Reddit Reddit reviews Yes Means Yes!: Visions of Female Sexual Power and A World Without Rape

We found 20 Reddit comments about Yes Means Yes!: Visions of Female Sexual Power and A World Without Rape. Here are the top ones, ranked by their Reddit score.

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Self-Help
Yes Means Yes!: Visions of Female Sexual Power and A World Without Rape
Seal Press CA
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20 Reddit comments about Yes Means Yes!: Visions of Female Sexual Power and A World Without Rape:

u/[deleted] · 28 pointsr/SRSsucks

It's based off a book called Yes Means Yes, written by a woman who believes women never lie about rape or find sexually aggressive men erotic, and another who thinks the presumption of innocence of men in regard to rape should not apply.

Basically, women are so petrified of men and sexual activity that many apparently just 'freeze up' like a PTSD war veteran, and men simply ravage them without a thought. Women also may simply 'go along with it' and act like they're receptive, as not to incur the man's wrath should she not put out.

This is pretty much the book.

u/librar-ista · 14 pointsr/TrollYChromosome

Alright, here's the plan. Get him some stuff that he'll actually like, because you're not a jerk. But set it up like an exciting series of gifts, and then when you get to the big finish, tell him if he likes PUA's, he'll LOVE this way to learn how to get women.

u/spinflux · 7 pointsr/AskFeminists

I prefer the Yes Means Yes method to help stop rape.

Also, Yes Means Yes blog.

u/ClarisseThorn · 6 pointsr/seduction

Hey Zac, sup, nice to see you here.

(1) This is kind of what they were trying to do when they named it "gender studies" instead of "feminism." There were debates about it. Unclear whether it worked.

(2) I've been thinking a lot about media because of my upcoming awesome anthology about rape in gaming. It's a really knotty question. Sometimes the media influences culture, sometimes culture influences media. I usually focus more on practical everyday concerns (like how to have a conversation with a sexual partner that's open and honest and fair) rather than media analysis. But the media influences how people talk to each other!

I guess the answer is that I'm not sure. I try to create new media through my writing that I think will both appeal to people and get a good message across. It's a really hard and delicate process. One key is to just be aware of the pressures on everyone, which is why I have sometimes written articles like the Sex-Crazy Nympho Dreamgirl article. And it's also part of why I was interested in the PUA community. The community is a real showcase of some pressures on men, and masculine anxieties.

(3) I haven't really been in the community since a while before my book was published. I kinda walked away. I guess I sort of already answered this question above, in this comment.

(4) This is also a really hard question because different media appeals to different people. The first time I read the feminist book Yes Means Yes, I was totally stunned and overwhelmed by how TRUE and IMPORTANT and EDUCATIONAL it felt for me. But then I convinced Mark Manson to read it and he had this super knee-jerk negative reaction. So I don't know.

With Confessions I was partly trying to write a book that might help PUAs understand more feminist concerns. I don't know if I succeeded.

(5) The legal line is different for different states. In Illinois, you can give consent for someone to hurt you physically. But there are states where you can't give consent for someone to hurt you physically. Operation Spanner is a famous S&M case in the UK where some gay masochist dudes were sent to jail for "aiding and abetting" THEIR OWN ASSAULT. So if you're into S&M, you should keep this in mind and be a little careful. Know the laws in your area.

The S&M community is a big place, and there are different standards in different sections. I personally don't have a problem with people doing fairly severe harm to each other with S&M, but I think that society is correct to be concerned about it. Here's an old post of mine about S&M and abuse.

Re: walking across the street:

Not sure what you mean by overkill ... in terms of me actually being afraid of dudes on the street, it depends on the context. I feel much more threatened by a lone man if we're on an empty street in the middle of the night in a bad neighborhood, than I do if there are other people around or it's daytime or it's a good neighborhood. Sometimes when I'm out alone at night and I see a man (or a bunch of men) in the street, and the whole place is totally empty, I get nervous. I dunno if it's their responsibility to cross to the other side of the street though. I think it's mostly their responsibility not to attack me. :p

I guess if I was alone at night, and a guy crossed to the other side of the street, I might feel relieved. But I might also worry that he was coming around behind me or something? Not sure.

u/atomicturnip · 5 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

Contact your local Planned Parenthood and ask for help. It's ok. You'll be fine.

Have a talk with boyfriend about what consent is. If you are not sure, read Yes Means Yes.

