(Part 2) Best anger management books according to redditors
We found 319 Reddit comments discussing the best anger management books. We ranked the 38 resulting products by number of redditors who mentioned them. Here are the products ranked 21-40. You can also go back to the previous section.
If physical tools of defense are not allowed, the only option for anyone, especially a physically small person, is mindset and awareness.
Learning how to talk to someone without escalating the situation is a valuable skill. Verbal Judo is a good book on the topic. ( A slightly different version - Verbal Judo )
Being able to recognize and process the sources of uneasiness and fear lets you react in a calm and planned manner instead of fear based panic. This is often enough to keep the potential Bad Thing^tm from happening at all. The Gift of Fear can help you recognize ways Bad People^tm try to manipulate 'nice' people into bad situations.
Similar story from Bulgaria this past week: grown man (ex convict) repeatedly stabbed a 15 year old girl because she rejected him. This shit is indefensible. :(
As to why these things happen... I really don't know. But I can speculate.
Everyone gets rejected in life. Everyone. But people whose feelings of self-worth and identity are strongly externalised, and depend on other people's acceptance will perceive this rejection as an existential threat to the self. I've linked before this study which shows that social rejection triggers some of the same "wiring" that underlies the sensation of physical pain. In a very real way, being rejected hurts.
So, maybe these men felt like they've endured so much pain, that the only way to deal with it is to externalise it. And I'm willing to bet that they generally don't come from backgrounds where healthy strategies to do that are socially accepted. For us, the main ways to deal with negative emotions are usually stoicism (bury it) and anger (explosively release it). Don't get me wrong, anger is not a bad way to deal with some things, but this requires a lot of self-discipline. And it cannot be the ony coping mechanism you have. Anger can push you to do better for yourself, but you can't just keep pushing harder every time something bad happens in life. Human beings have limits.
And it seems, unfortunately, that for some this limit lies at murder.
Your past is horrible. It is not something easily forgettable. This is not something that will ever go away. It is really good that you are going through therapy and starting the healing process from it, but alcohol is not a good way to cope with these traumas. Have you talked to your therapist about the alcohol? Have they tried giving you medicine for your anxiety? You are justified in how you are feeling. Let me say it again: You are JUSTIFIED in how you are feeling. You are justified in feeling 'crazy' because your Nmom has been abusive and a threatening force for all of that time period. Please don't go down the path of drinking alcohol to cope, it is not safe, and it doesn't help at all in the end. There are a bunch of coping mechanisms online to help stop panic/anxiety attacks that are safe.
Click on this and this for some coping mechanisms for when you have anxiety or panic attacks.
Another thing you can do (I currently do this, and it is really calming) is color. Get adult coloring books, some crayons or pencils, and just draw. It is the most relaxing thing ever, because you are focusing on one thing. I also play music, so i won't be distracted by outside noise or the thoughts in my head. You can get coloring books that have [curse words] (https://www.amazon.com/Art-Not-Giving-Fuck-Disregard/dp/1533360308/ref=sr_1_10?ie=UTF8&qid=1468414560&sr=8-10&keywords=adult+coloring+books+curse+words) in them, or some generic pretty ones and they are all pretty!
Hang in there, OP. It will get better soon.
I would suggest something like cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT). If it's difficult/expensive to do this where you live, the 'Overcoming' series of books are essentially DIY courses of CBT. They were recommended to me by my therapist and I've used a couple and found them extremely helpful.
This one is available on Amazon.
u/TheHeartOfTuxes has it pretty well scoped.. to which I will (however egotistically) add that it pretty well always comes down to...
If one was neglected, ignored, abandoned, invalidated, insulted, rejected, disclaimed, criticized, judged, blamed, embarrassed, humiliated, victimized, demonized, persecuted, scapegoated, and/or otherwise abused by others in early life, one may have very good reasons to have a lot of unprocessed emotions about such treatment. Over time, one can be expected to become in-struct-ed, programmed, conditioned, socialized and/or normalized to various defense mechanisms to protect oneself against such emotions, including risky behaviors and expressions of anger than range from more indirect and passive to more direct and aggressive. The lock here is anger, and the key to it is using whatever it takes to digest, metabolize and process the neural energy of it.
There are three basic ways to accomplish that:
. . . a) DBT provides training in four basic skills, including -- in effect -- "anger management." Another, somewhat similar system is the the 10 StEPs of Emotion Processing, which can be used to "bleed off" excess "pressure" in the fight-flight-freeze action of the ANS when it is triggered by anything perceived as threatening.
. . . b) DBT, MBBT, and ACT all provide inexpensive workbooks for anger management. See this, and this, and this, all of which I have used and can recommend.
. . . a) EMDR, HBCT, SEPt, SP4T and NARM have all been shown to be highly effective at so doing.
