(Part 2) Best interpersonal relations books according to redditors
We found 5,975 Reddit comments discussing the best interpersonal relations books. We ranked the 928 resulting products by number of redditors who mentioned them. Here are the products ranked 21-40. You can also go back to the previous section.
DON'T WORRY CITIZENS!
Alice Miller, "The Drama of the Gifted Child"
> WAHHHHH! BEING SMART IS HARD!
Ta-Nehisi Coates, "Between the World and Me"
>Everyone's a little bit racist
Simone De Beauvoir, "The Ethics of Ambiguity"
>Existentialist navelgazing
Albert Camus, "The Plague"
> More existentialism, but this time people die
Brene Brown, "Daring Greatly"
>What if being some sort of cuck soyboy was actually kinda badass?
Atul Gawande, "Being Mortal"
> Killing them softly, with his loving take on the role of modern medicine in death.
Ali Rivzi, "The Atheist Muslim"
>Being an edgy teenager, but on "difficult" mode
Muhammad Yunus, "A World of Three Zeroes"
>Zero Poverty, Zero Unemployment, and Zero Net Carbon Emissions... also zero sex scenes.
ETA: short, possibly misleading synopses by someone who hasn't read these books.
One way to get better at this skill is to read the book Difficult Conversations. The general outline is that there are (at least) three levels on which people hear things:
That last one is the most powerful, and therefore the post potentially dangerous. If you are trying to say "you should be more careful with your code", be careful you don't unintentionally say "you are a shitty programmer".
Another tip from How to Win Friends and Influence People is to praise in public and criticize in private. Criticizing someone publicly requires them to be humiliated or to disagree with you.
edit: here->hear
Agreed, I cringe anytime someone asks me something like this. I suck at generalities and feel like this question requires such a specific answer. Couple that with the fact that I don't do the same things from week to week, or month to month, and my mind goes reeling searching for the correct response. A million possible answers flash through my mind, and I can't decide on a specific thing that I know I'll end up discussing further, so I stammer out, "Oh not much, you?"
Edit - To all of you extroverts offering me tips and advise, I wasn't asking for any. Introverts are not broken we are just different. 30% of the world is populated with introverts. And we don't feel compelled to change. If you want to understand us, read this book
The other commenters here have had a lot of great advice, especially about you seeking external validation and being a bit over-devoted and expecting the same. It sounds a lot like you and your wife are not on the same page regarding expectations and the only thing that can fix that is communication. However, with how built-up this is for you, that is going to be very difficult. I'd really recommend you find some therapy for yourself to help arm you with tools to solve this and similar problems now and in the future.
Before you stray from your marriage or end it, you need to do some homework. See if you can get your wife reading the same things. First, read Come As You Are for a more nuanced understanding of the differences in types of sexual response patterns. Then, read Mating in Captivity for long-term relationship sparky sparks.
This is what worked for me, more than once: It's Called a Break-Up Because It's Broken. To cheer you up in the mean time: Hyperbole and a Half: God of Cake.
And as just a probably-too-soon postscript here: no man who doesn't want to be with you, for any reason, can possible be the perfect man for you. And as to feeling complete with an SO, I stopped getting crushed by break-ups (though they always hurt) after I started to look into being complete on my own. This, for me, was a big change, but it doesn't have to be. I followed all my dreams: to get in shape and be stylish and beautiful, to be a writer, a dancer, to get my PhD in Biology. I also worked on myself as a person so that I learned to take more risks, not to fear information or stay willfully ignorant, tried to be empathic and kind to people who were suffering even if I didn't understand it completely, and try to live with as little bitterness and judgement of others as possible. I learned how to forgive without an apology, to have conflict without fighting, to stop talking all the time and listen more.
I have been with my partner now for 5 years, we are both 40 and no spring chickens. I love him madly, and know he is a special man for me, and we have a relationship that can never be duplicated. But with all that, even though I know a break-up would be really hard for me, even with all the time behind us, our ages, and the life we've built together, I know I would make it if things had to end. I am my complete self with him and without him. I love him, but he is my partner not my other half and not my identity.
Wow, that got long, all I meant to do was recommend the book! Sorry for all the too-soon advice, I went someplace weird inside myself, your post clearly touched me a great deal.
OK, now for some more appropriate advice. Go easy on yourself and take it day by day. Do not turn people away who want to support you, accept it -- you deserve it. Be kind to yourself the same way you would a friend in your situation: do things that are good for you, but not self-destructive (e.g. two bowls of ice cream is a special treat, two gallons might have you hating yourself; sleeping late is indulgent, staying in bed all day....probably not the best idea). Cry! Cry A LOT! It's good for you and totally appropriate. Don't keep trying to force yourself to look into (anything but the very near) future. You really can only be reasonably sure of what will happen this week, so there's no telling what will be going on months from now. Call all your besties back home and whine and complain all you want, this is your big chance! You deserve it. Good luck, hon, and all the best.
I'm currently reading a book called Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking. Fantastic book, well worth the fifteen or so bucks.
I hope you one day get the chance to realize your dream :)
My hobby since I was 12 or so has been computer programming, and I am very fortunate to have become quite good at it, so I work remotely a couple days a week and make enough money to fund my travels. I think I had about $3000 in the bank when I left, as a buffer to get me started.
I had been dreaming about traveling for the last two years as a college undergraduate, and there were a certainly a couple "f it I'm going," moments. One was when I posted a curb alert on Craigslist and gave away all the stuff I couldn't keep in the corner of my parents attic. That night I was sitting my empty house having a beer and thought, "well, I guess I'm committed now." The second was buying a plane ticket. I procrastinated on that for some reason, perhaps because I was overthinking where I would start. Once I dropped $500 on my flight to Madrid through statravel.com (great website btw for super cheap flights if you're a student), that's when it became real.
I mainly use hostelbookers.com or hostelworld.com for recommendations, as well as suggestions from fellow travelers and hostel staff. Tripadvisor.com is pretty good too but I think that tends to cater more to a non-backpacker crowd.
Random unsolicited advice:
Use a small hiking backpack (something like 30-35 liters), and a smaller handbag to carry all your stuff. You want to be able to carry all your luggage on an airplane and not have to check anything. This messenger bag is great for your valuables.
Get a small combination padlock for hostel lockers.
If you decide to go, I wouldn't rush to buy a Eurorail pass. I'm sure it's helpful to some people, but I haven't actually met a single person yet who has one. Backpackers these days tend to be more serendipitous with transportation, either using skyscanner.net for budget airlines (I flew from Seville to Barcelona for something like 30 euros on Ryanair, but make sure if you use carry-on that it matches their size/weight guidelines or you will pay a 50 euro fee. One trick is to take a bunch of clothes out of your bag and wear them all at once, but you feel like the Michelin Man and sweat a lot), buses, or BlaBlaCar is very popular these days.
Try local beer everywhere you go.
Keep a journal on you all day and jot down random thoughts, things you do, etc.
Get a decent camera. Don't be like me and think your smart phone will cut it (how I took this picture). Now I'm actually trying to find a camera to buy. I want a used Canon Powershot G11/G12/G13 or something and haven't found anything yet in former Yugoslavia.
Be social, get out of your comfort zone, hang out in hostel lounges, and participate in their events. Speaking of which, try to find smaller, more intimate hostels, even if you want to party. Everybody staying in a hostel likes to party, and smaller places actually offer better chances to meet more people.
One piece of unconventional advice, this is something I alluded to in another comment. Solo travel can either be a wonderful opportunity to learn to love yourself, or you could set yourself up to be lonely and depressed. I recommend this book, which uses cognitive behavioral therapy to treat loneliness, help you to love yourself, and become a more attractive person (it's tailored more towards dating but is actually very beneficial even to people already in relationships). When you travel by yourself, you're somewhat in a vacuum and can experiment with core personality traits, and doing so with the help of scientifically-proven therapeutic techniques is so powerful.
If you're going for a while, you might consider exercising. I carry a set of resistance bands around with me and do weightlifting 3 times a week, modeled loosely around p90x. Day 1: back (pullups) and biceps (curls), Day 2: chest (resistance pushups), shoulders (resistance overhead press), and triceps (resistance tricep extension), Day 3: legs (resistance squats or lunges) and back (resistance deadlifts and pullups). About 16-24 sets each day, alternating your body parts after each set.
There's so much advice I could give, but the first half of this book goes pretty in depth into everything (the second half briefly goes into specific advice for different countries). Rick Steves is an authority on traveling Europe, but he tends to cater more towards the older hotel crowd, so I would get Lonely Planet Guidebooks specific to any region you're traveling.
I hope some of that massive brain dump was helpful :)
Edit: one more thing. Get an unlocked smart phone and buy sim cards wherever you go. You can get them everywhere, they cost just a few euros, and let you use several hundred megabytes or a few gigabytes of data, which is super useful for google maps and looking up random stuff while walking around.
Edit 2: For completeness, as someone mentioned below, rome2rio.com is another great website everyone uses to find transportation
It's not exactly the same thing, but I feel like this phenomenon is related to the one discussed in Jon Ronson's book So You've Been Publicly Shamed. I think it's a real problem of our age, and it seems like the amount of damage it is causing -- not just on the personal level for those people who've had the internet hate machine pointed at them, but for its chilling effect on discourse in general -- is underappreciated, or at least under-discussed.
​
I don't think most people would have chosen to live in a world where a single mistaken comment online or the expression of a "bad" opinion can lead to loss of employment, social ostracism, and death threats. Yet here we are. It feels somewhat like a Malthusian trap of the comments section.
​
Edit: Disclaimer, that book is a pretty stressful read. At least, it was for me. Don't get me wrong, I think it's important and well executed, but the subject matter is stressful.
If anything, the hive mind of twitter/reddit/any personalised media ever scares the shit out of me. Imagine you do/say something a little stupid and it becomes trending. Tens of thousands of people will start to shame you! I can't take criticism from one person! Imagine how it would feel to not only feel hated by everyone ever and dragged into the spotlight against your will, but also to have future employers able to see that one bad or misconstrued joke.
Also, the role of journalists has consistently kept government honest and people still want to hear the opinions of people who have the time and money to research stuff for them.
This book - Mandatory Reading
Thank you for this. I think I need to figure out a way to have a situation somewhat like this.
Right now, he's so frustrated in general about it, he's like, "LET'S BONE! WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO!!??" And when I tell him I don't know, he gets mad, doesn't believe me, makes crazy assumptions like I'm cheating.
All of that definitely doesn't help me get in the mood. And right now, I'm not able to just say, "SEX, let's do it." I don't like it. I know he's upset. But to have sex when I don't feel it, it just doesn't seem right.
---
EDIT: Since this is a higher comment, I'll put this here. Thanks everyone for the advice and wonderful words.
I ordered Come as You Are and Mating in Captivity. I'm going to give them a read and not-so-subtly leave the books out so he can see I'm doing something for the cause.
These people need to read this book (fully knowing they never will):
Mating in Captivity
https://www.amazon.com/Mating-Captivity-Unlocking-Erotic-Intelligence/dp/0060753641
And there it is. Change of circumstance. Circumstance plays a huge part in female sexuality. Have you ever heard the classic joke advice about how to get your wife to have more sex with you--Do the laundry, do the dishes. A woman seeing her husband step up to help her out with taking care of the home can put her in a different mindset and get her motor running. Obviously this varies from person to person. A different wife might get stressed out by her husband doing the laundry (he's not folding clothes the right way! etc).
How is she supposed to "try harder?" She's just going to suddenly want sex more by sheer willpower? Nope. You two need to educate yourselves more on sexuality, sex drives, and get to know the circumstances under which you do and do not feel turned on. I recommend Mating In Captivity for both of you and Come As You Are for her.
Recognize that this is a problem and without concrete efforts to educate and reframe the situation, nothing will change. You can't keep doing the same things and expecting a different outcome. But it sounds like you are both willing to try, and that's what is most important.
Matt doesn't need to read every single comment everywhere for this to be an issue. Say when there's a podcast, there's 100 comments. Matt could only read 20 and still see some about him not being there.
And those comments can range from soft and constructive to somewhat shitty and outright asshole.
And yeah he could have give normal responses. A lot of the time, he has given them. 'I'm at this con.' 'I'm dealing with a business emergency.' 'I'm on a family vaction.' But sometimes people don't see those normal responses or don't care and still throw things his way.
So again. We don't see what Matt's seeing. We may look in a Reddit thread and see A shitty comment and ignore it. But Matt, who has to pay attention to all forms of feedback as part of his job. He'll see that one shitty comment and it's proably the 12th he's seen and say 'there's not that much today.'
EDIT: If you are still not sure what my point is, read this. It's about when people are mad at you on social media. Not a perfect comparison as the examples are extreame, but gives some insight.
Read "Verbal Judo by George J. Thompson & Jerry B Jenkins". It's a book full of deescalation techniques meant to calm down angry people. one of the authors was an ex cop that taught these to cops across the country to avoid the use of force.
edit: link added & spelling
For anyone who is interested there is a great book about the power and influence social media shaming has in our modern world. The book is titled So You've Been Publicly Shamed By Jon Ronson.
Hello there. Maker of The Chart here back with a prequel to the original flow. First of all, I know what you're thinking. "This is getting out of hand! Now, there are two of them!" ^^^Ok ^^^I'm ^^^done ^^^now ^^^I ^^^swear.
But honestly I felt like it was important to make this because, let's face it, having an adult conversation can be
coarse and irritating and it gets... NO STOP ITreally, really difficult and stressful and I sort of ... didn't address that at all in the original.One of the naughty things that process designers do is that they take a a series of actions, slap a label on them, surround them with a "not my problem" field and wander off into the sunset. And that first big box on the original Chart? Guilty.
At the time I had a somewhat general idea of how to have an "adult" conversation, so I went out and read a book in preparation for building this flowchart. Much of what you're seeing here is inspired by an absurdly simplified take on that content. I have to say, it was an excellent read and I'd recommend it to anyone. The skills in there will come in handy in almost every part of your life.
Sooner or later you're going to have to tell someone they hurt you or have someone say that to you, and navigating those conversations skillfully can pay big dividends for your personal or professional life. The irony of course is that this probably going to be longer
and a lot crappierthan the original, but I wanted to at least do something for the people (like me, tbh) that find this challenging.Yes. Therapy now. I'll tell you a story of a person I once knew. He was not good looking by any means, but his personality so outweighed his visual looks that it was very easy to completely ignore his looks. He was a really nice, really fun and quirky guy. I know it's tough (I've been bullied, too), but please see a therapist and develop your personality. Once you start doing things that engage you, you will become a lot more interesting. People who judge you on looks alone are not people with whom you want to hang out.
P.S. I read Brene Brown's Daring Greatly and it really helped me a lot. I highly recommend it.
Edited to add book.
"she's not going to change," always my favorite JustNo excuse. Must be nice to control the world and everyone in it so we all have to work around the MILs personality. 🙄
As a practical matter if she's not boundary stomping you to death, I'd keep trying to coexist. Though you might want to remind your DH that he married you when you have the quiet, reserved personality you have now - it's not like you sprung it on him after the fact. Did his attraction to you include the fact that you have a more restful personality than his family? And if so, why would he want you to change it?
ETA: Also, this book is excellent and very informative about introverts, I highly recommend it!
Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking https://www.amazon.com/dp/B004J4WNL2/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_9LI2CbQ1WKHWF
> f
Read this.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/So-Youve-Been-Publicly-Shamed/dp/1594487138
So You've Been Publicly Shamed is a pretty decent read
Some thoughts
One thing that got me thinking was his slide on the how and the why. Basically the chart looks like this:
Advice | Reason |
--------|-----------|
confidence | risk taking |
charisma | social hierarchy |
competence | provisions |
leadership | overall survival |
Talking to a stranger is risk taking. Having good charisma makes you seem higher up on the totem pole. Who gathered the most animals? A big question in women's hypergamous brain is who have the most provisions.
This got me to thinking about how I would develop social confidence? "The most important mark of confidence a man can do is to start a conversation with somebody... approach, approach, approach." (@~34:00)
So I brainstormed:
Advice | Reason | Action|
--------|------|--------|
confidence | risk taking | Approach
charisma | social hierarchy | Work in Bar/Meet Ups/ ...
competence | provisions | Job/Budgeting/Investing/show dangerous side...
leadership | overall survival | Get in Leadership Positions/Volunteer...
How feasible are the actions? Approaching can be done today by going outside, but I am [insert hamstering] and she is [hamstering]....
Here are the books he recommended @~40:18
Shows what men and women want.
Advice:
Become keen observers of human nature and behavior based on reality. One way is to take walks with your dog, sit at a cafe and eavesdrop on people on dates.
He also recommended getting social history books and getting a book list together. Not sure if the list above is the list or a quick glimpse.
Background:
Man is dying. I saw him on reddit offering free advice and skype sessions before. I thought there may be a catch and I was insecure. Fast forward today I see him on the stage, I wish I have taken up the offer
and am thinking about spending a day with him. Usually never have someone like that in my life, wonder about how a day with him would be like. Crowd in the room are tired and silencing his side jokes, but sometimes the
crowd (or one person) comes alive and responds. I would of been stoic/quiet/beta (on and on) in the audience, but would fantasize about his points. At end no one seem to have questions so he have to probe the audience "anyone want to know about my eye patch?"
questions around @48:00
etc.
Traps aren't gay
You can take it all the way back to Uri and Fischer's Getting to Yes, published in 1981. Among other things, they talk about BATNA: Best Alternative To a Negotiated Agreement.
It is very RP. The point is that you must have options, and the better your options are, the better deal you can get for yourself because you are always willing to walk away from any situation that will not improve on what you already have waiting in the wings.
If you go into a job interview, your sparkling resume is less important than having another employment offer in your back pocket.
For coping
He was very embarrassed - I actually called him out about it in a friendly way during course discussion, and asked if it made him feel differently about Chihiro knowing his secret, and he was wavering a lot - "I dunno, man..."
The girl who sits in front of him interjected "He's still cute, though!" to which he responded "Yeah, I guess." I diverted it back to questions about gender and discussion about their course common reading - "So You Think You've Been Publically Shamed" (https://www.amazon.com/So-Youve-Been-Publicly-Shamed/dp/1594487138) and discussion ended up being incredibly productive.
There’s an interesting book on the subject.
https://www.amazon.com/So-Youve-Been-Publicly-Shamed/dp/1594487138/
The author tracked down and interviewed a number of the people who had their bad behavior go viral, such as the PR director who was getting on a flight and tweeted the terrible joke about not getting AIDS in South Africa because she’s white. In most of the cases, the subjects didn’t rebound and get their lives back on track. Except maybe one dude who had no shame to begin with.
If anyone wants some reading material on this topic, let me know. This kind of thing can be really hard to overcome and damaging to relationships.
Edit:
Hi people! I received a lot of responses about this. I feel bad for not responding earlier, but I was busy, and feeling guilty is part of my own thing that i need to work through. When people talk about this problem of “pleasing people,” what they are often really talking about is shame-bound systems. It might not be obvious at first, but ask yourself, what feelings would you experience if you weren’t trying to please others? What would it say about you if you were just trying to do what makes you happy? What feelings are you trying to get away from when you think about this? In addition to the books mentioned by /u/alpinejonny, I recommend the following:
More on the academic side:
Facing Shame, by Merle Fossum and Marilyn Mason
This is a classic book written for therapists about people in shame-bound family systems. I recommend going here if you want a deep understanding of how and why families create cycles of shame, one manifestation of which is “people-pleasing.” It’s an older book, but it’s still an important one.
Shame and the origins of self-esteem, by Mario Jacoby
Mario Jacoby is an influential Jungian analyst. This book is expensive, but I really recommend taking a look at this book’s table of contents to see how in-depth it is. Amazon’s “look inside” feature has a lot of pages from this book available online, and you can click on table of contents sections to see more information about that section. It might have a lot of the info you need.
More mainstream:
Reinventing Your Life, by Jeffrey Young and Janet Klosko
Despite the ugly cover and horrible title, this is a really, really solid book based upon schema therapy. This book covers a wider range of schemas or “lifetraps,” so it is appropriate for many people. It can be eye-opening. I would definitely recommend it, especially the chapters on vulnerability, dependence, abandonment, and defectiveness (shame).
Daring Greatly, by Brené Brown
Brown is a leading researcher in the field of vulnerability right now and has down a lot of interesting qualitative work in deconstructing the concept of vulnerability, which is something we must experience if we are to say ‘no’ to our people pleasing tendencies. I’m not the biggest fan of Brown’s mainstream writing personally (I’m more on the dense/academic side of things), but her key points are dead on and her writing works for many people. I really appreciated her famous TED talk when it came out.
Healing the Shame that Bind You, by John Bradshaw
I haven’t read this one, but I have heard really good things. Again, Amazon’s look inside feature is helpful here. A lot of the book is already online.
Hope that helps! Other users have been recommending to me books about codependency. I haven't read any books about codependency specifically, but I can see that being super helpful.
There are so many good books that have helped me figure out, if at least not why I am like I am, but at least how to change and be a better person. Some of the recent ones are:
Emotional intelligence.
Intimate connections.
How to win friends and influence people.
It's understandable how pathetic people who read the cheesy opera book club self help book of the month are. Or at least I understand that people feel that way about "self help" books. Oddly, I started down this journey of self improvement when my girlfriend left me. Looking for answers I went to r/seduction. And after I read a bunch of posts, (as well almost everything on this site), I had answers. Lots of of them. Mostly that I needed to get my "inner game" in check before I could move on and be the person I wanted. So I got those books they recommened, and wow. I haven't internalized it all completely, that is I haven't walked the whole path yet, but just having a road map helps so much than being lost and alone.
TL;DR it helps to have help
This is mentioned in the book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking
unsolicited advice:
work on developing the self esteem. change your world view. realize other people's opinions of you are merely their opinions.
someone not liking pizza doesn't make pizza less awesome. the same applies to you. preferences aren't objective truth. peoples preference for a certain type of person don't make that certain type of person better or worse than any other type of person. people have inherent value.
I'd also recommend this
https://www.amazon.com/Daring-Greatly-Courage-Vulnerable-Transforms/dp/1592408419/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1518228651&sr=8-1
from the person who gave this ted talk
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCvmsMzlF7o
not an expert, just someone who struggled/struggles with the same shit.
"Needy" isn't a negative thing at least according to contemporary attachment theory. People having a strong desire for intimacy and closeness with a partner is not a negative thing, though in the US we tend to label it as "dependent", "clingy", or "needy." I would much rather end up with an anxious or a secure person than an avoidant type. Avoidants feel that intimacy threatens their independence. Yeah, thanks but no thanks.
Lets just answer all your comment history questions since clearly you're fishing for a direction in life:
>Sexy cologne that's attracts girls ?
Smelling good is only a small portion of what makes you attractive. Shower regularly, brush your teeth, wear deoderant. But as a cheap option that smells pretty good, this is a pretty good cologne.
>Does L dopa turn into dopamine no matter what?
Don't bother with this shit. Same with L Tyrosine and Ashwaghanda. They aren't the answer to your problems. You're not going to improve yourself through substances.
>How much alcohol makes you confident
Alcohol doesn't make you confident. It just removes your inhibitions. There's a massive difference. Confidence comes from belief in self, and competency in aspects of life that are important to you.
>Good movies with motivational endings I can watch ?
I'm not normally a fan of preachy movies. But in terms of movies that have a good message, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, Creed.
>Whats the best martial art for self defense without any weapons
Running/not being there in the first place. After that, de-escalation tactics. I recommend reading this book. After that, Muay Thai, BJJ, Wrestling, or Judo. Be sure to read up on your local self defense statues so you understand when and where you can use force, and its worth talking to a lawyer to have it explained to you.
>If I have no fighting experience, can I learn how to fight from shadow boxing ?
No.
>Tips for first fight w no experience
Don't fight. Get experience in a safe sparring environment with a good instructor.
>Fought this kid at in class today. How do I hit someone pushing me?
You report him and move on.
>Will phenibut counter fight or flight mode?
No. You don't counter fight or flight. It's a subconscious automatic response. You learn to deal with it through consistent repetitive training which can ingrain learned behavior that takes over instead of the default fight or flight. It's also a fucking stupid idea to try and use substances to prepare yourself for a situation where Fight or Flight is likely to happen.
>Can i beat someone who's 5'8 untrained and has some weight due to fat while I'm 5'6 and trained in muay thai?
Depends on how much training you have.
>Can i beat someone in a street fight 1v1 no other people and no weapons who's 5'8 untrained 180 pounds if I'm 5'6 130 pounds and trained in BJJ
If you're a purple or brown belt, then maybe/probably. Otherwise unlikely.
Games People Play by Eric Berne [Wiki] is a book about Transactional Psychology - this kinda describes what you're talking about. People develop strategies that work in interpersonal situations when they are young and then refine them into codified 'games' that they 'play' with people that they interact with. The author talks about various parent/child and victim/perpetrator relationships and how people maneuver others by rehearsed behavior to prompt an expected response.
It's interesting, if only for learning the ability to recognize a situation you're in, therefore giving you some options for responding that short-circuit the game or that steer the outcome toward a desired result.
It sounds like this guy got what he wanted in the past by throwing temper tantrums, and now he thinks that will work as an adult. Basically (as you said) it worked before... The unfortunate part is that he probably will have some success with this game with a lot of people that engage with him, reenforcing the urge to play the game over and over. If the result is not what he wants to achieve, he'll play another game internally that removes his responsibility for the outcome.
YMMV. Tax, tag, title not included.
Buy this book, it's a classic (Check out the Vonnegut review): http://www.amazon.com/Games-People-Play-Transactional-Analysis/dp/0345410033/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1313736082&sr=8-1
Roll it up so that it gains a strong cylindrical shape. Then beat her and her mother with it.
I was younger than almost my entire team, only had 2 others younger than me of a 7 person team. It can be a bit challenging but the key thing to remember is that you were hired for your skills to be a people manager and they are the professionals in their skills.
There was probably someone on that team wanted your job. I tend to acknowledge their desire for leadership positions and ask them if that is what they still want in their career. If so then we make a plan to help make them more marketable for the next role or as my "heir-apparent" when the time comes.
Be humble and let their expertise and opinions be a welcome thing. It is paramount to hear their advice and more importantly to hear why things are done the way they are. People (typically) don't do things without a good reason. Respect that.
Couple other random bits and pieces I recommend to new managers:
This is what I try to do when taking over a new team.
Things I strive for as part of my team as their manager:
A few books I would recommend in no particular order:
>Why do you think that this reflects on most progressives?
Because lots of SJ activists like to gang up on people.
>Also what is the worst that one guy could do?
Start a witch hunt.
Yup. I have deleted posts made in public where I was 100% correct/truthful/moral because the pitchforks were coming out and the effects threatened to become overwhelming. Even if 80% of the people agree with you, once a social media mob starts to form if even 0.001% of the remaining 20% decide to try to ruin your life via bedbugging or harassment or whatever, that's enough to have a real potential impact. If you have a family, a career, a life to protect, you will often prioritize being spared the effects of the mob over proclaiming your veracity/correctness/innocence. In my case, I deleted some tweets, turtled my social and took a contentious political argument with @Popehat to a private channel, even though there was no doubt my position was both correct and well-defended. I just couldn't endure the onslaught of idiot strangers coming out of the woodwork.
Deleting and turtling and being more private is evidence of nothing more than good sense and yields no clue as to who might be correct, incorrect, guilty, or innocent. It's just evidence that we live in a troubling and sometimes terrifying era of a kind of mass social censorship where no matter what you say, if the wrong people find it and decide to attack you, virtually everyone is vulnerable to mass public shaming on a previously unimaginable scale.
Everyone in social conflicts that happen in full public view should probably keep this dynamic in mind.
>also possess a set of psychological characteristics that many would consider prototypically immoral."
The implicit equation here is that empathy = moral goodness. When empathy leads us to feel good about making a decision that is objectively bad for the whole world excluding ourselves, that foundation is very dubious despite our kneejerk instinctive reaction. For example, people are more motivated to donate to a cause if they hear about one person being harmed in detail, and then become LESS motivated to donate if they learn they will help that one person and many others in the same situation. Motivation to act altruistically declining when an intervention is objectively superior with no drawbacks is a clear problem. It would seem that letting emotions be our guides is not always a reliable route to the most ethical action possible.
Against Empathy is an interesting exploration of this subject (albeit a questionable stocking stuffer).
I love Esther Perel! Her book Mating in Captivity focuses on the same theme. My husband and I listened to the whole book on tape together this summer.
We're also obsessed with her podcast! It's called Where Should We Begin and is just her and a couple in a marriage/couple's counseling session, one couple per episode. It's brilliant and we also devoured them all - my husband likes to vocally root for the couples expressing their feelings like he would root for a sports team. There is one in Season 1 about a couple struggling with fertility issues, called I Can't Give You a Child. Highly recommend all of them!
Verbal Judo: The Gentle Art of Persuasion
Its a great book. One of my CCW permit instructors recommended the book to his students. Its a good read for anyone, not just cops.
I see that you're saying that men generally want sex and women generally want commitment, and you believe that when women friend-zone men they are cheating men by taking the commitment and giving nothing in return.
It seems me that you agree that men shouldn't be doing chores for women with the hope that they will get sex in return. I also think a lot of feminists would agree with us that women shouldn't be having sex with men with the hope that they will get commitment in return. They're both foolish ways of thinking.
Here's how we get around the foolish confusion that both men and women bring to relationships: honest communication about feelings and expectations.
Men who feel friendzoned should tell the women (in similar but not necessarily identical words) "I feel hurt because I want our relationship to become something different. I also like you and I feel happy when I'm around you. But I also feel bad about myself because I worry that you're purposely leading me on to hurt and use me"
and women should tell men "I want to have sex with you, and I really like you. But I'm also worried that once we have sex you'll no longer be interested in me, and I don't want to have sex outside of a long-term relationship. Do you think that you're interested in having a long term relationship or do you see us as having a casual relationship?"
If you want more information on how to have these conversations in a socially skilled way, I suggest Difficult Conversations by Douglas Stone
In short, you're right to point out that both men and women don't communicate their expectations with each other well and end up feeling used and cheated as a result. However, I think the solution is more honesty, not less honesty, wouldn't you agree?
Can you give an example of what you mean by misbehave, and what ages you are thinking of?
I think maybe sometimes I would use obviously ludicrous threats, like that I would tie them to the roof of the car, or put them on the roof of the house for the night. It was humorous, they knew it was empty, but it did communicate my annoyance or dissatisfaction with their behaviour.