Good luck.

u/MissCherryPi · 5 pointsr/IAmA

Have you read the "Yes Means Yes" book or blog?

u/jmk816 · 4 pointsr/MensRights

I feel a bit of trepidation posting here, especially with a different view point, but I am going to give it a go anyway. I think in regard to the idea of free speech that you run into the same sort of problems that any opposing viewpoints do, whether it’s democrats vs. republicans, atheism vs. religion etc.. The people that do the most of the talking fall to the extreme of both viewpoints and the people who are willing to actually debate and listen fall silent because they don’t want to get involved in the crazy rhetoric. So when you talk about “the kind of feminism that dominates” you are really talking about the people who have a platform and have an audience. Those of us who are willing to debate feel like it’s hard to go against the grain, against the thought leaders. They don’t have the support of their own side, so it makes it hard to go up against the opposing side.

Also I feel like this is a problem that comes from BOTH sides. I’m sure both of us could point to example of the other group shutting down debates or creating a really hostile place, where the other side is attacked. I think both sides don’t focus on the good that comes out of the other side. We just focus on the things that prove us right about how bad the other side is.

When talking about patriarchy and the theory of patriarchy, I think one of the most important things for feminists to remember is that MOST men are affected negatively by patriarchy as well (which you talk about, but I just wanted to add my own thoughts on). Maintaining patriarchy mean maintaining the ideal male’s position of power (white, able bodied, straight, in control of the means of production etc.). Even men who fit these particular descriptions have to police themselves intensely to make sure they don’t appear to have any sort of “other” characteristics and these characteristics often are seem as feminine. There are token members of people who have been accepted to prove that it is not a hard and fast rule, but they have to maintain the basis of the archetype as well. Since women are seen as “the other”/secondary/lesser they are allowed a larger freedom when it comes to expression but men are expected to live up to the archetype, even if it is not in their best interest.

Many feminists that I come across understand that men are affected by male privilege and the patriarchy. Do you feel like this isn’t being emphasized enough? I’m wondering if it’s hard for me to see if it is enough and would like to understand how you feel about the acknowledgement of that.

I think this is where intersectionality becomes important as well, because I can see that as a woman I am treated a certain way, but as someone who is white, educated and from a middle class background I have certain privileges that are not given to everyone. To me it seems that some men get caught up in the fact that they can’t see a direct benefit from being a man, so male privilege can’t exist. It is not about the anecdote and it is certainly not that simple. But gender is a component of how you are treated in society. What do you think is the best way to address this?

I disagree with you for the most part about rape culture, that it is challenged regularly for women, but I don’t want to focus on that now (it’s so complicated and this is already getting long). When you talk about men affected by rape culture, for a lot of the cases (saying men can’t be raped, the fact that we have no idea how many men are raped in prison and that no one sees this as a serious issue that desperately needs to be addressed) is because the men it affects have qualities of the “other” or do not fit the archetype promoted by patriarchy. In that sense, these men are “less than” women because women are expected to have the “other” characteristics, while men have not.


Lastly in regards to rape culture, I think we haven’t found a good way to talk about the complicated issues of consent and sex and its role in rape culture. I know feminists want to completely separate the ideas of rape and sex, but I think it’s time now to change that. Obviously both sides know that the “getting attacked in a dark alley” sort of rape is bad, but that we get confused when it comes to talking about anything else. (A lot of these ideas are explored in Yes means Yes! An amazing book by Jacyln Friedman and Jessica Valenti http://www.amazon.com/Yes-Means-Visions-Female-Without/dp/1580052576)

A part of this whole mess is we still aren’t giving agency to women and girls when it comes to their own sexuality. We are still teaching that sex is bad and dirty, and perhaps not as implicitly in some places, but that good girls don’t want sex, and that it should be saved for marriage etc. etc. When it comes to giving consent, we go with the idea of “no means no” because it follows the stereotypes that boys are sex crazed maniacs and women need to be the voice of reason and police sexual behavior (thanks a lot Victorian ideals). If we could implement the idea that it’s ok for women to feel desire, and that there is nothing wrong with someone who has sex on the first date, people could have much more honest conversations about what exactly they want and how they want it. The idea that sex just suddenly happens wordlessly and perfectly, like in the movies, makes the idea of having to discuss the details of a sexual encounter seem unsexy and awkward.


I think this is where a lot of men get angry because they feel like feminism is calling them all rapists when they know they would never do the dark alley scenario. They have been taught to look for the implicit no, instead of really figuring out the yes. Women, on the other hand, are conditioned not to be direct, not to ask for what they want and to be afraid of their sexuality. It is the onus of both genders, to encourage and not shame people over directness and for both parties to stop and explain if they don’t want to continue/feel uncomfortable.
There still will be cases where people take advantage of people when they are intoxicated or when people take advantage of others who are unwilling to speak up because of social norms, but it will be a step in the right direction. Unfortunately there is a direct and passive acceptance of the way things are now in regards to sexuality, but that doesn’t mean that individuals can’t start to change things.

