Reddit reviews Your Perfect Right: Assertiveness and Equality in Your Life and Relationships (9th Edition)

It began when I really saw how my dad was taking advantage of my inability to say no to him. When I started expressing I was not comfortable with some of the things he was asking (for example, always being available by phone and taking things from my mother's house to sneak to him), he blew up on me. Tried every manipulative tactic in the book to get me to do what he wanted. It led me to a really dark time of depression and an over reliance on alcohol to cope.

I began to seek out help by going to therapy. My therapist was validating and that in itself was empowering. I started to learn how I had been conditioned to say "yes" out of fear of rejection, abandonment, or being perceived as "mean."

I read books like Your Perfect Right and When I Say No, I Feel Guilty. I loved the latter especially, though it felt somewhat outdated, it has concrete examples of what one can say when someone pushes back on "no."

I sought out healthier people to practice setting boundaries with. I practiced until it didn't feel like I'd have a panic attack simply over declining someone's request. It became okay to say no, and I felt stronger every time I did it. I learned to observe people's reactions to my "no" and see how and when they were behaving poorly in response. That helped me not take it personally or feel I had to "fix" things. I also had to learn to take other people's "no" at face value and not read it as a personal attack.

Becoming a social worker really helped solidify my boundaries because I could practice on clients I'll never see again. I don't care if they think I'm rude or something because I won't let them use my office phone or I won't fudge progress notes or lie for them. Today my ability to say no prevents a lot of uncomfortable situations for myself and prevents resentments from brewing. I don't do anything I'm not fully on board with voluntarily.

My mantra: "No" is not the start of negotiations, it's the end of the discussion. I don't owe anyone explanations or excuses if I don't want to do something. I don't have to apologize for it, and if someone reacts in an out of proportion way (rage, guilt tripping, silent treatment, etc), I know that's their problem to manage.

Assertiveness is about expressing yourself. Being pushy is about getting what you want by harming others' wellness.

>never get any replies

Being assertive does not change others' behavior. Instead, you immediately know who is willing to work with you. Maybe, you just have not found a good match yet.


Your Perfect Right: Assertiveness and Equality in Your Life and Relationships is a good book to teach you how to be assertive without being pushy. It helped me a lot :)

You might try assertiveness training, which is pretty evidence-based. This is a good place to start:

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1886230854/

Read this book! Your local library will probably have it. It's a great guide for being assertive without being aggressive (or bitchy, as some here have suggested. If you're being bitchy, you're doing assertiveness wrong).

Here is an assertiveness book to read. What you are looking for is "assertiveness training", by the way. This is the book version of that.

This isn't a small area, by the way. Assertiveness is a widely written about and studied issue. You are not alone in dealing with this.

He may perceive that others will like him more for doing favors. He may believe that he is valuable because of the services he renders. Whatever the reason(s), your friend has the capability to say no, he just chooses to say yes.

There are lots of self-help books on the topic. "Your Perfect Right" and "The Power of a Positive No" are both geared towards men.

The psychology behind difficulty saying no is complex and rather irrelevant. Your friend does not have to understand a behavior in order to correct it.