Reddit reviews Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers
We found 16 Reddit comments about Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers. Here are the top ones, ranked by their Reddit score.
Your mother is a Narcissist.
She's not just "selfish", or a "pain in the ass", or "high maintenance" or "perfectionist"... she has a Personality Disorder. The most key red flag of that personality disorder is that she has zero empathy whatsoever - and it's not something she can learn, or grow, in Narcissistic Personality Disorder, having no empathy is like being born without legs - she wont' regrow them. Not ever.
So let's get you resources for understanding this:
First, of course: /r/raisedbynarcissists If you go by PC, not mobile, they have a wonderful sidebar with TONS of resources to understand Narcissists, to see what kind of manipulation tactics they use to control people and get their way, and how toxic they are.
Out of the FOG
Personal Bill of Rights Print this page out a dozen times and hang copies by your phones, on your fridge, on your bathroom mirror, in your car, in your wallet - and MEMORIZE it. Until you can recite it at stop signs and red lights without looking. THIS IS THE BARE MINIMUM for all healthy adult relationships. Your mother is an emotional abuser. What she has been doing is ABUSE. You survived a childhood of ABUSE. She is not mentally healthy, she is toxic to everyone around her. So memorize that Personal Bill of Rights, and start setting boundaries up to protect yourself from when she violates your rights.
A good book for you AND your father and your brother: Becoming The Narcissist's Nightmare
A good book for you: Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers.
Since you mentioned she's "becoming your JNGrandmother": Children of the AGING Self-Absorbed
But read everything you can on Narcissism. And look for a good therapist, because the only maternal role model you imprinted on is a toxic one - and when you are a mother, a lot of her abuse is going to become much, much clearer in your mind, and it's a lot to process - having a professional to coach you through it, and who can give you the toolbox of skills to deal with her, helps tremendously.
omgggggggg are you me? I'm also over on /r/raisedbynarcissists. My nMom has all the typical narcissistic spectrum behaviors PLUS her own disordered eating (her diet is M-F diet coke, Sa-Sun binge eating - she weighs anywhere between 89 and 130 pounds at any given time).
Do you still live with her or are you just visiting? The best thing I ever did was move away as soon as I had the chance. She still knows where I live though, so she'll stalk my house and my car on occasion, but everything is better with more distance, overall.
Edit: And yes, she is absolutely trying to sabotage you, for multiple simultaneous reasons. To satisfy her need to be right, to satisfy her need to be better than you, to satisfy her need for you to want her, to satisfy her need for you to depend on her, for her own entertainment, etc.
A book I recommend is called "Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers." That and lots and lots and lots of therapy. I wish I could get her to go as well, as I've had BOTH a psychiatrist and a therapist tell me she also exhibits BPD, but that's a bridge too far for her. Sigh.
http://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic-ebook/dp/B001AO0GD6/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1406035115&sr=8-1&keywords=daughters+of+narcissistic+mothers
So, this site design is just... it's just the worst. And it's become all about selling books, but this particular page might strike a chord with you.
If it does, you might try listening to/reading this.
Sauce: Have a Boomer mother, I needed that book sooner than I found it.
This may not 100% apply, but this book really helped me.
Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers by Karyl McBride http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B001AO0GD6/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?ie=UTF8&btkr=1
This group has helped me the most. What you have is called "FLEAS" - and it's because your personal operating system has been programmed by your parents. Getting rid of those maladjusted operating instructions starts with doing some research. For me, that started with 'CBT for Dummies' and the workbook that goes with it.
Also, this book really opened my eyes. It was my commute read for a month, and now I understand a lot more things about how I was programmed.
It takes time, but if you think of you family of origin as a cult, and understand your need to deprogram, it helps.
It does get better! I'm so sorry you're going through this. Internet hugs to you.
There's a really great book called "Will I Ever Be Good Enough?" that's about how to heal and deal with narcissistic mothers. I have one, can confirm it completely, utterly sucks. But hang in there until you can get out of there.
You sound very self aware even through your exhaustion - this is great! Please talk to your therapist about setting boundaries with your mother and friends. It can be very challenging to take on another task when you're already overwhelmed, but it is a very beneficial skill to have in every aspect of life.
If you don't feel that your therapist is helping, perhaps switching to another would be more beneficial, or talking to your doctor about medication.
Find some time to spend some time in low-stakes activities, like a simple walk by yourself, or doing some mindfulness exercises to give your brain a break.
You got this. Don't let the bastards get you down (but it's okay to cry about it). :)
Someone recommended this book in a post a few weeks ago and I thought it looked interesting. Perhaps a book like this will help you better understand your parents?
Amazon link to "Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers" https://www.amazon.com/dp/B001AO0GD6/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1
Get yourself a copy of this book.
And this one.
They will change your life.
My mother, too, unfortunately. I got a lot of clarity on the 'emotional addict' idea from the book Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers. It was a really helpful and illuminating book.
I send you many virtual, boundary-respecting hugs. I've been on a narcissistic-mother reading binge and recommend the following books as well:
Each has a different set of insights and I'm finding them to dovetail nicely. The value in these for me at this point is steady gentle reminding "you are not crazy," understanding old habits (hello, freeze response) and getting in touch (and working through) pent-up anger.
Good luck. Community is here for you. And, dang, I wouldn't mind a DONM subreddit.
