(Part 2) Best self-help books according to redditors

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We found 62,867 Reddit comments discussing the best self-help books. We ranked the 12,192 resulting products by number of redditors who mentioned them. Here are the products ranked 21-40. You can also go back to the previous section.

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Subcategories:

Death & grief books
Healthy relationships books
Books about creativity
Books about happiness
Books about inner child
Journal writing books
Memory improvement books
Motivational books
Personal transformation books
Self esteem books
Stress management books
Personal success books
Spiritual self-help books
Books about abuse
Books about dreams
Eating disorder books
Hypnosis books
Handwriting analysis books
Spiritual self help books
Anger management books
Anxiety & phobia books
Time management books
Mid-life management books
Communication & social skills books
Emotional self help books
Neuro-linguistic programming books
Art therapy & relaxation books

Top Reddit comments about Self-Help:

u/t30ne · 2896 pointsr/AskReddit

Have you read The Gift of Fear? Great book, even for law enforcement. Battered women literally become addicted to the feeling of relief when the man acts sweet and apologetic the next day. Like, chemically addicted to the sensation.

EDIT: The Gift of Fear seriously, if someone reading this feels like they could benefit from knowing how to protect themselves but can't afford a $2 used book, I'll buy it for you. PM me.

u/Deradius · 980 pointsr/self

It's unclear what's going on here, but this pattern of behavior is disturbing. I recommend the following course of action:

  1. Get yourself checked for sexually transmitted infections now and six months from now.

  2. Get a reliable keyed deadbolt lock for your front door. You're looking for ANSI Grade 2 or better. Also check your windows and make sure those are not easy to open or gain access to from the outside. Consider installing security film. At the very least, change your locks if she has or ever had a key.

  3. Eliminate all points of contact with this woman. Don't answer the phone if she calls. Just let it go to voicemail, and delete without listening. Filter her emails to go straight to trash. Texts too, if possible. Do not respond to any letters or texts she sends. If she knocks on your door, do not answer. Consider getting a restraining order, but be aware this could provoke retaliation.

  4. Read Gavin de Becker's The Gift of Fear.

    ---

    Her extremely aggressive attempt to have unprotected sex and her failure to take no for an answer is concerning. It could simply be something she wanted to do and nothing more.

    It could also be that she wanted to get pregnant, transmit an STI, or allege sexual assault (and have physical evidence with which to do so). (I'm not accusing her of any of these things. I'm noting that they are possibilities you should be aware of.)

    Note that if she does allege that you did something, neighbors will report seeing her extremely disturbed and upset, crying and screaming outside of your apartment after having been inside with you.

    ---

    You should limit further contact with this person.

    I am not a lawyer or any sort of professional. This is not legal advice.
u/Kirjath · 852 pointsr/todayilearned

And this feeling is even greater in people identifying as having 'Codependent' personalities:

From this page:

http://coda.org/index.cfm/meeting-documents/patternsPage/ and the cached version

Excerpts:

  • I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others.
  • My unselfishness is often misconstrued or misperceived with negative results.
  • I judge what I think, say, or do harshly, as never good enough.
  • I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
  • I compromise my own values and integrity too much, to avoid rejection or anger.
  • I put aside my own interests too much in order to do what others want.
  • I am hypervigilant regarding the feelings of others and take on those feelings.
  • I freely offer advice and direction to others without being asked.
  • I become resentful when others decline my help or reject my advice.
  • I can defiantly take care of myself without any help from others, but
  • I believe most people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
  • I value others’ approval of my thinking, feelings, and behavior over my own.
  • I constantly seek recognition that I think I deserve, but at the same time:
  • I am embarrassed to receive recognition, praise, or gifts.
  • I think 'The more I suffer, the more it shows I really care'

    Some things to consider:

  • For those of you who are thinking that these excerpts apply to you, click on the link and check the full list. If some most of them apply to you, do some research on your own, whether that's a coda meeting, buying a book, or just reading some more literature. I know you'll feel a lot better soon.

  • I have felt more caring and compassion at CoDA meetings than I ever have with most people. We're nice, we promise!

  • Most people deal with their codependency with a particular drug of choice, whether it's liquor, wine, beer, porn, coke, pot, food, or exercise. Honesty time: Mine is food.

  • So, either type of Jameson (Jenna or liquor) listed elsewhere in this comment section may help cover up those feelings, but only for a bit.

  • As for God: All that's required is just a 'higher power'. I'm an atheist; I still go. I replace it with 'Nature' or 'The Universe'. Anyone who admonishes you for not believing in their God is acting inappropriately, really. Really.

  • A great book, it really helped me: Codependent No More

  • This does not demonize consideration or empathy. People who are codependent can't help feeling this way, to a fault. We 'help until it hurts', and we can't stop. A balance is crucial, and the program is helping me find the right balance.

  • If you don't feel this way, please don't criticize those who do. Everyone is different and everyone has things they already have a good balance with.

  • A $20 book or an hour long meeting is a small commitment to potentially discover something incredible about yourself, even if you decide afterwards that it doesn't apply.
u/favourthebold · 766 pointsr/AskReddit

Well this seems like a good opportunity to post a few of the lessons I learned in my 20s.

To my former self:

If you're depressed, here's how to turn it around

  • Stop drinking, this is the main cause.

  • Lift weights. This alone could also stop depression. It's likely related to low testosterone levels

  • Fapping too much makes the depression worse

    Fap less, and never to porn

  • Ejaculating too often removed your motivation to take actions and start tasks. You can consider porn like a poison for the mind. Pleasurable but it desensitizes you to all other pleasures, making life seem bland and boring. Until the only thing you want is porn. It perpetuates itself.


    Gratitude

  • Whatever you are grateful for will grow

  • Gratitude is the only way to be happy. If you think about what happiness is, it's appreciating what you have. When you think of something that would make you happy, you are imagining yourself appreciating it when you get it.

    Wealth

  • You can have anything you want, as long as you create enough value for others first.

  • To be wealthy, don't try and do tomorrow's work today, just have a successful day each day. If you have more successful days than unsuccessful days, your wealth will grow. As you have successful and productive days, opportunities will be attracted to you.

    Theories

  • The key to success in any area is having the right theory. A small amount of work, or a massive amount of work, with the wrong theory, won't lead to success.

  • With the right theory, success will be relatively straight forward. When you do the thing, it will basically work every time. Anything that has been done many times before, can be done yourself with the correct theory

  • When most people speak of the 'years of hard work' they put in before they 'cracked the game', usually means they were laboring under the wrong theory, and then one day they found the correct theory, and when they applied it, it worked. (excluding world class athletes, talking about common things like starting a business or growing muscles)

  • Theories can be gathered by spending tens of thousands of dollars on seminars or tens of dollars on books. Both can contain theories that work and theories that don't work. Higher cost definitely does not mean they have the right theory

  • Some theories can seem like they are guaranteed to work, but on testing, actually don't. When someone says they have the right theory, it will seem worth any price. Often they actually don't. Beware. If possible buy their book and test it for yourself, it's just as good in book form.

  • This whole list is a list of theories, as you can see, they are usually quite simple and easy to understand. Complexity is usually a sign the person doesn't really know how things work


    Girls

  • You cannot make a girl like you, you can however find a girl who likes you

  • They key to getting girls is to get in excellent shape (lift weights), dress well, and talk to girls until you find one that likes you

  • If a girl is unsure if she you likes you, won't go on a date with you, or doesn't let you touch her in anyway. She doesn't like you. Find one that wants all those things. Don't be fooled by girls who seem to REALLY like you but doesn't have time to meet, or won't let you touch her. They do not like you like that.

  • Hot girls are just as likely to like you as not hot girls

  • If you like a girl more than she likes you, and she doesn't want to meet up/hang out/have sex. Let her go and move on


    Career

  • It's very easy to get ahead if you just try, most people don’t

  • You career will naturally progress just through normal learning, don't worry about it


    Flow

  • If you want things to happen without effort and struggle, live a life with gratitude and presence. Things will seem to happen easily and naturally.


    Meditation

  • Mediation gives you the ability to be your best. Very handy for improving at anything, particularly gaming, as you see more and learn more. It gives you access to creativity in solving problems and improving your performance

  • Mediation allows you to 'stop the mind'. Do this if you're stuck in over-analysis

  • To meditate, set a time on your phone for 20 minutes, sit still and don't move a muscle, and focus on your breath as often as you can. Your mind will try to stray, just focus on your breath as much as able. This is how you quiet the mind

    *****
    Edit:

    To answer some requests, here's my list of resources.

    Wealth/Metaphysics

  • http://www.audible.com.au/pd/Health-Personal-Development/The-Science-of-Getting-Rich-Audiobook/B00FMUQVSI
    This audiobook has the best summary I've found of how wealth works

    Lifting

  • https://stronglifts.com/5x5/

  • https://www.amazon.com/Starting-Strength-Basic-Barbell-Training/dp/0982522738

  • http://startingstrength.com/

  • http://www.leangains.com/2011/09/fuckarounditis.html

    How Procrastination works:

  • https://waitbutwhy.com/2013/10/why-procrastinators-procrastinate.html

  • https://waitbutwhy.com/2013/11/how-to-beat-procrastination.html

    How Business works

  • https://www.amazon.com/Personal-MBA-Master-Art-Business/dp/1591845572

    What innovation actually is and how to do it:

  • https://www.amazon.com/Innovation-Entrepreneurship-Peter-F-Drucker/dp/0060851139

    How economics works:

  • https://www.amazon.com/How-Economy-Grows-Why-Crashes/dp/047052670X

    How to get things done:

  • https://www.amazon.com/Getting-Things-Done-Stress-Free-Productivity/dp/0142000280

    Task Management tool:

  • https://todoist.com/

    Spiritual Books

  • Spiritual books won't make sense unless you've had an awakening, and you can't make this happen, it happens by chance/grace. If you have, anything by Eckhart Tolle will be amazing.

    How to be a man:

  • https://www.amazon.com/Way-Superior-Man-Spiritual-Challenges/dp/1591792576

  • https://www.amazon.com/Blue-Truth-Spiritual-Guide-Death/dp/1591792592

    Audiobooks (most of these can be found on audiobook):

  • Audible.com

    Frame Control (Anytime you feel like you're trying too hard or begging for something, you lost the frame)

  • https://www.amazon.com/Pitch-Anything-Innovative-Presenting-Persuading/dp/1501211811

    This is my favourite book of all. They talk about the new type of conscousness which is really really interesting to me. May not apply to all people.
    If anyone find this book interesting I'd love to talk about it:

    How the world works:

  • https://www.amazon.com/Spiral-Dynamics-Mastering-Values-Leadership/dp/1405133562

  • https://www.audible.com.au/pd/Spiral-Dynamics-Integral-Audiobook/B00FO5660E

u/LaTuFu · 473 pointsr/AskMen

Here are a few books I would highly recommend for men (and women as well):

  • Wild at Heart by John Etheredge. For Men. The companion book for Women is Captivating. These are Christian books, discussing God's design for men and women. Even if you are not a Christian and have no desire to be, I think you may find some of the discussion very revealing or at the very least intriguing. These are not so much good "learn to communicate" books, as they are "understanding who I really am on a basic level" books.

  • Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs. Another Christian Book, this one on the biblical view of marriage. Again, if you're not a Christian, I still recommend it as a resource for marriage. There are some fundamental principles of marriage that transcend religion that can benefit both spouses. For men and women.

  • Codependent No More by Melanie Beattie. This book is required reading if you or your partner grew up in a household with an addict (parent or sibling), an abusive parent, or single parent/divorced home with high conflict. It is not faith based, for men and women.

  • The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. This is a great book that breaks down how we're all different, and we get our needs in a relationship satisfied in different ways. Understanding what your partner needs is fundamental to having a healthy relationship.

  • The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work by John Gottman. This is another great resource for understanding effective communication within an intimate relationship, whether you are male or female.

    After that, if you have more specific issues in your story, like childhood trauma, there are more specific routes to go down. I also strongly encourage enlisting the aid of a counselor, therapist, and/or pastoral counselor if you or your partner are struggling with childhood baggage.

u/GetOffMyLawn_ · 325 pointsr/relationships

This sounds like the beginnings of abuse. The gas lighting, the playing the victim, the nuclear option, the crazy making behavior. Find this book and read it: "Why Does He Do That" by Bancroft.
http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656

Oh, and abuse tends to escalate over time. It will become more frequent and/or more intense, so don't think that ignoring it will fix it. Or that you can fix him. Or that he will fix himself. He needs individual therapy, and not couples counseling.

u/atGuyThay · 196 pointsr/UnresolvedMysteries

That is insane, but you were absolutely right to listen to your fear and act on it. If you haven’t read The Gift Of Fear I highly recommend it. Your situation sounds like one he would cover. So scary

u/Tryndamere · 193 pointsr/leagueoflegends

Was a fun game and Fizz played extremely well to snowball. Literally carried the game virtually by himself and deserved the compliments. :)

Additionally, there is no point in ever raging. I'm as competitive as the next person (if not more so), yet why rage? I am constructive because of my mindset / outlook on life, not because "this is my game", and this positive attitude is probably one of the attributes that has helped me with all of my accomplishments.

A couple quotes that I enjoy that may provide some food for thought for you all:

"I am an optimist. It does not seem to much use to be anything else." - Winston Churchill

"The role of the leader is to keep hope alive" - General Bern Loefke

Having a positive mindset that is framed by the belief that you can overcome whatever challenges confront you is one of the core attributes shared by many successful people.

For those interested in reading more on this topic, peep a book called Mindset: http://www.amazon.com/dp/0345472322/?tag=googhydr-20&hvadid=34080648191&hvpos=1t2&hvexid=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=7381209996484130525&hvpone=12.09&hvptwo=&hvqmt=b&hvdev=c&ref=pd_sl_2fdqp9hcev_b

The people that have hit Diamond despite physical handicaps and other challenges exemplify this mindset in League - whereas those that externalize blame constantly, rage at their teammates and say "It's impossible to get out of ELO hell" never will grow because they believe they can't grow because the underlying reason for their failure is something they think is outside of their control (which is false).

That is the same underlying false premise which belies those who give up in any activity (school, relationships, jobs, games, etc).

Those who succeed persevere and have a positive, "can do" attitude.

Anyway, I'll get off my soapbox now ;)


u/Iamajedilikemyfather · 170 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

I highly recommend the book Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men .

From your description it sounds as though his value system has him as way more valuable than you, meaning he doesn’t see you as an equal.

On your end - the outbursts (said with no judgement on my part), the crying, the quick feelings of frustration or stress or failure or whatever they are - this is your body telling you that your boundaries are being violated, that his value system doesn’t agree with yours (you DO see yourself as being as valuable as he is). Again, by this small snapshot you’ve shared, those feelings are the right response, and they won’t stop until you stop being around someone who treats you as an accessory in their life instead of as an equal.

The most challenging thing for me to realize (in my own situation) is that it was not possible for me to change the value system of my partner. If you are with someone that thinks it’s ok to scream at you for 5 minutes because you tried to chat with them on date night that they repurposed to “not date night,” they aren’t going to suddenly start treating you better. He doesn’t see you as an equal.

The second most challenging thing for me to understand is that the reason he was nice in the beginning was strategic and manipulative, not because he genuinely cared about me. After he had established (in me) a certain level of feelings and commitment that got him what he wanted, the mask came off.

You can be my enemy and I still wouldn’t think you were out of order because you got upset that dogs got into chocolate and dirty diapers and made a mess. That sounds horrible. So when your own husband criticizes you for that it’s to distract you from the part where he is an ass hole and isn’t helping or empathetic. Instead, you’re on the defensive (“maybe I did overreact?...”).

I’m so sorry. I hope you read the book, and I hope it takes you a lot less time to realize that a person who can treat you this way (one time, or many times) isn’t a good person to have in your life.

u/Minemose · 165 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

OP, you are brave! Thank you for helping this poor woman.
If you read The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker he talks about the human brain and what happens when we're in a terrifying situation. I won't try to explain it other than to say that your instincts sort of take over and it's often like you're being controlled by an outside force. Like your subconscious knows what will save you/another person even if your conscious mind is too terrified to think. He is also the person who developed the Mosaic Threat Assessment which is used by police forces and experts to determine who is likely to commit a violent act. It's a free tool that anybody can use FYI. Comes in handy if you have a violent person in your life.

u/YuleTideCamel · 162 pointsr/learnprogramming
  • Clean Code is a really good programming book. It's technical in that it gives you best practice, but you don't need a laptop or to code to follow along, you can just absorb the information and follow along with the simple samples (even if it's not your primary coding language).

  • The Clean Coder is a great book about how to build software professionally. It focuses on a lot of the softer skills a programmer needs.

  • Scrum: The Art of doing twice the work in half the time is a great introduction to scrum and why you want to use it. Agile (and scrum in particular) can have a major improvement on the productivity of development teams. I work for a large technology company and we've seen improvements in the range of 300% for some teams after adopting scrum. Now our entire company is scrumming.

  • Getting Things Done has personally helped me work more efficiently by sorting work efficiently. Having a system is key.

  • How to Win Friends and Influence People I often recommend devs on our team read this because it helps with interpersonal communication in the office.

  • Notes to a Software Tech Lead is a great book so you can understand what a good lead is like and hopefully one day move up in your career and become one.

u/wentwhere · 151 pointsr/AskReddit

Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl.
http://www.amazon.com/Mans-Search-Meaning-Viktor-Frankl/dp/080701429X

Frankl (RIP) was a Holocaust survivor and a psychiatrist. His book examines what gives a human life meaning, using his experiences in the death camps as a framework for his theories. He particularly examines the mindsets of fellow survivors, and details the mental processes they went through to survive the camps. One of my favorite quotations from his book reads,
>It did not really matter what we expected from life, but rather what life expected from us. We needed to stop asking about the meaning of life, and instead to think of ourselves as those who were being questioned by life—daily and hourly. Our answer must consist, not in talk and meditation, but in right action and in right conduct. Life ultimately means taking the responsibility to find the right answer to its problems and to fulfill the tasks which it constantly sets for each individual.

It's a book that asks a lot of the reader, but, to add another quote from Frankl, "What is to give light must endure burning."

u/Gravy-Leg__ · 142 pointsr/IAmA

Please don't be overconfident about your safety due to the order of protection; she could do something violent against you at any time. I highly suggest you read Gavin de Becker's The Gift of Fear - it is loaded with great advice for people in your situation. Good luck.

u/skjaldmeyja · 135 pointsr/JUSTNOMIL

Please, please, PLEASE hear me out on this.

My husband and I went through the Valley of the Shadow of Death in our marriage almost 10 years ago, and a huge part of it was him and his mom separately gaslighting and passive aggressively manipulating me.

The most important lesson I learned in that year from hell was LISTEN TO YOUR INTUITION.
There is no tool more powerful for you right now than the quiet voice in the back of your mind saying, "Something doesn't seem right about this...". At times it may be confusing because 'So-and-so would never say or do that!', but I promise you that you have an amazing mind and parts of it are working 24/7 processing all the data you receive and finding the patterns you could never consciously think through.

I saw warning sign for over five years before everything blew up, and I ignored every single one of them because I didn't want to deal with the potential fallout.

From everything you've said your MIL is 100% aware of what she's doing, she's CHOOSING to do this, she's been playing the long game, and that's terrifying.

But you know what? It's ok to be terrified.
Number one, it means you are now both aware of what's going on and you're not ignoring or minimizing it, which in turn means you can now work to handle the situation.
Number two, CC had broken her facade. The poet Maya Angelou summed it up perfectly when she said,
>When someone shows you who they are, believe them."

MIL has not only been explicitly clear about what she thinks of you, but she has done so in front of multiple witnesses (and possibly security cameras-- might want to get copies of video if possible). Neither her, D(amn)H, or anyone else can gaslight you about this.

If you can get a copy of "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin Dr Becker. Its arguably the most recommended book on JNMIL, and I think it would do you a world of good.

You are handling all of this so well, especially while expecting DD. Take time to take care of yourself and kiddos, and know that you are not alone in all of this. (hugs, if wanted)

u/foxbase · 111 pointsr/solotravel

Always listen to your gut. Have you read “The Gift of Fear?” Good book on that subject.


https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0440508835/

u/Akonion · 98 pointsr/business

Articles from reputable sources are a decent source of knowledge, but some quality business books will get you an infinitely better understanding of concepts. Here is my personal business book list if you want to get a "universal generalist" understanding of business:

u/SethRogen-Not · 88 pointsr/CPTSD

In Pete Walker's book, he states his belief that many mental illnesses are really unrecognized CPTSD. It's really really good if you haven't read it.

u/dreamofadream · 85 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

Get out. Get out now, and go somewhere he doesn't have knowledge of, or the means to reach.

His abuse is textbook. He is escalating. Your independence, and failure to yield to him in all things will only serve to justify greater violence in his mind. He will escalate the use of psychological and physical abuse as he sees necessary to "break" you, and make you submit to him. He can do this because he sees you as something that he owns, something that should be subservient to him.

If you're interested in remaining a free-willed human being, and alive/out of the hospital, get out. Do not come back until you have your squad to help you move your stuff.

Source: I've studied domestic abuse from a layperson perspective for about ten years. This book is like a bible to me.

Please message me if you feel the need, and take care of yourself.

u/WexQuasReport · 84 pointsr/DotA2

Dude, I created a reddit account just to write my first comment here and I really hope it helps. I have a lot to say and I hope I can express it in a understandable manner. Here I go :)

I was also depressed. And it is not entirely gone. I have good and bad days too but at least now I can somewhat control it. You have to realize that your mood is directly connected to your thoughts. i will not go into detail about it but If you sit by yourself thinking all the negative things that you can muster up it will bring you down, you will go into this dark tunnel of negative thoughts, that usually are illogical, but at that point seem true as fuck and it will be very hard to climb out of that dark hole. At least that's how it happened to me.

Of course it is easy to say that you have to realize this and that than to do actually it. I was unable to do it by myself, that why I looked for help from a professional psychologist. Only medication will not be as effective as an actual advise from a professional. I think the best thing is a combination of both. I know you said you have financial struggles, but I believe you can find organisations that provides such service for free or at least cheaply. And trust me, it helps. There is something about hearing things from a person who spent big part of their life studying your condition that gives a sense of hope, that this is an illness, just like any other and it can be cured with help of others, medication (if necessary) and personal effort.

Other thing that helped me massively was reading. Previous to that point of my life, I always thought that all these books that thought you how to be happy and such was a big pile of BS, and then my doctor advised me to read https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-Handbook-David-Burns/dp/0452281326 . Buying this book was the best decision I made during my recovery process. This book, together with my doctor, who based her practice on his theories helped me understand all my mistakes in thinking that eventually led to depression. This is called - cognitive theory - please google it when you have a spare moment. It is very practical and very detailed and I cannot stress enough how important it is to read to every person suffering any form of depression and/or anxiety!!! THIS IS A MUST. PLEASE BUY IT ASAP AND READ IT!!!!

Besides that, I see a lot of people suggesting taking up some activities and they could not be more right. Dota is a great way to escape negative thoughts, as you get immersed into the game and the only negative thing for another hour are the 9 other people :))) But when you take up an activity, it brings purpose and a sense of achievement. Let me give you an example. I worked at a big corporate firm, I was overtiming like crazy in order to show my superiors that I was worth promoting but everyone was busy with themselves and never noticed my efforts, over time it got so frustrating that one thing at work could determine my mood for a whole week. And then I started working out. Every evening after work I would go to the gym and work out, I also started eating healthy, I lost a bunch of weight and every night after my workout I would feel good (I wrote "great" at first, but good would be more fitting) even if before I felt like doing nothing and not going anywhere (just generally empty inside, I believe you are familiar with that feeling). Same goes with playing sax I guess. Even if the day sucked at work, after working out or playing an instrument for a while you fell like you did something for yourself, you improved, you were active, healthy and busy and this is great. Eventually I changed my job too and everything got better. I was very happy even though before I thought I would not find such a good spot money wise and I was afraid to leave. I found one even better in every aspect and my colleagues are great!! I would strongly suggest to start looking for another job while still working at current place. It can only get better. If your job sucks so much, it can not be any worse, right? Worst case scenario, you will end up at the place just as bad, but it will not be worse, so the chances are on your side. No need to be afraid, trust me (trust a random guy on the internet, yeah right :)).

In conclusion, every time you find yourself in a black hole of emptiness thinking all kinds of negative shit about yourself and how this is so bad and it will never end - remember - depression is causing it and DEPRESSION IS AN ILLNESS, it CAN be controlled, it CAN be cured and you CAN fight it! You will need help so don't be afraid of asking for it. Please see a psychologist and read that book (I promise I am not a sales guy :) that book helped me so fucking much and I sincerely believe it can help you too). Once you realize that your thoughts is the main reason causing the depression it will be much easier to fight it. If you have any additional questions let me know, I will try to do my best to help! I believe in you, we believe in you - stay strong and beat this shit!!!!

u/justplainmark · 80 pointsr/JordanPeterson

Hi there! Thanks for taking the time to ask honest questions and start conversation. It benefits everyone when we’re able to discuss openly without the vitriol and condescension often found in other places online.

I want to start by stating that I don’t consider /r/JordanPeterson to be a right wing sub. I consider myself fairly left, though more of a centrist than most of my friends. Example: I voted for Hillary in the last election, have mixed thoughts on gun control, dislike the identity politics that have lately become more prevalent on the internet/campuses lately, am pro-choice, and have been openly gay for about 12 years now. I’m more interested in the message that Jordan Peterson promotes than the politics sometimes discussed here. Jordan Peterson all types, so you sometimes get that "lol leftist cucks" garbage every now and then but it's not the spirit of the sub as a whole.

That said, let me try to answer your questions as honestly as I can:

Question #1

I don’t consider universities to be dominated by radical leftists. I consider universities to be places where people can openly discuss their views, learn new ideas, and have their ideas challenged in environments that encourage growth and understanding (and based on your tone and style, I feel we agree on this). However, I disagree with your equating departments like economics, engineering, and law with social sciences like gender studies or social justice largely because the approach to the ideology is very, very different. My understanding is that the objection to social sciences doesn’t stem from the fact that they’re more liberal/left, but that they are more interested in silencing and shaming people who disagree with them than other typical college departments.

Let me give you an example. Imagine a context where a left leaning economics student disagreed with a professor’s take on financial policy, or a visiting speaker’s approach to the foreign exchange market. An objection voiced in class, office hours, or during the Q&A portion of a speaking event would likely spark meaningful conversation where multiple viewpoints are presented. Outside of people rolling their eyes at each other in class, it’s unlikely that fellow economics majors would call for professor resignations, disrupt a speaking event, or openly shame each other for disagreeing.

Generally speaking, Engineering, Business, Economics, and Law majors would not sabotage a speaking event they disagree with, or vandalize campus property in an attempt to disrupt an idea they didn’t like, or barricade a door and imply physical harm to their opponents.

My point is this: the objection is not that the social sciences are left; the objection is that generally speaking, they are more likely to shut down an opponent than listen to them, which is the start of fascism (this is not hyperbole - the forcible repression of opposition is literally one of the tenants of fascism).

Remember above when I said that universities are places where people can openly discuss their views, learn new ideas, and have their ideas challenged in environments that encourage growth and understanding? Social sciences often (not always) stand in stark contrast to this by presenting their ideas with the caveat “agree with me, or else.”

You wouldn’t see this behavior from Engineering, Business, Economics, and Law majors.

Question 2

I mostly answered this in my answer to your first question, but my main objection is that the majority of social science classes actively discourage debate. The links I provided above are a small sample, and I could easily put together a larger list.

Again, you would not see this behavior in Engineering, Business, Economics, and Law classes.


Question 3
>You always seem to be championing traditional social hierarchies/relationships and also the primacy of the individual. But traditional social arrangements placed women in a socially subservient position with greatly diminished options for individual fulfillment relative to males. How do you reconcile this contradiction?

I haven’t seen anyone in this sub champion traditional social hierarchies, nor do I remember any comments from Jordan Peterson in his recent book suggest this. JP talks a great deal about how it’s the responsibility of the individual for self-improvement, but I’ve never heard him suggest that social repression of women was women’s fault. Assuming I haven’t misunderstood your question, is it possible you’ve mis-inferred this somewhere?

>Do you really presume to tell women they'd have more individual fulfillment if they gave up their autonomy and submitted to a backwards social relationship?

God, no. I have yet to see any posts from this sub or concepts presented by JP that would imply women would be happier in a subservient social role. In fact there are plenty of places in his last book that would say otherwise (that subservience isn’t a useful trait). Where are you getting this?

>Likewise with racial minorities.

Nope. No one is suggesting this.


Question 4

>You're always advancing this notion that leftists are gonna impose totalitarian oppression on society any day.

Are we? Where?

>Do you really think that rad-fems are at the cusp of seizing absolute power?

No, but it’s disheartening to see radical feminists discourage conversation, or assume that disagreeing with them is some moral sin that makes me a monster.

Question 5


I disagree with most Evangelicals I meet, and I do consider many of the practices of the religious right to be totalitarian.


Question 6


I have a lot of concern for the group-think of churches, especially ones that tell their followers how to vote and yet don’t pay any taxes. It’s appalling.




One question for you - have you read any of Peterson’s books? I’ll totally buy you a copy of 12 Rules if you’re interested.


u/mrteapoon · 73 pointsr/sysadmin

Honestly, when you go in for "the big talk" just keep your value and importance to your company pinned on your chest. It's a lot harder to let go of someone when they know just how much will have to be done once you're gone.

Doesn't necessarily help after the fact, but you might get some use out of the 48 Laws of Power. Great book by Robert Greene that breaks down some crucial social/professional skills that often go overlooked. I read it for the first time when I was 16 and it really changed the way I approach work relationships as a whole. It's not some kind of self help guru silliness, but rather a collection of historical instances where a small shortcoming lead to the demise of empires, businesses, and even just individual people. Why not learn from the mistakes of generals, kings, moguls, etc? :)


Law 1: Never Outshine the Master
>Always make those above you feel comfortably superior. In your desire to please or impress them, do not go too far in displaying your talents or you might accomplish the opposite – inspire fear and insecurity. Make your masters appear more brilliant than they are and you will attain the heights of power.

u/Ilostmyratfairy · 72 pointsr/JUSTNOMIL

I just saw where you said she works with prisoners as a psychologist. That is frankly terrifying. Contact her superiors and possibly an attorney to see what legal recourse you have to protect yourself from her.

Edited to add: Please consider reading Gavin de Becker's The Gift of Fear. Do not ignore your inner worries when they start dinging this loudly.

u/GlassTwiceTooBig · 71 pointsr/MensRights

MRA: We've got problems, too! Let's fix the rules.

MGTOW: The rules suck, and I'm not playing.

Incel: The rules were specifically designed to screw me over!

Redpill: Feminism's version of men's rights + The Game = profit?

u/RestrainedGold · 70 pointsr/JUSTNOMIL

Please get and read Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That? Inside the minds of Angry and Controlling Men

You need this book right now. Your husband is becoming physically violent because he thought he had you under his thumb and he now realizes that he doesn't. It is very common for men who are emotionally abusive to become physically abusive when a woman leaves them. Everyone around them thinks they "snapped" but that is not really what is going on, it is what we here call an extinction burst.

So glad you got out when you did.

u/ILurvesMeSomePie · 65 pointsr/TheBluePill

I'm really sorry about your previous relationship, OP. hugs You're really brave for getting yourself out of that situation.

There's a really great book I've been reading that's been mentioned a lot, here and in other subs like /r/relationships, called


"Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft.

Bancroft is a counsellor who has worked with abusive men to change their behaviours. In the book, he outlines a lot of tactics that abusers use, which are (surprise, surprise) pretty much the same tactics TRPers talk about to win over women.

He also mentions tips that women can use to identify/avoid potential abusers. (I'll see if I can find that section and post it here)

It's a worthwhile read - you should definitely check it out!


Edit: (Some Key Points from Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That" - How Can I Tell if a Man I'm Seeing Will Become Abusive?)

  • He speaks disrespectfully about his former partners: Be cautious if he is very focused on his bitterness or tells you about his exes early on in your dating. Also, be aware if he says you are nothing like the women he's been involved with - it could be a tactic to get you to work doubly hard to prove you're not like the women he was with.

  • He is disrespectful towards you: Put downs, sneering at your opinions, rudeness towards you in front of other people communicates lack of respect. Also, if he idealizes you, puts you on a pedestal, treats you like a fine piece of china, this is also something to watch out for. He could turn nasty if you don't live up to his perfect image

  • He does favors for you that you don't want or puts on such a show of generosity that it makes you uncomfortable: This may be a sign of someone who is trying to create a sense of indebtedness

  • He is controlling: This usually starts off gradually, with subtle hints about your clothes or looks, or negative remarks about family or friends. Eventually, he may start to show hints of impatience that you don't share the same opinions.

  • He is possessive: Possessiveness shows he doesn't love you as an independent human being but rather as a guarded treasure

  • Nothing is ever his fault: As time goes by, the target of blame increasingly becomes you.

  • He is self-centered: Notice when he does a lot more than his share of talking, listens poorly when you speak, shifts the topic of conversation to himself

  • He abuses drugs or alcohol: Bancroft says that chances are, even without a drug/alcohol addiction, the abuser will always remain an abuser, and will blame his behaviours on the drugs/alcohol. However, be careful if he pressures you to take drugs/alcohol with him.

  • He pressures you for sex

  • He gets serious too quickly about the relationship

  • He intimidates you when he's angry

  • He has double standards

  • He has negative attitudes towards women

  • He treats you differently around other people

  • He appears to be attracted to vulnerability


    Edit #2: Gilded? Me? Gilded? Oh, wow! I'm all of a dither

    breathes into a paper bag

    Thank you so much, kind redditor!

    Oh, and for those of you looking for Why Does He Do That?, here's a link to Amazon:

    http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656




u/fast_duck · 65 pointsr/news

This is called C-PTSD and in some ways is worse than PTSD.

C-PTSD is basically caused by prolonged trauma that you can't escape. If a kid never feels safe then they can't grow from bad experiences and rather are just broken down by them. How it expresses itself varies a lot though.

If you think you or someone you know has C-PTSD I recommend reading Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving.

u/Shojo_Tombo · 65 pointsr/AmItheAsshole

It sounds like you and your wife both use acts of service to say 'I love you', which can translate into unintentionally parenting behavior (especially when you have (three!) babies in the house. You both should read The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts to better understand the way you each communicate with each other.

You may also find it helpful if you consider that she's not mothering you out of pity or the belief that you are incapable of adulting. Like someone already said, it's incredibly difficult to turn off 'parent mode', especially if taking care is her love language. When you get frustrated, remember that it's the two of you against the problem, not you against her.

In my experience, it really makes a difference to be clear about how you are feeling in situations like this instead of focusing on the other person's actions. You might want to take a breath and gently say, "I'm frustrated right now because I want to pull my share of the weight, and I feel like you are taking on too much. I love you and appreciate how much you do. Please let me do this so we can divvy up the work more evenly." This shifts the focus to how you feel about the situation instead of placing blame/attacking the other person (not your intent but she may have felt that way), reminds her that you are a team, and that you love her which is always nice to hear.

u/SmileAndGlasses · 63 pointsr/sex

THIS! My fiance and I have been having a rough time matching my high libido to his very low one, so I started seducing him all the time. I went from making kind of subtle references that I was interested in sexing to just putting my hand on his junk and seeing if he was into it. That went wonderfully for the past few months, but then I was worried he wasn't wanting sex and he was just feeling obligated to do it, so I asked if he could try seducing me like he would a girl he'd just met. He did that the other night and I can't tell you how awesome the sex was.

Also, I know it sounds really shitty (I usually hate self-help books), but if your relationship is tripping up, try reading The 5 Love Languages. A friend recommended it and even though it's a bit religious-y at points, it's still an overall good book with great points.

u/[deleted] · 63 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

You should read The Gift of Fear, it addresses more or less this exact issue.

Essentially what it says is that no matter what you say, every time you contact the person you're trying to avoid you buy yourself another six weeks of misery as they respond to it. You have nothing to gain and a lot to lose by contacting her. If you ignore ten emails and reply on the eleventh, the only thing she learns is that it takes eleven emails to get you to respond. She is literally incapable of internalizing the ideas you put forward in your letter. The absolute best response, and from my perspective the only response that will work for your benefit, is complete and utter silence.

Resist the urge, OP! Resist!

u/artificial_grape · 56 pointsr/xxfitness

This, a million times over. Never, ever worry about being polite when you feel threatened.

The Gift of Fear is a good read and might help you feel better about your new situation.

u/xyzzzzy · 52 pointsr/AskMenOver30

Read this book, like yesterday:

Getting Things Done: The Art of Stress-Free Productivity by David Allen https://www.amazon.com/dp/0143126563/ref=cm_sw_em_r_mt_dp_U_9FNDDbKFBSB1Y

Edit: apparently that's the new edition, I haven't read it, I endorse the original edition: https://www.amazon.com/dp/0142000280/ref=cm_sw_em_r_mt_dp_U_OMNDDbEZQEPXN

It's not magic (nothing is magic) but it started my journey toward being more productive.

u/stackofbricks · 46 pointsr/Stoicism

Instead of giving you advice, I have the perfect book recommendation that will come pretty close to directly answering your question. I read this years ago, but only just found it again and am giving it another read through.

The book is called 'So good they can't ignore you: why skills trump passion in the quest for work you love' by Cal Newport.

The author actually has a computer science degree funnily enough. In it he uses empirical evidence to argue that the common advice of 'follow your passion' is flawed and unrealistic, and generally bad advice. After arguing that he puts forward his arguments about what the best course of action is if you discount the passion hypothesis. Its full of examples of people he interviewed who took different approaches to end up doing what they love, why some failed at it and why some didn't. I really can't recommend this book more highly actually, I think it will be perfect for you.

Here is the amazon link
https://www.amazon.com/Good-They-Cant-Ignore-You/dp/1455509124

u/DocGonzoEsq · 44 pointsr/JUSTNOMIL

So proud of you. You’ve got this. Stay diligent. Know this: It’s going to get worse. Make sure your daughter’s doctors and childcare know about your mom. Password protect discussing your daughter. Put it in writing, have them sign it. Research grandparents rights in your state. You are clearly resourceful, but I am assuming you do not have the resources she has.

I will get this ball rolling. Your mom was and is abusive. She is likely a narcissist. I highly recommend r/raisedbynarcissists and r/CPTSD. Your mom is relentless. Your mom follows the prototypical pattern of an emotionally and psychologically abusive narcissistic parent.

2 books I highly recommend:

https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842

https://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436

Those books are printed validation. It is so easy to accept that you were abused if you were physically beaten. If can be so much harder to accept you were abused if you weren’t. It doesn’t matter that she didn’t hit you. I grew up with Parents who fed, clothed, and educated me. They never hit me (from what I can remember). But without a doubt they were psychologically and emotionally abusive, and I didn’t figure that out until I was 38, partly because of the conditioning of the abuse.

These reddit communities are strong, experienced, empathetic, brilliant, and present. They will help you see the patterns and develop tools. They will help you set and enforce boundaries. They will listen and give you incredible advice and support, even though they don’t know you, because, in reality, they do know you. And your mom. And your situation. And the patterns. And the way out.

You’ve done so much. You will have to do more. You are not alone.

u/mlbontbs87 · 43 pointsr/AskReddit

There are several books of this type, but the best is called The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Dr. Chapman is a Christian, but it's solid counsel for anyone in a relationship.

u/OutThisLife · 42 pointsr/everymanshouldknow

If you're serious about learning small talk, just read this book: http://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/0671027034

And if you want to better your relationships w/ your spouse, and even close friends, read this: http://www.amazon.com/The-Love-Languages-Secret-Lasts/dp/0802473156

u/bcktth · 42 pointsr/seduction

There are plenty of good things out there, I have each of these items bookmarked on my laptop (minus the books, which I already own). These 10 links have impacted me the most to go out there and get what I deserve. Because the truth is, stepping into this game you are going to be tested and have your fair share of failure/success.

It's not so much what you do, wear, or act that will determine your success, it's how solid you are on the inside so you can take what comes your way and not even flinch.

Enjoy!

1. Reddit post - "Not giving a fuck" by Mesonoxian : The title explains itself.

2. Article - Top 5 regrets people have on their death bed : Avoid these regrets while you still can!

3. Article - 30 things to stop doing to yourself : Print this out and tape it somewhere now!

4. Article - Top 10 mistakes men make with women : We've all done them, now learn how to stop.

5. Video - Eulogy of Bobby Kennedy as spoken by Ted Kennedy : This speech is true inner game.

6. Video - Powerful Inspirational true story...Don't give up! : Finish what you start, like this man.

7. Video - How Bad Do You Want It? (football) : Makes me want to move mountains every time!

8. Video - How Bad do you want it? (boxing) : This defines passion.

9. Book - The Four Agreements : Want to live stress-free? This book is how you can.

10. Book - Bang! : Slow start but an essential read for rock-solid inner game.

u/seventeenninetytwo · 41 pointsr/NoStupidQuestions

Your dream life is 100% possible today. You can get remote gigs as a programmer making 6 figures working 5 hours a day if you have the aptitude for it. So if you're fine making $50k per year (which is more than enough for van life), you could work like 15-20 hours per week doing consulting work over a satellite internet connection from your van. And then take all the rest of that time and live your life. :) But you've got to work to get there because it requires lots of technical expertise in something.

These books have good generic advice for getting there if you're interested. They're by a professor who got into a tenured position while working normal hours (most people on tenure tracks work INSANE hours), so he knows what he's talking about.

https://www.amazon.com/Good-They-Cant-Ignore-You/dp/1455509124

https://www.amazon.com/Deep-Work-Focused-Success-Distracted/dp/1455586692/

u/turkletom · 41 pointsr/offbeat

It's a book by pick up artist, Neil Strauss. It's basically a 'how to' book in the style of "How to Win Friends and Influence People" Except it's about, you know, how to be a dick and manipulate women.

u/atr0038 · 40 pointsr/relationships

I know that this probably gets thrown on here a lot, but have you ever read the book "The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts"? It has done wonders for my marriage, especially helping me understand the emotional euphoria that first comes with dating, and then slowly disappears, which so many of us classify as love. Don't buy into the lies that Rom Com's and TV shows portray as love because even the best marriages have times where they don't feel like being with the other person. I do not think you are a bad or horrible person for feeling this way, but I do think it would be horribly tragic for you to get a divorce, ultimately to discover that no human could ever satisfy this emotional euphoria you desire for an extended period of time, no one.

u/Fey_fox · 40 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

When I was your age I felt the same way. Then as time passed I found out a friend was groped at the bar when some guy she didn’t see came up behind her and grabbed her mouth and crotch in a dark area of the dance floor. Nobody reacted or saw. When I was 25 that’s when a friend I was with got her drink spiked. Someone was dosing people in the club for shits. She went from pretty normal to fall down pass out real fast, we got her home and stayed with her until she was ok, but I don’t want to imagine what could of happened if she wasn’t with us. When I was 26 my roommate was raped, and I had already been sexually assaulted by a guy who lied about wearing a condom.

By the time I was 30 I had been staked by an ex, groped and had dudes I didn’t know suddenly grinding on my ass in the club. I don’t take public transportation but I’ve heard stories from my friends who take the bus of guys exposing themselves or rubbing their dick through their pants while trying to get eye contact with them.

These weren’t and aren’t daily occurrences. I’m pretty cautious by nature. I carry a carry a cat keychain and compared to most people I know I haven’t had to deal with some of the stuff they had. But I wasn’t and am not immune and neither are you.

Keep your head on a swivel. You have been lucky. I hope you stay that way. Point of this is just because you have been lucky and you beaten the statistic so far doesn’t mean that everyone has or that your luck will hold.


There’s a book I recommended to all young adults, especially young women. The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals that Protect Us From Violence. It’s thick but a quick read. I would suggest checking it out.

u/Francis_Dollar_Hide · 38 pointsr/personalfinance

Hello mate, I am also from the North of England, heres my advice:Forget retraining, forget courses, get in at the ground level and learn on the job.(You may need to get your CSCS card: https://www.cscs.uk.com/)

  1. Get into physical shape, start working out. You don't need a gym, you can use your own body weight and Calisthenics. Try r/bodyweightfitness this will help you to improve your sense of self worth and give you motivation to succeed in other areas.
  2. I've always relied on manual labor to make money when in a tight spot. If you are prepared to work hard in unpleasant conditions you will find work. I've poured concrete, replaced rail lines at 3am in February, I've worked at a sewage plant.Try here: https://www.indeed.co.uk/Labourer-jobs-in-North-East
  3. Read this: https://www.amazon.com/12-Rules-Life-Antidote-Chaos/dp/0345816021/ref=sr_1_3?crid=3LHTQH6T2KSO&keywords=12+steps+jordan+peterson&qid=1566839261&s=gateway&sprefix=12+step%2Caps%2C209&sr=8-3

    Good luck!
u/jeffsang · 38 pointsr/AmItheAsshole

NAH - You're clearly not the asshole. However, rather than calling your husband the asshole, I think this may just be mismatched expectations and ways of expressing yourselves. Specifically, check out the concept of the 5 Love Languages (https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X). You don't need to buy the book, as there are articles out there that explain it well enough. The 5 are words of affirmation, physical touch, gifts, acts of service, and quality time. Considering the amount of effort you put into gifts/party for him, it might be because gifts/acts of service are important ways you show him love, so when they're not returned in that way, you're hurt. He might be showing you love in other ways that are more important to him.

u/troutkilgore · 38 pointsr/GenderCritical

-This is just traditional advice, but it says a lot about whether a man respects women: pay attention to how he treats his mother. Does he respect her? Does he look up to her? Those are some good signs. EDIT: y'all I did not mean for this to come across like I think it applies in every case. I don't even know about most cases. But based on my own experience, I think it's a good thing to pay attention to.

-How does he talk about his ex girlfriends? Are they all ~crazy~ or ~bitches~ in his mind? RED FLAG

-If a man says he's a feminist, know that this doesn't mean anything. Wait until he shows that he's feminist in his actions. I once dated an incredibly abusive guy who stalked me after we broke up, but often claimed to be "the most feminist guy he knew" LOL

-Ask him his opinion about feminist issues that are close to you. What does he think about the wage gap? Prostitution? Pornography?(I think it's very hard to find men who aren't flat-out addicted to porn which takes a toll on a relationship, especially if you're anti-porn.) It's not a deal-breaker if he doesn't agree with you 100%, but it's probably a red flag if you find that it's hard to have a rational conversation.

-Finally, I recommend that all straight women read stuff on "pick-up culture" and "game" to identify when men are trying to manipulate you. Reading some of the how-to-manuals for douche-bags can help you identify them. The whole culture is pretty misogynistic. Here's one example: https://www.amazon.com/Game-Penetrating-Secret-Society-Artists/dp/0060554738

u/pizzashill · 36 pointsr/TopMindsOfReddit

This is hilarious, do you have some type of learning disability? Why is it you run around trying to deny the holocaust, you realize Hitler is literally on record calling for the extermination of jews as early as 1920, right?

This shit is just absurd dude, you're a disgusting piece of shit and you need to never breed. I can't even fathom how stupid a person has to be to be a holocaust denier at this point, for the love of god educate yourself:

https://www.amazon.com/Mans-Search-Meaning-Viktor-Frankl/dp/080701429X

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Third_Reich_Trilogy

u/say_the_words · 36 pointsr/fightporn

I grew up like that too. Go lurk at r/CPTSD and learn what you can do about it seeming like yesterday and still hearing her. Check out this book too. Changed my life in the first few chapters. The audio book on Audible is especially soothing.

Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving

u/ManForReal · 36 pointsr/JUSTNOMIL

You should be able to filter their messages to a folder whether you're on an iPhone or an Android.

Then texts go to 'their' folder automatically. You don't have to see them but can check the folder daily, every couple of days or weekly (whatever works for you) & skim msgs for craziness.

This is better than blocking them because it lets you monitor texts on your schedule & gives you a record if legal action becomes appropriate.

If FIL comes after y'all you may have to send them a No Contact letter (certified, return receipt) & call the police if he shows up at your front door & won't leave. You can call the cops without a letter but it provides the authorities more reason to keep them away.

Relax as much as you can. You're adults. They can't guilt you or DH if you don't care. If they try to interfere in your lives you can stop them. Keeping them out of your lives is less stressful than allowing their ugliness / crazy in. Especially with children.

Here's /u/madpiratebippy 's reading list, cut & pasted from a post with her comments:

  • Drama of the Gifted Child

    by Alice Miller. This was THE BOOK that started to set me free. It's a must read book for people with narc/abusive parents and their partners, in my opinion.

  • Toxic Parents

    is a classic about how to see the manipulative patterns from abusive parents and get free of them.

  • Wolf in Sheep's Clothing

    by Dr. George Simon. Man has a PhD in manipulation, and breaks down what the manipulators DO and how to shut it down. He's studied this for 20 years and it's AMAZING.


    Take a deep breath & share your experiences & questions here. You're not alone. Y'all can do this.

    EDIT: fixed link (thanks /u/Starkmoon)
u/blanket999 · 34 pointsr/GenderCritical

That doesn't mean everyone who tells you to up your meds is right, or coming from a good place. Abusive men LOVE to tell their partners they're crazy/paranoid/overly senisitve/imagining things/overreacting

Please read this book

https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656
__
https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat

u/Alephone1 · 34 pointsr/MGTOW

Dude, hate to break it, but high school never ends.


Wait 'till you get in the workplace.


But MGTOW gives you power.


Also read 48 Laws of Power. Lots of good advice.

u/ClassyFarts · 34 pointsr/AmItheAsshole

Angry and controlling men seem to think that there is no way they can be abusive if they don't physically hurt their wife.


YOU ARE ABUSIVE.


Wish I could give your wife this book.

u/ineverremembermyname · 32 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

One hallmark of abuse is "gaslighting", where those looooong conversations bend your reality a bit. Being harangued for hours really does confuse your sense of things. Gaslighting is common from controlling men. Do a bit of research on it and see what you think?

You may not be ready to see that he's emotionally abusing you yet. If he's starting to accuse you of cheating, he may escalate trying to isolate you from friends. When you have friends and an outside life, it's harder for him to keep you; those other people might tell you to leave him.

Please read this book during your lunch break for a few days: http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656/ref=sr_1_fkmr0_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1319053818&sr=8-1-fkmr0

It is a well-reseached, practical insight into seeing if the behavior from your husband could be considered abusive. It may fit with your scientific mindset and clarify your situation a bit.

u/Rtalbert235 · 32 pointsr/AskAcademia

Not a new faculty member -- I started out almost 20 years ago -- but I quit a tenured, almost-full-professor position back in 2011 to start over at a different university that was better suited for my goals, in no small part because of questions like these. I could give a very long answer on this because it's something I've thought about a lot, but I'll keep it short and maybe others can fill in their ideas.

Context: I work at a regional public university (26K students) and am pre-tenure but on the tenure track, up for tenure and promotion in 3 more years. I have a teaching schedule of 24 credits every year, which shakes out to three courses a semester (usually two preps) along with expectations for service and a modicum of research production (we're primarily a teaching-oriented institution). Also and importantly: I have a wife and three little kids and they are way more important to me than my career.

With that background, I usually am working on my stuff about 9 hours per day during the week, and maybe 2-3 hours on the weekends although I prefer not to work on the weekends at all. And it works for me, as I just had a successful halfway-point review for tenure and promotion and all signs are indicating that tenure shouldn't be a problem for me when I finally come up for it.

You asked a bunch of questions in that last paragraph that seem unrelated but actually I think they all hinge on one thing -- making sure that there is a space in your life for work and a space in your life for your life, and making sure that there is no unwanted invasion of one space by the other. What works for me is:

  1. If you want to have a space for stuff in your life that isn't work, you have to set up hard boundaries around that space and defend it.
  2. You have to know exactly what you should be doing at any given moment and also what you should not be doing at any given moment.
  3. You have to choose projects and tasks strategically and manage them rigorously.

    To focus on #2 and #3, I practice the Getting Things Done or "GTD" system of task/time management promulgated by David Allen. It would be well worth your time to go read this book, maybe over the holiday break. I won't try to summarize it other than to say, the cornerstone of GTD is having a trusted system into which you put ALL your projects and tasks organized by context, priority, and energy available and focus ONLY on the next action for each project. This way of thinking will train you to distinguish what you should be doing right now from the many things that you could be doing, and also train you to let go, mentally, of anything other than the next available thing until it's time.

    So I highly recommend GTD. It's no exaggeration that when I discovered GTD a few years ago it changed my life. You asked about what I do to relax and feel peace -- the first thing I do is keep all my projects and tasks organized and under my control. Otherwise there is no peace!

    As for #1, I set aside evenings and weekends for family. That for me is an inviolable law. So, I shut down the computer and don't check email from 6pm to 6am. (I tell students this, and explain why, and they respect it.) I get up at 4:30am so that I can grade from 6-7am every day and not take time out of the weekend. Sometimes (like during finals week) I do have to bring work home. But I've found that I can get a lot done during business hours if I just remain ruthlessly efficient with managing my tasks (see GTD).

    So another aspect of having peace in my life comes from the fact that I never worry that I'm not doing enough to give time and attention to my wife, kids, church, or friends. Making hard boundaries around that personal space and fighting to maintain them makes it possible.

    TL;DR -- I've managed to maintain a good work-life balance and a productive career by practicing GTD and being deliberate about setting hard boundaries around work and family life.
u/LesWes · 31 pointsr/financialindependence

Hey rattlesnake30,

I know exactly how you feel. I still get upset about reflect on my college experience on a regular basis. "Why didn't anyone tell me about what was really important in life!?" "How come everyone tells you to study what you love, and that you can do anything, and you'll be building the future, when in reality there is a 90% chance you'll be working in a cubicle?"

I allow myself these little pity parties so I can dismiss them quickly and get back to my current goals: FI, Music, my marriage, and my fitness (Anyone seen Don Jon?, something like that). Honestly, reading about stoicism helped A LOT. I was pleased to see MMM encounter Stoicism eventually too, although I don't think he's the best intro to it. I liked William B. Irvine's Guide to the Good Life (which you'll find at the library and NOT buy from Amazon if you really want FI :) )

I went to undergrad for Physics and then and M.S. in biotechnology. My 2.5 year program started with promises of "85% of graduates find work with an intro salary of $85k/yr or higher". When I finished, I was un-employed for 6 months and then a fellow Physics major got me a job at a software company doing implementations at ~$40k/yr. $40k still felt great compared to grad school stipends but after a few months I realized that I had all the toys I could want, I could afford vacations, I had a nice apartment, I didn't need more money, what I needed was more time to enjoy those things and to get the hell out of a cubicle. Discovering FI was the thing that finally motivated me to try to get better at my cube job. 3 years later I've doubled my salary and am ~40% of the way to FI.

Like I said, I still get pissed off about college. Enterprise level software implementation is a far cry from biotechnology, but I'd rather be getting paid than pumping pipettes for a temp contract (must have PhD to run a lab).

Know this:

  1. You learned a tremendous amount getting a biomedical science degree! Those words on a resume might be standard if you're applying to a biomedical engineer job, but to many other jobs they are very impressive. I barely escaped with my degree in both undergrad and grad school (C's get degrees) and I still reap the benefits of putting those words on my resume even (or especially) outside my field of study.


  2. No matter how deep your debt is, if you make FI your goal, you'll make progress in no time.

  3. You don't need to know what your passion is now. I'm in my 30's and I still haven't found a job that I really care about. I'm still looking, and I'm still open to finding it, but it just hasn't happened yet. Once I'm FI, I'll be able to work or volunteer with organizations or on my own, on projects that I KNOW will energize me and I can't wait.

    Stick around. It gets better!
u/MarcusKilgannon · 31 pointsr/MensLib

https://www.amazon.com/Mindset-Psychology-Carol-S-Dweck/dp/0345472322

I found this was a great book to challenge that mindset. It helped me a lot anyway.

u/nagz_ · 31 pointsr/LifeAfterNarcissism

A few things I've learned that help...

​

1.) Get a therapist, check your insurances coverage first.

- After that you can find some that specialize in what you need, email a few to see if it would be a good fit for you. This website (Psychology Today) is like a google search for mental health help.

2.) Focus on self love and self care make a morning, nightly, and weekly routine. Commit to having "me time." This is just like making sure you have three meals a day.

- Make a special day/night for yourself once a week. Think if you were going on a date with your crush and all of the things you would do to make it so special, but that date is with yourself!

3.) Read Codependent No More

4.) The more you work on yourself, the better you can empower others by just your own [radiant] positivity; by this you are prioritizing your needs first always.

- This is a personal belief I have found through everyone from athletics to artists. I've learned the most in life from people who have improved their own situation to the fullest, and they never stop!

5.) Strictly only be friends with people that support you!

6.) Read You can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay.

- It's saved my life! Some of it is a little funny but just look at the overall message of what she's trying to say.

​

*I'm going through exactly what you are night now and it feels like you will never get out of the cycle, but you will! It takes a lot of time and pure commitment and belief that you will get better!

​

Much love to you! ❤️

u/0ut0fBoundsException · 31 pointsr/niceguys

I'd encourage you to do more research. Most abusers are extremely charming and emotionally manipulative. Many abusers seem like genuinely great people to everyone around them because they're not just some general indiscriminate asshole, and they may treat everyone other than the victim very well. There's a book about exactly this, the author did a lot of investigation through interviews with both the abused and the abuser. Most of the abusers saw nothing wrong with their actions because they veiwed the victim as sub-human and belonging to them.

At the end of the day, it's a power thing and abusers use a wide variety of tactics to gain power of their abuser, ranging from physical abuse to often making the victim doubt their own mental facilities through creative methods.

Two of the most fascinating to me were the following.

One guy would hide things his wife needed, like keys when she was leaving, and then watch as she became increasingly frantic. Once she was in tears, turning the house upside down, tearing her hair out, he would leave the keys in an obvious place like a table and say something along the lines of, "look it's right there. I don't know why you can never find things, you're losing you mind"

Another guy dimmed the lights, Everytime his wife left the room and then would adamently deny it, and call her paranoid and imagining things.

u/harry_manbach · 31 pointsr/GetMotivated

This is from a series of books by Carlos Castaneda and you can find the books here

Well worth the read. Start with "The Teachings of Don Juan"

Edit: Since i know im going to hear "no it isnt...it has its own book" there is a book called "The Four Agreements" but the author readily admits that the teachings come from the late Carlos Castaneda.

u/crosschain · 30 pointsr/HumansBeingBros

Remember the greatest gift you can give her is the boundaries and space to discover that she is enough on her own.

[Codependent No More](codependent no more: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself https://www.amazon.com/dp/0894864025/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_5gXxCbVN1W5AG) . This book changed my life and my approach to relationships.

u/modelmonster · 30 pointsr/simpleliving

I think you might be viewing all work as the rat race, which isn't correct. The people who say 'this is just being a grown-up, deal with it' are making the same mistake. It's possible to set up your life to avoid this by finding enjoyable work and having low enough expenses that you can take risky or low-paid options. So:

Develop valuable skills that you enjoy using You need skills that you can exchange for things you need or care about such as money, schedule flexibility, short hours, or interesting work. You say you are not good at many things. You'll need to get good at at least one thing that other people will pay you for. The book So good they can't ignore you is the best resource on this topic. It's about building a satisfying career by developing valuable skills. Also check out this series of blog posts from the author.

Reduce your costs If you can avoid big expenses that other people spend on, then you have a lot more flexibility to pursue career options that are more enjoyable but are risky or low income. For example, move to a cheaper region of the world, live on a sofa, live in a van, don't have a car, don't have a partner who cares a lot about domestic comfort. I'm not sure what the best online resources are for this, but try googling things like: minimalism, frugal, early retirement, mrmoneymustache, vanlife, and digital nomad.

u/jascination · 30 pointsr/lostgeneration

I expect to get downvoted into oblivion for this, but I don't care, you need to hear this.

Man the fuck up. Seriously. Man the fuck up. You sound like a wingey little kid. You're 25 for christ's sake, start acting like it. Yeah, things aren't working out for you. So what? You sound like a classic example of someone who lets his past failures hold him back.

Take a bit of responsibility for your life and stop letting minor setbacks ruin you. Your internship fell through? Big whoop, go find another one. Your letters of recommendation didnt get written? Did you chase them up? If someone says they'll do something for you, and they don't do it, you kick their arse, annoy the shit out of them, until they do. if you can't get the job you want, then you're doing something wrong. Don't blame the job, blame yourself. Either you don't have the necessary skills, or you're not marketing yourself in the right way.


>Within a year, I expect to be dead by my own hand, the victim of one too many misfortunes.


Get fucked! You seem to think that the world owes you a fair go, that if you wait around long enough someone will take you by the hand and solve all your problems for you. Aint gonna happen, that's not the way the world works. People go through a lot of shit, but you've gotta weed through the shit and find the good parts. You don't like your family? Move out. Move to a different town. Hell, I moved to a different country. Can't find the job you want? Like I said, either you're aiming too high or you're not presenting yourself in the right way. Judging from this:

>Most companies to whom I send resumes don't even read the cover letter before sending me a form letter saying that I'm not a good fit for their position or deleting it entirely

It sounds like you THINK you've got the necessary skills for a job, but aren't getting it because employers have some sort of unanimous grudge against you. Yeah, right. Either your cover letters are crap, or your resume is crap, or you're underqualified. There are plenty of places/people that will read over your resume and cover letters and give you feedback on how to get an interview.

>I do not expect to have children, even if I should manage to survive until then--doing so would require finding one person who gives a shit about me personally

Wow, you really seem like a barrel of laughs mate. Read The Game, join your local lair, make some friends and get laid. I head your pessimistic mind saying "No, that's a waste of time, people just don't like me and blahblahblah". Yeah, you're probably right. So change, and the world will start to treat you better.

Get your shit together man. No one's gonna do it for you, you have to take responsibility for your life and for the path that you're taking. If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you've always been getting. I'm gonna say that again so it sinks in a bit:

If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you've always been getting.

So man the fuck up. Rather than having a boo-hoo-look-at-me-my-life-is-so-horrible-and-hard-and-no-one-understaaaaands pity party, try changing a few things about yourself. Be more positive, stop talking about depressing things. The more you talk about your problems, the more "real" they seem.

If life kicks you in the face, get the fuck up and kick it in the balls.

u/poundt0wn · 30 pointsr/fffffffuuuuuuuuuuuu

In case people don't know what you are talking about

https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X

It's an interesting read, my wife and I read it before we got married.

u/greychuck · 29 pointsr/Parenting

Highly recommend Codependent No More if you have never read it, great book for the non-addicted partner in a relationship harmed by addiction.

Highly recommend Al-anon.

These resources are a starting point to help you take back some control of the only thing you can control: your own decisions. You know how you want him to stop making excuses and attack his addiction with real treatment? You need to do the same, attack your acceptance of this and your coping strategies that seek to pick up the slack, enable, smooth things over, negotiate, etc.

You owe it to your child and yourself to work on these issues regardless of what he does. You can't negotiate him into change, you can't force him to change, you can't control things enough to make him change, you can't make change easy enough to where he magically changes. The only thing you can control is you, and that's scary and hard enough.

u/1_player · 28 pointsr/pics

I really enjoyed this one: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Guide-Good-Life-Ancient-Stoic/dp/0195374614

Other than that, Meditations and Enchiridion are must read as well.

u/Drop_ · 28 pointsr/sex

Talk to her about it before giving into her request.

You need to figure this out, as you have some well justified insecurities about it (seeing your SO enjoy someone more than they seemingly ever enjoyed you would be devastating).

Sex isn't a defining part of a relationship, but it is a critical one for the most part. If you didn't enjoy the experience you should think about it and discuss it with her.

I keep telling people to read this book when it comes to non-monogamous things in relationships. I think you would benefit from doing so as it would make it easier to understand your feelings and to articulate them and your concerns to your SO.

You need to stall or delay or straight up tell her what you've said here:

>I don't want to make this part of our normal repertoire

You can look into it more, but if you don't want this to be a normal thing you shouldn't let it become one.

u/Celtic_Queen · 28 pointsr/JUSTNOMIL

This. Girl you need a will and guardianship papers stat! Find a good family law or estate attorney and get it done. It's worth the money. Keep a copy on file at your house (in a safe, if you have one), a copy at your lawyer's office and a copy at a bank deposit box (if you don't have a safe.)

Be sure to check the security at your day care. Do they have a pick-up list? Do they enforce it? My son's daycare required a pick-up list. The parent had to call in and let them know someone else was coming. And that person had to show ID when they picked up. See if you can set a password on your account, so if someone comes to get your child, they have to show ID and give a password.

Sounds like you're already doing great on the documentation and the home security. You might want to consider getting a safe. They're not that expensive. We got a 2.5 cubic foot one at Sam's Club and it was $300, I think. It holds a ton of stuff - our taxes, important papers, passports, my good jewelry. That way you could keep your documentation safe too. Especially the baby's birth certificate and social security card. If you can't swing that right now (which I certainly understand with having a new baby), maybe a safe deposit box at your local bank.

Finally, I recommend reading The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker, if you haven't already. It's all about trusting your own instincts in troubling situations. There are so many disturbing red flags in your post that are screaming "Danger! Danger!" in my head, and I don't even know this woman.

Good luck with everything. I hope you have some calm so you can enjoy your new little one without being stressed. And so that you can heal. Enjoy every moment because you blink twice and they're 10 years old. Everyone says it, but it really is true.

u/Righteous_Dude · 28 pointsr/AskMen

> I wanna do something simple and nice for my boyfriend

Are you familiar with the book "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman?

It suggests that each man and woman has a "love language" that speaks more to them,
one of these five: quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, or physical touch.

So each person in a couple could think about what is theirs, and let the other person know. For example, if a woman's "love language" is words of affirmation, she would consider a gift a nice gesture, but she'd rather hear the words of affirmation more often. If her husband is giving her plenty of gifts, she may still not feel loved.

A person sometimes expresses their own desired love language to their partner, assuming their partner has the same. So the woman may give her husband lots of words of affirmation, when really he is starved for some physical touch. If she learns what actually speaks to him, she can then express love in his desired form.

So, OP, consider or ask your boyfriend which of those five sorts of things would he most think shows your care for him. And while you're at it, let him know what most appeals to you.

u/sd_glokta · 28 pointsr/Stoicism

For those interested, his main work is Man's Search for Meaning.

u/nzadrozny · 27 pointsr/Entrepreneur

Bootstrapped 10 years ago, kept the team tiny until just about 3 years ago. So I know the feeling!

You don't need to do it all. You need to do enough.

You're already on to a good first step: you've got a list of the 'buckets' you're spending your time in. Researching gigs, prospecting leads, emailing with clients, website redesign, social media. Plus, you know, the actual work. (For you: videography; for me: software engineering and operations.)

One sanity check is to accept that you're not going to get everything done. This is not the same as giving up, or lowing the bar, or accepting less for yourself or your business. It's a legitimate forcing function that will help you get organized and working on the right things.

If you can't do it all, then what do you do? How do you decide on what it is the most important?

Start with your buckets. There may be an inherent order of priority to them. I might suggest you start with billing and accounting for work that's been done. You don't want to neglect that, otherwise you just invalidate your hard work. Then there's the actual doing of billable work, which everything else is meant to support. Last, the supporting activities, like marketing.

You have a fixed amount of time in the day. Give each of these buckets a fixed amount of time, and a position on your schedule, relative to their priority. You could spend the first hour sending invoices, receiving payments, doing general bookkeeping and planning. Then your project management, reviewing emails with clients, prioritizing tasks for the day. The rest of the morning, dive in to your billable work. If you don't have billable work at the moment, build a hobby project that you can use for marketing.

After lunch, spend an hour on promotion, then back into a couple hours of work. Closing out the day, another block of communication with clients, then research opportunities and prospect for leads, along with whatever other habit might help you unplug and unwind so you can get some rest and recovery.

So time management is important. You don't have to plan out your day in five-minute increments, but it's good to have some rhythms and rituals. The important part is that you apply some thought to the kinds of tasks you're doing, where they're coming from, and the relative value of those types of tasks and the tasks themselves. You can't control the volume of supporting tasks, so focus on controlling your blocks of time. Limit the unlimited, apply whatever sorting criteria you can, and focus on finishing what you start.

You may not be able to do it all, and you don't need to do it all in order to be successful. You need to do good valuable work for your clients, and enough supporting work to get paid for it, to keep more work coming, and to keep improving the business itself.

I'll wrap up with maybe slightly more prescriptive pieces of advice.

If you don't already have one, you definitely want a bookkeeper and an accountant. Clean books from day one is super valuable. You don't want tax season to be a major time sink. There are plenty of solo or small CPA shops in your area that work with small businesses on a retainer basis. I'd rather spend $500/mo on a bookkeeper+CPA combo than a virtual assistant.

Outsource to software tools as much as possible. This Twitter thread is probably overkill for what you need at your scale. But you may get some good ideas. Software scales really well, you can get a lot done with a $50/mo or (eventually) a $500/mo tool.

If you choose not to use software, and scale with people, make sure that everything is written down and inspected! You should be able to take someone's notes on how they're doing a task, and replicate it yourself. If I was doing one thing differently, this is something I'd do more of. Do a task the first time, document it the second, and by the 10th or 20th time you can think about delegating or designing a system.

Get really good at email. Gmail has a bunch of great tools, get to know them. Commit to inbox zero every day; multiple times a day. Snooze liberally. If it's in the inbox, it's an action item you're working on right now. If it's not actionable, get rid of it. You can skim quickly, but remember, you can't do it all.

If your email back and forth consists of scheduling calls or meetings, stop now and check out Calendly. You need it, or something like it, to take the guesswork out of scheduling.

Your personal productivity is important. Getting Things Done is worth studying, if you haven't already. Check out GTD in 15 minutes for an overview of the book's content.

And last but not least, remember to take time for yourself! You need time away from work to rest and recharge and be a person. That's the wellspring of your creativity and drive to be an entrepreneur and a creator. Nurture it. And have fun!

u/Erosthete · 27 pointsr/niceguys

Abusers will try to convince you their feelings are the problem. "I was mad, I was frustrated, I felt scared of losing you, I just love you so much". But everyone experiences those same emotions without abusing others.

An abuser does not have a problem with how they feel, they have a problem with how they think. They think they're entitled to attention, care-taking, interest, to a person giving up who she is to focus entirely on the abuser's needs. And when they don't get what they think they're entitled to, they feel entitled to call that person horrible things. They give themselves permission to express those feelings based on how they think.

Never be misled; if someone talks to you this way its not because "they were mad". It's because they think it's okay to express their anger in that toxic unfair way. Read more here if you need

u/PlantBasedLove · 27 pointsr/AskWomenOver30

read this book

It is called "The Four Agreements"

One of the agreeements is - Don't Take Anything Personally

Nothing others do is because of you.What others say and do is a projection of their own dream.


We take things personally when we agree with what others have said.
When we do not agree, the things that others say cannot affect us emotionally.
When we do not care about what others think about us, their words or behavior cannot affect us.


I have a lot of experience with men because of my age - some men just say the stupidest things, but it has nothing to do with you!!! It took me forever to learn this!!

You are being cast in a movie - You are being cast the way you are right? Did they tell you to get a trainer? Or has he? Exactly.

He is used to yoga teacher bodies. But he is with you.....Who is this about....?

Normally i go for latina girls with big boobs and no tattoos.....and again....who the fuck cares??? LOL

It is so freeing to not let these people rent space in my head.

Be free.

u/Calvinb27 · 25 pointsr/hockey

I was not prepared for this, but I may have just read one of the best book reviews of my life about your captain's The Game:

"I know I'm taking a risk by even acknowledging its existence and my familiarity with its contents. It may not be interpreted kindly that an Orthodox rabbi (in training) reads *this* widely. But this book tells a story of ethical tension that is, hands down, the most powerful treatise on morals and group dynamics I have ever read. Period.


I found it at once the modern man's sefer mussar of choice, and the endgame of every single Reality TV show every made. But it is not for everyone.


You'll know if it's for you after reading the first 10 pages.


(The first 5 are here: [http://www.amazon.com/gp/reader/00605...])


THE GREAT novelty in this book is simple: credibility. The author walks down roads, and perhaps comes to conclusions, that ultimately reflect an eerily familiar set of values. However, this presentation is backed up by his experience, and so we trust his authority.


And who is "we"?: non-authoritarian, ethical, sexually aware (not necessarily active) human beings who thoughtfully approach the question: What kind of relationship is a good one? Because before we even seek an Other, we must choose: wordless college hook-up, one-night stand, short term "friend", long term friend "to have fun with", companion, life partner, or spouse/best-friend to start a family with. This book may make you question your unconscious assumptions or conscious decisions in this area.


(I admit my assumption that female readers can also gain these things from a man's story.)


Authoritarians ask their authorities (clergy, philosophers, etc.) and skip the discovery process I describe. Unethical people should have little interest in the book, as ethical-tension is the book’s essential content, and they can get more direct material online. Finally, sexually -unaware or -sensitive folk (e.g., modest or religious individuals) won’t stomach the mildly graphic descriptions of what the protagonist lived through – ignorance is bliss, for them.


Understand:
A 'pickup artist' is an amateur social scientist who adopts a language of "technology" complete with acronyms and jargon in order to systematize interpersonal relations: in this specific instance, how to get girls into bed. With the internet as catalyst, they formed a community, granting the unprecedented ability to share knowledge and methods.


The author is an NYT and then Rolling Stone reporter who, born and raised a geek, discovered this community of pickup artists. To make a long story short, he mastered the "art". How did it change him? Does power corrupt? Esp. power over sexuality?


The book is selfish. I.e., it is about self-discovery, self-esteem, self-worth. It is about the connection sex has to the self, and reveals much about the modern cultural condition. It also tells a story, and effortlessly, such that rays of life’s truths stream though the filter of (every) author’s unavoidable sins of omission. You will learn what you want to from the book, and therein lies the "danger" in my recommendation.


Full disclosure: I vicariously got something out of my system, learned about the human being, and myself. It validated many concepts I have about friendship, group dynamics, and honesty. It also serves as a warning about the evils of backbiting and gossip, misogyny, and coveting. It has, in its way, said the same thing as such classic Jewish works as Mesilat Yesharim and Orhot Tzadikim (though they say much more as well), and modern day "classics" like Magic Touch and the entire Gila Manolson oeuvre. It complements Wendy Shalit's "Modesty" nicely. I am not a fan or groupie: I am engaged to a woman who has trebled the joy and light in my life, and opened up new worlds to me, my teacher, my student – so I am not a consumer of this. And the only habit I have adopted since reading the book is to smile whenever I walk into a room of people I don't know. Though perhaps, that is life-changing enough..."

u/Galinor · 25 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

I'm sorry, this sounds pretty stressful. Absolutely trust your instincts, and perhaps look into this reading material. I agree with the other poster about loudly telling him to stop, this makes it clear what you want, and it makes the situation clear to observers as well.

I disagree with the other commenter about your carrying pepper spray being 'escalation.' You have every right to carry whatever weapon you consider reasonable.

u/prajna_upekkha · 25 pointsr/CPTSD

>What can you do to calm this down?

