Best books about abuse according to redditors
We found 1,730 Reddit comments discussing the best books about abuse. We ranked the 206 resulting products by number of redditors who mentioned them. Here are the top 20.
We found 1,730 Reddit comments discussing the best books about abuse. We ranked the 206 resulting products by number of redditors who mentioned them. Here are the top 20.
Have you read The Gift of Fear? Great book, even for law enforcement. Battered women literally become addicted to the feeling of relief when the man acts sweet and apologetic the next day. Like, chemically addicted to the sensation.
EDIT: The Gift of Fear seriously, if someone reading this feels like they could benefit from knowing how to protect themselves but can't afford a $2 used book, I'll buy it for you. PM me.
It's unclear what's going on here, but this pattern of behavior is disturbing. I recommend the following course of action:
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Her extremely aggressive attempt to have unprotected sex and her failure to take no for an answer is concerning. It could simply be something she wanted to do and nothing more.
It could also be that she wanted to get pregnant, transmit an STI, or allege sexual assault (and have physical evidence with which to do so). (I'm not accusing her of any of these things. I'm noting that they are possibilities you should be aware of.)
Note that if she does allege that you did something, neighbors will report seeing her extremely disturbed and upset, crying and screaming outside of your apartment after having been inside with you.
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You should limit further contact with this person.
I am not a lawyer or any sort of professional. This is not legal advice.
DON'T WORRY CITIZENS!
Alice Miller, "The Drama of the Gifted Child"
> WAHHHHH! BEING SMART IS HARD!
Ta-Nehisi Coates, "Between the World and Me"
>Everyone's a little bit racist
Simone De Beauvoir, "The Ethics of Ambiguity"
>Existentialist navelgazing
Albert Camus, "The Plague"
> More existentialism, but this time people die
Brene Brown, "Daring Greatly"
>What if being some sort of cuck soyboy was actually kinda badass?
Atul Gawande, "Being Mortal"
> Killing them softly, with his loving take on the role of modern medicine in death.
Ali Rivzi, "The Atheist Muslim"
>Being an edgy teenager, but on "difficult" mode
Muhammad Yunus, "A World of Three Zeroes"
>Zero Poverty, Zero Unemployment, and Zero Net Carbon Emissions... also zero sex scenes.
ETA: short, possibly misleading synopses by someone who hasn't read these books.
Your sister is in heavy denial about the abuse she's been suffering.
This isn't your fault. All the police were doing is investigating a situation. They heard enough when approaching the scene to feel like the situation was dangerous enough to pull out their weapons. What you said may have given them concern, but to be concerned enough to pull a firearm is another matter entirely. They only supposed to do that when there's a danger to themselves or others. Your sister's husband was dumb enough to raise a gun to a cop. Doesn't matter if it was loaded it not, no cop is going to wait to find out because waiting can cost a life, theirs or an innocent. I'm wondering if he was trying to commit suicide by cop. Anyone who knows anything about guns and the law is that once you raise a gun to a cop they will shoot.
You may have saved your sister's & her son's life, even if she won't thank you for it. As for her inlaws, I doubt they can make a lawsuit stick. All you did was ask the police to check on your sister. What happened as a result of that is not your fault. It sounds to me like everyone involved is mentally sick, and it's sad all around. I think maybe there couldn't have been a good outcome, just degrees of bad.
This whole situation reminds me of a book called The Gift of Fear. That book may help you come to some sort of understanding of why this may of happened, & honestly I think this book should be required reading for young folks.
I'm sorry this happened. Good luck to you and your family.
Get the book [Toxic parents] (http://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553284347) and give it to her.
Then run. That's not a joke. Until she breaks the bond mom will run her (and your) life.
EDIT: added link for the lazy
EDIT #2: GrtrShp has found a link for a .pdf for free.
Fixed.
> What a creepy little fucker. He gave me bad vibes the minute I met him. Goes to show that your intuition about people is right sometimes.
The Gift of Fear
Read it. Dead serious. It will change your perspective on your gut instincts.
Don't ever compromise your safety -- even to avoid appearing rude or unfriendly -- if your gut instinct tells you it's a sketchy situation. Good people will understand, and even if they don't, who gives a shit, safety is more important. Example: An otherwise friendly, well-dressed, articulate man knocks on your door and says he needs to borrow money for gas or use your phone, but you feel uncomfortable, etc.
Good book on this topic
This internet stranger is proud of you. Like, really proud. Saying it out loud for the first time is the hardest step to take. And you did it.
You don't own your mother's behavior. As an abuse survivor, it is easy to think that the abuse is a "shameful secret" -- but it is actually your mother's secret. She is the one who should be ashamed. You did nothing wrong. You were taken advantage of. That is not on you.
A book that has helped me a lot is The Courage to Heal. The authors also wrote another book called Beginning to Heal, which may also be helpful if you are just starting out. Therapy is always indicated when trying to work through sexual abuse, so if you are able, I encourage you to look for someone who deals with childhood trauma.
You are right about needing to take care of yourself. Listen to your body. If you are tired, rest. If you are hungry, eat. If you need to be alone, honor that. Don't push yourself too hard. Take things off your plate so you have room to process your feelings. It may be overwhelming, and that's normal. Journaling may help. But working through these things is taxing, and so it's important for you to acknowledge and honor how hard this is. Whatever comes up is part of the healing process. Don't push it away.
Hugs if you want them.
This sounds like the beginnings of abuse. The gas lighting, the playing the victim, the nuclear option, the crazy making behavior. Find this book and read it: "Why Does He Do That" by Bancroft.
http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656
Oh, and abuse tends to escalate over time. It will become more frequent and/or more intense, so don't think that ignoring it will fix it. Or that you can fix him. Or that he will fix himself. He needs individual therapy, and not couples counseling.
This is definitely a red flag, and it's not a healthy reaction to hypothetical cheating. I think when he said "you're not going to cheat on me so you have nothing to worry about," it was really threatening and was basically the same as saying "if you cheat on me, I really will do this."
Why Does He Do That is a book that was written by a counselor who specializes in working with controlling and toxic/abusive men. He uses his knowledge of how abusers think and his history of work to help women understand if their relationship has escalated to abuse, recognize abusive and controlling behavior in their partners, and inform women on how to leave an abusive relationship.
You can read it here for free.
This book has seriously helped me and other women that I know. I'm not saying that your partner is abusive, because only YOU can determine that. But this book will help you to figure out what's going on and give you strategies to deal with this kind of behavior. And if what you want is to leave, this book can help you make a plan to do that.
Good luck <3
Points:
your MIL is reaching for power and control. you know the stories. you know how these cunts play the game. she's already shown you that she gives ZERO FUCKS ABOUT YOUR CHILD AND MORE ABOUT BEING THE ONE IN POWER AND CONTROL
you haven't yet, read The gift of fear
REMEMBER WE ARE HERE FOR YOU. WE WILL DO WHAT WE CAN FOR YOU. ANGER IS A HELPFUL TOOL. USE IT.
Two-and-a-half years?! I'm very sorry, u/exquisitelyexhausted but that's stalking behavior.
Start keeping records of his attempts to contact you. His showing up at your gym is not a good sign--in fact, it's a sign that he may be escalating. Please read the book The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker for more on this sort of behavior and the steps you can take.
Amazon.com:
>A wave of sexual misconduct allegations about powerful men have exploded recently in the media (e.g., the news, Twitter #MeToo, etc.). A bold social movement has begun with brave women coming forward and being applauded for speaking out and sharing their stories of abuse, discrimination, and harassment. As a result, accused men like Harvey Weinstein, Matt Lauer, Charlie Rose, and dozens more have been removed from power and are suffering the consequences.
>
>In How to Destroy A Man Now (DAMN), Dr. Angela Confidential (a business psychologist, consultant, and human resource professional) empowers women with a step-by-step guide for destroying a man’s reputation and removing him from power.
>
>In easy to understand terms, the handbook reveals and explains the fundamental dynamics between allegations, the media, and authority as they relate to male misconduct in today’s society. It also unveils and details practical real-world methods for leveraging allegations, media, and authorities to dethrone a man from power.
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A comment:
>I agree with JW that this book was written by a man. I have the book, it's a quick read, it is, as JW says, accurate, and having written many articles and essays on this and related topics as an MRA and MGTOW, I wish I had written this book. By presenting it as a how-to for women written by a woman, the author guaranteed that it would rouse controversy, gain attention, and possibly even make lots of money from men buying it to confirm the misandry, from misandrists wanting tips, and from the media looking for juicy headlines. In the process, as JW suggests, it will warn men of just how vulnerable they are. It's a brilliant and provocative strategy. We need to learn from this example and emulate it
That is a very fast and nasty escalation -- and one that could have put you in more danger of being attacked by someone else.
Please be sure to let your boss know about this right away. As you said, you can't prove it was her, but is is pretty likely that it was. It would be wise to change your schedule. Given that your boss has already had to report your Nmonster to the police, your boss will likely want to help you do that. It would also be good to get a picture of your Nmom to the appropriate security folks at work so that they know the miscreant when they see her.
Given this incident, you would be wise to consider getting more protections for yourself in place.
You may also find this book useful The Gift of Fear.
Please take this escalation seriously and get your protections in place. One of the things that happens with ACONs is that our "Normal Meters" get broken and / or seriously skewed by decades of mistreatment by our NParents. Your buddy is freaked out for a reason. The other posters here are scared for you for a reason. If your nmom has escalated this fast and this maliciously, things aren't likely to quiet down.
Sending hugs (if you want them).
Edit: word
First of all, thank you for taking a vested interest in the healing of your daughter. You are both in my thoughts and I hope you both begin to heal (don't discount your own trauma, please, you need to take care of yourself).
Well, I was a very angry child. My mother knew that my sisters had been sexually abused and although she did not tell me, she wanted me to go to therapy to address it. They just kind of waited for something to naturally come up. I was probably 13 at this time. I told my therapist that I kept having this reoccurring dream about grandpa in the bathroom, and that it would make me sick, but it was probably nothing.
I am not dumb, so I was able to piece things together. My oldest sister was vocal about being a child sexual abuse survivor, and my grandfather was eventually jailed for raping another girl in his neighborhood. As an adult, I reasoned that it probably happened to me, but I could not confirm this. That's what really messed me up.
It wasn't until two years ago, at age 24, that I point-blank asked my mom if I was raped as a child. And she told me that when I was three years old, I told her that my grandpa raped me. She had told my dad, but my dad thought I was maybe echoing something I'd read or watched on TV. They could not process it at that time and as they learned what actually happened, they had hoped that I had forgotten it, because I did not bring it up again. What they didn't know is that I had learned that adults would not protect me.
I hope some of that helps. I just rambled a bit. But it took a while for me to realize the full impact of what happened, and although it was contributing to my life unraveling, it didn't truly feel real until I got confirmation. BUT, once that happened, I was able to move on.
Here are some books that have helped me:
I Can't Get Over It: A Handbook for Trauma Survivors
Growing Beyond Survival: A Self-Help Toolkit for Managing Traumatic Stress
The Courage to Heal - This one is very graphic and includes real stories of CSA. I would wait until she is older.
> If I'm being completely honest, even with the RO I think she will still come for us.
You are correct. Someone this far gone doesn't understand limitations. They really do think on a different plane of existence. Please read The Gift of Fear if you haven't already. (It's free with Kindle Unlimited, if anyone reading is interested.)
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Regarding what people have said and what you have said about feeling sorry for SMIL. It's odd how black-and-white people think of things like this. You can feel sorry for someone and still never want anything to do with them. Pity is frankly worse than hatred, anyway. Maybe she'll get well and maybe she won't but you are very right in that you can't take any chances.
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Flying Monkeys often lack not only information but empathy. They can't fully grasp what a situation is like if it doesn't happen directly to them. It's still very painful to have them swarm at you but my tactic is keeping in mind that they just don't have the emotional intelligence to comprehend. Once again, pity trumps hate.
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When this has settled down a bit I truly hope you are able to find some time to attend therapy. Therapy is a wonderful sounding board in which to learn techniques to process trauma — and this has been traumatic as a mothertrucker. We are all thinking about you. Thank you for checking in. XO
That is insane, but you were absolutely right to listen to your fear and act on it. If you haven’t read The Gift Of Fear I highly recommend it. Your situation sounds like one he would cover. So scary
I highly recommend the book Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men .
From your description it sounds as though his value system has him as way more valuable than you, meaning he doesn’t see you as an equal.
On your end - the outbursts (said with no judgement on my part), the crying, the quick feelings of frustration or stress or failure or whatever they are - this is your body telling you that your boundaries are being violated, that his value system doesn’t agree with yours (you DO see yourself as being as valuable as he is). Again, by this small snapshot you’ve shared, those feelings are the right response, and they won’t stop until you stop being around someone who treats you as an accessory in their life instead of as an equal.
The most challenging thing for me to realize (in my own situation) is that it was not possible for me to change the value system of my partner. If you are with someone that thinks it’s ok to scream at you for 5 minutes because you tried to chat with them on date night that they repurposed to “not date night,” they aren’t going to suddenly start treating you better. He doesn’t see you as an equal.
The second most challenging thing for me to understand is that the reason he was nice in the beginning was strategic and manipulative, not because he genuinely cared about me. After he had established (in me) a certain level of feelings and commitment that got him what he wanted, the mask came off.
You can be my enemy and I still wouldn’t think you were out of order because you got upset that dogs got into chocolate and dirty diapers and made a mess. That sounds horrible. So when your own husband criticizes you for that it’s to distract you from the part where he is an ass hole and isn’t helping or empathetic. Instead, you’re on the defensive (“maybe I did overreact?...”).
I’m so sorry. I hope you read the book, and I hope it takes you a lot less time to realize that a person who can treat you this way (one time, or many times) isn’t a good person to have in your life.
Gather as much evidence about this as possible. If the school tries to hang your daughter over the incident, you use this against them. Go after them for neglecting to take action or being complicit in putting your daughter in emotional turmoil that lead to the whole thing. If necessary, lawyer up and see what the lawyer says you can get away with.
Normally I don't like these kinds of tactics but think of it as a form of Aikido :-) They're trying to cover their asses so you need to CYA.
About Krav Maga and your daugher's reaction. I haven't practiced Krav Maga itself but have similar other martial arts. Her reaction is exactly what's needed to keep herself safe from violence. The only thing is that she's a teenager and hasn't yet learned some other aspects, like de-escalation and avoiding a confrontation. These are two very important skills for survival and complementary to the fighting skills.
I encourage you and your daughter to read The Gift of Fear by Gavin Becker.
OP, you are brave! Thank you for helping this poor woman.
If you read The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker he talks about the human brain and what happens when we're in a terrifying situation. I won't try to explain it other than to say that your instincts sort of take over and it's often like you're being controlled by an outside force. Like your subconscious knows what will save you/another person even if your conscious mind is too terrified to think. He is also the person who developed the Mosaic Threat Assessment which is used by police forces and experts to determine who is likely to commit a violent act. It's a free tool that anybody can use FYI. Comes in handy if you have a violent person in your life.
Please don't be overconfident about your safety due to the order of protection; she could do something violent against you at any time. I highly suggest you read Gavin de Becker's The Gift of Fear - it is loaded with great advice for people in your situation. Good luck.
Please, please, PLEASE hear me out on this.
My husband and I went through the Valley of the Shadow of Death in our marriage almost 10 years ago, and a huge part of it was him and his mom separately gaslighting and passive aggressively manipulating me.
The most important lesson I learned in that year from hell was LISTEN TO YOUR INTUITION.
There is no tool more powerful for you right now than the quiet voice in the back of your mind saying, "Something doesn't seem right about this...". At times it may be confusing because 'So-and-so would never say or do that!', but I promise you that you have an amazing mind and parts of it are working 24/7 processing all the data you receive and finding the patterns you could never consciously think through.
I saw warning sign for over five years before everything blew up, and I ignored every single one of them because I didn't want to deal with the potential fallout.
From everything you've said your MIL is 100% aware of what she's doing, she's CHOOSING to do this, she's been playing the long game, and that's terrifying.
But you know what? It's ok to be terrified.
Number one, it means you are now both aware of what's going on and you're not ignoring or minimizing it, which in turn means you can now work to handle the situation.
Number two, CC had broken her facade. The poet Maya Angelou summed it up perfectly when she said,
>When someone shows you who they are, believe them."
MIL has not only been explicitly clear about what she thinks of you, but she has done so in front of multiple witnesses (and possibly security cameras-- might want to get copies of video if possible). Neither her, D(amn)H, or anyone else can gaslight you about this.
If you can get a copy of "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin Dr Becker. Its arguably the most recommended book on JNMIL, and I think it would do you a world of good.
You are handling all of this so well, especially while expecting DD. Take time to take care of yourself and kiddos, and know that you are not alone in all of this. (hugs, if wanted)
Speaking of books of interest:
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https://www.amazon.com/How-Destroy-Man-Now-DAMN/dp/099982032X
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Destroy a Man Now, a Feminist's guide on using false MeToo allegations to ruin the lives of men who upset them. The PDF version of it is available someplace. Looks like Amazon pulled the kindle edition after complaints.
Now also for sale on Amazon for the low price of $8.99.
Always listen to your gut. Have you read “The Gift of Fear?” Good book on that subject.
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0440508835/
But stranger danger is scare tactic and not really all that effective or accurate so it's not really taught anymore.
Most people will have to talk to strangers, and not all of them are the real enemy and it doesn't teach between the two. The move it towards teaching them which are a good choice and even towards trusting your gut and tricky people.
That said, I agree it's important to aware of people at any age. And that this has red flags, and it was important to pay attention to those as the OP did.
To that end, I think Gavin de Becker's work on fear should be more widely read, including The Gift of Fear.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/How-Destroy-Man-Now-DAMN/dp/099982032X
>Isn't much of the harm caused to the abused child (assuming the pedophile was not violent, which I don't know statistics for) due to the way society responds to the abuse?
There's a book dealing with this issue which suggests that many (not all) of those abused as children were not actually traumatized at the time. Only in retrospect, as they told those around them and saw their reactions, or as they became old enough themselves to feel the act was inappropriate, did the guilt/shame set in.
edit: spelling
Hey guys, PLEASE DON'T report this book. We should want this book to become popular with five star ratings.
This is the example of capitalism and freedom of speech (one - they hate and the other they want to curtail) in action as a result of their hyper emotional listen and believe (which they want) activism.
EDIT:
The book can be purchased on amazon. And the page is archived here.
Get out. Get out now, and go somewhere he doesn't have knowledge of, or the means to reach.
His abuse is textbook. He is escalating. Your independence, and failure to yield to him in all things will only serve to justify greater violence in his mind. He will escalate the use of psychological and physical abuse as he sees necessary to "break" you, and make you submit to him. He can do this because he sees you as something that he owns, something that should be subservient to him.
If you're interested in remaining a free-willed human being, and alive/out of the hospital, get out. Do not come back until you have your squad to help you move your stuff.
Source: I've studied domestic abuse from a layperson perspective for about ten years. This book is like a bible to me.
Please message me if you feel the need, and take care of yourself.
I just saw where you said she works with prisoners as a psychologist. That is frankly terrifying. Contact her superiors and possibly an attorney to see what legal recourse you have to protect yourself from her.
Edited to add: Please consider reading Gavin de Becker's The Gift of Fear. Do not ignore your inner worries when they start dinging this loudly.
Please get and read Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That? Inside the minds of Angry and Controlling Men
You need this book right now. Your husband is becoming physically violent because he thought he had you under his thumb and he now realizes that he doesn't. It is very common for men who are emotionally abusive to become physically abusive when a woman leaves them. Everyone around them thinks they "snapped" but that is not really what is going on, it is what we here call an extinction burst.
So glad you got out when you did.
Please please read: The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence . A relationship is "good" until it's not. Just like how you can feel healthy until you go to the doctor and they tell you're sick. Use your best judgement. Be safe.
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Reread your post. Can you see that he's trying to get his way regardless of your feelings? First he tried the "nice" way. I bet he also tried asking you for a baby. Then he tried telling you he wants a baby. Then he tried a guilt trip. Then he tried to dominate you. Then he HURT you and didn't let up until you agreed under force. OP, do not lie again. Do not say okay if you don't want a baby. You do not want to teach him (without meaning to) that he can get his way if he hurts you.
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Here's an amazon link for the book: https://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Survival-Signals-Violence/dp/0440226198. Maybe someone else knows where to get a free PDF?
I'm really sorry about your previous relationship, OP. hugs You're really brave for getting yourself out of that situation.
There's a really great book I've been reading that's been mentioned a lot, here and in other subs like /r/relationships, called
"Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft.
Bancroft is a counsellor who has worked with abusive men to change their behaviours. In the book, he outlines a lot of tactics that abusers use, which are (surprise, surprise) pretty much the same tactics TRPers talk about to win over women.
He also mentions tips that women can use to identify/avoid potential abusers. (I'll see if I can find that section and post it here)
It's a worthwhile read - you should definitely check it out!
Edit: (Some Key Points from Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That" - How Can I Tell if a Man I'm Seeing Will Become Abusive?)
Edit #2: Gilded? Me? Gilded? Oh, wow! I'm all of a dither
breathes into a paper bag
Thank you so much, kind redditor!
Oh, and for those of you looking for Why Does He Do That?, here's a link to Amazon:
http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656
You should read The Gift of Fear, it addresses more or less this exact issue.
Essentially what it says is that no matter what you say, every time you contact the person you're trying to avoid you buy yourself another six weeks of misery as they respond to it. You have nothing to gain and a lot to lose by contacting her. If you ignore ten emails and reply on the eleventh, the only thing she learns is that it takes eleven emails to get you to respond. She is literally incapable of internalizing the ideas you put forward in your letter. The absolute best response, and from my perspective the only response that will work for your benefit, is complete and utter silence.
Resist the urge, OP! Resist!
>I asked him to leave me alone, he didn’t. So I made up some bs story that I left something behind and ran back into work.
You did well.
The Gift of Fear
https://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Survival-Signals-Violence/dp/0440226198
The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker is an amazing book and I highly recommend it to everyone, but especially women.
https://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Survival-Signals-Violence/dp/0440226198
This, a million times over. Never, ever worry about being polite when you feel threatened.
The Gift of Fear is a good read and might help you feel better about your new situation.
Here's an amazon link!
https://www.amazon.com/Other-Survival-Signals-Protect-Violence/dp/0440508835/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1504112295&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=the+gift+of+fear
"Nothing happened", the word to finish that sentence is YET. while it's unknown exactly how the situation would of progressed if you hadn't left and gone to a safer location... if you feel it's dangerous that you are most likely right in your assessment. People are more perceptive than they realize.
Consider reading this book: The Gift of Fear
https://www.amazon.ca/Gift-Fear-Survival-Signals-Violence/dp/0440226198
Maybe flippin' them off wasn't the smartest move, but they were already focused on harassing you. You are not responsible at all for their sinister behaviour.
It was better to run that to stay, you made the right choice.
There can be a pack mentality of men egging other men on, an action they may not initiate on their own, they will take part in, or turn a blind eye to, when they're together.
I've seen it in girls and women too (pack cruelty), more with verbal bullying, rarely physical violence.
Your story is starting to scare me. Please go get some pepper spray and/or a stun gun because I wouldn't put it past this crazy dude to try and attack you. He won't give two shits about a restraining order.
I also recommend reading this book.
The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker
http://amzn.com/0440226198
Please stay safe and away from Jake!
There are even studies that claim that it's the social pressure causes the trauma rather than an event itself, but who cares [1]? Don't you stumble upon taboos or the society would crucify you. I like how people look at the witchhunting from above while being the same exact people: closed minded, sticking to taboos, lynching people who even question their norms and traditions etc etc.
He is fucking skeptical, he don't have a bunch of kids in his basement, whom he rapes daily, he is questioning the taboo and the arguments behind it.
[1] https://www.amazon.com/Trauma-Myth-Sexual-Children-Aftermath/dp/0465022111
AH! I highly suggest The Gift of Fear for anyone looking to fine-tune their gut feeling. LOVE that book, and love knowing there's science behind those gut intuitions!
How to Destroy A Man Now (DAMN): A Handbook https://www.amazon.com/dp/099982032X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_MrZCCbD49VEDA
R1:https://www.amazon.com.au/How-Destroy-Man-Now-Damn/dp/099982032X
I genuinely can't believe this is an actual thing, like holy shit.
Before anyone says "This has to be satire", it isn't - https://www.amazon.com/dp/099982032X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_MrZCCbD49VEDA
Read the book "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. It's enlightening. I'm so glad you left, you were being abused. Good luck on your next journey. Go heal. You deserve better! We're here for you.
To be fair, lots of guys do need to learn not to rape. This book details a study done concerning the understanding of whether or not an act would be considered rape. 1 in 6 out of 1882 men, (ages ranging from 18 to 71, median age 26) answered "yes" to at least one of the following questions:
Lisak & Miller at 77-78.
And yet denied ever having raped or attempting to rape someone. And most of those men were repeat offenders. Between them there was an average for 5.8 rapes committed each. That's over 400 rapes, by people that did not consider themselves rapists.
It sounds like your husband is a verbal abuser/ controller. I know this because I personally had this problem when I got married.
http://www.amazon.com/Verbally-Abusive-Relationship-Expanded-Third/dp/1440504636/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1426849546&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=patricia+evans
Check out that book, I have a feeling it will ring true to you
https://smile.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656
You should be able to filter their messages to a folder whether you're on an iPhone or an Android.
Then texts go to 'their' folder automatically. You don't have to see them but can check the folder daily, every couple of days or weekly (whatever works for you) & skim msgs for craziness.
This is better than blocking them because it lets you monitor texts on your schedule & gives you a record if legal action becomes appropriate.
If FIL comes after y'all you may have to send them a No Contact letter (certified, return receipt) & call the police if he shows up at your front door & won't leave. You can call the cops without a letter but it provides the authorities more reason to keep them away.
Relax as much as you can. You're adults. They can't guilt you or DH if you don't care. If they try to interfere in your lives you can stop them. Keeping them out of your lives is less stressful than allowing their ugliness / crazy in. Especially with children.
Here's /u/madpiratebippy 's reading list, cut & pasted from a post with her comments:
by Alice Miller. This was THE BOOK that started to set me free. It's a must read book for people with narc/abusive parents and their partners, in my opinion.
is a classic about how to see the manipulative patterns from abusive parents and get free of them.
by Dr. George Simon. Man has a PhD in manipulation, and breaks down what the manipulators DO and how to shut it down. He's studied this for 20 years and it's AMAZING.
Take a deep breath & share your experiences & questions here. You're not alone. Y'all can do this.
EDIT: fixed link (thanks /u/Starkmoon)
Link on amazon:
http://www.amazon.com/The-Gift-Fear-Gavin-Becker/dp/0440226198
That doesn't mean everyone who tells you to up your meds is right, or coming from a good place. Abusive men LOVE to tell their partners they're crazy/paranoid/overly senisitve/imagining things/overreacting
Please read this book
https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656
__
https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat
Angry and controlling men seem to think that there is no way they can be abusive if they don't physically hurt their wife.
YOU ARE ABUSIVE.
Wish I could give your wife this book.
https://www.amazon.com/How-Destroy-Man-Now-DAMN/dp/099982032X
> In How to Destroy A Man Now (DAMN), Dr. Angela Confidential (a business psychologist, consultant, and human resource professional) empowers women with a step-by-step guide for destroying a man’s reputation and removing him from power.
In easy to understand terms, the handbook reveals and explains the fundamental dynamics between allegations, the media, and authority as they relate to male misconduct in today’s society. It also unveils and details practical real-world methods for leveraging allegations, media, and authorities to dethrone a man from power.
One hallmark of abuse is "gaslighting", where those looooong conversations bend your reality a bit. Being harangued for hours really does confuse your sense of things. Gaslighting is common from controlling men. Do a bit of research on it and see what you think?
You may not be ready to see that he's emotionally abusing you yet. If he's starting to accuse you of cheating, he may escalate trying to isolate you from friends. When you have friends and an outside life, it's harder for him to keep you; those other people might tell you to leave him.
Please read this book during your lunch break for a few days: http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656/ref=sr_1_fkmr0_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1319053818&amp;sr=8-1-fkmr0
It is a well-reseached, practical insight into seeing if the behavior from your husband could be considered abusive. It may fit with your scientific mindset and clarify your situation a bit.
Ok, the idea that you give up on your career and stay home watering the plants while he works even though you don't plan to have kids is rather strange by itself, but coupled with what you found... there's really very little chance these things are unrelated. Whatever you do, don't become financially dependent on him ever. He sounds kinda gaslighty and manipulative to me, I recommend you read this book as I'm worried there might be a lot more there that you're not seeing, you should be able to find a pdf online
https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling-ebook/dp/B000Q9J0RO/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1545798686&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=lundy+bancroft
I'm so so sorry, this is a tough thing to go through. As others have said, the biggest thing is finding some professional help. Be patient with yourself, there is no magic thing that will make this less challenging to walk yourself through. But you absolutely will, and you are not alone.
Reading your post was like something I could have written myself a few years ago. I'm still working on it. Learning to have respect and patience for where I was at in the process was a thing I really struggled with, because I just wanted to be done with it and put it behind me. When I couldn't afford therapy, I read a lot of self help books and these two really resonated with me: The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk and Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman. Please feel free to PM me any time if you want someone to talk to.
I'd encourage you to do more research. Most abusers are extremely charming and emotionally manipulative. Many abusers seem like genuinely great people to everyone around them because they're not just some general indiscriminate asshole, and they may treat everyone other than the victim very well. There's a book about exactly this, the author did a lot of investigation through interviews with both the abused and the abuser. Most of the abusers saw nothing wrong with their actions because they veiwed the victim as sub-human and belonging to them.
At the end of the day, it's a power thing and abusers use a wide variety of tactics to gain power of their abuser, ranging from physical abuse to often making the victim doubt their own mental facilities through creative methods.
Two of the most fascinating to me were the following.
One guy would hide things his wife needed, like keys when she was leaving, and then watch as she became increasingly frantic. Once she was in tears, turning the house upside down, tearing her hair out, he would leave the keys in an obvious place like a table and say something along the lines of, "look it's right there. I don't know why you can never find things, you're losing you mind"
Another guy dimmed the lights, Everytime his wife left the room and then would adamently deny it, and call her paranoid and imagining things.
Or because books like [this exist] (https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/099982032X)
There is a great book called The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker that nicely articulates why it is ALWAYS a good idea to listen to your gut reaction in these instances. Research supports the idea that when you feel squicked out by someone, there is usually good reason for it.
In general, I think people need better information about psychological and physical boundaries. I only learned about it in depth in therapy when I was processing my abuse history. I knew I had been hurt, but often couldn't explain why some of the emotional abuse in particular was so egregious until I had vocabulary related to boundary violations to describe it more accurately.
The fact that he grabbed your hand immediately, before even verbally announcing himself or saying hello, is a sign that he feels welcome to invite himself into your space without being asked, i.e. he does not respect your physical space (touching you without invitation or an appropriate level of friendship/intimacy), nor your psychological space (imposing his presence on you for THREE MILES even after you gave CLEAR cues for him to leave, e.g. saying you were going slower today, etc.).
You reacted completely reasonably and appropriately given the situation. What he did shows that he would be willing to impose on your boundaries in other situations as well, and that he sees himself as free to intrude on your space/time/person.
I wouldn't blame you for being concerned about running into him again. Who knows how he'll react when he realizes it isn't your phone number or that he can't find you easily on the path.
Do you run with your phone on you? You may want to let someone know the next time you're out alone in that area so that you can make an emergency call the second you see him again and alert a friend to your location/the fact that he's around. Establish a check-in procedure.
If he is pushy again, or doesn't take no for an answer, I don't think it is unreasonable to let a police officer in the area know. Sometimes they will up patrols when they know that behavior is occurring.
>She said my whole vibe and the way I was looking at them was creepy.
This is called "intuition", sometimes known as "emotional intelligence". It's detailed in Gavin De Becker's masterful book that every woman should read, The Gift of Fear. (Seriously, if you haven't read it, do yourself a favor. If you're a guy, buy it for all the women in your life.)
Experts like De Becker, who specialize in helping women avoid violence, say that the single most important thing any woman can do is follow her gut feelings about creepers.
If a woman says you were being a creepy degrading asshole, dude, you were most likely being a creepy asshole. The very fact that you've come running back to gerbil about your lack of success to your fellow redpillians - plus your post history - tells me that she's RIGHT ON TARGET.
Creepy misogynist PUA-wannabe: 0
Intuitive woman's creepdar: 1
edit: after reading the replies: holy shit they hate women a whole lot in there shudder
edit the second: wow, this post seems to have hit a raw redpillian nerve. As long as you're reading, dudes, what you do is predatory behavior. A lot of women out there are going to intuit that you're up to no good whatsoever. What you do is predatory and creepy as all fuck. You're gross. What's worse is that you're gross and don't realize it. You're like the old fat dude in the otherwise respectable bar wearing gold chains and a texas tuxedo and a nugget ring who talks too loud and tells shitty jokes and pinches the waitstaff's ass and has too much nose/ear/back hair and who thinks he's the hottest of shit, but for whom everyone else - especially women, but normal dudes too - feels a combination of growing impatience, disgust and pity. THAT GUY IS ALL OF YOU.
This. Girl you need a will and guardianship papers stat! Find a good family law or estate attorney and get it done. It's worth the money. Keep a copy on file at your house (in a safe, if you have one), a copy at your lawyer's office and a copy at a bank deposit box (if you don't have a safe.)
Be sure to check the security at your day care. Do they have a pick-up list? Do they enforce it? My son's daycare required a pick-up list. The parent had to call in and let them know someone else was coming. And that person had to show ID when they picked up. See if you can set a password on your account, so if someone comes to get your child, they have to show ID and give a password.
Sounds like you're already doing great on the documentation and the home security. You might want to consider getting a safe. They're not that expensive. We got a 2.5 cubic foot one at Sam's Club and it was $300, I think. It holds a ton of stuff - our taxes, important papers, passports, my good jewelry. That way you could keep your documentation safe too. Especially the baby's birth certificate and social security card. If you can't swing that right now (which I certainly understand with having a new baby), maybe a safe deposit box at your local bank.
Finally, I recommend reading The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker, if you haven't already. It's all about trusting your own instincts in troubling situations. There are so many disturbing red flags in your post that are screaming "Danger! Danger!" in my head, and I don't even know this woman.
Good luck with everything. I hope you have some calm so you can enjoy your new little one without being stressed. And so that you can heal. Enjoy every moment because you blink twice and they're 10 years old. Everyone says it, but it really is true.
Texts and Reference Books
Days in the Lives of Social Workers
DSM-5
Child Development, Third Edition: A Practitioner's Guide
Racial and Ethnic Groups
Social Work Documentation: A Guide to Strengthening Your Case Recording
Cognitive Behavior Therapy: Basics and Beyond
[Thoughts and Feelings: Taking Control of Your Moods and Your Life]
(https://www.amazon.com/Thoughts-Feelings-Harbinger-Self-Help-Workbook/dp/1608822087/ref=pd_sim_14_3?_encoding=UTF8&amp;psc=1&amp;refRID=3ZW7PRW5TK2PB0MDR9R3)
Interpersonal Process in Therapy: An Integrative Model
[The Clinical Assessment Workbook: Balancing Strengths and Differential Diagnosis]
(https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0534578438/ref=ox_sc_sfl_title_38?ie=UTF8&amp;psc=1&amp;smid=ARCO1HGQTQFT8)
Helping Abused and Traumatized Children
Essential Research Methods for Social Work
Navigating Human Service Organizations
Privilege: A Reader
Play Therapy with Children in Crisis
The Color of Hope: People of Color Mental Health Narratives
The School Counseling and School Social Work Treatment Planner
Streets of Hope : The Fall and Rise of an Urban Neighborhood
Deviant Behavior
Social Work with Older Adults
The Aging Networks: A Guide to Programs and Services
[Grief and Bereavement in Contemporary Society: Bridging Research and Practice]
(https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0415884810/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o02_s00?ie=UTF8&amp;psc=1)
Theory and Practice of Group Psychotherapy
Motivational Interviewing: Helping People Change
Ethnicity and Family Therapy
Human Behavior in the Social Environment: Perspectives on Development and the Life Course
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
Generalist Social Work Practice: An Empowering Approach
Publication Manual of the American Psychological Association
The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook
DBT Skills Manual for Adolescents
DBT Skills Manual
DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets
Social Welfare: A History of the American Response to Need
Novels
[A People’s History of the United States]
(https://www.amazon.com/Peoples-History-United-States/dp/0062397346/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1511070674&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=howard+zinn&amp;dpID=51pps1C9%252BGL&amp;preST=_SY291_BO1,204,203,200_QL40_&amp;dpSrc=srch)
The Man Who Mistook His Wife For a Hat
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time
Life For Me Ain't Been No Crystal Stair
The Diving Bell and the Butterfly
Tuesdays with Morrie
The Death Class <- This one is based off of a course I took at my undergrad university
The Quiet Room
Girl, Interrupted
I Never Promised You a Rose Garden
Flowers for Algernon
Of Mice and Men
A Child Called It
Go Ask Alice
Under the Udala Trees
Prozac Nation
It's Kind of a Funny Story
The Perks of Being a Wallflower
The Yellow Wallpaper
The Bell Jar
The Outsiders
To Kill a Mockingbird
Abusers will try to convince you their feelings are the problem. "I was mad, I was frustrated, I felt scared of losing you, I just love you so much". But everyone experiences those same emotions without abusing others.
An abuser does not have a problem with how they feel, they have a problem with how they think. They think they're entitled to attention, care-taking, interest, to a person giving up who she is to focus entirely on the abuser's needs. And when they don't get what they think they're entitled to, they feel entitled to call that person horrible things. They give themselves permission to express those feelings based on how they think.
Never be misled; if someone talks to you this way its not because "they were mad". It's because they think it's okay to express their anger in that toxic unfair way. Read more here if you need
Because it can cause significant harm to clients’ lives to push them to unpack traumatic memories when they do not first have some coping skills to handle the inevitable hard stuff that will come out of the process. This client appears to have the self-confidence to say “I’m not ready for that” but many do not. You are the professional. They trust you to lead them. Not being aware of this can lead to therapists doing more harm that healing.
In this book Judith Herman does a great job of talking about how important it is to do this coping skills work before exploring the trauma.
Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence--from Domestic Abuse to Political Terror https://www.amazon.com/dp/0465087302/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_VcLXAbDY9NECB
I'm sorry, this sounds pretty stressful. Absolutely trust your instincts, and perhaps look into this reading material. I agree with the other poster about loudly telling him to stop, this makes it clear what you want, and it makes the situation clear to observers as well.
I disagree with the other commenter about your carrying pepper spray being 'escalation.' You have every right to carry whatever weapon you consider reasonable.
One thing that I kept coming back to while I was reading the accusations was the idea of enthusiastic consent.
We need to be clear that saying "I'm not interested" for an hour and then finally saying "okay" is not consent, it's manipulation. When you say "no" or "I'm tired" it is not okay for your partner to interpret that as "you really mean yes." As an individual, you need to sit down and think about your boundaries and set clear limits. Don't be afraid to enforce those boundaries if you feel safe enough to do so. Recognize that if someone crosses your line of comfort and safety that they are in the wrong, not you. You get to decide what you are comfortable with and they have to respect it. Situations like the ones involved in Alex Day's incidents are not okay because he crossed personal boundaries. He only cared about his needs and desires and not those of his partners. Good partners don't do that.
I also think we need to think about the effect that we have on our friends and acquaintances around us. We need to stand up against this type of behavior before it escalates into serious crimes. Here is a great resource for scripts you can use when someone you know does something uncomfortable. This is a great resource if you are worried about being a creeper. Finally, an example or two of why we shouldn't just sweep accusations like this under rug for the sake of harmony.
I am a Nerdfighter and will not tolerate any member of our community who uses their power and influence against other members. Those people forgot to be awesome, but we don't have to.
*Edited to add more resources.
Program you can bring up with your school
Fun comic!
A book with some really great information
Please trust your gut feelings. If he gives you bad vibes, there's a chance your instincts are trying to tell you something.
