(Part 2) Best conflict management books according to redditors
We found 1,351 Reddit comments discussing the best conflict management books. We ranked the 186 resulting products by number of redditors who mentioned them. Here are the products ranked 21-40. You can also go back to the previous section.
One on hand, I think the evaluating peoples morality by how they play video games is a tad silly, but on the other hand, there was a difference once the women were "de-individualized."
Another take on the anonymous female violence isn't so much danger roles, but fear of direct reprisal, which is why women have a reputation for indirect and diffused aggression.
When I was reading your description...
>My son said Ant Man - which wasn't even an option - and so I asked my SD (6) what her choice would be. She chose Spider Man. So I picked Spider Man since it actually WAS an option. Well, my son didn't like that.
...it seemed pretty obvious to me that, unless you left out a lot of intermediate steps, from his perspective you asked him what he wanted and then immediately and unilaterally dismissed it. You didn't even attempt to explain until it was too late and emotions were boiling over. He didn't understand why it happened, he had no opportunity to correct and choose an existing option, and he had no opportunity to collaborate on a solution with his sister.
If you can imagine your husband asking you and your daughter your opinions on where to eat out, then simply saying "Ok, we are going to Daughter's restaurant" without a hint of discussion, you can imagine how dismissed you would feel. It would have been nice if he'd simply said, "the Italian place isn't open on Sundays, do you have another idea?"
Ignoring harmless "bad" behavior whenever possible is one of the primary strategies recommended by behaviorists (it is well supported by research; even negative attention works as a reinforcer), so the latter part of your interaction was perfect from that perspective. One of the issues I have with behaviorism, though, is that it is primarily reactive and doesn't do anything to address underlying causes. In this case, the tantrum could have been easily avoided to begin with. If you're curious about strategies in that vein, you should take a look at How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and (in regards to cooperating on choosing a story) Siblings Without Rivalry.
Read this book: http://www.amazon.com/Siblings-Without-Rivalry-Children-Together/dp/0393342212/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1451064311&sr=8-1&keywords=siblings+without+rivalry
Everything you describe is normal for a pre-school aged kid grappling with sibling rivalry. Think of it this way: your husband brings home a new wife who is younger and prettier than you are. You have no say in the choice, and are expected to share all the attention, all of your physical belongings, all the love. You still might be a "baby" in some ways (your son was when your daughter was born) but are told that you can no longer get your emotional needs met because you're a grown-up now and just need to deal.
Who cares if he baby talks on occasion or sometimes signs? Lots of kids want to "play" baby when there's a baby around. Let him climb into your lap, say, "Oh, I love my big baby," and give him a snuggle. I get that you're torn in two directions with one preschooler and one toddler but nothing you describe about his behavior is worth yelling at him for.
This is call "the mechanism of invalidation". People try to harm the self esteem of other people to improve their own self esteem.
You should buy this book and give her a copy: Nasty people
I respect your consciousness on this issue, and the ability to recognize pettiness and rising above it. Not all people can do that, and they just go all the way with their hatred and jelousy.
Don't feel too bad though...besides societal influences, the issue of female on female agression (non physical) has been studied more deeply only recently, and it has been noted it is "instinctual".
A raw reaction to usually physically attractive women. It's like women are hardwired to see other pretty or thriving ladies as competition, so hostility arises (through the form of thoughts, attitudes, behaviors, etc.) It is NOT a conscious process, it comes from the subconscious making it harder to detect and assuage.
It is quite common in our gender no matter how much we insist on hiding this side of female interactions.
Again I congratulate you on recognizing the jelousy, and reflecting.
Let's hope more women read your post and learn to recognize that urge to judge and shun other people for petty reasons.
A few books on this issue:
Woman's Inhumanity to Woman
In the Company of Women
Mean Girls grown up
I understand your sentiment so so much, believe me.
We could discuss this issue of female on female hostility until we are blue in the face, but I have realized that it is such an instinctive or "automatic" behavior from some fellow ladies.
Believe it or not, it has been studied from different perspectives, anthropological, evolutionary and biological, etc.
I'm a woman myself, and let me tell you there are some amazing ladies out there and I'm glad they exist. However, I won't be one of the bunch who would say that "I have no idea" what you're talking about or that I have never seen women being vicious towards other women.
I have seen some cruel and remorseless behavior.. It makes me sad. No, you're not crazy or imagining things. Women, at times, do treat each other quite badly more often than not.
We cannot control how others treat other people, but we can become "aware" of the problem so we can make a conscious effort and treat our own gender with more dignity and empathy, or people in general for that matter.
Here a few books on the topic, it may not be the solution you were looking for but at least it provides explanations as to why our gender acts they way they do. It has helped to understand a lot, so much so that if I ever have a daughter, once she's old enough to understand, I'll advise her to read the books.
In the Company of Women
Woman's Inhumanity to Woman
Start with Secrets to Winning Office Politics.
I also like Dealing With People You Can't Stand.
Do not read these at work!
I highly recommend No Bad Kids and Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids. Both books helped me tremendously as a parent, and helped me parent the exact opposite of how I was raised. One of the most important things at this age is consistent, clear boundaries, and standing your ground. Do not make empty threats - follow through.
Reading about dating topics helps me to some extent, since if you're looking for a serious relationship with someone it helps to already have thought about what you're looking for and these books can help you become more self-aware and communicate better. Some books that helped me think through important topics/issues: The Man's Guide to Women, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, The Gaslight Effect, and She Comes First.
>Wouldn't it be simpler and better for my kids if it was their mom, the woman I love, instead of me introducing a new woman into our lives.
With uBPD symptoms? 100% no.
Regardless of her diagnosis, she called the police to make false accusations. It's manipulate and wrong, and she'll redirect those behaviors towards your kids next.
I know the dating game seems ridiculous sometimes. If you want an epiphany over your dating choices, I highly recommend reading [Are You The One For Me?] (https://www.amazon.com/Are-You-One-Me-Avoiding/dp/0440215757) ...it'll open your eyes on why you're attracted to crazy/damaged and how to pick healthier relationships. Really helped me figure out a lot.
My daughters are not as old as your kids yet but we've recently started having more sibling rivalry issues, especially related to things not being faaaaair. We read Siblings Without Rivalry and it seems like a good guide, especially for parents of kids in elementary school. It's written by the same authors who did How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B007HXL1V0/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1
Read Siblings without Rivalry. Seriously.. This book is great.
I highly recommend this book: The Parenthood Decision: Discovering Whether You Are Ready and Willing to Become a Parent. It helped me tremendously weighing the pros and cons and clarifying my inclinations.
I second the Tannen book. Also, anything by John Gottman. You might also check out Brené Brown's books. She also has a TED talk and now a Netflix special, both of which can give you a flavor for her work.
Based on what little you've written, I think she's sensing that there is something wrong and is reacting to the meager "clues" that you give her.
If you want an aid to dealing with emotional people, then this book may help.
In no particular order:
The Gift of Fear
Meditations on Violence
Facing Violence
Verbal Judo
Surviving Armed Assaults
On Combat
The Little Black Book of Violence
Street E & E
I could probably come up with 10 more if I looked through my library.
Whichever system you decide on, the tactics in these books will be important. Reading them before choosing a school will help you know what to look for. Sadly, some self-defense school will teach things that are either not practical, or will have devastating legal consequences for you (like how to take a knife away from someone, then use it on them).
We were recommended a book for our daughter who had trouble regulating her emotions at age 2 or 3... she was a HUGE tantrum thrower and was always going from 0 - 10 in a heartbeat over every.little.thing. life would throw at her. She was seriously hard to live with in those years & we had no idea how to help change her behavior.
So, this book was actually geared for OLDER kids , but it even helped us in the preschool years. I do believe that I employed some of the advice given by the author and my daughter has grown emotionally to a great degree because of it.