​

you can begin Inner Critic shrinking work, as per Pete Walker's CPTSD: From Surviving To Thriving.

(PM if you are searching for a copy)

​

you can begin dissecting, deconstructing, and reprogramming yourself from the Consensus Trance lethal O.S. our family aculturated us into -because that was 'educating' for them too, also blind agents of the Consensus Trance- so that we did not have to think or feel but just resort to 'COMMON KNOWLEDGE' for inviariably every single thing that we have otherwise never thought of [properly] because we've never felt it, never experienced it,

because we, during the process we're told to call 'EDUCATION', are indoctrinated into 'believing' (without giving it a single thought of our own really) that what the majority believes/accepts/reflects to 'know' as per shown by their actions, is the right thing –that others know better than us simply because they were here before us or simply because they are more (in number), or more experienced (they are definitely NOT, and current state of society undisputably shows that), etc.

Search on this sub for the best reprogramming books and authors references on that -and all related so- topic.

In the last decade of my life I've been recommending these same books to friends and people actively working on reprogramming themselves; my go-to usually: Alan Watts, Jiddu Krishnamurti, or dig deep directly in Charles Tart's work (there are PLENTY others too).

​

They are long-term works,(never feels like 'work' to me!) but they're necessary if the inner critic is that powerful.

Please understand toxic inner criticism is a corrupt programm (in that it harms its 'host'), and PLEASE do understand that it does NOT come from you, it is not you, and above all understand that no matter what you 'think' right now about it, shutting up that self-shaming voice goes hand in hand with reprogramming yourself.

Along with Walker's practical self-therapy, there's a lot you can do there.

​

Last but not least, I am giving you this advice because it has been my own personal experience, in which my intuition led me to all these authors and ´viewpoints' again and again; within a couple years I was free from that conditioning, as free as I've gotten –if not completely, quite close to it.

​

​

u/DarkSoulFood · 24 pointsr/SamandTolki

Absolutely.

Start with this book: https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842

It's not a therapy book, but rather a sort of overview of the recovery process as told by a psychologist who was abused as a child and went through it.

I would read it. It will give you a lot of guidance as to how to assess where you are at in your healing and where to go from there.

I've got a few posts in my account history about my experiences with CBD oil and ketamine to treat the trauma aspects of CPTSD. These treatments were done with about a year and a half of work with a trauma therapist doing CBT and EMDR.

Now, that I have healed the trauma aspects of it, I am starting to work on the personality disorder aspects of it that unfortunately come from being raised by shitty parents and working on becoming part of a community of people again. I do this with work with my therapist and via a 12 step recovery program with my church.

You have to be willing to accept that you are an asshole and just saying "I have C-PTSD" or "I am dissasociating" doesn't actually mean shit. Harmful actions cause harm. End of story.

12-step recovery programs usually have rules prohibiting you from speaking about anyone else while you are in group. You can only talk about yourself. It's tough, because you can't use your past as a crutch anymore to evade accountability.

I won't lie. The treatment process can be expensive though. Ketamine set me back about $3k and the therapy sessions are $180 and out of my insurance network.

This is why Boogie2988 pisses me off so much lately. Most people who have his high of an ACE score won't ever be able to make enough money to afford to do the work. He's been given this incredible financial opportunity and he's not only not doing the work, but he's spending it on fucking cars.

u/ordinarylove · 24 pointsr/nerdfighters

One thing that I kept coming back to while I was reading the accusations was the idea of enthusiastic consent.

We need to be clear that saying "I'm not interested" for an hour and then finally saying "okay" is not consent, it's manipulation. When you say "no" or "I'm tired" it is not okay for your partner to interpret that as "you really mean yes." As an individual, you need to sit down and think about your boundaries and set clear limits. Don't be afraid to enforce those boundaries if you feel safe enough to do so. Recognize that if someone crosses your line of comfort and safety that they are in the wrong, not you. You get to decide what you are comfortable with and they have to respect it. Situations like the ones involved in Alex Day's incidents are not okay because he crossed personal boundaries. He only cared about his needs and desires and not those of his partners. Good partners don't do that.

I also think we need to think about the effect that we have on our friends and acquaintances around us. We need to stand up against this type of behavior before it escalates into serious crimes. Here is a great resource for scripts you can use when someone you know does something uncomfortable. This is a great resource if you are worried about being a creeper. Finally, an example or two of why we shouldn't just sweep accusations like this under rug for the sake of harmony.

I am a Nerdfighter and will not tolerate any member of our community who uses their power and influence against other members. Those people forgot to be awesome, but we don't have to.

*Edited to add more resources.

Program you can bring up with your school

Fun comic!

A book with some really great information

u/mclb223 · 24 pointsr/Advice

Please trust your gut feelings. If he gives you bad vibes, there's a chance your instincts are trying to tell you something.

The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker is an amazing read that's all about this, following your instincts and listening to the messages your subconscious mind can send you. I highly recommend it, it can put your mind at ease in terms of how to evaluate your own feelings (it's VERY easy to develop a habit of diminishing our feelings by thinking we are overreacting--but we shouldn't do that to ourselves!).

u/sexyfuntimes · 24 pointsr/relationships

Read a book called The 5 Love Languages. The gist of it is that she's communicating her love in a way that you aren't hearing it. Not everyone feels and expresses love via physical contact or breakfast in bed.

u/lemonylips · 24 pointsr/nonmonogamy

First of all, your emotions are not unfounded. They may not be emotions that you want to act on or that you feel proud of- but any jealousy or discomfort or anger or confusion you feel is valid and not something to discredit or disregard especially this early in the game. Suppressing emotions isn't healthy in a monogamous relationship (or even when you're single really) and it's super not healthy in a non-monog one. You can be jealous. You can feel hurt. That doesn't make you bad at non-monogamy or whatever.

You may want to think about why you're feeling the way you are. Your emotions aren't appearing out of thin air- they're probably attached to fears and fantasies about what this all might bring in the future. examine that. Maybe you need a greater time commitment from your boyfriend even if it can't be physical. Maybe you need to set up regular skype dates. Maybe you need him not to sleep with your friends. Maybe you need to be sleeping with someone yourself. Maybe you need a new hobby to help assert your individuality and independence. Maybe you need more reminders that you're sexy. Who knows. Think about it.

You might also be interested in reading a book like Opening Up by Tristain Taormino. I'm sure there are many other good books on non-monogamy and polyamory but that's just the one I'm familiar with. I know that hearing the struggles and joys of other non-monogamous couples can be comforting and can help put your own struggles in perspective. That book also has a few chapters that directly address common issues in open relationships that I found helpful.

u/RedRedRoad · 24 pointsr/WeAreTheMusicMakers


Comprehensive List of Books Relating to Music Production and Creative Growth

<br />


***


On Composition:

<br />


Making Music: 74 Creative Strategies - Dennis DeSantis
Amazon Link
This is a fantastic book. Each page has a general idea on boosting creativity, workflow, and designing sounds and tracks.


Music Theory for Computer Musicians - Michael Hewitt
Amazon Link
Really easy to digest book on music theory, as it applies to your DAW. Each DAW is used in the examples, so it is not limited to a specific program. Highly recommend this for someone starting out with theory to improve their productions.


Secrets of Dance Music Production - David Felton
Amazon Link
This book I recently picked up and so far it's been quite good. It goes over all the different elements of what make's dance music, and get's quite detailed. More geared towards the beginner, but it was engaging nonetheless. It is the best 'EDM specific' production book I have read.


Ocean of Sound - David Troop
Amazon Link

Very well written and interesting book on ambient music. Not only does David go over the technical side and history of ambiance and musical atmospheres, he speaks very poetically about creating these soundscapes and how they relate to our interpersonal emotions.


***


On Audio Engineering:

<br />


Mixing Secrets for the Small Studio - Mike Senior
Amazon Link
In my opinion, this is the best mixing reference book for both beginners and intermediate producers. Very in-depth book that covers everything from how to set-up for accurate listening to the purpose of each mixing and mastering plug-in. Highly recommended.


Zen and the Art of Mixing - Mixerman
Amazon Link
Very interesting read in that it deals with the why's more than the how's. Mixerman, a professional audio engineer, goes in detail to talk about the mix engineer's mindset, how to approach projects, and how to make critical mixing decisions. Really fun read.


The Mixing Engineer's Handbook - Bobby Owinski
Amazon Link
This is a fantastic companion book to keep around. Not only does Owinski go into great technical detail, he includes interviews from various audio engineers that I personally found very helpful and inspiring.


***


On the Industry:

<br />


All You Need to Know About the Music Business - Donald S. Passman
Amazon Link
This book is simply a must read for anyone hoping to make a professional career out of music, anyone wanting to start their own record label, or anyone interested in how the industry works. It's a very informative book for any level of producer, and is kept up-to-date with the frequent revisions. Buy it.


Rick Rubin: In the Studio - Jake Brown
Amazon Link
Very interesting read that is a semi-biographical book on Rick Rubin. It is not so personal as it is talking about his life, experiences, and processes. It does get quite technical when referring to the recording process, but there are better books for technical info. This is a fun read on one of the most successful producers in history.


Behind the Glass - Howard Massey
Amazon Link
A collection of interviews from a diverse range of musicians who speak about creativity, workflows, and experiences in the music industry. Really light, easy to digest book.


***


On Creativity:

<br />


The War of Art - Steven Pressfield
Amazon Link
This is a must-read, in my opinion, for any creative individual. It is a very philosophical book on dealing with our own mental battles as an artist, and how to overcome them. Definitely pick this one up, all of you.


This is Your Brain on Music - Daniel S. Levitin
Amazon Link
A book written by a neurologist on the psychology of music and what makes us attached to it. It's a fairly scientific book but it is a very rewarding read with some great ideas.


***


On Personal Growth and Development:

<br />


How to Win Friends and Influence People - Dale Carnegie
Amazon Link
Although this seems like an odd book for a music producer, personally I think this is one of the most influential books I've ever read. Knowing how to be personable, effectively network, and form relationships is extremely important in our industry. Whether it be meeting and talking to labels, meeting other artists, or getting through to A&amp;R, this book helps with all these areas and I suggest this book to all of you.


7 Habits of Highly Effective People - Stephen R. Covey
Amazon Link
Similar to the recommendation above, although not directly linked to music, I assure you reading this book will change your views on life. It is a very engaging and practical book, and gets you in the right mindset to be successful in your life and music career. Trust me on this one and give it a read.


Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience - Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi
Amazon Link
You know the feeling when you're really in the groove of jamming out and all worries tend to slip away for those moments? That is the 'Optimal Experience' according to the author. This book will teach you about that experience, and how to encourage and find it in your work. This is a very challenging, immersive, and enlightening read, which deals with the bigger picture and finding happiness in your work and life. Very inspiring book that puts you in a good mindset when you're doing creative work.


The Art of Work - Jeff Goins
Amazon Link
A very fascinating book that looks at taking your passion (music in our case) and making the most of it. It guides you on how to be successful and turn your passion into your career. Some very interesting sections touching on dealing with failure, disappointment, and criticism, yet listening to your intuition and following your passion. Inspiring and uplifting book to say the least.


***


Happy reading!

<br />



u/BearJew13 · 23 pointsr/Buddhism

I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder a few years ago. Buddhism helps with my anxiety in many ways:

  • meditation: learning how to meditate is not easy for many people. I meditated on and off for a few years before I starting doing it as a consistent habit every day. All I can say here is that once you learn how to meditate (either via books, online guided meditations or visiting a meditation center/sangha), the science is very, very convincing about the plethora of health benefits meditation will bring you. In particular, I find basic breath meditation and visualization meditations once a day helps me handle my stress and anxiety better, it just gives me an overall increased sense of well being

  • combat negative thoughts with positive thoughts: whenever you catch yourself having negative, anxious thoughts, simply recognize them, then combat them with positive thoughts. This simple exercise, if done habitually, will literally rewire your brain to start thinking more positively. Many psychologists and counselors will teach you this exercise

  • It gives my life meaning. People get anxiety for different reasons, mine was usually existential: worrying that everything is pointless and meaningless, etc. Studying and practicing Buddhism has given great meaning to my life. The Buddha was interested in the happiness of all people, and he taught people from a wide variety of walks of life, and showed them how to imbue meaning into their lives, no matter where they were at spiritually. There's such a rich variety of teachings attributable to the Buddha: teachings to husbands, wives, children, employeers, employees, politicians, monks, etc. It's exciting. My goal is to one day become a Buddha: someone who has discovered the path to obtaining an unshakable liberation of heart and mind, and who shares this path with others. Definitely not an easy goal, but an interesting, meaningful one nontheless :)

  • EDIT: here are some resources: I recommend Mindfulness in Plain English for learning how to meditate and practice mindfulness; and Taking the Leap for learning how to deal with negative emotions. Then I recommend What the Buddha Taught for the best introduction to Buddhism I've found yet. This book even includes an entire chapter about how what the Buddha taught relates to the world today. The author includes several suttas that specifically teach how the dharma applies to the ordinary lay life. Highly recommend.
u/sexybug · 23 pointsr/sex

You need to change your passwords and cut her off iphone tracking. FindMyFriends is a consensual tracking app. Remove your consent. If she has access to findmyiphone, change your Apple ID password, too.

This kind of controlling is not okay.

I've never read this, but I've seen it heartily recommended: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0553381407?pc_redir=1410064080&amp;amp;robot_redir=1

Edit: forgot a letter

u/kinsfw · 23 pointsr/GoneWildTube

Not everyone sees a feeling of possessiveness, jealousy, or even sexual exclusivity, to be a positive thing in a relationship. Some people enjoy sex in groups, some people enjoy a variety of partners. That doesn't mean those people can't have healthy, fulfilling romantic relationships with other consenting adults.

I mean, if you really are curious about how people have healthy relationships like this, I would recommend this short book about open and/or group relationships. It has interviews/profiles of a variety of different non-monogamous relationships: https://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X

Most people would find the idea of sharing their sex videos with strangers to be pretty "weird" or "wrong," but without that then this subreddit wouldn't even exist, right?

u/lefteyedspy · 23 pointsr/LetsNotMeet

It’s probably recommended here all the time, but there’s a wonderful book called The Gift of Fear which teaches the importance of trusting your gut instinct in these situations. You and OP did that well, and it probably saved you.

u/Lordica · 23 pointsr/relationships

Get The 5 Love Languages. See if perhaps you and your wife are just fundamentally misunderstanding what the other needs. To be blunt, why would you marry someone who demonstrated a trait that made you feel resentful? Did you honestly expect her to change after you got married?

u/redux42 · 23 pointsr/pics

+1 to most of the above.

I am on wife number 2 now and SO much happier. I was young and alone and modeled my relationship off of my parent's dysfunctional one... Was in it for 8.5yrs. Got out of it and although there were some rough times, I made it through... I then spent a year or two hooking up with as many girls as I could, then happened upon an AMAZING woman - married her last November.

I got very lucky with meeting the first girl I hooked up with after my ex, but after that it wasn't too rough. My suggestions are:

  1. Read this (though he seems to have a newer book out too) - if only for the confidence bump.

  2. Got on OkCupid. (Its where I met the majority of my hookups, and my new wife.)

  3. Remind yourself that you fucking rock. Know that and act like it, and people (ie women) will see it and respect it.

    Cheers!
u/PixelBot · 22 pointsr/WhereIsAssange

These are specifically targeted towards 4chan users.

My hunch is that they have convicted pedophiles, doing work to allow for early release. But I can't prove that - just throwing that out there.

Another pattern - take it for what it is - it reads like early 2000's seduction techniques. If you don't know what that is, there was a big movement following the release of the book The Game(https://www.amazon.com/Game-Penetrating-Secret-Society-Artists/dp/0060554738) about pickup. Anyway, a huge explosion of online seduction exports popped up in forums, selling memberships, and exhibitions and training courses.

Whoever is working at JTRIG, has familiarity with 4chan, and has probably recruited from there. Just a theory - so take it for what it is.

u/magnoliafly · 22 pointsr/relationships

I highly recommend going to your library and checking out the book Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself. I also recommend seeking the help of a counselor or therapist.

Your behavior is destructive and you need to learn the skills to deal with something like this without letting it ruin or take over your own life in the process.

u/DrexFactor · 22 pointsr/poi

If you're really truly interested in mastering this hobby and applying yourself to learning it, here's what I would recommend:

  1. Define short-term goals. Do you want to learn A, B, and C tricks? Do you want to work on body movement and dance? If you're having a hard time defining this for yourself, look to the spinners you respect and try to figure out what it is about their style you admire and would like to make a part of your own.

  2. Schedule a regular practice. Make an appointment with yourself that you would keep just like an appointment at work. Remember: this is something you're doing for you? Who is more important to keep your promises to in your life than yourself? Doing this will also help keep you from the dreaded "I can't find time to practice" conundrum so many of us wind up in...make times for the things that are important to you.

  3. Create a regular 20-30 minute warmup ritual before you practice. This could be your meditation or a dance warmup, a series of stretches, etc. Pick a piece of music you'll listen to whenever you sit down to do this or have a particular scent of incense you put on. For the spiritual out there, this ritual will help prepare you for the work you're about to do and focus your mind on the task at hand. For the scientific folk out there, this is classical conditioning: you're setting triggers to put your mind into a state of focus and eliminating outside distractions.

  4. Structure your practice around your goals. Want to integrate gunslingers into your flow? Try for one week to get ten spirals and ten meteor weaves every single day, then next week up the ante and practice the transitions between a flower and these moves ten times. Want to work on your dance/flow? Set aside 10-20 minutes to just spin to music and explore the space around you. Some days you'll be on and make lots of progress and some days it'll feel like you're backsliding or hitting your head against the wall. Both are important to the learning process.

  5. Define your overarching goals. What is it you want to do with poi? Do you want to have a fun physical hobby, perform with it, get into the tech world, etc? Figuring out what attracts you to the art will help you focus your energies on practicing those skills that are most in line with what you enjoy. Also be prepared that you may discover something in the course of your practice and experience that changes this dramatically. Reevaluate it every 4-6 months or so.

  6. Learn to love the plateau. We love getting new tricks. We love the excitement of novelty--and it's really bad for us. It teaches us to value the temporary over building in the long-term. Mastery is a lifelong journey where the goal becomes subsumed more and more by the experience of getting there as time goes on. Plateaus are important because they allow you to refine the things you've just learned and polish them into a more beautiful form. It is inevitable that you will spend the majority of your time in the flow arts on a plateau of some sort or another, so the more you make your peace with it early, the easier that journey will become.

  7. Become comfortable with solo practice. All the research we have on mastering skills at this point indicates that it takes thousands of hours of deliberate solo practice to become a virtuoso at a given skill. Spinning with people is fun and you will learn new things, but the majority of the progress you'll make will be on your own. This is harder for some people to adapt to than others, but it is an essential part of the journey (unless, of course, your goal is to become a virtuoso at partner poi ;)

  8. If possible, find a good teacher/coach. A good teacher will push you when you need to be pushed, challenge you in ways you never thought possible, and guide you to becoming the best possible poi spinner that you can become. Sadly, this tends to be a luxury as good teachers in the flow arts world are extremely hard to find, but if you're able to find a good one make every use of their services.

    Good luck with your journey! It's been one of the greatest I've embarked on in my adult life :)

    Here are some books I would recommend on the topic:

    Mastery by George Leonard (talks a lot about mindset and learning to love the plateau)

    Talent is Overrated by Geoffrey Colvin (gives a lot of pointers when it comes to deliberate practice)

    So Good They Can't Ignore You by Cal Newport (lots of counterintuitive but useful info on developing skills)

    The Talent Code by Daniel Coyle (lots of great info about what to look for in a good coach/teacher)
u/EducationTheseDays · 22 pointsr/IAmA

Mindset by Carol Dweck has some good insight. I think I have been lucky genetically, and in the environment I was raised, but I think it is a mindset thing and it takes practise. Also understanding positive/negative feedback loops and how positive thinking will impact your life, might increase motivation for you to develop a positive (growth) mindset as you will appreciate the influence it has.

u/xxbrowneyez · 22 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

usually physical violence is preceded by years of mental abuse and "small" physical assaults such as shoving etc and so by the time the women is being beaten she is often in a really low place mentally. Most often, the abuser is also charming and loving at times so it's a mind fuck thing going on. I recommend the book by Lundy Bancroft http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656

u/_Jake_The_Snake_ · 22 pointsr/Stoicism

The Four Agreements are as follows:

  1. Be impeccable with your word.

  2. Don't take anything personally.

  3. Don't make assumptions.

  4. Always do your best.

    They are from a very short book by Don Miguel Ruiz, and it's definitely worth a read.
u/chasingthewiz · 21 pointsr/polyamory

Start by reading the /r/polyamory FAQ if you haven't yet.

There are many good books out there, and reading any of these will help fill in a lot of blanks for you:

Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships

The Smart Girl's Guide to Polyamory: Everything You Need to Know About Open Relationships, Non-Monogamy, and Alternative Love

The Polyamory Toolkit: A Guidebook for Polyamorous Relationships

Building Open Relationships: Your hands on guide to swinging, polyamory, and beyond!

If you like listening to podcasts, there are a couple good ones I follow: Multiamory Podcast and Polyamory Weekly.

Go slow, read lots, and follow your heart.

u/IANAPUA_Yet · 21 pointsr/sex

https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X

OP, your local library definitely has a few copies. It's worth reading.

u/iliketoridebicycles · 21 pointsr/weddingplanning

My FH and I are not religious; here's what we've tried and found in our 1.5 years together:

  • The 5 Love Languages: It can be at times a bit Christian-centric and sometimes brings up more "traditional" gender roles, but the overall concepts were helpful for us.

  • Intellectual Foreplay: We went through a TON of these questions in our first few months of dating and it really helped us to get those big questions out of the way in the guise of "getting to know each other".

  • I created an extensive list of lists of questions we could ask each other. We'd make it fun by picking random numbers (without looking at the questions first) and taking turns reading the questions. So he'd choose question 4, I'd read it to him, and then he'd answer and then I'd answer. And then we switched. We did maybe 5–10 questions at a time.

  • The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: This one seems most helpful now that we're engaged. We borrowed the audiobook via our local library and have been listening to it in the car. FH really likes it!

    The Gottman Institute, which is by the guy who authored that last book, offers (kind of expensive) weekend workshops around the country, and it also sells an at-home DIY "workshop" for $175 USD. If we have time and extra money, we might try the at-home kit but for now the book is working well for us!

    edit: There's also a program called Prepare Enrich, which is an assessment you both take and then you meet with a facilitator (secular or religious, your choice) in your area to go over your results. The program also offers a DIY version called the Couple Checkup, which they call a "lighter version of the assessment". We haven't really explored these options yet because the Prepare Enrich facilitator we reached out to isn't taking any new clients at this time and my local library had both a physical copy and audiobook copy of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.
u/gte910h · 21 pointsr/AskReddit

It's not optimism: It's choice. It isn't about religion either. Lots of it is mental adjustment (changing what you value, etc, thereby enabling different choices), so people are like WTF no, that's brainwashing. And many of those people who "make it" had to try really f-ing hard to get to a certain place you're envying.

So baby steps. Buy this book (non-affiliate link): http://www.amazon.com/Guide-Good-Life-Ancient-Stoic/dp/0195374614/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;amp;s=books&amp;amp;qid=1310302737&amp;amp;sr=8-1

It's not about religion, it's not about the presence or lack of God, or anything, it's about making your life happier. That's is. It's easy, it's all thinking, and it's not a gimmick. It won't turn you into a robot (the common definition of stoic as some emotionless whatever is wrong). You'll be happier just with some outlook changes with no life changes (but you'll also do some life changes most likely as you realize the pain you see for no useful gain). It's also a good way to gain some courage. I've rarely seen more courage make someone's life worse.

u/Jaded666 · 21 pointsr/TrollXChromosomes

If you don't break up with him after this, at least turn your relationship into a social experiment and start recording his red flags. In future, you will have a long list of red flags that you can easily identify to recognize men who don't respect women. Be prepared for him to eventually try to control your life. ALWAYS have an exit strategy. And please no not move in with him.

I also suggest you please read this book. It was eye opening for me, and I would imagine you could learn a lot from it as well.

u/PartiallyMonstrous · 21 pointsr/JustNoSO

I used to think this to. That my lack of education or caring somehow triggered the violence in my life. If you can find a library, many offer free audio and ebooks, please check out this book. It helped my world make sense.

https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656

u/randomhypnosisacct · 21 pointsr/stupidslutsclub

&gt; After the dinner date we went back to his place. We were on the couch. Nothing had happened yet, he just had his arm around me. I was a little buzzed off the wine, and he said "I want to show you something."

So he didn't talk to you about hypnotizing you, and get your consent? Did you have a talk about limits and what's okay, and how much control he should have?

&gt; He told me a little more about how he likes to use hypnosis to enhance the bedroom. So as we would text, he would send me images about erotic hypnosis all day. When I wasn't at work, he would send me videos, audios, or we would have hypnotic phone sex.

It sounds like you got into a steady relationship, but he sounds like he likes to push past your limits and uses hypnosis to do so, and is isolating your from your friends, family and work. These are all classic abuser techniques. Do you feel safe in your relationship? Are you able to say no and have him respect that? Does he try to control you or speak for you outside of your sexual relationship?

u/_dban_ · 21 pointsr/Buddhism

I wouldn't really say Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is based on Buddhism, and doesn't really teach meditation, mindfulness and loving-kindness the same way as Buddhism.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is based on the principle that your feelings have a lot to do with how you think, and that negative feelings often come from irrational thoughts. CBT provides a toolkit of techniques to help critically analyze thoughts, for example see Dr. David Burn's Feeling Good Handbook.

For example, when you feel down, you can use the triple column technique, writing down your negative thoughts in column 1, identifying the pattern of irrational thinking in column 2, and writing down the more rational thought in column 3, while measuring your mood before and after the exercise to gauge its effectiveness. This practice of inquiry and measurement lets you experimentally determine the CBT technique which is most effective for you.

Thus, CBT is a practice of rational inquiry into thinking patterns, using rationalizing techniques to achieve objectivity. Meditation and mindfulness don't really seem like a CBT techniques, although they do achieve similar effects by using objects of meditation (such as the breath) to allow more objectivity over our thoughts, another way to break the negative feedback loop of negative emotions.

u/V3r1ty · 20 pointsr/relationships

You have already identified this as a jealousy issue. Jealousy comes from insecurity, comes from fear. You are insecure and irrationally fears that she will leave you or doesn't love you or you are not good enough or something. You suffer from negative thinking patterns. Are you by any chance identifying your thought patterns with these mindtraps?

This is a personal issue of insecurity combined with depression. If it wasn't jealousy, you would have found something else to be upset about. Ignore all comments telling you to "get over yourself". It doesn't work. You need cognitive therapy. You can look up self help books like the feeling good handbook, but proper therapy is absolutely recommended. If you just look into options, you can probably find something. Not sure if video calls are an option, but you could look into that.

u/Curudril · 20 pointsr/MurderedByWords

Well, you might want to start with the famous Cathy Newman interview which got a lot of attention. Then, you can get to many of his debates from here. If you are interested to learn more about the ideas Dr. Peterson defends, you can see some videos on his youtube channel. There are also cuts from his lectures all over youtube. A random clip from a lecture. He recently published a book 12 rules for life. And this quora segment pretty much sums up all the basic stuff: https://www.quora.com/What-are-the-most-valuable-things-everyone-should-know

EDIT: typos

u/MonsieurJongleur · 20 pointsr/AskWomen

I certainly did! Thank you.

&gt;Being dumped, especially if we hadn’t had sex, was the worst thing that could happen. I wanted sex, and only women had the power to give or take it away, and in my mind this made them more powerful than anything else.

I think this is at the heart of every young TRP, and a large contingent of the guys on AskMen. To want sex so desperately, and not get it, small wonder they get so angry at the perceived gatekeepers.

One good turn deserves another. Found this book today, someone excerpted it on Tumblr:

&gt;"When [an abusive man] tells me that he became abusive because he lost control of himself, I ask him why he didn’t do something even worse. For example, I might say, “You called her a fucking whore, you grabbed the phone out of her hand and whipped it across the room, and then you gave her a shove and she fell down. There she was at your feet where it would have been easy to kick her in the head. Now, you have just finished telling me that you were ‘totally out of control’ at that time, but you didn’t kick her. What stopped you?” And the client can always give me a reason. Here are some common explanations:

&gt;"I wouldn’t want to cause her a serious injury."
&gt;“I realized one of the children was watching.”
&gt;“I was afraid someone would call the police.”
&gt;“I could kill her if I did that.”
&gt;“The fight was getting loud, and I was afraid the neighbors would hear.”

&gt;And the most frequent response of all:

&gt;"Jesus, I wouldn’t do that. I would never do something like that to her.”

&gt;The response that I almost never heard — I remember hearing it twice in the fifteen years — was: “I don’t know.”

&gt;These ready answers strip the cover off of my clients’ loss of control excuse. While a man is on an abusive rampage, verbally or physically, his mind maintains awareness of a number of questions: “Am I doing something that other people could find out about, so it could make me look bad? Am I doing anything that could get me in legal trouble? Could I get hurt myself? Am I doing anything that I myself consider too cruel, gross, or violent?”

&gt;A critical insight seeped into me from working with my first few dozen clients: An abuser almost never does anything that he himself considers morally unacceptable. He may hide what he does because he thinks other people would disagree with it, but he feels justified inside. I can’t remember a client ever having said to me: “There’s no way I can defend what I did. It was just totally wrong.” He invariably has a reason that he considers good enough. In short, an abuser’s core problem is that he has a distorted sense of right and wrong.

&gt;I sometimes ask my clients the following question: “How many of you have ever felt angry enough at youer mother to get the urge to call her a bitch?” Typically half or more of the group members raise their hands. Then I ask, “How many of you have ever acted on that urge?” All the hands fly down, and the men cast appalled gazes on me, as if I had just asked whether they sell drugs outside elementary schools. So then I ask, “Well, why haven’t you?” The same answer shoots out from the men each time I do this exercise: “But you can’t treat your mother like that, no matter how angry you are! You just don’t do that!”

&gt;The unspoken remainder of this statement, which we can fill in for my clients, is: “But you can treat your wife or girlfriend like that, as long as you have a good enough reason. That’s different.” In other words, the abuser’s problem lies above all in his belief that controlling or abusing his female partner is justifiable…."

u/YesIStick · 20 pointsr/seduction

Dude, I love you asking about books!

Codependent No More

No More Mr. Nice Guy -I was raised by a very Beta father, and influences significantly by feminism over my education through teachers and friends’ parents. These two books helped break that and accept it is okay to be a fucking male and make your own way in this society.

•The 3rd is not a book but a podcast: The MFCEO Project also available on SoundCloud, and stitcher. I linked episode 107 because it greatly influenced how I structure my approach for life. I also highly recommend episode 141, the battleground mentality, it also helps address approaching society and how we make excuses.

Way of the Wolf - teaches business principals with a tried and true system. It isn’t for everyone but Straight Line selling is a very powerful tool.

Discipline Equals Freedom -This wasn’t as influential for me as I had already placed the development tools it teaches into place, but for anyone starting off on their self development journey I highly recommend it.

u/squidiron · 19 pointsr/TheRedPill

This is basically the point of So Good They Can't Ignore you. An MIT Comp Sci PhD researched and interviewed a bunch of folks to figure out how people have a good career. His conclusion was to get really good at something, and you will become passionate about it (he actually calls "following your passion" a trap).

edit: fixed link

u/stefani13 · 19 pointsr/AskWomen

There is a book called the five love languages. It talks about the five main ways people feel loved. What makes you feel loved may not make your significant other feel loved. For example, if receiving a gift from your S.O. makes you feel most loved, you may feel like giving your S.O. a gift makes him/her feel loved as well, but that may not be important to them. Maybe their love language is physical touch, and therefore sex, or backrubs, or hand holding makes them feel most loved.

TLDR: It's a book that discusses different ways people feel loved. Not a bad read IMO.

u/LilBadApple · 19 pointsr/AskWomenOver30

I want to mention that while this was a great self observation on u/Cejarrood's part (and kudos to you for asking how you can make your partner feel loved, although it does seem to be potentially solely within the context of getting sex), what is true for her is not necessarily true for your girlfriend. You girlfriend may be less interested in sex than you because she's not feeling loved, or she could have hormonal sex drive dip because of menopause, or be stressed about work, or have a chronic headache, or have had a dream where you killed her brother the night before, or any number of countless reasons. I think it's great to get other women's perspectives but you really need to talk to your girlfriend about her experience, it will save you a lot of time. And if she does say something like she loves sex when she feels loved, relaxed and happy, then ask *her* what are things you can do that make her feel that way. Again, it could be a solo bubble bath and time away from the kids for one person, and for another it's a family outing, and for another it's an intimate cuddle on the couch with you.

Here is a good resource on love languages: https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X

u/BlueRusalka · 19 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

Based on your edit, I think you are doing 100% the right thing. It really sucks that this guy can affect your life so much with something as small as a letter, but it happened and now all you can do is deal with the situation in front of you. And you're doing great.

I want to highly recommend that you buy and read [The Gift of Fear] (http://www.amazon.com/Other-Survival-Signals-Protect-Violence/dp/0440508835/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;amp;ie=UTF8&amp;amp;qid=1395939077&amp;amp;sr=1-1&amp;amp;keywords=the+gift+of+fear) by Gavin de Becker. It's a very interesting and well-written book, and also incredibly useful if you happen to have a stalker. I work at a domestic violence shelter, and I recommend that book to many of my clients. And all my friends. And basically everybody.

This is a scary situation, but you're doing awesome. Even if the police don't seem to think it's "threatening," it IS. What he did is absolutely a threat. He said, "I know where you live, I know what you look like naked, and I think I have ownership of that." Even if he's wrong (about it being you in the pictures) that's still a warning, so take it for what it is! Trust yourself, and listen to your instincts. Instincts can be incredibly useful, and yours are telling you to run far away. So run away. There's nothing dishonorable about running to protect yourself. Run away this one time, and hopefully you won't ever have to deal with him again.

Good luck! Message me if you want to talk about anything. I have some experience dealing with stalkers and scary people, so I'm definitely happy to talk with you if you need it.

u/WedgeTalon · 19 pointsr/AdviceAnimals

I've been married over 10 years and can confirm /u/Im_Bee knows what they're talking about.

I recommend checking out the book the 5 love languages.

You may not feel like showing love, but she doesn't either. One of you has to start. It's not about who's fault it is, it's about the path you choose to take going forward.

Love isn't that butterfly feeling you got when you were a teenager. Love is a choice, and love is work. Love is sacrificing yourself everyday for their benefit.

u/PokeManiacRisa · 18 pointsr/Christianity

My husband and I have been together about 9 years, married for 3 years. I find myself more and more attracted to him as time goes on. I love walking through life and all of it's changes with him. I love seeing him grow in his faith, his work, his other relationships with family and friends. And now, with our first baby (a boy!) on the way, I am only growing more in love with him by the day! I can't wait to give birth to our new little addition to the family and see him become the great dad I know he will be.

I guess spark-wise, we make time to "date" and spend quality time together. Intimacy is a priority in our marriage. That doesn't always mean it leads to sex, but sex is often a fundamental part of marriage. We try our best to communicate well. We talk often. When we eat dinner together, phones and any other technology is put away so we can focus on each other.

We know each other's love languages. If you haven't read the book, I recommend it!

https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;amp;qid=1481727850&amp;amp;sr=8-1&amp;amp;keywords=The+Five+Love+Languages

u/theDaninDanger · 18 pointsr/programming

As someone with an MBA, I can tell you all the things that book mentions are first year, undergraduate business school material. Unfortunately, for those who have no desire to pursue analytical and empirical research techniques, the majority of an MBA is about office politics.

Your education primarily consists of learning how to best impress the professors without appearing as a sycophant to your colleagues. Albeit, that is exactly what one needs to get ahead in business.

I usually hate people recommending books, but if you want to know what an MBA is about, I wouldn't read "10 day MBA." I would read 48 Laws of Power. While your soul will die a little from reading it, this book will give you all the ammunition you need to move up in business.

Those of you considering an MBA, feel free to ask me any questions. I'd be happy to help if I am able!

u/Familiarjoe · 18 pointsr/gainit

Hey OP, ive been where you are before...I was 125 lbs at 6'1 and fucking hated everything about myself...and the worst part was I let other people's wondering eyes or opinions take over my mind. The good news is you can overcome it.

I had a therapist I saw only 4 times, but in those visits we got to the root of the problem. She recommended a great book that, although I didn't completely agree with it absolutely helped re shape my mind and have the confidence to do whatever I want. Now I'm 6'1 at 170 and working on going for 190 (3 years of work...slow and steady)

The book is called "the four agreements"
Here is a link to the book on amazon

here is a free PDF of the book I found for you too

Feel free to message me if you want op. Good luck to you

u/not-moses · 18 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

Here are some excellent books on narcissistic parenting and its upshots (all available on amazon.com, etc):

Nina Brown's Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents

Eleanor Payson's The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family

Lindsay Gibson's Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents

Elan Golomb's Trapped in the Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in the Struggle for Self

Susan Forward's Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life (a bit long in tooth now, but still useful) and Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You

Kimberlee Roth &amp; Frieda Friedman's Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds &amp; Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem

(I've read -- actually deeply studied, using each as a workbook -- all of them, and feel comfortable recommending them.

Further, the dynamics of growing up in such families are strikingly similar to what happens in cults. If one is conditioned, socialized, habituated and normalized to a particular form of abuse (before one can recognize the abuse as such) in childhood, it is often the case that one will grow up to seek intimates who are likely to repeat the same form of traumatization to which they were normalized as children. In my case, I took my unconscious -- and unprocessed -- abuse into a series of cult and other co-dependent workplace and relationship situations. If one understands what happens in cults, one often gets a very clear picture of what happened in their own families of origin with narcissistic parents.

u/odette_decrecy · 18 pointsr/RedditLaqueristas

Your nails are gorgeous! And congratulations on getting away from an abusive and controlling relationship!

I want to recommend several books to help you, even now, 8 months later. The more time you can take for yourself to heal and to learn--probably at least a year--it will reduce the chances of getting into another relationship that includes abuse and control.

* Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

* Bancroft's Helping Your Children Heal from Witnessing Abuse.

* Gavin de Becker's The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals that Protect Us from Violence.

I was in a decade-long abusive relationship, which I successfully exited in 2012, and have never looked back. Life just keeps getting better, and I am so happy to finally have a serene and peaceful life. These were invaluable resources for me. Thank you for sharing your story of strength!

u/basedpede1337 · 18 pointsr/The_Donald

He wouldn't have gotten where he is without that mindset. There is a really good book on the psychology of what he said in the tweet. Mindset It basically talks about the two types of mindsets that successful people have vs failures. It all comes down to basically this:
&gt;"What separates the winners from the losers is how a person reacts to each new twist of fate." - Donald J Trump, 2014

Successful people will take failure as a learning opportunity and then keep going. Failures give up.

u/dipique · 17 pointsr/ChoosingBeggars

Sort of! It works sometimes.

The idea of these "scripts" isn't that they have such a high success rate, it's that when you run a "script" over and over on different women, the rejection doesn't feel as personal as when you painstakingly came up with something unique for each woman.

When people reject this profile, it's not personal. He didn't write it. When he tries a script in each conversation and gets unmatched, it's not personal. It's not his script. They're not rejecting him, he just needs to find better material. In a rejection-rich environment like Tinder (and dating in general), this can be really liberating.

For profiles in particular, you can think of them kind of like the spam e-mail from the African prince. It's misspelled and obviously fake, and that's on purpose. The only people who respond are gullible, confused, etc.--the perfect target.

This profile is targeted at people who want some nice abs to play with and are kind of into assholes, and there really are plenty of women who fit in that category, at least sometimes. Again: the perfect target.

Edit: If you haven't read The Game by Neil Strauss, I highly recommend it. It's very entertaining and, I think, really captures the spirit of the movement.

u/cheezytoast · 17 pointsr/relationship_advice

Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

It may seem counter-intuitive but you can't love someone (very well) until you love yourself. All of your self-hate is toxic for your relationship, especially if you particularly hate who you are when you are around him. He probably feels like a jerk for yelling at you when things go wrong, so he also hates who he becomes when you two are together.

You might try some sort of self-soothing techniques and practice delayed gratification. When something goes wrong you might try counting to ten, while thinking about your favorite [whatever] before you talk. Try to not say those words that hurt your relationship. Realize, although the words immediately make you feel better, they only hurt you and him in the long run. Forgive yourself for things you've done and things you dislike about your old self. Picture you being the self you admire. Work on the way you react to negative things. No matter who you are with, they are their own person with their own likes and dislikes and feelings.

Take time to write down things he has done that made you feel loved. Occasionally thank him for one or two of those things. I believe it's true that most of the time, a relationship is beyond the point of no return when both people can't remember the good times they've shared, and strictly remember all the bad times (fights). Focusing on the fights and the differences between you is like focusing on a zit on your forehead. Sure, it's driving you crazy and it's hard to think about anything else but, the more you pick at it and squeeze it, the more swollen and red it becomes. In your (and his) quest to return to positive thinking remember there will be slips. The quicker you (both) forgive, count to ten, and then react positively the stronger your relationship will become.

u/SeaTurtlesCanFly · 17 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

&gt;Has anyone heard of being addicted to someone, even with major abuse happening?

The idea you're looking for here is co-dependency.

Co-dependent No More
is a book that is commonly recommended to people with this problem.

Coming from a very dysfunctional family, I have seen a lot of this. It is very sad. As yet, I have never been able to convince a co-dependent person to get away from their abuser, though I sure have tried over the years with multiple people. I hope you have more luck than I have had.

This book might help you understand the problem. If you can get your ex to read it as well - even better.

u/Guerilla_Cro-mag · 17 pointsr/MGTOW

Thats exactly where this quote is from. What makes it even more powerful is that this thought is in response to being sent to a concentration camp to die.

If Frankl could maintain this mentality while being worked to near death and having to constantly outsmart gestapo, no one here has any valid excuse as to why they can't cultivate that same mindset.

Seriously, everyone get this book. Its like 200 pages (if that) of some of the most compelling writing you'll ever read.

u/luthage · 17 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes
  1. Stop calling your mother dramatic. Whether you mean to or not, it is dismissing her at least within your own head. Which isn't going to help any. Feelings are legitimate. You don't get to decide how another person should think or feel.

  2. It was super shitty of her to tell you that. Especially given the kind of relationship you have with your father. It's putting you in the middle where you have no business being. The parent/child relationship is a deeply important one. She should have gone to anyone other than you. Therapist, friend, family. Had he been abusive to you talking to you about it would be important, but in a way that helps you.

  3. Abuse is a tricky thing. No one wants to believe someone they love is abusive. You can witness it and still not see it. It's actually quite common for a parent to abuse the other and not the children. It's also quite common for an abuser to appear nice, calm and put together to everyone else. It's part of the abuse cycle. A really good book to read is Why Does He Do That.

  4. You are never going to know what really happened and have to come to terms with that. I highly suggest therapy to work through everything.

  5. Your relationship with your father is between the 2 of you. Same with you and your mother as well as your mother and your father. How you navigate that is really up to you. A therapist will also help with this. Maybe that means you tell your mom that while you do support her, she needs to stop talking to you about this. Maybe that means you stay away from them both until you have sorted it out. It's going to be whatever you need it to be.
u/glaarghenstein · 17 pointsr/TrollXChromosomes

YES! Just remember the good times were tricks to keep you around for the bad times! Definitely recommend reading Why Does He Do That? It's very illuminating and really helpful!

u/NickJVaccaro · 17 pointsr/productivity

"Getting Things Done" by David Allen.

I've read a good number of self-help books at this point, and I think Getting Things Done has had the largest impact on my productivity. What's so great about it is that it helps you get a system in place for remaining productive, and explains why work nowadays is different from work in the past. It also emphasizes getting work done in a stress-free way, so you can not only be a productive machine but also be relaxed while doing so. Highly recommend to anyone.

u/PookiePi · 16 pointsr/JUSTNOMIL

&gt; I'll write more about DH's childhood soon but in his case, placating his mother is how he survived.

That sounds awfully familiar to me, it's how I survived my childhood as well.

One of my favorite psychology/self-help books (https://smile.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842/) postulates that rather than just a "Fight or Flight" response in people, that's there's actually a "Fight, Flight, Fawn, or Freeze" response to things perceived as threats. Fight and flight are obvious, fight back or try to escape. Freeze is just sort of giving up and shutting down. And Fawn is trying to be super accommodating to try to defuse the threat "Here's my wallet, take my money, just please don't hurt me."

And that's how us "Fawns" get through childhood with a narcissitic parent. Not fighting back or trying to get away, just trying to give them what they want in the hopes that it'll make things ok (Hint: It won't).

It'll take time to break the cycle for your husband, it's all been ingrained since childhood. But as long as he's showing promise (And it sounds like he is), that's a great sign!

u/leaky_wand · 16 pointsr/PoliticalHumor

That’s sad but I get it. Can I play therapist for a second? ^Disclaimer: ^not ^a ^therapist

Let me put it this way: do you want to paint? Then go paint. Is painting itself not the issue but you still want to have some skill to be proud of? Then go find something you want to do and do it.

I struggled with this for almost my entire life. I didn’t want to try new things. One day it clicked: I was only seeking validation of my intellect. My whole life I was told that I had the brains to do anything I wanted, and I held on to that very tightly. In my mind, my innate potential was held up as my only source of self worth, and trying any new thing that I absolutely knew I couldn’t do beforehand represented an unacceptable risk to my ego. What if I tried—tried as hard as I possibly could—and failed?

Well I was put in a situation at work where I had no choice but to try and fail, and do you know what? Nobody expected me to succeed. Nobody was keeping score on my successes and failures in my life. All they asked of me was to do my best.

And so I did try, and it was hard, and I fucked up a lot. Ultimately I succeeded, but it was not a smooth ride. And along the way, I would check in with myself, and I found that I was still here, still breathing. And I felt myself grow. It was exciting.

After that, I picked up some new hobbies—because they were interesting to me and I had always wanted to try them—and I totally sucked at them. But I kept at them, and had soul crushing failures, but also intense euphoric rushes of success, and ultimately gained the confidence to do what I really wanted to do with my life. I had a choice now. My motivations were truly my own.

Check out “Mindset” by Carol Dweck (Mindset: The New Psychology of Success https://www.amazon.com/dp/0345472322/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_bSNVAbNDXTJPM). She explicitly describes the exact thing that it took me years of soul searching to find out. I was in the “fixed” mindset, in her words, and I somehow managed to get into a “growth” mindset. I allowed myself to try and fail and try and fail and ultimately succeed. And even if I didn’t succeed—I was the only one paying attention, so who cares?

Lots of words, and maybe I am making too many assumptions, but I am very passionate about this topic because I wish someone sat me down and told it to me decades ago. I hope this helps you and anyone else reading this.

u/IncredibleBulk2 · 16 pointsr/JUSTNOMIL

Do you know about "The Four Agreements"? It's a book, you can check it out here: https://www.amazon.com/Four-Agreements-Practical-Personal-Freedom/dp/1878424319/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;amp;ie=UTF8&amp;amp;qid=1484156129&amp;amp;sr=1-1&amp;amp;keywords=four+truths

Anyway, the first agreement is that no one ever does anything because of you. People only ever do anything for themselves. Even if it is a "selfless" gesture, it is still made only because the giver wants to or it has some other benefit for them. Acknowledge this truth with TT and FIL. Maybe buy the book for DH.

u/greggybearscuppycake · 16 pointsr/AlAnon

Reminds me of a book I’m reading called Codependent No More

Glad you’re focusing on self-care and what’s right for you!

u/beck99an · 16 pointsr/getdisciplined

Your situation sounds incredibly similar to mine - except I'm a few years down the road from you.

I've now graduated from both college and from law school, and have been working as a lawyer for about 6 years. I still procrastinate far too often. (Right now is a good example).

Anyhow, about your question here's what I've done. Hopefully some of it is helpful to you.

Read up on procrastination - it's kind of fascinating. You know what you should be doing, but there's a disconnect between intention and action. Work isn't rewarding (short term). Not working is rewarding (short term). It'll be exactly the opposite down the road, but intellectual self can't convince emotional self to suffer the difficulty of work to experience the reward of having done something well and on time. And the reward of maybe playing some guilt-free video games or whatever else.

Cognitive behavioural therapy is also a very good idea, but I had difficulty finding a counselor and, once I found a good one, part of the difficulty in treating chronic procrastination is the fact that you're gonna want to procrastinate on the work you have to do to deal with the procrastination.

What's been very, very helpful to me is mindfulness meditation. 99% of the time I was just reacting without really being aware of the underlying difficulties that I was facing. Mindfulness can help start to untangle reactions and emotions and can help you start to see more clearly where the breakdown between intention and action is happening. You can find some good intro to mindfulness meditation lectures at audiodharma.

For CBT, in addition to finding a good counselor, the Feeling Good Handbook was recommended to me and is quite good. It has a terrible, cheesy title, and that's just life. The content is excellent.

Anyways, long story short, like someone else here said, willpower is a muscle, and you're going to have to exercise yours. Some of the tools I've listed above will make it easier to figure out what is at the root of your personal struggle and that, in turn, will make it easier to see when you're making that choice to procrastinate. But the simple answer is that there's nothing but hard work that will ultimately solve this for you, and I'm right there working hard with you.

u/ShufflingToGlory · 16 pointsr/britishproblems

Not the same as face to face therapy but "Feeling Good" by David Burns is generally regarded as the CBT Bible https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/0452281326/ref=pd_aw_fbt_14_img_2?ie=UTF8&amp;amp;psc=1&amp;amp;refRID=0PF37X037RKQCZ26N22H
Helped me a massive amount.

u/roadkill_laundrette · 16 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

Hi Stalker NMom,

I guess you're not very smart, so this is probably a waste of my time. But I'm going to tell you a few things for your own good anyway.

I'm a 40 year old woman who has not been in contact of any kind with my biological parents for about 2.5 years. It was very low contact for about 4 years before the complete cutoff.

I suppose you think you're entitled to be a stalker asshole. My mother sure did. You probably don't even think that what you're doing qualifies as stalking, but this book explains in a really common-sense way why you actually are a stalker: http://www.amazon.com/Other-Survival-Signals-Protect-Violence/dp/0440508835

I think if you asked my mother about my relationship with her, she'd start whining and go on about some memory about me being 6 years old. Really, I think the only reason she had me was for the "baby" part of having a kid. Right about the time I hit puberty she started treating me like complete shit and regularly talking about how the only thing she was looking forward to now was having grandbabies. That's all I was good for.

But you know what? Now that I'm 40 I really can't remember shit about my pre-puberty years. Just little bits of memory here and there. But I remember my teenage years with crystal clarity, as if it happened yesterday. You have a teenage daughter, and the way that you treat her today is your legacy. That is what she will remember when she's my age.

Do you want to be a part of a potential grandchild's life?
Do you want help when you're old and sick?

No one OWES any of that to you. If you keep acting the way you are acting now, it's YOUR future that you're throwing in the toilet. That 18 year old couple are already here (in an online support group for children of abusive parents). That's way better than I had at their age. It took me years to get to the point that I knew it wasn't my fault. They'll leave and you'll never see them again. Maybe that's what you want, maybe not. But you should think about it before throwing tantrums and getting your daughter in trouble in school. You should really think about it.

u/eablokker · 16 pointsr/psychology

The fact that you can change your behaviors, attitudes, moods, and beliefs means that you are not those things. You are not your behaviors, skills, beliefs, or attitudes. Then who, after all, are you? You are the creator of your thoughts, behaviors, and beliefs. You are the creative force behind the ability to change those things about you. Congrats for realizing that the old depressed you was never really who you really were anyways, and neither is the new you. Sometimes you will feel depressed and sometimes you will feel happy - these states don't define you as a person, but by experiencing both of them at times you get to be a whole human being.

I think you may want to check out CBT as others have suggested. Try this book for starters: The Feeling Good Handbook.

You can also check out NLP as someone else suggested. The main difference is that the aforementioned CBT has many studies proving it's effectiveness, whereas NLP does not. That doesn't mean NLP isn't effective, just that it hasn't been studied as much. You're likely to learn very similar concepts and techniques either way, so either one is good depending on personal taste.

u/HonorOCarrollKelly · 15 pointsr/breakingmom

It's hard when you are doing your best as a mom and are continually inundated with the message that a 2 parent family is the best thing for kids. There are a lot of us kids out there who will tell you that it would have been much better if our parents divorced. I'm in my 30's, I grew up with a verbally abusive dad, I still get feedback at work about my lack of confidence and am afraid of angering people. It also had a very negative impact on my view of relationships. Abusive relationships are confusing and heartbreaking. Particularly when you love them. Before you make your mind up about anything, you might want to check out Why Does He Do That? it will help make sense of a lot of your dynamic and relationship/argument dynamics. It's not your fault.

u/Akatchuk · 15 pointsr/getdisciplined

I have a couple of books to suggest reading that have helped me a lot with that issue. The first one is Mindset, by Carol Dweck and it approaches the concept of growth mindset VS fixed mindset. To its core, the idea is that a growth mindset is more inclined to try new things out, sees practice as a necessary exercise to get better at something, and sees mistakes/failures as lessons to take in stride.

This book helped me a lot because I find that we live in a time where as members of the Western Society (sorry if I assumed wrongly), we expect to a) be successful at everything we try and b) get everything instantly. The problems with these assumptions is that we usually suck at anything we start, and because we realise we're crap and can't get the results instantly, we think we've failed and we become unhappy.

If you ever watch East Asian dramas or read mangas or watch animes (slightly gross generalisation, sorry if I offend), there is usually an element of growth. The main character will fail at something, but eventually keep practicing until they get there. They don't focus on the end result, but on the process of learning, of making mistakes and learning lessons from them. We've forgotten how to do that, and instead of being encouraged to persevere past our mistakes, we're just told to find something else we're good at, which is counter-productive given that we're usually not good at anything we've never done before.

The second book will sound a little soppy, but I definitely think it's worth a read. It's Self-Compassion, by Kristin Neff and the premise is simply to be more accepting of yourself and your mistakes (not in a lovey-dovey way, just "ok cool, I fucked up, time to move on"). She posits that self-esteem isn't as useful as self-compassion because self-esteem usually means you have to make yourself feel better by comparing yourself with someone/something else ("Oh look, I must be so good at this because everyone else is rubbish), which means you are still somehow reliant on external factors. This is not an ideal situation because you're still subject to fear of failure or rejection by others.

Self-compassion, on the other hand, helps you see that everyone makes mistake, and it not only helps you learn to be kinder towards yourself (this is especially important if you find yourself criticising yourself and blaming yourself for not doing something because you've been procrastinating), it also helps you be more accepting of others, because you realise we're all the same. This is especially helpful to learn to deal with other people's judgement, because you can see that what they say and how they act towards you is a reflection on themselves, not you (if I'm an arse to someone on the tube, I was probably impatient or annoyed with something, for example).

It does sound a little wishy-washy, but I think it's self-compassion that truly helps someone understand that everyone makes mistakes, and that when you make one, not only should you remember that someone has almost definitely made a worse one, but also that you can move on from it, so it's ok to fuck up. With a growth mindset, you'll learn to be ok with making mistakes, and maybe even seek to make them when you realise you learn by failing and not by succeeding (well, most of the time). You may also become more comfortable with uncertainty and seek regular practice in a subject rather than trying it once and deciding it's not for you because you're not good at it.

Another thing is to learn to be humble. We're always told we can do anything if we set our mind to it, and that we're all special snowflakes, but we're not. If you want to become a special snowflake, you've got a long way to go. So start from the bottom and work your way up. Always listen to advice, even if you've heard it before, or you think it's rubbish, because someone tried to help and it could help you learn. By being humble you don't fall off your pedestal of self-made-up glory because you don't think you're the shit, you're just yourself and if you want to achieve something, you know it'll take efforts, failures and time (always, if it doesn't, there's a catch). There's nothing wrong with not being a special snowflake or not being the shit. You'll still have your friends and family, at the end of the day!

Also, people are not against you, they're for themselves. They won't give a toss about your failures or your accomplishments past telling you sorry/congratulations, because we're all self-centered. So don't look at how much greener the grass is on the other side of the fence, focus on making your own grass greener.

u/sunrise_orange · 15 pointsr/getdisciplined

I would recommend that you read the book Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It (link to Amazon).



I read this book two years ago with not much belief in the knowledge shared here. I didn't fully believe or apply the principles, so it wasn't really helpful.



A few months ago, I came across this book again. Difference? I was desperate for change. I felt like my life was unravelling at the seams. I kind of had a similar background as you but with my father. He would literally laugh at my dreams and tell me I would "be overshined by my siblings," and told me I was "always lacking in everything." He is the reason I often fall into patterns of completely disregarding any achievement of mine. A few months ago, this was my typical day: I relived my worst memories once every few hours in attempt to "understand myself" (now I see it was a form of self-sabotage) and I kept telling myself I was strong for getting through these situations, but it didn't change the fact that I felt like a failure every day. I can't say I know exactly what you feel like now, but I can relate.


Okay, so back to the book. I read this with desperation. By then I was already aware of the importance of your mindset and what you tell yourself, but I didn't really know how to translate this knowledge into practice. And then came this book. Simply put, the idea is to tell yourself this one thing over and over again. "I love myself." It doesn't matter if you believe it or not right now. Just do it. Because you will get to a point where you actually value yourself through this seemingly stupid exercise. I have to say I feel better than ever about who I am. I'm just more secure about the person I am. My flaws, my interests, and all. I was socially awkward because I wanted people to like me so badly. Now, I'm not charming anyone by any extent of the word, but I don't feel that pressure to impress someone or make sure they like me anymore. (It's not completely gone, but eight to nine times out of ten, I don't think "what if they don't like me" anymore.) This is one the most effective CBT techniques I have experienced.



Also, a key idea here was to stop any negative thought process from unfolding by saying the words "not important" in your mind. This has been surprisingly helpful, and I don't go the on crazy negative tangents in my mind much anymore.

&amp;#x200B;

I also recommend you read the book Mindset. It became much easier to make progress and accept that I was making progress in different areas of my life with a growth mindset.

&amp;#x200B;

Best of luck! I hope you do well. I know you can get over this. I'm saying this as someone who has gone through clinical depression, anxiety, and self-sabotage over the past four years. I'm now thankfully completely recovered from depression and anxiety, and am working to get into university with a scholarship while freelancing. I get depressed and anxious, but it's not the magnitude of mental illness anymore.

&amp;#x200B;

Remember progress isn't instant. I don't know how negative your thought processes are, but the "instant change" I outline above is just to show you an example of where you might be. You might be mentally somewhere closer to me three years ago when it took a good year and a half to rid myself of my worst thought processes.

&amp;#x200B;

Good luck!

u/dreamgal042 · 15 pointsr/relationship_advice

Maybe you should check out the five love languages.

The crux is that everyone gives love and everyone receives love best in one of five ways: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch

It's possible you receive love with Words of Affirmation, and he gives his love in a different way. Does he buy you things? Spend time with you?

I have this with my dad, because he's a gifts guy generally, and I'm a quality time or words of affirmation person. It took a while to realize he loves me, but he shows it differently than I expect.

u/finally_safe_from_Ns · 15 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

Yes. Everything that you described in your post sounds so similar to my life. The feeling of having escaped a cult is so intense, isn’t it?

Here are a couple of resources that have helped me significantly with my recovery. Sharing them in the hopes that they may help you, too:

https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842

Pete Walker also has a ton of really useful information on his website:
http://pete-walker.com

https://womboflight.com/navigating-no-contact-when-estrangement-from-your-mother-is-the-healthiest-choice
(this is, of course, talking about a mom narcissist instead of a dad narcissist, but the information still seems highly applicable.)

I believe that you are already through the worst part. Healing from narcissistic abuse is a long, gradual process… just keep honoring your true self, taking good care of yourself, and life will get better and better. Good luck!

u/burritosan · 15 pointsr/AdviceAnimals

There's this popular book called The 5 Love Languages that seems relevant to the issue you're talking about. I haven't actually read the book myself, but from what my therapist was saying the idea is that people sort of have preferred channels for demonstrating and receiving "love." On an intuitive level it sort of makes sense, and it explains a lot of the issues I've had in the past with a couple of my exes.

The fives languages are as follows:

  • Words of Affirmation
  • Acts of Service
  • Affection
  • Quality Time
  • Gifts

    For me it's mostly about quality time, then a tie between words of affirmation and affection, then acts of service, and then gifts (which hardly registers at all). You can take the official test to see how your languages are distributed. I don't usually buy into things like this, but it definitely helped explain a lot to me (although I should probably read the actual book).
u/Pocketfullofbugs · 15 pointsr/mildlyinfuriating

Oh man, that’s really hard. I wish I knew more, I wish I could be more helpful.

There’s a book a got in lieu of therapy called The Feeling Good Handbook that I bought because of its section on communication, but the rest of it was great too. Maybe give it a shot.

Good luck out there, I truly do hope you find happiness.

u/z0mbiegrl · 14 pointsr/relationships

Firstly, you should read The 5 Love Languages if you haven't already.


Secondly, you can not expect to have a healthy relationship if your attitude is "She kept things from me, so it's OK if I keep things from her!" That's childish, immature, and no way to treat your partner.


Thirdly, you should be direct and upfront with this girl if you want to continue the relationship. Don't hide things from her, especially things you think would upset her.


Lastly, the first few months of any relationship are great. That's what is known as the 'Honeymoon Phase'. Generally, it fades and either evolves into comfortable love, fizzles out entirely, or falls somewhere in between. Things between you will not be the same as they were then, if for no other reason than the fact that you now have a history together. Don't strive for that, instead work towards a happy, healthy, mutually respectful relationship with your partner.

u/pm_me_your_kindwords · 14 pointsr/TrueReddit

Man's Search For Meaning is the most tragically uplifting book you'll ever read about the holocaust. I strongly recommend it. (Edit: It's a very quick read.) As a matter of fact, it's probably time for me to read it again.

u/cakemountains · 14 pointsr/askwomenadvice

If he's not abusive, he's awfully close. People who have abusive tendencies like to jump into relationships full speed to sort of 'trap' their partner. He is jealous, he tracks your location, confronts you when you don't respond fast enough (uh, you're in class!) or when he can't see where you are in real time, he's clingy, he's demanding of your time, he doesn't trust you even though you show him your communications with friends...

Okay, he's abusive.

The excitement of a new relationship, especially when they're super into you, is a rush. It happens. Sometimes it fizzles out under the best of circumstances; this is not the best of circumstances by a long shot.

Someone does not need an actual reason to break up with someone. Sure, it's great to be able to give one and it's great to be able to get one. But you have a lot of reasons to move on and move on fast before he escalates. BTW, there's a good chance he will be very angry if (hopefully when) you break up with him. Make sure friends are close by (don't let him know this) or do it in a very public area. Carry pepper spray if you must. If he has a key to your place, change the locks. Change your passcode on your phone or any password he knows. Delete/block him on all social media. If you do all this before you break up, he'll get suspicious. Write down a list of what you need to do so you don't forget. Then break up and take care of these things ASAP.

&amp;#x200B;

https://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/abuse-defined/

https://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Survival-Signals-Violence/dp/0440226198

https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656

u/fishbulb- · 14 pointsr/LetsNotMeet

You would probably enjoy The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker.

It contains a bunch of creepy, /r/LetsNotMeet-style stories about stalkers and murderers and such, written by a security expert who explains why your gut is such a good warning system and how you can use it better to keep yourself safe.

A fun and disturbing read.

u/ceebee6 · 14 pointsr/AskWomen

Before I tell my stories, I want to recommend that every woman read The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals that Protect Us From Violence by Gavin de Becker. It's important to trust your intuition even if you feel worried about looking foolish. Your brain recognizes when things are off before your conscious mind is even aware of anything happening.

I've had multiple scary encounters over the years. But there are two that stand out to me the most.

I was about 17 or 18 and driving home from my after school job. I pulled on to my street that was next to a busy road, and noticed that a couple other cars had turned as well. I parked on the street in front of my family home, and the two cars also parked on the street. This wasn't unusual in my area (a lot of people park on the street) so I didn't think much of it. Some men got out of one of the cars, and they noticed me parked a bit behind them. When they saw me, they moved towards me and I got a bad gut feeling, so I quickly locked my driver's side door (manual locks). One of the men tried to open my driver's door. I had enough room to drive off, so I did that and went to my friend's house who lived a few blocks over.

In another situation, I was walking outside on a nice summer night after dark. It must have been about 9:30 or 10 pm. As I was walking, I noticed a car behind me. The man in the car slowed down and started following me. My gut said get the hell out of there, so I ran to my neighbor's house and rang the doorbell until they answered.

Those were just two of my experiences.

u/brokendate · 14 pointsr/wholesomememes

I used to think in the same way that you're suggesting. That's why I was agnostic for awhile. However, I started thinking that if you're going to see God as just energy or some mystic force, then thats what it is: energy. Based on history, historical texts, and different fields of science, I don't think humans have ever encountered God, probably just got really high and experimented with drugs when it comes down to it. As long as you look to a higher power to send love to all corners of your life and the universe, then go right ahead. I recently just read The Four Agreements, by Dan Miguel Ruiz, and he describes "The Creator" basically as the source of all love, and that love emanates through all things living or not. Everyone interested should read! I'm pretty sure I found out about it through this sub too! Very wholesome and dank.

u/__Pers · 14 pointsr/IWantToLearn

You really need to go out and read Dr. Carol Dweck's book Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. She's a preeminent researcher into the sorts of mental traps one falls into that hamper one's ability to succeed and be happy and how to avoid them. Your post evinces all the classical pitfalls she describes.

In short, one's natural gifts mean nothing, ultimately, as you have no control over them whatsoever. You should take no pride nor feel any shame for the hand you're dealt. What matters--and this is all that matters--is what effort you put forward in playing that hand. Do not be afraid to fail and do not measure yourself by others' successes. Rather, measure yourself only by what you can achieve.

u/MartinMystikJonas · 14 pointsr/getdisciplined

Exactly. I like how this is described by Carol Dweck in the book Mindset.

Loosing self worth after failure is sign of wrong fixed mindset while people with good growth mindset see then as learning oportunity.

u/CassandraCubed · 14 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

Here are some links on forgiveness which you may find helpful:

/u/invah's comment and compilation of links on forgiveness

Emily Yoffee's excellent article

Sister Renee's take on forgiveness over at Luke 17.3 ministries

Susan Forward also has some very useful writings on forgiveness in her book Toxic Parents

My personal experience has been that trying to prematurely forgive my nmother was a huge hindrance to my healing from the hurts she heaped on me, not a help. All it did was put me back in harm's way.

In the end, what worked for me was to accept that my nmother was never going to change, she was never going to apologize, and she was never going to stop, regardless of her occasional, random variations. She was never going to own her part in the process.

From your description above, it sounds like your mother is demanding absolution for her actions against you. She's not offering repentance for her behavior, and amends for the damage she has done as the first steps in the process of forgiveness. She won't take any responsibility for her behavior, and she wants you to do all the work...

Sticking around and tolerating bad behavior when the aggressor hasn't taken responsibility for their actions or changed their ways has a higher price than you might think at first.

In the end, what worked for me was going NC. My take on NC is don't do it one second earlier than you have to -- but don't stick around one second longer than you have to, once it's clear that it's the best option. I wasted literally decades of my life, trying to either fix the relationship with my nmother, or like you've described, trying to tolerate her behavior.

Big hugs (if you want them), because dealing with this cr&amp;p is HARD.



u/betona · 14 pointsr/Marriage

Grandpa here, and I've been down this path. Like the time I bought her that white sweater.... it got returned. I also think back to my dad telling me how individualized cars are, and how it was a big epiphany to him when he realized that it was important for mom to have the car she wanted and not so much what he thought she needed. He and I were both engineers so our brain always wants to go to "let me calculate the solution you need" and people don't work that way.

Let me try to pass along some older guy wisdom, so walk with me here:

Your 'best efforts' as you phrase it were to give her gifts that were what you wanted her to have; not so much what she wanted to have. As an artist, your creations are always about you and your concept of whatever it is. Even if it's meant for someone else, dragon colors and everything. It's still very much your expression. To you, this is a very meaningful thing from you and I think that you want them to be a surprise.

But human psychology doesn't work that way. We all have very individualized ways of how we want to feel loved. That's the main point from the very popular book, The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Gary Chapman. An issue is that lots of people lavish onto their spouse the treatment that they want, not realizing that it's not at all what the spouse wants and their attempts to make them feel love don't work at all. Unfortunately, it's super common.

Now this is where it seems like takes some real jedi mind reading skills and it ain't always easy. You're trying to completely remove the thinking of what you want and slide into their mind and think of what they want. With practice you can get really good at it over a lifetime. To be honest, it's a lot better to forget with the surprises and flat out ask what they want, gather the details and literally write it down. No joke.

u/DocDucati · 14 pointsr/financialindependence

Sounds like you need a philosophy of life...especially since you already have a doctor of philosophy degree :)..


A Guide to the Good Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy https://www.amazon.com/dp/0195374614/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_LmVADb2ZYTREF

u/boy_named_su · 14 pointsr/asktrp

You sound a lot like me a couple years ago

Okay, let's get your mental health in order

What is your money situation? Got health insurance?

  1. Sleep. You gotta get your 8-10 hours. Every night. Quality sleep too. Get a fitbit if you can afford it, the one that tracks sleep quality. Otherwise there are free/cheap apps. Watch you caffeine intake. Eat dinner as early as you can. Take melatonin. Optimize your bedroom for sleep quality if you can (40% humidity, 60-67 F temp, air purifier, blackout curtain). Easy on the booze

  2. Go to the doctor and get blood work: vitamins, minerals, hormones (estradiol too, sounds like your T is fine), inflammatory markers, intestinal parasites. Depression and inflammation are correlated. Depression and testosterone / Vitamin D deficiencies are correlated. FIx deficiencies with food / sunshine if you can, otherwise supplements. Eat real food, the kind that goes bad. Mostly fish/seafood/shellfish and vegetables. Fish has Omega 3, Iodine, and Lithium, all of which are good for your mood

  3. Attitude change. Go get the audio book of Feeling Good by David Burns. it's the intro to Cognitive Behavioual Therapy. Works better than drugs for most people. You can get it free on kobo.com if you sign up (credit card required but not charge until a month). Then get https://www.amazon.ca/Guide-Good-Life-Ancient-Stoic/dp/0195374614 . Can find audio book on piratebay. It's an intro to Stoicism, a masculine philosophy of life which helps you think through negative emotions

  4. Walk in the daylight / sunshine after lunch every day. It's good for your mood

  5. After all that, after you're feeling better, and want some inspiration for school / exercise, read The War of Art (Pressfield), and Can't Hurt Me (Goggins)

    You can PM me if you need help

    Also, avoid female counselors, they are useless. Find a male CBT therapist if you need one
u/casualcolloquialism · 14 pointsr/TheGirlSurvivalGuide

Your dad acted like a jerk and it sounds like he acts like a jerk a lot. I grew up pretty damn conservative and I gotta tell you, I don't think this is because he's conservative. I think he's a jerk.

Not sure if this will apply to you at all or not, but part of disengaging from my conservative family involved learning more about codependency. I discovered that I had spent my whole life trying to make sure that others around me were happy at the expense of my own mental health and well-being. I really recommend Codependent No More by Melody Beattie to learn more about this. It was literally a life-changing book for me, and it might help you build some coping skills to deal with your dad.

u/carpetplaydohx2 · 14 pointsr/GenderCritical

May I suggest something? Splurge on something nice and pampering for the person who's been mothering the neglected, abused child inside you: you.

Get your mom a card or some flowers if you want, also, but do something nice for yourself. Mothering ourselves after a lifetime of hurt is one of the toughest, but also most rewarding, jobs.

Also a book suggestion, if you're interested: Toxic Parents, by Dr. Susan Forward.

u/professorgerm · 13 pointsr/TheMotte

&gt;Shepple

Did anyone else enjoy the amusing coincidence that her name is one letter from the Internet-word for "unwitting follower"?

&gt;developed a script for masculinity that I was comfortable performing

Would you mind elaborating on this a bit? Or pointing towards a source that might help me make sense of the "everything is performative" mindset in less than 10,000 pages of overblown prose? Perhaps there's some factor to it that is fundamentally impossible to communicate, but I've long found that phrasing strange and uncomfortable, likely because I associate it with performing-as-acting, and thus as-lying.

&gt;I wonder if there's some kind of body or gender dysmorphia that leaves certain people uncomfortable with whatever body they find themselves in

Almost definitely. I think a dose of Haidt's Happiness Hypothesis or maybe even Irvine's Guide to Stoicism would do people with this "generalized discomfort" much more good than the solutions they're finding (and regretting) now. Or since you mentioned the title phrase, John Kabat-Zinn's famed guide to mindfulness meditation. I say that as someone who found these books quite helpful over the years, dealing with my own concerns, and retrospectively quite glad of the culture in which I was raised rather than one more "do as thou wilt."

Edit: Thank you for sharing your story.

u/serotonin_pls · 13 pointsr/depressionregimens

The fact that it's mentally taxing and time-consuming means that it's likely working exactly as intended!

CBT saved and changed my life when I was at my darkest about six years ago. I've gone through some CBT here and there since then, but a lot of the lessons I learned the first time around have stuck with me and have helped over the years. To my understanding, CBT at its core is ultimately about learning to identify, catch, and fix your distorted thinking as it's occurring. This can be quite uncomfortable and exhausting at times, but it's 100% worth it in the end.

Also, if you aren't clicking with your therapist, find a new one! If you don't click with them, try another. That's not to say that you haven't found a great one already - just don't get discouraged if you don't feel like you mesh well. That's just part of the process, and therapists truly want clients they think are the best for each other.

Finally, I would really encourage you to stick with it for at least 8 sessions. It's tough but it's worth it if you really need it! (Although, I firmly believe that anybody could benefit from CBT - even perfectly healthy people who don't have any mood disorders.)

If you're looking to learn more about CBT and maybe try out some therapy in conjunction with what you're doing with your counselor, I would highly recommend The Feeling Good Handbook. This book is all about working through CBT on your own and provides a ton of extremely helpful exercises and overall informs you very well on the whole process. Keep in mind it's best used in conjunction with an actual therapist, especially if you're going through an episode of particularly bad depression or anxiety.

Welp, this ended up being a lot longer than I expected - I guess that's because CBT is very important to me, scientifically proven to work very very well, and I'm super excited for you to begin your journey with it. Keep at it, friend! In any case, good luck with your endeavors, and feel free to ask if you have any other questions. :)

u/ringingbells · 13 pointsr/AdviceAnimals

To further support Jonny1992, but in no way condoning this kind of evil behavior, a ton of big shots (50 Cent Co-wrote a book with the author) supposedly read and adhere to this book, 48 Rules of Power. Chapter 5: "Get others to do the Work for you, but Always Take the Credit."