The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker is an amazing read that's all about this, following your instincts and listening to the messages your subconscious mind can send you. I highly recommend it, it can put your mind at ease in terms of how to evaluate your own feelings (it's VERY easy to develop a habit of diminishing our feelings by thinking we are overreacting--but we shouldn't do that to ourselves!).
I would also recommend a copy of the gift of fear
It’s probably recommended here all the time, but there’s a wonderful book called The Gift of Fear which teaches the importance of trusting your gut instinct in these situations. You and OP did that well, and it probably saved you.
I'm blown away by how LSD seems to be able to actually get down to the core of our issues. I had my first trip two days ago but I had the exact opposite outcome - I had a rather small dose (approx 75-80ug) but had a wonderful time. The "message" I got is that I worry too much about work, and life in general, and that just need to I relax and that everything is okay. However, my issue is that I work up to 60-80 hours a week 9-10 months of the year. Weed on the other hand made me feel pretty much worthless and made me even more anxious and self-critical and even less motivated to get out of bed. My absolute biggest fear about doing LSD was what if I would find out that I'm an asshole? How the hell do I cope with that? Fortunately this relatively small dose helped me to step outside myself just enough to realize that I'm a much more decent human being than I give myself credit for.
Now, I'm obviously not an expert, and I still haven't had time to fully reflect on the trip and integrate the things I experienced but now that I've dipped my toes in psychedelics for the first time I've begun understand a little bit how it works, and it's no miracle cure for sure (and I don't know if anybody has ever claimed that, but it's easy to get that impression from all of the experiences people share).
From the information and stories I've gathered from other people (and it seems to be true from my short experience too) is that it can bring you immense clarity, but I won't fix your problems. There's a very interesting podcast I listened to last night, where Neal Goldsmith talks about the importance of the work that comes after the trip. If you don't do anything with what you experienced during the trip, he argues, it can create even more damage. https://psychedelicsalon.com/podcast-499-psycheology-psychedelics-and-the-study-of-the-soul/
If I were you in your shoes (I once was, so I can relate to your situation and how you feel), I'd start with digging a little bit deeper about your past and history and try to find out why you can't muster any will-power to worry about life.
Just to give you an example from my own life, I used to care about nothing except partying and music. I wanted to become a rockstar (hah!) and/or a nightclub owner, even though I had no idea of what it takes to get there. I wanted to become successful (whatever that meant at that time) without doing all the hard work. Basically all my dreams (mostly just empty shallow daydreams) revolved around the nightlife (this was from when I was 20 until I was 30). I had some part time jobs here and there, but nothing that could support me 100%. Fortunately, a few years ago I had a little bit of luck and got some freelancing gigs which just grew and blew up, and within 2-3 years I went from my parents paying my rent and being $20.000 in debt to driving a nice car and earning within the top 10% However, and this is the moral of the story, I'm absolutely not happier now than I was before. If anything, I'm more anxious and scared and I haven't really felt pure joy in years. And what I've learned about myself, mostly by reading books and meditating, is that everything in my life has been driven out of fear. 5-10 years ago I was doing nothing to get out of the bed because I was scared of the world and everything and everybody. Rejection in my world view has always been such a hard thing to cope with, that I'd rather not even try. Fast-forward 10 years and to anybody on the outside world I'm probably considered successful, but I feel nothing like that. I'm still struggling every dingle day with the exact same fears as I did back then, but they manifest in a different way. I now work 80 hours a week because I'm scared to turn down work. What if I turn down a project and they'll find somebody else? I haven't had a proper vacation in 3 years. Do you see the irony? I used the be scared to get out and look for work, now I'm scared to say no to work. It's not really a fun way to live.
If I were you, I'd take a break from drugs completely, and spend some time (a LOT of time) reading some books. Start with psychology and spice it up with some business (or whatever it is you want to do). You actually seem to have the luxury of time to be able to do that, so make use of it. Try to find out what fears inhibit you from going to where you want.
Here's a book that I'd recommend you starting with: https://www.amazon.com/Drama-Gifted-Child-Search-Revised/dp/0465016901
It's a relatively short read (less than 150 pages), and when I first picked it up, it spoke to me already in the first pages and gave me the motivation to start digging deeper within myself. I'm not sure if it's available on kindle, but I'm sure you can find it on PDF or audiobook if you know where to look. If not, let me know and I'll dig it up for you. If that book resonates with you I'd be happy to share some more with you.
Sorry for the long rant - I hope it helps. Good luck!
edit: Also, if you haven't already and you for whatever reason won't decide to stay off drugs for a while, at least read Fadiman's book on psychedelics before proceeding. There are lots of valuable information in there on how to conduct a safe practice: https://www.amazon.com/Psychedelic-Explorers-Guide-Therapeutic-Journeys/dp/1594774021/ref=sr_1_1/166-4346259-0867716?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1484133871&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=james+fadiman
This book deals with this concept really well, and is one I'd highly recommend to anyone who relates to the person in the article.
i'm the worst for tl;dr's and it's been awhile since i read it anyway so i'd be wary to try to summarize haha, but the book is The Gift of Fear, i think it's like
$10$6.39, apparently! as an ebook on amazon, though i'm sure it can be found easily on libgen for free as well. Gavin de Becker is a security consultant, came up with the protocol to evaluate threats to Supreme Court Justices and whatnot, so figuring out who's actually dangerous and how to de-escalate a situation is really his Thing. book was very interesting IMO and worth reading :) the stuff about firing a potentially dangerous person is towards the end of the book as far as i remember.You are being socially programmed to not make a fuss, cause trouble, or affect his family/job... All to the detriment of your own job and safety.
You asked him to stop, and you can leave it at that, but if he does one more inappropriate thing:
Call the police, tell your boss, and end it...
Also, read the book "The gift of fear". Don't be "polite" or nice when you KNOW everything he is doing is WRONG. Trust your gut and instincts, it could save your life, or someone else's.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Gift_of_Fear
http://www.amazon.com/The-Gift-Fear-Gavin-Becker/dp/0440226198
And a little Oprah for fun. LOL.
http://www.oprah.com/oprahs-lifeclass/The-Gift-of-Fear-by-Gavin-de-Becker
No, I'm not shilling the book or associated with the author/publisher. OP just basically outlined EVERYTHING the book says...
And those strategies are used by predators to rape 75 women every hour in the USA.
usually physical violence is preceded by years of mental abuse and "small" physical assaults such as shoving etc and so by the time the women is being beaten she is often in a really low place mentally. Most often, the abuser is also charming and loving at times so it's a mind fuck thing going on. I recommend the book by Lundy Bancroft http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656
If you don't break up with him after this, at least turn your relationship into a social experiment and start recording his red flags. In future, you will have a long list of red flags that you can easily identify to recognize men who don't respect women. Be prepared for him to eventually try to control your life. ALWAYS have an exit strategy. And please no not move in with him.
I also suggest you please read this book. It was eye opening for me, and I would imagine you could learn a lot from it as well.
I used to think this to. That my lack of education or caring somehow triggered the violence in my life. If you can find a library, many offer free audio and ebooks, please check out this book. It helped my world make sense.
https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656
It's possible he doesn't realize his behavior is inappropriate because of either some sort of mental disorder or a weird childhood, and it's also possible he realizes what a creeper he is being, but it doesn't matter. Educating him isn't your job. Your job is to keep yourself safe. If that means ignoring him, cool, if that means contacting the police, cool, if that means explaining to him how inappropriate he was and establishing clear boundaries, cool. It's up to you. Trust your judgement.
I dealt with a lot of guys like this over the years, and my default mode was to try not to make a fuss, and that got me stalked and sexually assaulted. My mode now is to establish clear, firm boundaries from the beginning. As soon as someone does something that isn't cool, I point it out. "You're not allowed to grab my ass. If you do it again, I'm telling a bouncer and not talking to you anymore." or "I want you to stop contacting me. I'm not interested in dating or being friends with you. If you try to come by or break in again I'm calling the police."
Unfortunately, being firm and putting up boundaries can incite violence and make the situation temporarily worse. Remember, you have a right to live harassment free, and you have done nothing wrong. He is being inappropriate. Check out The Gift of Fear.
Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft gave me back my life. I think every woman should read this book.
> After the dinner date we went back to his place. We were on the couch. Nothing had happened yet, he just had his arm around me. I was a little buzzed off the wine, and he said "I want to show you something."
So he didn't talk to you about hypnotizing you, and get your consent? Did you have a talk about limits and what's okay, and how much control he should have?
> He told me a little more about how he likes to use hypnosis to enhance the bedroom. So as we would text, he would send me images about erotic hypnosis all day. When I wasn't at work, he would send me videos, audios, or we would have hypnotic phone sex.
It sounds like you got into a steady relationship, but he sounds like he likes to push past your limits and uses hypnosis to do so, and is isolating your from your friends, family and work. These are all classic abuser techniques. Do you feel safe in your relationship? Are you able to say no and have him respect that? Does he try to control you or speak for you outside of your sexual relationship?
Childhood sexual abuse and assault, like he experienced, is often a huge issue for people's sexuality later in life. Especially when their body responds to the sexual stimulation as a child, even if they didn't consent to it (and that is extremely common)
It can be harder for boys, because of societal beliefs that they should be happy and grateful for this kind of sexual attention from adult women.
There are a lot of therapists who help people heal from sexual trauma like this, and some great self help books out there too, if he wants to go that route.
Edit:
This is my go-to list of rape recovery and sexual abuse recovery self-help books, including some of the precious few books for male victims, as well.
The Rape Recovery Handbook: Step-by-Step Help for Survivors of Sexual Assault by Aphrodite Matsakis
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The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse by Wendy Maltz
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Healing Sex: A Mind-Body Approach to Healing Sexual Trauma by Staci Haines
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The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse Laura Davis & Ellen Bass
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Allies in Healing: When the Person You Love Was Sexually Abused as a Child Laura Davis
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Coming Home to Passion: Restoring Loving Sexuality in Couples with Histories of Childhood Trauma and Neglect by Ruth Cohn
The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk
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Victims No Longer: The Classic Guide for Men Recovering from Sexual Child Abuse by Mike Lew
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Abused Boys: The Neglected Victims of Sexual Abuseby Mic Hunter
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Don't Tell: The Sexual Abuse of Boys by Michel Dorais
I certainly did! Thank you.
>Being dumped, especially if we hadn’t had sex, was the worst thing that could happen. I wanted sex, and only women had the power to give or take it away, and in my mind this made them more powerful than anything else.
I think this is at the heart of every young TRP, and a large contingent of the guys on AskMen. To want sex so desperately, and not get it, small wonder they get so angry at the perceived gatekeepers.
One good turn deserves another. Found this book today, someone excerpted it on Tumblr:
>"When [an abusive man] tells me that he became abusive because he lost control of himself, I ask him why he didn’t do something even worse. For example, I might say, “You called her a fucking whore, you grabbed the phone out of her hand and whipped it across the room, and then you gave her a shove and she fell down. There she was at your feet where it would have been easy to kick her in the head. Now, you have just finished telling me that you were ‘totally out of control’ at that time, but you didn’t kick her. What stopped you?” And the client can always give me a reason. Here are some common explanations:
>"I wouldn’t want to cause her a serious injury."
>“I realized one of the children was watching.”
>“I was afraid someone would call the police.”
>“I could kill her if I did that.”
>“The fight was getting loud, and I was afraid the neighbors would hear.”
>And the most frequent response of all:
>"Jesus, I wouldn’t do that. I would never do something like that to her.”
>The response that I almost never heard — I remember hearing it twice in the fifteen years — was: “I don’t know.”
>These ready answers strip the cover off of my clients’ loss of control excuse. While a man is on an abusive rampage, verbally or physically, his mind maintains awareness of a number of questions: “Am I doing something that other people could find out about, so it could make me look bad? Am I doing anything that could get me in legal trouble? Could I get hurt myself? Am I doing anything that I myself consider too cruel, gross, or violent?”
>A critical insight seeped into me from working with my first few dozen clients: An abuser almost never does anything that he himself considers morally unacceptable. He may hide what he does because he thinks other people would disagree with it, but he feels justified inside. I can’t remember a client ever having said to me: “There’s no way I can defend what I did. It was just totally wrong.” He invariably has a reason that he considers good enough. In short, an abuser’s core problem is that he has a distorted sense of right and wrong.
>I sometimes ask my clients the following question: “How many of you have ever felt angry enough at youer mother to get the urge to call her a bitch?” Typically half or more of the group members raise their hands. Then I ask, “How many of you have ever acted on that urge?” All the hands fly down, and the men cast appalled gazes on me, as if I had just asked whether they sell drugs outside elementary schools. So then I ask, “Well, why haven’t you?” The same answer shoots out from the men each time I do this exercise: “But you can’t treat your mother like that, no matter how angry you are! You just don’t do that!”
>The unspoken remainder of this statement, which we can fill in for my clients, is: “But you can treat your wife or girlfriend like that, as long as you have a good enough reason. That’s different.” In other words, the abuser’s problem lies above all in his belief that controlling or abusing his female partner is justifiable…."
First off, I think the childhood molestation hit you harder than you know. You don't seem to understand acceptable boundaries when it comes to sexual partners (don't spend time with anyone who doesn't respect the word no). Nor do you feel comfortable enough following your instinct in leaving a situation you don't want to be in. You're less likely to get into these sorts of situations if you get some therapy or read Gavin de Becker's The Gift of Fear.
> 1) I tell him I don't want to have sex. I say I don't want to. He puts on the condom and says he'll just stick the tip in. I cry while he's fucking me
What kind of sick fuck gets turned on by a woman crying because he's having sex with her? This was definitely rape. You don't need to be screaming and running away. His response to you telling him no twice was to reach for a condom? WTF?
> 2) I find myself saying yes. I pretend to come because I want to go home. I say I need to take a break, and he leans against me, then falls asleep. Okay, I say, and start giving him a blow job. After awhile, he says, can I put it in? I say okay. Pretty sure he could tell I wasn't really into the sex.
This is not rape, just bad sex. You verbally agreed whenever he asked. He had no way of knowing you didn't want sex, other than not really being into it.
> 3) In the morning he wants to have sex again, but I tell him I'm a bit sore and don't want to. I still say I don't want to. He sticks it in anyway. I say no, I'm too sore, I'm really not used to this. But he sticks it in anyway.
Unless this is some pre-arranged rape fantasy sex in which you have a safe word that is not "no," then this is also rape.
I wouldn't call a gut feeling dumb luck. A bad gut feeling is often the reaction we have to behavioral red flags we pick up unconsciously. In this particular case, given that two officers had
the same reaction and no apparent motive to target this man, the kidnapper almost certainly acted in ways that subtly alarming.
Gavin de Becker's "The Gift of Fear" explains this well: https://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Survival-Signals-Violence/dp/0440226198.
The first chapter is available online here: http://www.nytimes.com/books/first/b/becker-fear.html
Based on your edit, I think you are doing 100% the right thing. It really sucks that this guy can affect your life so much with something as small as a letter, but it happened and now all you can do is deal with the situation in front of you. And you're doing great.
I want to highly recommend that you buy and read [The Gift of Fear] (http://www.amazon.com/Other-Survival-Signals-Protect-Violence/dp/0440508835/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1395939077&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=the+gift+of+fear) by Gavin de Becker. It's a very interesting and well-written book, and also incredibly useful if you happen to have a stalker. I work at a domestic violence shelter, and I recommend that book to many of my clients. And all my friends. And basically everybody.
This is a scary situation, but you're doing awesome. Even if the police don't seem to think it's "threatening," it IS. What he did is absolutely a threat. He said, "I know where you live, I know what you look like naked, and I think I have ownership of that." Even if he's wrong (about it being you in the pictures) that's still a warning, so take it for what it is! Trust yourself, and listen to your instincts. Instincts can be incredibly useful, and yours are telling you to run far away. So run away. There's nothing dishonorable about running to protect yourself. Run away this one time, and hopefully you won't ever have to deal with him again.
Good luck! Message me if you want to talk about anything. I have some experience dealing with stalkers and scary people, so I'm definitely happy to talk with you if you need it.
Your nails are gorgeous! And congratulations on getting away from an abusive and controlling relationship!
I want to recommend several books to help you, even now, 8 months later. The more time you can take for yourself to heal and to learn--probably at least a year--it will reduce the chances of getting into another relationship that includes abuse and control.
* Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
* Bancroft's Helping Your Children Heal from Witnessing Abuse.
* Gavin de Becker's The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals that Protect Us from Violence.
I was in a decade-long abusive relationship, which I successfully exited in 2012, and have never looked back. Life just keeps getting better, and I am so happy to finally have a serene and peaceful life. These were invaluable resources for me. Thank you for sharing your story of strength!
In /r/relationships they often recommend the book 'The gift of fear'. https://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Survival-Signals-Violence/dp/0440226198
It's a general book on the subject of safety but it really touches on the signals we tend to ignore as women under the guise of politeness.
1. What was the most effective thing you've ever done to improve your life?
went to therapy
2. How did you do it?
I used PsychologyToday.com to find a therapist. You can search by insurance, what kinds of issues they have experience in, what types of treatment they do, their gender and religion if that's important to you, if they're open to LGBT folks, if they do video/online counseling. I chose a youngish guy who had a kind face, and that worked out.
3. How did you realize that it was the thing that needed changing?
My therapist connected all the dots for me. Before I went to therapy, I was trying to optimize a completely broken system. I couldn't see how procrastinating on doing the dishes was related to how much I drank every day, how that was related to my depression and lack of motivation, which was of course unrelated to my childhood and how I learned to think and behave growing up. Therapy was like making a map connecting all the dots and once I did that I could see multiple paths out. I made some small changes, which led to bigger changes, and now I'm 5 months sober, hitting the gym twice a week, asleep by 10pm every night, back to my hobbies and looking forward to the future
4. Why hadn't you changed it sooner?
moneyyyy
5. What was the biggest obstacle?
moneyyyy
6. How did you overcome it?
I got a promotion and raise at work and took the plunge. I wish I had a better answer and I wish quality mental health services were more available.
7. What would you advise someone who wants to do the same?
if money's a problem: look for younger folks still under supervision. They're often cheaper, and studies show age makes no appreciable difference in quality of care. The office may offer a sliding scale fee, and some are able to give you a lower price if you explain your situation to them. If you really can't afford it, books can really help too. This one on Childhood Emotional Neglect really opened my mind. The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook is also extremely helpful.
Obviously I don't think everyone in this sub has a mental illness and needs therapy. But if you're struggling with a consistent lack of motivation, inability to get going, general dissatisfaction, etc. I think it can be really helpful to examine the structures at work behind that. Are you trying to optimize a broken system?
"I lived in a glass house into which my mother could look at any time. In a glass house, however, you cannot conceal anything without giving yourself away, except by hiding it under the ground. And then you cannot see it either."
The Drama of the Gifted Child
YES! Just remember the good times were tricks to keep you around for the bad times! Definitely recommend reading Why Does He Do That? It's very illuminating and really helpful!
For anyone who is hesitant on this talk of trusting your 'feeling' about events going on, give the book 'The Gift of Fear' a look.
Opinions and feelings aren't all you go on in events like this, but they are a starting point to get to the actual facts and are often reliable.
Please get this book and get out: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B000Q9J0RO/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&amp;btkr=1
If you'd like to understand it more: http://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Gavin-Becker-ebook/dp/B0036Z9U2A/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1420055299&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=gift+of+fear
Relax. He's trying to extort money from you, which is a crime. If you know you didn't do anything wrong, and if you know he let other employees use your number to do stuff, and you're pretty sure he wasn't paying business taxes like he was supposed to, not only should you be fine (since you didn't do anything wrong), but you could get him in trouble for criminal tax evasion and extortion.
Have you read "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker? See if it's at your local library. It is VERY VERY helpful in dealing with evil people.
https://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Survival-Signals-Violence/dp/0440226198
Hi Stalker NMom,
I guess you're not very smart, so this is probably a waste of my time. But I'm going to tell you a few things for your own good anyway.
I'm a 40 year old woman who has not been in contact of any kind with my biological parents for about 2.5 years. It was very low contact for about 4 years before the complete cutoff.
I suppose you think you're entitled to be a stalker asshole. My mother sure did. You probably don't even think that what you're doing qualifies as stalking, but this book explains in a really common-sense way why you actually are a stalker: http://www.amazon.com/Other-Survival-Signals-Protect-Violence/dp/0440508835
I think if you asked my mother about my relationship with her, she'd start whining and go on about some memory about me being 6 years old. Really, I think the only reason she had me was for the "baby" part of having a kid. Right about the time I hit puberty she started treating me like complete shit and regularly talking about how the only thing she was looking forward to now was having grandbabies. That's all I was good for.
But you know what? Now that I'm 40 I really can't remember shit about my pre-puberty years. Just little bits of memory here and there. But I remember my teenage years with crystal clarity, as if it happened yesterday. You have a teenage daughter, and the way that you treat her today is your legacy. That is what she will remember when she's my age.
Do you want to be a part of a potential grandchild's life?
Do you want help when you're old and sick?
No one OWES any of that to you. If you keep acting the way you are acting now, it's YOUR future that you're throwing in the toilet. That 18 year old couple are already here (in an online support group for children of abusive parents). That's way better than I had at their age. It took me years to get to the point that I knew it wasn't my fault. They'll leave and you'll never see them again. Maybe that's what you want, maybe not. But you should think about it before throwing tantrums and getting your daughter in trouble in school. You should really think about it.
Seems like the brigadiers have already hit the Amazon page for the book. Reviews are almost all MGTOW and incel propaganda with no actual reference to the source material at all.
Which is a shame because if it really is about what they say it is, it should be really easy to prove.
Or this. But that one's just depressing as hell.
It's hard when you are doing your best as a mom and are continually inundated with the message that a 2 parent family is the best thing for kids. There are a lot of us kids out there who will tell you that it would have been much better if our parents divorced. I'm in my 30's, I grew up with a verbally abusive dad, I still get feedback at work about my lack of confidence and am afraid of angering people. It also had a very negative impact on my view of relationships. Abusive relationships are confusing and heartbreaking. Particularly when you love them. Before you make your mind up about anything, you might want to check out Why Does He Do That? it will help make sense of a lot of your dynamic and relationship/argument dynamics. It's not your fault.
Before we got married, my wife had two "stalkers" like this. Annoying, creepy, but nothing criminal. One had a traumatic brain injury and the other guy had a different disorder. Subtle hints that she was not interested did nothing. She never tried the direct approach, and I'm not sure that it would have worked. Cognitive dissonance was big with these guys.
Gavin de Becker is a security expert, and in his book he says many of these types of guys are clueless, but harmless. Of course, some cross the line to harmful. His recommendation was to starve the stalker of any attention until they shifted their focus elsewhere. He found that threats or restraining orders were counter productive in most situations.
If he's not abusive, he's awfully close. People who have abusive tendencies like to jump into relationships full speed to sort of 'trap' their partner. He is jealous, he tracks your location, confronts you when you don't respond fast enough (uh, you're in class!) or when he can't see where you are in real time, he's clingy, he's demanding of your time, he doesn't trust you even though you show him your communications with friends...
Okay, he's abusive.
The excitement of a new relationship, especially when they're super into you, is a rush. It happens. Sometimes it fizzles out under the best of circumstances; this is not the best of circumstances by a long shot.
Someone does not need an actual reason to break up with someone. Sure, it's great to be able to give one and it's great to be able to get one. But you have a lot of reasons to move on and move on fast before he escalates. BTW, there's a good chance he will be very angry if (hopefully when) you break up with him. Make sure friends are close by (don't let him know this) or do it in a very public area. Carry pepper spray if you must. If he has a key to your place, change the locks. Change your passcode on your phone or any password he knows. Delete/block him on all social media. If you do all this before you break up, he'll get suspicious. Write down a list of what you need to do so you don't forget. Then break up and take care of these things ASAP.
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https://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/abuse-defined/
https://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Survival-Signals-Violence/dp/0440226198
https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656
There is an amazing book on listening to intuition and how it can save lives called the Gift of Fear. HIGHLY recommend it.
There's a definitive book on the subject.
I read this back when some asshole was obsessing over my GF and following her around. We ended up going to court and getting a restraining order to keep him away from our homes and workplaces.
Hm. It's a little bit tricky to say. On the one hand, I do feel like it's a good policy to look up and say hello to your neighbors, and I do wonder whether you might be overgeneralizing about the intent of the people talking to you in the street or misreading the culture. My experience is that people in poorer communities tend to be more open about casually talking to people in the streets than people in wealthier communities.
Regarding what his response: do you ever talk to people in the neighborhood? It's possible that he wasn't saying "You need to talk to me because your kind is gentrifying the neighborhood," but rather "We've seen you around and noticed that you ignore all of us all the time." In fact, I see his remark as more of an honest, slightly hurt question than an attempt to rope you into anything you didn't want to do, especially if he didn't follow after you and keep trying to talk as you went by.
And I guess I do feel a bit...rubbed the wrong way by your remark that you are fairly certain he would have made an inappropriate remark if you gave any response, because I don't see anything indicative of that, but, granted, I wasn't there at the time, so there may have been some things happening that doesn't quite come through in text.
You are right, however, that you don't need to communicate with anyone if you don't want to, but it might be worthwhile to consider a slightly different approach while you're living in this neighborhood. There was a really excellent blog post I read a while ago about dealing with harassment in India, but I can't seem to find again. The gist of it, however, is that it is important for a person to distinguish between dangerously creepy individuals and harmless ones. A big, important difference between the two, is that dangerously creepy individuals won't take no for an answer, whereas harmless ones will back off if you tell them you're uncomfortable with what they're doing.
A lot of times, immigrants and people from poorer communities fall into the "harmlessly creepy" categories. They might not share your cultural background that taught them, "Don't say these things to women walking alone," but they will respect you if you tell them you are uncomfortable with it.
The book The Gift of Fear talks a lot about distinguishing between different types of situations that might cause us discomfort, and how best to respond to them. It will be good for teaching you what it feels like to be in a situation where your safety is actually at risk, versus being in a situation that might be uncomfortable, but isn't actually dangerous.
Your exact course of action is up to you, of course, but I would personally recommend you take the route of responding to people who talk to you on the street and saying, "Don't do that, please" if someone makes an unwelcome remark. If they push the issue, repeat, more loudly, "I said, cut that out." At this point, it is likely that others will tell the person in question to back off if they do not do so themselves.
You would probably enjoy The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker.
It contains a bunch of creepy, /r/LetsNotMeet-style stories about stalkers and murderers and such, written by a security expert who explains why your gut is such a good warning system and how you can use it better to keep yourself safe.
A fun and disturbing read.
Before I tell my stories, I want to recommend that every woman read The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals that Protect Us From Violence by Gavin de Becker. It's important to trust your intuition even if you feel worried about looking foolish. Your brain recognizes when things are off before your conscious mind is even aware of anything happening.
I've had multiple scary encounters over the years. But there are two that stand out to me the most.
I was about 17 or 18 and driving home from my after school job. I pulled on to my street that was next to a busy road, and noticed that a couple other cars had turned as well. I parked on the street in front of my family home, and the two cars also parked on the street. This wasn't unusual in my area (a lot of people park on the street) so I didn't think much of it. Some men got out of one of the cars, and they noticed me parked a bit behind them. When they saw me, they moved towards me and I got a bad gut feeling, so I quickly locked my driver's side door (manual locks). One of the men tried to open my driver's door. I had enough room to drive off, so I did that and went to my friend's house who lived a few blocks over.
In another situation, I was walking outside on a nice summer night after dark. It must have been about 9:30 or 10 pm. As I was walking, I noticed a car behind me. The man in the car slowed down and started following me. My gut said get the hell out of there, so I ran to my neighbor's house and rang the doorbell until they answered.
Those were just two of my experiences.
One. The Drama of a Gifted Child by Alice Miller
Two. Between the World and Me by Ta-Nehisi Coates
Three. The Ethics of Ambiguity by Simone De Beauvoir
Four. The Plague by Albert Camus
Five. Daring Greatly by Brene Brown
Six. Being Mortal by Atul Gawande
Seven. The Atheist Muslim by Ali Rizvi
Eight. A World of Three Zeros by Muhammad Yunus
edit: numbers didn’t show
https://www.amazon.com/How-Destroy-Man-Now-DAMN/dp/099982032X
As it should be. Actors of violence shouldn't be given popularity, as it only succeeds in encouraging more like them (One thing I learned from The Gift of Fear)
Hey OP! This is a little off topic but I hope it helps you. I wasn't raised fundie, but I've recently been learning about Childhood Emotional Neglect and realized how prominent it was in my childhood. I think a LOT of fundie families unknowingly promote this sort of emotional suffocation. It can happen intentionally (narcissistic parents) or unintentionally (emotionally absent parents who just think their MO is the norm.)
My parents did their absolute best, but I still had complex emotional needs that they couldn't meet. I don't blame them, but it's helpful to recognize the patterns.
If you need resources, I've found Dr. Jonice Webb to be a leading voice on the topic. She has a book called Running on Empty which I'm reading right now. It explains so much.
Lets start at square one, you may not be able to carry anything purpose built but you absolutely can ensure you have items that can be used to aid you in a pinch.
When I recently traveled to your country I opted to keep a couple items on my person...a tuff-writer pen and also a quality flashlight that ran on an AA power source rather than CR123's or something of that nature. In addition to that I would recommend that you have first-aid, a tool bag, and a fire extinguisher...in your automobile if applicable. Once you have a set of kit sorted out that should be something that is always with you just like the new can-do-attitude you will be cultivating, none of this crap helps you if its back at home 45 min away.
Something like this will add capabilities to your tool box, and that helps solve one aspect of your problem.
The other side of things is how to train yourself to be more aware, this is however a life long process and it is a skill that will atrophy quickly. I recommend you pickup a copy of this book The Gift of Fear it details the human fear response and helps put it in context for dealing with day to day life...this book was really what set me on the tracks for being more situationally aware.
The other thing you should remember is just because you don't have a pistol on your belt, or a myriad of knives on your body doesn't have any impact what-so-ever on how well prepared you are to deal with a crisis, or your situational awareness. I have known plenty of people (military/civilian) who have zero situational awareness and are completely unprepared to deal with anything unless its explained to them in advance, using small words.
Once you have a basis you can start looking at some of the next steps. I think a great many people will suggest Martial Arts to you, and there is nothing wrong with that at all...if it is something you are interested in, you might also consider some medical training, bush-craft skills courses, mountaineering instruction, land navigation...and other courses of this nature, again its about putting skills/tools in your tool box that can be drawn on later when needed.
I hope this helps at at least get you thinking about how you can start to be more self reliant, and help be part of the solution not the problem.
-Sage
There's a book people mention in r/creepypms a lot, I haven't read it myself but want to. It's called "The Gift of Fear" https://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Survival-Signals-Violence/dp/0440226198
Google for "signs of an abusive relationship".
Read the resulting webpages several times.
If you are still unsure that you are better off, read "Controlling People" by Patricia Evans. Also get "The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize it and How to Respond" by the same author.
If you read those books, have googled for "signs of an abusive relationship'' and are STILL unsure that you are better off, send me a round-trip plane ticket to your city so that I can personally thwap you upside da haid several times with a big, wet, sloppy, dead trout.
If you FINALLY understand after then, I'll happily filet, bread and fry the thing into a nice fish dinner and include some champagne to celebrate your positive new sense of wisdom. I'll be sure to name the fish after your former boyfriend first. :)
EDIT: I have to add that I remember how much I pined for my ex so many years ago... it took me a whole lotta months for it to become finally clear to me that he was an abusive jerk. Even his own family thought he was a jerk. Seriously. Still, I was in major denial all over the place. After that experience, I learned how to have REAL standards for a change! Now I have a guy who is awesome. :)
> All the articles I find online are about dealing with husbands who are angry AT the wife.
You should be looking for articles about dealing with abuse, not with anger. Your husband is abusing you.
He refuses to get help.
His anger causes you horrible anxiety. This is because your body is not stupid. Your body knows that angry men sometimes hurt women, even the women that they say that they love.
He breaks things in your presence.
He turns his anger toward you when you try to help.
Sometimes he chooses to drink too much.
You are depressed.
The only person trying to fix your marriage is you; he just gets angry when asked to make any changes.
You didn't only promise to stay with him until you die. A marriage is not about just living in a house with someone... that's a housing contract, which is different. A marriage is about promising to love someone when they are well and when they are sick, including mental illness. Loving them is not a warm-fuzzy-feeling; it means wanting what is best for them even when that is not the living arrangement that you had hoped for. When someone has Alzheimer's and their spouse cannot care for them properly anymore, then the two of them no longer live together because that is the best way to care for the one who is not well. When someone needs to be hospitalized for a little while in intensive care, that person and their spouse are not living together either, because that is the best way to care for the person who is not well.
What is best for a man who is abusing his wife?
Is it best for him for his wife to continue living with him until he crosses a line that (if he were well) he would not want to cross?
This is something that you have to think about for yourself. The US Catholic bishops website has some guidance that was helpful to me. I also read https://www.amazon.com/Verbally-Abusive-Relationship-Expanded-Third/dp/1440504636 (and cried a lot).
You have done everything you can for him that you can do while still in the same house with him.
Make sure that you are open and honest with your therapist about how your husband treats you. Do not make excuses for your husband when doing this or downplay it (I know there is a very strong impulse to); describe the behavior like it's happening to a girlfriend of yours and like you see it from the outside.
Habis baca buku ini dan ini terus mikir ternyata childhood gw mayan fucked up juga yha. Di satu sisi lega karena akhirnya pengalaman dan apa yang gw rasain selama ini tervalidasi, tapi sejujurnya di sisi lain kesel soalnya gw gak minta ada di dunia ini tapi kok ya gw juga yg kena emotional neglect. Kadang iri sama orang-orang yang keluarganya bisa jadi support system, sedangkan keluarga seringnya jadi trigger breakdown gw :(
It's fake. The author, Angela Confidential, doesn't exist and the book itself is "frequently bought" along with The Feminist Lie and The Manipulated Man, both of which are strongly anti feminist.
The real reason people doubt legit claims is because people like you have no problem believing bullshit propaganda and spreading it without looking into it too closely.
There were so many red flags in this situation that she missed. This was a wake up call and a valuable lesson for her; thank goodness she is okay.
I have a book to recommend that she read. I asked my kids (adults now) to read it when they were younger, and frankly, I can recommend it highly to anyone and everyone. It's called "The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals that Protect Us From Violence" by Gavin De Becker. The book teaches you how to identify even subtle signs of danger, and how to trust your gut instincts.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0440508835
The childhood indoctrination can be very strong, and deeply affect the paradigms that govern our perspective of the world. You are also struggling with a brain anomaly which can at times limit your ability to cope with these disturbing thoughts. You seem to be taking excellent care of yourself despite it though. If you are already seeing a mental health professional, make sure that they know your background in the JW Cult. All of these delusional beliefs you are experiencing are 100% commonplace among Jehovah's Witnesses, and you need to take care that your doctor understands this, so they do not misdiagnose you as having a relapse in your condition. You are struggling with the residual effects of the belief system, itself.
You seem very self aware of your condition. Here are some resources that might get your mind working on how to talk to your therapist about what you are experiencing:
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https://www.amazon.com/EXiting-JW-Cult-Handbook-Witnesses/dp/1508477132
https://journeyfree.org/rts/
https://www.babcp.com/Review/RTS-Trauma-from-Leaving-Religion.aspx
https://www.recoveringfromreligion.org/hotline-project-support/hotline-project-training/religious-trauma-syndrome/
https://www.salon.com/2014/11/01/the_sad_twisted_truth_about_conservative_christianitys_effect_on_the_mind_partner/
http://marlenewinell.net/religious-trauma-syndrome-its-
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Hang in there OP...
>I still don't know if he's hurting me on purpose or because he doesn't know better.
No, you are not crazy. This is textbook abusive behavior, including the way your family has been roped into supporting your abuser. I suggest you contact your local domestic violence shelter -- they may have therapy groups for women in your situation; if not they will be able to direct you to resources. Meanwhile, read ["Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft] (http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling-ebook/dp/B000Q9J0RO/ref=dp_kinw_strp_1). Recognizing what's going on is half of the battle. This book will make things clearer.
> So my question is, how do you safely leave an abuser? We thought she did everything right. And she still lost her life.
Not OP, but there is a book that answers this question that I found life changing. If you're interested in this subject, the book is called The Gift of Fear (non-affiliate Amazon link) and is written by Gavin deBecker, a survivor of childhood DV who now specializes in protective services.
His take on it is that the very best protective tool we all have is our own gut, how ignoring it has been trained out of adults (especially women), and how to get it back and use it to protect yourself.
He addresses your specific question at length and in great depth as well -- WHY leaving an abuser is the most dangerous part of DV -- and what can be done from all angles (personal, practical, financial, etc) to minimize that danger. The problem is that people who are trying to leave DV, especially without outside help, often don't recognize the point of leaving as being as dangerous as it truly is.
Whether you're a guy or a girl, this book may well change your life -- it did mine -- and cause you to look at these situations in a whole new way. I can't recommend it enough.
You need to read The Gift of Fear. It explains all about how we pick up subconscious clues that add up to those feelings. ENFP just happen to be really good at it. Plus, we're super curious about people so we ask a lot of questions and that can lead to answers that just don't quite jive. Add enough of those to the little things and we get bad vibes.
My girlfriend is a survivor of abuse. She recommends the book Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. I think you might get lot out of it.
I think a better question would be to ask "why does he do that".
Unless you've been in an abusive situation you won't really understand what goes on in a abused partners mind. There is so much manipulation and many different things that happen and cause the partner to stay. It has a lot to do with self worth- your self worth is beaten down and almost nonexistent.
I'm currently reading : "why does he do that" and it's written by a therapist who has spent his career speaking with abusive men or partners. It's really eye opening. Check it out.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0425191656?pc_redir=1406369631&amp;robot_redir=1
Jesus.
On top of lying, he's gaslighting you. That's really abusive and not okay. And then on top of that, when you call him out on it, he goes suicidal so that you have to switch into a caregiver position.
This person is manipulative and abusive. He knows exactly what he's doing and you deserve much better than this. Read 'Why Does He Do That?' as it's an excellent book or try out this You Are Not Crazy website.
I don't think you'll ever be able to win with this person because he's abusive. I think you should move forward by dumping him and finding someone who treats you better. <3
Posted this in my own comment, but good book on this is https://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Survival-Signals-Violence/dp/0440226198
I don't care if 99% of candied apples don't have razor blades in them; if there's a 1% chance I'll get one with a razor blade in them, then that's going to dictate my relationship with new candied apples. Making me feel guilty about the 99% of candied apples that are totally safe doesn't convince me.
Speaking as a man, if a woman is uncomfortable being alone with a man she doesn't know, then frankly I think she's being smart. I don't give a flying fuck about a good guy's hurt feelings. Rape and assault, unfortunately, are pretty common, and bad guys act like good guys as though it were their job. Let's act that way.
If a woman can't form friendly relationships with any men at all, then that is a different problem. However, if we're talking about strangers, then yeah. Listen to your gut and don't be alone with them.
By the way, along these lines, I would recommend a book called The Gift of Fear.
That's emotional blackmail girlfriend.
Read that link, and then read everything else on that site.
You were not leading him on. He was leading you on. He was leading you on with lies about cutting, with declarations you were his only friend, with manipulation, wheedling, whining, putting himself first before you, and all his other blackmailing antics.
Does he need help? Absolutely. Are you a trained adult mental health professional? Fuck no. Does he know that? Of course he did.
Like you said, he was a lying, manipulative, using jerk. He can be that and still be in need of mental health services. One of these things does not make the other any less true.
Good on you for blocking, getting out, telling friends, and telling your story here.
Needy, manipulative, users will use good people against themselves. That is not the good person's fault.
Get on Amazon, order this book, and read it cover to cover. As a good person and a girl, it can save your life. Even if your future is with other girls. It has saved mine.
Now that you have this experience, you have a set of warning signs and red flags to look for in the future. And you will not tolerate emotional blackmail ever again.
Yes, in fact, I have one coming up here at the end of March.
