(Part 2) Best motivational books according to redditors
We found 4,883 Reddit comments discussing the best motivational books. We ranked the 1,034 resulting products by number of redditors who mentioned them. Here are the products ranked 21-40. You can also go back to the previous section.
First thing's first man. Take a step back and chill.
Alright, we cool? We cool!
Don't knock your guitar. You're angry and frustrated with a slump right now, and since your guitar is all you've got you feel like you should have more. While more gear would be cool, I'm sure you have a connection with that guitar. Treat your instrument with respect and love! It sounds ridiculous, but I thank my instruments before I play them now; not everyone can have even that acoustic guitar, nevertheless the ability to pick it up and make good sounds with it.
Nothing to show for 6 years? I'll call bullshit on that. So what, you don't have a mind blowing EP, or recordings of your music you dream about everynight. So easy to look at what you don't have..Instead, start spending time at what you DO have. From this post, it sounds like you have a guitar that isn't broken, a space to play it, and a desire to become a better musician. If I'm correct, you've had these things for the past 6 years; and I'm willing to bet that you didn't sound nearly as good 6 years ago as you can sound today. What you have sir, is experience. You're still here, and you're still interested in becoming better. You're on the right path.
> I want to be a musician. I want to play open mics and shows. I want to make something. I want to feel confident in what I do. I want to know that i'm not wasting my time, but everything points to the fact that I am.
Alright, that doesn't sound unreasonable to me; nor should it to you. You've got everything you need to make this happen man..so...MAKE IT HAPPEN! ;) Put those extra hours into work, save that cash up for a nice DAW to record with. Find someone who can record you or hook you up with gear. Find someone to jam with that's better than you, befriend them. Wake up everyday and make damn sure you tell yourself that you ARE a musician, and that you WILL find the success you are searching for. Make the efforts to practice more, find the things you suck at and figure out WHY you do and HOW you can make them better. Thinking is one thing man, but I'm saying it's time to Physically make yourself do these things. But most important of all, make sure you are telling yourself that you CAN do it, everyday you wake up.
I took the time to type this out, because I'm in a similar position. For the few past years, I've felt that I "wasted" time and that I didn't have any skill or worth; that being a musician meant some glorious beam of light had to bestow upon me and grant me the power. Talent (to an extent) is overrated man! It's skill and practice (and creativity/talent, but we all posses that). I saw myself where you are claiming to be right now, but I started realizing how much potential I was sitting on top of. How much I had to be grateful for.
Here's two resources that have helped me into a journey of positive behavior and a cut-throat attitude with my goals.
Read This. Yes it costs money. Buy it, and read it. Find a way to download it. Just do yourself a solid, and read it somehow.
Listen to this guy talk. If you're practicing, doing homework, browsing, going to bed; Listen to this playlist on shuffle and take it all to heart. It might sound corny at first if you're in a depressive state. But give the guy a chance and I promise you'll learn something new about yourself.
That's all I got man. Know you aren't alone, and that you're everything you make yourself out to be. You can do it, but it won't be easy. So make it happen!
Best wishes.
Excellent reply. In the last round of discussing procrastination somebody posted a link to the book Procrastination: Why You Do It, What to Do About It Now in which two psychologists explain what was learned in the 25+ years they've been working on that subject.
The first part analyzes all the possible reasons for procrastination. If you suffer from procrastination, you'll often find yourself described in the many scenarios that are given and causes that are portrayed.
I'm one 3rd into the book and I feel like my eyes have been opened. I have read other books on the topic without much long-term success. What was missing was the meticulous analyzation of the reasons WHY we procrastinate - other books only scratch the surface, if even that.
Figuring out my personal reasons for procrasting alone already helped me get stuff done, yet I'm looking forward to learn even more from the rest of the book.
To give an example: I wanted to learn how to use a physics library of which the documentation seemed lacking (and does in fact lack because of a rewrite). I avoided doing that like a plague, even though it was really important to me. What I figured out by reading the book was that I had low confidence in succeeding which kept me from even trying.
Upon further analyzation I came to the conclusion that that low confidence in succeeding wasn't justified and in fact I learned how to use the library by playing around with the demos and changing them a bit here and there. But BOY did I avoid that task and beat myself up about it before I started reading the book.
Another problem is that if you avoided a task because of some worry you can later on forget the original reason and your subconciscousness simply reacts with "fear" for no reason. It is explained that it takes one such impulse to create a lasting repulsion. They give an example of a patient which lost memory. Every morning she couldn't remember the very same doctor to whom she spoke the day before. One day the doctor decided to try something new and put a pin in his hand. When they shook hands she was pinched, obviously. The next day she still didn't remember the doctor but she refused to shake hands, even though she couldn't explain why.
So, morale of the story: the subconscious can get in the way for no reason. But that's just one example.
The book has a lot more to offer. I'd say it's pure gold, thus highly recommended.
Hope that helps somebody :-)
This is going to get buried under the shitload of answers you are getting, but I hope you see this, or that it'll at least help someone else.
I've had this problem for a few months now : even hanging out with friends, I was losing the capacity of having a conversation. I started talking more and more about me, and the more I talked, the more I felt like a douche. So I took steps.
First, I started asking more questions about the stories people were telling, refraining myself to tell my side of the story, my view of the story, or just my story ('cause this behavior sucks ass). For a while, it was getting better, but it didn't feel natural.
After an evening at a friend's place, where we had a closeup magician doing a show, I realized that it was not only about what I was saying, it was about what I was thinking that made me feel like a douche. This guy, this magician, was so charming, so fucking captivating. It was my first time experiencing closeup magic, and I was just sold. After the show, I went and asked him how he was doing it. Not the magic tricks, but the social tricks. He told me that he read lots of books, and that basically, he was convincing himself before each show, to be who he needed to be. He was acting, he was playing a fucking nice guy who didn't give two shits about himself but only cared about others. And it caught on, became more natural. He mastered this skill, and went from doing magic shows all around the world (even Vegas) to giving conferences to leaders on how to be better managers.
After reading some of those books, and doing a bit of research, I understood what he was saying : Fake it until you make it. I actually discovered through some TED talks (amazing stuff) that you can fake it until you become it.
From my point of view, there's a couple of skills to master to become a good conversationalist. Body language is very important : to understand the body language of others to better adapt yours and be seen as non-threatening. You have to understand the science of influence, and how humans react to interactions with others. And to become a master at it : you have to be sincere. You can't fake honesty 100%. Somewhere along the way, your body language will screw you, or you'll slip and people will understand that you are faking it. That is why you have to become a character who doesn't fake it.
Here is the list of the books and videos I read/watched about those skills. Some where recommended on Reddit, others I just found them. The books are sorted by most important in my opinion. And even if I bought them (thrift or not), you can still find all of them online.
Hope it helps.
link with more freedom
I want to take the opportunity to recommend this book from Wooten, change my perspective on music https://www.amazon.com/Music-Lesson-Spiritual-Search-Through/dp/0425220931
Not affiliated with this or have anything to do with this - but it is a fucking mind changer. If you can smoke after reading that book, you are inhuman. The book even dares you to keep smoking while you read it.
1) Rise Early
The same time, every day.
It's very difficult to make oneself get up earlier than one has to. It feels good when you do it!
What to do with that time? Exercise is good. If nothing else, I'll sneak out of bed and do simple bodyweight exercises. The Miracle Morning is a small book with some really good ideas on how to spend the morning as well.
This guy posts a picture of his watch at 4:30 every morning before his daily workout. What are you doing at 4:30?
Full disclosure: I caught a monster infection this week, so I justifiably fell off the wagon hard. I slept in today. Ready to get back on it.
2) Cold Showers
These are awesome.
The social sciences show otherwise. For instance, it's one of the reasons why television shows employ laugh tracks (Cialdini, 2008).
The Procrastination Puzzle
Hello love,
I am so proud of you for finding your way with so much is stacked against you. You won't be a minor forever, and it will get better. 14-18 is, given average life expectancy, less than 5% of your life. The large majority of your life is ahead of you :)
Work backwards to create the behaviors you want:
Your environment is stifling. It can feel like a trap because you "can't" do anything about it. But you can do anything. You just need to understand and weigh the objective consequences against the cost of continuing to allow your environment to stifle you:
I'm rooting for you, angel
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0399168125?*Version*=1&*entries*=0
The behavior you describe in your father sounds so much like the flipping between your Dad's authentic identity back into his cult/mormon identity.
You may have already heard of this, but Steve Hassan talks about the dual identity concept in this video, and gets into it in great detail in his book Combating Cult Mind Control.
Your Dad's indoctrinated phobias of falling from the church was probably triggered by his brief moment of clarity.
It's frustrating, but seeing your father's real personality come out is a really good sign. If you're inclined, check out Steve's books (Freedom of Mind is another fantastic resource) or his website https://freedomofmind.com/
Best of luck!