In short, this book (The Explosive Child) tries to help a parent see that some children may lack the skills to problem solve effectively (thus why little toddlers and preschoolers are always freaking out - they have NO skills). For some kids, if you don't deliberately help them gain these skills, they never really gain them on their own either. This approach can help in a whole variety of situations including in situations of sibling rivalry where kids are constantly butting heads and not taking the time to problem solve on their own. I'm telling ya, this would be a great read for any parent.
So have a look - I've heard this book recommended by multiple professionals and I think it's just great:
http://www.amazon.com/The-Explosive-Child-Understanding-Chronically/dp/0061906190/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1377880482&sr=8-1&keywords=The+Explosive+Child
Practicing forgiveness has really helped me deal with feelings of hurt and resentment. Well, that's not true. Practicing forgiveness actually changed my life, not just "helped". It gave me new perspectives and tools to understand myself and others, and how to regulate my expectations, emotions, and reactions toward negative situations/people.
Forgiveness doesn't mean condoning what happened. It means releasing yourself from being trapped by what happened. It is a gift you give yourself (and maybe others). You can forgive someone without ever talking to them again.
I recommend:
Forgiveness is a Choice (Robert Enright)
Forgive for Good
Buy this book: Dealing with People You Can't Stand It helped me get through ten horrible years with a complete set of assholes, jerks, and really horrible people.
"Siblings without Rivalry" is a good book by Faber/Mazlish
amazon link
I think you need to take a step back and honestly ask yourself: is the approach we're taking working? If the answer to that question is no and I strongly suspect it is, you need a new approach.
I think that getting your kiddo back into therapy would be great. In the meantime, please read this book. It's very well written and extremely helpful for families struggling with the same types of issues you describe: http://www.amazon.com/The-Explosive-Child-Understanding-Chronically/dp/0061906190
Not at all. It’s extremely hurtful and insulting when your in-laws act like jerks after the birth of a child. I’m dealing with some other personal stuff (career), and my shrinkologist recommended the book Forgive for Good which, despite my initial skepticism, has been super helpful both in dealing with the stress in my professional life and in moving past the residual angst I feel towards my in-laws. I definitely recommend it. It’s a quick read and worth the time even if you’re not a self-help book kind of person.
Get this book......
​
https://www.amazon.com/Dealing-People-Stand-Revised-Expanded/dp/0071785728
​
You don't even need to read it just make sure they see you holding it. When someone asks you a question say, "Wait a minute" and then page through the book before giving them an answer.
Your boyfriend doesn't have to like your friend.
He needs to be polite and have a functional roommate relationship with her. If he is doing that, then that is good.
You say he isn't speaking to her... and I'm not sure if that means that he is being snide and rude to her or simply not engaging her in conversations.
If he is being rude to her, he needs to stop. Adults get along in relationships with people they hate all the time. It is the way the world works. There are techniques he can look in to (I recommend the book Dealing With People You Can't Stand).
He needs to respect your relationship with your friend and not try to drive a wedge in between you two.
You shouldn't have to tell your friend anything. HE should tell the roommate something. It doesn't have to be rude or hurtful. He could just say that he wants to preserve the roommate situation and he respects your friendship with the roommate. So, he is no longer engaging in conversation because he realizes that he was getting stressed out and angry about the negative stuff. He could say he just wants to relax at home and the negative conversations and venting are stressing him out. So, if he is quiet or leaves the room, that is why.
You could say this to the roommate, but really, he should.
She might get irrational about it... but, really, ROOMMATES DON'T HAVE TO HANG OUT AND TALK WITH EACH OTHER!!! Seriously, my SO has friends I don't particularly like talking to or hanging out with... so I DON'T. I wouldn't if we lived together either.
I've had roomies that I've barely seen. Those were the best roommates ever, IMO.
TL;DR: Your boyfriend just needs to explain to your roomie that he needs no-stress, complaint-free conversation at home... so he is going to be quiet or absent from conversation that upsets him. He doesn't have to engage her, but he does have to be an adult and have a roommate relationship and not get in the way of your friendship.
Oh... and you can be friends with someone your SO doesn't like hanging around. Adults do this all the time. Seriously.
What you have written here may be a really good start for how you could express these feelings to her. You know what you need and your sister, so definitely modulate based on those things. What about choosing a card you like and sending her a handwritten note expressing this - or an email - either way I think you'll benefit from writing it at some point? Let her know how much you love her and how much you look forward to being there for your niece/nephew. And that you know she only wants to share her joy with you out of a sense of love. Then maybe say that you also are experiencing a depth of sadness and struggle that you have a hard time expressing, and it means that hearing these day to day updates are really hard for you. Close with something about hoping that knowing how much she cares for you that she can also support you by trying to understand why you can't be the one with whom she shares this kind of thing, as much as you'd like to be.
Whatever you do - written, verbal; in any difficult conversation it helps to avoid saying "but," in place use "and." The book Difficult Conversations helped me with feeling more confident about how to address this kind of thing in my personal and professional life, that was one point that stuck. I read it while earning my principal licensure, but I swear I used it more with dealing with my MIL!
For anyone wondering, this is actually supported by studies. To precedede this, I will state that regardless of the underlying reason for these differences, they still exists. Even in individuals, women have higher risk aversion, but particularly in groups, many studies have shown consistent and large differences in behavior to promote cohesion and avoid conflict. Even the rate of anxiety disorders is much higher, when taking into account obvious potential confounders.
Now, why is this so bad? Because this behavior was demonstrated when it came to a simple matter of ideas. Due to women having lower physical strength, and a gender advantage when it comes to the recognition and innate analysis of emotion, passive aggression was what evolved as their strategy: https://www.amazon.com/Company-Women-Indirect-Aggression-Among/dp/1585422231
and this is what is the tactic that is observed for group-regulation, they use passive aggressivism and ostracism to promote conformity.
I recall their being other threads on women and libertarian where at least one person has posited that there are less women who adhere to the ideology due to conformism, fear, not wanting to stand out and have controversial opinions.
Hi there Internet stranger. I was very much an unpopular to the point of mental health issues child. I felt like my social skills didn't fully develop until I got into my mid twenties due to the stunted start I had.
This book helped me immensely. http://amzn.com/1593859864 The Lost Art of Listening by Michael P. Nichols.
This book teaches you, through explanation and example, how to communicate effectively with others so that they feel their needs are met and you feel your needs are met.
We're talking basics here, solid basics. How to comport your body to reflect appropriate body language. How to direct your gaze, body mirroring. How to listen to someone without just waiting for your turn to speak. How to reflect back someone's statement so they feel supported and understood instead of comparing, minimizing, or dismissing.
There's a ton of content in this book and if you read it and absorb it and start applying it as rules in your head your relationships will improve with others.
I've been told that the way I embrace this is similar to those 'on the scale' with Autism, in that many Autistic people feel that they have a list of ridiculous rules they need to follow to interact with 'normals' and the rules work - but damn if they understand why they should need them.
I'm grateful that my brain hiccups allow me to comprehend why people react well to these rules and why my changes in my behavior lead to improvement in my relationships.
I still have a ton of 'fussy' rules to follow but at least now I know what the $%*@ they are.
Ah! I can relate to this thread. I have bought a lot of parenting books and mean to get through them when I can. My favorites so far have been
https://www.amazon.com/Peaceful-Parent-Happy-Kids-Connecting/dp/0399160280
https://www.amazon.com/Gentle-Discipline-Emotional-Connection-Not-Punishment/dp/0143131893
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0814437419/ref=dp_ob_neva_mobile
https://www.amazon.com/Raising-Freethinkers-Practical-Parenting-Beyond/dp/0814410960
https://www.amazon.com/Raising-Cain-Protecting-Emotional-Life/dp/0345434854
I own the Whole Brain Child and just can’t finish it. The technical parts about the brain have stumped me and i kept having to reread paragraphs over and over so I moved on to something else.