BTW, I hate that people think they can just take credit and it's ok. It's not. You're evil. You're not just following a book of rules. You're an evil person.

u/rushnp774 · 13 pointsr/howtonotgiveafuck

Someone suggested I read the book The Four Agreements (not affiliate link) and it completely changed the way I look at things. It's a very "simple" set of agreements you make with yourself that will improve your life.

In short:

  • Be impeccable with your word - Say only what you mean.

  • Don't take anything personally - Nothing anyone does or says is because of you.

  • Don't make assumptions - They're pretty much only there to hurt you.

  • Always do your best - If you do, you can't judge yourself and will be liberated from all the shame and negative emotions that come from it.

    Check out summaries on Google Images
u/itchytweed · 13 pointsr/iamverysmart

As it should be. Actors of violence shouldn't be given popularity, as it only succeeds in encouraging more like them (One thing I learned from The Gift of Fear)

u/liltingsea · 13 pointsr/IncelTears

I’m so, so glad for you. I know what it’s like to shrink the world down to a tiny, bleak, manageable place and it is so awful to be there and not know how to get out. Or even if there is an out.

Honestly, the main reason I browse this sub is because I see a lot of people in a lot of pain, without the internal or external resources to get help. Sure, there are the psycho shitheads, but most are just in a pit and only have anger and self-loathing for company.

It sounds like you have a lot of negative thoughts around women that you can’t shake yet. One really great resource for that is CBT, which you can do on your own. There’s a book called The Feeling Good Handbook which helped me out a ton. You have my full permission to roll your eyes at the incredibly dorky cover image and his goofy stories, but the exercises and the vocabulary were incredibly helpful. The only thing I don’t love about it is he’s somewhat discouraging about meds.

The other one I’ve had recommended to me by several professionals which I haven’t read yet but mean to is The Upward Spiral

The other other online resource I can recommend is this dating advice site geared towards guys. There’s a lot of good advice on building confidence and how to make conversation, and the author thinks women are people.

Also, just watch some women-made stuff: movies, TV, blogs, etc. It’s easy to think of us as an exotic species but we’re just people. Stuff like that can help humanize and make it easier to empathize with us.

Speaking of meds, I didn’t get a good sense of whether you struggle with anxiety or depression. If you do, you can go to a regular ol doctor and talk with them about it. They can prescribe basic stuff that will work for most folks. Meds won’t change you or fix your problems or forcibly make you happy. They will make that spike of fear less and lift a lot of the crushing weight of anxiety/depression.

If your doctor doesn’t take you seriously, find a better fucking doctor.

Therapy is great but it can take a while to find somebody that clicks that you can also afford. I highly recommend it if you can, and also be persistent and don’t settle. There’s a lot of terrible therapists out there and a lot of amazing ones.

u/notmyrealemail · 13 pointsr/datingoverthirty

I'm still not sure if your problem was with her actual phrasing or the phrase she probably meant to type. Try reading up, maybe. The Ethical Slut. Opening Up. It's ok if it's not for you, no need to complain about it though.

There are dozens of reasons I lose interest or let the conversation fade. Sometimes it's something innocuous that leaves a bad taste. Sometimes I realize I'm not invested at all and don't care how the person is doing/feeling/answers random questions. Often though, I just get busy and have no time to bother anymore.

One thing that has turned me off to OLD lately isn't even OLD. It's this sub and the constant barrage of people saying they've had enough of OLD. It'll never end. Forever alone. Ugh. Any kind of dating is what you make of it. Of course it gets to be much at times and people need breaks. Before OLD breaks were just being single and making yourself happy. Or being single and downing a bottle of wine during TGIF and sobbing a bit at Urkel. Now it's some big ordeal that we all have to whine about on the internet. I think I've just been spending too much time in this sub. It been a little bit daily for a while. I much more liked my once a week or less fill. /rant

Go commiserate with friends for a bit. Take the break. There's a whole ocean of people out there. But don't pick any of them, they're probably all dead.

u/HalfwayHoagie · 13 pointsr/comicbooks

Interesting, I specifically asked you to be specific. I am maybe a tenth through this article, which is incredibly long and full of problems in journalistic writing, and it hasn't said anything that Ethan has done specifically. I do not hold anyone responsible for what other people do, and so far that is the only accusation this article has leveled against Ethan. He 'associates' with accounts that say bad things... which, from glancing below this person isn't against showing embedded tweets, but chooses not to embed the tweets of Ethan associating with people saying bad things. But even if it were showing him associating with those people, he isn't saying anything bad. He isn't responsible for other people. And I don't like people who witch hunt others based on who they talk to on twitter... as though people go through the entire history of the people they interact with and vet them like a politician would - it's ridiculous.



Now I am a little further in and I have some more thoughts, like this person, for the length of this article, didn't do a lot of research. An example is when this person states that "Van Sciver illustrated the cover of Peterson’s latest book, 12 Rules for Life,..." Say what you will about the books contents or the books author, Ethan didn't illustrate the cover. He created illustrations for the chapters - THERE ISN'T EVEN AN ILLUSTRATION ON THE COVER.


Later on the author brings up when Ethan offered Darryl Ayo a platform to talk to John Malin, because they were having a disagreement. He invited Darryl Ayo on, even though Darryl had called Ethan a Nazi, multiple times - to which Ethan takes offence. It seems to me that Ethan is honorable here, taking the opportunity to talk rather than to continue flaming on twitter, but the authors slant appears to be toward Darryl. Darrly claimed that "People should call for Ethan to lose his job because of the creepy stunt that he tried to pull." This was Darryl's response to an offer to TALK. Go check out the other interviews Ethan did on his channel, they are the most tame content he does, and way less cringey than his Star Wars videos.

This article continues to appear hold Ethan responsible for what other people do and say on Twitter, which he is not responsible for. He never calls for anyone to harass Darryl, or anyone else - which if he had I doubt expect this article would have quoted.


I stopped about 2/3 through this article. Do you seriously think this is evidence of Ethans misbehavior or racism or bigotry or whatever you think he is? I said be specific, you sent an article must be well over 3000 words long, of which I read of a portion that was about 2500 words. I also read the embedded tweets and the screenshots, and not one thing in there is something Ethan did wrong.

So you can either get specific, or you can send another long rambling article with no evidence. It's up to you, but I won't read another one. It shouldn't be that hard to find something evil he said. I can find plenty of evil things that people on the left have said. And I think seriously calling someone who isn't a Nazi, A Nazi, is pretty evil - and there is an abundant supply of that on twitter from the people who think themselves Ethans enemy.

u/Anonnymoose73 · 13 pointsr/JUSTNOMIL

I would recommend the book Toxic Parents to help you recognize and understand the patterns of abuse that you've been conditioned to accept as normal. It's not that you're an "underdeveloped child;" it's that you've been trained to normalize the bad behavior.

Also, I'm sure you'll get a choir of people singing it, but therapy. Therapy therapy therapy. Individual, couples, or group, whatever seems best for you, but get some.

u/pijjin · 13 pointsr/learnmachinelearning

Lose the swift programming course, it’s not really relevant to you, and you already have a lot to cover in a tight space of time.

Good luck with your studies. As others have already said in this thread getting a researcher position will be super hard. There aren’t all that many positions available, and there’s so much hype around ML that they’re all super over-subscribed. You might be right that you don’t need a PhD, but a PhD and research experience are useful and you will be up against those that have them. You should consider getting some industry experience as a data scientist or data engineer (which might be a bit easier to get hired as) to complement your self study if you’ve decided academia is not for you.

You’ve got a lot of reading to do already, but I found the book So Good They Can’t Ignore You a helpful read when faced with a tough career choice. It’s not super long, and has some interesting ideas (mostly based on anecdotal evidence but useful nonetheless).

u/Fedoranimus · 13 pointsr/AskMen

You're conflating "success" with "career". This is not what OP is talking about. They're merely suggesting that you have to try things; hobbies, jobs, etc, before you know what your passion is. Very often the thing you find that you're "good at" becomes your passion, rather than the other way around.

So Good They Can't Ignore You digs into this concept in greater detail.

u/Psyladine · 13 pointsr/AskHistorians

Frankl wrote extensively on his experiences as a holocaust survivor in Man's Search for Meaning

u/futtbucked69 · 13 pointsr/Fitness

http://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-Plain-English-Anniversary-Edition/dp/0861719069

Highly, Highly, HIGHLY recommend this book. Seriously. You want to know how to meditate correctly? Read this book. I would not take peoples random advice online, as most of it is BS. (And there are different styles of meditation, but IMO - and many others-, Vipissana is the most beneficial.)

u/JohnnyShit-Shoes · 12 pointsr/Buddhism

The first two books I read were The Heart of the Buddha's Teaching and Mindfulness in Plain English. They'll get you started with the basics.

u/IxD · 12 pointsr/getdisciplined

“Fear is good. Like self-doubt, fear is an indicator. Fear tells us what we have to do.

Remember our rule of thumb: The more scared we are of a work or calling, the more sure we can be that we have to do it.

Resistance is experienced as fear; the degree of fear equates to the strength of Resistance. Therefore the more fear we feel about a specific enterprise, the more certain we can be that that enterprise is important to us and to the growth of our soul. That's why we feel so much Resistance. If it meant nothing to us, there'd be no Resistance.”

From War of Art by Steven Pressfield

u/Packersobsessed · 12 pointsr/AskReddit

Just because they gave you attention and support, it might not have been the attention and support your mind craved.

example: your parents hug you and show up at your games and tell you you're amazing.. but your mind needs motivation.

Sometimes parents are too easy to please, so their kids don't feel the need to please them, and thus crave things/people to please, and usually they aren't positive.

Edit: I'm referring to different "love languages" here. I re read my comment and it doesn't make total sense, but this is a great read for more than just SO relationships.

u/Waylander84 · 12 pointsr/AskMenOver30

I was you, about two years ago. I had fully committed to being a great dad and a great husband, but had stopped developing as an individual. Figuring that out is an excellent first step to, as you said, getting your life back in balance.

Here are two books that helped me:

Man's Search for Meaning, by Viktor Frankl: It's a short book by a Holocaust survivor that deals with controlling your attitude at all times, and having perspective on where you are compared to where you want to be.

A Guide to the Good Life, by William Irvine: A good modern take on Stoicism, or the philosophy of taking life in stride. Contrary to common belief, it's not about eschewing all emotions and being joyless; it's about embracing joy in all things, acknowledging and preparing for grief but not letting them overwhelm you, and being mentally present in day-to-day life. Plan for the future, but don't forget to take joy in the small moments of the present.

Edited in links.

u/Juno_-_-___ · 12 pointsr/changemyview

&gt;putting your needs above others

Have you ever heard of the term "paradoxical intent"? It was coined by a guy named Viktor Frankl. He was a holocaust survivor and psychologist who wrote a book on how to find meaning/happiness in a world that's total shit.

The term refers to the fact that in many areas of life, the harder you focus on something, the less likely you are to achieve that end. Finishing or not prematurely finishing sex, for instance. He argues that this generally applies to the pursuit of happiness. In his own words: "it is the very pursuit of happiness that thwarts happiness." Happiness results in finding meaning/purpose in life-- not in pursuing happiness. Look no further than most celebrities. His book's a quick read if you're interested. I'm sure you'd find it in your local library, too.

So let's consider TRP in this context. These folk have taken a route almost-universally acknowledged to lead to short-term happiness but misery in the end, and they're so damn happy about their choice that they spend their time convincing strangers on the internet that they're totally happy. Longitudinal studies are clear: long-term, meaningful relationships are key to happiness in life. You're listening to a bunch of 20-somethings offer (likely fabricated) anecdotes over the advice of actual research.

Listen to evidence, not reddit

u/reccedog · 12 pointsr/energy_work

Look into inner child healing as well as C-PTSD. I think learning about C-PTSD will help you understand what is going on internally that is causing your anxiety and fear. A really good book about this is C-PTSD from Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker.

Also, here is an inner child healing technique. While the exercise says to think of yourself like you are 4 or 5, you can apply it to your 12 year old self. You are essentially going back in your imagination to the Trauma and supporting yourself through it with Unconditional Love. This changes the emotions you experience when the traumatic event is triggered from fear based to supported and loved. It really is life changing.

🙏💜🙏



+-+-+-+-+-+-+

Inner Child Healing:

Start by imagining yourself as you were when you were 4 or 5 years old. Use a photo initially if it is necessary. Then as your adult self imagine checking in with that inner child that you have identified. Go to them. I think you will see that your suffering is at root their suffering. Give them unconditional love. Hug them, talk to them. Sit with them. Soothe them. Tell them that now that you've found them you will strive hard to always be there for them. That you're inseparable. Develop a deep relationship with yourself in your heart center.

Do this frequently. When you wake up, when you go to sleep, several times during the day. Go to your inner child when you're feeling down, anxious, stressed, depressed. Heal their wounds. You can't fix what happened but you can reassure with love that they were in an impossible situation and give them the love to help them rise above it. You're getting a chance to re-parent your inner child.

After you begin to build a foundation of Self love you can then expand the practice to have your inner child bring yoy photos (which are more like snapshots of memories) of the events that were terrifying for them. And you can use inner child healing to tell them how unfair that situation was, that they are not wrong to feel this way, but now that you have found them that they are safe and loved.

After a month or so this exercise morphed on its own to just directly loving myself (adult self loving adult self). I started to be my own best cheerleader and friend. My inner critical voice too has changed to one of unconditional love.

I really hope this helps 🤗💜🌈

u/deusnefum · 12 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

He's only two, so not a ton of deep revelations but: He seems viscerally terrified of unexpected loud sounds. They shake him to the core. I remember experiencing loud sounds as a kid and feeling my stomach drop out and I guess a near panic attack.

He's standoffish and cuddly at the same time. Like me. I'm very physical and intimate with my boys and wife but in general I'm not what you'd call a "friendly" person.

&gt; am I doing this because this just is who I turned out to be, or is this mostly due to abuse?

Basically, I've found cPTSD to cover all my maladaptions. This book is very helpful in identifying those maladaptions: https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=cptsd&amp;amp;qid=1573065436&amp;amp;sr=8-1

u/Tytillean · 12 pointsr/CPTSD

I just recently picked up this book and it's been really helpful.

These descriptions may be a bit long, but may help.

Edit: From the book -

Definition Of Complex PTSD

Cptsd is a more severe form of Post-traumatic stress disorder. It is delineated from this better known trauma syndrome by five of its most common and troublesome features: emotional flashbacks, toxic shame, self-abandonment, a vicious inner critic and social anxiety.

Emotional flashbacks are perhaps the most noticeable and characteristic feature of Cptsd. Survivors of traumatizing abandonment are extremely susceptibility to painful emotional flashbacks, which unlike ptsd do not typically have a visual component.

Emotional flashbacks are sudden and often prolonged regressions to the overwhelming feeling-states of being an abused/abandoned child. These feeling states can include overwhelming fear, shame, alienation, rage, grief and depression. They also include unnecessary triggering of our fight/flight instincts.

It is important to state here that emotional flashbacks, like most things in life, are not all-or-none. Flashbacks can range in intensity from subtle to horrific. They can also vary in duration ranging from moments to weeks on end where they devolve into what many therapists call a regression.

Finally, a more clinical and extensive definition of Cptsd can be found on p. 121 of Judith Herman’s seminal book, Trauma and Recovery.

An Example Of An Emotional Flashback

As I write this I recall the first emotional flashback I was ever able to identify, although I did not identify it until about ten years after it occurred. At the time of the event, I was living with my first serious partner. The honeymoon phase of our relationship came to a screeching halt when she unexpectedly started yelling at me for something I no longer recall.

What I do most vividly recall was how the yelling felt. It felt like a fierce hot wind. I felt like I was being blown away – like my insides were being blown out, as a flame on a candle is blown out.

Later, when I first heard about auras, I flashed back to this and felt like my aura had been completely stripped from me.

At the time itself, I also felt completely disoriented, unable to speak, respond or even think. I felt terrified, shaky and very little. Somehow, I finally managed to totter to the door and get out of the house where I eventually slowly pulled myself together.

As I said earlier, it took me ten years to figure out that this confusing and disturbing phenomenon was an intense emotional flashback. Some years later, I came to understand the nature of this type of regression. I realized it was a flashback to the hundreds of times my mother, in full homicidal visage, blasted me with her rage into terror, shame, dissociation and helplessness.

Emotional flashbacks are also accompanied by intense arousals of the fight/flight instinct, along with hyperarousal of the sympathetic nervous system, the half of the nervous system that controls arousal and activation. When fear is the dominant emotion in a flashback the person feels extremely anxious, panicky or even suicidal. When despair predominates, a sense of profound numbness, paralysis and desperation to hide may occur.

A sense of feeling small, young, fragile, powerless and helpless is also commonly experienced in an emotional flashback, and all symptoms are typically overlaid with humiliating and crushing toxic shame.


u/dweissglass · 12 pointsr/Entrepreneur

I favor the craftsman mindset over the 4-hour workweek approach, so I (perhaps unsurprisingly) did not find much value in Ferris's work. I've read 4-hour-workweek, some of his blog posts, seem some TED talks, and flipped through 'Tribe of Mentors, all of which I found mediocre. The biggest advocate of the craftsman mindset that I know of is Cal Newport. I've read his blog (studyhacks) and his book (So good they can't ignore you). I think his work tends to be better researched and more substantive. I recommend both.

I suspect that the differences between the two has a lot to do with where they come from. In my view, Ferris is still the salesman he was when he started out. Many of his strategies are great for salepeople - 'firing' bad customers, offloading customer support tasks, etc. However, its worth thinking about what he is selling here - and I think the core idea in Ferris's work is that you can make an easy buck. I don't know that this idea is worth buying, nor that he offers anything more valuable than a few productivity tips. Newport is an academic, and so his work is oriented more as an attempt to answer a question: what choices result in happy and successful careers. He started out looking for general trends in career satisfaction and success, and his books are reports of what he's found. Of course, he is still selling something - but I think he is selling something more valuable: empirically driven insight into meaningful work (the key insight, by the way, is that you need to adopt the crafstman mindset).

u/wonder_er · 12 pointsr/digitalnomad

IMO, you are asking the wrong question. Saying
&gt;what skills can I learn to support {lifestyle}

is putting your goals ahead of your employer's/client's goals.

Flip it on it's head:

&gt;What are some skills I can learn that will make me invaluable in my job?

Whatever your next job is, ruthlessly innovate, experiment, and bring value to those you work with. Spend a year there building career capital and then cash that in for a job that includes the opportunities you want - like remote work.

Cal Newport wrote "So Good They Can't Ignore You" and I highly recommend you give it a read.

FWIW, I work remotely for my company, am well paid, and travel full-time, but in my conversations with them, my travel has never come up. All our interactions are about me bringing value to their business.

I recommend focusing on the same.

Good luck!

u/live_wire_ · 12 pointsr/lgbt

You do stand a chance of pulling it off but first some reading:

  1. The Ethical Slut

  2. Opening Up

  3. r/polyamory

    Not necessarily in that order.
u/ilikemarmite · 12 pointsr/actuallesbians

Have you thought about a poly relationship? There are plenty of people who don't have sexual relationships with their primary partner, but do maintain a serious connection and life together. This can be because of mismatched kinks, sexuality, sex drive, physical disability, whatever. If you have a great life together otherwise, why get rid of it? I'm bi, I'm married with kids, I have a girlfriend who I love dearly (who happens to also be married) and my life is full of joy. I never really explored my sexuality until we decided to open up our relationship and honestly, it's been easier to explore because I have my marriage to hide behind if I need to. My husband is so supportive and accepting, it's really nice.

If a non-monogamous relationship seems like something that might work for you, I would suggest reading the book Opening Up. The only people who can define your marriage are you and your husband.

You have one shot at life, do it right and be happy, lady. :)

u/andthecrash · 12 pointsr/TwoXSex

Definitely say something! I think the two of you need to have a discussion about this when you are NOT in the bedroom or watching porn-ish movie scenes. You need to find a way to separate the fantasy and dirty talk from the actual discussion about this.

Don't be afraid to put your cards in the table. Tell her your concerns.

I identified as straight for many years. I'm in a hetero marriage. But now I consider myself bisexual and I've had relationships with women. It is clear to me that if I'd met Ms. Right instead of Mr. Right, I would have identified as lesbian. But I often think trying to define sexually is just.... Semantics. Your wife is interested in some sort of experimentation with you, and you two need to decide if it is staying as fantasy (dirty talk in her ear) or if it'll possibly happen someday.

I highly recommend the book Opening Up to help you both have a better discussion about these sorts of things.



u/FlashbackJon · 12 pointsr/ADHD

This book was transformative for me, both in terms of mindset AND behavior, before I was diagnosed (I was having trouble at work, in almost exactly the same way you describe) and after knowing more about what I was dealing with.

I still grab it from the library every once in a while to brush up, or when I feel my mind straying from practice.

u/LinguoIsDead · 12 pointsr/IWantToLearn

Going to make a suggestion to read Getting Things Done.

u/a_filthy_casul · 12 pointsr/anime

It's a common misconception that the Stoics and stoic characters are devoid of emotions while in fact it's their ability to control how they express them.

I know it's outside of the scope of the discussion but if anyone's interested to learn more about Stoicism you can look for "Meditations" by Marcus Aurelius (yes, the Roman Emperor) or a more friendlier to beginners "The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy". In fact, I would encourage you to read either of the mentioned even if you're not personally interested to apply Stoicism in your life just so you can understand Stoics better.

Quoting a reply below me:

&gt;We have little to no indication that Inaho is being stoic though. The only times we're supposed to be led to believe he actually feels anything is when he cracks a feint smile or when his sister says that he has different moods (as a totally unbiased judge of character I'm sure /s).
There's just as much reason to believe he's clinically psychopathic as anything else.

There is one major difference between competent stoicism and psychopathy: the choice to care.

In practice, a psychopath’s empathy switch is constantly set to “off” and cannot be turned on via conscious or subconscious choice, it’s a neurological defect (or improvement, depending on your world view.) A stoic’s empathy switch is set to “off” consciously but can be turned “on” or vice versa, the empathy switch is “on” by default and can be consciously switched “off.” The characterization of this is of course dependent on the stoic in question and their level of competency in the endeavor.

u/bss60 · 12 pointsr/LetsNotMeet

There were so many red flags in this situation that she missed. This was a wake up call and a valuable lesson for her; thank goodness she is okay.

I have a book to recommend that she read. I asked my kids (adults now) to read it when they were younger, and frankly, I can recommend it highly to anyone and everyone. It's called "The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals that Protect Us From Violence" by Gavin De Becker. The book teaches you how to identify even subtle signs of danger, and how to trust your gut instincts.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0440508835

u/Gabriel_Aurelius · 12 pointsr/Christianmarriage

&gt; he doesn't ever offer to cook

&gt; He doesn't buy me flowers, light candles or organise dates for us

You sound like an acts of service kind of woman. Go read Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages, figure out what your husband is, then start loving on him in his languages. He should naturally reciprocate. Try it for like one month and see if it works.

FYI: People typically have a primary and a secondary language. Use both of his (and get to know yours).

u/matlockmatt · 11 pointsr/brasil

1- Arrume um emprego - vai conhecer pessoas, ganhar seu salario, e conhecer mais de si mesmo sobre que tipo de trabalho você quer fazer pro resto da sua vida ou não. Se não gostou do que trabalhou, mude. Ou, se não gosta mas paga bem e é algo suportável, fique. Essa história de trabalho dos sonhos é utopia. Você não precisa necessariamente amar seu trabalho, você pode gostar bastante do salário deste trabalho e as coisas que este salário te proporciona fazer, como viagens etc... Basta não ser um trabalho que te deixe louco por você odiá-lo.

2- Vá pra uma academia e cuide de sua aparência - vai melhorar sua auto estima

3- Faça algum esporte que goste ou tem interesse em fazer - outra boa forma de conhecer pessoas e criar amizades

Enfim, foque no seu desenvolvimento pessoal e social, não tem como você conhecer pessoas, ter amigos, conhecer potenciais namoradas sem sair de casa.

Also, leia este livro:
https://www.amazon.com.br/12-Rules-Life-Antidote-Chaos/dp/0345816021
Veja os vídeos dele, é um psicólogo professor da universidade de toronto e um cara muito foda que ja me esclareceu muita coisa.
Acredito que falta pouco tempo pra chegar o traduzido.

u/TexasRadical83 · 11 pointsr/relationships

My girlfriend is a survivor of abuse. She recommends the book Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. I think you might get lot out of it.

u/FeatherDie · 11 pointsr/AskWomen

Most people recommend The Five Love Languages when it comes to showing affection to your partner. Not everyone views gifts as appropriate gestures, and some people don't hear the words 'I love you' and automatically feel loved. Recognizing what your partner needs to feel appreciated, loved, etc. early on will help that person to see you as an affectionate person. It also helps when the other person knows what they need, but not everybody gets their point across.

Something that always works is listening and having compassion. You can't give your partner what they need if your mind isn't open to learning what that is.


u/MoundBuildingNephite · 11 pointsr/exmormon

The existentialism is real in the wake of losing your worldview. All the pep-talks in the world about "go live your life, the world is amazing!" meant nothing to me. I didn't know how to move forward. For some of us, the loss is huge and the existential dread (with its accompanying anxiety and depression) is absolutely consuming.

Ultimately, the study of philosophy and the nature of existence was the way out and the door to a meaningful post-Mormon life for me. I read and studied a bunch of stuff, but the below list was some of the most helpful. I ultimately chose to go with a personalized form of stoicism to fill the void left by Mormonism. Others prefer secular Buddhism, etc. If you still like Jesus as a moral guide (like I do in a lot of ways), this is a great short podcast about Jesus as a moral philosopher.

Anyway, I found the below very helpful in my transition:

  • Philosphize This! podcast. Start with episode 1 and just listen all the way through. It's great and he even mentions Mormonism a few times.

  • The Power of Now by Tolle.

  • The Happiness Trap by Harris.

  • Man's Search for Meaning by Frankl.

  • Man's Search for Ultimate Meaning (A follow-on of above--focus on the later chapters in this book.)

  • The Alchemist by Coelho.

  • A New Earth by Tolle.

  • A Confession by Tolstoy. Free download.

  • What I Believe, also by Tolstoy and a follow-on to the above Tolstoy book. Free download at link if you look for it. Auido book here.

    If you're interested in stoic philosophy as a replacement for Mormonism:

  • Start with this easy article for a nice overview. The rest of this blog can be helpful, too. For example, here's a great recent article.

  • This book. It can be a bit long in places, but it's an easy read and gives an awesome overview.

  • Meditations by Marcus Aurelius. The Audible version of this is really good, too, if you have a daily commute, etc.

    &amp;nbsp;

    Finally, it gets better! Take it a day (or a month) at a time and keep searching and you'll eventually land in a good spot! Good luck, and stick with it!
u/fidelityastro · 11 pointsr/Meditation

Mindfulness in Plain English is a fantastic book that answers pretty much every "how to" question about meditation. Can't recommend it enough!

http://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-Plain-English-Anniversary-Edition/dp/0861719069

u/nearlyneutraltheory · 11 pointsr/cogsci

I've found Mindfulness in Plain English helpful for me in dealing with my ADHD-PI.

There is a free ebook of an earlier edition in PDF, ePUB, and html formats.

u/ShinjoB · 11 pointsr/BlackPeopleTwitter

I think this is actually a very big deal and something I try to pay attention to as a parent. When you praise your kid for "being smart", that becomes their identity, and once they hit something they don't understand they feel their identity threatened. If you instead praise your kid for their hard work, then learning hard stuff just becomes a matter of more hard work.

This is obviously a gross oversimplification, but check out a woman named Carol Dweck for more on this.

u/spacemunkee · 11 pointsr/gamedev

So, there are a few books that I think all indie game developers should read that really have nothing to do with game development. However, they will help you understand habit and discipline. Really, everyone should read these books.

[Grit] (https://www.amazon.com/Grit-Passion-Perseverance-Angela-Duckworth/dp/1501111108/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;amp;qid=1487005711&amp;amp;sr=8-1&amp;amp;keywords=Grit), by Dr. Angela Duckworth, Phd.

Mindset, by Dr. Carol Dweck, Phd.

The Power of Habit, by Charles Duhigg

The ideas in these books and research behind them are very powerful.

u/androidLavish · 11 pointsr/Blackfellas

As someone in tech, these interviews don't really test smarts, programming skills, or IQ. Just that you can grind leetcode.

Tech interviews are all really just a game with a huge amount of luck involved. Sometimes you get all problems you've heard before with lenient interviews, sometimes you get a bunch of leetcode hards with interviewers who expect you to write a proof before solving it. I definitely wouldn't consider someone smarter or dumber then me based on how they did in an interview.

It's tough after a rejection but it's good that you're going to keep applying. Time is on your side and Google will probably be knocking on your door again in 6 to 9 months anyway.

As far as impostor syndrome I'd recommend reading this book https://www.amazon.com/Mindset-Psychology-Carol-S-Dweck/dp/0345472322

It barely mentions impostor syndrome specifically but the skills taught in it are almost directly related.

u/nanaimo · 11 pointsr/QueerEye

That's amazing!

Therapy is always a good idea but it's not possible for everyone. I can vouch that these books/workbooks contain accurate, helpful info. &amp; tips. DM me for help finding digital copies.

Toxic Parents

  • Low self-esteem nearly always begins in childhood. This is an extremely helpful book.

    Self Esteem (3rd Edition)

  • Thorough and practical!

    The CBT Workbook for Depression (2nd Ed)

  • The specific activities in chapters 16-18 are esp. great. Really helpful things you can actually do, rather than vague advice.

    The Mindful Way Workbook for Depression

  • There are MANY books about mindfulness. Not all are good. This is easy to read, and jumps right into teaching skills.


    Other good books:

    The Dance of Anger

  • If you struggle with self-esteem, often you silence your anger rather than expressing it. This book is "for women" but in reality the info. can help anyone, esp. the concept of family "triangles".

    Kid Confidence

  • For parents. 2019 book gives the very latest info. on raising resilient kids.
u/my_throwaway_ac · 11 pointsr/offmychest

You're doing the right thing. Congratulations on taking this step to improve your life.

A book I found helpful dealing with my own family situation (some similarities) was Toxic Parents. It's a hard thing when you don't have parents you can talk with for encouragement, support, and so on, but it's extremely important to learn it's not your fault when this happens. Took me a while to learn that one.

u/slupo · 11 pointsr/Screenwriting

This is normal. I always wonder about people who "love" to write. So don't beat yourself up over it.

I'd try reading these two books:

https://www.amazon.com/Writing-Inside-Out-Transforming-Psychological/dp/0471382663

https://www.amazon.com/War-Art-Through-Creative-Battles/dp/1936891026/

Good luck!

u/StraightCougar · 11 pointsr/seduction

When you learn martial arts, the instructor doesn't just tell you to go in and fight! He teaches you technique. Game is exactly the same, yes practice is great, but if you don't even know the basics, get your head in the books, get a coach, or however you wanna learn. Credit to Arash for the analogy.

Recommended reading

Women Ignition by 60YearsOfChallenge (intermediate-master) &lt;--- This dude was my mentor and I am a beast for that, much love to ya 60!

Anything by RSD/Real Social Dynamics ( Beginner-Master)

Mystery Method (Beginner)

The Game (SUPER beginner)

The Ultimate Guide to Text and Phone Game By Nick Savoy/Braddock (Looks cheesy but it really is a great book)

Recommended websites

mASF (general advice beginner-master)

Casanovacrew (L.A/Vegas lairs/meetings)

RSD (Great coaches/solid game beginner-master)

Recommended Puas to follow
Manwhore (sexual escalation/love this bro/he's not a douche, comes off that way.... nice guy)

Psych/Dj Fuji (VERY structured game)

Mystery/Neil Strauss/Matador (Mystery Method, the torch carriers of game)

Tyler Durden/Jeffy/Brad P (RSD, some of the biggest names, very good)

Bravo (online game/really great guy/highly recommend him)

Arash ( This dudes inner game is on point. I have one of his speeches saved, I'll upload if you want it Seddit) &lt;--- Really nice dude, nothing like I thought he was gonna be

Hypnotica (Inner game master, talked to this dude once, I felt and still feel amazing)

Get to reading!
Edit:Updated shit.

u/ImaNarwhal · 11 pointsr/The_Donald

His book The 50th Law with Robert Greene, author of The 48 Laws of Power is packed full of knowledge.

u/mcfandrew · 11 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

Read Getting Things Done by David Allen. The things I like about the GTD system:

  1. As soon as you begin adopting the system, you see results in your clarity

  2. It doesn't demand a particular medium (i.e., the system doesn't require a particular proprietary software or booklet or anything)
u/Caroline_Bintley · 11 pointsr/datingoverthirty

&gt;In that year alone, I must have rejected/turned down at least two dozen different women. I'd usually feign interest in them, then ignore/dump them quickly thereafter. To this day, I have no idea why this is. I don't know why I felt so angry towards women.

I wonder if it's because you view the world through a framework of hierarchies and inadequacy.

You've put yourself under tremendous pressure to excel, to be worthy, only to repeatedly fail to reach your own standards. So along come these attractive women who want to be with you, which must feel very validating. Also, they're more or less strangers, so there's no consequence if you dick them around. Basically, rejecting these women gives you the opportunity to be the one doling out disapproval rather than the one experiencing it. Instead of feeling contempt for yourself, you can project it onto others and then watch from a position of emotional safety.

&gt;Oh, another thing that I enjoy doing is hating myself, or self depreciation. Again, I don't know why I do this. But when I try to answer these questions, I'll tell myself things like: "You'll never get married, nobody could ever love you the way you are. You're a loser, you can't do anything right, you fuck everything up, just fucking kill yourself".

I used to verbally beat up on myself when I was younger. It's fucking miserable but it's also very satisfying. Plus it even feels virtuous in a sick way - look I'm not being a jerk to others, I'm being a martyr by being a jerk to me!

One of the most useful things ever said to me was by my ex boyfriend after witnessing me berating myself again. He looked me dead in the eyes and with a voice that was gentle but also clearly over my shit he said

"You know, when you beat up on yourself you are the most self important person in the world." It stopped me cold because I immediately knew he was right.

To be frank, there's a lot of ego involved in self hatred. Casting someone down in a ditch is just the flip side of putting them up on a pedestal. Seriously, compare the following:

  • "God, I'm so incredibly fucked up. I'm just epically fucked up. No one is more inexcusably fucked up than me. I'm just so purely, irredeemably bad! I should just die because there's nothing I can or should do."
  • "I have some real issues that I have let go on for far too long. I really need to address that shit, and if it's beyond my power to do it alone, I should reach out for help."

    One of those lines of thoughts makes you the Chosen One of assholes and absolves you of the need to make changes because change is impossible. The other one makes you just another person who has to sort out their issues, even if it means some really uncomfortable work.

    I'll echo what others have said about therapy. It sounds like you've spent a long, long time living with your self-imposed judgement, anger and shame. Originally it was meant to spur you on to improve yourself, but it's really just held you back. I think that having a third party to both hold you accountable while also offering you a more even-handed perspective could be immensely helpful to you.

    Since it sounds like you have struggled with a perfectionist mindset, you might also find this article interesting. I read it maybe 10 years ago and it helped to articulate some of the self-defeating attitudes I'd held about academic achievement. Carol Dweck's work is worth checking out if you'd like to develop a more resilient response to setbacks.

    I have also found the written exercises in The Feeling Good Handbook by Burns to be very helpful. They're designed to help you examine your self-talk and develop a more accurate view of yourself and the world.

    But first and foremost making an appointment with a university therapist is a good step. I suspect that once you address your mental health, your dating life will sort itself out. From what you write, you're aware that you need to work on your issues and that you have an amazing opportunity to begin a new chapter in your life.

    Good luck OP. Change can be hard, but sometimes it's actually easier than continuing to tread water. There is no reason you can't create a better life for yourself, and no reason you don't deserve to.
u/Celt1977 · 11 pointsr/Alt_Hapa

See for me and my wife we agreed that divorce was never an option while the kids were home. And because of that we worked through some real hard shit (massive post partum depression) which we might not have otherwise got over.

My advice is this: Love is not just an emotion, it's a verb. You choose to love through actions and choices. I'm 14 years into marriage and we've had "good times and bad" but through it all we get stronger.

If any of you are pups entering into marriage I would recommend you and your partner read this book. It helped my wife and I immensely.

https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X

The tl;dr of it is this: We all show and accept love in different ways. If you show love in a way differently than your partner receives it, you can both be left felling unloved. So make an effort to show your partner love in their way, even if it's not your goto.

example: My wife feels love through verbal encouragement. I was raised to leave things unsaid. But now I tend to be sure to make a choice to verbalize things I would not have done, just because it helps her feel loved.

I feel love through acts of service, that's why I'm always working hard to serve my family. My wife's not naturally wired that way so a few times a week she goes out of her way to do a little thing that helps me feel loved. (She pressed my shirts for work this weekend while I was out with the kids, usually that's my job).

u/Polyexperiment · 11 pointsr/polyamory

I am not equipped to help you out here because a lot of what you're saying doesn't sound like a good enough situation to be voluntarily testing the breaking points for a relationship on top of it all. There's a lot of tension in your lives that you might want to resolve a bit first. If you're open to it - actually, really, open to it, you both need to talk about it and all of the issues you've got already and how to resolve those as well as mediate your insecurities and boundaries.

One thing though:

&gt;I don’t want to demand that he only see someone else x days a week cause that’s kinda shitty

This isn't, by any means, a one size fits all relationship style - it's fairly anarchic. You get to make your own rules. Especially to start, it sounds like you are going to need a lot of extra attention paid to you to reaffirm that your bond is strong and you feel special. He needs to be there to do that and he should want to because he loves you and wants you to be happy too. Ensuring that you have appropriate time for each other is absolutely key.

My wife and I have rules about how many dates per week are appropriate because we want to ensure that neither of us feels neglected by the other. We want to make sure we both feel special and loved and enjoy all that new relationship energy and intimacy with others without guilt or worry.

That's what's great about all this - you can tailor your relationship to fit your desires and needs. But it's work.

Do yourself a favor and check out these resources:

https://www.morethantwo.com/

Opening Up by Tristan Taormino

The Ethical Slut

and this one that I just discovered and is awesomely helpful for dealing with jealousy (which you are like 99% guaranteed to feel):
The Jealousy Workbook by Kathy Labriola

Don't go into this lightly or on a whim, please communicate with each other and ensure that this is what you want. You can go forward, but you cannot go back the way you came and assume you'll end up where you started.

u/1ClassyMotherfucker · 11 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

I'm glad you got to the place where you can acknowledge something is wrong. I came to this sub for years and read tons of posts but I wasn't emotionally ready to come out of denial until very recently. As you found, it's an emotional process. I'm glad you have your boyfriend's support, that will be really helpful.

Pete Walker writes about the process of grieving as an important step in dealing with childhood abuse. When I came out of denial, I cried for like 3 weeks. But I got to the other side and I am slowly getting better. Check out Pete Walker's book, Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving, as it's by far the most helpful written resource I've found on this journey. I hope you will find therapy to be helpful, too.

I'm glad you're here. Keep coming back. :)

u/elephino1 · 11 pointsr/misophonia

I'll share methods that worked for me personally. Feel free to ask me any questions, because I'm going to try to keep this brief (Edit: I failed), but am happy to expand on it if you're interested.

On an abstract level, I learned about C-PTSD and coping with it. This book helped tons. Basically I learned to identify triggers early and remind myself that, although my body was telling me I was in danger with a fight or flight reaction, I was in no actual danger and I was completely in control of my surroundings.

(Full Disclosure - I learned a lot of my triggers came from childhood experiences of a narcissistic parent intentionally triggering me at the dinner table and refusing me the ability to leave. So YMMV with the book.)

I leveraged the concept of neuroplasticity to re-wire my brain to respond to trigger noises as rewards instead of dread.

I'll give you the specific example of someone eating chips. It had gotten so bad for me that the rustling of the bag would trigger me because I knew what was coming. Then, just the sound of the pantry door would trigger me. I'd get stuck in this feedback loop of dreading what was coming, anticipating it, and then becoming hyper aware of it, so by the time it happened the sound was CONSUMING.

So I decided to associate that awful trigger with something positive. Initially I'd hear the chip bag and recognize I was triggered. Then I made the choice to say "Fuck Yeah, I love Chips. Give me some fucking chips!" So I'd have a snack as well.

When that started working, I expanded on it. If I was at work and someone started eating an apple, I'd give myself a break to do something I wanted to do. Go for a little walk. Browse reddit for a couple minutes. Look at some tits on gonewild. Whatever. The point was I started to associate trigger noises with rewards instead of punishment.

Once I learned how to break myself out of those thought loops, they started to get easier and easier to break out of. I got better at recognize being triggered early and turning the event into something positive before it got out of control.

I do admit, at first it was a little fake it till you make it, but eventually it started working. I realized that I was fighting it so hard I wouldn't remove myself form a triggering circumstance until I was too far gone, so I started doing it earlier and earlier and more and more gracefully. I started rewarding myself for awareness instead of punishing myself for being triggered in the first place. I became much more gentle with myself in general.

For example, If i'm in a meeting and someone brings in lunch, I'll excuse myself to the restroom the second I get anxious, go out and remind myself that I'm in control of this, and come back when I feel better. Eventually, just knowing I can leave if I want to became enough to keep me in shape.

For the first time in two decades, I can go to movies again with my wife, I can ride in a car with someone popping on gum, and I can sit at a dinner table without music on. It's been amazing.

Good luck guys, you can do it too!

u/ToroDontTakeNoBull · 11 pointsr/CPTSD

Hey bud, I know you said you're struggling without a support network right now, can you find some low/no cost meetups with people who enjoy doing what you do? There might even be one for emotionally traumatized people (https://www.meetup.com/San-Diego-Emotional-Trauma-and-PTSD/).

Like you said, arguing is a coping skill for you, to cover/deal with whatever particular blend of emotions you might be dealing with in the moment. I also tend to trigger my wife when I'm triggered, and it's been a huge learning curve for both of us to deal with each other and be able to be present enough to not instantly react to each other with our respective dysfunctional coping mechanisms.

I saw you mentioned Body Keeps the Score in the other thread that one's good. There's also CPTSD from Pete Walker. My personal favorite though is Healing Developmental Trauma by Laurence Heller. It seems to be the most systematic, step-by-step explanation I've been able to find of what's necessary for us to heal.

I posted a semi-review/explanation of Laurence Heller's theory of developmental trauma here.

Other poster mentioned
&gt;This place has treasures but you've gotta find them

Totally agree with that. Be patient, read, and engage in discussion like what you're doing, what don't expect any miracles from the sub.

&gt;Unfortunately in the unfair real world no one really cares for damaged obnoxious underdeveloped underprivileged peopleThat is society. I don't know how you haven't learnt this yet, perhaps you are privileged race and gender and otherwise, but this is soemthing that you just need to accept.

A very harsh truth. Perhaps you haven't been able to accept this because you haven't be able to accept and grieve your own losses yet. If you do have DTD, you've had many things taken from you, including childhood innocence. It's a rough place to be, but healing is possible; just very, very slowly. It's a 3 steps forward, 2 steps back situation.

u/The_Oddest_Owl · 11 pointsr/BettermentBookClub

"Codependent No More" is a standard written by Melody Beattie. I have to admit it's been years since I read it, but I remember it having a profound impact on me. It made me see things from a completely different perspective. She has a bunch of other books as well that would probably be worth checking out.

u/Meonspeed · 11 pointsr/relationships

I have a similar history as you and my stomach was in knots reading your first post. In my late teens/early 20's I was in a relationship that turned abusive, and towards the end he used my past as a weapon against me. It was like he constantly had to remind me that I was "damaged goods" to keep my self esteem low enough to stick around. Like your husband, he was a good man who destroyed himself with alcohol and mental illness that he refused to get help for. I felt like a failure when it ended too, although it was probably the best decision I ever made in my life. I think you know deep down what you have to do, and I applaud you for your courage in taking that first baby step.

Please don't let any misplaced feelings of guilt keep you in a toxic relationship. You cannot fix him, and in a way you are only enabling his self-destruction by staying around and making excuses for his behavior. He hasn't been taking any steps to get well from the sounds of it, and he's using being sick as a way to manipulate you (i.e. ending up in the psych ward any time you go see your family) This has clearly devolved into a textbook alcoholic/co-dependent relationship, and if I could give you one piece of advice it would be to find an Al-Anon meeting in your area, and start going right away. I can't even begin to tell you how much it helped me, in every aspect of my life. This book was a life changer for me as well.

Ending an unhealthy marriage is not failing, it is a way of taking ownership of your life back. It's actually quite courageous in a way. The fact that you married someone with these problems isn't a failing either. You have what many abuse survivors have-an innate sense of empathy for other people in pain. There is a reason so many of us grow up to be caretakers, and often end up with damaged people who hurt us. It's that empathy and deep understanding that draws you in. It's not low self esteem, or masochism, like so many people suggest. It's not a character flaw-in fact it can become a positive trait if you harness it the right way. From the sounds of it you already are through your advocacy.

Anyways, I just wanted to let you know that your story resonated with me a lot, and I'm pulling for you. I think you are on your way to making the right choice, and I hope you love yourself enough to go through with it. If you ever need someone to talk to who can relate, feel free to send me a PM.

u/luna_red · 11 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

I think a better question would be to ask "why does he do that".

Unless you've been in an abusive situation you won't really understand what goes on in a abused partners mind. There is so much manipulation and many different things that happen and cause the partner to stay. It has a lot to do with self worth- your self worth is beaten down and almost nonexistent.

I'm currently reading : "why does he do that" and it's written by a therapist who has spent his career speaking with abusive men or partners. It's really eye opening. Check it out.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0425191656?pc_redir=1406369631&amp;amp;robot_redir=1

u/wandmirk · 11 pointsr/polyamory

Jesus.

On top of lying, he's gaslighting you. That's really abusive and not okay. And then on top of that, when you call him out on it, he goes suicidal so that you have to switch into a caregiver position.

This person is manipulative and abusive. He knows exactly what he's doing and you deserve much better than this. Read 'Why Does He Do That?' as it's an excellent book or try out this You Are Not Crazy website.

I don't think you'll ever be able to win with this person because he's abusive. I think you should move forward by dumping him and finding someone who treats you better. &lt;3

u/gabrielsburg · 11 pointsr/martialarts

Yes, in fact, I have one coming up here at the end of March.

My class is a 4 hour crash course, so I teach primarily (edit) maiming techniques (eye gouging, biting, groin strikes, simple punching and kicking), but even more than the physical techniques the time is dominated by psychological tools such as

  • situational awareness
  • understanding manipulative behaviors
  • social behaviors
  • a little bit of legal info
  • some quick statistics

    One of the the books we (myself and the other instructors I work with) highly recommend is the Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker.

    Two things that I stress and I stress hard is that:

  • because statistically most rapes and sexual assaults are perpetrated by someone the victim knows, they MUST make the decision to injure and potentially kill someone they care about. This is not a simple decision to make.
  • and that they should not rely on other people to help them. You just don't know what other people are going to do, so you have to assume that responsibility yourself.

    Hopefully, this helps, it's just a sample of all the information I go through. If you need more info about statistics and such let me know and I can give you more details regarding what I teach.
u/queenpersephone · 11 pointsr/GetMotivated

You'll notice that this is not a usual "to do" list in a few ways:

u/13th_seer · 10 pointsr/Fitness

Strongly reminds me of the pickup artist community.

If you are intrigued by sociopolitical bullshit of powerful egos behind movements and their followers, read The Game by Neill Strauss.

u/Jek_Tano_Porkins · 10 pointsr/AskHR

Good book to read if you want to navigate the corporate ladder is a book called “48 Laws of Power”. Lots of tricks and methods used for effectively building relationships and dealing with adversaries. Other than that, top comment is correct in that you should just do your job the best you can (without burning yourself out).

Link for the book: The 48 Laws of Power https://www.amazon.com/dp/0140280197/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_BBIZCbR1W177P

u/exurbia · 10 pointsr/Exurb1a

I'm actually a big fan of Man's Search for Meaning. Recommended reading for all humans.

u/itstimetopaytheprice · 10 pointsr/books

Please Kill Me: The Uncensored Oral History of Punk by Legs McNeil. I went through a phase of being a "hardcore punk" as an early adolescent - this book made me appreciate the music a lot more but the "culture" a lot less.
Also, much later, I read Victor Frankl's "Man's Search for Meaning". I always hated philosophy and was miserable when I was forced to take it in college, but this is the one book I did not sell after the end of the course, and reread multiple times. It is overwhelming and sad but really gives a touching and life-changing account of the beauty of the human spirit, even in situations of utter horror.

u/banllama · 10 pointsr/asktrp

Being a sociopath is NOT what you are looking for. Sociopathy is a disease, an inability to feel emotion. An inability to truly experience what being a human feels like. This is like saying you want to become an alcoholic so you don't remember your problems instead of dealing with them up front.

What you are looking to do is CONTROL your emotions, UNDERSTAND what you are feeling. You must learn to recognize these emotions within yourself first and foremost in order to master them.

A book I recommend is Mindfulness in Plain English which teaches you about using meditation to become more AWARE of your own emotions and desires in order to achieve mastery over them.

u/whiffypants · 10 pointsr/IAmA

No OP, but I'd like to strongly recommend Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft (non-affiliate Amazon link) to you if you've never read it. It's one of the very best books you could ever read about the denial and other thought processes behind domestic violence.

&gt; Do you have any tips on how I can maybe assist my former abusers in regards to reflecting on the situation?

You'll have more tips and authentic responses to give than you ever thought possible after reading that, not an exaggeration. The author gives many, plus it's such an eye opener that you'll definitely come up with a few of your own.

I literally can't recommend it enough for anyone having to deal with DV, either as a provider or a survivor.

u/bankersvconsultants · 10 pointsr/Christianity

Out of curiosity, why would you ask a religious subreddit for advice after explicitly identifying as an atheist who actively dislikes organized religion? In all likelihood, beyond suggesting that you seek out a church and pray, it's unlikely that anyone here would be able to give any more special advice than anyone in another subreddit would. Anyway, like I said, just curious.

As for the food issue, I would say that you should try to start small. If you're over-eating, don't try to go straight to celery and ice cubes, but rather try cutting out some of the more egregious offenses to your diet, e.g. potato chips, dessert, etc. As you find you can do this successfully, then keep taking small steps. Trying to make big leaps is a pretty sure recipe for failure unless you have a very strong will (which it sounds like you don't with regard to these issues, given that you're in this situation in the first place!). If you combine this with moderate exercise, you could see some results fairly quickly. This could be something as simple as going for a 30 minute walk every day.

With regard to your job, I don't know what you do or what your qualifications are, but maybe it's time for a switch! You could try taking job diagnostics online or seeing if anyone in your area offers career counseling. A lot of local libraries sometimes have job resources for free. If you have the resources, perhaps it's time to retrain and go back to school or another professional development program. Depending on your field, sometimes lateral movements to other companies can result in a significant increase in salary and possibly responsibility if that's what you feel like is lacking.

As for your marriage, I would suggest as a small step in the right direction reading The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Though he is Christian and this book does contain some Biblical references, it's very applicable to everyone. I'm not saying it's going to cure whatever is going on between you and your spouse, but it could help! It seems like you listed these issues in order of increasing seriousness, so as the problems get bigger, unfortunately the advice becomes less and less applicable.

u/any_name_left · 10 pointsr/offmychest

I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Sounds like my past marriage. No one can tell you what is the right move. The question is, do you want this to work? Do you really really want to run or do you want to work it out? If you want to make it work, it sounds like you both need to go to marriage counseling. It will be rough for both of you but not impossible.

If you are truly ready to be done and never see her again. Tell her. Most likely she'll want time to work it out. Again, up to you. If you leave, it will be rough as well.

Another note, it might be worth reading "5 love languages" I know it sounds cheesy but it could help.

Best of luck. From my experience it got worse but it will get better. :D

u/iloveeating · 10 pointsr/relationships

Have him read this book if he's willing. It's pretty self explanatory but sometimes people need things spelled out for them. Especially guys.

http://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-That-Lasts/dp/0802473156

u/usrnmsux · 10 pointsr/leanfire

Sure. There's a bit of a story arc where I came to my senses first, then discovered I wanted to unfuck my life, and leanfire principles is a part of that.

The one that started it all was The Art of Happiness. I was miserable and herein the Dali Lama shocked my life with his assertion that the goal of your life is to be happy. I had a mindset that I had to suffer in order to be worthy of good things in life.

Then, if I recall correctly were non buddhist books, but in the realm getting your head straight:Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life: I saw this man's TED talk.

&amp; How to Stubbornly Refuse to Make Yourself Miserable About Anything

These two go great together to discover that its all in your head and you can change that. I had a terrible inner dialogue and was able to be rid of it. Life Changer!

The I think I read The Wisdom of Insecurity: A Message for an Age of Anxiety probably 10 times over the last 4-5 years &amp; listened to the audio book when falling asleep. This one really underlined how miserable we make ourselves striving for security that isn't to be had. There is wisdom here that constantly reveals itself long after having read it.

The Pema Chodron Audio Collection was a constant go to also.

My most recent listening are lectures by Ajahn Brahm of Buddhist Society of Western Australia - These lectures really turned me around to moving past the pain, fear &amp; worry about changing my life.

\^\^ I really like listening to these while falling asleep or with a nap on the couch on Sat/Sun afternoons.

Some other notables:

Fuck It: The Ultimate Spiritual Way : Saying Fuck It when you're miserable due to expectations and attachments has a real emotional response vs the above which can be very cerebral.

Man's Search for Meaning: Sometimes it's hard to grateful when wrapped up in our own lives. I read this once a year as a refresher. When I'm being ungrateful I try to remember what others have put up with and it calms down my complaining mind.

The Art of Disappearing: Buddha's Path to Lasting Joy : more from Ajahn Brahm - There is a better way to live our lives and not be miserable. Simplicity and lean fire go really well together.

More minimalism than buddhism, but they jive well together:

Ikigai: The Japanese Secret to a Long and Happy Life

Goodbye, Things: The New Japanese Minimalism

Above all I feel these are all about snapping out of the nonsense mindsets &amp; habits many of us have.

Good luck.

u/bugeats · 10 pointsr/synthesizers

A lot of people here are talking about finishing the work they've started. This has always been a challenge for me. However, I recently did finish a full length album that I'm really proud of. It was a fucking battle every day, but it's done!. This book helped me a lot:

The War of Art: Break Through the Blocks and Win Your Inner Creative Battles

Highly recommended. Us synth nerds seem to have a particular problem with this kinda thing.

u/ombwtk · 10 pointsr/MMA

Everyone has a certain amount of potential in any given activity and mindset is crucial in developing ones potential to the fullest (both rate of improvement and limits on that improvement). Carol Dweck wrote a book called Mindset that discusses this concept in depth:

http://www.amazon.ca/Mindset-Psychology-Success-Carol-Dweck/dp/0345472322/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;amp;qid=1421164977&amp;amp;sr=8-1&amp;amp;keywords=mindset

I'm not sure if Conor has read that book, but he lives it more than any other person I know of. I'm sure other top athletes have the same kind of mindset, but Conor's the only one I know of that is vocal about it.

u/kaidomac · 10 pointsr/theXeffect

Going to throw some pop psychology in here:

  1. There's a great book called "Mindset" by Carol Dweck, which puts forth the idea that we only have one of two mindsets about any given situation in our lives. In short, they are the "fixed" mindset ("this is why I can't") and the "growth" mindset ("how can I?"). It's the idea that you can learn &amp; grow &amp; do better by being proactive instead of reactive, aka working on stuff instead of just living by excuses.
  2. I suffered from a strong "all or nothing" mentality growing up, which was really stressful, because it's hard to put forth a tremendous amount of effort consistently on any single thing that actually works real work. I can do it for video games or Internet surfing non-stop, and I can do big-effort potshots here &amp; there on projects, like staying up all night to write an essay, but I'd always paint myself into a corner mentally because of my perfectionist attitude. I did great work...when I worked...but I'd often quit because I'd hit some sort of slump where I wasn't Superman in every single situation, like I wanted to be &amp; thought I had to be. It's an odd line of thinking, but we're emotionally-driven creates, and it was difficult to work through those feelings!
  3. I later came to learn about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), which says that feelings &amp; emotions are separate; feelings are things you have, but emotions come from thinking. We're all subjective to cognitive distortions as well, which are incorrect forms of thinking. In my case, I suffered from very polarized thinking - I had to do it perfectly, or else it wasn't worth doing! Or that I was a failure. This sounds incredibly silly writing it out, but because thoughts convert into emotions &amp; we live emotional lives, I was constantly struggling with feeling discouraged because I couldn't do things perfectly all the time!
  4. I then came across a fantastic TED Talk by Angela Duckworth on the concept of "grit" as a means to success. The basic idea is that the key to success is not giving up. This sounds incredibly obvious when you listen to it, but in practice, that concept is far from the reality that most people live in! "I can't cook", "I can't play the guitar", "I'm terrible at sports", etc. are all examples of using a fixed mindset to make an excuse &amp; then quit all forward progress on whatever it is you're working on. That's why being "gritty" is so important - you only fail if you quit!

    I have 3 definitions of grit, all of which involved mental choices:

  5. Being willing to experiment until you obtain success
  6. Being willing to fail until you obtain success
  7. Being willing to be persistent until you obtain success

    To flesh that out a bit:

  8. If you've ever tried cooking something, chances are you've goofed up at least once recipe along the way, or perhaps you tried a recipe that was kinda-sorta good, but needed some tinkering along the way. In this case, being willing to experiment with things instead of just quitting means that you can grow &amp; develop a successful recipe - or skill or achievement - until you get to where you want to be, which is, by definition, success! Because of our built-in human nature, screw-ups feel like failures, which tend to make us stop working on things because we just flat-out quit.
  9. The classic example here is of a baby learning how to talk - they have to stumble &amp; fall for months &amp; months until they figure it out. If adults had to do it, we'd just quit, because that's too hard to do in the face of so much failure - it didn't come easy the first or the second or the third time, so I guess that's that, we're just terrible at whatever we're working on! But that's not the case - certain things come easy to certain people, and some those same things can be monumentally difficult for other people, and that's okay!
  10. It sounds weird to use failure as a path to success, but that's simply how reality operates: you keep chipping away on it, consistently, over time, until you achieve success. Failure is not a Bad Thing; quitting is a bad thing, when your goal is to be successful. With this perspective, we can now adopt failure as part of our success story, rather than a sign that we should stop trying.
  11. Likewise, being persistent is the key to continuing on the path. One of my current personal mottos is "small bites daily". That idea is partly from the question: "How do you eat an elephant?", to which the answer is "one bite at a time." The other part is about making consistent progress as the primary engine for success, so combining those two ideas, I came up with "small bites daily".

    part 1/2
u/Divine18 · 10 pointsr/Nanny

Good god, run.
And then read The gift of Fear

Trust your instincts/your gut. Being too careful one too many times is better than not being careful enough one time.

u/wakko666 · 10 pointsr/polyamory

I disagree. The Ethical Slut doesn't adequately discuss committed relationships. It's old, dated, and only covers a very specific and somewhat tangential topic: how to sleep around ethically.

The book she wants is Opening Up, which actually covers polyamory, compersion, mono-poly, polyfidelity, and other topics that are far more relevant to her situation.

u/hahanawmsayin · 10 pointsr/makemychoice

Yes. Not just for this girl, but because you'll need to ask for what you want in life. Whether prom works out or not, you might as well start getting in the habit.

For this instance in particular, keep in mind -- prom is (ideally) about having fun. If you make it mean something more than that, she'll feel that pressure. The pressure of you wanting her to say yes, you wanting her to like you, you wanting her to be your girlfriend, etc.

Not that those are bad things to want, but they put pressure on the other person, and that can be uncomfortable if they're not yet ready to accept that.

On the other hand, if you invite her and she gets the feeling that it's going to be fun, she won't have to worry about breaking your heart if she says no, or that prom itself is going to be this huge, stressful situation (because so much is riding on it for you) it'll be much easier for her to say yes.

In that scenario, she only has to be responsible for herself -- she doesn't have to worry about you, and that's an attractive quality. Someone who's going to enjoy himself no matter what. No pressure.

Try to put yourself in the other person's shoes. That advice that'll serve you well throughout your life.

Recommended reading:

u/over-my-head · 10 pointsr/selfimprovement

CBT is THE recommended treatment for depression, anxiety and OCD, and numerous studies have proven it is EQUALLY as effective for treating depression as SSRIs/anti-depressant or anxiolytic drugs.

(However, for severe depression, SSRIs PLUS CBT therapy is the best treatment).

If you can't afford CBT, start by buying the books Feeling Good and The Feeling Good Handbook by Dr. David Burns. They are the CBT Bibles.

http://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-The-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336

(Only $6.00!)

http://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-Handbook-David-Burns/dp/0452281326

And make sure you actually do the little work assignments in the book. Just passively reading will not help you.

u/ZeroBugBounce · 10 pointsr/ainbow

Let me assure you, this self-hating issue you describe is common to human beings for a lot of reasons (and commonly for your reason) and YES, you can overcome it, absolutely. Therapy will help, but until you can afford it, you will have to work on it yourself.

Healing these sorts of things really is a process, and consistency (working on it every day, for a short time) will likely work best.

I am not a therapist, but I think it's pretty obvious when you are fed guilt and shame messages about being gay all of your life, there's a big buildup of emotional baggage that weighs you down. By 'weighs you down' I mean causes you to have automatically negative thoughts and feelings (e.g. guilt) to your own natural gay feelings and desires. Judgmental religious environments will, in a sense, train you to feel this way through explicit and non-explicit signals and messages they give you about homosexuality.

Your job is to recognize and challenge these automatic responses. Every time they happen, you should be prepared to slow down, pull the thoughts and feelings apart and have better, positive messages to replace them. At least, that's a start.

I would recommend The Feeling Good Handbook as a very good guide to this process and for other ways to combat your guilt and self-hate feelings. You are likely to find it in any decent library, so should cost you nothing to obtain, but if you can't find it, PM me and I will buy you a copy.

Don't limit yourself to this, though, find other reading recommendations and learn all you can about how to help yourself, if you are so inclined. Positive Psychology is one area to look into. In any case, don't hesitate to get a therapist once you are able to. I'm sure you can improve your mind on your own, but I think most research ties the best outcomes to having a caring therapist... and once you can, shop around for one - don't just take the first thing you can get!

Good luck!

u/argylepancake · 10 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life by Susan Forward, she also wrote Toxic In-Laws!


This is still my favorite go-to for any abused person. This book very gently informed me that I was the target child (scapegoat) and it was not my fault. She also walks you thru

  • establishing boundaries
  • letter writing examples
  • forgive or not forgive
  • how to talk to your Golden Child/favored siblings about things they didn't see/know


    Specifically for those of us raised by narcissists:

    Why is it All About You?: The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism by Sandy Hotchkiss

    The best thing in this book is how she lays out projection and the transference of the narcissist's shame onto the child and how that messes us up. I have dozens of post-it flags in this book.
u/Proeliata · 10 pointsr/WTF

I doubt anyone will see this since it's so far down, but although I've never experienced anything like this video, I grew up with an emotionally and verbally abusive parent, and that leaves scars all of its own. I've been working on getting past it for years, and I just wanted to mention that this book is an excellent one to read if you're trying to get over your own demons: http://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553381407/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;amp;qid=1320217883&amp;amp;sr=8-1

I wish I could recommend it to every single person in this post who's had to go through these problems.

u/BruceIsLoose · 10 pointsr/Christianity

Just off the top of my head:

  • Children. What are your plans for your children? Are you the same denomination? If not, which will you raise your children in? How many do you want? Are either of you Catholic and lean towards N.F.P or are you okay with birth control?

  • Finances. How much do you spend? What are your long term financial goals? Do you want to travel? Do you want to help your future children out with college? Do either of you want to be the stay-at-home parent for your children while the other works? What debts do you two have individually? How do you plan to pay them off?

  • Sex. Likes? Dislikes? Hard limits? Level of kink? Good at communicating and being open to your partners desires without them feeling self-conscious? Frequency? General compatibility?

    Also...go buy The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.
u/ginger_sprout · 10 pointsr/stopdrinking

I recently read Codependent No More and I can’t recommend it enough. It has really helped me see how my old thinking and behavior in relationships kept me locked in unhealthy patterns and kept me from developing as a person, independently of what anyone else was doing. It’s helping me realize that the only person who I can or should try to control is myself.

I’m currently reading The Language Of Letting Go by the same author, which has daily thoughts about about the same topics. It has also been hugely helpful to me, and is available for free, along with other recovery readings, at recoveryreadings.com.

When I first got sober this time around I went to an Alanon meeting, which is a support group for people who are in relationships with alcoholics. I’m not currently in a relationship, and it didn’t feel entirely relevant to where I am right now, but it’s a fantastic resource and might be worth checking out.

Therapy has also been a great resource and support for me. I’ve gotten sober before while living with an active alcoholic. My ex was not as regular or as compulsive of a drinker as I was, but he still drank regularly, in unhealthy ways, and addiction popped up in a lot of ways, for both of us, in how we lived our lives. It was tough for me to stay focused on doing what I needed to do to take care of myself and support my sobriety. I worked a lot on putting effort into it, but I didn’t look for ways to get the support that I needed. More support, earlier, would’ve helped me a lot.

That’s just my experience, for what it’s worth. I wish you luck, and it sounds like you’re in a loving and healthy headspace regarding all of this.

u/Jilly_Bean16 · 10 pointsr/breakingmom

Your partner and Patrick sound pretty codependent. I like this book for learning more about codependent relationships and how to increase self esteem.

u/arithmetok · 10 pointsr/CPTSD

Hey, it’s fucking bullshit that cost is a factor when we’re facing a life-threatening injury. It’s bullshit that you have to figure out how to do this on your own. However, I know that you can do this. You’re already doing it — asking for help is the first step. Allow me to believe this for you until you can believe it yourself.

I have had unearned privilege that granted me immoral access to resources, some quite expensive or even elite, and I’ve worked my ass off, and I am living a meaningful life worth living.

However, I hope you find it encouraging that I made the most progress in reparenting myself using books that you might even be able to get at the library.

Complex PTSD: From Surviving To Thriving — Pete Walker

Codependent No More — Melody Beattie

Codependent No More WORKBOOK — Melody Beattie

Facing Codependence — Pia Mellody

Breaking Free WORKBOOK - Pia Mellody

Codependent behaviors and motivations overlap significantly with CPTSD, and codependency can be at the root of all kinds of trauma responses (freeze, fawn, fight, flight). So, strategies developed for codependence often include an element of reparenting, inner child work, etc.

I found going to co dependents anonymous meetings to be another cost-effective resource. (Usually suggested donation of $2, only if you have it.) Being around other people openly struggling towards healthy and loving relationships with themselves helped mitigate the shame I felt.

One important step in the process that I think it’s easy to skip over is giving thought about what kind of parent you are using to parent yourself? What are their qualities? Things like ‘patient, quiet, attentive, sober’ might come up.

Then, when you’re in need of reparenting,
You can ask yourself ‘how would a parent with the qualities I chose respond to me right now?’

It’s important that you’re activating your imagination in the reparenting process — try not to think of your ideal parent as the opposite of your actual parent. You’re trying to open up the brain to accepting a new idea — putting a splint on the trauma injury — so it’s not helpful to remind it of past patterns when you’re trying to write new ones.

I hope that made sense! Feel free to ask clarifying questions.

u/penguin_stratosphere · 10 pointsr/LifeProTips

There is a nice book about this. The present mantra of popular career advice is follow your passion. But this turns out to be not so good idea, becasue to actually have work that has the qualities of good work, you need to have something to give in exchange. That something is your unique skills.

https://www.amazon.com/Good-They-Cant-Ignore-You/dp/1455509124/

u/llyev · 10 pointsr/getdisciplined

These two books by Cal Newport, one of the best authors on productivity and discipline.

Deep Work

So Good They Can't Ignore You

And also, The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg

Aaaand, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People

For mindset, I also recommend The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck by Mark Manson. It'll teach you to choose your battles carefully, although you can find most of that content in his site.

u/h20falz · 10 pointsr/LifeAfterNarcissism

Hugs, I do that all the time. Healthy parenting is supposed to instill a jiminy cricket-like inner voice in the child, full of positivity and reassurance to help them thrive as adults. Unfortunately Nparents do pretty much the opposite, creating a toxic inner monologue of criticism and negativity. The key to fixing it is to identify the negative self talk and work on replacing it with the positivity and reassurance over time. There's a book, From Surviving to Thriving and a website both by Pete Walker that really helped me work on the negative self talk that may be of benefit to you.

u/light0507 · 10 pointsr/askwomenadvice

My favorite resource is thriveafterabuse.com. Dana has been through it herself and speaks in practical terms. She has a Youtube channel too. On the site there are support groups and reading lists.

Lisa Romano is also on Youtube and another good resource.

The books that really resonated for me when I realized what was going on were about self care. The Body Keeps the Score was very helpful. So was Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving.

It takes time. You will be ok. Take care!

u/AnnnaNicoleSmith · 10 pointsr/socialwork

I would recommend looking into “C-PTSD.” It’s not an official diagnosis in the DSM (and it is a bit different than PTSD), but IMO describes adults with attachment issues. A great place to start is Pete Walker’s Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A Guide and Map for Recovering from Childhood Trauma.

Also, I’ve started learning about relational psychoanalysis and how it can be used to help my adult clients with attachment issues. So since I’m still at the beginnings of learning the theory, I cannot make any recommendations for specific books to reference. The podcast “Between Us: A Psychotherapy Podcast” has been an easy intro into learning more about relational psychoanalysis while I save money to complete a formal training.

u/TarnishedTeal · 9 pointsr/LifeAfterNarcissism

Lots and lots of therapy. I've been in therapy for awhile now and have turned out pretty Okay. It was a lot of hard work to stop those narc actions in their tracks and try to reform what I was doing or saying in a non-narc way, and begin to think like the gentle person I know I can be.

I too, have some pretty awful behaviors. I discovered that my parents were pretty racist and while I thought I wasn't, I had some pretty awful thoughts about certain groups. So I've tried to subscribe to a few subreddits to change my ideas. I won't give any examples because I don't feel like getting roasted in my inbox.

I've mostly stopped being entitled. This has come more with learning to budget and being able to buy stuff for myself. That way nobody owes me anything, I just get it for myself. My husband and I have even eliminated our system of chores so that there are no points or "I did more than you did" or "you owe me these dishes". We just picked chores and only do those.

I think the bitterness is less Narc and more C-PTSD. I could be entirely off base there though! I've found the more aware I am of the situation the less I do it. I still have my bad moments.

I would read Pete Walker's book on C-PTSD if you haven't already. Not everybody who experiences abuse will develop C-PTSD, but some do. Also I've found /r/CPTSD to be particularly helpful.

Most of all, though, I wish you luck. The journey to not being a narc is full of self-doubt and struggle. But the mere fact that you recognize these behaviors as bad usually means that you're on the right path. True narcs will find nothing wrong with anything you listed. I know for myself it has been a struggle of paying attention to certain things that seem "off" and trying to be more self-observant. But I'm way better today than I was a year and a half ago when I left my family. Which was already much better than say, when I graduated high school. And good lord, if I can escape the clutches of narcissism, I think anybody can.

u/BrilliantDragonfly · 9 pointsr/exjw

Thank you for trying for him, and being the real definition of a friend. Trusting people when you are trained to believe that everyone outside of the cult is a servant of the Devil and out to make you suffer is hard to overcome.

So here's my advice, maybe you could introduce him to therapy a little differently and in smaller doses. Ask him every step of the way to if any of the following or other commenters suggestions is something he would be interested in trying. He never had free will, the organization, his family, and congregation literally ran his life for him. He needs to understand what a friend is and that you are his friend, and not his dictator. He has to be an active participant in his own healing, and in a friendship. Be patient, and know that showing him the door to recovery and independence, is enough. You are good person for trying for him, and that is enough. Ultimately, allow him to choose to help himself.

So, to be more specific on how to help, introduce the idea of reading accredited articles about C-PTSD, Anxiety, and cult recover on psychology websites or from cult recovery groups. Allow him to visit the websites of therapists who write articles about subjects that matter to him, like Pete Walker concerning C-PTSD. Or introduce the idea of reading self help books. Since I mentioned Pete Walker, he wrote Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving. Tell him to recommend some for you to read, this means he found them on his own, liked them, and wanted to share. And even introduce him to idea of lurking on a few safe subs. It doesn't have to be r/exjw at first, but could be something like r/aww to see nice things and interact with more people on his own terms. It doesn't have to be, and shouldn't be an avalanche of information (like I just gave to you). But, a help nugget here and there, that he can approach from a safe place of his own choosing, can help him learn that just like you, therapists aren't bad and they could really help him thrive instead of just surviving. Best wishes &lt;3

u/WhiteTigerZimri · 9 pointsr/energy_work

I'd recommend seeing a trauma-informed therapist who uses sensorimotor psychotherapy or somatic practice, and check out this book: https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842

This page also has some tips and techniques that could help you: https://whitetigerwisdom.tumblr.com/post/175876890807/resources-for-dealing-with-trauma-stress-and

I've also found EFT tapping, Eden Energy Medicine and Biodynamic Craniosacral Therapy quite helpful. I'd recommend trying a few different methods and see what works for you.

u/stoicsmile · 9 pointsr/AskReddit

Absolutely! There are 4!

&gt;The Four Agreements are:

&gt;#1. Be Impeccable with your Word:

&gt;Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the Word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your Word in the direction of truth and love.

&gt;#2. Don’t Take Anything Personally

&gt;Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

&gt;#3. Don’t Make Assumptions

&gt;Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

&gt;#4. Always Do Your Best

&gt;Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

You can also buy the book for elaboration on the four agreements. It's a really great read.

u/sarcastic_jerk · 9 pointsr/justwriterthings

I recommend this book - The War of Art: Break Through the Blocks and Win Your Inner Creative Battles. This post reminds me of what Steve Pressfield refers to as resistance. If you were to follow his advice, I think he'd recommend taking on 'pro' habits and focusing on just one thing til it's done and viewing the drive to not complete it, in your case because another idea popped up, as resistance. And fuck resistance. Tell resistance to kick rocks and fuck on off while you put in work get your book done.

u/FairyButts · 9 pointsr/Showerthoughts

I'm still working on this, but my technique has definitely shown improvement. I clean for at least 5-15 mins a day. Small but it adds up.

Also, I don't get into self help books, but if you're a creative person or simply have a goal, I highly recommend [The War of Art by Steven Pressfield ](The War of Art: Break Through the Blocks and Win Your Inner Creative Battles https://www.amazon.com/dp/1936891026/ref=cm_sw_r_sms_c_api_hH3MybDT5QJ2K)

u/Share-Metta · 9 pointsr/streamentry

Hi,

I think this is a good opportunity for you to go back to basics in your practice. You've done an excellent job in recognizing your patterns of craving/aversion. The clarity of your words in describing your situation really speaks highly of the time you've put in to your practice, regardless of whether it's regular or not at the moment. You deserve to feel good about the progress you've made, so pat yourself on the back!