Hopefully that all made some sense and it wasn’t too rambly or off topic. It’s been a couple years since I focused on this topic, so I am a bit out of practice explaining these ideas.

u/vonnnegut · 4 pointsr/IAmA

Every single "person with similar views as nolimitsoldier" I have encountered has always fallen into 1 of the following groups.

  1. "12-24 Naive" This is the age where people tend to dismiss feminism without taking any initiative to learn about new and old feminist theories. I understand why so many people in this group so readily believe misconceptions about feminism. It is due to lack of knowledge or background regarding the new and old feminist theories. Also why nolimitsoldier believes all feminists think they are artists / photographers is beyond me. I blame the countless people who don't take the time to learn about the concepts and definitions regarding feminism and much of the media. Isn't until people mature and take the initiative to learn about feminism and realize that modern societies are still patriarchal, misogynist, and sexist.

  2. "Man Eaters" This misconception is the standard among those who still disregard feminism. Most I have met lack any true knowledge on the feminist theory and believe the myth that all feminist are hairy man hating lesbians. Feminists come from all background and genders so this couldn't possibly true. This stereotype is false. Myth:Feminists are man hating lesbians

  3. "Corporate" Again more misconceptions. People complain about feminism, woman, etc, while not understanding what feminism has to do with the plight of the woman. At the end of the day it'll depend on the person and the person they're respecting if they're a good leader or not. Because believe it or not people come from all different backgrounds and cultures! It just goes against our cultured societal beliefs that women can be good leaders. **A side example of this is the iron my shirt incident with Hillary Clinton

  4. "more bullshit" The definition of feminist varies in each textbook but they all mean the same thing in the end: people seeking the equal treatment of women. Men already dominate the world. This hasn't allowed women to dominate or control men in any way. And feminists aren't seeking the domination of men, we are seeking the equality of genders.

    To learn more about feminism you can read or watch the following websites,books, or videos:

    Youtube Videos or Channels:

u/one_little_bird · 3 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes
u/SpencerDub · 2 pointsr/sex

>Given that, I shouldn't be turned on by the thought of rape, being raped, etc.

There is a crucial distinction between actual rape and rough sex, including rape fantasies and rape play: consent. Consenting to rough sex with a partner--even if that takes the form of a previously agreed-upon rape scenario--is not in any way the same as rape.

In fact, rough sex when done right can be on the other end of the spectrum from rape. For instance, good BDSM sex requires a safe word. You don't even think about doing it without one. This means that throughout the entire encounter, there is complete understanding that the moment something feels uncomfortable, unsafe, or unwanted by any partner involved, it ends. Any partner has the ability to immediately and unilaterally end the encounter. This makes it all about the consent of everyone involved.

BDSM and other sorts of rough sex may make some people uncomfortable because they resemble sexual violence. That discomfort is entirely valid and nobody should be shamed for it. However, while that discomfort is valid, there is a world of difference between rough sex and actual sexual violence, primarily in the realm of consent.

I would suggest checking out Yes Means Yes! by Jaclyn Friedman and Jessica Valenti. It's a great anthology about consent and rape culture in general, but one article in particular seems relevant. It's entitled "The Fantasy of Acceptable 'Non-Consent': Why the Female Sexual Submissive Scares Us (and Why She Shouldn't)", by Stacey May Fowles. I highly recommend it, as it may help you approach your fantasies differently.

u/noodleworm · 2 pointsr/MensRights

We've had this picture posted before, and just like that time I refer to this book (just look at the god-damn title), as a sign that this girl is totally confused/or unclear about feminism.

I can only assume she is trying to refer to something people have called 'Grey Rape'- which is where you give in to pressure or coercion. In that case what the person did is not illegal but leaves you feeling uncomfortable and a bit violated.

u/spicymeatball · 2 pointsr/worldnews

Sorry it took me so long to get respond to this; I've been busy all day. Anyway, that kind of hostility is unnecessary; I'm happy to provide examples to back up my statement. My links here are far from comprehensive since I don't keep track of everything I read, but it's a start, and there's more research available if it's a subject you're interested in learning more about.

