(Part 2) Best family relationship books according to redditors

A fair assessment.

Other explanations include:

1.The decline of the two-parent family, for instance, is almost certainly depressing life satisfaction for the women stuck raising kids alone.

• Before 1970, most unmarried mothers were teenagers. But in recent years the birthrate among unmarried women in their 20s and 30s has soared — rising 34 percent since 2002, for example, in women ages 30 to 34. In 2007, women in their 20s had 60 percent of all babies born out of wedlock, teenagers had 23 percent and women 30 and older had 17 percent.
  
  
• Much of the increase in unmarried births has occurred among parents who are living together but are not married, cohabitation arrangements that tend to be less stable than marriages, studies show.(source)
  
  
  **2.**"The Second SHift"
  
  
• In this landmark study, sociologist Arlie Hochschild takes us into the homes of two-career parents to observe what really goes on at the end of the "work day." Overwhelmingly, she discovers, it's the working mother who takes on the second shift. (source)
  
  
  
  
  This NYTIMES column provides more insight
  
  Liberated and Unhappy

If you're seriously interested in this subject, I highly recommend this book: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0520274067?pc_redir=1410758834&robot_redir=1

It's called Doing the Best I Can: Fatherhood in the Inner City. The authors are a married couple, two scholars of intergenerational poverty at Harvard who moved to Camden, NJ in an attempt to essentially answer your question by living among (serial) single parents and hearing their stories.

The gist is that a significant number of low-income men and women in urban areas simply don't see a reason to avoid having kids. They don't necessarily set out to have kids, but if it happens, it happens. This seems astoundingly irresponsible to a lot of people, and in many ways that's certainly true.

Yet it's not completely irrational. These young people grow up in broken communities. Their parents are absent, or incompetent (mental illness, drug addiction, etc.), or simply overwhelmed. The schools are in disarray. Jobs are scarce, let alone good-paying ones. Are there paths out? Sure. But a lot of kids don't see them, or think themselves capable of them.

So they don't expect to get fulfillment from education or employment. What else is there? Raising a child. It's a way, perhaps the way, to make your life matter. Plus, as another book by the same authors explores, young black women are not inclined to wait around for the perfect man to have a kid, simply because so many of the men of their generation are unemployed or in jail or otherwise not marriage material.

Add it all together and you get a culture where having kids at a young age out of wedlock is something of the norm. Multiple kids with multiple partners is common, because if women want to have more than one child, that's often the only option they have.

And, heartbreakingly, these young men want to be good fathers, they just have no idea how. So they have their first kid at, say, 19, completely unprepared for what they're getting into. Then say they lose their job and can't provide, or get into legal trouble, or have a falling-out with the mother. All of a sudden, they're cut out of their child's life, getting time/visits entirely at the mother's discretion.

Don't worry, these guys are painfully aware that this isolation is largely self-inflicted. But they still have a desire (like most people), to be a parent. So with their next girlfriend, they tell themselves that this time will be different. And they mean it! And hey, sometimes they can get it together. Lost in the single-parenthood statistics are the surprisingly high percentages of fathers who remain active presences in their child's lives, they just don't cohabitate with them.

Anyway, I don't know how much of this applies to AP. 7 kids is still pretty crazy regardless of your background. And obviously he has a lot of money now, but I'd bet that his experiences growing up (though I think it was more rural?) were not dissimilar to what Edin and Nelson describe.

(I should note that this phenomenon happens in other communities as well, of course, but this book is interested in black urban single parenthood specifically.)

Heart disease isn't the death sentence it used to be. A 4 way bypass is a new lease on life as long as he takes it seriously and focuses on his health, diet and exercise. Gave my dad an additional 20 years and he was unstoppable.

The Leukemia is the shitter, I am sorry. The best you can do for that situation is be very cognizant of her pain, and keep on top of her treatment. Make the time to spend the time. You will always be glad you did.

One of the things I have always done with my family members who were older and have since passed on, is make a video history with them. I kind of consider it my job.