Now we can get back to basics and some age-old wisdom that you're going to find helpful. The intense aversion that you're having towards your work situation, at its core, is really a form of craving. If the understanding that craving/aversion are the same phenomenon comes to you intuitively, great! If not, spend some time thinking about it and you'll have an 'a-ha' moment.

So, what do we know about craving? Well, thanks to the Buddha's teachings we can observe for ourselves that our suffering in life is caused by craving and through mindful living we can learn to relax craving and reduce our suffering. Time spent in meditation allows us to experience this process first-hand, and it gives us an opportunity to dedicate ourselves to powerful mindfulness with few distractions. However, the reality of life for most of us is that we don't spend most of our time each day on a meditation cushion. We have jobs, obligations, and relationships that require the majority of our time and attention. For this reason it's extremely beneficial to develop daily, moment-to-moment mindfulness.

In my opinion, the term mindfulness is often poorly understood. Really it's just the process of being aware of your moment-to-moment experience. Imagine for a moment the experience of watching a movie. You're sitting in a chair, or on your couch, with the television in front of you. As you settle in to the movie, you effortlessly become absorbed in the sights and sounds on the screen. As you become more engrossed in the film, your awareness of your physical sensations and immediate surroundings fade away. Only when we hear a noise, or perhaps like always happens to me when I go to the movies and I've gotten the extra large soda and get the sudden urge to pee, only then do the entirety of our surroundings and immediate experience come into view and we see the movie for what it is: images of light projected on a screen.

Just like a good movie can sweep our attention away, our own thoughts, emotions, and reactions can have just as strong of a pull on our attention. Mindfulness is the process of learning to continually pop back out of this dream-like state and simply observe our present moment experience.

The suffering you have described is partly because you are losing mindfulness throughout the day and being pulled into an illusory world of negative thoughts and emotions that, in that moment of being pulled away, you identify with and believe to be your own. These negative thoughts and emotions color your perception of reality and shape your experience. With mindfulness you can begin to break this pattern and see that those moments are just as fabricated as the images projected onto a movie screen. Seductive, of course, but when viewed objectively the magnetic-like pull vanishes.

There are a variety of methods you can use to help develop strong mindfulness off the cushion. You can use your breathing as an anchor to the present moment, this is a very good anchor. It brings you back to your physical senses and it's a process that's always there as long as you're alive. The breath becomes a constant reminder to come back to the present moment. Another method is to use self-inquiry to check-in from moment to moment with your experience: "What is this?" "How mindful am I right now?". By getting in the habit of checking-in, we become more aware of our moment-to-moment experience and we can more quickly recognize when we are pulled away.

You asked about a guide to help you with mindfulness in daily life and there are some great books. I'm going to just recommend one right now because it's short, affordable and focused exactly on what you're working on right now:

Mindfulness in Plain English
https://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-English-Bhante-Henepola-Gunaratana/dp/0861719069

Last, I'd like to just take a moment to share a few thoughts on the bi-polar discussion in this thread. I'm not a mental health professional, so it would be irresponsible of me to try and diagnose you over the internet or give you mental health advice. If looking at your own situation as objectively as possible, you think it will benefit you to seek professional guidance I would encourage you to do so. There's really no downside to a professional opinion. I would avoid coming to any conclusions on the matter until you've done that though.

I wish you all the best!

u/pface · 9 pointsr/productivity

I'm sure you've probably heard it before, but GTD seeks to solve exactly this -- getting things out of your mind and into a system that you trust so that they stop bothering you all the time and you can focus on just the task at hand.

There are two parts of GTD that really helped with feeling overwhelmed by inputs and afraid of loose ends:

  1. Inbox -- a place where things sit until I can devote time to categorize them and assign an action to them. This involved acknowledging that things didn't have to be addressed as soon as they were given to me.

  2. Weekly review -- a place where I go back over what's come in over the week to capture anything that I missed, so I don't stay up late at night thinking about that e-mail I forgot to reply to. I also go through handy information I've found to add to my references category.

    My word of caution is that organization is a function of time and consistency. No app will ever be able to eliminate that (and some seem to just make it worse). I have a coworker who has 3,000 folders and subfolders in her email system. It's beautiful to look at, but I have just as much success finding e-mails using the search bar. Do yourself a favor and be judicious about how much organization is worthwhile.
u/NoyzMaker · 9 pointsr/sysadmin

Start out with a notepad and pen at your desk, when something strikes you or a task comes in. Write it down. Eventually the problem solver in you will kick in after about a week or two of doing this to develop a more efficient process.

Look in to stuff like Getting Things Done to help review organization systems that are out there currently.

Personally I keep my e-mail organized by folder and if it is unread then it means I need to address it. I always have a notepad or notebook for quick scribble notes, tasks from walk-ins and other stuff I can't type up quickly. Everything else is stored in Evernote (or eventually gets there) with major tasks set as reminders and a to-do list in that reminder note.

u/Jackal000 · 9 pointsr/GetMotivated

William Irvine's take on stoicism in modern world helped me tremendously. It's such an practical philosophy.

I really recommend this book.

This book might spark the interest back on.

u/Sennmeistr · 9 pointsr/Stoicism

&gt;Combatting depression

Quoting a recent comment of mine:

&gt;You might want to look into cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), if that isn't what you already did.

&gt;Recommended books:
The Philosophy of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and
Unshakeable Freedom.


&gt;Also: Recommended Post.

 
&gt;Philosophy and Stoicism

Apart from the Enchiridion and the Meditations, the primary reading list includes letters and essays from Seneca as well as Cicero or the fragments from Musonius Rufus. Modern books include How to be a Stoic, A guide to the good life and Stoicism and the art of happiness. The FAQ has a nice list which is worth checking out.

&gt;Books about changing the way you think (false thoughts vs. truths)

This might not be Stoic, but you might be interested in Thinking fast and slow.

&gt;Identity

Might not be exactly what you were looking for, but reading The mind illuminated and implementing meditation as a practice, changed the way I think about myself and my thoughts on a daily basis.

&gt;The ego

A favourite of mine is the eight page-long article by urbanmonk.

A good starting point for thought provoking and self-help books is the sub /r/BettermentBookClub. If you search for thought provoking articles, /r/Foodforthought or /r/philosophy is the way to go.

u/Luxylyx · 9 pointsr/howtonotgiveafuck

I recommend this book if you are interested in stoicism and how to apply it to today's life:

http://www.amazon.com/Guide-Good-Life-Ancient-Stoic/dp/0195374614

u/catmoon · 9 pointsr/videos

I've actually read the book. It's called "The Game". It's a bizarre story about an extremely insecure short, bald guy who becomes a successful "pickup artist" by learning magic tricks and wearing boas and unusual hats.

While it seems to have improved his extremely low self-esteem he doesn't build one meaningful relationship with a single person throughout the entire book.

By the end of the book I felt nothing but pity for the people who had to disconnect from the world in order to get past the anxiety that kept them from meeting people. The greatest irony is that at the point that they finally gain enough confidence to meet people, they've lost the empathy and attachment that makes a relationship worthwhile.

u/Geckel · 9 pointsr/IWantToLearn

This is my own interpretation, with a little added psychology. There are two big factors I'd consider in this and they both fall under the description of "environment".

  1. The Social Group. Everyone plays a role in their social group. Each person exhibits "expected" behaviours. It makes social gatherings easy and "predictable". We are a species of comfort. Find out what role you play and change it. This is hard because it surprises and makes a lot of your friends uncomfortable. We are afraid of change.

  2. The Drinking Setting. The drinking environment plays a huge role. When people choose to drink, they are often aware of the drinking setting. Most people drink in a setting where they are able to experience new emotions. They're getting drunk and being vulnerable, guarded, happy, sad, etc. Many people go to bar exactly for the unpredictable nature of meeting new people, feeling attractive, flirting, etc. This kind of environment creates a feedback loop for people to try out a different persona and not be, for the most part, shunned by their social community. This environment is hard to reproduce.

    Now here's the thing about people. We are pre-disposed to certain behaviours as cultivated by our genetics and our environment but we are incredibly malleable. If you decide to be happy, you will be happy. Same with sad, confident, timid, outgoing, shy etc. Gain experience with new behaviours and then reproduce them. After enough reproduction you will no longer have to "choose" to be the fun guy. It will be natural. This is what people often call being "on".

    As an aside, be wary of narcissistic tendencies, particularly dishonesty. As soon as you begin lying to yourself, you're going to be in for a world full of hurt and disillusionment.

    Also bear in mind that not everything lasts, learn and grow. Like everything else, there's time for friendly banter and the "fun guy" but I wouldn't invite that guy to too many funerals or business meetings.

    If you're interested in doing a little background homework that expands on the ideas discussed, don't hesitate to consult the rules.
u/KoentJ · 9 pointsr/sex

You say you realise this is the path to resentment and anger, but even so the option is very attractive to a lot of people, to 'prove a point' (as can be seen in the comments is done by more people). The fact that you are considering to use such a tactic says nothing about your sex life, and everything about your communicative skills as a couple.


Let me give an example that might show how incredibly ridiculous the plan is:

You come home one night to find your SO angry. She is furious because you forgot to shine her shoes for half a year. You're dumbfounded. Why would you be responsible for the shine on her shoes? You never even considered she wanted you to shine her shoes! At first you're angry, she expected you to be telepathic and understand her needs without hearing them from her. Eventually, you have a civil discussion and realise she really wants you to shine her shoes.

As you love your SO, you want to accomodate her needs. You want her to be happy. So you do your best to shine her shoes as often as you can. Unfortunately, shoeshine is expensive, you work long hours, you're a tad forgetful (because who isn't when they're busy doing other things?) and your shoeshining technique isn't quite up to par. But you do your best.

Alas, your SO doesn't agree. She wants her shoes to be shined daily. She realises that you can't do it on a daily basis, but at least you could do it every other day! So, you try again, but as shoeshining is just not really your thing (it is a lot of work after all), it is hard to get yourself to do it. You get into fights about it more often, because your SO is hurt that you're not shining her shoes as often as she needs. Meanwhile, this adds to the pressure: No matter how much you shine her shoes, it will never be as much as she may like. You can never live up to her expectations.

And it all started, because she expects something from you without communicating what shoeshining is like for you. She assumed your needs were equal to her needs. Even after talking it through, her needs dominated the discussion.


I realise this is a ridiculous example, but this is the exact process I see in /r/deadbedrooms, time and time again. In fact, I have been guilty of this myself as my drive is higher than my SO's. The burden regarding any kind of dissatisfaction in a relationship can not be placed on either her alone (by demanding that she fulfills your needs), or on you alone (by not having your needs fulfilled). Only through communication, compromise, and a lot of blood, sweat and tears (well, hopefully not tears.. or blood..) from both of you.


These predicaments happen in all long-term relationships. Sometimes they are concerned with sex, sometimes they are concerned with something else entirely. This is the part where everyone in a long-term relationship claims that it is hard work. Because it is exactly this issue that is hard work.


I would like to point out that some people are helped incredibly by couple counselling. There are also a number of books I would recommend if councelling is not an option. For any of these books it is important that both partners read them and go through the exercises. Like I said, you have to do this together. The first book that gives a number of couples a lot of understanding of eachother is called The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chaplin. The book is concerned with trying to get to know eachothers needs and how to talk about them. Another book that is relevant in any relationship with low sexual activity is A Tired Woman's Guide to Passionate Sex by Laurie Mintz. Don't let the title of the book fool you, while directed at women it is actually a tool for regaining a sex drive in a relationship. It is as applicable to men as women, but overall it's a couple's tool.


I sincerely hope you, and others, do not choose the path of resentment. It is very rare to be compatible in every way with a SO. In this relationship it may be sex, but in another it may be something else entirely (not having the same amount of need to go out of the house, for example). Needs never completely match, so it takes work from both sides to make eachother happy.

u/finnoulafire · 9 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

I see it has been several hours now since this incident occurred. I hope that you have been able to make progress with the Police, and maybe make some phone calls to close family or friends. If you haven't done so yet, I encourage you today or tomorrow to call at least 1 person who is going to be your unconditional supporter and tell them what happened. It sounds like you have been very isolated recently, and whatever happens after this, I want you to reach out to that person who is going to be your teammate and cheerleader as you recover and plan for the future of your family.

The next thing I would say is to take his threats very seriously. It is good that you have written down some of the threats he made to you. If you are still in contact with the police, I would make a list of the threats he made and send it to the officer working on your case. Emphasize that you are afraid for the safety of multiple people - yourself, your child, and possibly other friends or family members who may try to protect you. Ask about the process of having a restraining order placed on him. Do you have a family member or friend you can stay with for a few days? Or who can come and stay with you? Look into changing the locks. If he tries to contact you, do not answer unless you have a police officer nearby.

Lastly, I want to leave two book recommendations that you may want to read over the next few weeks or months. The first is Why Does He Do That?. The second is The Gift of Fear. I hope you may be able to take the time to read these books and that they may provide some outside perspective for you.

u/Petskin · 9 pointsr/JUSTNOMIL

&gt; The most confusing thing about my mom is she goes back and forth. She will abuse me and then act like she did nothing and say she loves me. I’m just going to start listing the things she does because there are so many.

This is not only common as Vaadwaur said, but also exactly the intention. If she only did bad things, you'd start to seriously dislike her to the point where you'd fight back or flee. As she varies with bad stuff and good stuff the victim gets confused, and can't decide to escape. I think the book Why does he do that? had some bits of conversation with abusive men who did explain their strategy to some point in the book. It went somehow like this: 1. Beat the wife. 2. Apologize profusely claiming that you didn't want to do that but she had made him. 3. Be nice, take her out, be kind and loving. 4. Start over. And all that was intentional to break the victim's spirit.

/u/alwaysconfused64 's mother seems to know very well what she's doing, too. The book I mentioned above sells for maybe 8-9 dollars in second hand, and while I find it kind of semi-sexistic in the sense that it portrays only abusive men and victim women, it does have its points.

u/Aeilde_Light6 · 9 pointsr/TheGirlSurvivalGuide

Very true. Here's a link to purchase ($14) for those who can: https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656

u/TheLadyEve · 9 pointsr/SubredditDrama

The systems theory perspective holds that addictions are kept in place by the family system, rather than simply being the sole responsibility of the addict. Essentially, the family is like a cell, seeking some degree of homeostasis. For dysfunctional families, addiction may serve to maintain the balance of the system, so in order to change the addiction certain other factors in the family need to change as well. The addiction is serving a function, and as long as the system is reliant on that function (whatever it may be) then it will be very hard for the addict to successfully change within the system.


In terms of more academic reading, Substance Abuse and The Family is a helpful text. It gives a good overview of systems theory and how addiction functions in families.

In terms of books for family members looking for support, Codependent No More is a classic. Another book that is more general but which I just finished reading and loved is Adult Children: The Secrets of Dysfunctional Families.

u/izjustsayin · 9 pointsr/polyamory

I think it's great that you're willing to look into polyamory even though your first experience with it was not so great.

I don't think that this girl handled her relationships badly, necessarily. She was honest and upfront with you about everything she wanted and did. She may need some time management skills and some general communication skills, but from your story, it didn't seem like she was unfair to you. I get how being told you are not her "main" boyfriend could have been painful, but maybe she was just trying to make sure you understood that her commitment is first and foremost to him and she wanted to be clear that she wasn't going to leave him for you. Some people go into relationships with polyamorous people thinking that if they love them enough, they'll be able to convert them to monogamy (which can happen, but might not too).

&gt;I feel like this could have worked out if only I had been less insecure and not solely dependent on her for my relationship needs. Slowly I was managing to get rid of my jealous insecurities, and I even now question their rationality. I don't know that I could be in a poly relationship with this girl, but I can feel that it has definitely changed how I will approach future relationships.


You will probably never 100% "get rid" of jealous insecurities. We all have them from time to time. The difference for poly people is that we understand that jealousy is an emotion that stems from a fear of losing something. We will self analyze and work through what it is we're scared of losing, and seek reassurance when needed. Some people in poly have jealousies around their main partner, others have no jealousies with their main partner but tons with their secondary partner, etc. It's different for everyone, but it's important to get some insight into WHY you're feeling that way and go from there.


&gt;How did you all come to be polyamorous? Was there some definitive experience, or did you just kinda know it was what you wanted?

I didn't know the word when I became polyamorous. I just knew that I had developed feelings for other people besides my husband. It started out as a sexual relationship mostly, but developed into more. We all thought that we weren't looking for "relationships" with other people, just sex with other people. Once we decided sex with just each other (I'm in a quad of 2 married couples), strong feelings of love developed. We decided to go for it, and research led us to the poly community.

You'll probably hear from more than one person, to read "Opening Up" and "The Ethical Slut". Probably the best books out there about open relationships/polyamory.

Edit: Content

u/potator · 9 pointsr/polyamory

Hi guys. The Ethical Slut is certainly the cannon for polyamorists, but my favorite book on the subject has been Opening Up by Tristan Taormino. Be safe, have fun.

u/somedayillfindthis · 9 pointsr/weddingshaming

Char is an an emotionally abusive relationship that's only going to escalate further into other forms of abuse. I'm afraid if she doesn't want to get out, you guys can't help her.

Dick is using the textbook tactic of isolating her from her friends. He didn't have an issue with your ads, he was looking for something to as a stepping stone to isolate someone who loves Char and is looking out for her happiness(in this case, you).

Try to reach out and let Char know you love her and are always willing to help out. It was a great idea to spend that much on wedding gifts. Dick might stop trying to get her away from you and that means Char can still come to you if she needs help. I'm not sure from the info here if you should tell her she's in an abusive relationship directly—you guys were raised by traditional families and Char might get a knee jerk defensive reaction if you tell her her husband is abusive.

I'd suggest you try and read Why Does He Do That? : https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656

u/aop42 · 9 pointsr/martialarts

I would think that really important things to learn first would be proper situational awareness, and learning how to avoid things before they become problems, and learning how to run. I think a great cardio routine and the ability to put it in full gear with a sprint would be a great too. And then having the endurance to outrun your attacker. If you have to engage I think having a weapon on you (legal in your state) could even the odds, yet be sure you practice with that weapon and use it in a way where it can't be turned against you. Practice reaching for it too and pulling it out, and then be prepared to run afterwards. If you can't do that and somehow you still get taken into the fight then I would recommend BJJ, which will help you permit someone's bodyweight to go in the direction you want it to more and give you more of a fighting chance off the ground, and also Judo so you can help trip larger opponents (and then run). If you have to strike I would recommend something that has live sparring like boxing, kickboxing, or certain forms of karate, just so you get used to being hit and figure out the spacing needed for combat. Once you get used to that you'll be able to fight easier, and then run. And if you can practice going from one thing to the other, from striking to grappling. and vice-versa. Also learn to use your voice, and your posture, be assertive. Sometimes being direct but non-confrontational with people, (is there something I can do for you?) letting them know that you see them in a confident tone with direct but non threatening eye contact can let people know that you see them and maybe make them think twice.

I would recommend some books

Defensive Living: Preserving Your Personal Safety through Awareness, Attitude and Armed Action

The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals that Protect Us From Violence

Solo Training 2: The Martial Artist's Guide to Building the Core for Stronger, Faster, and More Effective Grappling, Kicking, and Punching (there are some great tips in here for the mental side of the game too, including tips for women)

Good luck with everything.

Also there's a great DVD set How to Defeat the Bigger Stronger Opponent with Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu

And Frank Shamrock has a good series on Defending the takedown Avoiding Takedown is Simple Part 1/3 (this one's on youtube Edit: Warning at some point there's some crackling in the right ear, be careful if you're on headphones)

Good luck!

u/goppeldanger · 9 pointsr/financialindependence

Link to the book for those interested: https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X

edit: free quiz, from author, to learn your 'language' http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/ . Book prob available at your local library.

u/disbelief12 · 9 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

You are very welcome. I feel like I get the best perspective and ideas from reading this sub.

After I wrote that, I realized that I actually have a letter like this, though I didn't write it to myself. It was a letter to my Nmom that I started drafting while I was dealing with her extinction burst last summer. I don't know if you have read the book Toxic Parents, but there is a template in there for writing your parent a letter -- I believe it goes "This is what you did, this is how it made me feel, this is how it has affected my life, and this is what I need from you going forward." So I was following that format, and I went over every last thing she had done to me -- from the very small to the egregious. I got as far as the first 2 topics and started on the 3rd before I ran out of energy (and ultimately decided to send her a completely different letter to enforce my boundaries). But I stumbled across this letter a few weeks ago and holy crap did it really hit me how much she has done to me that is not okay. Like seriously not okay. And at the time I wrote it, I don't think I even fully grasped how not okay a lot of that stuff was.

Anyway, my point is just that I can understand the emotional impact of going back and reading a letter that lays bare all of the abusive behavior that you've experienced. It really does make me say 'fuck you' to her all over again.

Best wishes to you.

u/Hacksaw86 · 8 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

Yes, I spent a short time in therapy to deal with an emotionally abusive dad. It helped me really come to terms with the fact that bad people can be parents too. (That might sound like a silly realization but it really helped me, as I couldn't really grasp what I had done to deserve getting stuck with him as a father). A few books my therapist recommended helped too:

http://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553381407/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;amp;qid=1396693883&amp;amp;sr=8-1&amp;amp;keywords=toxic+parents

http://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Blackmail-People-Obligation-Manipulate/dp/0060928972/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&amp;amp;qid=1396693911&amp;amp;sr=8-2&amp;amp;keywords=toxic+parents

There's also /r/raisedbynarcissists, which might be a good place for you to talk to people who can understand what it's like to have an emotionally abusive parent.

u/Larry-Man · 8 pointsr/MorbidReality

I've read some of this book to understand the abusive relationships I've been it. It's all about control. These men claim they can't stop but it's calculated. It is not rage, it's manipulation to the nth degree. Abusive men like to keep women off balance and insecure. It's beyond as messed up as I've thought it was.

u/VirginiaStepMonster · 8 pointsr/stepparents

&gt;I know I wouldn't have permission.

A grown woman doesn't need permission. And a good partner says to his SO, "Hey honey, you should go! Don't worry, I got the kid. Go have fun!" And they mean it when they say it.

&gt;He doesn't ever hit me

Sweetheart, he doesn't get brownie points for basic human decency. But I get this. I remember this line of thought, "Well, he's a jerk sometimes, but he doesn't hit me." Until he did. Until I ended up in the ER with a busted rib and lying to the nurses that it was an accident, that we were just playing. He hasn't hit you yet, but chances are that he will. He is escalating, and you are in danger.

&gt;he doesn't raise his voice unless I try to talk to him, but he will ignore me for days on end if I do something unfavorable to him.

I hate this man so much. He has you absolutely convinced this is your fault. It is NOT YOUR FAULT.

&gt;I did it all wrong.

No, you didn't. He did. He does. And those wonderful moments that you live for are the bait that he uses to keep you there as his personal footrest.

I recommended some books for you last time you where here. Did you get a chance to read any of them? If not, please get Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men and read it. You can find it on Amazon that I've linked to, and your local public library might have it as well. Read it, it is your life. I know, I've lived your life.

Please look at this as well. You are being abused. Only you have the power break the cycle and save yourself and your son.

u/supermonkeypie · 8 pointsr/Buddhism

I've recently been reading Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker due to my own anxiety issues after being given it by my girlfriend and have been realising that a lot of what I would have called anxiety attacks may actually be what Pete calls a freeze response. Which sounds very similar to what you are experiencing. Honestly I feel everyone should read this book but especially those who anger or anxiety issues. Well worth a look if you have the money and time, I will warn you though, it can be hard to read if there are parts that ring true for yourself and those around you. Good luck on your journey.

u/sacca7 · 8 pointsr/Meditation

Thoreau: Walden, although non-fiction, may be the closest.

Ram Dass: How Can I Help, also non-fiction, has stories that are perhaps what you are looking for.

Ken Wilber One Taste. Wilber's meditative "journal" for a year. It's one of my 5 top books ever.

Ken Wilber: Grace and Grit. "Here is a deeply moving account of a couple's struggle with cancer and their journey to spiritual healing."

In another area are Carlos Castenedas books, which came out as non-fiction but there have been arguments they are fiction, and I don't know or mind either way. They are based on shamanistic drug use, but I believe it all is possible without drugs.

The Teachings of Don Juan: A Yaqui Way of Knowledge

I have not read (Lila) Kate Wheeler's works, but I have heard of them. I've not read them mostly because if I can't get them at the library, I am too cheap to buy them.

Not Where I Started From

Nixon Under the Bodhi Tree is a collection of works and the authors there might lead you to more of their works.

I did read Bangkok Tatoo which has some Buddhist meditation themes in it, but it wasn't really to my liking.

The Four Agreements is said to be like Carlos Casteneda's books, but I have not read it.

Bottom line, I've read a lot, and I can't find any matches in my memory for Herman Hesse's Siddhartha. If I think of any I'll add it as an edit.

If you find anything interesting, please pm me, no matter how far in the future it is!

---

Edit: as per the reply below, I've added here if anyone has "saved" this post:

I thought of two more, these actually should be higher on my earlier list:

The Life of Milarepa : "The Life of Milarepa is the most beloved story of the Tibetan people amd one of the greatest source books for the contemplative life in all world literature. This biography, a true folk tale from a culture now in crisis, can be read on several levels.... "

Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance which was the start of all books titled, "Zen and the Art of ____." "One of the most important and influential books written in the past half-century, Robert M. Pirsig's Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance is a powerful, moving, and penetrating examination of how we live . . . and a breathtaking meditation on how to live better."

u/LenaLovegood · 8 pointsr/selfimprovement

The War of Art by Steven Pressfield.

An approachable, kick-in-the-ass type book whose advice is applicable for anything in life, art or not. I can't recommend this one enough for procrastinators and self-defeaters.

u/IxCptMorganxI · 8 pointsr/AskMen

I could suggest lots of stuff, but I want you to learn to be okay with bringing ANYTHING up. I've told my wife the weirdest stuff and she still loves me (probably cause of my rockin' bod and hairdo). Talking about this kind of stuff used to scare me, but take those baby steps and you'll be on your way!

So, to bring it up I would just tell your husband that you discovered Love Languages today and that you found out yours is _____ and you would like to know his. You can do the quiz that's on the website, or you could even order the book.

If you are scared of him being offended, just reassure him that you want to be the best wife you can be and that you know he wants to be the best husband he can be. It'll tell you a lot about yourself and make you realize what exactly is important to you. Heck, I could even quiz you and probably help you discover your love language just in a few minutes here on Reddit. It's a simple concept, but will have huge effects.

I learned my wife's love language is Quality Time. I thought us being in the same room counted as that. I soon learned that it is much more than that. She doesn't care about being in the same room, but us having trips to ourselves, going out to do something special, and giving her my full attention. Similarly, my love language is Touch. I soon taught her that not all physical contact conveys love to me, so she now knows that instead of just patting me on the back, a kiss on the cheek shows love. There are many more examples so the stuff can get complex from a simple concept.

I think the best part about Love Languages is it gives you an easier way to bring this up. Normally you would probably say, "I wish you would do this more." If you guys read through the book or take the quiz and figure out your love languages it gives you a more scholarly (ie logical) approach to what you need rather than an emotional one. Makes the conversation easier. You could also make a game out of it and just ask him the questions and tell him the outcome and what it was for after you figure it out!

u/crazyex · 8 pointsr/AskMen

Read this

IIRC it explains ways people who need admiration enjoy receiving it.

u/53920592 · 8 pointsr/exmormon

First, you're not alone. I was in my early 30's when I lost my faith and it took me 2 years to get over the depression and existential vacuum that Joe's lies left behind.

I was able to eventually work my way through it without meds or any serious counseling, but it was a grueling couple of years. Everyone has to figure out their own path, but what helped me most was reading from others who had faced the same existential vacuum and found a way to navigate it. A few titles that I would highly recommend are:

  • The Power of Now by Tolle.
  • Meditations by Marcus Aurelius. Best on audiobook.
  • Man's Search for Meaning by Frankl.
  • Man's Search for Ultimate Meaning (A follow-on of above--focus on the later chapters in this book.)
  • The Alchemist by Coelho.
  • A New Earth by Tolle.
  • A Confession by Tolstoy. Free download.
  • What I Believe, also by Tolstoy and a follow-on to the above Tolstoy book. Free download at link if you look for it.

    The above, coupled with a lot of patience, exercise, sleep, and proper diet got me through my deep existential crisis. The existentialism still shows up now and then, but it's totally manageable. Good luck to you! You'll have good days and worse days, but stick with it!--I promise it gets better!
u/SocratesTombur · 8 pointsr/UIUC

Here is some advice with a degree of seriousness.

  • Buy a high quality laptop: I bought a budget device only to regret it all the while. The price you pay for a device which is going to be ubiquitous in your college experience is a small one, if you look at the entire cost of college.

  • Really ponder about your major. I can't tell you what a small fraction of students actually know the fundamental nature of their major until well into their coursework. If you can visit campus, they have many many different books which draw up an outline of what exactly you are going to be studying. If you live nearby, try visiting the college and see for yourself the nature of the various departments. Switching majors early into college is easy.

  • Read college advice books. some would disagree here, but I see no reason is repeating the same mistakes made by thousands of college students before them. There are a thousands things that I would change about my college experience, but I did the best I could as I went in completely blind. I would recommend some books to incoming freshmen.

  1. The Freshman Survival Guide

  2. Been There, Should've Done That

  3. Procrastination was my biggest issue in college. It is only now (well after graduation) that I realize the importance of a proper system of productivity. The best book I can recommend is Getting Things Done - by David Allen. This isn't some cheesy, feel good self help book. This a solid methodology to address productivity in everyday life. If you implement the method even to a small degree, you will have an incredible amount of benefit in your college life.

  • Get yourself in shape: The college experience has a lot to do with meeting and interacting with people. Your choice of major is definitely a handicap right from the start. But you can help yourself by keeping yourself in good physical condition. And mind you, fitness is a lot more than just vanity.

  • Familiarize yourself with support systems. This applies when you get to the end of your summer. UIUC is literally filled with hundreds of departments, all of them there to help you. Be it health, academics, housing or anything else, there are people who give valuable advice. Because I went in blind, it took a while for me to find my bearing around all these support systems. The Counseling Center is an excellent resource that every freshman should make use of.

  • Thank your High School teachers: If you are amongst the group of people who had a fulfilling high school experience, make sure to thank those who made it possible. Have lunch with your favourite teacher/coach. Tell them how you are thankful for their contributions. Believe me, my mom's a teacher. It'll mean a lot to them. I know it will be hard for you to understand this, but the predominant majority of your friends from high-school will become irrelevant in you life through college. So make sure you don't forget the people who really matter like family, teachers and community leaders.

  • Learn something different: You'll have the entire 3-4 years to learn things in your major. So take time out to learn new skills, that have nothing to do with your major. Welding, dancing, painting, photography, etc. Exploring interests is something that you won't have time for later on in life. So make best use of it when you can.

  • Finally, relax! College is going to be a blast. An experience you have no idea of at the moment. So there is little point in worrying about it. Don't get all up in your head and worry about the future. You are going to fall, over and over again. But you will also learn how to pick yourself up, and that is what is going to make a real individual out of you.So savour those things which you will soon start to miss. Explore your hometown, eat at your favourite local restaurant, go on a road trip with friends, spend time with family. Enjoy!
u/JackGetsIt · 8 pointsr/TheRedPill

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fm15cmYU0IM

My two cents though is that using evernote or any online notetaking system is better. All of these systems come from the book Getting Things Done.
https://www.amazon.com/Getting-Things-Done-Stress-Free-Productivity/dp/0142000280

Here's a guide on using evernote in a more systematic way.

http://www.thesecretweapon.org/

u/FetusFeast · 8 pointsr/lifehacks

I'll describe my new system for time and info management that's been working well.

Keep a memo book and a pen in your pocket where ever you go. You could use a phone, but those run out of battery and generally take more effo
Basically information is going to be dumped on you the whole semester. You're going to forget stuff. Even if you don't forget stuff, you're going to waste time thinking about stuff that paper can remember for you. Use your memo to jot down everything you need to do, any important thought or action. Add it to a more permanent system later.

One of my memo book page might read like:

&gt; 08 / 23
buy:

  • milk bought $2.99
  • eggs
  • bread bought $1.99
    TODO: Do project 1 CS340
    Deadline: sunday
    TODO: Study Python re module
    TA Office Hours: Wed 3-4p
    Batman's number: 555-555-5555


    &gt;---
    08/24 ...

    At night, I sort and add these to a system. Random thoughts and todos go into Emacs' extension Org Mode which I've been learning and recommend highly for those unafraid of a learning curve. Most people would enter these information into something like google calendar. Things like the milk that I purchased go into a finance program. Things like the Python re module I will decide at night whether it's actually worth my time or not (you should give yourself a little time to stew before committing to anything.) Things like numbers will get added to my contact book (emacs also makes this easy). The point is, all information is collected so it's not lost, and sorted when time permits so it's found easily.

    Everyday in the morning I review my agenda (which org automatically generates. Sweet.) and sometimes I peek at it later if I think I'm forgetting something. I'm trying to get mobileorg working so I can just use that with dropbox to sync agendas on my phone.

    Another rule that goes extremely well with this so you don't write a ton of useless junk in your memo is, "If it takes two minutes, do it now."

    I'm still building this, and I'm reading through Getting Things Done at a snails pace, but a bunch of the above is based on that.

    TL;DR: Keep a memo book and pen. Write down important items so you don't forget or waste time thinking about it. Capture all information and make it easily useful.
u/SolipsistBodhisattva · 8 pointsr/philosophy

First i want to clarify that this is not a direct quote of Epictetus, it is from a book on Stoicism called A guide to the good life and it is a somewhat altered version (but more accurate i believe) of Epictetus' own "dichotomy of control". However, i think that this version better represents what Epictetus was trying to say.
The closest quote we have that relates to this is from the Enchiridion and it is as follows (note that the Enchiridion was not written by Epictetus, he never wrote anything, but compiled from notes by his pupil Arrian).

"Some things are in our control and others not. Things in our control are opinion, pursuit, desire, aversion, and, in a word, whatever are our own actions. Things not in our control are body, property, reputation, command, and, in one word, whatever are not our own actions."

Now to answer your question, Stoicism was a complex philosophy with a long history and with branches in metaphysics, ethics and logic. This illustrates one of the main ideas of the ethics of stoicism, which strove to be "free of the (negative) passions" through the use of a variety of exercises (askesis). The core of this is illustrated in the image, though of course, it is not the whole story. To see how stoics practiced these ideas, one must look at Arrians notes of Epictetus, Marcus Aurelius' meditations (a hypomnema, a type of philosophical diary was another form of stoic practice), and Seneca's letters.
Hope this helps

u/MuchWalrus · 8 pointsr/financialindependence

This one? A Guide to the Good Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy https://www.amazon.com/dp/0195374614/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_4OjrDbTCS2ZEE

u/TinkleThief · 8 pointsr/seduction

"Just stop giving a fuck" is something that gets parroted around here quite a bit. It's not bad advice, but it's a bit like telling someone who aspires to be a guitarist to just start learning guitar. It's not wrong, but it's not very useful advice on it's own.

In the context of seduction, not giving a fuck really boils down to not caring about the outcome of a given interaction, or overcoming the fear of rejection. If you think about it, if you didn't fear rejection, picking up women would be a walk in the park.

So yeah, it sounds great, but it's not something you can just decide to start doing on a whim. The fear of rejection is pretty deeply rooted in a lot of guy's minds, and the usual way to get over it is by doing. Going out there, hitting on women, getting rejected, and going through a lot of pain and discomfort.

Another option is to adopt a philosophy at a core level. That is, adopting the core belief that shit like picking up women is insignificant compared to some other big belief you have, be it spiritual or otherwise. For example, believing that your existence is a result of endless random things going perfectly right, and the very fact that you're alive is a god damn fucking miracle. You live your life in fucking AWE, thankful for every moment that you're able to breathe air and live a life. If you adopt this at a core, fundamental level in your mind, you open yourself up to endless joy, bliss, happiness, and you better believe that being rejected by a woman won't faze you in the slightest.

Obviously it takes time to get to that point, but that's essentially the philosophy of Stoicism for you. There are exercises (much like meditation, which in it's own right is extremely useful for not giving a fuck) that will help bring you to that point. If you're interested in the stoic philosophy, I would be happy to recommend some great books. This is seriously life-changing stuff, but it's not something that happens overnight.

Edit: Here are a couple great books to get started with:

  • Stoicism And The Art of Happiness

  • A Guide to the Good Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy

    I recommend reading those in order (Art of happiness first). It is a fantastic introduction and high-level overview of stoicism and introduces you to some exercises to start adopting the philosophy. A guide to the good life is also a beautiful book, but gives you a lot more history on stoicism, which isn't necessarily required, but it's extremely interesting and gives you a lot more context to the subject material.
u/psykocrime · 8 pointsr/relationship_advice

&gt; my info: im a super nerd. like i follow the pro starcraft scene and love space, science math etc. in really tall and am fairly lanky.

That's not necessarily bad... but if you want to do well with women, you'd be well served to not look the part of a "super nerd." Dress fashionably, but with a unique edge that sets your style apart from others. If you need help figuring out how to do that, hit up some of your female friends for advice, peruse GQ or Esquire or Mens Vogue, whatever.

&gt; I tend to only have crushes on best friends and my last crush was when i was 17 (different person). Ive been caled a sweet heart and get frustrated when guys are disrespectful.

Guys get like that when they are scared to break rapport with women, and the only thing they can do is try to use pure "comfort game" to get close to the girls. Unfortunately, the result - as you may have noticed - is not usually favorable. Building comfort is important, but you have to do more... if you want girls, you have to project the vibe of a confident, mature, masculine, "in control", sexual man who "gets it." The "nerdy, insecure, shy, awkward teenage geek" vibe is a lot less effective.


&gt; Ive been caled a sweet heart and get frustrated when guys are disrespectful.

You probably have both Nice Guy Syndrome and a touch of Disney Fantasy. I highly recommend you read the Dr. Robert Glover book No More Mr. Nice Guy, and the Neil Strauss book The Game. The former should help you understand more about asserting yourself, establishing boundaries, and being more authentic in your interactions with people. The latter will blow your mind in regards to understanding how men and women interact.

After that, it might not hurt to read Way of the Superior Man by Dave Deida.

Also, to disabuse yourself of the notion that women are all sweet and pure and innocent and virtuous and made of light (or sugar and spice and puppy dog tails, whatever) spend some time reading stuff like My Secret Garden by Nancy Friday, or The Good Girl's Guide to Bad Girl Sex by Barbara Keesling, or Chelsea Handler's My Horizontal Life.

Finally, read Sperm Wars by Robin Baker. That will make a great many things much clearer.

u/thirdfounder · 8 pointsr/TrueReddit

as a tool of power i think probably yes, actually, in a big way.

a lot of the Trump madness is perhaps in part a method articulated in several business/leadership/management books that owe quite a bit to Sun Tzu and Clausewitz. my favorite is Robert Greene's 48 Laws of Power. no one is going to read it -- here's a synopsis -- but if you did you'd see Trump apparently keeps this on his bedstand (if he reads; maybe audiobook?)

one of the primary principles is the use of confusion and deception, which often manifests as the appearance of ineptitude.

admittedly, if you assume Trump is a moron, accepting this requires a major reframe -- a lot of his pablum as purposeful and practiced cant, for example. and it isn't a perfect match all the way down. but read through the synopsis and see if you aren't convinced by the time you get to Law 7.

for the purposes of this comment, Law 17:

&gt;Keep others in suspended terror, cultivate an air of unpredictability

&amp;#x200B;

u/cxj · 8 pointsr/PurplePillDebate

TLDR: Your experience of musicians is shaped by their performance to you, which they know is necessary to get ahead. You are not truly an "insider" to their world, largely because its mostly a boys club. Rather, you are a resource who can only be utilized if musicians make you like them. This is why you are being told and shown the things you want to hear.

Having toured in many bands and occasionally rolled in some fairly high profile circles as well, this aligns a lot with my experiences. However, the key here is that I find your experience of these guys believable, but I am also aware there is a different reality you have not, will not, and are not supposed to experience. Touring music is largely a boys club, especially rock and hip hop. Even at the low level, musicians are performers, and part of that performance is appealing to the audience down to the micro level. That includes appealing to people like you, who would be appalled by a lot of the private conversations I'm sure the nice sweet alphas you meet have. The top musicians would not be where they are if they failed to follow one of the crucial 48 laws of Power: think as you like, but act like others. This book is massively popular within the hip hop community to the point where Roberte Greene even wrote a book about 50 cent. Greene's work, especially 48 laws, is the heart and soul of true redpill imo.

My point here is that a lot of what you are experiencing is a performance unto itself. As u/Atlas_B_Shruggin has said, artists and musicians are often "show ponies" lol.

&gt;Again, this might be just my theory, but it seems like, if you don't HATE women, like TRP does, you don't feel threatened by feminity, you also don't mind women being independent and completely liberated.

No shit, who but a liberated, "independent" woman would fuck an unshowered, unshaven, broke ass dude who lives in a van 8 months out of the year, knowing full well this will only last one night because he is constantly on the road? Also, the feminism these dudes are often encountering is the "sex positive" kind that benefits them because like you said, they are attractive and cannot meaningfully offer commitment.

&gt;All over the internet you read that "a rejection is not a rejection" and that you have to push a girl till she gives up.

Tons of band dudes have this mentality, but it doesn't mean pester an obviously uninterested girl or literally tear her clothes off. It means if you get a no, deescalate and build more comfort before trying again. Lost track of how many t imes I've had to explain this. It's really not a tough concept.

&gt;I explained I'm not interested in sex outside of a relationship, it was met with a complete understanding (and it was one of the guys of the "smoking hot rock star" type too).

A) you got lucky, this could have gone much worse
B) this guy DGAF's because he knows there's other pussy out there, he may have even gotten laid that same day before or after you.

&gt;Once you are really attractive, you don't have to use tricks to become a center of attention.

LOL performance is ALL tricks to become the center of attention. Great performers have simply internalized them one way or the other. You think a good puppeteer lets you see the strings?

&gt;As for said partners, often they are really pretty girls, but - an interesting fact - some musicians pick girls/women who are by no means considered physically attractive, but have certain achievements in their (usually artistic) field.

This happens sometimes, but those girls are almost always getting cheated on with the type of girl you think they don't want for some mind blowing reason. Their gfs are often even aware of it and don't care. Some of them even have another sidepiece, often for weird reasons like not liking to have to sleep alone while their man is on the road, which he usually is. Musicians have unspoken "open" relationships sometimes, with the dude cheating for variety of ONS and the girl having one consistent back burner dude for emotional intimacy/companionship/sex while he's gone.

&gt;I suppose once you have a confidence of a rock star, you don't feel the need to show off that you are able to get a super hot teen babe, huh?

Once again, I am truly mind blown about female projection here. Women simply cannot accept that the motivation for fucking/dating teen babes is almost purely physical pleasure and showing off is a secondary benefit if at all. Women date men to show off status, men date women to fuck a good looking body.

I've known all types of musicians. Ultimately, band dudes are the scum of the earth and should be avoided by women looking for long term commitment and a family. Yes there are exceptions, but chances are you are just enjoying the performance ;)

EDIT: One last example I'll add is the recent wave of outrage at Warped Tour pop punk bands over the last few years. A huge amount of their fan base comes from tumblr, which of course has the unspoken assumption of feminism being a part of their bands views, so of course the bands champion this cause. Then, inevitably, almost every band has a scandal of some girl leaking screen shots of some band member scamming on 15 year old smokin hot jailbait, and the scene goes berzerk as though this hasn't been par for the course on Warped Tour since its inception. The difference is the audience now has evidence of it that can spread in a viral manner, and are mad that their perception of the band was obviously inaccurate.

u/acepincter · 8 pointsr/sysadmin

Sorry buddy. I really feel for you. I do. If I were in your position I would feel like I had been so completely betrayed. And, you have.

Get yourself a copy of Robert Greene's The 48 Laws of Power so you can see firsthand how he manipulated the powers that be in to a sleepy acceptance of safety over hard fact.

Then, decide just how much of this political game you wish to play. You've been outmaneuvered. But it's not checkmate for you, no, just a check. You've learned enough IT to handle a complex task, and now you need to learn how to handle the people who might try to maneuver you out so they can take the credit.

Personally, I don't like this part of our business at all, I wish it would go away, but that expectation would require all humans to be rational. You would be wise to learn your opponent's tactics so you can employ them while simultaneously providing a value to your employer.

Sucks, but it's the reality until we have some guaranteed safety net for displaced talented workers. I encourage you to support a basic income, so that technicians wouldn't have to feel so threatened that they need to engage in political maneuvering.

u/theleifless · 8 pointsr/wow

Life is all about balance. As someone who has been through some of the same stuff, I'd suggest being open minded to addressing other areas of your relationship. When I neglected my wifes emotional needs, she blamed it on video games because thats when she felt the most alone. I know it is upsetting, but shes just telling you she wants to spend time with you. I linked an article, but the biggest thing I took from it was that divorced men had wished they went to bed with their spouses more. I make an attempt to lay down with my wife when shes ready for bed, and then get up about an hour after. Its a good opportunity to connect, read a book, talk about life. Lastly, for years I never understood how I could be in the same room with my wife and she could say things like she wanted to spend time with me. I'd recommend checking out the book I linked. Its tough sometimes to swallow our pride and read a book about relationships and shit, but I can tell you it has been 100% effective in my relationship.


https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/divorced-men-marriage-regrets_us_5b916885e4b0511db3e046de
https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X

u/seirhne · 8 pointsr/sex
  1. You're not greedy or selfish, if you're being open, communicative, and receptive to your partner's needs
  2. Who says being a slut is a bad thing??

    Perhaps you and your SO would benefit from reading the following books together: The Ethical Slut, Sex at Dawn, and Open Relationships.

    Sex at Dawn gives a great evolutionary perspective on why some of us crave multiple lovers, The Ethical Slut will make you embrace your slutdom as long as you're ethical about it (which it sounds like you are!), and though I haven't yet read Opening Up, I hear it's a great how-to guide for open relationships and communication.
u/Actualise · 8 pointsr/Stoicism

They are from the book, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom by Don Miguel Ruiz.

u/WutThEff · 8 pointsr/JUSTNOMIL

I wouldn't call it forgiveness per say, but I try to work on not taking it personally. This book is a little hokey, but it was super helpful for me. One thing that helps: Remembering that everyone creates their own reality in their heads and acts based on that own reality. So, she does this stuff because the "facts" of the world she lives in are very different than the one you live in.


That doesn't mean you have to forgive her. That doesn't mean you have to trust her. And that certainly doesn't mean she gets to do whatever TF she wants just because it's "how she is." It means you can look at her, smile and shake your head sadly, and say, "No thank you, MIL." You don't have to be angry, but you also don't have to let her get away with anything. Enforce your boundaries calmly and confidently.


Obviously this is hard AF. I'm still working on it. I still have angry days. But it's way better than being angry all the time. Love to you. &lt;3

u/donniedarko76 · 8 pointsr/TrueChristian

It sounds like your husband is an alcoholic and used the message of grace to resume drinking . Alcoholics can be very abusive and sinful. Alcohol will eventually make him miserable and completely destroy him. I know first hand. I wouldn't envy him.

I'm sorry you lost relationship but it's better for your kids and you if he's not around. I would urge you get counseling or at least reading Melodie Beattie's Codependent No More. It's a book about taking care of yourself and dealing with people like your ex-husband. God loves you and will help you through this. Keep going to church and talk to your pastor.

u/addjewelry · 8 pointsr/LetsNotMeet

Everyone involved needs to go no-contact with this beast. Every time you communicate with him you are fueling his fire by giving him the attention that he desires.

A lot of people here recommend the book The Gift of Fear. I just read it. Good stuff.

u/LavernicaDeLuca · 8 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

That mod must have been mistaken then. The ref= in Amazon links often confuse people because they assume that ref means referral but Amazon affiliate links have tag={insertcodehere}-20 in them. Also, watch out for people who use short links, they're often doing that to hide an affiliate link. If you have any doubt, strip a link back to just after the product number. So in the case of the link posted above, you'd strip it back to https://www.amazon.com/Other-Survival-Signals-Protect-Violence/dp/0440508835/

That's a plain, direct link with no tags whatsoever.

u/Luneowl · 8 pointsr/MorbidReality

There's a book called "The Gift of Fear" that has some detailed stories of how people will act instinctively in dangerous situations and how important it is to trust those survival instincts. Sounds like what you experienced. Very good book: Gift of Fear

u/hiigaran · 8 pointsr/getdisciplined

You are a procrastinator BECAUSE you are a perfectionist. Your perfectionism is misguided, you can use it as a justification to sit on your hands for long periods of time. When I was in college I would not do essays or programming projects because "I'm not sure how to do it right yet. I'll think about it more and figure it out before I start." A week later I had still done absolutely nothing.

Your procrastination is a mood repair strategy you deploy unconsciously and habitually in order to protect yourself from feeling bad about not doing your work.

My advice? Learn a little bit about Growth mindset, shame and self-compassion. You need to find a way to quiet your perfectionism first. By taking care of the perfectionism you give yourself room to practice and failure won't be as scary. At that point I would put money on the bet that your procrastination will virtually vanish.

Good books for reading to deal with that:

u/wotsthestory · 7 pointsr/NoFap

Nicely written, you've hit the nail on the head. Have you read this:

http://www.amazon.com/Guide-Good-Life-Ancient-Stoic/dp/0195374614

u/mariox19 · 7 pointsr/programming

I wish I could give this book an unqualified endorsement, but there is a small problem with it. The book, however, gives a terrific explanation of the phenomenon you're describing. It's not laziness.

Basically, there are two kinds of "mindsets." Either people believe that intelligence is what matters, that it's a fixed quantity, and that you're able to do something or not do it; or, people believe that hard work and effort is what matters.

That sounds like simple common sense, but the book does a really good job of explaining the implications of this in terms of one's own psychology.

The problem with the book is a problem it shares with lots of books out now. I think that publishers have a target page number in mind for some books, and authors who have written an excellent long essay or long article, essentially, are more or less forced to pad their work to make the target page count. You'll see criticisms to that effect in the various Amazon reviews.

I bought the book in hardcover. Like some readers, I too was a bit disappointed with the repetitiveness. Now that it's in softcover, however, I think it's definitely worth the 11 bucks. If you can find it in the library, so much the better.

Check it out. It's worth reading.

u/Kathend1 · 7 pointsr/AskMen

Tell you one I'd like to read, if I had the time or expendable income..

[12 Rules for Life: An antidote to Chaos] (https://www.amazon.com/dp/0345816021/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_EZwIAbBA6ZM81)

I'm currently half way through his YouTube lectures, although he can be hard to follow at times, and his train of thought is often branched, he speaks many very profound truths.

u/BullCityCatHerder · 7 pointsr/explainlikeimfive

The book that finally helped me was Getting Things Done. Basically for me the art of breaking a task down into well-defined tasks I can focus on for a few minutes at a time really helps.

u/______POTATOES______ · 7 pointsr/getdisciplined

I like the tips by MaryMadcap.

I think personally I'd need some combination of a bullet journal + the techniques in Getting things Done . The lack of a "tickler file" really bothers me, plus a couple other techniques in this book.

While watching the bullet journal video, I thought it was going to be like analog/digital notebook + software that automatically organizes your tasks according to your preferences on your computer given what you write in the notebook. I've been looking into this space for a while, and have been disappointed by the lack of a good set of options (at least that aren't prohibitively expensive (e.g. $200+ ) for a partial solution).

For a taste, see this Ted talk by the author.

u/cat-gun · 7 pointsr/SexWorkers

My sympathies. I've not burnt out from sex work, but I have burnt out from other kinds of work, and I've found these two books to be helpfu:

  1. Do you enjoy any of your clients? Have any regulars that you like? If so, perhaps you can limit your clients to those you get along with.

  2. Have you considered taking an extended break (assuming that's possible financially)? Maybe going for a long hike along the Appalachian trail, or working on an organic farm in Costa Rica?

  3. People who treat other people poorly have often been treated poorly themselves. Or they feel weak and powerless. As a result, they try to make themselves feel more powerful by cutting other people down. As a sex worker, you sometimes provide comfort and pleasure to people with such wounded psyche's. But their behavior not really about you, it's about the pain they feel inside. Perhaps viewing yourself as a 'psychic nurse' trying to soothe someone's internal pain will help not taking your client's bad behavior personally.
u/IronColumn · 7 pointsr/personalfinance

It's still far from a sure thing.

Leaving aside the financial aspect for a second... It's amazing how much 23andme can make you think about your mortality in a pretty stark light. It's something I've been thinking about a lot since having my genes tested and found some not so great things.

One thing that has really helped me has been developing a coherent philosophy of life. Once you put some serious thought into why you're alive and what you're looking to do, death (or dementia) seem a lot less scary. This is a great place to start if you're looking to get started on that front.

u/stanhoboken · 7 pointsr/lonely

Virtual Hug
Not sure what to say but I think that a lot of people feel the way you do. I don't think you're too old to make friends. Plenty of people out there want more friends at any age. Being fat has nothing to do with it. I'm fat. Fat people are usually very fun and nice. Open yourself up to love, love yourself and find the love in others.

This book helped me out of a depression
http://www.amazon.com/Guide-Good-Life-Ancient-Stoic/dp/0195374614

u/tryintomakesenseofit · 7 pointsr/exmormon

Over the past several years I've personally gravitated toward a blend of stoicism and "secular Christianity." I know many others go the route of secular Buddhism (Noah Rasheta, who is also an exMo runs secularbuddhism.com which you might want to check out) and others (most?) simply go the route of ethical hedonism.

I personally gravitated toward stoicism because it isn't a religion and has no real religious underpinning. Instead, it's normally referred to as just a "philosophy of life." It has worked well for me as a backfill to religion. You'll also find that different people have different views of what it means to "practice" stoicism, so it's nice in that you can kind of adapt it to fit your personal preferences.

Here are some recommendations if you want to look into it:

  • Start with this easy article for a nice overview. Then continue to read other articles on the How to be a Stoic blog. It's a great resource.

  • I'd recommend this book as well. It can be a bit long in places, but it's an easy read and gives an awesome overview.

  • Finally, you should also read Meditations by Marcus Aurelius. I have an audio version from Audible that's excellent and I enjoyed listening to it much more than reading it, but there are free copies all over the place to download and read in Kindle if you just Google it.

    Aside from stoicism, studying and learning about philosophy in general has been a huge cushion for me in dealing with the existential crisis that often follows losing belief in Mormonism. Google the Philosophize This! podcast and start at episode 1 if you're interested. It's great. I also really enjoy the Philosophy Bites podcast. Other than the above, the following were also very helpful to me in finding a approach to life without "God" and without religion:

  • The Power of Now by Tolle.

  • The Happiness Trap by Harris.

  • Man's Search for Meaning by Frankl.

  • Man's Search for Ultimate Meaning (A follow-on of above--focus on the later chapters in this book.)

  • The Alchemist by Coelho.

  • A New Earth by Tolle.

  • A Confession by Tolstoy. Free download.

  • What I Believe, also by Tolstoy and a follow-on to the above Tolstoy book. Free download at link if you look for it. Auido book here.

    All of the above combined with a few long years of figuring things out got me to a good place. But everyone's journey is different, so do what you think will work best for you...and good luck!


u/ProbablyNotPoisonous · 7 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

Why Does He Do That? is a great book exploring this very question. The short answer is that they do it because they believe they have the right to. Abusers see themselves as victims. When they blame their victims for the abuse - e.g., "Look what YOU made me do/If you had done [X] I wouldn't have to get angry/You're lucky to have me because no one else would put up with your shit/etc." - they're not just saying that; it's what they actually believe.

u/Sahqon · 7 pointsr/exchristian

Try a rock concert. You'll feel the same euphoria, no wonder it's considered evil. Also might try r/frission. Or just a video game soundtrack, those work the same way.

Problem with your feelings is not that nobody else felt them, but that we can recreate them without the religion, even with just drugs. And there's also the problem where we know for certain, that religious events are carefully organized, using well known methods, same as any worldly event, to induce those feelings. Much like Moses with the snake, religion's tricks can be recreated by worldly means. It's just carefully applied psychology.

Speaking of psychology. Try reading Why Does He Do That, it has zero mention of religion, but it might give you some insight into how it works, and why people here reacted so angrily at your (for all you knew) innocent questions.

u/reallyrunningnow · 7 pointsr/exmuslim

This might be something you should read. It explains a lot about control in a relationship.

u/Devvils · 7 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

This is tough. Your main priorities must be to reduce social isolation &amp; move away. My best suggestion is to apply for any job, move in with BF (or talk to BF's parents about the situation). Go back to college, study anything, get college friends or ask the college to help. Dont get pregnant.

Read Man's search for Meaning.

u/cowgod42 · 7 pointsr/CBT

How about mindfulness meditation? Check out /r/meditiation, and also the excellent book Mindfulness in Plain English.

u/huckingfoes · 7 pointsr/leaves

Just like to say that this book actually changed my life. He provides the ebook (pdf) for free, but I ended up buying a copy for myself and another for my friend on Amazon for around $10 each.

You definitely don't need a book to begin meditating, but if you're looking for an excellent guide and overview, this one worked for me.

u/l8blmr · 7 pointsr/getting_over_it

It helps to know that our view of the world isn't an absolute thing. It's something we create in our mind from moment to moment based on our memories and whatever's happening now. Shifting your focus away from inaccurate memories towards present experience gives you a more realistic appraisal of your situation. That's where mindfulness meditation becomes a useful tool. You can accept that you're feeling what your're feeling and still know that the reasons are subjective; you don't have to take them seriously. That's all fancy talk for you should probably start meditating. Here's a good, easy way to begin:

https://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-English-Bhante-Henepola-Gunaratana/dp/0861719069/ref=dp_ob_title_bk

u/huldumadur · 7 pointsr/Meditation

And, if you want, you can also buy a physical copy. I definitely don't regret the purchase.

u/PuffAngel · 7 pointsr/breakingmom

I hear you on so many levels. I HATE cleaning but I like a clean house. I've been doing a purge and repainting for about a year and a half. Slow steady progress because like anything else it's one step forward two steps back. Good on you for finding a list that works for you! I made a weekly schedule a long time ago. It's pinned to my fridge but I don't use it. Daily goals is the way to go. Take it easy tho you're growing a baby and nobody could fault you for doing what you can. And your husband? He's a damn champ!

And yes that negative self-talk is a bitch. My issue is with anxiety and a little depression (about being anxious mostly). This might sound crazy but what works for me is using that bitchy voice to tell my anxiety to fuck off. It's the enemy not you.

Been in counseling about four years now for this and before I even had my first appointment they recommended me this book and about a year later therapist recommended this one. They're both great in that they have those checklists you were talking about. The second one is a bit daunting. It's about as thick as a Stephen King novel but they're not meant to be read cover to cover. I skipped around finding chapters that applied to me. They're both quite helpful if you're looking to do a little "homework" on your own.

And yay for cleaner! Someday I hope to be able to have everything in order and just have someone come in to maintain the clean. One mess at a time :)

u/LouBrown · 7 pointsr/AskMen

Here's a book I'd recommend about the "five love languages" and what they mean. If you don't want to splurge for the book, I'm sure you can find enough useful information by googling.

Anyhow, the gist of the book is that people feel and experience love in different ways: gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, and physical touch. Now people generally don't exclusively feel loved via one "language" but usually one or two stand out above the others.

It definitely sounds as if your "language" of choice is words of affirmation, but that's probably not the case for him. Figure out what applies to him, and do those types of things to show him.

u/JoshuaLyman · 7 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

&gt; because she rarely said I love you in my language.

Five love languages book.

u/CircadianRadian · 7 pointsr/intj
u/sponge_cat · 7 pointsr/EstrangedAdultChild

I don't know that I've found a lot of books that specifically deal with "our" end of estrangement, unfortunately. I've been confronting my own childhood of abuse and neglect, and went no-contact with my parents/abusers earlier this year. It's been extremely painful and difficult.

I have read a lot of things that haven't been "directly" for the estrangement/no-contact, but supportive and helpful nonetheless. I'd also recommend checking out some of these subs (and associated sub "wikis") for more information, too:

u/lisatlantic · 7 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

First off, good for you for trying to overcome your own childhood trauma (and yes, emotional neglect is a trauma) and do things right for your family. I am on the same path.

This might sound really silly, but are you familiar with the kids tv show Daniel Tiger? It's a cartoon based off the old Mister Rogers show. The relationships and scenarios are a little more tidy than what you'd see in real life, but I honestly have improved my parenting by using the helpful tips and emulating the adult figures in that show.

There are several books I can think of that have helped me. I would suggest reading more than just parenting books... it's important to heal YOU. (I don't know the details of your childhood or any of the issues that affect you now, besides what you've mentioned, so some of these may not be applicable to your situation.)


http://www.amazon.com/Raising-Our-Children-Ourselves-relationships/dp/1887542329/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;amp;ie=UTF8&amp;amp;qid=1414023157&amp;amp;sr=1-1&amp;amp;keywords=raising+our+children+raising+ourselves


http://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025/ref=sr_1_sc_1?s=books&amp;amp;ie=UTF8&amp;amp;qid=1414023193&amp;amp;sr=1-1-spell&amp;amp;keywords=coependent+no+more


http://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;amp;ie=UTF8&amp;amp;qid=1414023212&amp;amp;sr=1-1&amp;amp;keywords=complex+ptsd+from+surviving+to+thriving+by+pete+walker


http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;amp;ie=UTF8&amp;amp;qid=1414023231&amp;amp;sr=1-1&amp;amp;keywords=how+to+talk+so+kids+will+listen+%26+listen+so+kids+will+talk


http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Kids-Children-Control-Their/dp/0310243157/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;amp;ie=UTF8&amp;amp;qid=1414023293&amp;amp;sr=1-1&amp;amp;keywords=boundaries+with+kids

that last one is a little heavy with the religious quotes, HOWEVER, even I as an atheist found the book excellent and applicable, and the message very very different from most Christian parenting books. So if you're religious, great, if not, this is still an extremely helpful book. They have an original version written for adults too, which I have not read.


edit: I see you've already posted at the sub I suggested.

u/you-as-well-beast · 7 pointsr/CPTSD

hi! this week is a parent's birthday as well as the first anniversary of the day i found out about my significant other's infidelity. we are still together, but i know it's going to be a rough week.

i'm doing okay right now, though. trying to be aggressively gentle with myself as i have had a roaring fire of an inner critic lately. i have plans to see my sibling tomorrow, with whom i am creating a really lovely relationship and environent of healing. also, i've been reading a book about CPTSD that has given me a constructive place to start in therapy on wednesday. the last few times i've had therapy i have felt super scattered, so i'm looking forward to talking to my therapist about a few things i've taken from the book so far.

as far as food: i have binge eating disorder. food and leaving the house to get food were sources of comfort and distraction. one of the only ways i "acted out" or had any sense of autonomy was walking or biking to rite aid, getting candy and mountain dew, and hiding the evidence. feeding myself now is a difficult thing -- i don't often cook a proper meal for myself. taking care of myself, as is common with CPTSD, is super difficult. i was left to fend for myself a lot, and as a result, cooking and cleaning up for myself is really loaded. either i go out and get something on which to binge, or i find it very difficult to eat at all, as if it takes too much effort to even microwave something. i have been really enjoying my breakfasts lately, since i started ordering dunkin online on the bus and grabbing it on the way to work. it takes a lot of pressure off of me and for whatever reason, all i want to eat right now is breakfast sandwiches. this weekend, i stayed home to watch bojack horseman and listen to the new national album, and all i did in between episodes of bojack was make breakfast sandwiches.

i'm so rambling. thanks y'all.

u/starbuckles · 7 pointsr/LifeAfterNarcissism

Ooh, this is the post I've been waiting for! I've found bibliotherapy to be very helpful in my healing.

For understanding abuse: Understanding the Borderline Mother

This NPD website

For healing yourself: Will I Ever Be Good Enough?

Adult Children of Abusive Parents





And, what you were really asking for: Full Catastrophe Living

Complex PTSD



You wrote:
&gt;Still, I can't maintain a positive or calm feeling state for more than a few minutes, I feel constant anxiety, I am easily provoked, I get easily upset or angry, and I stay upset for hours or days to come, despite all the work I've put in.

This sounds familiar. What I've learned is that it's hard to build new neural pathways when you're stuck in the old feelings of panic. Re-wiring the brain means practicing being in a state of calmness, and the more time you spend there, the easier it will be to get back. So anything that makes you feel calm, even momentarily, is something you should practice. It's ok if you can only feel it for a short time!

My therapist used to tell me, "Get yourself calm, by ANY MEANS NECESSARY!" I think he was suggesting I get high. ;-) What worked for me was to a little meditation, yoga, and spiritual practice, and a lot of locking myself in my house alone with all the blinds drawn. It was the only way I could feel safe for a long time. I wonder if all the activities you've been doing are, paradoxically, stressing you out more? Maybe giving yourself permission to do less would help?

Hope my super long post is helpful! Good luck, OP.

u/SingleFin_HeadHigh · 7 pointsr/GetMotivated
u/doomparrot42 · 7 pointsr/actuallesbians

Maybe she has a mental illness, maybe she grew up in an abusive home. Whatever the reason, horrible as it might sound, you can't help her, and trying to fix someone is frequently a great way to get trapped in an abusive relationship. It's aimed at women trying to understand abusive men, but you might want to check out Why Does He Do That. And maybe The Gift of Fear while you're at it.

u/wanttoplayball · 7 pointsr/UnresolvedMysteries

If you haven't already, read The Gift of Fear. The author talks about not ignoring those subconscious messages we get when our brains detect danger.

u/halomomma · 7 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

The Gift of Fear is a great book that talks about exactly this! People, especially women have been conditioned from childhood that politeness trumps personal comfort/interests. This is such a good book for all women, I even got the one for parents so hopefully I can teach my kids that it's more important to be safe than polite.

u/valleyvictorian · 7 pointsr/OkCupid
u/00l0000l · 7 pointsr/askwomenadvice

Attached and The Feeling Good Handbook. As she handed them to me, I just kind of thought to myself "really?" She chuckled and said to give it a try. I left her office and purchased those two books from a local bookstore around the corner from her office and they were honestly great.

u/nomorerainonmyparade · 7 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

Look for reciprocity - any relationship, romantic or platonic, will have its gives and takes. There will be problems, but you should both be willing to work it out. I used to go from 0-100 in relationships and place unrealistic expectations on others. They're not mind readers, and a lot of them don't understand the aftermath of relationships with Ns.

It's normal to be paranoid, but there are people out there who legitimately want to help and be friends. They may just think that you need to hear that you are loved and supported. Some people use "love" flippantly, some don't. It's harder to wait and see where a relationship goes and much easier to cut and run, but running because you're afraid will kill some potentially good relationships.

Ns teach their children to fear others, to fear being known, because everything will be used against you. Healthy relationships are not like that, but you do need to figure out how to identify other people's boundaries and create your own. For me, if friends said "hey, you don't need to pay rent", I'd probably make the offer to pay or chip in every couple of months or so just to be sure, or say something like "if that changes, please let me know". Ns will never "treat others how you'd like to be treated", but others will, and that might be what your friends are doing. At the same time, be aware of manipulation through fear/guilt/obligation by friends. Some know they're doing it, some don't.

These helped me:

Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life

Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life

Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You

u/napjerks · 7 pointsr/Anger

New rule: No more physical touch when you're angry. Go for a walk or just leave and cool off. Physical touch is only for showing affection.

You're right, the relationship does go both ways. She can say or do things that are provoking. But you have to remove the violence entirely.

Have a talk about you both protecting your sleep. Sleep helps with anger, anxiety, depression, everything. So share with her that getting sleep is extremely important for you and ask for her help creating a calming atmosphere when it's bedtime.

There's a book called the 5 Love Languages. It's about recognizing and learning what your partner feels is showing them love. This book talks about healthy ways.

But it can also be unhealthy. For example your partner provoked jealousy talking about texting someone else. Jealousy is obviously a huge potential trigger for anger. That's the kind of trigger that can make you go from 0 to 100 very quickly, instantly even. That's extremely bad communication for someone who is prone to anger. So your anger is justified. But you want to manage your response and not use physical touch. Instead of being violent, communicate and talk to her. Set boundaries that help set the terms of your relationship. You can ask important questions like, "If you're not committed to me, why are we even in a relationship?" You can use the format, "When you say , it makes me feel ." "When you talk about texting someone else, it makes me feel you don't love me. Do you love me?" A relationship based on jealousy isn't a healthy one and will always provoke a strong negative response from you. You have to protect yourself emotionally from a manipulative person who doesn't respect you.

We all have said things in the moment when we're fighting that we don't really mean. We mean it in the moment because we're angry. But we regret it and feel terrible later. That's because we know we can do better but have made a mistake. Saying things just to be hurtful is a mistake. She ultimately may not have meant it. The best thing we can do is learn from the mistakes and improve our communication so it brings us closer together instead of harming the relationship. There's another book, Getting Together and Staying Together that helps with this kind of relationship building. I wish I'd read it 20 years ago.

You will still get mad again. Don't beat yourself up about it. Getting mad at ourselves for getting mad makes it last that much longer. But use each incident of poor communication, each anger episode as a chance to practice managing your response when it happens. Stop talking and take a break. Literally just leave the house. Anger is a natural response. But we want to keep our reaction and level of anger matched to the situation. We don't want to let it run loose and become overblown. Use your own body language, how loud you are talking, tone of voice, cursing, etc., as a guide to how angry you are. Just pay attention to your speaking volume and level of agitation and use it to help identify when you need to take a break.

There's no shame in taking a pause. It's actually the most respectful thing you can do for your partner, to not transmit all that anger to them and allow them to maintain their own emotional levels, to control their own level of feelings. If she tends to blast you with emotions too, this is definitely something to have a talk about. "I want us to work on lowering our anger and frustration at each other. Can we do this together? We need to talk and share so we both get what we want and to keep building our relationship. But without using anger." Using an anger scale of 1-10 can help accurately describe where you are at the moment. "You seem mad, are you at a 5 or more like an 8?" Help each other identify what makes you mad and what doesn't so you can work on the right things together.

When talking through important things, take a break when you get agitated. Cool off. Then come back to it. You can take a break this way, tabling the conversation, and then returning to it as many times as you need to get through important discussions. Let's talk about this again after lunch (or after dinner, or tomorrow). The amount of time needed to cool off and reflect by ourselves is up to us. The goal though is to always come back and keep working on issues until they are resolved enough so both partners needs are met and feelings are acknowledged. That's why there can't be a "winner" in an argument. When there's a winner, there's a loser. And there needs to be understanding on both sides.

So an important part of being in a relationship is to not worry about being right all the time. Of course there will be values that are important to you. Don't let go of your values. But for most things, don't worry about being right. Let your partner be right just to see what it feels like. We each have our own perspective. And that's often what draws us to a person in the beginning. So we want to keep letting that person share their perspective. Without being overbearing and not letting them share what's important to them too. A relationship is 50/50 sharing and letting them have their opinion too, just like we have ours. Couples therapy is an option if you feel it will help. Improving communication always improves the relationship and couples counseling can help in that area. Hope some of this helps. Take care of yourself and hang in there!

u/rbegirliegirl · 7 pointsr/financialindependence

&gt; It's my love language, as stupid as that is.

I don't think that's stupid at all. That book is one of my favorites of all time. I've found it super useful in many of my relationships. (And as an aside, because I'm not really sure what my son's language is, I try to make sure I'm hitting them all!)

u/madpiratebippy · 7 pointsr/JUSTNOMIL

https://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553381407

It's also the first google result if you look for Toxic Parents. I can never remember the author's name.

u/Triadis3 · 7 pointsr/TheRedPill

"Time to start Dread gaming all the leeches i've been hounding to meet up,"

No.

Dread game only works on women who have already invested something into you... they can't "dread" losing you if they're never had any investment in the first place.

Flip the situation to see how this is... So there's this landwhale friend of your sister who has wanted to fuck you for years. She's repellent, smelly with cigarette breath and fat roll sweat so you've kept your distance. She finally gets the nerve to come up and tell you she wants to be with you. What do you say?

"Oh Hell No!"

But what if she says,"If you don't fuck me right now I'm leaving and you'll never see me again!"

Does that change your answer? Dread didn't work.

Second, you're falling into the same scarcity mentality that's kept you back for so long... The "leeches" are dead to you. Starting now.
Any woman you've been orbiting, been friends with, done anything remotely creepy to... all are now OFF LIMITS to you. You will only concern yourself with new women.

Why? because the ones you know already have this image of what kind of guy you really are in their pretty little heads.(Rhymes with "feta more bitter") You can't change this image without a massive amount of work and time. Work and time you shouldn't be putting into trying to change the mind of some girl you wanted to fuck 2 years ago but she wasn't interested. Guess what, she's still not interested. Wasting your time.

Her loss. Go be awesome with someone who actually wants to fuck you at the initial meeting.

The Game is a bit dated now (published 2005), a lot of the techniques are well known even to women("neg" much?) so while it remains a tool, it really shouldn't be the only one in your toolbox.

Welcome to the rabbit hole.

u/Tangurena · 7 pointsr/AskReddit

There are a number of books that I think you ought to read to get a better understanding of office politics and how to cope/deal with them. All offices have politicking going on, and any company that claims otherwise is lying to you. Any time more than 2 people get together, there will be some sort of jostling for power and attention. When that happens at work, we call it "office politics".

Your library may have these, and if you get them, read them at home. Don't ever bring them into the office.

Corporate Confidential. HR is your enemy, not your friend. Gives a number of examples of what will destroy your career with companies, many of which you (and I) probably do without realizing the consequences.

The Passionate Programmer. The first edition of this book was called "my job went to India". While aimed at programmers, the points are to keep your mind and skills up to date as technology and business move too rapidly to let things get rusty.

To Be or Not to Be Intimidated.
Looking out for number one.
Million Dollar Habits. I feel that these 3 by Robert Ringer are very important. If you think his first book was about to intimidate others, you only read the press coverage. If you think his books are about real estate, then you only skimmed them. There are a lot of people in the world who will try to intimidate you into giving up what is yours, and he shows you what some of them are like, and what countermeasures you can use.

The Art of Deception. Bad title - it is about arguments, how to make them, win them and tell if you're hearing a bad one. Used to be called "rhetoric" when Plato and Aristotle taught the subject.

Snakes in Suits. There are some evil people out there. You'll work for some of them. You will be stabbed in the back by some of them.

Bullies, Tyrants, and Impossible People. One book on office politics and dealing with some of the worse sort.

The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense at Work. Some folks are very good with verbal manipulation, this book and the others in the series, cover how to deal with such people.

Winning with People. Most of the books this author writes are about managers and leadership. This book is more about people skills. It will be focused more at managers, but I think it is a good one.

The 48 Laws of Power. They have it. You want some. Light read with anecdotes. I like his other books as well.

