(Part 2) Best love & romance books according to redditors
We found 3,383 Reddit comments discussing the best love & romance books. We ranked the 558 resulting products by number of redditors who mentioned them. Here are the products ranked 21-40. You can also go back to the previous section.
Here are a few books I would highly recommend for men (and women as well):
After that, if you have more specific issues in your story, like childhood trauma, there are more specific routes to go down. I also strongly encourage enlisting the aid of a counselor, therapist, and/or pastoral counselor if you or your partner are struggling with childhood baggage.
How to Destroy A (Wo)Man Now (DAMN): A Handbook - amazon.com
I haven’t read this book, but my own mother asked if I knew how to improve a marriage without having to talk about it. And I searched on Amazon and this exists:
How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It
There are some books. "Questions you should ask yourself and each other before getting married". My boyfriend and I went through one, which prompted some very interesting debates and minor revelations (even though we had been together five years at that point). We did a few questions each night in bed and took turns answering first. I would recommend investing in a book like that if you want to make sure you thought of everything. We went through "1001 Questions to ask before you get married" by Monica Leahy (http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/0071438033/ref=mp_s_a_1_13?qid=1413190698&sr=8-13&pi=AC_SX110_SY165), but it is worth looking around a bit. We are both atheists, so we purposefully went with something fairly non religious. Depending on your beliefs and lifestyle a book with a different slant my suit you better.
Gooood, gooood, like the kink flow through you.
P.S.
For those questioning, interested in dabbling, or just wanna read into what the other side likes, here's some book recs:
The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play and the Erotic Edge
Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism
The Loving Dominant
SM 101: A Realistic Introduction
Different Loving: A Complete Exploration of the World of Sexual Dominance and Submission
https://www.amazon.com/1001-Questions-Ask-Before-Married/dp/0071438033
Is where we started once we realized we were serious. Chaplin does pre-martial counciling, some Chaplin’s even require it if you’re considering getting married on base.
Marry up. So up infact if she joined she’d out rank you in no time. So up that she’d be an officer by the time you put on tech and had two kids, if she wanted. And if she’s not, never let her think she isn’t capable of it.
Accept that marriage is a marriage of families. Also, crazy breeds crazy.
Never be unwilling to make at least a meal a day, help the kids when she needs a break, and clean up that meal. (You may not get a chance later)
Also, it helps if you marry a military brat that knows exactly what their getting into, and your first duty station is Hawaii for 6 years... but it’s totally the book and the marry up thing.
Also, STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM SOCIAL MARKETING
More Than Two by Franklin Veaux. If The Ethical Slut is the non-monogamy bible, then More than Two is the Polyamory handbook. It is a must read.
Opening Up by Tristan Taormino. Opening Up is a good supplementary book. Overall not as good as More than Two, but it has some unique takes on poly that is worth reading.
Eight Things I Wish I'd Known About Polyamory by Minx M. Honestly I have not gotten around to reading this yet, but it is by Cunning Minx of the Polyamory Weekly podcast, so the author knows what she is talking about.
Sex at Dawn by Christopher Ryan. This books it last on my list because it tries to pawn itself off as science when in truth it is more of philosophy. It makes good arguments, and backs them up with some data, but the evidence is nowhere as strong as Dr. Ryan wants to claim.
EDITED TO ADD:
If you are going to do non-monogamy it is always a good idea to improve your communication skills. Here are some recommended books on improving communication skills.
The Usual Error. This is a more basic communication book. It is a really good read that will point out some basic mistakes you probably make in communicating.
Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. This is almost a whole new way of communicating. It is advanced level communications skills. Even incorporating some of the ideas in this book will help you tremendously in hard conversations.
What I would recommend to you is to give More Than Two a read.
Polyamory can be amazing and rewarding. But as a married couple, you have to be careful not to turn into "unicorn hunters." Understand anyone that enters your relationships is an individual with their own wants and needs, rather than a missing "piece" for your relationship. I'm not saying you would do this (after all, I don't know you!) but it's sadly common. Many secondaries end up feeling like their feelings get trampled over in the name of "protecting the established relationship."
Apparently it's not satire according to the Amazon description.
But there's hope. We can lean How To Destroy A (wo)Man
She exposed herself to you, she opened up and told you a huge personal secret, and you judged her for it. Just because she didn't seem too upset at the time doesn't mean she wasn't. You rejected a core, deep part of her. Of course she isn't wanting to have sex and be vulnerable and intimate with you right now.
You can either unfuck this by apologizing for judging her and trying to at least intellectually understand where she's coming from, or you can continue to reject her sexuality as unhealthy. Do the first, and you'll make some progress. If you're going to do the second, just break it off with her now.
If you want to work on understanding D/s I recommend reading "Different Loving."
http://www.amazon.com/Different-Loving-Sexual-Dominance-Submission/dp/0679769560/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1414858741&sr=8-1&keywords=different+loving
Best of luck.
Are you sure he wasn't thinking of My Secret Garden, which is a collection of different women's thoughts on sex?
Feeling Good, the New Mood Therapy, a popular CBT book that is useful for a variety of problems. if you're in a rough spot financially, it's an older one so should be easy to find in libraries and other ways
not a book but very helpful, Wait But Why's breakdown of procrastination. if you like this post you'll also love the TED talk.
if you're a person who struggles with being attracted (to an unhealthy degree) to men that never return your interest, especially in the context of an abusive past or co-dependence, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl
Peace be with you! I recommend you check out your local chapter of the Courage Apostolate. This is a ministry for same-sex-attracted Catholics, as well as their friends and families. It will be full of other gay catholics trying to live as Christ teaches, experiencing many of the difficulties you are (for example, what/when/how should I tell my family?). It is not a "pray-the-gay-away" program.
I don't know how knowledgeable you are about catholic teaching with regard to human sexuality, but now is a good time to read up! Try the Catechism of the Catholic Church and documents it cites, Karol Wojtyla's (later Pope John Paul II) Love and Responsibility, and Theology of the Body for starters. I also recommend not just skipping to the "gay" sections. Catholic teaching on tougher issues make a lot more sense in the context of the whole of the teaching - picking and choosing parts to read can leave knowledge gaps that lead to confusion and frustration.
Above all, remember that God loves you.
Remote Vibe First one was DOA, but the replacement worked wonders.
Also just in case you're curious, here's a bunch of other things I've bought off of Amazon:
Rabbit Vibe: NO, breaks too easily
Dual Bullet: Great while it lasts, but sadly breaks after a few sessions
Scissors If you don't have some GET SOME
Two Knotty Boys I highly recommend if you need some knot help
Condoms More are always useful to have
Weighted Nipple Clamps LOVE THESE, your sub might not though
Whip Going strong for two years
Bullet Held out for a while but ultimately broke after a few months
Numb Throat Spray doesn't work
Anal Trainer Set good for training but the middle to biggest is a bit of a jump
Lube Great stuff, lasts a while too
Blindfold Very comfy and durable
Bondage Tape Works well for hte purpose, doesn't adhere like Duct Tape, perfect
Vibe Fantastic Vibe
Rose Petals Show your girl a good, romantic time
Suction Dildo Get it and make her fuck herself on the floor, highly recommend
Butt Plug A good intermediary between the large and medium from before
Mouth Wash Make sure your breath smells clean for sex
Pillows Sleep better
Mini Massager Works reasonably well
Rose Gold Heart Necklace Classy way to show ownership out and about
Rose Gold Heart Bracelet Sams as above but for alternating days
Okay that's a quick overview, let me know for more detail on any, yes I have have bought all of these on Amazon, Dear God I did not realize how much I bought there before now.
Also here's a fun list of tasks and punishments
Fur further ideas just look over this sex map and for a bit more utilitarian, check out this list of Limits I made (pdf version or .xlsx version i.e. excel). For some fun orders steal some from the Contract I wrote (Word Version or pdf)
Sorry you're getting so much crap from people over having had a crush on a co-worker that you didn't even act on. I suspect there's an awful lot of hypocrisy in this thread. I'd be shocked if most of these people hadn't fantasized about people outside their marriages.
I do think you and your husband can repair your sexual relationship. You started out very passionate with each other, and I believe you can get it back.
I think you're on the right track with needing more time apart. Also, maybe you could do more fun things together. Think about what you and he did for fun, back when you were passionate about each other, and try doing those things again. Try being the people you were back then. If you present it to your husband as a way to rekindle intimacy, he'll probably be up for it.
Also, if you're serious about possibly opening the relationship, don't ask for advice in this sub. Most people here have not done it and don't get it at all. Read some good books on the subject, like Opening Up and More Than Two, and read r/polyamory and r/nonmonogamy to see positive stories from people who are making it work, as well as some of the pitfalls that couples encounter.
Edit: Added links to books.
I'd recommend a number of titles, many of which are free:
Since you already have a foundation in Christian thought, I'd recommend Introduction to Christianity (hint: not actually introductory level) by Joseph Ratzinger. It's pretty theologically dense, but that man is one of the most profound theologians of his generation, and this is his first masterpiece.
If you are interested in morality, particularly in issues of conscience in relationship to subjectivity and objectivity, I strongly recommend Conscience and Truth, by Ratzinger as well (free online).
If you are interested in the contemporary thought of the Catholic Church (we essentially see ourselves as the religion according to reason), I can think of no better volume than a book-length interview Ratzinger gave to Peter Seewald in the late 90's, Salt of the Earth. His words are seriously beautiful.
On the relationship between faith and reason, I'd recommend Ratzinger/Benedict XVI's Regensburg address (free!), and John Paul II's Fides et Ratio (free).
If you are interested in the role of religion vis-à-vis politics and public life, I'd think to read Benedict XVI's addresses at Westminster Hall and at The Bundestag (both free), which are considered as among the finest speeches of his pontificate. If you are interested in Catholic social teaching (i.e. morality relating to economics), I'd go with Caritas in Veritate.
If you are interested in Christian theology relating to death, judgment, heaven and hell, I'd recommend no better book than C.S. Lewis' The Great Divorce, which is a beautiful narrative that explains so well Christian theology relating to the last things.
I'd recommend as a general introduction to what faith means the first encyclical released by Pope Francis, Lumen Fidei (free on the Vatican's website), which was mostly written by his predecessor and offers profound meditations on the nature of Christian faith (read together with the first chapter of Introduction to Christianity, I think one would have a solid understanding of what it actually means to believe).
If you wish to know more about Christian sexual ethics (hint: it's not a decontextualized list of prohibitions, but rather a positive command to love totally), I can think of no better volume than Karol Wojtyla's Love and Responsibility, which is a philosophical-theological volume in which Wojtyla expounds on the "personalistic norm"—i.e. the only proper response to another human being is love, as opposed to "use," which is the treating of another as less than human, as an object (applicable also to employers who treat their employees as automatons).
As you can tell, I'm a pretty big fan of the previous pontificate.
Misha's general support of the ship has received one of the most hilarious wank backlashes.
You want to insult Misha Collins on being not-enough liberal? Not a glbtq-advocate, not cool with threesomes? His wife is a phd in history, an intense feminist that's written this book? During renewed vows they switched traditional gender roles
Like... are ya stupid? Misha Collins is super chill about Destiel because he's fuckin' chill.
Misha supports destiel fans because he's cool with them. He's not pushing against or supporting the writers; that's not his job. He's simply enjoying and having fun with his fans, his coworkers, his superiors; his inferiors. He's a nice guy. Leave him be.
Check out this link: https://www.loveandrespect.com/blog/his-need-for-sexual-intimacy-not-wrong-just-different
This writer wrote a book called Love & Respect, and talks about how a husband's needs for sex are different, but still a need. Here's a snippet:
"Of course, most wives recognize this need but honestly she wants him to want sex when she wants sex and not want sex when she doesn’t want sex. She subconsciously wishes for him to be like a woman. But upon reflection, we need to see just how vulnerable he is, not just to sexual deprivation but to dishonor.
Truth be told, this is more about respect than sex. A wife can shame her husband for wanting sex more than she does. She sends the message that not only is there something wrong with him, he is unloving toward her. Oh, yes, she has a desire for sexual intimacy when ovulating and when wanting a baby. Her hunger for sex then is all-pervasive. Of course, he doesn’t reject her but if he did, what might she feel? Even so, why can’t he wait until she is in the mood for sex? If he were a loving man, he should know (and her son should know when he gets married, right?) that a woman prefers sex less than a man does, and he has a responsibility to serve her and align himself with her emotional and sexual interests, and be in rhythm with her, and never request sex more than she wants sex.
First, realize that his sexuality is much different than yours. And this is part of God’s wonderful, unique designs for man and woman. Proverbs 5:19 says, “As a loving hind and a graceful doe, let her breasts satisfy you at all times; be exhilarated always with her love.”
Second, a wife should recognize that her husband needs sexual release just as she needs emotional release (intimacy). In 1 Corinthians 7:5, Paul wrote, “Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”
​
If you haven't purchased the book yet, might I suggest getting it and reading it with your wife together.
Here's a link to it
I read a book way back in my uberbeta days that was very offensive to the worldview i had been given. that book is called My Secret Garden.
The book is a collection of responses sent in by women during the 70s mostly responding to an anonymous ad posted by the author. She asked women in large cities "What is your sexual fantasy"
Years of collecting the responses and categorizing them led to the publication of the book.
For someone who believed that male sexuality was shameful and that female sexuality was almost nonexistent, the book was a massive eye-opener.
Spoiler Alert: The number one fantasy most women had? Basically a "safe rape." taken impulsively by an unknown man, in a brutish fashion, using her body, and then leaving her in a mess, fucked but uninjured. That was the most common fantasy. other top ones were voyeurism and being taken by a "savage" whether that was a black dude with a huge dick, or just some crusty gutterpunk type.
I can't tell you how hard my dissonance filter was firing. I couldn't even believe that shit back then.
I really recommend that book for guys (and gals) who still believe in this neo-victorian bullshit of female sexual innocence. for me, a lot of it was being raised in a conservative christian home by a mother who almost completely shut my dad out of sex.
First and foremost, hello and welcome.
Secondly, this is our media subreddit, which is for published media relating to BDSM. Our discussion subreddit is located at /r/BDSMcommunity, and you should post future discussions there for a wider audience. It should not be necessary to resubmit this post, though. I also highly recommend you spend all the time you have available devouring our FAQ over at /r/BDSMfaq.
> My girlfriend recently read 50 shades of grey and decided she would like to try a dom/sub sexual relationship.
You should both be aware that the relationship depicted in 50 Shades of Grey is not a healthy BDSM relationship. It is thought that Anna lacks agency and consent, and doesn't engage in kink for herself, but just to be with him. For his part, Christian is regarded as heavily manipulative of her (and everyone else around him), a stalker, and a bit of a sociopath -- but he's rich and good looking so that works for him, I guess. You can learn more about 50 Shades from a BDSM perspective by checking out The Curious Kinky Person's Guide to 50 Shades of Grey.
> The first time we tried this, I bound her hands with a tie, blindfolded her, and just generally had my way with her.
I should caution you, as someone who is extremely interested in bondage, that ties are not the best bondage implements. In fact, they're pretty poor. For one, they have very short lengths typically, which doesn't give you a lot of options for ties. For two, they have very small diameters typically, which makes them require more wraps around a column to distribute pressure safely (and you've already got less length to do the wrapping). Finally, they are usually made from material that is very slippery and prone to hold knots so tight that you cannot untie them. These are terrible properties of bondage rope!
You should get some 6mm - 8mm (which is equivalent to 1/4" and 3/8" respectively) diameter rope in either cotton, nylon, or hemp (jute is similar but more expensive). Cotton is the cheapest and easiest to get a hold of. You will want 15 feet to 30 feet lengths. Most people find shorter lengths are too short to do much with, and longer lengths are far too long to work with effectively. Besides, you can always join ropes together to extend them should you fall short.
> I honestly really enjoyed being the dom.
That's great to hear! You should probably, being recently vanilla, take a read through BDSM for Nice Guys. They also have a nice selection of BDSM scenarios which should give you lots of ideas.