My class is a 4 hour crash course, so I teach primarily (edit) maiming techniques (eye gouging, biting, groin strikes, simple punching and kicking), but even more than the physical techniques the time is dominated by psychological tools such as
One of the the books we (myself and the other instructors I work with) highly recommend is the Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker.
Two things that I stress and I stress hard is that:
Hopefully, this helps, it's just a sample of all the information I go through. If you need more info about statistics and such let me know and I can give you more details regarding what I teach.
If dropping hints doesn't work then you need to work on being more assertive.
"Hey, I'm really busy and can't chat"
"Hey, I have a lot of work to do and these chats throw me off"
I think you can say these things with an friendly tone, but still be assertive.
Also don't ever be apologetic for having an uneasy feeling about someone. Trust your gut, it's signaling you for a reason.
eta: OP, to combat the other pretty ignorant post which implies that you are overreacting and would be "a massive dick" for saying anything... check out this book, called The Gift of Fear. There is a biological reason that certain people make you feel uncomfortable.
Pay no attention to them. Too often we don't we don't listen to our gut when it comes to situations like this. I recommend reading The Gift of Fear. Stay sexy, don't get murdered.
Good god, run.
And then read The gift of Fear
Trust your instincts/your gut. Being too careful one too many times is better than not being careful enough one time.
You might identify with the author of this book:
http://www.amazon.com/EXiting-JW-Cult-Handbook-Witnesses/dp/1508477132
If you check the book's preview, you'll notice that on page 6, chapter 2 (shown in the preview) the final straw for the author was a very similar comment made by a "member of the anointed class" who had been sent by her house to snap some sense into the author...
>Sister "Anointed": It looks like you are willing to sacrifice a lot of very important things, so that you can enjoy a life of worldly treasures and ease. But believe me it won't be easy when you have to watch your children die at Armageddon!
I love the author's response:
>(after taking a deep breath): Now, it's exactly that kind of not-so-subtle threat that raises all kinds of alarms for me about this organization. I think it's best if you leave now.
Probably my favorite book that was forced on me during school. It became one of my favorites, it's the book that inspired me to no longer just accept whats given to me, but to challenge it with my own thoughts. Going to read the two others, as I never knew they existed.
Spoiler from book, a fairly graphic one
I can't remember his name(I should read it again), but when he was at the Givers house he asked what happened to his brother. The Giver showed him a tape(This is kinda cloudy, may not have happened?) he found out that because he wasn't born perfect his brother was aborted and thrown away.
/spoiler
This is what made me realize that I need question what is socially accepted. I saw so much of the book that reflected on society and what we do just because it's what we think is good/right. This was quite the revelation for a 7th grader. In many ways this book caused me to gain free thought. It may have taken many years for that, or I could be like many and have remained a sheep. Nothing will work forever.
This book is now banned in the school district that I read it in :(. The Adventures of Tom Sawyer, Anne Frank were also banned.
Come on, kids these days are worse than ever... They don't need to be cuddled and kept under a secretly blanket. Reading about suffering, pure hate, racism, sexism, rape gave earlier generations shape and perceptive. I remember when I read a book called 'A Child Called it'. The book was a real life story inspired by "one of the most severe child abuse cases in California history". This Child parents, even his "innocent" father were human garbage. It made me realize that I should never complain or bitch about anything to my parents. I had great parents, they didn't deserve grief from me.
Yes. Read this https://www.amazon.com/Drama-Gifted-Child-Search-Revised/dp/0465016901
”When I used the word 'gifted' in the title, ... I simply meant all of us who have survived an abusive childhood thanks to an ability to adapt even to unspeakable cruelty by becoming numb…"
The mental health community is still doing a lot of work understanding the effects of trauma. The DSM V lists two subsets of PTSD: one for the very young, and one called the [dissociative type] (http://www.ptsd.va.gov/professional/PTSD-overview/Dissociative_Subtype_of_PTSD.asp) that is more common in adult survivors of child abuse. The distinctions are only important to ensure you get the right treatment program.
If you want to read more about the current medical understanding of trauma, [Judith Herman] (https://www.amazon.com/Trauma-Recovery-Aftermath-Violence-Political/dp/0465087302) and [Bessel van der Kolk] (https://www.amazon.com/Body-Keeps-Score-Healing-Trauma-ebook/dp/B00G3L1C2K/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1466798803&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=the+body+keeps+the+score+bessel+van+der+kolk) are the leading scholars.
You would think so, but it doesn't seem to be: https://www.amazon.com/How-Destroy-Man-Now-DAMN/dp/099982032X
How to Destroy A Man Now (DAMN): A Handbook https://www.amazon.com/dp/099982032X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_hvTCCb1CNY130
>I had a really bad feeling.
And you thankfully listened to it.
This book:
https://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Survival-Signals-Violence/dp/0440226198
>The Gift of Fear: And Other Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence
Says over and over again: trust your gut. It's tens of thousands of years of survival instinct.
Could it have been: van driver kind of sucks as a driver, and you knew that?
Or you know this group is too careless when together?
Something. When I read the title, I thought it would be people drank so much they ended up in the hospital.
You were right to trust your gut instinct, or your premonition, or whatever it was. Doesn't matter, you're not dead.
The fact that you have a bad felling about this, that says something to me. You may not feel you are as adept socially as others, but I believe everyone has survival instincts. Do not be afraid to be rude, if you are uncomfortable. So much violence against women happens because women are taught to be "nice." I would recommend Gavin de Becker's The Gift of Fear. He talks about this, because while it's important not to be afraid to be rude, it's also important not to live in paranoia.
It's probably a cultural thing which is more pronounced in asian families, It just isn't a good reason or a way of life and of course its hypocritical.
I can understand your apprehension to stand up to your parents. You know them your whole life and they brought you into the world - depending on how narcissistic they are they also have a way of holding it over you and guilt tripping you, by victimizing themself.
"how could you this to me" "I didn't raise you like that" yadda yadda.
however actions or lack thereof speak louder than words.
Parents are responsible for the upbringing and health of their Children this includes mental health. Neglect/ Emotional neglect has serious far reaching effects on People. Whats worse your Brother apparently has been recipient of the Support that you, too deserve. which makes the contrast all the more stark - You basically know that your Parents are capable of support and love, they just did not choose too in your case. for that matter I wouldn't be surprised If you are chronically Shy and have low self esteem.
So yeah, all your subjective reasons that lead you to make this thread are completely reasonable circumstances to reject the responsibility that your Parents have chosen for you, not you.
the fact that you want to become a nurse speaks for itself, I have no doubt that are driven by compassion - so don't let your Parents hold your "moral" hostage that they themselves did not abide by. You don't have an obligation to make excuses on their behalf, relationships between people are two way streets.
that is something that i would make clear. If they feel neglected by her daughter, you'd do well to point out how you felt in your times of need. This is the kind acknowledgement, that I'd insist they make If they want build trust - which they obviously never even started to build.
In this kind of parenting you also are not alone, and have no reason to feel uncertainties about. If you want to gain some additional perspective / Insight; I'd recommend Running on Empty from Jonnice Webb
The advice about a restraining order is spot on.
But this guy has lots of stuff going on, that indicates he may not GAF about silly things like a restraining order.
I'd be really careful when you're out and about and pay full attention to what's going on around you. When you're with your dog odds are you're fine, as this guy is not going to go near your dog. But if you drive to the local supermarket, park near the entrance, and don't decide to go at 2 AM for an ice cream run or something.
I worked on the streets of NYC for more than 30 years, including during the crack epidemic. I never felt like I was in imminent danger, but I also was really strict about paying attention to things. This book? He talks a great deal about how to keep yourself safe, and I think it may be worth a read.
And whatever happens, don't believe for one second that you can be friends or whatever with this guy. He's a serious mess, and if he steers clear of you after this, good. If not, like I said, pay attention to what's going on around you, and keep yourself safe.
And good boi you own there.
If physical tools of defense are not allowed, the only option for anyone, especially a physically small person, is mindset and awareness.
Learning how to talk to someone without escalating the situation is a valuable skill. Verbal Judo is a good book on the topic. ( A slightly different version - Verbal Judo )
Being able to recognize and process the sources of uneasiness and fear lets you react in a calm and planned manner instead of fear based panic. This is often enough to keep the potential Bad Thing^tm from happening at all. The Gift of Fear can help you recognize ways Bad People^tm try to manipulate 'nice' people into bad situations.
If/when he DOES move out, make sure you change all the locks throughout the apt, change the code if there's a code to get into the building, and tell your neighbors that you'd appreciate knowing if they see Ex-Roommate around the property.
The more people who know that he is potential trouble, the easier it will be for you to stay safe.
I would also recommend adding a peephole to the front door if possible. Install a small cover on the inside so it can't be used in reverse, and always check it if there's a knock/ring. If you don't see anyone on the other side of the door, don't open it, period.
And finally, I also also recommend grabbing a copy of The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. This book really helps you follow your intuition and gives a lot of tips to keep yourself safe without living in paranoia.
I would think that really important things to learn first would be proper situational awareness, and learning how to avoid things before they become problems, and learning how to run. I think a great cardio routine and the ability to put it in full gear with a sprint would be a great too. And then having the endurance to outrun your attacker. If you have to engage I think having a weapon on you (legal in your state) could even the odds, yet be sure you practice with that weapon and use it in a way where it can't be turned against you. Practice reaching for it too and pulling it out, and then be prepared to run afterwards. If you can't do that and somehow you still get taken into the fight then I would recommend BJJ, which will help you permit someone's bodyweight to go in the direction you want it to more and give you more of a fighting chance off the ground, and also Judo so you can help trip larger opponents (and then run). If you have to strike I would recommend something that has live sparring like boxing, kickboxing, or certain forms of karate, just so you get used to being hit and figure out the spacing needed for combat. Once you get used to that you'll be able to fight easier, and then run. And if you can practice going from one thing to the other, from striking to grappling. and vice-versa. Also learn to use your voice, and your posture, be assertive. Sometimes being direct but non-confrontational with people, (is there something I can do for you?) letting them know that you see them in a confident tone with direct but non threatening eye contact can let people know that you see them and maybe make them think twice.
I would recommend some books
Defensive Living: Preserving Your Personal Safety through Awareness, Attitude and Armed Action
The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals that Protect Us From Violence
Solo Training 2: The Martial Artist's Guide to Building the Core for Stronger, Faster, and More Effective Grappling, Kicking, and Punching (there are some great tips in here for the mental side of the game too, including tips for women)
Good luck with everything.
Also there's a great DVD set How to Defeat the Bigger Stronger Opponent with Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu
And Frank Shamrock has a good series on Defending the takedown Avoiding Takedown is Simple Part 1/3 (this one's on youtube Edit: Warning at some point there's some crackling in the right ear, be careful if you're on headphones)
Good luck!
> >1: fake MRA propaganda
> What if it's real?
just ran a quick search to see if it's real, and it's real
Not sure if links are okay in this subreddit, so feel free to remove the link if not. Here's the ISBN just in case links aren't okay
ISBN-13: 978-0999820322
ISBN-10: 099982032X
Edit: after looking into it further, it's apparent that this "book" is real, but not from a feminist source. As u/randomusernamehere2 points out, the name's a pseudonym, so we don't know where it comes from, but whoever wrote it did it to get a reaction. u/athelric's comment quotes specific passages in the book in his comment and points out they are full of MRA talking points , making it seem extremely likely the book came from an anonymous MRA source
Try reading this and see if you see anything familiar.
To understand why we all feel so messed up, take a look here:
http://www.exitingthejwcult.com/p/if-you-are-going-to-see-mental-health.html
Bonnie's book is a MUST-READ.
http://www.amazon.com/EXiting-JW-Cult-Handbook-Witnesses/dp/1508477132
This book will help:
https://www.amazon.com/EXiting-JW-Cult-Handbook-Witnesses/dp/1508477132
Steven Hassan former Moonie who is a therapist:
https://freedomofmind.com/the-bite-model-and-jehovahs-witnesses/
Check Bonnie's books:
https://www.amazon.com/Bonnie-Zieman/e/B00XROE7JG
especially:
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1508477132/
and:
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1546894683/
I see it has been several hours now since this incident occurred. I hope that you have been able to make progress with the Police, and maybe make some phone calls to close family or friends. If you haven't done so yet, I encourage you today or tomorrow to call at least 1 person who is going to be your unconditional supporter and tell them what happened. It sounds like you have been very isolated recently, and whatever happens after this, I want you to reach out to that person who is going to be your teammate and cheerleader as you recover and plan for the future of your family.
The next thing I would say is to take his threats very seriously. It is good that you have written down some of the threats he made to you. If you are still in contact with the police, I would make a list of the threats he made and send it to the officer working on your case. Emphasize that you are afraid for the safety of multiple people - yourself, your child, and possibly other friends or family members who may try to protect you. Ask about the process of having a restraining order placed on him. Do you have a family member or friend you can stay with for a few days? Or who can come and stay with you? Look into changing the locks. If he tries to contact you, do not answer unless you have a police officer nearby.
Lastly, I want to leave two book recommendations that you may want to read over the next few weeks or months. The first is Why Does He Do That?. The second is The Gift of Fear. I hope you may be able to take the time to read these books and that they may provide some outside perspective for you.
> The most confusing thing about my mom is she goes back and forth. She will abuse me and then act like she did nothing and say she loves me. I’m just going to start listing the things she does because there are so many.
This is not only common as Vaadwaur said, but also exactly the intention. If she only did bad things, you'd start to seriously dislike her to the point where you'd fight back or flee. As she varies with bad stuff and good stuff the victim gets confused, and can't decide to escape. I think the book Why does he do that? had some bits of conversation with abusive men who did explain their strategy to some point in the book. It went somehow like this: 1. Beat the wife. 2. Apologize profusely claiming that you didn't want to do that but she had made him. 3. Be nice, take her out, be kind and loving. 4. Start over. And all that was intentional to break the victim's spirit.
/u/alwaysconfused64 's mother seems to know very well what she's doing, too. The book I mentioned above sells for maybe 8-9 dollars in second hand, and while I find it kind of semi-sexistic in the sense that it portrays only abusive men and victim women, it does have its points.
Very true. Here's a link to purchase ($14) for those who can: https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656
Char is an an emotionally abusive relationship that's only going to escalate further into other forms of abuse. I'm afraid if she doesn't want to get out, you guys can't help her.
Dick is using the textbook tactic of isolating her from her friends. He didn't have an issue with your ads, he was looking for something to as a stepping stone to isolate someone who loves Char and is looking out for her happiness(in this case, you).
Try to reach out and let Char know you love her and are always willing to help out. It was a great idea to spend that much on wedding gifts. Dick might stop trying to get her away from you and that means Char can still come to you if she needs help. I'm not sure from the info here if you should tell her she's in an abusive relationship directly—you guys were raised by traditional families and Char might get a knee jerk defensive reaction if you tell her her husband is abusive.
I'd suggest you try and read Why Does He Do That? : https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656
> that sort of maybe falls under the definition of rape
Excuse me? This is not a grey area. If the woman does not consent (she was asleep, she obviously didn't consent!), then it is rape. It really is that simple.
> where the women never even called it rape themselves
Most rape victims don't call it rape. There is an interesting book that deals with this subject called, you won't believe it, I never called it rape.
> and hadn't brought the rape charges themselves, and as far as I can tell don't really care to persue them either.
Irrelevant. If someone steals your purse and tries to kill you and you only go to the police because you want your purse back, that person will of course be charged with attempted murder even if you don't care to pursue those charges.
Hi. I'm allosexual and male, and don't experience the world the way that you do, so, while I don't think it is possible to "become more asexual", I do think that this is a pattern of thought that you can change, if it isn't serving you.
The thought pattern, as I'd identify it, is that you have "sex" as a goal in a way that is objectifying to women, and your mind has developed a bit of an obsessive/compulsive nature to it.
Let's see, some specific suggestions:
Good luck.
I've read some of this book to understand the abusive relationships I've been it. It's all about control. These men claim they can't stop but it's calculated. It is not rage, it's manipulation to the nth degree. Abusive men like to keep women off balance and insecure. It's beyond as messed up as I've thought it was.
I highly recommend the book The Gift of Fear. https://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Survival-Signals-Violence/dp/0440226198
Like everyone else has said, please trust your gut. You are doing the right thing. Better that your MIL hates you than your kids for not protecting them.
I think you CAN detect them, at least sometimes. I do. There are certain characteristics that my "spidey senses" pick up on that I feel in my gut.
I'd suggest the book [The Gift of Fear: And Other Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence](http:// https://www.amazon.com/dp/0440226198/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_eiY3Db87WATP1)
Wow your sister has like, problems & stuff.
For yourself I have a book suggestion: [The Gift of Fear] (http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0440226198) by Gavin de Becker. You may have to start treating the people in your life as though they are dangerous - even if not physically.
There's no way to win when you're dealing with people like this. The only long term solution is to reduce contact, preferably down to zero. They'll pitch bitch fits while you're doing this, and they'll try to draw upon the programming they taught you - self-sacrifice and family loyalty, etc.
At this point, whatever you've invested in your family and what ever they've invested in you is a sunk cost. It's done, it's over, move on. Your bills are your bills, etc, lock down your credit accounts in case they start coming after you fraudulently.
Your sister though. Well I think you got two options here...
Everyone involved needs to go no-contact with this beast. Every time you communicate with him you are fueling his fire by giving him the attention that he desires.
A lot of people here recommend the book The Gift of Fear. I just read it. Good stuff.
That mod must have been mistaken then. The ref= in Amazon links often confuse people because they assume that ref means referral but Amazon affiliate links have tag={insertcodehere}-20 in them. Also, watch out for people who use short links, they're often doing that to hide an affiliate link. If you have any doubt, strip a link back to just after the product number. So in the case of the link posted above, you'd strip it back to https://www.amazon.com/Other-Survival-Signals-Protect-Violence/dp/0440508835/
That's a plain, direct link with no tags whatsoever.
There's a book called "The Gift of Fear" that has some detailed stories of how people will act instinctively in dangerous situations and how important it is to trust those survival instincts. Sounds like what you experienced. Very good book: Gift of Fear
(I'm almost 8 months post d day) Focus on you. I spent an ungodly amount of money to do something to my hair that I always wanted to do but never had the guts. I went to the beach with my mom for Memorial Day weekend - just the two of us (it was lovely!). I joined a meetup group in my city for "nerdy girls" and we meet twice a month to do crafts. I'm spending more time with my gal pals. I'm reading more - both for fun and for help. A few I recommend are: Sue Johnson's Hold Me Tight, Jonice Webb's Running on Empty (if childhood neglect applies to you), pretty much anything by Brene Brown, any of Esther Perel's videos on Youtube, and the Affair Recovery website (sign up for their emails - it can be really helpful to be feeling some kind of way and boom there's an email in your inbox about just that thing - kind of uncanny really).
40 here. Same place as you. feel exhausted by life. I'm considering going back to therapy. I recently read Running on Empty, a book about childhood emotional neglect which has reeeaallly connected a lot of dots for me. I highly recommend it. My hope is that armed with this information I can make more headway into positive changes, but I feel likeI need a therapist to direct me. At this point I've nothing left to lose by trying even if it is a lot of effort.
I highly recommend The Gift of Fear by Gavin deBecker.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0036Z9U2A/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&amp;btkr=1
Have you read "The Gift of Fear"?
Good book. Pick up a copy if you can.
Listen to your instincts. If you feel uncomfortable or that something was off, it's okay. Our subconscious brains can pick up on little bits of information (facial microexpressions, body language, etc) that we don't consciously notice and if something is off you'll get a bad feeling.
I'm not saying you should call the police or start posting signs all over the neighborhood.
I am saying that there's nothing wrong with making sure to keep your distance from people who make you uncomfortable.
Quit second guessing yourself. :)
>I know I wouldn't have permission.
A grown woman doesn't need permission. And a good partner says to his SO, "Hey honey, you should go! Don't worry, I got the kid. Go have fun!" And they mean it when they say it.
>He doesn't ever hit me
Sweetheart, he doesn't get brownie points for basic human decency. But I get this. I remember this line of thought, "Well, he's a jerk sometimes, but he doesn't hit me." Until he did. Until I ended up in the ER with a busted rib and lying to the nurses that it was an accident, that we were just playing. He hasn't hit you yet, but chances are that he will. He is escalating, and you are in danger.
>he doesn't raise his voice unless I try to talk to him, but he will ignore me for days on end if I do something unfavorable to him.
I hate this man so much. He has you absolutely convinced this is your fault. It is NOT YOUR FAULT.
>I did it all wrong.
No, you didn't. He did. He does. And those wonderful moments that you live for are the bait that he uses to keep you there as his personal footrest.
I recommended some books for you last time you where here. Did you get a chance to read any of them? If not, please get Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men and read it. You can find it on Amazon that I've linked to, and your local public library might have it as well. Read it, it is your life. I know, I've lived your life.
Please look at this as well. You are being abused. Only you have the power break the cycle and save yourself and your son.
>No amount of exercise or skill training would give me a physical advantage to a man, and this terrifies me.
You're absolutely right, this is a terrifying realization. I can think of two male comedians who've made jokes about this sentiment. Louis CK had a bit where he expressed his astonishment that women are able to trust men at all - "Maybe this one will be nice and not kill me....". I actually could tell that it took some empathy to to make a joke like that. Then there's Joe Rogan, who had a bit where he forced everyone into his moment of realization, during which he was surrounded by extremely in-shape, aggressive male fighters, and proclaims to the audience (essentially) "OMG u guise if one of these men wanted to they could come in here and rape all of us, and not one of you could do a thing about it." That same "joke" would hold true whether it was Joe Rogan:MMA Fighter or Women:Men.
The reason I'm referencing humor that's been directed at this is to illustrate that: it's absurd, it's unfortunate, difficult to cope with, and not everyone understands it. In my opinion it's easier for those men to make jokes like that because, for example, MMA-fighter-on-Joe-Rogan rapes and attacks are not exactly common. Whereas in the forefront of my head (for a long time) where personal experiences AND statistics which were painful reminders that male-on-female attacks are MUCH too common for comfort, and that made me a paranoiac.
I don't have too much advice to give, except that I think part of what may help to cope with this is to realize that any average person can bring you harm in one way or another whether or not they have a desire to do so. Someone recklessly driving on the road, texting and driving, can run you over or cause a huge accident. And someone with bad intentions, man or woman, if they truly want to hurt you, physically or otherwise, will find their methods.
I know that thinking of all the evil and hurt that is possible will only keep me locked in a cage of fear. It's difficult to fight against it, especially when there are seemingly so many things to trigger my fears, even "hilarious" male comics' jokes. It's never completely out of my mind. But like you, I saw a glimpse of the jaded, cynical, afraid person I could become (and was becoming) and made a decision to try and counsel myself in those moments where those thoughts abounded. I started trusting people (namely, men), and saw that those men that had hurt me were not the norm.
Please don't let fear rule your life. I haven't read this book, but I've heard good things about it: The Gift of Fear. I agree with the tagline, that there is a balance that must be met with "true" fear and "unwarranted" fear. Frankly I feel like I need to read it.
Saying that you're "too sensitive" is a clear sign of a verbal abuser.
If he cared about you, he would defend you in front of his friends, not embarrass you.
You deserve better. Your SO should build you up and make you feel good about yourself.
I stayed married to my abusive husband for 21 years, always thinking that things would get better. They didn't, and the constant verbal abuse wore away at me, until I was a very broken person.
I highly recommend this book. It will validate your experiences, and hopefully, give you the courage to stand up for yourself, which probably means getting out of this relationship.
Good luck. PM me any time if you need support.
You are in a verbally abusive relationship, or you were. My (female) fiance's ex of 10 years matches that description. He is using your guilt to control you. I think this is the book she read that made her realize this. Please take some time to research "verbally abusive relationships". PM me if needed and I can ask her opinion.
Unfriend and pick up this book, [The Gift of Fear.] (http://www.amazon.com/Other-Survival-Signals-Protect-Violence/dp/0440508835/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1347214875&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=gift+of+fear). Learn how to protect yourself and set boundaries.
> if you didn't do what you were told, you got a smack.
Hugs I think you're a brave parent for facing your fear and asking for help!
From your background, it sounds like you grew up in a very unstable household. Our childhood does affect how we parent, no matter how much we want to deny or prevent it from happening. But if you are determined, you can stop the cycle. I'd get counseling as soon as possible. Also, if you can take a look at this book: Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman, see if you have the symptoms described. If so, you need a counselor experienced in complex-trauma, very important! You don't need to be severely injured to be traumatized. Daily fear is already traumatizing for a child.
This book also helps: [The Whole Brain Child] (http://www.amazon.com/Whole-Brain-Child-revolutionary-strategies-developing-ebook/dp/B004J4X32U) by Daniel Siegel
So I don't have a quick solution for you. (lots of good suggestions by others here already) And there will be a lot of hard work ahead of you. But it is worth it. Work on yourself and everything else will follow.
Source: my own experience
I can relate to that. The author of the following book agrees with your view. Abusive parents shouldn't just be forgiven.
"Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life"
http://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553284347
Lol this book is for removing men from power for misconduct, not creating fake problems to frame them with. What a troll.
https://www.amazon.com/How-Destroy-Man-Now-DAMN/dp/099982032X#immersive-view_1551082379934
I am so sorry for what you had to endure. That is terrible.
I am really sorry to tell you this, but you were molested. I'm not sure where you are in coming to terms with that, but this writing makes it very clear. And in your mind, it may be "when there's nothing sexual here", but to a reader, it seems highly sexual. Molestation and sexual abuse perpetrated by women often show women using enema's as a form of abuse based on how receiving an enema has similarities to anal sex. And, if there was nothing sexual, you would not have had to be stripped. Biting a child, or a teen, there may be some gray area of your mom not knowing what she was doing or not understanding the harm she caused, but the enema stuff shows she knew it was wrong, and did it anyway. I am so sorry.
As a social worker for several years, I can say the confusion you are going through is totally normal. Talking about it at all takes a lot of courage.
I'd suggest seeing a therapist, or calling a hotline. If talking about it feels like too much at this point, maybe I can suggest a book? Check out "The courage to heal" by Helen Bass. It helped me, and I recommend it to my clients often. You can buy it on amazon. https://www.amazon.com/Courage-Heal-Survivors-Sexual-Anniversary/dp/0061284335/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_14_img_0?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=63C109BZN8PZYHFD8GVT
It might benefit you to stop talking to him, to be honest. Evidently, he wasn't good boyfriend material, and it doesn't sound like he's any better at being a friend, or even a sane acquaintance.
Not to sound like an advertisement, but The Gift of Fear may be useful here.
And definitely keep a paper trail.
Maybe she has a mental illness, maybe she grew up in an abusive home. Whatever the reason, horrible as it might sound, you can't help her, and trying to fix someone is frequently a great way to get trapped in an abusive relationship. It's aimed at women trying to understand abusive men, but you might want to check out Why Does He Do That. And maybe The Gift of Fear while you're at it.
Better overreacting and safe than underreacting and hurt, right? There is this amazing, essential book called The Gift of Fear that would tell you that you did the exact right thing.
Follow this advice, OP. I also suggest you read Gavin de Becker's The Gift of Fear.
If you haven't already, read The Gift of Fear. The author talks about not ignoring those subconscious messages we get when our brains detect danger.
The Gift of Fear is a great book that talks about exactly this! People, especially women have been conditioned from childhood that politeness trumps personal comfort/interests. This is such a good book for all women, I even got the one for parents so hopefully I can teach my kids that it's more important to be safe than polite.
Why Does He Do That? is a great book exploring this very question. The short answer is that they do it because they believe they have the right to. Abusers see themselves as victims. When they blame their victims for the abuse - e.g., "Look what YOU made me do/If you had done [X] I wouldn't have to get angry/You're lucky to have me because no one else would put up with your shit/etc." - they're not just saying that; it's what they actually believe.
Try a rock concert. You'll feel the same euphoria, no wonder it's considered evil. Also might try r/frission. Or just a video game soundtrack, those work the same way.
Problem with your feelings is not that nobody else felt them, but that we can recreate them without the religion, even with just drugs. And there's also the problem where we know for certain, that religious events are carefully organized, using well known methods, same as any worldly event, to induce those feelings. Much like Moses with the snake, religion's tricks can be recreated by worldly means. It's just carefully applied psychology.
Speaking of psychology. Try reading Why Does He Do That, it has zero mention of religion, but it might give you some insight into how it works, and why people here reacted so angrily at your (for all you knew) innocent questions.
This might be something you should read. It explains a lot about control in a relationship.
No. U/Ignex's perspective is not right. If a parent broke their child's computer in a fit of rage we'd see the parent as emotionally abusive.
You should read this: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B000Q9J0RO/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&amp;btkr=1
One of the best explanations of why its part of a pattern of abuse to break someone's stuff is in here:
When he gets mad and breaks something, is it yours or is it his? If his emotions were really just out of control he'd break his things as well.
If he says he's sorry, do you still end up cleaning up what he broke? Do you end up paying for the replacement? If he were really sorry, he'd clean up.
By breaking your things, he frightens you. That's what he gets out of it.
Really, the best thing to do is just break up with him. You can do much better,really.
I've had friends who were with the same kind of guy and it always ended badly for them. Most of them ended up being physically abused,all the marriages ended in divorce.
Anyway,here is a book on the subject:
Inside the minds of angry controlling men.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000Q9J0RO/ref=pd_lpo_k2_dp_sr_2?pf_rd_p=486539851&amp;pf_rd_s=lpo-top-stripe-1&amp;pf_rd_t=201&amp;pf_rd_i=0425191656&amp;pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&amp;pf_rd_r=0TCTH6CRFXNZZKXNX610
You're well shut of this guy. Rushing into a proposal like that, without ever having discussed it with you before, in public with all the parents there to pressure you into accepting? Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. Good for you! There were more graceful ways you could have declined, but you weren't prepared for this giant leap and were honest. You did fine, and his reaction has shown you that your decision was the correct one.
Now, take care of yourself. Be alert for signs of unstable behavior on his part and keep yourself safe. The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker is a good read for anyone, and I'd say a doubly good read for someone in your shoes.
You were raped by your husband and everyone around you is gaslighting you. Please seek therapy from a NON-RELIGIOUS therapist, and consider abortion. This marriage is not going to be healthy, there's no fixing this. Do you want to be tied to your rapist for the rest of your life?
Some books you might want to read:
Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men Kindle Edition
https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling-ebook/dp/B000Q9J0RO/
When I Say No, I Feel Guilty
https://www.amazon.com/When-Say-Feel-Guilty-Systematic-ebook/dp/B004IK8Q22
+1. Replying likely wouldn't have worked. There's an interesting book that touches on this subject. It is called THE GIFT OF FEAR. It is kind of about stalkers but also talks about communication strategies for dealing with infatuated people. TL;DR: any response is bad. OP handled it by the book. At least this book: The Gift of Fear https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0036Z9U2A/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_rlyFyb4VDAJRP
This guy is bad news. You did absolutely nothing wrong and this guy is showing all the behaviours of someone with serious issues. The sudden freak out, the long texts, CONTACTING A FRIEND? For your own safety and well being you should stay away from him. He will most likely try to suck you back in. Don't fall for it.
And yes, saying he wants to meet your family and talking about Christmas gifts on the third date? Huge red flag. Your initial instincts were dead on. You should trust those instincts more. Have you ever read Gavin de Becker's The Gift of Fear? If not I recommend it.
https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656
Were you seriously suggesting that this is fake? Amazon
You should note there is a chance this will not be the end of their relationship. People in this situation often require several attempts at breaking up before its final although id they've only been together 4 month that might not be the case.
I've just read this book:
The Verbally Abusive Relationship
I highly recommend you pick up a copy for your sister. It details the scope of verbal abuse (ALWAYS a precursor to violent abuse) and will empower her with the ability to detect the slightest hints of these behaviours in future relationships and call it out immediately.
In fact all people would benefit reading it. Verbal abuse is rife in our society.
"Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft and "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans are both fantastic reads.
The reality is your feelings about being controlled are all true - you're stuck in a cult, your parents & close friends are controlling, your partner is abusive - but your thought about having no control is false, you have just been conditioned and broken-down so you are like a bird in a cage with the door wide open.
The next time you see your counsellor ask them to read this [linked document](
https://bonniezieman.com/downloads/) about providing therapy to exjws. You will not be able to free yourself until you are strong enough within yourself to do so. Learning about healthy relationship dynamics and boundary setting is very important if you come from an abusive background. It may be the case your situation is beyond the counsellor's skill level to handle and you may need therapy instead.
Other resources for you:
"Exiting the JW Cult - A Healing Handbook" - Bonnie Zieman
https://www.youtube.com/user/KatiMorton - not a substitute for therapy but her videos are very informative.
This is a great book to teach concrete skills in this sort of awareness and self-protection:
The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals that Protect Us From Violence
Mental health services are supposed to help. But sometimes psychiatric professionals cause damage by denting the credibility of individuals, a legacy which can last a lifetime. This is a particular problem for women who have experienced trauma, and get placed into what many see as the dustbin diagnosis of 'Borderline Personality Disorder'. The relatively new notion of 'Epistemic Injustice' may help us understand why.
Epistemic Injustice, a concept developed by philosopher Miranda Fricker, is when wrong is done to someone in their capacity as a knower. A subtype - Testimonial Injustice - refers to how the levels of credibility we give one another can be inflated or deflated owing to prejudices about groups which swirl in the social atmosphere. These prejudices can be overt and pre-emptive, for example excluding patients from meetings where their care is being discussed, thus cementing the skewed power dynamic between professional and patient. Or they may be more subtle. For example, if a patient discloses a piece of their personal history as potentially significant, a clinician may appear empathic but offer no follow-up question, or send out cues like picking up notes to block further conversation. Some of these responses are to do with the ever increasing lack of time in the NHS for meaningful connection. But most are to do with unconscious negative prejudices about particular groups.
No group in mental health is subject to as much prejudice as those given a diagnosis of 'Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder' or 'Borderline Personality Disorder' (BPD). 'BPD' is storied as a syndrome characterised by experiences such as fear of abandonment, extreme mood lability, an unstable sense of self, and self-harm. Women - for it is 75% women - with this diagnosis are labelled as 'manipulative' and 'attention seeking'. This kind of language use, which would be seen as pejorative elsewhere, situates professionals as knowing something about the complicated nature of personality disturbance attributed to such women; it boosts membership of the in-group 'professional'. But these hermeneutical claims just do not fit the evidence. 'BPD' is so dubious a category scientifically that it was almost dumped from the latest version of the biggest international diagnostic bible. It clusters women who dissent, who disobey, who resist together, as if these reactions were signs of pathology rather than spirit against the odds.
Yet 'BPD' as a category remains, serving as a kind of shorthand between professionals that there is something difficult about someone, that this particular patient might produce strong feelings like rage or desire in the clinician, that a distance needs to be kept. Staff who like women with this diagnosis are seen as procuring 'splitting' between team members, and are forced themselves to toe the line of being equally distant to show professional competence. A&E staff, reading this label in notes, take suicide attempts less seriously. GP receptionists act with hostility, the prejudice against women with 'BPD' being that they are time-wasting yet again for attention, undeserving somehow. These reactions imply connecting with women with this diagnosis is what Fricker calls an 'ethically bad affective investment'. These deny women the kind of relationships that could help heal. This discursive disenfranchisement kills.
Testimonial Injustice works subtly but powerfully here. Abuse histories are acknowledged on the surface, but the pathologisation of understandable emotional sequelae, and a treatment focus on controlling emotions in the present, rather than foregrounding the testimony of survivors, reinforces the abuser's attacks on survivors' epistemic subjectivity ('noone will believe you', 'it's your fault for seducing me'). Category inclusion undermines the fundamental right to speak and be heard.
These credibility slurs are experienced viscerally by survivors. Many people report, for example, a sudden shift to kindness, understanding and empathy after a change of diagnosis from 'BPD' to 'Bipolar Affective Disorders'. Self-harm and suicide attempts are suddenly reacted to with compassion and care. By contrast, those who cannot get their diagnosis changed feel branded for life.
We must campaign to get rid of the diagnosis of 'BPD'. But we must not simply create a new label - Chronic PTSD - for the same prejudices will slide on to it. To really change the negative stereotypes, we need a new language, a new social understanding of why and how people end up in deep distress, and how contact with psychiatric services can damage.
Fricker offers a pertinent example. In the 1960s, society did not recognise sexual harassment, so the behaviour of harassers was typically tolerated or even excused. As a result, women were victimised because the wider social context did not label such behaviours as sexual harassment. Indeed such women were seen as troublemakers until they had a chance to meet together, to forge a new language that would come to give a discursive platform for other women to speak from.
We need a similar consciousness-raising, language-generating process in mental health. One where professionals step back from imposing understanding, imposing labelling, and wait to be led by frameworks that develop from survivors.
We need, in doing this, to acknowledge the historical wrongs done to survivors in the mental health system, wrongs that continue today. We need to do this in acknowledgment that professionals have often squashed survivor initiatives into a shape services recognise, and further pathologised those who object. We need to do this, urgently, ethically, to redress the silencing of survivors, a testimonial injustice the psychiatric professions have inadvertantly colluded with.
If you would like to share your experiences or opinion, please tweet using the hashtag #TraumaNotPD
WELL DONE FOR GETTING THE JOB! And WELL DONE for making it through the first days: a new job is always difficult as you adjust, but you have more adjustment than 'normal'. Remember: you're doing brilliantly! You've come through addiction & escaped the sex trade: give yourself the credit you deserve.
I was in an abusive realtionship for about 6 years. Escaped. Into another one where I nearly got killed. Never got any help. Mental health services don't really focus on trauma in the UK. They want to talk about my patterns of behaviour in relationships instead of healing the wounds. I'm done talking about how I feel, I want to fix myself & be able to have a life, instead of this half life I now have.
I can't afford private therapy, & there's virtually no local MH provision on the NHS. I spoke to a psychologist who's a feminist & specialises in trauma focused care - she reccomended the following 3 texts to help me:
8 Keys to Safe Trauma Recovery (Rothschild, 2010)
Trauma and Recovery (Herman, 2015)
Complex PTSD (Walker, 2013)
They might be useful for you too?
Take care of yourself - you deserve it.
Hey you, I'm sorry to hear you're going through such a tough time.
I'm sure your husband will understand an be super-supportive if you talk to him about this and I think talking to him about it and seeing how accepting he is will relieve some of the guilt you're feeling.
The violent death of someone close to you is often a traumatic experience and you can have some symptoms of PTSD associated with that. This book helped save my sanity when I was going through something similar:
Trauma & Recovery
In spite of the title it's not at all dry and is rather spiritually soothing.
For what it's worth from a stranger on the internet, I send you my love.
good luck.
Yep. Must read Terminated, company is saying I cannot sue and, perhaps, Should read How to Destroy A Man Now (DAMN): A Handbook
I’m so sorry that he treated you this way. You didn’t deserve it, no one does.
My therapist recommended that I read this book to understand more about the abuse that my person dished out and the particular tactics that she used to control me. If you Google it, you can find free copies to download.
I hope you’re able to find peace and healing.
Your daughter does not need and will not benefit from a father who abuses her mother. She will instead learn that it's OK for men to harm women, that her home is not safe, that her parents are untrustworthy (because her father is dangerous and you didn't get her out of a dangerous situation) and will probably wind up abused herself (people who abuse spouses often don't stop there). For your and your daughter's sake, YOU NEED TO GET OUT.
Also, he is absolutely using suicide as a manipulation tactic. It's a classic abuser tactic - lots of them do it because they don't care about your feelings, they just care about how your feelings let them manipulate you.
Some resources:
https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656
http://www.thehotline.org/
http://www.dvrc-or.org/safety-planning/
If you ever want to know more there's also Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry Controlling Men.
Money should be the icing on an already tasty cake in a sugar relationship, not a shock collar to control and abuse. I think you might benefit from this book more than op, don't get angry now ; )
https://www.amazon.ca/Does-Inside-Minds-Angry-Controlling/dp/0425191656
http://www.amazon.com/The-Gift-Fear-Gavin-Becker/dp/0440226198
Stop right there!
I am being absolutely serious when I say this. You need to get the book "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker and read it cover to cover immediately. The author runs a company in Hollywood protecting celebrities from crazed fans. This book is essentially a how-to guide to protect yourself from workplace shootings, stalkers, and other dangerous individuals. And don't give me that "I am sure it is nothing" line. If there is even a one percent of one percent of one percent chance this could turn into something dangerous, you NEED to be informed.