I am a father of a 2 year old and have been reading many parenting books recently. The ones that have the most impact are Playful Parenting and Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids
Both talk about holding your child until they are done having "difficult feelings" and playing through the experiences they have difficulty with. While these might be harder with older children there are other techniques to use with older children in the books. There are so many techniques to deal with difficult children besides hitting, it is just that corporal punishment is the fastest and easiest to dole out.
I am always confused with adults who talk about how they turned out alright even though they faced corporal punishment. I always want to ask if they turned out like they did in spite of their upbringing or because of it. Do we then compare our circumstances (I make X amount, I have X amount of stuff, I have X amount of free time) and if my circumstances are better, does that mean my parents raised me better?
Parents are responsible for their childrens behavior. This could be a blind spot preventing you from holding your own parents accountable. If you can't emotionally understand this you wont logically understand this following argument.
If a parent needs to get their children to do something or not to do something out of fear of punishment then it's not a relationship. It's dictatorship and you'll never get respect or compliance from your children when you act like you know what's best for them - and this is the reason why abuse escalates.
It's the parents responsibility to teach their children right and wrong by talking and listening to them, helping them understand, and ultimately modelling that behaviour themselves.
Before you have children, it's important to work on yourself because everything you experienced as a child from abusive parents thats lingering in your unconscious will come to the surface when you have your own children.
It seems you area already projecting some of this by thinking experimentation like smoking in the room or lying about homework is bad. Wouldn't it be better to foster a relationship where your children can you tell they tried a cigarette or don't want to do their homework? That way you can actually be involved in their lives.
If you raise your children correctly I wouldn't worry about most bad activities because you'll give them the skills to know better. The science shows that addictions, victim of bullying and peer pressure are all caused by child abuse and an unstable home. If you want to know more about this look up Gabor Mate (I have more resources).
Actually as children get older they become easier to parent when you raise them peacefully and being involved because you have built up a relationship.
Here are books I'd recommend:
Why Love Matters: How Affection Shapes a Baby's Brain
http://www.amazon.com/Why-Love-Matters-Affection-Shapes/dp/1583918175
The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self http://www.amazon.com/Drama-Gifted-Child-Search-Revised/dp/0465016901
The Truth Will Set You Free: Overcoming Emotional Blindness and Finding Your True Adult Self http://www.amazon.com/Truth-Will-Set-You-Free/dp/0465045855[2]
For Your Own Good: Hidden Cruelty in Child-Rearing and the Roots of Violence http://www.amazon.com/Your-Own-Good-Child-Rearing-Violence/dp/0374522693[3]
Stefan Molyneux: Real-Time Relationships: The Logic of Love http://www.freedomainradio.com/free/books/FDR_3_PDF_Real_Time_Relationships.pdf
On Truth: The Tyranny of Illusion http://board.freedomainradio.com/blogs/freedomain/archive/2008/09/11/book-on-truth-the-tyranny-of-illusion.aspx
Between Parent and Child: The Bestselling Classic That Revolutionized Parent-Child Communication http://www.amazon.com/Between-Parent-Child-Revolutionized-Communication/dp/0609809881
Playful Parenting http://www.amazon.com/Playful-Parenting-Lawrence-J-Cohen/dp/0345442865
Unconditional Parenting http://www.amazon.com/Unconditional-Parenting-Moving-Rewards-Punishments/dp/0743487486
Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves http://www.naomialdort.com/book.html
Parent Effectiveness Training http://www.amazon.com/Parent-Effectiveness-Training-Responsible-Children/dp/0609806939
The Philosophical Baby: What Children's Minds Tell Us About Truth, Love, and the Meaning of Life http://www.amazon.com/Philosophical-Baby-Childrens-Minds-Meaning/dp/0374231966
What's Going on in There? : How the Brain and Mind Develop in the First Five Years of Life http://www.amazon.com/Whats-Going-There-Brain-Develop/dp/0553378252
Becoming the Kind Father: A Son's Journey http://www.amazon.com/Becoming-Kind-Father-Sons-Journey/dp/0865715823
Connection Parenting http://connectionparenting.com/connection-parenting-book.html
Garg and I are making a new resolution to go through this book together. https://www.amazon.com/Communication-Miracles-Couples-Effective-Conflict/dp/1573245836/ref=zg_bs_282915_27?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=Q94D7HY1SH22JFBW241R
How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful
NOT "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity
And a personal favorite:
Meditations
Siblings without Rivalry is a good one to get in front of the sibling infighting and prevent resentments between kiddos.
Verbal Judo by George Thompson. Notes on dealing with conflict in conversation without causing a fight and by avoiding anger.
http://www.amazon.com/Verbal-Judo-The-Gentle-Persuasion/dp/0060577657
EDIT: Easily one of the best books i've ever read. I use it's principles every day. I just decided a week ago that i'll be buying a new copy ASAP.
I feel the book "The Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defense" is a great starting point. It has been reprinted, revised and spun off quite a few times. i have the 1980 printing, you may find This one more applicable.
Verbal Judo I believe /u/leatherheadff has taken the course on this.
I can tell you IMO emails and texts are one of the most dangerous forms of communications in the modern world. You lose intonation, inflection and body language which most experts and studies say is 60-95% of actual communication. It is also way to easy to shoot something off in the heat of a moment (My gmail has a ten second delay were I can cancel the sending if I have second thoughts) or while responding emotionally.
A quick trick for handling work emails is to ask yourself am I "reacting" or "responding". Delete any reactive content. Also, try to talk like spock or a computer and never leave in content that you are tempted to put an emoticon near. Very few emails should or need to be more then a couple of sentences. Always leave the address bar blank when composing an email and if you hesitate for more then a second before hitting send something most likely needs to be changed.
Sorry for wall of text, Adderall is in full effect.
I looked into this book a while ago but ended up settling on Verbal Judo which I HIGHLY recommend.
I've worked the door at several bars and I can't tell you how much this book has helped me de-escalate potentially bad situations.
Even if you don't work in the service industry, this book will help you communicate with anyone from stubborn co-workers to a customer service rep that isn't willing to help.
How about The Explosive Child by Ross Greene? Focuses on the Collaborative Problem Solving approach (see also www.thinkkids.org), which views temper tantrums as a delay in the development of emotion regulation skills and works on building those skills. Jed Baker's No More Meltdowns is another great option with some similar ideas.
For general parenting -- including dealing with tantrums -- I love How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Faber and Mazlish. Dawson and Guare's Smart But Scattered helps with executive functioning skills-development of all types (emotional regulation is an executive function; others include things like organization and planning).
Oh, and I haven't made it all the way through it yet, but The Whole Brain Child has some good ideas on how to talk about distress tolerance with kids, e.g., "surfing the emotional waves."
I am pro-therapy, as I've mentioned here many times. But one of the downsides is we really do have to be advocates for ourselves and keep our therapist on point. If we know we have clear anger management and depression or anxiety issues, we have make sure every visit our therapist addresses these issues and not let the conversation go on a half hour tangent and treat our real issues as a last minute afterthought.
Whether you have clinical depression or not is ultimately up to the therapist’s diagnosis. But it’s still unfortunate they were not able to give you better advice and guidance that could have possibly helped you prevent getting into trouble at work by simply teaching you how to communicate better with your co-workers.
I advise taking charge and changing therapists if they don't help you consistently address your most prominent issues. Just say thanks, this will be my last visit. If that's too confrontational, schedule a new one while you're in the office but as soon as you can schedule a first visit with a new therapist, then call and cancel with your old one and say you are trying someone new. Seriously whatever it takes to get to a new one. They won't be offended.