> We're looking to continue this type of sexual relationship but are unsure of our limits, what all we might be into, what we could even try. Any suggestions in exploring this?
This feels like my specialty, having fielded such questions in great volume in the last few days.
You should spend some time going through mojo upgrade, a BDSM checklist, and/or exploring the human sex map together with google/urban dictionary for things you don't know about.
Basically, you need to figure out which kinds of activities interest and excite your partner, which kinds of activities your partner is disinterested in, and which kinds of activities your partner absolutely does not want any part in. You should also figure out these same things for yourself!
Finally, go slowly, communicate, communicate, research, still more communication, and when you're done with that, communicate some more. You can always add in more later, but it is very difficult to "take back" things once they have gone too far.
Speaking of that, if you haven't already, you should definitely establish a safeword. One thing 50 Shades does have going for it is that they correctly represented the traffic light system of safewords which most everyone is familiar with. A very popular non-traffic light word is pineapples. Finally, unless you intend to actually engage in consensual non-consent (aka rape-play), there is no reason you should ignore words like "stop", "no", or "don't". If you do plan to devalue such words, using a safeword is imperative!
Here's my basic bondage spiel, should you be more interested in that.
Please check out our bondage basics article in /r/BDSMfaq. It is very informative and will say much of what I say here.
Depending on what you are looking to get into, I would highly recommend the following books, in no particular order:
For websites, you should most definitely check out Twisted Monk's video tutorials and the Two Knotty Boy's downloads. Rope specific subreddits include /r/shibari and /r/kinbaku.
For general knot-tying information, I like animated knots by grog, and of course your favorite search engine. Learning the basic terms can help you a lot, and if you really get interested in knots and rigging in general there's always /r/knots and sailing related stuff.
Not to add more complexity but if you are looking for other options besides just straight out and out divorce, and I'm not saying you should be, just if you are. Then I recommend this book.
https://www.amazon.com/More-Than-Two-Practical-Polyamory-ebook/dp/B01DQ20WZQ
For your first point. Are you actually interested in knowing? There are ways to increase your attractiveness, without becoming an entirely different person, and other than being:
These aren’t BAD qualities, but I wouldn’t say they lead to attraction.
Attraction is an emotion. It requires a bit of push/pull in your interactions with her.
Examples of “pull”:
Examples of “push”:
In the pull examples only she may feel overly secure in the relationship. This can lead to boredom and apathy. Mixing in a little push is good for both of you. Right now she’s all push and you’re all pull and the balance is off.
You should both find balance with that, but if you start it will initiate better balance for her as well.
Also check out this book (seriously!):
https://www.amazon.com/Way-Superior-Man-Spiritual-Challenges-ebook/dp/B004A8ZWM4 (if you google it you can find a free pdf version).
You have it made, little brother. You're beginning this journey at an optimal age. Your life, starting now, will be an amazing climb into all manhood has to offer the bold. Congratulations.
Now. Here are the instructions I would've given 17-year-old me.
Read:
The Way of Men by Jack Donovan.
The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida.
Everything by Robert Greene.
The works of Rudyard Kipling, Jack London, and Mark Twain. Plus Jules Verne if you enjoy science fiction. Read as many other classical authors as you want, there's a very good reason their work has stuck with us.
Psychology texts. Philosophy texts. Study how to think, what it means to think, and how the way people think has changed throughout history.
Speaking of, history texts. Learn from the triumphs and failures of men before you.
Do:
Study nutrition & exercise science. I recommend looking into the Paleo nutrition philosophy, but make up your own mind based on your own research. In fact, making up your own mind based on your own research should probably be the number one thing you focus on. Never follow the lead of the herd.
Learn how to build habits. This will help to increase your productivity throughout your life. Find your ideal routine, and stick with it until it's natural; then feel free to deviate occasionally. Practice mindfulness at all times.
Learn to fight. Martial arts, boxing, wrestling - study some form of self-defense, preferably more than one. When you can handle yourself in a fight, you've taken one step further along the path of truly understanding yourself.
Study people. Talk to people. Befriend people. Piss people off when you have cause. Ultimately, lead people.
Pursue your passions. Explore what makes you tick. Know your strengths, and excel at them.
Above all else, remember:
Think with your mind. Act from your balls.
Love doesn't mean you never doubt. It means that you team up together to work through those doubts. Are they on your team, and do they have your back on the days when all you want is a nap and vodka shot? Or are they contributing to your stress?
You are going to hear a lot about relationships failing because of the bias in reporting either really good or really bad news. Breathe, and let it go.
This book is a favorite of mine: https://www.amazon.com/Marry-Him-Case-Settling-Enough/dp/045123216X. It really walks through these questions in detail. Though written for women, I think it applies to all genders.
Absolutely. I'd rather gmow then be the guy she 'settled' for. If you're going to make a lifelong commitment and risk everything you've worked for, why be seen in her eyes as only 'Mr. Good Enough'?
Went to go look for the book you've posted about. Seems he has two postings of this book, one with 4 stars still, if i'm not mistaken. Regardless, good work, girls!
His wife literally wrote a handbook on threesomes.
Highly recommended book:
Insecure in Love: How Anxious Attachment Can Make You Feel Jealous, Needy, and Worried and What You Can Do About It by Leslie Becker-Phelps
Try and see that stress as a source of energy. Stop telling yourself stories about it, and use it instead. Exercise, go perform an act of service, start a new, interesting hobby, read a book. Don't sit there and dwell about it.
If you want to dwell about it, then sit there and dwell about it. Here's what I recommend: First, just sit. Second, find where it feels bad. Third, take a deep breath and try and find a place where it feels good. Fourth, notice that in the same space of awareness there are some sensations that feel good and some sensations that feel bad. Finally, realize that's all there ever is, a series of sensations, sometimes pleasant, sometimes unpleasant, constantly arising and passing away, and then - of course -- the stories we tell ourselves about those sensations.
If you're familiar with the practice of metta, do some of that. Extend metta to yourself and your wife -- neither of you is above the other. Imagine that love is unconditional and extend it to her even in a situation involving the darkest of fantasies you may have, fears of her cheating, becoming physically intimate with another, leaving you. Love her through it all. And love yourself through it all. She's free to make her own choices, and so are you. You are in a relationship, meaning that you co-exist in relation to one another. That relationship is never the same in any two moments.
Getting "married" and saying some vows doesn't create some magical bond that prevents bad things from happening. For some, the idea of marriage, and belief in the sanctity of it, impress powerfully on the mind and can ensure that intentions remain wholesome and positive. Others don't feel as strongly about the concept or cling to that belief. Neither is right or wrong. The point is: You're creating your relationship in each moment. It's always changing, and since you're in relation, you bear responsibility for that.
So, here you are now, in this moment. You feel bad. Again, use that. Get stronger. Become more confident. Learn to face fear. Everybody wants fear and stress to go away. That's weak minded. Let the fear stay. Invite it in. Anybody can exist peacefully when fear is absent, but courageous minds act even when they are afraid, even when stressed. They stare fear down and say "I love you, thanks for guiding me, for giving me energy, and helping to show me the way."
Get it together. Moping, stressing. What a waste of time. If you want some books to read, here are a few I suggest: The Five Love Languages. The concepts in that book are sound and will give you some clues on how to start expressing your love in your relationship more effectively. The Way of the Superior Man -- a classic that will give you some new perspectives on your relationship and what it means in the grand scheme of things.
PM me if you want some more advice or want to chat. For what it's worth, I had about a three-year hardcore, awakening-oriented meditation practice going, when I learned that my wife was actually cheating on me. I immediately forgave her and moved mountains to try and save the relationship for the sake of ourselves and our three-year old son. She left anyway to pursue the affair, and we got divorced. The divorce was quick and amicable. She and I remained friends despite it all. I'm even friendly with the new guy -- the affair partner -- who moved in with her just a few months later. I've seen some shit, friend. ;)
You're not a terrible person; shes a difficult person. You wanted to do something nice and logical and conventional, yet she denied it adamantly initially. Then you do the best thing given her wishes and she gets upset for it not being enough.
Look, I don't know your wife or you or your relationship dynamics, but given this situation and the information at hand, she seems to me like the kind of person that likes to be overly dramatic. The perpetual victim. The kind of person that will huff and puff and stomp around because something is wrong, but when you ask what's wrong she says, "Oh, it is nothing."
Dont let it get to you. If I am right about her character, I would highly suggest counseling because such a mentality is toxic. I also suggest reading some literature, as apparently it has changed the lives of many men. This book is a good one:
The Way of the Superior Man: A Spiritual Guide to Mastering the Challenges of Women, Work, and Sexual Desire https://www.amazon.com/dp/B004A8ZWM4/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_mAW6AbB7TY4T6
> In the last few months, I’ve come to consider something which I had always been so vehemently against, which is the idea of engaging other partners to fulfill this need, but it would have to be something she is okay with.
The best book on the subject is More Than Two by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert.
This is a long post, so I'm putting this up front; if you read nothing else I've said, read this: Not talking about this with him is the wrong response. You absolutely must talk to him about this. Clear communication is crucial to a healthy marriage, much less a good sexual relationship.
Now, from what you say, there are probably issues for both of you here. I can't talk too much about his motivations, because we haven't heard from him, only from you--but I'll make an effort from my perspective as a husband in a moment.
First, let's take a quick look at what you've said: you find sex with your husband tedious and dirty. "Dirty" is a problem--a significant one--because marital sex is anything but dirty. To live chastely within marriage is to have marital sex. Marital sex is a reflection of Christ's love for the Church, and the love within the Godhead. It's a sacramental act of unity and life. You absolutely must abandon this notion that sex with your husband is dirty, but it won't be easy. Labeling sex as "dirty" is an easy way we repel our sexual desire when embracing it is sinful (e.g., as teenagers and when we're engaged). Forget that label. Sex isn't dirty. Extramarital sex is sinful; sex within marriage is a gift from God to express love and intimacy with our entire selves (body and soul).
The tedium of sex may be tied to several different issues. I do want to ask about the frequency of your intercourse: from what you say, it sounds like you're having sex regularly (daily a few months ago, several times per week now). Does that mean that you are not practicing NFP and periodic abstinence? Are you instead trying to have children now, or are you using artificial contraceptives?
I ask because artificial contraceptives, aside from being sinful, are known to have detrimental side effects in your sex life. Condoms reduce sensation for both parties. Hormonal contraceptives reduce your sex drive and (based on studies in other primates) may reduce your natural desirability to your mate. If this is the situation, it could contribute to his disinterest and your boredom.
Are you experiencing painful intercourse? My wife struggled with intercourse for our first year of marriage because she had conditions called vaginismus and vestibulodynia, which caused the whole experience to be excruciating rather than pleasant. We made a joint, sincere effort using multiple methods to reduce those conditions and improve her experience for months before we saw any real progress. That can be another factor.
What is your general attitude toward sex? Have you ever found it remotely pleasurable? If not, have you spoken to your husband about your experience in the bedroom? Or are you treating sex like a solemn duty you must perform so that he feels fulfilled? The entire process of human marital sex is for both husband and wife to enjoy it. In a technical sense, neither one of you "must" enjoy it in order for the other to do so, but it is more enjoyable for both of you if you both enjoy it. If you have ever felt pleasure during intercourse, talk to your husband about that--ask him to pursue that before satisfying himself. Satisfying him sexually is easy; satisfying you sexually probably takes a little work, and that should be a worthwhile pursuit.
Now, on to him for a moment. My guess is that he loves you. If he was unchaste before dating you, then he didn't marry you just to have sex with you (because he didn't have to get married to have sex); from what you have said, he remained chaste while dating you and engaged to you, too. Which means he does love you, but he may not know quite what that means (or should mean). Again, talk to him about his actions, about how you feel, about how he feels. Talk to him about your marriage, about your future together.
On the pornography: it almost definitely predates your marriage and your relationship and is absolutely never your fault. That's on him. You didn't hold a gun to his head and force him to do it, and even if you had, he still shouldn't have done it. Never blame yourself for this. I know that's difficult to accept, but it's the truth. He, and only he, is responsible for his sins. If you're the coldest wife in the world who refuses sex for twenty years straight, watching pornography and masturbating would still be his sins.
The most important thing here is for both of you to come to a real, clear understanding of what married life within the Church is. You need to read about the Theology of the Body. Here is a short, relatively easy book on the subject. Here is the longer book behind that book. Here is a tome with the religious and philosophical underpinnings of it all. Here is a short video and here is a long one. Others will hopefully post other resources (podcasts, videos, books, etc.). This is critical. It sounds like you and your husband both are lacking important information about how marriage works in the Catholic Church.
The second most important thing is for you to improve your communication with your husband. Here is a box set of short books that can help with that (these significantly improved communication between my wife and I). I've also seen these at a local library.
Your husband needs to commit to improving your marriage as much as you do. You must talk to him as soon as possible. Don't put it off. He should know that something is wrong, especially if he's choosing pornography over you.
More details will enable us to help you more, but nothing will help as much as clear communication with your husband and a dedication to building the best marriage possible.
Yeah, I don't get how men can state they're sexual perverts that must filter themselves, but women, they don't get perversity. Wouldn't it make sense that we're just filtering ourselves too? We have more reason to be good at it, don't we?
Edit: My Secret Garden by Nancy Friday relevance.
> my info: im a super nerd. like i follow the pro starcraft scene and love space, science math etc. in really tall and am fairly lanky.
That's not necessarily bad... but if you want to do well with women, you'd be well served to not look the part of a "super nerd." Dress fashionably, but with a unique edge that sets your style apart from others. If you need help figuring out how to do that, hit up some of your female friends for advice, peruse GQ or Esquire or Mens Vogue, whatever.
> I tend to only have crushes on best friends and my last crush was when i was 17 (different person). Ive been caled a sweet heart and get frustrated when guys are disrespectful.
Guys get like that when they are scared to break rapport with women, and the only thing they can do is try to use pure "comfort game" to get close to the girls. Unfortunately, the result - as you may have noticed - is not usually favorable. Building comfort is important, but you have to do more... if you want girls, you have to project the vibe of a confident, mature, masculine, "in control", sexual man who "gets it." The "nerdy, insecure, shy, awkward teenage geek" vibe is a lot less effective.
> Ive been caled a sweet heart and get frustrated when guys are disrespectful.
You probably have both Nice Guy Syndrome and a touch of Disney Fantasy. I highly recommend you read the Dr. Robert Glover book No More Mr. Nice Guy, and the Neil Strauss book The Game. The former should help you understand more about asserting yourself, establishing boundaries, and being more authentic in your interactions with people. The latter will blow your mind in regards to understanding how men and women interact.
After that, it might not hurt to read Way of the Superior Man by Dave Deida.
Also, to disabuse yourself of the notion that women are all sweet and pure and innocent and virtuous and made of light (or sugar and spice and puppy dog tails, whatever) spend some time reading stuff like My Secret Garden by Nancy Friday, or The Good Girl's Guide to Bad Girl Sex by Barbara Keesling, or Chelsea Handler's My Horizontal Life.
Finally, read Sperm Wars by Robin Baker. That will make a great many things much clearer.
You HAVE cheated emotionally... it just hasn't progressed to physical yet.
You Know what you Should do... [take all this energy and pour it into making your marriage better: https://www.amazon.com/Love-Respect-Desires-Desperately-Needs/dp/1591451876/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1481725398&sr=8-1&keywords=love+and+respect ].
And I suspect that you know what you are Going to do (and are somehow hoping for a blessing from us???). I suspect that you will somehow try to maintain contact with this woman and building a deep friendship that makes you believe you are soulmates, but not have sex so you can feel so superior for restraining. Sexual tensions will rise, and you will start treating your family like crap until one day 1-6 months down the road, you give in. And you will look back and realize that you have thrown everything away and caused your wife the worst pain ever. I still have a real, physical heart condition from when my husband broke my heart... and that was before I knew he slept with her.