This article discusses some of the barriers assault victims face from the authorities in Boston in particular. Quote of interest: "Baltimore police deem nearly one-third of rape reports 'unfounded,' meaning they believe they are false or baseless." The article suggests this treatment is to keep crime statistics down.

This page discusses how sexual assaults are poorly handled on campuses, with more on campus sexual assault and the barriers to reporting it on their main page here. Quote of interest: "Crisis counselors and service providers who work with college students described barriers as overt as a dean expressing disbelief."

This is an essay discussing the attitudes surrounding rape and how it is handled in the judicial system. Quote of interest: "That day in court was the day I fully understood the concept of being raped twice – first during the act and then later during the court proceedings." The essay is also included in a book called "Yes Means Yes," which is a worthwhile read discussing rape and consent.

This article and this article talks about sexual violence in the military, which is well-documented and a very tragic situation. Quote of interest (from the second article): "She says her story was greeted with disbelief by military investigators and indifference from her command, which gave her only a two-week convalescent leave, then refused to extend it."

This is a European report discussing, amongst other things, barriers to reporting rape, including authorities undermining the credibility of the victim/blaming the victim. (PDF warning!) Unfortunately, the graphs are missing from this copy of the report, so it's not super useful, but there is some discussion of the data.

Although you may choose to interpret the information differently, there is enough factual and anecdotal evidence to support my own conclusion-- which is that victims are frequently treated like liars by the authorities. And that's far from the only barrier preventing women from reporting sexual assault. This is not true of all situations in all locations, but it's a very real and too-common problem.

u/locro · 2 pointsr/Feminism

Check out Yes Means Yes by Jaclyn Freidman and Jessica Valenti, really good collection of essays about sex-positive feminism. Check it out! http://www.amazon.com/Yes-Means-Visions-Female-Without/dp/1580052576

u/jfpbookworm · 1 pointr/IAmA

>I shouldn't get so emotionally invested in this.

Well, it's kind of understandable. I'm sorry you got the reddit inquisition for your IAmA, though.

General book recommendation (for anyone reading this thread): Yes Means Yes: Visions of Female Sexual Power and A World Without Rape

u/nubarbie · 1 pointr/TwoXChromosomes

I'm a big fan of anything Jessica Valenti

He's A Stud She's Slut - excellent read about double standards in society

Full Frontal Feminism - a bit of a younger read but a great overview

Yes Means Yes! Visions of Female Sexual Power and A World Without Rape

The Purity Myth - all about America's obsession with sex and being 'pure.' Not necessarily women's rights per say but my favorite by her

Enjoy!

u/PreviouslySaydrah · 1 pointr/relationship_advice

book recommendation

this has a great essay in it on that performance model stuff.

Warning: Pointing a boyfriend to this essay has about a 50% rate of him actually reading it and finding it interesting, and 50% rate of starting a fight where he accuses you of using "radical feminism" to emasculate him or some bullshit like that.

u/Yangel · 1 pointr/TumblrInAction

http://www.amazon.ca/Yes-Means-Visions-Female-Without/dp/1580052576

The bit where the Duke case is covered straight up tells it as the lacrosse players getting away with exploiting a innocent POC. I used to be a fan of Valenti and Marcotte back when I was buying into the koolaid. :/

u/sausagewallet · 1 pointr/Feminism

Yes Means Yes!: Visions of Female Sexual Power and A World Without Rape

http://www.amazon.com/Yes-Means-Visions-Female-Without/dp/1580052576/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1312294851&sr=1-1



Activists and writers Friedman and Valenti (He's a Stud, She's a Slut) deliver an extraordinary essay compilation focusing on the struggle to stop rape in the U
.S. and the importance of sexual identity and ownership. Early on, Thomas MacAulay Millar and Rachel Kramer Bussel explain how the "no means no" concept (sexual consent equals the absence of no) must be rejected in favor of a "yes means yes" mentality: the idea that consent means affirmative participation in the act itself, a broader definition that better protects women while encouraging power over-not fear of-personal sexual identity. Other topics include body image and self-esteem issues as well as incest, the dangers faced by female immigrants and the public perception of rape; in "Trial by Media," Samhita Mukhopadhyay looks at the Duke Lacrosse rape case and finds the media acting in the tradition of slavery by commodifying the young, female African-American body. Though surprisingly entertaining throughout, with no shortage of wit or humor, unexpected topics (Friedman on enjoying sex, transsexual writer Julia Serano on the mixed cultural messages that lead "nice guys" to sexual aggression) keep the book dynamic. Sure to empower and inform, this is an important and inspiring read for assault survivors, educators, activists, experts and those on a path to self discovery.