Humans have a cognitive need for [closure](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Closure_(psychology); we strive to lessen ambiguity and "fill-in the blank" whenever we have the opportunity to do so.
The reason songs get stuck in our head is because a catchy bit or chorus gets played back in our mind over and over, while the rest of the song is neglected. While we may enjoy hearing that one part, our brain is desperately trying to solve the puzzle and complete the rest of the song. This is why if you have an earworm, you should listen to the entire song and chances are good you'll rid yourself of the endless loop.
This phenomena was explained in a fantastic book about willpower by social psychologists Baumeister and Tierney. I highly recommend picking up this book (link to Amazon), especially if you're attempting to make major changes in your life (losing weight, quitting smoking, etc.). It's not a self-help book as the authors aren't selling you their magical plan, just offering you years and years of data that shows how you approach your diet is wrong :)
EDIT: Just to clarify, there are many theories on why earworms exist, but the data that was presented in the willpower book had the most validity. Here's a link to some other theories and subsequent research so you can decide for yourself.
Even when my house is dirty it looks clean, and it's all because of organization (and a touch of anxiety lol). Every single thing in my house has a place, and when I get something new I immediately find a place for it. This way my house always look straightened and neat.
This book helped me, and continues helping me a lot: The life changing magic of tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing.
I used Rational Recovery (RR). It's not meeting focused (in fact, it discourages group AA style meetings) but there are groups and I did go to one several times.
RR uses a form of Albert Ellis' rational-emotive behavioral therapy (REBT). It does emphasize the "never drink again" philosophy, but after a few years without touching a drink, I now drink normally or less than normally. Whenever I want, which is hardly ever.
RR might be kind of outdated now, though, I'm not sure. If I were looking today I'd check out that SMART Recovery the other person linked, and definitely a therapist's or physician's (or both) help.
Oh, I used RR with something else. It's going to seem really...unscientific. I also used 7 Weeks to Sobriety, which is a plan to help support your body nutritionally while it recovers from the alcohol. It relies heavily on supplements. While the science might not be rigorous, I found that the supplementation helped greatly, and that I felt a lot better than I had on previous attempts. Lesser withdrawals, better physical state overall.
I apologize, because that's probably not a great skeptical book. I used it because it cited a lot of research (I think; it was a while ago) but I would think if it were that proven it would have taken off as a primary axis of addiction treatment, you know?
Have you read Allen Carr's book yet? It will help you realize that smoking does nothing to help your stress, and actually makes it worse. All of the "stop smoking aids" in the world won't do anything for you as long as you think there is something to be gained by having a cigarette. Once you realize there is nothing to gain from smoking it gets a lot easier.
I don't see why you can't do both. I mean, panning a palette is about the marathon, not the sprint. Why not use it for, say, a few months, then take a month break, then go back? Or use it 4 nights a week and whatever you want the others?
I mean, you're supposed to enjoy using your makeup, and it doesn't have to be one or the other. Even if you only pan 8 months out of the year for pan that palette, you're still panning, and that's great.
I'm more concerned about the hoarding aspect. It's really easy to keep putting stuff away and use it later, but eventually,y our stuff WILL go bad. It takes awhile with dry eyeshadows, but it does happen, and you're not going to be happy when something you saved for a rainy day finally kicks it.
Panning in general is meant to love your stuff and give it the attention it deserves, and the love of using it up and thanking it for its time. You might find the KonMari method book interesting on that topic and on the topic of getting rid of clutter permanently through a mind shift.
One that is very popular is Solving the Procrastination Puzzle
I bought it a year or two ago, and true to my habits I haven't gotten around to reading it yet.
If you plan not to touch sugar due to addiction, you might like this book: https://www.amazon.com/Rational-Recovery-Cure-Substance-Addiction/dp/0671528580/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1549636238&sr=1-1&keywords=rational+recovery
It's targeted towards alcoholics, but I have found it amazing to instantaneously flip my mind around food. Saying 'no' becomes easy when you have these strategies in mind. (Sounds weird, but it's very true.)
​
Live long and prosper! You do you!!
My grand epiphany occurred reading Rational Recovery: The New Cure for Substance Addiction.
Until that book, I never really knew why I seemingly couldn't control or stop my alcohol consumption.
The basics are alcohol is not what you crave. It is the vehicle used to deliver the high you seek. It could very well be any substance, any drug that is used, but what is important is the high.
Take you and me, we've trained our brain to need this junk. Our brains were never suited to be in such a hyper-pleasurable state. For us, there's something that I guess gets turned on to where we start seeking the high out more and more and more and we then find ourselves addicted to whatever it may be.
That part of our brains wants that pleasure, needs it, and will stop at nothing to feel it. It doesn't care if it kills the body it's in. As long as the hyper-pleasurable state can be gotten everything is roses.
The book calls this THE BEAST.
So, it is you - the person that knows alcohol is poison and wants to stop - vs. THE BEAST.
The separation is important. You are not that desire. It is separate from you and you can control it. You are in control. This is something we forgot when we let alcohol take over our lives.
So, ok, say you tell yourself you are quitting. Fine, that part of your brain says. It can wait. It knows no concept of time. All it knows is that someday you will drink again and it will lay in wait for however long it takes.
During this time away though, it comes after you with thoughts and feelings and cravings. It whispers to you just how worthless and weak you are and you should just stop this foolish sobriety thing and go back to being the loser you know you are.
Yep, it doesn't fight fair.
See:
>and EVERY CELL in my body says "go to the bar (or liquor store) and CELEBRATE, you DESERVE (reward) it!!! Let's have some FUN!!
This is THE BEAST in all its glory.
You want to make it scared? Feel it's fear? Tell yourself that you will never drink again, ever. Pay attention to the feelings that brings to you. You feel that fight or flight response kicking in? Breathing kicks up, maybe you feel a knot in your throat. Something in you is screaming NOOOOOO! DON'T DO THAT!
You have brought THE BEAST out and shined a light on it. It really hates being known. It would rather hide behind your eyes whispering just the right things to get you to succumb again and drink. Pull it out in the sunlight it cowers.
So what can you do? This is the hard part. You have to tell it no. You have to stand up to it and tell it that you will not succumb no matter how hard it comes after you. This starts one day at a time. Or even one hour at a time. It means getting into some kind of treatment that works for you and working it openly and honestly. You have to do this for you. Doing it for anything else just won't work. This is all about you getting clean and sober, others need not apply.
Next on the agenda is to restructure your thinking about alcohol in general. Alcohol was my buddy and was always there for me when I needed to celebrate, relax, when I was angry, sad, whatever it was I could always work alcohol in. It always had a place at my table.
You have to change that 180 degrees. You need to start thinking about alcohol for what it is, poison. You can dress it up as fancy as you like, but when all is said and done it's a substance you shouldn't allow in your body at all. There are no positive effects, there are no benefits to this junk.
You have to hate it and I mean detest it so much that the thought of it or you drinking it turns your stomach. It's not your friend and never was. It is a life waster. It is a life taker. What have you gotten from your drinking? What good has come from it? When I answer that, I only have one word.
Nothing.
So none of this is easy, but you can do it. I did it and am doing it and I am nothing special. I am just like you and the rest of the people of the world, just trying to make it through and do the best I can with what I have. It's rough and tough. There's no doubt about that. The only thing alcohol does is make what's already rough and tough rougher and tougher. It doesn't solve anything. It's a lie.
There's got to be something else you do that brings you joy and happiness. Instead of ruining your holiday with alcohol, try doing that whatever it is. Or maybe you can think of something that you don't have time for now because of drinking that you enjoyed before. Whatever hobby that is pick it up and do it again. For me, I rediscovered my love of chess and playing the guitar. Maybe you can fix a favorite food or dessert. Anything is better than picking up another container of alcohol.
Promise yourself, just for the remainder of this day you will not drink. Tomorrow when you wake up promise yourself that today, that 24-hours, you will not drink.
Give yourself the best gift you can this holiday. Choose to be sober.
Merry Happy Christmas Holidays!
The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up is most people's first choice when someone needs to get started. It's a recipe to change your philosophy on clutter. Some people swear by it, some don't like it at all. Just a good jumping off point.
According to Willpower:Rediscovering the Greatest Human Strength it is. I read the book a few months ago. I'm a little fuzzy on the details but from what I remember it said some of the following interesting points on willpower
Over all if you have an interest in willpower at all I recommend the book. However don't expect any magic tricks from it that give you unlimited willpower, this list covers what I thought was most useful.
I was younger than almost my entire team, only had 2 others younger than me of a 7 person team. It can be a bit challenging but the key thing to remember is that you were hired for your skills to be a people manager and they are the professionals in their skills.
There was probably someone on that team wanted your job. I tend to acknowledge their desire for leadership positions and ask them if that is what they still want in their career. If so then we make a plan to help make them more marketable for the next role or as my "heir-apparent" when the time comes.
Be humble and let their expertise and opinions be a welcome thing. It is paramount to hear their advice and more importantly to hear why things are done the way they are. People (typically) don't do things without a good reason. Respect that.