Here is a way to take matters into your own hands and have more control over your treatment. So a way to keep your treatment, healing and learning on track is to get a notebook or journal, even Google Docs, and start writing what is bothering you and how you might be abel to deal with it better. Here is a method for keeping a thought diary for anxiety specifically, but it works for any strong emotion. Here's another format in case you like more structure (like I do!), this one is a PTSD worksheet. You can cross out PTSD and write anger, depression, whatever the case may be, the approach is very similar. You can print out 20 copies and have them in your desk ready for you and just go through it when you have an anger episode. Or you can use it as a guide and write your own column headers in your notebook/journal to suit your needs. That's actually what I do. I have a minimized version.
Every time you get angry, sit down for five minutes and write out what happened. Then take a few minutes to see if you could do 2 things. 1. find a way to anticipate your anger so you can take action sooner next time. 2. Find a way you can respond better next time. The links above help with exactly this but I thought it worth mentioning the goal of all of this.
Don’t be hard on yourself. Getting mad at yourself when these thigns happen just makes the anger and anguish last longer. I know it’s cliche but treat it as a learning experience. And that’s actually harder than it sounds, which is why you want to conserve your energy when it happens and not waste it raging about it. Sit down and start writing. That’s the discipline. You know yourself better than anyone else. So you are the best person to diagnose what happened, when exactly you got pissed off and what perspective you might have used to work better in the moment.
If you are best as someone’s wingman, stay at that level. But if you desire to be team lead again and to have a team under you, take a classes in management, project management, Six Sigma, team building and team communication. Anything that will help you put a framework on the problem. Here are some books I would suggest.
Difficult Conversations
Anger Management for Dummies
Take Charge of Your Life
The Art of Living
Hope some of this helps!
Difficult Conversations is a phenomenal book for this.
I couldn’t finish the book. I stopped reading when they recommended locking a 5-yr old in their room during a tantrum, and gave a detailed explanation on how to wedge a blanket just right if you don’t have a lock on the door.
One of the authors, Foster Cline, was a big proponent of attachment therapy, a controversial therapeutic technique that killed a few kids back in the 1980’s and 1990’s.
Personally, I think Love and Logic is dangerous, and if I hear of a parent using their techniques, I would suggest alternative books.
I like Peaceful Parent, Happy Kid, How to Talk so Kids Will Listen, and The Whole Brain Child..
I recommend an oldie but goody: "Are You the One for Me?: Knowing Who's Right and Avoiding Who's Wrong" by Barbara de Angelis. It's basically an excellent guide for vetting and for learning how to break out of bad habits when it comes to choosing partners.
If it's any help, right now I'm going through some marriage counseling. I had my first session this past week, and he recommended a book for me that I have found extremely helpful so far (and I'm only like two chapters in). Granted, you're already divorced, but I think there's still a lot to learn about being in relationships in general.
It's called The Divorce Remedy by Michele Weiner Davis. One thing she mentions in there is that when you have kids, you're never truly divorced; you're always impacted by your former spouse.
Also, You'll Get Through This by Max Lucado is a book my mom bought me last week. I will give you a heads up that it is Christianity based (uses a lot of Biblical passages; writer is a former pastor I believe), and I never want to impose religion on anyone, but I loved the overall positivity and message in this book. It's really helped keep me above the line over the last two weeks.
So... I was a shitty dad for a couple years. I was raised in a way where it was expected that the woman was supposed to take care of the kids, and exacerbated by the fact that my wife was a SAHM...
There is hope. You have a lot of emotional content that you need to communicate to your husband in order to move things in a better direction. It sounds to me like he is probably a really shitty listener, and is therefore unable to empathize better with what you are going through.
You should read the book "The Lost Art of Listening" and then ask your husband to read it. It may help you bridge the emotional gap that you are experiencing. It still takes a lot more than "understanding" to fix a relationship -- but without understanding, it's damn near impossible.
That's extremely naive.
You need to read this:
NOT "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity
https://www.amazon.com/NOT-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering-ebook/dp/B00120955S
Buy the book Not Just Friends
One more thing - Esther Perel has an excellent book and podcast on her marriage counseling - including helping couples deal with exactly this. She is wise and worth listening too:
https://www.estherperel.com/podcast
​
Lots of good books - you might want to try:
NOT "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity
by Shirley Glass and Jean Coppock Staeheli
Both of you might find these books helpful:
The five love languages This one is great for determining the ways you and your spouse like to give/receive love. It is a AMAZING book!
Not "just friends" This one is really for people who are going through an affair, but it is a good read to help "affair-proof" your marriage by learning about the dynamics that happen when affairs begin between platonic friends.
Congratulations on your upcoming marriage!!!!
Did you know Amazon will donate a portion of every purchase if you shop by going to smile.amazon.com instead? Over $50,000,000 has been raised for charity - all you need to do is change the URL!
Here are your smile-ified links:
"The Parenthood Decision: Discovering Whether You Are Ready and Willing to Become a Parent
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^^i'm ^^a ^^friendly bot
I have this book in mind for down the road, but as for preparing the older child, I don't think any one book will do it, each kid will handle it differently. I'm just collecting random library books. None of them stand out as of yet, sorry.
You may need a neutral 3rd party to remove the communication roadblock.
You're 100% right that her statistics are false. You could ask if there is a compromise. Maybe she doesn't like public schools but maybe a charter or private school would meet both your needs.
You are months away from birth, and years away from school. You have time to work this out.
This kind of communication roadblock makes me wonder if you're having issues elsewhere. Please read this book:
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert https://smile.amazon.com/dp/B00N6PEQV0/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_ssZuDb26CVHT2
I'm sorry :( that really must be hard. With the physical and emotional distance, I can't even imagine the toll it brings on you. Praying for healed intimacy between you in every way.
If you have time, I would suggest reading this book. It's not a Christian book, but I had two separate Christian marriage counselors recommend it to me. I wrote a summary of it here if you're looking to catch the gist (or here's a more in-depth summary if it interests you). There are perhaps 100+ pages of exercises in the book for working on forming connection with your spouse once again. It's an absolutely wonderful book for getting ideas.
> Wants our remaining friendship to “grow organically” after we divorce.
Hmm, when I hear this, it sounds a lot to me like he's not closed off to friendship entirely. Here's a series of radical suggestions just to give some ideas that could potentially break the pattern so to speak. Just thinking out loud!
I know that when negative sentiment override is running the show, lots of efforts are rejected, but all it takes is a single crack in his armor and then he can start to remember what a wonderful wife he has.
Just some thoughts - joining you in prayer.
Yea, please don't be passive-aggressive about your problems. Even if it works a few times, in the long run, it will not help.
Your best bet, as with any situation, is to address the situation you have is to address the situation directly. It might be awkward and difficult, but in the long run, it is better for your relationship because things will not end up festering until the other person realizes that there is a problem. Try reading Verbal Judo. It is not the end all be all of communication, but it certainly presents some solid points that help in interactions with all manner of people.
That said, you need to sit down with your SO and have a serious talk with them about your finances, his finances, and your future together. Finances are the #1 reason relationships fail, so you are not doing yourself ANY good by not actually talking to him about this being such an issue for you.
This isn't a case of "He's out of work and can't afford to contribute to the monthly expenses, but he helps out in other ways, and we are still tight." He has the money. You do not feel like he's contributing much to your household, and I would agree with your assessment.
As someone that has two step-daughters and no children of my own, I will say with certainty, there are guys out in the world that will be good with your child, but are interested in being part of a household "team." If he is not contributing financially, he, at the least, needs to be doing things to contribute to the household as a whole.
Someone elsewhere in the thread mentioned that you should think of your daughter and the behavior that this models for her. I absolutely agree. You need to model behavior for your daughter that says that it is ok to look for someone that values you and her and is willing to work together for the benefit of everyone.
The only Luskin book I've read, "Forgive for Good", is primarily for those who continue to struggle with anger and bitterness and can't seem to let go of terrible wrongs from the past. Still, it's a great book for developing a better understanding of the power of forgiveness, and I'd recommend it to anyone who struggles with forgiving others.