Get this book

https://www.amazon.com/Our-Childrens-Children-Preserving-Generations/dp/0385467974

It gives you an outline.

I am sure to upload every video to the cloud and send it to every family member. I swear to you, I have been doing this for the last 50 years, and the increadable family stories, and history I have chronicled is amazing. Family members have even played some of the edited portions during important family events, and the children have been able to "meet" relatives who have passed.

I am doing this right now with my mother who was diagnosed with lung cancer. It is the best part of our day.

Good Luck to you.

A part of feminism has always been about making having a baby be a choice for a woman rather than a requirement, but if that comes across as ignoring the plight of mothers, well, that's not intentional. For me personally the fact that women have taken on both the burdens of being a "provider" and taking care of children and housework is a big deal to me. I don't know if this counts as feminist, but this idea has been studied in detail.

This is entirely guessing, but there is a good chance that if she hadn't quit her job the woman in the op's comment would have been doing both engineering and child care, without that much help from the husband. That's extremely common, and sucks.

Part IV

Are mothers' issues really invisible?

Mothers' issues lack visibility in mainstream society as a feminist question, and within feminism... almost completely.

1. In society at large: The framing of mothers' issues in mainstream media is usually as "motherhood VERSUS feminism." Consider that in April 2012, NYT hosted a debate between prominent moms using exactly such a title. The media constantly pits feminism and motherhood as two opposing choices, mutually exclusive. That feminists are all about conquering the male domain, and "real women" know that's hurts women, because women are meant to be mothers. (See how insiduous that is!) That feminism promised women the whole world but failed to deliver because women want to be mothers and not icky manly feminists. That mothers must hate feminism and feminists must hate mothers, and the two groups' goals are wildly disparate. This mistake leads to a lot of antifeminism in mainstream society: if feminism is seen to be at odds with mothers, and most women are mothers, doesn't that mean feminism isn't really a movement for women at all? It also hurts mothers terribly, because as long as feminism is out of their reach and not in their corner, they are stuck within the patriarchy with no toold to fight it.
   
   
2. And feminists have fallen for that lie. Mainstream feminism seems a little blind to mothers' issues. Since mothers are so systematically denied voice and power everywhere, the ranks of feminists are filled with NONmothers even though the most women themselves are mothers - similar to how the ranks of feminism are filled with white, cis, middle-class, able-bodied women. This contributes to the invisibility of mother's issues in feminism. So for instance, the fact that the wage gap is mostly a motherhood penalty goes unrecognized; feminists keep talking about it as if it's just a "gender gap" (which it is not, for most part) - this hurts feminists because it's so easily refuted, and nothing gets fixed. "Reproductive choice" is reduced in feminist discourse to "the choice to not have children" only because the people setting the feminist agenda tend to be nonmothers - when really, should we not be examining to an equal or greater extent the other side of the abortion/contraception coin, the choice to BECOME a mother, and what happens to mothers in our society? Mainstream feminism also is home to a lot of old-guard second-wavers who, despite being seriously kickass in general, tend to speak about feminist motherhood in rather negative terms, essentially warning women not to get into, or 'too far' into, mothering because then you're hurting yourself and hurting feminism. Such hostility from feminists to motherhood is not new. The fact is that from the time Betty Freidan described The Problem With No Name, all domestic work and motherhood in patricular has become low-status work in feminist circles, as it has always been in the patriarchal world.
   
   So when it comes to mothers, our choices are too often between "individual women's rights but let's ignore mothers because they hurt feminism/they are too complicated/they invited oppression by choice/they're not really oppressed" and "all women must be mothers to put them in their place, and all mothers must be embodiments of angelic nurturing self-sacrificing womanhood". BOTH these positions buy into patriarchy and strengthen it.
   
   ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
   
   Where Mothers' Issues Stand Today
   
   The mother-centered feminist movement is growing, but slowly. Blogs like Blue Milk, activist groups like MomsRising, and even some traditional media outlets are starting to get the ball rolling in the right direction for once (remember that article in The Atlantic about "Why Women Still Can't Have It All" and the many thoughtful responses to it? That was AWESOME).
   