I am not joking.
I already see four maybe five warning signs just in the little you have posted so far. You have to inform yourself on recognizing behaviors. If this somehow does escalate, you may have only hours or minutes to recognize what is going on and prepare for it. Coming back to Reddit and waiting for an answer simply wont be fast enough. You have to have that knowledge in your head.
Heck man. Send me your amazon wishlist account through private message and I will buy the book for you. Express overnight shipping on me.
Gavin de Becker writes about these concepts in his books.
Protecting the Gift:
The Gift of Fear:
I agree that taking action and creating a paper trail is a great idea. However, please keep one thing in mind.
For the truly obsessed stalkers, the legitimately crazy ones, often a restraining order will actually escalate their craziness. I read a great book called The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker [(here's the link of you want it)] (http://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Gavin-Becker/dp/0440226198), and one thing he gives many examples of is stalkers escalating after someone takes out a restraining order. He explains it better than I could, but essentially the reason for this is that the restraining order recognizes him, and by recognizing him in a sense it legitimizes his contact. Mr. de Becker believes that the best way to take care of a stalker is to completely cut them out of your life. Refuse to interact with them on any level whatsoever. He says that after a few months of this the stalker will usually move on, unfortunately often to another target, but sometimes not.
A bit of consolation: it's only a tiny subset of stalkers that are potentially violent. Just going by statistics your sister is probably safe. Of course, the chance remains that he is potentially violent, and since it is a possibility it's up to you as her brother, and the rest of your family, to keep her safe.
Basically, don't take any chances, but don't panic either. Good luck to you guys.
Every response usually helps to prolong the period of contact, since it can indicate to the person that they still have your attention and may make them feel like they have control over the situation in that they can force you to acknowledge them. Ignoring them may escalate the situation in that they will show up to confront you in person. In my situation, I had to move. I was somehow considered the rude one since I didn't bend over backwards to acknowledge someone who ignored my request to be left alone, and there was no proof of a physical threat so I couldn't file a restraining order in my particular state. Keep a record of everything and please stay safe. I walked with my phone in hand to quickly speed dial family or friends when he showed up on my commute home after work. Call the police when he shows up where you live or work so they have an established record of his behavior, even if they can't arrest him or prevent him from approaching you. It might also be helpful to read "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker if this blows up even further; there is an entire section concerning stalkers and individuals who can't take "no" as an answer. I wish you the best!
Do not meet or communicate with her; that will only tell her that if she wants contact with you, all she has to do is pester you for X number of days.
It just reinforces her toxic behavior.
Get yourself a copy of Gavin De Becker’s “The Gift of Fear: And Other Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence”.
> Idk what came over me at that moment but I ran, ran outside the apartment
No. You do know what came over you. You had the gift of fear. You were in immediate danger of a violent threat and took action to protect yourself from it.
amazon.ca/Gift-Fear-Survival-Signals-Violence/dp/0440226198
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There you go.
There's a book called The Gift of Fear, which I often see recommended. It teaches you how to listen to your own instincts and overcome the social conditioning women get to "make nice" rather than "be rude" even to predators.
I hope this helps you. Good luck to you!
> if he refuses then I guess that's a pretty good clue he was gonna kill me.
Honestly? Any murderer worth his salt will accept the first invite because it's standard procedure.
Do trust your gut. There's a book called The Gift of Fear that's all about intuition and how nuanced social interactions help us pick out people with different social motivations. The trouble is that we sometimes dismiss those signs because we don't have a good vocabulary for them, or think they're weird feelings.
I recently had a close brush with an honest-to-goodness murderer and trusted my gut, found out after the fact who the guy was (he was caught and arrested a week after our interaction), and I'm SO FUCKING GLAD I went with the bold call-to-action rather than just passively tolerating his behaviors.
In no particular order:
The Gift of Fear
Meditations on Violence
Facing Violence
Verbal Judo
Surviving Armed Assaults
On Combat
The Little Black Book of Violence
Street E & E
I could probably come up with 10 more if I looked through my library.
Whichever system you decide on, the tactics in these books will be important. Reading them before choosing a school will help you know what to look for. Sadly, some self-defense school will teach things that are either not practical, or will have devastating legal consequences for you (like how to take a knife away from someone, then use it on them).
First: You NEED to read "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker: https://smile.amazon.com/Other-Survival-Signals-Protect-Violence/dp/0440508835/
Second: There are so many red flags here. Listen to your instincts. There is no reason to do anything more than to tell him that you are not interested in him and to stop contacting you. If he respects you he will apologize and leave you alone. Anything else is just reinforcement that this guy is bad news. Don't try to let him down easy, don't try to be polite. Be firm and direct.
It's time to unfriend and block him on Facebook and entirely STOP responding to any messages he sends you.
> Posting this made me confident enough to approach this and get it handled. Honestly, it's made me feel crazy and paranoid...
Your stalker is the crazy one.
(((hugs))) I'm sorry you have to deal with this crap.
And this is the book I mentioned in another reply
http://www.amazon.com/The-Gift-Fear-Gavin-Becker/dp/0440226198
From what you've said above, you went with your instincts, and your instincts were right. You may not have had the language to articulate what was happening, but you could feel something was and you could acted on it when it made you uncomfortable. That is a life-saving reaction.
In case you've never heard of it, let me recommend a book called "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker. He is a security expert, and he travels to schools and colleges now talking especially to girls. He explains when and why to trust your instinct and how to keep yourself safe from predators. It's really eye-opening stuff, and much of it is very simple, we just need to hear it explained to recognise a lot of situations we've all been in.
This is a link to the book on Amazon, and it has a "Look Inside" option.
And this is a link to his website.
I recommend this to all women, especially young women, it can literally save lives. Frankly I'd be more comfortable getting this kind of information from a woman, but this is a very rare man, and I trust his advice a lot. If you get something from it, talk to your friends about it, we need to spread this kind of education widely.
Good luck. And bless that 13-y-o girl still inside you—she kept you safe, even when she didn't fully understand what was happening. That's praise-worthy.
I'm going to give you a reading list. He gives some good tips on what to look for and how to speak up for yourself.
Eg. if a man is walking toward you or insists on helping you carry your grocery bags, the author tells you what to do and how to set your boundaries. A normal man will listen to those boundaries, a predator will keep insisting.
If you notice someone stalking you, you can also ask a security guard or an employee to walk you to your car.
You can also partner up with another woman/mother with kids. safety in numbers.
If it was me I would probably tell him off, but that assertiveness is a skill it can take some time to acquire and feel comfortable using.
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https://www.amazon.ca/Gift-Fear-Survival-Signals-Violence/dp/0440226198
https://www.amazon.ca/Protecting-Gift-Keeping-Children-Teenagers/dp/0440509009/ref=pd_bxgy_14_3/134-2609707-8269027?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=0440509009&pd_rd_r=e328d520-7aa4-11e9-985f-5d3a71b469ca&pd_rd_w=IbjEI&pd_rd_wg=v5Doq&pf_rd_p=a62e2918-d998-4bbb-8337-35aac776e851&pf_rd_r=2N8KEQ6YVFF8C8ZAH5BS&psc=1&refRID=2N8KEQ6YVFF8C8ZAH5BS
Get some counseling. And read this: https://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Survival-Signals-Violence/dp/0440226198. I hope it helps you to differentiate what merits your attention.
Have you ever read Gavin Becker's The Gift of Fear? (http://www.amazon.com/The-Gift-Fear-Gavin-Becker/dp/0440226198) It is seriously one of the most helpful books I've ever read. It helped me break out of the "I can't let anyone think I'm a bitch/I can't lose weight or men will find me attractive" traps that I was in.
You have no obligation to be nice to people who aren't giving you the respect that you deserve. You don't have to be socialized to be nice to people who are disrespecting you. It's okay to assert yourself and your own needs. Don't worry about being a bitch.
I was mugged at my doorstep a few years ago. I feel the same way as you do, often -- that I can't go out without being harassed unless I have my husband or a male friend around. And it sucks so completely. When I go out, I keep my bitchface in my pocket in case it's necessary. I also always have something to keep me occupied -- iPod, book, whatever -- so that I have the socially acceptable excuse of "sorry, I need to do this right now." I keep a guard up around strangers, which sucks: I'm a harder person when I'm out than when I'm with my friends. But it's what I do to maintain my reasonable boundaries -- the space I need for my own personal well-being and safety -- in the outside world.
Hugs and good luck: this world was not made for us, so we've got to go remake it, one person at a time.
Obligatory link to Gift of Fear. I know this isn't directly related to the question you're asking, but it could really help you in future situations to learn to trust your gut and protect yourself against predators, which Mike definitely is.
You need to get treatment for your anxiety. In healthy people, “trusting your gut” can be very helpful (especially for women and children) There is a book called The Gift of Fear that is amazing. It talks about learning to distinguish the instincts you should trust from the noise. We are frequently socialized to disregard when someone is making us uneasy, we need to pay attention to that feeling.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0440508835/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_OwtJBbTTJNGM0
Does she like to read? I often recommend "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker. It's kind of a life changer, and lays out how to better protect yourself in a no nonsense, very clear way.
You could offer her a copy, say you thought she might like to read it since she's going to be out on her own now, and use the date rape thing as an example of why. That way, the date rape thing sneaks in while you're giving her the book, and then the advice is coming from the book, not you. If that makes sense.
>I heard Machala say that his faith in Trump didn’t falter after the release of the Access Hollywood tape, which shows Trump making misogynist comments about women.
>I was so upset, I had to run out of the room to calm myself down. After a few minutes of deep breaths, I realized that he felt as strongly about his beliefs as I do about mine and I should respect him.
This is very frustrating to read. A young girl was clearly given "The Gift of Fear;" reacted strongly to a 22 year old man right in front of her defending sexual predatory behavior and assault; got physically sick from it - as she should have - and then rationalized it away.
She does not "have to respect him," because him saying that to the class clearly shows that he doesn't respect her.
>and title 9 needs to be addressed to keep this shit from happening so often
This problem goes well beyond higher education. Look how many men are having their careers destroyed simply because a woman wants to have her 15 minutes of fame? Or to remove him from the path of her ambitions? Or get back at him because “he looked at me in a way that upset me”?
The root of the problem is that, for women, the false accusation is a consequence-free tool of male socioeconomic destruction. There is quite literally little to no blowback to any woman for filing a false accusation, and done under the right circumstances (a male colleague occupying a position she wants to be promoted to, etc.) she can have everything to gain. It is only been in the last few months where a miniscule minority of the most egregious false accusation offenders have been handed incarceration sentences that are almost laughably short by male standards.
There is a very real reason why the Pence Rule has acquired a sudden and very significant surge in popularity…
Congratulations! This is a big step forward for you and it is what you deserve out of life. Well done!
As someone who has been through something similar, I have an idea of what you are looking at, and I am with you. To move forward, it is worthwhile to understand the effects of abuse in the brain. The simple fact is that being in an abusive relationship had an impact on your brain and brain development, especially as a young person. The effects of verbal abuse on the brain are the same as physical abuse.
At the end of my abuse I was literally like a punch drunk boxer, staggering around the ring not knowing what year it was. There was like a fog over my perceptions, emotions, and decision making that kept me from living my life. This was partly due the damage being done by the abuse, but also a mechanism that my brain used to protect me from more. The fog still manifests itself as an inability to take action, especially ones that I know will benefit me. One part of my brain knows what to do, and another seems to not allow me to do it. I consider this an 'echo' of the abuse, and it diminishes over time (but hasn't gone away). I do struggle to take care of myself in basic ways at times. Sometimes it is hard for me to get out of bed.
The big thing to understand is that you have been through a physical trauma, and it will take your brain time to recover. You need to give yourself the time and the emotional space to do that. It might seem like other people are moving forward with their life and you are standing still. However, you need time to have your brain return to normal. I left my relationship three years ago and I am just now starting to feel emotionally whole every day. It is easier today, but it till a while for it to get there.
Over time you will find it easier to take action and make decisions. It just takes time and patience, which is really hard right now. Just love yourself and trust yourself to get better. This is going to be a season of learning and introspection, take the time to learn about who you are, where you are, and what you need to thrive. Once you have a better handle on this, action is a little less scary.
Don't force things, especially by jumping into another relationship. You are uniquely vulnerable right now and could very easily fall into the hands of another abuser. They really do prey on vulnerable people, and it is all too easy to fall into the hands of someone who promises to make it all go away. You don't owe anything to anyone, except to yourself.
HINT: this won't go away until you are heathy and know yourself well enough to make good decisions. You will just start establishing a pattern.
I would most strongly recommend looking into anything by Patricia Evans. Her book The Verbally Abusive Relationship helped me to get a language around what had happened to me and Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out helped me understand I was not alone. If you can't afford these, check at your library or PM me and I will buy you a copy.
Counseling and therapy were invaluable for me as well.
Anonymously send her a copy of the book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans It was sent to me and was a real eye opener. It made me realize that it wasn't all my fault and that his behavior was 'textbook' abuse.
My abusive partner did escalate to hitting. But frankly, that was a relief. I know that doesn't sound like it makes sense, but hitting was something that other people would understand. Hitting made the situation clear and easy to define as abuse.
And... hitting is just physical. I find it really hard to explain to most people, but I would take a solid beating (especially with the actual apology and honeymoon period that would follow) any day of the week over someone trying to reach into my head and verbally convince me that I'm worthless again. The verbal and emotional aspects were absolutely the worst parts for me. Bruises heal in a week, but it's been three years and I still stammer when I speak, because I was trained so thoroughly to expect that I'd be interrupted and berated for choosing the wrong word (or speaking at all).
What helped me the most, especially at the beginning of being free from him, was thinking of myself as injured. If your leg was broken, your doctor would inform you that you'll experience pain and immobility, and itching under the cast, so you wouldn't blame yourself somehow for feeling those things or refusing to take the cast off. The emotional symptoms you're feeling now are no different. Read everything you can on the psychological damage that you may be dealing with, and try to get that information from your therapist as well, so you can be informed enough to say to yourself "that's a normal thing to feel while I'm healing." It does get better. You just gotta give yourself time.
I didn't have access to therapy, so these were the most helpful things for me:
The Verbally Abusive Relationship - Evans
The Emotionally Abused Woman - Engel
http://www.drirene.com/verbalabuse.php
I know this is satire but this is the type of fucked up person that learns to identify as "it."
https://www.amazon.com/Child-Called-Childs-Courage-Survive/dp/1558743669
It's part of a book series by Dave Pelzer written about his own experience with a horrifically abusive mother. It's very tough to read, but a really eye-opening story.
https://www.amazon.com/Child-Called-Childs-Courage-Survive/dp/1558743669
> thing to do is to "let it go" and "look at the bright side"
That is never advice for someone after trauma. Anyone who tells you to 'just get over it' has no idea what trauma is like or how the brain responds to it. As a friend of mine once said, "the only way out, is through." Recovery is a difficult and long process, but I promise to you that you will recover.
> Even counselling isn't helping much as there isn't really any way to get back at him and that is what I want
'Getting back' and healing are two separate things and those two things will never intersect. You will not heal through revenge. I support your pursuit of justice, but I also know, through experience and through the many other survivors I know (and have grown with), that the justice system is more re-traumatizing than helpful. This is going to sound cliche AF but sometimes the best revenge is just reemerging from this as the strongest, best, most happy version of yourself. I know that sounds whack right now. I know the idea of feeling happy and safe again feels laughable right now, but it is possible. I think the first time I truly learned to love myself was maybe 3 years after my rape. My rape recovery taught me a lot about myself. I don't owe my rape any of that hard work, I did all that in spite of being raped, but I can say that I grew.
Have you tried group therapy? That was critical for me. Recovering with people going through similar things...it made me feel so supported and loved and valid, feelings I couldn't get from the friends and family I confided in.
I also don't recommend this sub for this type of discussion because it is constantly being trolled by ill-meaning people. r/rapecounseling is an amazing place and well moderated as is r/rape.
I'm linking here two writings from survivors that got me through some awful moments - they may help you too:
https://thoughtcatalog.com/velouria-black/2017/10/i-will-no-longer-let-you-invalidate-my-rape/
https://thoughtcatalog.com/cj-hale/2013/06/12-things-no-one-told-me-about-sex-after-rape/
https://www.amazon.com/Rape-Recovery-Handbook-Step-Step/dp/1572243376
I am here for you. Anytime. I'm on year 4 of my recovery. I am so grateful to the people who made themselves available to me to talk throughout my recovery. Writing also helped me. I have maybe over 50 pages of advice I've collected over the years, and am happy to share.
<3 I am wishing you the best. You are not alone in this. Rape will teach you first how cruel the world is and second it will teach you just how beautiful and loving it can be, because slowly, but surely, you will see so real beauty in the people who help you now, in the people who stand up for you now, and in yourself as you fight for yourself, fight to love yourself, like never before.
Take care of yourself, love.
My parents weren't good parents either. I know what it's like to not have a roll model in a parent. I've been reading this book, and I've learned a LOT from it. I wish I'd had it when I was your age. I'll buy it for you if you like, if you make an amazon wishlist and put it on there I can buy it for you as a gift and they'll send it to you. You have your whole life ahead of you, truly, soon you'll be able to put this in your past and make up for what you didn't get growing up.
I highly recommend reading [this book] (https://www.amazon.com/Running-Empty-Overcome-Childhood-Emotional/dp/161448242X/?tag=psychcentral) and giving it to her to read as well. Another redditer recomended it to me and now my life makes sense for the first time. How we learn or don't learn emotional intelligence is something that's not talked about, but it's a very real issue for a lot of people.
Hey dude.
I can relate quite a bit.
I have the attention span of a gnat on cocaine, so I can definitely relate to the overall tone of your post.
I am going to give you a different perspective than all the other commenters...
Here are my initial impressions:
1.) I am guessing your job is not 100% predictable and there's a decent amount of unpredictability in the day to day activities? That's probably why you are doing fine in that role. Also, since you also run the risk of losing your paycheck (i.e: loss aversion) if you don't perform provides you with a decent incentive to keep showing up and producing results.
2.) Regarding your difficulty of learning and motivation: This provides more evidence about your ADD tendencies. It's not that you are not motivated or don't want to learn, it's just that your brain is wired to chase shiny objects. If you are not stimulated in conversation, work, or any other task at hand - no matter how important others deem it to be, you simply TUNE OUT.
3.) Based on everything you've said thus far, I am going to put forth the following theory:
You grew up in a very dysfunctional / precarious family environment and your relationship with your parents aren't the best. If anything, this was certainly the case in the first few years after you were born. ADD/ADHD is not a disorder, rather, it is a phenotype.
Actually, it's more accurate to say attunement deficit disorder than attention deficit disorder because one of the biggest factors of it is from your mother not giving you proper attention as a baby.
I am also going to guess that you have underdeveloped emotional circuitry as a result of emotional neglect as a child.
This is all related to ADD/ADHD. The area of your brain (pre-frontal cortex and orbitofrontal cortex) that deals with emotional regulation is heavily underdeveloped.
How do I know all of this shit? Because I've spent a decent amount of time trying to understand my own characteristics and it sounds quite similar to yours.
To confirm these theories, I highly recommend that you read or listen to the audiobook version(s) of these books:
..Especially Running on Empty by Jonice Webb.
Here's why: Unlike physical or sexual abuse, it is extremely difficult and subtle to know if you've been emotionally neglected as a child. The reason is that the former is an event that happened (i.e: my dad spanked me) and the latter is an event that didn't happen.
Since you have no reference or experience of what emotional assurance feels like, you don't know if you've been neglected emotionally as a child AFTER you are an adult.
Rather, the symptoms show up as being distracted, ADD, depression, alienation, loneliness etc..
Take this test and if any of the above books confirm my theories, look into the work of Alice Miller and listen to everything she says.
With that said, DON'T GIVE INTO THE UNREALISTIC PRESSURE OF WANTING TO BE AN ENTREPRENEUR.
Because, in the grand scheme of things, it's not a big deal. Not only that, when you read /r/Entrepreneur and see a 23-year-old making half a million dollars from a business he started 6-months ago, you are going to feel even shittier if you are so attached to being an entrepreneur.
Remember:
On and on....
Take care of your mental health first.
And remember, ADD or being distracted is NOT a disorder, it's a phenotype. (or as I like to call it: Multifocus) -- What you need to do is figure out how to use your tendencies to your benefit and design your life around it.
We have sensationalized the idea of being an Entrepreneur so much so that, all we hear about are successes (i.e: Survivorship bias).
What no one talks about is the psychological toll and the number of suicides that happen as a result of the unrealistic (self-imposed) pressure of wanting to succeed as an Entrepreneur. For example, Austen Heinz was running an incredibly successful startup and abruptly killed himself.
Your happiness and sense of self should be 100% derived from within.
The moment you start basing that on external factors, you are likely going to go down the wrong road.
RELAX.
You got plenty of time.
This ain't a sprint.
sending you a massive internet-hug!
This book unscrambled my brain and helped me get out: https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling-ebook/dp/B000Q9J0RO/ref=la_B001HCTX76_1_1?s=books&amp;amp;ie=UTF8&amp;amp;qid=1495755976&amp;amp;sr=1-1
I promised myself I would get this book into the hands of any other badass chicks who needed it...so if it sounds valuable, but money is an issue, PM me and i will buy it for you, no questions asked. Please take me up on it if you need it. Be strong and kind to yourself!
PS - yes, that feeling is normal and you articulated it beautifully. Weird, huh?! It's like trying to logic while drugged...like doing algebra while on cold medicine or something. Like there's a smart, certain part of your brain that's reaching for something...but it's slippery and just a teeeensy bit out of reach. If you stop talking to him for even a few days, you'll feel your brain start to detox. you'll start to come out of the fog quickly and suddenly. It’s like waking up and it's so reassuring and infuriating ar the same time.
You are in danger. Get out ASAP.
"The Gift of Fear"
IMMEDIATELY read a book called The Gift of Fear
Not kidding. Get it and read it ASAP.
"Reasonable" notice means some notice. Not none. The only way they can go in with NO notice is for an emergency, like a burst pipe or a fire or something. Talk to the landlord; explain that you're not comfortable with the changes in how maintenance is accessing your apartment; you want a roster of everyone who is allowed to access your apartment; and you want at least 24 hours notice for any routine repairs (along with exactly who to expect). Also, check your lease... it probably specifies how much notice they are supposed to give and in what circumstances they can enter without notice. Insist they abide by that provision.
Don't dismiss the "vibe" you're getting from your new neighbor. You don't know what's triggering that but it's not just noise. Read The Gift of Fear and you will have a whole lot more confidence in asserting your own security.
See if you can meet any of your other neighbors. Not knowing anyone is awkward. You don't have to become best buds, but so that you know their name and which unit they live in (and so you can get a sense of whether this person seems like someone you can trust).
I've only lived alone for less than a year, and was living in the same apartment building as my fiance at the time, so as for the other stuff, I've never done it but never been in the same situation. I would be less concerned about valuables, though, and more about personal safety.
I'm recommending a book for you to read. It helped me immensely through a very similar situation a long time ago.
I Never Called It Rape
Then you don't understand sexual abuse. Because it's not about sex.
Try reading these:
https://www.amazon.com/Allies-Healing-Person-Sexually-Abused/dp/0060968834/ref=pd_sim_14_2/139-5807525-0898809?_encoding=UTF8&amp;pd_rd_i=0060968834&amp;pd_rd_r=4ed473f4-3886-11e9-bebf-15ead0be056d&amp;pd_rd_w=rVP00&amp;pd_rd_wg=M8qjl&amp;pf_rd_p=90485860-83e9-4fd9-b838-b28a9b7fda30&amp;pf_rd_r=R2E3M0FJZDWF3Q2D88D5&amp;psc=1&amp;refRID=R2E3M0FJZDWF3Q2D88D5
https://www.amazon.com/Victims-No-Longer-Classic-Recovering/dp/006053026X
https://www.amazon.com/Leaping-Upon-Mountains-Proclaiming-Victory/dp/155643345X
https://www.amazon.com/Courage-Heal-Survivors-Sexual-Anniversary/dp/0061284335
https://www.amazon.com/Sexual-Healing-Journey-Guide-Survivors/dp/0062130730/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_14_t_1?_encoding=UTF8&amp;psc=1&amp;refRID=YN4YXWX6258K7EBPPMX4
I'm so sorry you endured that :( your family let you down immensely. you're not alone with that kind of trauma though. I was sexually abused during the same ages as you.
you should definitely see a therapist- get one that says they're explicitly "trauma-informed" . A big part of CPTSD is feeling like you're unworthy of care. But you need a pro to help you because this is diffficult. You can become your best self for your family and I think your husband would agree that's not a waste or an inconvenience. :)
Another thing is to start accepting that your dad will never understand or change or admit he did wrong. You know him the best obviously so maybe I'm wrong, but if he's like other malignant narcissists, you'll just keep hurting yourself if you try to get validation from him. its more helpful to focus on processing feelings and fixing unhealthy behaviors than on trying to get an abuser to repent or acknowledge what they did. not gonna happen.
💚💚💚💚
also here's a big book on recovering from childhood sexual abuse for women that's helped me a lot.
Read this book, and keep it hidden from him
https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656
if he is a narcissist by the way no counseling in the world is going to have an affect. Especially if he is malignant. Silent treatments are a sign of emotional abuse and the manipulation too.
Buying the guns worry me too. Also the suicide thing is disturbing too. Please do not leave in a way that he knows or tell him you are leaving. This is a guy you need to start hiding the money and planning a way to vanish without him knowing it, like when he is at work. That is some advice Lundy gives. I can see him beating you or hurting you if you tried to leave. Religion to be frank to this guy is just a control mechanism over you, to guilt you. He may not even really believe in it himself, it is about CONTROL and the church systems back up the support and control of the little women. When my marriage had trouble around 10 years qgo--he lost his career and we were under severe economic pressures, the churches treated me like utter shit. we were near splitting up, we were able to get counseling, and have things work out, but in my case there was freedom of belief and 15 years of otherwise happy marriage, the marriage survived and grew stronger. I am not sure you have much to work with here. If he doesn't respect your beliefs and who you are, that is missing a core foundation.
This sounds scarily close to what my best friend was married to. Putdowns and insults (both public and private), locked in his office gaming most of the day, low self-esteem translating to "everyone else is a dumbass."
It finally ended with him waving a gun around in a drunken rage, with their 5-year-old son in his bedroom hearing everything and being scared that "Daddy was going to kill me and Mommy."
Get the fuck out of there now.
Edit: Read "Why Does He Do That?" and possibly "The Emotionally Abused Woman." You need to understand that pretty much every abused woman has made the same excuses for her partner that you do. What he's doing is not okay.
The book " why does he do that" is really good and can help you to not fall for the manipulations. it also gives clear guidance on how to avoid and get out of those relationships
http://www.amazon.ca/Does-Inside-Minds-Angry-Controlling/dp/0425191656
You might refer her to Lundy Bancroft's site -- lots of resources for mothers dealing with fathers looking for custody for the wrong reasons -- and his book. If her parenting has been good and her ex is really out for revenge -- and a man who ignores his kid for years and then deludes himself into thinking he should suddenly start doing loads of parenting is usually a dick -- they may be helpful.
If "says he'd never been interested until now, that he was an absent father" is accurate -- that makes things rather different than "a child with two parents, ideally with both of them loving that child, and it's about providing a stable home." My daughter is 9, hasn't seen her father since she was 4 and they were generally not happy visits, and I was very fortunate in court; he had screwed up enough and demonstrably enough that she's protected from him later trying to decide he's a "father." Which he is not. If there was the option for him to make a bid for custody now, and he did, my kid would be terrified, and I can't tell you what a strung-out mess I'd be. This is a guy who was abusive towards both of us and who chooses to be a deadbeat. The potential for forgiveness is long gone.
> Why on earth would you NOT want a father who tries to fight for access to their child?
Where was he up until now...? Parents, real parents, do not get to pick and choose when they are and are not going to be active in their child's life. It causes a lot of damage to the child if you're a 'parent' who buggers off for a spell, and if you're the parent left parenting solo with the traumatised child, it does, to me, make sense to stop viewing the abandon-er as a parental figure. The only good thing my ex has done for my child in the last five years is to leave us alone.
Perhaps there are unique and exceptional extenuating circumstances here, but from what can be packed into a reddit post, I'm on you're friend's side.
Whooooa, whoa whoa. Your partner is abusive. Like, full stop. Abusive.
A) gaslighting, B) controlling your body, C) intentionally setting limits on who/what/how you can be.
A non-abusive partner does not have control over what medicine you take, how you cut your hair, what you wear. It's not a right to do any of that. Yes, a healthy relationship involves talking with the other partner, but a partner has a right to voice their concerns so that a consensus can be reached -- it doesn't involve dictating what the other can or can't do.
A non-abusive partner doesn't tell you what YOU'RE feeling. You are the person feeling it. Not them.
A non-abusive partner doesn't make ultimatums, and they certainly don't do it in such a manipulative way. Your partner knows exactly what he's doing, and it's pretty fucked up.
Unfortunately, there is no good answer for this other than a) talk to a therapist if you're not already. b) start planning an escape. I'm serious about that. a controlling partner means you're at risk for violence and coercion when you try to leave.
Please take me seriously on that. You owe an abusive partner NOTHING. You do not need to tell him that you're leaving. You do not need to tell him that you want to end the relationship. Please get out of your relationship. And be careful.
PS this is a good resource: https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656 / http://www.escapeabuse.com/?p=83 (excerpts from the book).
Nonononono that is him being emotionally abusive, not you. That is a textbook example. You are doing normal, social things and he's trying to isolate you from other people who could support you should your relationship with him go south. Everything you're saying in this thread sounds like stuff an emotional abuser would say to you. You're the one who's really emotionally abusive? He's given up his dreams for you? If you leave him he'll have nothing? This is 100% the standard type of thing that an emotionally abusive partner says. It is not you. It's him.
He is probably a good person in some ways and I'm sure has done many positive things for you. I know you love him and that's totally valid. But this is classic emotional abuse. Please talk to someone, maybe a counselor at your school's health center? Make an appointment and just tell them what you've told us. Don't tell him about it, just make the appointment during normal working hours and go by and talk to a professional in person, I also highly recommend the book Why Does He Do That? which is one of the clearest explanations of abusive behavior in a romantic partner I've ever read. Also do not keep that at home where he can see it. I'm really pretty scared for you, please be careful.
Read "Why Does He Do That?" It will help you gain LOTS of insight on abusive men like your ex, and help you spot the red flags in the future.
https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656
> such a thing as gut instinct
I think the book The Gift Of Fear goes over this.
Guy here. I feel you, i hear this kind of stuff from many girls who confide in me and you're right, it's astonishing how often women get harassed. My best advice for you when someone touches your ass again is to make a scene, and firmly respond decline any advances you're uncomfortable with. this book (I'm not a marketer i swear)https://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Gavin-Becker/dp/0440226198 helps identify people who mean to gain something from you or seek you out only for sexual interest. You're less likely to be targeted if you're firm with your disapproval and awareness of someone's bad intentions
There's a great book called "The Gift of Fear" that explains in depth how our instincts work and the various ways our subconscious tries to warn us about things (not just impending violence, but general stuff that makes us feel uneasy or weird and our logical brain can't parse why). It's quite fascinating.
Be as strict as you feel like. Trust your gut. If someone is pushing you into more contact than you think is appropriate, tell them to stop. It doesn't matter who it is or how many/few things they do before they reach it. You're the best at knowing when something isn't right.
I'd recommend reading The Gift of Fear to help you learn to trust your instincts. It's wonderful for de-programming the "girls must always be nice no matter what" mentality out of you.
Np, unfortunately most therapists are not very educated about complex trauma, so I would advice you to do some research and see if you get along well before picking one (if you have the opportunity). Same guy has an article about finding a therapist, which could be helpful.
Yes, it's very validating seeing how your past and current problems are all interconnected. Makes you feel less of a freak. I'm posting some book recommendations in case you would like to know more. Just reading one of them will help you a long way in understanding why you are the way you are:
Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker
The Drama of the Gifted Child by Alice Miller
Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors by Janina Fisher
First off, I'd like to state that this place gives people a) freedom of speech to express stories, ideas and fantasies that are covered constitutionally ^although ^this ^site ^is ^privately ^owned. b) A safe environment for people with all kinds of urges and desires to be free to indulge safely. Which if we're being honest, is nearly impossible with societies inability to entertain objective concepts about minors and sexuality. Or in this case, just adults with other adults.
That being said...
The post is several years old but it does state specifically, "Today we are adding another rule: No suggestive or sexual content featuring minors." Which is the only part in bold and the post was edited in the last 24 hours. That description is vague enough to cover pretty much any story here if they wanted to be Draconian.
For those who aren't aware, reddit and the people who run it, are infamous for censoring content and communities for PC reasons. This is no shock to me. I was honestly surprised to find this place when I did on reddit.
I created another sub focused more on incest, but I encourage ageplay there as well, so maybe join us there if that's your thing? You'll be welcomed with open arms and legs!
/r/IncestPenPals
Since I'm just in the mood to write, I'll add that I'm also working on another sub /r/Verified_PenPals which is going to be pretty much what it sounds like. A nice, private gated community with only access given to those who have been verified by /r/VerifiedPenPals and other trusted sources. I hope in creating a community like this not only will the content quality be higher, but hopefully so will interaction and replies since you know you're speaking to someone with the genitals you like.
TL;DR Yes it's bullshit but it's probably going to happen knowing reddit.
^^Edit: ^^Punctuation
Have you heard about complex PTSD? It’s a relatively new diagnosis, and it is not yet in the DSM.
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It is slowly becoming clear in the literature that many, many women who were previously diagnosed with borderline personality disorder actually have complex PTSD from spending years growing up in abusive environments. Very interesting stuff.
>
If you are interested check out Judith Hermon’s work, especially “Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence—From Domestic Abuse to Political Terror”
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0465061710/ref=cm_sw_r_sms_c_api_i_mmJoDbNWX2J7V
Well, you obviously know there's something amiss here. You need to establish boundaries and be direct with your parents about what you will and will not accept from them. They will protest, guilt trip, and become angry with you for pushing them back, but you need to remain strong and do what's best for you.
You don't have to deal with them if you don't want to. There are no rules to life that say you must talk or deal with your abusive parents.
A book you might want to check out: http://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553284347
Your older sister has the right idea. Limited contact, and firm boundaries. Hold your ground, and make sure they know you are an adult and you don't have to clean up their messes.
Oh wow, please stick up for yourself and don't go through with this just because your parents guilt you into it.
I saw this linked in another thread today; it may help you understand what you're going through with your parents. Or it may not, but either way I'm really sorry you have to go through this and I wish I could help.
I think the biggest thing I want to stress first is that you should be very careful with the way you tell her she needs therapy. You can encourage her by saying things like "Talking to someone with experience with these types of situations will help." etc, but don't say things like "You need help.'' I have a past that took a lot of years of therapy to overcome, but I worked through it because I wanted to, not because people told me I should.
The next thing I can tell you is this isn't going to be a fast or easy fix, you need to make sure you're willing to stick with her through the good and bad. Therapy basically makes you relive past traumatic experiences so that you have the opportunity to work through the unresolved issues from what has happened. Unfortunately some days, going through it again is harder on you than when it actually happened.
Lastly, therapy mixed with this book saved my life. I think she would find it very helpful and comforting. Although she may have a healthy relationship with her dad now, that doesn't mean that the feelings she's repressed over the years about him don't exist anymore.
http://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553284347
Good luck, and good on you for not running out when she let down her walls for you.
looks pretty real to me
The five star reviews are an interesting read.
Been loving the responses so far! My own preferences have been changing, and I've been reading a lot more non-fiction than I used to. It has really opened the doors to a lot of books I would not have considered reading before!
On my reading list:
The Unthinkable by Amanda Ripley - this is what I'm almost finished with now. It has been a really insightful read on how little prepared society is for disasters, and the steps we should take to help fix that.
The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker - I've seen this mentioned on reddit a few times and it's in the same vein as the book I'm currently reading.
Full Dark, No Stars by Stephen King
The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog by Bruce D. Perry
The Lean Startup by Eric Ries - I'm currently working in the startup industry, and have read similar books to this.
The Hard Thing About Hard Things by Ben Horowitz - same as the book above. This is currently going around my office right now so I should be reading it soon!
The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk M.D. - this was recommended to me by a friend when he learned I was reading The Unthinkable and The Gift of Fear. Honestly really looking forward to reading this one!
On Killing: The Psychological Cost of Learning to Kill in War and Society
Books I'd recommend:
Blink by Malcom Gladwell - all about the subconscious mind and the clues we pick up without realizing it. Pretty sure reading this book has helped me out in weird situations.
Elon Musk: Tesla, SpaceX, and the Quest for a Fantastic Future by Ashlee Vance - amazing read about how Elon Musk works and the person he is.
The Circle by Dave Eggers - just don't watch the movie :)
It is an actual physiological response that's meant to keep us safe. The Gift of Fear is a good book on the subject.
Parents are responsible for their childrens behavior. This could be a blind spot preventing you from holding your own parents accountable. If you can't emotionally understand this you wont logically understand this following argument.
If a parent needs to get their children to do something or not to do something out of fear of punishment then it's not a relationship. It's dictatorship and you'll never get respect or compliance from your children when you act like you know what's best for them - and this is the reason why abuse escalates.
It's the parents responsibility to teach their children right and wrong by talking and listening to them, helping them understand, and ultimately modelling that behaviour themselves.
Before you have children, it's important to work on yourself because everything you experienced as a child from abusive parents thats lingering in your unconscious will come to the surface when you have your own children.
It seems you area already projecting some of this by thinking experimentation like smoking in the room or lying about homework is bad. Wouldn't it be better to foster a relationship where your children can you tell they tried a cigarette or don't want to do their homework? That way you can actually be involved in their lives.
If you raise your children correctly I wouldn't worry about most bad activities because you'll give them the skills to know better. The science shows that addictions, victim of bullying and peer pressure are all caused by child abuse and an unstable home. If you want to know more about this look up Gabor Mate (I have more resources).
Actually as children get older they become easier to parent when you raise them peacefully and being involved because you have built up a relationship.
Here are books I'd recommend:
Why Love Matters: How Affection Shapes a Baby's Brain
http://www.amazon.com/Why-Love-Matters-Affection-Shapes/dp/1583918175
The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self http://www.amazon.com/Drama-Gifted-Child-Search-Revised/dp/0465016901
The Truth Will Set You Free: Overcoming Emotional Blindness and Finding Your True Adult Self http://www.amazon.com/Truth-Will-Set-You-Free/dp/0465045855[2]
For Your Own Good: Hidden Cruelty in Child-Rearing and the Roots of Violence http://www.amazon.com/Your-Own-Good-Child-Rearing-Violence/dp/0374522693[3]
Stefan Molyneux: Real-Time Relationships: The Logic of Love http://www.freedomainradio.com/free/books/FDR_3_PDF_Real_Time_Relationships.pdf
On Truth: The Tyranny of Illusion http://board.freedomainradio.com/blogs/freedomain/archive/2008/09/11/book-on-truth-the-tyranny-of-illusion.aspx
Between Parent and Child: The Bestselling Classic That Revolutionized Parent-Child Communication http://www.amazon.com/Between-Parent-Child-Revolutionized-Communication/dp/0609809881
Playful Parenting http://www.amazon.com/Playful-Parenting-Lawrence-J-Cohen/dp/0345442865
Unconditional Parenting http://www.amazon.com/Unconditional-Parenting-Moving-Rewards-Punishments/dp/0743487486
Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves http://www.naomialdort.com/book.html
Parent Effectiveness Training http://www.amazon.com/Parent-Effectiveness-Training-Responsible-Children/dp/0609806939
The Philosophical Baby: What Children's Minds Tell Us About Truth, Love, and the Meaning of Life http://www.amazon.com/Philosophical-Baby-Childrens-Minds-Meaning/dp/0374231966
What's Going on in There? : How the Brain and Mind Develop in the First Five Years of Life http://www.amazon.com/Whats-Going-There-Brain-Develop/dp/0553378252
Becoming the Kind Father: A Son's Journey http://www.amazon.com/Becoming-Kind-Father-Sons-Journey/dp/0865715823
Connection Parenting http://connectionparenting.com/connection-parenting-book.html
The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self https://www.amazon.com/Drama-Gifted-Child-Search-Revised/dp/0465016901
I don't remember the specific papers I read. It was long ago. But this book seems to cover the same material: https://www.amazon.com/Trauma-Myth-Sexual-Children-Aftermath/dp/0465022111/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1540070380&sr=8-1&keywords=The+Trauma+Myth
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Hope that helps.
