(Part 2) Best marriage books according to redditors

1. You don't have to always be right.
   
2. If you do the small things that make her/him happy then you'll be happy.
   
3. Don't hold things in.
   
4. Put yourself in your SO's shoes and it becomes much easier to find compromise.
   Note: These all require equal participation.
   
   Edit: First, some of you have pointed some places where this stuff doesn't work. That's true. It doesn't always work, but I have had great success with these principals.
   
   Second, a couple of you asked how we figured this list out and agreed to it. We aren't that wise. We took a communication class and read a book before we got married. The book is Fighting for Your Marriage and it basically gives techniques for fighting and finding solutions. It's kind of silly in spots but it works really well and becomes less awkward as it is used more and more.

> I'm concerned that I'm teaching him to be miserable instead of how to enjoy the long ride. How do you all handle this?

44, 4 kids, 2 grown. They're all turning out OK. My advice?

• Keep food in the house, model healthy attitudes toward it, and do not begrudge the teenage food budget feeding their friends. Make your home a haven for your kids and the other kids they drag home: judgment-free, supportive, honest (embarrassingly so!), and with an apparently unlimited supply of food.
  
• Don't drink heavily or use illegal drugs. The time for that was before you had kids and after they are no longer in your home.
  
• Don't physically, emotionally, or mentally abuse them or your spouse.
  
• Don't sexually abuse them.
  
• Be involved in their online & real-life lives. Memorize the names & faces of their friends. Ask questions about the relationships among friends and show an interest in brainstorming ways that might help resolve problems. Your child will often be willing to talk about others' struggles long before their own, and will often understand how to solve other kids' problems before their own.
  
• Don't have sex with people other than your spouse while you have kids in the home. It's destructive to their emotional well-being to be around someone modeling the inherent dishonesty and addictive behavior associated with extramarital affairs.
  
• Be radically honest with them about yourself, your relationships, your finances, and emotions, PARTICULARLY the positive experiences. The chances are really good they are a lot like you, and if they understand your struggles they'll normalize and deal better with their own, and an experience of "look what I did right and how I did it!" is much more useful for a kid to model than "look at how I screwed up again, I'm not sure what I did wrong."
  
  If you simply avoid beating, drugging, lying to, ignoring, and hiding fuck-buddies from your kids you're doing better than most of the population. They'll be OK. If the worst thing you do is model excessive frugality and an outcome-oriented mindset toward finances, you're doing great.
  
  Good luck. It's a fun ride with its share of tears, anxiety, joy, and love, and it doesn't stop once the kids are out of the house. It just becomes less immediate.

Speaking of actual red pill texts, did you say fedora tipping and science and knowledge 4 lyfe? TRP has you covered.

Do you have an LGBT center near you? The nearest might be in a nearby city. If they do, see if there are any lesbian group sessions. It can be eye-opening to meet, hear and see other women who have gone through similar situations and survived: what went right, what went not-right and what they'd do differently if they had it to do all over again.

Here are a few books that I tend to recommend about your situation. They're written by women in your situation:
Dear John, I love Jane.
Living Two Lives.
Married Women Who Love Women.

They come in Kindle editions, so you could read them on your phone without worrying about leaving them laying around the house.

It has a super cheesy title, but my fiance and I are reading a book called Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts. It has a workbook for men and women (sold separately) that we're also working through together. It's actually been super fun! My fiance even said it's not eye gougingly painful like he thought it was going to be.

Two years out and almost all of the ptsd symptoms have subsided. I still have occasional nightmares and emotional flooding. I still sometimes get anxiety when she works late.

There is an actual condition called “Post Infidelity Stress Disorder” and a book that purports to help:

PISD: The Six Stages

I found that self-reflection, self-awareness, and self-improvement all helped. Becoming the best version of myself has given me the courage. I lost weight, started lifting weights, went from couch to marathon in a year. I serve on the regular (shelters, food pantry, volunteer at my kids school, etc).

We ended up reconciling and I’m grateful for that, but before this happened she was my world. I was naive. I realize now that I am strong enough to be alone if that becomes necessary. There is incredible freedom in that.

I wish you peace.

Don't do it. No matter how impartial you may be, one of them will end up resenting you. Tell them to see a professional counselor.

Edit: The AAMFT has a list of reputable therapists on thier website and you can search by area. Many will take sliding scale clients based on income.

If they want some help and don't want to see a counselor, I would advise them to read the book "Fighting for your Marriage" and see if that helps.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0470485914/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_JImlzbSP63Z8R

The act of marriage is a good book. http://www.amazon.com/The-Act-Marriage-Beauty-Sexual/dp/0310212006

I think it is important and healthy to talk about it before you actually start having sex. The honeymoon might not be all glamorous depending on your experience.

edit:Just looked at your post history, yea i would most def talk to your partner if you desire some things that we may call outliers. My policy is if it doesn't cause permananent harm, doesn't involve other people(porn is included in this), not dealing with any sanitary issues then have at it

Dear John, I Love Jane: Women Write About Leaving Men for Women: https://www.amazon.com/Dear-John-Love-Jane-Leaving/dp/1580053394/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_14_t_0?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=XNSK2AXNZG9M28XQF6KT

>IMO, and please correct me if I'm wrong. She should not be accepting party requests on his weekend with the kids.

Technically this is correct. However, it depends greatly on what their CO says. I can't think of any reason why it might say that she's allowed to schedule things when they are with their father, but it's possible. Maybe.

All of that said, regardless of what she said about being fine with him moving on, she's clearly not. Maybe check out our resources page. There are several different books listed, Say Goodbye to Crazy is very popular around here when dealing with a high conflict ex.

To be honest, there isn't much YOU personally can do. Your SO has to learn how to properly establish boundaries (which it sounds like he is going to start trying to do) and initially she will resist. She will resist HARD. If she's used to calling the shots, she is not going to appreciate him taking a firm stance with her. Eventually, she'll settle down (one hopes) and your life can continue on a relatively normal course. But for now, expect her to really really push back. Because no matter what she said, she's not fine with him moving on.

My husband read this and it has helped https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Someone-Bipolar-Disorder-Understanding/dp/1572243422

> She knows my favourite food and stuff like that, but not fundamental (and arguably more important things) aspects such as my values and what I want for the future.

So tell her. She'll file it away. She may or may not tell you the same things about herself. She'll be especially interested if you emphasize the plan part of what you want for the future, and the why parts of your values. (Not why you have the values, but the way the values are the why of your plans and decisions.)

> it doesn't seem like she shares my feelings

Probably right. She probably finds it not very important to tell other people, even her legit best friend, about her feelings. Not because she's keeping it to herself, mind you, but because she hardly thinks about her feelings at all. She probably thinks about her feelings as much as you think about the janitorial staff's work schedule at school. She thinks about her thoughts a lot. But she hardly thinks about her feelings at all. And that's why she doesn't talk about them. They're not a big part of her life.

> More often Than not, she is very cold and insensitive even if I'm experiencing a serious situation that upsets me.

This is a real bummer. I didn't learn how to handle this right until I was 32. (Yes, really.) If you think she'd be open to learning an incredibly important relationship skill from a book, here's the one. The High-Conflict Couple. The title seems totally irrelevant, I know. That'll probably be hard for her to get past. But if you tell her that an older, wiser internet stranger recommended this book on the grounds that it's an unbelievably important relationship skill, that's readily learnable from a book, and this book is written in a very INTJ-accessible style... maybe she'll go for it. And if she does, then you, OP, will find that she becomes far, far less cold and insensitive to your suffering.

> she just doesn't care to 'act' in a more emotive and sensitive manner?

This is tricky. Part of it is, she probably wants to be genuine and honest with you. And she genuinely and honestly thinks the best way to deal with you and your problems is to stay level-headed, positive, and solution-oriented.