You have the opportunity to make the right decision now and cut off all contact with this woman. But will you do it?
The Marketplace Series by Laura Antoniou. They are bit hard core in that they are very serious - people are choosing to be sold into slavery. But there are a lot of REALLY sexy scenes and safety is always a priority. (And consensual non-consent.)
Otherwise, I tend to lean towards a lot of short story anthologies. Not every story will be a winner, but they offer a lot of variety.
Those are just a few. I really like the authors Rachel Kramer Bussel, Cecelia Tan, and Alison Tyler so I will often just search for anthologies with which they've been involved. Also, I don't know where you're located but my local library actually offers a lot of these as digital loans. It's a great way to check out new books discreetly and without blowing your budget!
Happy reading!!
The Mistress Manual, Miss Abernathy's Concise Slave Training Manual and [The Art Of Sensual Female Dominance] (http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0806520892) are all books about Female Dominance in some fashion or another. They are written by women, are quite readable and have overall good stuff going on for all of them. I can't recommend one specifically as an end all be all but I know each of them has good things to offer.
The Ultimate Guide to Kink is also a really great resource but it talks about a huge range of stuff and all of the essays are written by different people. It's not specifically about F/m but a nice general overview of all sorts of kinky activities.
Also, reading them to her in bed is adorable.
As with any other relationship issue, the key here is honest, forthright communication. Talk to your partner, let her know how you feel, and see how she feels.
You said she has an exclusive sexual interest in you, and that may be the case, but I wouldn't count on it. That's one of those little white lies mono people tell each other but it's almost never true. Talk to her, and more importantly, work to create a safe space for both of you to express your feelings honestly without recrimination.
You are also faced with a pretty difficult choice, OP. You're 18. You have your whole life ahead of you and you don't have to commit to anything for the rest of it, not to your girlfriend, and not to any one relationship style. What I recommend is deciding what you want, and then asking for it. Do you want to be non-monogamous with or without her? Do you want to be non-monogamous but only if it doesn't mean you have to break up? Think about that ahead of having conversations with her so you know the answer when she asks.
There are three really good books you should read on the subject: The Ethical Slut, More Than Two, and Opening Up. TES is a great guide to the world of non-monogamy, and all the different ways you can do it, and how. More Than Two is a very practical handbook for poly relationships, and includes a wealth of information on how to maintain your own boundaries and respect your partners, and conduct your relationship ethically. Opening Up specifically focuses on the challenges of and skills necessary to open an existing relationship, and does not just focus on polyamory but also swinging and other forms of non-monogamy.
Best of luck to you and yours, OP!
I have said it a few times in this sub, but I got 1001 Things to Discuss Before You Get Married and once a week or so, we sit down and go through a chapter or two. It really does help you learn a lot about each other and bring up topics you otherwise wouldn't think of or would have thought were unrelated to your marriage (e.g. 'Were you envious of other children when you were younger?' Our answers correlated with how we felt about buying our future children expensive things.) I got it on my Kindle for like $8.
I think especially where you're long distance, it's easier for you to see the relationship in the exact light you want to see it. You're not reading into body language or mannerisms in the same way you would in a 1:1 setting. You've been given no visible reason not to trust him. I'm pointing this out specifically only because it hasn't been addressed in the other comments, not because I think it's good or bad, just trying to be objective.
I'll recommend a great read I found years ago, Different Loving (brame/brame/jacobs). the amazon link is eloquenter than me
I’d suggest Christopher West for a beginners study
Then, if that’s “easy” you might go ahead and read the original text by JPII
If you are interested in more you can read JPII’s Love and Responsibly. That the philosophical foundation of his later work.
love and responsibility
There are literally entire books written about this type of thing (see Love and Responsibility). There isn't enough room here to do it justice, but I'll try to address some of your concerns.
> I believe love trumps all
I think that you should begin by examining what you really mean by this, and if that is really what you believe. This is a view that has probably become quite popular because of American culture. In all the romantic movies, the guy and the girl usually end up running away together and everything works out because they "love" each other. But that's now the way real life works, and I think it's a poor depiction of what real love is. Does love in fact trump all? That's a personal question about your own beliefs that I can't answer for you, but that you should think about.
I also want to mention that I think you should read Genesis 2-3. When I read that passage it helps me understand that men and women are, in fact, not "equal". They are not exactly the same. They are two completely different beings with different body parts and traits, who are both created in the image of God.
Love and Responsibility by Karol Wojtła
This book is based on Bl. Pope John Paul II's pastoral work as a priest and bishop in Poland before becoming pope. It is a philosophical treatment of love and family and is very dense but very good in my opinion. I first came across this book in a philosophy course. The other main texts utilized in this course were Plato's Phaedo and portions of St. Thomas Aquinas's Summa Theologica. I've been meaning to go back and reread this book for years.
Thick Face Black Heart is good for Business and Relationships:
https://www.amazon.com/Thick-Face-Black-Heart-Philosophy-ebook/dp/B00FOTS6LW/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1500983117&sr=8-1&keywords=thick+skin+black+heart
This book helped me understand why men behave the way they do:
https://www.amazon.com/Way-Superior-Man-Challenges-Anniversary/dp/1622038320/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1500983353&sr=1-1&keywords=the+way+of+the+superior+man+david+deida
There are a ton of others but these two should pretty much cover the basics
The venue search is kicking my ass. 100%. I ranted a couple weeks ago, but it's like they specifically try to hide the cost info as a way of reeling you in. I'm so sick of vendors playing these games, I'm a straightforward, direct, and honest person and I hate hate hate when people aren't the same with me.
As far as premarital counseling, we didn't/won't do it the conventional way, but we did painstakingly go through the "1001 Questions to Ask Before Getting Married" over the course of a few months (https://www.amazon.com/Questions-Before-Married-Family-Relationships/dp/0071438033). It was really good at making sure we were on the same page on both big and little issues, and raised lots of hypotheticals we never would have considered ourselves. I recommend it to everyone I know who gets engaged.
http://www.amazon.com/Marry-Him-Case-Settling-Enough/dp/045123216X
I read this book about a year ago. I'm not posting this as a scare tactic, but it seems the ball is no longer in your court. Here is a first hand account from an older woman, albeit 10-15 years older than you.
You read this and see if the resentment can be overcome. See if you can make things just a tiny bit better in some small way, today. That is where you start. You don't have to fix it all at once - you just try to improve one small thing.
Things can come back from the abyss. If you can make it happen, it's very worth it. Sometimes it only takes one person to say "I'm going to do something different today" and that gets the ball rolling. It isn't easy, but it is possible.
I've been married for decades, FWIW, and have been in and out of love many times. That isn't a great metric.
Every Catholic thinker on the planet teaches otherwise. Even the Catechism passages you quote and encyclical passages you cite teach otherwise. Going off about masturbation and contraception is an irrelevant red herring. No Pope or Doctor has ever taught that every single sex act must be specifically an attempt to have a child. The fact that NFP is allowed means that this is not the case. I think you have a very immature understanding of sexuality and little knowledge of human biology as well.
Since you think you're so pre-Vatican II, start with some actual pre-Vatican II thought.
My Secret Garden collection of women's fantasies by Nancy Friday was kind of an eye-opener for me when I was going through a "dry spell".
Admittedly, it is years since I read it, and it is kind of an old book, but although some parts of it were strange, some parts of it did - let's say - affect me somewhat.
Best of luck to you, and I hope that you feel better before too long. I'm no longer on anti-depressants, but they did affect me adversely in some ways as well, so wishing you well, sister.
The Playbook
The Bro Code
https://www.amazon.com/Bro-Code-Barney-Stinson/dp/143911000X
You could also buy The Playbook and stay in budget
https://www.amazon.com/Playbook-Suit-Score-chicks-awesome/dp/1439196834/
> Now Flip The Sexes & See If You Could Even Publish It On Amazon?
Well, you can't flip the sexes exactly, but despite the news that Amazon had apparently removed a number of books by Daryush 'Roosh V' Valizadeh, a very quick Amazon search shows that there is more than enough coming the other way, as it were:
And, surprisingly in a way, given the recent fuss:
the best suggestion I can offer is to realize that men communicate differently than women and need different things in relationship. lots of women assume that their preferred mode of communication is better, so they get angry or assume something's wrong when a guy doesn't communicate similarly. you don't seem to have this problem, writing "which doesn't go down too well, because he justifiably feels pretty victimised." while you recognize it's a two-way street, lots of women don't -- and guys can get conditioned to regard communicating with women as a threat. I suspect this happened with your BF. Journalist Jack Kammer wrote that women often complain men are calloused, while forgetting that callouses develop to protect sensitive areas from repeated irritation.
you might want to read a book called "Love and Respect," by Emerson Eggerichs. I stumbled across a radio interview with him a few weeks ago, and was very impressed. He writes from a Christian perspective, but in the segment I heard he wasn't a Bible-thumping type (I'm not religious, and wasn't put off by the Christian content). His basic idea idea is that men need to feel respected as much as they feel loved (if not more). But women don't understand this need for respect, so men withdraw, women get angry, men feel even less respect, and a nasty cycle starts. It all resonated with me, because I've dumped several girlfriends who were repeatedly disrespectful towards me in ways that he described.
short overview here: http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/communication_and_conflict/the_love_and_respect_principle/basics_of_love_and_respect.aspx
More info:
http://www.amazon.com/Love-Respect-Desires-Desperately-Needs/dp/1591451876/ref=cm_cr_pr_product_top
Edit
I haven't read the book yet, because about 15 people were ahead of me in the hold queue at my library.
This might be a useful book for you to read:
https://www.amazon.com/Insecure-Love-Anxious-Attachment-Jealous/dp/1608828158/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_14_t_0?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=JSVJEKZ70Q4BRHY3KS6N
https://www.amazon.com/Insecure-Love-Anxious-Attachment-Jealous/dp/1608828158
Have your friend order him to fill out a Submissive's BDSM Checklist so that she has some idea of what he likes and doesn't like. He may have the idealistic view that a Dominant should just "know," or he may be too embarrassed to tell her directly -- maybe writing it down via the Checklist and not having to say it will be a good starting point for discussion, and he will feel less shy and start talking.
HOWEVER, I would recommend to your friend that if he won't talk about it at all, that she doesn't do anything until he's willing to communicate and own his desires in some way. If he can't communicate outside the scene, he probably won't do so "in scene," and that is a recipe for drama and disaster, as well as possible injury.
EDITING to add that a wonderful resource for women whose male partners have expressed an interest in Domination is The Mistress Manual: The Good Girl's Guide to Female Dominance. Another good (although very heteronormative and directed toward MaleDoms and femsubs, it has great info and exercises, nonetheless) book for beginners is Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns.
Link dump!
Threads:
1,
2,
3,
4.
Instructionals: Two Knotty Boys,
Twisted Monk.
Books: Showing you the Ropes,
Back On the Ropes, Complete Shibari,
Erotic Bondage Handbook.
Must Know Knots: One Comlun Tie,
Two Column Tie.
Subreddits: /r/bondage, /r/kinbaku+shibari, /r/bdsmdiy
That should be a good start. Also, look for any related posts to this one, there are about a million (This question is asked every few days, and there are some great answers in the logs.)
The New Topping Book - For good general Dom knowledge
The New Bottoming Book - For good general Sub knowledge
SM 101: A Realistic Introduction - Nice Intro Book
Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns - Another good book into BDSM
Two Knotty Books: Showing You the Ropes - Good knot book
Two Knotty Boys: Back on the Ropes - Another good knot book
Erotic Bondage Handbook - Another knot book
Shibari You can USe - Book on Shibari knots
Videos on knots - TwistedMonk
It's still irrelevant. You're better off getting a part time job and renting a room off campus than living under the thumb of your parents. I do live alone and have graduated with an undergrad and masters degree. I had a very difficult and painful time setting boundaries with my parents, but in the end it was worth it.
I strongly suggest reading The way of the superior man it is an excellent read and well worth the time and money.
I started reading Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl when someone I connected with through this sub mentioned it to me. The author has a lot to say about hot/cold cycles, and not to allow any disappearance to go unquestioned or unchallenged.
Oddly, my personal experience reading it (so far) has made me realize how comparatively well-treated I am for an AP (still a big caveat), but I think some of the stuff she hammers on about might be useful to you, if you're interested. And especially if you're feeling like you're done with it.
If you look at meta as added value for your partner, something that simply increases his happiness, and know it's nothing against relationship between you both - you should be fine :). Both of you are in that happy position that you mutually care about each other, respect your freedom, and don't try to enforce or forbid anything. In my opinion it's absolutely wonderful way to love another person, so... just enjoy what you have :).
If you're looking for a good quick read specifically about jealousy, there's an excerpt from More Than Two separately published as Polyamory and Jealousy - quick read, 30 pages, definitively worth looking at. But I'd recommend getting MTT, too - it covers wide range of mechanics and situations you might encounter when being close more than 1 partner. You can find useful tips about building healthy hierarchical relationships there, too.
> how to destroy a woman now
https://www.amazon.com/How-Destroy-Man-Now-DAMN-ebook/dp/B07BB2M54Y/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1551152322&sr=1-1&keywords=how+to+destroy+a+woman+now
Kudos for surfing the reddit threads.
Open-relationships are WORK. Honesty and communication are #1 on that list. It can 100% work where only one partner is open, and that's totally fine.
Lately, the r/polyamory boards are *mostly cis-hetero couples wanting to open their relationships so their wives can sexually explore or so they can have threesomes....so as of late, I wouldn't suggest that /r being your best option.
What I can suggest (to start with) is this:
what a time to be alive
There is the opposite version too.
There's a difference though. A man can theoretically always improve himself to the point of getting 9's and 10's. It involves improvement to the point where you're rich, famous, high status, etc. Theoretically, there is no limit to how far a man can improve himself short of his own limitations when it comes to attracting women. Yes, we're entering golddigger territory, but that still counts for the sake of this argument.
Women can't theoretically improve themselves without limit. There is a limit to how far they can improve their looks.
One of the things here is that men really don't have as many "dealbreakers" and "must-haves" as women when it comes to picking a long term partner. When we tell women that they have high standards, part of it is that they have too many standards (each one obviously restricts their dating pool), but they also usually have mutually exclusive or incongruent standards that can actually not be attained.
There is an entire book written on this subject called "Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough".
Different Loving Is basically considered the bible to BDSM. It is written like a research book with history, anecdotal stories, descriptions, etc.
Okay I will share with you and I read in one of your past comments that you consider yourself to be someone with critical thinking skills who reads self help books and tries to better herself. I think if that's true, some of what I say may be of benefit to you.
First, it's no surprise that men and women are different. What we don't always think about is just how dfferent we can be when it comes to what motivates us most with intimate partners. Men and women both want to feel emotionally connected to each other. Men can feel connected like that constantly through sheer physical proximity such as being in the house together even if in seperate rooms. Women need to spend more time engaging through sharing of their anxieties and also their emotional highs to feel very connected.
You can probably think of a time that you and a girlfriend had a heart to heart that started with her telling you that she's very upset with you and feeling very insulted by something you said or did. Your immediate reaction would be to want to talk and resolve and you probably felt alarm and empathy for how she was feeling. You wanted to get somewhere that you could open up to each other. She signaled to you in the way she approached, that she was feeling disconnected with you and she is bringing it up with the intention of reconnecting. She expects that you will want to do the same thing.
Women are driven by a need to feel valued, to be close and connected and to feel secure that they won't be abandoned. They need to know that those they're close to won't cut off their love for them.
If you have tried to open a conversation with a man the same way your friend did with you, you may have noticed his back going up immediately. When you tell a man that he's caused anxiety in you, his first reaction is to feel shamed for making you feel that way. A fight or flight reaction kicks in and he will either try to avoid the conversation and the intensity of your perceived negative emotions towards him, or he will fight you and argue that they're invalid and illogical.
Men are most driven by wanting to avoid the feeling of shame and inadequacy. A man wants to feel capable. He wants to feel like his masculine self is admired by those around him and that the women in his life feel like he's their greatest protector.