The explanation hinges on whether you are prepared to accept the existence and function of the subconscious or unconscious portion of the human mind. If you can accept it, there is a very adequate explanation (largely not accepted by mainstream medicine) that has fallen out of favor, though has never been disproven.
Obviously, if the pain is caused directly by injury or disease that can be explained with clinical diagnostic, then the pain is caused by that injury or disease. However, where there is no obvious explanation for the pain, the pain may be caused by stress or essentially, your own brain. What is pain caused by the brain? Psychosomatic illness or symptoms. What is the psychosomatic illness caused by? Suppressed or repressed anger -- the most powerful emotion. Why would the brain cause you pain? To offer a distraction from your unsolvable or inescapable problems or let downs in life that you may consider inescapable, to, in essence, allow you to function.
The brain frequently picks a 'favorite' site to locate physical psychosomatic pain. I carried my psychosomatic pain in my shoulders/neck for many years, and after a back injury, my brain then 'preferred' to locate my psychosomatic pain in my back instead. Long after my back injury had healed, I still had un-explainable back pain (like 3 bloody years later!).
​
Please let me explain (and sorry for the wall of text, oof).
​
Sarno^(1,2) believes that the purpose of psychosomatic symptoms or pain are to offer a distraction, to relieve the person suffering of emotional pain, by substituting physical symptoms instead. The bigger the stressor, the more unsolvable, the more intractable, the more emotionally painful it is, the greater the risk is of developing psychosomatic symptoms, and the greater the resulting psychosomatic pain.
Psychosomatic illness or symptoms causing pain are largely unconscious, as in not under any direct voluntary executive conscious control, reactions to strong emotions, particularly anger. This doesn't mean the pain is made up, it means, we aren't even aware its made up, and cannot certainly just pretend it away. The pain is very real, the muscle tension is real, the symptoms are real. The cause, however, is not organic: it is our own brain.
How does the brain cause pain? As Sarno^(1,2) points out, there are studies that show that enervated muscle tissue suffering from psychosomatic pain actively has lower oxygen content. Sarno believes that the brain is capable of utilizing the autonomic nervous system to deprive target tissues of blood flow, and hence oxygen. Nerves that are deprived of oxygen are capable of generating pain.
Massaging the affected areas may increase blood flow, and hence, temporarily alleviate the tension symptoms.
What do psychosomatic symptoms include? They can include muscle pain, particularly lower back pain that doesn't have any obvious cause, depression, anxiety, sleep problems, IBS, fibromyalgia, among others.
Freud is largely credited with documentation and early work on this, however, his insistence that psychosomatic illness was as a result of repressed sexual feelings missed the mark.
Later work (by Sarno^(1,2), Hanscom^(3), Schechter^(4), Schubiner^(5), and Kellerman^(6)) has shown that suppressed or repressed anger or rage is the primary emotion that drives psychosomatic illness. Why repress rage? Because those of us who act on it and lash out end up ostracized, in fights we may not win, hurting people, losing our jobs, or ending up in jail. Thats why. As social animals, we evolved to repress rage.
How does suppressed or repressed anger or rage work? According to Kellerman^(6) ,Sarno^(1), and Luskin^(7), subconscious anger is generated when we experience let downs, stress or our 'wishes' or expectations in life don't get met. Note this is normal: we either (1) don't get what we want, (2) don't get what we want the way we want it, (3) in the amount we want it in, (4) or when we want it.
The anger may also be the result of grevious insult or injury, caused by accidents, abuse, crime (assault, rape, or murder of family member or loved one), see Luskin^(7).
Certain personalities of people, as Sarno^(1,2) pointed out, seem to be at higher risk for developing symptoms of psychosomatic illness. People who suffer from 'goodism', or want to do the right thing and internalize anger very readily may suffer moreso from psychosomatic symptoms.
According to Hanscom^(3) and Sarno^(2), symptom relief provided by massage therapy, accupuncture, chiropractic manipulation, physiotherapy may simply be providing temporary relief of the pain caused by psychosomatic illness, but in the end all of these are possibly a placebo, and do not treat the cause (again, if the cause is not an obvious injury or clinically diagnosable disease).
One way to rid yourself of the anger causing the psychosomatic symptoms is to forgive those who have transgressed against you or caused you emotional suffering. As Luskin^(7) points out, many people who suffer from anger and hurt, decades later, caused by grevious injury or injustice, gain better emotional peace of mind by forgiving.
The more I read about it, the more I am fascinated by anger as an emotion.
​
References:
​
I'd like to recommend the book Nasty People. [Book!]( http://www.amazon.com/Nasty-People-Being-without-Stooping/dp/0071410228
)
I wish I'd read it earlier in my life. From the description: " With straight-talking advice, real-life anecdotes, and psychology that makes sense, Carter explains how to handle and stop painful behavior that harms both the perpetrator and the victim."
Try this
Nasty People: How to Stop Being Hurt by Them without Stooping to Their Level https://www.amazon.com/dp/0071410228/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_84RszbFD86HAT
You might want to read ...
Nasty People: How to Stop Being Hurt by Them without Stooping to Their Level by Jay Carter
https://www.amazon.com/Nasty-People-Being-without-Stooping/dp/0071410228
Curiously enough, if I recall correctly, immediately walking away and disengaging upon certain behaviors like name-calling was one of the recommended calm and non-threatening actions that instantly tells the invalidator that they cannot treat you that way and that they do not have control over you.
The good news is that many invalidators are not maliciously, intentionally, consciously behaving this way. They are just imitating behavior that they have witnessed or experienced. It's a learned behavior and/or a self-defense type of thing. And they are usually sad. But, that behavior can be altered. There is, however, a very small percentage of the population that probably can't. Hopefully, the techniques will improve your relationship, or at least make you aware of what is happening so that you can prevent it from affecting you so much.
Isolation is a classic invalidation technique. This book has helped friends and me tremendously. The people you really have to worry about are the people who do it intentionally.
http://www.amazon.com/Nasty-People-Being-without-Stooping/dp/0071410228/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1278085217&sr=8-1
There are a few more good ones:
The No Asshole Rule
Dealing with Difficult People
It took me two downsizes to figure out what I was doing wrong. I thought it was just my vocational skills that were terrible. Not so.
This known as uncommitted complaining. People often do it to vent, but as you've found it can become tiresome. I have a policy of not listening to uncommitted complaining for very long. If you want to complain to me about something repeatedly, you better be prepared to fix it. Of course, talking to people about that can be difficult. I've learned a lot from Difficult Conversation and [Leadership and Self Deception].(http://www.amazon.com/Leadership-Self-Deception-Getting-Out/dp/1576751740)
Maybe Difficult Conversations by Douglas Stone, the Harvard Mediation guy? (He also wrote 'Getting to Yes') I have found the book helpful, and your team might like it because it applies to all areas of life, not just work. http://www.amazon.com/Difficult-Conversations-Discuss-What-Matters/dp/014028852X
Also, the Harvard Business Review has some good anthology-style books. Might be nice to get one on teams, management, strategy, or whatever looks good (they're all on Amazon) and discuss. I read one on management and thought it was really useful.
Also agree that 'Getting Things Done' is a good book to have in the office library!
I second "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen." The authors (Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish) also have an excellent book called "Siblings Without Rivalry"
http://www.amazon.com/Siblings-Without-Rivalry-Children-Together/dp/0393342212/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1418149953&sr=8-1&keywords=siblings+without+rivalry+how+to+help+your+children+live+together+so+you+can+live+too
Continue with the counselor. Don't be afraid to see a different counselor that is a better fit for you. The problem with the term "counselor", is that is could mean someone with 1 year of college experience or a person with extensive residency with 7 years of university experience. I would look for a registered psychologist who specialized in CBT or EMDR. Although all professionals legally have to report child abuse. However, I don't think simply having the desire to strike your child would be grounds for a CPS call granted you aren't doing it.