Another part is probably that she just lacks the basic relationship skill 'validating feelings'. I lacked it until I read the book I mentioned above, The High-Conflict Couple. I knew the phrase, just had no idea how to do it. The book taught me how. It could teach your friend how.

> She has also admitted that she often sees people and relationships as tools? This is worded really badly

I'd bet you $10 that what she meant was she views people and relationships as systems. She thinks about how they work. She's content when they seem to her to be working well, and she's discontent when they seem to be busted. This probably bothers you because it feels artificial or inauthentic to you. And that's natural, because if you started to approach your relationships as systems, it would be artificial and inauthentic when you did it. The thing to know is, it's just not for an INTJ. That's how we conceive of every single thing. Our bodies. Politics. Making a living. Whether to buy a pet. It's the natural, authentic way we think about every single thing- as systems made up of components interacting according to something like laws of nature. Relationships are no exception. We think of them as systems. It's deeply different, but it's not fake, it's not manipulative, and it doesn't mean we don't care about you.

> I really do think that bringing this up will cause tension/fricion/awkwardness in our relationship.

There are quite a few different ways you could bring them up, and some of them would indeed harm your relationship.

• One way would be to tell her you disapprove of the way she exists in the world, that you're not ok with her being a T (as opposed to an F) and you don't accept her thinking about your relationship with each other as a system. I probably don't need to tell you that this would harm, maybe end, your relationship.
  
  
• You could tell her that you're really interested in her feelings, how your feelings are a super important part of your life, and you want to know about hers. You've got to accept that there won't be as much there as you expect, and you've got to make real, real sure to be accepting and nonjudgmental about whatever feelings are there. But I bet you can draw some out if you try, and you can connect in this area.
  
  
• I don't know how to broach the topic of her insensitivity to your pain. I guess it depends on how you two normally talk. But like I said, if you can get her to read the book, you'll be doing her and yourself both a huge favor (more huge for her, since she'll reap the benefit of it for her whole life).
  
  Didn't mean to write you a whole essay, but I hope it helps. :)

every man's battle as well

Also this book is highly recommended, it's called Dear John, I Love Jane and is filled with stories of women who have left men for women. You are certainly not alone!

I think women are often worse than men when it comes to slut-shaming. Sure, the redpiller types bandy the S-word around a lot, but that's probably because they're mad that they're not getting laid. Men who are getting laid regularly with multiple partners are benefitting from so-called sluts. Why would they want to discourage them?

As for women, particularly those who are economically dependent on marriage, I think many see "sluts" as a threat. Promiscious women are potentially a "threat" directly to their relationship, and a "threat" indirectly because by increasing the supply of sex, they're lowering its "market value." A few generations ago, if men wanted to have sex on a regular basis, their options were more or less limited to getting married or running up a large tab at the local brothel. These days, men don't have to get married or even necessarily be in a long-term relationship to have sex, provided that they are attractive enough. This is good for most of us, but bad for unattractive men who feel like they are missing out on all the fun and women who would like to charge a high "price" for sex (i.e. getting a man to marry them and possibly support them for the rest of their lives).

Psychologist David J. Ley makes some really interesting observations about slut-shaming as a way of controlling the "market value" of sex in his book, Insatiable Women.

> Even when I got married I felt guilty about having sex, or even thinking about sex.

It's probably not relevant to you now, but if anyone else feels this way, I heartily recommend the Christian manual The Act of Marriage: The Beauty of Sexual Love*. Along with practical sex education and advice, it encourages healthy attitudes**, communication, and enjoying the gift of marital sex. We received a copy as a gift just after we got married, and it's been a blessing.

*yes, it's written by the Left Behind guy (and his wife), and no, it's nothing like that series

**okay, there are some very conservative points that even I raised my eyebrows at, but the overall message is very healthy

This is totally, totally normal developmentally. As the other posters have said, he's having a growth spurt right now. If you're breastfeeding, all that eating is preparing your body to make more milk.

Weissbluth is on the more extreme side of things in terms of sleep training--extinction cry it out is very harsh, especially for such a tiny baby! Even 8 weeks seems very young to me. Since he's still in the fourth trimester, you might try the happiest baby on the block. If that doesn't work, The No Cry Sleep Solution is another option. If neither of those help you, I'd try Ferber next--but he recommends starting at about 4 months of age.

I tried cry it out, and always thought I would do that, but once my son made himself throw up from screaming I changed gears and used Elizabeth Pantley's "No Cry Sleep Solution." I had great results and my son was sleeping great within a week. She covers all sorts of situations and gives several solutions for many problems.

Is your friend a Christian by any chance (just a guess from your username and the early age of marriage)? If so, you might recommend The Meaning of Marriage by Tim Keller. It provides a really interesting discussion of marriage from a Christian perspective and what it means for a husband AND wife to submit to each other, rather than it being a one-way thing.

Yes there's a whole book about it

My viewpoint is.. you can control how someone feels about you.

If you're nice to someone and do all the things they like, of course they like you.

If you continue annoying habits and don't do anything they like, which happens when you get married and begin living together, they stop liking you *mind blown*

People come here asking for the "one" answer, the "one" thing to do to make their partner fall back in lust with them. "Hey, just do this, they'll be back on your lap with enthusiastic passion tomorrow" and it's not that simple. How far out of love are you, how far into contempt and despisement are you. It takes.. maybe a year to fix a dead bedroom.

Do the "fall back in love with you" things, and also read "Come As You Are" for the libido brakes and accelerators for sex specifically, toss in the purely physically and behaviourally attractive things (maybe lose weight, update wardrobe, hygiene, be pleasant and not clingy or whiny, get hobbies, go out with friends more OR do enjoyable activities together to bond and feel like a good team), go to a real doctor, get proper therapy or counselling etc etc

I've been very careful and aware of all these things with my new boyfriend. We've discussed and listened to each other regarding love languages, emotional needs, libido brakes and accelerators, been open and honest about what we find physically attractive and so on. We're working hard on preventing a dead relationship and a sexless (future) marriage.

Tim Keller's "The Meaning of Marriage" is a must read. Seriously, anyone who is married, plans to be married, or wants to be married someday ought to read this book.

"The Meaning of Marriage," by Tim Keller, does a good job addressing the role of marriage in Christian life. He includes the "gift of singleness," addressing where Paul says that he wishes people could be as he was; marriage is valuable, but some are not called to it.

http://www.amazon.com/The-Meaning-Marriage-Complexities-Commitment/dp/0525952470/ref=sr_1_1_ha

You're looking for an epistemology of parenting, eh?

Eenteresting. Good to do while you have the opportunity. No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy, but it's good to go in with general principles.

There's three kinds of resources: facts (what's this rash), philosophy (what principles are best) and decision-making (given these facts, what's the best decision in line with these principles).

It's important to keep the three clearly separated.

Get your facts from people with relevant degrees from real universities, preferably with peer review, who aren't trying to sell their book and who haven't stuck out on their own against Big Dermatology, etc. Get them from a range of such sources, to average out anomalies.

Get your philosophy from people who give a shit about kids. First ask if they sound compassionate, then ask if they sound sensible. Ask whether you'd want to slap them if they tried to advise you at 3am while you were cleaning projectile diarrhoea out of the carpet. Ask whether they're actually promoting an end, or just their favourite means. Can you generalise their philosophy to arbitrary situations? Does it feel right, have they got their head screwed on and their feet on the ground?

Your decision-making... will mostly be your own, when the rubber hits the road. The life of a new (or even new-ish) parent is hectic and stressful, and you just have to deal with things as they happen. But for the stuff you have space to at least nominally decide on in advance (given that 80% of it will go to hell when actually put into practice), give it half a dozen different sanity checks. Is it the best thing for your child? Does it sound sane and reasonable? Is it realistic in your situation, or was it suggested by someone with unlimited space, time, rest and money? Will it hold up to extremely stressful situations with your kid being extremely fucking unreasonable? Does it involve being a dick to your kid? Would it make you feel like some kind of asshole? Is it going to be sustainable, or is it going to exhaust you into an early grave? Does it contribute to raising an adult, while still giving your kid a childhood? Does it help teach them to do dangerous things safely? Does it balance support and independence? Will your family be happier for it overall?