Couple other random bits and pieces I recommend to new managers:
This is what I try to do when taking over a new team.
Things I strive for as part of my team as their manager:
A few books I would recommend in no particular order:
The single best book (or audiobook) I recommend every beginner about minimalism is "Goodbye, Things". The writing is simple and direct. It's full of interesting insights and advice.
After that, read "The Life-Changing Manga of Tidying Up" by Marie Kondo. Why not the main book? Because the manga (comic book) is easier and more entertaining to digest and goes over her main ideas just fine. While Marie Kondo isn't a minimalist, her methods complement it immensely.
And for the love of God, avoid "The Minimalists" or anything by them. Absolutely preachy, pretentious, surface level garbage.
>(Not sure why so underrated)
It's because this kind of advice has been given before. To be successful you have to accept that you're not the most important person in the world. You're not a special snowflake with special problems. Everyone has an area of life that they wish they were better at. Accept that you may be lacking, but understand that you can improve and seek to do so in a humble way. This is how you keep your ego in check.
If you want a deeper look into it give Ryan Holiday's book a read. Ego is The Enemy It's amazing.
His other book, "The Obstacle is The Way" is also an amazing piece of my collection and will show you that the world is filled with challenges and it's a great thing.
It's not women's history but I read I thought it was just me; but it isn't last week and I loved it. The author explores shame and its role in the socialization of women. The incredibly high, contrary ever shifting standards this society expects of women leads to judgment and alienation among ourselves and compassion for ourselves and others is the only way to escape it.
I internalize shame so easily, and I constantly feel like I will never be good enough, or worth anything; so I don't try. I gravitate to people who make me feel worthless and try to make them love me because I am not enough. Shame is a constant negative feedback loop for me and the worst part was I was always told it was something I "shouldn't" feel. That is basically a way of deflecting blame-- from the shamer on to the person she is shaming. The shamer doesn't have to feel bad, because the person being shamed deserved it. Telling someone they "shouldn't" feel hurt is a great way to get away with hurting that person over and over again when they believe you. This book actually gave me PERMISSION (who knew I needed it) to call the way I was raised harmful. I've always recognized that shame and judgment are negative, evil things I don't like to do to others, but I had no defense for when people did it to me. Now I feel like I can finally get better at it.
I'm really glad I read it and it's really great for talking about the harmful effects of female socialization.
http://www.amazon.com/Life-Changing-Magic-Tidying-effective-clutter-ebook/dp/B00KK0PICK/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1422221071&sr=8-1&keywords=konmari
She tells many stories of clients and how she works in her book. Also, you might learn some useful things! ;D
The Morning Miracle might be an interesting read for you
I typically can't work after a long day either, which made me quickly realize I have to get used to working in the morning. I've actually been going to sleep earlier so I can wake up fresh in the morning. Lately I've been studying the first hour to improve in algorithms/data structures and then I get some work in afterwards. Even when I'm not working I think about the game non stop recently.
Idle games are honestly my absolute favorite and I really want the genre to push forward. It seems like we havent really progressed at all in the past 2 years and CH2 doesn't seem like it will do it for me either, so all this motivates me to push even harder.
Note: This was also discussed Cialdini's "Influence" book: http://www.amazon.com/Influence-Practice-Robert-B-Cialdini/dp/0205609996/
Worth a read too!
There is a laundry list of things in music besides chords also which are taught in a music course. Articulation, dynamics, rhythm, tone, phrasing, and rest are all examples of things I rarely hear talked about outside of the musician community, but is just as important as the notes you play. I would recommend a book written by a highly accomplished musician named Victor Wooten. You don't need any prior musician skill at all to understand what he writes, you just need to like music (and who doesnt?). In the book, he talks in depth about many different aspects of music that people don't take into account, even many budding musicians.
Hmm... this is tricky.
The rule is: Never, ever date a JW, and never date an ex-JW unless they can say with confidence that they will never go back.
If she is still mentally attached to the cult, you (and she) are in for a world of pain.
You should read this book, and soon:
http://www.amazon.com/Freedom-Mind-Helping-Controlling-Beliefs/dp/0967068819/
I personally found The Power of Now as a great means to achieve "enlightenment." It really allowed me to use that little voice in my head, literally as a tool, and not as something that was part of my identity. So being able to switch that voice off, and concentrate on being aware of my surroundings and environment, was a really relaxing and refreshing experience that I can recreate on the bus, or walking down the street, or sitting on a bench.
Personally prefer listening to the audio version right when I'm about to go to bed, since the sounds are a meditative means on their own.
I love in a studio apartment so when I make the bed it at least looks like I got half my shit together. ;p It's the little things....
There's a new book that's all the rage right now and a few of my friends have tried it. Might be worth a peruse though to me it looks like next level organising. BUT I will say when my place (mostly) in order it helps me mentally also. I don't have all my shit together, but it's decent.
Also, give yourself credit! Recognizing the need for this change is the first step. This reminds me of a great line in one of my favorite books (Swan Song by Robert McCammon): "One step at a time, she told herself. One step and then the next gets you where you’re going". You'll get there. :)
I kinda figured that using the word spiritual might give people the wrong idea. It's difficult to explain, but Erudecorp does a decent job with his first paragraph.
My sense of joy isn't rooted in some belief in experiencing or believing "something else" it's about experiencing reality in its entirety and without any sort of barriers. The Power of Now uses a lot of language that I think would turn off most atheists, but it's also played a large role in my moving away from belief in god.
Relevant passage from Robert Cialdini's Influence: Science and Practice:
>It is easy to fault the tourists for their foolish purchase decisions, but a close look offers a kinder view. These were people who had been brought up on the rule, "You get what you pay for" and who had seen that rule borne out over and over in their lives. Before long, they had translated the rule to mean expensive = good. The expensive = good stereotype had worked quite well for them in the past, since normally the price of an item increases along with its worth; a higher price typically reflects higher quality. So when they found themselves in the position of wanting good turquoise jewelry but not having much knowledge of turquoise, they understandably relied on the old standby feature of cost to determine the jewelry's merits (Rao ~ Monroe, 1989).
>Although they probably did not realize it, by reacting solely to the price of the turquoise, they were playing a shortcut version of betting the odds. Instead of stacking all the odds in their favor by trying painstakingly to master each feature that indicates the worth of turquoise jewelry, they were counting on just one-the one they knew to be usually associated with the quality of any item. They were betting that price alone would tell them all they needed to know. This time, because someone mistook a '''/,'' for a "2," they bet wrong. In the long run, over all the past and future situations of their lives, betting those shortcut odds may represent the most rational approach possible.
>In marketing lore, the classic case of this phenomenon is that of Chivas Regal Scotch Whiskey, which had been a struggling brand until its managers decided to raise its price to a level far above its competitors. Sales skyrocketed, even though nothing was changed in the product itself (Aaker, 1991). A recent brain-scan study helps explain why. When tasting the same wine, participants not only rated themselves as experiencing more pleasure if they thought it cost $45 versus $5, their brain centers associated with pleasure became more activated by the experience as well (Plassmann et al., 2008).
I think, your past failures are not in your control. So, they are not bad nor good. You can only practice virtues and vices in the here and now. "That is my past, not me in this moment."
I think the journaling has only a limited effect, because we need to see that specific moment in an other aspect than our vice-blurred-vision. I think a very short, concise "error-log", or "debugger's journal" at the end of the day can help. With points like this:
And after awakening you can read these practical experiences during your morning meditation.
You can use self-help CBT books to correct your behavior. Just remember, only the wise person/Sage is truly in control of his behavior. I think most of vices are in our lives in the form of bad habits, and not because we are evil or intrinsically bad persons. I have many bad habits / vices and not because I am bad. I am working on them for years, because they are "habits". Stoicism is about reclaiming out brain. And in this century we know so much more about our brain, and our unconscious behaviour, than our ancient ancestors. I think Don. Robertson's book has a very good aspect about the modern day's applied philosophy (he is an experienced therapist.)
http://www.amazon.com/Stoicism-Art-Happiness-Teach-Yourself/dp/1444187104
Btw.: I know very well this kind of self-judgement. This is the main ingredient of the laziness which has a fancier name: procrastination. It is my life-long vice too. Even my first readings of the Stoics was some sort of procrastination, but they are always sending me back to my study with harsh words :D :D
But I think it is a far more specific problem which has a very good literature:
http://waitbutwhy.com/2013/10/why-procrastinators-procrastinate.html
http://www.amazon.ca/Solving-Procrastination-Puzzle-Concise-Strategies/dp/0399168125
(edit. a couple addition...)
[But it is!](The Life-Changing Manga of Tidying Up: A Magical Story https://www.amazon.com/dp/0399580530/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_OI5KzbA5TYY0T) XD
https://www.amazon.com/Life-Changing-Manga-Tidying-Up-Magical/dp/0399580530
Really!