It's better, but does not fix everything. I went NC in April and had to save up enough to go to therapist, but finally went to therapist in Nov. The combination of NC and therapy is good. I also read (even though we're both sons I found it useful, especially the stuff about the smothering motther and the letting go of wanting a mother and parenting yourself: http://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic-ebook/dp/B001AO0GD6/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=
so, with the NC and the work on myself, NC has been great. My nmom still tries to call, write, etc...because if I'm not around, it may look like she's not a good mom, which she isnt', but she too concerned about the look of it than actually doing anywork in getting to know me. So, yeah, also I'm convinced (maybe it's fleas) but having a narc parent (whether you are GC/SG/mixed) lead to c-PTSD which manifests in depression/anxiety. It seems like a lot of poeple here (myself) included suffer from that. I've been doing some reading about c-ptsd and that treatmetn may be different than depression/anxiety--anyway, I digress--I should make a post about that. Good luck, post here, and PM me if you want (if we're both sons of a covert Nmom). maybe start a smaller support group? but, the more I read on here, I'm not sure if it matters if you are m/f/t--ACON is messed up!! LOL :-)
It's really hard to recover from this kind of upbringing, but it can be managed. Originally I typed "done" rather than "managed", but you're never really "done". You have to work at it until whatever coping mechanisms you develop become almost as second nature as the anger. That being said, without medication, anger is almost always faster than my best self management tactic. Then of course you have to deal with the stigma of needing medication.
You almost have to think of yourself as a phoenix, a new you slowly emerging from a pile of ashes. The constant mindfulness of one's mental state is exhausting and frustrating in of itself.
Here's a couple of resources I found helpful:
http://www.moodjuice.scot.nhs.uk/anger.asp
and
This one is for daughters of narcissistic women, but I'd imagine some of the relationship dynamics are the same for sons as well. Maybe you'll find some other books more suited to you.
http://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic-ebook/dp/B001AO0GD6/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1394817598&sr=1-1&keywords=will+i+ever+be+good+enough
I wish you luck, personal fulfillment, economic prosperity and a healed spirit.
Narcissism exists on a spectrum. To have no narcissistic qualities would indicate a lack of desire to live, since some self interest is necessary to survival, though not a lot. You can have narcissistic features and be a long shot from qualifying as narcissistic.
You are terrified of hurting other people like your dad hurt you, to the point of ignoring your own needs and apologizing for having your own interests. This is not a sign you are a narcissist. It is a sign you have a deep injury from your father and need healing.
Many of us form new relationships that are based off the most harmful parental relationship we have, with problems mirroring those unsolved problems from our past. I would suggest you take a deep, long look. Is this boyfriend really good for you? Or are you playing out the unresolved traumas from the past?
I know you say it is your father who is the one with narcissism from your parents, but a book I can really recommend is Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Written for daughters with nmothers. It is powerfully worded and can be reassuring for those of us struggling with what you are struggling with. You are not your narc parent. I don't want to minimize any of your emotions because I don't want to limit any growth you have to do proffer you false reassurances, either, but just the fact that you fear becoming like him is a good sign you aren't, and that you won't. Just keep moving forward in the same direction.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B001AO0GD6/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1
I have anxiety also, and therapy did help. A book my therapist recommended that helped me was this one:
Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers https://www.amazon.com/dp/B001AO0GD6/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_hRYFAbQ5FSRX5
N parents bring out your worst fears and worries about every action you take. It really drilled me into trying to be perfect or concerned about every choice and spoken word. After awhile it becomes a passive, but constantly “on” state of fight or flight. Relearning how to process your thoughts and be in the present is difficult, but it’s possible.
Another book that helped me:
The Anxiety and Worry Workbook: The Cognitive Behavioral Solution https://www.amazon.com/dp/160623918X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_oTYFAbH4HEHMW
I am not perfect, but these tools helped me deal with the situation and understand myself and my N mom better.
Wish you the best. 🤞
So I just bought this book:
http://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic-ebook/dp/B001AO0GD6
From what I've read, it's really good. She is going to start reading it tonight. Let's see if that helps with the everything on my wife's end.
Understanding that my mom is either narcissistic or borderline was worlds of help. That and reading Carolyn McBride's book on the subject. It was the first time I was able to start getting a control over my responses.
And as others are pointing out, moving out. It was still rough for the first 6 - 12 months. I think she eventually realized what she could and couldn't pull, and she needed my help (she and my dad have a lot of health problems).
It helped that she wasn't as malignant as some NMs I've seen. She acts like a totally different person when you don't live with her. We call each other, I help them out, she actually helped me out for a few days when I broke my ankle and couldn't get after my son.
But I have adjusted my expectations for the relationship. My mom is never going to be someone who gives advice. She is never going to be someone who can think through a problem. She panics, settles on an irrational course of action, then gets stuck -- she cannot think any further on solving it. She is never going to be anything other than a martyr.
This past Easter, I arranged a big family get-together. My mom kept volunteering to do things. I kept dissuading her...to no avail. The day of, she's overwhelmed with stuff to do, snapping at everyone around her, complaining that she's "just going to go home," while walking around all sour, etc. This started affecting the people around her, particularly my brother. I have learned to act like everything is completely normal and I don't notice her behavior at all. I do not engage with it, and sooner or later, the tantrum wears out.
After that, I also learned: I am not telling her about any events until the day before, so she doesn't have time to volunteer or do anything. It's better when she just shows up.
Once I started understanding her and how to interact with someone like her, we had a better relationship. But we are never going to be close.
I see so many women in my situation who are, years later, hung up on the mother they never had. Yeah, it would've been nice to have a better mom than the one I did. But I'm not going to wait for it to happen. It's never going to happen and it has nothing to do with me, and I refuse to be swallowed in the anger of it.