I don't have many specific resources to recommend; mine's just turning 11 after all.

Our paediatrician wrote an extremely good book: Baby On Board. It was absolutely fantastic and I can't recommend enough, especially in the first year. It's helpful, down to earth, extremely damn sensible, and backs up its recommendations with solid science.

The No-Cry Sleep Solution comes very highly recommended; please read up on cortisol levels and neural development if you're considering CIO techniques.

Other than that... ask me, because I know everything, and am the Best Person. :D

You haven't given us too many details, so I may be off base, but your problems sound like pretty standard communication problems younger people have in relationships.

I think if you both really give it an effort, counseling could really help.

Edit: This book really helped my wife and I with similar problems

http://www.amazon.com/Fighting-Your-Marriage-Best-seller-Preventing/dp/0470485914

Holy crap zz1. Not all cuckolding is a downward spiral or emasculates the male or destroys blah blah blah. You get my point. Here, read this book and see how other couples deal with cuckolding long term. I think you'll want to shoot for some balance in the relationship.

https://www.amazon.com/Insatiable-Wives-Women-Stray-Love/dp/1442200316

Athol Kay's Married Man Sex Life
Rational Male
Roosh's books
and my own humble (VERY humble) book on the Manosphere: http://www.amazon.com/Manosphere-New-Hope-Masculinity-ebook/dp/B00D74DQ8E/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1409321837&sr=8-1&keywords=manosphere

Check out The No-Cry Sleep Solution.

This book isn't a singular "solution" as the title implies, but it's a collection of ideas to work through various sleeping challenges. I still use their charts whenever I have a question about what's within the normal range of sleep.

DD was 9 months old and still waking every other hour through the night to nurse... and I had had enough. First step was switching her to a bottle during the night. (She was already bottle trained as I work.) Then I decreased the amount in the bottle over a week - except for the feeding I wanted to keep, at 10. After the bottle got down to 1-1.5 oz, she didn't bother to wake up for the snack.

The 10pm bit didn't work, her body was set for 1-2am, but I was glad to no longer be waking every other hour. So there is hope, it doesn't have to involve all-or-nothing, but it may take a few weeks to get there. Good luck!

Sacred Marriage son!

I would just like to say that I recently revisited the baby book that my mom did for me and it was SO AMAZING, and that is the sole reason why I will be doing one for mine. I always knew about it and had looked at it several times throughout my life, but I thought it was weird. Until recently, now that I'm more mature and maternal and can fully appreciate it. She used a template book, so it wasn't particularly creative, but it was more important to me that I could read about what her pregnancy was like, the things she was excited/nervous about, and (after I arrived) she included things like daily entries from my first nanny, and cards from loved ones to congratulate her on the baby. Just a bunch of random things that really painted a picture of my mom as a young mother, and I absolutely loved experiencing that part of her. And how special that she put such time into someone she barely even knew yet (me)! I guess what I'm getting at is - it's never too early. Pregnancy memories will mean a ton to your grown-up child, maybe even more than the ones about his/her young self.

P.S. I found a templatized one that I liked, though I haven't started it yet. I love love love that it a) has really unique writing prompts that aren't all cutesy, b) gives a lot of focus to "mom and dad's" relationship, pre-baby. I wish I had known more about that part of my mom and dad's experience/romance/pre-baby life. https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1462112684/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o05_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

Congrats on your engagement! What a fun time it is :)

Videos are great, yes, but premarital counseling and reading (reading, reading) books where you can discuss together and write your thoughts/ideas/feelings together is hugely beneficial. I'd recommended Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts (https://www.amazon.com/Saving-Your-Marriage-Before-Starts/dp/0310259827), How We Love (https://www.amazon.com/How-We-Love-Discover-Marriage/dp/1400072999, and Intended For Pleasure (https://www.amazon.com/Intended-Pleasure-Technique-Fulfillment-Christian/dp/0800719379). There are so many more!

THIS. If you really want to be a filmmaker, then start filming.

What do you mean by "never got to shoot my own"? Were people supposed to set up your shoot for you?

You have to make the work, you can't expect it to come to you. Read the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. Then read it again.

Watch movies with the commentary on. Watch shorts other people have made on vimeo and youtube. Get inspired.

Talk to the people around you about wanting to film something, see who else is interested. It might surprise you how many people are willing to throw themselves in front of the camera for fun, as long as you have a concrete vision of what you want to film.

But like /u/madism said: dig deep within yourself to remember why you want to be a filmmaker. Nobody's going to make you one.

There was a video on here that I can't find again, it was a guy giving a pep talk to creative people and he said something along the lines of "you'll never get full-time results by putting in part-time work." That's what finally got me off my duff and filming.

Edit to add another great, inspiring book: [The Magic of Thinking Big] (http://www.amazon.com/Magic-Thinking-Big-David-Schwartz/dp/0671646788/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1406073375&sr=1-2&keywords=think+big)

YES!

I was that guy until my wife told me she was leaving. Then I desperately tried all sorts of things (books, counseling, changing everything in our life, begging...) until I found the answer.

To be fair, we have lots of problems, and this was only one of them, but it was a major one. Major.

Tell him this is a really serous problem, because it is. This will end your relationship sooner or later. And then tell him that a nice internet stranger claims to have experienced precisely the same relationship dynamic, and recommends one book.

It's called The High-Conflict Couple, and it's about validating feelings. I guarantee that he doesn't understand validating feelings. I didn't, until year 12 of my marriage. This book is written in a very NT style, and it opened my eyes. Please get him a copy. It will open his eyes too.

Check out the Christian book - Every Man's Battle. Get yourself a copy, it will help you deal with the cause of your fapping, not just the action itself. It's one thing to deal with the fap, it's another to deal with WHY you fap.

Also, other useful tools are Reddit Enhancement Suite
and K9 Web Protection. These are what I've used to help get a handle on my situation. Please seriously consider using these tools. God Bless and Good luck bro!

Having been in a relationship with a (so-called) Christian woman for 18 mos that in my gut felt 'forced' or 'wrong' - to a relationship with my now wife where we were so like-minded on things and it just came easy to be with her, I realized I probably wasn't listening enough to the Spirit and should have ended it long ago.

If you have to try too hard to make it work, then it's probably wrong. It should come easy and feel like hand in glove. And should be confirmed by family and trusted friends.

"I think she believes in God but does not have a relationship with him, and I don’t know that she’s too keen on trying to live by the Word." 2 years and you don't know where she is spiritually? That's enough to run for the hills - if you want a Godly spouse for life.

I'll leave you with a statement from the book "Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts" which I highly recommend: https://www.amazon.com/Saving-Your-Marriage-Before-Starts/dp/0310259827

"The most miserable people in the world aren't single. They are married people who realize they've made a grave mistake."

I'd start here:

https://www.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/9ex1v7/lift_faggot_lift/

Then all this

https://www.amazon.ca/Manosphere-New-Hope-Masculinity-ebook/dp/B00D74DQ8E

https://www.amazon.ca/Red-Queen-Evolution-Human-Nature-ebook/dp/B006O4227U/ref=sr_1_fkmr0_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1483461928&sr=1-1-fkmr0&keywords=mat+ridley+red+queen

https://www.amazon.ca/Practical-Female-Psychology-Man-ebook/dp/B00RR6RNO6

http://www.returnofkings.com/misc/The-Solomon-Group.pdf

If anyone can find where yareally ended up, would be appreciated

http://www.djbible.classicalgasemissions.com/antidumpsmachine.pdf

https://www.amazon.ca/Warriors-soldiers-soul-Terrence-Popp-ebook/dp/B009SQHZIM

https://www.amazon.com/Day-Bang-Casually-Girls-During/dp/1463765045/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_14_t_0?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=0Y5D0CFXP2QZ9NE47NG5

I'm not sure if you like to read at all, but there's some books that have helped me a lot.