   
   What feminism can/should do for moms:
   
   

• paid maternity AND paternity leave (it's important to get dads to shoulder their fair share of unpaid motherwork, also important not to give employers any reason to discriminate against women/mothers)
  
  
• socialized daycare (if we can pay taxes to fund armies, we can pay taxes to fund childcare, freeing up mothers to participate in paid work without worrying about childcare costs)
  
  
• recognition for caregiving work: retirement account supplementation and maybe even a stipend for all unpaid caregivers
  
  
• parent-centered approach to child-rearing: fighting for the right of parents to BE parents as well as gain respect from it - this will mean fighting capitalist structures in addition to patriarchal structures
  
  
  
  
  My plea is basically, MOAR PLEASE. Let's keep the momentum going. In particular, let's focus more attention on mothers' issues on the big online feminist sites which have become the loudest voices for feminism in our generation.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
  
  THE END
  
  
  Links to all parts of this essay:
  
  
• Introduction & Dealing with Objections
  
  
• Part II: Capitalist Oppression Faced by Mothers (& continued in Part IIb)
  
  
• Part III: Education Discrimination, Limited Access to Public Spaces, Disempowerment Within the Home, and Vilification of Mothers in Maintream Culture
  
  
• Part IV: Are Mothers Issues Really Invisible? and Where Mothers' Issues Stand Today
  
  
  

There are literally entire books on the subject.

I was going off memory from the national center of women and policing which talks about this but is a bit dated on it's information. I suggest reading the book as it's the most up to date version.

Finally while link digging I found this article.

Which is chock full of links to various news organizations and associated articles.

Highly suggest the book btw. It's previous version was a chilling read. I can only imagine the 2017 with updated information would be more so.

heres some quotes from leading feminists

>"The nuclear family must be destroyed... Whatever its ultimate meaning, the break-up of families now is an objectively revolutionary process." -- Linda Gordon

"Being a housewife is an illegitimate profession... The choice to serve and be protected and plan towards being a family-maker is a choice that shouldn't be. The heart of radical feminism is to change that." -- Vivian Gornick, feminist author, University of Illinois

"We can't destroy the inequities between men and women until we destroy marriage." -- Robin Morgan

"Marriage as an institution developed from rape as a practice." -- Andrea Dworkin

“In a patriarchal society, all heterosexual intercourse is rape because women, as a group, are not strong enough to give meaningful consent.” — Catherine MacKinnon

"All sexual intercourse even consensual between a married couple, is an act of violence perpetrated against a woman." -- Catherine MacKinnon

"It is clear that the women's movement must concentrate on attacking this marriage. Freedom for women cannot be won without the abolition of that institution." -- Sheila Cronin

"In order to raise children with equality, we must take them away from families and communally raise them" (Dr. Mary Jo Bane, feminist and assistant professor of education at Wellesley College, and associate director of the school's Center for Research on Woman).

"The end of the institution of marriage is a necessary condition for the liberation of women. Therefore it is important for us to encourage women to leave their husbands and not to live individually with men.... All of history must be re-written in terms of oppression of women. (from "The Declaration of Feminism," November, 1971).


An example of an entire book the the issue

Sarrah Le Marquand: It should be illegal to be a stay-at-home mum
Article talking about the juggle between motherhood and working saying its unequal. IMO very flawed arguments about "equality" in the family dynamic.

Joy byrant choosing her career over motherhood, which is all good

The vitriol and tone of this one is off putting

The good works and movement of feminism are dying. Choice? what year is this. A woman can go into any career shes interested in if she works hard (everyone needs to work hard to excel). many options of contraception, and an alarming rate of abortions increasing as well. what is not a choice nowadays? A woman wants to work? Do it, excel, improve the world. but there has to be a realization woman have an amazing magical superpower that brings new life into the world, and should be treasured. Theres even a separation within the groups now, just look at the prolife women being kicked out of the women march. This is not all women, but its growing and turning into something else.

This is nothing new and has been growing for years.