We would rarely use real threats. Occasionally we would remove a child from a situation, for a while we would send them out of the room and ask them to come back in with a different attitude, or with an apology. If one of them hurt another we might leave the room along with the hurt child. But on the whole they are pretty well behaved.
There are a few books I've enjoyed reading:
Alfie Kohn's books: Punished by Rewards, and Unconditional Parenting.
Raising Happy Children
Playful Parenting
D.W. Winnicott's book: The Child, The Family, and the Outside World
> I'm concerned that the left is succumbing to the exact same rhetoric.
Yes, you are seeing our tribalist tendencies in action. People rationalize their hatred, violence, and the ends justifying the means all the time when it's "us" vs "them".
I'm to the point where I refer to the left and right extremes as the Rattlers and the Eagles in honour of the Robbers Cave Experiment that both are falling subject to.
You might also point them to Jon Ronson's So You've Been Publicly Shamed which documents mob justice online. A good one to show the problem was Justine Sacco, who made an ironic tweet about her "white privilege" that was misconstrued while she was on a long flight to Africa, and by the time she got off the plane her life was ruined, career ruined, and headed for years of therapy. That she was liberal and anti-racist is irrelevant to the mob that destroyed her. It was enough to them that they could interpret her how they felt and do her harm.
History repeats itself. We're headed toward the violent extremism we say between communist authoritarians and fascist authoritarians that we say in the first half of last century. Ignoring them certainly isn't a viable solution. Standing up to them both is necessary. It's up to us liberals (meaning actually liberal, not just "left of center", as opposed to authoritarian) to settle them both down, and that isn't easy.
So, normally I’d say that if this is a one-time screw up with the scheduling, to cut her some slack - and to TRUST her if/when she says things are okay between you two. Easier said than done sometimes, I know.
That said, it seems like you’d benefit from reading up on attachment styles. You seem to have an anxious style, whereas your partner seems avoidant - this can create a really stressful disconnect that is important to recognize and work on.
Here’s the thing about when “things seem off.” Sometimes, those of us with anxious attachment are not great at recognizing when there is a real problem or an imagined one. Sometimes, things can seem off and it has nothing to do with you or your relationship status. I don’t know what else your partner said about what was “off,” but I know that that conversation would freak me out, even if it turned out there was nothing wrong. What’s important to know is that people with anxious attachment, when activated by a stressor such as “things seeming off” or an upcoming relationship talk, tend to want MORE closeness, more reassurance, more contact, etc. People with avoidant styles, on the other hand, tend to want less contact, more space and distance, etc. And the more the anxious partner pushes for more closeness, the farther the avoidant partner retreats.
Attached is a great book on relationship attachment styles: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0049H9AVU/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1
Ultimately, yes, I think it sucks that your partner bailed when you needed her. But reading your post and comments makes me wonder if your own relationship anxiety is a) manufacturing problems out of nowhere, or b) making a small/moderately sized problems larger - and if perhaps you overreacted initially and wound up “needing” her for reasons she just couldn’t understand.
I think it’s important to remember that there is nothing wrong with an anxious or avoidant attachment style. They just are what they are. It’s not wrong to need reassurance in a stressful moment. You just need to figure out what your needs truly are and determine if this partner can offer you those things. The right partner can and will.
Or compassion (cf. "Against Empathy: The Case for Rational Compassion").
Learn how to deal with conflict in a way that is constructive rather than destructive of people and relationships. A really good start is to read the book "Difficult Conversations" by Stone, Patton and Heen, and to practice discerning the three levels of conversation that people around you have. You can do that without intruding on their conversation, and it will add greatly to your life, your mental health, and your competence in the workplace.
Source: I'm an old man who wishes that book and those skills were mine back when I was a teenager. It would have saved lots of people a lot of grief.
Intimate Connections and How to Win Friends and Influence People.
there is a book Intimate Collections, by David Burn that talks about being alone, and he says exactly that when you think you are a weirdo for beeing alone at a night club you are overthinking it, for example, do you really think about other people being, or not, alone in a night club?
BTW I'm also from spain :)
I had the same issues. I didn't get laid till I was 20 something. Like others have said work on your social skills in gaining friendships then work on getting women.
​
That is how I did it. I read the good book and it guided me well. It was written by David D. Burns called intimate connections. Linked https://www.amazon.com/Intimate-Connections-David-D-Burns/dp/0451148452/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1528733340&sr=8-1&keywords=intimate+connections
​
Get the book and follow its advice. You will soon have close friends and the ability to get dates. Its not gonna happen over night but it does happen.
I have his book Punished By Rewards. Excellent stuff.
You don't know what the future holds and have anxiety about possibilities. These possibilities are predictions about the future you are making in your head. They aren't actually real, they haven't happened yet. I have to bet (because it happens to me all the time) that most of the anxiety is from things that probably will never happen at all. So don't worry about those potential situations because they aren't real right now. Don't worry, be happy! A happy calm attitude is the best way to navigate the rough seas of life.
As someone who recently graduated as well, this book is full of amazing advice. I cannot recommend it more for your situation: How To Stop Worrying And Start Living - Dale Carnegie Try picking up a cheap used copy. Just getting into reading itself helped me control my anxiety.
Leo Babatua at ZenHabits has also been a vital resource for me.
Best wishes friend!
you just may be a loner. take a gander at the book 'Party of One'
That's something that I've definitely struggled with on occasion (nearly 10 year relationship). I've found Esther Perel's comments on long term relationships super helpful, and I re-read her book every so often to remind myself. She also has a short TED talk which summarizes some of her thoughts.
http://www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_the_secret_to_desire_in_a_long_term_relationship
http://www.amazon.com/Mating-Captivity-Unlocking-Erotic-Intelligence/dp/0060753641/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1407678467&sr=1-1
Hope that helps?
If physical tools of defense are not allowed, the only option for anyone, especially a physically small person, is mindset and awareness.
Learning how to talk to someone without escalating the situation is a valuable skill. Verbal Judo is a good book on the topic. ( A slightly different version - Verbal Judo )
Being able to recognize and process the sources of uneasiness and fear lets you react in a calm and planned manner instead of fear based panic. This is often enough to keep the potential Bad Thing^tm from happening at all. The Gift of Fear can help you recognize ways Bad People^tm try to manipulate 'nice' people into bad situations.
This is such an idiotic strawman. "You have to let them all in or they'll die!"
Stop being so dramatic. The vast majority of these people aren't even war refugees, they're economic migrants looking to suck the welfare tit. They're simply here to take advantage of you. And people like you are so blinded by your supposed "empathy" that you'd rather play the sucker than accept reality.
As for those who are actual refugees? We can create safe zones. We can help set up living in places like Turkey as we already are. And, in fact, we can help far more by doing this, because resettling them near their homes costs 1/3 of moving them to the west. But then oh, I forgot, you don't get to virtue signal if we resettle them somewhere else. You don't get to march in the street with your "refugees" (migrants) welcome sign. And that's what this is really about for people like you. Vanity. You don't care about helping the maximum amount of people. You care about proving your own moral superiority. And if thousands of Europeans have to raped/gunned down/ run over? Well, that's a price you're willing to pay for your vanity. Because you're just so empathetic.
Get yourself a Christmas gift.
It is interesting you mention that. There is a famous book well worth a read. Difficult Conversations. There is a section of it that discusses blame and how we always cast ourselves as the hero no matter what. That it is almost impossible to look at situations from other people's views or stances. Its a good book written by some harvard business school guys, well worth a read.
We like The Introvert Advantage: How to Thrive in an Extrovert World by Marti Olsen Laney Psy.D.
Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain
and How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie.
> If I ever get a blog started up, I definitely would have an article about this concept of "empathy" near the front of the queue. Bluntly, I think it's inaccurate. What you're really talking about is compassion.
You could even write a book about it - e.g. Dec 2016's Against Empathy: The Case for Rational Compassion
If your relationship skill was an inherent trait then logically you'd never be able to get better at it. But I'm sure you know many people in your life that have gotten better at relationships, I know I do.
If you want to improve I can recommend a couple of extremely useful books:
There are a ridiculous number of so called "self help" books out there but these two are full of genuinely useful ideas. They can't teach you everything, you've gotta put this stuff into practice to truly understand it, but them books have had more of an impact on my life than probably anything else I've experienced.
Hope this helps ya mate :) and good luck for the future.
Quiet by Susan Cain
Party of One by Anneli S. Rufus
But the book that really hit it home for me was Introvert Power by Laurie A. Helgoe
I'm not personally an extrovert but I still think the character was on the autism spectrum. If you like reading, check this book out.
Daring Greatly - Bréne Brown
https://www.amazon.com/Daring-Greatly-Courage-Vulnerable-Transforms/dp/1592408419
Fantastic book for people who have trouble just getting out of their heads and doing things.
In my life I found the one thing I couldn't do was to be vulnerable. In anything. Showing weakness in my mind was a quick path to pain so I just stuffed literally everything down. Come to find out I'm not so unique and that it's ok to be vulnerable. In fact not being vulnerable is what hurts so much. It talks about vulnerability in ways that have helped me tremendously and allowed me to make some real progress in my life.
I've mentioned this book twice in two days. I swear I'm not getting $ for this.
Daring Greatly.
It's more about being vulnerable than self-esteem, but it teaches you that being vulnerable isn't a weakness. There's a strength to be drawn from being vulnerable. And the behaviors that you engage in to protect yourself from being hurt are actually keeping you from engaging in an intimate and rewarding relationship.
There's a book on this subject that looks very good, So You've Been Publicly Shamed by Jon Ronson. I haven't read it yet but it looks very good and I thought it's existence could add to the discussion.
Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain changed my life. I spent most of my life trying to fix myself because people kept telling me I was broken. As it turns out, there's nothing wrong with me at all, and I was just listening to idiots.
Even if you aren't an introvert, you should still read this book. You can't describe introverts without also talking about extroverts for comparison, so there's plenty in there for everyone.
There are some cases where I believe empathy gets in the way of morality. It's been well studied that empathy can cause people to be myopic with respect to doing the right thing. It causes people to feel the emotions of whoever is in their immediate frame of attention. If they act upon those emotions, they will often feel good about themselves even if, rationally speaking, they're making the problem worse.
This is a pretty great book on the topic
It sounds to me like this is a perfect example of a situation where a person's empathy interfered with their ability to do the right thing.
/u/HeatherLaFrito I think it was selfish of you to buy those fish, even if it felt to you like it was the right thing to do at the time. Hopefully you will take good care of them but think better of such things in the future. Of course, you could also try to return them. That would probably be the best option.
If you haven't already then I can totally recommend you read "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie, it's an old book but brilliant, easy to read, and helped me a lot with understanding people and how they think.
 
Edit: A version of this book appears to be shared under Public Domain on archive.org, and is free to download in EPUB format if you are interested in checking it out.
> It sounds like there are some communication/other issues going on between you and your SO. The dog is the catalyst but there's probably something deeper going on with him that you're not privy to.
This. I'm thinking some of the communication strategies in this book could help: http://www.amazon.com/Difficult-Conversations-Discuss-What-Matters/dp/0143118447/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1382236150&sr=8-3&keywords=negotiation+in+books+harvard
For anyone who is interested in thinking about how to improve the effectiveness of public or private discourse with people who you disagree with, I highly recommend the book Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most.
The book outlines how most difficult conversations can be broken down into three different layers - first, a conversation about what happened; second, a conversation about how one feels about what happened; and third and conversation about how one's identity is affected by what happened.
As the authors point out, most conversations between disagreeing parties break down in the first step of trying to establish what happened. This is often due to three traps: first the inability to understand that no one person can fully represent the truth of what happened; second, the assumption that one fully understands the intentions that motivated the other party to act in the way that they did; and third, the natural instinct to blame the other person rather than taking responsibility for oneself.
This book was very influential for me in how to think about DAMN. In fact, I could frame the entire narrative of DAMN. as an illustration of the struggle to overcome the internal obstacles that prevent us from truly listening to the other and thus prevent us from moving forward.
She has a book titled "Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking". It's an incredible book with some history of societal attitudes about introversion/extroversion, and how to apply it to healthier home and workplace situations.
One of the great things about it is that it doesn't try to position either end of the spectrum as ideal, but rather shows that the most productive and rewarding environments are those where both introverts and extroverts work together and have the opportunity to contribute in the way they are most comfortable.
Guy here,
To me, self confidence is the ability to turn all of your internal dialogue off. The fact that you are trying to define self-confidence in itself means that you don't have it.
However, here you speak to what you self-confidence motivates you to do:
"I'm confident in myself. I'm generally a pretty smart person, and I'm constantly pushing my boundaries, making mistakes, and trying to improve myself."
But then you make a statement that lack's confidence:
"I think women get a pretty clear sense that something is 'wrong' with me."
Stop thinking that way. The way I see it IF a woman thinks that way about me based on just having a conversation with me she's not dating material. Furthermore, you're presupposing this.
Lastly, you may want to get a copy of this: http://www.amazon.com/Games-People-Play-Transactional-Analysis/dp/0345410033
I haven't even opened it yet but I bought it because I have the same problem you have. I'm simply realizing that it isn't that people don't understand me, I don't understand them as well. It's a two way street.
Gillian Butler's Overcoming Social Anxiety and Shyness is a very helpful self-help book. It's very straight forward. She explains why social anxiety happens, and then she goes into techniques to get over it. It's helped me quite a lot!
http://www.amazon.com/Overcoming-Social-Anxiety-Shyness-Behavioral/dp/0465005454/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1450275542&sr=8-1&keywords=gillian+butler+overcoming+anxiety+and+shyness
This is actually a great point. In Dale Carnegie's book How to Stop Worrying and Start Living he points out that if you're feeling stressed about making a particular mistake, think about what would have to be true for that one mistake to have resulted in all your problems. So in this case, one might feel bad about eating extra donuts and think that they are going to fail at their diet, from here you would say: What would have to be true for two donuts to cause me to fail at my diet? The answer would be that the diet is completely dependent upon that single choice, which it is not. I'm not sure if I'm doing a great job explaining, but Dale Carnegie is a fantastic author with great insights into self improvement. His most famous book, How to Win Friends and Influence People is an incredible read as well.
After a horrid break up I actually liked his other book better "It's Called a Breakup Because it's Broken. I found that advice a lot better for long term relationships.
My only issue with those two books is that it seems geared towards younger women and I felt silly reading parts of it. The overall message was helpful-especially the two author's actual experiences.
This is a bit tangential, but I have some awesome reading recommendations for you and any other perfectionists reading right now.
My partner and I have been together for 17 years and married for 13. I'll try and break down what has worked for us. It may not work for you, and I have no idea how to find someone as awesome as my partner but maybe it will help.
You need to find someone that you can be on the same team as. That is all. It is simple but not easy. There is a lot of work that goes into it and excuses are not a part of it. When you screw up, and you will, you have to apologize and mean it. The goal is to not make the same mistake twice. Make different mistakes.
When you are on the same team you do everything in your power to make their life awesome and they do the same thing for you. If both of you are working to make each other's life better, then it works. If you act selfishly, not taking them into consideration when making decisions, then it doesn't work. Impulse control problems make this super hard, but if your focus is making their life awesome you can do it.
ex) I want a nintendo switch super bad. But I know that if I spend money on that paying the rest of our bills will be hard and it will create a hardship for my partner. Since my goal is for her life to be awesome I don't want that, so I don't buy a nintendo switch.
A large part of this is honesty. You need to be honest with your partner and yourself. You know what you are not capable of doing. Don't pretend like you can do things that you know deep down inside you can't. There will be things that you are a lot better at then your partner. That's why you guys are a team.
ex) I am bad at house cleaning alone. I won't do it. I'll start, but I won't finish. But if we put all of the cleaning tasks on pieces of paper and I draw out one task at t time, it is a game. We call it the Cleaning Chalice. I know that if something is a game I am 100% more likely to complete it. So, working together, we gamify as much as possible.
Another part of being honest is not hiding your ADHD from them. This is how your brain works and the more you can help them understand how it works the better. And it isn't easy to explain why you interrupt all the time, or need to fidget to pay attention, or why you have flunked out of college three times. But if you talk it over with someone who is on your team, they will try to understand. It won't happen overnight and it is a constant learning curve for both of you.
ex) My brain jumps around a lot and I am impatient. So when my partner was trying to tell me something I would try and guess what it was, interrupting her constantly with my guesses. This was incredibly frustrating for her and she expressed that to me. We talked about how/why this was happening and figured out I did it when I didn't have anything to fidget with. So now when she tells me about her day, I make sure I have something to fidget with.
Truthfully it all comes down to finding someone who will be on the same team as you. If someone can't deal with it, then they aren't on your team and never will be. You can't change how your brain works and other people can't change how their brain works. Instead you need to find someone who has a brain that works with yours. Unsurprisingly, everyone's brain works differently and chances are they also have some sort of mental illness.
Make sure that you are open and honest with people about what is going on. Not everyone will understand, but those that do will become your inner circle. People that you don't have to pretend around. Eventually you won't have to pretend around anyone.
I know it is hard to feel safe and comfortable sharing ADHD with others. People make assumptions about what that means and some people don't think its real. But if you can share with people and answer their questions, you will find happiness. Lean into what you are afraid of. You are strong enough to survive. Your brain is resilient.
Read this book. It will teach you to be vulnerable which will help. It is terrifying and wonderful and has helped me out in every aspect of my life especially in my relationship with my partner.
TL;DR: You need to be on the same team as your partner.
Yeah, you may be getting a bit of a roast because some strangers on the internet think you moved too fast based on a 300-word story you told.
Everyone has things they're bad at and blind spots when it comes to dating and relationships. Those of us who are quicker to feel a connection usually get hurt more often. Those who've learned to protect their hearts more ferociously often struggle with connection in other ways. We're all trying to do our best; we all have things we could probably stand to work on.
But none of that was the point of your post, and I get it. To me, it sounds like your point was: "My personal struggles with dating are causing me a lot of heartache -- is it worth it?" You're the only person who can answer that question for yourself, but let me tell you that BOY can I relate to the feeling.
To connect with another, we have to be vulnerable. Being vulnerable opens us up to being hurt.
Here are a couple of articles about vulnerability. I also highly recommend Brene Brown's now crazy-popular book Daring Greatly. I suspect it's been selling so well because people are suffering from the depressing feeling of disconnection in alarming numbers, and we're desperately trying to figure out how to reconnect with each other. Brown suggests that vulnerability is the key.
I've decided that it's worth it for me. Even though I keep getting hurt, I plan to keep trying. I've learned a crap-ton about myself along the way, and all of it has been invaluable to making me a better person (and possibly a more attractive person). I've learned some ways to reasonably protect my heart even while being vulnerable. I've learned that it pays to choose carefully who you are vulnerable with. I've learned that it's important to set boundaries for yourself and be brave enough to honor them. I've learned that it pays to surround yourself with non-romantic friends and family who reliably build you up and affirm your good qualities ("I'm so proud of you for getting that promotion!" "Your performance was great at last night's open mic!" "I think you're doing a great job raising your daughter.")
You can do it, OP! It sounds like you have a lot of love to give, and it would be a shame for that to go to waste. I wish you all the best.
Body issues affect men loads more than anyone cares to discuss and gay men are hit particularity hard. For example, "straight-guy thin" is "gay fat". Guys of all ages tear themselves apart and other gay men are happy to help. In an ever-more image focused culture, it is a struggle to not fall into this trap of trying to live up to everyone else's highlight reel when you're living your b-roll.
I struggled with being a chubby kid forever. I was called 'fatty-faggot' my entire childhood. I am a normal weight now at 29 but my self-image has never caught up. When I am stressed or upset, I feel like that chubby little boy who just wants to hide. That said, what helped me was working on myself inside and out and setting incremental goals rather than grand, long-term goals. Easier said than done, but here is what I did.
The first thing I did was clean up my diet and portion sizes. That is 80% of the battle on the weight front. Figure out your TDE for calories, eat a deficit, lose weight. It really is that simple. I track using the app MyFitnessPal. You can eat anything but a a balanced diet of protein, fat and carbs with minimally processed foods will keep you from feeling hungry and give you steady energy. I always pack my lunch for work and if I forget, I keep Soylent at my desk so I don't eat out. When I can, I research where I'll be eating out so I know what I want to order and don't get tempted by things that'll blow up my daily intake. I know what is not-awful at fast-food joints. I drink but track the cals. And sometimes, I say fuck it and eat a big fat meal...but eating excessively has to be the exception, NOT A RULE. What helps me is not seeing every meal as a pleasure cruise but as me just refueling to do my work and live my life.
Drastic diets do not work. It'll take some trial and error but you will find out a lifestyle of eating that suites you. Remember, this is a long game of changing your habits and your relationship with food. It does not matter what you eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas but rather that you eat between New Years ans Thanksgiving.
I committed to a 'no zero days' approach to exercise. Everyday, I do something for 30 mins that gets me off my ass. Even if my day is crazy, I walk my pups for 30 mins. I use my Apple Watch to track. Often, I eat my lunch at my desk while I work and use my lunch hour to get moving. You don't have to spend 3 hours a day in the gym to build exercise in. If you wanna give your cleaned up diet a boost, this is how you do it.
Finally, learn to start loving yourself being more mindful about how you consider yourself. To this day, I have an automatic negative self-image and when I catch myself being hard on myself, I ask "Well, what have I done today or ever to make this better?" or "who says I need to be this way or look this way?" You can motivate yourself and still be gentle with you. Read some self-help books and if you feel you need it, consider therapy. There is no shame in asking for help.
These helped me shift my thinking:
https://www.amazon.com/Velvet-Rage-Overcoming-Growing-Straight/dp/1611746450
https://www.amazon.com/Daring-Greatly-Courage-Vulnerable-Transforms/dp/1592408419
I hope this helps buddy.
Reward system? Ugh. This is 2014 for crying out loud. Bribing doesn't change underlying behavior. http://www.amazon.com/Punished-Rewards-Trouble-Incentive-Praise/dp/0618001816
What I've learned in multiple shitty jobs is that we're usually a lot more resilient and adaptable than we think. That job is going to be hell for you in the beginning, but something worth remembering all the time is that it will become easier and easier with repetition. You might not ever like it, but it will certainly become easier to tolerate, and one day looking back it will just be a mild annoyance in your life/career.
Edit: A more practical tip is listening to good audiobooks on the topic of how to understand and deal with people. You can start with Dale Carnegie, but I'm sure there are modern alternatives focused on the retail life.
Read this book: How to stop worrying and start living, by Dale Carnegie
Here, have a hug from me <hug>.
You might enjoy reading this:
http://www.amazon.com/Party-One-Manifesto-Anneli-Rufus/dp/1569245134
Yay! Here's a link. I think you'll love it.
Attached
In a significant majority of situations I’ve seen since I began studying infidelity after dday, BS and WS perceive and react to the world around them in different ways.
It gets down to adult attachment theory, the way we react when we feel threatened in abandoned in our primary love relationship. Read “Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment” for more.
Attached
Basically (and I am speaking in very broad terms), WS tend to withdraw from conflict while BS tend to confront it.
While many WS do have significant emotional barriers that they need to address in order to understand why they did it, its not necessarily that they are emotionally immature (although many certainly are), it’s more that their past taught them how to deal with the world differently.
I’m not sure if any of this resonates for you, because there are absolutely cases where none of this applies. If it does though, I encourage you to read “attached” and “Hold Me Tight” by Sue Johnson to get a better understanding.
Cheers,
>
i have come to believe that much of our conduct in dating and in relationships is beyond rational/intentional decision-making; we are quite frequently unaware of our own preferences/desires, and so our desires do not follow a normal goal-oriented model.
I'm going to recommend two books I read recently:
Together with recent events, these two books have taught me a lot about myself.
Who says that only extroverts are "normal?" Introverts aren't so bad:
http://www.amazon.com/Quiet-Power-Introverts-Talking-ebook/dp/B004J4WNL2/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1338946502&amp;sr=8-2
I understand what he's going through. I'm in the process of wedding planning, finding a job, and moving in that order. (Wedding planning is actually keeping me from finding a job ATM. It's frustrating because FH wanted me to be moved up in his city by his birthday. :/) I've mentioned it to my therapist about how I wasn't sure for the following reasons:
Therapist says its totally normal to have cold feet and I believe her. The sex thing can be fixed. (Try this book.) I think the stress of the job and moving impacts sex, and that has major impacts. It's hard to want to rely on the person who you are trying to keep at arm's length because you're not sure if your mind thinks your heart is in the right place. (Your heart is in the right place, your mind is just stressed and thinks it needs to protect your emotions.) In addition, I imagine the stress of wedding planning and all of the things related to it affects anyone's desire to want to have sex with anyone. Wedding brain makes you think labels for your envelopes are way more important than sex!
Have you both done some pre-marital sessions? If you have I would go back and look at some discussion topics that you both were solid on and start there.
I know that in the end the underlying feeling is that I want to marry him. Your fiance says the same so I believe he feels the same.
I'll add:
https://www.amazon.com/Getting-Yes-Negotiating-Agreement-Without-ebook/dp/B0051SDM5Q
https://www.amazon.com/Difficult-Conversations-Discuss-What-Matters/dp/0143118447
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1259644901
https://www.amazon.com/Strategic-Management-Information-Services-Planning/dp/0851423469
These are some really great suggestions. I wanted to mention Difficult Conversations by Douglas Stone. This book has done more to help me strengthen my relationships (romantic or otherwise) than any book I have ever read. It is about communication rather than toxic behavior, but like /u/raziphel said removing toxic behaviors isn't much good if you don't replace them with better alternatives (nature abhors a vacuum).
Most people consider this one of the better ones. Getting to Yes. There are lots of good tips and it's more of a beginners guide, but it does provide some good framework in general.
With that being said, negotiating is more art than science. While the tools are helpful, there is no end-all be-all for becoming a great negotiator.
&#x200B;
Edit: Added titles
I read her book a few months ago and it was great. I highly recommend it.
Yup.
I believe you're referring to this talk and this book. It's a very interesting book, I actually just finished reading it a couple days ago... gained some good insight.
Sexual Intelligence by Marty Klein
She Comes First by Ian Kermer
Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel
Come as you are by Emily Nagoski
So this reading suggestion is from the sidebar.
And also try Mating in Captivity
Relationships will always have ups and downs, but no, they don't have to go downhill.
Submission Statement
Non-monogamy is having a moment. When your needs for food, shelter, and transport are met, what comes next? What makes life most meaningful and pleasurable? For many people, maybe most of us, the answer is sex. But we're mostly bound by neo-Puritan mores around sexuality. "The Sex Machine" interests because it offers another way, and, even 30 years after Thy Neighbor's Wife, the proposition that conventional monogamy is not the way for everyone feels subversive.
We know from looking around us and from Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence that "normal" relationships aren't working for a sizable portion of the population. This article points to another way.
Same thing happened to me and my girlfriend, although over a longer time period. You'll find a lot of similar stories in /r/deadbedrooms... that's a very common problem.
As for advice, I highly recommend the book Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel, as well as her TED talk (her second talk is a bit off-topic here), for a start. Basically, if you want to change the situation, you'll need to understand why you bf's libido faded, and then find a way to address the issue(s) you identified. You can also find advice, or
at least support, on /r/deadbedrooms.
However, keep in mind that having a "honeymoon period" in the early days of a relationship that slowly wanes can also mean that your bf's low libido is actually his "normal" libido... which means that there might simply be no "solution".
These books have helped me tremendously through the hiring process so far. I took recommendations from friends and acquaintances in law enforcement and from searching through previous threads on this subreddit.
On Killing: The Psychological Cost of Learning to Kill in War and Society https://www.amazon.com/dp/0316040932/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_GNK.ybMTBZKVX
Emotional survival for law enforcement: A guide for officers and their families https://www.amazon.com/dp/0971725403/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_EOK.ybR4XSKZY
Verbal Judo: The Gentle Art of Persuasion, Updated Edition https://www.amazon.com/dp/0062107704/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_EQK.yb1MWMEPV
Verbal Judo may help, but ultimately there are going to be some unpopular decisions and actions on your part.
> "Why arrest a murderer? It's a fools errand to expect to end murder."
That might be the weakest analogy i've ever encountered and I hope you'll admit it wasn't very thought out.
"Believe it or not, being in this country "illegally" is not a crime in and of itself"
It is a violation of federal immigration law to remain in the country without legal authorization, but this violation is punishable by civil penalties, not criminal. Chief among these civil penalties is deportation or removal, where an unlawful resident may be detained and removed from the country.
Nice misdirection.
I have put myself in their shoes and my views remain the same, I think it's you who are being limited in your thinking. Allow me to suggest what I think is a valuable book:
https://www.amazon.com/Against-Empathy-Case-Rational-Compassion/dp/0062339338
Oldies are the goodies here... How to win friends and influence people, Dale Carnegie
Check out groups on http://www.meetup.com/cities/ie/dublin/
Also I strongly advise you to get some foreign friends as you get a whole new perspective on life.
There is tons of new people who have moved to Dublin who would love to get to know a local.
They may sound incredibly cheesy but dale Carnegie books are well worth a read for your situation. http://www.amazon.co.uk/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/0091906814
Check out How To Win Friends And Influence People, by Dale Carnegie. Although it's an old book (oiriginally published in 1937), much of it is still very relevant today.
While you're at it, check out Clark Kegley's Youtube channel.
Personally, though, I would bear in mind the following:
> Should I just bite the bullet and stick in the group?
NO. If you're meh about the project only 8 months in, and negative about the work environment, don't stick around for another 4-5 years. You will be miserable.
> ow I'm the only student who my advisor has, and if I switch lab group now or even after my master's, there's no one who'll be able to train new grad students
Not your problem. Remember, your main goal is to get training on how to be a good scientist. This should remain the first priority.
> I'm scared if she's going to get hysterical about her last student leaving and the lab getting empty.
Yep, she probably will, and it will be a difficult conversation. But, it is absolutely one that's worth having. It would be foolish to "tough it out" for years simply because you're afraid of your advisor having an emotional response.
> How should I approach on this subject to my advisor?
For communicating in difficult situations both Difficult Conversations and Crucial Conversations are good. Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion is the best book on how persuasion works, but How to Win Friends & Influence People is the definitive practical book on persuasion.
The Definitive Book of Body Language is a good book on the subject, which is fundamental to face to face communication.
I don't have any great books along the lines of "A Day in the Life of a Lawyer", but I do have some suggestions if that's the career path that she's interested in.
Law 101: A great primer on current law/interpretation that tries to keep it approachable. It's a solid catch-all without getting deep into any one thing.
Getting to Yes and Thank You for Arguing: Two great books on negotiation, which is really one of the key fundamentals to any legal career.
