Reddit reviews Words to the Wise: A Practical Guide to the Esoteric Sciences

It seems to me, reading your post, that you are facing some mental blocks of your own creation. You say you are a 'spiritual dipshit' with 'disillusions of grandeur'. You also convey much fear, over and over, about various aspects of your spiritual practice, and your relations with others.

I would suggest, that while you have obviously had genuine spiritual experiences, what you lack is a context of a guiding philosophy to make sense of it all.

You are not a dipshit; you are made in the Image and Likeness of the Divine - and with that comes power and responsibility. Power to control your thoughts and experiences, and responcibility to do so wisely.

As to the fear - this is an illusion, created by your own ego. Fear can manifest results in your experience, but these are only the shadows of your bloated nothingness; the reflections of your fear itself. A healthy respect, and patience is essential, but nothing will block you in this or any other venture more so than fear.

I believe it is time that you set aside the development of spiritual phenomena until you have formed, to your own satisfaction, a working philosophy of the Spiritual, Divine nature of things and your relationship with IT. From this standpoint, you will have more success. I have found great wisdom in these writings:

Words to the Wise: Manly Hall

Lectures on Ancient Philosophy: Manly Hall

The Kyballion: Three Initiates

Initiation into Hermetics by Franz Bardon

Modern Magick: Donald Kraig

The Doctrine and Ritual of High Magic by Eliphas Levi

Words to the wise by Manly Hall

That should keep you busy for a while.

I would recommend reading this book: https://www.amazon.com/Words-Wise-Practical-Esoteric-Sciences/dp/0893148148

Words To The Wise

Manly P. Hall