What OP has done, reading between the lines, is set off her hubby's fight or flight response. She's exposed her anxiety on the subject of oral sex, and he's admitted he feels like he's not good at it.
This is the most telling part of her post:
> Reason 4: He says it takes too long or that he doesn't know what he's doing. Okay isn't that the way to know by doing it and learning? By him being so temperamental about it, it gives me performance anxiety where there's too much pressure to even enjoy it!
In his most honest moment with her around this he took a great leap of faith and admitted to her that he doesn't feel like he's good at pleasing her with his mouth. This is not easy for men to admit and her reaction clearly wasn't helpful. It amounts to "suck it up and get better". Then she also says he's "being temperamental about it" which is understandable because he's wrestling with feelings of shame during intimate moments with her which amplifies his fight or flight instincts.
Her attempts to talk about how her needs are not being met seem perfectly reasonable to female Rsexers and to feminized men. But she's trying to connect with him the way that she would want him to connect with her (ie: like a woman reconnects with another woman).
If she wants to be successful in getting oral sex from him she needs to talk to him in a way that makes them partners in experimenting and cracking the code - finding the way for him to give her oral sex that is really really good and that she really really enjoys. She's coming at him head on insisting on talking and shining a flashlight on the problem. This will fail.
She needs to change her entire attitude and forget about having a direct heart to heart about her emotions and trying to "figure him out" so he will go down on her.
She needs to approach him with an indirect solution on how to try oral sex again that doesn't activate his shame.
WRONG APPROACH: "Honey, I want to talk to you about how you can't seem to please me with your mouth, I really want to connect with you and understand how you feel about all this so I can fix you and get more oral sex from you.
BETTER APPROACH: "Honey, I stumbled across this awesome video on /r/sex today that got me so fucking hot. It has some stuff in there that I'd love to try with you.
Here's my favourite one by the way: http://extramilf.com/blog/2008/09/23/cunnilingus-lessons-with-nina-hartley-learn-how-to-eat-pussy-right/
By making the video an experience they can both experiment with, instead of making it a remedial effort to fix him and his problem (activating his shame), she has a chance. This will more than likely get him to go down on her to attempt some of the techniques, she can even identify the ones she thinks would work best on her. Men by their nature like to fix things so with some new possible tools from the video he has a reason to try oral with her that avoids triggering his shame.
Once he starts she needs to let go of her own anxiety and make each oral session all about encouraging him doing things that feel good on her pussy. At first especially she can't give too much direction or he'll feel like he's doing it all wrong again. She needs to over dramatize how great it feels when it feels good.
Lots of positive encouragement. Then after a few minutes reward him with praise and by pouncing on his cock.
She shouldn't let the first few sessions go too long because he'll be able to tell when she's not enjoying it. She needs to respond with her voice and her body when it feels good so that he can feel and hear when he's doing something that works for her.
The first few times should in no way be about her orgasming, it is all about helping him figure out that he can pleasure her and how to repeat it.
If you're interested in reading a very well sourced and researched book on communicating with partners without just talking I couldn't recommend this one more: http://www.amazon.ca/Improve-Marriage-Without-Talking-About/dp/0767923189
I know people who got pregnant while using birth control.
If you confess fornication and struggle with accepting the Church's teaching on sex, may I suggest digging deeper? I've had to do that to understand more than one topic. Theology of the Body, Love and Responsibility, and Humanae Vitae are great places to start. If you're anything like me and you suck at theology, Christopher West and Edward Sri might be helpful.
PLAYBOOK!
http://www.amazon.com/The-Playbook-Score-chicks-awesome/dp/1439196834/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1348972742&sr=8-1&keywords=the+playbook
Express these concerns to her, it's good that you gave her an extra hug and took care of her after. Also it's a threesome so you should be able to come to a 3 way agreement. All of this needs to be communicated between you and your GF as well as the 3rd person (maybe this same dom, or whoever you choose to bring in to the relationship)
​
I would suggest looking into
r/BDSMAdvice
r/BDSM
and if you're interested this really great book on the logistics of threesomes
https://www.amazon.com/Threesome-Handbook-Practical-Guide-SLEEPING/dp/1568583338
​
ANY relationship requires immense amounts of honest and respectful communication but even more so when there's a threesome
I think there is a lot here and it would take a literal book to unpack it all.
Try this book. It helped me a lot.
The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play and the Erotic Edge https://www.amazon.com/dp/157344779X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_bzLTCbAMV27R9
We worked through 1001 Questions to Ask Before You Get Married. We found the material to be inclusive of different faiths, politics, and sexual orientation. Any questions involving faith are from the perspective of "Is this a potential cause for friction in our relationship?" Several formats are used between chapters - discussion questions, quizzes you take separately and then compare answers, situations with hypothetical people you "advise" on what to do, etc.
Some chapters in the book don't apply to everyone (military spouses, marrying a celebrity or felon). Others may contain redundant questions you and your partner may have already discussed ad nauseam. But if you make it through the entire book without learning a single thing? Congratulations - you're out like $10 and are a boss at marriage prep.
We've been going through [this book] (https://www.amazon.com/Questions-Before-Married-Family-Relationships/dp/0071438033/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1501447710&sr=8-2&keywords=questions+before+you+get+engaged) with a glass of wine. It can be a little silly for the irrelevant questions, but it has helped get us on the same page.
> Is it the format that allows people to be significantly more picky than they would be in real life?
People really are this picky in real life. Before the rise of free web apps, actual dating services cost hundreds to tens of thousands of dollars per year. Nowadays, you are able to reject people you never would have met before.
Romance novels, porn and the movie industry have instilled pathologically bad expectations in people. An example of a book that describes how bad these expectations are is Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough.
> Or is it that all dating is a shit show and online is no better?
There you go. You got it.
Read Different Loving and be open with her. If you like it, enjoy it. It isn't for everybody but it is "normal".
Edit, "[" fix
He definitely sounds uninterested in talking about things. Most men are. I've just started a book called How to Fix Your Marriage Without Talking About It and it's pretty interesting.
Basically, the harder you try to connect or get close to him, the further he pushes you away. You're working from a place of fear and anxiety, and his motivations for treating you the way he does come from shame. Most of this is subconscious but it affects the way conflict plays out.
With your husband being ill, you being his caretaker and the main breadwinner, it's very likely he's coming from a place of shame when he makes those jokes and withdraws from you. Subconsciously, at least, the most important things to a man are being a protector, a provider and a lover. He's failing at all three right now, so he's in a bad place mentally and it's spilling over into your relationship.
You've been so strong for him and your family and it sucks to hear that basically, you're gonna just have to keep being the strong one, but that's pretty much the deal if you're going to stay.
I totally understand how frustrating it is when you truly believe that the solution to your perceived problem is: more talking, more dates, more closeness and affection. That makes perfect sense in your brain. Those are the things you feel are lacking, so you figure you can just keep pushing for them, asking in different ways and eventually he'll "get it."
He won't. You'll keep banging your head against the wall, so maybe it's time to change your approach.
Our Q&A a Day: 3-Year Journal for... https://www.amazon.com/dp/0770436684?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share
Maybe Love and Responsibility too!
Uh.
Except the difference is that pleasure is a side-effect, rather than an end. Which is not to say that pleasure is bad, indeed, we have books written by popes on how couples can ensure they achieve simultaneous orgasm. Don't believe me? Check out these bits from Karol Woljitya (aka Pope John Paul II)'s book Love and Responsibility
>Sexologists state that the curve of arousal in woman is different from that in man–it rises more slowly and falls more slowly…. The man must take this difference between male and female reactions into account, not for hedonistic, but for altruistic reasons. There exists a rhythm dictated by nature itself which both spouses must discover so that climax may be reached both by the man and by the woman, and as far as possible occur in both simultaneously.
>If a woman does not obtain natural gratification from the sexual act there is a danger that her experience of it will be qualitatively inferior, will not involve her fully as a person…. it is usually the result of egoism in the man, who failing to recognize the subjective desires of the woman in intercourse, and the objective laws of the sexual process taking place in her, seeks merely his own satisfaction, sometimes quite brutally.
Sex is designed to be pleasurable. But that's not what makes it holy. Food is designed to be tasty. But that's not what makes it nutritious.
>Yeah, the Church fails miserably here.
I did not realize that the Mission of the Church was to provide dating opportunities. How foolish of me to think that Her mission here on earth is to save souls.
You are right. How selfish of Mother Church.
>but we also lack any traditional or modern discernment aids for marriage.
Oh? For as long as you have been here, you have never heard of Theology of the Body?
What about Three to Get Married by Fulton Sheen?
Or Love and Responsibility by Karol Wojtyla?
A simple Google Search will give you many, many resources. If only you would take the time to look.
>I'd love to be able to use a Catholic resource on this
How about A Catholic Handbook for Engaged and Newly Married Couples? Would that work?
Do not be afraid to ask your pastor or your chancery for recommendations. The Church has a wealth of resources for all things related to vocations.
For the record lots of women have rape fantasies - its not abnormal and you really shouldn't feel guilty about it. I would recommend reading Nancy Fridays My secret garden.
Or download the PDF
A lot ex-mormon guys should read it. Helps you realize women aren't all innocent little angel princesses but in fact have some very sexy-dirty fantasies.
The field hasn't changed, you've just never been on it. To bring your self up to speed I'd recommend Roosh's book Bang or the follow up Day Bang.
I'd start here:
https://www.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/9ex1v7/lift_faggot_lift/
Then all this
https://www.amazon.ca/Manosphere-New-Hope-Masculinity-ebook/dp/B00D74DQ8E
https://www.amazon.ca/Red-Queen-Evolution-Human-Nature-ebook/dp/B006O4227U/ref=sr_1_fkmr0_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1483461928&sr=1-1-fkmr0&keywords=mat+ridley+red+queen
https://www.amazon.ca/Practical-Female-Psychology-Man-ebook/dp/B00RR6RNO6
http://www.returnofkings.com/misc/The-Solomon-Group.pdf
If anyone can find where yareally ended up, would be appreciated
http://www.djbible.classicalgasemissions.com/antidumpsmachine.pdf
https://www.amazon.ca/Warriors-soldiers-soul-Terrence-Popp-ebook/dp/B009SQHZIM
https://www.amazon.com/Day-Bang-Casually-Girls-During/dp/1463765045/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_14_t_0?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=0Y5D0CFXP2QZ9NE47NG5
15 isn't too young, but this community is a bit of 'blowtorch'. A lot of good, helpful resources and advice, a lot of shit, and a lot of angry/upset guys who are trying to redefine themselves.
A better alternative is maybe to show him some of the resources that TRP links to, not necessarily TRP itself.
The Rational Male is a really good resource; the 'best of' posts being a good place for him to start.
Mark Manson's 'Models' is a good book to start with, although I would pair that with 'The Rational Male' book (Manson is just a tad soft on the nature of women IMO, but to be fair he was going for a more mainstream audience). A really good resource, especially for someone as young as he is, is The Book of Pook, arguably the main foundational resource.
I would also tentatively recommend 'Bang' and 'Day Bang' by Roosh V. Now Roosh V is a fuckwit douchebag, but in terms of pickup (which is distinct from TRP) he knows his stuff.
Finally I would suggest Mark Rippetoe's 'Starting Strength' to start him building muscle, or, if he doesn't have access to a gym, a book on bodyweight fitness would be good (there's a subreddit which has recommendations).
There is a book that answer all of your questions. Read it with your BF
https://www.amazon.com/Threesome-Handbook-Practical-Guide-SLEEPING/dp/1568583338
You have your work cut out for you. Here is my advice:
Hopefully he will be on board, it actually sounds like he was open to the idea, but he probably has no clue where to start or what to do and is afraid to ask. That's where step 2 comes in.
A Dom's Guide To Submissive Training
and
The Ultimate Guide to Kink (By Tristan Taormino)
Is he not much into reading? Then both of you should watch:
Tristan Taormino's Rough Sex (if you're into rough sex)
or
Tristan Taormino's kinky sex for couple
TLDR: Tell him you need this, show him exactly what you need. Give him the tools (mental, emotional, physical) to give you what you need. Set the date, and follow through.
Recommended reading...
The Ultimate Guide to Kink by Tristan Taormino (excellent all round guide with different chapters being written by different 'experts' in their field)
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Ultimate-Guide-Kink-Tristan-Taormino/dp/157344779X
Also The Loving Dominant
http://www.amazon.co.uk/LOVING-DOMINANT-John-Warren-Libby/dp/1890159727/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1381581398&sr=1-1&keywords=the+loving+dominant
Apart from that, try joining Fetlife.com It is crammed full of advice, information and also will help you find your local community
Mollyxxx
Is she trying to drag you down, or does she think it's just playful teasing? If she thinks it's just playful teasing, then maybe you could try bringing it up (calmly, using "I statements", and all that) sometime when you're on a dinner/coffee date.
If she's acting with malice, rather than ignorance, there's probably a reason. I would recommend reading "Love and Respect" by Emerson Eggerichs. You may want to follow that with "The Five Love Languages" to find more specific ways of showing love (to her) and respect (to you). These are hands-down the best relationship/marriage books I have read, religious or secular.
(disclaimer: both books are written by Christian authors and contain references to the Bible. Both books are very accessible to and useful for non-Christians.)
Good luck.
If you struggle greatly with break ups there's a pretty high chance you have an insecure attachment style, and it sounds like you may be somewhat Anxious-Preoccupied. I'd recommend the book "Insecure in Love" by Leslie Becker-Phelps. Seeing a really good therapist who specialises in attachment style can also help greatly.
Also you might have more luck searching for platonic cuddle buddies, so you could check out r/cuddlebuddies or CuddleComfort.com. Another option is looking for local cuddle parties or starting your own local Facebook group.
If anyone wants a “healthy” book on masculinity, I highly recommend “The Way of the Superior Man: A Spiritual Guide to Mastering the Challenges of Women, Work, and Sexual Desire” https://www.amazon.com/Way-Superior-Man-Challenges-Anniversary/dp/1622038320
> My experience is that ideas about masculinity and femininity are wildly conditioned by society and culture to the point of being so meaningless that they have never been useful ideas to me.
This is not what I am referring to.
Masculinity and femininity in the way I refer to them are not ideas.
Check out The Way of the Superior Man: A Spiritual Guide to Mastering the Challenges of Women, Work, and Sexual Desire. Highly recommend it.
That helps. My wife read The Mistress Manual and got a lot out of it, especially in terms of the relationship dynamic. I never read it (I wasn't supposed to), but she seems a lot more comfortable as the top now.
As for the BDSM play, that's pretty broad as well. Bondage is the only one I've read a lot on. A great rope bondage book to own is The Knotty Boys Show You The Rope.
Of course, there's a giant list of other types of play you might want. Just go to Fetlife and look at the fetishes list. Feel free to come back here for advice.
The one thing every single book will say is to communicate with your partner. Do it. Seriously.
I would suggest you read this book.
https://www.amazon.com/Mistress-Manual-Girls-Female-Dominance/dp/1890159190
It really dives into the mental aspect of female domination. I have never read it my self (I am told it's better if the guy doesn't read it) but the 2 women I have had my femdom adventures with seem to really get into it after reading it. I find confindence as the most important aspect for the domme to have, and remember he wants you to be the dominate one so you shouldn't cateror to his wants
Before you spend money on book(s), http://mojoupgrade.com is a good starting point. Especially if you answer and discuss the questions together.
http://www.amazon.com/The-Topping-Book-Dossie-Easton/dp/1890159360
http://www.amazon.com/101-Realistic-Introduction-Jay-Wiseman/dp/0963976389/
http://www.amazon.com/Mistress-Manual-Girls-Female-Dominance/dp/1890159190/
My required reading list:
Ties that Bind by Guy Baldwin
SlaveCraft by Guy Baldwin
Urban Aboriginals by Geoff Mains
Two Knotty Boys Back on the Ropes
The SMTech educational series are pretty good, Lolita Wolf's are some of my favorites.