Games At Work. Office politics.

It's All Politics. Yes it is.

Moral Politics. Liberals and conservatives, why do they think that way? You'll work with some of the opposite persuasion some day, so understanding where they come from is a reasonable idea. Most books on this subject are insulting and degrading, but I think this one is pretty much judgement-free.

&gt; When I walk by him going to the bathroom, he will stop talking until I walk by.

Do the same. When they come to your desk, always brush them aside with "I'm sorry, I can't talk now, I'm busy working".

u/favours_of_the_moon · 7 pointsr/asktrp

48 Laws of Power. Or as I call it, "The Pedantic Sociopath." lol

Short version:
http://cgt411.tech.purdue.edu/covey/48_laws_of_power.htm

Full version:
http://www.amazon.com/The-Laws-Power-Robert-Greene/dp/0140280197

I think this might be the full version in PDF, but I'm not sure:
https://archive.org/details/pdfy-5tT5K_Bq4yydcE4V

u/-Tyler_Durden- · 7 pointsr/asktrp

Read the 48 Laws of Power.

This is your work place; you shouldn't be looking for plates there. Think how you can use this guy to accomplish your goals. Ask him for favors you don't really need. Get him bogged down with your busy work. And whatever you do, don't get angry.

u/dJe781 · 7 pointsr/everymanshouldknow

The 48 Laws of Power because everyone will, at some point, be involved in power-centered relationships, would it be personal or professional.

I work in a high-conflict-prone environment and this is the single most useful peace of literature that I own.

It's very easy to read, it's based on historical anecdotes (that always come in handy when you need to tell a story), and it's self-critical.

u/RazzleThemAll · 7 pointsr/relationships

[This] (http://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025) might help you make the first few steps that are so difficult

u/kalechipsyes · 7 pointsr/raisedbyborderlines

You very clearly need a break.

You may end up facing charges if she chooses to file. That cannot be helped at this point.

But, none of this changes the fact that you got there through severe abuse, and need to get out. Let this be a wake-up call. Don't let yourself get driven to this point again.

Find some way to detach. Find an outlet for the anger. Find an outlet for the sadness, and someone to hear your story. Begin detaching the hooks she has in you and allow yourself to focus your life on finding peace, in whatever form it comes. Likely, you need NC if things are this bad.

You can take responsibility for something that you did that was wrong, while still also being the victim of something, yourself. That's allowed, and does not reduce either. Things are not black-and-white in the real world. But, you need to take responsibility for your own needs and feelings, and learn to fulfill them in a healthy way, if you are ever going to heal - that means getting the help that you need and breaking that drama triangle, even if that requires physically removing yourself from the situation.

Just remember, always:

You are, fundamentally, good.

(edit: added another link).

u/Richelieu1622 · 7 pointsr/AskGayMen

Actually if he’s not meeting your needs and does nothing about it, that is taking you for granted. His feelings about his body image is not your concern b/c you are his partner not his therapist. If he’s sick, is he seeking help? If not then once again doing nothing is not the answer unless you’re OK with the status quo. Also, the notion that leaving a relationship is not a course of action is quite naive and dangerous. Sometimes you must quit for your own safety and health, mental and physical. I recommend this book b/c from the sounds of it you need to read it immediately. You are young so you have much to learn. Best of luck to you. https://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025

u/uniformdiscord · 7 pointsr/Codependency

This definitely speaks to me, I know the feeling you're talking about.

One thing I can suggest is trying to practice awareness. I can imagine right now when you're freaking out about him not texting you for 10 minutes, or whatever it is, you feel stupid or bad in addition to the anxiety you're feeling. You probably start beating yourself up for feeling the way you feel. Try not to do that. Rather, just allow yourself to feel what you feel, and observe it. Try to rest in it. "Hmmm, I'm incredibly anxious right now. Why am I anxious? I think it's because of my boyfriend not texting me (or whatever). Why is that causing me anxiety? I think I'm starting to imagine all kinds of dark scenarios like him cheating on me. I know that's probably not happening, and him not texting me is not a reasonable indication of that anyway. This anxiety is really about my own insecurities and need to control. Ok. Let's just let this go on for as long as it does, and observe it." That kind of thing.

Just remember that this particular behavior is only a symptom of your larger disfunction and unhealthy behavior towards relationships.

Are you religious, spiritual, or have a belief in any kind of higher power? If you have any sense of that, something that's really been helping me when I have reactions and unhealthy obsessions like this is to stop, recognize it, and then ask God (as I know Him) to come into that moment and feeling with me and to let me feel His love for me. I don't try to not feel it, I just accept it. I also don't beat myself up for feeling that way.

Some resources:

Codependents Anonymous website, a 12 step recovery program for people who want the ability to have healthy relationships with others.

Codependent No More, a great book.

Good luck!

Edit: don't know why that link isn't working...

u/ginger_beer_m · 7 pointsr/IWantOut

Education is your way out. The typical way to get out for young Indonesian is through education, but that means you need to be either rich (to pay for outrageous tuition fee / living cost abroad) or smart (to qualify for scholarships). Are you?

An alternative way out is through working on in-demands jobs. For instance, you can gain several years of working experience in IT in indo and then try to apply for openings abroad (Singapore is often the first step). However at the moment, the UK is a closed doors for non-EU people who want to come here to work in hope of a residency, so don't bother... Other countries in Europe that you can consider is Germany, where it's still possible to get a sponsored job visa if you're good.

A final point is: indo is actually isn't that bad. True there are shits going on with a small group of religious extremism, but things are actually getting better, with changes since the reformasi in 98 and people like jokowi+ahok on the lead. Indonedians are largely friendly everywhere, the society is relaxed, the weather is nice nearly everyday of the year, food is good, a lot of nature places to visit in the country alone (and can easily fly to south east Asia and the rest of Asia too), we have a decent economic growth (compared to the stagnant West) .. I guess my point is, if you fail to get out, it's actually quite a good place to be stuck in for now (especially if you can write in English and post on reddit, that usually assumes you come from middle-to-upper socioeconomic background, alongside its associated conveniences in life that you might have to give up when you get out).

Of course don't just take my words for it. For most people you actually have to get out first to realise how good we have it in Indonesia. So by all means, try to get out but don't be surprised that eventually you'd want to return. That's what I plan to do after being away for more than half of my life now. Plus maybe it's my idealism speaking but the country needs people like us, the smartest anak bangsa who leave due to the brain drain. It's only lately I'm seeing more and more people around me who reverses this trend and actually go back to indo after spending years abroad. I think it'd a positive sign that the country is doing something right.

Edit: for a more concrete advice on how to prepare to get out, basically read this book: https://www.amazon.com/Good-They-Cant-Ignore-You/dp/1455509124. Get really good in something that is in demands, and you can usually move anywhere you want in the world. For me, it's computer science. For you, it might be something else.

Edit2: you might also find that as you get older, you can compromise on the atheism vs religious bit. A lot of people put their religions on KTP only, but doesn't mean they actually have to practice that. Or you can simply move to the right neighbourhood in Jakarta where nobody gives a fuck what your religion is.

u/Cottontail_ · 7 pointsr/polyamory

Ugh. There is a reason we say "ethical non-monogamy". Cheating, not telling you, then thrusting you into an open marriage when it's not what you want is totally unethical and a super duper jerk move in my book.

I feel for you. And I can be empathetic towards her. Perhaps she only recently has come to accept that she isn't heterosexual, maybe she's dealt with a lot of sex and slut shaming growing up, and she hasn't been honest with her emotions. And I can see a reality where she just kinda exploded in a messy way and didn't know how to navigate this lovingly in a way that made you feel safe.

The way that this came up is completely devastating and you are valid to have your hurts, loss of trust, and fears.

But I still wanna smack the back of her hands. Bad wife, bad!

That being said...

There are a number of ways for you guys to explore non-monogamy if you'd like. Swinging, "open while traveling", poly, etc. She did open the door the for you guys to communicate about what you want and how to grow together, and that is awesome.

You may want to read

u/ephrion · 7 pointsr/sex

Non-monogamy is a totally viable way to have a long lasting, loving, trusting, safe, healthy, etc. relationship. MoreThanTwo is a great website with a lot of articles on doing polyamory well. If that's something you want to explore, you should also try and read The Ethical Slut (this is widely recommended in the poly community), Opening Up (has a lot more practical advice than Ethical Slut), and lastly, feel free to join us on /r/polyamory.

Doing polyamory right requires a lot of communication skills and introspection ability. However, if you learn how to do all this, you'll be even more well equipped to navigate monogamy!

With all that said, people change a lot when they're young. Who I was at 17 was fairly different from who I was at 19, and the difference was even more dramatic compared to me at 21. And myself at 24 is unimaginably different from all of them! So while it is possible that you and your boyfriend could grow together, you also might grow apart. Cherish the time you have now, and allow yourselves to grow as fits best for each other.

u/Veeks · 7 pointsr/polyamory

First and foremost, monogamy does not mean you will not feel desire for other women. You will always feel desire for other women - monogamy is the choice to not act on those desires.

That said, if you're thinking of looking into non-monogamy, that's awesome. Especially since you know it would make your girlfriend happy. Some recommended reading: Opening Up and The Ethical Slut. Also, give the Savage Lovecast a listen.

Think hard about how you cope with jealousy - then talk to your girlfriend about it. Think hard about how you'd manage your time - then talk to your girlfriend about it. Talk about what boundaries the two of you would have - can you have other relationships, or just sex outside the relationship? Find the guidelines and compromises that work for you two. Be willing to rework them once you try it and see what works and what doesn't for you two.

Do what makes you happy, and make sure your girlfriend is happy too. That's the bottom line.

u/ouchyouwentthere · 7 pointsr/Drugs
u/South_in_AZ · 7 pointsr/BDSMcommunity

from your description it sounds like the two of you are working well together in a health way with open communications, recognize that and give yourself a ton of positive recognition and credit!!!

Have you considered, metaphorically, that by focusing on the dominant aspects you might be treating a symptom and not the disease?

Your post can be interpreted as you having a better relationship with your partner than you do with yourself. Are you taking steps to develop a better relationship with yourself?

I have some elements of similarity in my personal history as it seems you have. In my journey I discovered they were impacting how I lived my life, how I related to others, and how they impacted my intimate relationships. In working on developing a healthier relationship with myself, I have open up having healthier relationships with others, especially intimate partners that include approaches to being the authority figure in my most intimate relationships.

If you enjoy reading I’d suggest considering “Your Erroneous Zones” and either “The Four Agreements” or, as some reviews say to read if you haven’t read The Four Agreements, “The Fifth Agreementt”.

These may help you be a better you for your children, your partner, and yourself.
Good luck in your journey!!

u/BUTTSTALL1ON · 6 pointsr/askgaybros

Relax a bit. Stop worrying and start talking.

Yes, this sort of relationship (called a "triad") can work out in the long-term. One thing that folks seem to forget is that it's not just a three-way relationship: there are actually four relationships going on here.

  1. You + boyfriend
  2. You + new guy
  3. Boyfriend + new guy
  4. You + boyfriend + new guy

    And you have to think about all three of those. The most important question is do you actually want this?

    I'm at work so I don't have much time at the moment, but I HIGHLY recommend that you all read Tristan Taormino's Opening Up. It's a great resource for newly open relationships.
u/antagonisticjam · 6 pointsr/relationships

Honestly, a lot of these replies seem to be simplifying a very complex issue. Don't take that too personally, it's very easy to stand on the sideline and shout what seems obvious.


Open relationships aren't easy. It takes a ton of trust, mistakes, fixing those mistakes, baby steps, boundary pushing, etc. You've never done this before; he's been doing it for what sounds like a long time. Of course you're unsure and scared! Of course you have negative reactions along with some hesitant positive ones! That's totally fucking normal, miss. If you think this guy is worth it, and he's been completely honest and up front this whole time, I think it's worth a shot. He'll have to work with you and go slow and be patient, but if he thinks you're worth that effort, he will make it.


Read "The Ethical Slut" by Dossie Easton, and check out "Opening Up as well. I've found both of those to be really helpful in giving reassurance, advice, and teaching new ways to think about your relationship and to communicate with your partner.


I've been in open relationships and exclusive ones, and I've been in closed relationships that opened up for the better and visa versa. There's really no sure outcome of this, but if you both think the other is worth expanding your worldview and trying new (scary, but also trust me it can be incredibly rewarding) ways of being in love and being together... it can turn out really well. Good luck whatever you end up deciding!

u/GutterMaiden · 6 pointsr/polyamory

I began identifying as being poly when I realized that, when I try it, monogamy simply does not work for me, and ... strangely, the relationships that do work for me, are with other people who are interested in a poly or poly like relationship dynamic. This doesn't mean when I meet people I think are cute I ask them about being poly and that effects whether or not I want to date them, it just happens to be that I meet people who are I think are cute and we start dating and then they talk to me about being poly. I guess I just have good polydar?

To me, being poly is really fucking hard, but being monogamous is even harder.

When I was in highschool, I had a huge crush on a girl, who had a crush on me. Then I met a boy, who I developed a huge crush on, who also had a crush on me, and also had a crush on the girl I had a crush on. The solution seemed so obvious to me, I couldn't understand how no one else could see it. Nothing came of this because I was a big wuss in high school.

This girl sounds like kind of a jerk, but I think you know that, You should read Opening Up and The Ethical Slut.

Some types of polyamory don't work for some people. For example, I loath being a part of a hierarchy, no matter where I am on the totem pole - but it makes sense when one couple has children together or life goals. I would never get involved in that at this point in my life. In my past relationship, I felt secure knowing my partner loved me in a completely different way than her other partner, I valued the type of love she had for me more than the type of love she had for her other partner, but I didn't need or want her to rate it.

u/dunimal · 6 pointsr/relationships

Let's get the first thing straight: there was no assault, and from your description, he was drunk, she was drunk, he made moves on her, she shot him down, and he stopped. That is not sexual assault. Classifying it as such is a way you can justify your negative feelings towards this guy, but you are doing things a disservice by approaching the issue as such.

Next, I can tell you, as a bi man in an open marriage with a bi woman, poly, open arrangements, and other alternatives to monogamy don't work unless both parties are on board. If that is the case, both need to be educated and dedicated: educated on alternatives to monogamy and how to best institute them in the relationship, and dedicated to open communication, honoring the primary partnership, and respecting their partner/s.

In my past experience, it's very difficult to go from mono to poly or open arrangements. There's usually too much past stuff to get through that ends up projected onto the new relationship, and often times, one partner wants it more than the other. For me personally, as someone wo is not poly but is also nonmonogamous, the best relationships I have had have been when the relationship began as an open arrangement.

If you want to begin looking at poly/open/w/e options start reading and researching. Get a couples counselor. Learn how to communicate in new ways. BUT, I have to say, the way that this has been broached in your life is not the best way to get there. Tell her if she is seriously wanting to be poly, you require these things. After a month of research and meeting with a couples counselor, reconvene on the issue. If it's something you both want, then move forward. If not, time to move on.

Required reading:
http://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;amp;qid=1310242671&amp;amp;sr=8-1
A great book to get started with, and refer back to.


http://www.amazon.com/Redefining-Our-Relationships-Guidelines-Responsible/dp/1587900157/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;amp;qid=1310242969&amp;amp;sr=8-1
Great little book.


http://www.amazon.com/Pagan-Polyamory-Becoming-Tribe-Hearts/dp/0738707627/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&amp;amp;qid=1310242671&amp;amp;sr=8-5
This book is heavy on the woo woo, new age shit, but these people have a lot of good info, if you can separate it from the enya bullshit.

http://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut-Practical-Relationships-Adventures/dp/1587613379/ref=sr_1_8?ie=UTF8&amp;amp;qid=1310242671&amp;amp;sr=8-8
Basically, the bible of open relationships for newbs.

http://www.amazon.com/Polyamory-Roadmaps-Clueless-Anthony-Ravenscroft/dp/1890109533/ref=sr_1_16?ie=UTF8&amp;amp;qid=1310242671&amp;amp;sr=8-16
Decent

u/not_margaret · 6 pointsr/polyamory

The Ethical Slut is helpful, but if you'd like to open an existing relationship, Opening Up is much more helpful, in my opinion.

u/philosarapter · 6 pointsr/howtonotgiveafuck

Another good book that talks about this is The Four Agreements

One of the agreements is to accept that "Nothing is personal: No matter what anyone says or does to you... Nothing is personal. All of it is a reflection of their internal struggle and has very little to do with you as a person."

I find this helpful to consider when the opinions of others gets you down.

u/TheOtherSantini · 6 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

I found &amp; read the book The Four Agreements.

I found it quite profound, and have already had some success with it helping me to grow away from all this anger and resentment, which has also helped our interactions somewhat.

I've also come to the realization that I need to tell her that I am releasing her from the burden of making me happy. So, sometime this week, I'm going to let her know that she is no longer responsible at all for my happiness. Hopefully, she'll take advantage of that to work on herself and thus improve our relationship.

It doesn't seem like much, but it's just one step of a hundred or more. Worse case, it makes it easier for me to implement my deadline and being able to walk away without any second guessing.

u/acbain · 6 pointsr/exjw

Welcome back to your Free Mind. It was taken from you shortly after birth, but you were born atheist, and the people around you convinced you otherwise.

You’re now in a position to read and appreciate The Four Agreements.

The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom (A Toltec Wisdom Book)

u/mr_bacon_pants · 6 pointsr/vegan

It's $5 used on amazon.

u/TheBigCalm · 6 pointsr/careerguidance

https://www.amazon.ca/Good-They-Cant-Ignore-You/dp/1455509124

Read this book before you do anything rash- he offers a framework/perspective you might find helpful.

It's always hard to tell whether we are thinking "this is hard I want to stop because it's hard even though its making me grow" VS. "this path is legitimately pointless and not going to lead me to where I want to go with my life".

Pretty sure everyone deals with this kind of doubt- especially when you're really challenging yourself. Which is OFTEN a good sign, it means you're outside of your comfort zone which is where growth happens.

I'm just saying step 1 is figure out if this is just edginess due to perfectly normal feelings of inferiority (I'm not good enough/this is easy to everyone else) The first sentence of your post makes it pretty clear you're AT THE VERY LEAST adequate. "3rd year PHd student at a large research university..." I would bet on you being fairly capable, hardworking/intelligent. just a hunch. :)

The idea of "quitting" is seductive because there's no reality there- it's a pure concept that exists in our heads, a fantasy we construct when facing a difficult reality. This is a normal human reaction- you are normal.

TLDR; It's super healthy and normal for these kinds of doubts to come up. Also, even the most meaningful work is often difficult, boring, demanding and stressful- that's true in any field. But if you hate yoga and believe it's useless you shouldn't be working in a yoga studio. And if you have some other ability/skill that will meaningfully contribute to the world (WHILE GETTING YOU PAID) then it might be worth exploring that option first- before throwing away all your hard work.

Sounds like your attitude towards work has taken a hit and you need to realign yourself with YOUR purpose and motivation that doesn't involve rewards such as the approval of a parent.

u/rocks95 · 6 pointsr/GetStudying

Yeah, it's really liberating to know that you can do anything you set your mind to... And that it's ok not to know your passion immediately!

My favorite books on this topic:

So Good They Can't Ignore You by Cal Newport
and
Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell


For online business, I love these peoples' sites:

u/bertrand- · 6 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

I started my journey three years ago.

Personally, I went the route of total overkill of C-PTSD. Nothing left for chance. This included (and partially still includes) cognitive-behavioral therapy (check reframing, it's basically the same method used but in a bit different context in NLP), medication (in my case mirtazapine and bupropion, works on all three neurotransmitters at the same time as I have treatment-resistant depression), psychoeducation, meditation, gym, eating better, sleeping better and gaining confidence by forcing myself to socialize with people and having healthy relationships by getting to know social psychology. Last and definitely not least, the validation from this support group that has been this forum. Generally put, getting into the self-development hobby is hugely beneficial.

Of all the books that I have read, this https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842 has been immensely helpful. I think that if one had to read only one book of ever about C-PTSD, this is it. It just includes everything.

These have so far helped with generalized anxiety disorder, major depression and social anxiety. I feel overall less shame, guilt and fear in my life. I have a lot better self-esteem. I do still get triggered at times, but overall I feel a lot better compared how I was three years ago. When I look myself back years ago, I literally wonder how I could keep living with the thoughts and emotions I had on daily basis. I still though have a lot of work ahead. For example, alcoholism, depersonalization and derealization and perfectionism are things that I have not yet given enough consideration to work towards, as I don't yet feel ready to it. But everything has it's time and place.

u/Alvarogom · 6 pointsr/BPDlovedones

Here is a nice video, with more symptoms besides the ones you mentioned. And here is a great book by Pete Walker. Just some material that could be interesting to further explore the subject. Trauma is a bitch.

u/crushedviolet · 6 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

I agree, it's an excellent book. It deals very comprehensively with the global trauma epidemic and is quite academic in style. The symptoms really just point to causes, that too often individuals, families, society, parents and the media wish to avoid or deny.

&amp;#x200B;

Shannon Thomas' (social worker) discusses the concealed nature of narcissistic abuse in 'Healing from Hidden Abuse' (cover quote) :

‘Psychological abuse leaves no bruises. There are no broken bones. There are no holes in the walls. The bruises, brokenness and holes are held tightly within the target of the abuse’.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Healing-Hidden-Abuse-Recovery-Psychological-ebook/dp/B01JR4ST9S

&amp;#x200B;

Also check out:

Dr Judy Rosenberg's YouTube channel - Dr Judy WTF (What the Freud!) is rich resource for those wishing to understand and heal from narcissistic abuse. Dr Judy hosts a weekly online radio show. Check it out:

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCOJvZ0gxCu_G5ufZjsI3TCw/videos

Before healing can happen we firstly need to shine light on our wounds and understand their cause.

And her book: Be The Cause: Healing Human Disconnect - Dr Judy Rosenberg

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Be-Cause-Healing-Human-Disconnect/dp/1514793032

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&amp;#x200B;

+

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POWER: Surviving and Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse: A Collection of Essays on Malignant Narcissism and Recovery from Emotional Abuse By Shahida Arabi.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/POWER-Surviving-Narcissistic-Collection-Narcissism/dp/1945796324

&amp;#x200B;

+

&amp;#x200B;

Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A GUIDE AND MAP FOR RECOVERING FROM CHILDHOOD TRAUMA by Pete Walker is a book that helped me make sense of my past and its impact on me.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=complex+ptsd+walker&amp;qid=1558114813&amp;s=books&amp;sr=1-1

&amp;#x200B;

The Tao of Fully Feeling: Harvesting Forgiveness out of Blame also by Pete Walker

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Tao-Fully-Feeling-Harvesting-Forgiveness-ebook/dp/B017I3NRRO/ref=pd_cp_351_3/262-3610686-0428419?_encoding=UTF8&amp;pd_rd_i=B017I3NRRO&amp;pd_rd_r=eed98e8c-78cb-11e9-9794-6b186da2a7c7&amp;pd_rd_w=NVyx0&amp;pd_rd_wg=PxcGS&amp;pf_rd_p=01704ebe-a86a-4b47-8c36-0f9f5bbc2882&amp;pf_rd_r=2749HYE9SAVA0ZTDQQ5E&amp;psc=1&amp;refRID=2749HYE9SAVA0ZTDQQ5E

+

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Close Encounters of the Worst Kind: The Narcissistic Abuse Survivor's Guide to Healing and Recovery.

&amp;#x200B;

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Close-Encounters-Worst-Kind-Narcissistic/dp/1973915626/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=close+encounters+of+the+worst+kind&amp;qid=1558114864&amp;s=books&amp;sr=1-1-catcorr

&amp;#x200B;

Waking up from the trauma that is narcissistic abuse can feel lonely but there are literally millions of us! You're not alone. Happy healing. 😀

u/Mamma_Midnight · 6 pointsr/GenderCritical

WELL DONE FOR GETTING THE JOB! And WELL DONE for making it through the first days: a new job is always difficult as you adjust, but you have more adjustment than 'normal'. Remember: you're doing brilliantly! You've come through addiction &amp; escaped the sex trade: give yourself the credit you deserve.

I was in an abusive realtionship for about 6 years. Escaped. Into another one where I nearly got killed. Never got any help. Mental health services don't really focus on trauma in the UK. They want to talk about my patterns of behaviour in relationships instead of healing the wounds. I'm done talking about how I feel, I want to fix myself &amp; be able to have a life, instead of this half life I now have.

I can't afford private therapy, &amp; there's virtually no local MH provision on the NHS. I spoke to a psychologist who's a feminist &amp; specialises in trauma focused care - she reccomended the following 3 texts to help me:

8 Keys to Safe Trauma Recovery (Rothschild, 2010)

Trauma and Recovery (Herman, 2015)

Complex PTSD (Walker, 2013)

They might be useful for you too?

Take care of yourself - you deserve it.

u/Flimflamdoorslam · 6 pointsr/KotakuInAction

You might want to look into CPTSD. It's exceptionally common in people who have experienced severe trauma early in life, and I've recently made major headway in my own struggles after getting my hands on a book by Pete Walker called Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving.

My big issue is I was still severely codependent after a childhood of being parentified by a narcissistic father and a codependent mother, and the information I found there has helped me finally make some headway on that and process it in a healthy way.

I don't know if that suggestion will help, but I wish you all the best regardless. Here's an Amazon link for the book. I'm not an affiliate or anything, I just made a new account because this comment thread hit really close to home.

u/under_the_pressure · 6 pointsr/Meditation

You may have C-PTSD and as a sufferer of this, I would highly recommendThe Body Keeps the Score and Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving. Pete Walker's website is also a good, free reference. I have been fortunate to have access to a great counselor as a grad student and have recently gotten into the C-PTSD work, and meditation (mindfulness of breath and body scans) is an essential tool for my recovery.

u/eaten_by_the_grue · 6 pointsr/JUSTNOMIL

If FSIL is interested in having a book to read and work through with his therapist, I can recommend this one for sure. I've used it myself and it was very eye opening and reassuring. I've seen this other one around but haven't read it yet.

It sounds like you've got all your bases covered. Silver lining from your stalker experience I guess... if such a thing could be had.

Stay safe!

u/ComplexFUBAR · 6 pointsr/CPTSD

I like Pete Walker's book [Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving] (https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1492871842/ref=mp_s_a_1_1_twi_pap_2?ie=UTF8&amp;amp;qid=1497039153&amp;amp;sr=8-1&amp;amp;keywords=from+surviving+to+thriving) If you have Kindle Unlimited, it's free.
My husband and I purchased 2 copies so we could read it simultaneously. It's helping him better understand me.

u/sethra007 · 6 pointsr/childfree

&gt; She says they've been doing counseling together and that his attitudes have changed, but I'm not sure I buy it.

You're instincts are correct.

Abusers can't be trusted to be honest in therapy. If anything, they tend to go to therapy so they can learn the therapeutic language needed to paint themselves as misunderstood people trying to recover from the addiction/an ugly childhood/etc. that drives their abusive behavior against their partner. Learning this language allows abusers to manipulate their partner, any therapists, and law enforcement.

We talk a lot about parental entitlement on this sub. Abusers feel entitled, too: they feel completely justified in abusing their partners. It tends to be something they learn as small children, seeing one parent abuse another, and they grow up believing that they have the right to abuse. Read through this PDF of a presentation to learn more.

source: Lundy Bancroft's seminal work Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. I do suggest you read Bancroft's book; it's excellent, and it really give you insight into how abusers think.

&gt; should I tell her how I feel, should I just ghost out? Please advise.

If I've understood your post, you've already told her how you feel. She's chosen to disregard your concerns.

If you decide to say "Not my pig, not my farm" and ghost her, no one will blame you. She's doesn't realize how far gone she is yet, and it's going to get worse before it ever gets better.

If you still want to try to help her: is let her know that you're there for her when she's ready to leave, and slowly back away. Go to a "low contact" status with her--don't cut her off completely, but keep her at arm's length. Refuse to talk about her SO with her, saying things like "Well, you know I'm not his biggest fan", and then change the subject.

The trick here is to be available for her while not pushing her away. You know and I know how these situations tend to end, but right now she can't see it. She probably won't see it until things get really, really bad.

You have to decide if you can be the friend she can call when it all goes to Hell and she and her children need a quick getaway and a place to stay.

Good luck. It's painful to watch a friend go into an abusive relationship, and not see the signs that can be so obvious to the rest of us.

u/allusium · 6 pointsr/BPDlovedones

I’m so sorry that he treated you this way. You didn’t deserve it, no one does.

My therapist recommended that I read this book to understand more about the abuse that my person dished out and the particular tactics that she used to control me. If you Google it, you can find free copies to download.

I hope you’re able to find peace and healing.

u/Annemi · 6 pointsr/relationship_advice

Your daughter does not need and will not benefit from a father who abuses her mother. She will instead learn that it's OK for men to harm women, that her home is not safe, that her parents are untrustworthy (because her father is dangerous and you didn't get her out of a dangerous situation) and will probably wind up abused herself (people who abuse spouses often don't stop there). For your and your daughter's sake, YOU NEED TO GET OUT.

Also, he is absolutely using suicide as a manipulation tactic. It's a classic abuser tactic - lots of them do it because they don't care about your feelings, they just care about how your feelings let them manipulate you.

Some resources:

https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656

http://www.thehotline.org/

http://www.dvrc-or.org/safety-planning/

u/CoffeeAddict64 · 6 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

If you ever want to know more there's also Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry Controlling Men.

u/sharplikeginsu · 6 pointsr/exchristian

I'm glad I deconverted every day. When I was in the process I read A Guide to the Good Life: The Ancient Art Of Stoic Joy. It helped me an incredible amount, to focus on truly enjoying what I've got in this moment, even if it's only for this moment.

If you spent even an hour today dreading your eventual death, did you really live for that hour? What was the point in being alive? What good did you do for yourself or others? Your dread is killing the very thing you are worried about losing. But it's natural to have these feelings, and it takes practice to move past them.

Being raised as a Christian is kind of like Chinese foot binding. A part of us that might have developed normally (acceptance of death) is prevented from growing ("you will live forever!"). You've taken off the bindings and now you are doing the hard work of rehabbing, building those atrophied muscles. It's worth doing. You deserve to enjoy the life you are living, and a true life, not one in blissful ignorance, passing down your bindings to your children as well.

u/mshron · 6 pointsr/RedditDayOf

It's actually not that ironic; the Stoics were all about joy. It was negative emotions they wanted to cast off, not all emotions.

See: http://www.amazon.com/Guide-Good-Life-Ancient-Stoic/dp/0195374614

u/ThereIsNoJustice · 6 pointsr/GetMotivated

&gt;But I've recently come to the realization that the world is a terrible, AWFUL place. That people are terrible. And that nothing anyone does sparks any sort of hope in me. Not all the 'donate/play for charity' or 'i helped out a stranger in need' or 'i sent a little girl a present' posts in the world could get me to think that the world is not a terrible place. Politicians, corporations, millionaires, the supposed 'top 2%'...they are what run this world. They are the ones that make the decisions. They have the money, and therefore the power. It's mostly true.

Buddha, Nietzsche, and the Stoics all had a similar realization. Nietzsche's phrasing: "experiences are fictions". From the Stoic Epictetus: "His son is dead. What happened? His son is dead. Nothing else? Not a thing. His ship is lost. What happened? His ship is lost. He was carried off to prison. What happened? He was carried off to prison. But the observation: ‘He has fared ill,’ is an addition that each man makes on his own responsibility." On first acquaintance with these ideas, they seem insane -- but there truly is no objective way to interpret the world anymore than there is an objective way to interpret a poem. Free yourself from the notion that what you think is bad must be interpreted bad. Realize you are in fact the source of this interpretation.

If there is no right or wrong interpretation, and you have freed yourself from the false idea of objectiveness there, you should clearly choose a more beneficial interpretation. Is the glass half full or half empty? I agree with the Stoic perspective: it's wonderful there is even a glass at all. Essentially, you can compare the world with something better and be unhappy, or you can compare it with something worse and be happy. These comparisons are responsible for most of your emotions -- you are unhappy that friend or family member dies because you expected them to live longer. If you had expected them to die at precisely that time all along and you had always known it that way, it would be of little consequence.

As such, I would advise some negative visualization; imagine the numerous ways the world could be worse and compare them to how the world is. If you do this correctly, you will gain a large amount of gratitude for the world as it actually exists.

None of this is to say you should be complacent with the world, but that is a different topic. For more on Stoicism, I recommend this book: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0195374614/ref=s9_simh_gw_p14_d4_i1?pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&amp;amp;pf_rd_s=center-2&amp;amp;pf_rd_r=0F8SY1KJJ7JJWFKQQMST&amp;amp;pf_rd_t=101&amp;amp;pf_rd_p=470938631&amp;amp;pf_rd_i=507846

&gt; I don't really even want to socialize. I just don't know how I matter in this world in which everyone is out to do things only for themselves. They're selfish. Everyone is, to an extent. How do I stop believing that everyone is selfish?

You've defined selfish in such broad strokes. It is true that people do things to benefit themselves, but they also do things to benefit others. How much of what people do is solely to benefit themselves?

Do you see yourself as selfish? Would it help you to go and do things that are unselfish? Or to keep track of unselfish acts from everyone around you?

&gt;Nothing motivates or propels me.

You are disillusioned with the world and people. I have given you some advice to turn your perspective upside-down. Given that, it seems if your focus remains on society, you should do something to improve it. At the very least, make yourself into an example for other people. Courage, humility, honesty, love, and ambition. Memorize them and practice them.

u/SoulGorilla · 6 pointsr/startups

Read [this book.] (http://www.amazon.com/Mindset-Psychology-Success-Carol-Dweck/dp/0345472322/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;amp;ie=UTF8&amp;amp;qid=1409206717&amp;amp;sr=1-1&amp;amp;keywords=mindset) I wish i had read it when i was in college, looks like another, off the shelf motivational self-help book, i know. But it is $9 well spent. Hell, I'll buy it for you if you're short on cash.

u/revisionedDOTnet · 6 pointsr/socialskills

This has to do with your internal framing of failure. Many people think failure is a bad thing, so they obsess over it or avoid situations that will challenge them and that will make them feel like a failure. In the book Mindset, Carol Dweck refers to this as the 'fixed' mindset. People in this mindset tend to think that all skills and abilities are 'natural born' and that nothing can be learned or built upon, and studies have shown that people with this mindset are often less successful than their couter-parts with the 'growth' mindset.

It's a great book, and I recommend reading it if you've got the chance.

In short, we all make mistakes from time to time - specifically in social situations, or in other situations as well. If you frame every interaction and challenge as an opportunity to learn, then failure becomes becomes an exciting preliminary element to growth, and you will obsess about it much less. Don't go into the situation hoping to fail, but rather understanding that not everything is supposed to turn out how you anticipated, and what you do with the outcome can provide a great opportunity to help you.

u/lingual_panda · 6 pointsr/cscareerquestions

I highly recommend Mindset. A fixed mindset is basically shooting yourself in the foot if you have any sort of goal whatsoever.

Facts and Fallacies of Software Engineering is from the mid-90s but basically everything is still true today.


Becoming a Technical Leader and Apprenticeship Patterns are kind of like two sides to the same coin. I read the former during my first internship and I definitely think it helped me succeed at my second internship and in my first job.

On Writing Well has an entire chapter on technical writing, but the rest of the book is fantastic as well.

u/Masehead · 6 pointsr/UIUC

If you have some free time, it might be a good idea to take some time to read, journal, and learn new skills.

You can journal about the fall semester and try to brainstorm the reasons for why you got a 2.5 GPA. Were you taking time to study every day, were you spending too much time at Kams, or were you spending too much time alone on reddit and not developing a social circle? There's a lot of reasons that can lead to a difficult semester and identifying them is important to prevent the same problems from happening again in the spring. Also the act of journaling will help you process your thoughts in a more productive way than if you are just ruminating.

Reading would also be a great use of your time because for one, the act of reading helps to alleviate feelings of loneliness. You can also read different books about motivation, psychology, health, or success that can give you some tools on how to think about your problems. Some books that were beneficial to me when I was in a similar situation were, "Change Your Brain Change Your Life (before 25)," "The Defining Decade," and "Mindset." Here's the links to them on Amazon:

https://www.amazon.com/Change-Your-Brain-Life-Before/dp/0373892926

https://www.amazon.com/Defining-Decade-Your-Twenties-Matter/dp/0446561754

https://www.amazon.com/Mindset-Psychology-Carol-S-Dweck/dp/0345472322/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;amp;ie=UTF8&amp;amp;qid=1483208928&amp;amp;sr=1-1&amp;amp;keywords=mindset

Lastly, learning new skills will help you increase your confidence and remind you that you are a capable person. Learn how to solve a rubix cube, learn to play a song on some instrument, take a coding class online, or teach yourself how to make an omelette. Honestly, you can teach yourself anything and it will be beneficial. Learning these small skills will make you feel productive and increase your sense of self-efficacy.

Try not to think of your failures as a sign that there is something inherently wrong with you or that you are a failure. You have an incredible capability to grow as a human in all areas of your life and failing is a good sign to show that your pushing yourself to learn. In the words of John Wooden, "Failure isn't fatal, but failure to change might be."

I'll leave you with one last quote that I found to be inspirational: "Action is a great restorer and builder of confidence. Inaction is not only the result, but the cause, of fear. Perhaps the action you take will be successful; perhaps different action or adjustments will have to follow. But any action is better than no action at all." - Norman Vincent Peale.

ILL!

u/TenaciousPoo · 6 pointsr/confession

You absolutely without a doubt MUST read this book [not an affiliate link]. It addresses how a specific mindset views success vs. failure and a different way to frame life events. It can really help take the pressure off of a bruised ego.

u/Big_Theta · 6 pointsr/chapotraphouse2

I gotchu homie

PM me your address before the boycott starts

u/craywolf · 6 pointsr/IWantToLearn

Getting Things Done

It took me years of seeing people recommend this book over and over before I picked up a copy and read it. I wish I'd done it sooner. I even got my boss to pay for a copy to keep at work, and bought a copy for my Kindle for home.

Getting into the GTD "groove" takes a while - losing old habits and forming new ones always does - but even if you implement his plan halfway and imperfectly, you'll be twice as organized and productive as you are now.

u/PutMyDickOnYourHead · 6 pointsr/business

Say no more, fam.

You don't need a degree to run a business. Having your own business allows you to experiment with these books first hand instead of taking some professor's word for it. Professor's usually just read what the book says. If they were actually good at running a business they'd probably be doing that.

u/johninfante · 6 pointsr/productivity

If you want to hire someone, you probably want a life coach. If you're looking for someone who will help you on many of these angles, that would be a life coach. Someone with a more detached, professional view of your life who can provide motivation, a sounding board, accountability, etc.

Now, seeing as you are broke AF, I'm not sure if a life coach is affordable. So if you want to DIY this, I have a couple of suggestions.

  • I think the Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up might be a good recommendation to catch up on housework and get your physical spaces organized.
  • For your broke AF-ness, try You Need A Budget (YNAB). Students get one year free.
  • For all your other professional and personal goals, I would recommend a combination of Getting Things Done and Getting Results the Agile Way.

    The value for you in Getting Things Done (GTD) is the initial collection, processing and organization phase, along with the workflow habits it can build. That initial process of gathering up all this stuff that has accumulated in your life over the past year you've been unable to work and deciding what you're going to do with it should be helpful in getting you moving forward again.

    But where GTD kind of falls down in my opinion is in deciding what you are going to do and providing structure in how your organize your tasks. And I think both of those are provided much better in Agile Results. That system has a much more intentional process of laying out a vision for your year, month, week, and day that makes working through all your goals and the accumulated backlog easier.
u/anreywang · 6 pointsr/ENFP

The one that changed my life the most was Getting Things Done by David Allen. This book taught me how to turn all of my various ideas into concrete actions.

u/beley · 6 pointsr/smallbusiness

Online courses are really hit or miss. Most college courses on "business" don't really teach how to start or run a small business. They either teach big business... how to work in a large corporation... or how to create a startup. Both of those are markedly different from starting and running a small business (even an online one).

There are some great books about starting and running a small business, though. Here are a few of my favorites:

Financial Intelligence for Entrepreneurs

This is an excellent book on business finances for the non-accounting types. I took accounting classes in college but never really got what all the financial reports really meant to my business' health. This will teach you what's important in the reports, what you should look out for, and how to read them. This is critically important for a small business owner to understand, even if you plan to hire a bookkeeper and accountant.

The E-myth Revisited by Michael Gerber

Awesome book about building systems in your business to really grow it to the point where it's not just a job for the owner. It's easy to read and probably one of the top 5 business books of all time.

Entreleadership by Dave Ramsey

This is a good book and covers several different aspects of entrepreneurship from hiring and managing employees to marketing, setting the vision, etc. It's hokey at times, but is a good read.

The 7 Habits of Highly Successful People by Stephen Covey

Not necessarily a "small business" book, but easily my top #1 book recommendation of all time. It's hugely applicable to any professional, or anyone really. I re-read this book every couple of years and still get more out of it after almost 20 years.

Getting Things Done by David Allen

THE productivity book. Even if you only absorb and implement 25% of the strategies in this book it will make a huge difference in your level of productivity. It's really the game-changing productivity system. This is one of the biggest problems with small business owners - too much to do and no organization. Great read.

u/fredy · 6 pointsr/philosophy

That image is a figure (p 97) from "A Guide to the Good Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy" by William B. Irvine.
http://www.amazon.com/Guide-Good-Life-Ancient-Stoic/dp/0195374614/

u/gringo-gaijin · 6 pointsr/polyamory

I think it depends on what your partners love languages are. Feed each one of your partners what they need to feel loved, and they will feel fulfilled and special.

u/ALexusOhHaiNyan · 6 pointsr/infp

I made a point to write down just general compliments I've gotten over the years. People are reserved about their compliments in general and it helps to have them all laid out to remind yourself "Oh yeah. I am loved!"

Having more than one girlfriend tell me I was the best boyfriend they ever had is probably something I'd forget, and certainly needed to hear as a younger man. Because I live in a very Type A city where i thought I must be an undateable loser because Im not an alpha earner. Typical INFP thinking - hard on ourselves and blind to our strengths. It never even occurred to me that I had something to offer others couldn't. Also learning to date women that complimented my personality more so than just my idiotic libido. Like projecting idyllic girlfriend material onto some girl just because she had nice eyes and a dope donk.

Anywho - Start a compliment list. Because not everyone says "I love you" with words - there's 5 languages of love, not 1.

http://www.amazon.com/The-Love-Languages-Secret-Lasts/dp/080241270X

Mine's wordless and touch. I don't need to hear "I love you" as much as I need to physically feel it. A touch of the hand without a word said. An intimate look from across the room - make my INFP ass feel understood. Had a girlfriend make my road rage magically disappear simply by touching the back of my neck and stroking my hair.

Blowjobs help too.

u/funkyjives · 6 pointsr/Buddhism

I recommend Mindfulness in Plain English for a basic understanding of Insight meditation.

Also, before people go off the hinges, Alan Watts (one of my personal favorite philosophers) didn't hold Buddhist views exclusively. Watts had a sort of mish-mash of Buddhism, Taoism, and Hinduism. In my opinion, his heart-mind was in the right spot, he just mixed up semantics a bit. Also, he was an alcoholic, and some people are a little too quick to point that out.

The last thing I want to mention is that one my be very studied in the Dharma, but the fruit that the Buddhadharma bears comes from a non-intellectual understanding that arises after some time spent in practice.

Stay steadfast and have your intentions and priorities clear.

u/Minicomputer · 6 pointsr/AskMenOver30

There's a joke about two young fish in the ocean swimming past an old fish who says to them, "How's the water, boys?" Finally the one fish turns to the other and says, "what the fuck is water?"

Be more aware of the perpetual activity of your mind. If you wish to return a sense of vitality and inquisitiveness to your life you must cultivate the necessary conditions and then it will arise naturally. Practice meditation.

Edited to add: Helping others is an effective way to gain a new perspective on our lives. And it feels good. It is a strong antidote for moderate depression or despair.

u/benlew · 6 pointsr/Infographics

Mindfulness in Plain English is, in my opinion, the best guide to mindfulness meditation available. It is very easy to read and straight forward. It is also is quite thorough and covers most everything you could possibly want to know. Also head over to /r/meditation which is a great resource in learning. Good luck!

u/BonkersVonFeline · 6 pointsr/relationship_advice

It sounds like you're in therapy and taking meds. I would continue with this if it's working or work on finding something else that does (new meds, new therapist). You'll need even more support now than you did before. If you feel you're in a crisis, don't feel ashamed to call a suicide hotline or your therapist. This stuff is terribly tough to deal with and there is no shame in getting help. Be gentle with yourself.

By the way, if you didn't already know this, suicidal ideation is normal for those with trauma in their backgrounds and PTSD. I know this because I'm being treated for this myself. If your therapist doesn't have experience with trauma and PTSD specifically, you might want to find someone who does. There are specific treatments for this.

My therapist just gave me materials last week that say that people with trauma and PTSD symptoms tend to feel suicidal and hopeless, believe that it'll never get any better, and can be VERY pessimistic about the future (this is my experience exactly). Just know these thoughts and feelings are symptoms of PTSD and depression and are NOT true. You CAN take actions to make your life better.

As far as the relationship goes, it might be best to just accept that it's over and focus on yourself right now. It sounds like you have enough to deal with and a relationship is probably not the best thing to be in right now anyway. I wouldn't try to get him back as it sounds like he made it clear that he was done and this going back and forth business never seems to work out in the end. Even if you do get back together, some time apart might be best at this point.

I always recommend Getting Past Your Breakup to people as well as the author's blog (which I'm reading right now in fact). These resources helped me tremendously with my last breakup.

I also recommend books like Feeling Good and The Feeling Good Handbook, which have helped me tremendously as well. If none of this appeals to you then know that there are many resources available and I'm sure you can find something that does.

Journaling those raw, painful emotions helps too. My first therapist told me to do this for years and I never did. I do now and just getting that shit out really DOES help. It helps if the journal is secure, like if you use a software journal there are ones with encryption. In Feeling Good he really pushes you to journal and do the exercises, and not just read the book. He also says that people tend to benefit from ANY act of self-help.

Anyway, I know this is tough stuff and probably more than most people could ever bear. It sounds like you've dealt with a lot so you're probably stronger than you realize. Good luck to you.

u/J4N4 · 6 pointsr/IAmA

Congratulations to you on what you've accomplished - your story is very inspiring. I was diagnosed with social anxiety about 5 years ago and went to therapy for 6 months. During that time I worked through The Feeling Good Handbook, which was very helpful, and I thought I was "cured" for almost a year. I have since relapsed and I feel as bad as ever, so your story gives me hope that someday I will be able to get through this. Thank you.

u/drunken-serval · 6 pointsr/AskMen

Feel free to visit those of us in /r/bipolar2, it's a supportive community.

I'm newly diagnosed but I've been dealing with the symptoms for a very long time. I use a combination of medication, cognitive behavioral therapy, good habits, lots and lots of data, and self-awareness. It's a defense in depth. Each one is a layer and a safety net.

Medication


Mood stabilizers reduce the highs and lows. If you start slipping, you might need to get some medications adjusted. Recommend having a specialist for this.

Antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds can deal with depression or anxiety that can come from bipolar.

Cognitive behavioral therapy


Helps combat negative thoughts. If I know I'm getting stuck in circles of bad or stressful thoughts, I pull out a worksheet and spend 15 minutes identifying what's wrong with my thinking and come up with positive thoughts to counteract the bad. It doesn't make depression and anxiety go away but it does lighten my burden significantly.

The book I'm learning this from is called The Feeling Good Handbook. I strongly recommend having a therapist as a guide.

Good Habitats


I go to sleep at the same time every night, as much as possible. Sleep is absolutely critical to maintaining stability, so I make it a priority.

Routines are extremely helpful when you're not 100%. Relying on your brain's autopilot really helps. If you're not too depressed, keep up your exercise.

My best habit is to not let failure stop me. I have bipolar, I will fail and I will fail hard. Failure does not mean I give up. If I can salvage a victory, I better damn well try. This mental illness will not control me.

Lots and lots of data


On my phone, I have a bullet journal (stored in Apple Notes) and a mood tracker (Daylio app). Both of these things help me get stuff done and keep track of my life. Every important detail of my day is recorded. Every month I review both of these and look for patterns. What are things that affect me? How can I make my life better? And most importantly, what good things have I done?

This last one is critical to my success. There are so many good things my memory misses. Bipolar lies to me and tells me I'm worthless. My journal tells me I'm awesome.

I also use calendar alerts and timed reminders, to combat my time blindness.

Self-awareness


This is where routine, good habits, and data meet. Because I'm constantly checking and measuring myself, I always know what mood I'm in. I know what I'm capable of in each mood.

I know that when I'm manic, I overestimate my own ability. So my good habit is not allowing myself to commit to anything beyond what I can handle when I'm mildly depressed. I allow myself 1 weekly obligation outside work plus 3 bi-weekly ones.

If I'm heading into depression, I cut everything optional from my schedule and buckle down for a long, difficult road. I plan to do a lot of housework and reading. I plan meals with good friends at least once a week so I don't isolate myself.

This is a lot of trial and error but eventually you figure out what works and what doesn't.

How I feel today


Right now, I feel really good and I'm thinking that I don't need meds or therapy anymore. THAT IS A LIE. Routine saves me. I am not allowed to skip meds or therapy homework because I don't think I need them. I have seen what happens to my uncle when he skips meds. It's not pretty. I WILL NOT BE HIM.

Treating bipolar is like treating diabetes: take your meds, sleep, and eat right. Do not ever think you will not have it. It is life long and requires constant maintenance. The good news is it gets easier.

u/mercurybeatingheart · 6 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

Oh, I see. I'm glad to hear he's gotten better!

I'm sad to hear his insurance doesn't cover it. Makes me grateful to live in a country where we have more or less free health care...

I have a tip which won't cost a penny: Borrowing self-help books at the library and/or looking into some websites with suggestions on how to understand himself and rationalize anxiety disordes like OCD. As far as I've heard, there's a lot that can be done with just your own effort as well as with the support of a signifigcant other. Regrettably, I don't know any good books on the subject, but I imagine they'd easy to find (reading reviews on Amazon, for instance). The only book I know of which I have myself and which is quite good is "Feeling Good". It covers negative thoughts well as catastrophe thoughts, and has a lot of practical assignments. As far as I understand, OCD is an expression/a type of catastrophe anxiety ("I have to check the stove/plugs/wash my hands 123 times to get rid of bacteria ... Or else I will, in the worst case, die or at least end up badly damaged/see my loved ones suffer that fate").

I've realized that a lot of my own OCD/anxiety thoughts stem from my childhood, mostly both my mother and grandmother (who both suffer and suffered from sever anxiety) more or less brainwashing me into thinking that mostly everything is very dangerous. If your husband hasn't looked into his childhood for possible reasons for his OCD, I highly recommend it. I have another friend with severe OCD, and sadly, his treatments are mostly very short-term, seeing as the sessions mostly consist of him and the therapist touching the sink, the toilet etcetera to "prove" that it's not dangerous -- instead of discussing why he is so afraid of bacteria, and what he thinks will happen if he touches bacteria ("Catch HIV [and die]," he's told me himself), and what these fears are rooted in before learning how to rationalize them.

Incidentally, both my friend's mother and father are extreme worriers who will text him a lot when he's here ("Did you there all right? When are you coming home?" (This was when he lived at home, but he recently got his own place (He's 28). His parents live 5 minutes away, though, and visit him constantly...))

Sorry for the long rant, this (reasons for OCD and the treatment people get) is something that's been rattling in my mind forever, and I haven't had a chance to put my thought into words until now.

u/MakePeaceInThisPiece · 6 pointsr/RBNSpouses

This is my two cents. Take with a grain of salt. I am not a professional anything.

&gt; If your family member is/becomes an alcoholic or addicted to drugs, do you just leave them be?

If that person is doing harm, HELL YES. Speaking as an addict in recovery, NO ONE CAN FIX AN ADDICT. It is completely down to the sick person to face the consequences of their actions and seek recovery if they choose. If you want to learn about detaching with love, seek out Codependent No More.

As for NPD in particular, empathy can't be learned. A person without empathy can learn pro-social behavior, but s/he will never be motivated by empathy. Unfortunately, his/her narcissism is rewarding his/her perfectly. S/he has no real motivation to change.

But that is all beside the point.

NO MATTER WHAT, if a person has children, HIS/HER RESPONSIBILITY IS TO THOSE CHILDREN.

No one owes an N a year or two. No one owes an N him even an hour.

The pro-social behavior an N shows at the beginning of a relationship is bait. The N seems perfect because s/he is performing a role. Afterward s/he slowly begins to test how much harmful behavior his/her partner will tolerate. The N will only do more harm. The N will never return to his/her former "perfect" self.

In this way, someone who pursues a toxic relationship hoping to recapture the bliss of the first high is very like an addict.

That's all I know.

I hope you find what you're looking for, and I hope you find abundant peace and joy.

EDIT: Fixed link

u/seeds_of_change_TA · 6 pointsr/Divorce

&gt; as time went on I became increasingly more depressed (not entirely his fault, genetically predisposed to depression here) and my sex drive took a dive

I thought I was pre-disposed to depression too. I was severely depressed and has extreme anxiety the last few years of our relationship. Now, 9-months post separation, I feel like myself for the first time in years. Your husband is making you depressed.

&gt; The sex thing was REALLY hard on him, and made him feel unwanted

OMG, I dealt with this shit so much. He would do X, Y or Z shitty behavior to drive me away, causing me to avoid intimacy with him. Then I was made to be the bad guy - he made me feel so guilty, that I was emasculating him and making him feel unwanted and abandoned. In reality, he is the one who has abandoned you for his other relationship - the bottle (not to mention the other women). He abandons you, makes you feel like nothing, takes you for granted, cheats, drinks, and when you withdraw after all this rejection he makes YOU the bad guy. No.

&gt; I wasn't ready to give up my entire life just because he made a mistake

He didn't make one mistake. He has made a series of mistakes and you keep forgiving him. He is pushing your boundaries further and further to see what he can get away with. He apologizes for mistakes then turns around and keeps doing it, and taking it one step further. To make things worse, he tries to turn it all around on you because of your lack of intimacy which all came about because of his inability to be a decent partner.

&gt; now he's ACTUALLY TRYING

What is he actually doing to try? He has begrudgingly agreed to stop drinking for a short amount of time. He is being, as you say, "patient, tender, and understanding." About what?! He should be grovelling on his knees, in intensive therapy to address why he treats you like shit and takes your marriage for granted - all while YOU are showing patience, compassion, and understanding for HIM.

He's trying to blame everything on you, and you're letting him. This is not a judgment. My ex and I had the exact same dynamic for 15 years. Take it from me: let him go. Free yourself. It's not easy. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. But it's so worth it. You must break your codependency, start demanding respect from others, and stop blaming yourself.

These two books helped me in my journey:

Codependent No More
How to Break Your Addiction to a Person

u/The_Ersatz_Hatrack · 6 pointsr/cripplingalcoholism
u/ARealRocketScientist · 6 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

It sounds like you should read this book.

http://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025

From the way you have described, it sounds like you are in relationship were you are invested in making your lives better while your partner leeches a free ride off of you.

u/gijen3 · 6 pointsr/stepparents

Please get professional help! Also read this book: https://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025

u/pigs_have_fl0wn · 6 pointsr/edmproduction

I would check out most of Cal Newport's recent writings. He received his PhD in Computer Science from MIT, and is now teaching at Georgetown.

His main thesis is deliberate practice consists of lots of different facets, most of which aren't necessarily thought about. While his work focuses a lot on improving work in "knowledge fields" it is drawn mostly from creative pursuits. He argues that thinking about your habits for practicing and learning (meta-habits) are just as important as sitting down to practice or learn. For example, knowing how to build a clear path of improvement and success in learning the piano is as important as sitting down and working through the hard parts. Sometimes the hardest part is simply figuring out where it is wisest to invest your time.


His article "The Deliberate Creative" I found to be particularly enlightening, among others. He's also been published in the New York Times, The Economist, and has five bestselling books.

On a side note, I originally found him looking for ways to improve my study habits, which is what he originally wrote about as an undergraduate. Any current high school or college students would benefit GREATLY (IMO) from his blog and first three books. Seriously, the guy has some great stuff.

u/joeycloud · 6 pointsr/web_design

'Appealing' depends on your target audience. The only advice I can think of without further context is to change the font of everything in the navigation section (including 'recent posts') to the same one as your site title. It will leave a better first impression.

To increase user traffic, read Google's guide to search engine optimization. Otherwise just share it on sharing sites like this one, or Facebook, or Digg, or physically mail your neighbours the URL.

Also read this book

u/waaayne · 6 pointsr/financialindependence

Unfortunately, yes. You can open a taxable brokerage if you really want to get into the market.

However, the best thing to do right now is focusing on graduating and building skills that will set you apart from others. Cal Newport's So Good They Can't Ignore You is a good read.

u/BlunderLikeARicochet · 6 pointsr/keto

Please read this book: Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life

Please. It's far more helpful than any short reddit comment.

u/jrphoenix342 · 6 pointsr/LesbianActually

I highly recommend reading the book, “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. It’s extremely useful to all relationships with loved ones whether they are partners, children, siblings, friends, etc.

Here’s the Amazon link:
The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman

And, no, I’m not affiliated with the author or
publisher in any way; I’ve just found the book very helpful.

u/YahtzeeDii · 6 pointsr/infj

Have you ever read "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman?

It sounds like you really want to connect with your girlfriend on a deeper level and understand what makes her tick. There are some underlying commonalities with all INFJs, but I'm also reluctant to generalize a specific person. "The Five Love Languages" is a wonderful, quick read that allows you to develop a relationship that is based on a mutual understanding of what makes the both of you feel appreciated and loved.

Sounds cheesy, right? I thought so, too, but I think the benefits outweigh the cheese.

"You gotta be more sensitive" is a request for cognizance more than anything, a reminder of selfless thoughtfulness. Even if you don't fully understand where she's coming from, sit down with her and say, "Sweetie, I've been putting a lot of thought into us being apart, and I want to make this as easy on you as possible. What can I do to help? Would you like me to set up time to spend together? How about Skype? Why don't we plan out a few visits? What would you prefer?"

This initiative will be greatly appreciated. As an INFJ, I'm usually the one who is preemptive of others' needs. I'm always grateful when people make the effort. It doesn't matter exactly what they say -- oftentimes, it's the thought that counts.

u/The_Real_Bender · 6 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

You are sooooo wrong. This might never be seen or get buried but I STRONGLY recommend you read The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman with an open mind. You are doing irreparable damage to your husband, your marriage and your family that will extend further than you can imagine!

http://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X/ref=sr_1_sc_1?ie=UTF8&amp;amp;qid=1427581548&amp;amp;sr=8-1-spell&amp;amp;keywords=Love+langYates

There is so much more that I would like to say but much if not more has already been said. I just hope beyond hope for your sake and the sake of your family and husband that you reconsider your stance and empathize and sympathize as much as possible with your husbands point of view. Don't be selfish, be open. Out of love and respect for your husband it's the least you can do.

Read the book and if necessary see a therapist together. Who knows, maybe they will agree with you and maybe they won't but if not then consider for a moment at least that you just might be wrong.

u/aglet · 6 pointsr/stepparents

Man, I almost had a flashback panic attack just reading this. It sounds EXACTLY how my life used to be with my SD for years and years.

Like you, my SD loved me at first and we had good times. Eventually her mom started telling her lies to get her to hate me, I guess out of jealousy? And whenever my SD got in trouble from her mom for something that happened at our house, she'd blame it on me-- like, she shaved her legs without her mom's permission and her mom freaked out at her and SD said she only did it because I said her legs were ugly and hairy. OF COURSE I would never say that! Ugh. But the fact that biomom believed I would says a lot about biomom I guess. And the fact that SD so cheerfully threw me under the bus on a regular basis says a lot about her, too.

Anyway, like you I just kept smiling. Tried talking to biomom like you did-- had no luck with it, like you didn't. Then biomom &amp; SD moved away and SD started getting really sulky with us about traveling back for visitation, calls us "selfish" for wanting the visitation enforced (instead of letting her hang out with her friends), treats us like crap because we aren't buying her the latest ipads and cell phones or whatever.

&gt;I feel terrible but I don't hardly want her to come this summer because I am so hurt by the things she says and does to us.

Yep! I'm feeling this way myself right now, just braced for summer. On the one hand, I understand logically that she is a kid who's been brainwashed by her mom and nothing I can or will do will ever change that. But emotionally, it's so hard to have her under our roof when she so clearly thinks we're beneath her and doesn't consider us her 'real' family, just some irritating obligation.

&gt;I'm tired of being called names, I'm tired of being treated like shit, I'm tired of us being taken advantage of, I'm tired of parts of my life having to be put on hold because of my SD, I'm tired of having panic attacks whenever his phone makes a noise, and I'm mostly tired of feeling like a guest and being scared to live in my own home whenever she is here!! I'm just tired.

This just makes me cry for you. I know exactly, exactly how you feel. So here's my advice:

LET IT GO. You can't change what biomom thinks of you. You can't change how SD reacts, how she treats you or the fights between the ex and your husband. It is what it is. I know that may not sound helpful, but I find that most stress comes from fighting something because you think there's a solution. Only sometimes, there is no solution. This is one of those times. Keep smiling and do your best, and whether or not that's good enough for your SD, it has to be good enough for you.

What you can do: Set boundaries. If the ex's calls always mean a huge fight, ask your husband to only take them when you're not around. Or when he's out of the house. This will require him to set boundaries too. If he won't do that for you, then YOU leave the house for a couple hours. YOU take yourself out of the equation and let him handle it. You dont' need to be around that shit. It's HIS ex.

And as far as your SD goes, don't take it personally. She's a mixed up kid in a fucked up situation. At this point, you just need to weather the storm until she's old enough to look back on this time with more perspective to realize how messed up her mom is and how you guys were always there for her with no judgement. At least, that's what I tell myself. Works pretty well, definitely better than panic attacks and wanting to go run and cry in my room at the disaster my attempted family turned into.

And finally-- find something that's just for you. Put your energies elsewhere, someplace that rejuvenates you instead of drains you. Art classes, yoga, gardening, join a book club, whatever floats your boat. Just SOMETHING that you can focus on that is not your SD or your husband or his ex. You need to build a full and vibrant life that SD is only a part of, instead of building an entire life around her, if that makes sense. Oh, and definitely continue counseling.

Sorry for the crazy long post. I just know exactly where you are because I was there myself, and I could kick myself for dwelling in that horrible place for such a stupidly long time.

Books that might help: The Enlightened Stepmother, a slightly more realistic view of being a stepmom for circumstances like yours and mine, I thought, compared to other stepmom books. And The Four Agreements, a book to help you with letting go.

TL;DR You can't argue with crazy, but you can make yourself crazy by trying.

u/Consuelanator · 6 pointsr/getdisciplined

If this resonates with anyone, I HIGHLY recommend Stephen Pressfield's The War of Art (for anyone who has something they want to accomplish, not just artists). Trust me, best $10 bucks I've ever spent.

The War of Art: Break Through the Blocks and Win Your Inner Creative Battles https://www.amazon.com/dp/1936891026/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_Ih0gzbNX9DZGB

u/artearth · 6 pointsr/Screenwriting

I came here to say this too. A friend who has written and published two memoirs keeps a notebook just for new ideas, If something occurs to her, out comes that notebook, then back it goes so she can get back on track.

And is there something else going on? The new story is always shiny, uncomplicated, not bogged down by the actual effort of making it happen. Being deep into the details of the second act is just not as sexy as fleshing out a new character or problem.

So part of the answer is just to do the work. Check out The War of Art or Do the Work by Steven Pressfield - two books that seriously pulled me out of depression and got me busting ass on my projects again.

u/clownfacekillah · 6 pointsr/sugarlifestyleforum

Money should be the icing on an already tasty cake in a sugar relationship, not a shock collar to control and abuse. I think you might benefit from this book more than op, don't get angry now ; )

https://www.amazon.ca/Does-Inside-Minds-Angry-Controlling/dp/0425191656

u/IBetYouveNever · 6 pointsr/sex

&gt; if he refuses then I guess that's a pretty good clue he was gonna kill me.

Honestly? Any murderer worth his salt will accept the first invite because it's standard procedure.

Do trust your gut. There's a book called The Gift of Fear that's all about intuition and how nuanced social interactions help us pick out people with different social motivations. The trouble is that we sometimes dismiss those signs because we don't have a good vocabulary for them, or think they're weird feelings.

I recently had a close brush with an honest-to-goodness murderer and trusted my gut, found out after the fact who the guy was (he was caught and arrested a week after our interaction), and I'm SO FUCKING GLAD I went with the bold call-to-action rather than just passively tolerating his behaviors.

u/TheAethereal · 6 pointsr/Fitness

In no particular order:

The Gift of Fear

Meditations on Violence

Facing Violence

Verbal Judo

Surviving Armed Assaults

On Combat

The Little Black Book of Violence

Street E &amp; E

I could probably come up with 10 more if I looked through my library.

Whichever system you decide on, the tactics in these books will be important. Reading them before choosing a school will help you know what to look for. Sadly, some self-defense school will teach things that are either not practical, or will have devastating legal consequences for you (like how to take a knife away from someone, then use it on them).

u/mrrp · 6 pointsr/legaladvice

&gt;So far you've received a few texts and a letter.

Getting a letter via USPS to your mailbox is receiving a letter. Having a letter shoved under your apartment door right after you leave the premises is not. I would take this very seriously.

Call the police. I'd suggest you have them meet you at your apartment rather than you going to the station. If this person is watching you, you want him or her to know you're taking action.

Trust your guts.

u/haytkir · 6 pointsr/Advice

First: You NEED to read "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker: https://smile.amazon.com/Other-Survival-Signals-Protect-Violence/dp/0440508835/

Second: There are so many red flags here. Listen to your instincts. There is no reason to do anything more than to tell him that you are not interested in him and to stop contacting you. If he respects you he will apologize and leave you alone. Anything else is just reinforcement that this guy is bad news. Don't try to let him down easy, don't try to be polite. Be firm and direct.

It's time to unfriend and block him on Facebook and entirely STOP responding to any messages he sends you.

u/LynzM · 6 pointsr/SRSDiscussion

This is a great book to teach concrete skills in this sort of awareness and self-protection:

The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals that Protect Us From Violence

u/sometimesineedhelp · 6 pointsr/Meditation

It's a non-meditation suggestion, so I'm not sure how well received my suggestion will be, but this is the sort of thing CBT is really good at conquering... While it covers a lot more than just habitual negative daydreaming, getting in the habit of that way of thinking will just naturally cause those to lessen...

I'd suggest starting with either of David D. Burns MD's "feeling good" books http://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy-ebook/dp/B009UW5X4C/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;amp;ie=UTF8&amp;amp;qid=1404226616&amp;amp;sr=1-1 or http://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-Handbook-David-Burns/dp/0452281326/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;amp;ie=UTF8&amp;amp;qid=1404226705&amp;amp;sr=1-1&amp;amp;keywords=feeling+good+handbook

u/ma2rten · 6 pointsr/AvPD

I will take a shot at answering your question. I think there are some strategies to make it better. Not everything is going to work for everyone.

  1. Mindfulness and Meditation (for example headspace app, mindfulness in plain english)
  2. Self-compassion and loving-kindness meditation
  3. Visualizing being confident
  4. Listing things you are good at
  5. Positive affirmations
  6. CBT
  7. Being in nature
  8. Exercise, Diet, Sleep
  9. Creative outlets, music
  10. Sharing the feeling (like this)

    None of these things are going to be a cure. The only cure is addressing the underling issue in therapy.

    &amp;#x200B;
u/abintra · 6 pointsr/ZenHabits
u/Empiricist_or_not · 6 pointsr/HPMOR

Read the 48 laws of power and the Art of seduction

Long term take Harry's Advice about lying, but never make you motivations clear, and rember the rule of never doing anything for only one reason.

u/bunnylover726 · 6 pointsr/JUSTNOMIL

&gt; I don't even know where to continue.

I think I can give you a few places to start. First off, what your mom was doing to you is sometimes called "emotional incest". I've found in my personal experience that having a name for my parents' dysfunctional behavior helps me to realize that I'm not the crazy one, it helps me to find resources, and it helps me to heal. If you Google "emotional incest" as your search term, you'll find a lot to look at. There are also a few books out there about the topic, but I haven't gotten around to reading them yet and I wouldn't feel comfortable giving recommendations for something I haven't read myself.

Unfortunately, most of the writing I've found on it assumes that it's an opposite sex parent/child, but I think that my mother also forced emotionally incestuous relationships on children of different genders. You're not alone. She used me (female) as her main emotional support for years, but not to the same extent as your mom. Then when I up and left, she switched to targeting my brother. It's tough to talk about and I can understand why you'd feel extra crazy because of it, but you're not. I think that my mother's demented emotional usage of me in addition to other factors harmed my ability to connect to other women for a while.

&gt; She constantly called me a lesbian because during these years, I didn't date or have a boyfriend. I want to vomit thinking about this now, because it makes me think she considered her behavior towards me romantic.

You might also want to use the search term "covert incest"- you'll find info that way too. I think your mother was ashamed of her behavior and was projecting her shame onto you.

The website I linked to above, http://outofthefog.website/ is a very useful resource for learning more about dysfunctional family behaviors. A commenter elsewhere in this thread recommended Adult Children of Alcoholics, and in addition to a local chapter, you should follow their subreddit. It's over at /r/AdultChildren.

If you want a good book recommendation, Toxic Parents by Susan Forward talks about emotionally abusive parents, and she devotes a whole chapter specifically to the struggles of children with alcoholic parents. It is an old enough and popular enough book that you should be able to find it in local library, from a used bookstore, or off a site like thrift books to save you some money. It's a great book to read at the beginning of your healing journey.

The Emotionally Absent Mother, 2nd ed by Jasmin Lee Cori is worth looking for. It is broken into little chunks that make it easier to work through the book without getting emotionally exhausted. It is also packed with journal exercises that you can work on at your own pace. It talks about good mothers, neglectful mothers, and abusive mothers. It compares them, and it offers help for us to mother ourselves, to move forward, and to heal. A lot of books about abusive parents focus a lot on the parent. This book focuses more on us and the path forwards towards healing.

And finally, for a very unusual book recommendation- It's Never Too Late for a Happy Childhood by Claudia Black, the founder of ACOA. It's a picture book. The first time I read it, I cried, because it's full of affirmations for someone who was abused as a child. I have a hard time doing self-affirmations. I feel silly and have trouble finding words to tell myself that I'm a worthwhile human being. This book does it for you- just sit with it, read it slowly, and try to internalize all it has to say. It helps, and it's worth obtaining a copy to own and keep on your shelf for rough days.

I hope that wasn't too much of an info dump, but you mentioned getting a degree in psychology and you seem like a very self-aware and introspective person who would be interested in that. I just wanted to also thank you- you're the first woman I've heard from who was also tangled up in an emotionally incestuous situation with her mother. We deserved better.

u/geeked_outHyperbagel · 5 pointsr/childfree

I highly recommend his book, it's got some good insights. Nothing to do with having children though. It's just a good book about how people can find happiness in their own lives by making their own meaning. Very relevant to childfree I think, since we all find our own happiness in our own ways, even though people may tell us that our path is "not correct" in one way or another.

http://www.amazon.com/Mans-Search-Meaning-Viktor-Frankl/dp/080701429X

u/CorvusCaurinus · 5 pointsr/INTP

Been there. Looking for meaning in life, and not finding it in the same things other people seem to. I just finished reading Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl. I think it's the best book I've ever read for feelings like this, and I plan on reading it again every time I feel like this. A source of both perspective, and hope that things will get better.

u/realityisaconstruct · 5 pointsr/Metal

Ah yes. You are exactly correct. In the grand scheme of things, everything is meaningless. But it does not then therefore follow that there is not meaning to be found in life.

My favorite author on this is Viktor Frankl: neurologist; psychiatrist; and Holocaust survivor, his psychoanalytic theory of logotherapy was informed by existentialism and his experiences in the Auschwitz concentration camp.

According to Frankl, meaning can be found in life in 3 ways: by creating a work or doing a deed; by experiencing something or encountering someone; and by the attitude we take toward unavoidable suffering. So basically our choices are accomplishment, love, and perseverance.

In Man's Search for Meaning, Frankl states that "Ultimately, man should not ask what the meaning of his life is, but rather must recognize that it is he who is asked. In a word, each man is questioned by life; and he can only answer to life by answering for his own life; to life he can only respond by being responsible."

From what little context you've provided I assume that you are right now facing unavoidable suffering in the form of a hard realization. Life is questioning you right now by giving you the realization of meaninglessness. This is good for you are being given an opportunity to respond. An opportunity to show Life that you are worthy to endure the struggle of this knowledge and keep going. You are strong enough.

I'd highly recommend the book I've linked to. If you don't want to buy it, send me your address and I'll have it shipped to you. I'm serious.

EDIT: Also check out this essay.

u/LarryBills · 5 pointsr/Buddhism

Here's a couple of ideas for you to try. Please note that (as I'm sure you know) any meditation session will be unique. It is a good idea to drop expectations going in to a sit about things that you want to happen (or things you want to avoid) because we don't really have control of what arises. With that said, here's a few ideas for you:

  • Drop the chanting
  • Drop the Pranayam
  • Before sitting, do some light stretches or asanas
  • Drop the mudra. Unless you've been specifically given a mudra by a teacher, it's best to keep your hands flat (or face up) on your knees/thighs.
  • Close your eyes
  • Focus on the sensations of the in and out breath on your philtrum (the little spot under your nose) or nostrils, wherever the feeling is most clear.
  • If thoughts or bodily sensations arise, you can note 'thinking' or 'feeling' in your mind and gently return to the breath.

    You may want to check out Mindfulness in Plain English. It's an extremely well-respected and practical book.

    Web &amp; PDF versions also available but I personally prefer physical copies of Dharma materials when available.

    *formatting/words
u/thundahstruck · 5 pointsr/Buddhism

I'm writing to share some of my meditation experiences of late. I welcome feedback or any other discussion that might flow from this post.

TL;DR: Meditation can involve pain; pain originates; pain (at least to some degree) ceases; there are some ways to cease the pain.

When I started meditating regularly -- 5 or 6 weeks ago -- I sat in the half-lotus position. It was a bit difficult on my knees, but I figured they would stretch out with time. At first, the knee pain would resolve on its own between meditations. Then I started noticing pain while running. I did some research and deduced that my tight hips were causing my knees to twist, putting pressure on the meniscus. I stopped sitting in half-lotus and adopted the seiza position, with a cushion under my crotch. That has helped a lot. I would like some day to incorporate yoga into my fitness routine, which I hope will stretch out my hips for the half- and full-lotus positions. But one thing at a time.