I'm working on it. Therapy once a week, and I'm struggling to finish a degree that I've been working on for a while. Whenever I do good work in school, I self-sabotage. It's infuriating. But these support groups on Reddit help a lot.
I hope other people who have enabler parents realize that it's OK to be mad at them. Yeah, they were victims of abuse in a way too, but we deserved better. IDK if your DH or you ever want book recommendations on enabler moms, but I've left a trail of breadcrumbs with book excerpts in them through my posts:
The enabler bibliography is still a work in progress, but it's a great jumping off point for anyone else who is mad as hell at an enabler. I'll keep adding to it as I find more relevant books, essays, chapters, poems, etc.
Replace it with a copy of Toxic Parents.
You ought to read a book called The Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker. It talks about trusting your gut I'm situations like the one you were in at the park. I think it should be required reading in high school, actually, because we (all of us, but women especially) have made being political correct more important than personal safety.
It's something your mom ought to read, too. She shouldn't be dismissive of your encounter. For all either of you know, those men could have been human traffickers. They could have been hairdressers, too, but it is way better to get the fuck out of Dodge than to ignore your instincts and end up in a bad place.
Have you read ‘The Gift of Fear’? You definitely should. Basically: your instincts are picking up on something that our societal politeness is telling you to ignore. You’re probably dead on that there’s something off here.
Edit: here’s the Amazon link to make it easy -
https://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Survival-Signals-Violence/dp/0440226198[The Gift of Fear, on Amazon](https://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Survival-Signals-Violence/dp/0440226198)
> IMHO that and not enough training is contributes to so much inaccuracy.
I was in the NYPD academy in the early 2000s. I don't know about the Glock trigger because I was issued a Sig Sauer P226k....but I can tell you, scarily, that it's pretty damn easy to "qualify" to department standards.
That and we studied the Diallo shooting in class. While it was clearly a bad shooting (meaning not justified) there were two key elements to the controversial "41 shots". The first...and really the worst element was that one officer had his finger on the trigger while he was moving forward (poor trigger discipline)....tripped and fell. The other officers simultaneously hear the shot, see the officer fall and believed that he was shot...so they returned fire. The reason they fired 41 shots...was because we were told that at the time, the procedure was not "double-tap and reassess"...but rather fire until the threat is neutralized...and if you run out, perform a combat reload.
Now I am not a tactician, not a forensic expert, not a criminologist....or anything closely resembling any of those things. I'm not even a police officer (I resigned from the academy). I only know what I was taught while I was there (rather, what I can remember from what I was taught) and the bit I've read on the physiology of the brain during a combat situation. On Combat by Dave Grossman is an excellent read.
Now I want to stress that I'm not not making moral commentary on the shooting itself....other than to say it was not a justified shooting. But if you do some reading on the subject (since most of us lack combat experience) is that you can understand why things happen the way they do. I really do suggest that people read that book. That one and The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker.
Gavin de Becker's books The Gift of Fear and Protecting the Gift offer excellent insights on this topic. Despite the book titles, I've found I live with less fear by employing some of the authors tactics.
Read The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. It's all about intuition and how to use it to protect yourself -- it's pretty famous but it honestly changed my life and how I think about personal safety as a woman.
You need to learn to trust your feelings again. I haven't read it, but I've seen it highly recommended by others The Gift of Fear.
There are steps you can take to try and reduce the potential that you are assaulted. But to be clear, nothing you can do will ever prevent assault 100%.
Like, being a defensive driver can reduce the likelihood you will get in a car accident. But it can't really prevent you from getting t-boned by a car running a red light that was entirely in your blind spot, you know?
And whatever steps you take will have trade offs. You say you've been burned before, so you will likely be more cautious with new relationships, but this prevents you from forming deep bonds with other people. Part of putting yourself out there means that sometimes you do get hurt. You can certainly not put yourself out there, but then you deprive yourself of the opportunity to create new friendships and relationships. You can certainly not walk around at night or not walk around alone, but you will be depriving yourself of a moonlit walk in solitude.
People will likely tell you to get a gun, and if you do, I urge you to look into the rates of homicide and suicide of those who live in homes with guns versus without in your region. I would also urge you not to get one unless everyone you live with is okay with it, and it is okay with and covered by your insurance. It's very important that everyone living in the house is aware of it, it's also very important that you do not tell anyone else about it. Guns should live in gun safes. Their ammunition should be kept separately, and the gun should not be kept loaded. Even if your state does not require, take as much firearm training and safety as you can before purchasing and bringing a gun home.
If you feel like you are somehow responsible for your assault because you didn't take enough action before to protect yourself, know that this happening to you was not your fault, and there is likely little you could have done to protect yourself. Part of growing older is having shitty things happen to you. This was likely one of those things for you. It's great you want to learn from the experience, but please don't blame yourself for it.
As for "protecting" yourself, Carolyn Hax recommends The Gift of Fear pretty often. I haven't read it and don't necessarily agree the whole premise of the book, but it seems to be what you might be looking for.
I was raised with similar messages: all strange men are trying to get in your pants, you can't trust them one bit, etc etc.
Funny how the people who have ACTUALLY been untrustworthy and tried to harm me were those who I knew and were close to me. In fact, some of the same people who warned me about what "all men" were like were the ones who took advantage the first chance they got.
The statistics bear out my experience - you are statistically much safer with strange men than with men you "know". You can never "know" who is safe and who isn't, you can only observe behaviors and learn which ones show disregard for other people.
Some books that really helped me because I can't afford therapy:
The Gift of Fear
In Sheep's Clothing
Why Does He Do That? Inside the Mind of Angry and Controlling Men
While I was never in a relationship with anyone abusive or manipulative, reading these books helped me identify people whom I could have become more entangled with (professionally, platonically, romantically) and steered clear and thus avoided the ensuing dumpster fires. They made me much more confident in my ability to set appropriate boundaries and recognize when my boundaries were being violated, and that it was ok for me to call an end to any situation I didn't feel comfortable in. Just the knowledge that I could and would do so made me feel more comfortable.
I don't know if my rambling was in any way helpful, but really, do seek out resources in the form of therapy or self-help books. Getting out of an ingrained and destructive mindset is NOT EASY but it is so WORTH IT.
And here's my plug for "The Gift of Fear." A really great book that emphasizes why you SHOULD trust your gut.
I gave this advice to someone here the other day and I'll repeat it to you. You need to read "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin DeBecker. It is truly the most important book I've ever read. He goes over situations similar to this and how to interact with people who set off warning bells.
The biggest advice I can give you is to NOT respond to him for any reason. If he sends you 40 messages and then you respond thinking he'll go away, all you're teaching him is that it costs him 41 tries to get your attention.
I'm glad you contacted the mutual friends, but if you feel you can't trust them to understand how serious it is, unfriend them. He will manipulate people to get info.
Here is a link to the book: https://smile.amazon.com/Other-Survival-Signals-Protect-Violence/dp/0440508835/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1467951740&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=gift+of+fear+by+gavin+debecker
Just saw it mentioned this week, a book on how to commit fake allegations against men to ruin their lives. Aka, how to commit a crime. The book has been reported and still up.
https://www.amazon.com/How-Destroy-Man-Now-DAMN/dp/099982032X
>In How to Destroy A Man Now (DAMN), Dr. Angela Confidential (a business psychologist, consultant, and human resource professional) empowers women with a step-by-step guide for destroying a man’s reputation and removing him from power.
How to Destroy a Man Now
>In How to Destroy A Man Now (DAMN), Dr. Angela Confidential (a business psychologist, consultant, and human resource professional) empowers women with a step-by-step guide for destroying a man’s reputation and removing him from power.
>In easy to understand terms, the handbook reveals and explains the fundamental dynamics between allegations, the media, and authority as they relate to male misconduct in today’s society. It also unveils and details practical real-world methods for leveraging allegations, media, and authorities to dethrone a man from power.
I'm not making any claims about this case, but I too share your concerns regarding unsupported allegations.
Good men need to distance themselves from the women they work with and ensure they never spend any time alone with them. Never have a closed door meeting one on one with a woman. Never share a taxi ride alone with a female colleague. Never put yourself in a position where someone could make allegations against you for things allegedly done months or years ago.
If it comes down to your word against hers then you will be fucked.
Since #MeToo, the Number of Men Who Are Uncomfortable Mentoring Women Has Tripled
>A new set of findings from women’s empowerment non-profit LeanIn.Org and online survey platform SurveyMonkey reveal that, since the media reports of sexual harassment first emerged last fall, male managers are three times as likely to say they are uncomfortable mentoring women and twice as uncomfortable working alone with a woman. The hesitation to meet with women outside of work is even more pronounced: Senior men were 3.5 times more likely to hesitate having a work dinner with a junior female colleague than a male one–and five times more likely to hesitate to travel for work with a junior woman.
And for the few asshole men out there, keep your damn hands to yourself.
Go read the reviews this dosn't add up
Amazon link: https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/reviews/099982032X/
The book has aparently been out for 1 year atleast
Quote:
February 28, 2018
This book is not very long, but worth it's weight in gold. Gives a straightforward and easy to apply method to destroy any male contact while minimizing any consequences for the accuser. Is this advice evil? Of course! But if you want morality and virtue, read Jordan Peterson. If you want to get ahead, get revenge, or just break men for fun, read this!
Weird how jbp is mentioned on one of the 5 star reviews 1 year ago.
Take note of what subreddits this is being posed in and and how is book has apparenty been published for 1 year and i can seem to find a single review taking it seriously (i found one that seems to be from an active account)
Why didnt this blow up sooner? It seems like crafted rage bait.
Edit: i looked through the reviwers purchaes while their seems to be a spike in reviews in the last couple days the accounts dont seem like bots, they have purchaes dating back 1 year plus.
Recommend:
The Verbally Abusive Relationship, Expanded Third Edition: How to recognize it and how to respond Paperback – January 18, 2010
by Patricia Evans
https://www.amazon.com/Verbally-Abusive-Relationship-Expanded-Third/dp/1440504636/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1551034416&sr=8-1&keywords=the+verbally+abusive+relationship+patricia+evans
Howdy, thanks for sharing your story, glad you're here! In response to u/edmonddantes1975 this is what I did to de-indoctrinate myself:
Take some time to learn about the history of the bible. For example, you can take the Open Yale Courses on Religious Studies for free.
Read Who Wrote the Bible by Richard Elliott Friedman
Also read A History of God by Karen Armstrong
Next, learn some actual science. For example - spoiler alert: evolution is true. Visit Berkeley's excellent Understanding Evolution Website.. Or, if you're pressed for time, watch this cartoon.
Read Why Evolution is True by Jerry Coyne
Read The Greatest Show on Earth by Richard Dawkins
Learn about the origin of the universe. For example, you could read works by Stephen Hawking
Read A Briefer History of Time by Stephen Hawking
Learn about critical thinking from people like Michael Shermer, and how to spot logical fallacies.
For good measure, use actual data and facts to learn the we are NOT living in some biblical "last days". Things have gotten remarkably better as man has progressed in knowledge. For example, watch this cartoon explaining how war is on the decline..
Read The Better Angels of Our Nature by Steven Pinker
Another great source is the youtube series debunking 1914 being the start of the last days.
Another way to clear out the cobwebs is to read and listen to exiting stories. Here are some resources:
https://leavingjw.org
Here is a post with links to a bunch of podcasts interviewing JWs who've left
Here's another bunch of podcasts about JWs
Here is a great book from Psychotherapist and former JW Bonnie Zieman - Exiting the JW Cult: A Helping Handbook
I wish you the best. There is a whole world of legitimate information out there based on actual evidence that you can use to become a more knowledgeable person.
You may still wonder how you can be a good human without "the truth." Here is a good discussion on how one can be good without god. --Replace where he talks about hell with armageddon, and heaven with paradise--
Start to help yourself begin to live a life where, as Matt Dillahunty puts it, you'll "believe as many true things, and as few false things as possible."
I'm kind of curious if you've read "A Child Called It". It may bring up uncomfortable memories to do so now.
Have you ever read "A Child Called 'It'," by Dave Pelzer? It sounds like your step-mother was trying to do something akin to what this guy's mother did.
Abusers are not angry and violent all the time - if they were, no one would ever get close enough to be trapped in a relationship with them.
If you are looking for more insight on his behavior, many people on the JustNo forums highly recommend this book:
https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656
https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656
Read that, get out, get to your parents house tomorrow if you can. If it helps make your life easier, tell him you MIGHT go back if he goes to therapy. That he thinks you are trying to embarras him when you talk about what you aren't happy about in your marriage is a huge, huge red flag.
Contact your local women's domestic violence group and see if the camera thing is enough to get you on their radar because there's sure as shit emotional abuse going on.
Also see if you can get an emergency custody order so he can't take your kid.
He's going to do the same shit to your kid that he's doing to you. Go over to /r/raisedbynarcissists to see the kind of damage that can do.
Get out, if you can't do it for you, do it for your baby.
The majority of abusers don't change. I strongly suggest you read "Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. It's a book about how abusers minds work and why they do the things that they do. It also goes into how rare change is and what it takes for an abusive man to change (it takes a whole, whole lot). It was written by a man who worked as a counsellor for abusive men for 15 years so he knows what he is talking about. If you can't get a copy, PM and I can send you a pdf.
If you need permission to leave then I will give it to you.
u/truthinherefornow I give you permission to leave this man masquerading as your husband. This marriage is built on lies and false pretence. It is as fake as Monopoly money. Your number one imperative is now your child, your parents, and yourself. There is no room for him on that list.
You have my permission to seek counseling at battered women shelters in your area. You have my permission to seek legal counsel and tell them you are broke and that you are in desperate need of help. You have my permission to put your child first and protect them from this idiot asshole that wastes his life abusing you. You my permission to love yourself and to treat yourself with the same love and patience that you treat your child with. You have my permission to leave and never look back. You have my permission to go to the police and ask them for assistance in leaving an evil man.
We don't always have good choices. Sometimes we can only choose between one evil thing and another evil thing. When you choose to leave him, you are choosing the option that gives you and your family life.
https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656
Please pick up a copy of this book, Why does He Do That? I've seen it recommended many times for understanding abusive spouses. It should be available in second hand book stores as well.
I highly recommend "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. It is excellent for anyone currently in or just out of an abusive relationship.
Yes. And I blamed alcoholism when it was other things. Here's how I got out of it - 4 books:
It doesn't all fit neatly into one package, but I found glimpses of his behavior in all of these, and to see the strategy behind all of his toxic and abusive behavior was lifesaving.
I’ve hyped the book The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker on reddit before. Stories like this are why every woman should read this book.
The book, Allies in Healing: When the Person You Love Was Sexually Abused as a Child by Laura Davis is an excellent book for partners/spouses.
https://www.amazon.com/Allies-Healing-Person-Sexually-Abused/dp/0060968834
You're not alone! It took me a full year to finally verbally say what happened to me. 27f who was also sexually abused by father.
Therapists ARE expensive, but some who really care will work with you. Mine charged me what I could pay and recommended books for me to go over when I couldn't visit.
Facing Codependence by Pia Melody was one that really helped.
Me and my husband just got a book for the partners of the abuse survivor called: Allies In Healing https://www.amazon.com/dp/0060968834/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_lzyszbBKEK35Z
And by the same author there's a highly recommended workbook that I'm also about to start called: The Courage to Heal workbook https://www.amazon.com/dp/B000GG4ZKE/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_aByszbBD5KJW2
Always trust that your mind and body won't lie to you. I can always tell it's real because I get BODY memories, and those can't be faked. Numbness or dull pain/pressure in my vaginal and anal area, throat and breast... Look into "inner child" work on YouTube.
I hope some of this helps!!
You're not crazy! You're a survivor ❤️
The way you asked sounded like you questioned if they were telling the truth. I've had people question my story using similar words, and many others haver reported similar experiences with similar questions. We get told that if we don't remember the abuse, nobody noticed what was going on with us, or nobody believed us then we are lying and we are making things up :| Anyway back on point, get ready for data overload:
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For learning how to support CSA survivors
Tips for talking to survivors of assault
This is for reporters but there's some good bits in there
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Adverse childhood experiences and how they affect people throughout their lives including life expectancy
Adverse childhood experiences the TedTalk
Why adults have a hard time remembering the abuse that happened to them as children
This is really damn common, I experience it myself. I only have a couple memories of my father sexually abusing me, but other things suggest that more than that happened. Also the younger a child is, obviously, the less they'll remember later on. How many of us remember anything from age 2, 3, or 4?
A far less academic explanation of repressed memories
A personal story of repressed memories
EVEN MORE from the society for traumatic stress studies
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This is pretty close to the kind of environment I lived in with my ex fiance of 4 years. It was a roller coaster, and we would always have good times before the bad. Rinse and repeat. Abusers tend to do this because giving you good times to cling to makes you less likely leave, and because things aren't "always bad" all the time it makes you wonder if you're being unreasonable and makes you think that he really is trying to make an effort.
Considering that, I'm probably biased. I would say he is full of it and you need to leave before he gets physical with you. My ex did all of these things. The yelling, antagonizing, the punching through walls. The "light" pushing. Then it became hard shoves, and there were times he would tower over me and walk toward me to scare the hell out of me and he would not stop. Then the actual physical abuse came, but he resorted to these non-physical methods of abuse more often than the physical. He doesn't respect you. And he's not going to stop.
Please read Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft. It may help you as it did me.
Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men https://www.amazon.com/dp/0425191656/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_tvjJAb4603PHM
In terms of books, you should check out Allies in Healing. It was recommended to me a decade ago by a therapist and it was an absolute game changer - both as the partner and partner of someone with a history of childhood sexual abuse.
Your family sexually abused you. She violated your body, your boundaries. She ignored your protests. She gaslighted you. She mocked you. As an adult, she failed to protect you. This is not okay, not then, not now, not ever. That is sexual abuse, and it was wrong of her to do. I am very sorry you had to go through this. I am angry for you.
Went through a similar experience with my family, and you’re not alone. Feeling like you’re gross, dirty, nauseated, silenced... it’s sadly all too common with sexual abuse survivors. I’m sorry. I went through EMDR & therapy to work through my trauma which has helped a lot, so I’d def suggest that. Also try to get your hands on this book and this book . <3
Abusers in general tend to be charming in public, well-liked, and they keep their abuse quiet. Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That? is a good description of how this works, what to expect, how abusers tend to think, and the odds of improvement.
One thing that stood out to me was the cycle of charm vs abuse. The abuser appears charming to their victim, respectful, showering them with attention, the perfect romantic partner. Then they switch off and turn scary, possibly violent -- whatever their type of abuse entails.
Another type is the character who has full social graces but no moral fetters. They might even have noble goals, but they are not willing to constrain their means.
This is super common for ACONs, there are books (Not The Price Of Admission, Why Does He Do That?). But the real solution might be therapy, it's difficult and sucky and you should probably be single while you work on yourself but there isn't really an easy answer to this one.
Just wanted to reach out and say you're not alone. I've been in the same situation since what feels like early childhood. Even once the fog lifted and I escaped my family of origin, I was still trapped in the same behavioral patterns I'd been taught, and so still attracting narcs; looking back at past friendships has been equally eye-opening and appalling. Working hard on myself atm via therapy and education to figure out how to stop this pattern - it's gotten easier, but I think it will always be a work in progress. Two things which helped the most so far:
and
There have been a lot of resources I've found which have also helped me immensely, so at the risk of being spammy, here are some links:
Out of the Fog: https://outofthefog.website/ (understanding the common behaviors in abusive personality disorders and staying sane despite them)
Issendai's Down the Rabbithole: http://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/ (understanding the dynamic of abusive parents and adult children, and why escaping them is not only justified but often the only way to heal)
Pete Walker: http://pete-walker.com/pdf/flashbackManagement.pdf (the symptoms of C-PTSD and strategies for managing them)
The Karpman Drama Triangle: https://lindagraham-mft.net/triangle-victim-rescuer-persecutor-get/ (the dynamics of the abuse cycle and how it often determines the 'role' we play in it)
and two books:
Gavin de Becker's The Gift of Fear: https://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Survival-Signals-Violence/dp/0440226198
Nina W. Brown's Children of the Self-Absorbed: https://www.amazon.com/Children-Self-Absorbed-Grown-Ups-Getting-Narcissistic/dp/1572245611
As for the situation you outline here with this 'friend' and their texts? This is absolutely an attempt to manipulate you into feeling guilty, and so 'obligate' you to placate them - thereby feeding their ego. It's gross and inexcusable behavior, and I'm sorry it's a thing you were even exposed to, let alone have to deal with.
Here's the good news, though: you don't owe this person anything. Literally nothing. They can shriek their entitled bullshit to the sky until they're blue in the face, and cry their little hearts out over what a victim they think they are for the rest of their lives, and it will change absolutely nothing about the fact that you are not responsible for fixing either their life or their emotions. Period, full stop, end of - and anyone who genuinely valued you as a person and any friendship you've built wouldn't try to treat it like some kind of leverage in order to force you to behave in a way that suits them. Normal, healthy humans don't view relationships as transactional, and they don't treat other people like vending machines, video game NPCs, or any other object that only exists to serve their needs and is obligated to give them whatever they want as long as they press certain buttons. Love is not ownership. Respect is not currency.
So just keep doing what you're doing. Ignore them. Once they see that they're not getting the attention and soothing they're demanding, they'll move on to another source of supply - because that's all they've ever cared about in the first place. While you, knowing what they really are, can sever ties completely and spend your time with (not on - and certainly not for) people who aren't so broken that they believe they're entitled to abuse others in order to make themselves feel "loved enough".
All best wishes to you. Stay strong. You deserve a life free from abuse, and filled with all the love, health, and happiness which should have always been yours. Hugs if you want them, and much <3.
I've been reading The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker and he says at one point, if you see a woman alone just leave her alone. Even if your intent is to be friendly, the woman doesn't know that and a lot of times will be apprehensive of someone talking to her. I know I would! Like u/sunkissedinfl says below, do it where it's expected. If someone says something to me on the street they'll get a brief acknowledgement and my unbroken pace to keep walking away from them. If I'm at a party or a social event, I'm there to party and socialize so come up and talk to me if I don't talk to you first.
I do highly recommend this book as a bit of insight into what is expected of women vs. what we're allowed to do and not come off as a bitch. If I engage in an effort to be polite it could be considered an invitation that I do not intend to convey. If I don't acknowledge - which is my right as a person - then I'm a bitch. It's a slippery slope we get to slide all over every day.
Further reading
Edit: Crap, I think I got the wrong book. I can't remember the title of the other one, but it argues that fear of crime, and especially fear of rape, is used as a method of social control.
Everyone should read The Gift of Fear but I think you need to read it now. There may be things that the police suggest, such as getting a restraining order, that may make things worse.
I haven't been robbed, but I have caught strangers in my apartment building's hallways that ran pretty quickly. That was enough to shake me. Recently I've been taking self-defense training with a local women's group at the park. I also recommend this book (The Gift of Fear) to help with recognizing dangerous situations. Hopefully this will help in the future if I ever encounter something dangerous in my unit/apartment building.
https://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Survival-Signals-Violence/dp/0440226198
>Never feel awkward about noping out of odd situations.
Also, yeah, yeah, book recommendations, but here you go (The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker): http://www.amazon.com/dp/0440226198
Don't be afraid to trust your gut
Report the pattern?
Just a creeper in a game? No big deal, it's on line and if he wants to creep about the cyber landscape, hey, whatever floats your boat.
But, you are not an IT or on line novice, and "coincidentally", your PS3 is now fucked up, and your internet connection went down--like Palhicuk wants you to do, in a Bee Outfit.
As Gary Oldman says in "Dark Knight", "You're a detective now, you aren't allowed to believe in coincidences."
Your home internet connection was borked. Your disc player is acting weird. Is that common for you? You are rationalizing the irrational.
Like in this book:
http://www.amazon.com/dp/0440226198
You know something creepy is up; that is why you are posting here.
Incidentally, the guy who wrote that book grew up in George Clooney's home after he (not clooney!) was orphaned.
But that is just a strange coincidence of some sort.
You should read The Gift of Fear
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0440226198/ref=redir_mdp_mobile/188-4169905-9187409
She sounds unstable to a degree that she would physically harm you. Please be careful in your approach. You don't want to escalate this.
Go to Amazon. Buy this book. "The Gift of Fear." Read it together with her.
It will not fix everything immediately. But it does provide an unparalleled big picture overview of stalking psychology, how to prevent it, and how to deal with it if it happens.
I've read nothing that explains it as well as this book. And nothing that provides the tools this book provides. I have given it to friends who are women and they said it changed how they handle strangers, pushy men, and people who test boundaries. It helps women protect themselves psychologically.
Reading it will be something you can do together that will help her feel like you are paying attention, that you get it, that you're in her corner, and that you want her to be mentally prepared (all of which it sounds like you are).
That stalker is a real winner winner chicken dinner. Fuck that dude.
And it goes without saying, but concealed carry classes for her, or at least Krav Maga, at the same time as reading that book.
Stop replying. No matter how many messages he sends you or how nasty they get, don't reply. Every time you respond you encourage him to keep coming at you with more. Even saying "I don't want to talk to you" is talking to him, and it's giving him the interaction he feeds off of. Cut him off and starve him. Document everything he sends you and file a report with the police. Also, find a copy of The Gift of Fear. It may help you.
"... not profiling these 5 gentlemen, I still made sure that my hands were free "
Two mistakes: not profiling and keeping your hands out. You addressed the first but about the second...
When they saw your hands free they likely assumed you had no weapon. If, when you saw them, you reached for a sidearm (in a pocket, in a bag, behind you) and you kept your hand there, then they would have likely considered the possibility that you were armed.
You're far too PC! It can get you killed; you need to shake off that cruft. Gavin DeBoecker has written some excellent books on this (not self-defense, but how to accept your body's warning signals).
However I must say that it is to your credit that you
I agree it looks awkward, but I think it's for security reasons. One of the best books I've ever read is "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin De Becker, who is a security consultant for celebrities, and has been responsible for preventing several assassinations. One chapter of his book talks about the ways he keeps his celebrity clients safe. Things like only brushing fingertips with the crowd make it harder for a would be attacker to grasp them by the hand and pull them in. It really changed how I view celebrity/fan interactions. I think a lot of celebrities keep their distance for safety reasons, not because they're "rude" or "cold". You can find it here if you're interested: https://www.amazon.com/dp/0440508835/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_GyOzDbPBWQDCR
Get out now because it's escalating. Abusers don't change, so don't think you can help him. I know this thought is impossible to believe right now, but I've seen it - what happens when he tries to injure you or tries to kill you? You think I'm joking? Just go to a woman's shelter and listen to their stories - they will be pretty damn similar to what is going on with you now.
Please, for your sake, read this book ASAP - The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker - http://www.amazon.com/Other-Survival-Signals-Protect-Violence/dp/0440508835/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1323353538&amp;sr=8-1 When you do break up with him, be prepared to have him stalk you and other violent tactics that he isn't using right now. The Gift of Fear will give you a ton of tips on how to keep the violence from escalating.
God I'm sorry. You didn't deserve the awful shit that happened to you.
I recently read The Gift of Fear. It should be at your local library. It's a fantastic book for breaking down exactly what the signs of violence are so that you can escape a situation early or avoid it altogether. I can't recommend it enough. I've found it much easier to relax around people when I have that information clearly defined in my consciousness.
People generally advise against restraining orders for these situations. They can often very quickly turn a bad situation into a worse one. They work well against normal law-abiding citizens and for those who fear consequences. For most of the people you might want to take a restraining order out on, this gentleman for example, they've already shown they have little regard for social norms or consequences, amd don’t always fear the police, arrest, jail, prison, or even death by their own hands.
Typically what restraining orders do, especially in domestic violence cases, is escalate the situation to the next level, whereas it previously existed as an "uncomfortable" but somewhat manageable situation.
If you haven't previously come across any of this kind of stuff, I highly recommend this book. I had my sister read it when she was younger, and try to get most girlfriends to read it these days (though none have, I assume because they haven't had any trouble of this nature and it's hard for them to envision such a thing happening in the future). One of the main points of the book though is that violence can happen to anybody, but it often has signs that precede its occurrence.
First, I'm not saying that it's either/or. However, just as there are a lot of people who mistakenly think that waving a gun around will magically make the evil go away, there are also a lot of people who mistakenly think that martial arts give them some magical advantage over anyone wielding a firearm. I'm going to assume that neither of us are subject to this kind of magical thinking.
Owning and carrying a firearm responsibly takes training and practice. Most law-abiding gun owners go to the range more than police do. We also learn the laws in our states regarding when it is legal or not legal to use a handgun in self-defense or defense of another.
Firearms work at a greater distance than martial arts. By the time someone is close enough for hand-to-hand fighting, you simply aren't going to have time to draw and fire a gun outside some very narrow circumstances. So, yes, martial arts can be useful, but they are not the be-all, end-all defense against firearms that some people like to claim. Nor are firearms the be-all, end-all defense against everything that some people like to claim, either.
Run if you can (I can't because I'm waiting for knee replacement surgery in both legs).
De-escalate if possible.
Fight or shoot as a very last resort.
My decision to get my permit and to carry was not made lightly, but three encounters I had in my taxi (when I was still capable of running) helped change my mind. You better believe I'm familiar with the laws regarding defensive gun use in my state. I also did a lot of reading about de-escalation and conflict avoidance, because even though I understand that I might someday need to shoot someone to defend myself, I'd really rather not have to. I recommend these four books:
The Art of the Con by Gary F. Cornelius;
The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker;
The Little Black Book of Violence by Lawrence Kane and Kris Wilder;
Meditations on Violence by Rory Miller.
Investing: The Boglehead's Guide to Investing. You don't need any other book. https://www.amazon.com/Bogleheads-Guide-Investing-Taylor-Larimore/dp/1118921283/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1550686550&sr=8-1&keywords=bogleheads+guide+to+investing
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Other stuff:
The Gift of Fear, Gavin DeBecker: https://www.amazon.com/Other-Survival-Signals-Protect-Violence/dp/0440508835/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1550686596&sr=8-1&keywords=the+gift+of+fear
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The Power of Charm: https://www.amazon.com/Power-Charm-Anyone-Over-Situation/dp/0814473571/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1550686575&sr=8-1&keywords=the+art+of+charm
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No book will prepare you for law enforcement, it has to be touched, smelled, heard, and seen. If you're already a cop then the best thing you can do to be better is to be a well rounded human being and books can help with that.
Here's the recommended reading from some of the prior threads I was able to find in the sub.
I've read a good portion of the above listed. I highly recommend Emotional Survival and going to see one of Gilmartin's talks if he's in your area. Below are a few of my personal suggestions.
Jeff Cooper created a "color code" to help people in potentially dangerous situations get into a fighting mindset. The system has since been bastardized to instead represent different levels of vigilance or situational awareness to potential threats and is now in widespread use among military, law enforcement, and self defense communities.
Condition White is where most people are most of the time--completely unaware of changes in the environment around them. If you're staring at your phone, have your headphones in, or are otherwise engrossed in work or leisure you're in Condition White and you're probably gonna die if an active killer shows up.
Condition Yellow is where an alert and aware person is when they haven't detected any specific threats. You're head comes up when someone enters the room or moves into your line of sight. Condition Yellow is where you ideally want to spend most of your time.
Condition Orange is the point where you've identified something specific that might be a threat, but you aren't completely sure yet. Something unusual has caught your attention and you are now consciously paying attention to it (example would be two men entering a store late at night with masks covering their faces--not necessarily dangerous, but it very well might be) and looking for pre-attack indicators. This is the point when you'll start moving to a more tactically advantageous position (either to run or to fight). Normalcy bias will prevent many people from ever reaching Condition Orange.
Staying in Condition Orange creates burnout very quickly, and you want to identify whether or not what you noticed is actually a threat so that you can move back to Condition Yellow or escalate into Condition Red (as appropriate).
Condition Red is the point where you have confirmed an imminent threat and the object of your attention is now a potential target. You are either drawing your weapon or running the fuck away.
Some people have also added a Condition Black, which can refer to either the moment you actually attack, the aftermath of the situation, or a number of other things.
If you want to learn more about the subject I highly recommend the books The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker and On Killing by Dave Grossman.
This book explains it so, so well; I recommend it to my friends both male and female -- not only is it useful to both genders for recognizing fear in themselves, but it's also a fantastic explanation for men who may not fully grasp the dangers that come part and parcel with being a woman, whether we're conscious of them or not. It's a great book, and actually written by a man.
To provide an example, here's an affiliate link to the same product. You can see the extra information after the //. The x's are where an affiliate code unique to that affiliate is input.
https://www.amazon.com /Other-Survival-Signals-Protect-Violence/dp/0440508835//ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&linkCode=ll1&tag=xxxxxxxxxxxxx-21&linkId=86ef58c009cc86002120eff00846c68e
However, 99% of affiliate links, especially to Amazon, are now shortened like this:
http://amzn. to/2xX3xxX
Since getting a gun isn't feasible for most people, I suggest the following (especially the sisters)
I want to echo everyone here and reiterate that you have NOTHING to feel guilty about or apologize for. Even through his texts, it's clear this man was trying to manipulate you. He was (very probably) lying and trying to guilt you into doing things you were clearly uncomfortable with.
Most importantly, do NOT feel bad for not recognizing this. Horrible people like this man will intentionally pick out those who are too young/too inexperienced to recognize his filth. You listened to your gut and that makes you so impressively strong and brave! Good for you. Can't say that enough. Good for you!
Also forget anyone who says you acted like you were interested. You did not lead him on in ANY sense. Human decency does not imply sexual interest.
Last thing, you absolutely need to read a book called The Gift of Fear. I know you're incredibly busy with school and your job but this is the single greatest book every woman of our generation should read. My mom made me read it before I left for college and, as a naive, young, and sweet girl like yourself, it was life-changing. Please make time for this book.
To start, I’m going to have make certain assumptions as some pertinent information and context is lacking, so forgive me if I’m wrong, or offend.
Basic questions for you:
My question is how far are you willing to go, now I don’t ask this for me, ask yourself this. I have found, most women don’t really, or perhaps, are scared to “hurt” the other person. Fuck that. They are trying to hurt you, your only thought should be how to end the altercation in the most efficient and quick way possible.
Example: aggressive guy yelling in your face, your scarred. Slap both his ears with cupped hands as hard as possible to try and blow his ear drums, when he’s bent over in pain, slam his head into the wall and run to safety. Make sure your safe, call the cops and report his ass.
Here are a couple of resources you should check out to understand things a little more.
http://www.nononsenseselfdefense.com
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0440508835/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1525587657&amp;sr=8-1&amp;pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&amp;keywords=the+gift+of+fear&amp;dpPl=1&amp;dpID=51x0cj4i6yL&amp;ref=plSrch
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B076KVC6C3/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1525587827&amp;sr=8-1&amp;pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&amp;keywords=marc+macyoung&amp;dpPl=1&amp;dpID=51b47-GzWkL&amp;ref=plSrch
And google “Krav Maga” in your city. I found it to be one of the most efficient self defense systems around & it’s a hell of a workout.
Hope this helps and makes sense and please, be safe, you’re worth it.
Building Trauma-Sensitive Schools: Your Guide to Creating Safe, Supportive Learning Environments for All Students by Jen Alexander
This presentation
The Drama of the Gifted Child by Alice Miller (This book is more about understanding the root of parental-related trauma and neglect. Worth a read but not necessarily what you're requesting.)
You might be interested in the book The Drama of the Gifted Child. Alice Miller is a psychologist who also had nparents, and she explains from her research that children of nparents often have extra reserves of sympathy and being sensitive, because they are trained to anticipate and fulfill their nparents' needs. A whole section is dedicated to the emptiness we feel once we realize that void it creates. (She explains it way better than I do.)
From what I remember, she doesn't go so far as to say that you are more likely to do the things that you list. I think we are more likely to have anxiety and depression as well as numb our feelings (since we didn't have a safe space to share them). But I'd be hesitant to just say it without any research to back it up. I know I'm only one person but I did really well in school, because it was a distraction and it fit into the 'golden child' persona that was expected of me.
Narcissistic Injury read some of Alice Miller's books are a good place to start.
I'm so sorry that happened to you. It sounds wildly abusive, and I hope you can look into talk therapy at a minimum. You may be suffering from a form of complex PTSD, but of course there's no way anyone can diagnose just based on one anonymous post and I am not a doctor. It may however benefit you to at least look into.
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There is also this book that may help:
https://www.amazon.com/Drama-Gifted-Child-Search-Revised/dp/0465016901
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I hope it's ok to respond with these sorts of things - don't mean to force recommendations on you. Hope you're doing ok
Have you done any reading on trauma healing? I found Judith Lewis Herman and Bessel van der Kolk very helpful. It took a couple years, but I had more backed-up years of trauma effects than you do. Six months could be enough time for meaningful progress.
Counsellors and therapists never helped me, either, and I've been to quite a few, none great. I agree with you no one really wants to hear about the trauma and those that are willing to listen at all are few and tend not to stick around. Just my personal experience.
I'm not a minority. I'm a culture of one. I have an inkling of your pain.
Someone in this subreddit recommended these books to me when I was looking for advice on recovery from abuse, and they said that a feminist psychologist told them about these. I haven't gotten the chance to check them out, but I figured I'd pass it along:
8 Keys to Safe Trauma Recovery
Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence
Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving
Why Does He Do That? is also really good. It's straightforward and has a pretty good feminist analysis of where abuse comes from - the book doesn't try to claim that men abuse because they have mental health problems or any other bullshit, but makes it clear that men abuse women because of misogyny and feeling like they "own" women.
Is it this book: Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence--from Domestic Abuse to Political Terror? I'm looking for it because I definitely want to read it based on your comment, thank you!
((gentle hugs))
PTSD is extremely difficult. I did exposure therapy for a couple of months before getting sick (unrelated: I have a genetic disorder that we didn't know about) -- it helped me so much. It was sincerely horrible during the treatment but I'm far less symptomatic now.
Also, this book is fantastic: Trauma and Recovery
I have zero experience with EMDR but I've heard good things about it. Also, these things take so long to heal -- it's been over nine years since my event, and I didn't start treatment until two years ago. I'm just now starting to feel a little normal. You can do this OP!! <3333 Feel free to PM me if you need to talk, we're here for you.
There is this book called Toxic Parents.. Obviously your brother isn't your parent, but there is advice in there that is directly applicable to this situation - toxic family members.
I had a similar situation where a vile family member just kept disappearing/reappearing when I already declared that I would cut this person off. This book helped me deal with it. I found the advice and the exercises in it much better than therapy.
Also this article from Psychology today (1999) says something about forgiving more eloquently than I ever could - It's okay not to forgive.
Other advice that probably has been said in this thread:
The family you choose is always more important than the family you were born with. Your adult life is about you and the world you make. You can choose who to include and exclude from it for any reason at all. You're under no obligation to entertain or acknowledge anyone even if they are "blood." Keep those that add value to your life.
If you're not going to enjoy the wedding, you're never under any obligation to attend. That's time that you'll never get back.
If your body is reacting to thinking about this, then it's probably not emotionally/mentally healthy to attend the wedding or even talk to this individual.
It's entirely possible that your brother has changed and after much deliberation you might choose to accept this person into your life. If you choose to accept, establish boundaries, make this relationship on your terms only, and never tolerate less than good behavior. (Better said in the Toxic parents book I mentioned before)
Good luck.
edit: Formatting. I am a derp at this sometimes.