Read this book:
https://www.amazon.com/Way-Superior-Man-Spiritual-Challenges-ebook/dp/B004A8ZWM4/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1510014338&sr=8-1&keywords=way+of+the+superior+man
"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option"
~ Mark Twain
​
He has someone else. He will never admit it so the conversation is pointless to have. I would get on the 30 day "no contact" program and recommend reading "Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl" It will change your life
https://www.amazon.com/Unavailable-Fallback-Girl-Understanding-Emotionally-ebook/dp/B005WJGPZI
Maybe check out He's Just Not That Into You also? I've never read that one.
I've seen it (because the pdf is online just 'there' and yeah I wanted to see if it was indeed bullshit so I wasted 10 minutes for a skim) and the writing is not great... one can tell the author is not really an academic (or if they were it was not applied to this), and the academic research level of this "Dr Confidential" for this context might just give Jenny McCarthy a run for her money... so many googled website listings and anecdotal "I've seen this ranking on page 3 of google"....
by the by...MGTOW responded to this book as well...hmm aaaaaannnndddd.... pretty sure whoever made it got close to the response they wanted.
https://www.amazon.com/How-Destroy-Man-Now-DAMN-ebook/dp/B07BB2M54Y/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1551023596&sr=8-1&keywords=HOW+TO+DESTROY+A+WOMAN
edit: here is a non-Amazon review about it also.It does point out they were made aware of it on Twitter. :(
Over on Goodreads (I like that place) there are only 8 reviews at this time and all of them are basically "dafuq?"
TL;DR-- I could believe it to be satire also, but if so, it's already been misinterpreted to the point of being damaging (eg. twitter outrage) There's also a line on p. 55 for people who are actually reading it that leads me to believe it is more hateful than satire -- We're defeating our oppressors by turning the captain's command of "women and children first" into "men last" while we sink their ship
edit #2--- here's the stock photo the 'author' used on the back cover.
I was in a very similar situation to you! My husband has always been into it, but I found it really awkward and kinda bizarre. The problem I had was that I respect him, so found demeaning him so very wrong! I found an e-book which really helped me, and I can't recommend it enough! It completely changed my perspective. It's more of a "changing your mentality" guide than a "this-is-how-to-tie-a-knot" guide, which was exactly what I needed. The key thing with domination is that it really doesn't work if you're uncomfortable or nervous about it. Also, its not really about what you do. It's about the whole experience.
I found an interesting documentary on Netflix (here in the UK, don't know about anywhere else) called Fetishes, which filmed inside a BDSM dungeon, which was really interesting, because it shows interviews with individuals who are into BDSM and why they like it, and how it makes them feel.
I wish you all the best! I really would at lead read the free sample of that book - it helped me so much.
I love xeromag's intro and especially the intro for 'nice guys'.
Love the pervocracy although Cliff's more blogger par excellence than resource. Lot's of resource-y links on there.
Not specifically BDSM, but since consent is discussed amongst kinksters more than at the world at large (which is a tragic shame for the world at large), I recommend some yes means yes.
Since shopping comes up a lot, the stockroom, the collar factory, both highly recommended. Also /r/bdsmDIY for those who don't have the money for the high end stuff, or want to try out a new style of play before investing a couple hundred bucks on it.
Paper books I love:
That a start?
I think it may be too soon for a redressing of that balance (because a glass ceiling still exists in many ways), but that day is coming when men will take on their own liberation from the expectations of their own gender too.
If you look at the crime stats, men are the overwhelming perpetrators of violence, sexual violence etc and have lower life expectancy, bad health and many other attributed differences. And now women as an aggregate in school are moving ahead of men, with higher grades, and in many fields more university entrants.
Some of those attributes might be genetically related, in that inherently the sexes are different and aggregate attributes will be different. However the key is that men won't be constrained as they are now in a social expectation of who they are, what they can or should do and be etc.
Men will claim it, just like women claimed their own liberation. Women and men will then celebrate their own perspectives, differences and genders.
It's an oldie, but I recommend a simple but inspiring and practical book on the subject: The way of the superior man
Edit: and be
Every man here should read The Way of the Superior Man. It's a spiritual guide to mastering the challenges of women, work, and sexual desire.
I'm in the middle of listening to it right now. Here's the link to the description if you scroll down. She does a great job of highlighting different qualities in a partner that should be red flags but our sometimes rose-tinted glasses let us ignore. There's more to it than that but it has been pretty entertaining.
When we started dating, we were mono but we discussed both being pansexual and I let him know early on that if he wanted to explore that, I was okay with it, but we had to be really open and honest and communicative/respectful. As time went on and we were exposed to more sort of radical thinking and embracing ourselves more in the comfort of a stable, loving relationship, we decided to fully go for it. It helps to have literature to read together too- there's some great books like More Than Two that could help guide the process, if you want to approach it with your partner :)
Ha, someone made a satire book to this on Amazon.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B07BB2M54Y/ref=cm_sw_r_wa_api_i_lGc1Cb61526KY
A version for men, how to destroy a (wo)man now
So, there is a book that I highly recommend the two of you go through together. Its literally a list of questions. Most of them are essay or conversation starters a few at the end of each section are multiple choice.
My now husband and I went through the book prior to getting engaged and it was extremely helpful. Parts of it are funny and other parts are very serious. Its gonna cover family and how you want to interact with each family... and its gonna have some really hokey examples to break up the more serious parts.
Many couples get married because they love each other but being in love is not enough. You have to be compatible as well - that means being able to solve problems, having similar life goals, etc. If you can go through a book like this then maybe you can stay together, not necessarily that he's marriage material:
http://www.amazon.com/1001-Questions-Ask-Before-Married/dp/0071438033
EVERYONE should go through a book like this before getting married. It would put many divorce lawyers out of business.
> So I brought it up and asked if we could work on a time-frame. He refused to discuss a time-frame and told me he still didn't feel ready... I wish that he would open up to me about what his reservations regarding marriage are... but so far... he hasn't. Marriage is very important to me. I've done a lot of soul searching and I know that long term, I couldn't remain happy unmarried.
I think y'all just need to communicate more. Describe to him what marriage means to you. Ask him what marriage means to him. In your minds, how does a married relationship differ from an unmarried one, all else being equal? How does he feel about other big commitments with you, e.g. going halfsies on a mortgage, or a dog, or some kids? Can he happily imagine himself married to you if you were different in some way? If he were different in some trivial way (e.g. his hobbies won't change, or if they do, they will always be compatible with yours)? Are there any external circumstances that he feels need to be met before he is ready for marriage (e.g. the two of you have X moneys saved)? How does he feel about other peoples' marriages -- e.g. high school sweethearts getting married at 18, the fifth marriage of a serial divorcee, a politically strategic marriage arranged between the children of heads of state, etc. What to him would describe the worst plausible marriage? The most common downside to existing marriages? The most common upsides? If you reduce marriage to its base components -- e.g. filing taxes jointly, a public declaration of love and commitment, disincetivising separation, power of attorney, child custody agreement, hospital visitation rights, alimony, etc. etc. which ones does he like least? (e.g. would he be OK with a legal alimony agreement between the two of you, independent of all the other stuff? Would he be ok with a public absolutely-not-marriage-not-legally-binding-at-all handfasting?)
If he's comfortable thinking about taboo-tradeoffs, try to identify roughly how much he prefers not being married to you. Would he marry you if an eccentric billionaire gave you each 1M USD upon seeing your legitimate marriage certificate? $100K? Would he marry you to save a dozen strangers' lives? Would he rather elope with you tomorrow, or chop off three fingers of his choosing? etc. etc. Most people have trouble thinking about their values in this way but it can be quite illuminating. If he can do the either/or's easily, ask him for quantitative pinpoints -- how many fingers would he need to lose to achieve marriage parity?
Do you know each other well enough? For example, can each of you accurately answer these for the other? What about these? Or these, these, these, these, etc. etc.
> I grew up believing that you married the love of your life.
Why is that? To what extent would the institution of marriage have to be different for you not to believe that? e.g. if work relocated the two of you to some foreign culture where it's regarded differently.
I was on your situation, and I am much older, plump, and a late bloomer. I had my first relationship with a friend with whom I had harbored feeling for 3 years. Broke me up 6 months later for another girl and I was crushed. I was 33. I joined OLD 4 years ago, subscribe and paid at most sites but never had a single date. Ended up spending the next 3 years falling with a younger friend who never saw me more than a sister.
I started Tinder half a year ago. Met men who mostly wanted hookups, went to few dates but could not build chemistry. Most of these guys were asking why I stayed single as they saw me attractive, all-smile and have positive attitude. I swiped like an addict and lowered down my filter criteria. I didn't have particular expectation and was willing to explore any possibilities. That's when I matched with a guy and we just instantly matched in most things. The first date went well but I didn't see any red flag either. Struggled whether I should give it a try or drop him. Decided to know about him better, and it was the best decision ever. When all the awkwardness is gone, he emerges as a truly amazing guy who accepts my true self as well. The best guy I could ever wished to be with and I can't be happier.
Girl, I understand OLD can be very frustrating. I can only say don't give up and stay positive. Don't look for Mr Perfect but do Mr Good Enough. I recommend [this book] (https://www.amazon.com/Marry-Him-Case-Settling-Enough/dp/045123216X) for an interesting perspective why Mr Good Enough may be the best guy.
Also...
> You're a great girl, anyone would be lucky to have you
Take it positively. You are great in other guys' eyes. You are attractive, it's just there's something just doesn't match. Be open to meet up with various guys, smile and emit that positive energy.
>and I really do my best to be the best date/girlfriend/friend I can be
Don't do your best to be the best date. Be your best self. Show positiveness and confidence, and show it on your profile. Avoid writing an essay. Guys won't read it. Put fun and positiveness within few sentences.
Good luck and wish you all the best :)
Your friend reminds me of Lori Gottlieb and her memoiresque book, Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough. Terrible title, but in the book she goes through all of the dumb reasons for rejecting perfectly good potential partners and tries to correct her mistakes before it's too late. It's pretty depressing. But really opened my eyes to being open-minded about dating (I read it when I was 26). I have certain dealbreakers, but now I see how silly things like dorky clothing or snoring or doesn't have a dog have NOTHING to do with whether or not someone will make a good life partner. I wish my sister would read the book, she's about to become just like your friend.
Indeed an interesting article - a feminist starting to have doubts, condescending as they may be. Thanks for bringing it to our attention!
For those interested:
Slaughter's original complaint:
https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2012/07/why-women-still-cant-have-it-all/309020/
Gottlieb's Response:
https://www.theatlantic.com/business/archive/2012/06/why-theres-no-such-thing-as-having-it-all-and-there-never-will-be/258928/
Gottlieb's Case for "Settling":
https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2008/03/marry-him/306651/
Slaughter's Book:
https://www.amazon.com/Unfinished-Business-Women-Work-Family/dp/0812984978
Gottlieb's Book:
https://www.amazon.com/Marry-Him-Case-Settling-Enough/dp/045123216X
You would substitute "Miss Good Enough "
http://www.amazon.com/Different-Loving-Sexual-Dominance-Submission/dp/0679769560
http://www.amazon.com/America-Unzipped-Search-Sex-Satisfaction/dp/0307351327
i found those books really helpful when i was researching something similar... if i find any of my other references i'll let you know
Don't use rope if you are just starting out. If you insist on using rope make sure to have a sharp pair of trauma shears to cut her out if things get to deep and you can't get the knots out. I would suggest you use old ties or go buy some straps from your local fetish shop. Depending on what you plan to get into besides the bondage (spanking, sensation play, pets) setting safe words and talking though things is a must. Besides it is amazing how turned on it will make both of you. For it to work it has to make you both happy.
Talking through with her will let you know more of what she is interested in, willing to try, and not willing to try. That way it keeps everything moving in the right direction for both of you. Consensual and safe is the key. Once a safe word or signal is used everything has to stop immediately and should end the scene. Take her out of the room and talk things through. Then if you want to move forward with something else you can start fresh. There are some decent books I would suggest you both read. There are also some great blogs depending on what you are looking for.
https://www.amazon.com/Different-Loving-Sexual-Dominance-Submission/dp/0679769560
Read some real literature. I haven't yet, but here are some suggestions:
The Loving Dominant
The Topping Book
Different Loving
Thank you so much for your response. It's so hard to not talk about it all the time because I'm so concerned and frightened. And I always used to think that talking helped and it's how things got fixed. But I'm starting to find that maybe it's not all in the talking. I was actually just reading about a book called
"How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It" and I want to pick it up and give it a read.
I want to dazzle her with my charm and be fun and funny and happy tonight, but I'm afraid it's going to be very hard for me because I'm so hurt and sad, and because I doubt she'll be making it easy for me (as she has been as depressed as me). Maybe I'm worrying too much and it'll be okay. I hope so.
Thanks again for the advice.
Sure! As mentioned, I do think the book I linked before is the best one, but here are some others that I personally own:
And there's this one, which I don't own but it might also be good:
Lastly, I have the Q&A a Day journal and enjoy filling it out on my own. There's a Q&A a Day for couples that might be fun to fill out with your SO, among many other couples' journals.
I think it'd be cool to have one copy of whichever journal for each person; they could be filled out independently and you could compare answers with your SO!
Holy smokes, Batman!
I like the tux! I think this would be so entertaining to fill out with my husband monster every night before bed!
Thanks for the contest!
I bought this Q&A journal for our first anniversary because the traditional theme is “paper.” My husband really liked it and it’s a nice way to connect every day.
journal
So my boyfriend and I have been doing this since January 1st of this year, and it's been so fun for us. It give us something new to talk about everyday. Granted, some questions are dumb (in our opinion), but hey, we bond over that too. So here's the link to the one we're using. We're excited to do this for the next two years and some change. It did seem like a little much at first, but we're so used to it now. It doesn't take but a few minutes everyday! Here's the link to the one we've got.
https://www.amazon.com/Our-Day-3-Year-Journal-People/dp/0770436684/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1501005334&sr=1-1&keywords=3-Year+Journal+for+2+People
I bought both of us a couple of this book since how estimated time apart will be about 3 years. I write in my copy and she writes in hers. We're planning to exchange books when I visit in April. It'll be interesting to see how we've changed as the relationship continues.
THE Secret Garden is a children's book, just don't get it confused with MY Secret Garden.
https://www.amazon.com/My-Secret-Garden-Nancy-Friday/dp/1416567011
pandorassecrets.com
http://www.amazon.com/My-Secret-Garden-Nancy-Friday/dp/1416567011/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1344551775&sr=8-1&keywords=my+secret+garden
http://www.amazon.com/Bro-Code-Barney-Stinson/dp/143911000X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1321386692&sr=8-1
http://www.amazon.com/Playbook-Suit-Score-chicks-awesome/dp/1439196834/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1321386692&sr=8-2
isnt it in this book
The Playbook
1: Read the sidebar.
2: Lift.
3: Meditate. Use the app "Calm" in the Android market, or find another such guided meditation app.
Do this for three months. When you finish reading the sidebar and accompanying material such as suggested books, start over and read it all again. (In three months you should have time to read it all twice.)
At the end of that three months:
4: Start working on game. Read Day Bang by Roosh V.
Approach 140 girls in one week with the express intention of getting rejected when you ask for their number. Try to find creative ways to get shot down. (I once threw a pinecone at a girl and when she looked at me in shock I said, "Hey, can I have your phone number?") This will inoculate you to rejection.
Do these steps and you'll be surprised how your life turns around. PM me if you need help with any one of them.
Check out the book while my DJ revolves it.