I also have back pain while meditating. I have had related pain for about 16 years (yay college sailing!) and have only recently become serious about addressing it. My approach is two-pronged: physical and mental (see Mindfulness in Plain English, at page 94). Physically, I have strengthened my core with one-minute planks before each of my two daily sittings. And while meditating, I try to stay mindful of keeping my shoulders back and positioning my hips to counter my anterior pelvic tilt. Posture remains a distraction from breath mindfulness, but I believe that my focus on posture will pay off in the long run as I build a proper base for longer sittings. Mentally, I am mindful of the pain sensation, but I try not to conceptualize it as suffering or discomfort. That's a hard mental trick, and my approach is to keep my mind on the present moment. I tell myself that the pain sensation is now present and now bearable; the fact that the pain sensation existed at a past moment (and will likely exist in a future moment) has nothing to do with my ability to bear the current pain sensation. In other words, I try not to view pain as a cumulative phenomenon. (This approach is also helpful while running!)

To further reduce discomfort while meditating, I bought a zafu zabuton set from Dharma Crafts. The buckwheat-hull filling in the zafu provides great support. The reduction in pain let me increase my meditation time from 20 minutes to 25 minutes. If you are interested in a cushion from Dharma Crafts, I suggest getting one of their catalogs. It seemed to me that the color representations in the catalog were better than on the website.

I have referred to meditation time. I'm now up to 25 minutes for each sitting. It's not easy to sit for that long, but it's good for me so I do it. Inevitably, my mind starts to wonder (wander), "How long have I been sitting? Is this longer than 25 minutes? Should I check the timer? No, I should just wait; I bet the timer will go off -- I'd hate to check it and see that 5 minutes remain." Etc. I think these are common thoughts. Well, twice this week, that wondering got the better of me and I checked the timer; and both times I discovered that my timer had failed to start. The first time, I had been sitting for about 31 minutes. The second time (this morning), I had been sitting for over 35 minutes. I guess maybe it's time to sit for more than 25 minutes.

One last thing. I have sleeping problems and thus find myself dead tired at the end of the day. My evening meditation often does not happen until at least 10 p.m., and I struggle to stay awake. Some days, I'm able to get the meditation in early enough that drowsiness is not a problem. But lately I've tried to profit from the drowsiness by being mindful of how my brain goes from a wakeful state to a sleeping state. I have little progress to report in that regard, but I see no harm in observing how I fall asleep. (For the record, my sleep problems involve waking up too early, e.g., 3 or 4 a.m., and not being able to fall back asleep; I fall asleep just fine when I first go to bed.)

Thank you for reading.

u/Murparadox · 5 pointsr/AskMen

Hey boss. I pretty much went though the same exact thing you did a couple years ago. Dated a girl for 3 years while in college, thought I was going to marry her, ect. She broke it off for various reasons, and I literally thought I was going to die. I had no real social circle, much less any good friends. She was my entire emotional support network for so long and I had no idea what to do when she left. To make matters worse, she began sleeping with other (random) people almost immediately. Talk about soul crushing. It was a dark time in my life.

But you know what? It forced me to grow. I now have a great job, an awesome circle of friends and another great girlfriend who I live with. Here are some things I realized on my journey post-breakup.

  • Nobody is responsible for your own happiness except for YOU. That girl owes you nothing. No explanation, no sympathy, nada. And she totally has the right to see/sleep with other people. The sooner you realize that only you can control your own happiness and actions the better off you'll be.

  • Don't fall into the "Sunk cost fallacy" trap. (Look it up) Basically how this applies to relationships is thinking that you've wasted a quarter of your life on this girl, and letting it affect future decisions. DON'T THINK THAT. You were with her for a reason. You learned things from her, and will probably be a better person for it. That relationship is a sunk-cost at this point, don't let it affect your future.

  • You're going to feel alone, confused, and hurt for while. And that's ok! You just had a major loss in your life. Let yourself feel emotional for a while. But make an effort to get out and experience new things. Meet new girls, hang with buddies, ect.

  • She's probably hurting as much as you are. Don't believe for a second this guy she's with is Superman. She's only known him for a week! That's not nearly enough time to make a judgement about someone. She's still in her honeymoon phase with this dude, she had a four year relationship with you! And she might have just been saying he's so amazing to hurt you. Don't compare yourself to a guy you don't even know, you'll drive yourself nuts.

    Basically all I can say it, you're gonna be alright eventually. You're doing the right thing by breaking off contact with her. Maybe eventually you guys can be friends, but focus on YOU for now. Hit the gym, and hit on some girls. In terms of getting back into the dating scene, the book Models by Mark Manson is amazing. Its not a scummy PUA (pick-up artist) book, but really teaches you how to find self worth in dating women. For your anxiety/depression, learning to meditate really helped me. This book is good for learning how.

    Feel free to message me privately if you need any more help or clarification. I can also give some other book recommendations. Good luck!
u/No_Thank_You_Daddy · 5 pointsr/Buddhism

I have really appreciated Bhante Gunaratana's Eight Mindful Steps to Happiness and Mindfulness in Plain English. They are good choices if you want to go straight to how to apply Buddhism to your life.

u/bucon · 5 pointsr/Buddhism

Gil Fronsdal's Introduction to Meditation is a nice course. He is an excellent teacher, so be sure to listen to his other talks.

If you are looking for a book, Mindfulness in Plain English by Bhante Henepola Gunaratana is a popular first meditation book.

u/MattP598 · 5 pointsr/GetMotivated

I didn't see what your exact age in your post so I'm not sure exactly how old you are, but I'm guessing you are around 10 years younger than me and I am 38.

I'm not going to be able to give you any answers unfortunately, because I still don't have any, but tell you about me and hope that maybe it helps you in some way.

I was raised in an almost perfect family. Now, my dad is one of the most stubborn, hard to talk to, and a person that has that old school mentality that men don't talk about the way they feel and they keep it all inside them and just get over it. Also my parents are extremely Christian, not that that is a bad thing, but I think it has kind of shaped me in my life. I'll explain a little more later. My dad is also one of the most absolutely hardest working people I've ever seen. He's retired now but it doesn't matter because he's still up out of bed at 6.30am, 7 am every morning and then he is outside doing some kind of physical labor all day. He is almost working on something, it's amazing. I would kill to have a tenth of work ethic. I just wanted to give you a little back ground information on my life.

I went to high school, never studied, was always highly active in sports, then college, and pretty much the same way. I did the bare minimum to get by all the time in everything I did. I've never had any passion for any kind of career, still don't. That has led to me never having any kind of job I enjoy.

When I was in college I was like most college age kids and partied(is that how you spell that?} on weekends. I always liked to have fun first before responsibilities. I'm a huge procrastinater, and always have been. Also, even though, I was a party person, I was always socially awkward and shy which led to very few relationships of any kind. I have a very small number of close, and have been in only a couple of romantic relationships in my life that always ended in me being dumped. So I have always had very low self esteem. Alright so I graduated college, moved away to a city a couple of hours from where I grew up and started working at a decent paying job. It was an easy job with decent pay. Did I like it? Of course not. Since I knew no one in the city I started drinking a lot. My weekend party habit turned into a daily drinking habit. The little bit of social life I had turned into none. You combine all this together and remember how I was raised led to a ton of guilt and lowered self esteem even more.

That led to even more substance abuse. So much so I thought I was having a heart attack at one point and called 911. It turned out to be a severe panic attack. I don't know changed in that part of my life but I think it was a combination of everything. My few friends were all getting married by this point. I developed severe anxiety and depression. This was probably around 25 or 26 years old. So the doctor prescribed me with anti-depressants of course, never mentioned therapy, and then my anxiety started to stabilize, and depression eased up a bit and allowed me to continue with my life. However, I never changed my lifestyle. So I continued to use drugs and alcohol.

A couple of years later, I was 28, the company I worked for was bought out and I was laid off. Combine that with substance abuse, a lack of friends, lack of hobbies, no motivation, and 0 dating and its not good.

Unfortunately I just got a phone call and have to step out so I will be back in a few to finish my story. In the meantime watch this and bookmark this guy's YouTube channel....

https://youtu.be/8g0dNjHz2_I

Ok finally back..... I know this is gotten long so I will try and hurry. It's good for me to write it though, and if it is even a small chance it could help you or someone else it's worth it to me.

So anyways, I was laid off about 10 and a half years ago. I had to move back home with my family because my lifestyle didn't lead to any kind of savings the way I was living. During the last 10 years I can't count the number of meaningless, low paying jobs I have had despite having a degree and experience in the IT field. The IT field, I received my degree in Management Information Systems, is one of those fields you have to constantly continue learning and I never did that. Because like I said before, I didn't have any type of passion about it, I just knew I kinda liked computers so that is what I decided on after changing my major two previous time. So I lack the skills necessary to get a job especially now. 10 years of not working in the IT field and everything has completely changed. However, I'm still paying back that massive student load bill but that's a whole other topic. I have a job now and I scrape by barely but it's pretty miserable. I'm still battling addiction. It is getting better because I finally decided to make some changes. Now it is very, very slowly getting better but any step in that direction is better than going the other way. One of the reasons I started making some changes is because of the guy I posted in the link above. He is psychology professor and one of the smartest human beings on the planet IMO. Now there will probably be people who reply to this and bring politics into because Jordan Peterson became a well known name after his stance on the Canadian Government trying to pass a law that basically says you have to call transgender people by the pronoun of their choice and they are just a bunch of made up words basically. It's nonsense. Peterson doesn't have a problem with transgender people only the fact that the government is trying to interfere in basically the English language and making laws about it. So if anyone brings any of that up just ignore that political crap.

He has tons of videos on depression, suicide, motivation, just basically anything to do with ways to help you improve your life. The one that truly made me make the decision to start making changes is one in which he talks about 5 factors that ultimately lead to depression and/or suicide. These include.... substance abuse, lack of social circle, lack of intimate relationships, no job/structure/goal, and additional health problems. He says that in his experience in in working with people with depression is that if you suffer from 3 of those problems it is nearly impossible to overcome. I have 4. I do have a job, but it's a meaningless job and the only structure I have is going to work and back home to lay on the couch or go to bed. So you can see I have 4 out of 5. I don't have any additional health problems....YET.

So you can see how when, what I consider to be, one of the smartest men in the world say something like that it's horrifying. Because I could always lie to myself and say that I would start changing later. I will post the link to that video as well.

My whole point in this is to say that I am closing in on 40 and I am in a worse situation than you. There is a very good chance I will never recover from this and it's going to end badly somehow, someway, with that either being dead, homeless, or in prison. So I believe that has shaken me enough to tell myself to at least try. I've started making daily goals to accomplish. It might something as simple as coming home from work and going walking, doing the dishes, and studyiing/reading. I probably won't do 95% of them most of the time but it's a step forward even if it's just 5% of the time. I have signed up for one of the thousands of online courses in computer programming I've always thought computer science was interesting. Now I'm not passionate about it but I'm working on that. I'm getting help for substance abuse and going to meetings/therapy and it's getting better. But I still have a long, long way to go and I may be in my 50's even if it does finally work out.

So what I'm saying to you is..... don't do what I have done. Change things now, not tomorrow, but right now. Do not tell yourself you will do it tomorrow. Even if it is going and cleaning your room and doing situps after you read this....anything. You still have some time to correct things and have a productive life and a family if you want it. More than likely I will never have my own family and that is extremely difficult to think about. If you were anything like me you probably used to think about getting married someday and starting a family and there is a very very good chance I will never have that now. There's a really good chance that I won't make it and be dead by the time I'm 50.

So that has motivated me enough for now to at least try for now. Time will only tell what ultimate happens as it is for everybody. You said you didn't suffer from depression so that means you have an excellent opportunity to make a change and take a different path. Good luck! I don't know anything about anything but if you ever need to talk to someone, send me a message. I would be happy to try and help even if it's just by listening. That goes for any other single person that reads this. We can do this!

I just noticed I actually posted a movie link I was watching at the time lol sorry...I corrected it lol
This is the link to the video I mentioned earlier and what I mentioned earlier about the 5 things starts about 2 and half minutes in.... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6c9Uu5eILZ8&amp;amp;t=326s
This is another one of just a ton of excellent videos..... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XICqcAac9jg&amp;amp;t=598s

Buy his book and read it as well..... https://www.amazon.com/12-Rules-Life-Antidote-Chaos/dp/0345816021/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&amp;amp;ie=UTF8&amp;amp;qid=1541126808&amp;amp;sr=1-2&amp;amp;keywords=jordan+peterson+12+rules+for+life

u/jp_books · 5 pointsr/NormMacdonald

You referenced a tweet from December. Unless you're looking for a reason to be angry at Andy Richter the Swedish-German there is no way that you see that tweet six months later.


&gt; Retard, read the post again.


Jordan Peterson wrote a pretty good book to help grown men who aren't able to deal with the stress of people disagreeing with them. https://www.amazon.com/12-Rules-Life-Antidote-Chaos/dp/0345816021

u/512165381 · 5 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

&gt; Called my wife

Engagement.

&gt; Pulled a knife on me

Domination.

&gt; So after my dad tells me "I'm done with you - don't call me anymore. I don't want you in my life."....he tells me right after that he's still going to be at my law school graduation ceremony???

Intermittent reinforcement.

&gt; What kind of person disowns their kid - but then also says

Chaos. The point is ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... there is no point.

https://i.imgur.com/5p70qCf.png

Concentrate on the word "chaos" in the picture above. Notice the cycle ... ... ... ... ... never ends. Its completely pointless and does nothing but waste your time.


https://www.amazon.com/12-Rules-Life-Antidote-Chaos/dp/0345816021/ref=asap_bc?ie=UTF8

Concentrate on the word "chaos" in the book above.

u/farewell_traveler · 5 pointsr/suggestmeabook

12 Rules for Life. I'm halfway through it myself, but thus far its proven to be an insightful read.

u/Buzz-Kill-Joy · 5 pointsr/asktrp

Seconded. I would also just add his book “12 rules for life” and his lecture series “Personality and its transformation

u/sethinthebox · 5 pointsr/slatestarcodex

It seems like your real question is how to deal with the anxiety of facing chaos. I choose drugs and alcohol, but I suppose you could try reading Peterson's book.

u/godmakesmesad · 5 pointsr/exchristian

Read this book, and keep it hidden from him

https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656

if he is a narcissist by the way no counseling in the world is going to have an affect. Especially if he is malignant. Silent treatments are a sign of emotional abuse and the manipulation too.

Buying the guns worry me too. Also the suicide thing is disturbing too. Please do not leave in a way that he knows or tell him you are leaving. This is a guy you need to start hiding the money and planning a way to vanish without him knowing it, like when he is at work. That is some advice Lundy gives. I can see him beating you or hurting you if you tried to leave. Religion to be frank to this guy is just a control mechanism over you, to guilt you. He may not even really believe in it himself, it is about CONTROL and the church systems back up the support and control of the little women. When my marriage had trouble around 10 years qgo--he lost his career and we were under severe economic pressures, the churches treated me like utter shit. we were near splitting up, we were able to get counseling, and have things work out, but in my case there was freedom of belief and 15 years of otherwise happy marriage, the marriage survived and grew stronger. I am not sure you have much to work with here. If he doesn't respect your beliefs and who you are, that is missing a core foundation.

u/cheribom · 5 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

This sounds scarily close to what my best friend was married to. Putdowns and insults (both public and private), locked in his office gaming most of the day, low self-esteem translating to "everyone else is a dumbass."

It finally ended with him waving a gun around in a drunken rage, with their 5-year-old son in his bedroom hearing everything and being scared that "Daddy was going to kill me and Mommy."

Get the fuck out of there now.

Edit: Read "Why Does He Do That?" and possibly "The Emotionally Abused Woman." You need to understand that pretty much every abused woman has made the same excuses for her partner that you do. What he's doing is not okay.

u/fem_fatale3 · 5 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes


The book " why does he do that" is really good and can help you to not fall for the manipulations. it also gives clear guidance on how to avoid and get out of those relationships

http://www.amazon.ca/Does-Inside-Minds-Angry-Controlling/dp/0425191656

u/her_nibs · 5 pointsr/stepparents

You might refer her to Lundy Bancroft's site -- lots of resources for mothers dealing with fathers looking for custody for the wrong reasons -- and his book. If her parenting has been good and her ex is really out for revenge -- and a man who ignores his kid for years and then deludes himself into thinking he should suddenly start doing loads of parenting is usually a dick -- they may be helpful.

If "says he'd never been interested until now, that he was an absent father" is accurate -- that makes things rather different than "a child with two parents, ideally with both of them loving that child, and it's about providing a stable home." My daughter is 9, hasn't seen her father since she was 4 and they were generally not happy visits, and I was very fortunate in court; he had screwed up enough and demonstrably enough that she's protected from him later trying to decide he's a "father." Which he is not. If there was the option for him to make a bid for custody now, and he did, my kid would be terrified, and I can't tell you what a strung-out mess I'd be. This is a guy who was abusive towards both of us and who chooses to be a deadbeat. The potential for forgiveness is long gone.

&gt; Why on earth would you NOT want a father who tries to fight for access to their child?

Where was he up until now...? Parents, real parents, do not get to pick and choose when they are and are not going to be active in their child's life. It causes a lot of damage to the child if you're a 'parent' who buggers off for a spell, and if you're the parent left parenting solo with the traumatised child, it does, to me, make sense to stop viewing the abandon-er as a parental figure. The only good thing my ex has done for my child in the last five years is to leave us alone.

Perhaps there are unique and exceptional extenuating circumstances here, but from what can be packed into a reddit post, I'm on you're friend's side.

u/sage_in_the_garden · 5 pointsr/ftm

Whooooa, whoa whoa. Your partner is abusive. Like, full stop. Abusive.

A) gaslighting, B) controlling your body, C) intentionally setting limits on who/what/how you can be.

A non-abusive partner does not have control over what medicine you take, how you cut your hair, what you wear. It's not a right to do any of that. Yes, a healthy relationship involves talking with the other partner, but a partner has a right to voice their concerns so that a consensus can be reached -- it doesn't involve dictating what the other can or can't do.

A non-abusive partner doesn't tell you what YOU'RE feeling. You are the person feeling it. Not them.

A non-abusive partner doesn't make ultimatums, and they certainly don't do it in such a manipulative way. Your partner knows exactly what he's doing, and it's pretty fucked up.

Unfortunately, there is no good answer for this other than a) talk to a therapist if you're not already. b) start planning an escape. I'm serious about that. a controlling partner means you're at risk for violence and coercion when you try to leave.

Please take me seriously on that. You owe an abusive partner NOTHING. You do not need to tell him that you're leaving. You do not need to tell him that you want to end the relationship. Please get out of your relationship. And be careful.

PS this is a good resource: https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656 / http://www.escapeabuse.com/?p=83 (excerpts from the book).

u/eukomos · 5 pointsr/GradSchool

Nonononono that is him being emotionally abusive, not you. That is a textbook example. You are doing normal, social things and he's trying to isolate you from other people who could support you should your relationship with him go south. Everything you're saying in this thread sounds like stuff an emotional abuser would say to you. You're the one who's really emotionally abusive? He's given up his dreams for you? If you leave him he'll have nothing? This is 100% the standard type of thing that an emotionally abusive partner says. It is not you. It's him.

He is probably a good person in some ways and I'm sure has done many positive things for you. I know you love him and that's totally valid. But this is classic emotional abuse. Please talk to someone, maybe a counselor at your school's health center? Make an appointment and just tell them what you've told us. Don't tell him about it, just make the appointment during normal working hours and go by and talk to a professional in person, I also highly recommend the book Why Does He Do That? which is one of the clearest explanations of abusive behavior in a romantic partner I've ever read. Also do not keep that at home where he can see it. I'm really pretty scared for you, please be careful.

u/yishengqingwa666 · 5 pointsr/ExNoContact

Read "Why Does He Do That?" It will help you gain LOTS of insight on abusive men like your ex, and help you spot the red flags in the future.

https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656

u/KrissyNovacaine · 5 pointsr/mypartneristrans

I've been in an open relationship for about 9 years.

There's no right or wrong answer. Everyone has to figure out what works for them. We tell each other everything and almost exclusively date and play together. Others do everything separately.

Read this book: https://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X

And maybe this one: https://www.amazon.com/dp/1587613379/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_dp_ss_1?pf_rd_p=1944687762&amp;amp;pf_rd_s=lpo-top-stripe-1&amp;amp;pf_rd_t=201&amp;amp;pf_rd_i=157344295X&amp;amp;pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&amp;amp;pf_rd_r=YCQ4324KQD8W090HRZTG

But absolutely the first one.

You need to be able to talk about everything. Deepest fears, expectations, fantasies. Open, honest communication is so important to making this work. Good, clear, respectful boundaries and guidelines help as well.

u/ellemenopeaqu · 5 pointsr/BDSMcommunity

/u/ScientistInTheSheets is dead on, you need to see the person as more than a sex object. Not saying you are, but it's an easy trap to fall into. You'll hear things about unicorn hunting and hot-bi-babes for a reason. While some folks are happy to jump in a bed, that's a vulnerable act for many of us, and we want to know where we will stand in the morning. Developing friendships is really helpful there.

Honest communication throughout is really important, between everyone involved.

Knowing what you're looking for - sexy time fun or a romantic partner? For you or both of you? Kinky or more vanilla? One time thing or ongoing? I understand your SO is not being super communicative, but this is stuff you really want to discuss before hand. And then discuss some more.



Opening Up by Tristan Taormino is a good read on consensual nonmonogamy and has many different perspectives on the subject.

u/wolfsboi · 5 pointsr/askgaybros

Talk talk talk. That's the secret to any relationship - esp poly.

Poly means different things to different people. There is no one correct way. Poly is what you and partners decide it is. Everyone has different reasons about why they are poly.

Personally, I think that it is cruel to expect everything I want from one person. I have enough love to share and my lovers all have different roles in my life. I tired poly when I was not ready and got consumed by jealousy and relationship drama. We make mistakes and we learn. It takes a LOT of emotional maturity, patience, and trust to be in a healthy poly relationship. Poly is not for everyone and it doesn't need to be. Nothing wrong with monogamy if that's your thing.

I think people are more fascinated with the idea of poly. And reality is not always that glamorous. So many people want a quick peep into the lifestyle. The taboo is alluring. But many people also cannot get over the possessiveness and insecurity. No matter how secure you are in yourself and how strong your relationship is, being in a real life poly situation will bring up insecurities and challenge your relationship. If you both work on it together, you will become more close and trusting of each other. It can also drive a wedge between you both.

I would also suggest any of the the below books.

u/onestojan · 5 pointsr/slatestarcodex

Some books that come to mind:

u/Krolokko · 5 pointsr/JordanPeterson

Np, unfortunately most therapists are not very educated about complex trauma, so I would advice you to do some research and see if you get along well before picking one (if you have the opportunity). Same guy has an article about finding a therapist, which could be helpful.

Yes, it's very validating seeing how your past and current problems are all interconnected. Makes you feel less of a freak. I'm posting some book recommendations in case you would like to know more. Just reading one of them will help you a long way in understanding why you are the way you are:

Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker

The Drama of the Gifted Child by Alice Miller

Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors by Janina Fisher

u/HazyDreamLikeState · 5 pointsr/Schizoid

Treatment of Schizoid Personality Disorder:

https://search.proquest.com/openview/10cb591b9eb8147e5881ffc5bb279e66/1?pq-origsite=gscholar&amp;cbl=18750&amp;diss=y

Youtuber I came across that I think is pretty spot on:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-XXIxPLPWMc

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wyu3xQHCVGc

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X25gKl3QPhU

Most material on SPD is pretty old so I personally don't really bother with it. You are better off focusing on CPTSD and the freeze response as there is much more material on that. I'd recommend Pete Walker's book:

https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842

u/a_good_username_ · 5 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

Hi there. I'm sorry you're going through those dark and self-hating thoughts. A big part of working through an abusive and neglectful childhood, I think, is working through getting rid of that nasty inner voice that talks to you the way your parents/bullies did. Perhaps you could read the book on complex PTSD by Pete Walker talks about this quite a bit, if you have the stomach for reading it at the moment. Otherwise, I think you are not useless, that it will get easier, and that you can do this. It sounds like you have a lot of anger and frustration and sadness that has be pent up. Maybe you could confess your anger here or even to yourself when you're alone.

u/WalkThroughTheRoom · 5 pointsr/ptsd

I just wanted to suggest EMDR from a trauma informed therapist. It is good for PTSD &amp; childhood trauma. I was sexually abused for years as a child and I have not been able to do as much EMDR as I would like, but the sessions I had were helpful. Sorry for my poor linking skills and I wish you well...

http://www.emdr.com/what-is-emdr/

This is a good book that I have found helpful as well:
https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;amp;qid=1521937930&amp;amp;sr=8-1&amp;amp;keywords=Cptsd

u/flwrchild1013 · 5 pointsr/CPTSD

I recently started seeing a trauma specialist for help with the panic attacks and lingering anxiety symptoms. She taught me "mindful drinking" (which I know sounds hilarious). Take a sip of cold water. Notice the temperature. Hold it on top of your tongue for 5 seconds, then move under your tongue for 5 seconds. Notice how it feels in your mouth. Swallow. See if you notice anything different about the taste/temperature. Take another sip of water. This time hold for 5 seconds in one cheek, and 5 seconds in the other cheek. See if you notice anything different about the taste/temperature. This exercise brings my heart-rate down significantly. The therapist told me that your saliva actually adds alkalinity to the water, which decreases your body's stress response. Plus it gives you something physical to focus on.

Also, I know I usually start to worry about the symptoms of the flashbacks and that's what turns everything into an anxiety attack. Reassure yourself that you're just having an emotional flashback, that you've had them before, and you'll be okay. To be totally honest, I hug myself and rock myself gently. I think Pete Walker would see this as soothing my inner child. I have found his book very helpful, and also Dare by Barry McDonagh. His book claims to end anxiety and panic attacks. I haven't found that to be the case, but I have found some very helpful tips and techniques for dealing with them.

u/realslacker · 5 pointsr/AskMenOver30

The book Models: Attract Women Through Honesty changed my outlook on dating, and has really made a difference in how I approch it. I also got a lot out of The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts, as far as recognising my own needs and those of my partners.

Good luck with the meds, it can be life changing to finally find something like that out.

u/jeghn · 5 pointsr/relationship_advice

It seems like he must tie sex into love and self image. It must reassure him in some way about the relationship. Are there other things you can do to reassure him of your interest? Have you read this? Maybe if he's getting fulfilled in other ways a slight drop in sexual encounters won't be as big of a problem?

u/Joghu · 5 pointsr/relationships

Reading this i'm pretty sure that you both indeed DO love each others. You seek for advise, he says he loves you. Maybe it is just a misunderstanding and/or different ways of expressing love? What i can really recommend because it helped myself is Gary Chapmans book about the five languages of love: http://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-That-Lasts/dp/0802473156/ref=pd_sim_b_1

I have nothing to do with him so this is not ment as advertisment (just in case anyone suspect this).


I wish you both good luck to find back a way of expressing your love! Hope you can solve it together and hope you feel loved and appreciated again!

u/Lady_Sex_Shampoo · 5 pointsr/funny

An honestly pretty great book about love relationships.

I highly recommend reading it. It's not the "end all, be all" of how to express love to your partner, but goddamnit it's a fantastic place to start.

u/habbathejutt · 5 pointsr/Christianity

Two books I would recommend are:

Dating Delilah by Judah Smith


Love Languages by Gary Chapman


Both of these have a lot of good insight on having a healthy relationship with your significant other while staying focused on God. I do caution you not to take either of these books as the dating gospel or anything like that. I'll be the first to admit that both contain things that I don't agree with and/or find helpful. However, on the whole, I think both authors give terrific insight on the issue, and despite the things I don't like, I will happily recommend them to anybody seeking Christian dating advice.

u/Innerpiece · 5 pointsr/rawdenim

I've had issues relating to depression and anxiety for well over 15 years. I actually quit drinking 4 years ago in part because of how it would throw me for these emotional roller-coaster rides that drove me down even further. Things have gotten much better and I've sought help but its still a daily process for me, which is now much more manageable. For some reason a long time ago I developed a stigma against myself in that I believe I'm weak for not being able to handle and "control" these issues, but that couldn't be further from the truth. There is a large sense in relief in accepting it as part of who you are and as condition you can learn to live with. I would encourage you to seek professional help, and to keep an open mind. For me relief didn't come in the form of medication, but through other practices such as meditation, building a support group, seeking spiritual growth, and learning how to identify and communicate effectively when this is starting to take me for a ride. I have found the writings of Viktor Frankl to be my inspiration - though nothing ever changed for me by just reading a book... its the actions I have taken as a result that have really helped. I feel for you, and I wish you the best.

u/shaansha · 5 pointsr/Entrepreneur

I love the crap out of books. One of life's greatest joys is learning and books are such an excellent way to do it.

Business books you should read:

  • Zero To One by Peter Thiel - Short, awesome ideas and well written.

  • My Startup Life by Ben Casnocha. Ben's a super sharp guy. Learn from him. He started a company in his teens. He was most recently the personal 'body man' for Reid Hoffman (founder of LinkedIn)

  • The Lean Startup by Eric Reis - Fail fast and fail early. Build something, test, get feedback, and refine.

    Non Business Books (That Are Essential To Business

  • Money Master The Game by Tony Robbins - I am a personal finance Nerd Extraordinaire and I thought Tony Robbins was a joke. Boy was I wrong. Hands down the best personal finance book I've ever read. Period.

  • Meditations by Marcus Aurelius. Ever seen Gladiator? This is the REAL Roman Emperor behind Russel Crowe's character. This book was his private diary.

  • Man's Search For Meaning by Victor Frankl - Hands down one of the most profound and moving books ever written. Victor was a psychologist and survived the Nazi training camps

    As a way of background I have newsletter where I share proven case studies of successful entrepreneurs. I outline step by step how they made money and got freedom from their day job. If you’re interested let me know and I can PM you the link to the newsletter or if you have any questions.
u/IceSkatingElephant · 5 pointsr/LawSchool

Can’t recommend Man’s Search For Meaning enough if you’re looking for a quality self-help book

u/AgnosticKierkegaard · 5 pointsr/askphilosophy

If you want to read a philosophically oriented book that might actually help you feel better you should read Victor Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning.

https://www.amazon.com/Mans-Search-Meaning-Viktor-Frankl/dp/080701429X

u/zenofnursing · 5 pointsr/nursing

Schedule the minimum number of days, get good sleep/nutrition/workouts, practice mindfulness meditation (https://www.samharris.org/blog/item/how-to-meditate), remind yourself each day of the best parts of your job and the learning opportunities you'll encounter. Remember that even though you have these negative feelings, they are FEELINGS, not reality. Watch them as they come and don't try to suppress them, simply resolve to do your job to the best of your ability and know that they will pass in time. We all go through these rough spots (the dark night of the nurse's soul, perhaps?), and it feels like the worst when you're in the midst of it, but hang tight! I highly recommend reading up on stoicism, a brand of philosophy that emphasizes inner contentment regardless of external circumstances. This book is a great primer: https://smile.amazon.com/Guide-Good-Life-Ancient-Stoic/dp/0195374614/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&amp;amp;qid=1478483075&amp;amp;sr=8-3&amp;amp;keywords=stoicism

u/Shoeshine-Boy · 5 pointsr/TrueAtheism

Personal research, mostly. I'm a big history nerd with a slant toward religion and other macabre subject matter. I'm actually not as well read as I'd like to be on these subjects, and I basically blend different sources into a knowledge smoothie and pour it out onto a page and see what works for me and what doesn't.

I'll list a few books I've read that I enjoyed. There are certainly more here and there, but these are the "big ones" I was citing when writing all the comments in this thread. I typically know more about Christianity than the other major faiths because of the culture around me.

Christianity: The First Three Thousand Years - Diarmaid MacCulloch

A History of God: The 4,000-Year Quest of Judaism, Christianity and Islam - Karen Armstrong

The next two balance each other out quite well. Hardline anti-theism contrasted with "You know, maybe we can make this work".

The Case for God - Karen Armstrong

The God Delusion - Richard Dawkins



Lately, I have been reading the Stoics, which like Buddhism, I find to be one of the more personally palatable philosophies of mind I have come across, although I find rational contemplation a bit more accessible to my Westernized nature.

Stoic Philosophy of Seneca: Essays and Letters - Translated by Moses Hadas

Discourses and Selected Writings (of Epictetus) - Translated by Robert Dobbin

The Meditations of Marcus Aurelius - Translated by George Long

I'm still waiting on Fed Ex to deliver this one:

A Guide to the Good Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy - William B. Irvine

Also, if you're into history in general, a nice primer for what sorts of things to dive into when poking around history is this fun series on YouTube. I usually watch a video then spend a while reading more in depth about whatever subject is covered that week in order to fill the gaps. Plus, John and Hank are super awesome. The writing is superb and I think, most importantly, he presents an overall argument for why studying history is so important because of its relevance to current events.

Crash Course: World History - John Green

u/CoachAtlus · 5 pointsr/streamentry

This would be an excellent subject for a standalone post: Pragmatic dharma's take on child rearing.

I've found that Fred Rogers was the ultimate master in this regard. Although he was Christian, he didn't discuss religion or religious topics on his show. Instead, he focused on basic principles of morality -- loving oneself and one's neighbor, kindness, allowing one's feelings and being respectful of the feelings of others, and so on. (Daniel Tiger, the modern manifestation of Fred Rogers' excellent program is equally quality.)

We try and follow the Fred Rogers school in my house as best we can. Apart from that, here are some of the other things we have worked on:

  • The importance of "ohana" or family; not just our immediate family, but a family that includes all creatures and all beings. (Lilo and Stitch is an excellent movie for teaching this principle.)
  • An emphasis on work and service over pleasure seeking. Work and service are "healthy foods" in life; movies, shows, and games are "dessert" that we enjoy as rare treats only if we've gotten our work done. (This principle must be taught by example, obviously. If you're preaching about work but spend all day on Netflix or grinding ranks in League of Legends, it won't work -- children have a keen eye for hypocrisy).
  • Dharma in the rough. Enjoying the song "Don't worry, be happy." I emphasize Buddha's parable of the two arrows in as many ways as possible. I love the beginning of this song, which goes something like: "Every life will have some trouble, but when we worry we make it double." Finding dharma in accessible pop culture that children enjoy is always like finding a diamond. I love sharing these things with the kid.
  • Not shying away from religion. We tell stories about the ancient masters, whether that's Fred Rogers, the Buddha, or Jesus. Kids love these stories, and there's a reason why the world's ancient religions are the world's ancient religions, even if human ignorance has corrupted the teachings at times. Delve back into those teachings and share them in a way that comports with whatever wisdom you have developed. My kid is five years old, and here is what he knows about "God" based on what I have told him (and this is a delicate conversation because his mom and mom's husband are scientific-materialist atheists with a nihilistic bent):
    • God is like a loving papa, a warm, loving presence that never leaves him.
    • My idea of "God" (see above) is just an idea and cannot fully capture the essence of "God" that goes beyond words or ideas or our imagination.
    • The best way to know if somebody really knows God is to tell them that their idea of "God" is stupid and see how they react. If they laugh, there's a chance they know God. If they respond with kindness, there's a chance they know God. If they get angry, they do not know God (as I have defined him). (He then told me my idea of God was stupid, and I told him: "Well done.") (N.B.: This may be terrible advice, but somehow I was moved to share it...)
  • Growth mindset. If you're not familiar with the concept of "growth mindset," I recommend Carol Dweck's book by this name. Carol is a Stanford researcher who has studied two mindset archetypes -- growth and fixed mindsets. Growth mindset is the belief that our qualities are not fixed, and we can grow through right effort and diligence. Fixed mindset is the belief that our qualities are fixed at birth, and we cannot change them. These mindsets fall along a spectrum, and one person may apply different mindsets to different areas of their life (intelligence, athletic ability, artistic ability). Research has consistently shown that fixed mindsets lead to negative outcomes, and growth mindsets lead to positive outcomes. Here is an example of the different mindsets expressed as statements. Preaching growth mindset is transformative. Failures and mistakes become a celebration for learning. "Being good" is de-emphasized: applying practice and effort toward a goal is cherished. It gives the household a chance to rally around the idea of constant growth, individually and as a family.
  • Family dinners. A great ritual to emphasize the family values. We aim to always share our "rose and thorn" of the day, state one thing we're all grateful for, explain an act of kindness that we performed, and talk about a mistake we made and what we learned from it. Depending on the night, the kid might be more or less in the mood to share, but again, a great time to emphasize values.

    Anyhow, just some ideas for you based on my experience and practice with this bit of dharma. :)
u/smackthisaccountdown · 5 pointsr/acting

Read mindset. This is where your pressure could be coming from. You are suffering from a fixed mindset, and the stress that you must "prove" you're the great performer you "always were". Instead, if you change your mindset to a growth mindset, and focus on being adaptable, working hard, being kind, and taking the classes in order to become a better performer, you'll be a much stronger actor for it (and less of an ass). I learned this the hard way, took me 2 years and it was ALMOST too late for me to turn my shit around, but I caught it just in time to make my college's showcase -&gt; go to LA -&gt; land a manager and agency and get my SAG-AFTRA card and blah blah blah this Friday I'm auditioning for HBO, you feel? Also, go to the gym. Most colleges have one on campus, or join a Planet Fitness for $10/month. It is time for you to take ownership of your life.

u/erichf3893 · 5 pointsr/humblebrag

I had a very similar situation (didn’t think I was the smartest in the room, but did well without studying). Not quite as great on paper but still got into what is considered a decent school by many. It’s quite the rude awakening when you think you can just fly by the seat of your pants in uni. I was able to get my shit together and graduate with a 3.1 (not great, but still got my degree), so if this was recently and you’re thinking of giving up, please don’t! It can be done.

I highly suggest checking out this book https://www.amazon.com/Mindset-Psychology-Carol-S-Dweck/dp/0345472322

Obviously a book isn’t going to immediately solve all your problems, but I found it incredibly helpful and eye opening. Parts are pretty interesting but overall it isn’t the most entertaining read. It is a pretty quick read though if you power through, it’s just that certain sections are boring and repetitive.

u/Desmond_Jones · 5 pointsr/AskWomen

Failure is the best education tool. You should check out Mindset by Carol Dweck. The ebook and audiobooks are available on piratebay.

u/br0wnp0w · 5 pointsr/cscareerquestions

Building on that. Read https://www.amazon.com/Mindset-Psychology-Carol-S-Dweck/dp/0345472322, seriously. I stopped using "I'm bad at X" as an excuse after reading.

u/0hypothesis · 5 pointsr/INTP

There's a difference between being "smart" and gaining knowledge and skills, as you seem to be hinting at.

A highly-recommended book on this topic is Mindset by Carol Dweck.

u/TheGMan323 · 5 pointsr/gamedev
u/sh0rug0ru · 5 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

Read this book, Getting Things Done.

u/Dingusaurus__Rex · 5 pointsr/askdrugs

Read The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg. Do that before anything. Write out your goals in great details. Consider this book also, for getting things done. I would consider another shroom trip with the exact intention you have here. Sit in silence for a while, journal what you want to change, then trip. 18, however common, is a dangerous time to start depending on stims, and they won't give you wisdom. Especially if you don't have a plan. Sure, you'll probably feel great and may improve for a while, but its so damn easy for it to end up worse. There's countless stories of that. If you do go that route, I strongly believe in the advice that you plan out EXACTLY what you will do before you take stims. Also, hang out with people who are living the way you want to live.

u/productivitygeek · 5 pointsr/productivity

Have you tried Todoist? That's where I went after Wunderlist :)

As far as GTD, you may want to read David Allen's book - https://www.amazon.com/Getting-Things-Done-Stress-Free-Productivity/dp/0142000280

It's very interesting and helpful.

u/Mdofrock · 5 pointsr/engineering

You most certainly do not need PM software for your to-do list.

I struggled with this for a long time. I highly recommend Getting Things Done by David Allen - Amazon Link.

I ended up settling on MS OneNote to keep track of everything in my life. The desktop version is very powerful, and the mobile app is good for review and short notes on the go.

WARNING: It is very easy to go overboard with organizing with the GTD method. It took me a long time to get it running smoothly (David Allen suggests a full 2 years before you reap the full benefits), but now I have all of my Tasks, Projects, Someday/Maybe's, and various levels of Goals for work and home neatly organized and out of my head.

If that is too much here is a much more simple method for the short term. Grab a notebook and write down everything you have to do. As for prioritizing, pick 2-4 things you absolutely have to get done tomorrow and write those on a separate piece of paper. Repeat this daily.

u/analogdude · 5 pointsr/Entrepreneur

Some would say I read too much, but I really enjoyed:

founders at work: Steve Wozniak (Apple), Caterina Fake (Flickr), Mitch Kapor (Lotus), Max Levchin (PayPal), and Sabeer Bhatia (Hotmail) tell you in their own words about their surprising and often very funny discoveries as they learned how to build a company. (This is one of my favorite books ever!)

the art of the start:Kawasaki provides readers with GIST-Great Ideas for Starting Things-including his field-tested insider's techniques for bootstrapping, branding, networking, recruiting, pitching, rainmaking, and, most important in this fickle consumer climate, building buzz.

the innovator's dilemma: Focusing on “disruptive technology,” Christensen shows why most companies miss out on new waves of innovation. Whether in electronics or retailing, a successful company with established products will get pushed aside unless managers know when to abandon traditional business practices. Using the lessons of successes and failures from leading companies, The Innovator’s Dilemma presents a set of rules for capitalizing on the phenomenon of disruptive innovation.



And in terms of getting your life together to the point where you are responsible enough to lead others, I would highly suggest Getting Things Done by David Allen

u/alphabeta49 · 5 pointsr/marriedredpill

Stoicism in the classic sense (not the modern definition of emotionlessness) is actually a joyful practice because you realize how simple it is to enjoy the life you were made to live. I don't believe it contradicts RP necessarily, though I doubt many of the TRPers are anywhere close to being stoic. But the ability to address your own shit rather than blame and find the joy in life are very "RP" skills.

One of the best books for modern stoicism is A Guide To The Good Life. For those reading, check it out if you haven't already.

Owning your shit is the essence of Stoicism.

Also, the serenity prayer.

u/naasking · 5 pointsr/philosophy

The Guide to the Good Life for a practical approach with a little discussion of history.

u/somebear · 5 pointsr/programming

He was quoting from the article. The link refers to the book by Neil Strauss.

u/too_clever_username · 5 pointsr/books

Starting Strength, 3rd Edition by Mark Rippetoe.

Drink, Play, F@#k

Mindfulness in Plain English

The 48 Laws of Power

u/Supervisor194 · 5 pointsr/exjw

I felt exactly the same way and I think I even composed a post that read exactly like this one.

Now, 18 years out, I look at the whole world through this sort of lens. All religion is crazy in one way or another. Politics is crazy in the US mostly because of religious people.

If you haven't read them already, I have a couple of books to recommend. The Demon Haunted World by Carl Sagan and The 48 Laws of Power by Robert Greene. The former will help you be a healthy skeptic. The latter will help you not let the world take advantage of you.

Cheers!

u/wothy · 5 pointsr/consulting

Personally I've found there to be few helpful books which directly relate to management consulting / business strategy. The only one that I've found really helpful is:

  • Winning - an overall look on business strategies and philosophies used by Jack Welch (former CEO of GE)

    But here are some books that are very helpful in developing people / soft skills essential to effective consultants:

  • Getting to Yes - an incredible book on negotating skills.
  • How to Argue and Win Every Time - not as argumentative as it sounds, this is a great book which is hugely helpful on how to present your positions and how to get the best outcome for everyone in a situation.
  • Influence - brilliant book on the ways in which we are influenced to do things.
  • The 48 Laws of Power - a very Machiavellian put pragmatic look on the ways in which personal power is gained / lost.
  • Vital Lies, Simple Truths - how to recognise self deception that we're all prone to and how to overcome its limitations
  • The Blank Slate - a mindblowing book on human psychology and what we're naturally predisposed to be. Helps you to better understand people and their motivations in not just business but all aspects of life. Read from Part 2 onwards.
u/Bennu2017 · 5 pointsr/TheRedPill

I really like your point about everything having to be about you. I'm almost half way through Rules for Radicals and I can't support it enough. I think OP may be having issues with preconceptions about certain words or ideas. A word from Alinsky.

&gt; "Even the word politics itself, which Webster says is "the science and art of government," is generally viewed in a context of corruption. Ironically, the dictionary synonyms are "discreet; providing, diplomatic, wise."


&gt; "The same discolorations attach to other words prevalent in the language of politics, words like power, self-interest, compromise, and conflict. They become twisted and warped, viewed as evil. Nowhere is the prevailing political illiteracy more clearly revealed than in these typical interpretations of words. "

He goes on to shed those words in a positive light and I can't recommend his book enough. I really like when OP said

&gt; "Its all fucking fake."

He's slowly realize life's a game and most people don't even realize they're playing. We have the rules now just do it

u/Clauderoughly · 5 pointsr/AskReddit

You don't

You need to sit your GF down and get her to read an awesome book

Toxic Parents


You can't do much but she needs to stand up to her folks.

They are dysfunctional alchs who need help, and by keeping them in her life as they are, she is enabling them.



u/awkward_chrysalis · 5 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

Therapy should work if they're willing to get it AND stick it out.... ....it's the getting them to therapy consistently that's the hard part. Hahaha...

Plus the therapist has to be a stranger to them. I've heard of it where the N caregiver hooks up with one of their buddy-buddies - which is supposed to be a big no-no in therapy anyway. But if they get their buddy-buddy involved they can just steer the therapy in their own direction.


Most alternative approach: The book ["Toxic Parents"] (http://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553381407) provides a guideline for confrontation if you're willing to go that route. In practice, it's risky though, and you have to do it for the right reasons (for yourself. Not to be mean or to troll, but to state your case &amp; then be ready to accept whatever their reaction is.)

u/anon_e_mous9669 · 5 pointsr/internetparents

My wife and I both read the [5 Love Languages] (https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X) book from the library. It really helps with examining the way you express love and also helps identify how others express it. If you're both the same, then it's pretty easy, but it gets a little difficult when you are different (which is most people). If nothing else it's been helpful at just training you to think about things like showing love in a format that your partner is most receptive to and helps a little with communication across styles.

u/Sandmint · 5 pointsr/Marriage

You don't sound like a spoiled brat. You want him to put thought and effort into speaking your love language. To him, gifts are just stuff. To you, they're an expression of love, intention, and care. You want him to care about the thought behind gift giving instead of "here ya go if I remember" and moving on. Talk to him about gifts being your love language. Think about picking up a copy of The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts. A lot of people recommend it and it seems to really help with that kind of communication.

u/calenlass · 5 pointsr/JUSTNOMIL

NeverHappy aside, if you are ever in a slump and having a hard time digging yourself out, I have had really good results with the Feeling Good Handbook my shrink recommended me (I'm not much for most self-help stuff; this is the only real book we ever talked about). I have dysthymia, which is basically the opposite of yours, but a lot of the cyclical thinking of depression is universal. It's essentially the basics of modern Cognitive Behavior Therapy, outlined with worksheets and practical exercises, by the psychologist who pioneered it. I go back and flip through it every once in awhile because I find I have lapsed, and I take away something new or that I totally forgot about every time.

I am SO glad she is that much less of a contributing factor in your life, though. That is definitely a win! 2 years is amazing!

u/girlziplocked · 5 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

I've never been shy. But one thing you said made me compelled to comment. "Because I was afraid they didn't actually want me there."

I think everyone has this fear, not just shy people. I'm always terrified of this. And part of it is my depressive mindset. I started cognitive behavioral therapy a year ago, and it's really helpful for exactly this kind of scenario. What you're doing, according to CBT, is fortune-telling and mindreading. You're assuming people don't like you. You're predicting they will dislike you. You don't have real evidence to support these ideas, but you keep telling yourself them over and over again, right?

There's a book I'd highly recommend you read called The Feeling Good Handbook. It's a primer in CBT and helps you talk yourself out of these kind of moments where you're shutting yourself down and thinking negatively about yourself ("No one here likes me.")

u/towerofcrows · 5 pointsr/occult

Some books to check out: Toxic Parents by Susan Forward and Psychic Self-Defense by Dion Fortune. Both books are easy enough to find in pdf format, and are very applicable to this situation.

u/Trazac · 5 pointsr/pcmasterrace
u/zehjwqvno · 5 pointsr/relationship_advice

Read this book:

Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0894864025/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_WMkIDbR8Z9PP1

u/otitropanit · 5 pointsr/AlAnon

Get this book: Codependent No More

This will serve as a warning for what you might go through, and help you to avoid codependent behavior before you start it. I displayed codependent behavior with my addict for a full 2 years before I knew what it was. I just thought I was going crazy! This book was a lifesaver.

I'm so sorry that this is happening.

u/BackroomBiscuit · 5 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

Have you checked out [Codependent no more]
(http://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025/)? It may be what you are looking for.

u/direwolfed · 5 pointsr/relationships

IMO, when someone is acting out with anger they are actually manipulating those around them with the "survival tools" that they learned at a young age. Like a 5 year old screaming for what they want till they get it. Your parents are responsible for the nature of the relationship that they have with your sister. There is nothing you can do about Brandi if she is set in her ways and always reacts like a self centered adult screaming for control.

I think that the solution is in telling you parents to stop treating her like a child and more as an adult. She is 21 and the nurturing stage of parenting is done. They are now causing harm rather then helping her for the real world. Do not sit and listen to what your parents complain. Rather, let them know that they are allowing this in their lives (do it lovingly of coarse). You might even want to buy them this book, it has helped me set my own boundaries and learn to nurture my relationships in a healthy constructive manner. Giving me the courage to allow the ones I love to grow on their own while remaining loving and supportive without hurting myself.

u/Firefly-ssa · 5 pointsr/findapath

Dude. You're doing well. Keep experimenting. Also. I just found the book and ordered it today: https://www.amazon.com/Good-They-Cant-Ignore-You/dp/1455509124
You might be facing what I faced, jumping from job because the job didn't seem fulfilling enough. Could that be the case?

u/ibopm · 5 pointsr/getdisciplined

I'm going to recommend you a book here: Cal Newport's So Good They Can't Ignore You. If it's too expensive to buy, go check it out at your local library for free.

It's a short read and it'll put you on the right direction to a much better life. If you are REALLY lazy and don't want to read a book at all, I'll tell you what you need to know in one sentence:

&gt; Keep developing rare and valuable skills and you will never go hungry.

Here's a good detailed summary and review from entrepreneur Derek Sivers: https://sivers.org/book/SoGood

u/dataphysicist · 5 pointsr/datascience

Nope it's not. Analytics is a huge field, even if many of the blog posts and the coverage focuses on advanced machine learning and AI.

It's actually really wise to have a lifestyle in mind that you want to get to. This book - https://www.amazon.com/Good-They-Cant-Ignore-You/dp/1455509124 - provides a really good framework for thinking about how to get to your life style in any career / skill category. You can tour the author's blog to get a preview of some of the ideas - http://calnewport.com/blog/

His book and framework is especially great because it helps you cut through the noise (there's TONS of noise around how data science / analytics is covered, ironically) and will help you figure out the specific things you should focus on, etc. It's just a 3 hour read, but very helpful.

u/RandomBanana007 · 5 pointsr/weddingplanning

Obligatory link to Gift of Fear. I know this isn't directly related to the question you're asking, but it could really help you in future situations to learn to trust your gut and protect yourself against predators, which Mike definitely is.

u/annalatrina · 5 pointsr/exmormon

You need to get treatment for your anxiety. In healthy people, “trusting your gut” can be very helpful (especially for women and children) There is a book called The Gift of Fear that is amazing. It talks about learning to distinguish the instincts you should trust from the noise. We are frequently socialized to disregard when someone is making us uneasy, we need to pay attention to that feeling.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0440508835/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_OwtJBbTTJNGM0

u/amphetaminelogic · 5 pointsr/SRSWomen

Does she like to read? I often recommend "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker. It's kind of a life changer, and lays out how to better protect yourself in a no nonsense, very clear way.

You could offer her a copy, say you thought she might like to read it since she's going to be out on her own now, and use the date rape thing as an example of why. That way, the date rape thing sneaks in while you're giving her the book, and then the advice is coming from the book, not you. If that makes sense.

u/stef_bee · 5 pointsr/politics

&gt;I heard Machala say that his faith in Trump didn’t falter after the release of the Access Hollywood tape, which shows Trump making misogynist comments about women.

&gt;I was so upset, I had to run out of the room to calm myself down. After a few minutes of deep breaths, I realized that he felt as strongly about his beliefs as I do about mine and I should respect him.

This is very frustrating to read. A young girl was clearly given "The Gift of Fear;" reacted strongly to a 22 year old man right in front of her defending sexual predatory behavior and assault; got physically sick from it - as she should have - and then rationalized it away.

She does not "have to respect him," because him saying that to the class clearly shows that he doesn't respect her.

u/influencethis · 5 pointsr/OkCupid

Be as strict as you feel like. Trust your gut. If someone is pushing you into more contact than you think is appropriate, tell them to stop. It doesn't matter who it is or how many/few things they do before they reach it. You're the best at knowing when something isn't right.

I'd recommend reading The Gift of Fear to help you learn to trust your instincts. It's wonderful for de-programming the "girls must always be nice no matter what" mentality out of you.

u/0xd4e · 5 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

/u/nezxmi call 1-800-273-8255 if in the US and read this book:
https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-Handbook-David-Burns/dp/0452281326

And please report back and pm me if you want to talk to someone.

u/ima7up · 5 pointsr/mentalhealth

Read the Feeling Good Handbook if you can get it. One particular thing that helped me from that book was learning that emotions are a byproduct of our thoughts, not just the other way around. You have to catch your negative thoughts and let them go without letting the chain of negative thinking continue as best as you can. Seems impossible at first, but keep trying. It took me two weeks to stop this negative spiral of thinking and emotions.


Our unconscious mind takes cue and find pattern from our conscious mind. How I see it, is that generally the brain likes to be as efficient as possible. So if you regularly think negative thoughts, it knows to expect that state of mind so it creates it unconsciously for you. That can also be a powerful tool used partly for memory techniques as well btw.

First step is to catch yourself thinking negatively, then try to see the positive version of anything you were thinking about. At first it might feel like you're lying to yourself, but eventually the negative side of your thoughts eventually become the non-truth. Kind of difficult to explain I think, but the problem with depression and negative thoughts is that we believe the negativity. The negative future, no hope for ourselves, etc. And any positive thought is just bs. But we can retrain our mind to think positively and be on that side of the same coin.


Good luck to you.

u/weed_in_sidewalk · 5 pointsr/Stoicism

Sure there are. But probably with a different name.

Zen Shorts are one. It's a series of books with short Zen stories and illustrations for kids:
https://www.amazon.com/Zen-Shorts-Caldecott-Honor-Book/dp/0439339111/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;amp;qid=1486130149&amp;amp;sr=8-1&amp;amp;keywords=zen+shorts

Have You Filled a Bucket Today:
https://www.amazon.com/Have-Filled-Bucket-Today-Bucketfilling/dp/099609993X/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&amp;amp;ie=UTF8&amp;amp;qid=1486129860&amp;amp;sr=1-3&amp;amp;keywords=fill+a+bucket
lets kids know that it feels bad to others to bully, but that you can "fill others' buckets" by giving compliments and saying nice things.

Heck, most kids can even understand The 4 Agreements: https://www.amazon.com/Four-Agreements-Practical-Personal-Freedom/dp/1878424319/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;amp;qid=1486130060&amp;amp;sr=8-1&amp;amp;keywords=the+4+agreements

I'm sure there are quite a few others, but they are not coming to mind right now.

u/HornsOfApathy · 5 pointsr/marriedredpill

OYS #13

MRP journey is 7 months now.

Stats: 36 yo, 6’0, 152lbs (+0.0lb), 12.0% BF, married 3, together 6, kids 2 &amp; 12 (12yo mine from previous marriage)

Lifts : SL5x5: 215Q (265 2-rep max) / 235DL / 70 OHP / 165 BR / 130BP

My Mission?

Become the best version of who I am. Be an engaged father, a strong male role model to my son &amp; daughter, and lead my family to where we are going. Be the oak. *NEW MISSION ADDED* - Be a man that other men look up to.

Why am I here?

I’ve accepted a new mission to undo the shit I’ve done with honest effort. My family has been held hostage by my wife’s emotions. I have allowed all of this to happen.

Reading: Moving beyond TRP/MRP knowledge

NMMNG x3, MMSLP x2, Pook, SGM, Rationale Male, TWOTSM x6, 48 Laws of Power – 60% done

I spent most of last week in very serious meetings for work and traveling. Didn’t have a lot of time to do some reading, but I think I need to continue to go beyond the sidebar. The Four Agreements somehow made it to the top of my list which is a little more spiritual than MRP/TRP sidebar material.

Physical &amp; Lifting: OK

Lifted 3x this week heavy lifting, but then got sick and couldn’t finish my normal 4x routine. I did get the heavy lifts in which helped I think with my sickness.

Family: Things are starting to gel. Improvement!

Things appear to be remarkably better in just a week’s time and the needle is trying to move with both my wife and son. Most of the reason is that I managed to finally pass a main event. Read further in the relationship section for details on why the family is starting to gel, but this has been great progress.

As part of my vision for the future, I suggested about a week ago that we needed to get some blended family counseling. I’m aware of the pitfalls of marriage counseling and would never do it – but our family is a blended family and my wife has an extremely hard time dealing with my son since we cannot logistically move from the area we live in away from his biomom. I would be open to moving in about 6 years when he’s out of high school, but until then I have made the commitment to stay in this area. This causes my wife problems because she feels tied to the area for various reasons and non-reasons which causes problems. Add on top of that my son is a big Mr. Nice Guy and Momma’s boy to his biomom and you have a recipe where my wife has such great disdain for him.

My wife brought up blended family counseling to help deal with her problems with him after the main event. That was a good sign. I would also welcome books on dealing with blended families if anyone has suggestions.

My son also got in-school-suspension this week. First time he’s ever been in trouble. He made a funny yet snowflake sensitive comment to his buddies at school and it was overheard by the teacher. I thought it was kind of funny myself but didn’t let him see that. I had a long talk with him and didn’t punish him more but asked what he was going to do about it. We had a good bonding moment. He’s starting to come out of his shell more watching his father get strong in both the gym and outside of it. I’m pleased my son got in trouble! :fistbump:

Relationship: Main Event? Meet your challenger: the new HornsOfApathy


In my last OYS I wrote of how I was returning from a work trip that day to the main event. I will do a FR on this when I can gather my thoughts more but it basically went down like this:

The night before I was denied sex for the 3x in a row. That was unusual. I have managed to eliminate ALL butthurt now from rejections, and I could sense a shit test coming soon. I had no idea this would be the main event. I left Monday around 5am for a 2 night work trip.

Everything was fine until Tuesday. I called to check in on my wife around lunch since both her and the toddler were sick and could hear rushing and panic in her voice. I let her go and said goodbye – and moments later I got a text that said she was leaving me. The text read that she would be leaving before I got home, taking the toddler, leaving the dogs, told me to flush the fish, rings were on my nightstand, she wanted nothing in the house and she’d be bringing back my car soon.

My hamster went into overdrive but somehow I defeated it and I didn’t respond. Seven hours later I got a shit test about the garbage. Didn’t respond. Queue up 9:30pm and I get another shit test about being out at bars and her having no idea where I was when I traveled (mind you: I quit drinking all together about 3 months ago after a 4 beer a night habit and many work trip binge drinking). My hamster was flipping circles and then suddenly…. It stopped. I began to process that this was the main event and it was a battle that she wanted me to win.

From 10pm-12pm I got no less than 20 phone calls. Texts all in between them begging for me to call her, she was having a panic attack, and she begged me to call texting “I’m not mad!!!”. I realized that she was falling into my frame. I went to bed and slept very well and did not call.

I awoke and started my day as normal and got a text that she was going to call my job if I didn’t let her know I was OK (yeah right!). My DNGAF was turned up to an 11 and I went to get into the shower where I got 3 more phone calls. I realized that the first wave of the main event had passed and was now into comfort testing. I called her – she cried and was relieved – I asked her if she was alright (comfort) – she said she was worried sick about me and cried all night. I told her that I would see her that evening. Two minute phone conversation. She sounded embarrassed and said goodbye.

Finished work trip, got home with a HUGE smile on my face and cheery mood, she was anxious. She had her rings on. Put the kid to bed, she asked to talk. I said that was fine, but let’s go into another room to talk. There, she explained to me that there was one thing that stuck out in her mind that I’ve said to her before: “You need to be vulnerable.” She opened up to me finally (she never overtly talks about her feelings, ever) and she explained exactly what ACTUALLY happened to us: I became a drunk captain. She lost all trust in me. Now I was the best captain on the sea, she wanted to be with me, but found it so hard to trust me again and be vulnerable. And that was really hard.

Continued in comments below....

u/mutilatedrabbit · 5 pointsr/magick

My answer to this question is the same answer Richard Feynman gave when asked whether anyone could be a physicist. More or less. These things are not perfectly analogous, but the end result is true: Yes, anyone can learn to be a magician, barring some sort of severe mental disability or whatever. No one is "born into it" in any real sense other than -- we are all, when born, attuned to the state of our greatest power. The cultures and mores we absorb, the environment and our surrounding circumstances, modulate this state, almost always in a derelict way.

Most of the work you will do to achieve your natural magickal abilities consists in unlearning concepts. I think that the writings of Don Maguel Ruiz would be worth looking into with respect to this subject, although I would also recommend what I do for generally beginning in the occult, esoteric, and magick: the Kybalion, the Bhagavad Gita, and my personal niché favorite: Egregores: The Occult Entities That Watch Over Human Destiny by Mark Stavish. These works internalized into true understanding will be sufficient for any reasonably intelligent person to become a master of their own mind.

u/jamesd33n · 5 pointsr/DigitalPainting

I have no fear you'll find the videos that suit you best. We generally are resourceful enough when the need calls for it. Best of luck to you on that front.

The most difficult thing I found is the same most difficult thing every person of every new venture finds: sticking with it. I didn't. I started getting used to it, started getting good at it, and then I froze 12 hours (not consecutive) into a fantastic painting and stopped. I still have the file unfinished on my external. Do not make my mistake. I regret it. BUT... I'm making up for lost time and have since restarted learning to use it and my programs again. So, trust me, Pastanro, I'm right there with you.

Consistency! If you practice one thing, practice it hard! Do it for a month, not a day. Nail it into the ground so it will be a useful step to stand on for the next part of your journey. And no cheating! Start from the bottom again. It will not be wasted practice. If you're a master of anatomy, spend time practicing what you've already mastered and it will help you acclimate to this new tool that much easier. Don't take off learning things you don't know just quite yet. Ease into it. Be proud of the starting work you do. In 5 years, you'll look back and be even more proud of it.

The rest - the workflow - is more or less up to you to decide. Which program you enjoy (I use ArtRage; the tools and canvases have actual texture and aren't as stale as a soft round "brush"), which brushes you use (if in a Photoshop-esque program, try playing with the jitter settings, I hear that helps give it more life), to how you hold it (ideally in such a manner that makes using the buttons on the stylus more useful), to how you paint (I don't paint portions of the drawing at a time, I paint full layers: sketch, rough paint, final paint, etc), which keyboard shortcuts you assign to the tablets buttons... these are all things you'll discover for yourself as you evolve with your tool, as it becomes an extension of you.

I also recommend accountability. Setting up a conceptart sketchbook or a deviantart profile (I prefer this) serves as a means of "showing up for work." If you can build an audience or a few friendships, they'll notice when you're being lazy. This makes the process a little less "I'm roaming around in the dark alone"-ish. It also feels fantastic to know you have fans, especially when they stick around and prove they're keeping an eye on you.

None of this is technical advice per se, but that's because I firmly believe the biggest challenge is mental. You're battling far bigger demons at the soul level when you set out to learn something new and follow a dream. Fanning those flames inside you is more important than what you're forging. So if you listen to only one piece of advice I have to give, get a copy of this book: http://www.amazon.com/The-War-Art-Through-Creative/dp/1936891026

If you put yourself out there somewhere on the net, send me a link. I'd like to follow along.

u/fight_collector · 5 pointsr/Stoicism

"Some men only begin to live when it is time for them to leave off living." This is the danger of procrastination: wait long enough and you run out of time.

I don't have an analysis for you. Instead, I have a book recommendation: The War of Art by Steven Pressfield. I read this back in September of 2013 and have been writing more than ever. Great motivator and offers you great advice for overcoming Resistance.

Enjoy and let me know what you think!

u/mrpunaway · 5 pointsr/explainlikeimfive

Awesome! You should start posting there! I enjoyed the read.

Have you ever heard of The War of Art by Steven Pressfield? I highly recommend it.

u/tobitobiguacamole · 5 pointsr/financialindependence

In order of impact:

1 - The War of Art - https://www.amazon.com/War-Art-Through-Creative-Battles/dp/1936891026/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&amp;amp;ie=UTF8&amp;amp;qid=1549035419&amp;amp;sr=1-3&amp;amp;keywords=war+of+art

The most important book I've ever read. If you are pursuing any creative endeavor, I would say this is required reading. It's a super quick read, with every page or two covering a quick idea or example. I read it a bit of it every day before starting work on my music. It's like my bible.

2 - Atlas Shrugged - https://www.amazon.com/Atlas-Shrugged-Ayn-Rand/dp/0451191145/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;amp;ie=UTF8&amp;amp;qid=1549035527&amp;amp;sr=1-1&amp;amp;keywords=atlas+shrugged

Taught me the value of hard work. Gave me the confidence that if I put the work in, I could achieve great things.

3 - How I found Freedom in an Unfree World - http://metaphysicspirit.com/books/How%20I%20Found%20Freedom%20in%20an%20Unfree%20World.pdf

Even if you don't agree with all of it, it definitely helps put some new ideas out there that can change how you view things.

u/screenwriter101 · 5 pointsr/Screenwriting

You absolutely must read The War of Art by Steven Pressfield. I went through the same type of self-sabotage thinking and this book really helped me to take that negative voice and use it to my advantage.

Here are just two quotes from the book:
&gt; If you find yourself asking yourself (and your friends), "Am I really a writer? Am I really an artist?" chances are you are. The counterfeit innovator is wildly self-confident. The real one is scared to death.

&gt; Are you paralyzed with fear? That’s a good sign. Fear is good. Like self-doubt, fear is an indicator. Fear tells us what we have to do. Remember one rule of thumb: the more scared we are of a work or calling, the more sure we can be that we have to do it.

Keep at it!

u/letsbeB · 5 pointsr/WeAreTheMusicMakers

It seems like your problem could have two facets.

The first (maybe) is that your being too literal in your listening, and that's tough because you're clearly emotionally tied to that music. Try listening for principles, not specific figures. Don't listen to melodies, listen to phrase length in relation to harmony, rhythm, structure, and how that varies from song to song. Don't listen to solos, listen to where the solo comes from, what musical material is the solo being based on and how that functions within the context of the harmony, rhythm, song-as-a-whole, etc. Don't listen to drum patterns, listen to how a particular pattern supports a particular melody, hook, etc. The human brain is incredibly good at picking up on and replicating patterns. If you listen for melodies, solos, beats, etc. that's what you'll replicate and your music will sound much like that of which you're listening. But if you listen for relationships, functions, principles, you will not only be armed with a deeper understanding of how a music you love and respond to works on a fundamental level, but you will be able to apply those principles to your own music and grow as an artist.

Second, if you're throwing away ideas that sound both too much and not enough like your intentions, that's not not a musical problem, but a mental one. That sounds like Resistance. And Resistance is the biggest obstacle to any creative endeavor you will ever face. It it cunning - note the impossible double standard it has forced you into. Resistance doesn't want you to grow, doesn't want you to better yourself. It feeds off of you "rage quitting." I cannot take credit for the term or definitions. That honor goes to Steven Pressfield. His book The War of Art is one of the best I've ever read. It's saved my ass many times. It's a sort of cheesy title but in terms of impact on my life, it's this one and maybe one or two others. I'm sure I sound like some zealot missionary but read some of the comments. And if you can't afford the 10.29+shipping, PM me and I'll mail you my copy (as long as you send it back eventually). I've been where you're at and it fucking sucks.

u/UniversalOrbit · 5 pointsr/ADHD

"The War of Art" by Steven Pressfield.

It's more directed at creative professionals but deals with the same resistance problem.

u/ManicMonk · 5 pointsr/infp

Hi,

I did something similar a few times, following a hunch and throwing away the work of years.

There are many aspects to this I guess, but the thing which might be the most interesting right now would be: Why don't you want to finish this?

What's below the surface, what is lingering beyond the surface of wanting / not wanting something?

Would crashing and burning the whole thing now make it easier to reorient? Do you feel like you're going in a direction you are not sure you can manage to be in?

Do you feel like you'd like to have some time for yourself to figure it all out?

I think that if you can finish it in any way now you should try to. For your parents and for your future self. You can be proud that you finished something big, even if you didn't feel like it in the end. Which is a thing to be very much proud of I think.

I am often times taking the path of least resistance, but I know it and I am kind of concerned that I might be a quitter... at least some part of me feels like that. You could nip that in the bud now! :)

Also, be mindful of "Resistance" rearing its ugly head and trying hard to keep you from finishing, being its strongest when you almost reached the mountain top.

There is a great book called "The War Of Art": http://www.amazon.com/War-Art-Through-Creative-Battles/dp/1936891026/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;amp;qid=1421863874&amp;amp;sr=8-1&amp;amp;keywords=the+war+of+art&amp;amp;pebp=1421863877374&amp;amp;peasin=1936891026 - which I feel is amazing.

Amazingly written, amazingly concise, to the point and giving you lots of examples to identify the snake that is resistance.

And it can give you the strength to power through it too, I think.

I don't have it here right now unfortunately, or I'd quote you the passages related to Resistance becoming stronger the closer you get to your goal.

So know, Resistance is real, cunning and strong, and is a force always coming at you right from the point you know you need to go in your life. So it is naturally strongest and will try to keep you from finishing when you're so close.

Doubts? Resistance.
Feeling unwell? Sit down and do the work. It's Resistance trying to keep you from working.
Relationship troubles? Resistance.
Too early? Too late? Resistance.


So, while Resistance tries to make it hard to reach your goal, it is at the same time the perfect compass: Just face into the direction of the biggest resistance, and you're going exactly where you're supposed to be going. You'll be at the mountain top faster when you're going towards the mountain, no?

And, at the end, some more compassionate advice again:

Maybe, if you're afraid that you are about to hit the last nail into your own coffin which is the rest of your life now by finishing this degree - if you feel like you're not sure if you are ready to start your career in the field you're currently in - maybe make a deal with yourself: If you finish this degree now, you'll give yourself some time to do nothing or reorient yourself and maybe find something else if you feel like it after all of this.

Maybe get some support in this direction, maybe you can talk with your parents or a friend or your partner about it - tell them how you're feeling and that you are gonna power through and finish this degree, but aren't not sure if you're entirely on the right track yet and that you're gonna allow yourself some rest and / or reorientation after your degree.

Maybe make a plan on what you'd like to do after your degree instead of immediately joining the workforce? And if, after your degree, you should find yourself suddenly full of motivation to start a career in you field, that'd be a nice surprise too, don't you think? :)

---

Best wishes, time to do the laundry, i'm procrastinating on that one for days now! That's probably why i'm wrote this too! I'm off to do it now, I promise! :)

u/Steve00 · 4 pointsr/melbourne

I started reading THIS last night. Havent read anything in quite some time so looking forward to getting into it more :)

u/RollingTitan · 4 pointsr/PS4

It's good that you're able to stop yourself. It shows self control. Is there anything else you can do to help when you're pissed? I ride a motorcycle myself. That's my thing. Or sometimes kick back and beat some ass in COD. Also, I recommend this book: http://www.amazon.com/The-Four-Agreements-Practical-Personal/dp/1878424319 . Buy this book and try to read it. It's helped me in my day to day life and I'm working to to apply it on a daily basis. It's about 7 dollars. Worth a try and no shame in doing it.

u/Mmalice · 4 pointsr/aspergers

2. Don’t Take Anything Personally

&gt;Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

don Miguel Ruiz wrote an amazing book (its a small book,) called "The Four Agreements" which provides four very simple guidelines for living a grounded, rational, responsible life. The one mentioned above helped me tremendously with my own mother who can be very cruel with her words. For years I let her hurt me, but it was actually her that was suffering. The idea that she said things because of the way she views her reality and not because I was a bad person hit me like a thunderbolt. It changed me, it changed my thinking. There is more to the book, and more to this idea, so I highly recommend it to anyone dealing with doubt, communication, self of self and awareness.

u/nickprince · 4 pointsr/bestof

Have you read The War of Art by Steven Pressfield? If not, check out the reviews, and then buy it.

u/iamwritingabook2 · 4 pointsr/writing

No tricks per se, otherwise forcing yourself will be short lived and will produce low quality results. Having said that, this is what I did / do:

  1. Read "The War on Art" you'll understand why it's so hard to start doing something that you want to badly (TL;DR: it's your lizard brain / the resistance. Still read the book)

  2. Your brain works better in the morning, we all know that. And there are soooo many things we need to do distractions, well.. writing is your job, and you get paid with those distractions. Wake up and don't do anything until you have written some (you can quantify yourself what this some is, 250 words? 500? 2,500??) not even brushing your teeth, and surely not breakfast (that's the pay for writing). Questionable about bodily functions, it all depends how well you perform under pressure (jk). YMMV

  3. Develop better habits, starting from #2 above.

    Quotas seem to work, you can have a words quota, or time quota, or a combo.

    What I have seen working is a quotas, you determined how many words/time a unit of writing is, let's say 500 words or 30 minutes; and how many units is your minimum per day. You take it from there.

    Here's the real trick you have just read my thing and you're not going to like it at all. Great! You and I are not the same. Pull it apart, be the brutal editor of my work, make it so that it works, pretend you're doing it not for you but for a friend who asked you for help. Then... follow your own advice, but for the sake of the Muses and the Gods of writing, keep #1.

    YMMV.
u/crustinXbeiber · 4 pointsr/occult

&gt;My stalemate, my plateau was a lack of vision. I hope I can gather from that infinite well, too

&amp;#x200B;

Inspiration comes best to those who don't wait for it. Read this book, The War of Art asap, it helped me a lot.

&amp;#x200B;

Kind of a digression but there's some fairly subtle occult themes, nothing that would scare off mainstream folks, but he invokes the muses, talks about ritualizing your creative time to more easily move into a creative mindset, and personifies creative resistance as a sort of demon to be overcome. It's been a while since I read it but from memory I think there's even some bits in there about working with your daimon or higher genius. I highly recommended it.

u/triumphmeetsdisaster · 4 pointsr/WeAreTheMusicMakers

Read (or stream on Audible) the War Of Art by Steven Pressfield. It will change your life. You’re giving into resistance. Something inside of you is afraid and stalling, keeping you from actually doing. I feel its pull as well. It’s also what convinces me to watch Netflix instead of writing music. Stop losing the war.