"Transcending Post Infidelity Stress Disorder" - Dennis Ortman

"A Beautiful, Terrible Thing: A Memoir" - Jen Waite

I am not a married spouse, I am in my twenties, so there's some aspects of your story I cannot relate to. However I am in a long term relationship with someone who has cheated on me both online and physically, and I have cheated on him physically. The biggest thing that helped me with his infidelity was being able to ask questions, even though they were uncomfortable and painful. Neither of us will ever fully understand why the other did what they did, but knowing the details helped me heal tremendously. This is something you should mention during therapy if you decide to continue it. If neither of you can communicate your feelings and check in with each other regularly about your needs, a lot of things will be compartmentalized and repressed until they just boil and explode. Good luck, I'm glad to hear you've (mostly) worked things out.

First, I HIGHLY recommend the book The High-Conflict Couple. It will teach both of you skills to meet each others emotional needs, express your own, and talk about issues without fighting/screaming/escalating/using hurtful words.

So whatever the case, you should check out that book. But also, is it possible she has Borderline Personality Disorder? If you read over that information and a light goes off in your head, you should definitely check out the book Stop Walking on Eggshells.

Not knowing anything about how you and your wife are/have been navigating your transition - - as someone married to a person currently transitioning MtF, can I leave you with a quote from the book She's Not the Man I Married by Helen Boyd? It that might speak to some of the conflict your wife is in.

> I've felt convinced that at the root of it all is sexuality, that my unwillingness to love a woman is about facing unfamiliar genitals and wondering who is supposed to be on top. I couldn't figure out why loving a woman should seem so unimaginable when loving that same person in a male body was so fantastic. Since I was already comfortable with flexible gender roles, it didn't make any sense why some part of me was dragging its heels and saying no. But in the 21st century, in which the primary ethic is to do whatever you need to do to be yourself, fulfilled, and happy, it's hard not to notice that I'm stuck between a paradox and a dilemma: Either I'd have to change my sexual orientation to accommodate my husband's transition - and do so in an era when gay men have stopped pretending they can change theirs - or my husband would need to find a way to feel female without changing sex. It seems almost laughable, even to me. One voice in my head tells me we're screwed, while another unapologetically suggests I simply haven't tried hard enough.
(pp 36-37)

I'm fond of these titles:
Bipolar Disorder Demystified from 2003, I still have my copy. It's cheap on Amazon. I sat down with all the books at a local book store and this is the one that was approachable to me, when I first got diagnosed.
http://www.amazon.com/Bipolar-Disorder-Demystified-Mastering-Depression/dp/B002HOQ9BG/

Loving Someone with Bipolar is a great book as well, for your partner or family. Be aware, that the book is not going to pull punches, and flat out does tell people that sometimes, in order to financially or emotionally survive and do well, you have to leave people with mental disorders. It encourages people to help, but not to devote their every waking moment to caring for their mood disorder partner.
http://www.amazon.com/Loving-Someone-Bipolar-Disorder-Julie/dp/1572243422/r

I have a book recommendation for you: Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts . It's fairly low key, easy to read in a casual way, and it covers lots of good bases. As a happily married person, I can confirm that if you're able to adopt some of the habits and ideas that this book covers, you will have a happier more successful marriage. Read it together and talk about it, see what comes up.

I'm not married, so I won't pretend to offer advice, but... have you read Laura Doyle's book?

It does seem very misleading. I definitely went in thinking she was gonna say something totally different than she did. On a side note, if anyone is really interested in reading more about this topic, and marriage in general, you should pick up Tim Keller's Meaning of Marriage. I just finished it and put marriage in a totally different light for me (I'm single). Highly recommend if you're interested in that sort of thing.

My husband is BP2 and was diagnosed about 3 years ago. A book I found really helpful was: http://www.amazon.ca/Loving-Someone-Bipolar-Disorder-Understanding/dp/1572243422/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1426032024&sr=8-2&keywords=Loving+Someone+with+Bipolar+Disorder%3A+Understanding+and+Helping+Your+Partner
I have read criticisms of this book that say you are basically a slave to your partner, but I have to admit that in living with someone with this disorder, you kind of are.

Link to book (https://www.amazon.com/First-Kill-All-Marriage-Counselors/dp/1940363861)

We get a lot of these questions on the r/actuallesbians so if you haven't already, you could try posting there! And you can also search the sub for terms like "married man" or "boyfriend" because a lot of good advice has been given over the years.

There's also a book called Dear John, I Love Jane, a compilation of writings from women who have been in your position.

I've heard Every Man's Battle well recommended by my Christian peers.

Okay...so I tried to reply to this during Reddit's awful down time yesterday. Here goes another try:

There is a great book about this very subject, called Dear John, I Love Jane: Women Write About Leaving Men for Women. I highly recommend it. Trish Bendix, editor at Afterellen, has a piece in the book, as well as a friend of mine.

http://www.amazon.com/Dear-John-Love-Jane-Leaving/dp/1580053394/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1323358890&sr=8-1

I recommend carrying this book when you go for the counseling session

http://www.amazon.com/First-Kill-All-Marriage-Counselors/dp/1940363861

first, sympathies for you and your family in a terribly tough time.

second, i did browse through the comments, so hopefully this isnt too repetitive, but apologies if ive missed something and it is.

ok, on to the meat of what i want to say: i generally tend toward the perspective that, when in doubt (and obviously barring extreme cases, such as abuse, etc.), work toward maintaining family integrity. that said, when i took a marital communication course in undergrad, we read some articles that suggested that even in the absence of abuse, separation may, in fact, be a healthier choice for kids than parents staying together solely for the kids.

mark cummings at the u of notre dame studies this (his results have been cited in a relevant book that may be worth checking out ('fighting for your marriage' -- cant recommend this book enough (even for non-married folks, like roomies or folks having difficult interactions with co-workers)). its a collection of empirically-based (i recently bought the newest edition and can vouch for the substantial updating thats been done in comparison to the copy i bought back in college in the early 2000s :)) communication and conflict resolution techniques/ways of thinking about communication and relationships that might help you understand yourself and those around you better, and its pretty user-friendly (its almost too user-friendly, in that the writing style is supposed to be very accessible, and its accessible to the point of making you want to roll your eyes sometimes (but don't let that deter you)). its organized into sections about conflict resolution, how to enjoy each other, how to manage expectations, etc., so you can skip around and root out whats applicable to you, or just read it through in one shot. I've done both at various times :)).

it seems that data suggest that, depending on the context, it might be better for parents to dissolve their union than for the kids to live a live imbued with destructive conflict. (i mention destructive conflict particularly, because there is such a thing as constructive conflict, and i remember reading literature about how important it is for kids to witness their parents not only engaging in constructive conflict, but also making up. like, a pattern in a lot of households is that parents explode at each other and storm off to fight behind closed to doors to spare the kids, but then the kids don't get to witness the making up. its super-key to expose kids to that!) cummings wrote a book on the subject that looks interesting, but i haven't checked it out, so i can't vouch for it. its called 'marital conflict and children: an emotional security perspective.'

studies aside, at the end of the day, i would consider the idea that you and your wife each see an individual therapist, and after seeing your own therapists for a little bit, then also get a couples therapist to help you navigate the process of fleshing out your future in a positive way (whether its as a couple, or co-parents). these are complex issues that are rooted in both of your pasts, and it may help to unpack some of them with some professional guidance. most importantly, though, it seems that you may benefit from learning about how to communicate, which is absolutely something a good therapist can help you do. (i would check out a therapist with a cognitive-behavioral orientation, and tell them up-front that part of what you want is help/practice with communicating (communicating about difficult topics, in particular).)

once the path is clearer (or even right now, if you are seeing any signs that your kids are having trouble with this (cause kids are more observant/sensitive than we give them credit for)), you might want to also seek out a family therapist or group to help ensure that your kids are getting the support they need (since kids often dont/cant verbalize how they feel about these kids of things out of a lack of vocabulary, or fear of damaging the parental relationship further, etc.).

best!

tl;dr - sometimes staying together for the kids is not the best scenario for them. seek out therapists (for each spouse individually, also for the couple, possibly for the kids) for support + to learn how to resolve conflict and improve communication (regardless of whether you stay in the marriage or not. these skills will be vital to having a positive relationship with your kids).