Here are three books all by the same author. This is the best I can do, the last one is written for women but has some good information, and yes a week isn't nearly long enough to learn this, and you might not ever do it.
http://www.amazon.com/Ultimate-Guide-Kink-BDSM-Erotic/dp/157344779X/ref=la_B000APS9US_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1377358061&sr=1-2
http://www.amazon.com/Anal-Sex-Position-Guide-Mind-Blowing/dp/1592333567/ref=la_B000APS9US_1_6?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1377358061&sr=1-6
http://www.amazon.com/Ultimate-Guide-Anal-Sex-Women/dp/1573442216/ref=la_B000APS9US_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1377358061&sr=1-3
Awesome story, /u/Brensgirl11. It's super crazy because this almost perfectly matches my own story of how my wife and I became married, except in this case I was the lost one, and my wife was the godly woman that was sent to intervene in my life.
I grew up in a Christian home where faith, sadly, was not taken/taught seriously enough. I had proposed to a high school girlfriend of about 4 years, and about 4 months into our engagement, she broke it off. Less than 6 months later, I met my future wife at the most unlikely of places: a temp job. I'd known her brother for a couple years, but I never knew he had siblings. It was a pretty wild ride for me because I was not strong in my faith, and they weren't willing to let her be in a relationship like that with some "Christian" guy who didn't really share their beliefs, but it's how I really came to know Christ. Less than a year and a half after we met, we were engaged though. 3 months after that we were married.
We're about a month away from our 3-year anniversary, and it's been an amazing marriage so far! It's definitely not without its struggles, but the way God has been working in our lives is truly wonderful.
-
If you're interested though, a few resources that really helped us during our courtship/preparation for marriage were 3 books, the first of which I believe is still free:
I simply recommend walking through this book together and answering openly and honestly. It's full of great/deep questions that will help you come to know and understand each other better, as well as understand what your expectations are for each other both now and in the future. It can be awkward at first, but it's so worth it as an avenue for opening up communication in the future.
These two books, respectively, opened our eyes to what kinds of love needs both of us had, and gave examples of how to give them. The latter also showed us men need and are really good at giving respect, whereas women need and are really good at giving love, and why it's important to understand the difference.
This sounds kind of like 'anxious attachement'. You could do worse than reading a book about it or giving that term a thorough googling.
Honey, we've all been there and done that and it has hurt for each and every one of us. :( If it helps at all, a lot of the pain is coming from your brain protesting your loss of a loved one, and making you feel miserable so you'll do anything to get him back.
It's not just you -- it's biology conspiring against you!
A good book on this subject that can help you learn more and learn how to control your feelings is "Insecure in Love." Learn how your brain works and get empowered by it!
http://www.amazon.com/Insecure-Love-Anxious-Attachment-Jealous/dp/1608828158
It sounds like you have an Anxious-Preoccupied attachment style. Don't blame yourself for being "selfish" just because you feel jealousy and anxiety - self-blame doesn't help things. You need to have self-compassion to heal and work through this. Remember, you didn't choose your attachment style. It's something that's hardwired into our brains in the first two years of life.
I'd recommend checking out "Insecure in Love" by Leslie Becker-Phelps for more help: https://www.amazon.com/Insecure-Love-Anxious-Attachment-Jealous/dp/1608828158
Yes, this happens to me too. Im very confident in all other aspects of my life, but when it comes to relationships I can be a mess. Come to find out, this also happens to about 20 percent of people. The best thing I have done is recognize that this is a problem and a fear of abandonment... and reading about it for self improvement. Here's one Im reading now insecure in love
Also...
> I will just end it nicely and talk to somebody else.
This is beta-speak for quitting as soon as you don't know what to say next. Lot of field reports of guys being boring, using corny lines, having too much space, not speaking, or taking fitness tests too seriously and quit at the first sign of resistance.
> I have no idea about IOI's or any of that stuff.
Keep reading more books. Until then, assume everything is an IOI and you are just irrationally and comically confident. That in itself can be deemed as being funny and attractive alone. Keep going.
These books are largely secular, so pick out the sin nature of some of the goals.
How to Win Friends and Influence People (general conversation) https://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/0671027034
Book of Pook https://www.amazon.com/Book-Pook/dp/1980603154
Way of the Superior May https://www.amazon.com/Way-Superior-Man-Challenges-Anniversary/dp/1622038320
You might check out The Way of the Superior Man It has quite a bit of relationship advice that worked for us for a few years. We did finally divorce, but this book and others by David Deida did help us when we were going through some real struggles as we made our way out and had 2 more kids. I think reading Deida also helped us communicate during and after the divorce even. It just overall improved our communication.
Edited to add: 20th Anniversary Edition
Intimate Communion is good too, but I wouldn't read it without reading the other one first.
Idk about a stoic approach. But I'm reading The Way of the Superior Man(https://www.amazon.com/dp/1622038320/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_RZ08AbW0ZMF93) and the way it handles women emotions it's quite peculiar, I recommend you give it a try.
This one?
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1890159190/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_jgvQBb374GNA0
Does it cover orgasm control, teasing, and denial?
Also check out
The Mistress Manual: The Good Girl's Guide to Female Dominance
https://www.amazon.ca/Mistress-Manual-Girls-Female-Dominance/dp/1890159190
​
Remember, this should be playful and fun. And don't let your submissive partner run the show (topping from the bottom), make sure you're clear you want to try things in specific spaces of time, not ALL the time. Things can get way out of hand once someone finds a piece of what they need/want, they want more and more.
Sounds like your issue is an over-excited mind, anxious, fearful and obsessing with sex at the moment. To learn how to control that, try exteriorizing the problem, that is, look at it as if it's not your problem but you're observing someone else. Do you know Cesar Millan's dog show? If not, see how he's making dogs listen to him on NatGeo TV: http://channel.nationalgeographic.com/wild/dog-whisperer/ . He's always saying that he is curing the owners, not the dogs.
To find out what you want from a woman / relationship, make a list of what is important to you; write that in a file. Check the questions on OKC and see which of them make you say "hey, this matter to me". If you think there are too many or disorganized, check the ones from lovzen.com (the profiles are not linked to a service).
If you have the interest and are willing to spend the money, see:
If you want sexual education, see http://www.gardenerofthoughts.org/ideas/sexualeducation/sexualeducation/index.htm . You'll see that it deals with sexuality as a mental trait, not a physical one; if you like the introduction, read the virginity section.
The perfect is the enemy of the good.
OP, I got your potential how to guide right here
Not 100% on point, but Different Loving is a very good treatment of BDSM generally. Section Three has chapters devoted to pain and sensation and such. Might be a good read for you.
BDSM is the last sort of sexual activity that people should just throw themselves into in order to "see what happens" without going in-depth with their partner(s) about their needs, desires, fantasies, and expectations and providing opportunities for understanding and negotiation.
As any kinkster will tell you, awesome, mind-blowing, fulfilling sex lying within the BDSM spectrum (and that kind of sex in general) is built on three things: communication, communication, and communication.
The good people over at /r/BDSMcommunity would be able to answer a lot of questions that might arise once you've discussed things openly and honestly with your girlfriend. Here are some great print resources you should look into:
SM 101: A Realistic Introduction, by Jay Wiseman
The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play and the Erotic Edge, edited by Tristan Taormino
Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission, by William Brame, Gloria Brame, and Jon Jacobs
The New Bottoming Book and The New Topping Book, by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy
Different Loving
I can relate to some of what you describe here. I have a hard time processing emotions that are more complicated than happy/angry. Things like sad, anxious, afraid are really easy to just express as anger or irritability, because there's usually a cause or target for you to focus on, rather than having to deal with your internal space, where there are no easy solutions.
Finding out who you really are is a difficult process that involves asking a lot of questions. Like "what do I consider important?" Then following that question up with a series of "Why?" until you've dug down deep enough that you can't ask again.
For instance, you might consider working out important. Why? Because you value physical fitness. Why? Because it's part of being healthy and capable? Why do you value health (or capability; the question may branch at this point)? Because I want to live without being tired or sick all the time, or dying early. Why do you want to live a long time? Because I want to experience all life has to offer. Like what? Like watching my kids grow up and have successful lives of their own. Why? Because I love my kids. Why? Because... they're my kids?
If your questioning follows this line, then you know one of the roots of your love of working out is that you love your kids. Likely it has other roots as well, and following those lines of thought will give you a better idea of who you are and what you value.
Once you know what you value, you can start evaluating your choices in light of those values, and evaluating alternate choices based on how they relate to your values.
Another thing is that it's hard to live a lot of this stuff out loud. Don't ever try to change who you are like a set of clothes. Work on yourself privately, and you'll see the outward behaviors changing as a result; Trying to change the behaviors first will rarely work; Only focus on curbing behaviors that are actively harmful (violence, slurs, etc.); Working from root causes will cause the rest of the behaviors to change naturally over time.
A book I found to be very insightful (though I found it after it was too late for my first marriage) is "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It". It focuses on men, since we're (stereo)typically the ones who avoid talking about our problems or feelings, but the behaviors are pretty generally helpful. The basic idea is what I talked about above; Working on yourself to change the outward expression of yourself by focusing on the positive aspects of your true self, and through improving your expression of self, improving your relationship by extension.
No I am a mental health provider with a graduate degree and often like reading relationship dynamic books. This information is in Dr Patricia Love and Dr Steven Stosny book how to improve you marriage without talking about it. . No need to make bullshit assumptions.
LOLLL I just laughed out loud about the breath thing.
I’m super sorry about the affair. That’s terrible. Your very strong to want to work through it. I really hope things turn around for you. Thank you for the suggestion on the book. I also have a suggestion on one we recently read which gave us both a lot of insight and I did notice a change in behaviour after reading it. Here’s the link for amazon. It was really insightful and helpful. Every night we would read a few pages together and they had some quizzes in there as well that you can take and discuss.
https://www.amazon.ca/dp/0767923189/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_guzdCbWPB8KVP_nodl
I really appreciate your honesty and advice!
It is a standoff. She resents you for emotionally neglecting her, you resent her for sexually depriving you. You don't want to do anything because it doesn't feel natural or authentic. How does it get authentic when it comes from a place of score-keeping and resentment? It may feel awkward and forced in the beginning, but as you get more comfortable and used to expressing yourself and being affectionate with her, maybe it will get easier.
[Since you said you don't like talking...] (https://www.amazon.com/Improve-Marriage-Without-Talking-About/dp/0767923189/ref=pd_aw_sim_14_3/136-4451667-9163925?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=CZ0Y20QEK00JA1FRSQ23)
[Oldie but goodie] (https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts-ebook/dp/B00OICLVBI/ref=pd_aw_sim_sbs_351_of_7?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=EWWR2K9HFR8XJGSX0DGR)
[This is a lot of work, but you have to do it together and it might bring you closer] (https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0553447718/ref=sspa_mw_detail_0?ie=UTF8&psc=1)
[I haven't read this one, but I've read something else with a similar idea (the writers were an English couple but goddamnit I can't think of the title), and maybe you can try the suggestions] (https://www.amazon.com/1001-Ways-Be-Romantic-More-ebook/dp/B004MME71K?keywords=english+romance+couple+ideas&qid=1537541693&sr=8-3&ref=mp_s_a_1_3)
> But I think the position that looks matter more to women than men, or the position that looks matter to women more than personality/character, outside of specific ONS situations, is wrong. And even in ONS situations, personality matters more to women than it does to men in the same situation, it just matters less than it does for non-ONS.
I agree. I think the 'lookism' crowd are generally on the wrong track (not that looks don't matter, but that looks aren't primary, especially in relationships).
But instead of 'personality', I would say 'masculinity', or, at least, those traits traditionally associated with masculinity, such as ambition, assertiveness, leadership, confidence, resourcefulness, charisma, etc. (I'm thinking of the four main masculine archetypes here)
>And my friend? Thinks he's the manliest man who ever manned.
So, one of two things could be happening here. Either 'finicky vegan nancy-boy' leaves out a lot of qualities he has, or she is attracted to a very different idea of masculinity.
And there are women like that. I know of at least one. But they aren't really that common, and IME they tend to be generally anxious/insecure/timid and/or reclusive/antisocial alterno-types who can be intimidated by the idea of intimacy with 'masculine' men. Unless a guy is really interested in targeting that demographic, though, more traditional masculinity is probably a better way to go.
>Ask 10 women to describe attractive masculinity to you, get 10 different answers.
Do you think that they deviate significantly from the four archetypes though? (King, Warrior, Magician, Lover)
With the exception of cases like the one I identified above, I don't find that women are that different in their preferences.
Now, of course women are going to be more drawn to certain qualities than others, and it's rare to find a man who is full-on masculine in every way, so they may be highlighting the masculinity they respond to in the men whom they tend to attract. But most 'masculine' guys that I know seem to do pretty well with all types of women.
>It just makes me think that either Man X talking about never, never, never showing emotion or weakness has had very bad luck with women
I think for a lot of men who don't have a lot of stoicism/strength/masculinity, the 'never ever' is a good mantra to live by. That way, they might hit the right balance compared to their generally emo ways.
>She doesn't want to emotionally babysit you the way one babysits a child, she doesn't want you to start throwing dishes around and screaming when you burn the steak, but she's actually eager to help and provide support when some real shit happens to you.
This is so full of subjective judgements that it is entirely unhelpful for most guys, IMO. What is an emotional babysitter? When is expressing emotions 'manly' and when is it 'childish'? What qualifies as 'real shit'?
I mean, I get it - if the dude's dad just died, most women will be there to support him and are not put off by his open expression of grief. But at what point do they expect him to snap out of it and carry on like normal? One week? Three weeks? Two months? At what point does she feel more like the emotional babysitter?
I mean, I had to learn this stuff first hand over the past few years, and it wasn't a pretty learning process. The outcome? I had to shut my shit down hardcore, at least that's what I feel I am doing. Things have gotten better since I've done that.
I think the fact that so many men are so afraid to show emotion indicates that something is going on besides just their own neuroses. I think this article lays out the case fairly well.
The other issue is that, while I have no doubt that women want to be supportive, what if she has her own stress and emotional reactions in the situation? Dude loses his job. He's devastated. She wants to be supportive, but she's terrified. How are they going to pay the bills? Is she going to have to take a second job? So he starts telling her that he doesn't know what he's going to do - he's not sure anyone else is hiring (this happened a lot in the Great Recession). She wants to encourage him and buck him up, but him saying that scares her even more, so any encouragement comes with a healthy dose of her own 'get your shit together man!' feelings. Which makes him feel even worse about his failure to keep his job or his livelihood or whatever. And on down the spiral they go.
There was a good article written about that sort of problem.
(EDIT: link isn't working - I'll try to repost when it comes back online, which I hope it will)
(EDIT 2: found another article one the subject - it's not as good as the first, but it'll give the idea)
Also, a book. (As I understand it - it's on my reading list and I'm hoping to get to it soon so I'll be able to confirm, lol)
I've been really wanting to read this book with all of the paleo-fantasizing going on these days and now I am moving it to the top of my list. Of course I am going to need to compare it with Sex at Dawn just out of curiosity. Funny enough it was Sex at Dawn that started to sell me on this way of thinking but that's a whole other conversation. What I find interesting about this is that I first read it in a marriage book a few years back that people were panning because it dared to say there was a difference between the sexes. How To Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It goes into the attachment thing early on. The whole book runs off it.
Anyway, this has me thinking about a lot of stuff this morning. I may be back later with some things but for now I will let them stew. Thanks for linking!
How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It - https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0767923189/ref=mp_s_a_1_sc_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1509626827&sr=8-2-spell&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=how+to+inprove+your+marriage+without+talking+about+it
It’s been helpful for both of us!
Having an affair is so unbelievably destructive. Please do not do it. It hurts your partner (and any children) and it WILL also hurt you. It will destroy any integrity you thought you had and will damage you forever.
You are in therapy and that’s a good step, but it’s not working. I recommend you rent these books from the library. They helped me a ton. I had a similar situation to you except that it had progressed to abuse. He refused to read anything, change anything, or go to therapy. We saw three different couples therapists but he would quit after a session or two - claiming they ganged up on him. I was the only one that read the books or made any changes. It seemed unfair but he eventually responded to my changes. Its not 100% but maybe 80% - up from zero.