>https://www.amazon.com/How-Destroy-Man-Now-DAMN/dp/099982032X
There's a theory this was written by some neckbeard incel in order to incite. Someone tried to track its roots and found them to be incredibly amateurish.
https://www.amazon.com/How-Destroy-Man-Now-DAMN/dp/099982032X
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1572243376/ref=pd_aw_fbt_14_img_3?ie=UTF8&amp;psc=1&amp;refRID=8MX1NXGD12519MT0KCK0
Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect
I’m in the middle of reading Running on Empty, which is all about childhood emotional neglect (CEN). It really resonates with my life experience, my struggles, my pain, etc. Especially since I’ve only recently become aware of my trauma. And here’s an article on CEN as well:
Neglect, the long lasting impact of what wasn’t there (this is part one, part two is linked at the bottom of the article)
Sorry to hear about what you went through. Things will only get better. Glad that you're reaching out to other HSPs.
Yesterday, I was watching a podcast with Brene Brown and Russell Brand where they discussed their own kids' behavior and compliance. I hope you relate to the segment as she mentions choice theory.
I also recommend reading the book [Running on Empty] (https://www.amazon.com/Running-Empty-Overcome-Childhood-Emotional/dp/161448242X/ref=sr_1_2?keywords=running+on+empty&amp;qid=1574127505&amp;sr=8-2) by Dr. Jonice Webb
Best of luck! ♥
@op: I highly, highly recommend this book: https://www.amazon.com/Running-Empty-Overcome-Childhood-Emotional/dp/161448242X/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=running+on+empty&amp;qid=1556559567&amp;s=gateway&amp;sr=8-1
It's a life changer and all these posts from young INTPs always reminds me of the subject matter.
FOG is an acronym for Fear, Obligation, and Guilt which was originally coined by Susan Forward in her book Emotional Blackmail. Narcissists are great at using these tools to get what they want. If you want a great book to read that might shed some light on why your bf acts the way he does, try Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft. There's a pdf version of it here, but if you find it useful, please purchase Ms. Bancroft's book.
>from day one he pushed more than I was comfortable with.
>
>If I asked him to back off he'd get angry and tell me that I just didn't know how to communicate, that he didn't know what I meant by "space" and that him not giving me what I wanted was just because I didn't know how to ask for it. Several times I would ask him to just let me initiate our conversations for a while, because I was feeling really overwhelmed. That would last about two days and then he would tell me I wasn't being fair and was just shutting him out.
This is the big red flag he was waving right off the bat that you missed. When someone agrees with a boundary you set (such as giving you space) and then pushes it, they have proven themselves to be a disrespectful person at best and a dangerous person at worst. When you confront said person about said boundary and they blame you, they've outed themselves as manipulative and shitty.
>Eventually I decided that our problems were related to our not being in an official relationship, and I felt like I was ready, so I said okay, let's be in a relationship. Nothing really got better, except now he felt like he could have more control over how often we talked.
Getting in to a relationship NEVER solves pre-relationship problems. It makes them worse. He was already controlling and manipulating you and you some how thought giving him more reason to control was going to solve that? No, that's naive.
>Is this salvageable?
Why would you want to stay with someone who disrespects you, pushes your boundaries, controls you, manipulates you, and generally treats you like crap under the disguise of love and care? Where is your self respect?
>Has anyone been in a relationship with this level of insecurity and issues and survived?
I've never been in a relationship this unhealthy before because I notice warning signs such as boundary pushing and I don't date people who do that. Read The Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker because you are in an abusive relationship and desperate to appease your emotional abuser. Next time you ignore the red flags you could find yourself beaten, severely injured, or even dead by the person you claim to love.
This is probably an interesting read for the two of you.
I think you obeyed your instincts. The Gift of Fear
Looks like the bad guys are winning, since they can use intimidation to remove reports about how bad they are. They should hire someone like De Becker.
Definitely go for boxing.
The problem with martial arts today is that they are taken completely out of context, and are missing a lot of what they need to be truly effective. For disclosure, I've studied various forms of martial arts for over 15 years, and have recently done a lot of study of their history, and of the old European martial arts that were "lost" for a long time.
Modern martial arts grew out of fighting systems that were taught to young fighters for use in battle. You probably already surmised this. What doesn't occur to most people is that the young men who were taught these systems came into them already familiar with fighting. Almost everywhere you look in the ancient and medieval world, wherever there was a warrior class, Spartans, Samurai, west european Gens-d'Armes, the young boys of that class were taught and encouraged to do things like wrestling and boxing; relatively simple combat sports. "Just fuckin' hit each other." In short, they came into their more advanced fighting system classes already familiar with the physical and psychological sensations of beating the snot out of a living human being, and having someone try to do the same to them.
It turns out that these two things are the most important issues to deal with in a self-defense situation:
Another issue is fitness. If we once again consider our archetypal young fighter, he's already in good shape when he goes to learn these specific techniques. He runs, rides, wrestles, climbs, all that stuff. He's already hardened when he steps into the dojo or the salle.
So, to bring this all together martial arts techniques he learns, and whose derivatives we study today, are merely the capstone of a broad suite of training that prepares this young man to be a soldier. They are the garlic-chive compound butter that melts over, mingles with, and ultimately seasons the steak that is his fitness and experience in what we would call "combat sports."
So what does this mean for you? What is more important than the specific techniques and systems of combat that most martial arts trainers teach is simple familiarity with the sensation of fighting someone. For this I suggest boxing. It's rock simple and it's one of the few martial arts where training for the art itself involves a LOT of physical training. Combat athletes are the most all-round fit people there are. They have to have everything.
There are some books that you should read, regardless of what you choose to go with. They address the psychology of violence and threats to safety, and thinking about those things the right way is >85% of self-defense.
Meditations on Violence: A Comparison of Martial-Arts Training and Real-World Violence
The Gift of Fear
The first is pretty much what it sounds like. The guy who wrote it has been a cop and prison guard for twenty-some-odd years, and averages more fights in a week than most of us have our whole lives.
The second is by a guy who runs a firm that evaluates security threats to celebrities and organisations. It's all about threat prediction, intuition, and otherwise recognizing danger before it gets to you.
Again, whatever system you choose, I cannot recommend strongly enough that you buy and read these two books. They will do more for your personal safety than six months of nearly any kind of training you can get.
>The book 'a gift of fear' may be helpful to you, and break your conditioning to be 'nice' and not say no.
Yes. Yes. A thousand times, yes. I cannot stress how important it is that you read this book. If you have a Kindle, or at least the Kindle app on your phone, put it on your Amazon wish list and pm me the link. I will seriously buy it for you, the book is that helpful, especially for a young woman living in a large city. The things I learned from this book have helped me so much to adjust to living in Baltimore and has literally saved my life on at least one occasion. Please please please read this book!
Here are some links for the product in the above comment for different countries:
Amazon Smile Link: this book
|Country|Link|
|:-----------|:------------|
|UK|amazon.co.uk|
|Spain|amazon.es|
|France|amazon.fr|
|Germany|amazon.de|
|Japan|amazon.co.jp|
|Canada|amazon.ca|
|Italy|amazon.it|
|China|amazon.cn|
This bot is currently in testing so let me know what you think by voting (or commenting). The thread for feature requests can be found here.
Hi friend
I'm really sorry that he's done this to you. The strangulation the running in terror it all sounds so scary and awful. I believe you and I'm sorry that others don't...the sad thing is that them not believing you doesn't change the fact that it did. People have a way of believing what they want to believe.
It's still early days and it sounds like you're in traumatic bonding which I'd expect so soon on. You need him to be there to give you hugs and support you're missing that without him and it's so hard. It's natural to want the day side of him you're bound to want that still there was all the good things you were drawn to.
The cars and his friends is really worrying. Can you get CCTV for your house? You can get it for under 100 on Amazon nowadays. Can you get deadbolts fitted on doors and an alarm? If nothing else it'll make you feel safer.
I'm really impressed with your strength here you're doing amazingly. Is there a dv outreach centre you can speak to, can the police refer you anywhere? Have you read Lundy Bancrofts book I think it'd give you great comfort. Don't forget we are here for you no matter what if you need anything just reach out
https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656
Please read
I am so sorry this is happening to you. Something struck me though--I'm going to guess that, so far, it's only your stuff he's broken, right? Not his own? That's one of the signs of an abuser. Many abusers start out wonderful and only gradually start showing their dark side. Many abusers were themselves abused as kids--it's part of the cycle.
I really wish I could wave a magic wand and make all the bad stuff go away and he'd stay the wonderful guy he started out as.
One of the best books I've ever read about abusers, why they're like that, and how to deal with them, is "Why Does He Do That?" (your local library probably has a copy of it).
It may not apply 100% to your boyfriend, as yours seems more driven by intense emotional pain and the overwhelming need to drug the pain away than by thoughs of getting revenge for what he suffered as a kid. But he's got too much anger in him.
His statement of "you're trying to control" me is one of the typical mindgames abusers play.
You can't help someone who doesn't want help. You can't change someone who doesn't want to change. I guess in his mind his past abuse is perfect justification for present misbehavior and self-destructiveness--and perfect justification for low self-esteem, another driver of the drugs and self-destruction.
All of this sounds really harsh. But abusers by definition play a lot of mind games not just with others but with themselves. And they always think it's perfectly okay for them to do whatever they're doing, no matter what anyone else thinks. And most abusers are usually extremely charming and easy to like in the beginning--they seem like the ideal romantic partner. That's the mask they put on to attract victims.
I don't know if that describes your boyfriend, but too many similarities.
I am really, really sorry this is happening to you. It's not just that you deserve better, but he deserves better, too--from himself.
He has to choose. Ask him if he wants help. Ask him if he wants to change. Ask him when he's sober and acting decent, not when he's fucked up. If he doesn't want to change or get help, there's nothing you can do except protect yourself. Leave him.
Sometimes they have to bottom out before they really seek out help. There is still hope. Craig Ferguson went through this himself, major alcohol problem, lots of pain...bottomed out and realized he would die if he didn't change. And he realized he wanted a different life and to be a better man. He did it. But it was he who made that choice. Nobody could do it for him. He couldn't even acknowledge he had a problem until he woke up on Christmas day homeless in a pool of urine having passed out the night before. But look at him now. Great guy, lots of class, on top of the world now.
There's hope, still.
Tell him, "Call me, when you decide you want to change, and you want help. Until then, so long--you were great until the drinking and drugs."
Oh hon. There are a lot of frustrated reactions here but I just wanted to say that EVEN IF this guy is not cheating on you (big if...), what he has just done has a name - it's psychological abuse. No, calling it abuse is not melodramatic, it's what he's doing. It is really not surprising that you're feeling confused, embarrassed and upset.
I'm not going to tell you to break up with him - plenty of people have given you that message already. What I suggest is taking some time to yourself. Switch off your phone (with or without telling him what you are doing, it honestly doesn't matter at this point as long as he doesn't get to talk out his preferences with you. This time is non-negociable) and tell any housemates that he is not coming in the house and not to let him in. I heard you have a kid - give them to a trusted guardian for a day trip or something so you can have the place to yourself. Have a hot bath, pamper yourself in whatever way you love best and just give yourself some TLC for a bit. You are worth the attention and you've had a big shock - you deserve the time to recuperate. Keep up the lack of contact until you feel a bit more centred.
OK, what now? Get a copy of [Why Does He Do That? ] (http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656) and read through it, bearing in mind that abuse comes in all shapes and sizes and he has proved very well recently that he does not have to hit you to hurt you. It might not change your mind about staying with him but it will give you an insight into the more manipulative aspects of his behaviour.
I wish you all the best and hope things feel calmer and better for you soon.
Please read http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656
Yes, you were.
> I got pissed off at them and
Stop blaming your hateful and harassing decisions on anger. You made the choice to do this and you should own it.
> User then goes into a mental breakdown and
How dare you harass someone for days and blame their mental state when they take action to remove you from their life. You are abusive and your actions are straight out of the abuser's playbook.
> I genuinely didn't see myself as one
You still don't see it. See yourself for how you are before you seriously damage someone in your life.
Are you sure this ex really has cancer? I bet the dude is faking it to try and get your girl back.
Check your local police department to see if she can get a restraining order against him. There may also be some stalking laws you two can look into to stop him cold.
This book has some great advice about people stalking you.
The Gift of Fear
http://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Gavin-Becker/dp/0440226198
Their advice is to keep the original cell phone as the "stalker phone." Keep it in a corner plugged up and just let the ex text to no end while she doesn't answer. As long as stalker ex thinks it's her number, he'll just keep going and she won't have to worry about it.
Next she gets two new phone numbers. One is a Google Voice number (http://voice.google.com) and the other is her new cell phone number. Give everyone who won't spread it to the stalker ex the Google voice number, which can forward all calls to your new cell phone number. If she has to (but the book above doesn't recommend), she can block all his calls and texts via the Google voice number if stalker ex finds out what it is.
http://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Gavin-Becker/dp/0440226198
You might want to read The Gift of Fear...
https://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Gavin-Becker/dp/0440226198
I hope you see this one, but I've seen this book recomended several times from women who have experienced situations like yours and worse.
It's about where that creepy icky feeling comes from and why it's important that you pay attention to it.
http://www.amazon.com/The-Gift-Fear-Gavin-Becker/dp/0440226198
You screwed up. Interesting how you intuitively suspected that. "Intuition" is surprisingly useful: learn to follow it. For more read Gavin de Becker's The Gift of Fear.
As for correct procedure, see this:
"... the transferor/seller may not knowingly transfer a firearm to someone who falls within any of the categories of prohibited persons contained in the GCA. See 18 U.S.C. §§ 922(g) and (n)..."
Next time ask to see the buyer's state driver's license and then ask a few questions: are you a felon, are you a drug addict, etc. as specified by the GCA (same questions as on 4473 form).
http://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Gavin-Becker/dp/0440226198
A similar book, except about trusting "gut" danger signals that your rational mind waves off. And how to figure out when your gut feeling is wrong and inappropriate. Very interesting read.
I feel you.
One of the greatest things you can ever do for your safety is to study body language and common indications of an impending attack. People often realize something is "off" about a situation long before it goes too far but don't trust their gut. As it seems you've already realized, it's really easy to second guess yourself in the moment: "I shouldn't be so rude to assume this guy is about to attack me.... OH GOD HE'S ATTACKING ME!"
Offending an innocent person by running away from them is far preferable to allowing an attack that your instincts saw coming. I say this as someone who had a knife to my throat in 2000 because I felt guilty for assuming I was being targeted. I was correct, but I didn't have the courage to trust myself at the time. I had plenty of chance to run before it was too late but didn't want to be "rude."
Gavin de Becker's The Gift of Fear is great reading.
If you're legally allowed to carry pepper spray in your region, it's far better than a party popper and still not a big deal if you blast someone prematurely. I'm not dismissing the seriousness of using any weapon on the wrong person, but compared to almost anything else, pepper spray carries extremely low risk of doing anyone lasting harm.
Even if laws are very strict, the risk of carrying pepper spray may still be "worth it." You could also consider something with (arguable) plausible deniability like a coin sap. An impact weapon won't be seen as sinister to law enforcement as a blade, carries lower chance of exposing you to someone's blood, and can produce impressive results.
While your gender makes you more of a target, it also works in your favor if you do ever have to answer to police.
If you're not even comfortable with the legal/practical consequence of something like pepper spray, I'd at least opt for a more serious noise-making device than a party popper. I don't think they're really great overall, but those "personal alarms" that wail at 130db are still better than party favors.
If you are comfortable doing so, resistance based training is priceless. By this I mean BJJ, Judo, boxing, etc. Anything where your training partner is actually trying to beat you rather than some of the placebo "rape defense" classes where a padded instructor pretends like a weak kick has crippled them. Not only can these skills be used in a real environment but they will instill confidence and teach you your own limitations.
While violence is a very real concern in some regions, it's fairly hypothetical to most people. This is great for day-to-day living but also means that plenty of training/advice is based on complete guesswork and untested practices. Take everything with an appropriate helping of salt (including everything I've rambled about here) and a critical mind.
I wish you all the best and I hope you never find yourself in a situation where these concerns are applicable.
i got u fam
Yeah. Here are some of the positive aspects...
Look at this jewel on amazon:
https://www.amazon.com/How-Destroy-Man-Now-DAMN/dp/099982032X
Janice Fiamengo has some concerning points:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FIPWOaYX--Y
I wonder if they read this book. https://www.amazon.com/How-Destroy-Man-Now-DAMN/dp/099982032X
The thing that ultimately caused me to leave was his increasingly abusive, controlling behavior.
I liken it to the fable of the frog in the pot: If you put a frog in a pot of boiling water, he will, of course, leap out to safety. If you put him in cool water over low heat, he will stay in there unknowingly until he is cooked through.
Things escalated so slowly and so subtly, that before I knew it, I was in an emotionally and verbally abusive mess of a marriage. When my therapist recommended a book on verbal abuse, I thought she was nuts. Then I took the quiz on the first page. I answered yes to 8 of the 10 questions. It said if you said yes to 2 or more, you were being abused. I was shocked.
Here is a link to the book. It changed my life.
The Verbally Abusive Relationship, Expanded Third Edition: How to recognize it and how to respond https://www.amazon.com/dp/1440504636/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_bQiOAbEA9HABE
http://www.amazon.com/The-Verbally-Abusive-Relationship-recognize/dp/1440504636/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1345345778&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=verbally+abusive+relationship
Read the book, it will answer all your questions.
Short version, though: he enjoys having power over you. He is "nice" to you, sometimes, in order to stop you from leaving, but what he really wants is the feeling of dominance he gets from bullying and devaluing you. Get out while you can - you're still young and you can heal and find another relationship with a man who isn't a bully. Don't let this go on and on because it's only hurting you, and he will never change.
EXiting the JW Cult: A Healing Handbook: For Current & Former Jehovah's Witnesses https://www.amazon.com/dp/1508477132/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_Jjg0Db133BFW9
If he wants to pm me he can.
This is a process over time, not a point in time.
What follows is the best and worst example:
Elisabeth Kubler Ross' stages of dealing with death are applicable here.
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
They're pretty straightforward but that's not where the real problem lies.
The problem with them is that while they're listed in order of eventual resolution that anyone specific individual experiencing them will move back and forth between them over a period of time that will vary from person to person.
This is what the process of leaving will involve for him, what it involves for any exJW, but is often amplified for a gay exJW.
Coming out as gay versus becoming ExJW.
Either one is more than enough work, a major psychological upheaval.
Both of them together, simultaneously, is huge.
This link, under Recommended Reading in the sidebar, is for Bonnie Zieman's work: https://smile.amazon.com/EXiting-JW-Cult-Handbook-Witnesses/dp/1508477132/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1478470651&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=Exiting+the+JW+Cult%3A+A+Healing+Handbook
I have not read it yet (ashamed) but she comes recommended and has the benefit of coming from an ExJW who has practiced and has degrees. She may, possibly, also serve as a clearinghouse for therapists who understand that ExJWs seeking therapy often encounter therapists who "just don't get it" or have their own religious biases to contend with.
Lastly, there's an ocean of people on this subreddit who are gay and have experienced precisely what is occurring here and I'd be surprised if they don't show up.
Just a thought but I imagine you probably wet the bed because of the abuse. It's pretty common I think, regression can be a symptom of trauma. Concerning your sisters, it sucks, but not uncommon. I've heard of cases where one child tends to be the scape goat of a family, the other kids are practically indoctrinated to believe the same. Also, it could be the case that they don't have a good idea what was happening to you, and you don't know all that happened to them. You probably know bits here and there, but we all have our secrets, and parents like this are exceptionally good at divide and conquer.
You might want to read the book A Child Called It which details one of the worse child abuses cases in California. There is some controversy, as some of his siblings said he made it up, but he was taken away from his family, at a time when child abuse wasn't really recognized (co-incidentally we're talking the 70s).
Your girlfriend went through something incredibly traumatic, and her reaction is normal. You don't have to have answers for her, but just be there to help her feel loved, supported and safe, as it seems you are already doing.
First, respect her choice to not report. Instead, focus on maintaining and improving daily life for you both. The better you can keep your lives on track (while not dismissing what she's going through), the easier it should be for her to face what happened, process it and feel like herself again.
Try to get more exercise than usual, especially outdoors... it will help get stress out and might help her sleep. In the same vein, think about activities that you like to do together... a museum, the movies, live music, meet up with friends/family, a mini road trip, going to a lake, whatever - and make plans to do at least one of those things per week.
Plan and cook healthy meals together, chill and watch tv together, maybe go for coffee and chat together. Let her know that you love her and are open to listening to whatever is on her mind, and acknowledge to her that while this is all new to you, you truly are trying your best to be there for her. Ask her to tell you if there's anything she wants or needs.
You might have some success in getting her a bit of help by suggesting she talk to her doctor about medication to help with sleep. For all of the questions she has, you could try suggesting a book like The Rape Recovery Handbook. There's also RAINN.org, and for you there's this Men's Guide that might be helpful.
Remember that it's not easy supporting someone going through trauma, and even if she isn't at a point where she can get professional help for herself, that doesn't mean you can't get it for yourself. You having some support from a therapist during this time could really be helpful for both of you. Thank you for being there for her. Take care.
Well, it's also currently listed on amazon.
Thankfully, copies are currently unavailable
Fair call but remember that the #metoo movement is resulting in an environment where men will not mentor or train women, where women are seen as a danger in the workplace not a benefit, and where interactions with female staff and colleagues will be viewed in a risk management way where a mans very employment, livelihood, and reputation hinges on how every word and action are interpreted.
You do realise, don't you, that men and women both at work and in life generally survive in a symbiotic relationship and that when you demonise the "other" the "other" will take steps to not be demonised and in the end that will hurt your cause?
People have actually written books on the subject. This one is quite well known around the internet as a guide for women on how to falsely accuse men of various things and get them fired. Amazon keep it up for sale even after the complaints - https://www.amazon.com/How-Destroy-Man-Now-DAMN/dp/099982032X
Do you consider that to be fair play or a bridge too far?
If you think it's fair can you blame men for close the doors of opportunity in the faces of women out of pure self defence?
https://www.smh.com.au/business/workplace/wall-street-s-new-rule-for-the-metoo-era-avoid-women-at-all-cost-20181206-p50kh6.html
https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/the-inevitable-unintended-consequences-of-metoo/2018/12/04/9c7e0418-f80e-11e8-8d64-4e79db33382f_story.html
https://www.theaustralian.com.au/weekend-australian-magazine/metoo-now-for-the-pushback/news-story/754e9906c220cf62b0e26e03ce9bd8de?nk=c988cda4a1c31708bfe34d686be65589-1558001042
Anyone to saying it's fake
https://www.amazon.com/How-Destroy-Man-Now-DAMN/dp/099982032X
It is real: https://www.amazon.com.au/How-Destroy-Man-Now-Damn/dp/099982032X
Exactly. Once you have integrity and refuse to SIMP for women? Female friends usually won’t want to be around you. The ones that would be left are the ones you can hang out with. MGTOW is warning you that all romantic/sexual/marital relationships cost more than they are worth. And a female will do some horrible things and even if you have proof? You can’t leave.
False paternity
False allegations of rape and child abuse
Alimony
palimony
Child support
metoo
times up
The list goes on and on. Most women believe in feminism and that alone is a red flag. There’s a book on sale on amazon How To Destroy A Man Now
How much of your life are you willing to sacrifice? We’re not saying you can’t hang out. But know the warning signs and be ready to run.
Sorry for delay, just saw your question.
I found the books by Patricia Evans to be particularly helpful. They focus mostly on interpersonal relationships, but also discuss how the same tactics get used by institutions, largely religious. (In fact, I came across them while dealing with the aftermath of a toxic marriage. Her books helped me understand not just what had gone wrong in my relationship, but also why it had seemed so normal and familiar to me at first - because I'd been raised in that kind of family atmosphere, thanks to TSCC.
Also, a Google search for "mental abuse recovery" or similar phrasing turns up a ton of good information.
Great resources on verbal/emotional abuse (which almost always precede physical abuse): The Verbally Abusive Relationship, and Why Does He Do That?. Both books saved my life. Literally.
A link at the back of this e-book written by an ex-dub turned therapist
jwleaks is still available on its Wordpress site.
Omg you won't regret it!! There is the keys to your mental freedom!!! I also ordered this
https://www.amazon.ca/EXiting-JW-Cult-Handbook-Witnesses/dp/1508477132
Another therapist might be worth a try, perhaps one specialising in cult damage. In the meantime, this book is pretty great. Even cheaper in kindle edition. Where are you? Meeting with other ex-jws can be good too.
Very common symptom of religious trauma .
Try "EXiting the JW Cult: A Healing Handbook: For Current & Former Jehovah's Witnesses" ................ https://www.amazon.com/EXiting-JW-Cult-Handbook-Witnesses/dp/1508477132/ref=sr_1_30?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1550324746&amp;sr=8-30&amp;keywords=jehovah%27s+witnesses
CPS exists mostly for children that are victims of their parents, wouldn't you agree?
The almighty wiki:
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Child_abuse
Here's a good book: https://www.amazon.com/Child-Called-Childs-Courage-Survive/dp/1558743669
//www.rainn.org/statistics/children-and-teens
www.google.com/amp/s/www.theatlantic.com/amp/article/272459/
r/raisedbynarcissists
Have her read "A Child Called It". She may have saved that child's life, and certainly if DFS was able to act immediately, the child is better off out of that situation. How many children suffer because people noticed but don't act? She is not the one who "broke up a family"; the abusers are.
I once read a book called, "A child called it". One of the most upsetting books out there. Nauseating. I wanted to find that parent and beat them down.
http://www.amazon.com/Child-Called-Childs-Courage-Survive/dp/1558743669
>I do agree that people are reacting with far less rage because it's about my mother and not my father, and I will admit that part of the reason I'm torn about talking about this is that it is a lot weirder to admit to mother abuse than father abuse.
Which is one of the reasons that I think not only has abuse by females (aka 'mothers') -- and especially their abuse of daughters -- has been much more prevalent in the past than people are willing to admit, but that currently (recent decades) as a percentage of total overall abuse, it has probably been increasing (if only because I do believe that awareness -- even paranoia -- has substantially reduced abuse by fathers/males).
BTW, while it is a different form of "abuse" -- there is a book with the title "A Child Called It" about a boy who had a horribly physically and emotionally abusive-neglectful mother -- all the BS about "motherly instinct" somehow precluding women from ever being abusive is just that, BS. Mothers both CAN and in fact many DO abuse their children in an even broader and more pervasive and damaging way than their Fathers do.
> The Gift of Fear by a guy called Gavin De Becker
It's a free Kindle read with Amazon Prime. Thanks!
I would listen to your gut feeling. It's very important to realize that your subconscious can process a lot more information than your conscious mind can. Even if you quit the job, you can find another one -- it won't be as bad an effect on your life than if something bad connected to this guy happens.
So here are my recommendations:
If you're sick with worry and dread, listen to your subconscious and take care of yourself. There is an excellent book called "The gift of fear" by Gavin De Becker which deals with these issues.
What's bothering you seems not to be so much his legal status but that he's clearly not a well-balanced individual.
You can always just open random computers at other people's desks to the megan's law page with his picture if you want to build consensus. Normally I wouldn't be for this type of "behind the back" activity but you do have to pay attention to warning signs and take care of yourself, and building consensus is a great way to help deal with this.
Does he seem to take any kind of a personal interest in you?
Please read the book, The Gift of Fear. It is written by a man who professionally deals with stalkers and the advice is incredible.
Gavin deBecker in his "The Gift of Fear" says there is no need to fear flying. Its the drive to the airport that is much more dangerous. : )
Good read if you have time: https://www.amazon.com/Other-Survival-Signals-Protect-Violence/dp/0440508835/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1527557750&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=the+gift+of+fear
Arrive early, make a list and next time, ask your family doctor for a few Xanax. Flying is a common phobia.
I can relate to those feelings from the past. I hope you're doing ok.
What helped me a lot is this book: https://www.amazon.com/Drama-Gifted-Child-Search-Revised/dp/0465016901
As I read through it, two years ago; that's when my emotions began to return. It was tough going, but with every page I began to empathise with myself, more and more. I felt a lot of anger, to begin with; but that was a relief eventually. Because behind the anger was the beautiful kid I'd lost.
Me.
And then, everything began to come back to me. Slowly and peacefully.
It's been a difficult, but wonderful, two years; remembering myself. Reading Alice Miller's books was just the start for me. But, at the beginning, I found reading her work just as powerful as the MDMA in unlocking my missing feelings.
Now I have my feelings back. And my self back.
Good luck :)
Pete Walker wrote one of the definitive books on CPTSD - From Surviving to Thriving, and talks at length in his articles and published works about his own CPTSD journey and recovery.
Therapists are human beings at the end of the day, bringing their own trauma, experiences, hurts, healing, etc. to the table. I've had mostly neutral-to-bad therapy experiences in my life, for many reasons - some were not trained enough, some were apathetic. Others were outright harmful/dismissive, and just wanted a soapbox to preach from. Fortunately, the trauma-therapist I've found recently has been worth the wait and perseverance to find "one of the good ones."
I think a lot of what you're expressing is for the most part true and valid - Alice Miller's Drama of the Gifted Child is really a book by a therapist about therapists, in a sense - and why there is a tendency for people who have experienced mental health issues (either personally or through friends/family) to be drawn to psychology/therapy.
Another Alice Miller book I'd highly suggest is The Drama of the Gifted Child. It's not what you'd think based on the title. It's not about "gifted" children at all in the common/traditional sense.
Alice Miller is controversial in some circles. Of all of the psychology/mental health materials I've read in my life, her writings make a lot more sense than many of the others.
And I get the inherently evil thing. I have a temper raging under my skin sometimes that I just hold back. I'm not afraid of harming anyone physically, but I'd be putting napalm on the relationship between me and the other person. I don't get into yelling arguments with anyone because of this. If it gets to that point, I'm out.
Everyone in this thread commenting like this needs to read Alice Miller's "Drama of the Gifted Child". It's not about what you might think the title implies: special/gifted children. Rather, it's a devastating book about parent/child narcissism. It is very relevant to this discussion, and everyone I have convinced to read it was bowled over by it. It will have you really questioning your assumptions and make you delve into your own shit.
Your point about problems children face being propagated as adults (many times onto their children) is explored in the book Drama Of The Gifted Child by Alice Miller.
BTW, you write some of the most coherent and thoughtful posts I've seen on Reddit.
Humans are odd things. Sometimes things don't click. There's a reason, but sometimes (most) we just don't live long enough to figure out why.
r/rbnchildcare
I think the bottom line as a parent is that you need to respond to your child's needs and treat them as valid. That doesn't necessarily mean they get candy every time they want it, but you need to preserve your child's sense of self-determination and make every effort not to crush their will. For more information I recommend reading Alice Miller's book, The Drama of the Gifted Child.
I have a shelf full, but here are some winners for BPD:
Toxic Parents
Mothers Who Can't Love
Emotionally Absent Mother
Will I Ever Be Good Enough
Drama of the Gifted Child
Children of the Self-Absorbed
Another unsolicited recommendation: anything by Alice Miller such as The Inner Drama of the Gifted Child (ignore the title - it's misleading). She was a pioneering post-ww2 psychotherapist and has a lot of really interesting observations about how the complex dynamics of childhood and their long term effects.
Another book by Alice Miller that I found really insightful, although maybe not targeted at PTSD: The Drama of the Gifted Child
Edit: I see that it is already in the list! :-)
Yes, I remember this! A guest was with him on stage and he complimented the guest by saying that was one of these exceptional few. I think it was called something like "The Gifted Child"
EDIT: I googled and it's The Drama of the Gifted Child by Alice Miller. Do you think that's the one you were thinking of?
We can all struggle with that, so it is a normal thing to question our own value in my opinion. It's not normal in that situation to "realize" you are of "no value" and then trust that realization without reference... This is the equivalent of asking a dog about quantum theory and trusting the answer, but inside our heads this is what we in effect do. The emotional feeling of being worthless barks at our intellect, and our intellect interprets this as a truth, absurd when analyzed, so disregard it.
The Drama of the Gifted Child may be a good book to look at for you, interesting perspectives.
The moral emotions is an interesting read about why anger (or despair) can be so addicting and seem so "right" when it is happening.
The Happiness Hypothesis also by Jonathan Haidt is a great read about our emotions vs our intellect...
Tribe is a good read on finding where you fit, more related to soldiers and post combat, but apply it to your current situation and find your tribe.
Glad you are still with us, and no matter what you feel, you are not alone.
Edit: authors name from autocorrect purgatory...
http://outofthefog.net
Issendai
Drama of the Gifted Child
Why Does He Do That? (not limited to abusive males, btw)
As for taking her in? That should be a dealbreaker. She will absolutely force him to choose between you, overtly or covertly. She will make your life hell. You have to make that choice now; if he can't side with you, walk.
> https://www.amazon.com/Trauma-Myth-Sexual-Children-Aftermath/dp/0465022111
TLDR ?
I don't want to contradict anything your therapist is telling you, but I've been really helped by Trauma and Recovery and learning about complex-PTSD. Some of the descriptions are eerily accurate, and you might have a similar experience.
OK, since you're intelligent and interested in biology, you might be interested in studying yourself. The conventional way is through therapy and analysis, but there are alternatives. If you're scientifically inclined, it makes no sense to judge yourself outside of the science.
A few things you might find interesting:
Google talk (Dan Siegel) on mind/brain research and current thinking:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gr4Od7kqDT8&amp;feature=player_embedded
Judith Herman's book on trauma and recovery:
http://www.amazon.com/Trauma-Recovery-Aftermath-Violence-Political/dp/0465087302
I was similarly precocious as a child, but with abusive parents. Both parents and most siblings had/have substance issues. I did many years of therapy which helped me enough to have a successful career and family of my own. I never stop educating myself and pushing for deeper personal insights. My recovery from all that crap has given me a sense of purpose and a degree of satisfaction.
Exactly.
For more info on this:
IMHO books by or with essays by Bessel A. van der Kolk are great (some essays are available online for free), and I remember Judith Herman being useful too. Postmemory/trans-generational trauma/cultural trauma studies are another place to start. (That said, I don't know who the current leaders in the PTSD field are, I read these for school a little while back).
Otherwise imagine being a child, whose brain is at a very early stage of development, raised by a mother distracted by fear of the event (exacerbated by nightmares and flashbacks), whose own sense of safety and trust in others/society is damaged, and is thus generally distracted and continually or periodically emotionally disconnects from those around him/her (aka dissociation) .
The child may not even remember the event, but s/he will form his/her way dealing with problems by mimicking and learning from their mother's reactions. So either way, it is very likely this child will have psychological repercussions from the event. How extensive depends on the mother's coping mechanisms - currently or formed through therapy/cultural safeguards.
Yes--I can identify although I am sure there are differences. Sorry to hear you are struggling. I have tried to find meaning and connection in relating to others. I run daily. I also try to eat healthily. I wish you the very best. I find alanon meetings helpful and addiction was a part of my family life history. Some friends swear by individual and group therapy as well as EMDR and/or EFT. Individual therapy helps me as do alanon/ACA or ACOA (Adult children of dysfunctional or alcoholic families) meetings
I had experienced a recent traumatic event that was associated with many difficult emotional flashbacks. I wish you the very best and please know you are not alone.
I have read Judith Herman's book, Trauma and Recovery, plus she discusses stages of recovery.
I find Peter Walker helpful.
Also The Body Keeps the Score by van der Kolk has been insightful.
Meditation, yoga and breathing exercises are on my to do list--sonner rather than later.
✩ (that's supposed to be a gold star.)
Your father has some pretty big problems. Be strong and do what you need to do to take care of yourself, and that may mean seeking professional help from outside your family. Best of luck to you.
http://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553284347
Definitely an abusive father. He may not have physically hurt you, but otherwise this is the total template of an abusive relationship. May I recommend this book? http://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553284347
I highly recommend the book Toxic Parents. I was pissed when my girlfriend suggested it to me - both because I am of the opinion that 99% of self-help books are bullshit, and because she was suggesting that I have a 'toxic' relationship with my parents - but it turned out to be a very intelligent, well-written book that covers a wide range of situations in a manner designed to fix those relationships and to help adult children create an adult-to-adult (rather than child-to-parent) relationship with their parents. If I recall correctly it has some good advice regarding religious differences; as I am an atheist, and my parents are very religious (fundamentalist Protestant), it was very helpful for me.
Thank you for the reply. I agree that sources other than the journals themselves often misrepresent or exaggerate information. I have tried to find instances where the data is reported as presented in the research themselves. I know it is a long post, so if you are short on time I would recommend reading the last research paper presented authored by Murray Straus. It provides many more examples than my own searching and memory can produce.
The most prominent example that comes to mind is the "1 in 4 college women will be sexually assaulted" stat that is repeated often in media and by politicians. It originated from a survey conducted by Ms. Magazine and has gone on to inform public awareness campaigns, advocacy groups (including my local shelters), campus procedure, and political speeches. I can't find a link to the original report, although I think it is covered in I Never called It Rape. Christina Hoff Summers wrote a criticism of this research, and others, as well as the implications of the research in 1995 while at Clark University. Neil Gilbert of University of Minnesota also criticized the findings in in 1998.
One of Koss's other publications The Scope of Rape specifically only examines female victimization and male aggression. While I would not fault a researcher for having a narrow focus, it is worth questioning why that focus is narrow given the wider scope of the issue. A quote endorsed by Koss is presented on page 169: "It is difficult to believe that such widespread violence is the responsibility of a small lunatic fringe of psychopathic men. That sexual violence is so pervasive supports the view that the locus of violence against women rests squarely in the middle of what our culture defines as 'normal' interaction between men and women."
The Campus Sexual Assault Study Final Report published in 2007 provided support to Koss's report, stating a figure of 1 in 5. Primary criticism against the study informing policy include the validity of survey questions, variance in survey wording affecting outcomes, and response rate.
Another study, reported in Newsweek and published in the journal Violence and Gender (["...the first and only peer-reviewed journal focusing on the understanding, prediction, and prevention of acts of violence."(http://www.liebertpub.com/overview/violence-and-gender/620/)), claimed that 1 in 3 men would rape if they could get away with it. The study was found to be flawed in many ways, primarily that it reported a 1 in 3 ratio based even though the questionnaire used a sliding scale rating of 1 to 5. A correction was posted, but does not provide an abstract.
Another example would be the CDC decision to classify rapes of men by women as a separate category, "made to penetrate." That data can then reported to support the statement that women are raped more often than men since male vs. male rape is of a much lower rate than male vs. female in civilian population. The lifetime rates for men were not available due to small number of responses, but the 12 month prevalence for MTP was recorded alongside rape. The two numbers are within about 200,000 responses. Also note that the press release for this publication does not mention the victimization rates for straight men, and misrepresents a statistic for gay men by combining it with lesbians (and using hedging language (equal to or higher than). The NISVS home page only states the victimization rates for women in its description.
In regard to domestic violence, the prevailing understanding, at least at the public policy level, is that women are the large majority of victims. However, the late Murray Straus was involved in publishing several papers disputing that claim including Thirty Years of Denying the Evidence on Gender Symmetry in Partner Violence.... Published in Partner Abuse in 2010, it outlines the evidence of gender symmetry in partner violence, how that evidence has been obscured, possible explanations why evidence is obscured, and how obscuring evidence has negatively affected prevention and treatment programs. He includes specific examples of research including publications from the World Health Organization and government bodies.
Thank you for your time.
Before taking any of the claims presented in the article referenced in the OP into account, you need to take into account what the grant funding (Grant No. 2002-WA-BX-0011) was actually for. In this case the grant was for staff training and the development of an advocacy program [1]. It's also interesting to note that some of the grant funding appears to go towards a production of The Vagina Monologues and a performance by feminist activist hip-hop duo AquaMoon [1 pp 3].
Given that the grant application was made in January 2006 [1 pp 55], it is curious that they cited Mary Koss's 1985 Ms. Magazine Campus Project on Sexual Assault survey [2] and not the more recent 2000 Sexual Victimization of College Women study [3] performed by the National Institute of Justice which provides similar estimates.
The Koss study has been widely criticised, mainly because the researchers decided if the survey participants were raped, not the participants themselves.