It sounds like you could stand to use some family counseling. You need it, your teen needs it, and it sounds like your wife could need it too.

You say nothing in regard to your wife here, really, but I know many Catholic couples who swear by Retrouvaille as having saved their marriage.

Also recommend he book [Primal Loss](Primal Loss: The Now-Adult Children of Divorce Speak https://www.amazon.com/dp/0997989319/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_3QwrzbJZ3FE9Z) which is now adult children who speak out on the trauma that divorce was to them.

When you agreed to marriage, you agreed to good times and bad. Excluding abuse and enduring unfaithfulness, I think it's best to try and honor that vow, because the damage it does long term to your soul and those of your family isn't worth it. Marriage has seasons. It isn't always good. Sometimes for long stretches it isn't good. But continued prayer and efforts to make it work can help. And your child will be probably inspired by your commitment to your wife and family when you make an obvious and concerted effort to save this marriage. She will ultimately thank you.


Though many Catholics treat divorce as neutral and only remarriage as an issue, divorce is still sinful. When you take a vow before God or in God's name, breaking that vow is a mortal sin. That said, sometimes it's not the fault of one spouse, and sometimes situations necessitate divorce. As you haven't stated anything which indicates necessity (abuse or constant cheating) I would caution you against filing without at least attempting opening up better communication (via counseling, retreat, spiritual direction, etc.)

I really liked Your Baby's First Year Week By Week, it's (mostly) not scary, includes games and activities for development, and is easy to read.

There's a book by Wednesday Martin about being a step mother, which talks about some of the issues you are facing. Obviously, she's writing from the female perspective but it sounds like some of the issues are the same for step fathers. You might give it a read.

https://www.amazon.com/Stepmonster-Look-Real-Stepmothers-Think/dp/1517071380/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1474679527&sr=8-3&keywords=wednesday+martin

Actually, that was a bit unkind. I remember what it was like to be a kid and dream big. By way of apology, I'd like to recommend some books to you:

https://www.amazon.com/Dove-Robin-L-Graham-ebook/dp/B0089LOFX0/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1473462196&sr=1-1#nav-subnav

https://www.amazon.com/Sailing-Alone-Around-Joshua-Slocum-ebook/dp/B00CTOKB8G/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1473462104&sr=1-3

https://www.amazon.com/My-Old-Man-Sea-Father/dp/0060976969

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0026772N8/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1#nav-subnav

https://www.amazon.com/Years-Before-Mast-Richard-Henry/dp/149224936X/ref=tmm_pap_title_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

https://www.amazon.com/Moby-Dick-Bantam-Classics-Herman-Melville/dp/0553213113

https://www.amazon.com/Master-Commander-Aubrey-Maturin-Novels-ebook/dp/B006C3Q6GG/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1473462069&sr=1-1

Thank you, u/Aragorns-Wifey!

u/wodemajia it sounds like you're in a really hard spot because he doesn't even want to try (I mean, threatening to abandon the kids just because you want him to say "I love you" more? Good lord.). And I presume he won't go to counseling because it "costs money", right? Maybe the only thing left is to suggest small easy improvements and (hopefully) build up over time. But keep trying.

Before you decide, though, take a look at this book so you'll at least be prepared to support your kids through the loss. Children of divorce are silenced to a terrible degree, thus the need for a book like this.

A very comprehensive article that makes a strong case for introspective criticism within organizations and communities. The sexism within anti-racist (BPP) organizing, and the racist deflection of sexism concerns (Luft) make it clear that privilege must continually be checked.

Related: The Revolution Starts at Home: Intimate Violence Within Activist Communities

Are there grandparents classes offered at your local hospital? Ours offered them to keep grandparents up to date on new guidelines. Or maybe get her a book like this one? https://www.amazon.com/Todays-Grandmother-changed-how-grandmother/dp/0991939409/ref=sr_1_13?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1526655313&sr=1-13&keywords=grandparents+book

Two things helped me. One is a book I've referred to often over the years called Siblings without Rivalry.