Your question is very important. Especially for early stage or even first-time founders, who don't have the right support network yet. There are many more resources like Facebook groups, and youtube channels that you can leverage to learn more about entrepreneurship, specific skills, and industries. Let me know if you're looking for something more specific. I'd be more than happy to give you additional pointers.
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Here is a list of resources that I found very helpful on my journey:
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Forums
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Reddit: I was impressed with the quality and depth that you can get by asking meaningful and targeted questions in the right channels such as r/entrepreneur and r/startups.
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Podcasts
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All of the podcasts provide a great learning experience through case studies, founder interviews, and startup pitches. Believe me when I say that whatever challenge you're having someone more experience can very likely help you.
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Newsletter
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Launch Ticker News: One of the best newsletters out there that captures the latest tech and business news sent to your inbox several times per day.
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Blogs
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Books
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Personally I've found there to be few helpful books which directly relate to management consulting / business strategy. The only one that I've found really helpful is:
But here are some books that are very helpful in developing people / soft skills essential to effective consultants:
It sounds like you're arguing it's advantageous to be extroverted in modern society, and while I'd definitely agree that extroversion is (somewhat sadly) held in higher esteem than introversion, that doesn't mean there are no advantages to being introverted. For more reading on this topic, check out the excellent book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain (here's a TED talk from her as well). She does a better job of explaining things than I ever could (especially because I'm a bit of an extrovert myself), so I'll leave you with these.
Sadly she has not. I think the theory has its roots in work performed by Dr. Eric Berne. He wrote a pretty good book called Games People Play. It's heavy on theory at the beginning, but it's neither too difficult nor too long of a read, and it's pretty insightful stuff!
Games People Play: The Basic Handbook of Transaction Analysis, by Eric Berne
This book has been helpful for me. For me, the inability to engage people, and being awkward, came from inexperience. I didn't talk to enough folks when I was young, which meant I lacked the experience to form accurate conversational models. In lieu of making those same mistakes, you can apply some ideas of transactional analysis so things make more sense in the heat of the moment.
For example, one time I tried to be smart in a conversation but it ended up falling flat. Why? Because I was following a pattern of being a brainiac, because that's how I historically got respected when I wasn't a warm or exciting person. However, the other party wanted comfort and validation for a troublesome experience, and I wasn't giving that to her. Instead, I was generalizing her situation to an overarching theme.
Brainy? Sure. Satisfying? No.
Was she annoyed by me? Yes. Was I annoyed by her? Yes. However, knowing that we were playing different games, and ire came from the clash, calmed me down. This is just one of many kinds of transactions that can occur. People can have favorites; is there someone who loves repeating exciting stories to build rapport? Do you enjoy talking about a limited number of topics to retain expertise, and make every attempt to jiujitsu a conversation back to your scope?
That's okay. It's human to do that. But knowledge is power.
> I feel a sense of social pressure that I am supposed to play the game.
In what ways? It sounds like you are letting others act upon you rather than exercising your own agency.
> Also nobody has ever adequately explained how to escape the paradox of not
> caring that your basic human need for social interaction isn't being met.
Check out this classic work by Dr. David Burns. You have let go of your perceived need for social interaction and become self-content. You must fill the void left by lack of friends with something else, which is a well lived life. You don't need others to do this. How you peceive the situation and how you act are choices. This is the essence of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.
Once you let go of the need of others and improve your own situation and make your own life, you increase your attractive qualities, which bring people to you. If you cling to others and give up your own agency for social validation, you turn people off or worse invite predators who exploit your weakness.
Your focus on detention is arbitrary. It's like saying it's unfair that hostages don't have access to pizza. Maybe, but the whole state of being-a-hostage is unfair. Instead of obsessing about their lack of pepperoni and mushrooms, why not, instead, focus on the actual problem?
All of this stuff has been studied for decades. We know that most schools are run horribly, according to unsound educational principals. But that never changes.
When psychologists or neuroscientists discover something about learning or education, it takes years or decades to affect classroom practices, if it ever does.
Schools aren't generally affected by Science. Instead, they are buffeted by politics and held fast by tradition.
See
I am skeptical that I will CYV, even though I believe that this is the best argument against it--not your view that detention is wrong, but that it's not even worth talking about. Sure, detention is a bad thing--but not the worst thing--about a horrible, corrupt, abusive system.
I'm skeptical, because the system is so deeply entrenched in our culture. And the most people can do is argue about small tweaks: whether we should use this textbook or that, the length of Summer break, the size of classrooms, etc.
The debate about Creationism vs Evolution in schools is a good example. If the Evolution folks (or the Creationist folks) win, they will pat themselves on the back and walk away happy, never glancing back and noticing that the same shoddy educational methods are being used now as before--with just one correction.
Yes, Dominoes is bad pizza. It won't suddenly become good pizza if you put it in a less-ugly box. I agree that the box is ugly, but why focus on it? It's not the core problem.
Punished by Rewards: The Trouble with Gold Stars, Incentive Plans, A's, Praise, and Other Bribes
I was fortunate enough to stumble across this book when my impossible to discipline child was only 2 - sticker charts and other incentives were already backfiring big time. Although written for school aged children, not toddlers, the principles completely changed my approach to parenting both of my kids.
https://www.amazon.com/Punished-Rewards-Trouble-Incentive-Praise/dp/0618001816
Buy it. Read it. If it doesn’t work for you no harm done, but it sounds to me like this is what you need.
Punished By Rewards. It's a good read; I promise.
How To Quit Worrying And Start Living by Dale Carnegie, the author of How To Win Friends And Influence People.
Alright, kid. You're 12. You like to read. Good work. It's useful for exploring new interests. A few recommendations for life in book form:
Yoga for Dummies
Chinese: Crash Course
A Series of Unfortunate Events
The Phantom Tollbooth
How to Stop Worrying and Start Living
Case Closed, Vol. 1
What We Talk About When We Talk About Love
Those should get you started on an introspective teenagehood. If any of those strike your interests, let me know and I'll do a little digital dumpster diving.
I know it doesn't mean that much now, but it will get better. He didn't realize how amazing you were, and that makes him not good enough for you, so fuck him. It will not last forever, you will be fine eventually.
Feel free to cry as much as you want. This is how your body deals with the stress, so don't let people shame you into hiding your pain.
Also, this book is an amazing read after a breakup. My roommates and I have all read it at one point (sometimes multiple points) and it never fails to make us feel better and give us some perspective.
This reminds me of a certain book I had to do a report on. Goes around on internet mob mentality.
> Would you want your family’s income endangered because you made a very stupid, but legal mistake?
It's definitely an interesting discussion to have. You may be interested in a book related to this topic called "So You've Been Publicly Shamed". It talks a lot about incidents similar to this one.
Just reading the title, I think you should read the book called
Attached by Amir Levine:
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0049H9AVU/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1
You can download a pdf somewhere. It's about our styles of attachment and how we trigger each other when our basic needs and styles conflict. Maybe it'll give you some insight.
> Tomorrow you'll forget about this, but these young people will have to live with it for a long time
relevant read
If this is a topic that interests you, check out So You've Been Publicly Shamed by Jon Ronson
Okay, read this book. It’s a bit science heavy, but literally changed my life on attachment behaviors and helped me recognize when I’m falling into them.
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find-and Keep-Love: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find--and Keep-- Love
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0049H9AVU/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_HHWBDbTR78S7C
Anxious-avoidant attachment. The anxious person (me) opens up a little too easily and tends to rush into things.. especially with the avoidants. We like avoidants because they don't open up as easily and seem more self assured and confident (something we inherently lack). So opening them up is an adventure for us. Eventually the clingyness wears on the avoidant and causes issues.
Apparently there's "secure" people who have no problem opening up and committing but don't over-do it like the anxious people. Anxious and avoidants can avoid relationship issues and become more secure by dating a secure person. The problem is that secure people are rarely single.
That's the gist but this book is really fascinating on the topic. Completely changed how I approach dating.
I'm stealing someone else's thunder, but this is a well-recognized book that may illustrate what you're looking for.
Not speaking up in meetings will definitely slow your career development. Speaking in meetings is as you guessed often code for visibility, but there are a lot of things you can do to help your visibility before working on speaking in meetings (which you will have to learn how to do to be a successful senior dev). Take notes to email to the whole team, email out you / your teams accomplishment, volunteer to take notes at standup, share your learnings with the team, pair program, ect. As long as your immediate co-workers are seeing you get involved with all aspects of the team, that is a good start.
As to speaking in meetings, as someone how also had to overcome "I'd rather ad nothing than just fill the air with stupid / unnecessary thoughts". Get in the conversation early. I made a rule for myself early on that I had to say something in the first 5 minutes, and after that I could be quiet if I just didn't have anything to say.
If it resonates with you, I'd recommend reading Quiet It has a lot of practical advice on how to have big impact even if you are on the quieter side.
The only book on my shelf not yet mentioned is Mating in Captivity. (and of course the joy of sex).
Seriously? What if a woman said the same thing you’re saying
“I need a partner to carry all of my emotional weight”
It’s not fair on anyone, regardless of gender.
Edit: highly suggest mating in captivity which discusses these roles we expect our partners to fill. Also, perhaps some therapy?
Mating in Captivity ---> over there in the sidebar.
Read it.
If you want to read more on this, I recommend the book "Against Empathy" by Paul Bloom. Obviously, the title is meant to be provocative but the contents talk about exactly this... why does the death of a cute child move us to action more than an adult... and lots more.
There is a new book that was released earlier this year and it's called "Quiet: The power of introverts in a world that can't stop talking". Good reviews.
I read it and agree!
It took me a long time to recognize, respect, and embrace my introversion.
The Introverted Lawyer gave me reassurance that I will be able to utilize my skills appropriately.
I have two other book recommendations for other introverts looking to embrace that side of themselves. Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking by Susan Caine (link is to the book on Amazon) and then The Secret Lives of Introverts by Jenn Grannerman (no link on that one-I bought/read it on my iPad).
You will enjoy this book, it may help clarify some things for you: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0307352145/
As a fellow introvert it definitely helped me realise some things. I could try and explain it to you, but like you I prefer not to talk when I don't know enough to back up what I'm saying.
The Art of Deception: Controlling the Human Element of Security
What Every BODY is Saying: An Ex-FBI Agent’s Guide to Speed-Reading People
Manwatching: A Field Guide to Human Behavior
How to Win Friends & Influence People
Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion
Games People Play: The Basic Handbook of Transactional Analysis
The 48 Laws of Power
Great list! I have read all the above and totally agree that their value is worthwhile to anyone seeking to improve their life -- regardless of financial status, relationships, profession, etc. A couple others that I've found useful along the road:
6. The Six Pillars of Self Esteem by N. Branden. During the reawakening stage and after a particularly painful breakup, I found this book helpful. Learning the concept of "alone-ness" versus "loneliness" continues to drive many motivations.
7. Games People Play by Eric Berne. Want to understand why your plate/gf/wife went batshit insane over the stupidest thing, and how to counteract it in the future? Read this book. Want to understand why your coworker was making those strange comments to your boss? Read this book - a must for anyone wanting to learn more about game theory and its application to everyday life. (Next on my list is The Art of Strategy ).
8. Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl. In many ways this is an antithesis to Freudian thought -- whereas Freud argued man is happy when seeking and obtaining pleasure, Frankl postulates that finding meaning and understanding is what makes us happy. In the context of TRP theory, meditating on, if not fully understanding, these concepts is absolutely necessary.
9. Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion by Robert Cialdini. The seminal work on the concept and application of persuasion. From negotiations to dating/relationships to job performance, I would rank this book at the top of many lists.
A few other authors/books I've seen mentioned elsewhere that are worth checking out: anything by Kurt Vonnegut, The Art of War by Sun Tzu (which goes hand in hand with The Prince for a great East/West study), and Rollo Tomassi. I've also found some of Oscar Wilde's writing to be both amusing and insightful.
[edit: formatting.]
Caveat: I'm not a psychologist or a doctor. There's every reason to think that a combination of working with a therapist, psychologist or psychologist, and perhaps using some modern pharmaceutical technology can help you. But, either separately or as a part of a broader effort, be aware of a widely used and effective technique known as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. You can research the details yourself, but in a nutshell this is a very straightforward type of therapy that uses the (evolutionarily) newer cognitive functions of your brain to overcome seemingly uncontrollable emotional responses that are produced by the older "reptile" parts of your brain. CBT has been shown to be generally very successful at treating a range of phobias, depression, anxiety and some related disorders. It's not magic, it takes some time and certainly some effort, but it's very logical and straightforward, with no relationship to the "lie on the couch and tell me about your terrible childhood" sort of psychoanalysis.
Although I haven't read this book on CBT which is specific to social phobia:
http://www.amazon.com/Overcoming-Social-Anxiety-Shyness-Behavioral/dp/0465005454/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1300503879&amp;sr=1-2
I have seen the benefits of similar books on using CBT to overcome other forms of anxiety. There are many similar books available, probably some decent websites as well.
So, seek some professional help if it's at all possible, but explore CBT on your own or with a professional. It's quite possible to overcome your fears.
If you're curious about CBT's effectiveness, here's a very broad meta-analysis of its relative rates of success across a range of (non-psychotic) mental problems:
http://dunx1.irt.drexel.edu/~emf27/Lab%20Group/Publications%20and%20Presentations_files/Bulter,%20Chapman,%20Forman%20&amp;%20Beck%20%282006%29.pdf
If you just want the bottom line, the stuff works - often as well or better than various medicines, and often with a more permanent long term effect.
Marzano isn't a terrible place to start
I'm partial to the work of Alfie Kohn
Hey, friend. I want to give you some real-word advice, from someone likely much older than you.
If this is a common thing for you, I would highly suggest reading a book called How to Stop Worrying and Start Living. Its $2 on Kindle. It gives some really practical advice for handling anxiety, which is something that plagues us all.
One of the techniques it mentions is keeping busy. Keep your mind, and your body, occupied. Do not give yourself time to ruminate on things. Ruminating is never productive. Ever. This is not the same as ignoring. Don't confuse the two. Ignoring a problem is bad. But ruminating on it is not the same as addressing it, and it is not helpful.
So clean that room. Just do it. You will feel inexplicably better than you think you have any right to for doing such a simple thing. And you will marvel at what in the world prevented you from doing it before, having been such a simple task.
Which brings me to another point, but I will make it my last here. More is in the book I suggested. Everyone has a todo list in their head. The size of that list is what matters anxiety-wise. Not the difficulty or length of the tasks. This is counter-intuitive.
You would think the more work you have to do, and are not doing, the more it should weigh on your mind. But that is not the case. It is the number of tasks, large or small, that weighs most heavily on your mind.
And most people have a million very small things on their mental todo list.
So clear it out. Just do them. Get them out of your mental space. They will take a shockingly short amount of time and bring you such a disproportionate amount of comfort, you will marvel at why you didn't do them sooner.
Then you can get back to splatting squids and losing every. single. game.
And that's the good type of problem to have.
Thanks for the list. If I may add one book that relieve my problems with worry and anxiety: How to Stop Worrying and Start Living by Dale Carnegie. http://www.amazon.com/How-Stop-Worrying-Start-Living/dp/0671733354 [-]
How to Stop Worrying and Start Living is also one of the best. (If you failed to follow rules of How To Win Friends and Influence People)
That's horrible. But tomorrow is another day. Try to do better tomorrow. You can do it. If you like funny helpful books read this: https://www.amazon.ca/Its-Called-Breakup-Because-Broken/dp/0767921968 It helped me get through some things it's good for a lot of things. It does cover over eating your breakup. It's cheap and story segmented with good anecdotes. Feel better, you've lost 50 pounds that's a lot of good work and excellent dedication.
SDK is my initials. Party of One is from a book about the wonderous world of loners by Anneli Rufus
I am an INFJ entrepreneur
There is alot to unpack in your question.
Do you know your ennegram type?
Cultivating self awareness is the absolute key, check out gary vee's youtube channel for more information about that.
>I've failed a lot, and feel like giving up
https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQZLeOh-kkQBRO6sRZPQw9MGVoxk_YPNYKGylt5ZWNaSOR5VanZ
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JdAKO3b8oLc
>all the time but worrying everytime you do it?
To be successful in business I think you need to really enjoy the risk, like for that to become your comfort zone. A good book to read about this is "daring greatly" https://www.amazon.com/Daring-Greatly-Courage-Vulnerable-Transforms/dp/1592408419
Also overcoming any anxiety you might have with CBT.
>I have this desire to kind of change the world and make people know their potential and be good at it through business
Visions like that take decades or your whole life to accomplish. Also you need to carefully think about how you want to change the world "for the better". Many business don't change the world for the better, and since capitalism itself makes the world "worse" (I am totally anti-communist too) than it can be difficult to work within it to really positively change the world.
Whats your idea?
I know you're joking, but if something inside you really feels this way, there's a book I sincerely reccommend: https://www.amazon.com/Intimate-Connections-David-D-Burns/dp/0451148452/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1469548148&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=intimate+connections
Yes, I know the cover and title look cheesy, but this book literally changed my life from feeling like "Nobody is ever going to want me and I'm going to die alone!" to "I'm completely comfortable with being single right now". It just really shaved off that feeling of desperation that can so easily eat someone like an INFP up.
Your biggest problem is your self esteem.
Self esteem sometimes sounds a bit lame because it was overused in the 90's, but it basically just means you are happy and content whether you are alone, with friends & family, or with strangers.
Here's a great book on improving your self esteem. The basic premise is that you end your negative self talk and start valuing yourself. If you learn to enjoy and value your time alone, you won't need other people. When you don't need other people, you won't come across as needy, so the normal people that you want to be friends with won't be put off by you. Eventually people will be attracted to you and trying to become your friend, instead of it always being the other way around.
FYI, you can probably find a pirated pdf of the book online if you look around so you may want to sample it that way, but it is a good book so I would recommend buying it as well.
Also, based on your dressing style I'm going to guess you have some sort of childhood trauma (abuse, divorce, etc.) that is the root cause of your self esteem issues. It's just my guess so I may be wrong, but if that is the case you should try working through those issues with a therapist, or good psychology/self help book.
Best of luck.
Sex is not a necessity for a happy life. In my opinion, it's like any other pleasureful behavior - if you're doing it for the wrong reasons (to distract yourself from other problems in your life), it won't make you happy. You seem to have some other problems that make you want to have sex just to get it out of the way which, while not uncommon, is not going to do much to improve your mood.
Also, I think you might want to consider not labeling yourself as a virgin. You have had sex, therefore you are not a virgin, you are just a little sexually inexperienced which is fine and pretty normal for guys your age. Your friends may be getting laid every night but let me tell you: that is not the norm and I think their behavior, while on the other side of the frequency spectrum, may not be psychologically healthy either.
What I would suggest is to try to accept yourself for who you are and realize that you are a person with strengths and weaknesses and your sexual prowess (or lack thereof) does not make you any "better" or "worse" of a person. Having a lot of sex will probably make you a little happier in the short-term, but thinking that not having it will make your life horrible and full of misery is not only untrue, but will make life much more difficult for you now and in the long-run.
Also, if you can't see a therapist, I believe it would be a good idea to check out some books. I've read a few recently that have helped me with issues similar to yours. They are based on the idea of cognitive-behavioral therapy, which states that all our feelings/moods come from our thoughts and beliefs. In your case, CBT would work to fix some distorted beliefs you may have about yourself, sex, etc. Either way, here are two good ones I have found very helpful (you can find .pdfs of these if you Google search).
Intimate Connections
Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy
EDIT: Added hyperlinks.
CBT has a lot of tools to help with this. I'd even wager that you're not actually unattractive but that you've conditioned your mindset to see yourself this way. Cognitive distortions can quite literally change the way you see the world (including yourself).
I'd recommend any of these books by David Burns:
https://smile.amazon.com/Intimate-Connections-David-D-Burns/dp/0451148452
https://smile.amazon.com/Days-Self-Esteem-David-Burns-M-D/dp/0688094554
https://smile.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336
You mention having a lot of issues here about depression and having a low self-image, this makes it hard to project a positive, attractive image. So for some people, socializing with people makes them self-conscious and a nervous wreck, we don't even see the signals other people are giving us, and we aren't even aware that we're giving signals back. And usually those signals are random, even unintentional, so we end up repelling people, even though that's not what we wanted at all.
So a lot of us have these "inner game" problems that we have to settle, and get into better thinking patterns. Then we are better able to make an emotional connection with people and become intimate. I think I would recommend a book to you, it's by a psychologist who developed Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, it's a way to replace self-defeating thoughts with positive ones. The book is Intimate Connections by David D. Burns M.D.. That book is actually a sequel to his first book, Feeling Good: the New Mood Therapy. I have read them both and I think you could do well with their program.
It sounds like you may have a problem with boundaries, which is a common symptom of social anxiety disorder. I had SAD very bad when I first left, I would literally cry in front of people, just spontaneously break out into sobs... it was not a great strategy for making friends. Some of the opinions people expressed would just upset me so much. My best friend (worldly friend that I grew up with) had an abortion when we were 18 and I just couldn't handle it. I would share very personal information to strangers and then be devastated when they didn't give me the support that I needed. If I hadn't gotten some help dealing with it it would have actually driven me back into the organization because my behaviour was so negative it would've reinforced their teachings that the 'world is bad' and 'real friends love Jehovah' by pushing people away from me.
It sounds like you could really benefit from some therapy. And if you can't afford therapy these two books really helped me. first and second. The second book is considered to be 'spiritual' but I chose not to look at it that way. It is about practicing 'mindfulness' which is really just being aware of your own internal dialogue. What is your mind telling you about yourself and the world? Sometimes figuring that out is the hardest part, and for me it vastly changed how I interact with others.
Good luck OP. You're not crazy.
Well, I'm no doctor, but I've studied and practiced CBT for years. I'll link some guides and books below that are pretty good. But, essentially, CBT is all about paying attention to what you say to yourself and working to change it. What you say and think about is like a habit: you've been doing it for so long that it's become rather 'default' behavior. But, like a habit, it can be changed with enough time and work.
One of the very first steps in doing this is becoming aware of what you are saying. For example, like in the title of the post, when you call yourself a moron. Or the lines of thought, such as your friends leaving you. This is a major step because, for a lot of that self-talk, you probably aren't aware of it or your brain 'filters' it out, but it's hurting you anyways.
The next step is to start challenging what you say about yourself rationally. Try comparing them to this list. For example, when you have a fear about your friends leaving you, the first thing you should do is ask yourself why. Why would they leave you? What did you do? Then look at your answer and compare it to that list. Chances are that what you're afraid of is either unlikely or illogical. It can help a lot to write this stuff out on paper.
Another test that I like is to imagine that you're saying your 'self-talk' to someone else. Imagine you had a friend you really liked and trusted completely, they can be real or imaginary. Now imagine that friend is calling himself a moron or is saying that he's afraid his friends will leave him, or whatever self-talk you're giving yourself. Would you agree and call him a moron or say his friends will leave him (remember, you're supposed to really like this person)? I would guess probably not. It would just make him feel worse, right? What's important with this test is to realize is that that is exactly what you're telling yourself and it's making you feel just as bad.
After that, it's a game of watching what you think and doing the above until it becomes less of a problem. So when you call yourself a moron, you never let yourself get away with it. You ask yourself: why am I a moron? Why does X make me a moron? Aren't I allowed to make mistakes? Etc. Eventually, you'll start to become nicer to yourself and treat yourself like you would that good friend from above.
Feeling good by David Burns is pretty much the go-to, raw CBT book. It has a lot of worksheets and examples to help the reader. I highly recommend it, especially if you're just starting.
Overcoming Social Anxiety and Shyness by Gillian Butler is also a good book that focuses in more on social aspects.
Most of the online guides I've seen haven't been too fantastic IMO. But they do exist. This seems like a good overview, but definitely not as interactive or comprehensive as the books are. Personally, I'd start with David Burns' book. It's probably the most tried-and-true of them all.
>which I've found to be super common among reddit lol
Yeah, kinda shocking, but then not really when you think about it. Your last sentence really described the last few months of my life also. Honestly I feel like these past 6 months have been the best in my life.
So for anyone reading this unhappy with your current social situation, it'll take work and it will probably
be kinda (or very) painful in the beginning, but you can grow past this roadblock and improve yourself.
These two books helped me a lot.
Overcoming Social Anxiety and Shyness by Gillian Butler, a self help guide using Cognitive Behavioral Techniques. Empowering and enlightening.
The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg, distills info from major corporations to single individuals on how habits are formed and changed. An easy read, mindblowing, very useful.
>You are all crummy boyfriends. This is sweet and adorable.
I think the only reason this might not be true is that you should be able to ask for those things and have them freely given, and be able to give the gift freely as well, rather than having everything be quid pro quo.
As soon as you attach a specific reward to those actions instead of just asking as my SO, then I am essentially forced to weigh the tasks against the reward, rather than doing it out of caring for you.
Also, you are setting yourself up to only ever get the response you want when accompanied by a specific reward.
Read Punished by Rewards for more on this kind of thought...
Just for people who maybe didn't take it and want to know. Also the Young Sensei thing might be from Todd Shimoda's The Fourth Treasure
e: Dolphin training is on page three here
e2: And dehumanizing woofs are from this book
Some kids don't respond to the carrot and stick approach. Some, like my younger son, are equally pissed off by carrots and sticks.
Two books changed the way I parented both of my children. The first one I think is the better of the two but the second is much more geared toward parenting.
Punished by Rewards: The Trouble with Gold Stars, Incentive Plans, A's, Praise, and Other Bribes
http://www.amazon.com/Punished-Rewards-Trouble-Incentive-Praise/dp/0618001816/ref=pd_sim_b_5
Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason
http://www.amazon.com/Unconditional-Parenting-Moving-Rewards-Punishments/dp/0743487486
This book helped me immensely http://www.amazon.com/How-Stop-Worrying-Start-Living/dp/0671733354
For right now, just see if you can think of 3 good positive things about yourself. No one but you needs to know about them. Asking this question frequently will help you learn to refocus onto more positive things in life and about yourself. Maybe see if you can ask yourself this question every morning when you wake up and/or whenever you are going to sleep.
Also, research "Kaizen" philosophy.
Good luck, fellow traveler
Criterion Collection. All of it.
Hemingway. "Old Man And the Sea" is delightful and a quick read. You don't want to die not having read it. What else is the point?
That said: Prioritize. Spending time with friends or away from computers is way more important than any of this. Have fun or learn how to do that (tl;dr: Most of your judgements are false, get over yourself).
Gratitude. You're sitting in front of a computer. You're pretty rich.
"Nirvana" read by Tom Waits.
Life can really suck sometimes and there is no denying that. If you watch the news, only bad horrible scary things get reported. Things we as individuals can't do much about so it seems overwhelming that you want to just curl up into a ball somewhere.
But there are so many awesome things going on but those don't make the news and because of technology, we see and hear about everything bad anywhere, especially if there is video. What helped me was listening to the audio version of "How to Stop Worrying and Start Living" which is an old book (1948) written by Dale Carnegie. I have to listen to it every few years. https://www.amazon.com/How-Stop-Worrying-Start-Living/dp/0671733354
Sending a virtual hug. You aren't alone my friend.
muda de trabalho
a progressão é assim tão importante para fazer tanta diferença aquilo que disseste?
https://www.amazon.com/How-Stop-Worrying-Start-Living/dp/0671733354
I've been in a similar place. Two years ago. And if you're feeling anything like I did, there's probably not a whole lot I can say to make you feel better. Time. Time was the only thing able to make it better for me. When I was 6 months out of the relationship and still felt sad and hurt, I realized it was time to see a counselor. She helped me see things from a different point of view.
Also, a book -- It's Called a Break-up Because it's Broken -- is targeted for chicks but it's got some really, really sound and important advice.
I hope you feel better.
I'm not saying Danielle isn't the most eye-catching thing about this photo (she totally, totally is; she's a super babe), but I know I wasn't the only one curious about what book she's reading.
I believe that educating yourself about shame is the best thing you can do for yourself and ultimately others. Read (or listen to) "Daring Greatly" and "Neurosis And Human Growth". These books have lead to discovery which has lead to understanding which has lead to peace, for me. 100% chance they will help you too. :)
---
https://www.amazon.com/Daring-Greatly-Courage-Vulnerable-Transforms/dp/1592408419/ref=sr_1_3?keywords=daring+greatly&amp;qid=1567279095&amp;s=gateway&amp;sr=8-3
---
https://www.amazon.com/Neurosis-Human-Growth-Struggle-Self-Realization/dp/0393307751/ref=sr_1_1?crid=EQAV5UKFJ9YP&amp;keywords=neurosis+and+human+growth+karen+horney&amp;qid=1567279160&amp;s=gateway&amp;sprefix=neurosis+%2Caps%2C197&amp;sr=8-1
A few professors at my college (a very small one) take the time to listen to my fears when I've talked to them one-on-one. I have very supportive friends who give me fantastic life advice and don't shame me for being confused about my own life and being a pretty "out there" guy as guys come.
The best starting place is a book called Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. As a psychologist, she studied shame for years. The premise is this: we perceive being vulnerable as weak. When do we feel vulnerable? When speaking in front of large crowds. When making mistakes. When we say something against the popular opinion. When do we perceive OTHERS as brave? When they speak in front of large crowds. When they make mistakes then own up to them. When they speak against popular opinion.
So why do we perceive our own moments of weakness as moments of strength in others? Because we know how much it hurts to open up, to drop the facade, to show what a "disappointment" we really are compared to how people see us. When two people sit down and can remove that pretense and just trust each other with raw feelings, treating our weaknesses not as shame, but as guilt - not as who we are but things we have done - we really see our behavior in a new light.
Fair warning - this book makes people cry. I've had a friend read this book and just spend a whole chapter sobbing. There are times when it feels like Brown is personally attacking you and tearing down the walls you've set up to protect yourself. And I can say it's really helped me. It's not magical by any means, but I've become brave enough to sing while walking down the sidewalk, and open up to my friends about my problems and social fears. Moving from shame (being bad, permanently) to guilt (having done bad, with changed ideas for tomorrow) has helped me kick a couple self-destructive habits.
I'd say it's worth the $10 to buy. It's a heavy read (not long, just painfully truthful), so it takes a while. But maybe we can move beyond "I have no friends and am fundamentally broken" to "I feel pain for what I've done, know that's not who I am, and I'm ready to try again."
Brene Brown is awesome. If you haven't read any of her books, pick up Daring Greatly. Warning: When you see the LDS church in the stuff she writes about dysfunctional organizations, you might be tempted to throw the book across the room. Try to hold back, though, because seriously considering her research-informed thoughts on shame and vulnerability will make you a better spouse, parent, leader, and overall person.