First off, I would find a new child care provider. Your mom is still abusing you. The more you are around your mom and subject your children to her behaviour, the worse it will get. There ARE child care providers that are versed in allergies. You may need to pack lunches as well as provide a list of do's and don't's. Consider a in-home nanny, or a child care provider with training.
It is really hard to re-train your brain. You have trained your brain to act out with violence/anger when upset. Retraining that will take serious time, mindfulness, and patience. Consider looking into more anger management courses as well as parenting courses. When in doubt, if you feel like you are going to explode. Make sure your kid is in a safe environment, and leave the area. Go to your room/bathroom. Relax. Takes some breaths.
I can suggest these books:
Simply asking for help shows you care.
I just started reading it - but my therapist recommended Are You The One For Me?
Here are some other books that really helped me. I'm always recommending them to people on Reddit. Are you the one for me?
https://www.amazon.com/Are-You-One-Me-Avoiding/dp/0440215757
Also "Safe people"
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0310210844/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1520720670&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=safe+people+by+cloud+and+townsend&dpPl=1&dpID=412yuh5j4RL&ref=plSrch
Henry Cloud is a great author. Also "Why can't you read my mind REALLY helped my marriage.
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1569244758/ref=mp_s_a_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1520720763&sr=8-2&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=why+cant+you+read+my+mind
Arm yourself bro! And good luck!
Sure, considering my history I am sure that I will have a desire to punish at some point, but i am confident that it will be unecessary and that I will be able to restrain myself. Dr Thomas Gordon has been running parenting classes for decades successfully teaching parents how to raise children without punishment and there are plenty of parents doing great with it.
First of all, good for you for caring so much about your son's health and sleep. Please forgive the armchair psychology that follows. Of course you can just disregard what I say if I'm way off base.
From the sounds of it, your son has a lot going on, and you are feeling a lot of pressure to help him through it. I wonder whether you are expressing anxiety that he picks up on and reflects back to you. Children look to adults for guidance on how to manage emotions and stressful situations. (See, e.g., Ginott, Between Parent and Child.) In the abstract, a child doesn't know that sleeping poorly is stressful, but that child can learn to associate lack of sleep with stress, which creates a horrible feedback loop that can lead to insomnia. (See, e.g., Jacobs, Say Good Night to Insomnia.) Overcoming insomnia can involve unwinding negative thoughts and behaviors associated with sleep; it seems to follow that one should do one's best not to form those associations to begin with.
I see that you've tried many things to help him sleep. As a parent myself, I get the urge to try one thing and then another etc. But I often realize in my own life that trying different things is a behavior that makes me feel better ("hey, at least I tried!"), but it just leaves my own 7-year-old bewildered -- I can imagine that from his perspective, it just makes the world seem like an arbitrary place where the people who care for you don't really know what's going on. Perhaps from your son's perspective, it looks like this: I didn't sleep well; parents freak out about it, so it's a "freakoutable" thing and now I'm freaked out; parents see my freak-out, and they love me so they try desperately to fix the problem; nothing works and parents freak out about it; etc.
So what might one do rather than try to solve the problem? I would try to be calm; show him through your words and behaviors that this isn't a big deal. That might not reflect your reality -- it's a big deal to you, and if he doesn't sleep well it will become a big deal for him. But it's important not to trigger the stress response, which is at cross-purposes with sleep.
As for more specific interventions, you might want to check out this guidance from NIH. It's a short document, and if you look around for sleep advice, you'll find these same tips (consistent bedtime, cool bedroom, no screens before bed) again and again.
All that said, it's probably worth consulting the pediatrician. If there's something medical at issue, it'd be good to know. And if there's nothing, it'll help you and him to hear it from the doctor. I'm not sure I'd seek melatonin; although it's useful for resetting a circadian rhythm that's out of whack, it could be that the rhythm is fine but failing to express itself strongly because of bad sleep hygiene or stress, so I'd try to iron out those wrinkles first.
Good luck.
I will write more later when I'm not at work, but in the meantime, check out this book, because if I knew what was in it BEFORE shit hit the fan, we'd probably still be together. This book is spot on.
http://www.amazon.com/Divorce-Remedy-Proven-Program-Marriage/dp/0684873257
I'll give you more details about my personal situation later.
I just want to say that I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I have had my own share of marital duress this year (2014 just seems to suck for everyone I talk to, myself included) and it's not something I wish upon anyone.
I don't know your situation, but with me reading all the relationship books I could find really helped me gain some perspective. I'll link them but the main advice is the same: you have to start rebuilding you. This of course I'm sure being the last thing you want to hear right now. Based on the 5 or 6 books I read when a partner who wants to leave (and who does so in this case) and the other person begs and tries to cajole the other into coming back, the person on the wayward side gets pushed even further away (I've personally seen this myself). But once the person who was abandoned starts living and doing for themselves the wayward party sees this and begins to assess what they're doing and why they're doing it.
Like I said, this is just the collected advice of the various things that I read and may not pertain to you in the slightest. Regardless I'll make sure to pray for you because what you're going through is just horrible and I really feel for you.
Here are the books:
Best of luck and I hope everything works out.
This.
It doesn't have to take years. And you should probably talk to another therapist with a more positive outlook if you want to rescue your marriage.
Read this book: The Divorce Remedy
And try to get your wife to read it, too.
Joint counseling isn't for everyone. And it can be really uncomfortable, depending upon the couple. Just having ONE of you going to a therapist is going to help. Maybe your wife will decide to go for individual counseling herself at some point.
In reading your description, I get the feeling that your marriage is more than just "for security" as the therapist has described it. You two are comfortable with each other, see eye-to-eye on a lot of things, and you say that you love each other. It sounds to me like there's something worth saving. You have spent half your life with your wife. Is there anyone who know you any better than her?
Anyway, my advice is to work on the relationship. Start by reading the book I listed above. It explains how a marriage unravels like yours has, and how to fix it. It has sections on specific issues, like the "dead bedroom" situation you have described. Good luck, and remember that the grass is always greener (although it sounds like you have already discovered the truth in this fallacy through your various affairs).
Source: 18 months ago I thought my marriage was over after my wife told me how unhappy she was and disclosed an emotional affair she was having. We are back on track and things have been better than they have been in years. We just celebrated our 24 year anniversary!
My reading interests are varied; right now it's a couples' relationship book. It's got a stupid name but actually is pretty excellent:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1573245836/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1419322680&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SY200_QL40&dpPl=1&dpID=41Cjxj7SFJL&ref=plSrch
Edited for grammar. :)
I know many people who loved and swear by The Power of Now, but it didn't do it for me. Too spiritual. I recommend two books by the Arbinger Institute. Leadership and Self-Deception: Getting Out of the Box and The Anatomy of Peace. They are both written in a narritive style so they were easier reads for me while still giving the insights and more specifically, the actions, that helped me.
In the Company of Women: Indirect Aggression Among Women: Why We Hurt Each Other and How to Stop
I would highly recommend reading The Parenthood Decision. At least take a look at the free kindle sample. My wife and I already knew we wanted kids, but this book added some confidence to our decision on when (and why) to start trying.
I got a book called 7 principles of making marriage work. If I were you I'd get the book, see if you naturally tend toward the negative indicators from the author, and make a call there.
FH and I certainly have our moments, and we also had very incompatible fighting strategies when we started dating. But by the time we got engaged, things felt pretty easy (four years in). I know how he needs to hear things so he doesn't shut down (aka no yelling anymore, even though that's natural for me) and he knows that I'm going to trust him that nothing is wrong until he tells me something is wrong.
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My gut reaction to your post is to postpone. It only seems to get more stressful as you go along, and honestly, how he manages his family after they freak out will tell you a lot about his shiny spine and if it's you two vs the world, or you vs him and his family. And that certainly seems like a longterm concern for you.