Keep on keeping on! I am coming up on six months sober.
The thing that helped me the most was this book. It really helped me get my mind around the problem and finally work towards being free from alcohol.
I am grateful, too, for the struggle.
Fuck you, Frank.
Seriously, Luntz's book, Words That Work, is pure cynicism and pretends to be non-partisan when he very neatly cherry-picks to excuse Republicans and vilify Democrats. If you want a better book on this topic, try Chip and Dan Heath's Made to Stick.
Chronic procrastination is a tough flaw to live with, please ignore all the trite responses in this thread like "get off reddit." The best resource I've found about procrastination is this book: Procrastination: Why You Do It, What to Do About It Now. The authors have studied procrastination more than anyone you know and have distilled their knowledge down to some great insights and advice. Buy it and read it.
It's tough to change yourself, but you can do it. Good luck!
I disagree, you're trying to use too much logic. Most people don't know the differences. "American Taliban" packs a much more emotional punch, is much more memorable, and gets to the gist of what the message is.
There is a very good book called "[Made to Stick] (https://www.amazon.com/Made-Stick-Ideas-Survive-Others/dp/1400064287)" which lays out the fundamentals to presenting ideas that spread wide and far.
"American Taliban" is far and away the best term to use.
Here's a quote from the book that compeltely transformed my experience of the process of TMI and allowed meditation to become much more enjoyable and progress to really happen.
"“To succeed, we need to approach the practice in a relaxed manner, free from judgement and expectations. Although we may start out this way, we can quickly slip into a critical, striving attitude when faced with problems such as mind wandering, sleepiness, and impatience. This attitude becomes the greatest impediment to our progress. When words like 'struggle' or 'difficult' come to mind, or if you feel like you're 'trying really hard, but not making any progress', you'll know it's time to examine your attitude.
Meditation is a series of simple tasks, easy to perform, that only need to be repeated until they bear fruit. So where is the sense of difficulty and exertion coming from? We usually describe a task as difficult because we're dissatisfied with our performance, which means we've started judging. Your expectations haven't been met, and maybe your starting to doubt whether you'll ever succeed, which can sap your motivation. You're not actually struggling with meditating, you're struggling with unrealistic expectations and an idealized image of what you think 'should' be happening... You can blame the teacher, the method, or concoct a story about how meditation isn't right for you. The real issue isn't that meditation takes too much effort, or that something is innately wrong with you, it's your judgement and expectations."
I hope this helps you too. I really think you need to let go. There's also a highly recommended book on that subject; perhaps it may be of use to you. Letting Go by David Hawkins : https://www.amazon.ca/Letting-David-Hawkins-M-D-Ph-D/dp/1401945015/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=letting+go&qid=1564334160&s=gateway&sr=8-1
Seriously Chris I love you, but get this book: https://www.amazon.ca/Ego-Enemy-Ryan-Holiday/dp/1591847818
Amazon.com links provided:
1 The Slight Edge
2 Mastery
3 The 4-Hour Workweek
4 The Art of Power
5 Thinking, Fast, and Slow
6 The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People
7 The Power of Now
8 The Power of Habit
9 Whatcha Gonna Do with That Duck?
10 The 48 Laws of Power
11 Your True Home
12 Ego Is the Enemy
13 The 4 Hour Body
14 The UltraMind Solution
15 The Dip
Search Inside Yourself: The Unexpected Path to Achieving Success, Happiness (and World Peace) by Chade-Meng Tan. This was a great book on the importance of mindfulness and emotional intelligence.
The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing by Marie Kondo. Helped me get on the path to decluttering my life.
No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover helped me to stop seeking approval from others and insuring my own needs are met.
Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion by Robert B. Cialdini. A good introduction to social psychology.
These are just a few I've read in the past few years that have helped me. Good luck!
I got you covered dude. My company lives for this and provides books on the regular, but the ones below are pretty much the industry standard, and top companies all over the world recommend that every one read these. I have to admit, they've helped me:
Those are the quick ones I can think of. If I come up with more I'll add them to the list. Also, welcome to the corporate world - good luck in your career!
Edit: Holy shit, gold? This is my first time receiving so thank you for being gentle!
I am not an expert, and neither I have much experience of dealing with situations like this. I am here just to tell you that I follow one philosophy in my life and it has helped me a lot :
"Whether You Think You Can, or Think You Can't ... You're Right" - Henry Ford.
It's all about what you believe. Rest talking about self confidence, confidence comes from the character, you will have to work on yourself, you'll have to sharpen the saw. For this I would like to recommend a book : 7 habits of highly effective people. I believe author's idea thatfirst 3 habits build character is absolute truth and it helped me. Maybe it'll help you too. Audio book/ presentation.
Just believe in yourself for once and watch the changes it brings in your life.
I know what you read.
Sorry- that day got quite out of hand. (Not) incidentally, I have moderate-severe ADHD, with all the attendant issues with focus and follow-up. Though I don't have A.S., my husband does, so I've got a multi-faceted perspective on this issue.
I am learning to overcome the ADHD with a system I've designed for myself, from a few different things:
I recommend looking into whether any of the above could help with the challenges you're facing. My husband now swears by the Pomodoro technique; it helps him get started on larger projects, and also stops him every 25 minutes, so he's never hyperfocusing so long that he forgets to eat/sleep, etc.
Speaking of body maintenance, the most important thing you can do for your overall well-being is exercise. Strength training is preferable, supplemented by cardio, but no matter what you're thinking right now, check out this book. Sticking to a regular weightlifting routine has improved my productivity far more than anything else ever did (even my Adderall prescription). When you feel physically better, far more things are possible. For further reference, check out these books, too.
Tl,dr; Learn to manage your time & energy; you'll be better equipped to improve your own focus and follow-up. Meanwhile, your former therapist has no excuse.
It's good you are trying to do things as an individual, and should continue. However, it's really like taking a drop of water from the ocean. Pretty much unnoticeable. But it's still important so don't stop. At the very least you become a role model and your activities will create conversation with others.
https://actionnetwork.org/forms/join-the-xr-youth-network/
https://www.sunrisemovement.org/
https://www.fridaysforfuture.org/
https://citizensclimatelobby.org/
https://www.amazon.com/Influence-Psychology-Persuasion-Business-Essentials-ebook/dp/B002BD2UUC
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=LMb65w9nLyo
Thanks for the recommendation. Three non-fiction books that I like that might appeal to others who enjoy HPMOR:
Influence, Robert Cialdini. This is like a handbook of ways that people may try to short circuit your rational thinking. And it is written well enough for casual reading, not totally textbook style. Favorite quotes:
wikipedia amazon
Rising Up and Rising Down: Some Thoughts on Violence, Freedom, and Urgent Means, William Vollmann. The title pretty much explains it. Quote:
"I am convinced that I'm alive today because I traveled with firearms -- and that this fact was generally known." "
I enjoyed this book more for the "true facts" aspect of historical accounts of the use of violence than the attempt to create a moral calculus. I only have the abridged version.
wikipedia amazon
Bargaining For Advantage, G. Richard Shell. This is a straightforward pretty short (~250 page) book about bargaining/negotiation. It is about identifying the situation you are in, evaluating the other parties, evaluating your own tendencies (and if it might be better to delegate), and conducting the business. amazon
If you go to Amazon and sort prices by low to high, searching for "minimalism", there's usually 1 or 2 books that are free. "The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up" really is the best book I've ever read on the subject. It's got the powerful ideas of organizing by category, choosing what to keep instead of what to discard, as well as the key concept of "sparks joy" which distinguishes it from most of the decluttering books that came before. The Manga version is a pretty good cliff notes version of it in comic book form. I'm quite fond of "Thrift" written by Samuel Smiles, which was written in 1875, as well as "How to Live on 24 hours a Day" by Arnold Bennett, written in 1908. Both are in the public domain, and you can find them free on Amazon or Google Play.
https://www.amazon.com/Life-Changing-Magic-Tidying-Decluttering-Organizing-ebook/dp/B00KK0PICK/
https://www.amazon.com/Life-Changing-Manga-Tidying-Up-Magical-ebook/dp/B01N6W2W5M/
https://www.amazon.com/Thrift-Samuel-Smiles-ebook/dp/B01C9FDRYO/
https://www.amazon.com/How-Live-24-Hours-Day-ebook/dp/B0084AHN6C/
I quite enjoy the "Messy Minimalist" on Youtube, who's so far in the middle of a six month journey to declutter her hoard that she's gathered as the owner of an Inn and large garden, is really handy with tools, doing the Walden thing by moving from Manhattan to the country, and occasionally talks about things like her former World of Warcraft addiction.
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLf84Fp1X-CpcXQ-8rw2xRmE3_QC5T1O7H
Getting enjoyment out of life is relatively new to me, as someone with a lot of mental health issues, and other things besides that don't really need explaining for these purposes.