Worth a shot!
https://amzn.to/2Nt9diW , https://amzn.to/2WogQv9 and https://amzn.to/2qNeA4X
I once got a bunch of those paint sample things from Home depot, used a shape punch to cut them into hearts, and then wrote something I loved about my then SO on each one.
You could do that and spread them all over the bed so she wakes up surrounded by them, or you could give them to her in a box.
The local zoo here offers paid experiences to feed some of the animals like the penguins. You likely can't be in a wheelchair back in the exhibits at your local zoo, but it would be minimal walking.
You could also consider getting a video game you both can play together.
A relationship Q&A book that you can fill out daily together is both thoughtful and shows that you are thinking about the future. See here for an example of the one I used to do: Our Q&A a Day: 3-Year Journal for 2 People https://www.amazon.com/dp/0770436684/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_CyLuDb4FH1D0E
We have a three year couple's journal and I love reading his sweet answers to questions about our relationship.
I have a friend who has this book and she and her husband seem to love it: http://www.amazon.com/Our-Day-3-Year-Journal-People/dp/0770436684
This is entirely a strawman argument. You're stating what you think the Catholic Church believes, which is incorrect, and then arguing against your mis-stated beliefs. You've either misinterpreted what you've been told, or those people are misinformed themselves.
>It doesn't ultimately matter to me what you (or the CC) want to call doctrine.
Yea, it really does. You can't debate something if you can't even define what it is you're debating.
>I can see something like abortion remaining forbidden indefinitely, but contraception and gay marriage? They're far too recent to be given any quality of immutability as regards the church's teaching on them.
Homosexuality is not a recent occurrence in human history. Engaging in homosexual activity has been consistently addressed as gravely disordered. The fact that people with homosexual tendencies want to now marry in recent years doesn't change anything.
>Catholicism has long upheld a tradition of faith and reason as regards moral issues; that is, they're not truths to be handed down, but rather must be arrived at by reason.
Once again, incorrect. Catholic moral teaching is informed by both revelation (sort of what you're calling faith) and also reason as we understand the natural law, that is, the order of purpose and dignity as God created it with respect to mankind and the world. Catholic moral theology isn't just "reasoned out" with no recourse to the revealed truth that has been handed down.
>This attitude is definitely part of the Catholic tradition.
Not in the way you just described it.
>I'm of the view that there exist no good arguments against gay marriage/contraception
The combined 1,000+ pages of sexual ethics written by John Paul II are apparently rubbish, but you're entitled to your opinion.
Theology of the Body |
Love and Responsibility
>Same goes for ordination of women, though perhaps that will last a little longer (which is mind-boggling, since the arguments against it are even worse than those against gay marriage/contraceptives) if only because PJPII abused his position in an attempt to silence all discussion on it, despite the findings of the Pontifical Biblical Commission on the matter.
The Pontifical Biblical Commission findings do not, themselves, carry any doctrinal weight. It is the Pope, in collegiality with the bishops of the Church that exercise the teaching authority of the Church. The Pope generally directs that discussion and has the prerogative to disagree.
Olympia Press put out some great smut back in the day, as well as risque literature from William Burroughs, Henry Miller, Nabokov, and more.
Anais Nin has been mentioned already, and I second that.
My Secret Garden, published in the 1970s, is a compilation of women's fantasies. There's some icky stuff and some hot stuff, but it's all from real women.
You need to read the Nancy Friday books. They will get your sexy time gears turning again.
http://www.amazon.com/My-Secret-Garden-Nancy-Friday/dp/1416567011/
First, know that you are normal. As I discussed in this post today, one study in Canada suggests that almost half of all women may fantasize about dominating other people sexually.
>I want to consume as much as possible before I jump into anything.
Well, since you asked, my specialty just so happens to be in giving people way more reading material than they actually wanted...
Your post seems to imply that you are not currently in a relationship and want to focus on self-discovery before pursing one. Once you have come to a better understanding of what you want and are ready to pursue a relationship, I recommend the following two books:
I doubt you are asexual or that there is anything wrong with you. The validation angle is probably somewhat accurate, and there is clearly an element of disappointment as well; sex can really be that good, if both you and the woman are skilled, deeply attracted, and the setting/build up are right.
Just relax, it isn't a big deal. Find a woman who turns you on both mentally and physically, and plan a really nice evening from start to finish. Too many guys plan the outing and expect the sex will just work itself out, or don't even bother to consult the woman and find out what really turns her on. Have your love nest set up for when you get home like some kind of exotic shrine or alien altar; typical bedrooms are a drag. She should have an idea what she is in for (but don't ruin all the surprises) because, to quote Oscar Wilde, "the suspense is terrible, I hope it will last." Also, once you initiate landing sequence, don't do anything to break state.
I suggest you pick up a copy of My Secret Garden and Forbidden Flowers.
Good sex is an art young man ;)
Whoops, it's "My Secret Garden". It's a collection of female fantasies written out in excruciatingly hot detail.
[Ich liebe Pinguine.]
Did you hear about the famous move that Barney Stinson created called the "German Penguin" Well it ..... no really you just have to read about it in The Playbook But it was Legen..... wait for it ...... Dary!
Change him.
There's also a funnier version.
Related: http://www.amazon.com/Playbook-Suit-Score-chicks-awesome/dp/1439196834/
I'm not sure, I never look inside it!
Here they are
Links: https://www.amazon.com/Bro-Code-Barney-Stinson/dp/143911000X/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1549322317&sr=8-1
https://www.amazon.com/Playbook-Suit-Score-chicks-awesome/dp/1439196834/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1549322317&sr=8-2
It's interesting how the show presents the idea that there are many "the one" right? Did you finish the show?
If you need to pick up chicks, just get the Playbook. If that doesn't work, you're just hopeless.
I don't need double talk, I need
So I need this because I really need to read more and I have been meaning to read this series.
/u/TwistedEnigma absolutely, positively needs this right here because he needs help on from the Legen...wait for it...dary Barney Stinson. Everyone needs a dating coach like him lol
Here's a book you can consider reading while at the bar.
Here: https://www.amazon.com/Playbook-Suit-Score-chicks-awesome/dp/1439196834
Yeah after I put this in there I thought this might be the case but just wanted to check. Thanks for all the help man. By the way, if you find it fun to help people out with their profiles like this you might enjoy the book in the link below. The author (Roosh V) is somewhat notorious for being a "PUA," however, if you can set aside any preconceptions you might have about that kind of guy his book about "day game" (approaching strangers during the day outside bars and nightclubs) seems to me that it has a lot of parallels to being successful on a site like okcupid. Anyway, I thought I'd point you towards something you might find interesting given how much you've helped me.
https://www.amazon.com/Day-Bang-Casually-Girls-During/dp/1463765045
For sex, there are plenty of PUA books and as long as you're decently attractive and you smell nice (I like Bleu by Chanel for men, personally) it shouldn't be hard. I've read parts of Roosh V's book "Day Bang" and while I think the dude has a horrible attitude towards women I could totally see a lot of the stuff in there working on me provided the guy isn't a 6'3 toad that smells like mushrooms and cheese or something particularly offputting. I mean I'm not saying I'd appreciate it, but I could totally see it working. Full disclosure though, reddit has a massive hate boner for the author.
Sober up, hit the gym, then reread remedial books on Game. Develop Outcome Independence. Get a good wingman. Find better things to talk about when you go out.
http://www.amazon.com/The-Threesome-Handbook-Practical-SLEEPING/dp/1568583338
camgnostic wrote:
I love xeromag's intro and especially the intro for 'nice guys'.
Love the pervocracy although Cliff's more blogger par excellence than resource. Lot's of resource-y links on there.
Not specifically BDSM, but since consent is discussed amongst kinksters more than at the world at large (which is a tragic shame for the world at large), I recommend some yes means yes.
Since shopping comes up a lot, the stockroom, the collar factory, both highly recommended. Also /r/bdsmDIY for those who don't have the money for the high end stuff, or want to try out a new style of play before investing a couple hundred bucks on it.
Paper books I love:
That a start?
One of the techniques that is used to make sexual role play hot is to take the scene out of the "real" and "ordinary" to the fantastical. In other words, you don't enact scenes that would happen in real life but scene's that are absurdist versions of real life.
In the BDSM community, role play is quite common. More advance players often call it playing with Archetypes, in the mode of Carolyn Myss. Part of the negotiation is figuring out the range of possible actions for each player. And working within it. If you don't communicate, you won't get your needs met.
A couple of good books include Lee Harrington's guide to Age Play and Tristan Taormino's book.
SFSI Staff
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San Francisco Sex Information (SFSI) provides free, confidential, accurate, non-judgmental information about sex and reproductive health. You can reach us by e-mail ([email protected]) or by phone (415-989-SFSI).
The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play and the Erotic Edge This is the best book I have found on the topic.
Hmmm...
I'd say that in part your conflicts arise from your varying personalities and a misunderstanding of the opposite gender. Have you two ever done a personality test? I am not sure about him but you sound like someone who would benefit from understanding that concept. I recommend this particular test. If you do it, let me know your results (I suspect you might be an ENFJ or ESFJ). I can help you out better then.
My wife and I also read a book together that helped us with those kinds of communication issues. They are really just the result of our differences as a man and a woman. This is the book.
If you are both going to be reading books on your own you have to make an agreement even sign an actual written contract to each other and post it in your kitchen on the firdge or something that says you are both willing to make the effort to WANT to fix things. There is a great book that my wife and I both loved called "Love and Respect" Dr. Eggerich is a GREAT speaker and it's an amazing book that might change the way you think about your relationship. If you want to have a little intro into the book you can find some of his conference sessions on youtube here. Sit down and watch this together and then decide whether you want to read the book together or seperately and talk about it often.
So I sympathize with your situation, but I worry you might be looking for comfort from men who aren't your husband because you crave the intimacy you're not getting at home. Take a step back and check yourself.
Yeah, he sounds like a lazy bum, but he's the man you're married to, for better or for worse. It's possible he's not showing love because he doesn't feel like you respect him which might be the case since you're on the internet complaining about him. Work on all aspects of your relationship and see if it doesn't spill over into "touch".
Check out Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs
https://www.amazon.com/Love-Respect-Desires-Desperately-Needs/dp/1591451876
And a tool for actually having the hard conversations and moving toward results. Round the Bases by Matt and Pam Loehr
http://www.daretobedifferent.com/pages.asp?pageid=Round-the-Bases
Think about it this way: your pregnancy is a miracle. If you ask any woman ever who chose to keep a pregnancy over terminate it, they will say to you that keeping their baby was the best decision in the world. Coming from someone who works in the family business and just found out I'm pregnant, I understand your concern over it. There's lots of questions about how everyone will handle marketing without my help when my baby gets here, but... a baby is so much more to your family in the long run. This life will bring you so much joy and happiness. Having the love of a child in your life could help you through your depression and bring perspective to your mind. Your family will be there to help.
As for you and your husband, this is a great book: https://www.amazon.com/Love-Respect-Desires-Desperately-Needs/dp/1591451876/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1463634908&sr=1-1&keywords=love+and+respect
It's really great for communication issues!
I strongly strongly recommend Becoming a Family That Heals! Very transformative for me in my marriage. http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1589975758?pc_redir=1407289773&robot_redir=1
Love and Respect is another great one
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1591451876?cache=7381f9cf815762840a2c9aa39069a4d3&pi=SY200_QL40&qid=1408049786&sr=8-1#ref=mp_s_a_1_1
I can share more information/testimony if you want to message me, we have overcome a lot of issues in our almost 10 year relationship and we lead a small group for married couples. I'm happy to help however I can! Good luck and God bless you guys!
No problem! You deserve the love you want. I would suggest the book Insecure in Love. It really helped me understand where those feelings were coming from. Also be sure and spend some time telling yourself that you're worthy and write down all the reasons why :)
Thanks, yes, I'm very familiar with the attachment stuff. I have read that book! There's also this: http://www.amazon.com/Insecure-Love-Anxious-Attachment-Jealous/dp/1608828158/
There are definitely two different things happening: I have emotional problems that have followed me across all relationships, so that is stuff I want to work on regardless of this or any relationship.
And then there is the issue of him sharing the work of getting along better. I think it's common for men to look at emotional women as "the problem" and to pawn off responsibility for any conflicts on that.
I have asked him to see my therapist with me at some point, and part of what I will be bringing up is how to work on shared responsibility-taking in the relationship.
I actually had really similar issues to what you're describing and this book has been helping me tremendously. Sadly for me it is probably too late to make a difference in my relationship and it is probably over, but It sounds like it's not too late for you! :)
Take the initiative and be the leader and schedule a couple counselling sessions before it gets worse. The words you say to each other can never be taken back, and your marriage will die a slow death by a thousand tiny cuts. For yourself, read The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida. It will change your life. Link below.
https://www.amazon.com/Way-Superior-Man-Challenges-Anniversary/dp/1622038320
To be yourself is a quest which takes different people differently long to succeed. Many people grow up stealing from this persona, that cliche, and take instructions from that authority. To finally be left with what makes intrinsically you is not easily done.
I would suggest reading this The way of the superior male. Sounds blase and sexist at times, but it holds valid ideas for both genders.
Also try analysing what it is you want to do, what you should do and what others want you to do. Even if it may feel odd at first, focusing on what it is you actually want to do, you get to know the real you better and better.
Please could you ask him if he has read this and this? Sounds like he has....they basically describe exactly what you're talking about.
[The Way of the Superior Man] (https://www.amazon.co.uk/Way-Superior-Man-Challenges-Anniversary/dp/1622038320/)
PDF
Here are a couple books I recommend:
http://www.amazon.com/The-Mistress-Manual-Female-Dominance/dp/1890159190/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1372375981&sr=8-1&keywords=the+mistress+manual
http://www.amazon.com/The-Art-Sensual-Female-Dominance/dp/0806520892/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1372375995&sr=8-3&keywords=the+mistress+manual
http://www.amazon.com/New-Topping-Book-Dossie-Easton/dp/B001TJV5DW/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1372376019&sr=1-1&keywords=topping+book
Last, my favorite introductory resource to BDSM: http://www.amazon.com/101-Realistic-Introduction-Jay-Wiseman/dp/0963976389/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1372376048&sr=1-1&keywords=sm+101
This might be a handy guide. You could probably find a free pdf though.
Read lots of books.
And also communicate!
The Mistress Manual: The Good Girl's Guide to Female Dominance https://www.amazon.com/dp/1890159190/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_F9qhDb2BMXRN0
Amazon offers paperback and kindle versions. I also read Female Domination: An exploration of Male desire for loving female authority by Elise sutton. It was also informative and shows insight from a lot of perspectives (she is/was also a bdsm therapist) which also came from Amazon.
Especially as a writer, I found that The Mistress Manual does a pretty good job of breaking down femdom. She goes through five archetypes of female dominants (or rather, male submission fantasies) and gives some good suggestions for activities that align with the different types.
So, I don't know if what I have to say is at all helpful, and mostly I wanted to comment because I'm a little jealous at your willingness to server, lately it feels like my "puppy" is just along for the ride...but enough about me.
As far as being a new dom and books... I read a wide variety of both informational and fantasy books. I think a mix of both gave me many more ideas and options to think about and it was easier for me to pick things I liked that way. BUT The number one thing that helped was getting online and watching/reading information from other doms and subs. Asking questions and so on. I'm sorry I don't have actual book names for you. (If I think of specific ones I will get back to you!)
http://www.amazon.com/The-Mistress-Manual-Female-Dominance/dp/1890159190/ref=cm_lmf_tit_3
http://www.amazon.com/The-Sexually-Dominant-Woman-Beginners/dp/1890159115/ref=cm_lmf_tit_7
http://www.amazon.com/Screw-Roses-Send-Thorns-Sadomasochism/dp/0964596008/ref=cm_lmf_tit_9
Just a few to look into. :) ALL great for just getting started, and learning more about herself, her wants/needs, her sexuality...so on. Good Luck and Kink ON! :D
This used to be me! Then I read this book and at first glance you might think, "no, this doesn't apply to me" but read chapter 2. It's a book designed for you to pick and choose what you're interested in learning. It just helped me to stop pretending to be sweet and submissive and taught me more about how to be assertive and speak my mind even in non-sexual situations.