​
It shouldn't be a trudge.
​
PS the whole premise of the book is that it's a psychologist who studies marriage, and he can predict divorce within a few minutes of meeting couples. Seems like a good (less expensive) assessment of your potential at this point. Plus it's our wedding counseling replacement.
I'm thrilled you found this helpful! Parenting is so hard, and I'm lucky I have a very intuitive wife who is helping guide me through the tricky parts. It sounds like you are in a similar role.
I would offer one piece of parting advice: broach the topic with your husband this evening. Maybe ask him "Hey, I left a reddit comment open on your laptop this morning. Did you get a chance to read it?" It is incredibly important that you begin to work together with him. Here's a very short resource on how to start a discussion rather than an argument.
I would also recommend seeing if there are any "Bringing Baby Home" seminars in your area. Your child might be "too old" for one, but just lie and say she's a few months old, then "leave her with grandma". When my wife and I took it, it was a two day seminar that has almost nothing to do with children, and everything to do with the stresses a new child places of your marriage. It helps you come up with some coping techniques, and provides some more productive alternatives to managing conflict.
If you can't make it into one of those, read The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Basically, anything by Dr. John Gottman is going to be extremely good. It's what my wife reads, so I should know :) He is also the one who developed the content for the Bringing Baby Home seminar.
I wish you the best of luck. And if your husband wants to talk to another dad who struggles with a lot of the same stuff he is, have him message me. I'll be happy to chat.
But seriously, don't leave it up to chance that he read my first post.
Take a gander at this book
I posted something similar a while back. I've since run across the book 'Forgive for Good', by Fred Luskin. I highly recommend it, it's helped me so much to reframe and diffuse my anger and bitterness. It took me several months to read it all, just because practically every sentence seemed to apply.
https://www.amazon.com/Forgive-Good-Proven-Prescription-Happiness/dp/006251721X/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3AYDBHVLP3571&keywords=forgive+for+good&qid=1562626339&s=gateway&sprefix=forgive+for+good%2Caps%2C158&sr=8-1
I found this book to be very useful in learning how to forgive. I highly recommend it.
Forgive for Good - Frederic Luskin
There is a book... Forgive for good.
Hasn't quite gotten me to get over what some bad teachers did to my kid but has brought me some small peace.
Nasty People: How to Stop Being Hurt by Them without Stooping to Their Level
>Fourteen years since its first publication, the bestsellerNasty People has been revised and updated to cover the motivations of nasty people, how to avoid confrontation with a nasty boss, how to handle a nasty spouse, and much more, including:
>
> - How to break the cycle of nastiness
> - A new understanding of personality disorders and depression
> - Narcissism, nasty behavior, and self-doubt
> - Nasty people and self-validation
> - The role adrenaline plays in nasty behavior and our responses to it.
>
>Everyone knows a person who has been hurt, betrayed, or degraded by nasty individuals or has experienced it themselves. In three books, Jay Carter, Psy. D., shows readers how to stop this cycle of overt and covert abuse, without resorting to nasty tactics. Now for the first time, this series is released together to cover all areas of dealing with difficult people. With straight-talking advice, real-life anecdotes, and psychology that makes sense, Carter explains how to handle and stop painful behavior that harms both the perpetrator and the victim.
Thanks, but I didn't coin the term. It came from Chapter One of this book: http://www.amazon.com/Nasty-People-Jay-Carter/dp/0071410228 (I have some real winners in my family.)
This can be useful:
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0071785728/ref=mp_s_a_1_fkmr2_1?ie=UTF8
I'm not sure this will help with your situation, but for general conflict resolution, I like Difficult Conversations
I'm so sorry this is happening to you. How do you get along in other aspects of your life, raising a child, sharing a household etc? I can't imagine that he doesn't know something is wrong.
I highly recommend the book Difficult Conversations for looking at a variety of ways to approach this conversation. People can say a lot of things without understanding what effect it will have/did have on other people.
Couples therapy can also be really helpful, at least for getting you both to a space where you can say what you need to say, with someone who's profession is mediating relationships and conflicts. I might not save things, but it will definitely help you both understand the other one more.
There's a common trap that I fall into when discussing something emotional and vulnerable like this. If I am hurt by something person B does, and I bring it up to person B, ideally we can talk about how I was hurt and why it happened and how we can do better. But, often it ends up bring about person B feeling attacked and defensive, and the conversation becomes more about catering to B's emotional reactions.
Similarly, if I do something that hurts person C, and they tell me so, I should be able to talk about it, but it's really easy to shut down, become unresponsive. It's tempting to just keep apologizing or beating up on myself, as though self-abasement will solve the problem. It doesn't; it makes it worse, and takes attention away from the original issue.
I've had one partner who was pretty squicked by any bodily fluids. It wasn't really something he could change, and while there were other reasons we broke up, my worry that on any given date I wouldn't be clean enough was a contributing factor.
I hope you're able to find a way to address this. You are strong and beautiful. You and your body should be respected.
I recommend the book Siblings without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live too. It's an easy read.
http://www.amazon.com/Siblings-Without-Rivalry-Children-Together/dp/0393342212/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1414118779&sr=1-1&keywords=siblings+without+rivalry
it sounds like she's lost interest in you, and the best thing to do is to move on, ie: stop contacting her. sux, I know.
learning how to build good relationships and how to read the situation comes with time & experience (I also knew nothing at 18), but there are books that can upgrade your best practices. one good one (by a woman who I believe is now divorced & remarried a half-dozen times) is "Are you the one for me?". let Barbara deAngelis teach you as you read between the lines from her many, many experiences =)
http://www.amazon.com/Are-You-One-Me-Avoiding/dp/0440215757
	
	
	
Parent Effectiveness Training:
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>Parent Effectiveness Training (P.E.T.) is a parent education program based on the Gordon Model by Thomas Gordon. Dr. Gordon taught the first P.E.T. course in 1962 and the courses proved to be so popular with parents that he began training instructors throughout the United States to teach it in their communities. Over the next several years, the course spread to all 50 states. In 1970, Dr. Gordon wrote the "Parent Effectiveness Training (P.E.T.)" book which gave many more parents access to this new parenting philosophy. As a result, people in many parts of the world became interested in making the course available in their countries. The book became a best-seller and was updated in 2000 revised book.
>
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^Interesting: ^Thomas ^Gordon ^(psychologist) ^| ^Parenting ^| ^Parent ^education ^program ^| ^I-message
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This is exactly what I thought - most of it is "Parental Effectiveness Training", except for the stuff about appearance.
You could replace the stuff about "appearance", insert "performance" and get great advice for raising boys IMO.
Yes.
There are much better way to be an effective parent and have a relationship with your son that is enjoyable to both, and end up with a son that is responsible. Although at this point in the relationship, and with the mentality of you and your husband, it's unlikely that you will change enough and it will only get worse till your son is financially independent enough to leave. If you actually don't give a shit about how your son is ignoring you, then this day can't come soon enough for him.
Read this if you want some advice on being a more capable parent.
I wish your son the best.
I highly recommend reading Between Parent and Child
It will give you wonderful information about communicating with your child. I reread it often.
From the jacket:
• Discipline without threats, bribes, sarcasm, and punishment
• Criticize without demeaning, praise without judging, and express anger without hurting
• Acknowledge rather than argue with children’s feelings, perceptions, and opinions
• Respond so that children will learn to trust and develop self-confidence
I'm not a scientist, but I'm interested in approachable scientific information about child development, and more specifically what I can do to create the best environment and family life for my child's emotional and intellectual development. Here are a few resources that have come up for me:
-Dept of Public Health: there are many resources available from our state public health department. Check if your state has one, or check out ours in WA (the "Watch Me Grow" Series offers month by month developmental information and milestone tracking, and there is information on feeding, testing, vaccines, etc as well: http://www.doh.wa.gov/Publications/PregnancyInfantsandChildren)
-Research Universities: we hooked up with a local research university for inclusion in their developmental studies through the department of learning and brain science. It has been invaluable to our understanding how parents can increase their child's exposure to language, and includes 1:1 coaching, free resources and toys/books, and group sessions with a child development expert, which they pay us to attend.