Besides therapy (and like, a lot of it), the biggest things that are working for me in terms of actually making me happy are
Though I wouldn't list this specifically as something that helps me get enjoyment out of life, you seem to be struggling with the amount of chores you have, so: I've also done a lot of work around figuring out how to make a lot of chore-type things in my life more efficient. Even though I don't agree with *everything* she says, Marie Kondo's Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up can help you figure out how to permanently de-clutter, which helps with cutting down on chores. Actually sitting down with a pencil and paper and thinking about how you could chores at certain times or in a certain order to maximize efficiency, then making a schedule or changing your habits might help. Also, picking up after yourself as you're living your life and encouraging your husband to do the same will help, if you don't do that already. It's hard to have concrete suggestions without knowing way too many details about your day-to-day life, but I'm confident if you sit down and think about what you need to do and how often, and maybe even google things like "how to make laundry more efficient", you can find at least one or two things that could get you a little more time.
Seriously everyone - take a look at this book:
https://www.amazon.com/Freedom-Mind-Helping-Controlling-Beliefs/dp/0967068819
It might be shocking to you that a "cult" book would help - but as the author describes what he calls "destructive groups" can be as small as an abusive romantic relationship between 2 people - to a full blown shaved heads, toga wearing cult.
If you look on youtube - his name is Steven Hassan - he has some videos that talk about this stuff too. Might be helpful to you all to understand how someone could get sucked into Trumpland and how to get them out.
Common question. The short answer is: it’s different for everyone. Direct, or overt attempts to wake people up can have mixed results sometimes making matters worse.
Check out Steven Hassan’s book on this very topic, he has more experience than almost any of us.
https://www.amazon.com/Freedom-Mind-Helping-Controlling-Beliefs/dp/0967068819/ref=nodl_
No experience running a business at all. My background is in accounting and finance and I've worked mostly in the financial services industry doing back-office and middle office work.
Reading that really helped me:
Made to Stick. http://www.amazon.com/Made-Stick-Ideas-Survive-Others/dp/1400064287
This helped me to have a more straightfoward and fun communication style that works online.
So instead of
"our cleaning company thrives to provide great service and we go the extra mile to make the client happy"
I'd say
"You'll be happy with your cleaning. If not, we re-clean AND give you your money back"
Both are valid statements, but one of them is more straightforward, speaks directly to the client, gives actionable guarantees, and is delivered in a non corporate-bullshit way.
The book also helped with simple concepts like "When people buy a hammer and a nail" they're not looking to buy a hole in the wall, they're buying a way to hang their family pictures. Huge difference when it comes to communicating with someone looking to buy.
This is the only book that comes to mind.
Robert Cialdini in his book Influence: Science and Practice (p164f) mentions that food makes people more relaxed and open to others opinions, that is why e.g. in politics votes are being swayed over dinners.
further he goes on:
> [Razran (1938 & 1940)] found that his subjects became fonder of people and things they experienced while they were eating.
So, I guess that makes a clear case: We like what we encounter while eating. And obviously if you add some romance, a bit of alcohol, nice music, pleasant conversation, good perfumes (& pheromones), and that people grow to like things more that they spend longer time with - dinners are a good first date. Maybe the principle of consistency also plays a role - once you commit to spending a dinner with someone you will try to justify to yourself that you did so, by 'inventing' more reasons. Additionally, the spending-dinner-together, especially if the less choosy partner (usually the male) pays might create a certain feeling of indebtedness that could also lead to further dates/actions.
But tbh I think there is too much (socially constructed) pressure and other first dates might be more valuable, e.g. a coffee (caffeine increases the heart rate, which in turn is often interpreted by the one experiencing it as physical arousal as reaction to the other person) with cake (sweet, pleasant + warm coffee = excellent creation of sympathy) that might be a better version.
I'm not sure where that is from, but there was a study indicating that couples that are rated as "not matching" by outsiders often met during emotional events - e.g. rollercoasters, concerts, ... take your date to some exciting place - that gives you endorphins and other fun hormones which create a stronger bonding.
Solving the Procrastination Puzzle: A Concise Guide to Strategies for Change
This book helped me immensely. It's written by a psychologist who has spent a ton of time researching the mechanisms and psychological basis of Procrastination, and he explains thoroughly both why we procrastinate and how to stop.
He also has a blog and podcast series where he gives further material and exercises to help stop procrastinating. I can't recommend this book more highly.
There is one, this page is from it :D
I read it a few days ago and it's very cutely done, good overview of the KonMari principles.
I wake up about 2.5 hours before work. I follow The Miracle Morning pretty closely. It has six rituals: exercise, meditation, journaling, visualization, affirmations and reading. After I do each of these for about 10 minutes I pack lunches for me and my wife and iron my outfit for the day. Then I pick a good podcast and do my 15 minute walk to the train for work. It really helps me focus and have a productive work day.
At night I usually go to the gym around 8 and get home at 9. I shower, take a melatonin, hang out with my wife for a bit and go to bed.
Anything by Tony Robbins is good - I highly recommend going through his Time of Your Life audio program a few times.
Letting Go has some good content for developing a highly attuned sense of self-awareness.
The Charisma Myth is okay too.
I could go on about different books in this genre. These books are great starting places though.
Here's a link to his book on Amazon!
This might come across as a bit melodramatic. But...
It's not just a game. It's real life. It's real life in the sense that your emotions are real. Your frustration, your self-doubt, your despair at being mentally dominated by another person--all real. It hurts and it sucks, but writing it off as "just a game" won't help you.
You have an opportunity to improve yourself through chess. You can learn to deal with your feelings more effectively. You can learn to turn that frustration and rage into resolve. You can harness your ego.
There is a lot of good advice out there on improving at chess. You will have to put in the work, but you can do it.
Your efforts with chess may benefit you in ways you don't expect. We are all destined to be vanquished on many boards, real and imaginary, until our final defeat at the end of life. Might as well learn to deal with it.
In movie form:
https://youtu.be/D_Vg4uyYwEk?t=97
A good book:
https://www.amazon.com/Ego-Enemy-Ryan-Holiday/dp/1591847818
I agree with this comment. When I read the OP's post the phrase "which tend to just come about and leave me completely unresponsive and insisting that nothing is wrong and generally making me impossible to deal with" jumped out at me. It sounds to me like when your girlfriend does something to upset or offend you, you freeze up and become numb. Does that description sound accurate?
If so, maybe this numbness happens because you are deeply uncomfortable dealing with negative feelings toward your significant other. For example, if you feel irritated with her, that irritated feeling causes you great anxiety and shame because you believe "a good person wouldn't feel irritated with someone you love". So you numb it out, instead of experiencing it, processing it, and coming up with a tactful way of addressing the subject of your irritation. The more shame you feel around an issue and the more you numb it and let the shame accumulate, the more angry and nasty feelings will well up.
Brene Brown has written some wonderful books on the subject of shame and vulnerability. Her first, I Thought it was Just Me (But it Isn't), is still my favorite, here
She also has a blog, but I think the book explains it best. It's important to start with the definition of shame and how it is different from guilt, humiliation, and embarrassment.
Of course, I could be completely wrong about the numbing thing. But I thought it was worth a shot. I applaud you for recognizing this as a problem and having such a clear desire to address it! Awesome!
The Master of Influence who worked with her has a chapter in his first book that says "censoring a source makes it appear more credible".
Apparently she didn't listen. What a dumbass.
I started smoking at 16 and I was in a similar position when I was 22 and began my first real quit attempt. I told all my friends I was quitting and then was so ashamed when I relapsed like 3 days later that I kept up the charade for 3 weeks before admitting to it. The problem I had was that I just didn't know how to start or even where to look for help. It took me 3 more years and a couple more quit attempts before I came across Allen Carr's easyway to stop smoking
I know it sounds like a fucking scam when someone tells you there is an easy way to quit smoking, but honestly this book does a lot to help reprogram the way you look at smoking. You can buy it for less than 2 packs of cigs on Amazon or get it from a library for free.
The truth is tho that quitting smoking isn't easy. But I never had success until I bought that book and gave it an open minded read from cover to cover and followed the steps. It made the quitting process a whole lot easier when I was able to recognize all the brainwashing that cigarettes and advertisers had done to my brain. The first few weeks I was consumed with the thought of having another smoke but now days go by without me even thinking about cigarettes and when I do have thoughts of them it's just an errant memory rather than a desire to smoke.
In a couple days I'll be two months cigarette free and I couldn't feel better. I've more energy, I'm no longer self conscious about how I smell next to strangers on the bus, I never again have to be berated by a non-smoker for trying to get my nicotine fix (seriously, fuck those people), I've cut out a large source of my shame when I would have to smoke around colleagues, my sexual stamina has increased, and I've something to feel proud of.
Seriously, pick up the book and give it an honest effort because you've got nothing to lose even if you can't stick with it but so much to gain if you can.