The other is to focus on encouraging her relationship with her little brother. "Wow, you are such a great big sister! Can you help me feed the baby? You are so great with him. Can you get him a new diaper? I don't know how I would do this without you. Thank goodness he has you for a big sister. He's so lucky to have you. You're probably the best big sister in the world. Oh, it looks like he wants his big sister to help get ready to go! Can you get his blanket?" You know, things like that. Help her feel needed and proud of her role. Even when someone meets the new baby you can interject with, "Yeah, and he's so lucky because he has the best big sister ever!"

95% of women dont regret their abortions

Not everyone wants children and women do regret becoming mothers

https://www.amazon.com/Regretting-Motherhood-Study-Orna-Donath/dp/1623171377

So basically, your MIL is caught in the Cycle of Abuse, which does not have to include any physical violence.

It may be time to expose her to this chart when she is telling you that she is leaving him. It may also be time to contact local DV resources and see what they can offer.

On average, an abused woman (even when it is "just" emotional, or financial, or sexual abuse) tries 7 times to leave. What you are witnessing is the normal trajectory of these relationships. I recently saw a reliable blog on domestic violence recommend this book, which I have not read. But, it sounds like it would help both you and your husband better understand her situation.

As far as the sailing went I really liked My Old Man and the Sea.
https://www.amazon.com/My-Old-Man-Sea-Father/dp/0060976969/ref=nodl_

A couple of thoughts:

1. Quit telling her that she's doing a good job. Tell her instead "you're working hard at that." For a gifted toddler, their vision of what they want will never ever be as good as they can create. You want her to learn that it's about the process, not the product. You really want to avoid praising her for being "smart" (and having others do the same) when she starts school. Read Carol Dweck's work on growth mindset: https://www.mindsetworks.com/parents/default\
   
2. Figure out YOUR boundaries and then when you set them, be firm. Smart kids who can win arguments with you as toddlers NEED clear boundaries that you enforce no matter how hard they tantrum. Like typical 2-5 year olds, they're trying to figure out how the world works. If it works differently on different days or differently if they tantrum vs. not, then they are very unsettled and the unknown makes the world a scary place. I recommend Mary Sheedy Kurcinka's book: Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles. Stanley Greenspan's The Challenging Child also helped me a lot.
   
   1. If dad says no story until something is tidied away and she says "mum can read the book," then your reply is "You need to tidy that away before anyone reads to you." Let the ensuing tantrum happen (see below).
      
   2. For the light example, I'd say "you're right, that one doesn't hurt. What's the difference? Can you always tell the difference? That's why we have to be careful." Not everyone bit of her "defiance" is true defiance. She's trying to figure out the boundaries of her world. She's two and so she's still very very literal. (When my son was two, I told him that all cars had exhaust pipes. He had to check each car we saw for the next week.)
      
3. Give up trying to avoid distress. Instead focus on helping her cope with her distress. I, too, have a super bright, emotionally intense daughter who's now beyond early childhood. She feels deeply, she's easily frustrated, and she has experienced more negative emotions than many other children. I don't want her to feel less, because that's part of who she is. She feels passionately about social justice and is now finally in a position to begin to work with organizations to effect this change.
   
4. Teach your daughter (a) that negative emotions can be withstood and (b) they are not the end of the world. You have to figure out what helps her when she's in distress. For one of my kids, I needed to back off and leave him alone because ANYTHING I did overstimulated him. When he calmed down on his own, we could cuddle and talk. For another, I need to be there to help her calm down (even now as a teen). I would lay down with her on the bed and hum very softly while she sobbed. For helping kids recognize emotions and deal with them, I recommend Dan Siegel's work: The Whole Brain Child and How to Talk So Kids Will Listen by Faber and Mazlish.

http://www.amazon.com/Positive-Parenting-Action-Principles-Childhood/dp/1490413588/ref=pd_sim_b_4

Buy this book: https://www.amazon.com/Rape-Innocence-genital-mutilation-circumcision/dp/187841111X

It will help you understand and deal with the trauma.

I am not a Christian, but heard about this book recently: https://www.amazon.com/Christians-Guide-Contact-Relationships-Narcissistic/dp/1546336664
Maybe it can help?