The War of Art: Break Through the Blocks and Win Your Inner Creative Battles https://www.amazon.com/dp/1936891026/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_Sh6WCb4JJ3QT0

Edit: spelling

u/theotherverses · 4 pointsr/edmproduction

Hey there - this struggle happens to all of us at some point to a certain degree. One thing I do when I'm in that space is to try to not accomplish anything, just open up the DAW, find a sound I like and play with it. It often leads to some really great ideas, and reminds me that I got into music because it's fun and feels good. Sometimes I'll do a YouTube search, find a tutorial on something I don't know how to do, and work along with it. It get's me back in learning mode. Beginner's mind.

Also, Brian Eno's "Oblique Strategies" are helpful. They seem to be hard to find. I got a deck of them, but can't remember where. But there is also a free app you can pick up.

And lastly, I'll recommend this book to all, even if you don't have writer's block. It's an inspirational little book applicable for all artists, regardless of medium. Stephen Pressfield's "War of Art"

http://www.amazon.com/War-Art-Through-Creative-Battles/dp/1936891026/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;amp;qid=1425426738&amp;amp;sr=8-1&amp;amp;keywords=war+of+art

u/mike_vad · 4 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

I love your post. Your thoughts on "the resistance" made me think of this book. I highly recommend it. It's a pretty quick read:

http://www.amazon.com/The-War-Art-Through-Creative/dp/1936891026

u/kidfay · 4 pointsr/atheism

You must watch Cosmos (and Connections if you're into science, history, or engineering)!

Also, last month I read this book about Stoicism and I've noticed I've been jumping out of bed ready to go in the mornings lately. I also ready the Myth of Sisyphus around the same time. Maybe it's both.

u/AsensibleAhole · 4 pointsr/AskEngineers

We could go back and forth with studies saying one thing or another... But If you are truly curious, I'd like to recommend a book that might change your mind.

https://www.amazon.com/Mindset-Psychology-Carol-S-Dweck/dp/0345472322/ref=sr_1_2?crid=V8EURSH3HSSQ&amp;keywords=mindset+carol+s.+dweck&amp;qid=1563406599&amp;s=gateway&amp;sprefix=Mindset+%2Caps%2C165&amp;sr=8-2

u/geargirl · 4 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

Cited works:

u/AwesomeKillerKevin · 4 pointsr/europe

May I recommend a book?

u/liyana_ · 4 pointsr/GirlGamers

I've been reading this book Mindset by Carol Dweck, and there was a chapter that referenced women in STEM programs.

Essentially, her theory is that there are two types of people. Those who look at the world as though they can learn from their experience and get better at things through hard work (growth mindset), and there are those who think that the world is fixed. You either have it or you don't (fixed mindset).

Dweck says that people with fixed mindsets in programs where they are minorities will struggle more to persevere when the going gets tough. In other words, throughout their lives, these women have had to battle with stereotypes that say they are just not as good as men in these fields. When they struggle, instead of pushing through, they are more susceptible to letting the stereotype conquer them.

Here's the passage:

&gt; Aside from hijacking people’s abilities, stereotypes also do damage by making people
feel they don’t belong. Many minorities drop out of college and many women drop out of math
and science because they just don’t feel they fit in.

&gt; To find out how this happens, we followed college women through their calculus course.
This is often when students decide whether math, or careers involving math, are right for them.
Over the semester, we asked the women to report their feelings about math and their sense of
belonging in math. For example, when they thought about math, did they feel like a full-fledged
member of the math community or did they feel like an outsider; did they feel comfortable or did
they feel anxious; did they feel good or bad about their math skills?

&gt;The women with the growth mindset—those who thought math ability could be
improved—felt a fairly strong and stable sense of belonging. And they were able to maintain this
even when they thought there was a lot of negative stereotyping going around. One student
described it this way: “In a math class, [female] students were told they were wrong when they
were not (they were in fact doing things in novel ways). It was absurd, and reflected poorly on
the instructor not to ‘see’ the students’ good reasoning. It was alright because we were working
in groups and we were able to give &amp; receive support among us students. . . . We discussed our
interesting ideas among ourselves.”

&gt; The stereotyping was disturbing to them (as it should be), but they could still feel
comfortable with themselves and confident about themselves in a math setting. They could fight
back.

&gt; But women with the fixed mindset, as the semester wore on, felt a shrinking sense of
belonging. And the more they felt the presence of stereotyping in their class, the more their
comfort with math withered. One student said that her sense of belonging fell because “I was
disrespected by the professor with his comment, ‘that was a good guess,’ whenever I made a
correct answer in class.”

&gt; The stereotype of low ability was able to invade them—to define them—and take away
their comfort and confidence. I’m not saying it’s their fault by any means. Prejudice is a deeply
ingrained societal problem, and I do not want to blame the victims of it. I am simply saying that
a growth mindset helps people to see prejudice for what it is—someone else’s view of them—and
to confront it with their confidence and abilities intact.

Just like Dweck says, it's presumptuous to say that this is the reason that students are leaving your program. Perhaps they felt they did fit into the program fine and left because they found something else they were more passionate about. But if you really think this is a gender issue, I recommend this book and maybe even a workshop for some of your faculty. (Addressing this her way would be good for all of your students- not just the women)

Sorry for the wall of text!

TL;DR: Being a minority might mean that they feel like they don't belong in this specialty, and you may have to groom your staff to respond to this threat in a way that would be beneficial to all students and not just women.

u/actusual · 4 pointsr/math

This seems like an unfortunate and debilitating mental blocker, and I don't think the question "is there a career for me?" is going to help you.

So, is there a career for you? Maybe, if you work for it. Are there career paths that you are well positioned for? Almost certainly, but you probably have to work to get all the way there; and that's okay. Anyone who eventually achieves some level of career success struggles with this.

It's important to rememeber that almost no one is well equipped immediately out of college to start a massively succesful career, unless they are willing to get kicked around a bit and learn how to work hard independently for it. So, there might be a grad program, but even then, once you graduate, you'll STILL have to work hard for it. Do you think you're attitude is going to magically change between now and then? Or, are you going to start working toward changing your attitude now?

Go read Mindset: https://www.amazon.com/dp/0345472322/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_H65WAbSR66CMK

u/momentary_mori · 4 pointsr/suspiciouslyspecific

Get ahead of it. Read "Mindset" by Carol Dweck, or if that's too long start here.

tl;dr If you catch yourself thinking "I put in absolutely no work" again, you can choose to think "I haven't challenged myself as much as I could. I will try not to miss out on opportunities to learn in the future" instead. You'll have a better time going through life believing that effort brings success, that failing does not make you a failure, and that it is best to seek opportunities to grow and learn and challenge yourself rather than seeking out tasks which are already easy. And you are free to choose to believe that starting now, your past doesn't have a death grip on your future.

u/TorsionFree · 4 pointsr/getdisciplined

If you haven't already, I highly recommend reading Carol Dweck's Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. She and her research lab have found that the attitude you describe - fear of judgment, aversion to risk, need to look smart at all costs, etc. - stems from a mindset that believes one's intelligence is "fixed," that some people are just able to succeed while others are not. She traces the consequences and, more importantly, alternatives to that mindset as well as ways it can be changed.

The upshot odds to reframe your inner conversation away from fixed-intelligence ideas like identity ("this is just who I am"), failure ("failing reflects poorly on me as a person") and judgment ("I need to look good at all costs"), and replace them with narratives that focus on personal development like growth ("this is what I did and how it will help me better myself"), learning ("failing provide me the necessary opportunity to learn"), and progress ("I need to improve at all costs").

I'm in education, and the work of Dweck and her collaborators on this has been very influential in reforming how many of us think about teaching, especially teaching students who don't believe they are capable of learning. It's an inspirational and accessible read, definitely worth your time.

u/defenee · 4 pointsr/ChapoTrapHouse
u/alohamira · 4 pointsr/relationship_advice

This is pretty close to the kind of environment I lived in with my ex fiance of 4 years. It was a roller coaster, and we would always have good times before the bad. Rinse and repeat. Abusers tend to do this because giving you good times to cling to makes you less likely leave, and because things aren't "always bad" all the time it makes you wonder if you're being unreasonable and makes you think that he really is trying to make an effort.
Considering that, I'm probably biased. I would say he is full of it and you need to leave before he gets physical with you. My ex did all of these things. The yelling, antagonizing, the punching through walls. The "light" pushing. Then it became hard shoves, and there were times he would tower over me and walk toward me to scare the hell out of me and he would not stop. Then the actual physical abuse came, but he resorted to these non-physical methods of abuse more often than the physical. He doesn't respect you. And he's not going to stop.

Please read Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft. It may help you as it did me.

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men https://www.amazon.com/dp/0425191656/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_tvjJAb4603PHM

u/kookaburra1701 · 4 pointsr/OkCupid

I was raised with similar messages: all strange men are trying to get in your pants, you can't trust them one bit, etc etc.

Funny how the people who have ACTUALLY been untrustworthy and tried to harm me were those who I knew and were close to me. In fact, some of the same people who warned me about what "all men" were like were the ones who took advantage the first chance they got.

The statistics bear out my experience - you are statistically much safer with strange men than with men you "know". You can never "know" who is safe and who isn't, you can only observe behaviors and learn which ones show disregard for other people.

Some books that really helped me because I can't afford therapy:

The Gift of Fear

In Sheep's Clothing

Why Does He Do That? Inside the Mind of Angry and Controlling Men

While I was never in a relationship with anyone abusive or manipulative, reading these books helped me identify people whom I could have become more entangled with (professionally, platonically, romantically) and steered clear and thus avoided the ensuing dumpster fires. They made me much more confident in my ability to set appropriate boundaries and recognize when my boundaries were being violated, and that it was ok for me to call an end to any situation I didn't feel comfortable in. Just the knowledge that I could and would do so made me feel more comfortable.

I don't know if my rambling was in any way helpful, but really, do seek out resources in the form of therapy or self-help books. Getting out of an ingrained and destructive mindset is NOT EASY but it is so WORTH IT.

u/UnknownCitizen77 · 4 pointsr/JustNoSO

Abusers are not angry and violent all the time - if they were, no one would ever get close enough to be trapped in a relationship with them.

If you are looking for more insight on his behavior, many people on the JustNo forums highly recommend this book:
https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656

u/summerholiday · 4 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

The majority of abusers don't change. I strongly suggest you read "Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. It's a book about how abusers minds work and why they do the things that they do. It also goes into how rare change is and what it takes for an abusive man to change (it takes a whole, whole lot). It was written by a man who worked as a counsellor for abusive men for 15 years so he knows what he is talking about. If you can't get a copy, PM and I can send you a pdf.

u/ChristIAmConfused · 4 pointsr/Christianity

If you need permission to leave then I will give it to you.

u/truthinherefornow I give you permission to leave this man masquerading as your husband. This marriage is built on lies and false pretence. It is as fake as Monopoly money. Your number one imperative is now your child, your parents, and yourself. There is no room for him on that list.

You have my permission to seek counseling at battered women shelters in your area. You have my permission to seek legal counsel and tell them you are broke and that you are in desperate need of help. You have my permission to put your child first and protect them from this idiot asshole that wastes his life abusing you. You my permission to love yourself and to treat yourself with the same love and patience that you treat your child with. You have my permission to leave and never look back. You have my permission to go to the police and ask them for assistance in leaving an evil man.

We don't always have good choices. Sometimes we can only choose between one evil thing and another evil thing. When you choose to leave him, you are choosing the option that gives you and your family life.

https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656

Please pick up a copy of this book, Why does He Do That? I've seen it recommended many times for understanding abusive spouses. It should be available in second hand book stores as well.

u/avelaera · 4 pointsr/TrollXChromosomes

I highly recommend "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. It is excellent for anyone currently in or just out of an abusive relationship.

u/ziddina · 4 pointsr/exjw

That could be a good thing...

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I just linked these two books elsewhere; you might find them interesting:

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https://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553381407

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https://www.amazon.com/People-Lie-Healing-Human-New-age-ebook/dp/B00UC6EF62

u/_jeth · 4 pointsr/BipolarReddit

My mother was a narcissist. Key examples: I was diagnosed with a likely congenital heart condition and at the time of diagnosis we didn't know any prognosis and I was actively in heart failure. She asked me to never discuss it because it was too stressful for her. A year later she was diagnosed with breast cancer and had an excellent prognosis. She called constantly wanting to talk about her condition and at one point became angry with me because I was not willing to tattoo a pink ribbon on my body (for many reasons largely surrounding the sham that is Susan G Komen and Pinkwashing) and declared me a bad daughter.

She was physically abusive, verbally abusive, and emotionally abusive. In high school she hit me, then told my father she would divorce him for intervening and stopping her from hitting me further, and manipulated him into telling me that I had to apologize to her for making her made at me and if I did not I could go to foster care for all he cared and if they did get divorced he definitely wouldn't try to pursue custody of me since that divorce would be my fault. She was still snooping through my things when I was in my thirties when she only had authorization to be in my house to let my dog out. She disowned me because I told her she wasn't very nice to me, and had my father call twenty minutes later to permanent ban me from their house, but four days later pretended nothing happened and expected me to bring her a bag of hot dog buns at work.

With the help of some books I'd been reading I had worked up the nerve to go No Contact and I used the disowning as my springboard to enforce my terms. I made my conditions for future contact clear - she needed to attend anger management; then we needed family counseling. She spent a few years randomly reaching out and pretending nothing had happened - when I would point out my conditions, she would blow up at me. She doesn't know where I live, what my phone number is, and she won't for as long as I live as far as I am concerned. She tracked down my husband this year and he blocked her without hesitation, then told me what had happened. I was full on shaking with this weird mix of fear and anger. She just cannot let it go.

There is a huge, clear difference between Narcicisstic personality disorder and Bipolar. Bipolar means you are depressed and you are manic. My mother never displayed either condition. But she was manipulative, abusive, and everything always circled back to her. It was always about her. She would bitch you out for not making any money and hassle you about applying for a better job, and once you did, she would become angry at you for making more money than she did and needle you to tell her just how much more money you were making because don't you think you're so fucking great. All my friends had parents that went beyond simply tolerating their existence and for years I blamed myself for not being good enough for my parents approval, but the more I read about narcissistic parents the more I realized I could be Bill Gates with billions of dollars and tons of power and I would still be cut down to size by my mother for making her look bad (in her eyes). In the end the No Contact order was the smartest thing I ever did. I have my life back. I feel like the first 31 years of my life are finished and I get a do-over.

If you came from an abusive or narcissistic home, I recommend this book: http://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553381407

u/flsucks · 4 pointsr/gaybros

DO IT.

Also read this book, it will help you sort through the baggage they've inevitably saddled you with.

u/treesandclouds · 4 pointsr/stopdrinking

I dealt with similar issues after the initial euphoria of quitting wore off. Drinking had been a way to avoid dealing with things that I needed to deal with in my life.

There is a lot of good advice in this thread. What matters is to work at it (because it is work), and to find what will work for you.

I know for me, this book (Man's Search for Meaning) was very helpful in finding a way to orient myself in the world that was right for me. But for you it might be therapy, or AA, or getting out in nature more, or getting to church more, or exercising more. It could be anything - you have to find it.

By quitting drinking you have given yourself a tremendous opportunity. You can now build yourself into the person you want to be. It's hard work, but to my mind it's the main reason we're alive in the first place.

u/IDFSHILL · 4 pointsr/SRSsucks

No excuse for this, period. Being raised without a father doesn't mean you become a Nazi and run someone over at a rally.

There's a great book that changed my worldview on this subject:

https://www.amazon.com/Mans-Search-Meaning-Viktor-Frankl/dp/080701429X

u/Did_I_Die · 4 pointsr/antinatalism

&gt; One can continue to learn to see things from an observant perspective to circumstances instead of a reactive perspective.

Viktor Frankl's idea where supposedly anyone can bullshit themselves into thinking even the most dire of circumstances are not that bad? What is secret to making that work?

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/080701429X/ref=as_li_qf_sp_asin_tl?ie=UTF8&amp;amp;camp=1789&amp;amp;creative=9325&amp;amp;creativeASIN=080701429X&amp;amp;linkCode=as2&amp;amp;tag=hearoo0e-20

u/DestinedToBeDeleted · 4 pointsr/Mindfulness

Obviously, continually using MDMA to control monkey mind isn't a great long term solution. The ecstacy is heavily affecting your serotonin, norepinephrine, dopamine, so whether or not you're being mindful while rolling is debatable. Speaking from personal experience (almost two years sober), I wouldn't consider an MDMA experience particularly mindful; you're ultra tuned into sounds, movements, pleasurable sensations, and social interaction, but ultra tuned out of negativity.

If you want to learn to quiet the monkey mind, there's one really good way that you're probably already aware of: meditation. There's many types of meditation, but I'd recommend insight meditation for dealing with that overreactive brain. Mindfulness In Plain English is an easy to read introduction to insight/vipasanna.

u/honestravel · 4 pointsr/Nootropics

This is a good introduction into one of the many types of meditation. I've found meditation and the clarity of mind that certain nootropics bring to be very beneficial. Just be keep in mind that it's probably not as easy as many initially think (especially if you have a very chatty brain), but the benefits come quickly. I've adopted quite the "it is what it is" attitude as of late, and that has let me enjoy and respect many uncomfortable or undesirable situations that I've found myself in. Good luck and feel free to join us over at /r/mediation :)

u/dlc · 4 pointsr/Buddhism
u/chronologicalist · 4 pointsr/IWantToLearn

I hope you haven't heard this a million times already, but if you have, you should listen because it's good advice: meditation.

There's a really great book called Mindfulness in Plain English which is essentially a very thorough breakdown of what meditation can achieve for you, which is being mindful of your feelings and observing them without acting on them.

There are tons of great resources out there for meditation, but I'm not knowledgeable enough in the area to really link you to anything. But meditation for many people is a great stress reliever and has helped me personally become a calmer, more self-observant person.

Good luck with it!

u/QueasyOrchid · 4 pointsr/MomForAMinute

I know it’s depression and not alcoholism, but I’ve found this really helpful in my life and it may help you too: https://al-anon.org/pdf/S19.pdf

I’d strongly recommend reading the book “codependent no more” https://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025

u/ice_09 · 4 pointsr/minimalism

I used to be your husband. I was addicted to those machines and ended up with essentially hundreds of this stuffed animals. Its essentially gambling and I had a problem. In my mind, it was cloaked as gifting out of love, but was really an issue with how I viewed my relationship with my daughter. Growing up, my family showed me love by buying me things. This is going to sound strange, but I would reccomend having both you and your husband read The 5 Love Languages. It helped me understand that there are ways to show affection without gifting items. It was my preferred method of saying "I love you," but it was causing us to drown in clutter. It also helped me realize that I was using my family as an excuse to shop.

It is a very difficult balance, but there will need to be some sort of work recognizing that things do not equate to love and love does not mean things. Be prepared for the long haul, but also recognize that your husband is liking doing this out of love. It feels great to win something "special" for your own child. I still break down sometimes - just this month, I took my daughter to the fair and she convinced me to "win" some stuffed animals. She carries them everywhere and sleeps with them. I know this will pass, but its a very warming things to see. Sorry for the wall of text.

u/freezoneandproud · 4 pointsr/scientology

One of the ills of cult-thinking is that you're encouraged to think in black-and-white. THESE people are good, and THOSE are bad. EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS is good; EVERYTHING ABOUT THAT is bad.

Life ain't that way. And not just in regard to cults.

One of my sisters was married to her first husband for 17 years. After she left she adopted an attitude that everything about that marriage was wrong (and very much that he was at fault for it). She presented it as a wholly horrible experience. But I clearly remember how much she was in love with him. As "flower girl" at the wedding, I saw (and was inspired by) her expression as she came down the aisle. I learned a lot of healthy things about marriage by watching the two of them together (which I needed, because our parents' marriage was not a good one). Even if things went downhill between my sister and her husband (for reasons I later realized were an example of The 5 Love Languages -- a useful set of guidelines that appear nowhere in Scn), there was joy. And by refusing it, she was refusing an admirable part of herself.

&gt; "We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it -- and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove lid. She will never sit on a hot stove lid again -- and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore." -- Mark Twain

u/contemporarydinosaur · 4 pointsr/relationship_advice

Seriously, it sounds like you are more than pulling your weight. You work 90 hours per week and you clean up around the house and notice her.

Maybe you have insecurities of your own to deal with? Why do you not think you are measuring up? Do you feel like you aren’t good enough for some reason? Deal with that stuff first. And just fyi - most people feel inadequate/unlovable to some degree. It’s important to get that lie out of your mind.

To fully express how much you love your wife, you need to do it in “her language.” Read the 5 love languages: https://amzn.to/34p8kiz. It’s a famous book so should be available at your library.

u/mooseontheloose1 · 4 pointsr/Christianity

Read this book. The Five Love Languages. Seriously. Basically, in the book, Gary Chapman details the importance of understanding your love language,your spouse's love language and how the two interact with one another. Great read for those in committed relationships.

u/eggpooyung · 4 pointsr/relationships

I highly recommend that you buy and read The Five Love Languages, first separately and then together.

http://www.amazon.com/The-Love-Languages-Secret-Lasts/dp/0802473156/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;amp;qid=1414079703&amp;amp;sr=8-1&amp;amp;keywords=the+five+love+languages

This book talks about how little resentments can build up over time if your SO is not getting the type of 'love' that they need, and then how to identify and give the other person that type of love. For example, you may think that you are doing a lot for her, but if acts of service is something she responds to, and you're getting her gifts, she will not respond to you the way you would expect. If you are both willing, it is a great start to opening that communication up.

If not, then the next step is actual therapy.

u/journeytointellect · 4 pointsr/changemyview

I don't know if you are a reader, but this book has really interesting perspectives.

(FYI I'm not trying to make an argument that "he had it worse so you have nothing to complain about. I just find that he had an interesting perspective on life.)

In the particular part I'm talking about, he talks about how each person is unique in who they are and what they have to offer to the world and what they are able to do. He gives the opinion that if you aren't there to do what you have the talent to do and what you could do for the world, nobody else will be able to do it the way you could. In that way, you are unique and irreplaceable.

I think he does a better job of explaining it than I do and I would really suggest reading it. I mean if you are thinking of suicide, I would generally say don't do it. Obviously I can't stop you but I would ask you to read that book first. I think it has a very powerful message.

u/Zeno_of_Reddit · 4 pointsr/bodybuilding

The Feeling Good Handbook It's a DIY Cognitive Behavioral Therapy guide. (Half the book is about medication- you can skip all that). I followed the instructions and found it tremendously helpful.

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Man's Search for Meaning It will put everything in perspective

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Pick up one of JBPs Self Authoring products. Proven effective, and backed by clinical data. Figure out who you are and develop a vision and plan for your future.

u/the_privateer · 4 pointsr/polyamory

Keep in mind that being poly is not just about having sex, and definitely not about just having sex with strangers.
You can be poly and never end up in bed with a strange person. Or even never be in a threesome

A good start is to get educated. Check out http://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X - it may clear up some misconceptions for you. There's also faq in the sidebar.

u/mrs-darling · 4 pointsr/sex

Hey!

Ethical non-monogamy is an umbrella term that includes any activities where all parties involved know about the outside relationships and agree to participate. So if I am into another man, both my husband know about the guy and the guy is aware that I am married. It includes everything from swinging (sex, no emotions, typically done as a couple) to polyamory (literally "multiple loves" and can include multiple loving relationships) and a bunch of other dynamics.

Us? We allow for the "spark." You know how you meet somebody at random and you feel a connection with them? A spark? Like for some reason, at a crowded bar or gym or library, you spark with that one random stranger? That. That is our ethical non-monogamy. When that happens, we go to our spouse and let them know we felt that with somebody else. We talk it out. We are excited for each other and encourage each other.

We personally don't seek out other relationships; no dating profile or swing clubs here. We simply enjoy our loving and healthy marriage and if we feel a connection with another, we are free to explore why that person has been brought in our path. Maybe they are meant to be a friend, or teach us a lesson. Maybe they are to be the greatest fuck of our lives. Maybe we could love them. We don't want to spend our lives wondering "what if." We have found some love, some lust, some heartache, some heartbreak, but overall, it has been an incredibly positive experience.

This requires gobs of honest communication, so you'd be a natural at that end of it.

Both my husband and I have realized, after time and practice and mistakes, that neither of us are interested in sex without loving emotions. We just aren't into unemotional sex. Can we have a couple drinks and find a beautiful chick to give my husband a two girl BJ with me in a nightclub bathroom stall? Sure. But sexual relationships with a consistent partner requires actually caring about that person as a potential member of our family. The emotions never go away. You get concerned, jealous, elated, frustrated, etc. It is all in learning how to deal with those emotions. I guess, at the end of the day, if my husband all of a sudden fell in love with another woman and didn't want anything to do with me anymore, well, I don't want a relationship with that man anyway. That is not the man I married.

Some can have sex without emotions. The questions is can you guys? To thine own self be true.

https://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut-Practical-Relationships-Adventures/dp/1587613379

https://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X/ref=pd_sim_14_1?ie=UTF8&amp;amp;dpID=41V-zAQaZbL&amp;amp;dpSrc=sims&amp;amp;preST=_AC_UL320_SR208%2C320_&amp;amp;psc=1&amp;amp;refRID=BNXW54MZ79NJYTRHTGWV

https://www.amazon.com/More-Than-Two-Practical-Polyamory/dp/0991399706/ref=pd_bxgy_14_img_3?ie=UTF8&amp;amp;psc=1&amp;amp;refRID=RZ5Q4XCC0W2J9E9CA237

u/Aegist · 4 pointsr/sex

I would still recommend getting the book "Opening Up". I know you said you aren't interested in an open relationship, but the thing is, you seem to be assuming that there are only two options: open or not-open, but the reality is that "anything you can think of" is a genuine relationship option.

Of Opening Up: "Drawing on in-depth interviews with over a hundred women and men, Opening Up explores the real-life benefits and challenges of all styles of open relationships"

This is very useful mostly because it helps you to break through the standard assumption that there is monogamy and open, and it is either all or nothing. This isn't true at all, and there are infinite ways to arrange your relationship.

http://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X

u/Squingle · 4 pointsr/trees

Let the downvotes come, but why is asking someone to be in an open relationship a bad thing? I am an open relationship and it is the single best relationship I have had. It seems like you have already decided to be lonely and single, but if you love her why not do some research? Opening Up and /r/NonMonogamy are good places to start.

It isn't easy and it is not for everyone, but there are other option besides getting stoned and feeling sorry for yourself.

EDIT: Reading back my last sentence sounds a bit more harsh then I intended. Don't get me wrong, when I am feeling down the first thing I do is pack a bowl and grab a controller. I just wanted to be contstructive.

u/overand · 4 pointsr/polyamory

Good luck!

To sound like a bot - I really suggest you all read the BASIC FAQ and INTRO stuff at www.morethantwo.com

And if you're into books, some options include:

u/PM_ME_BOOBPIX · 4 pointsr/SecurityAnalysis

A few pointers for you:

  • any type of consulting involves a lot of selling, especially at the beginning. As you progress you'll notice that the most successful of your peers are the ones who have the best selling skills and not technical skills; in large consulting firm these are called "Rainmakers" and... they don't do any consulting but they are out there "selling" as their full-time job, and their name is often on the company name.

  • read this book: https://www.amazon.com/Good-They-Cant-Ignore-You/dp/1455509124

  • write a book, a good book on your space, something that demonstrates your competence and how good you are; have it printed the old-fashion way, ink on paper, use it as a marketing tool
u/Hathorym · 4 pointsr/CPTSD

(Note: This is only me sharing my experiences, the 2nd person is not meant to tell you how you feel.)

The mere fact he says that "you don't care" is the very reason you're afraid to say something in the first place. You've spent your life keeping things to yourself because your experience has always been it was safer to do so. In the past, if you said your truth, it would be dismissed and demeaned. You were attacked for having your own mind.

So your partner is now wanting you to share your truth, and honestly, you don't know how. You get that lump in your throat, that panicked child in your head saying things like, "If you just be quiet, maybe he'll go away." or "You just have to suffer through some of this."

Essentially, each time this scenario arises, it causes you to have an emotional flashback. You feel small, vulnerable, and terrified that any word that you speak will be met with an unequal and more threatening response. You shrink away from the very thought that your feelings or opinions matter to anyone. You can't contemplate having someone actually listen to you. Your immediate response to all of this is subconsciously to say "It doesn't matter what I say, you'll still be angry and it will be my fault for making you angry."

If you feel safe doing so, perhaps you can show him this post. It will show you do, in fact, care a great deal but do not currently have the tools to explain to him why you're unable to speak.

Something that helped my husband a great deal was having him read Pete Walker's book, CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving. Not only was he able to "get into the mind" of the disorder, but to also understand why I feel so locked down. The book, coincidentally, has been an incredible resource in my own recovery, not only for the authors insights, but also because I now know that I am not alone in this. There are, unfortunately, many of us out here and the one strength we have is to help each other.

u/lending_ear · 4 pointsr/CPTSD

Therapy is absolutely worth it imo. BUT and the big but is that you need to find the right kind of therapist. There are many, many different types of therapy out there. Personally? I felt like I wasted thousands on talking therapy in the beginning and I just kept rehashing and reliving the trauma with pretty much no progress.

The therapies that I got the most out of because of my trauma was 1. Havening - had the quickest most immediate response to this so therefore it ended up being the cheapest 2. Hypnotherapy - I got a lot out of this because while I logically knew a lot of truths but so much of it wasn't being accepted by my subconscious for some reason. Hypnotherapy sorted that 3. EMDR - also great.

Now I do talking therapy for current stuff going on in my life to get a sounding board and unbiased opinion. That was just me - but talking to 'fix' was the biggest waste of time and money for me - however, talking to maintain has been great. Ultimately you need to find your own therapeutic path. It's pretty frustrating because there isn't a one size fits all. Then on top of it, especially with talking therapists you need to have a connection. So you are constantly having to give the whole story over and over. I found the other therapies had a much better effect on me and allowed me to connect with a therapist much easier once I felt I was more in maintenance mode vs crisis mode.

Im not sure where you are but I feel like there are probably websites out there that review therapists.

Also: some really great books that helped me (and are much cheaper) are:

u/merrickhalp · 4 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

&gt;I will never live a normal life.

Never say never OP! I know it's really bad right now, but with distance and inner work you can certainly begin to diminish the symptoms. I have had a similar visceral response to a comment made by my nDad. Go NC when you can and get a trauma therapist. Also, read Pete Walker's book on C-PTSD. It's very, very helpful.

u/SovietStomper · 4 pointsr/MurderedByWords

About CPTSD in general? This book by Pete Walker is a pretty seminal work.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/1492871842/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_t1_ZHsPCbTPKG205_nodl

This other one also helped me a lot, because the physiological crap that comes along with CPTSD is every bit as terrible as the emotional component:

https://www.amazon.com/Body-Keeps-Score-Healing-Trauma/dp/0143127748/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?crid=URYXV0O6HWS6&amp;amp;keywords=the+body+keeps+the+score&amp;amp;qid=1554327719&amp;amp;s=gateway&amp;amp;sprefix=the+bidy&amp;amp;sr=8-1

Ultimately though, therapy and journaling are going to be your best starting points for your personal recovery. If you can find a therapist that has experience with trauma, that’s your best bet. I would also recommend seeing a general practitioner and a psychiatrist because of the aforementioned physical issues.

u/Taphophile · 4 pointsr/Atlanta

And here's my plug for "The Gift of Fear." A really great book that emphasizes why you SHOULD trust your gut.

u/withbutterflies · 4 pointsr/creepyPMs

I gave this advice to someone here the other day and I'll repeat it to you. You need to read "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin DeBecker. It is truly the most important book I've ever read. He goes over situations similar to this and how to interact with people who set off warning bells.

The biggest advice I can give you is to NOT respond to him for any reason. If he sends you 40 messages and then you respond thinking he'll go away, all you're teaching him is that it costs him 41 tries to get your attention.

I'm glad you contacted the mutual friends, but if you feel you can't trust them to understand how serious it is, unfriend them. He will manipulate people to get info.

Here is a link to the book: https://smile.amazon.com/Other-Survival-Signals-Protect-Violence/dp/0440508835/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;amp;qid=1467951740&amp;amp;sr=8-1&amp;amp;keywords=gift+of+fear+by+gavin+debecker

u/Kemah · 4 pointsr/AskWomen

Been loving the responses so far! My own preferences have been changing, and I've been reading a lot more non-fiction than I used to. It has really opened the doors to a lot of books I would not have considered reading before!

On my reading list:

The Unthinkable by Amanda Ripley - this is what I'm almost finished with now. It has been a really insightful read on how little prepared society is for disasters, and the steps we should take to help fix that.

The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker - I've seen this mentioned on reddit a few times and it's in the same vein as the book I'm currently reading.

Full Dark, No Stars by Stephen King

The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog by Bruce D. Perry

The Lean Startup by Eric Ries - I'm currently working in the startup industry, and have read similar books to this.

The Hard Thing About Hard Things by Ben Horowitz - same as the book above. This is currently going around my office right now so I should be reading it soon!

The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk M.D. - this was recommended to me by a friend when he learned I was reading The Unthinkable and The Gift of Fear. Honestly really looking forward to reading this one!

On Killing: The Psychological Cost of Learning to Kill in War and Society


Books I'd recommend:

Blink by Malcom Gladwell - all about the subconscious mind and the clues we pick up without realizing it. Pretty sure reading this book has helped me out in weird situations.

Elon Musk: Tesla, SpaceX, and the Quest for a Fantastic Future by Ashlee Vance - amazing read about how Elon Musk works and the person he is.

The Circle by Dave Eggers - just don't watch the movie :)



u/dumbfrakkery · 4 pointsr/AskReddit

It is an actual physiological response that's meant to keep us safe. The Gift of Fear is a good book on the subject.

u/Daemo87 · 4 pointsr/Needafriend

You're drowning in negative thoughts and self-hate, but there IS a book I've read that helped me with those same issues.

The GOOD book. Have you accepted Jesus Ch--nonono I'm just kidding.

There is a good book on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) that turned a lot of things around for me. Here's the link to it on amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-Handbook-David-Burns/dp/0452281326

You DO have it within you to become loveable, smart, successful, beautiful, and wanted. Definitely not all at once, and a lot of those aspects will need to begin inside of you. You need to love yourself before others will see how much there is to love you about you, too. You can do this. It takes work and commitment. Learning to love yourself when you've got a past as dark as yours, a past that didn't teach you HOW to love yourself, is a hard road to walk. I'm walking it still myself and I'm nowhere near the end, but I do know I'm better now than when I started, and tomorrow I'll be a little bit closer to the end of the road because I'm not done walking, I'm not giving up.

About the book: it's cheesy as fuck, and the author (if you see his picture) has a seriously disturbing abundance of forehead...but what he says about depression, and how it's primarily driven by our own negative thoughts, is just completely mind blowing. I understand the exercises may seem silly at first, but do them exactly as he says to do them and you may be surprised at how light you feel afterwards.

PM me if you feel you need any help with the book, or anything else. Hope things improve for you, stranger.

&amp;#x200B;

u/theanarkid · 4 pointsr/Anarchism

Sever your roots.

I know what a bad trip it is, dealing with narcissistic parents.

Try this:

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0553381407

u/LawyersGunsAndKony · 4 pointsr/AskNYC

If you decide to go the DIY route, I'd buy 2 copies of The 5 Love Languages and immerse yourself in /r/personalfinance

u/MsDrMurder · 4 pointsr/BlackWomens

Girl, yes! I wish women (including myself) would not internalize their man's faults. Gah!

His words aren't supportive nor kind to the woman he is in a relationship with. If OP believes this is worth having a conversation over then I would say something like:

Hey, sometimes when you say (insert here) it makes me feel like (insert here). I'm not used to communicating like this especially in a relationship. Can you be more mindful in your language? (he may become defensive. Quickly remind him that you aren't judging rather asking him to communicate your language (see Love Languages for further information))

My spouse is very sarcastic and jokes a lot. Sometimes he can be hurtful. In those moments, I take a deep breath and explain to him in a very casual tone.

PM me if you need to vent.

u/throwaway1212away · 4 pointsr/sex

So there's lots of things that could be going on here. First off, it is good to keep in mind that it is almost inevitable that couples will have less sex overtime vs when they started out. That's not necessarily a bad thing, it is more like evolving into becoming intimate in a wider variety of ways.

Your boyfriend might be uninterested in sex because of being desensitized from consuming too much porn. If your boyfriend is truly addicted to porn and therefore so overstimulated that physical sex pales in comparison, he might benefit from seeing a sex therapist, although indulging in an occasional half hour porn session is hardly abnormal for men, so keep that in mind. If he is very introverted, he could even be using the porn as an excuse to have some personal time with himself. Genuine porn addiction is more like watching porn every moment he thinks he can get away with it, even when it is very risky for him to do so, like at work or on a public computer.

If he avoids sex because of anxiety, he might benefit from seeing an anxiety specialist. Some people really want to have sex but don't go through with it because their anxiety is so intense that they begin to panic. If he is so anxious that he wants to have sex but simply can't initiate, then you may just have to accept that that's gonna have to be your job if you want to have sex with him. Also, people with social anxiety don't just have difficulty initiating sex, they tend to have difficulty initiating anything social, so that may or may not be why he doesn't ask you out on dates or perform gestures of affection like buying flowers. Then again, people express affection in different ways, and gifts or acts of service might not be a way that he does. There is an excellent book about this called 'The 5 love languages'. Or maybe he just doesn't care, period, who knows.

If he has neither of these issues, than he may just not be particularly interested in physical sex. Some men are like that, contrary to practically every pop culture narrative. For someone to be occasionally but usually not interested in sex is known as gray-asexuality, and it's not a moral failing on either of your part, it's just how some people are. Some people are asexual because of being the victim of abuse, some are like that because they are so introverted that they don't feel comfortable sharing their most private feelings an sensations with others, and some are like that for no apparent reason at all. It's not his fault if he's just not interested in sex, and it's not your fault if that doesn't work for you either. Sometimes people with normal sex drives who date asexual people enter into polyamorous relationships, where it is acknowledge that one person simply isn't meeting the other person's sexual needs, so the asexual person consents to their partner having sexual relationships with other people. This requires a great deal of trust between the partners for that kind of arrangement to have any success, and isn't for everyone, but it's potentially an option.

Personally, I probably have all of the above issues to some degree, and I am much more comfortable having sex where I can take on a completely passive role, such as receiving a blow job or using the cowgirl position. We have vaginal sex about once a month, and when we do, I pull out after a few minutes because I get overwhelmed by anxiety. It makes me sad to know that my partner sometimes often feels unsatisfied that I often refuse to initiate sex or have it at all, and she also has essentially stopped trying to initiate with me do to the pain of often being rejected (that's a feeling women aren't as accustomed to due to sexual norms), but she has come to accept for the most part that it's an issue with me, not her, and we connect so well in other ways that we appreciate the sex that we do have as much as we can because she knows I really am trying to connect with and satisfy her as much as I can, even though it wouldn't seem like it at first glance.. She now tries to have sex with me in a way that acknowledges my limitations, which often is as low-intensity as light touching or watching porn together. When I am ready for something more intense than that, I initiate.

Then again, your boyfriend might just take you for granted and expect you to service him without providing any reciprocation or even appreciation in return. Some men have the disgusting belief that that kind of behavior is the only way they can get a woman to respect him. If that is the case than he probably won't understand how stupid and counterproductive that is until someone sets some boundaries and stands up to him.

Whatever your boyfriend's situation is, him telling you that you are overreacting because your needs aren't being met is completely inappropriate. If you are equal partners, then your needs should matter to him, and if they don't then he shouldn't expect you to do anything at all to satisfy his needs. It's normal to have needs, and if someone else can't meet them they at least shouldn't put you down for having them.

Also, he might just be done with the relationship and acting coldly could be a passive aggressive way of communicating that.

So the rub is that there are any number of things that could actually be going on with your boyfriend, so what you're going to need to do in any case is talk to your boyfriend and find out what's actually going on. He might have one or multiple of the issues I suggested, or none, or something I didn't think of, but you well never know if you don't ask. If he isn't open to talking about that stuff (it can be hard, that's extremely personal stuff), than I would suggest seeing a relationship therapist together, they can work wonders for helping people learn how to communicate the important stuff that goes unsaid. He also might not know what is going on either. Many people have so little understanding of their own emotions that they couldn't even tell you what they are feeling if they wanted to, and a relationship therapist can help with that as well.

u/agoodresponse · 4 pointsr/asktrp

I use Amazon reviews before buying any book.

http://www.amazon.com/The-Love-Languages-Spanish-Edition/dp/080241270X

Reviews look good. Ask her if she read it, as it seems the purpose of the book is understanding how other people want to be loved. As such, if you choose to read it, she should read it too.

u/churlishjerk · 4 pointsr/AskMen

Generally you don't. But if you really want to try Here is the book that will give you the best advice.

u/calinet6 · 4 pointsr/motivation

Been there. We all have. Keep that in mind too—the last thing you need is to feel down on yourself for being human. Remember that in some ways, you're just a machine wired to feel this way. Know how your machinery works, and you can make it work better.

For now focus on your next action and task at hand—but when you're out of this, two books:

  1. "Getting Things Done" by David Allen. His books and his advice are genius at using exactly this strategy to manage everything you have to do. The question "What's your next action?" comes from this book and it's the question you should ask if you're ever stuck.

  2. "Bird by Bird" by Anne Lamott. It's about writing and how to write, but mostly about life and how to do anything well, and how to find that motivation and ability to work even when you don't have it. It's glorious to read in its humanity.

    Here's a quote from the 2nd one that is relevant to you at this moment:

    &gt; Thirty years ago my older brother, who was ten years old at the time, was trying to get a report on birds written that he'd had three months to write, which was due the next day. We were out at our family cabin in Bolinas, and he was at the kitchen table close to tears, surrounded by binder paper and pencils and unopened books on birds, immobilized by the hugeness of the task ahead. Then my father sat down beside him, put his arm around my brother's shoulder, and said, "Bird by bird, buddy. Just take it bird by bird."

    That's what I tell myself every time I have a gigantic task to do. Bird by bird. It reminds me to just take it one step at a time.

    *edit: Ah, I have to share this one too... next paragraph after that one in "Bird by Bird"—

    &gt; E. L. Doctorow once said that "writing a novel is like driving a car at night. You can see only as far as your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way." You don't have to see where you're going, you don't have to see your des­tination or everything you will pass along the way. You just have to see two or three feet ahead of you. This is right up there with the best advice about writing, or life, I have ever heard.
u/NoMo_Moto · 4 pointsr/IWantToLearn

For dealing with e-mails and various scraps of paper, I recommend reading Getting Things Done by David Allen. For organizing any long term tasks or projects, I recommend The Project Success Method by Clinton Padgett.

Other than that, I would recommend trying to go paperless as much as possible. Purchase a good scanner like the Fujitsu ScanSnap and try to utilize smart phone apps that can convert images to PDF (such as CamScanner for Android). I would also recommend using services such as DropBox and Evernote to help keep notes and files organized and synced across all your computers/devices.

Just remember the key to a good system is something that is simple to use. If it takes too much time you won't stick to it and your filing system will begin to fall apart.

u/Jinnofthelamp · 4 pointsr/books

I quite like Getting Things Done but it has a few drawbacks. I'll paste in one of my older comments about the system.

&gt;One of the most commonly recommended systems is called Getting Things Done.
&amp;nbsp; A while back David Allen wrote a book describing his system for Getting Things Done. Unfortunately the system doesn't really take a lot of explaining so to get the page count he needed Allen included a lot of what many feel is fluff. If you like the system and want to get a deeper understanding I would recommend the book, but if you just want to get your feet wet there are several sites out there that have nice quick start guides.
&amp;nbsp; This is a nice site that explains Getting Things Done quite well. The site 43folders also has several nice blog posts on using GTD. One major drawback I have found is that the original GTD is very much based on a paper based system. Built for the classic office worker with a giant In tray full of papers. I highly recommend adaption to suit your personal needs.
Personally I use a notebook version of GTD like this guide here.

&gt;I also now use google keep quite a bit for whenever I need to make a quick note. There are some other systems out there but I suggest looking at GTD first so even if it doesn't work out, you will know what about the system does not work.

Edit: I hate it when people change their websites all willy nilly.

u/orangeh · 4 pointsr/sysadmin

Getting Things Done has helped me manage all the "stuff" i have to do.

u/nildram · 4 pointsr/ADHD

I have been there. That really sucks, I'm sorry.

If our brains are similar then you may find some solace in stoicism. Listen to this on audio book "http://www.amazon.ca/Guide-Good-Life-Ancient-Stoic/dp/0195374614&quot;.

This too shall pass.

u/billcurry · 4 pointsr/IWantToLearn

What aren't you confident about?

My suggestion would be to practice meeting new people regularly. Just get out there and start talking to people. Talk to anyone, men or women, young or old. Especially talk to beautiful women. Be friendly and kind and go out of your way to start conversations with total strangers. It'll probably be awkward at first, and you'll definitely get shut down a few times and it will hurt, but it will get better. You'll start to realize that getting turned down is the worse thing that could happen and it won't kill you, and the conversations that do go well will really boost your confidence and make you feel empowered. You might want to check out The Game by Neil Strauss.

u/acangiano · 4 pointsr/secretsanta

I would send him this book and this book. I know they are controversial, but let's face it, chances are the guy is depressed because he feels lonely. I'd also recommend writing a kick ass letter to encourage him, as mentioned by yaboyAllen.

u/Hooblar · 4 pointsr/everymanshouldknow

Really feel that 48 Laws of Power should be on here.

u/Derparita · 4 pointsr/breakingmom

I have a book I'd like you to read. It's called Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. It was suggested to me by my ex's therapist, when I joined him in a therapy session and ended up sobbing. It helped me see things from a different perspective and gave me strength I didn't know I had. The book drastically improved my life and it only took a few days to read. Here it is on Amazon. I was skeptical at first because:

  1. I had never read a self-help book before and had honestly zero faith that it would help anything.

    and,

  2. The cover of the book made me defensive because it says something about controlling others.

    But, read it. It all makes sense once you get into it, and I really think your situation will hugely improve if you do. It's just a book, so worst case scenario, you don't gain anything from it but another book to add to the list of books you've read. Best case scenario, your life is changed for the better.

    Here it is on Overdrive, you can see if it is available at your local library or even in e-book form.

    Edit Actually, I found the e-book online for free (actually it is a free 4-title bundle of her books, but it includes the one I am recommending) so I downloaded it to my Dropbox account. I'll PM you the link so you can just click the link and read it. If anyone else wants to read the book, PM me and I'll send you the link too.
u/kpezkpez · 4 pointsr/relationship_advice

Agree 100% with the above. Suggest reading Codependant No More as well. Good luck. Keep your chin up.

u/Vascodamus · 4 pointsr/writing

In my personal couple's counseling, our counselor has recommended two books so far: Codependent No More
and
Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No

These are both specific to our particular issues, but maybe you could find some use :) Good luck!

u/temp_guy7777 · 4 pointsr/BPDlovedones

I have been doing a lot of self reflection, and I had the same thing to be attracted to needy cluster b types. I chased a narc for years, begging for scraps of attention. After my recent divorce, all I can say is, I am to blame for getting into the relationship and staying. Read this https://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025/ref=sr_1_3?keywords=codependent&amp;qid=1567971717&amp;s=gateway&amp;sr=8-3 , and also work on meditation and finding yourself, ask yourself why aren't you enough for you, why is there a drive for another to complete you.

u/schmidtmj · 4 pointsr/Codependency

Codpendent No More by Melody Beattie

The one and only book I've read. It was very helpful for me.

u/TheBraveChoice · 4 pointsr/AsOneAfterInfidelity

I recommend this book to anyone who identifies with any of the symptoms of codependency:

Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself https://www.amazon.com/dp/0894864025/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_tai_c0caCbTEGFWS2

It's a classic. Every social worker and counselor I know has read it and recommends it often. My WS and I both have codependent tendencies, but they play out of different ways. My issue is that I tend to take responsibility for others' happiness, and by extension, responsibility for their actions. My WS tends to feel the need to take on others’ problems, and in doing so can become inappropriately entwined emotionally.

This played out both in her affair, and the way I have tried to come to terms with it. Knowing and understanding our tendencies, we can navigate more clearly through the challenges presented by the different ways we experience and respond to the other is doing/saying.

In short, understanding this concept has improved our rebuilt marriage immensely.

Cheers,

u/Detective_Lindy · 4 pointsr/StopSpeeding

First of all, congratulations on six months sober! Congratulations on the four year stretch before your last relapse. You say some things that are unkind about yourself and addicts in general (the notion that they are “selfish” and...I don’t want to disagree with you to hard here, since that is the received wisdom...but let me try to reframe it a bit: you have made a commitment to getting and staying sober, and that is a set of skills that is going to see you through, whether you have reached your last relapse or not.) You are also incredibly brave to put this out there, and your parents are extremely loving and patient with you (and themselves!) They don’t make themselves out to be victims, nor do they treat you as a villain who has fucked up their plans...that is what support looks like, and you are extremely lucky to have them). This is a long video, but I watched all of it, and it seemed to pass in about two minutes. It’s chock full of good advice, and anyone here who has a problem, but is afraid to tell those who are close to them should seriously consider sitting down with their loved ones to watch it together. I wanted to make some bullet points for anyone who doesn’t have the time and inclination to view all of this, because there is so much good advice here for family members who know someone who is struggling with addiction, so:

  • You know that something is off because things are missing/out of place (steak knives and soda cans that have been cut up with them here).
  • Addicts live in denial and it’s going to rub off on you. You don’t want to ruin your standing in the community, and the problem is still viewed as shameful...but there are resources out there for people exactly like you. Find and participate in a support group, especially if you don’t want to.
  • Don’t protect your addict from consequences (your father mentions not calling the police at one point when he knows that it is the right thing to do).
  • Be careful about enabling bad behavior (your parents talk about buying you groceries, and you tell them straight up, “When you did that, I used my money for drugs.”) The corollary to this is that one thing you can as an addict is tell those who support you is the truth about what you will do when they offer help.
  • Be patient and be prepared to let go without giving up. (Your mother talks about going to bed when it is extremely cold out, worrying that you will freeze to death, because you are on the streets.)
  • This isn’t stated explicitly, but learn about codependency. The hallmark of codependent behavior is trying to control other people. Addicts are very good at using codependent behavior to enable their addiction. (Your mother talks about putting bars on her windows and setting alarms, after the vendor who is about to install them tells her straight up that you will adapt to them so that you can use within the restrictions they impose.) The best book I have found on codependency so far is this one. A few comments on it: it was written by an addict, and the one thing I got out of it more than anything is how addicts themselves exhibit a lot of traits that she lists as “codependent.” The biggest gem among her advice for overcoming codependency is to set goals. This works for addiction, and it works for those who live with addicts (but not if your goal is simply “quit using” or “I want my son or daughter to quit using.”...that is based on the codependent hallmark of control, after all).

    On a personal note, I felt a lot of emotion toward the end when you told your parents that you love them, they told you that they love you, and you hugged at the end. You have suffered enormously for your addiction. I believe that you are going to make it because you have this kind of support system.
    &amp;nbsp;
    On a polemical note, I watched Dr. Phil do what is essentially an intervention a few days ago. He had an alcoholic grandmother with two disgusted daughters who decided to cut her out of their lives because she wouldn’t admit she has a problem (but would admit that “she likes drinking”). It makes for great ratings, but is the absolute wrong thing to do. This woman is probably going to drink herself to death, and if she doesn’t she is going to drink herself to continued misery...which she won’t feel, and that’s why she drinks! Your parents are the other side of the coin. They didn’t give up or shun you because of your problems. They saw your problem as their problem. They gave you love and support in ways that are appropriate (your dad had lunch with you, even when you were dirty and smelly, and he told you that he loved you no matter what). You have a strong foundation for loving yourself, and you are extremely lucky to have two parents who are that loving. I’m impressed with what you chose to do with that love.
u/SlovenianHobbes27 · 4 pointsr/relationship_advice

"And through all this he has never thanked me. He doesn't even act like he cares that this past year was hard for me as well. At times he seems to actually resent me. We never spend time together, he doesn't go out of his way to help me in any capacity."

Honey, I'm so sorry you're going through this. But people show you who they are, especially in tough times. He has shown you who he is. Your desire to change him, to "fix this" is a sign of codependancy. Please read up on codependancy, especially the book http://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025 . Go to your local libary and read.

You can't change him, he has to want to change himself and he has to work hard on changing himself, and that will require years of therapy and hard work on his part, and lots of suffering on your part.

He's toxic. You're suffering because of him. Why don't you walk away? What do you, realistically, have to lose? The relationship seems really one sided and toxic. You seem like a very caring, lovely person, who he has been taking advantage of. Why don't you take off some time from relationships, work on yourself and then find someone who will treat you much better?

I also encourage you to read, for future relationships, "5 languages of love" and "His needs, her needs". It will help you and your future partner, someone who will care for you and treat you much better, to have a very happy relationship.

Please, break up with him and set yourself free.

If you want to talk more, I strongly urge you to post here -&gt;talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/ .

Also, send me a message or reply here if you want to talk more.

Best wishes

u/merow · 4 pointsr/AskReddit

Seriously go to the book store right now, buy this book and read it.

http://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025

u/adhi- · 4 pointsr/cscareerquestions

ok dude, i really feel for you and see that you're struggling in this thread. i personally understand the lesson /u/csp256 is trying to teach you, because i learned it the hard way myself. but because it's just reddit comments its hard to put it eloquently.

everything about all of your comments and your post just absolutely screams to me that you are due for a mindset shift like i had 2 years ago. in a few words, stop focusing on what you want or what's right for you, and start focusing on what you can bring to the table. you NEED (i seriously mean NEED) to read this book. i absolutely implore you to please for the love of god read this book. in fact, i'm going to message you in 2 weeks to see if you have and i want to hear your thoughts on it. capische?

u/loggerheader · 4 pointsr/brisbane

Thats a tough one dude and I sympathise. TBH most people probably dislike their job.

I'd be identifying whether its the profession or the job itself. A career counsellor might work, but I'd be trying to find a mentor within your sector. Is there anyone you can reach out to?

I'd also recommend reading this if you can: https://www.amazon.com.au/Good-They-Cant-Ignore-You/dp/1455509124

u/notveryaccurate · 4 pointsr/wholesomememes

I'm not OP, but I certainly do. This book helped me out immensely.

https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-Handbook-David-Burns/dp/0452281326

u/FifteenthPen · 4 pointsr/getting_over_it

&gt;...it's a lonely world without parents.

This is true, but it's still a better world than one with toxic parents.

If you haven't read it already, I highly recommend Susan Forward's "Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy". It was very helpful for me in understanding that I was justified in cutting off contact with my parents, and that my life is better without them in it.

u/seanomenon · 4 pointsr/alcoholism

You are doing the right thing by kicking this guy out. It's the right thing for you, and also the right thing for him. In an odd way, kicking him out could be doing him a favor. He will have to face the full consequences of his alcoholism. It may force him to deal with his problem sooner.

You've gone above and beyond to help someone, now take care of yourself.

FWIW, this is a common scenario for people who grew up with toxic parents. (Be they alcoholic, addict, abusive, or similar.) We tend to feel a responsibility to take care of everything and fix everything, sometimes to our own detriment. There are two good books about the subject you may be interested in:

Adult Children of Alcoholics by Janet Woititz.

Toxic Parents by Susan Forward.

u/Napoleptic · 3 pointsr/INTP

Something that I think is unfortunately not discussed as much as it should be is how to find the RIGHT therapy and therapist for you and what to do before the first session. After working unsuccessfully with a few therapists, I was lucky enough to find one who speaks INTP. :) That obviously makes a HUGE difference. I think him being male helps too (I suspect a lot of other women would prefer to see someone of the same sex, but seeing a male worked well for me). I had worked on myself for years, but by finding the right therapist, I found myself making progress at the pace that I would have expected to given the amount of effort I put in (which was a LOT). Suddenly I went from feeling like I was spinning my wheels, putting in tons of effort for very little progress, to feeling the happiest I'd felt in years—DESPITE the fact that I was experiencing emotional trauma the whole while. Here are some things I wish someone had told me before I started looking for a therapist:

Understand what you do (and don't) want to accomplish, determine what you are and aren't willing to do, and communicate that to the therapist. I Googled what I should expect in an evaluation appointment. You may need to prepare nothing—I was merely told to show up. But being me, I printed some things out beforehand to hand to the therapist. I included present and past diagnoses and treatments (so the therapist had a starting place), my symptoms, my goals (alleviating the symptoms, but also essential for me is understanding and solving the root problem), and desired approach (analytical). The therapist read it and chuckled. He said, "Well, that answers everything I was going to ask you," and then we took a few minutes to clarify some points. He briefly explained his approach to me and what I could expect. I was out of there in well under an hour.

Understand what approach you want to take. Some people want emotional validation and are annoyed when the therapist offers advice. That approach may work for them, but it doesn't work me—I'm not there for emotional validation, I'm there because I need someone else's help to find an effective solution to a problem I can't solve on my own. If exploring my emotions is part of the process, then I will gladly do it, but that's not WHY I'm there.

Understand that a really great therapy/therapist for one person will be an abysmal therapy/therapist for another. I currently see a therapist who, when I cry, does nothing more than wait and listen. He doesn't frown or make soothing sounds/statements or do anything at all to make me FEEL better. That works great for me (he is the only person on the planet I actually don't mind crying in front of and it's BECAUSE he doesn't try to comfort me), but I completely understand why that would instantly turn others off. Likewise, his approach (CBT) worked great for me (I suspect it's easier to work with your thoughts when you're already hyper-aware of them), but it doesn't work for everyone.

Understand that your problems may take some time. Don't go in thinking you'll have two sessions and wham, bam, thank you ma'am, your problems will suddenly be no more. That likely isn't realistic. If you feel knowing the information would make you feel better in some way, ask how long/how many sessions they estimate it will take to effectively address your issues—and understand that it's just that, an estimate, and may change as they uncover more. They're unlikely to even be able to answer that until you've had at least a few sessions. So understand that there is a time factor involved. (One of the most helpful things the therapist has said to me about changing behavior is this: "We severely underestimate how entrenched we are in old behavioral patterns. And we severely underestimate how long it takes to establish new ones." It takes practice, practice, and more practice to override old, maladaptive behavior patterns. Did I mention practice? Basically a lot of what I had been doing in the past would have worked eventually, I just haven't given it enough practice yet.)

Understand when to walk away. If you've given it a fair chance and things aren't working for you, TALK to the therapist about it. They're trained professionals, but they're not mind-readers. ;) If after discussing it they do not change their approach and do not tell you why, tell them you need to know that or you'll walk. (On the other hand, understand when an approach is not working for you vs. when you merely dislike it.) If the therapist or therapy isn't working for after a reasonable amount of time, find someone else who is better for you. Finding someone/something that works for you is huge, so don't be afraid to go through a few therapists before you find what you need (I don't think this is discussed very often).

Understand that the therapist holds the map, but you're in the driver's seat. You select the destination, you choose whether to follow the route you're given, and you do the driving. The therapist can only show you the way there, you're the one who is responsible for taking yourself there. Be willing to do the work and commit to it. The therapist may give you assignments, and they may or may not be unpleasant. Be ready to follow through. Have a buddy help you if you think you need it. I set alarms to remind me.

Extra credit: be willing to do work on your own as well. When I learned my therapist used CBT (an approach that worked fantastically for me because I'm very in tune with my thoughts), I did some research on it and purchased the book The Feeling Good Handbook by David Burns and worked through the book on my own even as I was working with the therapist. I think therapy was more effective and efficient because of it. I also found a daily mood log worksheet (oddly enough, through an article about Overwatch) which I found particularly useful here:http://jameslstolz.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/Dailymood.pdf

My therapist also pointed me to PsychologyTools.com:https://www.psychologytools.com/download-therapy-worksheets/

Meditation helped me quite a bit too. There are free apps, but I found the Waking Up app to be worth the price if you can afford it. And if you can't, check out "How much does the app cost" under FAQs for how to get a free subscription:https://wakingup.com/

Taking notes during sessions were useful to me because I remember them better to begin with, and have something to refer to when my brain can't retain it all. Taking notes outside the sessions helps me record my discoveries and allows me to remember any questions to ask in pending sessions. And taking notes as I was working through some outside materials was also useful. I know note-taking won't help everyone, but I've found them indispensable.

Metrics were also really useful to me. Periodically taking an inventory of my symptoms over time helped me see that I was improving much more rapidly than what it felt like. I was too close to my problems to be able to see it objectively, but numbers don't lie. And seeing the numbers fall in the recurrence and severity of my symptoms gave me hope (which was huge).

I wish you the best of luck. Don't wait a minute longer to get help than you have to, otherwise you may find yourself mourning the years of your life that feel like they were lost because you didn't take action when you could have (I lost two decades that might have been the best years of my life if I'd sought a therapist earlier). Your life can be so much better than it is. Make finding help to get there a top priority. :)

u/callmejay · 3 pointsr/BettermentBookClub

&gt;might not follow through with the lessons in the book.

This seems like the obvious avenue for improvement. If a lesson seems promising, try it.

Maybe it would help to try books that are more like workbooks? This is one of the best ever written.

u/dripless_cactus · 3 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

The Feeling Good Hand Book by David D. Burns, really helped me a lot. It's based around journaling when you have an episode and rationalizing these kind of statements out. He goes over a ton of common mental traps, how to identify them and how to best combat them).

For example, "Im sure my boss is going to think I'm a fool" is mind-reading and labeling-- In reality you don't know what your boss thinks of you unless you ask, he probably doesn't actually think that based on good work you've done before, and making a mistake does not make you a fool- it doesn't make you anything except a person who made a mistake.

Most of all I really do appreciate his discussion on "should" and "should nots" I'm not even sure I can describe how much my thinking was changed by this book.

u/viciousnemesis · 3 pointsr/depression

Nice try, Mr. Burns. Just kidding. Here's a link on amazon:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0452281326?pc_redir=1412009301&amp;amp;robot_redir=1

u/steelcitykid · 3 pointsr/Trichsters

Right there with you. About 3 weeks ago I had a full head of hair. Fairly certain that most of my office has noticed that something us up, I didn't just spontaneously gain a bald spot in that time frame. Sucks but all I can do is try to stay mindful.


My psychiatrist recommended the book The Feeling Good Handbook and it's being delivered today. He mentioned this when I asked about cognitive behavior therapy as any and all medicinal routes I have undergone have proven ineffective for me. If you'd like, I can update you as to my thoughts after having read it.

Take care and don't beat yourself up. You're a human being deserving of love, respect, and happiness. We're all flawed, our's is just a more visible flaw!

u/Ebomb1 · 3 pointsr/ftm

Are you living independently? What is your relationship with your mother now? What I'm seeing is that you're frightened and scared, and would transition if you felt safe. And what you think would make it safe is if your mother died. That's pretty heavy. Abuse puts your life in a hole and it's hard to climb out when the only option you feel you have is waiting for a person to die.

I think finding freedom from the control your mother had over your past transition decisions would be a practical place to start. Although it's pretty old, Susan Forward's Toxic Parents is still a relevant and accessible book.

u/muinamir · 3 pointsr/hoarding

I can relate to a lot of this. I grew up in a toxic household that gave VERY mixed signals on cleaning and organizing. Your paralysis in cleaning up and completing tasks on time is quite likely due to being neurally wired that way by a fearful and fraught upbringing. It takes directed effort to undo it (often via a trauma-aware therapist) and sometimes also meds.

I dunno if you've read anything about c-PTSD, but if you don't have the means to regularly see a therapist right now, it might help to read up on trauma and its long-term effects. Pete Walker has some good articles on his site. The book Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life is also very insightful. And have you seen anyone about your depression? For real, antidepressants helped me a LOT with general motivation.

For learning to stay on task, I found ADD-friendly Ways to Organize Your Life to be super helpful. I've never been diagnosed with ADHD; it was just a really good starting point for someone like me. FlyLady is a very gentle, positive site for learning about how to tidy up, so check that out.

Also, I promise not all Millennials are Konmari minimalists who will judge you forever for having stuff. I've seen all levels of stuff in the homes of people my age or younger. Friends were on the whole way more chill (maybe too chill) than I expected about the condition of my apartment over the years.

u/LawGrl22 · 3 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

Have you read this book?

u/Pelirrojita · 3 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

I'm sorry that you are in this situation. It is not your fault.

When I went to therapy, it was for a combination of depression/anxiety/gender dysphoria, but you'd be surprised how much of it comes back to family, and not in a bullshit Freudian way. So while it wasn't about abuse per se, my therapist and I ended up talking about my family every single time.

I'd say it helped. Not in that it changed them (how could it?), but that it helped me see why my parents were the way they were. It helped me understand them, and that helped me forgive them and forge a better relationship with them. (Moving out also helped a shit ton, I can't lie.)

I also recommend the book Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. It gets thrown around on Reddit a lot, and that's where I learned about it, not in therapy, but it is worth the read for a lot of people.

u/NotSuzyHomemaker · 3 pointsr/Random_Acts_Of_Amazon

Congrats on all the good stuff going on and good for you!

My week via amazon .... would have to be a combination of this and this. Hey, I see the connection there =P

u/blackbird842 · 3 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

https://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553381407/184-9525120-9701808?ie=UTF8&amp;amp;ref_=tsm_1_fb_lk

Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life by Dr. Susan Forward. I haven't read it yet but every review I've seen has said it's life changing and the excerpts I've seen so far have all been spot on.

u/Peche_fetch · 3 pointsr/news

You’re not alone. Years of bullying and, even now in my mid-30s, I find myself sometimes reliving the anxiety and terror of my teenage years. Trying to understand the triggers and find my peace with it. We can’t change our past experiences but we can recognize the effects on us today and find ways to let go of the pain/trauma.

Currently reading this and finding some useful info: Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving

u/RissaWasTaken · 3 pointsr/polyamory

You know how people say you should only try to quit smoking or lose weight if it's something you want to do for yourself, otherwise it won't take? Sure, you might be able to cut back for a while or drop a few pounds, until that super stressful day or holiday buffet comes along.

The reason "they" say that is simple: eventually, if your heart wasn't in it to begin with, you'll find a reason to go back to your old habits.

I'm all for broadening one's horizons and exploring new sides of yourself - and I firmly believe that not everyone who thinks they couldn't do it is right. However, "trying out" polyamory with so many barriers in your way from the start could be seriously harmful to your current relationship, future relationships, and your core self.

There absolutely ARE ways to "get over" almost all of that, but it is a long, arduous, often painful process. And the best way to start is with wanting to change - or at least explore the possibility of changing - those things about yourself which would prevent polyamory from being a positive influence on your life: possessive jealousy, competition, viewing love as a pie chart, potentially codependence, and any others not listed in your OP.

/u/alc6379 is correct: "Only problem with trying polyamory first is there's so much at stake..." IMO, you have to be not just curious what all the hoopla's about, you need to be honestly wanting to seek out polyamory for its own merits in your life, which means you have to think it has merit for you.

It's totally possible to go from "I could never do that" to "This is amazing, even if it isn't how I originally thought things would go", but that won't happen just because other people have made it work for them. Poly - like monogamy - isn't for everyone, and that's ok.

I would recommend picking up a few published books as primers and see how you feel after reading them: The Ethical Slut, Open, and Opening Up are some of the key introductory references most people crack open first.

Whatever you guys choose, I wish you the best of luck!

u/rooktakesqueen · 3 pointsr/polyamory

Here's the standard reading list! The Ethical Slut and Opening Up. They can be useful in many ways: giving you vocabulary to express things you might not have the words for at the moment, giving you exercises you can do to help you get past some of the jealousy and possession issues that almost always crop up, and providing advice on things to watch out for and hurdles you might have to face.

Oh, and they're just more evidence that you aren't alone, or even all that unusual. :)

u/ouchiesdublin · 3 pointsr/polyamory

Okcupid and fetlife are good places to contact people. There are quite a few people on both sites open to multiple partners, just use it as a couple rather than as an individual and be quite straightforward about what you're looking for. Remember, though, no-one likes to feel like they are just being used for sex, as a third or otherwise, so try to approach it in the same way you would ordinary dating, more or less.

Now, on to the trickier pragmatics. Poly doesn't work for everyone. You have to be ridiculously upfront, honest and open. Jealousy may rear its ugly head; that's normal. The trick is how you handle it. I would seriously recommend you get yourself some kind of poly primer and read it together before you delve any further. The Ethical Slut and Opening Up are good places to start. Good luck! And at the risk of sounding like Jerry Springer, be good to each other.

u/umbricat · 3 pointsr/polyamory

Have you been doing any reading? Sometimes reading some more perspectives and guides can really help you deal with your own feelings and look at why you feel the way you do.

Some of the most-recommended books I've seen are:
http://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;amp;s=books&amp;amp;qid=1279641267&amp;amp;sr=8-1

http://www.amazon.com/More-Than-Two-practical-polyamory/dp/0991399706

http://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut-Practical-Relationships-Adventures/dp/1587613379/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;amp;s=books&amp;amp;qid=1279722189&amp;amp;sr=8-1

If you just want someone to tell you who is right in your situation with your partner, nobody here is going to be able to help. Different people take different lengths of time to adjust to things, and different relationships need to progress at different speeds. Don't be too hard on yourself (or her) and make sure you keep communication open. :)

u/sexaccount9 · 3 pointsr/TrollXChromosomes

We do have rules, but none specifically for preventing attachment. We just figure the fact that we're in love and have a history and future plans together will take care of that. A new partner isn't going to trump that. You just need to be aware that the exciting feeling of someone new is a biological reality and recognize it for what it is, rather than get confused and think it invalidates your LTR.

If your relationship feels solid, then bring it up as a general topic and see what your partner thinks. You should only try this if you guys are in a good place together, and not as a patch to fix a relationship that's on the rocks.

Here's a book we found helpful. http://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X

u/CandLinPC · 3 pointsr/nonmonogamy

Ok. First things first. Pick up a copy of Tristan Taormino's Opening Up This is literally the manual to creating and sustaining open relationships.

What you're experiencing with G is called New Relationship Energy, or NRE. In layman's terms, this is a crush-like time where you're having a visceral emotional connection and want to spend all of your time with him. NRE can be very strong, and will take over your thinking. Your boredom of T is likely just the NRE saying that you want to spend more time with G.

I think the most important thing right now is to take a deep breath and not make any snap judgements about where your relationships are going. That includes tamping down some of your NRE for G, and coming back down to the real world when you're with T. Keep yourself grounded.

Taormino's book is available in ebook and audiobook formats, so I would strongly encourage you to pick it up ASAP and get a crash course in making good decisions and having good communication in open relationships.

u/slapchoppin · 3 pointsr/polyamory

Along with a lot of the responses here, making a major decision like this over an evening's conversation raises some concern for your and your wife's approach and the longevity of the relationship.

Non-monogamy has a lot of nuances, a lot will be discovered over several months of conversation and actively dating outside of this relationship, but few over one conversation.

&amp;#x200B;

I would suggest taking a step back and educating yourselves, together, to learn more about what it means for your future:

1: Read open relationship and poly books together. Here are a few I'd suggest:

- Smart Girl's Guide to Polyamory

- Opening Up

- Polyamory in the 21st Century

2: Listen to the Multiamory Podcast on topics that you get stuck on or become aware of

- Multiamory

3: It also seems like a lot of assumptions are being made without explicit discussions. A core tenent of non-monogamy is honest communication.

&gt;I have no reason to believe...

- Have you explicitly asking, "Is there anyone you're actively interested in pursuing right now or someone that's pursuing you?

&gt;she’s never really viewed sex as a “big deal”

- Then why open up the relationship? For sex? To capture a sense of who she used to be? Who did she used to be? These questions aren't meant to discount your wife's needs/desires/wants to open up, but getting to the core reason of opening up will make the purpose, form, and function of your and other relationships clear.

4: YOU don't have to practice non-monogamy just because your partner does. A lot of people will say a mono-poly relationship doesn't work. I don't subscribe to that belief. As long as the relationship is equal, it doesn't always means it's even - and that's your choice.

5: It doesn't matter how much you educate yourself, you'll make mistakes along the way. Have room for yourself and your partner/wife to make mistakes AND be willing to forgive for them as well as forgive yourself. It will require a level of serious honesty and willingness to be vulnerable and have courage.


Good luck!

u/sad_day_friends · 3 pointsr/sex

It's really easy to fuck up open relationships! It can take years to become comfortable with everything involved. However, it only takes one book to understand what you're up against and how to deal with it:

https://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X

I recommend not going into opening relationships without reading about them or talking to others about what that entails and how to make it work.

u/mysexypolypervyacct · 3 pointsr/polyamory

Yes! /u/throwawaypolymom, if you do want to understand more about how this really works, books really are a great resource. You don't have to be interested in implementing it yourself to understand the philosophy behind it, and they're better organized and argued than just our personal reddit anecdotes. They may be challenging (reading them made me so uncomfortable at first, because I was being challenged on deep-seated assumptions I'd been raised with), but there are some really wonderful resources out there. The Ethical Slut is a great first one. Sex at Dawn is nice for a more sociological perspective. More Than Two and Opening Up are also excellent. And Ask Me About Polyamory! is wonderfully light and great for little bite-size snapshots of what poly life is truly like.

u/yeslets · 3 pointsr/polyamory

You can't resolve it any more than you already have. The only way out is through. It sounds like it might be time for you to start dating more seriously and start learning with your partner how to navigate this next part of your lives together.

Communicate well with him and try not to get too caught up in NRE (or at least remember to bring home the good parts and let it rub off on your relationship with him).

If you're looking for resources, check out More than Two (and maybe Opening Up).

u/OrionsArmpit · 3 pointsr/bestof

Umm. no. not at all.

Go read the modern poly classic "Ethical Slut" or "Opening Up" or read some of the wiki and faq's on https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory
/r/nonmonogamy

You have a very broken sexist view of non-monogamous relationships.

u/Malechus · 3 pointsr/polyamory

First of all, congratulations! It is an uncommon person who can look at this situation and place the happiness and welfare of the people he loves over his ego and societal expectations.

If this is your first foray into non-monogamy, I definitely recommend doing the reading; The Ethical Slut is an excellent place to start, kind of the old testament of the poly bible. And if that's true, then More Than Two is the New Testament. I would also recommend, since you are opening an existing marriage, reading Tristan Taormino's Opening Up.

I do want to point out one thing, though.

&gt;It was a closeted bisexual's best case scenario

If you are angling to turn this V into a triad, don't keep it a secret. Be up front and honest about what you want. Even if it doesn't work out, you'll know you acted properly.

Best of luck to you and yours!

u/Semiel · 3 pointsr/relationships

First off, it's totally ok to be vanilla. If you're truly not interested in rough sex, that's totally legit. You shouldn't feel guilty or pressured.

The absolute first step is to talk to her. You've got to be honest and communicative in your relationships, especially on sensitive issues like this.

As far as where to go after that, you have a couple choices here. If you're willing to entertain the idea of rougher sex, then there are resources that can help you. I've never personally read When Someone You Love is Kinky, but the authors are amazing and I've heard good things. You could pop over to /r/BDSMcommunity and get some advice over there. You could get on Fetlife and get advice there. There are lots of people out there who understand these issues really well, and they can help you work through it.