I thought you were my SO when I read your post!
I can tell you, as a man, in my mid-30's, who loves to cook (raised in a family of chefs), I get very frustrated with a few things when I'm cooking for a SO. Add in: I'm a perfectionist, lawyer who is a stereo typical "Type A to everyone else in the world (MR. Tough Guy, hear me roar!), but I'm really a Type B deep down inside (Roaring makes me exhausted...)." Over the years, I have learned to settle down, but it took a bit: A LOT of patience from my SO, couple's counseling, and reading a few books.
From my perspective, I want everything to be perfect. (I know, I know. It can't be. Working on that...) I want the meal to be plated and put down on the table exactly when the main / sides finish AT THE SAME TIME. It frustrates me to no avail when everything is on the table, and my SO is walking around the house, NOT eating. &%#%#&*@!!!
(╯ಠ_ಠ）╯︵ ┻━┻ (edit: added /u/spaghettirobotti 's emoticon)
But, I've come to realize that's just the way it is.
What has helped me calm down in the kitchen is my SO talking to me in a very, very gentle way about how I'm a perfectionist and I need to calm the f down. She started with a lot of "I feel ____ when you're upset that we don't eat right when the meal is put on the table." "I love that you take the time to cook, and I appreciate it so much. I want you to know my favorite meals, so we can enjoy them together." "It's been a long day, I'm really craving pasta, but I can't eat it because of our dietary restrictions. I've found nuking it a bit in the microwave gives it more of that pasta mouth-feel." Give him the opportunity to be open with you. I'm sure he looks at it as if he's providing for you, he's doing daily acts of service, and he [REALLY] wants to please you and he's being vulnerable with his food (see below, food is art).
Some other things that have helped me. 1) My SO and I started going to couples counseling. Up until then, no one had ever taught me how to be in a functioning, working relationship. Sure, my parents stuck together, but they weren't in the best place and I didn't learn how to truly be in a relationship until my early 30's. 2) I read a bunch of books... Seriously. I found so much clarity in Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. And I figured out how my SO felt loved with this one: 5 Love Languages. Both of these books had such an impact on my relationship.
I totally get where your SO is coming from. It's like bearing your soul to the world when you cook something. Just like an artist or singer showcases their talent and wants positive feedback. It can be tough for men, especially if at one time he was a professional cook / baker, to put their "food" out there and not get great feedback. I say "food" because for people who take cooking very seriously, it's our art.
Cooking healthy can be very tricky. No one grew up with their Mom teaching them the family recipe for spaghetti squash or cauliflower pizza crust. I have found two books that are amazing in this area:
Daniel Walker's Against All Grain Meals Made Simple, and her other book, Paleo Recipes. Walker's primary focus is to collect recipes for people with dietary restrictions / gastrointestinal problems / allergies. I cook 3-4 meals per week from them. If I want pasta, I'll sub out the squash; flour tortillas swapped for lettuce, etc. But the meals are VERY good (my favorites are the Ropa Vieja and Slow Cooker Orange Chicken). It also has a great spaghetti squash recipe. ;)
I hope this helps. Good luck!
> And sure there is an element of bullying in it. And that's exactly what draws some people to it. Because these are, you know, not the kind of people who normally get to feel what it is like to be "over" someone else. They don't normally get to feel "powerful".
> But here is a weapon they now have that can hurt people. They can get other people in trouble. They can turn other people into "outcasts". Now they can feel what it is like to be powerful.
Jon Ronson writes about this in his great book,
So You've Been Publicly Shamed.
He writes how it felt great to "take down" transgressors on social media, before he realized they weren't just the little people punching up at the powerful anymore, but they were an internet mob attacking largely powerless individuals for minor transgressions.
It's a great book and it was very cathartic for me personally after my ex whipped up an angry mob against me on Tumblr for breaking up with her (she was very active and had a lot of followers) by turning it into a racial thing because I'm a white man and she was Latina woman.
It's crazy that you can convince random people on the internet to harass someone they have never met - trying to get someone fired or sending them death threats - but it happened to me. That's the power of mob mentality. The fact they wrap themselves in the flag of a righteous cause makes it hard to criticize, because you will often be labelled a bigot or apologist if you come out against their tactics.
There's an interesting chunk in Jon Ronson's newest book, So You've Been Publicly Shamed, that talks about it.
cc: /u/benrelucio
haha if you are a reader, this book is great and really has changed my outlook on the way I think about people who make big shitty mistakes on the internet: https://www.amazon.ca/So-Youve-Been-Publicly-Shamed/dp/1594487138/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1499189746&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=so+you%27ve+been+publicly+shamed
I read that book over a year ago, and this is actually instance is the first time I have really felt strongly about someone getting raked over the coals publicly (and you can imagine the amount of shitty things someone can see on the internet in that amount of time haha)
You've just reminded me of the Jon Ronson book on the topic, So You've Been Publicly Shamed - it's definitely worth a read.
recommended reading
or listening
or even if you only have twenty minutes to spare
I'm in the middle of Homo Deus currently. Its great so far, Yuval is a great writer and his books are a lot more accessible than traditional history books. I'm sure there are a lot of liberties taken with some of the history but I think Sapiens is a must-read. Homo Deus is more assumption based on current reality but its very interesting so far.
Gulag Archipelago is one I read based on the recommendation of Jordan Peterson. Awesome book if you are into WW1-WW2 era eastern europe. being an eastern european myself, i devour everything related to it so this book tickled my fancy quite a bit. good look into the pitfalls of what peterson warns against.
Black Earth: The Holocaust as History and Warning is another history book discussing that time period and how it all transpired and the lesser known reasons why WW2 went down the way it did. some surprising stuff in that book related to hitler modeling europe around how the united states was designed at the time.
apologies for inundating with the same topic for all my books so far but Ordinary Men is an amazing book chronicling the people that carried out most of the killings during WW2 in Poland, Germany and surrounding areas. The crux of the argument which I have read in many other books is that Auschwitz is a neat little box everyone can picture in their head and assign blame to when in reality most people killed during that time were taken to the outskirts of their town and shot in plain sight by fellow townspeople, mostly retired police officers and soldiers no longer able for active duty.
for some lighter reading i really enjoy jon ronson's books and i've read all of them. standouts are So You've Been Publicly Shamed and The Psychopath Test. Highly recommend Them as well which has an early Alex Jones cameo in it.
Nesses casos, sempre recomendo um livro.
> Some pretty nasty things have been said to fans who had honest critisims or gripes and some very crass generalisations have been made that are just completely unwarrented…
It would help to have concrete examples of the nasty talk you're talking about.
To be sure, there are some creators who have said some jaw-dropping things (I can think of one of my longtime favorite creators who said some ugly stuff that made my heart sink).
But sometimes, something else is happening…
Sometimes, complaints levied against creators being nasty happen in response to equally, if not nastier abuse (up to and including death threats) coming from "fans." And this is a double-standard that belies a lack of maturity and self-awareness on the fans' part. Look on any message board, comment thread, or right here on reddit and you will see merciless criticisms of comic creators.
Some of us have a bad habit of mistaking our own subjective preferences as the definitive arbitor of "good" vs "bad." Even worse is when our commentary goes beyond discussing the work and ventures into the realm of personal attacks. Creators are just people doing a job they are hired to do. Yet they are a magnet for high levels of venom. Jon Ronson's book, So You've Been Publicly Shamed is relevant here.
This is not to say we can't say anything negative. It's perfectly acceptable to voice one's personal art and storytelling preferences, be they positive or negative. It's even better when negative critiques can objectively and/or constructively call attention to craft [here is a great example of what that can look like].
TLDR: Sometimes certain creators can be nasty; but before we judge, we should first check our own level of nastiness.
https://www.amazon.com/So-Youve-Been-Publicly-Shamed/dp/1594634017
There's a book on how those 20 seconds on your social media platform of choice could ruin your life.
To add to this, there's a wonderful book about attachment:
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find and Keep Love by Amir Levine et al.
ISBN-10: 1585429139
ISBN-13: 978-1585429134
Paperback
Kindle
read this book:
Attached
This book really helped me understand myself. I mean there's more to the topic but this is a great place to start. Youtube the book, people are constantly talking about it.
Neediness comes from "insecurity", a psychology technical term from attachment theory. I'm confident this book will help you. It's a classic in the field, easy to get at a library or on Amazon.
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love
by Levine and Heller
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https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Attachment-Find-Keep-Love-Find-ebook/dp/B0049H9AVU/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1543506185&sr=8-3&keywords=attached+the+new+science+of+adult+attachment
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Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking https://www.amazon.com/dp/B004J4WNL2/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_ifksDbKY851S5 I really, really recommend you this book, it helped me a lot to cope with who I am, if you don't have the audiobook app, you can have it for free with your free trial 🤓😉
I enjoyed reading your introspective perspective and how you relate to Abed. I relate to all the characters, but I associate most with Abed because of my need to obsessively catalog things and worry over minute details. He also has an affinity to pop culture that I find kindred to my own.
I, like you, also see no point to diagnosing AS. It feels like pseduo-science, and as you say there's no benefit to diagnosing it. I applaud you, however, for seeing a therapist. I am against those who dissuade you from therapy because they rely on stereotypes rather than fact. Therapists are just like any other profession, and I'm glad you found one that is helping you. Here are my opinions on a couple of things I noticed:
> But people also baffle and exhaust me, and I don’t trust most of them. They generalize and assume based on very limited data sets. They touch me. From behind. In crowds. They ignore the words I have so carefully arranged to say exactly what I want them to say and project their own insecurities and needs and prejudices. They treat me like an extension of them; they subsume who I am and what I say into whatever role they want or need me to fill and then punish me when I fail to follow a script I can’t see.
I definitely see you as carrying many of the properties of an introvert, especially when you say people exhaust you. An introvert thrives on being alone and has to recharge after social situations. An introvert doesn't hate people and isn't anti-social, but sees social interaction as a chore at times. You say you're self-employed and content with that. I would check out /r/introvert just in case you'd like more on this.
You also limit yourself by saying "I am not ever going to be an elite athlete or the CEO of a fortune-500 company." I read the book, "Quiet" by Susan Cain, and it is truly empowering to know how many introverts are in high ranking positions. I don't consider myself an introvert but there are parts of the book that I strongly associated with, like how quiet leadership is not an oxymoron. I recommend reading that if this jives with how you feel.
There's a really interesting book on this subject you might like - Quiet
If you haven't yet - I highly, HIGHLY, recommend Quiet: The Power of Introverts to read. Phenomenal book that relates to your post very closely.
https://www.amazon.ca/dp/B004J4WNL2/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&amp;btkr=1
That's almost a literal quote out of Quiet by Susan Cain. It's a great book.
A couple of ideas--
-- Hang around SO30 and read about sex. Invite your husband to join you, and start by showing him your post. But continue to read here together, point out threads or comments to each other that you find interesting or that spark ideas.
-- "Fake it til you make it" is a real thing. Even if you don't feel sexy at first, go ahead and act like you do. I would bet money (and I don't have any) that your husband's reaction will quickly make you feel really sexy.
And a couple of books that are very popular around here:
Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski
Mating in Captivity by Ester Perel
Check out ‘Mating in Captivity’ by Esther Perel
"Mating In Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence"
https://www.amazon.com/Mating-Captivity-Unlocking-Erotic-Intelligence/dp/0060753641
"Intimacy and Desire: Awaken the Passion in Your Relationship "
https://www.amazon.com/Intimacy-Desire-Awaken-Passion-Relationship/dp/0825305675
from the sidebar of suggested books might be helpful for you both
Verbal Judo by Dr. George J. Thompson - Teaches you how to talk to people.
A Mind for Numbers by Dr. Barbara Oakley - Teaches you how to learn effectively.
http://verbaljudo.com/
Actually just check out the book: https://www.amazon.com/Verbal-Judo-Gentle-Persuasion-Updated/dp/0062107704
No book will prepare you for law enforcement, it has to be touched, smelled, heard, and seen. If you're already a cop then the best thing you can do to be better is to be a well rounded human being and books can help with that.
Here's the recommended reading from some of the prior threads I was able to find in the sub.
I've read a good portion of the above listed. I highly recommend Emotional Survival and going to see one of Gilmartin's talks if he's in your area. Below are a few of my personal suggestions.
https://www.amazon.com/Against-Empathy-Case-Rational-Compassion/dp/0062339338
> “Fordi jeg tror, at hvis man ikke har et fast forankret indtryk af alting, så er det nemmere at forstå andre mennesker. Jeg tror, ideologi hæmmer empati.”
Der er en række rimelig essentielle problemer med den tankegang.
For det første er empati en målløs, irrationel og ofte usympatisk tilgang til medmenneskelighed. Den fordrer dem nemme, biased og intuitive/primale tilgang til at hjælpe andre. Jeg kan anbefale Blooms bog om emnet. Et politisk systems mål skal IKKE være at være empatisk, men være negativ utilitaristisk: Pragmatisk reducere lidelse og sørge for bedst mulige vilkår for det kollektive.
For det andet lever han i en eller anden illusion om, at hvis man tilskriver sig en ideologi er man fuldstændig låst i et ubrydeligt tankemønster. Sådan er det selvfølgelig ikke. Der er fandme ikke de fleste som er 100% enige i alt deres parti siger, og aldrig tør udtale sig anderledes eller efter bedste overbevisning. I sidste ende er ideologi en måde at systematisere holdninger. Lars ville sikkert også høre til mere i én kasse end i andre, hvis han rent faktisk gav udtryk for sine holdninger.
For det tredje er det der "os og dem"-forhold ikke noget du bekæmper ved ikke at tilskrive dig en ideologi. Der opstår et "os og dem" forhold det øjeblik nogen åbner munden og nogle andre er uenige. Uenighed er et grundvilkår i et samfund, og derfor er det struktureret til at belønne samarbejder på trods af uenighed. Jeg ved ikke hvad alternativet skulle være.
For det fjerde er hans argument for hvorfor han ikke stemmer hamrende idiotisk.
I think you would like this book.
I am 3/4 of the way through, and it has totally changed my view of the net positive of empathy (which is that it's NOT a net positive). And, as a side note, I've done research related to emotions in the workplace for about 10 years.
Against Empathy: The Case for Rational Compassion
> I cannot fit in because I'm not going to lie to you to be polite.
You know who says things like this? Assholes.
I'm sorry to break it to you, but in taking a quick glance at some of your Reddit posts, you're not being impolite because you're lying. You're simply being unnecessarily rude. It's not about fitting in. There's a certain level of social awareness and tact in interpersonal relationships.
> I guess i don't care enough to do anything.
Therein lies the rub. If you don't care enough to do anything, why are you asking this question? Are you actually looking for advice? Or making a statement that you're happy disguising impoliteness as "truth telling"?
If you're actually looking for advice, start by reading up on social skills. How to Win Friends and Influence People is a great book to begin with.
Here's a great video from Ramit Sethi about "Being Honest without being a Jerk"
I hope this is useful and if you have more specific questions, I'm happy to help.
Hey, congratulations on the promotion! You're going to be fine. Every manager started as a newbie once. I've moved out of senior leadership and now coach people moving into management for a living. Here is some advice I can give, in line with the other suggestions. There are 3 things you have to tackle in this scenario:
A couple books to read:
(1) Difficult Conversations: How to discuss what matters most (Stone, Patton, Heen)
(2) Mastering Leadership (Anderson, Adams)
Here is an interesting TED talk - don't be perturbed by the title. He talks about key character habits of good managers / leaders, that can be learned and practiced.
Hope that helps. Feel free to shoot any questions.
Sure. Uncle Jester is the master librarian 'round these parts. ;)
Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most
Fix your outward body language first and foremost. read http://www.bodylanguagesuccess.com. Don't slouch, arms and shoulders out, hands at the side when you stand not in front of your crotch, clean and kept appearance. My guess is you probably suffer from some of this.
Be assertive (but not an asshole) when you speak. Don't follow sentences with "right??", or have 'uhms' in what you're saying. Be audible and clear when you speak.
You will have to difficult conversations in life if you want your life to go anywhere. Mark these words: The more difficult conversations you have the more successful and fulfilled your life will be.
(edit: here's a book I strongly recommend: Difficult Conversations http://www.amazon.com/dp/0143118447/)
>Tonight I plan on telling my fiancé in no uncertain terms that he is out of the party, period.
This is the wrong attitude to approach the conversation with. Your fiance has a completely different perspective on this issue and if you don't come from a place of attempting to understand her feelings around the matter, you're only going to piss her off, piss her family off, and get nowhere.
There's way too much to try and explain here, but if you've never read the book Difficult Conversations, I would HIGHLY recommend doing so before having this conversation. Hell, I'd recommend everyone read it.
I remember reading this one
I went to the NCSU stacks and grabbed an armful from the psychology section so my memory is fuzzy. The best one had a profile of two people's faces yelling at each other but I can't remember the title.
Other good reads that will roundabout teach the same mechanics:
A classic
A more fun read, but less relevant.
With more entrenched ideas like politics it may be useful to look into books on the mechanics of brainwashing. If you learn how to build a bomb, you learn a lot about diffusing them. You also may learn we're all mildly brainwashed in some innocuous way or another.
And if you're not much of a reader, Chris Voss puts most of these ideas pretty eloquently.
Edit: The ones that look more like textbooks than self help tend to be more useful with the exception of Dale Carnegie.
Getting to Yes - https://www.amazon.ca/Getting-Yes-Negotiating-Agreement-Without/dp/0143118757/ref=sr_1_1?crid=BCHIC7U5CRIU&keywords=getting+to+yes&qid=1573872902&sprefix=getting+to+yes%2Caps%2C144&sr=8-1
Never Split the Difference: https://www.amazon.ca/Never-Split-Difference-Negotiating-Depended-ebook/dp/B014DUR7L2/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=negotiation&qid=1573872963&sr=8-1
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But more importantly:
Client Science: Advice for Lawyers on Counseling Clients through Bad News and Other Legal Realities: https://www.amazon.ca/Client-Science-Lawyers-Counseling-Realities/dp/0199891907
You should read Games People Play; it'll give you a new perspective on your friends
Firstly, I actually like how straight-forward you are. IMO, this is the type of talk that gets facts across... but, as evidenced here, some people automatically equate this to being a 'bitch'. Sigh.
Secondly, how lucky he is to have you? I cannot say because he is not here commenting, but, you sound very lucky to have him. You are able to actually tell him things some females would hesitate to tell their significant other (many put up with bad sex for fear of hurting feelings)... It is quite nice. Would be very helpful if you guys do end up going to a seek help from a professional. :)
My main point: Did you ever enjoy sex with your husband, maybe when the both of you started dating, during some "honeymoon phase"? I ask because, if yes, it may be because your husband is too often always there for you. Yes, this is a very good trait to have as a father and a husband, but, not as a lover! Domestic needs often times do not match with sexual ones, so, if not recognized, can lead to situations such as yours (love having him around as a husband because he is like a dependable rock, but it is stifling as there is no sexual excitement because of lack of uncertainty).
If you can relate in any way to my last paragraph, I would recommend Esther Perel's "Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence" (Amazon link). There is also a TED talk given by her that touches quickly on topics discussed in her book, here (link). Trust me, her findings are quite eye-opening.
Others are telling you that they feel bad for your husband, and that they are feeling quite negative in general in regards to your relationship with him. However, I think maybe are just questions that haven't been asked - ones that even you (who research everything) may have not thought to look up on. So, have a look at the links I gave you. Maybe you will have a, "Eureka!" moment.
Good luck. :)
Be attractive. Don't be unattractive. Work on yourself, and figure out what is different about the person you were when things were working well in the bedroom versus the person you are now.
Are you in the same shape you were 7 years ago? Are you as interesting? Are you as strong, independent, confident then as you are now?
You do understand that the work doesn't stop when you get married and have kids, right? In fact, it's just getting started.
Date her. Every day.
Realize foreplay is something that happens the other 23 1/2 hours a day, not 5 minutes before she drops those pajama bottoms. Do not ever negotiate desire (that "acts of service" and "choreplay" stuff is never, ever going to work).
Don't beg for sex, don't expect it, and don't get butthurt when it doesn't happen, or it will just get worse, because you will make yourself someone she doesn't respect. If you can find the man you were before, she'll find the woman she was, too.
Unlike another commenter, I'd strongly suggest staying as far away from /r/DeadBedrooms as possible, unless you want to feel better about people who are worse off than you. Hanging out in that sub just made things worse for me.
A good starting point for you might be The Man's Guide to Women. and after that I'd suggest the Mindful Attraction Plan and Mating in Captivity.
And throw that Five Love Languages book in the trash.
It's not called the Five Fuck Languages for a very good reason.
You know, I just started looking into a book called...
Mating in Captivity.
Ironically, learned about this book through this very sub-reddit, after someone else had recommended Married Man Sex Life.
This book talks exactly about the problem with committed relationships and sex drive, and is extremely highly rated. Author seems to know what she's talking about.
tl;dr version is that sex needs a kind of distance (and mystery) to remain "hot," and that this is often at tension with the intimacy people want from relationships.
You're not alone in what you're going through. This is an extremely common problem. But there are answers that don't involve the death of your relationship to him.
I wish you the best of luck.
Amazing psychotherapist Esther Perel talks about this at length in her book Mating in Captivity (not an affiliate link). She's brilliant!!
I just started reading Mating in Captivity and am digging it so far. Not sure I've cracked the code on keeping romance alive, but the book is giving me some things to think about.
You didn't mention if your sex drive has always been this low. Was your libido higher before you started taking these medications, what about before moving in together?
As others have said, talk to your doctor. Also, consider reading the book "Mating in Captivity,"by Esther Perel as it may shed some light on things you didn't consider about how sometimes too much togetherness can kill libido, even for those of us who really enjoy cuddling. Here's the Amazon link to it bookey bookey book (Edit: Thank you kind stranger for saving my link from the spam filter!)
Even with considerable effort, you are not likely to regain the spark.
If she was very open and still a decent sex drive, but was basically bored with the relationship, it's possible with things like open relationships and swinging, all of that new relationship energy translates over into the primary relationship, sort of rekindling things. Sometimes just doing more exciting things with a partner can make this happen temporarily.
But this all presupposes that she has any drive at all. It's harsh to accept this. What sucks is that was that if she was with someone else new at the moment, it's more than likely that she would have drive and desire - for a little while. Then it would wane again. It probably isn't you, but more of the familiarity of you. I'm not saying this to be cruel, this is part of the problem I have.
What you are driving at is that some people are not wired to want sex except with what is novel and new. That's part of what monogamy difficult. If, without consequence you could have sex with someone hot and new would you? Of course, that's what we're designed to do. The problem comes into when you are with someone long term. If your partner isn't actively trying to make things interesting, it won't work. And if she has zero drive, well - I don't know how you start from this.
But I would still attack some potential physical problems to try to increase drive. If she isn't working out, she probably should try exercise. If she's on hormonal birth control, get off of it. Have her get a physical to see if there is anything seriously wrong. My wife had Lyme Disease diagnosed recently, which messes with libido, it really could be anything. Eat better, be healthier. These aren't bad things to do for yourself anyway.
I've heard good things about "Mating in Captivity", which seems to be about what you are talking about from a relationship perspective, but I have not gotten a chance to read it yet.
http://www.amazon.com/Mating-Captivity-Unlocking-Erotic-Intelligence/dp/0060753641/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1333998652&amp;sr=8-1
Best of luck.
Absolutely! Here's a short list of non-magic books that I commonly see recommended to magicians.
Understanding Comics - Scott McCloud
Purple Cow - Seth Godin
Delft Design Guide - multiple authors
An Acrobat of the Heart - Stephen Wangh (shouts out to u/mustardandpancakes for the recommendation)
In Pursuit of Elegance - Guy Kawasaki
The Backstage Handbook - Paul Carter, illustrated by George Chiang
Verbal Judo - George Thompson and Jerry Jenkins
Be Our Guest - Ted Kinni and The Disney Institute
Start With Why - Simon Sinek
Lots of common themes even on such a short list. What would you add to the list? What would you take away?
For de-escalation in general: Verbal Judo is a great starting point. I also likedthis book by Mark Macyoung for more "broad strokes" of situational awareness and de-escalation.
In terms of if it's too late and you're being mugged: Ramsey Dewey gave pretty good advice for this during his "MMA fighters try out women's self defense techniques" videos. He lived in Argentina for a while and said he was robbed at gunpoint 6 times. The important thing to remember is that a simple mugging (no second location, etc) is basically a transaction-- you give them what they want (wallet), they give you your safety. Ramsey's answer was to keep your hands high, move slowly and do as you're told. Sudden movements or attempting to resist will get you shot.
It's literally called verbal judo lol
Keep the change ya filthy animal
Verbal judo is not about how to insult people or attack them. Conversely, it's about using empathy to persuade, and to build/maintain relationships even with total strangers.
link
The ones I always suggest are Way of the Warrior, 400 Things Cops Know and then pick up a book on shooting techniques. I recommend Combat Shooting by Massad Ayoob. Another one is Verbal Judo, though I haven't read it yet.
/u/FlynnRetriever I'm going to tag you too so you definitely see this because I looked up links and everything for you fam.
As someone who grew up in a house where I was hopelessly outnumbered by women - let me give you a little advice:
Look at this time as practice. You're may very well be experiencing a daily siege of passive aggressive attempts to chip away at your self esteem. Use this to harden your resolve. Use this time to learn that you're on your own when it comes to sticking up for yourself.
Stand your ground, draw clear boundaries, enforce those boundaries, and never ever let them see that they are getting to you. Do not engage in pointless bickering. Do not be drawn into any drama. Do not try to justify your words or actions to them unless you know you have done something wrong. Remain 100% impartial and unmoved. Do not, under any circumstances, seek their validation for anything.
This will be difficult at first. They will try to break your resolve. The more unmoved you are, the harder they will come at you. Recognize that they're ultimately incapable of doing anything to truly harm you. As time goes on, it will get easier. But recognize that this will be a constant process.
Look at family drama as though it is a play being acted out on stage. You are sitting in the audience. If they want your attention, let them fight for it. If you do this long enough, they will eventually respect you.
Use this time at home as a way to harden your resolve and self-confidence. It's like having constant access to sparring partners. A book a highly recommend for helping you deal with this is Verbal Judo by George Thompson. It's like a ready-made guide for knocking down conversational attacks.
This has good reviews:
Verbal Judo
You can think that, which is fine. I just disagree: https://www.amazon.com/Against-Empathy-Case-Rational-Compassion/dp/0062339338 — my only problem is that empathy apologists don’t just argue for empathy: they tend to push empathy as a legitimate demand and moralistic dogma, something which is wrong to be even questioned (such attitude is implicit in your “Jesus the state of this comment” and mostly explicit in the “we are arguing the merits of empathy” as a complaint of u/Rabs6 below)
Sehr guter Kommentar. Ich kann mir vorstellen, dass dir "Against Empathy" gut gefallen würde, wenn du's noch nicht gelesen hast.
>Some of his other points were seriously misconstrued, like "De-emphasizing Empathy"
Yep, Yale psychologist Paul Bloom wrote a book recently about the perils of empathy, which he describes as the way our moral and ethical intuitions can be mislead by our emotions and that, alternatively, allowing data and statistics to inform our behavior is ultimately a more sensical and compassionate route.
That's what this document was getting at.
>Google is absolutely in the right to fire him
I think people are less concerned with whether or not Google was legally in the right to do it, but more if it makes ethical or logical sense to do so. Like you said, it's pathetic and heavy-handed.
Here's the link to the meetup group :)
https://www.meetup.com/Jordan-Peterson-Study-Group
I can recommend a book I'm reading right now: "Against Empathy" --
I'm loving it so far. Read the first chapter, and I think it will surprise you, actually.
Here's a link:
https://www.amazon.com/Against-Empathy-Case-Rational-Compassion/dp/0062339338
I have similar problems as a HSP. For me it helped to find cases against empathy and pleading for rational compassion. (I too work in a hospital and am sometimes burned out by all the suffering). I highly recommend some work by Paul Bloom.
Video: http://www.theatlantic.com/video/index/474588/why-empathy-is-a-bad-thing/
Article: http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2013/05/20/the-baby-in-the-well
Book: https://www.amazon.com/Against-Empathy-Case-Rational-Compassion/dp/0062339338
to those who are down-voting: https://www.amazon.com/Against-Empathy-Case-Rational-Compassion/dp/0062339338
"With precision and wit, he demonstrates how empathy distorts our judgment in every aspect of our lives, from philanthropy and charity to the justice system; from medical care and education to parenting and marriage. Without empathy, Bloom insists, our decisions would be clearer, fairer, and—yes—ultimately more moral.
Brilliantly argued, urgent and humane, AGAINST EMPATHY shows us that, when it comes to both major policy decisions and the choices we make in our everyday lives, limiting our impulse toward empathy is often the most compassionate choice we can make."
> Serious question here and I really don't mean any offense. Are you authistic?
i never got tested so i can't say for sure, but i do not think so.
> I'm asking because you seem to be unable to relate to other human being
Why do you think this? It is true that i see no gains in empathy but i truly feel compassion for people, i align for the most part with the view of Paul Bloom on this.
> abstract concept of ideology
can you tell me what you mean with this?
> Empathy is the key to changing your mindset.
Bloom 2016, Against Empathy: The Case for Rational Compassion
> Bloom reveals empathy to be one of the leading motivators of inequality and immorality in society. Far from helping us to improve the lives of others, empathy is a capricious and irrational emotion that appeals to our narrow prejudices. It muddles our judgment and, ironically, often leads to cruelty. We are at our best when we are smart enough not to rely on it, but to draw instead upon a more distanced compassion.
[Yes you can](
https://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/0091906814)
If I were you I would start training Social and Positive Thinking. A few points in each should do.
Here is a skill book that gives you free points in Social when you read it.
Here is a skill book which gives you a free point Positive Thinking.
These are also known to give a temporary boost to the related skills if you take one every day.
Goodluck and don't worry, it gets much easier in the later levels.
The last time I saw someone on reddit have this problem, this was linked: http://www.amazon.co.uk/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/0091906814
I've never had a chance to read it (I might do soon), but I've heard it's very good.
Also, here's a summary if you're super lazy: http://sameffect.com/how-to-win-friends-and-influence-people-summary/
>Furthermore I just don't know what my purpose is. I don't have anything to work towards, I don't know what I want in life.
Welcome to adult life, the realisation that this is it. You have to make your own entertainment, set your own goals.