> There are several reasons for serious researchers to question the magnitude of sexual assault conveyed by the Ms. findings. To begin with, a notable discrepancy exists between Koss's definition of rape and the way most women she labeled as victims interpreted their experiences. When asked directly, 73 percent of the students whom Koss categorized as victims of rape did not think that they had been raped. This discrepancy is underscored by the subsequent behavior of a high proportion of identified victims, forty-two percent of whom had sex again with the man who supposedly raped them. Of those categorized as victims of attempted rape, 35 percent later had sex with their purported offender.
>
> Rape and attempted rape were operationally defined in the Ms. study by five questions, three of which referred to the threat or use of "some degree of physical force." The other two questions, however, asked: "Have you had a man attempt sexual intercourse (get on top of you, attempt to insert his penis) when you didn't want to by giving you alcohol or drugs, but intercourse did not occur? Have you had sexual intercourse when you didn't want to because a man gave you alcohol or drugs?" Forty-four percent of all the women identified as victims of rape and attempted rape in the previous year were so labeled because they responded positively to these awkward and vaguely worded questions. What does having sex "because" a man gives you drugs or alcohol signify? A positive response does not indicate whether duress, intoxication, force, or the threat of force were present; whether the woman's judgment or control were substantially impaired; or whether the man purposely got the woman drunk to prevent her from resisting his sexual advances. It could mean that a woman was trading sex for drugs or that a few drinks lowered the respondent's inhibitions and she consented to an act she later regretted. Koss assumes that a positive answer signifies the respondent engaged in sexual intercourse against her will because she was intoxicated to the point of being unable to deny consent (and that the man had administered the alcohol for this purpose). While the item could have been clearly worded to denote "intentional incapacitation of the victim," as the question stands it would require a mind reader to detect whether an affirmative response corresponds to a legal definition of rape. [4]
The other interesting thing about the Koss study is that even though the title is gender neutral Hidden rape: sexual aggression and victimization in a national sample of students in higher education, the implementation isn't. It only looks at the incidence of rape of women, not the whole student population. The only thing that seems to be hidden is the rape of men by women.
> The data on the incidence and prevalence of sexual aggression and victimization after the age of 14 were obtained through the use of the 10 item Sexual Experiences Survey (Koss &Oros, 1982; Koss & Gidycz, 1985). This survey has been described as a self-report instrument that is designed to reflect various degrees of sexual aggression and victimization and is capable of identifying hidden rape victims and offenders from among a "normal" population. During actual administration separate wordings were used for women and for men. However, for purposes of demonstration, the female wording is presented in the following sample and the male wording is indicated in parentheses: "Have you ever had sexual intercourse when you (the woman) didn't want to because a man (you) used some degree of force -- such as twisting your (her) arm or holding you (her) down?" The text of all 10 items (female wording) can be found in Table 3 which is described fully in the results section. [2 pp 14]
Even though there appears to be numerous publications supporting the claims being made, the vast majority of these appear to have come from a single source, Acquaintance rape: The hidden crime [5]. Mary Koss' paper was included as a chapter in this book, there are also chapters from Malamuth, White and Humphrey, and Gidycz.
Now for some fact checking, some of the claims made in the article linked in the OP don't add up or are misrepresented.
> In a survey of male college students:
>
> + 35% anonymously admitted that, under certain circumstances, they would commit rape if they believed they could get away with it (ref 6,7).
> + One in 12 admitted to committing acts that met the legal definitions of rape, and 84% of men who committed rape did not label it as rape.(ref 6,7)
The 35% figure cited as coming from "survey of male college students" actually comes from a paper by Malamuth summarising six studies carried out by Malamuth and other researchers [6 pp 140]. The average incidence of men saying they rape if the believed they would get away with it is 35%, the thing is that the studies aren't necessarily comparable. Each study uses different scenarios, such as exposure to pornography, using media accounts that include violent descriptions, using media accounts that include non-violent descriptions, viewing a videotaped interview with a rape victim, and no exposure to any of the previously mentioned things at all.
The "One in 12" claim doesn't actually appear in the Malamuth paper, it comes from the book I never called it rape: The" Ms." report on recognizing, fighting, and surviving date and acquaintance rape which reports the findings of Mary Koss' campus sexual assault survey.
> Based on first-person accounts, scholarly studies and data from a nationwide survey of college campuses conducted by Ms. magazine, freelance journalist Warshaw draws a devastating portrait of men who rape women they know. The Ms. survey reveals that 25% of the college women polled have been the victims of rape or attempted rape, 84% of the victims were acquainted with the attacker and 57% of the rapes happened on dates. One in 12 of the male respondents admitted to acts that meet the legal definition of rape or attempted rape. Warshaw, herself the victim of an acquaintance rape, handles an inherently sensational subject with compassion and restraint. She describes and condemns the social milieu that condones such acts by encouraging men to see sex as conquest and women to view sexual coercion as part of the "dating game." There is realistic, practical advice on how women can protect themselves against attacks by acquaintances and on how men can prevent this type of rape. [7]
The two findings aren't even from the same survey or study.
If you are wondering why I chose to look into this in more depth, have a look at the author of the last reference on the page the OP posted, Heise, L.L. Reproductive freedom and violence against women: where are the intersections? J Law Med Ethics. 1993;21(2):206-216..
There is a book specifically about this. https://www.amazon.com/Allies-Healing-Person-Sexually-Abused/dp/0060968834
Dude, surfactants.
So, about your problem, I had a similar issue with dudes. But instead of getting all shaky and weird, I just got violent. Like, excessive play fighting. It was weird. My therapist helped me work through past trauma with a method called EMDR and she recommended this book which may or may not be relevant for you, but it helped me.
I found this useful.
I spent my 20s in relationships with people who had been abused. It was rather trying, but I didn't love them any less, or not want to be with them.
You absolutely can be in a relationship. Good luck.
I feel your pain. My wife was molested as a kid by her father from the ages of 4-10. I've known her since we were 15 and have known about it since then as well. I haven't read all the comments on here yet, and I'm sure that they are almost all great advice. Since my wife and I have talked about this for so long, I can tell you that your pain will never go away. You have to find a way to cope with it as it will always be there. The best way to do this is to talk about it. I would say that you talk about it as much as possible. Find someone that will listen, no matter who it is. I know you don't need someone to help you fix the situation (although I would suggest you talk to the authorities and turn your grandfather in...its never too late), but you do need someone to listen.
One of the best tools that helped both my wife and I cope with her situation is reading this book. I read it to know exactly how to talk and listen to her as well as to let her know that we are both in it together. There is a lot of insight as well as information in it to help.
That is all the advice I can offer. I hope that you find your method of coping. As I said, this unfortunately will never go away :(
"why does he do that" was an excellent book which helped me deepen my analysis and view of violence (and that comes after years on a sexual assault crisis line)
https://www.amazon.ca/Does-Inside-Minds-Angry-Controlling/dp/0425191656
good luck in your new position!
Don't talk to him. Threatening suicide is not about actually wanting to kill himself, it's about trying to gain control over you. If he wanted to do it, he'd do it. What he wants is to continue to emotionally torture you until you decide to get back together with him out of guilt or whatever. It isn't a healthy dynamic, and he's not your responsibility. Check out the book "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft. https://www.amazon.ca/Does-Inside-Minds-Angry-Controlling/dp/0425191656
Oh man. I've been where you're at. I found out my exes actively lied (and still do) about why other girlfriends and I left the relationship. You never deserved any of this abuse. I'm going to give the most straightforward answers I can:
> Was I emotionally abused?
Yes. BTW, throwing things counts as pre-battering abuse. Believe me, it would have only escalated. Verbal, emotional, and mental abuse are all precursers before throwing things and physical violence. I really recommend you read Why Does He Do That?. It helped me recognize some of the abuse that I had normalized and written off as "not abusive" because it didn't fit my mental stereotype of abusive people.
> He said that I was the most amazing and sweetest girl ever, and he would never ever hurt me. He wanted to marry me and take care of me. Were they true? Or did he fall in love with an idealistic projection of me?
Yes and no. The feeling was sincere, but the mechanics to follow through on that promise are nonexistent. He has already hurt you. When actions don't meet up with words, consider it a lie.
> Did I fail to be a partner by not staying? Should I stayed with him while he recovers from treatment?
No, you didn't fail him. The price of being abusive is that you lose the person you were abusing. Your only obligation is to take care of yourself. You are not responsible for his feelings. You are not responsible for how he chooses to act.
> My exbf said he would stay with me even if I was mentally ill and sick, and I was selfish because I couldn't do the same for him... Was he right?
Again, yes and no. Is it inherently selfish to put your needs in front of others? Yes. But most people also advise against hopping in to try and physically save a drowning man. They will pull you under to drown as well in their desperation. He's emotionally drowning, but he will pull you under. The selfishness to survive and escape a dangerous situation is a healthy reaction and the best decision.
> Another big reason I broke up was the fear. I fear that he has a very real potential of escalating the violence. I read somewhere that the biggest indicator for domestic violence was even asking this question. I don't know.
It might be. But honestly, as someone who didn't leave until after it escalated to physical abuse, I can tell you your story rings very familiar. Abusive people aren't abusive all the time, but there are stages. Emotional, mental, and verbal abuse groom you into accepting escalating abuse and violence. If he's at the stage of throwing things and you are scared, please give credence to the fear.
A final note: It's really hard to leave and very understandable that you have conflicting feelings. I really recommend that you save whatever evidence you have of the abuse. Do not talk to him on the phone, make sure any and all communication is in writing. Leaving will escalate the abuse because he'll be frantic at being abandoned. You can generally expect an enlightened moment where they admit they have issues, a lot of promises to do better, and then the cycle of abuse will continue into the honeymoon phase before the next abusive incident happens. It is going to be strange and confusing and will really hurt. Stick to your guns and get therapy if you need it. You are brave and smart and you got out! I'm really proud of you for getting out sooner rather than later and looking for help.
Edited because I forgot a sentence.
Lots of people. "Why Does He Do That?" talks about about several explanations, the two biggest being: the abuser escalates gradually so that by the time they do something overt the victim doesn't have the resources to fight back, and the process of "traumatic bonding" means that it can actually be emotionally harder to leave an abusive relationship than a healthy one.
Emotional abuse 100% he may or may not be a narcissistic. You cannot label him that. The label doesn’t matter and trying to name the type of abuse doesn’t matter either. What matters is you are being abused and are in a toxic situation. You need to leave ASAP or your sanity/ well being will deteriorate. In the end before I left, I couldn’t even recognize myself. I also started binging and purging as a way to feel in control of something, because with him somehow I lost all control of my life and who I was.
Please read this book, it helped me sooooo much.
https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656
I’m super late but hey neighbor!
Yeah, it’s definitely a case by case scenario thing.
There’s this book called The Gift Of Fear that I plan on giving to my niece when she gets to be a teen that basically teaches you how to follow your instincts in certain situations and stay safe. You got some time before your little one will be able to read it lol but maybe you can check it out and give him the same lessons as he grows up. I think that’s the route I’m going to take.
http://www.amazon.com/The-Gift-Fear-Gavin-Becker/dp/0440226198
you should read this book.
I'd just keep an eye out for warning signs and make sure you keep open communications with her. You've expressed your unease already so I'd keep quiet because if he is an awesome dude, it'll just be awkward, and if he isn't an awesome dude, he'll use it as an excuse to isolate her from you.
you could also do some sleuthing, google his name and see what information about him you can find. it might either reveal some bad past she didn't know about, or the fact that you don't find anything might give you a sense of ease.
Wow, I'm glad you're OK. That's really scary. I'm sure its totally normal to feel hypervigilant after that kind of trauma, so be gentle with yourself. Talk to your therapist, maybe they have some suggestions of exercises to do? Positive self talk, telling yourself you're OK, you're safe, when you're feeling scared. Or maybe go the active route and take a self defense class? Whatever you do, it will take time to feel normal again. And that's totally normal.
There's a great book called The Gift of Fear. Check it out
https://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Survival-Signals-Violence/dp/0440226198
Hang in there.
An excellent book on personal safety is Gavin de Becker's The Gift of Fear.
It's super-cheap now that it's in paperback. I highly encourage every woman to read this and to anyone else who is concerned for their personal safety.
The Gift of Fear
If you do read it, try not to freak yourself out. Some of the stories from victims are pretty rough but necessary to highlight potentially dangerous situations.
Usually dreams like that are about some sense of helplessness in your life. At earlier ages, they're the dreams about going to school totally naked. Or it is finals week and you have to go to a final for a course you forgot to go to all semester long. Or you get to that final and the exam is written in a language you don't understand.
When I was younger (and in high school), we lived in Ireland back when the IRA was actually doing home invasion murder/kidnapping, so this was something our family's friends actually had to plan and prepare for. Some of them worked for the British Embassy, so their homes were fortified. Each home had a bulletproof "safe room" (substantially similar to FEMA's tornado shelters except these were lockable from the inside) where the family could retreat into and lock until the police (actually the "special branch" at that time since the regular police force was not and still is not armed with firearms) could arrive. Other friends of my parents had fled Rhodesia (now called Zimbabwe) during that civil war and others fled Apartheid South Africa. Both countries had armed guerrillas and death squads, which we don't have in the US yet.
In any case, I strongly recommend reading the book The Gift of Fear (wikipedia summary). Many times your intuition (or gut feeling) is picking up signals that you are uncomfortable with. Or that you can't express verbally. And those dreams might just be warning signals that you're ignoring. Or they might just be you showing up to the final exam naked and unprepared (because you left your #2 pencil in your pants, wherever they are).
Other books that may help you to start to understand how violence my happen and what you can do to protect yourself (mostly it is never getting into such a situation, but sometime you can defuse it verbally) are Facing Violence (this book is focused on the onset of violence and dealing with the first few seconds) and Scaling Force: Dynamic Decision Making Under Threat of Violence (this book does show how voice and "presence" can prevent an ugly situation from escalating into violence). I recommend reading them before you sign up for self defense classes.
I'm kinda concerned for you that you think he was behaving normally and you just didn't like it because you're "not cut out to have a SO" or "set it your ways." This guy came on way too strong, to the point that I'd be really concerned about how he might behave with a girlfriend.
I'm worried that if you ever do set your mind to getting a boyfriend, you might end up in a dangerous situation because you'll blame red-flag behavior on "oh, I'm just weird and don't like the way guys behave." A book a lot of people recommend to help with this is The Gift of Fear—I've read it and I thought it was really good. Good luck!
A lot of people who don't regularly deal with police/law have a trust in them that I don't share. Restraining orders help you legally, but will not stop a determined stalker and could increase the emotional investment they have if they are mentally ill and feel their ego is threatened. Police generally place a pretty low importance on restraining orders regarding keeping a squad on standby for you, and a determined stalker will realize that the police are not very serious. Also know that police arrive to incidents after the fact, rarely before or during.
This guy is first and foremost looking for attention which he psychologically feeds off of. Don’t engage him, don’t talk to him, don’t even lash out at him since he gets fed off of ANY attention from you, positive or negative. The idea is that without any sort of stimuli he will get bored (a super shitty way of thinking about it, but people get bored and move on). Think about safety measures you could implement in your house (if you get a gun, please take some classes so you can actually use it in an emergency and don't get it taken from you), and avoid being alone/in unsafe areas.
The one exception to not engaging, is if he tries to physically stop/assaults you then you want to be as loud as possible and scream, be rude, bite, defend yourself and get away and call the police. Since assault is a criminal offense, they will be required to follow up/charge if you tell them he physically assaulted you.
For your safety I would follow these do’s and don’ts as they apply to you.
Buy the gift of fear, it covers what to do without involving police and is considered one of the best books on stalking. Its
$5 on amazon .
Edit: Document everything as well with a date/time what happened and who can verify if. Video proof works best just make sure that you save it in multiple places and keep the timestamp just in case police "lose it".
Assuming ghosted means "a conversation started and then they suddenly stopped replying before we got to a date" (which is actually better labeled "fading", IMO -- ghosting would be the equivalent for after at least one date), it's easy to understand how at least some fades can happen.
First and foremost, people tend to fade out of fear that a concrete "no" will lead to the other person lashing out or otherwise not accepting their answer. Same reason people give out fake numbers or the like, really. A part of the issue is social pressure to "be nice", but lack of knowledge on how to combine this with not wanting to go out with someone. Simply not replying can be the easiest option.
And then for some reasons people would want out:
Moving to a first date relatively quickly is ideal, IMO. But not too quickly, since you need to give the other person a chance to screen you a little. Personally, I'd say the ideal point is an hour or so of decently paced messaging back and forth (no more than a few minutes between messages). When the messaging gets stretched out, it's more awkward and harder to get "into" the messaging.
http://www.amazon.com/The-Gift-Fear-Gavin-Becker/dp/0440226198
I cannot recommend this book highly enough. It changed the way I go about my daily life. Seriously.
The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker is a really good book for you to read.
http://www.amazon.com/The-Gift-Fear-Gavin-Becker/dp/0440226198
First and foremost DO NOT CONTACT THE STALKER. If you contact him, in his twisted mind he sees the price of attention is the behavior that he's done. It sets the clock back to zero. If he was willing to follow you around for 10 years, think of it as an invitation for him to follow you around for at least 10 more.
I'm so sorry. I've learned that it's hard to say "no" to the Ns in my life but it gets easier with practice. When they tell you to do something, you can respond with "I'm sorry I can't; I have a prior engagement" and then say, "I have to go," and hang up the phone.
You may want to read The Gift of Fear. It's a great book that dissects the many ways people try to manipulate others. One of the best lessons I got from this book is "People who can't hear the word 'no' are trying to control you."
Good luck to you!
Also along those lines, The Gift of Fear.
Ever heard the term "It's all in your head"? That is one reason. Women AND men are conditioned to not rely on their instinct. We don't hunt, gather or run from prey anymore. There is not much reason to protect our children from hungry animals in the night. The population is on auto pilot. Everyone not only has an agenda but they have to be right. If you think for yourself (intuition) you are going against the status quo.
Sometimes the logic can get you into trouble and other times it goes hand in hand with our intuition.
Check out this book if you're interested in knowing more: The Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker it explain some of the reasons why men and women, particularly by gender ignore their instinct.
For OP and others in this thread, check out the book The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. It's a really interesting book, and the title comes from the wisdom that when you are in a situation and are afraid without knowing quite why it probably means you have unconsciously picked up on some signals that raise a red flag and you should take them seriously. "It takes a lot to creep me out but this guy had a certain vibe to him" sounds like a case study from this book. Run!
Look at this as a good life lesson that could save you in the future!
This comment may get lost because there’s so many, but I hope you see it. After reading your account I think you really should read this https://www.amazon.com/dp/0440226198/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_t1_9zXbBbWFZN0PH . I learned enough from it that I believe it saved my life once. Do not ever ignore that bad feeling in your gut, and do not ever think you have to be polite.
Here is a link to a book my counselor recommended https://www.amazon.com/Other-Survival-Signals-Protect-Violence/dp/0440508835/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1518390076&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=the+gift+of+fear+book
To the OP... and every other person reading this thread....
Please go out today and get a copy of Gavin de Becker's book, "The Gift of Fear".
The information in that book is as valuable as any strike or self-defense technique. Maybe more.
Get those books today and read them.
OP, as far as your anxiety and paranoia, they are completely normal and expected. These feelings will likely fade pretty quickly. I might also suggest you look into Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for some practical strategies you can use to help you cope and conquer.
I wish you well.
Fantastic recommendations here. I can't add much (just a couple), but I'll also summarize the "top picks" in my opinion with links:
And finally, I like this summarizing post from the Art of Manliness. It takes a lot of the core concepts from multiple sources above and distills everything down into a fairly easy-to-read article.
I just finished Gavin de Becker's "The Gift of Fear" this weekend and your post reminds me of a his chapter on people who seemingly don't let up. He references a situation in which a business owner was being harassed by a prospective biz partner, but I could totally see my Ndad's behaviors in it, as well as the usefulness of the advice he gives. De Becker basically says that the best way to deal with people and situations like this is simply not to engage at all. The person will fume and rant and persist, but if you deny them what they want -- a reaction and attention -- they eventually stop. It's an excellent read not only for how to deal with narcs, but also how to recognize and validate your own instinctual gut feelings.
Also, pick up The Gift of fear by Gavin de Becker sometime and read it, it's interesting and talks about how important your gut instincts are.
I don't like the term "Greyman" but this is how I have lived my life every day since I was about 27, so 30 years now. My interpretation of grey man is simple: Don't be an asshole, don't stand out in a crowd.
While I am a huge 2nd Amendment supporter, I own many guns, I shoot almost every week - thousands of rounds per year. I rarely carry a weapon, if I am it is concealed. There are too many places I regularly go that it is not allowed and many where it is illegal or impossible to bring a weapon. I have come to realize that in my world I do not have a need for a weapon. No, I am not some badass, I am not a big guy, not imposing at all. I do however understand violence and how to avoid it but also how to use it if I have no way to escape.
I have some book recommendations for learning and implementing this philosophy:
" The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals that Protect Us From Violence" by Gavin De Becker
" When Violence Is the Answer: Learning How to Do What It Takes When Your Life Is at Stake" by Tim Larkin
" Escape The Wolf: A Security Handbook for Traveling Professionals" by Clinton Emerson
There is a book that shares this theory, called "The Gift of Fear."
> I don't know about a restraining order. They've been known to make situations worse
yeah I read that oft times a restraining order sometimes will set off a violent reaction in a stalker. there's a good book about how to deal with those types of people it was called "The Gift of Fear".
https://www.amazon.com/Other-Survival-Signals-Protect-Violence/dp/0440508835
Buy the book The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals that Protect Us From Violence. Highly recommend it.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0440508835/ref=cm_sw_r_sms_c_api_sbD8BbPSYA3ZW
There's a book you both should read from an expert on the subject -- http://www.amazon.com/Other-Survival-Signals-Protect-Violence/dp/0440508835
It is THE book on dealing with a stalker and other security issues. Bottom line is Abolutely. No. Contact. with the stalker.
I strongly suggest you get and read The Gift of Fear.
I think people are downvoting you because this attitude is quite unhealthy, but I'm upvoting you because it's very understandable that this is very difficult.
You still have to leave him though. What he is doing is abuse, it will not end well for you if you stay with him. Being single after being in a relationship for so long will probably suck, but it will suck a lot less than either getting pregnant or otherwise being stuck in a relationship where you're both going to start hating each other more and more.
You might not believe me that he's actually abusive. I reccomend you read this book then make up your own mind. Your comment about women being more suitable so you can feel more in control? ANY non abusive partner will never make you feel not in control of your own life.
I'll say it again: leave him. Read the book first if you aren't convinced but you have to eventually or you will never be as happy as you should be.
> I feel overwhelmingly guilty that I am ruining his life.
> If he made me cry from screaming at me
> I used to call them when he'd start scaring me really bad
> he wouldn't let me go celebrate
> He told me I was too sensitive
> He screamed at me
> he proceeded to use it for about 8 months without my knowledge
> I wanted something we both liked but that wasn't an option
> I wasn't allowed to be on my phone unless he was
> my feelings are invalidated
> He never let me spend money on myself
> act like he was such a philanthropist for childrens charity
> Would pressure me into having kids
> based his happiness on "things"
> He lost it when I got my old bed and a few items I had pre-marriage
> He wants me to pay for two of his credit cards and pay him alimony on top of all of this
> he bought a brand new laptop that month
> He also wants to get 75% of the profit from the house
Just wanted to pull these and make sure they are starkly listed out. Your husband is incredibly abusive. I am SO excited for the life you will have without him in it! :D What has helped me to feel better/less guilty is to thoroughly research narcissism. Once I understood that my N was a complete vampire and was just using me for adoration and power trips, my guilt began to recede. There are some good links in the sidebar, and there's a list of books that people have found helpful there, too. The most popular is "Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds Of Angry And Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft.
Also, start doing things for you. Do things you like or care about. It doesn't sound like he's given you much of a chance to do them. Best of luck, and feel free to hang out in this community! It's been super helpful for me as well as many others.
Stay strong - I'm so glad to hear it's over. These 2 books have helped me a lot, I would suggest them for your situation:
http://www.amazon.com/Narcissistic-Lovers-Cope-Recover-Move/dp/0882822837
http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656
So, please read "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. Amazon has the intro and first two chapters for free. You can read that except here by scrolling down to the "About this item" section. Please, please, please at least read the excerpt.
The book has a glaring flaw of not recognizing that women can abuse men just as much as men can abuse women. However outside of that it is a brilliant book about dealing with controlling men.
It is easier to get out sooner rather than later, and much easier to get rid of him before he convinces you to let him move in and control your finances. And definitely easier now than it will be if you get pregnant.
Read that book, and tell him to go.
Read this book, it will help. Also if you're a uni student your school should have therapists on staff, go see them. Trust me on that one, it will save you a lot of pain in the future. Even if you're not most therapists will be more then willing to charge you based on a sliding scale per income.
I've heard good things about a book called Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. It's helped some of my friends find some peace after getting out of nasty relationships, maybe it will help you too.
Have you heard of a book by Lundy Bancroft? “Why does he do that? Inside the minds of Angry and controlling men?”
book Lundy Bancroft
He is an expert on abusive relationships. When i left my situation it helped me to much to read his book and understand the tactics that are used to keep us trapped in that cycle. Also, he describes different types of abusers and the ones who are most dangerous and most likely to get very violent when you leave. What happened with me is I had had enough. I was tired enough. I was scared enough. It was almost just survival. The last fighting part of me gave me the strength to leave. But.. i will say beforehand there were certain steps i took. Like you asking this on here. That’s a step. I started reaching out for help. I went to our local crises center that has a great program called the abused persons program and i forced myself to go there and speak to a counselor. I was gut level honest and told her i was there to say what was happening to me and that I knew that my ex could/ would kill me. I wanted someone to know who it was if i was killed, I also said I knew i wasn’t ready to leave him. But i was hoping that i would get more strength from coming there. I did. One night after a particularly scary incident where he held a knife to my throat for hours. Basically held me hostage, i decided that was it. I drive over to the crises center and said i was ready to press charges. They had an arrangement with local law enforcement where you went to a special domestic violence centered place to do it so it didn’t have to be a male police officer in just a reg station. I did it and I followed through. All the way through a full jury trial and testifying against him. I knew the statistics that the majority of women drop charges and go back. Or don’t follow through. I decided I was going too. So,I did. I was told he was very dangerous by sex/homicide detective but I accepted that and I knew I was going to do what I needed to do. It sounds like if he is injuring you that badly it has escalated to a dangerous level. I was there too. I knew he was likely to kill me if i stayed. So I had nothing to lose. I got help even before I was ready to leave. I educated myself about the abuser personality, and my part in it. I learned about the cycle of abuse and how there is always the honeymoon period where the abuser “woos you back.” After the abuse episode. It made me come out of my denial. I basically took little tiny steps. Bc that was all i could do.. but they added up until i could leave.
NTA. These are some serious red flags. He's reckless, rude, and he doesn't care about you (or anyone else). He doesn't care about your safety or comfort. I was with a narcissist for 24 years, and while I don't know enough about him to say for sure, he certainly fits the bill. He treats you like shit. There is no way you can word any suggestion, let alone a complaint, that won't piss him off. I highly recommend you read this book. https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656 I'm betting you will see a lot of similarities to your husband. I can also hook you up with some support groups if you're interested. Shoot me a message if you want.
There's a great book called "Why Does He Do That?" that at some point says that abuse is not a psychiatric illness, but a value system where abusers prioritize their agency over their victims - and furthermore that the psychiatric community was complicit in victim-blaming (excerpt on page 279, look for the bit about Sigmund Freud). I couldn't find a totally apropos quote and I can't find my copy of the book at the moment, but here the author, Lundy Bancroft, addresses the inability to apply a psychiatric label to abuse:
> The basic reference book for psychiatric conditions, the Diagnotic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV), includes no condition that fits abusive men well. Some clinicians will stretch one of the definitions to apply it to an abusive client -- "intermittent explosive disorder," for example -- so that the insurance will cover his therapy. However, this diagnosis is erroneous if it is made solely on the basis of his abusive behavior; a man whose destructive behaviors are confined primarily or entirely to intimate relationships is an abuser, not a psychiatric patient.
Another way to think of it is to look at the definition of a mental disorder:
> A mental disorder, also called a mental illness or psychiatric disorder, is a behavioral or mental pattern that causes significant distress or impairment of personal functioning
>
> - Wikipedia
With abuse, the distress or impairment isn't personal but targets someone else.
Full excerpt: https://books.google.com/books?id=xEZIpu3SVvcC&amp;lpg=PP1&amp;vq=psych&amp;pg=PA39#v=onepage&amp;q=dsm&amp;f=false
Highly recommend the book.
I don't know that I'm navigating life all that well, but some little things have helped and why not share with the class? I think I have underlying mental health issues (depression, anxiety) worsened by trauma (rape, attempted rape which morphed into PTSD, I think) and a narcissistic dad.
Here are a few helpful ones:
Sexual healing, literally https://www.amazon.com/Sexual-Healing-Journey-Guide-Survivors/dp/0062130730
https://www.amazon.com/Healing-Sex-Mind-Body-Approach-Sexual/dp/1573442933/
PTSD and trauma: https://www.amazon.com/Body-Keeps-Score-Healing-Trauma/dp/0143127748/
Shitty men: https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656/
Shitty parents: https://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553381407/r
https://www.amazon.com/Gifts-Imperfection-Think-Supposed-Embrace/dp/159285849X/
A Buddhist reminder that to live is to suffer: https://www.amazon.com/When-Things-Fall-Apart-Anniversary/dp/1611803438
Brene Brown, duh: https://www.amazon.com/Power-Vulnerability-Teachings-Authenticity-Connection/dp/1604078588
(All the eating disorder books I read have been useless, and I am probably depressed and I'm certainly anxious but the literature on that never quite fits.)
Okay, that's prob good, right?
> I don’t know what to do. I kinda want to leave and stay somewhere else. I don’t want to see him. Why would he does this to me? I don’t know what to think. What should I do? I love him but I think this is crazy.
https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656
These guys are con men, they do that intentionally. It's not you. It's a tactic they use to throw you off balance to keep you doubting yourself, trying to please them and under control. Read anything by Lundy Bancroft, but in particular this one:
https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656
Good luck!
https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656
There's a book and abusive relationships called Why does he do that, and it has a section all about what the abuser gets out of it. And there are actually a lot of things.
One that struck me was that being an abuser means it's easier to get what you want. You don't ever have to make real compromises either. They agree to do what you want, you agree to cut back a little on the abuse.
So, it's a way to avoid being an equal contributor in a relationship, and avoid responsibilities.
EDIT: Here is the book on Amazon. Under $10 for the paperback version. If you're thinking of getting it for a friend that is in an abusive relationship, get it shipped to yourself, and read it (or at least read the last chapter) before following through with giving the book to them.
Read that book, "Why Does He Do That?", both enlightening and totally depressing. TL;DR it's about power and control. If someone brought up an issue with your behavior you'd probably work with them to solve that problem because your top goals are a quality relationship where the other person is happy. But when your top priority is power and control (because your ego is too weak to let yourself be real, you equate being giving with "pussy whipped") then you'll manipulate, deny, do whatever it takes to not own up to your behavior because the smallest admission of fault weakens your position.
Also, he projects/assumes you're like him, that your issues are just a power play, that you're looking at others, duplicitous, because he is. If he'd let himself be at all self-analytical he'd see how irrational and counterproductive his behavior/jealousy is, but self-reflection is too risky for his ego. And he wants to have some distance, too, to be free to see other women and even blame you for that ("we were on a break!")
Don't fall into the trap of demonizing his other women. He pulled the same crap with them.
This is why even after I'm divorced AP'll stay my lover, never a boyfriend (which is fine bc after marriage I don't want a man's dirty socks on my floor any time soon again if ever).
I curse my sexual needs. Were it not for them I could still be married to a good guy and I wouldn't put up with AP's antics for 5 minutes.
No not weird at all! Am happy to share knowing it'll help you. I remember being where you are ~2years ago now. I was very confused and in denial for so long, I doubted my own perceptions because they were masters at making me feel like I was simply just crazy. There's an overwhelming amount of resources online about narcissistic abuse, and even how pwBPD and pwNPD are drawn to each other in the "toxic dance" of feeding into each other's sickness. Don't get too caught up in reading those sites, it's important to educate yourself but it's also all too easy to become obsessed and staying locked in a victim mentality instead of moving forward.
Do not question yourself. If it's one thing I learned from all my abusive relationships it's to ALWAYS TRUST YOUR GUT. My body knew early on that something felt off, I would have these fleeting moments where I felt distinctly unsafe and deeply unsettled but having no idea why or where it came from. It just took my mind a lot longer to catch up and figure out what was going on.
For me, the hard part wasn't figuring out the abuse though. The hard part was actually getting out of it. I researched, I obsessed, I rationalized- I did Olympic levels of mental gymnastics to convince myself of reasons to stay. That maybe they're just sick, and I'm sick, and we could help each other by just staying together and fighting through it. It took me months before I fully accepted reality and went no contact. The turning point for me was realizing that the abuse would never stop, those kind of abusers do. not. change. I highly recommend reading "Why does he do that?" By Lundy Bancroft
https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656
The author is a counselor specifically for abusive men, he has experience with thousands of abusers and he wrote this book to educate and give insight into the minds of these guys. He lays it out in the first chapter, abusers don't change (it's extremely rare, and more often than not, the change is temporary). This book was the game changer for me, it helped me understand that abuse isn't some uncontrollable symptom of a mental illness-- it's a choice. It's about power and control, power and control that abusers do not and will not give up. Really knowing that is what gave me the strength to say no more.
Sorry this got so long and wordy, if you have any questions about anything don't hesitate to ask. I also really want you to know that you are a beautiful and worthy human being who deserves to be loved and respected<3
Give them this book: Why Does He Do That? Inside the Mind Of Angry and Controlling Men
It worked for my mother.
Lundy Bancroft has some great books that focus on DV. Why Does He Do That is a good place to start.
My bad I thought I added a link
https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1525474328&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=abusive+relationship+books
Read up on emotional abuse and physical abuse. Classic behavior. I think you should suspend the engagement and put off the wedding until she get counseling and these incidents don't happen for at least two years. Really really long time. If you don't want to break up with her, that is. Send her a very clear signal that this is not acceptable, with all the excuses in the world. The excuses mean absolutely nothing if she does the same thing again in a few months.
Really, read this book: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft..
Next time she starts a fight, I would let her hit you, get the police and get her in jail. It may be rough, she needs to learn that that's not a way to treat her husband.
Thanks for sharing man.
Your post and these lines in particular
> I thought for a moment about crossing the street a second time once I reached the other side, but there still seemed to be a significant amount of foot traffic and I did not want to appear racist or like I was obviously attempting to avoid them. That was my first mistake.
and
> I didn't listen to my gut instinct about a situation - evolution has honed those instincts into us all for a reason, it served our ancestors well, and we should respect it. Screw society or perceived racism. I will not end up as a victim again because I'm afraid of hurting someone's feelings.
reminds me of a great book I read, The Gift of Fear, by Gavin DeBecker. I ignored the author's antigun bias and got a lot of good things from reading it. This is a solid book and one I gift/recommend to many of my female friends in particular.
She definitely took advantage of you. Not cool. :(
> ... care aide worker ...
>
> If the situation was reversed and it was an Older Man picking up a very drunk and very financially poor woman and then offering sketchy drugs and accepting oral sex while that woman was still really drunk and high, when she did not realistically have the means to get home safe, then that man would be reviled and possibly charged with crimes, possibly tossed from his job, especially if he worked with vulnerable persons.
>
> But I dont really think anyone will belive me, or hear me.
It might be worth a try.
Telling her company
You could report the matter to her company. If you do this, you could start with her boss. If this doesn't help, you could gradually work your way up the chain of command, even to the CEO of the company or your state or province's department of health. It might not work, but it still might be worth trying.
Trauma therapy
If you want money for trauma therapy and/or other professional counseling:
Unwanted romantic pursuit
/u/TakeOnMe-TakeOnMe is right. We don't yet know whether or not she actually will stalk you.
The book The Gift of Fear has some good advice about dealing with unwanted romantic pursuit and/or stalking, in case it does happen. See, for example, the chapter, "Persistence, Persistence". Your local public library system probably owns lots of copies of the book; the paperback is about $5 on Amazon.
I think it'd be useful to tell her, once, early on, that you're not romantically interested in her at all. You can explain that this is because you two are "not a good match".
Your drinking
Early in your post, you expressed dismay about your drinking. If you want to cut down or quit, and you want suggestions, please let me know.
Postscript
Please keep us updated.
I second having OP read "The Gift of Fear" . My mom made me read it when I was a teenager, and it was eye-opening and very liberating.
Plus it's a good read, not difficult or boring at all.
Please give it a look, OP. Check it out from your local library or find a pdf online.
If 98% of the population was Muslim then the crime rate wouldn't be rising so rapidly. It's the culture clash causing the problem.
My post is in cultural manipulation. It's not something you'd be consciously aware happening. You'd just find yourself instinctively stepping to the defense of migrant criminals when someone is attempting to hold them accountable for their actions. You'd find yourself assuming someone is just a bigot when they infer a correlation between migrants and crime. If you ever even considered the possibility migrants and crime might be related you'd never say that shit outloud because you'd feel ashamed of your racist intrusive thoughts. That's not what racism is, but actually that's your primal fear instinctively trying to save you from a potentially chaotic situation.
https://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Survival-Signals-Violence/dp/0440226198
The Rape Recovery Handbook: Step-by-Step Help for Survivors of Sexual Assault
This guide applies to other sexual assault encounters. There's different exercises that can help you work through your emotions. At first it might seem to make you feel worse and cause a lot of crying, but it helps you go actually work through your emotions and maladative thoughts. This book helped me a lot.
You will get through it. (: stsy strong!
As a sexual assault survivor who struggled with liking sex and dealing with the aftermath, I understand some of what you're going through.
Therapy helped me. It really did. Before I could bring myself to actually go, though, I read a book called The Rape Recovery Handbook that helped me tremendously. It let me work through some of my most difficult feelings until I felt comfortable enough to be vulnerable with another person.
If finding affordable therapy is difficult, I have a few friends that use TalkSpace and they swear it's a very good alternative. You chat with licensed therapists.
At any rate, I hope that you are healed from your experience soon. The path is rough, but if you and your girlfriend are committed, it can help bring you closer together.
>
I got the impression that she understands why I contacted him and doesn't hold it against me, but I think the damage is done - she knows now that if I think she's going to go through with it I'm not afraid to try and intervene from afar, and as I said, she would not agree to contact me before taking any drastic steps.
From where she stands, suicide is her ticket out of the pain. You getting her to stop it is like trying to take away her comfort. This is her perspective. So, that is the reason she lashed back. She probably would give anything to have someone to talk to. That is why it is important for you to gain the trust back. The damage is done, but not permanent. Try talking to her saying that you panicked and did whatever you did. I am pretty sure she will respond positively. Try to get her out of it till you get back. Once you are in town, you can personally talk it out. Until then just ask her not to do anything. Ask her to wait it out for the next few weeks.
>
I take it you don't think I should involve anyone else in this?
That is a tricky one. Getting people involved will be adding social and peer pressure on the girl. She might or might not like it. The effect of getting someone involved would entirely depend on the girl. If she did not like your room mate talking to her about it, she MIGHT prefer to be left alone. Again, I may be totally wrong here. But I know this is an important issue. So maybe with more inputs I can get a better picture.
>
The other roommate I mentioned has had a similarly troubled upbringing - an abusive mother and series of step-fathers, kicked out of his home at 16 before bouncing around until entering university where we met. He and A have known each other even longer than her and I have known each other, and I think he could be very helpful (I'm fairly sure that he has talked her through suicidal thoughts once in the past).
Having experience with this issue is definitely helpful. Is he comfortable with his past? If yes, he may be of great help. If he too is struggling then there are chances that he may be having trouble helping here.
>
I just don't know where the line is between keeping her confidence and trying to get her the help that she needs.
Right now it is very important to keep her confidence. You can always help her when you get back. As you are far away, it would be difficult to get the right kind of help. Not getting the right kind of help may do more harm than good.