You're wonderful. I'm a single mom and it's tough, I wish you all the luck. Some books I've found- based in the age of her kids.

Honest toddler:
http://www.amazon.com/The-Honest-Toddler-Childs-Parenting/dp/1476734771

Toddlers are A**holes:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0990592898/ref=pd_aw_fbt_b_img_2?refRID=143CABN3JSCS68Q317QX

Single mothers survival guide:
http://www.amazon.com/The-Single-Mothers-Survival-Guide/dp/1580910637

One more:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0595397522/ref=pd_aw_sbs_2?pi=SL500_SY115&simLd=1

Is this going to be anonymous? If not, ask to borrow her car one day. Say yours is in the shop. Fill it up with gas, wash it, change the oil, whatever you can afford to do.

If she has things on layaway, go pay them off.

These are mostly all monetary things, I know, but it sounds like she may be struggling a bit on that end.

Nominate her or put her name in for draws, raffles, anything. I know the radio stations here sometimes have a week where you can nominate someone awesome for whatever. This could be a good way to do things anonymously.

If you are close to the friend, you can do little things through her. Get her a gift certificate for something, have the friend say she won it and won't use it.

Good luck!!

We got my MIL this book. Have NO idea how it is. But it has pretty high ratings on Amazon so we gave it a shot!

Find the book called "how he gets into her head"

https://www.amazon.com/How-Gets-Into-Her-Head/dp/1855942208

Is wthe only professional resource I've found that describes these men from the outside, in a way that hits home.

They all claim they had a bad childhood/had ex-girlfriends cheat on them (usually both), and then they test you with a slightly over the top reactions that put you on the spot for not understanding them better, due to their past.

Most people will simply move on from them at that point. This is healthy. Figure out how to do this yourself.

Don't be the one that understands them, and sticks around.

That's how they figure out who's their next source of sadistic joy.

The vast majority that grew up in abusive homes will make sure to never replicate that toxic behaviour. Some will use it as their excuse, or even make it up in order to gain sympathy where none is due.

He's three months old. There is absolutely no way an infant of that age could possibly be tired of his mama - that's who gave him life, feeds him, rocks him to sleep.

The excitement he gets seeing other people is probably because he is beginning to recognize other faces. He remembers them and is excited that he remembers them.

My daughter is almost three and she definitely gets way more excited when she sees her dad than she is with me during the day. I realize it's because she spends 9 hours a day with me and only gets to see him for about 2 hours before she goes to bed. But it's in no way anything personal.

Infants and babies are constantly changing, growing, learning, adjusting. He will start doing something new next week, and something different the week after that. If you haven't read it yet, I actually found the book ["Baby's First Year, Month by Month"] (http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0738213721/ref=pd_lpo_k2_dp_sr_2?pf_rd_p=486539851&pf_rd_s=lpo-top-stripe-1&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_i=0553579045&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_r=0CWEA0FAV49R2STKXBM6) to be really helpful in terms of understanding my baby's development.

Hang in there!

Positive Parenting: An Essential Guide (The Positive Parent Series) https://www.amazon.com/dp/0143109227/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_MnDmDbY5NG61G

The authors of this book interviewed 'deadbeat dads', one of their findings was that:

> When the men learn that their partner is pregnant, they don’t panic, or lament all the freedom they are going to miss. On the contrary, three-quarters of the men in Edin and Nelson’s research were joyous at the news. The men are less likely than the women to want to end the pregnancy with an abortion.

They usually leave in the first year after the kid is born, well after the abortion ship has sailed. They like the idea of being a dad, but not the reality.