> People will grab a pirated copy of one of Jim's books, skim it real fast, screw up the program
The reverse is also true. Independently of the actual value of an object, people who spend x money on something will value it more than those who get it for x*[0,1). The reason is that people tend to think of themselves as consistent beings, so if they show they value something by spending money it, they want to keep arguing that it's actually valuable. Source.
To all having this problem:
I read a book called Solving the Procrastination Puzzle: A Concise Guide to Strategies for Change recently and while I know that we get sick of hearing "just stop being lazy" this book isn't that and gives actual strategy we can utilize in our other methods to overcome being the busy squirrels our brains normally are. Oh - and it's on a few of your favorite ship themed websites as an audiobook as well.
In short, it isn't a miracle but I'm damn happy I read that book to widen my arsenal of tactics I can use to function.
Hey OP congrats on taking steps towards a healthier lifestyle. It can be really difficult to get out of a rut and depression eats you alive.. so I’m really proud of you and cleaning your room really does help with mental. Do you have a thing for anime and manga? There’s a manga I read that’s an adaptation of Marie Kondo’s Art of Tidying Up. The title isn’t just for tidying up your living space but also your mind.. personally I haven’t read the book yet but the manga really really changed my life. I highly recommend it https://www.amazon.com/Life-Changing-Manga-Tidying-Up-Magical/dp/0399580530
So to highlight some of the things from my reply to your original post.
Pentatonics are safer as there's nothing greatly offensive about them when applied over many chords, but 7 notes really raise the bar alot in terms of adding more tense or nothing sounding notes.
This gets tricky when combining notes together as now predictable tension, release, sounding nice with the chord and the context of the progression becomes that more difficult and its so much easier to get lost.
So two things greatly helped me.
Therefore, to use modes / scales effectivly your note choices must repect the chord, things like how tense/clashy or homely a note sounds is extremely important to how a phrase sounds and is all to do with the chord + lead / melody notes working together.
So a bit of advice given to me is you should be able to hear the chords / chord changes in the solo / melody.
It's why I dont like the term E mixolydian jam or in the Key of C lydian. For example, a I IV V in the Key of C has the chords C major F major and G major respectivly and you can improvise using C major.
I would personally say if we are talking "modes" that over that progression you do not solo in C major. You use 3 scales / modes, C ionian, F lydian and G mixolydian. Now the context is all nice an correct. Yeah these are all modes of C major, but it makes sense to me when you play over an F chord you are using an F something scale.
So you would never use a scale / mode over several different chords. "E mixolydian" jam to me says chuggin out over an E7 chord constantly. If there are other chords, say a B7, then you certainly dont play E mixolydian over that, its B something and in the context, B mixolydian.
But thats when you talk "modes" / theory. Another / easier way to look at it is, you are playing C major but making sure in your note selection over each chord you select notes that work with the chord. I.e. over the C the E note sounds warm/happy and good + works well with the chord but over the F it changes and the A note sounds warm / happy / good.
I started writing about humans / physiology / communication and what I believe are effects on how we perceive music, but it got long / off topic...
Long story short, vocalisation forces you phrase more naturally. You are constricted by breath etc. You are also much more connected with your voice then you are with the guitar (thats something then develop) so you can use your imagination more and help get natural inflection and dynamics etc.
Its like knowing what you want to do and then developing a connection with the guitar to achieve it, rather than essentially finding something randomly on the guitar and trying to connect it back to something / an understanding of what you may want to do. I started with the latter, but it (for me) now just seems the completely the wrong way round, so I do the first way now and Its helped me greatly.
With vocalisation, you dont have to be pitch perfect / beautiful singing, you just vocalise out (la's, hmms, anything but it has to be somethin) somewhat near enough, inside you're head you wioll know what you mean.
Victor Wootens book The Music Lesson I think is well worth a read.
The Music Lesson by Victor Wooten. A lot of it is set in the context of bass guitar but it really is for anybody who plays an instrument.
In addition to the Big Book, I read Carr along with Jack Trimpey's Rational Recovery. Both present cognitive approaches to addressing addictions.
There are a few chapters in Trimpey's book that struck me as the most accurate I had ever read about "my" addiction, not the least of which was to say the following (paraphrasing):
We all drink for the same reason: It feels good. At first it "feels good," and we drink again -- and more -- to replicate the experience. It gets harder to replicate as our tolerance increases, so we drink even more to feel good. Eventually we drink excessively and regularly to dispel the "bad" effects of not drinking, which still means drinking to feel good. Eventually we become sad, fat, and depressed because of alcohol, so we blame the depression for the drinking as opposed to the other way around.
Trimpey wrote this book in the mid-nineties and has since forged off on other paths -- including vitriol-laced attacks on AA that largely deflate his more intelligent arguments. But his work supplied the base for SMART Recovery and other cognitive programs.
That's a good question about brain chemistry. Yesterday I was actually wondering about how people with a chemical unbalance in their brain and to what extent they could be Stoic. And then I questioned myself if I could have a chemical unbalance and realized that if people put off trying to learn about Stoicism and put it off based upon the assumption it would not work because they think or know they have a chemical unbalance then they would not reap any benefits from it. If you had a chemical unbalance in your brain any Stoic teachings may still be very beneficial to you regardless. That turned into a little rant, but back to topic - I think it was good that you came off anti-depressants and decided to combat your negative moods by expanding your own mind. As a word of advice, if you ever find it hard to change your old depressive habits, and this goes for anyone else too because this is of up-most importance to have knowledge of, in my opinion, that you should study the power of the subconscious mind to change old errors you have inputted into your mind and stray away from your old self image. It is key to know how your subconscious mind functions when trying to incorporate new habits and a new mind set. I recoccmend these 3 books for starters
1)ISBN-13: 978-0671708825
2) ISBN-13: 978-0399176135
3) ISBN-13: 978-1614270195
Edit: I may make a post about why learning about your subconscious mind is very beneficial to anyone and also why it helps much with the teachings of Stoicism.
Also I can't recommend this book enough.
Freedom of Mind: Helping Loved Ones Leave Controlling People, Cults, and Beliefs
Steven Hassan is considered one of the foremost experts on this topic, and many, many people have benefited from this book and his other books, Releasing the Bonds (2000) and also his earlier book, Combatting Cult Mind Control (1989).
If reading isn't your thing, here is Joe Rogan with Steven.
I've been using these techniques to speak with those in MLMs but also those with opposing political beliefs to mine in regards to our current POTUS (sigh) and I found it extremely successful.
I work in the marketing industry and every attempt I've seen to make something "viral" or "big" has always failed miserably. If you think about it, this is not how news is made. In reality, the idea of publicizing something suddenly changes too often, too quickly into an imposition that never arouses interest but rejection and makes one look like a religious preacher.
​
The best example of how stoicism can regain attention are Ryan Holiday's works "The Obstacle Is the Way," "Ego Is the Enemy," and soon "Stillness Is the Key." As he describes in his book on marketing called "Perennial Seller" (I can highly recommend this book to anyone who can't get the question of this discussion out of his head) and his first podcast interview at the Tim Ferriss Show, no one ever wakes up in the middle of the night sweating and thinks: "I desperately need a 2000-year-old philosophy from the antiquity," but people can't fall to sleep in the evening, because of the thought: "I need a solution to my problems very quickly." That's why Ryan wrote a practical book with concrete lessons & advice and not a systemic essay on the philosophical "school" of the Stoics.
​
It is said that stoicism is not the philosophy of the retired monk, but that of the worker in the marketplace; a person who wants to create things and pushes forward what concerns. At such places, Stoicism is really "taught". It's a practical philosophy which should be lived and shown by example in the work you do. And maybe after the work is done, you drink a beer with your colleagues and if the situation presents itself you tell them about the philosophy you're currently studying. This is how it reached popularity from the beginning, and it is how its representatives said how it was meant to be taught.
In the everyday business of the agency in which I work, topics related to stoicism often come up, as it does in any real workplace. If it seems helpful in solving the problem of the client, I give advice that I have learned while studying the Stoics, sometimes I even quote them. For me, these are the moments when philosophy comes alive and really leaves a lasting impression on people.
​
What of course can happen then is that someone can be a stoic, but he does not know it, because he is more busy acting righteously than wondering what his lifestyle could be called. This leads to the fact that Stoicism is less proclaimed. But this is what distinguishes this school of thought from so many others and makes me appreciate it so much: the primary focus of it, is that ist LIVED more than talked.
If I were to be given the choice of whether everyone in the world should know what Stoicism is or whether everyone should act like a Stoic, I would always choose the latter.
​
I trust that the things beyond my control, such as my fellow men understanding that philosophical action is the groundwork of a good life, will fall into places. And in my opinion, there already have been "successes", if you want to call them like that:
Ryan's practical books on stoicism have sold hundreds of thousands of copies.