Ask her what she specifically wants you to do, and see if you can imagine doing it for her pleasure, as a service to her. If you recognize that what you see as unpleasant, she finds pleasurable, it might help you deal with it. Maybe you'll even eventually get into it. You obviously have some serious issues with violence, and maybe consensual and loving play with the appearance of violence will help you process it. But maybe not.

If you decide that you just can't give her what she needs, you've essentially got three choices:

You could see whether she's willing to give up the idea of rough sex. If it's just a passing fancy, that might not be a big problem. If it's a bigger part of her fantasy life, however, it might not work so well.

You could also break up with her. Sexuality is really important, and it's not shallow to break up with someone for sexual reasons. I get the impression you don't want to do that, however.

The final possibility is that you could discuss ways she could get her kinky needs satisfied without your involvement. An open relationship can go a long way towards fixing issues with sexual compatibility. There are a whole range of possible relationship designs that might work better for you than ordinary monogamy. On one end of the spectrum, you might find that you two take to polyamory easily, and just go all the way towards openness. On the other end, you might be able keep a lot of the normal structure with a couple tweaks. I know a lot of people who are generally monogamous, but who are allowed to engage in BDSM play under certain conditions (nothing involving genitals is a pretty normal rule, but you can choose the rules that work best for the two of you).

If you decide to go that route, come talk to us in /r/polyamory. The two best books are generally considered to be The Ethical Slut and Opening Up.

u/johoso · 3 pointsr/OkCupid

Two things:

Don't be afraid to ask about it. Usually, something along the lines of "I noticed you're listed as seeing someone else, are you still looking for more people to date?" should suffice. Communication and transparency is paramount to the majority of poly people.

Secondly, if you've never been in a situation where polyamory is on the table, do some research; read this stuff:

Opening Up

The Ethical Slut

Sex at Dawn

Good luck!

u/hotwingbias · 3 pointsr/sex

Opening Up is also a good book to look into. It's a broad overview on open relationships in general, as well as polyamory, partnered monogamy and various other ways of looking at human sexuality.

Edited my previous comment because I was too lazy to give a brief description and an Amazon link...

u/mehrracct · 3 pointsr/sex

It's also worth checking out The Ethical Slut and Opening Up.

u/gregbrahe · 3 pointsr/polyamory

[Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships]
(http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/157344295X?pc_redir=1404362674&amp;amp;robot_redir=1)

u/scootitnbootit · 3 pointsr/mentalhacks

If you take things personally offer you should read The Four Agreements. This book really helped me understand that people's actions have almost nothing to do with you and more to do with themselves. It's a great read.

u/Glebatron · 3 pointsr/Mindfulness

A short book called The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz has one of the best explanations for how to deal with people who are lost and struggling with their life. It's really quite eye opening and one of those books that will change your life.

https://www.amazon.com/The-Four-Agreements-Practical-Personal/dp/1878424319

u/icarusgirl · 3 pointsr/Swingers

&gt; Also, try to remember that nobody can affect your mood and attitude but you. An ignorant piece of shit should NEVER cause you to get pissed. That just means they are controlling you. It's their bad, not yours. So just try to always keep calm and brush off ignorant people. Yes, couples who shun you that previously loved you will sting, but try to just brush it off. You don't need them in your life, so just think of them as a disposable fuck toy and throw them away.

That is such good advice, for anyone.

I LOVE the book The 4 Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, and your advice corresponds with one of the 4: Don't Take Anything Personally. That sounds easier said than done, but the way he explains it is so simple that it's profound. The book really changed me for the better.

I also keep this gif handy. It makes me laugh and it helps me give no fucks. :)

u/sendddit · 3 pointsr/Vent

12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos https://www.amazon.com/dp/0345816021/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_VMUyCb8A87B92

this book changed my perspective and helped tremendously. this comment will prob get voted down by leftist ideologues but dont listen to them. trust me on this and give this book a shot.

u/syntaxsmurf · 3 pointsr/Denmark
u/rjacome · 3 pointsr/booksuggestions

12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos – Jordan B. Peterson
Read the table of contents to see if that's what you want: https://www.amazon.com.br/12-Rules-Life-Antidote-Chaos/dp/0345816021

u/randoogle_ · 3 pointsr/gainit

INTP/ENTP "spiritual person" here. Your routine and motivation is not the root issue. The self-hate is the root issue. The way you view yourself and how you relate to yourself (and by extension, the world) is very very dysfunctional, and I guarantee it's fucking up your life in more ways than one.

The negative self-talk is not reality, not objective, and not who you really are. The voice in your head is not only wrong and destructive, it's not even you.

You have a disconnect between different parts of yourself. You hate being "grounded" because when you're in that state, your ego isn't in charge, and you're forced to look at everything inside you you've been fighting. Learn to sit with that pain and not fight it... just let it happen, and watch it swell and then recede. This is, in essence, mindfulness meditation.

Try reading some of these, based on what stands out to you. They are all helpful.

  • The Power of Now --A book about the true nature of self and reality. Heavy Eastern influence. This book has influenced me the most out of the list, and maybe even altered the course of my life.

  • Radical Acceptance --A Buddhist book about loving yourself fully and completely. You are worth it!

  • 12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos --A book by a brilliant man about how to live in a world defined by pain and suffering. Heavy Jungian influence. Quotes and references the Bible a lot, but from a Jungian/Campbellian perspective. Occasionally questionable politics.

  • Iron John --A sort of esoteric book filled with poetry and fairy tales about how to be a man. Heavy Jung/Campbell influence.

  • The Enchiridion by Epictetus --This is one of the best introductions to Stoicism, and it's free. Written circa 125 CE.

  • Feeling Good --CBT book clinically shown to be as effective as antidepressants. Your post is filled with things this book addresses directly. HIGHLY RECOMMENDED

  • The Happiness Trap --A book about ACT, which is similar to CBT with more mindfulness. Basically CBT tries to get rid of/replace the distorted images of yourself and the world, and ACT tries instead to see them for what they really are, which are meaningless ramblings of an organ using evolved mechanisms to protect its host, and as such are safely ignored.

    Tl;dr: Learn to be kind to yourself, love yourself, and accept yourself just as you are right now, flaws and all.
u/MadSparty · 3 pointsr/RedPillWomen

12 Rules For Life: An Antidote to Chaos

If you like fiction, check out Ayn Rand's three novels in order of: Anthem, Fountainhead, and finally Atlas Shrugged. If you must only read one of them, read Fountainhead if you want to learn more about yourself, and Atlas Shrugged if you want to be red-pilled about the world.

u/AnxiousBasterd · 3 pointsr/brasilivre

Ele é um psicólogo muito conceituado (Harvard etc) que publicou um livro com 12 regras para dar significado à vida, focando muito em responsabilidade pessoal (clean your room). Lógico os vermelhinhos ficaram butthurt porque eles não gostam de nada que foque no indivíduo, acham que a solução para tudo está na luta de classes/sexos/raças. É essa disparidade que o desenho tenta captar.

https://theconversation.com/psychologist-jordan-peterson-says-lobsters-help-to-explain-why-human-hierarchies-exist-do-they-90489

A lagosta é um exemplo de como hierarquias não são só normais como estão embutidas no nosso DNA como uma característica imposta durante a evolução. (Os comunistas não gostam de hierarquias, bidu) Isso é demonstrado pelo fato que as lagostas possuem um sistema de controle de estresse muito parecido com o nosso, tão equivalente que antidepressivos feitos para nós (serotonin uptake inhibitors) funcionam em lagostas da mesma forma, apesar de nosso ancestral comum ter aparecido a 600 milhões de anos atrás. Acabou virando um meme depois dessa entrevista desastrosa com a Cathy Newman do Channel 4 UK.

u/randomchatbot42 · 3 pointsr/Romania

&gt; In primul rand ca peterson nu prea are treaba cu self help

“Grow up and man up is the message from this rock-star psychologist. . . . [A] hardline self-help manual of self-reliance, good behaviour, self-betterment and individualism that probably reflects his childhood in rural Canada in the 1960s. As with all self-help manuals, there’s always a kernel of truth. Formerly a Harvard professor, now at the University of Toronto, Peterson retains that whiff of cowboy philosophy—one essay is a homily on doing one thing every day to improve yourself. Another, on bringing up little children to behave, is excellent…. [Peterson] twirls ideas around like a magician.” —Melanie Reid, The Times

Din recenziile oficiale de aici https://www.amazon.com/12-Rules-Life-Antidote-Chaos/dp/0345816021

Sunt multe lucruri de dezbatut despre el, dar faptul ca focus-ul lui e self-help mi se pare destul de clar

u/tkannelid · 3 pointsr/writing

Abusers in general tend to be charming in public, well-liked, and they keep their abuse quiet. Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That? is a good description of how this works, what to expect, how abusers tend to think, and the odds of improvement.

One thing that stood out to me was the cycle of charm vs abuse. The abuser appears charming to their victim, respectful, showering them with attention, the perfect romantic partner. Then they switch off and turn scary, possibly violent -- whatever their type of abuse entails.

Another type is the character who has full social graces but no moral fetters. They might even have noble goals, but they are not willing to constrain their means.

u/skippedrecord · 3 pointsr/RBNRelationships

This is super common for ACONs, there are books (Not The Price Of Admission, Why Does He Do That?). But the real solution might be therapy, it's difficult and sucky and you should probably be single while you work on yourself but there isn't really an easy answer to this one.

u/LocalAmazonBot · 3 pointsr/relationships

Here are some links for the product in the above comment for different countries:

Amazon Smile Link: this book


|Country|Link|
|:-----------|:------------|
|UK|amazon.co.uk|
|Spain|amazon.es|
|France|amazon.fr|
|Germany|amazon.de|
|Japan|amazon.co.jp|
|Canada|amazon.ca|
|Italy|amazon.it|
|China|amazon.cn|




This bot is currently in testing so let me know what you think by voting (or commenting). The thread for feature requests can be found here.

u/Phoenie81 · 3 pointsr/domesticviolence

Hi friend

I'm really sorry that he's done this to you. The strangulation the running in terror it all sounds so scary and awful. I believe you and I'm sorry that others don't...the sad thing is that them not believing you doesn't change the fact that it did. People have a way of believing what they want to believe.

It's still early days and it sounds like you're in traumatic bonding which I'd expect so soon on. You need him to be there to give you hugs and support you're missing that without him and it's so hard. It's natural to want the day side of him you're bound to want that still there was all the good things you were drawn to.

The cars and his friends is really worrying. Can you get CCTV for your house? You can get it for under 100 on Amazon nowadays. Can you get deadbolts fitted on doors and an alarm? If nothing else it'll make you feel safer.

I'm really impressed with your strength here you're doing amazingly. Is there a dv outreach centre you can speak to, can the police refer you anywhere? Have you read Lundy Bancrofts book I think it'd give you great comfort. Don't forget we are here for you no matter what if you need anything just reach out

u/anyones_ghost27 · 3 pointsr/AskWomen

I'm still working on this, but a book I have found helpful is The Four Agreements

At first I wasn't sure about it because it's based on the wisdom and spirituality of the ancient Toltec civilization's religion. I'm not religious or spiritual but the four agreements themselves make a lot of sense.

u/SatinUnicorn · 3 pointsr/breakingmom

It's not easy! A couple books I really recommend are "The Four Agreements" - this book was transformative for me; and "Relationship Rescue" by Dr. Phil. Now if you're not a Dr. Phil fan don't let that turn you off from this book, I actually really dislike him based only watching his show but this book surprised me. It's honest, no nonsense, and really really helpful. There's also a workbook that I would highly recommend getting as well. If your husband does it with you, great, if not - you can still benefit from it tremendously.

u/NickTDS · 3 pointsr/seduction

As lingual_panda said, take a second to formulate your thoughts. This will also allow you to catch yourself when you're going to say something negative. Be consciously aware and stop the words from coming out of your mouth.

Reading introspective material helped me a ton. I started questioning why I was so bitter and began challenging those harmful thoughts. Don't Sweat The Small Stuff, The Four Agreements, and No More Mr. Nice Guy are excellent books that push you to be a more positive person.

Much of the cynicism and complaining stems from insecurity. Maybe you're frustrated or resentful with others. Figure out what's causing those feelings and eliminate them. And you have to accept that some people are the way they are -- there's no use in wasting your energy complaining.

When I'm truly satisfied and believe in myself, the last thing I want to do is bitch.

u/tramplemestilsken · 3 pointsr/AskWomen

A book I would recommend. The Four Agreements. Gives you some great perspectives on how to live a fulfilling life on your own terms.

u/fappityfapfapping · 3 pointsr/rant

I highly suggest you read The Four Agreements. It dives into an interesting perspective on ways to really give zero fucks about other people's problems and focus on yourself.

Unfortunately, all the perspective and advice in the world will not solve the problem of self entitled ass-hats who think it is their right to be absolute fucking narcissistic dick-heads for the sake of living the " American Dream ".

u/Upvotes_poo_comments · 3 pointsr/confession

You are your own person now. Don't ever let anyone else determine what value you place on yourself. Even if that person is your mother.

Please read "The Four Agreements". It's very short, but I think it should be required reading for young adults facing the world for the first time.

u/c-student · 3 pointsr/edmproduction

&gt; Something about having a finished song vs 8 bar loop makes me anxious.

You're not alone. You might check out The War of Art. It's about overcoming the self-sabotage that many artists deal with.

u/taozero · 3 pointsr/Anxiety

Couple of things to try:

Check out Mini-habits to get you moving.

The other is to try to just focus on the process:

"When your goal is to pay attention to only what you are doing right now, as long as you are doing just that, you are reaching your goal in each and every moment" - Thomas M. Sterner from The Practicing Mind: Developing Focus and Discipline in Your Life

Lastly there is a great book by a writer on the battle to create and write called, The War of Art.

Just my two bitcoins - I hope it helps. Hang in there!

u/ericxfresh · 3 pointsr/BettermentBookClub

off the top of my head:

Meditations, with The Inner Citadel as a reader

Letters from a Stoic

A Guide to the Good Life by Irvine

Do The Work by Pressfield as well as The War of Art by Pressfield

Managing Oneself by Ducker

Man's Search for Meaning by Frankl

What Predicts Divorce by Gottman

Nicomachean Ethics

Models by Manson seems to be popular on reddit

So Good They Can't Ignore You by Newport, as well

I'm currently reading Triumphs of Experience by Vaillant and find it insightful.

u/bluhEwanka · 3 pointsr/makinghiphop

The War of Art: Break Through the Blocks and Win Your Inner Creative Battles https://www.amazon.com/dp/1936891026/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_cP1ezbF60AMRT

u/ibuprofane · 3 pointsr/getdisciplined

Perhaps what you're feeling is what Steven Pressfield calls 'resistance' is his book "The War of Art". Resistance has a way of manifesting itself into a number of different forms that prevent you from getting your work done and from your description your anxiety might be part of that. I get that too, especially at the start of my projects and when I'm near finishing. The good news is that resistance can be beaten with the right mindset.

If you've never given it a read I highly recommend it; it should be standard reading for all creatives IMHO. Even for non-creatives it's probably the best anti-procrastination book I've ever read.

https://www.amazon.com/War-Art-Through-Creative-Battles/dp/1936891026

u/koosh12 · 3 pointsr/books

War on Art by Steven Pressfield
Its a very quick read and is inspirational at any stage of life. I try to read it once per year and it's my go-to book to bring on a plane.

u/c00ki3znkr34m · 3 pointsr/NoFap

" I will no longer procrastinate moving towards my dreams." Lol implying you're not NOW? Check out the book The War Of Art, trust me.

Here: http://www.amazon.com/The-War-Art-Through-Creative/dp/1936891026

Amazing story, I relate. You take the blinders off, it gets scary. Boys run back to their crutch, Men begin walking toward a new life. Don't go back there bro. Mentor others on here, this is incredible. You're truly an inspiration!!

u/housewifeonfridays · 3 pointsr/howtonotgiveafuck
u/HobbesTheBrave · 3 pointsr/marriedredpill

&gt; How do you get comfortable being uncomfortable?

Stoicism recommends going on about how it could be worse. You've got it bad? It could be even worse. You couldn't have a MRP-sub to whine on. You couldn't have WiFi. You might not be able to read and write. You could be living in shittier places. Your situation could be way worse. You could be blind or deaf. You could be lonelier, that nobody cared about telling you to shut up and go lift. Your woman could be worse. And so on.

Where does it say that your life is supposed to be comfortable?

When you feel like whining, list how it could be worse, notice how good you've got it, and when you've stopped bitching, go to fucking work.

The ideas are from 'A guide to the good life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy'.

u/poochiethedog · 3 pointsr/vzla

Tengo muchos pensamientos similares a los tuyos, algo que aprendi es que ir a terapia no es "de locos", y realmente ayuda MUCHO mas de lo que crees que la necesitas. Todavia me falta recorrer mas de mi camino pero ahora al menos puedo reconocer y entender mis emociones un poco mas.

Este libro me ha ayudado en momentos dificiles: A Guide to the Good Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy

u/HerMajestysReddit · 3 pointsr/howtonotgiveafuck

I do recommend it. It's a great little book by Professor William B. Irvine called "A Guide to the Good Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy". Find it here.

u/hairlesscaveman · 3 pointsr/DAE

Sorta, until I read this book: http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/0195374614

Changed my entire perspective on life. Now I'm not afraid of much. Except pain, but that's natural and healthy. End aggressive feminists, because they're just unnatural and evil.

u/peronium1 · 3 pointsr/uwaterloo

Not sure if fully related to your situation, but when I struggled with school I was recommended this book from my counsellor:
https://www.amazon.ca/Mindset-Psychology-Carol-S-Dweck/dp/0345472322

The short of it is that you either think you know everything already and are reaching a limit, or you come to internalize that you are able to grow and overcome challenges with time, hard work, and the right support.

u/greevous00 · 3 pointsr/AskEngineers

You can't develop talent? I totally disagree with that, Mr. Fixed-Mindset.

u/alphabezier · 3 pointsr/xxfitness

The skating example in the article reminded me of the book Mindset. It describes two types of mindsets - fixed and growth. Where those with a 'fixed' mindset stick to things they are good at already, are afraid of failing or not knowing things, etc. And those with a 'growth' mindset are willing to try new things and learn from experiences even when they're not instantly successful at something.

u/YouAreSalty · 3 pointsr/xboxone

I suggest then that you two read the two following books

https://www.amazon.com/Mindset-Psychology-Carol-S-Dweck/dp/0345472322/

https://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-Language-Life-Changing-Relationships/dp/189200528X/

Suggested by MS CEO, Satya Nadella. I read them, and they solidified a lot of things that were helpful in dealing with issues like this.

u/AXELBAWS · 3 pointsr/getdisciplined

This is actually something I know how to do!

It is true that failure will help and strengthen you but you will still avoid it. You need to ask yourself WHY you are afraid of failing. Is it not being able to save face? Probably not.

Many of us unfortunately (subconsciously maybe?) believe that our results reflect our ABILITIES, not our PERFORMANCE. By always seeing results as an reflection of your performance will not only get over fear of failure, but also WANT TO do your best as you want to know how good you can get.

"How do I change my mindset?"

I would recommend you to do one thing. Read this book:

http://www.amazon.com/Mindset-The-New-Psychology-Success/dp/0345472322

Edit: Realized my writing is shit, but it is OK cuz that doesn't necessarily mean I'm a bad writer!

u/Leisureguy · 3 pointsr/wicked_edge

In the book I comment on the power of cognitive dissonance---which is quite strong---and thus the positive effects of starting the day taking time and care in doing something that is clearly for yourself: treating yourself very nicely, with the simplest way to reduce cognitive dissonance being to feel that you deserve this sort of thing: that you're worth the trouble, as it were. That leads to acting in ways that you think the sort of guy worth taking that amount of trouble would act: i.e., one starts thinking better of oneself, and then works to live up to that better image, which leads to observing oneself doing good things and accomplishing things, reconfirming the (self-)impression that one is the sort of person one respects... a virtuous circle.

The fact is that in any situation or circumstance, most people already know what they should do or the decision they should make. This little start to the day adds just enough push so that you do some of the things and make some of the decisions---and those actions start the cycle of positive feedback, which can move quickly (cf. regenerative feedback).

EDIT/Update: BTW, I think it's important that this little push toward a better view of yourself is unobtrusive---i.e., tied to a necessary daily task that you must in any case do---and is pleasurable (honey draws more flies than vinegar, and people learn faster from seeking pleasure than from avoiding pain), and (most important) daily: slow and steady will gradually start the ball rolling. It may take a while to get going, but once it starts, it does pick up speed because of the self-reinforcing (regenerative) nature of the process. Carol Dweck talks about this in the book Mindset (and see also Mindset Online).

u/Yert15 · 3 pointsr/medicalschool

Sounds like this book, you should check it out if you haven't. Good luck to you!

EDIT: Ah. After a nice downvote, I noticed it's mentioned in the post. Well, there's the mentioned book.

u/Duffer · 3 pointsr/changemyview

&gt;I don't think it's controversial to say that talent and raw intelligence are mostly innate, with the learning environment also playing a significant part. While it is possible to become wiser through experience, I don't think it is possible to significantly improve your mental abilities.

It's been proven that you can improve your mental abilities, just as an athlete improves their physical abilities.

http://www.amazon.com/Mindset-The-New-Psychology-Success/dp/0345472322

Dr. Dweck's research at Columbia and Stanford has shown that the process of learning, and trying to learn, creates new neural pathways that grows your proficiency and intelligence in the thing you're learning. Skillful artists are made through decades of hard work and dedication to continually growing their capabilities. It is no different for scholars or athletes.

As with intelligence, willpower is also something that can be changed. Dr. Dweck found that the critical issue that predominately governs a person's ability to grow (in intelligence, athletics, willpower) is the attitude (no really) they have about their growth, and how much time a person dedicates towards pursuing growth in what they are wanting to accomplish.

That's not self help drek. It's decades of scientific experimentation on children, business leaders, athletes, scholars etc..

edit:
snip, tangential

Edit:

Basically: I can't change your view, but the book linked above can by going through the research with you.

u/airandfingers · 3 pointsr/BettermentBookClub

For me, this chapter was like a blast from the recent past, since I read Carol Dweck's Mindset just months ago. Interestingly, in her book Dweck never uses the terms "entity theory" and "incremental theory"; she calls them the "fixed mindset" and the "growth mindset." If this chapter piqued your interest, then I strongly recommend Mindset, it's one of my favorite books of the last year. If a one-hour talk is more up your alley, here's her talk at Google.

&gt; Which approach to learning do you recall being taught in your childhood? Were you taught different approaches in different areas, or by different people?

I definitely demonstrated a fixed mindset throughout high school, and earlier. I almost never studied, half-assed homework, and generally did the bare minimum necessary to get by with a B. I also bragged about this lack of effort to friends, whose surprise would give me an ego boost that (in retrospect) made me even less likely to put in effort on future assignments. I don't really recall who taught me this attitude toward learning, but that's no surprise, as my memory is really fuzzy in general.

&gt; Are there any ways that you currently demonstrate the entity theory of intelligence/fixed mindset? How can you shift your attitude toward the incremental theory of intelligence/growth mindset?

My usual reaction to difficult/intractable/tricky problems in my work is to get frustrated; my go-to analogy is "banging my head against the wall." Next time this happens, I'll do my best to think of the situation as a learning opportunity - a chance to learn to stay calm, take focused breaks to minimize frustration, and solve these problems more directly rather than procrastinating them or getting sloppy.

u/tastingcopperx · 3 pointsr/college

There is no magic bullet here, I'm afraid, and the sooner you realize this for yourself, the easier it will be.
What you're experiencing is a very common problem and you're not the only one struggling with it. What you should focus on is learning /how/ to learn. This will require trial and error and it will take some time.

I want to point you to some resources which have helped me to start overcoming this mindset.

(Unfortunately because I'm on mobile the links won't look very nice but I'll try to clean them up later if I have time)

A Reddit comment - https://www.reddit.com/r/confession/comments/nxdzz/im_not_as_smart_as_i_thought_i_was/c3d91jl

A blog all about effective study habits and developing them - http://calnewport.com/blog/2009/03/30/4-weeks-to-a-40-adopt-an-autopilot-schedule-and-a-sunday-ritual/

A book which talks about the mindset we're in and how we can change it - http://www.amazon.com/Mindset-The-New-Psychology-Success/dp/0345472322

I wish I were more eloquent and could write wonderful, inspiring comment myself. Just know that you're not alone and that this is not a dead end road. You can definitely push yourself and you'll end up with that high GPA again.

u/skuIIdouggery · 3 pointsr/learnprogramming

If you have the time, I highly recommend reading these two books:

  1. Make It Stick
  2. Mindset

    The first is a book about studying techniques and covers common misconceptions as well as some pretty solid advice for learning. The second book focuses on ...well, the mindset needed to progress in learning (among other things) and made it onto Bill Gates' book recommendation list either last year or the year before.

    If you get through both, you'll have learned how to learn, which'll be helpful to you very generally as well as in your effort to learn programming. Best of luck to you.
u/pman5595 · 3 pointsr/INTP

Read this book: http://www.amazon.com/books/dp/0345472322

It's the most important book I've ever read and I wish I had read it sooner.

u/MaxManus · 3 pointsr/RedditForGrownups

This book helped me immensly. Hope you give it a go and it does the same for you.

u/OnionsMadeMeDoIt · 3 pointsr/socialwork

I love this! Thank you so much for working on this project!

Here are my suggestions please add what you feel is appropriate :)

FICTION
A Door Near Here by Heather Quarles. - it's about a family with an alcoholic mother from the children's point of view. As an ACOA (adult child of an alcoholic) it's quite realistic as far as the mother's behavior.

A Wrinkle in Time - includes father/daughter relationships, sibling relationships and self esteem.

Push Inspiration for the movie Precious. I love this book but it is a tough one to read.

NON FICTION:

Hospice related: Final Gifts I also recommend this one to families of a dying loved one

My Mother Myself mother daughter relationships

Will I Ever be Good Enough. Another book about mother-daughter relationships but focuses on dealing with mothers with narcissistic behaviors.

Tiny Beautiful Things by Cheryl Strayad

The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman.

Hyperbole and a Half Funny as fuck and talks about depression.

I do have a list of caregiver books that I give to loved ones of someone on hospice. I'm too lazy to look it up right now lol but if there's interest let me know and I'll post it.

Also, is there any interest in a social work related podcasts wiki? I know quite a few that deal with issues we work with such as alcoholism, addiction, recovery etc.


u/honestly_Im_lying · 3 pointsr/relationship_advice

I thought you were my SO when I read your post!

I can tell you, as a man, in my mid-30's, who loves to cook (raised in a family of chefs), I get very frustrated with a few things when I'm cooking for a SO. Add in: I'm a perfectionist, lawyer who is a stereo typical "Type A to everyone else in the world (MR. Tough Guy, hear me roar!), but I'm really a Type B deep down inside (Roaring makes me exhausted...)." Over the years, I have learned to settle down, but it took a bit: A LOT of patience from my SO, couple's counseling, and reading a few books.

From my perspective, I want everything to be perfect. (I know, I know. It can't be. Working on that...) I want the meal to be plated and put down on the table exactly when the main / sides finish AT THE SAME TIME. It frustrates me to no avail when everything is on the table, and my SO is walking around the house, NOT eating. &amp;%#%#&amp;*@!!!
(╯ಠ_ಠ)╯︵ ┻━┻ (edit: added /u/spaghettirobotti 's emoticon)

But, I've come to realize that's just the way it is.

What has helped me calm down in the kitchen is my SO talking to me in a very, very gentle way about how I'm a perfectionist and I need to calm the f down. She started with a lot of "I feel ____
when you're upset that we don't eat right when the meal is put on the table." "I love that you take the time to cook, and I appreciate it so much. I want you to know my favorite meals, so we can enjoy them together." "It's been a long day, I'm really craving pasta, but I can't eat it because of our dietary restrictions. I've found nuking it a bit in the microwave gives it more of that pasta mouth-feel." Give him the opportunity to be open with you. I'm sure he looks at it as if he's providing for you, he's doing daily acts of service, and he [REALLY] wants to please you and he's being vulnerable with his food (see below, food is art).

Some other things that have helped me. 1) My SO and I started going to couples counseling. Up until then, no one had ever taught me how to be in a functioning, working relationship. Sure, my parents stuck together, but they weren't in the best place and I didn't learn how to truly be in a relationship until my early 30's. 2) I read a bunch of books... Seriously. I found so much clarity in Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. And I figured out how my SO felt loved with this one: 5 Love Languages. Both of these books had such an impact on my relationship.

I totally get where your SO is coming from. It's like bearing your soul to the world when you cook something. Just like an artist or singer showcases their talent and wants positive feedback. It can be tough for men, especially if at one time he was a professional cook / baker, to put their "food" out there and not get great feedback. I say "food" because for people who take cooking very seriously, it's our art.

Cooking healthy can be very tricky. No one grew up with their Mom teaching them the family recipe for spaghetti squash or cauliflower pizza crust. I have found two books that are amazing in this area:
Daniel Walker's Against All Grain Meals Made Simple, and her other book, Paleo Recipes. Walker's primary focus is to collect recipes for people with dietary restrictions / gastrointestinal problems / allergies. I cook 3-4 meals per week from them. If I want pasta, I'll sub out the squash; flour tortillas swapped for lettuce, etc. But the meals are VERY good (my favorites are the Ropa Vieja and Slow Cooker Orange Chicken). It also has a great spaghetti squash recipe. ;)

I hope this helps. Good luck!

u/marriedscoundrel · 3 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

Many people recommend a book called The Five Love Languages. I haven't read it but the gist of it is that we all have different ways we communicate our feelings to each other. For people such as myself (and perhaps you as well), physical intimacy is how we show our partners that we love them. However for some people it's different - they show their emotions through acts of service or other means. So it's quite possible that your husband shows his feelings for you in other ways, but because it's not physical intimacy it's not fully reaching you. A miscommunication, if you will.

You're assuming that he has a sex drive. And that if it's not directed at you, it means it's directed as someone else, or you're doing something wrong. These are all nothing but assumptions. They might be true. But then again, they might not be. It's important to talk to our partners and see where they are. Let's give him the benefit of the doubt and say your assumptions aren't true. Again, you have to stop assuming he has a sex drive. He doesn't function the same way you do. You may not be speaking the same language but you're still trying to convey the same message.

So accept him for who he is. It's an important first step in freeing yourself from the blame. From thinking that you've done something wrong, or failed in some way.

u/lifewithoutwater · 3 pointsr/relationship_advice

First of all, congratulations on the success of agreeing to counseling, that is a major step. Make sure you find someone, and schedule an appointment this week (as its an easy thing to put off).

I am also in the middle of marital issues, and I'm currently looking for counceling as well.

The books below have helped in the past/are helping now, read them with your wife or read them at the same time in different areas (Spend $20, get two books and read them as a couple).

The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts

Why Mars and Venus Collide: Improving Relationships by Understanding How Men and Women Cope Differently with Stress

u/joroqez312 · 3 pointsr/relationships

&gt;We can go over a month easily without physical contact.

Yikes. If that is applying to other things than sex, then that's a huge, huge problem (not that the sex wasn't in the first place). It's a long shot, but try having the two of you read this book - it's short and sweet, and it basically talks about making sure you're meeting the other person's emotional/physical needs in a relationship.

http://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-That-Lasts/dp/0802473156/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;amp;qid=1300462375&amp;amp;sr=8-1

u/farfarawayS · 3 pointsr/relationships
u/availle · 3 pointsr/relationships

&gt; How does one remain calm in the heat of a moment? Counting to ten just doesn't do it for me :&lt;

You don't. You walk away, or have him walk away.

Also, for the emotional support, maybe he's not expressing his love for you in a language you understand. I can always recommend this book which works pretty well with most of that.

u/missmichellini · 3 pointsr/relationships

You know what really helped me? Reading The Five Love Languages. Best seven bucks you'll ever spend on your relationships. Identifying your love languages may help each of you figure out why your love tanks have been feeling empty.

For instance, my love language is Quality Conversation. I feel loved when my significant other spends time talking with me, sharing opinions and emotions. My boyfriend's is Physical Touch. When I didn't feel loved, I automatically physically withdrew and he also felt unloved so both of us were unhappy. Knowing each other's love languages gives us a starting point on what we can do to help the other feel appreciated and loved, and when your partner feels loved he feels more inclined to reciprocate. If that makes sense. :) Good luck with everything!

u/BreadIsTheBest · 3 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

Maybe check out The Five Languages of Love. It's a great book that helps couples understand affection and how to keep each other happy. Even if he won't read it, it should give you some good tools for how to have healthy conversations about this with him. I really love the book, and it's helped me understand what I need in relationships a lot better and how to communicate that (geez, I sound like a commercial, but for real, I love the book). Good luck!

u/mattomic · 3 pointsr/books

I have to say that of these books, Frankl's Search for Meaning helped me through some incredibly tough times in my life. It's enormously accessible and inspirational, an easy read that is worlds apart from the philosophical texts I'm accustomed to from school, i.e., it's never dry, pedantic, or inscrutable. You don't need a background in philosophy, much less existentialism (in which it is well steeped), to get something of value from it. The concept of logotherapy - that there is meaning to be found in your life that can give you the impetus, the reason to survive (and succeed) in any situation, however harrowing that may be - is both simple and profound.

For those reasons, I think that this book and likely all the others in this list (I'm familiar with most but not all of them, so I could be grossly over-generalizing here) were chosen. Yes, Kant, Hegel, Nietzsche, et al. did have a tremendous impact on modern thought, but that's not what this list is about. The last thing I would do is throw one of their books at a person who is looking for relatively simple, accessible, and practical words of wisdom. No philosophy degree required to jump into Mr. Holiday's reading list.

u/oh_sure · 3 pointsr/TonyRobbins

There are several books that really inform his works, but the main two that are easily accessible are:

  • As a Man Thinketh
  • Man's Search For Meaning

    He recommends these at every turn.

    In terms of exactly what you're looking for, I might go with Rewire. It's a little more clinical, although is completely in line with changing your beliefs rather than any sort of complicated therapy or medication.
    The first 40 pages or so are incredible and is basically an actionable version of ATGW.
u/iamnotacrumbbum · 3 pointsr/CasualConversation

I think it’d an important topic to think about in a daily basis - not in a weepy fearful way, but just to appreciate the time left here on earth. When my dad passed, it hit me hard and I realized how much I had squandered my life being miserable, tense, and angry. I think death helps break you out of your shell. I do imagine myself near death every so often, and it helps take me out of the worries and concerns I have during the day.

Here’s a solid book on the topic:

https://www.amazon.com/Death-Dying-Doctors-Nurses-Families/dp/1476775540

And of course the classic by Viktor Frankl:

https://www.amazon.com/Mans-Search-Meaning-Viktor-Frankl/dp/080701429X

And if Alan Watts is up your alley:

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=M7KRgluYeps

u/potatoisafruit · 3 pointsr/RedditForGrownups

Some do. Some take a different path.

u/PineTron · 3 pointsr/JordanPeterson

Keep on grinding. Read, write, think. It is going to take you years before you reach a level where you won't be a single mistake away from hell.

I highly recommend this book if you were a victim of domestic abuse: https://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553381407

u/SillySillyGirl · 3 pointsr/asktransgender

I can highly recommend the book Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life . I had already cut mine from my life but it helped me understand i had too and not to feel guilty. They are used ones for 1 cent :)

u/Borsao66 · 3 pointsr/asktrp
u/rbaltimore · 3 pointsr/relationships

I'd like to recommend a book called Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life. It's an amazing book that a lot of people I know have read. It's really a fantastic book. You're not alone, I promise.

u/abortiondrone · 3 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

It's so absurd and if you aren't in therapy people just say you're not trying hard enough or don't really want to get better, like being a victim, etc. Fuck 'em. They have no idea what's going on or what it's like.

&amp;nbsp;

I love therapy books now, haha. I hated the idea of self help but these aren't selling anything, they're fairly clinical approaches and written by actual health professionals, not gurus or 'personalities.'

&amp;nbsp;

Toxic Parents by Dr. Susan Forward

&amp;nbsp;

Healing the Shame That Binds You by John Bradshaw

&amp;nbsp;

Healing the Incest Wound by Christine B. Courtois This one is pretty good but the language focuses heavily on father/daughter incest which is limiting, unfortunately.

&amp;nbsp;

The Tao of Fully Feeling by Pete Walker Don't let the full title mislead you, it's absolutely not about forgiving your parents, it's about learning to accept the shitty feelings that linger even after treatment.

&amp;nbsp;

Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker A life changing book, really. I'm particularly fond of Pete Walker because he is a therapist AND an abuse survivor himself so he's not just talking from the ivory tower, he's been through it and the compassion and empathy he has for other survivors is evident in his writing.

u/BogusProfiterole · 3 pointsr/AvPD

This is a quick "screen" from the best book I've ever found on this subject;

"Are you the child of toxic parents?

When you were a child...

Did your parents tell you you were bad or worthless?
Did your parents use physical pain to discipline you?
Did you have to take care of your parents because of their problems?
Were you often frightened of your parents?
Did your parents do anything to you that had to be kept secret?

Now that you a€™re an adult...

Do your parents still treat you as if you were a child?
Do you have intense emotional or physical reactions after spending time with your parents?
Do your parents control you with threats or guilt? Do they manipulate you with money?
Do you feel that no matter what you do, it'€™s never good enough for your parents?"

Any of these things are toxic and abusive, and have a major influence on your sense of self-worth.

u/boundfortrees · 3 pointsr/SRSMen

Toxic Parents by Susan Forward

http://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553381407

if you don't have the funds for therapy right now, this can help. you might even be able to find it at a used bookstore or the library.

u/iliikepie · 3 pointsr/simpleliving

Sure! Two books really helped me. One is Toxic Parents. It may not apply to your life though. My parents weren't alcoholics or physically abusive, but there was emotional abuse and emotional neglect. That book really helped me to be able to work through a lot of things from my childhood that I just couldn't let go of and would constantly think about.

The Brain That Changes Itself is a book that isn't really a self-help type book. But for me, it really inspired me. It showed me that I do have the power to change. Even to change things that I thought were impossible.

u/I_just_say_stuff · 3 pointsr/leagueoflegends

I noticed that a lot of what he is saying is that he has no purpose, I had the same feeling as him, I linked a book down below to a book called man's search for meaning, it help me when I was feeling when I couldn't take it anymore. If anyone else here is suffering try reading this book it will connect with you in a deep also if you feel alone shoot me a pm and I'll listen if you need that.

http://www.amazon.com/Mans-Search-Meaning-Viktor-Frankl/dp/080701429X

u/enragedchipmunk · 3 pointsr/Christianity

I am sorry that you lost your friend. Suicide is a devastating tragedy for everyone who is touched by it, and I hope you have support in trying to make sense of this.

I am a psychiatrist. I have treated a countless number of people who have had severe depression and/or attempted suicide.
Now obviously I don't know the specifics of your friend's case - what kind of treatment he had, what his life situation was, or what was going through his head when he acted on the suicidal thoughts - but based on what I have seen, I have a hard time believing that a compassionate God would allow someone to go to hell for dying of suicide, when I have seen for myself that in many cases suicide is not so much a willful rejection of life, but more like the choice of someone who has been trapped in a building that's on fire and chooses to jump out of a window to try to escape the flames.
In my opinion, this belief that people who die of suicide go to hell is from the stigma that our society has regarding mental illness, not truly something that comes from God.

Based on my experiences, I truly feel that most people who make an attempt to kill themselves are actually ambivalent to some degree. There is, at least in many cases, a part of them that truly doesn't want to die. The problem is that they are caught in a situation where their ability to cope is overwhelmed by the pain they feel, at least temporarily - and sadly sometimes circumstances lead people to act on these feelings before the situation can be resolved.
A pretty significant number of suicide attempts occur impulsively - in the setting of a sudden crisis or under the influence of alcohol or drugs (since drugs can take away the inhibitions and fear that might have otherwise stopped the person from acting on these thoughts).

I think the question of "Why does God allow suffering?" is one of the biggest questions for any religious person, and I don't think I can give you a satisfying answer. Personally, I do not see mental anguish as being all that different than physical agony - the mind and body are connected, and one can affect the other.
If you have never read it, I would strongly recommend taking a look at CS Lewis's book "A Grief Observed" (on Amazon here: https://www.amazon.com/Grief-Observed-C-S-Lewis/dp/0060652381/ ) . He is brutally honest about the pain and confusion he experienced after his wife died, and I think you might find some comfort in his reflections about suffering in spite of religious faith. Another book that I think is helpful in trying to make sense of great loss and suffering is Viktor Frankl's "Man's Search for Meaning", a reflection on how he and other Holocaust survivors tried to find a sense of purpose in spite of such hopeless and senseless suffering : https://www.amazon.com/Mans-Search-Meaning-Viktor-Frankl/dp/080701429X/

I think it will ultimately be up to you to try to decide what meaning you will attach to your friend's death and how you make sense of it in the context of your beliefs.

u/Hello3424 · 3 pointsr/SingleParents

There is no easy fix to this. I am almost 30 and struggle with it frequently. Personally for me what helped the most was being in school getting my bachelor's in child and family studies. The degree doesn't do alot if youre looking to make money when youre done but it was heavily focused on self growth and development. Some of the books we read included "parenting from the inside out" "7 habits of highly effective people" (Cliche' I know), and "A man's search for meaning". While these books were useful tools, it helped that the professors I had encouraged people to discuss their lives, struggles, Journal (but constructively, not just your struggles but when you overcome them, and set goals for yourself, document your downfalls and triumphs and review when youre down) and to stay off of social media. Unplug completely. this is something I still do when I feel overwhelmed with being a single parent. Also I know it is hard but if you can have your little one help with all the mundane stuff (like housework) it can help make it a sharing moment rather than I need to get this done moment. (I personally struggle with that from time to time, I don't know if you do). I am sorry youre struggling, please keep your head up. you will raise a strong woman and when she is older you are allowed to have fun with her while all those friends will be raising babies.

&amp;#x200B;

https://www.amazon.com/Parenting-Inside-Out-Self-Understanding-Anniversary-ebook/dp/B00HZ1E5BM/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2Q560RPRBOPQZ&amp;keywords=parenting+from+the+inside+out+book&amp;qid=1556573094&amp;s=gateway&amp;sprefix=parenting+from+the%2Caps%2C142&amp;sr=8-1

https://www.amazon.com/Mans-Search-Meaning-Viktor-Frankl/dp/080701429X/ref=sr_1_2?crid=17U8X5LTV3VED&amp;keywords=victor+frankl+man%27s+search+for+meaning&amp;qid=1556573116&amp;s=gateway&amp;sprefix=victor+fra%2Caps%2C143&amp;sr=8-2

https://www.amazon.com/Habits-Highly-Effective-People-Powerful-ebook/dp/B01069X4H0/ref=sr_1_3?crid=3JN0J6CGL5KOP&amp;keywords=7+habits+of+highly+effective+people&amp;qid=1556573140&amp;s=gateway&amp;sprefix=7+ha%2Caps%2C146&amp;sr=8-3

u/LARDLARDLARDLORD · 3 pointsr/videos

In case anyone wants to learn more about Stoicism here are the titles of books written by some of the men mentioned in the video:

u/Disintiorde · 3 pointsr/Meditation

The best advice I can give you is to read "Mindfulness in Plain English"

http://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-Plain-English-Anniversary-Edition/dp/0861719069/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;amp;qid=1370860739&amp;amp;sr=8-1&amp;amp;keywords=mindfulness+in+plain

The meditation that this book teaches of is primarily to improve focus, concentration, and attention. I have ADD and thought for sure that I wasn't made for meditating because my mind was way too scattered and I couldn't sit still. After reading this book, I have only been meditating for 20 minutes every day for 7 days, and my concentration and attention span has improved significantly. I no longer get impatient. You can get these results too. This won't come without dedication though, that's for sure. May the force be with you on this journey brother.

u/Lightning14 · 3 pointsr/AskReddit

Mindfulness in Plain English is also a very good book on meditation instruction. This is the book I learned from. As be_mindful says, you just need to have patience to practice and get better over weeks of repetition.

u/ExitAscend · 3 pointsr/TheRedPill

Mindfulness in Plain English In a lot of ways this was like my Red Pill before the Red Pill. To quote:
&gt; “There you are, and you suddenly realize that you are spending your life barely getting by. You keep up a good front. You manage to make ends meet somehow and look okay from the outside. But those periods of desperation, those times when you feel everything caving in on you – you keep those to yourself. Meanwhile, way down under all of that, you just know there has to be a better way to live. A better way to look at the world, a way to touch life more fully. You click into it by chance now and then: you get a good job. You fall in love. You win the game. For a while, things are different. Life takes on a richness and clarity that makes all the bad times and humdrum fade away. The whole texture of your experience changes and you say to yourself. “Okay, now I’ve made it; now I will be happy.” You are left with just a memory – that, and the vague awareness that something is wrong.
You fell that there really is a whole other realm of depth and sensitivity available in life; somehow you are just not seeing it. You wind up feeling cut off. You feel insulated from the sweetness of experience by some sort of sensory cotton. You are not really touching life. You are not “making it” again. Then even the vague awareness fades away, and you are back to the same old reality. The world looks like the usual foul place. It is an emotional roller coaster, and you spend a lot of your time down at the bottom of the ramp yearning for the heights”

u/aristotleschild · 3 pointsr/starcraft
u/helpfiles · 3 pointsr/Psychonaut
u/elitistprick1 · 3 pointsr/circlejerk

Op should really start to meditate.

You should read this
http://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-Plain-English-Anniversary-Edition/dp/0861719069

u/mormonminion · 3 pointsr/exmormon

I'm still learning about this stuff, but this book was great for starters, well written and explanatory:

http://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-Plain-English-Anniversary-Edition/dp/0861719069

u/grt5786 · 3 pointsr/HealthAnxiety

I have been struggling with health anxiety on my blood pressure for almost a decade now, and I can relate to everyone here also. It has been a really long journey that has taken me to the ER multiple times, multiple visits to cardiologists, etc. I've seen numerous doctors and tried every BP medication (which didn't help me). I've discovered some interesting things in my case:

  • My anxiety plays a HUGE role in my blood pressure. When my arm first goes into the cuff, it doesn't matter how I feel, my first couple of readings are always off the charts (my highest so far was about 200/110)
  • My high readings can be really scary, it's not uncommon for my top number to be in the range of 160-180. Of course, when this happens at the Dr they are alarmed and that makes me alarmed so my anxiety goes up, and everything just gets worse
  • Blood pressure is a terrible anxiety target because it causes a feedback loop. You get anxiety, so your BP goes up, and then you can either feel the effects or you get a high reading, which causes more anxiety, and the loop repeats.
  • What I found helpful in my case was to force myself to sit down several times during the day and take many readings. In my case sometimes I'd have to sit and do readings one after another for 20-30m straight and write down each one. I don't do this all the time now (probably not good for you), but it was useful for a while because I learned something important: my first few readings are always sky-high, and then they eventually go down and begin to stabilize as my anxiety wears off. Sometimes it takes a LONG time for this stabilization to occur, because each time the BP cuff tightens, my anxiety goes back up, but over time I found that the anxiety does start to go down as you become desensitized to the process
  • For me, I've discovered that while my BP is still not great, it's not nearly as bad as it seems. My numbers usually tend to stabilize to an average of around 145 in the morning (still high, but not ER-level high), and when I'm feeling calm or I take readings after exercising, they're even lower (stabilize around 130's, or high 120's)
  • The biggest things that have helped me personally (everyone is different) is doing the following: - Regular exercise / cardio - Forcing myself to take lots of readings at home to slightly desensitize myself (it is also just useful information, because chances are you'll find that eventually your numbers do start to go down over time) - and of course, NOT WORRYING about it.

    About the "not worrying" part... this is one of the hardest things. I had to really go thermonuclear on my anxiety and tackle it from every angle. I did the following:

  • Began writing lists of every quote, technique, or anti-anxiety trick I could find, and keeping track of what would help and what didn't. I basically started curating my own health anxiety "cheat sheet"
  • Began exercising (jogging) almost every day. This is huge, if you can do it. I can almost guarantee it will help.
  • Yoga, and stretching, at least once a day
  • Diaphragmatic breathing techniques. These are legit (you can google it, it's really simple, sometimes called 'belly breathing') and can sometimes have a very noticeable effect on my health anxiety and other issues (palpitations etc.).
  • Tried to work regular mindfulness / meditation into my schedule (tough to do but it also has been hugely helpful). My highest recommendation for meditation books is 'Mindfulness in Plain English' by Bhante Gunaratana (https://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-English-Bhante-Henepola-Gunaratana/dp/0861719069/)
  • Read books on anxiety. Some that have helped me are 'The Worry Cure' by Robert Leahy and 'Badass Ways to End Anxiety' by Geert Verschaeve. When you read them, treat it like homework. Keep a pen handy and underline passages that you find insightful. Then come back and re-visit those when your anxiety or panic attacks are bad.

    Beyond not worrying, or tackling your anxiety directly, the most obvious way to reduce health anxiety about blood pressure is to eliminate the problem to begin with. For me I've never been able to get my BP numbers normal, but as I mentioned above I started exercising more and taking regular readings at home (sometimes many in a row). I'd keep a log book actually, of the day/time, and a series of sometimes 20 or more readings in a row. This was useful because it provided concrete information on the reality of my situation* I was no longer just speculating or worrying, I could see, clear as day, on paper, that while my BP is high (or at least elevated, at best), it was not so high on average that it was going to cause my imminent death.

    Another thing to remember: a lot of people have high blood pressure. ALOT. Like 1/3 of the country. And another 1/3 are pre-hypertensive. And that was before they adjusted the numbers some time ago to lower the 'ideal' range even lower. Why is this important? Because people are not dropping dead left and right from high BP, even though 2 out of 3 people you see every day are outside the normal range. Yes, it's not a great condition and you want to address it if you can, but chances are it is not going to kill you any time soon.

    Also, your BP numbers during the day don't even matter that much. Numerous studies have found that the numbers taken at home or at the Dr. actually aren't nearly as important as your systolic while you are sleeping. This is of course nearly impossible to measure at home, but chances are while you are sleeping you BP is probably MUCH lower than when you are awake and experiencing anxiety.

    Just wanted to share some of the things I've found / learned in dealing with this myself. Of course, everyone is different but you're definitely not alone. Good luck and hang in there
u/palwhan · 3 pointsr/NoFap

You should definitely check out Mindfulness in Plain English, by Bhante Gunaratana http://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-Plain-English-Anniversary-Edition/dp/0861719069/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;amp;qid=1369080789&amp;amp;sr=8-1&amp;amp;keywords=mindfulness+in+plain+english

I had the same questions, as to where exactly to start, but this book introduces you to one of the main schools of meditation in a very simple jargon-free and PRACTICAL way, as opposed to theory.

u/VonEsquire · 3 pointsr/Meditation

Mindfulness in Plain English: 20th Anniversary Edition
http://amzn.com/0861719069

u/mattdan79 · 3 pointsr/relationship_advice

I'm very much like you. A year ago I was suicidal.
I'm here to tell you there is a way out!

I would seriously look into your Codependant issues. You are not a bad guy but you have to see. No one forced you to get into a relationship with this sick person, no one held a gun to your head and made you stay. You can keep pointing the finger at her but at the end of the day you have to realize that you keep putting yourself in harms way. You even see how you attract the crazies on OKC.

  1. Cut off all unneeded contact with her. If you have no shared assets or children this should be a matter of just divvying up your stuff. The less contact the sooner you get better

  2. I highly suggest you read these two books and find some support groups in your area -- you don't want to replace one codependant relationship with another!

    http://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339

    http://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025

    Give yourself a break! You just need a change of perspective. In a year you can be so much happier. I know it doesn't seem it now but if you take this opportunity to convert all that pain to growth and understanding you will be so happy! All the best OP! Keep us in the loop.
u/FinnianWhitefir · 3 pointsr/socialanxiety

The best way to be there and help her the most, would be to work on your codependence and learn some stoicism.

These two books really helped me take a step back, accept that other people are going to live their lives the way they want to live them, and helped me realize how I could best support them without trying to make them do what I thought was best.

https://www.amazon.com/Art-Living-Classical-Happiness-Effectiveness/dp/0061286052/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&amp;amp;qid=1474561815&amp;amp;sr=8-2&amp;amp;keywords=the+art+of+living

https://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;amp;qid=1474561824&amp;amp;sr=8-1&amp;amp;keywords=codepency+no+more

If it helps, I finally got some help and therapy by an offhanded "That sounds a lot like depression, you should probably talk to someone about it" from a friend, so you never really know what comment or new idea or helpful word is going to be the final thing to get someone to get help. Just saying, be there and be helpful, but realize it could take years for her to realize that she can get help for it.

u/ChillaximusTheGreat · 3 pointsr/addiction

Also the feelings of guilt are is called co-dependent. Do yours self a favor read up on it. Here is a good book:
Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself https://www.amazon.com/dp/0894864025/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_hw3gzbAKFH85N

u/thenomadicbear · 3 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

It might be helpful to check out some Al Anon meetings in your area. Without getting into it too much, the behavior patterns a person often creates when they live and love someone with dependency can be detrimental and a barrier to growth within and beyond that relationship. Learning more about how his alcoholism and behaviors have affected you and recovering from that yourself can be a great step toward healing. Also, this book might be really helpful. http://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025 Good luck with your journey.

u/firephly · 3 pointsr/SupportforSupporters

I'm in a similar situation. What I told my SO is that unless he gets help I won't be able to take it any more. That got him to get help, but then he stopped taking meds and going to counseling, so I had to recently let him know again and he has an appt. If you can, try and get some counseling for yourself too. Also the Book Codependent no more is a great read and a big help.

u/mddede · 3 pointsr/Divorce

Even though you are no longer dealing with the alcoholism you should try reading this book. My therapist suggested it and it changed not only my understanding of the problems but allowed me to find my way out of them as well. Good luck.

Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Ca... https://www.amazon.com/dp/0894864025/ref=cm_sw_r_sms_awdb_t1_-7E-BbWBMPXZH

u/mayihaveatomato · 3 pointsr/Divorce_Men

Second. OP, you may want to take a look at this. I was “saving” my ex from her past and her family for years. I thought that connection would be strong enough to keep us together forever, especially once our two kids were born. She eventually ended up cheating, we divorced, she apologized and we got back together “for the kids.” Then she ended up cheating again, marrying a guy from out of state and I had to battle in court to keep my kids here. I learned that you can’t fix a broken person if you’re in a relationship with them. All you can do is guide them to the help they need. I’d be VERY wary of you getting back together with your ex. I view that move as the absolute worst choice I’ve ever made. They only come back because it’s safe. People that are going to cheat won’t leave a perfectly good boat. They wait to find another one then sink the shit out of yours. Good luck OP

u/need_CF_advice · 3 pointsr/Divorce

I've been struggling to trust myself again as well. I let him push my boundaries of what is acceptable over and over again. Every time I drew a line, he pushed it further out and then I re-drew the line. I finally reached my limit, but it took a long time, too long, with far too many boundaries pushed that no reasonable person would allow.

There are things about you that you need to address - I would know because I did the same thing. I'm learning to recognize the problem and not let it happen again through counseling. It's been incredibly helpful.

You're right that you need to learn from your mistakes. Too many people collect a string of bad partners. Get yourself into counseling if you can.

If you can't, there are resources out there. These two books changed my life, and will do you a world of good:

u/sack-o-meat · 3 pointsr/selfhelp

I can relate to your behavior. I am people-pleaser too. But I am getting better at it. One of the things that helped me was reading about co-dependency. I realize that co-dependency is most often discussed in the realm of substance abuse but, in reality, the underlying conditions for people like us is the same. So, too, is the solution.
Try this book for starters. It's highly regarded as one of the best out there on the subject. Just ignore the references to things that don't apply to your situation (yet) and focus on the similarities. I think you will start to find answers to your questions.
Good luck.
Oh, one more thing, it gets better! As you start to lose fear and gain confidence, it becomes avalanche of self empowerment.

u/MondoHawkins · 3 pointsr/relationship_advice

If he can't or won't stop the drinking that is negatively affecting his life, he qualifies as an alcoholic. Doesn't matter if it's every day behavior or sporadic. Alcoholism exists in many forms.

If you're not willing to leave, joining a support group for friends and family of alcoholics and addicts might help. You could try out a local Al-anon meeting, or Smart Recovery (non-12 step program) has an online meeting every Monday night for friends and family.

Given that you don't want to leave someone with a substance abuse problem and especially because you said, "I shouldn't have to babysit him," I'd wager that you have a codependent personality. You might find some peace from reading Codependent No More.

Staying with someone who has addiction problems is a tough road to take. I hope it works out for you, but no matter what happens, take care of yourself first.

u/geareddev · 3 pointsr/relationships

&gt;why does he continue to fucking do this

Because he can. Your mother never left him. Your brother lives with him. You returned home to him. Has his alcoholism cost him anything that he really cares about?

You might find these two books helpful.

Codependent No More

Boundaries

u/Daleth2 · 3 pointsr/nonprofit

&gt; Grad school is not a place to jump ship and figure things out. It's expensive, and may not be worth your time.

This, a thousand times! Don't use grad school as a solution to a "my life sucks, I'm working 80 hours/week for no money" hair-on-fire crisis. Grad school in the US is pretty much the most EXPENSIVE possible way that you could solve such a crisis, and it's not even a guaranteed solution! As for the expense, you have to factor in not only the tuition and books but also the opportunity cost (i.e. the salary you miss out on because instead of having a job, you're in school). If tuition and books is $25,000 and your current salary is $30,000, then a two-year masters is actually costing you $55,000/year, for a total of $110,000.

OP, how about you take all the free time that you would have to spend on getting into grad school (deciding on a degree, researching schools, studying for the GRE, writing essays for your applications, etc.) and instead spend it getting yourself a job with a more normal schedule? Research possible jobs and employers, get help with your resume, practice your interview skills, apply and go to interviews, etc. etc.

Then start your new job. When things settle down a few months in, i.e. after you've gotten the hang of it and have adjusted to your new, more reasonable schedule, then start soul-searching again.

Read this book (best career book I've ever read, and I've read a ton of them): https://www.amazon.com/Good-They-Cant-Ignore-You/dp/1455509124

Read this book (best book for those in nonprofit/save the world and/or arts jobs): https://www.amazon.com/Lifelong-Activist-Change-without-Losing/dp/1590560906/

With a better job, you would have time to read those books. To figure out what you really want to do in life. To figure out what the best path to that goal is. And it would NOT cost you $110,000. It would cost you $0. It might even pay YOU, if you happen to find a job with a higher salary or better benefits than what you're getting now.

So first things first: find a way to take your time figuring out what you want to do with your life. If your everyday life isn't an unmanageable crisis anymore, because you have a more normal job and therefore reasonable amount of time to sleep and eat and have a life, then you can take your time to really figure out what you want and what's the best way you can serve.

u/thisfunnieguy · 3 pointsr/jobs

I had similar thoughts when I left the Corps.

Hard to give advice on what to study, because at some point it has to interest you, or you have be ok learning a lot about it.

The easier thing to say is don't study business/management as an undergrad. It's pointless. There's a reason why the fancy schools don't even offer those degrees. Learn skills.

Start taking classes and then chase where you excel. If you like numbers, go into math or some science program. Or if you're good at writing/talking, chase that.

The key is to keep thinking about how what you're learning becomes a useful skill set for someone who needs to hire people.

Let me suggest two books, both are likely in your public library.

The first book makes the great point that you shouldn't worry about long term goals. Get better at things, take opportunities when they come up, and put your effort into the work. My life got so much better when I finally started living that advice.

https://www.amazon.com/Good-They-Cant-Ignore-You/dp/1455509124

https://www.amazon.com/What-Color-Your-Parachute-2016/dp/1501274643

u/shazam9 · 3 pointsr/pakistan

You cannot possibly like both equally. If you do, then maybe you don't understand what each field has for you.

Also, passion is not everything either but its a good start IMO. I would highly recommend taking your time and reading this book as well https://www.amazon.com/Good-They-Cant-Ignore-You/dp/1455509124

u/droppedthengraduated · 3 pointsr/UIUC

As a counterpoint to the "switch majors" camp, Cal Newport wrote a great book So good they can't ignore you that I read after I got dropped and was questioning pretty much every decision I made in college, and life, thus far. Unless someone literally wrote your application and didn't tell you what your major was going to be, there has to be at least something about it you like.

Newport argues that, rather than passion or gut feeling guiding your academic and career decisions, one should simply embrace the struggle of whatever they're pursuing and endeavor to become the best they can. Through this struggle, they learn to appreciate their craft, rather than beginning with an appreciation and then balking at the inevitable wall that everyone hits when doing something worthwhile. What this all boils down to: the more you learn and expose yourself to the intricacies of your major, the better you'll do, the more you'll end up appreciating it, and the better you'll want to do as a result.

What I recommend is to take a semester to knock out a bunch of geneds (Soc 100 is great for this) and do some independent study on topics in your major to find a niche that you are somewhat interested in. Try and delve as deep as you can into this niche. If you find that you truly can't find anything interesting, then you should probably reconsider majors.

u/gentleViking · 3 pointsr/asktrp

I'm currently in Monk Mode myself. I'm probably only going for at most a 3mo. term at this (Started Dec. 1st). It sounds like you have a good plan. I'm focusing on the following things:

  • Meditating: the best way to re-program your brain IMO ("Wherever you go there you are")
  • Teaching myself Jazz piano
  • Diet (Here's my diet)
  • Fitness (Here's my fitness bible)
  • Career Development (This)
  • Productivity &amp; Time Management (too many books to mention, OP PM me if you want this list)
  • Not watching Porn &amp; Masturbating less frequently (Highly recommended /r/NoFap)
  • No Alcohol

    For learning to cook I highly recommend this book.

    For addressing approach anxiety I recommend The Rules of the Game.

    This is an excellent book on habit change. (OP this is how you start to break down those "masturbatory" habits)

    Also, Monk Mode is basically an exercise in stoicism. This book is awesome.


    Since you'll have plenty of time to read here are some other Books I recommend:
    "No More Mr. Nice Guy"
    "Models: Attracting Women Through Honesty"
    "The Talent Code"
    "Man's Search for Meaning"
    "Flow"

    Final thoughts OP. 6 months is definitely a worthy goal however studies show that 90 days is usually what it takes to create new habits and routines. You have to be consistent though. Just food for thought.


    (Edit: I suck at formatting)




u/jediknight · 3 pointsr/Romania

Ce strategie ai abordat pentru a te imbunatati ca si programator?

Ce limbaje de programare ai folosit intr-un mod semnificativ pana acum?

Care-i contul tau de github? In ce proiecte Open Source esti implicat?

De la ce suma ai putea sa declari ca nu mai duci grija banilor?

Ca si sfat, iti recomand sa citesti 2 carti: The Adventures of Johnny Bunko si So good they can't ignore you. Daca intelegi mesajele din astea 2 carti, o sa fii ok, chiar super ok.

u/subpoena_medina · 3 pointsr/MomForAMinute

The fact that you're trying to mend it makes all the difference and makes you a bigger person. You're awesome! And you are a good boy. I'm proud of you. You're doing great.

If you're a reader I recommend Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. Helped me a lot.
https://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553381407

Sending love your way xx

u/Outsider8881 · 3 pointsr/exmormon

You can try reading The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts https://www.amazon.com/dp/080241270X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_S0xvxbW6M7EQ1

u/autophage · 3 pointsr/OneY

Would she be receptive to reading the book on Love Languages, and then having a discussion from there?

You've mentioned elsewhere that "advice from some dude on Reddit" isn't going to go over well, but advice from someone with a bit more of an authority might be helpful.

Plus, it might get her to open up on if there are other needs she has that she hasn't previously expressed to you.

u/blu3dice · 3 pointsr/AskWomenOver30

A friend told me she and her partner read this book and it helped them out a lot...."The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts". They would read a couple of chapters then discuss it, plus I think it includes "discussion topics". Basically, everyone has different ways on how they express love. Some people express love thru actions while others express with physical contact etc. It also teaches you how to recognize and appreciate your partners love. There is a middle ground, but dont expect your partner to totally change how they express love.

I wish I'd known about this book before my last relationship ended 2 yrs ago. We got into a huge rut and I put the majority of the responsibility to "fix us" on him. When he tried and couldn't, my resentment poisoned what little love I had left for him and I drove him away. One of the few regrets I have as an adult.

Read some relationship books, go to couples therapy. Do whatever it takes. I'm sure as you know, the problem isnt about "he doesnt put effort into planning dates"; youre feeling unloved and you've cherry-picked an example. Trust me, even if he did magically start planning better dates, you'd find another reason to be mad at him. You're feeling unloved. Sounds like he does really love you, you're just wanting it on your terms.

https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X

u/NinjaLanternShark · 3 pointsr/Eyebleach

You should read the 5 love languages. Some people do feel love when someone gives them gifts. Others, when you spend time with them, or do things for them, etc.

You can waste time, money, and effort trying to show love to someone in a way that doesn't mean anything to them, and you can miss how hard someone's trying to show you love, if you're not speaking the same language.

u/_meddlin_ · 3 pointsr/cscareerquestions

This is going to sound hokey, but go with me: cater to the "love language" they bring to work. I'm pulling this from the Gary Chapman book, "The Five Love Languages". The mechanism Chapman describes ("love languages") isn't only for romantic. We carry pieces of our "language" with us in all of our friendships, work relationships, etc.

I'm not trying to take away from the other answers here; more so, accentuate them.

  • Public recognition could work best for someone who carries the language of "words of affirmation".
  • Increased pay and perks could work better for people with the "thoughtful gifts" language
  • Focused 1:1's and thoughtfully considering ideas could work for people with the "physical touch" or "quality time" languages

    Here's the rub though. I'm suggesting this as the inspiration for how to better recognize people, but don't let this slip into corporate personality tests, or cheap gimmicks. At the end of the day give people what they deserve, and this can be a framework to individualizing those rewards and building real relationships with the people running your business.

  • If someone deserves a raise, give it. Explain why. Help them grow.
  • If someone isn't improving much...talk with them, not to them, figure out what's going on.
  • If developers are bored: http://randsinrepose.com/archives/bored-people-quit/
  • If teams are struggling, or just had a big win be personable, be transparent. They want to know the fruits of their labor.



    My anecdotal backing:

  • The first time I received a raise, I was ecstatic and proud, then those feelings melted away after walking 30ft down the hall from my manager's office. It didn't matter.
  • At two companies, I've seen the small "quality of life" perks mean nothing because of the inhuman qualities placed in the culture.
  • At another place I was ready to quit because: very little feedback/interaction -&gt; work didn't seem to matter -&gt; thoughts of "I don't matter".
u/DevehJ · 3 pointsr/askgaybros

Have a read of the book "Five Love Languages" (http://www.amazon.com/The-Love-Languages-Secret-Lasts/dp/080241270X). Talks about the different, often poorly conveyed/understood, ways in which people communicate their need for affection and attention.


It might help you with your situation, given it sounds like you've got a fair chance of reconciling with each other. Don't give up on it yet.

Edit: looks like /u/greeneyedguy6 beat me to it! I second this recommendation.

u/notoneofyourfans · 3 pointsr/sexover30

I take offense to people who say your wife isn't low libido - that she just doesn't want to have sex with you. That is just soooooooo possibly not the case. Everybody has a limit. My limit might be twice a day. Somebody else's might be twice a month. Why is it that the person who only wants sex twice a month seen as "broken"? I know you take this personally, and I understand why. Like someone else said, it appears that your Love Language is Physical Touch. You need it to feel validated. What if you found a way to compromise on the level of "closeness"? You get your day of full intercourse each week, but then two other nights each week she participates in your orgasms. How? The two of you neck for 10-15 minutes and then you masturbate yourself while she touches and encourages you. Make ground rules. Examples of possible rules might be intimacy nights can't be back to back. Barring sickness or schedule, only one "no" allowed per week. Each partner has to initiate intimacy at least once within the week. This way, you get to have more orgasms with the one you love and feel connected in some way more often through the week and your partner doesn't have to commit to heavier sex acts she really doesn't want to do. Because, I don't know about you, but I really can't enjoy fully sex when my partner isn't in that space. I can tell when her head is elsewhere, and most of the time, it makes a significant difference in my level of enjoyment. The counseling is so she understands how important the physicality is to you and you have to find out what her Love Language is and learn what you need to deliver for her. The book is super popular. If you want to see what the quiz is kinda like, I found this one. I don't think this one was made by the author of the book so it may not be super accurate, but you can google for others to try. Both you and your wife should take the quiz separately. Don't give up on your family without a fight. The woman probably cares about you, but she just either can't be all things for you or she doesn't know how to give you everything without losing herself in the process. Counseling can help to that end.

u/gravitre · 3 pointsr/estp

I was going to write something, but there's no tangible info to reply to.

So instead I'll ask: Have you read this book. Has he?

u/toilnorspin · 3 pointsr/Catholicism

I was hoping this would get more of a response from some more knowledgeable/well-read users, but I'll try to offer some suggestions. I'm only engaged now, never married, and I've loved reading books with my fiance to help support our spiritual life. The ones that we've read have mostly centered over Theology of the Body and understanding Catholic teachings around dating and sexuality - so I don't think these are exactly what you are looking for. (Edward Sri's "Men, Women, and the Mystery of Love" was one of my favorites that condensed JPII's book "Love and Responsibility" - it's an easy read and may be worth checking out - https://www.amazon.com/Men-Women-Mystery-Love-Responsibility/dp/0867168404 )


I feel like you are more looking for books on how to communicate, and I have two very basic suggestions for that (I apologize if you've heard of these or read them before!).

1.) The Temperament God Gave You (https://www.amazon.com/Temperament-God-Gave-You-Yourself/dp/1933184027/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;amp;ie=UTF8&amp;amp;qid=1501357551&amp;amp;sr=1-1&amp;amp;keywords=the+temperament+god+gave+you)

I brought up the temperaments with my fiance probably within the first month of dating. This book has the goofiest cover and it's a very simple read - but it is incredibly helpful in understanding one's natural tendencies, both strengths and weaknesses. The idea is that we all have a natural tendency to one of four temperaments and this will affect how we interact with others. Once you've determined your natural temperament, there is advice on how couples of certain combinations should best communicate. I know it sounds super pseudo-sciencey and Meyers-Briggs-esque, but I can say that is big in a lot of Catholic communities and it is so so helpful. If you don't want to buy the book this website has a lot of the core information as well: https://www.catholicmatch.com/institute/temperaments/

2.) The Five Love Languages (https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;amp;ie=UTF8&amp;amp;qid=1501358158&amp;amp;sr=1-1&amp;amp;keywords=the+five+love+language)

This one is also very popular and another goofy looking cover, but again really helpful in facilitating communication. The idea is that we all experience love in different ways (Quality Time, Gift Giving, Acts of Service, Physical Touch, and Words of Affirmation) and the love that we naturally give may not be the kind of love that your partner naturally wants to receive.

For both of these suggestions, I wouldn't recommend just reading cover to cover. You really can just skim through them or find resources online to get the gist and then just facilitate conversation. (I also second the Gottman Institute resources below!)


Then, on a more personal note for you, I would recommend reading "Kristin Lavransdatter" by Sigrid Undset. More information here: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/6217.Kristin_Lavransdatter

Use the new translation by Tiina Nunally, it seems like an off-the-wall suggestion because it's set in 14th century Norway, but Kristin gets swept up in a romance with an older man and marries him when she is very young. Then it follows her through their marriage and the difficulties they face. I'm only half way through (it's 900 pages long!!) but there are already so many scenes that have helped me personally, especially about how to deal with resentment. Here's a great podcast as an intro: https://player.fm/series/catholic-stuff-you-should-know/kristins-resentment


I did not mean for this to be so long! Hope it can help in any way :)

u/love_to_sleep_in · 3 pointsr/AskMen

Both of you might find these books helpful:

The five love languages This one is great for determining the ways you and your spouse like to give/receive love. It is a AMAZING book!

Not "just friends" This one is really for people who are going through an affair, but it is a good read to help "affair-proof" your marriage by learning about the dynamics that happen when affairs begin between platonic friends.

Congratulations on your upcoming marriage!!!!

u/MissionSuccess · 3 pointsr/relationship_advice

Read The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. It'll enlighten you on why you find gifts important and he doesn't, and allow you both to better communicate and show love for one another in ways you both understand.

u/gerbins · 3 pointsr/relationship_advice

The only way to gain experience is to do it. The only way to get more comfortable is to do it. My advice is: don’t fuck it up, or fuck it up, but definitely do one of those so you can start learning.

Books I recommend:

attached

Anything John Gottman

5 love languages

If you don’t want to read all those books, atleast look up summaries of the work. Also Mark Manson’s blog is really fucking good.

u/tehgen · 3 pointsr/AdviceAnimals

Have you looked into 'the five love languages'?
https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X

u/one_hot_llama · 3 pointsr/coolguides
u/donnademuertos · 3 pointsr/polyamory

https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X

Really.

The book is very cis het and has some subtly religious aspects as well as old school gender role leanings, but it's an interesting read and helps some people figure out the things they need in relationships (I'm a quality time and words person, not so much into gifts or acts of service).

u/duhvorced · 3 pointsr/Marriage

&gt; I've tried to be more spontaneous and do nice things and be the best husband ever, but I feel like what I don't do is payed more attention to than what I actually do.

You might try reading The 5 Love Languages.

tl;dr: people express and perceive love differently. You've got to show love in a way your wife values in order for it to be appreciated.

u/Cashewcamera · 3 pointsr/Veterans

I’m a vet and married to a vet with PTSD.

Try this book The Five Love Languages

A counselor recommended it to me. Basically there are 5 ways in which people give and receive love. If you don’t speak the same “language” one or both of you will always feel like your being neglected. It helps both of you figure out what “language” you speak so you can both better meet each other’s needs.

u/Vanthian · 3 pointsr/argentina

Te dejo un link a un libro que trata de este tema: So Good They Can't Ignore You, de Cal Newport.

u/ottomanbob · 3 pointsr/Narcolepsy

To be honest, I've never really participated in a traditional hiring process, so I don't know. I'm confident enough in my general competence that applying for jobs in the future doesn't really scare me. It seems your career philosophy is fairly traditional, which isn't a bad thing, but I do think "committing" less to one specific track can save you a lot of stress.

I would check out So Good They Can't Ignore You, by Cal Newport. If you can learn to work around your ailments and hone a special skillset, I believe you'll be respected and desirable as an employee! I don't know about outdoorsy stuff, but I am confident you can pave a way for yourself to do something at least park ranger-esque. Though you'll need to play the long game. Keep learning after college and consider everything research for eventual perfect job- one that caters to your interests + skills while accommodating your illness.

I know it sounds out there, but this sort of strategy could really be the way of the future. It's a risk worth taking, given that a traditional path (e.g. climbing a corporate ladder) is excessively difficult for PWN.