Right now I'm on a major jag telling people about this book *Siblings Without Rivalry* I picked it up from the library this past weekend and literally read it in one day while the kid was with grandma. It was so eye-opening to me, and it made me cry to imagine how different my relationships with my siblings would have been if my parents had read this book when we were young. This is one of the topics that the authors address. I really recommend it very highly to everyone. I know you have a little newborn so reading is not something you can do a lot of right now, but they also have an audiobook version and maybe you could swing that?


https://www.amazon.com/Siblings-Without-Rivalry-Children-Together/dp/0393024415/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=siblings+without+rivalry&qid=1549949684&s=gateway&sr=8-1

My grandparents. I found To Our Children's Children at a bookstore ages ago and thought it looked like un. It's basically a book full of questions about a person's life, childhood, school, dating, marriage, work, etc. What I did was, over the course of...a long time, I can't remember how long, I would email them three of the questions, then they could write up however much of an answer they wanted to and email it back, then I'd email the next three, and so on. Then once we had finally gone through all of the questions, I formatted them and printed them out and made a book out of the answers for each of them. It was pretty interesting. I tried getting my parents and my other grandparents to do it too, but they weren't really interested.

All of these people have obviously never had a teacher that hated them. I did, and it was awful. My middle school physics teacher singled me out because of some issue she had with my much older brother who attended the same school 10 years before me. She would pick on me in class, ask me questions about areas I struggled in and ridiculed me in front of the whole class. I hated physics (still do!), had perfect A's in everything else, and barely passed that damned class. It is possible for a teacher to be a total jerk.

You need to work on her attendance issues, and if you can, get her some therapy. Sounds like your little girl is under a lot of stress from the family situation and the school. If you make it a rule that she HAS to go to school unless she has a fever, as well as talk to her about her emotions and empathize with how she feels, maybe she'll be less likely to get sick.

I'd also talk to a doctor (maybe just a therapist/child psychologist) so you have their professional opinion to report to the teacher. If a psychologist decides that your daughter is under too much stress, and can send a note to the teacher, maybe that will shut her up about being late. I was more often late than not to school, and I never struggled with anything academic in my life (except for damn physics!).

To sum up, there's definitely something emotional and psychological going on here, and you should get professional help, as well as minimize her absences. All these people on here saying that missing 20% of first grade will ruin her life should stfu. I missed a lot of school due to serious illness (weeks at a time, with the longest absence being 3 weeks), and I was still the best student in class. A person is either smart or not. As long as she is learning to read and write, she'll be fine, just make sure this stressful situation is not permanent for her.

Oh, and read this book about managing your kid's emotions, it has excellent advice! Kids, Parents and Power Struggles

Yikes! I had never heard of this controversy (having met IOHNYC members more recently), but thanks so much for bringing it up!

The link you posted wasn't very helpful in getting an idea of what happened (as it was very much a response without much discussion), so I spent several hours reading more:

• anti-Thadeaus grievances
  
• IOHNYC's brief response
  
  IMO what a mess in need of communication and humility.
  
  I'm now more curious to read The Revolution Starts at Home.

As far as I know there have been no prosecutions in the USA either, despite thousands of women being at risk. Fun fact, some white Christians in the USA used to practice FGM:

http://www.amazon.com/Rape-Innocence-genital-mutilation-circumcision/dp/187841111X/ref=la_B004V214HQ_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1407079727&sr=1-1

First, good job mom! You choose to not physically assault your children despite how difficult it is! I recommend this book to you. Hang in there.

I didn't even say that. I said "many women only pretend to want kids for societal reasons" and that is based on this study and some articles relating to it. Besides, you calling it "wrong" and "insanely incorrect" isn't based on any proof, you even admitted it's just anecdotal evidence. Maybe you just prefer dating women who are the familial type and those who pretend to. Because, really, do you know how many told you the truth about that topic?

Hon, I think you need to check out some places like HipMama, blogs where single mothers are congregating. You're in this for the long haul, so find not only sympathy, but people who have been in exactly your place. It will help.

A lot of people like this book too - http://www.amazon.com/Single-Mothers-Survival-Guide-Other/dp/1580910637

In the meantime, take care of yourself, too. Are you in school - getting a degree or a trade? Do you have friends you can turn to?