Here in Germany, the author Ferdinand von Schirach, who is currently being hold up as the most important writer in the country, quotes in his current work "Kaffee & Zigaretten" (English: "Coffee & Cigarets", not translated yet), which until last week was #1 on the Spiegel Bestsellerliste, Epictetus, provides background information to the life of the philosopher and tells of his first encounter with the "Enchiridion." In another work, he writes: "Marcus Aurelius says that the purpose of life is right action, and the secret of life is life itself. I doubt that a man can know more than that, for me this is all."
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So in response to the question of this discussion, I would say that we should diligently fulfill our duties, do what needs to be done, and tackle the issues that are affecting us. In solving them, the teaching of the Stoics will show through by righteous action, inspire people and thus spread by itself.
There’s a book called I Thought It was Just Me (but it isn’t) by Beene Brown about shame as an emotion. It might help you contextualize some of the things you’re feeling towards yourself.
Also- if it’s a possibility for you, you may find talking to a therapist helpful.
Shark Week hit me like a runaway freight train two days early, thanks hormones! Last night I curled up with a warm mug of Tazo decaf cinnamon baked apple tea, my heating pad, and a good book. Finished the night under my kcal goal a little hungry but I feel fine this morning, so I guess I just slept it off - still have to work my way through deciphering "real hunger" from "hunger" (especially during shark week).
I started reading The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up by Marie Kondo a few days ago and I'm interested to see if I can implement the type of tidying up she talks about, it'd be nice to finally declutter and organize my living space so I actually fit in it comfortably. I always feel surround by so much "stuff" and I think it's no bueno, my Mom raised me to be a sentimental pack rat... I've slowly been growing out of it over the years. I'll just have to decide that this is something I can do!
You never know what those people in the photos are struggling with. Some may be depressed themselves. Maybe completely unhappy in their marriages or jobs but feeling unable to do anything about it. Etc etc. You just never know.
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Have you watched or read anythin by Brene Brown? She has spent her whole CAREER studying and writing about shame. When I went through my SECOND divorce (sigh) and felt like a complete failure (and my family shaming me didn't help any), she was my lifeline. I read three of her books and watched her TED talks several times.
https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability
https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame
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These two books changed my life:
https://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/1592403352/
https://smile.amazon.com/Gifts-Imperfection-Think-Supposed-Embrace/dp/159285849X/
Who you are is important. You are important.
Maintaining a healthy body composition (for which weight is a poor, lagging metric), is important no matter what anyone else thinks. The problem is that a healthy diet is not a matter of (direct) self control.
Most diets lead to bad eating habits because you ignore your body's cues and eat by the clock. Please read this book:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1594203075/ref=oh_o01_s00_i00_details
It outlines how diet is directly linked to will power and how dieting is counterproductive. Use your will power to create healthy habits (like exercising and eating home cooked meals where you decide the ingredients). Don't go on a diet. When faced with temptation, tell yourself that you'll eat it later rather than cutting things out of your diet entirely. Never have a calorie limit. Just measure the calories and try to minimize.
Have your husband read the book too. It will help him understand your problems and give him ideas on how he can help. You need to work together since social support is the best correlated variable to weight loss.
https://www.amazon.com/Influence-Psychology-Persuasion-Business-Essentials-ebook/dp/B002BD2UUC
Robert Cialdini wrote it to try to protect customers from various sales tactics, but it backfired and mostly sold to salesmen lol...
Sounds like time to Kondo your fragrance collection. The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up
So, i picked up this book two days ago. I finished it yesterday and went nuts on my wardrobe.
The premise of the book is to take out and handle everything you own and keep only things that make you feel joyful. It sounds totally hippy crazy stuff, and the author is bonkers in the best possible way, but the book is insanely inspiring and motivational and I've just filled two huge black trash bags of clothes to take to goodwill. I feel amazing! I mean, I didn't have much to start with, but EVERYTHING in my closet right now makes me feel amazing. it fits, it's comfortable, it makes me look great... I keep opening my closet and grinning :)
Next up, going through the book case and keeping only the stuff I really love and read over and over again (90% of my books are now on my kindle anyway) and tossing all that nasty old curry stained tupperware from my kitchen! I'm so excited to have a house in which everything makes me happy :)
Amazing. Now stop smoking. It's easy - read this book and you'll stop.
https://www.amazon.com/Allen-Carrs-Easy-Stop-Smoking-ebook/dp/B01EVMK0H0/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1519655531&sr=8-3&keywords=the+easy+way+to+quit+smoking+book
Seriously, get your hands on a copy of What to Say When you Talk To Yourself by Shad Helmstetter as soon as you can. Amazon link here. No need to thank me when it changes your life. All good! :)
i'm probably not the best at selling this idea, but it has been helpful for me and it might be helpful for you. if you want to read more about it and you're down to commit some time to it, read this book https://www.amazon.com/Procrastination-Why-You-What-About/dp/0738211702 or if you are interested and want less investment i'd say google the phrase fixed mindset vs growth mindset. Or not, just trying to help.
This one did for sure. I always hated mornings, hated getting out of bed, etc. This book taught me how my mornings can be the most important part of the day and has helped a ton.
https://www.amazon.com/Miracle-Morning-Not-So-Obvious-Guaranteed-Transform/dp/0979019710
I wake up early fairly consistently. Most Saturdays I sleep in until 8am, but throughout the week 5am is the norm. Today just happened to be 2:30am, so consistency as far as exact time isn't really a thing for me.
My morning routine I've adopted from Hal Elrod's Miracle morning. I originally read a synopsis found here after hearing about the concept. I read some reviews and thought the book was pointless to read, but I'm finally reading it now and not hating it. I thought the synopsis would be enough and the book itself would be full of fluff, but it's both inspiring and informative.
Essentially, the morning begins with 6 things. How much time you spend on each is up to you. Depending on homework, work and other tasks I have planned, I'll spend up to 2 hours doing these things and sometimes I just rush through it so I can work. Of course, again not so consistent, I do skip the routine altogether some days and I notice those days don't go too smoothly afterwards.
4.Exercise. I usually wait till about 6 or 6:30 to wake my girlfriend up. We take our dogs for a walk and I usually run off midway with our bigger dog (she walks the little dog back to the house). Sometimes I just walk the whole route with everyone. Afterwards I'll either follow up with a workout or hit the shower. Exercise really awakens the body and of all of these things is the most important. I feel like it's great for depression, axiety and many other ailments, but then again I'm not a scientist and don't care to back up this claim for the sake of this post.
Speaking of which this post is becoming a book so I'll stop it here. Hope that helps or inspires someone. I recommend the books I've mentioned, but from what I understand Miracle Morning has basically been summed up in this post but like I said I'm enjoying it so far. As far as when you wake up, I think the earlier the better, personally and 6am just does not cut it for me.
Lastly, I should mention a good way to remember the above is the acronym SAVERS. Thats why I didn't put things in order of what I do necessarily, but in the order that fits the acronym.
Metacognition is necessary but not sufficient because feelings and thoughts are different neurological phenomena. You likely know that feelings arise from a the limbic system -- the primitive or reptilian part of the brain -- and thoughts are how the cortex processes those feelings together with sensory inputs, etc. There are feedback loops in which metacognition triggers new feelings to arise, which then have to be processed, which may trigger additional feelings, ad infinitum.
Part of "getting over it" involves breaking this cycle long for enough that negative feelings stop arising. Since the limbic system exists below the level of the conscious mind, we need to break the cycle using the cortex.
David Hawkins describes this approach in his excellent book, Letting Go. If you haven't read it, I'd consider it a must. One of the books that has most changed my life.
Once you can shut down the cortex by having it focus just on naming and validating each feeling that arises, you will find that each feeling just kind of swells inside you and breaks like a wave on the shore, then recedes on its own and is gone in less than a minute. Then a new feeling comes up and does the same. And as you process the negative ones and let go of them one by one, increasingly positive ones spontaneously emerge and take their place. It's one of the most beautiful things I've ever experienced.
As you practice this, you may find that you can begin to do it in real-time. I was in therapy with my person last week and she was raging at me in front of our therapist. It hurt so bad. I felt it, acknowledged it, sat with the discomfort of it, let it go, and it left. It was so beautiful.
My therapist had me study and practice this approach and then started guiding me through EMDR to reprocess some childhood trauma. Super painful for a few minutes, but so peaceful in the end. I'm still learning how to let go, especially in the middle of a fight. I'm getting better.
People are afraid because it's very scary. (Although people who first hear of it are probably scared because it's a new and weird idea.)
I'm not going to give the entire explanation again, but in this (recent) post, I outlined some of the dangers in self-improving artificial intelligence.
> I really cannot see any good reasoning behind fearing it!
Don't feel obligated to do it, but try and actually think about it for five minutes. There are plenty of good reasons to fear an intelligence explosion and you should be able to come up with them.
> Singularity is pretty much AI getting smarter than humans and taking over the world if u did not know
The Machine Intelligence Research Institute (which are pretty much the only people working on Friendly AI, as far as I know) are trying to introduce the phrase "intelligence explosion" for this particular singularity scenario. Others include nano-tech or computer-brain interfaces. Being conquered by aliens could also be seen as a singularity event.