Have you checked out the Two Knotty Boys second book,Two Knotty Boys Back on the Ropes?
(edit: moved book list)
Having gone through something similar I'd recommend a few things. First, recommit to your male friendships or make some new ones. Hang out with the guys regularly. There's something really grounding about good friendships without sexual tension.
Next, I'd read some books to help you figure out how you want to approach life and dating once you're ready for that. The most helpful for me were the following 3 books: No More Mr Nice Guy (This should be required reading for high school boys. It's fantastic.), Models (the ideas from No More Mr Nice Guy applied to dating without the sleaziness some "pick up" material can delve into), and The Way of the Superior Man (some don't like it because of its spiritual bent but the ideas really spoke to me).
I'd also like to applaud you for deciding not to date until the divorce is final. It's a very individual decision, but that's the same choice I made. It just felt right to me. My last piece of advice is a continuation of that idea: don't be in a rush to get back into the dating game even once you're divorce is final. Take some time for yourself. Do some of the things you wanted to do but couldn't while you were married. It may be travel, a particular hobby, or something like changing up your personal style/hair/facial hair (I grew a beastly beard after being clean shaven for years and something simple like that brought me immense joy). Do some things for yourself and get comfortable in your own skin as a single guy. That will not only help you heal but will actually make you more attractive once you're ready to date again.
Anyway, those are the things that I've personally found to be helpful. If you have any follow up questions please let me know. I feel for you and wish you the best of luck.
You have to love yourself before you can really love anyone else. Otherwise you are like the kid who thinks driving is all about moving the steering wheel. Take the time to read this book. I would estimate it is around 40% bullshit, but the rest is solid gold. https://www.amazon.com/dp/B004A8ZWM4/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1
I would recommend this book:
http://www.amazon.com/Way-Superior-Man-ebook/dp/B004A8ZWM4/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1381114755&sr=8-1&keywords=way+of+the+superior+man
This post reminded me of the beginning of the book Way of the Superior Man by David Deida. I can't remember the exact phrasing but it's something like this:
So, OP, I think you have a good perspective for a positive outlook, but it will enable a pernicious and insidious weakness later on.
I think you owe yourself better.
Fuck that noise.
Get your goal.
Drag it kicking and screaming from the prison of your reluctant muscles and your stubborn adipose tissue.
Then, when you achieve that goal, look in the distance at some point you can barely see, point to it, and start walking.
Great work on the weight you have lost. Keep your eye on the prize.
I told you I would get back to you on how to develop a healthy perspective on relationships and women. I finally had an epiphany. If you want to change your inside you need to develop a new perspective. The more I read your posts the more I get an understanding of where you are coming from and where you are at. I just kind of had an epiphany. This book: https://www.amazon.ca/Unavailable-Fallback-Girl-Understanding-Emotionally-ebook/dp/B005WJGPZI might be exactly what you need and speak specifically to you for this situation. It can be found on kat.cr. Let me know what you think.
All the best,
gnomeslime
edit: ps. I thought you lived in a hostel ;)
I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Read this book!! It will help you start your journey of self-acceptance. That sounds so cheesy, but for real, figuring out that you're 10x more important than any man is liberating. https://www.amazon.com/Unavailable-Fallback-Girl-Understanding-Emotionally-ebook/dp/B005WJGPZI
I feel ya sister!
I'm reading this
It's a bit eye opening.
"Destroy A Man Now" for under $10...https://www.amazon.com/dp/B079YC3DDK/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1
or for only $3 you can get the companion/response book "Destroy a Woman Now" https://www.amazon.com/How-Destroy-Man-Now-DAMN-ebook/dp/B07BB2M54Y/ref=sr_1_2?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1551044638&sr=1-2&keywords=destroy+a+woman+now
Never mind, you're right.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/How-Destroy-Man-Now-DAMN-ebook/dp/B07BB2M54Y/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1520600335&sr=1-2&keywords=how+to+destroy+a+woman+now
Try these books:
https://www.amazon.com/Meditations-New-Translation-Marcus-Aurelius/dp/0812968255
https://www.amazon.com/Meantime-Finding-Yourself-Love-Want-ebook/dp/B000FC0Q6Q
https://www.amazon.com/Unavailable-Fallback-Girl-Understanding-Emotionally-ebook/dp/B005WJGPZI
And see a therapist ASAP.
I made this login to reply. I usually only lurk because this is not a space for me.
I've been married for almost 20 years to an amazing guy. He is the smartest person I know, top of his field, physically strong. He would take you limb from limb if you tried to hurt me or one of our kids - but he would just laugh if I tried to make him sleep on the couch. He is also softer-hearted than I am. After all this time he is the only man I've desired since the day I met him, and I love him more now than when we married. When I see the internet talk about alpha/beta, red/blue-pill, I wonder where are the guys who won't take shit off anybody, but are still big-hearted?
I got interested in what men were really thinking about things after one of my friends got divorced. She was the breadwinner, and her husband quit working, got fat, didn't do anything around the house or with the kids, basically played X-box all day, and was kind of a needy, whiny twerpy guy. I was totally disgusted by his behavior, and also by how he went after her in the divorce - she gave him primary custody because he had spent the most time with the kids, was paying tremendous child support to him - and he still managed to take tens of thousands of dollars that wasn't supposed to be his.
What bothered me the most about this situation was realizing how much I had become like him as my kids went to school and I didn't have a lot to do all day, and we were living in a place where I couldn't work (visa status). How he was simply doing all the things women encourage each other to do in a divorce. I realized, why is this okay for women to do and not for men? Why was I so disgusted by what he was doing if I would applaud it in a female friend? Why was he so gross when we could reverse genders and it would look unnervingly like me? My thinking on all of this changed - and it was a huge wakeup call for me personally. I started thinking about how wrecked my father, my grandfather, and my FIL were by women, totally destroyed.
My own marriage had hit a low spot at this time, too. In the end, even though I thought I was being a great wife - I was faithful, and careful with spending, never said no to sex, kept the house clean, kept him totally supported & ready to go to work every day... he was still very unhappy, and I was unhappy because I felt I couldn't please him. He lost interest in me physically, and I got so depressed about this that I gained a lot of weight - which only made him less interested, of course.
What I wasn't doing was being strong enough emotionally and confident enough in myself to let him be himself. I wouldn't argue about anything he wanted to buy or hobbies he wanted to do, or ways he wanted to spend his time, I didn't try to control him in any way... but I was emotionally needy and kept him kind of drained. There wasn't room in our relationship for him to have a bad day and need emotional support because I took up all of that. I put my every emotion out there, begging for him to understand me and for us to somehow feel connected, and it never happened. He just pulled farther and farther away. Meanwhile I was pretty confused about how I could think I was doing everything right and he didn't appreciate or respect any of it. I was turning myself inside out to please him - but when you talk about how selfish women are? I was being selfish in the worst way, emotionally, without knowing what I was doing.
When I read here, I don't think, "aw you haven't met the right woman yet" because it took me 20 years to learn what I wasn't taught growing up, and I'm still learning. Now I'm trying to teach my daughter. I don't know many women who aren't kind of awful in some way. I look through our families and we have no good examples of women, really. Reading here gives me insight into what men are really going through - you're kind of the worst case scenario, so disgusted that you've walked away from women totally, so you're pretty honest about exactly why, not pulling any punches. You don't try to soften the blow because you don't care what we think - and there's a lot of value in that for women, if they can listen and not speak.
I've had a theory for a long time that men are the stronger gender physically, and women are the stronger gender emotionally. As in, a man could kill a woman with his hands... but a woman can break a man emotionally in no time at all. There is a lot of focus on men not hurting women physically, but women are not taught that this emotional strength means you can't wield it as a weapon. You have to use what you're capable of and be in charge of these emotions you're so good at identifying and understanding. The age of "venting" is completely destructive. The fact that I am emotionally stronger than my spouse means this is my primary job: to keep my shit together so that I can support everyone else emotionally. It means I can't take it personally when my husband snaps at me because he's had a long day (I have to step back and say, "do you need some time to yourself, or do you need me to put down what I'm doing and give you some attention right now?"). I have to realize that when he's had a horrible day and needs me to be there, he isn't going to tell me what happened - he needs me to rub his back and NOT make him talk about it and NOT make emotional demands on him. If he needs to be left alone, it means I need to leave him alone and not take it personally or be unhappy about it - if I just go make myself happy somewhere else, he will cheer up faster. It means when I am moody, I have to go for a run instead of trying to make my husband deal with it. In particular I have to set this example for my daughter and correct her when she misuses her "power". I can't fix the world, but I can work on myself and I can try to teach her a better way.
The hardest part of all is that when he has a complaint about me or my behavior, I have to take it, and just listen, and usually apologize, and not try to justify or turn it around or make it about his failings instead. And this might be the worst thing of all: that we women do this constantly to men, maybe daily. But when it is reversed we cannot deal with it at all. We can't self-analyze or take the criticism, at all. I'm trying to learn how. This is one thing I mean by women being emotionally stronger: I can take any conversation and flip it around on him. I have to make myself NOT do this. It is shameful how hard it is. It shames me that for nearly 2 decades he did not feel he could say these things to me at all, but I freely criticized him all the time.
FWIW, I think women were taught this by example at some points in history - but aren't now.
It's kind of shocking that my house isn't as well kept now (I'm retraining so that I can get a higher-paying job and contribute more financially, now that our kids are older), I'm not as beautiful as I was ten years ago, but my husband loves me more now than he ever has, and desires me more than ever (we have more sex now than when we were newlyweds!) simply because I'm learning how to use my emotional strength in the proper way. When I read MGTOW, the only thing I find sad is how we women are driving men to such an extreme by being so emotionally abusive. I don't think most women know how awful they're being - they haven't been taught what it means to be emotionally mature.
It also serves as a reminder to me, when I read here, to keep striving to be better, to not fall into old patterns. A great book that was recommended to me by a man and helped me to see what women can do to men (and how to be better) was this one.
Don't steal Roosh's book. It's only $10 and worth it. https://www.amazon.com/Day-Bang-Casually-Girls-During/dp/1463765045/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1522582293&sr=1-1&keywords=day+bang+in+books
https://www.amazon.com/Threesome-Handbook-Practical-Guide-SLEEPING/dp/1568583338
Best book out there on threesomes, esp. for married couples
https://www.amazon.ca/Love-Respect-Desires-Desperately-Needs/dp/1591451876/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1538877096&sr=1-1&keywords=love+and+respect+book
Yes both people need to be treated with respect all the time. If you do something dumb would you tolerate someone cursing at you and calling you an idiot? No because it's disrespectful. Both of you need respect, but for men it's their prime motivator.
I personally think that you should appreciate women's beauty, however I feel that catcalling would be unnecessary i didn't see any approach done "right", i actually feel that people, specially men should learn some social dynamics specially towards talking to the opposite sex, and by this i don't mean learn pick up and fuck as many girls as possible and shit like that, but because I feel that its important to be able to connect with women in a way. I feel that a lot of rapes, and sexual frustration, and probably prostitution is because men want an easy way out, and don't want to put in the work to approach women, and now you could even go online dating if you don't like it but i think that men become more aware of how to deal with this certain situation, I am working on myself to be able to approach a girl and give her a genuine compliment and to mean it because I say it and say it because I mean it, not to get attention that just because by catcalling people I 'prove im manly' they come off as needy and shit.
Although I feel that people, specially women, if you learned some pick up or rather some more sociability they see that as ungenuine and even more chumpy, but the counter argument i would say is they are not being genuine either, they use make up and they are manipulating their appearance to look more attractive and in a way is manipulating me to think better of them, I am against some of the principles of pick up but the dating science isn't wrong, but its on the right path. I personally think that, like in my case, if you know you suck with women, and you don't want to be in a path of crappiness and neediness, via using prostitution to get laid or roofing people to get laid or rather rape girls, or vast usage of porn, I would say that its good.
I personally would recommend reading Models by Mark Manson because the book is really fucking awesome and it would make you a better man, and perhaps reading the 'further reading' books from that book help you understand the mating system of humans, and to become a better man. I think the book itself is actually really good because it states more than just to get laid is to find quality women to be fullfillled and be more happier with women, and in a way is actually attacking the dating science in a way by attacking The Mystery Method which all pick up could be summed up by that single book. In a way I would recommend both and take the best from both because neither of them is 'wrong' but niether one of them is 'right'. I do agree with Manson's idea of confidence and working in yourself more than in women and being sexualy fulllfilled doesn't require large amounts of women, while I also agree with Mystery's focus on competence vs. confidence because he says that you can't quantify confidence and rather focus on number of approaches and really statistics because that shows competence and successful competence breeds confidence eventually but in a way Manson's idea is better, because he is coming from a place of abundance of women and general happiness, is like saying being 'good' with women is something you are and not do and your looks, money demographics and ect does matter in the equation, over mystery's idea which is coming from neediness, because he refers as girls having 'high value' and by that you are infering that you aren't enough for her so you have to in a way manipulate yourself into making her thinking you are 'good enough' so that it doesn't matter if you look like a fucking troll no matter what if your 'game' is 'tight' it doesn't matter what even if the girl is married or anything really, she will sleep with you and that isn't the case, because mysetery uses a lot of indirect and 'fool proof' tactics that are more convoluted than just expressing your intent and if it doesn't work out move on asap, I'd say that take the best they both are right, and both concepts are correct but im leaning more the natural no scripts type of things and just being freeforming it.
I'd recommend both people getting those two books and they will change your life or at least make you think better and be more aware of how to flirt better. And perhaps reading Double your Dating by David DeAngelo, this one focuses more on dating girls and setting up and getting exposure to women over, is focused on both competence and confidence, and in a more natural way. I'd say get them, you can torrent them if you are so cheap, but defenitely read up on them and see what comes out of it.
So defenitely get Models by mark manson and Mystery Method because you can get a really clear picture on the subject of picking up women, and Double your Dating by David D just the simple ebook don't dig too much into it.
other books, I heard of them, and read some reviews on amazon and they seem to have really good reviews but I haven't gotten them or read them but they seem legit too.
Bang by roosh V
Day bang by roosh v
The manual by W. Anton
the Natural by richard la ruina
Get inside her by Marni Kinrys
they all seem like good resources to start and move on from there... and work on specific sticking point, but i'd say don't believe everything use them as guidelines and not as rules, and take them with a pinch of salt. the reason for this was because when I read the Mystery Method, it was well argued and every contingency is planned for, that I couldn't really find fault with the method, And so I believed all the "high value" bullshit that i fucking felt that i needed to one up everybody and that isn't the case, i was able to rescue myself from that mindset by Models, and I really thought it was genuine and it doesn't rely on too much bullshit and is more natural there is no one upping bullshit. I am not preching seduction community but i feel men should know what they are doing, specially if they suck like me, and be just more aware of things.
Perhaps i'd also reccomend
Gifts of Imperfection by Breene Brown since this book really digs somewhat on the self acceptance/self worth/self esteem part and what pick up artist would call 'inner game' ...
I'd say pick whatever books you want to BUT STOP reading too much into it, i became too paranoid and wanted to read every book on pick up out there and that is not the case guys, hope i helped.
TLDR--read books, become aware, know better, don't be a creep but don't be chump either, get informed guys know your shit,
http://www.amazon.com/1001-Questions-Ask-Before-Married/dp/0071438033/ref=sr_1_1
she's conflicted. she wants it. the real question is do you? I doubt it, not with her. from the intensity of her reaction, she's no doubt thinking of her relationship with you in typical heterosexist fairy-tale terms. if you do this with her, I give it 75% chance your relationship ends within a year.
right now, drop the subject. get the book The Threesome Handbook. In it, she discusses communication strategies as well as healthy terms to do it under so that you don't lose your girlfriend.