There is a massive difference between depression which is an illness and a general disillusionment with life. The first should seek medical help the second is just life, get on with it.
I can't answer to the first but the second, well I have some experience. Get a hobby, preferable both physical and social.
You have three beasts to satisfy.
The intellectual, the social and the physical.
Intellectual is easy, read a book. You were a student reading should come naturally. This time do it for entertainment and enlightenment. (I find that they are often the same thing)
Physical is so very important, we are intelligent animals but we are still animals. We need exercise! it's good for our health and mental wellbeing. Go for a walk!
Social is more tricky, picking up a book is easy, going for a walk is easy. Finding a social group is way harder. Those lucky people that have large social groups just seem to fall into them and don't appreciate their good fortune.
The good news is that it's just a skill and skills can be learnt. You learn them from reading books, see that's the first thing I mentioned.
Welcome to the world of self-help books. There is a lot of dross in this world but there are gems to be harvested from the shitpile.
First on the list is a classic. How to win friends and influence people. LINK if you find it useful, then there are several others from the same author.
TLDR: Read more, talk to people and go for a walk.
Not too late at all, I'm so pleased you have decided to participate this year.
Sometimes accomplishments aren't big or memorable, even if you didn't do anything life changing this year I'm sure you accomplished things in your daily life - getting good grades for example, making your parents proud, being there for a friend, facing a fear, overcoming a hardship, and so on.
I think it can be helpful to plan out how you are going to achieve your goals. So...
What subjects have you chosen to study in college? What decisions are people trying to push you towards? Maybe writing it out here will help to organise your thoughts. I recommend taking a few of those online 'career decider' quizzes, I think Ucas do one. They're surprisingly helpful!
It's great that you are travelling to Indonesia and will get to experience new cultures, but I recommend that you don't go there with an expectation to 'find out what you really want'. It's just that I've seen many, many people my age (22) do the same sort of thing and they come back with more confidence and lots of great stories and memories from their trip, but it didn't really help them in deciding on a career path. I think it would be beneficial to speak to a careers advisor at college or spend lots of time researching possible careers online.
Well, that's all for now! Hope it helped :)
There are a few thread in the Red Pill about reading lists:
Red Pill Reading List
Further red pill reading.
Personally, I would recommend How to Make Friends and Influence People
Check out the book Difficult Conversations by Stone, Patton, and Heen. It's an amazing book that really has helped me to learn to better communicate with my spouse and in my business life as well. I've really enjoyed it! It's a pretty small book, but it's packed with helpful advice.
Eep, I'm really sorry that you have to deal with family who make poor life decisions! It's one of the hardest things ever to deal with. Have you ever read the book "Difficult Conversations"? It might be a good place to look. :)
My SO and I are both super sensitive-- we decided to study NVC together (non-violent communication) and also read this book-- I highly recommend it. Transformative: https://www.amazon.com/Difficult-Conversations-Discuss-What-Matters/dp/0143118447 .
I found this book very useful. From patients, to staff, and just personal interactions in general, it has come in handy.
http://www.amazon.com/Difficult-Conversations-Discuss-What-Matters/dp/0143118447
You're welcome of course. I'd recommend this book if you're interested in enhancing your communication abilities further. One last bit of advice: Relationships are a state, not a statement; don't get hung up on what to call it, focus on what the realities are as they come. If you need each other right now and can talk with each other about that reality honestly and safely, you have a foundation that many different types of relationships can emerge from. Keep talking, keep talking honestly - especially when it's painful or hard - and both of you may find that you want each other more than you need each other.
Best of luck!
I'm very sorry to hear that.
My experience has been that things go a lot better for me socially when I treat every skeptical conversation like a difficult conversation. Short read, highly recommended.
I've also noticed that I tend to better when I offer fewer re-interpretations for people's experiences. Sometimes this manifests as a super lazy, super defensive heuristic like: "Ok, Jason (I'm Jason) -- under no circumstances say 'Maybe that was just sleep paralysis."
There's a woman I care deeply for who is very religious. I am almost tempted to use the phrase madly in love with this woman, but I'll try to keep this believable. She is big on listening prayer and she feels called to do work abroad. All of my skills and training are in technology. Even if she and I get past our worldview differences (I'm an agnostic atheist of the skepticism-first variety and she's a gnostic theist of the protestant christian variety) we still have to deal with the fact that her path will take her where all my skills mean nothing.
In general, the only things I ever let myself regret are the times I've hurt people unnecessarily. Everything else, I try very hard to own. I treat it as formative and I try to milk it for every ounce of self-improvement it could offer me. But once in a while I've hurt people... not necessarily through my skepticism, but not completely unrelated to it either. There in lies a common theme to all my regrets. C'est le vie.
Being honest to my disposition is not all its cracked up to be, but I won't stop any time soon. But being intellectually honest to the best of my bias-riddled human ability absolutely helps me sleep at night. For example, I recently had a conversation with my Dad, a Lebanese secularist who was politically active in the 60s and 70s (read: has a lot of anti-israeli bias), in which we got talking about the situation in Gaza. Over the past year, I've been systematically identifying my pro-israeli bias, especially that grounded in my exposure to western media. This puts me in a disadvantaged place for getting history lessons from him -- but when he insinuated that there's no such thing as an Israeli non-combatant, I had to stop the conversation because both my skeptical heuristics (intellectual honesty) and my ethical heuristics (dispositional honesty) went off full-blast. I asked him to clarify his point in terms of things I can fact check, and he should do the same.
Sure, it's good to hang a question mark on your identity as a skeptic... but the rest of the time, be proud. Your -- our -- vigilance tends to fall on the good-investment side of the cost-benefit balance.
> they’re bringing in an independent HR consultant soon to do an evaluation of our practices
Good. How soon?
> if she had done this to someone else, I would talk to her about it
That's a great way to frame it. I recommend this be your approach. If the HR consultant is slated to come within the month, I would wait for them. Otherwise... yeah, you will need to have that difficult conversation.
This book is a good resource for that:
https://www.amazon.ca/Difficult-Conversations-Discuss-What-Matters/dp/0143118447
There's this book
and this one- Both are on my 'to-read' list that seems to grow longer every year I'm in practice.
http://www.amazon.com/Difficult-Conversations-Discuss-What-Matters/dp/0143118447 is a great book for this sort of thing.
I do suggest talking to her privately not as a group. People are more receptive to "bad things" one on one than they are in a group, where they're also performing for the group to not lose their esteem.
Getting To Yes. Others may recommend other resources, but I think this is a great one!.
QBQ. The Question Behind the Question
The Phoenix Project: A Novel About IT, DevOps, and Helping Your Business Win
Rework
Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In
Gemba Kaizen: A Commonsense, Low-Cost Approach to Management
Time Management for System Administrators
I'm just finishing up Getting to Yes, put together by the Harvard Negotiation project. Highly recommend it!
Next on my list is No: The Only Negotiation System You Need by Jim Camp.
How to win friends and influence people may be a good start. Not necessarily on negotiating but lots of gold on basic interactions and communication.
As for books specifically on negotiating, I haven't read any. I've heard both Getting to Yes and Start with No are solid books on the topic.
I personally took an online course many years ago, it wasn't cheap by any means but over the years it more than paid for itself. Try these first, if it doesn't work out, send me a PM and I'll gladly point you to some.
First, congratulations!
It's different work and while it's still technical it's now about people but it can be learned. Find a mentor who is not your boss. Seriously. It's good to have one or more advocates in the organization because there are limits to what "push" vs "pull" can achieve but it's their advice that you need to reduce your mistakes and effectively review them afterward.
I'll add to the book recommendations already here (The Phoenix Project, Team of Teams, Leaders Eat Last) and suggest:
Good luck!
That's just a negotiating tactic. This book helped me a lot in this regard: https://www.amazon.ca/Getting-Yes-Negotiating-Agreement-Without/dp/0143118757/ref=pd_bxgy_14_img_2?_encoding=UTF8&amp;psc=1&amp;refRID=9WANC3TF7MWSE16221NP
This! Yes, absolutely. I learned this in my Divorce/Mediation class for my degree in Marriage and Family Counseling. Great technique.
This book has helpful information on this technique.
The best way to learn is just go out there and talk to people as much as possible, but if you want to read, Harvard Business School books are pretty good for that. You might be interested in their set on Emotional Intelligence. Check out their other books too, though.
I personally learned the most from Getting to Yes, a book by a Harvard team about negotiation. This is sort of far from what you are asking about, but it actually contains important general advice about talking to people. Before reading it, I was extremely skeptical of any sort of self-help book or learning about social skills from books, but it is really quite good.
Two random thoughts from my own experience:
You sound like an interesting person! I think introvertedness is underrated. I'm really introverted, too. I've wanted to read this book for a long time.
I, too, love food. It's probably what I spend most of my money on. I love cooking and eating out and snacking!
Canada is totally beautiful. What's your dog's name? Are you going to reveal your movie list on RAOA? (Please do.)
I thought this book explained it nicely:
https://www.amazon.com/Quiet-Power-Introverts-World-Talking/dp/0307352145/ref=tmm_hrd_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&amp;qid=&amp;sr=
You might want to read this book:
http://www.amazon.com/Quiet-Power-Introverts-World-Talking/dp/0307352145/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1341268548&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=Quiet%3A+The+Power+of+Introverts
This paragraph might make you sound uncharacteristically ignorant, but maybe you should read this article about this book. Basically, if you're anything like this paragraph, you don't understand most knowledge workers, and most knowledge workers understand you all too well. You should educate yourself to become a better person!
If you want another book to read about introversion, I've been reading through Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking and it's been pretty good so far. It seems to have a strong focus on the workplace rather than general day-to-day, but that could be something useful for your career. Apparently we can blame Harvard for our problems.
Extroverts that expect other people to act like they do. Like enjoying small talk, easily making eye contact, or crushing someones hand when you shake.
Especially people who don't read
I was recently given the book Quiet. I haven't read it yet, but it might be along the lines of what you're looking for.
Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking
This book helped me realise why I always get nervous and start to panic whenever my friends and I decide to do something, or whenever I get ready to present a presentation or anything that involves socialising, really. It opened my eyes to how many types of people there are and how to communicate as well as better yourself without changing who you really are.
You should check this out.
http://www.amazon.com/Games-People-Play-Transactional-Analysis/dp/0345410033
He definitely has anger issues. Raising the voice, cutting you off. When he starts raising his voice you can choose to pause the discussion. Leave it as it is and change the topic or go to another room so you can cool down too. You can bring up active listening - hearing someone out before interrupting them. That means you must do the same but it sounds like you already are.
For you, just stop talking and disengage when he starts yelling and say clearly, "I'm not going to stand here while you're yelling at me." Yelling can be considered a form of abuse if it's frequent and used as a form of manipulation or overriding of your needs. In therapy it's sometimes called verbal violence. So don't put up with it. He can change or you can walk. You should be strong with that and protect yourself. If you feel exhausted all the time dealing with him, it's possible he really is an emotional manipulator and abuser.
With playing back the recordings, he doesn't like being shown he's wrong and he doesn't want to make the effort to change. So as soon as he raises his voice you can hold your hand up and say, "Pause! We're pausing this conversation until you can speak to me in a normal voice. Period."
It does sound like he is a gaslighter as someone else here mentioned. They will always say things like you're the only person who accuses him of anger, etc. They learn it from their parents when they're young and then use it to sharpen their knives on everyone around them. If I was your friend I would say to get away from this person. You don't even want to become used to that kind of behavior because it will lead you to more people like that.
You could move back in with your parents or ask for a couple months rent so you can get an apartment. Sharing an apartment with a friend means you can get more of an apartment - 2 bedroom vs a studio, etc. There are always options. If you feel like there are no options it's just because you are under stress and tired. "Zoom out" as they say and look at the bigger picture. If you had a friend in your situation right now how would you advise them?
Be strong for yourself! This relationship doesn't sound to me like it's what will be good for you in the long run but you have to make that decision yourself. Hang in there! Be true to yourself.
Edit: There's an interesting book called Games People Play I found out about in a class I took at Anger Management Classes. It's basically about revealing the little social interactions that play out over and over again without realizing what is going on sometimes and how they feed emotions of certain people. Some of the stories were just unhinged to me and I wondered if I would be able to spot them when I was near them in real life and actually, I feel this book kind of inoculated me against people who play certain games. There's also the Travis McGee novel The Deep Blue Good-By (1964) that really messed me up reading about how some men really are manipulative predators. Take care of yourself.
I found psychology books were the most helpful for me, in particular I like Nurture by Nature. As much as MBTI is a sham, this book doesn't really try to place everyone into a little box but tries to explore the differences between personality types as it relates to parenting, using the MBTI more like reference points and understandable words than prescriptive categories.
Another good book that is interesting, though I don't agree with a lot of it, is Games People Play. This is just an interesting look into the psychology behind social interactions, it's a bit too prescriptive for my liking but it's a good resource for broadening your thinking all the same. Not really a parenting book though, but it does still explore ideas that are useful to know for parent-child interactions and a view of how they change as a child matures. Honestly, the theory at the start was the most interesting part of the book for me rather than the actual 'games'.
Not to be rude or anything, but I've been a dog walker and trainer casually for a while and honestly, positive reinforcement dog training advice is surprisingly useful. Zak George in particular is great for teaching puppies and younger dogs, and a lot of the reasoning behind why the training works is applicable to babies and toddlers, especially due to the similarities because of a communication barrier. So if you want a tongue in cheek 'parenting' book I'm sure there's something available down that avenue as well.
> I never really have to think about a guy pretending to be my friend because he wants to have sex with me...
Guys don't pretend to be friends to sleep with girls. Guys are friends with girls but also want to be more than that. It's usually when the guy realises that the friendship consists of them giving whilst getting nothing in return that they decide to end it.
Also, the friend who said this to you isn't much of a friend. Eric Berne wrote a rather good book called Games People Play that although quite hard to digest explains the sort of behavior your "friend" is engaging in.
It's called "transactional analysis" where a "child" who the "adults" have treated as a child for a long time tries to be treated as an equal. It's one of the transitions that occurs as a person approaches adulthood, some more successfully than others. I like Games People Play by Eric Berne, but there are several others doing similar analysis. Don't push too hard, just open an adult dialogue and decline to interact as a child. It may take some time. In the meantime, you could always do a bunch of phone banking ;)
Games people play by Eric Berne. A fascinating read, very small book with a great way to explain why some people react the way they do. Also Flow by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi . This book is a pain in the ass to read, but once I got through it for the first time, I keep it close, like a bible. http://www.amazon.com/The-Art-Loving-Erich-Fromm/dp/0061129739
The Art of Loving, by Eric Fromm, again, amazing lay read book.
Hope you enjoy!
Sounds to me like you're sorta basing your happiness on external factors. Learn to just enjoy yourself. Every time you meet a girl don't think about your ex, and don't think about the potential LTR/f-close yet (I'm assuming you're game isnt very good because of that 7 year relationship). Everyone is special (in some way at least) and try to find that in her, might help. Or just man up and start sarging till you get over this ;)
Read Intimate Connections by David Burns (here) it'll help a lot. If you can't afford it or its not at a local library, you can find the pdf easily enough.
Try reading Intimate Connections - It's an evidence-based approach to tackling loneliness and building better relationships. It will help you understand and tackle the underlying attitudes that are making it hard for to connect with others, perhaps enabling you to comprehend "this weird arrogant, entitled, envious, fearful, slothful, immature, shallow, foolish part of myself".
http://www.succeedsocially.com/ is also a great place to look
I'd also encourage finding ways to regularly interact with others - meetup.com is a good place to start as there are lots of free options that cater to a variety of interests and welcome anyone who wants to join.
You gotta love yourself first and foremost. Always.
This book can help you. I highly recommend it. It's old but great. Please buy it.
https://www.amazon.com/Intimate-Connections-David-D-Burns/dp/0451148452
So you're saying there's still a chance!
Honestly though, the way you're describing her shows that you're probably still in love. That's cool and all but perhaps look at how great you are. What special skills do you have? How did you get there? It was probably due to practice, lots of it. Socializing I found is the same, if I wanted to focus in it, I can be social, but generally I'm not and I'm fine with that. I have other abilities that enjoy using to make life fun (in my case it's programming), and truly enjoy helping others.
Check out this book that really helped me on my journey: https://www.amazon.com/Intimate-Connections-David-D-Burns/dp/0451148452/ref=sr_1_fkmr1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1536795998&amp;sr=8-1-fkmr1&amp;keywords=dr+david+burns+intimate+connection
It's an oldie but a very goodie. Good luck brother!
Read "Feeling Good" and "Intimate Connections" by David D. Burns.
I studied these books, and they greatly helped me overcome my loneliness/depression. They aren't bullshit pseudoscience hippie self-help books. The advice they give is simple, and I can pretty much guarantee your life will improve if you follow them.
Since you're familiar with CBT, have you read Intimate Connections by David Burns. I'm only a little ways through it, but I really like it thus far.
https://www.amazon.com/Billion-Wicked-Thoughts-Internet-Relationships/dp/0452297877/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1484359923&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=a+billion+wicked+thoughts
Genies do weird things when you use wishes. You never know what the mail lady actually wished for in her most secret and private moments.
I'm not confident I can answer this with much accuracy, but I'll try. I recall an experiment in rats that generated female sexual behavior in male rats by implanting electrodes at certain sites in the brain. This result suggests that some female brain structures exist in the male brain, and it's possible that these are being accessed by sissies. You can read about it in A Billion Wicked Thoughts by Ogi Ogas. Here is a speech by him - it's some really fascinating stuff.
Am ajuns cam târziu, dar vreau să vă recomand o carte despre sexualitate, internet, diferența dintre lume (bărbați, femei, homosexuali, transgender, etc.) și o groază de data analizate statistic. Am învățat o groază din ea, mai ales la diferențele de la bărbați la femei, ce ăsteptări au și cât de ușor pot fi dezamăgite aceste ăsteptări. În mare aș putea zice că bărbații sunt mult mai rapizi la a face actule sexual, iar femeiile își doresc mai mult ceva stabil cu multe sentimente. Evidenti există și excepții, dar în medie cam așa e.
A billion wicked thoughts
Sexuality is actually pretty complex and the idea that people neatly fit into social categories like "heterosexual" and "homosexual" is quite strange if you think about and research the matter. I think you are making a lot of assumptions about what it feels or looks like to be bisexual (or have dual sexual attraction) and this is causing you a lot of confusion and obsession. The obsessive doubt and fear absolutely plays a major role in the gay or bisexual experience of being in the closet or not having fully come to terms with your self and desires.
I think what you should do is see a therapist or psychologist with a sex background. They will be able to provide you with information and evidence that will allow you to contextualize your thoughts and feelings. Part of it is probably related to the porn but part of it is likely not, and you will probably benefit from having things disentangled and laid out for you. I think what you're mainly suffering from right now is confusion due to lack of knowledge. I suggest you spend some time researching the biology and psychology of sexual attraction.
Here is a site I've found helpful:
An article you might find interesting or relatable: https://www.thecut.com/2017/02/how-straight-men-explain-their-same-sex-encounters.html
A really interesting book about internet porn and sexual desire: https://www.amazon.com/Billion-Wicked-Thoughts-Internet-Relationships/dp/0452297877
Google talk of aforementioned book: https://youtu.be/p-A8GvUehq4
No, no, it's not the only thing we have! We have a comprehensive survey of porn and dating profile usage by women and men. It's called A Billion Wicked Thoughts.
https://www.amazon.com/Billion-Wicked-Thoughts-Internet-Relationships/dp/0452297877
Sure, buy, borrow or steal http://www.amazon.com/Billion-Wicked-Thoughts-Internet-Relationships/dp/0452297877/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1425514875&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=A+Billion+Wicked+Thoughts for more.
In the book A Billion Wicked Thoughts, the authors theorise straight guys that like feet are into into small feet because it signifies fertility - pregnant women have swollen feet.
Also, guys who do internet searches for straight foot fetish porn are also into dominatrix porn. Marketers in this industry know this and promote this sort of porn on the other's site. So yeah, feet and humiliation are linked.
Definitely! I bought this a while back, mainly because I liked its practical (clinical) approach based on using CBT in conjunction with exposure
Coincidentally, I decided my first exposure was to pay for the book at the bookstore counter instead of order it off amazon B)
> how does one improve social skills?
Reading some books on how to deal with social anxiety may help. This one has pretty good recommendations. Mark Manson also has an easy to read book.
For myself, I enjoy stoic literature. It's good to know that even during times of hell, you can still find some inner peace in your mind. The point of stoicism isn't to imagine that bad things don't happen, but that you are much more capable of dealing with terrible situations than you would otherwise think.
Some people will tell you "just don't care about what others think about you! Stop giving a shit!".
However, you can't do that. You evolved to be a social animal. You evolved to do your best to fit into a society. Our ancestors who didn't try to fit into the group likely died. You evolved to give some concern to what others think about you.
What you can do though: stop guessing what other people think about you. Do you actually know what they think about you? How can you be sure?
Here's a great book that I push on Reddit because it helped me so much: LINK. It calls guessing at what other people think about you "mind reading". It encourages you to realize that you really have no idea what others are thinking about you. You can guess, but you'll likely be wrong most of the time anyway, so it's best if you just avoid doing it.
TL;DR: Don't try to stop caring; that's impossible. Try to stop guessing because you suck at guessing.
Learn some cognitive behavioral techniques. The key to it is to question these thoughts 24/7. If you let these automatic thoughts run freely, they'll never change. You have to get a notebook and use the double column technique, identify the distortions and deliver alternative thoughts. Do that for 15 minutes every day for 4 weeks and your anxiety will have dropped a lot. There are many books that describe the techniques (like this or this). CBT works, you just have to stick with it and do it every day.
https://ibb.co/fCygPWZ
https://ibb.co/s61P32w
Couldn't post pictures so here's some links. This book saved me.
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0465005454/ref=ppx_yo_mob_b_inactive_ship_o0_img?ie=UTF8&amp;psc=1
I have the second edition
There are some great resources online and even an app for self-guided CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). I know with my insurance, I can even do online therapy sessions through video chat. There is a book called Overcoming Social Anxiety and Shyness: A Self-Help Guide Using Cognitive Behavioral Techniques by Gillian Butler which helped me out too.
As far as meditation, there are lots of resources on the internet for mindfulness meditation. I've been really liking the headspace app and the first 10 introductory guided sessions are free.
For medication you obviously have to find a doctor. If they want to prescribe anything as serious as SSRIs, you should probably find a psychiatrist rather than just rely on your primary care physician. There are a lot of medications out there and it can be a pain in the butt finding one that works well for you.
I suppose the case could be made that the carrot and stick approach (extrinsic motivation) was more effective than intrinsic motivation. Of course, that has been thoroughly refuted. You could also make the case that people are too damn lazy to internalize morals, and that religion offers a short cut - if this is true, I imagine it would be more likely to do with the huge amount of effort already expended on religious teachings; and given how closely people follow biblical morals (read: not at all except for those they internalize already) I have serious doubts it's even true to that extent.
It depends on how old the students are. If they're young, simple redirection works well. If a child is too loud then I will get down to their level and speak in a softer voice and try to engage them. Whether it be in conversation or ask them what they need.
Older kids, I'm not as skilled but soft music can help. Instrumental, think Harry Potter or Star Wars music. The Marvel films are really big right now, they might respond well to hearing the familiar motifs. They're all on Spotify, maybe you could hook up a company laptop or your smart phone to some speakers. Not too loud though.
Language is really important. Kids don't respond well, or even know how to respond to negative directives. When a child hears "Don't yell" they can really only process the word yell. If someone wants a child to not run, they have to say "Walk" instead of "Don't run". "Don't run" keeps the word "run" in their head but without an alternative. A child might think "Can I skip/lay on the floor/hop/jump/etc." But if a child hears walk they are more likely to walk as they heard it in concrete terms. They may have trouble at first but it's all a part of the process.
I'm not a big fan of tangible rewards personally. If you're interested you can check out:
http://www.amazon.com/Punished-Rewards-Trouble-Incentive-Praise/dp/0618001816
A couple of books worth checking out, both by Alfie Kohn:
Punished by Rewards
Beyond Discipline
Thanks a lot for the kudos. It means a lot to me to be understood and make sense.
Yes, extrinsic motivation tend to do that. I should be even more clear on that point. It's really the underlying point: To much extrinsic motivation kill the fun (intrinsic)
Great games to me has a good balance between intrinsic and extrinsic rewards.
In Guildwars 2 I'd like to see more status rewards like titles and badges and less "stuff". It would still be extrinsic rewards, but, intangible extrinsic rewards tend to work better with the int/ ext balance, I think.
The experiment with drawing is great, almost forgot about that one. Thanks for reminding me.
There's one with teachers too. The teachers get a higher salary if their students get better test results. Resulting in crowding out the intrinsic motivation in teaching.
Can't remember the details, ever heard of it?
Note to self: Buy and read "Punished by Rewards"
You make an interesting point. Though I have heard of the research you allude to, and of a book that makes a similar argument (Punished by Rewards: The Trouble with Gold Stars, Incentive Plans, A's, Praise, and Other Bribes), I must confess to being a bit skeptical.
If it's true that adding money to the equation makes developers lose motivation, how do you explain all the successful kickstarters out there, all the successfull donation-ware software, or all the successfull commercial software in the world?
Also, specifically on the subject of Magit, do you now expect Magit's lead developer to do less work on Magit now that he's fully funded? I know I personally expect great things now that he can focus completely on Magit without having to worry about money.
About your implication that Emacs developers are writing Emacs code for fun: I'm not sure if that's universally true. I think in most cases they're scratching an itch: they have some problem and they want to solve it, and incidentally also want to share the code with the world. They're not going to suddenly stop having problems they want to solve if they get money, and I don't think they're going to stop actually solving them or sharing the results if they get money either.
On the other hand, I do think there's some truth in what you say. I think the easiest way to turn a fun hobby in to drudgery is to be forced to do it day in and day out, whether you feel like it or not, with loss of control over direction or quality, with having to answer to all sorts of people that don't understand what you do and don't care about, and only care about using you as a tool to make themselves more money -- in short, by turning the hobby in to a stressful job. But as you can see, there are a lot more factors that go in to making a hobby in to a stressful job than merely adding money.
You've first got to give up the habit of worrying. Read Dale Carnegie on worrying
Well, I don't really read self-help books or books about life. (got a few other book suggestions for dry histories and sciences, but that's OT). But I've read a good bit of How to stop
worrying and start living which was pretty good. I hear Carnegie's other books are good too.
Personally I think that everyone has to find their own path in life. While books may have the answer for some, I don't want to spend my life researching how to spend your life. The way I see it, as long as you are marginally happy with your current situation, and you have a good goal to work towards, then you are in a good position. Otherwise, do what it takes to get to that point. That's basically what some of the books will tell you anyway.
Sorry I couldn't suggest anything more in this reply.
Hi there. I can't imagine what you are going through and I wish your mother all the best during this time. You can surely agree that the drinking has to stop, right? Drinking because of a shitty situation doesn't it make it go away and usually just makes it worse. I know you know that obviously.
I recently read a book called How to Stop Worrying and Start Living (pretty famous author and book so you might know it). It says that it's best to evaluate the worst case scenario, accept that it is possible and prepare a plan of action for it. If you are prepared for the worst case then you can definitely handle a less severe outcome if you get lucky.
We're here to listen. I hope you stay sober today, piece together a plan of action, tell your mom how much you love her and start building yourself back up. You can do it.
Also thank you for reminding me why I needed to quit. I don't have any legal consequences from drinking but I bet it could easily happen if I had kept binge drinking. It's just not worth it.
Reading the 'How to stop worrying' book description just now, two thoughts come to mind. Worry is beneficial so long as it doesn't get out of control, and if it is out of control, I'd consult professional help long before seeking help through a book.
A semi-alternative to therapy is to find a web forum for your specific issue -- at least you're still communicating with other people. Reddit is welcoming if you can ignore the occasional arsehole. There is /r/selfhelp/.
It might just be hormone related. There's no real reason other than you're an animal like the rest of us. Hang in there. You are certainly not alone. Try and get out of your head and think about solving other people's problems.
Carnegie has a pretty good book about work stress for your hubby: http://www.amazon.com/How-Stop-Worrying-Start-Living/dp/0671733354
"...it doesn't seem like he cares and is just over it."
You saying that stood out to me and might be something to reflect on.
I don't know exactly your situation, but it kinda sounds like the relationship might no longer be a fit for him. I would recommend reading this book. I was feeling exactly how you were about my relationship, and it really help me see the relationship for what it was: https://www.amazon.com/dp/product-description/0767921968
I swallowed my pride and started reading/listening to self help books. Based on other people's recommendations:
www.amazon.com/dp/0767921968 - funny and made me feel better if just for a few days; somewhat targeted towards women but I found it helpful
www.amazon.com/dp/1478121734 - finished it in less than hour and trying to follow its mantra.. strangely, I think it might be helping. Too early to tell but it's interesting.
I e-borrowed the first one from my library. Maybe possible with the second one too.
Hey Bean!
My mom always knows what I'm thinking! She's so sweet and we're really close.
[This book would be so awesome] (http://www.amazon.com/dp/0767921968/ref=wl_it_dp_o_pd_nS_ttl?_encoding=UTF8&amp;colid=26SWLD702LW5B&amp;coliid=I3RRLV88VVV9JZ)
Thanks for the contest!
INTERNET HUGS !! <3
And you can read this : http://www.amazon.com/Its-Called-Breakup-Because-Broken/dp/0767921968 I know it seems super cheesy but it helped me a lot.
Honestly, he sounds like a dreadful person. I know it hurts a lot now, and I wish as well there were something that could help speed it up. But it's all part of the process to get you to the new, better place you're going. And you'll get there!
Also, I have not read this nor am I affiliated with it, but I hear positive things: http://www.amazon.com/Its-Called-Breakup-Because-Broken/dp/0767921968
Hugs!
It's called a break up because it's broken.
Buy it, read it, know that the reason you feel sad is for the guy you loved and trusted, not for the guy who lied to you and flirted with other girls because you were "on a break".
Amazon link to book It's sort of cheesy, of course, but it actually helped me a lot and I passed it on to a friend who also found it helpful.
First of all, I'm so sorry. I know the pains of not being able to eat, being anxiety ridden, on the verge of tears, and feeling like I'm going to jump out of my skin from a terrible break up. After 4 years of dating, and our last year being on and off, because I kept finding out about all of the times he had cheated on me, and the final straw was when I walked in on him making out with the town slut. I had tried to make it work, and was devastated that my efforts were just shrugged off like I was nothing.