>
This is the hardest part to puzzle out from my perspective. She has found her passion, cooking, and has been a chef for years (finishing her second year of culinary school right now). From the outside, she appears to have totally conquered all of the negative influences which she comes from... but this hasn't brought her peace of mind, and her past continues to haunt her. If there were obvious, solvable problems, I would have a much better idea of how to help, but she seems to have a handle on her problems yet gets nothing but anguish from her everyday life.
Her problems are caused by stuff that happened in her past. Trauma from her childhood is the reason she suffers today. It is the absence of a healthy childhood that needs to be addressed. This book may help!
The trouble with this is that we cannot go back in time and undo the hurt. That is why it seems so impossible to get over it. But it can be gotten over really well.
When a kid is growing up, the brain learns stuff and it sort of accepts to be universal truths. Once into adulthood, we subconsciously keep running off of those old threads. A happy healthy kid turns out into a happy healthy adult. A miserable kid turns out to be a miserable adult. The latter case might hold true for the girl. The way around this is to realize that you are not a product of your past, that each day is a new day.
Hope I helped. Please do PM me if you need to talk.
Thanks.
Hi Rachel - check out the work of Dr. Jonice Webb on "Childhood Emotional Neglect," which seems to have a lot of crossover with C-PTSD. Her books are "Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect" and "Running on Empty No More: "
https://www.amazon.com/dp/161448242X/ref=cm_sw_em_r_mt_dp_U_3eCFDb87VAS24
https://www.amazon.com/dp/1683506731/ref=cm_sw_em_r_mt_dp_U_DhCFDb88WPT3W
OP, this book was helpful for me. It might be good for you too.
Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect https://www.amazon.com/dp/161448242X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_-wkjzbACDSG5N
I wish you all the best, and thanks again for introducing me to the term. I've been reading online about recovery tips and such, and it's very helpful. I really appreciate your post. Good luck! : )
Edit: Oh, and I wanted to share a book I noticed about it during my googling. I don't know if it's good, but I wanted to tell you it exists. Good luck!
For me personally, a lot of the reason infertility was and has been so difficult, is because of the emotional neglect I experienced as a child. While I had come a long, long way emotionally since I've been an adult, I still hadn't yet mastered how to process and deal with my emotions. In a way that sounds simple, but for me it wasn't at all obvious or easy to figure out, even though I had spent years trying to resolve various past traumas, thinking patterns, behaviors, etc.
Infertility, compounded with other issues, pushed me to the brink, and along with learning about new (to me) therapies and actually find a good therapist who I respect and trust, I was able to come to a turning point in how infertility was affecting me. For me it wasn't "just" the infertility, it was related to many areas and previous past traumas in my life. It was related to feeling completely alone and isolated as a child and teen, when I had zero emotional support or connection with my family. Deep down I feel as if I have no family. Based on my beliefs about what a parent should be, I have no parents.
It's amazing and wonderful to think that you can just create your own family, and give your children the things you were never given (emotional connection), but when that chance is taken away from you, you no longer have that opportunity to heal the past in the present, you no longer have the opportunity to have what you always wanted deep down: emotional intimacy, a (real) family, etc.
I don't know if any of that will resonate with you, but if you're interested, the way I made the most progress was by reading the books:
I used to have low self-confidence, self-esteem, self-worth, and self-respect. This book helped me go from knowing something wasn't quite right about how I felt about myself, to truly understanding and believing that I'm fundamentally acceptable as a human being even if there are many ways in which I should try to improve. Since then, I turned my life around in a relatively short space of time (months). It's all just a start, of course, but a start in the right direction.
That said, if the denotation of self-doubt is "lack of confidence in oneself and one's abilities", then I still have doubt in my abilities. But I don't think that is a terribly bad thing.
Here's a book about emotional neglect that I found very helpful. My therapist likes it too. The last third (solutions) is a little weak, but it helped me understand why emotional neglect was so debilitating for me.
http://www.amazon.com/Running-Empty-Overcome-Childhood-Emotional/dp/161448242X
I can relate to what you are writing. I've been asking myself "Is this all there is?" over and over again. After years of meticulously trying to bring various areas of life under control, I finally reached a state where things felt unexpectedly stable and secure - and suddenly I found myself dearly longing for some mystery in my life.
I don't have a solution yet, but I feel like I'm on my way to find one, finally. The piece of information that got the ball rolling for me was to learn about 'emotional neglect' and its effects and the skills you need to learn to make up for what you have been missing early on in your life. Like in this book, for example. I've started to get better in touch with my emotions and my inner life since and this had an enormous impact on all areas of my life. I felt the need to reevaluate and examine nearly everything (career choices, relationship, friends, hobbies...) and many parts of my life have been in the process of turning upside down since.
For me the solution is all about changing the paradigm from avoiding stress, pain and discomfort to pursuing passion and excitement (and first of all, finding something that makes me passionate and excited about it). Moving towards something instead of running away from something. I suspect unfortunately it won't work without letting go of a good amount of the previously installed safety measures (at least this is my experience so far), which I find really scary and this outlook prevented me from taking any action for a long time and still paralyzes me frequently. But whenever I manage to take my feelings seriously and act on them, I denfinitely can't complain anymore that life would be dull.
I highly recommend the book 'Running on Empty' by Jonice Webb. It's helped me fill the void... And understand the void.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/161448242X?keywords=running%20on%20empty&amp;qid=1456957926&amp;ref_=sr_1_1&amp;s=books&amp;sr=1-1
Sorry for the sloppy link... On mobile.
OK. you need these things:
loveisrespect.org
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B000Q9J0RO/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&amp;btkr=1
You can also get a free pdf of Why Does He Do That? online pretty easily if you search.
>I'm torn because I feel it is my fault for not getting cooking lessons and driving lessons much earlier.
Cooking. Does he cook for you? or are you the only one in this "relationship" who is expected to cook?
>Is it my fault that he's turned out this way?
No.
And you haven't answered my earlier question: why aren't you aware that you don't have to put up with being treated like shit? Is this how your father treats your mother? Has anyone in your life modeled a healthy romantic relationship?
Tell her to read these books The Sexual Healing Journey and Why Does He Do That. These have helped me greatly with healing from similar things your mother has been through and has spend up the healing process.
Anyone having gone through sexual assault or domestic violence will benefit greatly from these books.
I know you said you've already gone someplace safe but that is the most dangerous time for someone leaving an abusive relationship.
Look at this list and see how many points your relationship meets. http://www.abuse-against-women.com/abuse_checklist.html
Consider reading the book "Why Does He Do That?" https://www.amazon.com/dp/B000Q9J0RO/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&amp;btkr=1
Consider joining a group for spouses leaving abusive relationships. The more similar stories you hear from others, the less likely you will be to go back to your abuser.
Did you know Amazon will donate a portion of every purchase if you shop by going to smile.amazon.com instead? Over $50,000,000 has been raised for charity - all you need to do is change the URL!
Here are your smile-ified links:
here
---
^^i'm ^^a ^^friendly&nbsp;bot
In the book Why does he do that abuse counselor Lundy Bancroft explains; That while abuse in the home had no bearing on whether a child would become an abuser or not, the most violent of domestic abusers were abused as a child.
According to the US HHS woman are the primary abusers of children, and are most likely to murder their children (resulting in the highest demographic of murdered women to be children) .
Women are culpable in helping create violent abusers, and also are killing scores of women (well...defenseless little girls, but still gets tacked onto homicide statistics). So I don't think we should be patting women on the back saying just keep doing what you're doing and focusing the blame on solely men.
https://childprotectionresource.online/mothers-are-more-likely-to-abuse-children-than-fathers-fact/
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B000Q9J0RO/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1
https://www.statista.com/statistics/251886/murder-offenders-in-the-us-by-gender/
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2922347/
Just wanted to second the recommendation of "The Gift of Fear". And to give my support to the OP.
Did you by any chance read The Gift of Fear?
Really fascinating book. Covers a lot about how to deal with stalkers and also about trusting your 'instinct' when you fear something or someone which is applicable to anyone, not just women.
Human beings suffer from the illusion of control, and are very bad at risk assessment and probability. Bad people do bad things. Security-after-the-fact through reactionary patches doesn't work in the cybersecurity world, and it doesn't work in the real world either.
A great and sobering book on these topics is "Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Baker.
I feel a constant need to plug The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker for this very thing.
The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker.
The author is a security specialist for governments and public figures. This book is about how to predict and avoid personal violence. I don't know how useful or accurate it is, but it's incredibly interesting.
>You should learn to trust your instincts. I tell every young woman that I know personally to always trust that feeling they have when something doesn't seem right. You are having that feeling.
Also, The Gift of Fear is a good book that expounds on that theory.
Read The Gift of Fear and try to use that to help you figure shit out? I dunno. That book is on my wishlist but I've heard good things about it.
I have not read it but someone in another thread recommended The Gift of Fear.. Link to the comment
>The hard part to distinguish though is I feel like that fear would be coming from the fact that my father abandoned me and wanted my mom to get an abortion.
BPD can come from a lot of things. If mom wanted an abortion, she may have had some resentment toward you, and she may have sent thousands of covert messages toward you in infancy, toddlerhood, childhood, and beyond. Such as not getting you from the crib when crying in an appropriate time, or not making loving eye contact with you at nine months. We take this in like food as babies, and when we don't get it, we run on a deficit and it can spawn these personality disorder traits. A great book to read about this which can put into perspective is Running on Empty which is written in a straightforward and easy to comprehend way.
>Like even if my boyfriend has to be gone for a night, visiting family or anything, I feel completely alone and like I don't belong anymore. It's totally illogical
This is an example of a trigger. Your boyfriend leaves, you may not have developed object permanence. Like, when mom leaves the living room and we are babies, we cry because she is gone and we don't know she is coming back. Eventually we learn emotionally she is coming back. For some of us with neglectful moms and absent dads, we never developed this emotional skill, so when boyfriend goes away, emotional mind says, "He is gone forever!" and this stokes the emotions we didn't process at nine months old, or 6 years old when mom pushed us away or rolled her eyes, and we felt frustrated but went right back in for a hug.
It's actually logical the more you know about this, the more you are able to retrace your steps. It's ok to not show this to him, or to tell him about it, but still rely on yourself because the internal battle is learning how to regulate your emotions. If you can attach with a therapist for a year or two or three, you can overcome this feeling. I was one of the worst cases of bpd and I do not have that issue anymore with my partner.
Sorry for the book! If you have any questions let me know.
‘Running on Empty’ is a good book to read for CEN.
Jonice Webb book
Check with a psychologist to see if you have BPD. The usual treatment is DBT.
I was just about to post something to this effect! As long as I can remember I've felt unable to make connections with people, I've only ever had one serious romantic relationship (in my 20s) and I'm 41 now. I started reflecting on my childhood (authoritarian parenting, probably not much attention paid to my emotional needs) and I started doing some research. I'm currently reading this book https://www.amazon.co.uk/Running-Empty-Overcome-Childhood-Emotional/dp/161448242X/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3XIQRRSYKEJW&keywords=running+on+empty+overcome+your+childhood+emotional+neglect&qid=1567155056&s=gateway&sprefix=running+on+%2Caps%2C140&sr=8-1 and trying to work out if I was emotionally neglected growing up. A lot of the symptoms of that in adulthood are just as you, and many of us, describe and experience.
EDIT: I know you were talking specifically about siblings, weren't you, but I thought this book might help someone anyway!
I have recently read Running on Empty: Overcome your Childhood Emotional Neglect and the end section has worksheets and tips. A very helpful and insightful book about working on being able to express and attend to your own needs, something I also struggle with. I think marriage counseling would also be a good idea, if you have the means.
And, since you are asking our opinions (you can take this or leave it, of course) maybe the house doesn't really need to be 'presentable' -- just clean 'enough.' And maybe you don't need to breastfeed your two-year-old anymore, or least not as often... your needs are important, even when we are talking about a relationship between you and your child. If breastfeed a two-year-old is too much for you, maybe you can start weaning him now. Again, just an idea, putting it out there for your consideration. And, maybe you don't need to teach bible study when you are feeling so overwhelmed and stressed. You can start reevaluating the commitments you've made and there might be some you can drop, at least for now, until you feel more in control.
A book that helped me a fair bit.
Cried of course but no mirror. Try this book for answers to your question.
Hey, you might find value in this book: Running on Empty, the author also did a podcast episode recently so you can get an idea of what the book is about by listening to it. I also highly recommend therapy so you have a safe place to explore these things without having to worry about the other person.
Yeah, try this book: https://www.amazon.com/Running-Empty-Overcome-Childhood-Emotional/dp/161448242X
It's mostly aimed at people with sort of suboptimal childhoods, but a lot of the advice in it is geared towards helping you assert your emotional needs without trampling on other people's boundaries, so it should apply to you too.
Do you think you (have) suffer(ed) a bit from this? (Speaking as a commiserator, not a bystander):
https://drjonicewebb.com/about-emotional-neglect/
https://www.amazon.com/Running-Empty-Overcome-Childhood-Emotional/dp/161448242X/
OP, you'd get a lot out of the book "Running on Empty" by Dr Jonice Webb.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Running-Empty-Overcome-Childhood-Emotional/dp/161448242X
One of the neglectful parent types in there is the "addicted parent", and she offers lots of thoughts that I believe will be useful to someone in your position.
If you can't afford the book, there's some articles on her website here: https://drjonicewebb.com/the-book/
I’m sure that is super overwhelming for both of you right now. But at least he has acknowledged that he has some issues and wants to work on them which is pretty huge. So make sure you continue support him and encourage him to continue with therapy. Was there emotional abuse or possibly neglect in his family growing up? Not to diagnose him or anything, but I sometimes have issues with expressing my emotions and connecting with people. I always felt something was “wrong with me”. Turns out you can be raised in a perfectly normal loving family but still have your emotional needs neglected which can make it hard to process emotions yourself. I found this book to be spot on for me. Maybe have him read the description and see if it strikes a chord. Hang in there!
Try starting [here] (https://www.amazon.com/Running-Empty-Overcome-Childhood-Emotional/dp/161448242X)
Here are some books that I have read and have found to be helpful. Check to see if your library has them.
Toxic Parents
Emotional Blackmail
Running on Empty
Read this
I think there were classic abuse behaviors in that relationship. Have you read "Why Does He Do That?" by Lunday Bancroft
?
Well, if you run or might think of ever running a small business, I run a small business Facebook group with semi-annual meet ups for Ann Arbor and surrounding communities that has all sorts of people involved, and I'd say over half are female and around your age range. You're welcome to join and chat if you want.
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Also, I'm really sorry your ex was terribly abusive. I'm really glad you got out of that, and I hope you're able to have a very healing 2019. I had some abuse in my family growing up so I read a book called "Why Does He Do That: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men," which I found extremely helpful in understanding it wasn't my fault. Here's the link, and you'll probably be able to pick it up at some of the libraries around town:
https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling-ebook/dp/B000Q9J0RO/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1549436828&sr=8-1&keywords=why+does+he+do+that
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Edit: almost forgot to mention places to find people. Check out Nerd Nite (monthly meet up with neat scienc-y topics, like mini Ted talks), the Cultivate coffee shop in Ypsi, and Orange Theory if you're into fitness.
Abusers don't really like to come out as abusers, in fact they'll do a lot of mental and verbal gymnastics to deny that they are in fact abusers.
I suggest you read this book if you would like to know the mindset of a domestic or emotional abuser.
https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling-ebook/dp/B000Q9J0RO/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1487299965&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=lundy+bancroft
The author ran a program for abusive men (mostly court ordered if I remember correctly). He gets it. Surprisingly it really comes down to a sense of entitlement.
Sexual rejection is common in abusive relationships. https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling-ebook/dp/B000Q9J0RO
Time to throw the whole boyfriend out.
In all seriousness though, please read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. (Amazon|PDF) In the book, Bancroft describes the different types of abusers. Your ex-husband and current boyfriend are both abusers, likely just different types.
For getting away, please contact your local domestic violence services. They will help you draft a "safety plan" and may be able to shelter you for a few days if you need somewhere to stay in the interim.
Congratulations! I'm glad you were able to make that decision for yourself.
You might find Why Does He Do That? to be a helpful read, even just the first few chapters. It was eye-opening for me.
You can actually read a copy here.
>Okay I see, it's different here, I apologise!
It's alright, there's nothing to apologise for.
>I can understand this from your mother's perspective. Even though I was successful in seeking legal justice, it put my life on hold for years, the process was exhausting and my physical and mental health deteriorated, I was hospitalized repeatedly for physical illness and psychiatric problems - I gave birth to the man's child, and my family had to help care for her in the first few years of her life because of this.
I'm genuinely glad you are better now.
>Yeah, these services are not specialised for this purpose, which is why I think you should definitely continue to pursue some kind of assistance from local sexual assault charities and it may be worth enquiring to see if your school can assist with finding this help. They may not be able to, but it can't do harm to ask.
I'll try!
>This book was most informative to me. Also, I get the impression that you were in a relationship with this man (forgive me if I read this wrong), but I also bought and earlier edition of this book, which has helped me understand how people like this operate and how to move past it. Finally, I haven't read this one but it's very commonly recommended to abused women - Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft, I am told this is the gold standard in self-help for women who have been in abusive relationships with men.
Thanks for the resources, I was in a relationship and I'm glad I'm out of it, I hope someday I will look back and realise I learnt something or gained something from it instead of just hurt and loss. If you haven't already known so (cuz their books are so popular), I find that poetry does a job at showing us we aren't alone and that there is always hope. Poets I read from are Samantha King, Rupi Kaur, Micheal Faudet, r.h. Sin and Lang Leav. They aren't healing in the informative way but I am addicted to their poetry because of how relatable they are. They talk about heartbreak, loss, feminism, strength and sometimes assault. I don't know if it helps to heal but they are enjoyable to read, though the price of the books can be a bit...
http://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Gavin-Becker-ebook/dp/B0036Z9U2A/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1394171367&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=the+gift+of+fear
You do not gently talk to him. Read that book. Block and avoid him on all fronts. If he buys anything from you do a refund/charge back on him so you're not obligated to sell him anything. Stay silent, keep blocking him, don't let him manipulate you into speaking.
Finally, the last and ONLY thing you say before the above is "I do not wish you to contact me anymore and any further communication from you will be sent directly to the police as harassment."
If you have his contact and photos screen cap them for the police and file a report when he calls your bluff.
Finally PM me a link to your store. Others can attest: I'm a girl. I just like kawaii toys.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0036Z9U2A/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&amp;btkr=1
Gavin de Becker
The Gift of Fear
I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. I've had two stalkers, and I know how unsettling it is. Have you read The Gift of Fear? I highly recommend it, I found it to be full of good advice and it helped me contextualize my experiences.
Yeah, I'm gonna second that you should absolutely prioritize mundane options here. File a police report, set up security cameras if you have the means, get a notebook and dedicate it to recording any interactions with your neighbors that are even slightly threatening. Maybe hit up r/legaladvice. I also reccomend reading a book called The Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker that is about violence, harassment, and intuition. It's really eye opening and empowering.
If you're looking for a protective sigil, I reccomend this this guide to create your own. Alternatively, I like Ægishjálmr a norse symble to strike fear into one's enemies, which might have the control angle your looking for.
You should definitely communicate with your boyfriend about what happened to you, what's currently going on, and how you are feeling about it. I appreciate that you are taking his own struggles with quitting smoking into account, but your own feelings and comfort should not have to suffer because of that.
My therapist recommended this book for my wife to read, and it's helped her understand the broad range of feelings and issues I am dealing with. I would also recommend you and your boyfriend both read it. It'll also open a line of communication between you and him that you desperately need right now.
piggbacking here with a late comment in case anyone finds this useful, already sent as PM to OP
----------------------------
hey there,
bit late but I couldn't comment at the time.
First of all - I have a little idea what it going on for you. There was a time in my life when it seemed like everyone close to me had been molested, my parents, my family my friends, girlfriend, lovers. It was insane and ridiculous, and was part of a pretty major breakdown that I had in my early 20's.
In hindsight, I think that one of the reasons this happened is that any kind of child abuse seeks to be heard, understood and integrated into life. If it not remembered (very common) or buried in the "can't think about it" places (also common), it will struggle to get out in other ways - especially by attracting oneself to other people with similar feelings and struggles. By doing this, the psyche moves forward. But it feels crazy, and so much pain and awfulness can come out so quickly, that feeling like you're losing your mind can be one of the easiest parts :(
As other people have suggested, a trusted therapist is essential, but I have read you don't have much money - that was a huge issue for me too, so I'll drop a couple of things here that helped for me. Everyone's different so they may not work for you, etc, etc.
Lastly this will probably take time. It might be over soon, but likely this stuff is so big, you will be dealing with it in some form for many years to come.
So take it slow, love and be kind to yourself first, and do something each day to move yourself forwards no matter how small.
love and light to your journey - feel free to PM me if you want to chat about anything.
I agree with another commenter here--if you don't have a therapist, get one. CSA and other traumas are very hard to recover from without help. There's a self-help book you might find helpful, The Courage to Heal, which is made by people who have experienced of CSA for people who have experienced CSA. I haven't gone through a lot of it (it isn't something that you can fly through), but what I've read is really validating. Triggering, but validating.
Look for another job, if you can. If you think that the problem is your depression, not the job itself, then wait to commit to leaving, maybe, until after you start sorting stuff out. Depression makes it hard to find jobs in general appealing.
I'm sorry that you've gone through so much.
Repressed Memories - fascinating & a real eye-opener for me
Secret Survivors - primarily about incest survivors (don't rule it out yet), but a lot of good info about general abuse
The Courage to Heal - Geared towards women, but good general info too. In many of the featured stories, people experienced horrific abuse and didn't remember it for years
I hope this helps. I encourage you to at least explore it a bit. You can always stop. One book I read (not one of these) took me a couple months because it was so intense and personal for me. Good luck!
Read this book, “Why Does He Do That?”
It might help you. What you’re describing is unfair fighting, and while the reasons you have for not breaking up may seem compelling, they’re all based on the premise that you might be wrong, that your eyes and ears and feelings might all be wrong, and that you’re not actually unhappy. How likely is that?
Besides, no matter how welcoming your parents have been, YOU are their child, not him.
https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656
I didn't realize the relationship I was in was emotionally abusive. By the end, it turned physically abusive, and I regrettably chose to forgive my ex for the haneous and brutal acts of violence he displayed.
I finally left him because I had always been suspicious of his fidelity and found evidence of him cheating when I hacked his FB messages.
Fast forward 5 years later, and I finally started telling friends and a therapist how he controlled me, spoke down to me, disrespected me, etc.
I didn't really see it until I was out of the relationship because he was so good and manipulating me into thinking he loved me, but that I was always in the wrong.
You should read "Why Does He Do That."
https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656
This analysis of angry, controlling and abusive men and their thought patterns/behaviors towards their partners and others was very eye-opening for me. I circled so many examples within the book that reminded me of my ex's.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/morning-mix/wp/2015/04/14/study-finds-surprisingly-that-women-are-favored-for-jobs-in-stem/
" In fact, the bias has now flipped: Female candidates are now twice as likely to be chosen as equally qualified men."
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Pretty significant advantage, that.
You can't compare institutional racism, like what our police force does to the black and hispanic community, with sexism. It is disingenuous. I can point to that in data. Unlike the pay gap that is often intellectually dishonest in how it is presented I can point to solid data that shows, all things being equal, there are segments of the population that are abused by law enforcement.
I'm not sure what a valid reason is for sexism. That is what giving one side an unfair advantage is, right? Or do we repeat the cycle? Disadvantage one gender to the detriment of the other, then after a period of time reverse the roles and begin a new systemic imbalance? It is an interesting idea of equality.
While there are many terrible things that happen to women I doubt the preponderance of them are perpetrated by a sexist society at large. People are victims of crime, it happens. Men more so are victims of violent crime than women. As for physical violence, good ol plug for the second amendment here: Guns level the physical playing field (https://nypost.com/video/off-duty-cop-shoots-robber-during-nighttime-attack/). Guns have that magical ability to allow the smaller, weaker, older, and physically infirm to still protect their right to be safe. Were it not for a gun, that woman's life might have taken a very Silence of the Lambs sort of turn that night.
Then there is this self-inflicted problem wherein women are starting to fail to climb corporate ladders because of fear. https://www.washingtonpost.com/business/2019/05/17/metoo-backlash-more-male-managers-avoid-mentoring-women-or-meeting-alone-with-them/ . There is a very real need that #metoo began to fill. Inappropriate sexual behavior should never be tolerated or justified, to be clear. But people should be innocent until proven guilty, not the other way around. Increasing discovery of things like this ( https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2018/05/07/convictions-vacated-26-year-old-rape/588406002/ ) and books like this ( https://www.amazon.com/How-Destroy-Man-Now-DAMN/dp/099982032X ) highlight to men how incredibly, unfairly, vulnerable they are to unverified claims. This has started to create a generation of Mike Pence's that won't meet one-on-one with a woman under any circumstances without chaperones... because the society we have voluntarily created has made it a necessary precaution.
https://www.amazon.com/How-Destroy-Man-Now-DAMN/dp/099982032X
turns out its real
https://www.amazon.com/How-Destroy-Man-Now-DAMN/dp/099982032X
The reviews are great too
Archives for the links in comments:
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I am Mnemosyne 2.1, Duke Nukem Forever wasn't THAT bad. ^^^^/r/botsrights ^^^^Contribute ^^^^message ^^^^me ^^^^suggestions ^^^^at ^^^^any ^^^^time ^^^^Opt ^^^^out ^^^^of ^^^^tracking ^^^^by ^^^^messaging ^^^^me ^^^^"Opt ^^^^Out" ^^^^at ^^^^any ^^^^time
How are people saying this is fake? It has an ISBN number and everything.
https://www.amazon.com/How-Destroy-Man-Now-DAMN/dp/099982032X
Chris Hardwick. False Accuse Back. Chris Brown. False Accuse. Filing defamation. James Franco. False. back. aziz ansari. False. Ryan
Seacrest. False. Back at Oscars. YOU have the imagination. Its over. Too many liars.
Wake up child
https://www.amazon.com/How-Destroy-Man-Now-DAMN/dp/099982032X
I stated previously that 80% of women want 20% of men, and that women are prone to gold digging. As far as gold digging goes, women are instinctively looking for mates that will be capable protectors and providers. In our modern day, that measurement is money and status. Look at someone like Bill Gates. He has all the money and status, and he is considered the most successful man. Because of that status, he would be the most capable of providing everything for a wife and kids. That's what women look for. So, if money and status is the quality women want, then reason would state that women would always be looking for men with more money. Hence, women are naturally gold diggers.
This article explains the cause and effect of women being able to exercise their dating preference to the extreme.
https://quillette.com/2019/03/12/attraction-inequality-and-the-dating-economy/
I also said that it is quite easy to ruin a mans life in a false accusation of rape or sexual assault. Here are a few names and stories to google.
Mark Weiner, who drove a women to her house on a rainy day. he got 8 years for a false crime
Alec Holowka, falsely accused by Zoe Quinn, committed suicide over the accusations.
Stephen Elliott, an author who was accused anonymously, had his life turned upside down for no reason.
Youtuber Tobuscus, let a female friend over to his house, and she tried to initiate romance with him. Toby refused, and she accused him of assault.
Paul Nungesser, a college student who was accused of rape by Emma Sulkowicz after a one night fling. Paul did receive a positive outcome, but his name is forever attached to a rape accusation.
All these cases derailed and ruined various men's lives, but the problem of false allegations is not just in rape, but in other charges too.
Domestic violence is used frivolously in divorce cases to gain leverage over opposing parties. This can cause much harm to either gender, but with over 75% of divorces initiated by women, according National Center for Health Statistics, men are by and large the victims.
https://www.mikeglaw.com/false-accusations-domestic-violence-common-divorce-custody/
it is becoming so common now, that women are writing how to books directly about using false allegations about rape and such as weapons.
https://www.amazon.com/How-Destroy-Man-Now-DAMN/dp/099982032X
So, women look for the top 20% of men, women are natural gold diggers, and women can easily use false rape and domestic violence to harm men. All these lead to a tough and potentially toxic dating environment where most men are left behind, and the ones that are not, have a loaded gun pointed at their heads. this is why dating and marriage are bad for men in 2019. you can say I'm wrong; you can say I'm sexist, but reality backs me up.
How to Destroy A Man Now (DAMN): A Handbook
One passage describes how to bring down a boss with false sexual assault allegations.
Last Chapter
Hey, I'm sorry to hear about your experiences. Male victims of abuse is a very real problem though it tends to go unreported.
Your experiences sound rather significant. If you're not talking to someone about them, I encourage you to do so.
Personally, I found that my childhood experiences ended up making me more likely to find abusive partners. One thing that has helped change my perspective and aid me in setting boundaries is this book:
The Verbally Abusive Relationship
Anyway, good luck to you. Please message me if there's anything I can do to help.
That's verbal abuse. It will only get worse.
http://www.amazon.ca/The-Verbally-Abusive-Relationship-recognize/dp/1440504636
To say things about your ability to father- especially if it is in front of your children- is not okay. My spouse was verbally abusive once, when I pointed it out, we read a book together and are trying to figure it out.
I have heard good things about this book: https://www.amazon.com/Verbally-Abusive-Relationship-Expanded-Third/dp/1440504636
Also, counseling is important. A 3 day tirade borders on torture. It is emotional abuse.
The books my therapist recommended me are:
http://www.amazon.com/Verbally-Abusive-Relationship-recognize-respond/dp/1440504636
http://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1348629805&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=walking+on+eggshells
The second is geared toward children of parents with BPD (which my mom has), which might not suit your needs, but the first is just about verbally abusive situations in general, and it's helped me a lot.
Exiting the JW Cult: A Healing Handbook
https://www.amazon.com/EXiting-JW-Cult-Handbook-Witnesses/dp/1508477132/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1478470651&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=Exiting+the+JW+Cult%3A+A+Healing+Handbook&amp;pldnSite=1
www.amazon.com/Child-Called-Childs-Courage-Survive/dp/1558743669
A Child Called It is one of the most painful reads I have ever done, but it's an amazing story of survival.
> physical abuse is worse than psychological punishment by an order of magnitude.
I've never read anything more absurdly WRONG-HEADED in my entire life. *
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Also interesting how you reveal your bias & utter clueless-ness of the problem here; lets just do one very simple "switcheroo" shall we?
>physical punishment is worse than psychological abuse by an order of magnitude
Now how does that sound? Still think it's true?
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>I'm not a psychologist
That's more or less a given isn't it.
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>but it doesnt take much to realise that hitting your child will be ingrained permanently in their mind, compared to say, depriving them of video games
I see, so ALL types of "psychological punishment" (or was it "psychological abuse"?) are EXACTLY the same as "depriving [a child] of video games."
BTW how long are you "depriving" them? A week, a month, a year? Permanently? Were the video games simply locked in a cabinet? Were they thrown out in the garbage? Were they "destroyed" in front of the child before being discarded?
Do the games belong to the parents? Or were they the "personal property" of the child? And then how/from where were the games acquired? Did the parents purchase them? Were they "gifts" {extra sentimental value} from some favorite relative? Perhaps there was a divorce or even death of a parent, and the game was a "last gift" from the now absent parent? Alternately, did the child perform work and save to purchase the games? How much work, how much effort did they put in & how long did they need to save to acquire it? (ALL of those things can be very LARGE factors -- especially in the mind of the child.)
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Do you see -- do you even have the ability to conceive -- that you are "conflating" an entire ARRAY of behaviors, some of them quite ABUSIVE (even arguably VERY "traumatic" in some instances; particularly if it is a permanent loss of personal property that also has significant sentimental value) -- as if they were all equally benign?
Oh, I see, you didn't intend your statement of "depriving them of video games" to include anything like a permanent ban, much less the actual destruction of the game... you would probably even go further and claim that you would never take such a form of "depriving" the child of anything to such an extreme.
But the reality is that there are parents who WILL -- who in fact DO (*) often take things to that extreme (and beyond). And you have just given them "cover" for doing so. You have just categorically declared that ONLY "physical" forms of discipline are "abuse"; and that -- by definition -- "psychological" forms of discipline are merely "punishment"; are "temporary" and non-"traumatic" etc etc etc.
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* Your punishment/sentence -- act of contrition & education (EDIT: BTW that's a lame attempt at "humor") -- should be to go get a book titled: "A Child Called It" Get a copy, read it, and then come back and tell me again (if you dare, and I think you won't) that you STILL think any/all forms of "psychological" punishment are always benign, harmless, and non-traumatic, or an "order of magnitude" better than even a slight "swat on the butt." (To be sure the child in question also endured physical punishment AND horrific abuse; but you go and ask him what was WORSE, what was more TRAUMATIC and damaging to him: the physical or the mental, emotional & psychological "punishments" his sadistic mother dealt out.)
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** And alas, I know of several different instances of parents who engaged in very ABUSIVE psychological "punishment" of the type you advocate/recommend (just more "extreme" than you think you mean) -- they believed they were "paragons" of moral virtue, since they never even "spanked" their child once (see how PURE they were?) -- no never laid a hand on the child, but they so DAMAGED their child in other ways, were so BRUTAL and "authoritarian" and yes "abusive" in mental, emotional and psychological forms (including the wanton destruction of the child's "personal" property -- almost gleefully/sadistically and all out of proportion to the ostensible "offense" -- the child's crime? Getting a "C" on a report card!)... So much so, that the adult child (on recommendation of therapists) has entirely DISOWNED the parents, cut off ALL contact, permanently. And yet of course that parent still insists that they not only "did nothing wrong" but that they in fact "did everything JUST right" -- exactly how they were supposed to -- why? Because they thoroughly believe (and use as cover) a statement almost identical to your own: that "psychological punishment" is trivial, etc.
You see, just as YOU conflate ALL forms of "physical" discipline with "abuse" -- THEY conflate ALL forms of "psychological" discipline (regardless of hor traumatic or abusive it may be) as "benign" even "beneficial" and... what was your wording, oh yeah "temporary effect" and "clearly positive."
The solution is NOT to lump everything together -- making it "illegal" to say "deprive a child of a video game" -- will NOT solve the problem of the abusive parent anymore than making it "illegal" to "spank" -- ABUSIVE parents will STILL be "abusive"... they will simply move on to some other "games people play" {like "See what YOU made me DO" always a favorite of abusers} and thus some OTHER form of controlling/sadistic and "abusive" behavior (under the "cover" of whatever it is that is then advocated as an "acceptable" method, whether it is "reasoning" {which becomes self-esteem destroying "nagging" & "berating" -- often justified simply by creating a scenario for such via demands for "perfectionist" behaviors, and "perfect" outcomes -- like "all 'A' grades on a report card"}, or "time outs" {which becomes permanent grounding, then permanent confinement to a room, no telephone, no friends, etc}, or "depriving" them of other things {no cookies for you, EVER again; no TV watching; no music; no toys, etc}.)
ABUSIVE people will be ABUSIVE -- under ANY method.
And conversely, REASONABLE people will be REASONABLE -- again under ANY method (including, yes, "spanking" their children only when necessary, and in a manner that is NOT "abusive.")
You might want to read this series... the guy is grown now and it might give you some insights.
http://www.amazon.com/Child-Called-Childs-Courage-Survive/dp/1558743669
I'm sorry for your situation if true, and I respect your privacy, but it's a little hard to give good advise on such vague details.
Very awful. "A Child Called It"; which is an extremely depressing book I had to read in grade school for some reason. About this kid that was made to be his mom's slave. The only time she was nice to him for a tiny bit was after she accidentally stabbed him (though she didn't take him to the hospital).
My husband was hated like you were. Have you ever heard of book called "A child called It"? https://www.amazon.com/Child-Called-Childs-Courage-Survive/dp/1558743669
What happened to you is beyond horrible. Please know that we are with you 110%
I'm in my fourth year of a clinical psychology doctoral program, training to be a therapist.
How did your therapists try to treat your "symptoms"? That is, what kinds of things did they say to you or ask you to do? I ask this because when I read "...will quickly shift the focus from dealing with my past to treating symptoms of the disorder that therapist has diagnosed me with," my immediate thought was "They were all CBT therapists"--bad ones, unfortunately. DBT is indeed considered to fall under the CBT umbrella. The "pre-fabricated lesson plans" are known as manualized treatments and are most often associated with CBT (although other types of therapy sometimes use manuals too).
That said, CBT doesn't need to be so rigid. What country do you live in, and what is your health insurance like? What settings did the therapists work in (private practice, college counseling center, hospital, etc.)? Some of these systems encourage the diagnosis-based, symptom-focused, manualized approach because it resembles medical treatment, tends to be brief, and is allegedly scientific (somewhat true, but it's complicated).
If you believe you might benefit from a one-on-one version of DBT, by all means seek out a CBT therapist. I'm not bashing it in any way; it's very effective for many people. Tell them up front about your previous treatment experiences and what you are looking for in therapy. If the therapist won't work with you, find someone else.
If you don't get any traction with CBT, there are other choices. Client-centered therapy, psychodynamic/relational therapy, and critical psychology approaches are all very good options. I'm going to tell you a little secret: specific therapy techniques only account for 10% of therapeutic outcome. The quality of the therapeutic relationship contributes 35%, "client factors" (e.g. motivation) contribute 40%, and the placebo effect contributes 15%. (We just went over this in class today, so the numbers are fresh in my mind!) Look up the common factors hypothesis if you want to know more.
Sorry for the wall of text. I hope at least some of this info was useful. You suffered unimaginable abuse. "I'm so sorry" doesn't begin to cover it. Not since A Child Called "It" have I read anything like this. I'm just as sorry that your previous therapists did not help you.
A Child Called “It” by Dave Pelzer
A child called it
Amazing story of a kid who survived the kind of shit that killed this child. He somehow grew up normal enough to be functional in society, and was even able to write about his experiences. The worst part of the book is where you find out that this WASN'T the WORST case of child abuse that that State had seen....
Wow... it's horrible to imagine what some children have to endure.
If you really want to know... read the book A child called It
You're not alone
Here you go.
http://www.amazon.com/Child-Called-It-Courage-Survive/dp/1558743669
The only book that has ever brought tears to my eyes was "A Child Called It" by Dave J. Pelzer.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1558743669/ref=redir_mdp_mobile/192-2859731-1270100
It was the saddest and scariest book that I have ever read, and it is based on the author's life as well. :(
I went through stages with out even realizing it. After my sexual trauma I sought out sex - to prove that not all sex was bad and to prove to my self that I could get over it. That REALLY did not help. I experienced more sexual trauma and horrible relationships. I went through a period where I would either openly or publicly cry after every sexual encounter, no matter what happened. I thought "thats normal...?". After having this, and meeting the love of my life... it severely hindered our relationship. I WANT to enjoy sex with him but it was nearly impossible when every touch reminded me of some creep or horrible encounter. One night I thought - ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. I made an appointment for a therapist the next day (my school has free therapy for sexual victims), bought this book which has helped a lot, and another book of hers. I highly recommend her book. Its a self help, self exercise book. I haven't cried after sex in a year. I am still triggered by somethings day to day, but sex with my partner has improved immensely.
i think i have mine back and i think maybe it's even stronger than ever, though things do fluctuate. it's about 4 years for me. therapy, group therapy, and this sub have been critical to my recovery. writing has been really important... and then sharing the writing... that was some scary and powerful shit for me. i didn't fully start sharing my writing until this year. i am about to self publish a poetry collection that centers on my rape. to me it will be sort of a final stage of healing (if there is such thing as a final stage).
if you aren't in therapy i recommend getting a copy of the rape recovery handbook and working (slowly with self compassion) through the exercises in there: https://www.amazon.com/Rape-Recovery-Handbook-Step-Step/dp/1572243376
and finding more survivors to talk to.
confront your deepest feelings of shame and fear.
take all your fears and put them into the light for you to really see, and see they aren't as scary anymore.
build up a support network whether if be online at first but then in your real life.
i wrote this about my rape: thoughtcatalog.com/velouria-black/2017/10/i-will-no-longer-let-you-invalidate-my-rape/
that was me breaking my own silence this year, probably with help from the gusto of the metoo campaign.
you will get your voice back and you will love yourself more deeply than ever before. it is hard work. it is painful. but you are going to get there. and if you need a friend along the way you have one in me sister <3