. . . b) To find the clinicians who know how to use these psychotherapies, look here, and here, and here, and (for DBT specialists in particular) here. If you dig a little on each page, you will be able to see which therapies they use. Most MD / psychiatrists, btw, are not therapists themselves (they are medication specialists), but can refer you to those who are, and are often -- though not always -- excellent sources of referral.
. . . a) I found that using Ogden's SP4T as the interoceptive 9th of the 10 StEPs of Emotion Processing gets the job done for me and others. But DBT, ACT, MBBT, MBCT, EMDR, HBCT, SPEt, SP4T and NARM are all useful for anger management and "digestion."
I'd investigate all of this.
My heart goes out to you for all of the intense torment, shame, and despair you're experiencing. You might want to check out The Compassionate Mind Guide to Managing Your Anger by Russell Kolts (a buddhist and a professor of clinical psychology).
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1480293709/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_dp_T2_7vGBzbA11B510
https://www.amazon.com/Keys-Eliminating-Passive-Aggressiveness-Mental-Health-ebook/dp/B00AYMFW66
when you are acting irrationally and getting very upset, notice your physical state, and how the thoughts relate to it.... breath deeply... wait a bit and see if it passes
this book helped me a lot,
https://www.amazon.com/Cow-Parking-Lot-Approach-Overcoming-ebook/dp/B003U898WU
Just to show you how non-religious I am, my first thought at your suggestion of an adult coloring book was something like this.
However, once my brain kicked into gear and I realized what you meant, I instantly thought that's a great idea. Her gift of the Bible to you was her way of sharing something personal that likely brings her peace and comfort. If there's not something equally personal to you that would interest her, an adult coloring book would hit all the right notes.
I'm thinking specifically of mandala coloring books. Those are (I'm told - I keep meaning to try it, but haven't gotten around to it yet) things that encourage clearing the mind and becoming tranquil. And while I can't speak for her, I know if someone gave me something with that hint of whimsy, I'd go nuts over it.
I think your idea is fabulous, so much so that I'm having trouble coming up with something that would be even half as good.
Throwing and hitting isn't normal. She sounds very emotionally reactive. I do think she's giving you hints about what is bothering her.
>"I don't feel like you're my husband" or "I regret this marriage so much"
Why does she feel like you're not her husband? What are her expectations for a husband? Try to talk about it when she's calm.
I recommend this book and starting with the last chapter on how to calm an angry person. https://www.amazon.ca/Anger-Gary-Chapman/dp/0802413145/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1542029239&sr=1-1&keywords=Anger+chapman
I have found a book that may help. It really isn't healthy to be so angry.
It doesn't actually happen like that - when I'm snappy, I'm not snappy at him (something I've been working on for years, I get aggressive sometimes and to cope with it in a way that I thought wouldn't offend him was sorts yap out at other things. Sometimes get a tighter tone when necessary with him - but I always strove to never snap at him. Nevertheless, he found it really distressing - he's very shy and reserved, which is why I try not to let my stronger personality overwhelm his - I've also read up a lot on introversion to try to help me understand how to be a better communicator with him... but I have a very innately aggro family (Italian by birth, and we live up to the stereotype), it's habitual and it doesn't stress anyone in my family home - but my family aren't the people I want to make my own home with, of course.
The blame certainly does not rest on him - he's been telling me this makes him uncomfortable for some time. I've not done enough to fix it, and his compassion for my stress stopped him from telling me how unhappy he was until the last minute =( I've bought a book called 'Over Coming Anger' to help me now.
My apathy on this is to blame here - I couldn't understand if I wasn't directing it at him, how it was hurting him and my ignorance became a wrongful excuse =(
I picked up this book as part of a big batch of Buddhist reading from the library and it seems to be very helpful:
http://www.amazon.com/books/dp/1559391634
There also seems to be some free material related to it on the author's site:
http://www.thubtenchodron.org/DealingWithEmotions/working_with_anger.html
https://www.amazon.com/Anger-Control-Workbook-Matthew-McKay-ebook/dp/B0054M06L2
This has been helping me immensely.
Ask and you shall receive. https://www.amazon.com/Its-Not-Okay-Cannibal-Addiction/dp/1592853706
One of the best ways to defuse an argument is to ask for a moment to think. Just a second or two, but intentionally stop talking, give yourself a second to breathe and collect your thoughts. This is doubly effective because mirror neurons will help get your partner into a better headspace as well.
When you start talking again, be sure to acknowledge their view. Echo it back to them as best you can, ask questions to clarify. Be curious about their side, and you may discover that you're not on different sides at all.
I very strongly recommend How To Fight by Thich Nhat Hanh. It's a tiny pocket book and a very easy read.
This wonderful book is a big help to me.
Pema Chodron's meditations are largely about going into difficult emotions, which can be highly effective if you've been resisting them.