I cried for what felt like forever, and drinking wine at night was the only way for me to get any sleep. THANKFULLY, a girl friend that I wasn't so close with at the time, but had also gone through the most traumatizing break up I've ever heard of, messaged me and said we need to meet up for beer. I did, and the first thing she did was whip out a book called, "It's Called a Break Up Because It's Broken". After she said it was by the same guy who wrote, "He's Just Not That Into You", but convinced me to read it, and I thought, what the hell, it seemed to help her to be strong after her bad break up.
LET ME TELL YOU, I laughed out loud, wept and cried, and found myself whimpering in a heartbreaking voice, "Yeah I know..." It helped me build myself back up, gave me a set of rules to follow, and I couldn't be happier that I "left" that relationship completely.
Some Key Points that I followed from the book that really helped was the No Contact for 60 Days (at the least). It goes more into detail about how to go about this, and this was always the hardest for me, since I am so stubborn, and wanted to fix the problem with the problem.
Another one is, after being sad for a little bit, you have to stop being sad and get out. That means go travel to other cities, and switch up the scene a little bit. After about 3 weeks of crying, I planned out the next three weekends to be out of town, and that was the best decision for me. The first weekend I went to Key West, FL, the next I went to see my best and oldest friend (and ended up having so much fun that I was laughing in my sleep), and then NYC to see friends up there. I met so many people, and remembered, "Oh yeah, I'm awesome, and a happy person.."
The thing that sucks about break ups the most is that it takes time. Just remember it's all so temporary, and that this you are just in the thick of it right now, but you are strong enough to get through it.
Good Luck, and please post us with any progress in the coming weeks!
http://www.amazon.com/Its-Called-Breakup-Because-Broken/dp/0767921968/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1405871724&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=it%27s+called+a+breakup+because+it%27s+broken
It is sooo hard. Like you have all this information about the person: oh, they like Pacman, this is how they eat pancakes, favorite color...all this real estate in your head that's taken up by their old storage. It SUCKS. But you know what, it fades. It does. Something that really helped me get through the worst breakup of my life was this book: https://www.amazon.com/Its-Called-Breakup-Because-Broken/dp/0767921968
It's cheesy but it will help you feel better.
You're the cutest, for real. I'd hang out with you in a split second. Like my heart had an actual pang over your picture, "friend!"
This may sound really silly but I /highly/ recommend this book It's Called A Breakup Because It's Broken
It's funny, and charming, and realistic and uplifting all at the same time.
> 1) How long have you been No Contact?
I believe today is day 6. Last contact was last Tuesday.
> 2) What physical feature do you like most about yourself?
Hard one, but if anything, keeping my silver streak which some millennial colleagues I work with reminds them of a super hero that he more or less disparaged, I can grow in. For some reason I like my streak, though the other silver (gray) seems mousy at times, I really dig it, and well damn, it took me a long time to get this silver and I'm glad I'm going silver in a pretty cool manner.
> 3) What do you like most about your personality?
The words the replacement to a former colleague I was close to was leaving our company pretty much said it in word I couldn't use to explain myself and nearly floored when she said it as I used to be in her department, thrown into a more stressful position (by choice, expereince, culture) that she said to me "It was obvious that you were in stressful, high pressure situations and the face for your department. Yet what will stick with me is that no matter how it was apparent, sometimes in your tone, you always seemed to be calm, informed, even if you weren't fully, but you always assured "We'll get through this".
She was spot on; that' is my mantra at work, at home, with my family, and even now my ex-bf "We'll get through this" and "We'll see what we can do." and if not sure, my response "We'll find out".
I just know doing Helpdesk stuff that I need to keep it positive and apparently it bled into personal avenues. That rocks!
> 4) Have you gotten outside for at least 30 minutes (weather permitting) in the last 24 hours? Have you done any sort of exercise in the last 24 hours?
Yes, I got outside. I love the cool air. Exercise, no. Not conventioally though I did spend about an hour to almost 2 hours going through things, lifting, and throwing out. Perhaps not the gym, but I de-cluttered and rid of things I meant to for a few weeks, months, and aim to do more ridding of shit in my home.
> 5) Name a song, movie, TV show, or book (or any / all) that has helped you work through your break up. Maybe something that's helped you think about it differently or perhaps something that's just made you laugh.
Interesting question. Yesterday was my "take care of me day" and I watched the movies I suggested to him that he didn't want to watch for several bullshit reasons though he is a self proclaimed avid movie enthusiast. I watched Interstellar, 12 years a slave, and "Good Night and Good Luck".
I texted my oldest daughter that the realiztion that my movie choices had an essence of heart and doing right in all of them. Something he seems to not be able to connect to in his movie choices and in real life. He thinks life is about $ and I go by heart, and like to surround myself and want my adult children to be surrounded with people that have heart.
I realized he doesn't have 'the heart' and he also is a shitty partner that for every one movie that was my choice he watched, there were about 300 he decided that I watched.
Oh... as to recommended reading from break ups I had in the past, the book "It's Called a Break Up Because It's Broken" Co-written by the same guy who wrote the "he's not that into you" episode of Sex in the City.
When I went through my divorce, which was far more dramatic, hard to deal with, I threw myself into literature (internet was kinda new) of anything historical mainly biographies about WWII and the struggles. It helped me to keep in mind tha if I thought I was having a rough time? Yea, I'm not away from my family for several years, on a pacific island made of volcanic shards, fighting an enemy I can't see... Okinawa... then add into tha the Band of Brothers type stuff... it kept me humble that while my struggle was real, that there are others who suffered more and for the greater good of our country. It helped keep my suffering, pain in perspectve and realized I needed to find a purpose as a mother.
I am on Day 52 of 60 of breaking up with Doritos and McD's - see it's called a breakup because it's broken for inspiration.
If I can, you can too!
It's Called a Breakup because it's Broken. It really helped me stay away from a guy that was really really bad for me. It was my first real relationship and I thought it was forever. It helped me realize it didn't have to be forever just because I loved him.
http://www.amazon.com/Its-Called-Breakup-Because-Broken/dp/0767921968
That would be an interesting question for research, if one were so inclined. If you've not read Party of One: The Loner's Manifesto, I would commend it you. Amazon Smile Link
Socially awkward, introverts, loners....we are in good company. Isaac Newton, Anne Rice, Michelangelo, Haruki Murakami, Barry Bonds. I HIGHLY RECOMMEND the book Party of One: The Loner's Manifesto.
You might want to check out this book sometime:
http://www.amazon.com/Party-One-Manifesto-Anneli-Rufus/dp/1569245134
When I'm feeling down about being extremely introverted, even just a glance through it can make me feel a lot better about myself.
Extroverts really can't appreciate this concept and often get aggressive to whomever claims it (as you can clearly see from the replies to this and other comments you've made) because it is so outside of their world view.
Theres a great book called Party of One: The Loner's Manifesto that has a great quote about this, but I unfortunately don't have it on hand at the moment. Trying to track it down using Amazon...
___
EDIT: Found it. Sorry its so long, but I feel it hits the nail on the head. I trimmed it some:
> Of all the ways in which loners are demonized, one of the most insidious regards our capacity for friendship. The crucial distinction fails to be made between a capacity for friendship, for relationship, and for companionship: the time actually spent in others' presence. Seeing us alone, the mainstream jumps to conclusions: that we have no friends, want no friends, are not capable of finding friends. They conclude that loners are either too mean for friends, or too unlikable. Too misanthropic, too angry to entertain the possibility of kindred souls. Too spaced out, too selfish, inane, inscrutable, withdrawn to attract any even we wanted to...
> ... Of course loners have friends. Fewer than most nonloners have, maybe. But loners, with our extra capacity for concentration, focus, our fewer distractions, make excellent friends. To a few. One, maybe, but a real one.
> But why do nonloners care? Why don't they cheer because the fewer friends we have, the more potential friends for them? They care because they need a universal currency by which to judge us. And friendship is something they all understand. A nonloner need not be smart, skilled, or in any way distinguished to have friends. Sometimes it seems the least distinguished acquire friends the easiest, giggling and jostling strings of chums. Instant collectives. All their lives, nonloners have dealt in this currency...
> ...And based on what they see, they say we lack friends. Thus we lack value. And by this standard alone, the friend standard, our characters are assassinated universally.
> It is all a mistake.
> For some loners, a paucity of friends is a matter of time. There is simply too much to do alone, no time to spare. Shared time, while not entirely wasted if the sharer is a true friend, must be parceled out with care... And time shared, even with true friends, often requires loners to put in extra time alone, overtime, to recharge. It is a matter of energy: As a rule, loners have less for the social machinery, the talk and sympathy. Our fuel runs out. This is what nonloners don't understand about us, what they cannot see. We do not choose to have such tiny fuel tanks. These can be quite inconvenient. They are why we seem rude, when we do, why we seem bored and often are. Spaced-out and often are. Running on empty.
> Not heartless. Not unappreciative. Not fools. We know the rest of the world has big tanks. We know they don't know.
> ...The average nonloner seems able to stand hours and hours with almost anyone. Sometimes it seems they would rather have anyone around than no one. The absence of friends, at least companions, is by their lights an abomination. The result, from a loner's standpoint, is that many nonloner friendships are matters of default. Of convenience. Such high tolerance for company, we might argue, makes for much lower standards. To say loners must be choosy sounds stuck-up -- the very charge nonloners always throw at us --- but regarding friends, it is true.
> ...Nonloners have a set of rules by which friendship is played... Loners play by a different set of rules. Ours is a smaller set. A simpler set. A purer set. Critics would call it rudimentary, unreasonable, skewed. They do not understand that what we have to give is not always what others have to give.
> We care. We feel. We think. We do not always miss the absent one. We cannot always come when called. Being friends with a loner requires patience and the wisdom that distance does not mean dislike.
> Troubles always ensue when assumptions clash, when expectations do not match. Nonloners who wish to be our friends --- and they do, it happens all the time --- arrive assuming that their rule book is the only rule book. We are aware of their rules, just as immigrants come to recognize words in the language of their adopted nations, yet speak their own languages at home. We are aware of their needs. Their idea of fun, their entreaties, their sense of time and how much is enough --- these are all too familiar. Not sharing them makes us outlaws and, before we know it, we are being called bad friends
No, you are not alone.
First thing, I recommend you check out Party of One: The Loner's Manifesto. I recommend it often and I think the author will resonate with you.
Secondly, if you want to make some friends you're going to have to move out of your comfort zone. Join a club, or something like that which will initially give you a framework within which to talk to people you meet there who should share at least one common interest. How do you progress from 'acquaintance' to good friend? Fucked if I know, I'm still trying to work out that bit.
Party of One: The Loners' Manifesto - Anneli Rufus
Gives a pleasant perspective on the extroverted world and provides comfort to introverts. Overall, a fun read.
As others have said, you are probably an introvert. I bought this a couple of months ago but haven't had a chance to read it yet. Maybe it'll be helpful to you.
You know, you don't have to "fit in" or do anything you don't want to do. You want to be hermit? Be a hermit. You want to be a healthy introvert that has healthy, introvert-style social interactions? Then be that.
It sounds like you need some validation. I was there once. I recommend this book: http://www.amazon.com/Party-One-The-Loners-Manifesto/dp/1569245134. Give it a read. It's written by an introverted woman who has been there, done that, came out on the other side, and can tell you that being introverted is what you make of it, and there are lots of us out here that live wonderful, introverted lives. It is very much possible.
Yes, if you try and pretend you're an extrovert and you try to act in an extroverted way, you'll end up being miserable. Yes, as an introvert, you will be the life of a party, the center of attention, etc. less often than if you were extroverted.
However, primarily, it sounds like you've got some social anxiety issues. I've been there and done that as well. You CAN work through it and learn to not be so goddamn anxious in social situations. Social anxiety is not forever.
You're young. Everything feels so urgent and immediate when you're young, and I know it seems like OMG IS THIS FOREVER?!? It's not forever, though. Hell, my teenage years were easily the worst in my life. Every year of my life since then has been WAAAAY better.
So you'll get through this. Be patient. You don't need to have all the answers right now. Just know that you'll figure it out when you need to. And really, don't worry too much about whether your mom really, truly understands you. You just need to understand you.
Finally, here's another way to look at things: Introverts might be in the minority on this earth, but LGBT people are an even smaller minority (maybe 1 in 10), and yet somehow manage to get through EVERYONE not understanding them. And many end up living long, fabulous lives.
Have you read Party of One: The Loners' Manifesto yet? You must.
Don't worry about whether you "appear" boring to others. They have no idea of all the thoughts and ideas that flood our minds. You just need to find people like yourself, people who don't need others for energy or to feel alive like extroverts do.
You're in college so you might think that if you're not hanging out at the frat parties or you're not hanging out in the popular people's dorm rooms shootin' the shit with everyone else, that you're being anti-social. Been there, done that. Find the club—or start one (get an extrovert to help you spread the word)—that organizes relatively small groups to play board games (the people who gravitate to board game nights are usually our type of people). There are other introverts at college who do want to spend some time around others—but not a lot (need that recharge time)—to have deep discussions, talk about current events in meaningful ways, or maybe get a pizza and watch a favorite movie.
We're loners, but that doesn't mean we're alone (big distinction!). You will find your soul mate who gets you, who understands what it's like to be you, and he or she will likely not be an extrovert.
• Badass Ways to End Anxiety & Stop Panic Attacks!
I got this on a whim upon seeing the 5 star reviews, and I though, why not? It ended being an invaluable resource when I experienced a setback. It's a very casual, common sense, and at times humorous, approach to tackling anxiety. Read this, if nothing at all. The author also has an app with audio supplements as well as a weekly email with helpful tips you can subscribe to.
• The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook
This has tons of researched, science, and evidence-based information thats incredibly helpful. Definitely take the time to do the worksheets and practice. No matter how tedious, you can never do too much. Not to mention the fact that you can access to their online audio recordings once you register the book online. The audio files contain meditation, calming, and visualization techniques. The guided progressive muscle relaxation was a life saver before hitting the sack and waking up as calmly as possible. Tip: if you do fall asleep well after trying that, also try saying, "today is going to be a good day" the moment you wake up. It will drastically change how you approach your whole day, and helps with the onset of panic attacks.
• Daring Greatly by Brené Brown
Although this isn't geared towards anxiety, I found so many useful tools for approaching vulnerability and finding the bravery you need to go through the scary, dark parts of recovery. Very uplifting and enlightening.
• Notes on a Nervous Planet
I will simply quote a reviewer:
"As someone who suffers from depression and anxiety, Matt's writings help in letting me know that I'm okay. This book is exactly what I needed to read. We are living in a time that is hard to understand and sometimes letting go is necessary, but not to the point of recklessness. Matt seems to always find the right way to pinpoint the struggles of many and he has the ability to make us feel as if we are wrapped safe in a warm blanket."
That's great news, all of it! The fact that she owned up and apologised says very good things about her character, and hey, even if it doesn't work out there's clearly plenty of other fish.
Somewhat out of the blue, but you mention that you both did things you regretted... I recently read a book called Daring Greatly and it was a massive help to me to understand some of my behaviours and what to do about them. It's about vulnerability and shame. It sounds a bit hippy self-helpy, but the author is an academic researcher and it's solid stuff. I plug it to everyone I meet because I think it's really helpful.
I wonder if this book by Brene Brown would be helpful for you. Her ted talks are also really great, and an easy place to start :)
Not sure they fit 100% but:
Switch: How To Change Things When Change Is Hard
Redirect: The Surprising New Science Of Psychological Change
Brene Brown - Daring Greatly
Daring Greatly by Brene Brown isn’t about depression specifically but about underlying emotions like vulnerability, shame, and grief, and how these emotions can be turned to inspire love and joy. Depression or not, highly recommend to anyone and everyone.
While not specifically about social anxiety, "The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are" and "Daring Greatly" (Brené Brown) both have been helping me untangle a lot of my issues over the last few weeks.
If her TED talks speak to you ("The Power of Vulnerability" and "Listening to Shame"; don't be put off by the titles), give the books a try.
It's not exactly a new concept.
Guess this guy is pretty big in the alt-right for writing this book.
Maybe you should educate yourself. Now excuse me while I pleasure my waifu in VR because real women lie about being raped.
The book "So You've Been Publicly Shamed" by Jon Ronson is a really interesting read. This situation really reminds me of the cases he discusses in the book.
People get a real rush when they tear someone down. It's not a new phenomena. A smart guy named Jon Ronson wrote a book about it.
Social media took an ugly aspect of ourselves that was always there and force-fed it steroids by the fistful. Now it's a monster that's run amok.
Jon Ronson wrote a very interesting book about the effects of public shaming.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/So-Youve-Been-Publicly-Shamed/dp/1594487138
I'll just leave this here...
https://www.amazon.com/So-Youve-Been-Publicly-Shamed/dp/1594634017
Or read this book which features her story
Here are my own personal rankings, from what I liked the most to what I liked the least:
you don't need data, because any example of people losing their careers over feigned hysteria is far too much. don't know how it makes my view 'warped' if a person is fired over things posted to twitter or whatever, as if those very bare facts are somehow largely editorialized or something.
but hey, if you really care there's at least one book on the subject:
https://www.amazon.com/So-Youve-Been-Publicly-Shamed/dp/1594634017/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1491141481&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=so+you%27ve+been+publicly+shamed
Despite being complete opposite styles, anxious-preoccupied/avoidant-dismissive is actually one of the most common pairings when it comes to insecure attachment. You'll find that much of the literature speaks about these relationships discouragingly (anxious-preoccupied individuals are often advised to steer clear of avoidant individuals), but please don't let that get to you- it is certainly possible to move towards a functional relationship so long as both partners are interested in making an effort.
Most everything I've read on the topic is an academic book/article and would be difficult to understand, but I scoured the internet for anything that looked promising and found a few articles I find to be both accurate and suited to real-world application.
I love this short piece on understanding avoidant-dismissive attachment style, especially the suggestions for how to work towards becoming less avoidant in relationships.
This does a pretty good job of explaining anxious-preoccupied attachment (sometimes referred to as anxious-ambivalent attachment).
This article on making the anxious/avoidant relationship work has some good stuff if you also follow the links to the pages about communication and healthy relationships cited at the end of the article.
Although I have not read it myself, Attached comes highly recommended and I recognize one of the authors (Levine) as a researcher in the field.
Let me say that if your goal here is to address potential relationship issues with your girlfriend, I really suggest that you both read up on each other's attachment style- understanding each other's needs is just as important as understanding your own.
Please feel free to message me if you have further questions after reading. I'm by no means a substitute for speaking with a professional, but I do have other suggestions/helpful resources at my dispense depending on the nature of any specific problems you may be looking to address. Best of luck!
There's a book about attachment disorders that's pretty good.
https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Attachment-Find-Keep-Love-Find-ebook/dp/B0049H9AVU
Your situation it's more common than you think, good thing is that you have identified the problem. I read a book called Attached and I can't recommend it enough, there's a chapter where it talks about effective communication plus some advises. It will help you in your future relationships and maybe to understand why it didn't work with your ex. Remember it takes two to make a relationship work.
These books
Parenting from the inside out https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00HZ1E5BM/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&amp;btkr=1
as well as:
Attached https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Attachment-Find-Keep-Love-ebook/dp/B0049H9AVU/ref=sr_1_1_ha?s=digital-text&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1496770776&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=attached
were both recommended books by my T.
The latter is more focused on you yourself where as the first one is focused on how you can understand your own attachment as well as how to parent with a more secure attachment
If you haven't already, you should check out adult attachment theory. It sounds like you might have had experiences which lead you toward an avoidant attachment style. I'm one myself, and the good news is that such styles are malleable.
There's a great short read on the subject called Attached that helped a lot, but there's a ton of great websites on that as well.
it's this one: https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Attachment-Find-Keep-Love-ebook/dp/B0049H9AVU . who knows if this is the answer, but about 25% of the population have an anxious attachment style while about 25% are avoidant, so the chances of this being the case aren't that low though.
EDIT: good for him that he has a bro who cares, my BFF has gone through me through all the shit in my life, I love him more than a brother.
This book helped me a TON on understanding them. I finally understood the dynamics of my marriage and why things changed.
Here is a Wikipedia article on it, and here is a test you can take to see which type you fall under.
This article is also helpful.
Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain
Forever changed the way I perceive myself.
I read this book "Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking" It may be a best seller. It's loaded with insights.
Most journalists I've known are introverts. They work a room, force themselves to meet people, knock on doors, and seek out interviews because it's the only way to get at the truth, to tell the story. That's what motivates them. But they relish the quiet time to write, assemble the facts and craft a piece.
Extroverts have no special advantage in journalism, but they're probably better at social media than I am. But if I put on my junk psychology hat, it's possible that extroverts may be the ones to run social media operations, or move up the chain of command. I'll bet most introverts would rather remain as reporters than managers.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B004J4WNL2/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?ie=UTF8&amp;btkr=1
fellow introvert here! i highly recommend reading this book - i already knew i was an introvert when i read it, but there were sooooo many things discussed in the book that were mind blowing for me. it's really fascinating!
So this seems like a case of "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink". I'm sure that he understands what you're saying on an intellectual level but on an emotional one, he rejects it out of hand due to his conditioning earlier in life. This is probably compounded whenever he is put into a situation where he ends up shutting down, as he basically ends up seeing it as more proof of his "failure".
I don't have a lot of ideas other than perhaps seeing if he is willing to talk to someone in a therapy-like setting. You could also look at trying to find ways to slowly push his boundaries, something like some small get togethers with people he doesn't know well so that he is only a little bit out of his comfort zone.
Ultimately though this will all require him being on board with making changes as well, so sitting down with him and seeing what he is willing to do will be paramount. You'll want to continue to reiterate that you like him just how he is and that you just want him to feel better about himself when you do this.
One final thing would be to look at the book "Quiet: the power of introverts in a world that can't stop talking" (http://www.amazon.com/Quiet-power-introverts-world-talking-ebook/dp/B004J4WNL2) As a 33 year old shy, introvert guy myself, I found this book really interesting and that it offered some new perspectives on my own life long struggles. It didn't change my life overnight but it has helped me with some of my own self acceptance issues. You could maybe start here, read it yourself first and then offer it to him and see how that goes.
I did this a while ago, and I highly recommend it to anyone who feels the slightest bit socially awkward: make a goal for yourself to make small conversations with a new person for 30 days.
It could be talking about the cold winds of winter while to the stranger next to you at Starbucks. It could be asking somebody at a bar what they're drinking. And it could be asking the somebody on the floor of Best Buy to help you find something, and while you're making your way down the aisle ask them how their day is going.
I say small conversations and not small talk because small talk is usually "scripted" per se, like the classic "How are you doing?" "Fine, how about yourself?" that we're all conditioned to say. At Starbucks, after you mention the weather, ask them if they have any big plans for the day. At the bar ask them what they recommend. At Best Buy ask them if they're watching any good TV shows.
It's all about finding the connecting points, not about making an impression (unless it's a job interview). If there are no connecting points then so be it, you two probably wouldn't be good friends anyways. If the Best Buy attendant and you are both fans of Black Mirror then you know instantly you have something to talk about.
I used to train Parkour, and in Parkour we would do these things called a "dry run" (not sure if anybody else called it this). They were runs you did near the obstacle, or on something else similar to it, but they were safer. Although the movements were the same, the dry run usually was in a safe location, to help us mentally prepare for our full run.
Going out there and challenging yourself to speak to 30 new people in 30 days is much like the dry runs. Don't put any expectations on yourself, instead relish in the comfort that you're probably never ever going to see these people again, and because of that you are free to train safely.
Edit: Two books I recommend you read: How to Win Friends and Influence People, the most recommended self-help book because people of all walks of life are still trying to figure out other people. The book goes into detail on how to be an empathetic listener and why asking questions is the most important thing you can do. The second book I recommend is Quiet, by Susan Cain, which is pretty much How to Win Friend's mortal enemy if it had one. If you're like me and identify as an introvert, you've probably felt self conscious of your tendency to not talk as much as your peers, in Quiet Cain pretty much turns this taboo upside down, as she delves into the psychology of introversion vs extroversion. These two books changed the ways I interacted with others, and gave me some self acceptance and confidence in my temperament.
I had my first ever anxiety attack in late July. It was terrible, and I was in the hospital overnight. I thought I was having a heart attack (at 42). One Ativan brought me back, but I haven't been the same since.
Before it happened, I used to be able to control myself. Then overnight I just felt like I broke, snapped -- like I stepped too far off a cliff where I couldn't stop rolling down or recover. It was a bad spiral where I couldn't believe it was happening to me, and that there must be something wrong with me. I keep Ativan on me for times when I feel like I’m stepping off that cliff. (As an aside, my doctor did some blood tests and found my thyroid was low; I’m on a pill a day now to remedy it, and I think it’s helping.)
Shortly after the anxiety attack, the first thing I wanted was to just time-warp back to the way I was before it happened. However, after some introspection, I realized the culprit was my behaviors and mindset leading up to that event. So, there was no path to take but forward through it, and changing myself. Going back just means I would like experience it all again.
I have been pretty open with some friends about my anxiety attack, and learned I'm not the only one…not by a long shot. And neither are you! First, realize that. Second, a friend of mine recommend this book which has truly helped me: Daring Greatly. There's a lot of meat in there, so I've had to read it twice, and that's probably not even enough. The book deals with shame and vulnerability. Topics that won’t make dinner party conversation, but for me, the anxiety was built upon a lot of crap that was pressed down over time, and then shaken up all at once like flakes in a snow globe. The goal is to not let that crap settle back again, but get rid of it. Daring Greatly has been helping me do this.
This is the first time I've shared my little story here online, but I thought if there's the remote possibility that I could help you, I'd do it.
Recommended reading from CGP Grey for any content creator.
no. Fisher is a stand-in (a position that she basically volunteered herself for) but she's not the only target of that hashtag imo. You can't be cyberbullying everyone at the same time. That's not bullying. You're better off trying to say it's racist (when you mean prejudice) because at least that makes sense. She put herself in this spotlight. We didn't put her there.
#HasJustineLandedYet was more cyberbullying and I maintain to this day I don't regret anything about what happened to Justine Sacco. Not because I think she's racist or hates people. I think what she did was unintentionally prejudice and she should have known better.
Cyber-shaming is a complicated issue. There's a book that was making the rounds about cyber shaming and the damage it can do. So you've been shamed. It goes into stories like Sacco and others and I'm sure it's very interesting. At the moment however I don't think Fisher is getting more than she deserves. The hashtag is about her only indirectly. It's about what she represents which is this idea that she should have gotten in and that because she didn't the system is racist against her.
If you've been raped, go to the police.Don'tjustgo on Twitter/Reddit etc. and whip up a self-righteous virtue signal army.There's an interesting book that goes into this subject. It has a few cases over the last few years that you will have forgotten about and shows the consequences for these people.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1594487138/ref%3Dcm_sw_r_cp_awdb_OuiyzbZ6TD8P8
>And he the head of state visits them personally in there own home.
Putin is just a really nice guy. Probably had a copy of So You've Been Publicly Outed As a Government Assassin on hand to give the two poor guys.
You should give ["So You've Been Publicly Shamed"] (https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1594487138/ref=x_gr_w_glide_bb?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=x_gr_w_glide_bb-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=9325&amp;creativeASIN=1594487138&amp;SubscriptionId=1MGPYB6YW3HWK55XCGG2) by Jon Ronson a read. It covers different stories somewhat similar to this and explores the consequences. The book's fairly nuanced with some interesting ideas.
Probably one of my favorite books I've read this year.
So you've been pubicly shamed is relevant here. Haven't been to other tennis forums, but judging from other comments in this thread, I ain't planning to in the near future.
Check out Jon Ronson’s book about this
https://www.amazon.com/So-Youve-Been-Publicly-Shamed/dp/1594634017/ref=nodl_
I think you should read this book,https://www.amazon.com/So-Youve-Been-Publicly-Shamed/dp/1594634017 (same dude who wrote the men who stare a goats) ur completely overlooking the fact that majority of these people are normal people who become household names associated with racism, the idea that "its a myth cause u got a job" is probably the laziest defense of this abhorrent trend thats now way too common
For anyone who is interested in this sort of phenomena I would recommend reading:
Trust Me, I'm Lying: Confessions of a Media Manipulator
and So You've Been Publicly Shamed. They both give great insight into different ways modern media is broken.
That tweet said he wrote the episode after reading a book
by Jon Ronson. Another tweet identified it as this book:
https://www.amazon.com/So-Youve-Been-Publicly-Shamed/dp/1594634017/
I am not even about to condone these kids' actions but the Internet has a pretty long history now of burning these kinds of things to the ground. Alexandra Wallace, for example (and again, I am not condoning what she said) was roasted for several months and had to quit school as a result. Did the punishment fit the crime? Probably not, although you didn't see a great many white girls coming out with videos saying "ching chang chong" afterwards so in a sense I guess the backlash served some purpose, and it did blow over eventually (I mean, nobody know who she is anymore). At the very least, I think that could have been categorized as "ugly".
Jon Ronson, the guy who wrote The Men Who Stare At Goats, wrote a book on the subject.
Honestly, I'm not sure about this particular test. The one in this book is much better. https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Attachment-Find-Keep-Love-Find-ebook/dp/B0049H9AVU/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?keywords=attached+the+new+science+of+adult+attachment&amp;qid=1564753943&amp;s=gateway&amp;sprefix=attached&amp;sr=8-1
you might be considered anxiously attached. I highly recommend the following book, which you can likely find for free on a torrent side:
https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Attachment-Find-Keep-Love-ebook/dp/B0049H9AVU
Source: PhD, Psychology
Read “Attached. The New Science of Adult Attachment.” It addresses exactly what you experience. Practically in your exact words. I’m listening to the audiobook right now.
Amazon linkypoo: https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Attachment-Find-Keep-Love-ebook/dp/B0049H9AVU/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1525026130&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=attached+the+new+science+of+adult+attachment
https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Attachment-Find-Keep-Love-Find-ebook/dp/B0049H9AVU/ref=sr_1_1?crid=39VSRHBFV82NW&keywords=attached&qid=1568201474&s=digital-text&sprefix=attached%2Cdigital-text%2C219&sr=1-1
Mark Manson wrote an article about Attachment Theory. There are many more detailed, more clinical descriptions if you Google it, but his is easy to digest if you're new to the concept: https://markmanson.net/attachment-theory
Editing to add: https://kylebenson.net/attachment-theory
Also the book u/Dr-doctor- spoke about and I also recommend after reading can be found here: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0049H9AVU/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1
Sounds like you have something of an anxious attachment style. I read this book a few years ago and it helped me understand this phenomenon and handle my own anxiety better.
https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Attachment-Find-Keep-Love-Find-ebook/dp/B0049H9AVU/ref=sr_1_3?keywords=attached&qid=1558895740&s=gateway&sr=8-3
I don't think you messed up. I just think you two are not compatible. Don't be so hard on yourself. You'll find someone who wants to communicate clearly and spend just as much time with you as you want to with them.