Children and marital conflict: The impact of family dispute and resolution. Guilford series on social and emotional development. Cummings, E. Mark;Davies, Patrick. New York, NY, US: Guilford Press. (1994). xviii 195 pp.

Marital conflict and child adjustment: An emotional security hypothesis. Davies, Patrick T.; Cummings, E. Mark. Psychological Bulletin, Vol 116(3), Nov 1994, 387-411.

version i loved in college: http://www.amazon.com/FIGHTING-YOUR-MARRIAGE-PREVENTING-PRESERVING/dp/0787957445

most recent edition: http://www.amazon.com/Fighting-Your-Marriage-Best-seller-Preventing/dp/0470485914/ref=dp_ob_title_bk

• To show to the world the love that Christ showed us.
  
  
• If one does choose the marriage route, I believe we also have a duty to help and encourage our spouse to draw closer to Christ.
  
  I'd recommend reading Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas. It's a really good read. The over reaching question throughout the whole book is "What if God intended marriage to make us holy, instead of make us happy?"

I really like [When We Became Three](When We Became Three: A Memory Book for the Modern Family https://www.amazon.com/dp/1462112684/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_cZMOybDN9RXB8) because it's modern and not too fussy and over the top sentimental. My husband and I have been going through the pages about us as a couple these past couple of weeks since our little boy is coming soon. It's been a very sweet way to remember our relationship, the pregnancy, and jot down our thoughts on impending parenthood.

A KeyHolder's Handbook: A Woman's Guide To Male Chastity This is the book you want. I've read it, it is a good intro to chastity. The writing isn't the best, and I had a few nitpicks here and there but it covers all the basics and has lots of ideas for things to try and also talks about why they're exciting.

Read this book. It may seem unrelated to your question but I think it has the answer to your problem, which is a different problem than the one you're asking about.

Hey, I don't have a really good answer for any of this but I would suggest you read She's Not the Man I Married . I would be more than willing to send you my copy when I've finished reading it.

I would defiantly try to talk out her communication issues in therapy. She should feel able to talk to you.

I got my wife A Keyholder's Handbook:

https://www.amazon.com/KeyHolders-Handbook-Womans-Guide-Chastity/dp/1493595377/ref=pd_sim_121_1?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=1493595377&pd_rd_r=QN6B4N604RKNDHHTW62Y&pd_rd_w=Lg3CM&pd_rd_wg=u3OHq&psc=1&refRID=QN6B4N604RKNDHHTW62Y

This is a pretty good book that goes though everything you mentioned. It helped my wife understand my desires and reasons why I like this stuff. It also dabble's in cuckoldry and sissification. If you want your gf to be at least "exposed" to those ideas, this is a good book.

I plan on doing two!

First, I bought this: http://www.amazon.com/When-We-Became-Three-Memory/dp/1462112684

It's adorable, fun, and easy to fill out! Along with the standard question blanks, it also has mad-lib style prompts and lists where you check boxes. It goes through the third or fifth birthday of the child and also lets you put information about how mom and dad met. And hey! It's $15!

Then, I have been journaling in Evernote (one of my favorite apps btw) about random pregnancy occurrences (doctor visits, how I've felt emotionally, the first time we felt him kick, etc.) I plan on continuing that through his birth and putting it along with pregnancy/newborn iPhone pictures into a photo book from shutterfly or blurb.

As an aside, my mom faithfully kept detailed books of all 4 of us kids, along with funny quotes we would say as toddlers. One of our favorite things to do as a family is go through those quotes and journal entries! It's really neat; I'm so grateful she took time to do that.

This stuff is fun! :D Do whatever you think you'll enjoy doing and be able to keep up with!

I bought my wife A Key holders handbook and asked her to read it, the condition was although I could ask how the book was I wouldn't look at it or read it.

I think it helped her understand that the dynamic would work in her favor and reassured her that I get pleasure not just from her pleasure but in serving.

I think it's particularly difficult for a vanilla partner to understand sissification especially with the connotation/stigma of what sissy could stem into.

Hey.

I may be wrong but you sound pretty fed up and angry. I hope my post can help, but I almost have a feeling you're even fed up with this thread and our responses.



14 years? Was she always like this? I have a feeling the advice I've written below is something you've already tried. I also posted some great resources. I really recommend listening to Season 1 of the StayMarried Podcast. (together.)


She doesn't work... does she literally sit around all day? Is she caring for children? What is she doing?



It seems incredibly unfair that you are working all day and she isn't pitching in.



Have you had a talk with her regarding what it takes to run your household and where you need her assistance? A KIND talk? A loving talk?



"Babe, can we talk tonight when I get home? I think we should talk about some things, and get on the same page. Feel free to think about some things you think we should talk about too, I might bring up cleaning and responsibilities, but I want to wait until I get home and we can speak face-to-face.


Babe, I really love you and I care about our happiness and our marriage. For so long, I feel like I've been putting in a lot of effort regarding chores around the house and going to work every day. The pets need to be cared for, etc... and I feel when my energy is low I become angry and unkind. I hate how crabby I get when I'm home. It's not fair to you. Do you feel the chores around the house are divided okay or do you feel they are a little unbalanced?


I feel they are unbalanced. What are some of the chores you enjoy doing better than others? What if you focus on those? Like Laundry? You can fold clothes while you watch a tv show, so it's not so boring. Dusting is also something you can do while watching tv. What if we put a tv or something in the kitchen? (make cleaning fun for her?)


If you agree to doing these chores, I can agree to managing our bills/finances. I think this will really help me to be more calm when I get home after a day at work.


Babe, I also wanted to say this before we are done talking. To me, sharing responsibilities, is very important to me. Please consider this agreement we made, a promise, together. When you help me out at home, I feel LOVED. I feel cared for and respected. I feel like we have a true partnership. When you are by my side helping me, I feel so dang good.


How are some ways I can help you? What are some things you need from me? I really want us to be a partnership and I really want to reexamine if your needs are being met as well.


It's odd to me this has been going on for 14 years? You might need counseling? Also, if you have to have this talk with her every 2 weeks, keep trying.. it takes TIME to create HABITS. She won't change over night. <3 Good luck!


Some of my favorite Marriage Resources that I picked out for you:


Discover your love languages love language Quiz

His Needs Her Needs Book: How to Affair Proof Your Marriage


Idea of the "Love Bank"-Verbage for how you're feeling within your marriage (helps communication)



#staymarried Blog & Podcast


A Sermon YESTERDAY(ironically) I attended that discusses: LOVE being a CHOICE and Meeting EACHOTHER at least 51%. (Sermon starts at 1:19, feel free to skip to 9:50)

The dynamic in counselling is very different for the man and the woman. Everyone touts "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus: and yet they then expect that counselling should be the same for both ! Give me a break.

This is an excellent book, if the wife is open to changing her approach to the relationship.
https://www.amazon.ca/First-Kill-All-Marriage-Counselors/dp/1940363861/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1504025071&sr=8-1&keywords=first+kill+all+the+marriage+counselors

Since you've gotten some great responses I want to point you to a couple books.