-A friend who is a speech pathologist recommended reading "Beyond Baby Talk" (https://www.amazon.com/Beyond-Baby-Talk-Development-Caregivers/dp/0307952282), for a more in depth look at what is happening with your child's expressive language development and how you can stimulate it.
-A relative that spent 30 years working with children with emotional issues recommended "Between Parent and Child" (https://www.amazon.com/Between-Parent-Child-Revolutionized-Communication/dp/0609809881#productDescription_secondary_view_div_1486152167250) for practical guidance on how you can affect your child's emotional development. It attempts to really get inside the head of a child and answer their true questions, which aren't necessarily the ones they ask.
I was in your shoes, only it sounds like you may have more time than I did. While you have time, if you want to save your marriage, stop whatever it is that you're doing. Whatever it is, it obviously hasn't been working. I read a book that I thought was pretty useful - https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0684873257/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o00_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1
It was too late for me, but it might help you.
"I'm lonely whenever you're around" is the chorus of a song that I love. Whenever this song starts playing in my head, I know that I have to encourage conversation with my partner. Listen to the lyrics. It's such a powerful song that might resonate with what you're feeling.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-S1-or1f-lY
The book, Communication Miracles For Couples was great for me to read. I read it with my partner so that we could both participate in improving our communication.
https://www.amazon.com/Communication-Miracles-Couples-Effective-Conflict/dp/1573245836
One thing that was misleading to me was understanding if Alex was primary or secondary. It's a whole different world of experience: I first assumed that Alex was primary because I had the physiological traces of it (fronto temporal left arachnoid cyst) but a few years later I finally admitted to myself that I had secondary Alex due to traumatizing experiences in childhood.
What I found now is that I can experience emotions if I work on the the trauma, if I break through using tools like meditations, drugs, therapy. I do not know is the cause of your Alexithymia but I found that through the years I was able to work with my partners in a way that worked, it required a level of vulnerability and communication that while it is possible might not work for everyone.
You are doing good work, read the book, understand what Alex is and try to understand what causes it. For relationships, a great book that helped me in my couple communication was Communication Miracles for Couples: Easy and Effective Tools to Create More Love and Less Conflict
The Anatomy of Peace
Absolutely life changing. The book is about seeing people as people rather than as objects. Seems simple enough, but I promise you it will open your eyes to a whole new way of seeing people and interacting with them.
There's actually a sequel called Leadership and Self-Deception with goes a bit deeper into the concepts covered in the first and how to resolve them.
Both are not books you want to skip if you ever deal with people in any way, ever.
You can go to war without demonifying the enemy. You can go to war at peace. There are lots of screw up on both sides - no side is justified in any of the individual atrocities they have committed. There is no remorse over bloodshed of the women and children. The 'attack warnings' are a mere 16 seconds ... that is no way to fight and win a war justly.
Please read the anatomy of peace http://www.amazon.com/The-Anatomy-Peace-Resolving-Conflict/dp/1576755843
> TL;DR friends stood me up
This quote stands out for me:
> I got engaged last fall to this wonderful man. I'm crazy about him, and he's my best friend.
Maybe your friends are acting socially (unconscious, not as individuals) to punish you?
"When we ask men who their best friend is, most will identify their wives. When women are asked the same question, they usually name other women." ~Opening sentence of In the company of Women: Indirect Agression Among Women: Why We Hurt Each Other and How to Stop http://www.amazon.com/Company-Women-Indirect-Aggression-Among/dp/1585422231
The Lost Art of Listening, Second Edition: How Learning to Listen Can Improve Relationships https://www.amazon.com/dp/1593859864/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_9jC3CbZMQ7K41
I've listened through twice, am reading through again, and have recommended it to many who are equally entralled with the practical information and advice.
I hope that it is not presumptuous of me to suggest reading a book. But I found The Lost Art of Listening helpful in my relationships.
I learned that listening to someone is a skill. You're not born with it, but you can learn it and practice improves it.
I used to be a pastor and I worked briefly as a hospital chaplain, so I sat with suffering people a lot. It helped me learn to shut up and listen and say things that are helpful. If I were in your shoes, I'd make an appointment with a pastor or a counselor and ask, "Teach me how to listen and speak appropriately with people who are in emotional turmoil." These are trained professionals in precisely that field.
YTA, Leave it alone. If it had happened a LOT, or over the course of a long time, or was very recent, or they were having a lot of current marital problems, then maybe you should tell. Or more specifically you would tell him he needs to confess or you will tell. Always give the cheater a chance to confess.
At this point, years later, a one time mistake like this should just be left alone.
I would suggest to him that he read this book: NOT Just Friends
What he got himself into is a common trap these days, and it could happen again if he doesn’t take precautions.
I don't know if this is what you are looking for or more of something like this...?
That could be good advice, or it could be astonishingly bad advice. And the question gives us no way to determine which.
Here's the big question we need to know: Do you want out of the marriage, or do you want her back?
Either way, I wouldn't lawyer up or take any other hostile action unless she does so first. A lawyer's job is to win the battle by legal standards. This is often the precise opposite of getting you what you want in the long run.
If you want the marriage to end, try to negotiate a settlement that helps you both without lawyers if possible. You can always bring them in later if you have to.
If you want her back, try to remain calm, resist anger, despair, or other emotions that will cloud your head, and read Michele Weiner-Davis's The Divorce Remedy.
Why does it automatically have to be internalized misogyny? I am currently reading In the Company of Women, and the early chapters were heavily focused on the ways women mistreat each other in the work place. Some excerpts:
Page 1: "Without fail, in our twenty years of conducting conferences and workshops about gender differences in business, almost every participant we've encountered has acknowledged that women damage other women’s career aspirations.”
Page 3: “For her part, Susan, a health care executive and a leadership development consultant, found that after each leadership workshop she led, both male and female managers would quietly come up to her and admit something along the lines of: ‘All this leadership material is interesting, but my main problems are with the women who work with/for me.’ The men felt helpless about conflicts among their female employees, labeling these problems “catfights.’”
Page 5: As a result of our years of research, we can say that relationships among women often polarize at two extremes: either they’re truly wonderful or they’re quite terrible. There is little inbetween”
Also on Page 5: “The incontrovertible truth we found is that when women work together, they often experience conflict with one another – a phenomenon that is referred to most often by men as a ‘catfight.’”
Page 9: A quote by Barbra Streisand: “‘What I’ve done, going into a man’s world, was tough,’ she admitted. ‘You get attacked, but mostly by women. That’s the irony. I’ve found that women are the most competitive and vitriolic [people]. The worst reviews I’ve gotten were from women…When they’re out to get you. They’re out to get you.’”
Bolded for emphasis
Page 10: “ In our long quest for equality. Many women understandably don’t want to go down a path that implies that there’s a difference between men and women at work. In this postfeminist society we’d like to think we’re all the same—but we’re not. Due to our biological heritage and social learning, males and females actually grow up in distinct cultures.”
Also on Page 10: “ The problem of female – to – female conflict has never been addressed before, and without such external validation, it can feel as if you’re struggling with a personal failing rather than a cultural dynamic. But when we raise the subject in all-female groups, the women laugh (and groan) in recognition and are eager to embrace the issue. In mixed company however, the squirm factor is almost palpable. Females in the room seem shocked that we would even mention such a forbidden topic around men. They certainly don’t open up and share.”
I could quote insights and experiences from this book all day, but that’s already a ton of food for thought. I highly recommend checking the book out. Anyway, I just wanted to offer up the notion that maybe misogyny isn’t the impetus for this individual’s advice, but rather her personal experience.