Have you read the book called Attached?
http://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Attachment-Find-Keep-Love-ebook/dp/B0049H9AVU
It's hard for extroverts to understand the need to be alone.My husband just read a book about introverts and he said it explains introversion really well. It's called [Quiet] (http://www.amazon.com/Quiet-Power-Introverts-World-Talking-ebook/dp/B004J4WNL2/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1396139105&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=introvert)
This book is about introverts and it has received amazing reviews: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B004J4WNL2/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&amp;btkr=1
I am an introverted person, and have had the same concerns you've had throughout my life. I really recommend reading the book Quite, it helped me come to terms and build confidence in the way I naturally communicate.
I think you're an introvert and realizing it. I've been there too, so I'm not going to suggest scifi, because that might not be something that would help you.
https://www.amazon.com/Quiet-Power-Introverts-World-Talking-ebook/dp/B004J4WNL2/
Just a thought. Some of us are given energy by being "socialable and normal", and some of us aren't. You may not have to go the whole aesthetic lifestyle.
read the book [Quiet by Susan Cain](https://www.amazon.com/dp/B004J4WNL2/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&amp;btkr=1
)
It helped me a lot with understanding what I need as an introverted/shy person in a job and in social interactions.
She also has a great book!
I don’t have specific recommendations of things to do but I do want to encourage you to learn more about desire. Specifically in long term relationships and as it pertains specifically to women so I’m going to make some reading recommendations.
The first I’ve already read, the latter I have not started yet but it deals specifically with this topic and I’ve heard great things and have heard the author talk about the research and at the very least its fascinating to consider.
In any event good on you for being out in front of the issue and recognizing that these things take work. So many people think (erroneously) that desire and chemistry just ARE or AREN’T. But it absolutely takes work to maintain over time. And research is beginning to show that women get “bored” more quickly than men. This has been wrongly labeled as a lowering of libido for women in LTRs but as it turns out most women say they still WANT sex. Just not so much with the same person or in the same ways over such a long period of time. So if we and our partners are aware of this inclination we have much more power over controlling the outcomes.
Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence - Esther Perel
Untrue: Why Nearly Everything We Believe About Women, Lust, and Infidelity Is Wrong and How the New Science Can Set Us Free - Wednesday Martin
Watch this.
And if you can, order her book.
I don't buy that there is always a "deeper relationship issue" when people aren't having sex. Sometimes couples have awesome friendships and relationships but the sexual spark is gone.
To address this, I recommend the book Mating in Captivity. It was super helpful for me to help to identify the causes of this kind of thing (too much intimacy, not enough inviduality) and address it.
LL can be a case of Mating in Captivity.
Best thing is to talk to him. If you have trouble doing that, go see a therapist even if he won't come with you.
https://www.amazon.com/Mating-Captivity-Unlocking-Erotic-Intelligence/dp/0060753641
/r/DeadBedrooms
A support group for Redditors who are coping with a relationship that is seriously lacking in sexual intimacy. Advice is always appreciated, just don't be surprised if we've heard it all.
Important links for those in a deadbedroom:
Information about sexual issues that might be complicating your situation:
DeadBedrooms suggested reading:
Glossary
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ITT people who advocate being open and honest. Maybe. The data suggest people lie a minimum of 1.6 times a day. Plenty of people have successful marriages that involve a healthy dose of privacy and at least some lies.
Better advice:
You might want to check out this book:
http://www.amazon.com/Mating-Captivity-Unlocking-Erotic-Intelligence/dp/0060753641
The author also gave a TED talk if I remember correctly.
This book might be useful. http://www.amazon.com/Mating-Captivity-Unlocking-Erotic-Intelligence/dp/0060753641/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1450549497&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=mating+in+captivity
You might want to check out Mating In Captivity by Esther Perel.
https://www.amazon.com/Mating-Captivity-Unlocking-Erotic-Intelligence/dp/0060753641
Take a look at Esther Perel's book: Mating in Captivity
I found this book after I got divorced under similar conditions ( no kids though) and I wish we would have read it before trying unsuccessful therapy and sex counseling.
Mating in captivity is a great book!
Can you do verbal judo at some point?
https://old.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/9b6bn1/what_is_the_bible_of_your_field_of_study/e510m40/
The book is Verbal Judo: The Gentle Art of Persuasion by George Thompson
https://www.amazon.com/Verbal-Judo-Gentle-Persuasion-Updated/dp/0062107704
https://www.amazon.com/Verbal-Judo-Gentle-Persuasion-Updated/dp/0062107704
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uo6GZLR0MRU&amp;list=PL57B44827AA6EE588
Seriously OP. Read the book, memorize it, understand it, and then watch all of the online videos. And then take actual Judo for take-downs and a bit of grappling, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu for a more focused approach on ground control, and if you're a real go-getter go learn a nice striking art as well if you've got the spare time. Something like Krav Maga or Muay Thai, from a good dojo that cares about teaching and not about milking you of every penny in exchange for a quick belt.
Mandatory reading:
Mandatory practicing, for people watching:
Mandatory practicing, for getting the PHB to agree with you:
Hey, mods how about putting these in the sidebar?
This. https://www.amazon.com/Verbal-Judo-Gentle-Persuasion-Updated/dp/0062107704
You're asking a simple question with a complicated solution as there are many factors that go into conflict, stress, and decision making under pressure.
I think the first thing you could do is positive self-reflection. Recognize that stress and adrenaline diminishes your cognitive abilities, and impacts your ability to make rational and logical decisions. That's a biological response and you're simply being human. You said you were concerned about them getting violent, it was already tense, and I assume all three of them were against you. I would be reasonably concerned as well.
If you find this difficult, you need to stop beating yourself up. Ask yourself a simple question: Did you accomplish your goal or solve the problem? If the answer is yes, it's win and it's positive. Unless you broke a law or policy, it's all a learning experience and you can examine the situation to consider what you might do better next time.
You could take time to imagine yourself in future situations and how you would approach it successfully next time, mentally preparing yourself to act. Learning how to control your breathing can help to lower your heart rate and keep yourself more relaxed. Reminding yourself that the people you often deal with are mad at the situation, or what you represent, and not necessarily making it personal (unless you choose to) can help.
Having sufficient training and experience can help your confidence and inoculate you from some of the negative effects of stress, as mindset is a huge piece of the puzzle. Responding with a partner who has your back will also help.
There are a lot of things you can do, and there's no one single fix. If it's useful to you, two books I would recommend are Verbal Judo by George Thompson, and Blink by Malcolm Gladwell. As both touch on some strategies that might help you.
Best of luck and you're welcome to PM me if you want some resources and I'll see what I can drum up.
You're going to want this book.
Verbal Judo by George J. Thompson, Phd.
The alternate title to the book could've been "How to motivate people to do the right thing without being a massive cunt."
Cannot recommend highly enough... and as a boss, you're going to need it.
Bit late to this discussion but you might like the book Against Empathy by Paul Bloom: https://www.amazon.com/Against-Empathy-Case-Rational-Compassion/dp/0062339338
I heard about it on a Sam Harris Podcast which was fascinating. Basically the argument is that what most people mean by empathy is instead compassion and that actually empathy often leads to bad emotional decisions and burnout in the workplace.
Here's the podcast if you're interested: https://soundcloud.com/samharrisorg/the-virtues-of-cold-blood-a-conversation-with-paul-bloom
Matthieu Ricard also talks about this from a Buddhist perspective in a great TED talk if you can find it.
I'm glad, they meant exactly what I feel.
Empathy isn't universally good. It's a human cognitive bias in the same way anger and jealousy are.
It's for sure a good thing to follow by default, but I recommend you read up more on the costs of empathy. What it was designed for isn't pragmatic and rarely ends up yielding actual good in our modern society, which it certainly wasn't designed for.
https://www.amazon.com/Against-Empathy-Case-Rational-Compassion/dp/0062339338
As much as I’d like to have the same ad nauseam conversation with a socialist that always follows the same rhetorical formula I’ll think I’ll instead just leave you a link that you might benefit from.
https://www.amazon.com/Against-Empathy-Case-Rational-Compassion/dp/0062339338
Have a nice night.
It takes more than just 1 opinion article by a neuroscientist to make a sound judgment on something; it takes more like 50 research publications on different aspects of the same topic.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2827455/
http://www.cogprints.org/619/1/Emot_Decis.html
https://www.ucl.ac.uk/media/library/decisionbrain
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Irrationality
https://www.amazon.com/Against-Empathy-Case-Rational-Compassion/dp/0062339338
Check out this new book by Paul Bloom.
Stimme völlig zu. Ich bin da auch etwas zwiegespalten.
Auf der einen Seite respektiere ich einen unaufgeregten und sachorientierten Politikstil sehr, und denke dass das der Gesamtkultur zuträglicher ist als die reality TV-Spektakel, die wir in manch anderen Ländern sehen, in denen eine vergiftete politische Kultur und Identitätsstiftung die Bevölkerung zutiefst spaltet.
Auf der anderen Seite besorgt mich, dass die Entscheidungsfindung, also der politische Prozess selbst, bei Merkel stets völlig intransparent stattfindet. Wenn sie ihre stoische und analytische Denkmethodik öffentlich besser nachvollziehbar machen würde, fände ich das vermutlich kulturell und in puncto allgemeiner Bildung sogar sehr hilfreich.
Durch dieses scheinbar leidenschaftslose (was nicht immer schlecht sein muss) und für viele Bürger nur schwer nachvollziehbare, und damit etwas "elitär/abgehoben" wirkende Auftreten verhilft Merkel womöglich populistischen Schreihälsen in den Augen einiger zu mehr Legitimität.
Sadly, It’s a well known fact that the capacity for empathy is inversely correlated with the number of victims considered.
Here is an interesting book on the subject.
Read: https://www.amazon.com/Against-Empathy-Case-Rational-Compassion/dp/0062339338
Against Empathy by Paul Bloom
> At the same time, the author is failing to recognize the intentions behind the rules of the company. Hypocrisy at its finest.
Actually I think he understands it very well: as a thinly-veiled Identity-Political grab for power. It has nothing to do with actual fairness; it's simply "I can't compete so I'll change the rules". The problem is that he doesn't understand the implications of that fact: namely that speaking truth to power isn't good for one's career. If people have abandoned principle in pursuit of power then they aren't going to care when you point out their logical inconsistencies.
>but it strikes me as dehumanizing people.
Again, I disagree with this. It's not dehumanizing people, it's professionalizing them. It's a workplace, not a day care. Also, he made that comment specifically in the context of diversity initiatives. Empathy has many well-known failure modes, and is hazardous when employed for moral reasoning. In fact, a well-known philosopher recently wrote an entire book on the subject.
>Prioritize intention: This strikes me as an excuse for people who are inept at communicating without offending other people.
It's also for people who are clinically sensitive or otherwise emotionally unstable. It's essentially urging people to give others the benefit of the doubt, which how can you argue with that? It's certainly preferable to running to HR every time you misinterpret someone else's [but of course it's always a white male's] 'microaggressions'.
> Loving all doesn't mean that one doesn't have certain unique obligations to bear certain relations to me. Ever heard of "Think global, act local"? Loving those close to me who depend on me is part of my work of making the whole world a better place.
that is simply and only because of society today.
tell me this, if there is no orphanage or child services. and a dying child shows up on your door would you let him sit there and die? ofc not. you would bring him in and help him and feed him and give him clothes, and now what? there is nowhere for him to go, no one else will take him. the only moral choice is to literally take him in as a child, as every other alternative is completely immoral.
as you see, you are morally obligated to this child just as you are your children. you see your children as someone who require your care more than anyone because there is not anyone else required to care for them. if the state and just everyone in life loved and cared for all kids you would not be obligated to care for them. if you pushed your kid out the door they would have countless positive alternatives then you obligation would be mitigated.
also, you brushed off of jesus so fast, explain please, jesus has unique obligations to his child had he had one? what to house him? you think jesus would not house anyone who needed or asked? or feed or anything?
anyways,
modern moral philosophy was an article where the jist is that moral philosophy has to be merged with psychology, to be useful. and that basically all of the old philosophy on morality from post socratic philosophers lacks much of what we understand today.
William Macaskill philosopher who gives away i think everything after 30k he makes each year.
http://www.bigissue.com/features/5638/william-macaskill-we-should-buy-clothes-made-in-sweatshops
"Practical ethics" by Peter singer is a fantastic book and one of the foundational books on Effective altruism.
Paul bloom (Professor of psychology) has a really good new book
https://www.amazon.com/Against-Empathy-Case-Rational-Compassion/dp/0062339338
sam harris's moral landscape is also really good.
>If someone ignores plausible ethical theories by discouraging consideration of empathy, then, regardless of how "moralistic" their language might be, they have effectively ignored one of our best ways to reach insight into morality (empathy). I'd be comfortable saying that a person who does that has ignored morality.
There are good reasons to think empathy biases us in problematic ways. We don't need empathy to be moral, many normative theories don't depend on it. This is an interesting book on the topic.
You might find this book to be worth a read:
https://www.amazon.com/Against-Empathy-Case-Rational-Compassion/dp/0062339338
I really enjoyed reading "The Subtle Art of Not Giving A Fuck"
It taught me about giving a fuck only for the things that deserve it.
I also enjoyed "How To Win Friends and Influence People" which taught me that it's not about me - it's about being genuine with, and interested in, other people. My pride? Who gives a fuck! I'm embarrassed? Who gives a fuck!
I then read "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People" which talks a lot about how to identify what it is you want, and what you care about, and how to align yourself and your life with that. It's a really positive book that I highly recommend reading!
Edit: I also absolutely loved "Meditations" by Marcus Aurelious which is generally about stoicism. The version I read was all "thou shalt", but I've seen somebody on Reddit quote a modern one which made for much easier reading! But Marcus Aurelious basically kept a journal of things he wanted to remind himself of, about his place in the world and his duty. I really, highly recommend it.
strange no one mentioned this book.. "the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip
for anyone lacking social skills this book is important. The first 3 chapters alone will help your career a lot.
> And your edit means jack shit. You haven't sent this laptop in so bitching about service for this laptop shows you are a fucktard cunt.
I don't usually respond to things like this, but I'm going to recommend a book that you should read: http://www.amazon.co.uk/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/0091906814/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1417227968&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=how+to+win+friends+and+influence+people
I think you'd find in general people would take you more seriously if you weren't so abrasive.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/0091906814
Obligatory book : http://www.amazon.co.uk/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/0091906814
I used to consider myself practically autistic, but I'm a bit better with practise. If you can manage groups, I'm surprised you have trouble one on one. I guess you're good at banter?
Talk about how they feel about things. Hows it going? Good weekend? Doing much this weekend? What do you do for fun?
People prefer people who make them feel interesting, rather than people who are interesting. So be curious about them. Pay attention to them when you talk to them.
Find out what they like talking about, and let them talk about it. People are often an expert at something. See if there's anything you find interesting about that.
But don't repeat the same overly specific question every day. That gets tedious or weird.
You need this
I think many people experience this feeling to a greater or lesser degree.
Social norms change from group to group and with age and for a lot of other reasons, and just when you think you have got it right someone changes them again.
There is a fine line between trying to fit in and trying to have a mind of your own and be your own person.
Personally I prefer being me, not what someone else wants me to be. The people I attract are those with a bigger view of the world. Those that I put off are generally the ones I would want to steer clear of (in my mind insincere and shallow).
A good book to look at is How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie.
"Difficult Conversations: How to discuss what matters most" has been tremendously helpful for me to effectively communicate with clients, coworkers, and management. Also really useful for personal life, too.
Get the book Difficult Conversations. It'll help you understand how to better handle high emotion topics like this. It's been a huge help to me and I recommend it all the time.
> any tips on [soft skills]?
How to Win Friends and Influence People is recommended so often its a trope, but genuinely the book is a good baseline.
I highly recommend all the books by the Harvard Negotiation Project, but I particularly recommend Thanks for the Feedback and Difficult Conversations
Have you considered talking to a therapist ?
If it turns out that you are (or aren't) an addict you are probably going to to have to have a difficult conversations with your girl
You may want to reed this book
https://www.amazon.com/Difficult-Conversations-Discuss-What-Matters/dp/0143118447
Check out amazon for what appeal to you. But here’s one
I highly recommend the book "Difficult Conversations". Great read for everybody, awesome read for INTJs who have difficulty dealing with emotional stuff and other people.
Late to the party. This book changed my life. 3.99 on kindle.
Difficult Conversations - I had to read this for a training class at work. It definitely changed how I approach tough or potentially awkward conversations with friends, co-workers, and strangers.
https://www.amazon.com/Difficult-Conversations-Discuss-What-Matters/dp/0143118447
You may want to check out the book called Difficult Conversations. This could help you re-frame the discussion into a productive one.
First thing: I'd venture to say that you guys need to learn how to have these conversations in a more productive way. You won't be able to get to the discussions about counseling (which is also a great idea) until you can have those conversations in a productive way.
Have you heard of the book "Difficult Conversations"? I'd suggest you buy two copies and both read it.
Another great one - "That's Not What I Meant!: How Conversational Style Makes or Breaks Relationships" by Deborah Tannen
My plan: Buy two copies of each. Read them together. Discuss. Try to put them into practice.
2: "That's Not What I Meant": http://amzn.com/0062062999
$5 PP, PM first before link
https://www.amazon.com/Getting-Yes-Negotiating-Agreement-Without/dp/0143118757/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1518129009&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=getting%20to%20yes
My two cents. I am in a position of management at work and have to have hard conversations like this all the time.
I recommend sitting him down and talking about the exact problems, in detail. "On this song, it took 5 takes, and you still couldn't hear that you were off on the second phrase, were late on the chorus." etc.
Ask him what he thinks should be done, in detail. And ask him to set measurable expectations. And then follow-up with what should happen if he doesn't meet those expectations. Example:
"Well, I should practice more and get lessons."
"And how will we measure if they are working?"
"Well, I guess I'll be able to come in on beat and not miss any notes."
"And what should we do if after 3 months you are not able to do that?"
If you do it right, he may talk himself out of the band.
There are also books that cover how to do this in a way that is productive.
You need to think through what you want to say, write it down in a list of bullet points and sub points with specific examples. That will help you stay on topic and make sure that you've covered everything that you want to cover.
Make sure to phrase things in a non-accusatory manner. If your parents get upset, reiterate that you're not making accusation, simply stating the fact that specific behaviors make you feel in a certain way, and are are doing so in the interest of resolving the issues as those issues are causing you to not want to spend time with your parents.
They may very well dismiss some of your concerns as unreasonable, but address others.
I suggest buying a copy of Getting to Yes and giving it a read before you talk to them. It's a thin book and an easy read.
Run, don't walk, to your library, and get your hands on a copy of this book: Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In. (Part of the Harvard Negotiation Project.)
There are hundreds (probably thousands) of books out there. I typically recommend several to give you some broad theory:
Getting to Yes
Start with No!
Harvard Negotiation
http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Yes-Negotiating-Agreement-Without/dp/0143118757/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1426381723&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=getting+to+yes+fisher+and+ury
"Getting to yes : Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In"
Check out the book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking for some validation.
As I've been reading in Susan Cain's book, Quiet, being an introvert also has to do with hard wired biological reasons, but can be developed to a different pathway to a certain extent.
Read this it'll make life make a lot more sense and you'll feel good being who you are. Seriously, it's life changing.
http://www.amazon.com/Quiet-Power-Introverts-World-Talking/dp/0307352145
Here is a book about this topic titled Quiet.
And, here is a TED talk about introverts.
Indeed. Also there is a difference between introversion and shyness. Read the book "quiet" by susan cain. <http://www.amazon.com/Quiet-Power-Introverts-World-Talking/dp/0307352145&gt;
I can pretend to be a non introverted non shy person and its enormously taxing. at parties sometimes I go to the bathroom and lock the door and hide there for 5 or 10 minutes. Then when I get home, I can regain my energy.
I'd also like to add Quiet. It's a really great book.
NGL, I'm much more open and comfortable with other animals. There's no need to perform. Humans can be fun, but sometimes I find them frustrating and overly complicated (thank you, introversion + social anxiety). No one says what they really want to say. Animals don't require small talk, or ask you to jump through hoops and play games. They're easy to please. We simply have different expectations when dealing with other species than each other.
> When he died I think I cried on and off for a week. And cried when I realised he was ready to die.
:[ Similar situation here. My dog died in November and I was really surprised how deeply it affected me. Five months later, my family adopted another dog and I was inexplicably sad during the first week. I love him now, but at the time I kept thinking about my first dog and how this other one was not him. I've had family members die but I wasn't really close to them so I didn't feel that sad. And then I felt bad because I wasn't sad.
IDK, man. Dogs ain't never judged me based on superficial appearances. And if they did, they kept it to themselves. That's more than I can expect from people. Jus' sayin'.
Edit: formatting.
A reading list...
The Myth of Sisyphus
Fight Club
The 7 habits of Highly Effective People
The games people play
I read Sommiel's advice and found that it was exactly what I was going to say. And I'm a guy. And I don't have any kids.
So: re-read it not as a daughter trying to connect with a mother, but as an adult trying to connect with another adult.
It's been a long time since I read it so I've forgotten most of it (and maybe even misremembered the theme of it) but you might want to read Games People Play -- it's likely in your local library. I don't want you to read it so you can identify games you and your mom are playing (she's already playing one with you) but, instead, so that you will avoid them. As young as your mom is, you actually don't have a lot of time left to connect. You're right to want to make the most of it. Good luck.
https://www.amazon.com/Games-People-Play-Transactional-Analysis/dp/0345410033
Not a psychologist (even better imo, a psychiatrist) but Games People Play by Eric Berne, M.D. is the best book I've ever read about the lowest level of human social interaction.
If anyone here is interested in human social interaction explained in a very Ti way, (by a brilliant INFJ) this book is absolutely a must-read.
Re TA, here's a good starter (well more than actually)
https://www.amazon.com/Games-People-Play-Transactional-Analysis/dp/0345410033/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1500229632&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=games+people+play
Agreed, definitely feel like I'm walking on eggshells when discussing the matter.
In regard to "The Games People Play," is this the edition you're referring to?
https://www.amazon.com/Games-People-Play-Transactional-Analysis/dp/0345410033
Games People Play by Eric Berne, M.D.
Read the table of contents. It's a pretty exhaustive list.
> Customers of hers blame her (her company representative) for things that are out of her control - things that other people in her company did. Lately, sometimes they yell at her.
First, I’m here to listen and all that.
Second, ask, “why do you think that happens?”
Third:
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0345410033/ref=mh_s9_acsd_simh_c_x_3_w?pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&amp;pf_rd_s=mobile-hybrid-10&amp;pf_rd_r=DEMVB1ZMZE1NMV9E6XYM&amp;pf_rd_t=1201&amp;pf_rd_p=71d72ce8-46f3-4412-8776-d8cede792a85&amp;pf_rd_i=283155
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B078Q463RB/ref=sspa_mw_detail_3?ie=UTF8&amp;psc=1
Fourth: encourage her to be more assertive and give her positive reinforcement when she is more assertive.
The hallmark of an abusive relationship is someone who is afraid of helping their partner become more assertive, and even punishes assertiveness. You want to build her up and support her building that aspect of herself up.
I think a lot of these kinds of problems are caused because of lack of boundaries at work, which are themselves permitted because the employee lacks assertiveness.
“Insubordination” does not have the same definition in civilian employment as it does in the military. “Scrub the toilets with your mouth, that’s an order!” doesn’t result in imprisonments and criminal punishment following refusal. Further, termination for refusal is a basis for collecting unemployment.
Be terrified of the boss that’s nice to you. They don’t need you. A chihuahua barks louder and more often than a Czechoslovakian wolf dog. It’s called overcompensating. They are aware of how important she is in the role she’s occupying. They are threatened by how important and vital she is. So, defensively, they want to at least make her doubt that and even believe that she’s incompetent or sub-par, to shatter her confidence and keep her in place, or at the very least, feel like they’re squeezing her for every last drop of work she can produce in an hour.
She needs to put what’s happening to her in context, and also think about if this is something that can get better ... or if this is a toxic environment she wants to eventually plan her escape from.
end psychodrama
That was all psychodrama. When people complain to you, they’re looking for comfort, not solutions to their problems. They just want to fee like someone cares enough to listen, support them, agree with them, and offer them a sound board and narrative that makes them feel like the victim ... with suggestions that might help them find the strength to no longer the victim anymore.
> She's had to work after normal work hours on multiple occasions the past few weeks due to time zone differences.
Meet her after work on some of those days. Have her favorite sweet stuff and coffee or tea for when she gets out. Drive her somewhere so you guys can relax, or straight home so she can collapse without having to worry about taking public transportation or staying awake to safely drive home.
> It's caused her to be stressed out even when not working.
Help her not think about work when she is with you. Life is full of stress. It will always be full of stress. It will always have important things that warrant our anxiety and attention. But none of those things has to consume us 24/7. An extra 4 hours of being on our mind is not going to help us change or get rid of the problem right now or tomorrow.
Imagine a computer or your phone. Imagine it’s running stress.exe and worrying.exe in the background ALL THE TIME! From time to time, those applications throw out unexpected pop ups and consume your whole screen. You can’t play games or watch videos. Your computer is too slow to run other programs. You’ve basically lost your computer.
Well, that’s your life. And if you don’t set boundaries for yourself and allow yourself to enjoy a few dedicated time for yourself each day ... then life is just going to pass you by, and you would have been nothing more than an organic biological worker robot.
I know it’s hard, but I’m here to help. And we’re going to start by going to ____ this weekend (or tonight). And I want you to try and be present, stop punishing yourself and being a Debby downer, and give yourself permission to .. at a minimum ... relax. You don’t have to have fun, but at a minimum, I want you to give yourself permission to de-stress, relax and unwind. Do you think you can do that?
> She doesn't enjoy or feel fulfilled by what she does even when it's not going this badly.
Of course not. That’s your mind telling you, “this place is toxic and making me feel emotionally burned out, there are no positives here, why am i still here?”
Would you still feel that way if you were able to set boundaries and be more assertive? If you find out that the answer is yes, then, you know that you have to start coming up with a plan to transition out of there.
https://pandaplanner.com/products/panda-planner-pro
I got this for you. I know it’s just paper, but it’s scientific. Try using it as often as you can remember to. If you do, maybe it’ll just end up being a planner for you. But there’s a chance that it may help you discovery and clarify what makes you feel good, and what things you actually enjoy. Fun and happiness, those don’t really exist in the way most people think they do. But feeling positive and things we enjoy, although basic concepts, those things are real and more easily identifiable. Because of that, it’s clearer for us to know which direction to take more consistently in order to increase how positive we feel and how much time we spend enjoying things.
> Please don't tell me you believe this shit.
> whole article, beyond being obvious bullshit
Its an excerpt from the book “Games People Play” by Dr Eric Berne - the originator of transactional analysis.
> regret reading that whole article
Still, kudos for not tl;dr. I recommend reading the whole book to get full picture.
>My point, rather, was that most people looking for partners in bars and clubs are looking for cheap hookups.
Is that your experience? My experience is that there are ALL different types of people in bars: Shy people, outgoing people, conservative people, etc. It's just everyone recognizing that they need some social outlet, and going out to be around other people.
A lot of people with low self-esteem or avoidant social habits justify their choices by looking down their nose at social activities. I did this too. I'm 33 yrs old and haven't been much of a bar person in the past, but I'm getting to enjoy it more and more.
Obviously, you don't need to become a bar-fly - there are plenty of other social outlets to pursue.
You might want to look at the book called Intimate Connections, recommended to me by another Redditor. Looks like a cheesey self-help book, but it's truly a very helpful guide for people facing these issues. Reading it will surely change your mindset on some of these issues.
relax. you don't have to follow the red pill to have success with women. spending all of your time being suspicious and hating the opposite sex while getting laid a lot with women you manipulate doesn't sound like success to me. what are you supposed to do, continue that until you are 75 years old?
Here is my BLUNT and HONEST answer. You do have more than zero luck. you have dated. you are making out with women at clubs. you also have some crazy ideas in your head that involve cultural crap that really isn't true about women going for the grungy types etc. Some women do like that kind of man, and some women don't. You'll find once you do a few things different then you'll get way better.
i look at the number of times i see the word "NEVER" and "i have failed" and it says that you are really dealing with some self-esteem and cognitive distortions.
so i have a lot of nice words, but i haven't told you WHAT THE FUCK YOU DO?
Well there is a book, pretty much magic in a bottle and when I went to therapy with a therapist for women-related issues, he had me read it. it is called Intimate Connections by Dr. David Burns, who is really good at this stuff. I did what he said and especially made sure I did the exercises every day.
I was shocked. It really did work. and I didn't have to be some sort of jerk to make clear what I wanted and to flirt and to allow women to be attracted to me. It got soooo much easier. It has a few things in common with Seduction techniques but without having to manipulate people. http://www.amazon.com/Intimate-Connections-David-D-Burns/dp/0451148452
Also step up your wardrobe, look them in the eye during conversations, smile and occasional light touching after you have gotten to know them some.
http://www.amazon.com/Intimate-Connections-David-D-Burns/dp/0451148452
Honestly, the only way to ever get over Social Anxiety is to get out there and put yourself out there. That's the only way to get over it.
Also, the only reason for your social anxiety is your self-esteem and core. You need to work on that, if you really want to break the Social Anxiety, too.
When you have better self-esteem and better core (not muscle wise), then you won't be worrying so much, will be more congruent with yourself, you won't give a fuck about what's think about you.
I have Social Anxiety and depression. It was hard for me to be sociable. I'm working on it from a self-help book. Which I do enjoy. It's going to take time, but I'm going to put the work in.
I'm a lot better than I was years ago, but I do need work on my social skills. Though it will come with time.
Just have fun bro with people. Stop pressuring yourself, have fun, let go, and be yourself. Easier said than done. If you died the next day, would you be happy with how you lived. Just ask yourself that everyday.
I would suggest to pick up a book on Social Anxiety, Self-Esteem, and even this book: http://www.amazon.com/Intimate-Connections-David-D-Burns/dp/0451148452
I have it and really enjoy it. Also if you have depression, get his Feeling Good book, too.
I think, it's worth having. It's cheap, and what do you have to lose?