The Act of Marriage:The Beauty of Sexual Love.

The 5 Sex Needs of Men and Women

Both great resources for you and your wife.

Hi OP, I would highly recommend reading "First, Kill all the Marriage Councilors".


This book saved my relationship, my sister's marriage, and is helping my parent's tremendously.


Otherwise, best of luck :)

I'm reading this right now. It's pretty insightful.

https://www.amazon.com/Transcending-Post-infidelity-Stress-Disorder-PISD/dp/1587613344

Can I suggest some reading material? My Husband Betty and She's Not the Man I Married by Helen Boyd. She's a bit of a navel gazer and talks a lot about theory and sociology and how it applies to her situation.

She's Not There by Jennifer Finney Boylan. This one is her personal story about discovering herself up to her transition. It really close to home for us. She's working on a followup book about raising her boys in a transgendered home. It's supposed to be out later this year.

My spouse is transgender and we have 4 children. This never came up for us until about 13 years into our relationship and pretty much simultaneous with my 4th pregnancy.

Before you decide to leave the relationship, please try to get her to consider couples DBT. It's a form of therapy specifically designed for treatment resistant patients (developed with BPD in mind in fact!) and it's highly effective.

I have been in a relationship with a man diagnosed with BPD for 9 months now. He was not in therapy and wasn't on meds when I met him. My social worker sister recommended this book to us, and to try to find a DBT therapist who takes couples in the area. There haven't been any major conflicts between us and I feel being proactive and engaged with the therapy has been a huge part of that.

Want book suggestions for your increasing your motivation?

The Magic of Thinking Big And 30 Days of Discipline

This particular book is called "Transcending Post-infidelity Stress Disorder (PISD): The Six Stages of Healing"

Transcending Post-infidelity Stress Disorder (PISD): The Six Stages of Healing https://www.amazon.com/dp/1587613344/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_332lybS5ZWTNN

It might or might not be the best book or resource out there - I really have no idea because I didn't research what was out there on the subject.

The Magic of Thinking Big by David Schwartz - http://www.amazon.com/Magic-Thinking-Big-David-Schwartz/dp/0671646788

Girl. I. Feel. You. I have been the topic of discussion for 6+ years. I want to recommend a book to you. This has helped me tremendously!! PLEASE buy this and thank me later.

Hey, way to go! You should be really proud of your efforts!!!

I quit smoking weed 3 weeks ago and stopped cigarettes 4 days ago. I was abusing other substances too - but quit that 6 years ago...or so. I have been smoking weed (hash) every day - all day - for 8 years. I have smoked cigarettes since I was 12 - and I am now 38.

I can relate to the feelings you have. I have been through periods where I thought my best friends would kill me, that my girl hated me, that my parents couldn't care less - but I have put that in the bipolar bag - and not in any other bag. I use a nicotine substitute called Snus (almost like chewing tobacco) so I am not off the nicotine yet - but I am proud that I have quit smoking.

I do believe quitting any substance can trigger a mania - or atleast make your brain race. I think it will pass like all our periods do.

What is more important here is your girlfriend. She need's to be educated. Seriously! Have you showed her the Stephen Fry movie? Please show her that - it is a good starting point. Also - I can recommend the book "An unquiet mind"

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0679763309?ie=UTF8&tag=b069-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=0679763309

What about this one?

"Loving someone with Bipolar Disorder"

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1572243422?ie=UTF8&tag=b069-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=1572243422

I have not read that one - I am chronically single :) ...oh wait :(

:)

We got this one: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1462112684/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o09_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1.
I like it because it lets the child know more about the parents before their arrival happened. We already filled out the first part. It is cute and has light humor.

We just finished [](Say Goodbye to Crazy: How to Get Rid of His Crazy Ex and Restore Sanity to Your Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/1514683814/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_-M7HxbJ9EE8QT) book and of all the books I've read, this has been the most helpful.

We have two high conflict exes, who actually collaborate together despite my ex being strictly forbidden by our parenting facilitator to have contact with her (her = DH's ex wife). ExH bcc's her on emails, etc. they are ridiculous.

They are also both very wordy, reactive, and angry. A fun combo.

After reading that book we've dropped the last F from BIFF (now it's just Brief Informative and Factual), 3 sentences or less, responding ONLY if necessary and after 24-48 hours has passed since you read the email. Zero sharing of opinion, emotion, anything.

For example, BM mailed a 3 page, single spaced, TYPED, certified letter to DH's work (because God forbid she acknowledge our home exists) letting him know all the reasons why he is a selfish, horrible person, how awful we both are, how lucky the kids are to have her and their stepdad in their lives, (falsely) accused DH of trespassing and violating the decree by not advising her of our summer travel plans. None of that is true or required, but she thinks it is and put it in writing. Somewhere in there she included her summer vacation dates, then went off again about broken promises and how he should give her more than court ordered cs because blah blah blah.

His response? An email back confirming her summer vacation dates. One sentence.

Ever since we've completely ignored 99% of her emails, respond ONLY to the most necessary and ignore her accusations of stalking, harassment, trespassing (by dropping off one of the kids' retainers, btw. Kid came out to the car to get it-didn't even step out of the car), financially negligent we are by not going above and beyond the decree, etc etc. Now she adds how he refuses to coparent by ignoring her attempts to communicate and tells the kids how their dad won't talk to her even though she tries 🙄🙄🙄

Same sad story with my ex.

Don't feed the drama llama.

I don't know if you're a fan of Ian Ironwood, but he has a new book called The Manosphere: A New Hope For Masculinity and it's a very interesting analysis of the rise of the manosphere and what it entails. I'm still making my way through it.

edit link: http://www.amazon.com/The-Manosphere-Hope-Masculinity-ebook/dp/B00D74DQ8E

Have a look at:

http://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254?ie=UTF8&psc=1&redirect=true&ref_=ox_sc_act_title_1&smid=ATVPDKIKX0DER

http://www.amazon.com/Say-Goodbye-Crazy-Restore-Sanity/dp/1514683814?ie=UTF8&psc=1&redirect=true&ref_=ox_sc_act_title_2&smid=ATVPDKIKX0DER

I've never read either of these, I just stumbled across them the other day. I wish had thought about (or knew to look for) such information when I needed it.

I have read:

http://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1463149523&sr=1-1&keywords=stop+walking+on+eggshells

This offers a lot of insight to understanding a person with Borderline Personality Disorder, but doesn't offer any advice about leaving one.

My ex made my life hell, and that actually ramped up during the divorce and afterwards. She left me, but decided to punish me when I didn't miss her (her actual words, years later). Step very carefully.

Before any of that, get yourself some therapy or a support group. If you are actually dealing with a personality disorder, you need to give special thought to your own recovery. Most people who haven't experienced something like it simply can't relate to your experience. Seek out someone who can.

It is entirely possible you're learned to enable bad behavior, and you'll need to give real thought to how to get yourself healthy. I had no idea how "ground down" I was at the end of my marriage. I was barely human, but kept right on paying bills and taking care of things. There wasn't much of anything left under my responsibilities, just a sad grey ghost.

Anyhoo.... Good luck and be careful.

There's a book just for you:

http://www.amazon.com/Loving-Someone-Bipolar-Disorder-Julie/dp/1572243422

I think that one of these two books covered the subject. They are suprisingly open Christian-oriented books. If that's not your thing though, I'd look for a book written by a couple that focuses on how to make things better in the bedroom for couples.