That’s great you’re getting in touch with your gut instincts and recognize they’re there for a reason. It sounds like you’ve suppressed a lot of your true self, voice and thus anger due to your parents. For me it wasn’t until I distanced myself from my parents and started working on myself, journaling, reading books, blogs and watching videos on narcissistic abuse where I got in touch with a lot of my anger. It’s almost like you need to distance yourself first before you can start seeing anything clearly. Educating myself on narcissistic abuse helped me get angry as well.

How much in contact are you with your parents currently? Do you have a spouse that is supportive?

I don’t know specifically what will work for you but I’ll share what worked for me.

What worked for me was to go LC, VLC then eventually transition to NC (instead of NC cold turkey). VLC gave me enough distance to realize that even having minimal contact with my parents was exhausting and stressful. I still had anxiety because they were still in my life and even though it was minimal contact I could not get peace of mind.

I didn’t get in touch with my anger until about 6-7 months into VLC when I began educating myself on narcissistic abuse, reading books and blogs, etc. The distance from VLC gave me some space to be angry without backlash and reflect on my abuse (something my parents would never allow) which gave me the strength to finally go NC. It’s almost like you’re mentally chained when in contact with toxic parents and you need the distance to help break the bondage.

If you’re the scapegoat then reading about that and journaling about your own experience can help you get in touch with your anger as well. Maybe a validating therapist who is trauma trained and knows about narcissistic abuse will help you as well. Make sure they’re validating though as many therapists are not.

A couple resources that helped:

The book that started the NC journey for me was “The Christian’s Guide to No Contact.” This helped me work through my guilt (which you can imagine Christians who cut their parents out of their lives feel) tremendously. I’ve heard many non-Christian’s and atheists find the book helpful too. Here is a link to the book: The Christian's Guide to No Contact: How to End Your Relationships With Narcissistic, Psychopathic, and Abusive Family and Friends, and Still be a Good Christian https://www.amazon.com/dp/1546336664/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_41bQAbNC5Y6J7

She also has a blog “Luke 17:3 Ministries” that has helpful info on NC. It’s not visually the best but the content is pretty good http://www.luke173ministries.org/

Shahida Arabi’s blog “Self-Care Haven” and books on narcissistic abuse helped me as well. When you learn about their manipulation tactics it’s almost hard not to get angry. I enjoyed the book “Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare.”

YouTube channels like Narcissism Survivor are good too. Here’s a video on narcissistic grandparents: https://youtu.be/t7RIl4SyFP

I’m not sure what will work for you and I can’t pinpoint exactly how I got back in touch with my anger, but I hope the above resources are helpful to you. For me it really was going NC where I started finally getting my self-respect back which also gave me strength to make wiser decisions for myself instead of putting others’ needs before my own. There are a lot of lies we believe when we’re in relationship with toxic people, and separating ourselves first is sometimes the best way to see the truth.

I came here to cautiously recommend therapy. My recommendation caused strain on our relationship. It turns out guys don't want you to send constant emails about every therapist within 20 miles who sees kids... If they go to therapy and you're privy to the info, read up on the diagnosis to see how you can help them thrive! I'd also spend less time parenting and more time reading up on step/parenting. Terrible twos often bleed into the threes. Reading was incredibly therapeutic for me.

Stepmonster - popular here, I'm a fan
Single Girl's Guide - never read, well reviewed
How To Talk So Kids Will Listen
The Whole-Brain Child
Subtle Art - best book ever

I like these ones:

http://www.amazon.com/Newbies-Guide-Positive-Parenting/dp/149046364X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1409235967&sr=8-1&keywords=the+newbie's+guide+to+positive+parenting#

http://www.amazon.com/Positive-Parenting-Action-How--Principles/dp/1490413588/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1409235903&sr=8-1&keywords=positive+parenting+in+action

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B000OVLKEA/ref=mp_s_a_1_2?qid=1415501502&sr=8-2&pi=AC_SX110_SY165_QL70


Edit:

Forgot this link
http://www.triplep.net/glo-en/home/

I took some of their classes and loved them!

there's a shit ton of data showing that they are abusers:
https://www.amazon.com/Police-Wife-Epidemic-Domestic-Violence/dp/0994861761