Could also go see a therapist, too. Might help.
It sounds like you're letting your predictions of the future desperately hurt your present. I would recommend this book:
http://www.amazon.com/Things-Might-Terribly-Horribly-Wrong/dp/1572247118/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1372307706&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=things+might+go+terribly+horribly+wrong
I've been suffering with anxiety on and off the past few years, and this book helped me out immensely. Another great book to read and directly help out your situation would be this one:
http://www.amazon.com/dp/0451148452
I have the PDF for the second book, let me know if you would like it, and I can PM it to you.
I strongly recommend you check out this book. It really helped me overcome my loneliness, when I was in a similar situation. I honestly don't look at myself or my life the same way. For 10 bucks, it's worth a shot.
Amazon.com
http://www.amazon.com/Billion-Wicked-Thoughts-Internet-Relationships/dp/0452297877/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1406381252&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=a+billions+wicked+thoughts
Get the lowdown: A Billion Wicked Thoughts
G,G&S is probably the most influential book I've ever read. I only wish I read it sooner.
As far as sexual strategy literature; as someone else mentioned, The Red Queen is a great read. I would also recommend The Evolution of Desire (or anything by David Buss) & A Billion Wicked Thoughts.
The good sex literature is difficult to come across because so many people pull from the same studies then write a book about what it means to them. However, some do it better than most. Get to know the authors who KNOW what they are writing. Instead of those looking to make a quick buck off an interpretation of someone else's research.
Hope this helps.
I think the researchers who did the a billion wicked thoughts say that gay males are born gay. But female lesbians are largely influenced by environment more than biological hard wiring.
A Billion Wicked Thoughts: What the Internet Tells Us about Sexual Relationships https://www.amazon.com.br/dp/0452297877/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_-jMMDbW7CH9D4
Livro mencionado no vídeo!
I wish that I was enough of an expert to accurately analyze this. However, the book A billion wicked thoughts and this link both present the research. (with different opinions than me) Perhaps you look at the data and come to a different conclusion than we did.
Why do women want those 5 types of men for their fantasies, what do they have in common?
I saw this data and abstracted competent, dangerous, and powerful. Perhaps you see different traits.
> It's that I was sooo ashamed for fucking half the college frat and enjoying it,
Actually, it's men who fantasize about women fucking half the college, not women. Here's some neuroscientists who studied internet porn searches & studied female fantasies. https://www.amazon.com/Billion-Wicked-Thoughts-Internet-Relationships/dp/0452297877
The researchers noted male erotic fantasies of becoming a woman, and fucking lots of men. Men pay to watch huge gang bangs. Women write erotic fantasies of having sex after proving "it's not just sex" to him.
>Wife: "Thank you for understanding my plight. It's not that I thought my husband was an unattractive beta who I married primarily for resources,
Of course the man should be ANGRY as hell if he is betrayed like that. However, day-in and day-out, what is the evidence she never desired him & was just "using him". Only a fool would throw out 7 years worth of data because of one thing that happened during school years. Any rational investigator would realize need for more proof. Something is wrong if you leap to the most horrifying conclusion, and stick to it regardless of other evidence.
A Billion Wicked Thoughts
>How is the school system failing because of equality.
By putting children of lesser abilities in with children of higher abilities and thereby dragging them down to the lowest common denominator.
>Physically they are but can you tell me what psychological differences there are.
Yes. Men and women are wired completely differently. Broadly men focus on objects and systems, women are focused on the social sphere. Women are more neurotic and more agreeable, men are more conscientious. The male sexual system is more visually based and wired for polygamy, the female sexual system is heavily based on hypergamy. Here's a whole lecture series that talks about personality differences particularly 16-19 and here's a book specifically talking about sexual differences
>You also don't seem to understand that the people leading the protests for women's right to vote were women...It sounds like you are also In favour of women not having the vote and think that it is destructive.
A minority of women who were often also terrorists. I use it as an example of when postmodernism tore down a structure and called it liberation. A majority of women had their lives negatively impacted by changing the voting model and postmodernists ignored their free choice in order to spout their ideology.
>Syria, Iraq and Iran aren't 3rd world countries.
Yes they are. Syria and Iraq are heavily war torn and Iran is a theocratic prison state. Those countries aren't where most of the mass illegal immigration into Europe I'm talking about is coming from though, which is from sub-saharan Africa.
>You still can't tell me how postmodernism is destructive.
Because it fundamentally values nothing. It tears down everything it can because it sees all hierarchies as abuse and all truth as relative.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0452297877?pc_redir=1405351182&amp;robot_redir=1
Check this book out https://www.amazon.com/Overcoming-Social-Anxiety-Shyness-Behavioral/dp/0465005454
It helped my brother a lot.
You have to work on you first before you can find and make an "us" work.
Good luck.
Overcoming Social Anxiety and Shyness is excellent.
I actually have a different set of advice. I actually think you are suffering from Social Anxiety and it is causing you to fall into a depressive state. Your inner monologue brings you into your negative past / thought train, because it actually governs how you presently behave Defensively, you probably want to be very social, you probably want to be seen in the spotlight, but internally your self loathing / negative thought cycle takes the wheel.
I am going to recommend you acquire this book: http://www.amazon.com/Overcoming-Social-Anxiety-Shyness-Behavioral/dp/0465005454?ie=UTF8&amp;ref_=cm_lmf_tit_2
AND also I recommend you watch TED talks about Social Anxiety and spend a good deal of time reading about it.
Based on everything you've described you are like 80% to have it.
I'd look for social anxiety support groups, especially ones that do Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), or a good psychiatrist if you can afford it. This book was really great in helping me understand SA.
Start by just researching the subject. The more you know, the easier it is to overcome.
Overcoming Social Anxiety and Shyness is an excellent book that's helped me a ton with my anxiety issues. Shit, I actually have an extra copy (accidentally ordered it twice), if you're interested I can mail it to you.
uff a lot...there is no one specific but rather a whole body of research!
What I can recommend if you want to get into the research of this start reading books like this one:
http://www.amazon.com/Overcoming-Social-Anxiety-Shyness-Behavioral/dp/0465005454/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1412775284&amp;sr=8-2&amp;keywords=social+anxiety
You could always buy a book on the subject.
Like this or this
You're in luck! I have books for that!
Here's a good book on basic communication between men and women in relationships.
And if you're interested in the psychology and neurology behind how we develop our relationship to love in general, try this on for size.
Whether you have a diagnosis of social anxiety disorder or are just shy, this may help with some skill building. (In fact, just about any good book on social anxiety, as well as skill building for people on the autism spectrum, can be helpful even for people who are more psychologically middle of the road.)
And, not a book but a webpage, some good tips on dating in a more healthy manner. Note the first one especially in the context of our discussion on the seduction community.
Cara, eu sofri bastante com isso que você tá vivendo e eu diria que é um dos motivos de eu ter passado tantos anos depressivo, mas com o tempo eu aprendi a lidar com a famigerada social anxiety e o overthinking (usei termos em inglês, pois eu os acho mais completos). Hoje eu sou uma pessoa sociável, consigo sentar e conversar numa boa sem me sentir desconfortável, ainda tenho um longo caminho pela frente, mas essa pequena melhora já me rendeu bons frutos.
Eu não usei nenhum material muito específico e se eu fosse escrever várias dicas o post ficaria gigantesco, então vou te dar os first steps de por onde começar, e lembre-se É TUDO COISA DA SUA CABEÇA, SEMPRE.
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Esse também é bom
does the cover look like this https://www.amazon.com/dp/0465005454/ or this https://www.amazon.com/dp/1849010005/ ?
I feel you mate. Best advice I can give is to /move/ on. Never obsess over a girl, that's the worst thing you can do.
I've been listening to a podcast called Shrink for the Shy Guy and it has really helped me out. Also, I've been reading this book but haven't continued it oh the irony. Overcoming Social Anxiety and Shyness: A Self-Help Guide Using Cognitive Behavioral Techniques.
First thing you have to do is not give a fuck and change your mentality to: "Will this person remember about this in a weeks/months/years time?".
I've overcome 95% of my SA, and although I can't say for sure that it was this, I'm almost positive this book did it ("almost positive" because I've not really done anything else to sort my anxiety out)...
Amazon US: http://www.amazon.com/Overcoming-Social-Anxiety-Shyness-Behavioral/dp/0465005454/
Amazon UK: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Overcoming-Social-Anxiety-Shyness-Gillian/dp/1849010005/
rewards and punishment never worked on me either; they just made me feel trapped and resentful. I'm not sure why, but some part of my brain was really not okay with it. I had to actually want to improve myself before anything changed. and even then, too much external pressure to change could stop me from changing.
so, I didn't shower regularly until I started wanting to impress boys. actually.. a lot of things changed once I was interested in boys. :)
I'm not sure how you can get him honestly interested in self-improvement, though... it's such an individual thing...
oh, but there is a book on the subject! Punished by Rewards. maybe that will give you some ideas :)
This sounds like goal based vs. process based, except the goals are based on one day as opposed to long term.
I think about this a lot. In the book Punished by Rewards (https://www.amazon.com/Punished-Rewards-Trouble-Incentive-Praise/dp/0618001816), the author basically argues that if your motivation for doing X is to get Y, then you focus too much on Y and performance would drop doing X. I.e. if you are learning math in school, you'll focus on getting an A rather than actually focusing on the material you're learning.
If you do it time based, it's more like a process rather than focusing on the reward. Which, in a way is better, I think. Although, I think you have to be careful with this model because if you want to take out the trash and walk around in the living room for 2 hours in a circle with the trash bag, the trash still isn't taken out. Someone else could take the trash out in 1 minute if they had a good strategy of going directly outside.
Hell, maybe try making it interest curve based (http://designaday.tumblr.com/post/99397472912/interest-curve), where you read 1 chapter + the beginning of another chapter. At that point, you'll either read the whole additional chapter because you are curious or at least you'll be curious the next day to read the chapter.
Against paying your children to read:
Punished by Rewards
Pick up a copy of How to Stop Worrying and Start Living by Dale Carnegie. I read it every couple of years for the past decade and it has really helps to make sure you are actually able to live your life outside of your job. It's short and sweet, each principle comes with a small anecdote or story to help illustrate ways to not let stress put you in an early grave. Enjoy your summer, bro!
I don't think he means 10 close friends. Just 10 acquaintances, a big difference.
But if you want to feel better, I suggest reading this book, or at least researching it.
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> I can completely relate to your worries.
Worries? I hate them, or hated them. I don't have that many anymore.
Here is a book which helped me kill, banish or get rid of worry. Use whichever verb you prefer. The book is worth its cost.
How To Stop Worrying and Start Living, by Dale Carnegie
A pop doesn't necessarily have to be anything bad at all.
In fact it's pretty easy and harmless to force a pop by trying to exhale through your nose while pinching it (great tip for when flying).If you're really worried or have other symptoms, you could go to the doctor. But I'd be willing to bet you're perfectly fine.Off-topic, but this book did a lot for me as cheesy as it may sound. Might not be applicable for you at all, but just thought I'd throw it out there: http://www.amazon.com/How-Stop-Worrying-Start-Living/dp/0671733354
Merry Christmas soon enuf =)
This is a really good book to read that touches upon what you just talked about.
Dale Carnegie's How to Stop Worrying and Start Living is a classic. A bit dated today, perhaps, and not the most in-depth or scientific option, but the basic principles all still apply. And it's a great way to really get a solid practical grasp on your anxiety issues and start working on them immediately by taking concrete steps. Carnegie is excellent at keeping the reader engaged and putting his advice into easily understandable and relatable terms. I still think of his "day-tight compartments" metaphor all the time.
Book recommendation: How to stop worrying and start living. Here's an old online pdf. You can get the book through Amazon. I've got a copy with key parts underlined which I read every now and then. Good problem solving and mind reframing stuff.
Definitely anxiety. Talk to a psych (same copay as a doctor usually). A few books that might help are... No More Mr. Nice Guy and How to Stop Worrying and Start Living. Meds and therapy also help.
Hey man check out this book, it really helped me out when I was feeling down and depressed and if you really apply the priniciples in the book it will make a huge difference.
http://www.amazon.ca/How-Stop-Worrying-Start-Living/dp/0671733354
There is a book titled "How to Stop Worrying and Start Living." It is full of great tips and really saved me at one point.
The other thing that did wonders for my stress was yoga. There is just something about it that calms me and keeps me that way.
geared toward women but really helped me: http://www.amazon.com/Its-Called-Breakup-Because-Broken/dp/0767921968/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1313958336&amp;sr=8-1
and then anything by Wayne Dyer. :) Hope this helps.
I'm so sorry to hear about you and your ex. Not sure if you were looking for something to read but this book really helped me get over my ex. It's also pretty timeless and versatile (whether he broke up with you or the other way around). It allowed me to get my mind clear and making it a breakover instead of breakup. Things will get better my dear, keep your head held high.
I recently just went through a break up and found the book "It's Called A Break Up Because It's Broken' very helpful, its from the writers of 'He's Just Not That Into You'. It's a quick read but has a lot of constructive advice about how to move on when the relationship is over.
http://www.amazon.com/Its-Called-Breakup-Because-Broken/dp/0767921968/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1406512548&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=its+called+a+breakup+because+its+broken
It’s Called a Breakup because it’s Broken
http://www.amazon.com/Its-Called-Breakup-Because-Broken/dp/0767921968
I can totally relate to you. I am a month into NC and a little over 40 days from the breakup and some days I am totally ok and others - a complete and utter mess (like today). I have had the same thoughts but then realize - he would in a sense win. He would be living his life and happy and content and my family would then be the ones suffering. It wouldn't even cross his radar so all the effort in thinking those thoughts are in a sense a waste.
Read this - http://www.amazon.com/Its-Called-Breakup-Because-Broken/dp/0767921968 It's so obvious but helpful to realize you aren't alone.
We are all feeling the same thing and have each other. These days around holidays are the WORSE and just believe that time will heal us even though it is so hard to believe.
Books! These have helped me a lot:
It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken
The No Contact Rule
Baggage Reclaim - A lot of good free articles!
They're all written from a hetero perspective but it's just as applicable.
The biggest thing is just going to be patience and time. Don't beat yourself up for not feeling a certain way by a certain time. Something shitty happened to you and it takes time to deal with it and adjust.
It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken
Aimed at women, but no reason it couldn't help you.
I haven't read it yet, but how about Party of One by Anneli Rufus? I work at a B&N and I've thought about giving it a look a few times.
Also, try the book Party of One the loners manifesto.
http://www.amazon.com/Party-One-Manifesto-Anneli-Rufus/dp/1569245134/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1300690972&amp;sr=8-1
this book is for you. Covers this subject pretty well.
While not necessarily a "self-help" book and not specifically directed at people with anxiety, I've found "Party of One" (A Loner's Manifesto) a pretty good read, especially if you've been alone for most of your life.
This isn't fiction, but I really enjoyed Party of One: A loners manifesto
https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/1569245134/ref=oh_aui_search_detailpage?ie=UTF8&amp;psc=1
And this book on psychological defense mechanisms I read recently and found deeply facinating and helpful. Not all of it applied to me, but I found bits of it really insisive at helping me understand how I process things.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Do-That-Psychological-Mechanisms-ebook/dp/B009PA63YI/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1496506185&amp;sr=1-3&amp;keywords=why+do+i+do+that
And lots of people recommend Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Quiet-Power-Introverts-World-Talking-ebook/dp/B0074YVW1G/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1496505896&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=introvert
Which I haven't read, but think I would really like. I get frustrated too at the lack of representation in fiction.
Is there anything you've read on this topic you would recommend?
Party of one: the loner's manifesto by Anneli Rufus. http://www.amazon.com/Party-One-The-Loners-Manifesto/dp/1569245134. Really helped me come to terms with who I am and understand why I have never been good/ comfortable around large groups of people despite that I can be quite sociable in small doses.
A book I recommend:
http://www.amazon.com/Party-One-The-Loners-Manifesto/dp/1569245134
College is especially tough for Introverts, almost as bad as High School! If not worse. You can't generalize about the behavior of an entire species like that, although I still wrestle with that thought myself from time to time. Go to libraries and cafes and maybe you'll meet an introverted boyfriend! It's essential for an introvert to have at least one person they are close to, but don't feel bad if you don't have that, he/she will come!
Check out either or both of these books, they spoke to me and helped me a lot:
http://www.amazon.com/Party-One-The-Loners-Manifesto/dp/1569245134
http://www.amazon.com/The-Introvert-Advantage-Thrive-Extrovert/dp/0761123695/ref=pd_sim_b_2
https://www.amazon.com/Daring-Greatly-Courage-Vulnerable-Transforms/dp/1592408419
It has gotten popular recently, but that book is everything.
Similar place in a lot of ways. I found Brene Brown's more general work on shame to be really fantastic as well. Never hear of AD before, but will check him out https://www.amazon.com/Daring-Greatly-Courage-Vulnerable-Transforms/dp/1592408419/ref=asap_bc?ie=UTF8
Dudeee. You should get this:
Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead https://www.amazon.com.au/dp/1592408419/ref=cm_sw_r_other_apa_i_W2IFDbN5244EH
Love is worth it imo. Being vulnerable to become a more complete and your confident self. Confidence doesn't mean being all 'up' and in high spirits all the time. The whole not opening up thing is the same as me tbh. I've had some potential great friends down by being flighty and not opening up when I needed to. I had quite a lot of friends back when I attended church. Again, it's that 7's fear of negative mental states. Although, luckily, I do have a few best friends (two to be exact) who I can count on during anything.
Also you ever been to a psychologist or therapist?
This last psychologist that I connected with was one of the best experience I've had and she had taught me on becoming more vulnerable. She really listened and understood me. I had a great chemistry with that woman even though she was like 10 years older. Not to mention she was easy on the eyes ;) I told my feelings towards her (she was one of the psychologist/therapists I've bonded with), before she had to take leave due to going on a break lol. So that 'connection or 'chemistry' is out there somewhere. It's just a matter of finding it. You and I deserve the best in life. I wish you luck in your journey :)
My guess is that it's not really a sex issue but an intimacy issue.
watch this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCvmsMzlF7o
she has another speech called "listening to shame", and a book called "Daring greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead"
https://www.amazon.com/Daring-Greatly-Courage-Vulnerable-Transforms/dp/1592408419/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=daring+greatly&amp;qid=1556076505&amp;s=gateway&amp;sr=8-1
Yes. Shame is not what tells you that you are doing something wrong. Shame is what tells you that you are wrong and the situation is helpless. If you are wrong, how can you change?
There are are some books (based on research) about it. Two I've read are Shame and Guilt (emotions and social behavior) and Daring Greatly. The first is more like a textbook and the second one is written for the casual reader
“We judge people in areas where we’re vulnerable to shame, especially picking folks who are doing worse than we’re doing. If I feel good about my parenting, I have no interest in judging other people’s choices. If I feel good about my body, I don’t go around making fun of other people’s weight or appearance. We’re hard on each other because we’re using each other as a launching pad out of our own perceived deficiency.” - Brené Brown - Daring Greatly.
Fear of vulnerability. There is never a healthy way around mental problems. Only a dredge through them. But the other side is clear! You can try self help if you like to read. https://www.amazon.com/Daring-Greatly-Courage-Vulnerable-Transforms/dp/1592408419 good book. If you prefer therapy it can definitely help. Best option probably both.
I think we're talking about different sets of things. Besides the fact that many people have self-taught successfully... and a lot of interesting things do happen mostly in private or in very supportive environments (again, writing).
I'm talking about activities where other people may be accidentally present. That is team activities (team games) and general life (parenting) and open-audience actions (publishing art) and the criticisms that will often be perceived as hostile tend to happen there.
Most people do not have coaches and that's not really where they get their criticism. I seriously doubt the OP is referencing a football player complaining about Jim Harbaugh offending them. The thing about coaches is that you can generally safely assume they're on your side (of course, not always true). I would be very honored to be criticized by Jim Harbaugh. Unfortunately, sensei's of old all seem to be in football these days and I don't play football, I'm stuck with the idiot fans on the sidelines, so is everyone else.
It's important to know when a criticizer is not on your side because it's actually not that hard to damage a person if you want to. Taking criticism is a vulnerability position, and, albeit useful for feedback, you are also open to damage if you don't know how to shield yourself to damage. I do not believe your position provides such a shield, you're just blindly opening yourself to all damage and hoping your ability to disseminate whether a criticism is good or not will work.
When the criticism is "You suck at this because you're lazy" or "institutional racism is made up and you're just way too easily offended" or "you are a terrible parent because you do/do not hit your kids" the line gets hazy and I would much prefer people default to defensive "fuck the critics" positions than "well this makes me feel bad because it sounds like something I deeply fear is true", which are often confused with "hitting the nail on the head". The occasional useful advice is not worth the damage. If you actually care about the subject you can note the common themes pretty easily just from the mass of junk and explore it yourself.
Examining studies on the effects of corporal punishment of children is more useful than worrying about being a bad parent all the time. You being a purposefully bad parent is unlikely to be the issue. The issue being confusing and poorly understood is. Be interested in the subject and look for evidence and you'll be farther along than most. Not ideal but human life isn't and won't be for a while.
I would certainly not recommend, uhh, destroying your old "self" all the time or very often since that sounds like you don't have anything solid to begin with. New information should be integrated into your framework. That's not a trivial process either. Actually if I ask most people what their framework is they don't know.
Scrutinizing and criticizing yourself all the time is a good way to start hating yourself. It requires extremely high confidence to do that (or a recharge method) and I don't know many people who possess that. I much prefer a method where you expose yourself to a lot of various information and see if your model makes good predictions. Even that is a pretty heavy cognitive load but it beats nitpicking yourself all the time, that's going to do more harm than good.
I'm very much aligned with (even though I don't agree with all of it) the Daring Greatly book on the issue of good and bad criticism. Bad criticism is common and creates a lot of negative and chilling effects on peoples' expression and action. It's not trivial effects that you can just wave away and wish you didn't care or something. A lot of it talks about how criticism (much of which is in shaming form) tends to make people close up and one needs to create special defenses to be able to handle proper criticism without being damaged by the bad criticism.
You seem to be implying that this is something everyone can just go up and do. The book implies otherwise and it has a pretty extensive bibliography, and one of the approaches advocated is Theodore Roosevelt's spin on "fuck the critics". To hear the right critics it's rather useful to fuck the rest.
>So when I looked at possible reasons for why more porn is directed at men than women, I wasn't addressing a point you had made?
This...
> Women can be aroused by visuals just as much as men are - even if the visuals are slightly different.
...is a strawman. I did not say that women could not be aroused by visuals as much as men are. You were addressing a point I did not make.
How do you know there's so few women looking at porn? Or that women don't pay for porn?
>According to the neuroscientists who wrote A Billion Wicked Thoughts,women do not often pay for porn. Authors Ogas and Gaddam write: “According to CCBill, the billing service most commonly used by the online adult industry, only 2 percent of all subscriptions to pornography sites are made on credit cards with women's names. In fact, CCBill even flags female names as potential fraud, since so many of these charges result in an angry wife or mother demanding a refund for the misuse of her card.”
http://www.amazon.com/Billion-Wicked-Thoughts-Internet-Relationships/dp/0452297877
>How do you know that the accounts men have on porn sites are shared by their wives? You're making a lot of speculation and generalizing a whole lot based on that study.
If you're going to make that argument than you support it. I find it highly unlikely that the other 98% of CCBill subscribers consist of men buying porn for their wives.
>Regardless of how much women are aroused visually or how aroused men are visually, the point remains, arousal happens, it's not an irresistible force
Another strawman.
,>and using gender and words like "uncontrollable" to excuse wanting to commit adultery is just wrong. Either you chose to sleep with someone or you chose not to. Period.
And another one. You get one more chance and then I start ignoring you.
Jesus Christ... praise is a form of positive reinforcement. A behaviour is reinforced “encouraged” by definition from the praise which is the reward or recognition of performing said behaviour.
https://www.amazon.ca/Punished-Rewards-Trouble-Incentive-Praise/dp/0618001816
Keep reading.
You should read this: http://www.amazon.com/Punished-Rewards-Trouble-Incentive-Praise/dp/0618001816
All you empathy-less mofos should read Jon Ronson's book.
I don't care for Bryan at all as a GM, but it really must suck on a personal level.
You should read Jon Ronson - So You've Been Publicy Shamed. Fascinating read on the internet hive mind and how people who have made stupid or unpopular comments on the internet can quickly lose everything. I might actually re-read it after seeing this story.
> Lying is only ok when you are truly protecting someone
That's a cultural value, not an immutable law of nature, as Perel says:
>Perel: In America, lying can never be an act of caring. We find it hard to accept that lying would be protective, this is an unexamined idea. In some countries, not telling, or a certain opaqueness, is an act of respect. Also, maybe the opposite of transparency isn’t intimacy, it’s aggression. People sometimes tell for their own good, as an act of aggression.
The interviewer wrote The End of Men; Perel wrote Mating in Captivity (which is a brilliant book).
There is a difference between empathy and rational compassion.
“But empathy is surprisingly bad at making us good. It's a spotlight focusing on certain people in the here and now. This makes us care more about them, but it leaves us insensitive to the long-term consequences of our acts and blind as well to the suffering of those we do not or cannot empathize with. Empathy is biased, pushing us in the direction of parochialism and racism. It is innumerate, favoring the one over the many. It can spark violence; our empathy for those close to us is a powerful force for war and atrocity toward others. It exhausts the spirit and can diminish the force of kindness and love.”
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0062339338/?tag=highexis-20
> Or why not link his actual research?
It's a book.
Buy this book: https://www.amazon.co.uk/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/0091906814/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1465925874&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=how+to+win+friends+and+influence+people
Read it end to end. If you have to ask a question like that, this book will be a massive eye opener for you. Hope it helps.
I want to help, but because of lack of time, i will give you an incomplete answer
I have recently written an MSc thesis related to Social Engineering, where i had to review a number of books / papers / articles. One starting point for you would be to start by looking at the reference section of the thesis [here] (http://pure.ltu.se/portal/en/studentthesis/social-engineering-and-influence\(0d61b8aa-30ad-4cb0-9039-e04832f250a7\).html).
In general, anything from Kevin Mitnick is a good start, together with Chris Hadnagy's book
If you are to read only one book, start with Carnegie's book.
If you need more information information, let me know
> should I stop trying?
Absolutely not, this is reason to keep trying. You just haven't met your true friends yet, but you will eventually.
If people aren't returning the invites or hanging out, drop them and move onto other people. It's pretty much like dating in that regard, you'll get time wasters and flaky people however if you rummage through enough shit you'll eventually find some treasure worth keeping!
On a side note, I keep hearing people recommending the book How to Win Friends and Influence People. I'm not sure if it is any use to you (I haven't got round to reading it yet, procrastination..) but thought i'd mention it anyway.
Four good ones:
The Art of the Deal by Donald Trump & Tony Schwartz
How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie
The Big Short by Michael Lewis
With Liberty and Justice for Some by Glen Greenwald
Two shitty ones (edit: yet still important to read):
The Rage Against God by Peter Hitchens
The Portable Atheist by Christopher Hitchens
So You've Been Publicly Shamed
https://www.amazon.com/dp/1594634017/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_BVUXzb49JDMGS
By all means, dig up their tweet history and post it here.
Then try reading So You've Been Publicly Shamed by Jon Ronson, and have a think about why that's something you'd want to do.
As a guy, here is what I actually think, judging from a psychological understanding of myself (a guy) as well as what I believe is the most comprehensive and realistic study of human sexuality in the world. Here is the study summary in the form of a lecture at Google.
Given the following factors, I think that there is a very strong cultural, as well as biological basis for the infidelity of men in general, especially in a country with a strong mistress culture like China. Assume the worst and you will never be disappointed in your life.
Transgressive humour is transgressive.
Some people here need to pick up a book.
>It’s bad to drop bombs on civilian residential houses, it’s fine to drop bombs on terrorist military facilities. It’s bad to lock up innocent people, it’s good to lock up people who have committed rape.
The problem is with your analogy you're saying, "it's bad to do X action against 100% known good people, it's good to do it against 100% known bad people," which is rather convenient because it puts you, again, on the moral high ground.
I'd propose a different analogy: Torture is BAD when our enemies do it to our troops. Torture is GOOD when we do it to our detainees to gain important intel. How do you feel about that? Can we waterboard someone to save American troops?
>It’s much more defensible when it’s done to remove the anonymity of bad acts done online and hold people responsible for what they have done and said.
The problem with this is that there are so many shades of grey in what is good and bad with stuff online and more often than not, the punishment doesn't fit the crime.
How many times have you heard of someone saying something, maybe it's just one single tweet, off-color or poorly timed, something that's taken as possibly sexist or racist, and because of that an internet lynch mob is formed? The person gets doxxed, their employer gets contacted, they get harassed, sent death threats, and they end up fired from their job. And the internet lynch mob moves on and forgets about them the next week, not realizing the trail of destruction they've left. Ever read this book?
The problem is that person gets put in the same group as an Alt-Right nazi guy at Charlottesville. To the internet lynch mob, there's no difference. Once you're "The Enemy," all bets are off, and there are no bad tactics.
What about that Evergreen College professor who questioned the proposed "Day of Absence," where all White people were supposed to not show up to school? He received nonstop death threats, was called a racist, a bigot, every name in the book, had to have armed security for his classes, and eventually was forced to resign. I know that isn't doxxing, but I'm stating that as an example of the same Social Justice overreaction where the punishment doesn't fit the crime. What was his crime? Questioning whether something was right or not? Did he deserve that reaction? The problem, again, was that once he was "The Enemy," and on the wrong side of the movement, he was considered just as bad as everyone else. To the Social Justice movement, he was no better than a David Duke or a Christopher Cantwell.
So much bad advice in this thread. PUNISHMENT AND REWARD DOES NOT WORK! This is not the 1950s! We know better now! Gold stars, reward calendars, all that crap - your child is not a dog! http://www.amazon.com/Punished-Rewards-Trouble-Incentive-Praise/dp/0618001816/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1420858818&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=punished+by+rewards
Sorry to say, you are a "bad mom" in every classic sense of the word. You have so many parenting resources at your disposal and yet you've chosen to just yell and punish instead.
Learn how to deal with people with mental illnesses.
Edit:
If you're getting swung at for telling them to get out, here's a book you should read called verbal judo. It was originally ment for law enforcement and prison officers but if you're having that reaction, the fault is with you not having any tact.
Someone gave me a copy of it because my mouth was getting me in a lot of fights. I never violated any policies but I had something that needed to be worked on.