The Act of Marriage: The Beauty of Sexual Love

http://www.amazon.com/The-Act-Marriage-Beauty-Sexual/dp/0310212006

The Gift of Sex: A Guide to Sexual Fulfillment

http://www.amazon.com/The-Gift-Sex-Sexual-Fulfillment/dp/0849944155

Insatiable Wives…

[She's Not the Man I Married: My Life with a Transgender Husband]
(http://www.amazon.com/Shes-Not-Man-Married-Transgender/dp/1580051936/ref=sr_1_9?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1332921087&sr=1-9&tag=bookforyoums-20)

The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God

have you tried getting her something to read on chastity such as this book? https://www.amazon.com/KeyHolders-Handbook-Womans-Guide-Chastity/dp/1493595377/ref=mt_paperback?_encoding=UTF8&me=

Seems to me that Jesus taught divorce isn't inherently sinful. At the least there seems to be allowances for marital unfaithfulness, like you're dealing with. But I think there's a reason to strive for more.

It all goes back to Jesus and the example he set. He came, lived, suffered, and died for our sin. Why? Because he loves us and, more importantly, he loves God. In the garden before he was arrested he prayed: "Father, if You are willing, take this cup away from Me—nevertheless, not My will, but Yours, be done." It was God's will that Jesus die for our sins. That was the ultimate motivation that Jesus required. It wasn't fair to him. It wasn't easy. It wasn't "right." But it was God's will.

See [Philippians 2:1-11], where Paul says, "If you understand Christ's love, if you have the Spirit of God in your heart, then think like Jesus did." What's the "one goal" that Jesus pursued and that Paul urges us to have? The glory of God. Not my will but His be done.

What does that love look like? It looks like laying down your authority and "rights" in order to serve. It looks like suffering unjustly. It looks like finding patience and endurance instead of taking a shortcut. It looks like the Beatitudes in [Matthew 5:3-12].

Why does it seem like God wants us to suffer and mourn sometimes? That's a tough question, but it's not entirely important. I think that, when I seek God with all my heart, I find him there in the middle of everything. He is what we want and need. He is the reason and the goal. Christ did God's will because that is where he found life and fulfillment and purpose. He was made for it. We are made for it. The difficult times are a challenge, but also an opportunity for the greatest fulfillment. Because in those times we really and truly see that we have nothing else. This is always true, but sometimes it takes difficulty and hardship to really see it.

I don't know that I can comment on exactly what steps you should or shouldn't take. But I think fulfilling your vow to your wife (and children) is a noble and Godly cause. Will she ever take you back? Will your family be restored? Will you find happiness? Who knows. But if she does, if it is, or if you do, that will merely be a blessing from God. The true peace and fulfillment you seek can only be found in God himself. And it motivates you to honor him and love him in everything that you do.

I made a covenant with my wife before God that I would love her to the end. I didn't say I would love her as long as I find our marriage satisfying. I didn't say I would love her as long as she loves me back. I didn't say I would love her until we both agree it's time to move on. Why? Because I felt that this was the sort of love Jesus has shown to us. He didn't get an invitation from us, he was sent. He didn't love us until he got tired of our pettiness and foolishness and sinfulness. He loved us to the end. He didn't love us because he found it satisfying and fulfilling. He loved us because doing the will of his Father was satisfying and fulfilling.

Anyways, I'm just rambling at this point. Hopefully something in there was coherent and on point.

Two things come to mind as I write this... this article (which has done a lot to shape my view of humility) and this book (which helped me to form together my concept of the purpose of marriage). Both are fantastic.

What say you?

Even better than this one (since this suggestion came from our pre-marital counseling) is the fact that she bought me and herself a copy of a book when we first got engaged, "His Needs, Her Needs": http://www.amazon.com/His-Needs-Her-Building-Affair-Proof/dp/0800744233

Of course I read it right then and several more times since. She hadn't even read a chapter of it over 5 years later despite me begging her to do so. I think she's read a couple chapters now, though nowhere near finished it.

By far the best book out there. Reviews speak for themselves. https://www.amazon.com/dp/1493595377/ref=rdr_ext_tmb

Have you considered going to couples therapy?

I think that the next time she tells you something like she feels like she's putting in 100% of the work you could just tell her that you want to be a better partner for her, maybe you could do therapy together to be sure that you properly address her concerns.

You can go with "Obviously I'm just not understanding, but I would like to and I think this would help us communicate about what you want from our relationship."

(You have your own problems but suggesting going to therapy isn't a good time to bring up your problems lol.)

You could also consider reading the 5 Love Langauges, maybe somehow you're just not expressing to her in a way she resonates with: https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2OGN6I57BGLOY&keywords=5+love+languages+by+gary+chapman&qid=1557866049&s=books&sprefix=5+love+%2Cstripbooks%2C161&sr=1-1

There's also a free quiz you can both take: https://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/ (IMO you can learn just as much to imrpove your relationship from both taking the quiz, both reading about the different styles of love languages conceptually, and both committing to knowing each other's primary languages AND your own.)

I haven't read this book, but a mentor of mine says it saved her marriage: https://www.amazon.com/Fighting-Your-Marriage-Best-seller-Preventing/dp/0470485914

This is helping me

​

https://www.amazon.com/Transcending-Post-infidelity-Stress-Disorder-PISD/dp/1587613344

I'm a big fan of The No Cry Sleep Solution. My son's dropping night wakings and sleeping for much longer stretches since I read it. He has hit a sleep regression during this time (thanks, crawling!) and after he mastered crawling, he went right back to his normal sleep. Last time he had a sleep regression before I read the book, his sleep was jacked up for over a month.

[Sex Stuff] The Manwhore Podcast; A Sex-Positive Quest for Love - Ep. 169: Laci Green Outrage, Child Porn, and Shame with Dr. David Ley

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Dr. David Ley wants you to be proud of your porn use! The Ethical Porn for Dicks author writes about how shame has hindered us from embracing our sexualities. Don’t let society tell you how to experience pleasure! David hopes to eliminate the stigma attached to porn and masturbation. ALSO: Feminists are furious with sex educator Laci Green. Find out why on this week’s Manwhore Podcast!

PLUS: child porn, Kenneth Play, sex addiction, disability, sex education, and the sandbagging Katie Couric!

Check out Kenneth Play at www.KennethPlay.com!

Catch up on the Laci Green controversy:

The Sad, Strange Case of Laci Green: Feminist Hero Turned Anti-Feminist Defender

Taking the Red Pill?

Caught between extremes

HOW MANY FREAKIN GENDERS

Dr. David Ley and Laci Green talk about shame

For some information on Taiwan’s Hand Angels, check out this Vice article.

Click here to read about a UK man granted government funds to visit a prostitute.

Check out Dr. David Ley on Twitter! @DrDavidLey

Buy Ethical Porn for Dicks, Insatiable Wives, and The Myth of Sex Addiction.

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We're using When We Became Three Journaling Book

It is adorable. It's not perfect. Some of the prompts and lists are a little silly or worded "for millennials," and as a heads up it is definitely gendered for families with male/female parents (some of the prompts are for "Dad" and "Mom").

• sexual chemistry - Fleeting honeymoon phase
  
• loyalty - Male quality, read women in love
  
• trust - You must be new here, a ring offers no trust, and you better have it before marrying
  
• family dynamics - not sure what this means
  
• financial dynamics - costs are dynamic, yes.
  
• parenting strategies - lead your fucking house
  
• religious affiliations - Church seems to loved divorced chicks, see Manosphere for more insight
  
  You're new here, read, lurk, then post

I cannot recommend the book, "His Needs, Her Needs" by Willard Harley enough... Incredible.. as I started reading it I was like WOW.. this is so accurate! Amazing.. .Its a book about the fundamental needs of men and women.. and its written with specifics and a frankness I have not seen elsewhere.. give it a try.. seriously.

https://www.amazon.com/His-Needs-Her-Building-Affair-Proof/dp/0800744233

I am sort of in your situation.. I've been married almost 20 years.. two kids, 17 and 15.... many people would consider me to be the "perfect husband" in that I provide for the family, i'm more or less a "super dad".. i'm fit, funny, intelligent.. treat my wife well..

over the years, though our marriage went to crap. It basically sounded like your's.. My wife became my 'business partner', really only initiating conversation to give me commands or to complain about something.. She had no desire for sex and told me so, directly.. she gained a ton of weight.

I wasn't perfect either.. I started a friendship with a girl half my age who used to be in my youth group that I lead.. she came back to our area after going away to college and asked me for some advice, etc.. we started texting and one thing lead to another and we had a mini affair.. I'll call it "mini" because we never slept together but we did kiss a few times, but mostly it was just conversation all day, every day via texting.. we just loved chatting with each other.. the very thing that my wife and I didn't share..That's the only "affair" I've ever had

anyway, my wife eventually found out about it.. things blew up.. We started going to a marriage counselor and I found that book by Harley... i wish I had found it 10 years ago... its truly an amazing book and could have saved us a TON of problems... It may be too late now for us.. .we'll see... but I would definitely recommend that book...

If you want to master these urges, it will take effort and self-discipline. The secular world will not be of much help in this area, unless you become a full-blown addict (you may already be addicted to masturbation and porn) and go into therapy.

I would recommend this book to you. It has a religious bent, but the overall message is great. If you are religious, great, the book will help. If you are not religious, it may help anyway.

http://www.amazon.com/Every-Mans-Battle-Winning-Temptation/dp/1578563682

I highly recommend this book
http://www.amazon.com/The-High-Conflict-Couple-Dialectical-Validation/dp/157224450X

It's meant for couples where there is some sort of mood disorder, or really any couple that find themselves in a cycle of small conflicts snowballing out of control.

It doesn't hurt to get the help of a professional. The problem is most people who need the help are pretty defensive when it comes to someone else wanting them to go. This is how I would approach it.

"The last fight we had got really heated. I notice that I get really defensive during our arguments, and I want to work on that. I love you and want to improve our communication. I want to be proactive about this and go to counseling before we are in crisis." Before you visit email the counselor, or frequently the counselor will ask a few questions about why you are coming in. Mention that you suspect there may be some mental health issues going on, and if the counselor sees any indicators of that, could she refer your wife for individual therapy or a psychiatric evaluation.

You need stronger motives. Your selfishness is way too strong. You have to live and strive for others, you have to figure out: What kind of life do I want my parents to have in their late 70s? What kind of opportunities do I want to give my future children? What kind of man do I need to become for my future wife, to give her all the desires of her heart and treat her like a princess? What kind of impact do I want to leave on my community? How can you help anyone else find a great job if you can't? How can you help someone have a passionate, fulfilled marriage if you can't have one? How can you help someone be filled with energy and vitality if you're eating cheetos and watching netflix?

I would like to refer you to these books to help you turn your life around: The Magic of Thinking Big,
University of Success

Develop a plan, watch this youtube video by Jim Rohn (mentored the greatest business leaders in todays world) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2BJkIEKofrc

Take your eyes off yourself, there is too much crap in this world and too many people hurting to not go out there and lend a hand.

Oog, three months ago and one comment. I hope you're still there!

Look into sperm competition theory, it's very interesting. It's surprisingly normal, but relatively untalked about, to have the idea of your spouse with another person be attractive. As for the cuckold fetish specifically, i know there is a subreddit for me but when i google all i find is porn, so uh, here!: https://www.reddit.com/r/explainlikeimfive/comments/1jvskp/eli5_what_do_people_get_out_of_being/

Also, way more helpful, here's a book: https://www.amazon.ca/Insatiable-Wives-Women-Stray-Love/dp/1442200316

And the thing with porn? I was off it for years because i took some ted talks as fact. Here is an article supporting a study that found basically, we know nothing, so, roll the dice and watch porn? Or don't? Whatever! https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/women-who-stray/201307/your-brain-porn-its-not-addictive

Also, you have a big dick. Get that in your head. Ideally, your confidence wouldn't revolve around it at all, but that's a hard thing for guys to get over, and basically you can take the easy way out because YOU HAVE A BIG DICK.

And thank you for saying

-Here is where things get more complicated. Recently I have come to terms that I am bisexual to w/e degree. I am 100% hetero-romantic. I could never love a man ever.

That never really occurred to me but that's how i am. When my wife gets home she's going to know me a little better, cause i've never really said that about my bisexuality. Thanks for those words.

As a footnote, you might want to look for a woman who is okay with an open relationship, as a bi guy that can be important, and it's more than possible. If you just replied with a single letter to let me know you read this it would make my day.

Cheers!

Buy this book: http://www.amazon.com/Fighting-Your-Marriage-Best-seller-Preventing/dp/0470485914/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1375484589&sr=8-1&keywords=fighting+for+your+marriage.

Read it. Do what it says.

Thank you for the feedback, and that is certainly one way to look at it. I hate her so much... thaaaaaat I just don't care anymore.

After being cheated on, losing everything (house, job, 401k, +forced adult adoption (alimony), psychological abuse, on and on)). Reading countless books on forgiveness and understanding that is for me and peace within...its kinda BS.

I've eaten more shit sandwiches (high road) than Jimmy John's could crank out in a year.

I have a great relationship with my kids.

The point is... the best advice I have ever received is to care less. this helped me a lot. I'm not ready to make nice.

TLDR: I don't care... and make sure you checkout: https://www.amazon.com/Say-Goodbye-Crazy-Restore-Sanity/dp/1514683814/ref=sr_1_7?ie=UTF8&qid=1479920289&sr=8-7&keywords=crazy+ex a lot of good tools here.

I've only been married for 16 months, but I can tell you some things that I consider to be absolutely essential reading:

Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas, which outlines how marriage is a tool of God's to bring the couple closer to God (since we usually think that being good Christians will somehow make us better spouses).

The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, which was a big eye opener for me that the way that I experience love is not the same as how my wife does. I probably would have already had some relatively serious marital problems if I hadn't read this.

And of course, the Bible, every single day.

My friend, that may be exactly why God hasn't led you to someone.

You know why I know this? Your description of why you want a relationship is nearly exactly what my husband's was. First, my husband's porn addiction nearly tore us apart. Then, as he was working through recovery, his passiveness in our marriage nearly broke us again. When we finally broke down the reasons why we got married his was as simple was, "I wanted a friend to share life with and someone to love that would always love me." Which sounds nice and Christian, right?

A relationship isn't about companionship or even the warm fuzzy feelings. Honestly, those are the bonuses. A Christian relationship is about sanctification and learning more about God. And it's really hard. This is a book I've waiting on to ship to me to read that maybe you should check out: http://smile.amazon.com/Sacred-Marriage-What-Designed-Happy/dp/0310242827/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1427478261&sr=8-2&keywords=marriage+is+for+holiness

I just finished reading the book The Magic of Thinking Big, and it talks a lot about this concept, especially with regards to believing something is possible. If you start off with an attitude that something is impossible, you put your mind at a disadvantage. If you can convince yourself that something is possible, your mind will start coming up with ways to make it happen.

I see this a lot in my daily work. If there is a task that's been bothering me, a lot of times if I give it a fresh look on a new day, with the attitude of "There is a way to figure this out and take care of it," before I know it, I've thought of a solution.

Today, I've been feeling bad, and not getting much done, and feeling bad about not getting much done, and I'm stuck in a cycle. I need a way to break out of the negativity cycle and get back to positive thinking in times like this!

Keyholders Handbook by Georgia Ivey Green

Would she be willing to read a book toghter?
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0310212006/ref=pd_aw_sbs_14_of_6?ie=UTF8&dpID=51W924JXrxL&dpSrc=sims&preST=_SL500_SR100%2C100_&psc=1&refRID=6EQ3KW28W0PXPX01AAHP

Not really a study, but this is an excellent pre-marital book to work through.