> We are creating better "Humans". Sure robots are not humans, but they would be created by us and be our legacy as a race.
If you could choose between "humans uploaded into robot bodies" and "all humans are dead, but robots live on," what would be the best choice?
Robots aren't humans. Having a legacy means nothing to humans if they are all dead.
> we could never last!
We would never last in our current form. Human beings aren't (technically) limited to our frail bodies. Transhumanists want stronger, faster and smarter (and weirder) bodies for humans. There's no need to replace the human race with robots if you can just improve the robots.
> That is, even if it ever happens. So u probably do not have to worry about being killed by robots.
The earliest time-frame for an intelligence explosion is around 2040. This is unlikely and AGI is always predicted to be 30 to 40 years away. There is a fair chance longevity happens before AGI, which increases the chances that people reading this will live that long.
Plus, people can be worried about their descendants or just the future of the human race. I'm worried about extinction events because I care about the future of the human race, not just about myself.
> If there are mistakes srry... I am only 15.
One tip if you want to be more convincing: Work on your spelling. I didn't mind all that much, but it's something (relatively) easy to work on. If you want to be more convincing in general, try picking up a copy of [Influence, Science and Practice(http://www.amazon.com/Influence-Science-Practice-5th-Edition/dp/0205609996). This also doubles as a decent introduction to social psychology and human biases, which is always good to know.
And I'm also going to give you some more tips that aren't related to what you posted (I wish someone told me this when I was your age):
If you have any questions (on the subject of this thread or otherwise), feel free to let me know.
A couple weeks ago this video was posted to /r/videos, and it lead me to this book by him called "Solving the procrastination puzzle", which is a quick read, it gives you a much better understanding of what procrastination is.
I'd definitely recommend you start by watching that video from one of his lectures, then read his book. There are a few steps in the book which you can write down and memorize.
This isn't going to be easy. It will be a years-long process, but it will benefit you for the rest of your life. By age 25 you will see vast improvements. By age 30 you will be totally unrecognizable. All it requires is that you keep moving forward. So here is my advice...
You have to build a base that will enable you to achieve success. Once you have that base built, success comes easy.
To start building your base, identify the areas of your life that are holding you back and improve those areas one at a time. Focusing on one area at a time is important because of the way willpower and habits work. Briefly, we have a finite amount of willpower to allocate to behavior change. If you spread your willpower reserve to thin, you will increase the change of failure. Once you have gained control over one area of your behavior, you will no longer need to utilize much willpower to maintain it because it will have become a habit. Mastering one behavior will also contribute to your base of good behaviors and makes each subsequent change easier because bad behaviors tend to diminish the base level of willpower you have. Think of bad behaviors as a negative modifier on your willpower stat.
If you're interested in learning more about willpower and habits I recommend Solving the Procrastination Puzzle: A Concise Guide to Strategies for Change by Dr. Tim Pychyl, who studies the topic. The book is on procrastination but the topics are interrelated.
You've already identified areas where you are lacking: overweight, unemployed, depressed, anxious, etc. Now is the time to stop and think about what to focus on first. Let's use being overweight as an example of how I would analyze which area to focus on first.
First I would realize that being overweight isn't the problem. If I could be overweight and still be healthy then I wouldn't mind being overweight. The problem is that being overweight is a symptom of an unhealthy lifestyle. This means that we have to break down your lifestyle into different sub-behaviors that combine to make you overweight. There could be any number of reason that you stuggle with weight and that's for you to determine. A couple reason could be that you have an unhealthy relationship with food, that you don't exercise, that you aren't getting proper nutrition, etc. Tackle each of these and you will all the sudden realize that it's no longer hard to stay at a healthy weight.
Once you've tackled the behaviors that contributed to your weight problem (or whichever behavior you decide to start with changing), you will notice that the remaining changes you try to make will be easier. For instance, you would most likely already be a little less depressed as the behaviors that led to being overweight likely overlap with the behaviors that cause your depression.
I wish you good luck. It is certainly not impossible to build yourself up from your current position. Just try not to make excuses for yourself (which is hard, I do it all the time) and keep pushing forward. Look back one year from now and see all the progress you have made.
I'm interested in buying anime figures, did some research and found this amazing Shirobako figure. I'm probably gonna buy it once i have more money. Also ive heard about this new manga coming about tidying your house, very interesting. Oh and before I forget, im interested in starting to watch idol anime, its something i tried to avoid after watching Perfect Blue but i wanna see what all the hype is about. Im planning on watching Idolm@ster, is that a good idol series for beginners? Let me know
There's also a manga version! My husband and I got it on a whim at a book store and it's so easy to read, plus helps with visualizing everything! I found it much more approachable than her full length book which made it easy to get started.
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The Life-Changing Manga of Tidying Up: A Magical Story https://www.amazon.ca/dp/0399580530/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_iofWCbCXGETE6
yeah, I found it in the new release section of the book store. It made the reading quite quick.
https://www.amazon.com/Life-Changing-Manga-Tidying-Up-Magical/dp/0399580530
You could try watching the Marie Kondo Netflix show together and see if they get inspired. Best bet, though, is to read her book and fix your own stuff. Lead by example.
My first band (and second one, for that matter) focused wholly on original material.
In the 2nd one trying to corral four people in a room on a consistent basis was our biggest challenge, let alone make some creative spark happen without it all devolving into distractions. We ended up just jamming on chords and going nowhere.
Back to the first - few of us had any experience. One classically trained guitarist who was very good, another guitarist on an acoustic who had pure talent and could make almost anything he played sound good, a singer/poet with personality, humor, and his own style, and me, the guy who thought "I can play bass."
That band (still my favorite) met at least once a week, played for at least an hour or two (sometimes more, rarely less) when we got together, and worked up nothing but original material for the few short months we were together. I still have a tape of our songs, all recorded in a single small room on a 4-track. It's rough, but beautiful, and we were all growing together as musicians. I still know those songs and am still proud of the creativity that spawned them.
The key I've found in playing since then is to be yourself and have fun most of all. As you play more, you'll get better, even if you're getting bored practicing. Victor Wooten has some interesting points to make on practicing in this book, The Music Lesson. Highly recommended.
I always liked this Victor Wooten book.
Whatever you do, don't start again. For your own good hear me out.
I started off with painkillers and got up to using about 1 gram of heroin per day. In other words, I was very addicted, it felt like drugs took my soul and I was never going to get it back.
I've been clean for ~4 years now, life isn't roses, but guess what, it never will be. I can promise you one thing though, life is at least 900 times better without drugs. Slavery or freedom, it's an easy choice. Ugh, just thinking about it makes me shudder (figuratively).
Never give opiates another THOUGHT, those thoughts are not that of your own. I was taught to think of them more like a transmission from your enemy, and that did the trick. Quickly enough life moved on, and the worst experience of my life thus far became merely a chapter in my past to learn from.
P.S. (OPINION): NA is useless, it is as much a disease as the drugs themselves. It is cult like, and not mentally healthy behavior. If you learn some things about psychology, you'll quickly learn the mindset that NA provides is not that of a healthy successful individual. You can do it on your own, the mind is all you need.
Reading can be more powerful than anything else if you allow it. Reading one method from one book was what changed the course of my life. That is to identify addictive thoughts as not your own, but rather a transmission from the enemy, you must identify that transmission and it's sender (your enemy) and block it out/demand that it stop. I tried to find the book for you and I couldn't, unfortunately. Point is, knowledge and effort alone are enough. For now though, do whatever works.
EDIT: I remember the book.
Rational Recovery: The New Cure for Substance Addiction
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0671528580/
This book taught me things that were a huge help in getting clean for good.
Your question made me look up an article on perfectionism. It is worth having a look at. There's also a good book on self-talk here.
There seem to be positive and negative aspects to it, meaning that while you should strive towards perfectionism, being perfect should not be a goal.
You will make mistakes. How you frame those mistakes determines whether you have a positive or negative mindset.
Instead of saying, "man I suck!" when you make a mistake, it may be better to think, "man that thing I did was not good!"
Notice the difference, whereas the first statement diminishes your self-esteem, the second statement admits a particular course of action was not the best choice. You can then identify how to improve that course of action through better decision-making. As others have stated, get a calendar.
Within the context of your LTR, it shows you didn't completely breakdown due to a few mistakes, you're unshaken. And, that you have a positive, learners' mindset geared towards improvement.
There's a book called "What to say when you talk to yourself" and there's this part about losing weight. It's pretty simple, he has you record your own voice repeating to yourself bs like "I am in control of myself in every way and in all situations", it's like 10 different sentences.
Well anyways, you listen to them once or twice a day, and I swear that shit does wonders, made me lose weight without even trying all that hard, you should give it a shot.
We are all trying to figure this out. I just saw this post the other day check the video.
The author of several books about getting people out of high control religions. The latest and most inclusive of his current thinking is called Freedom of Mind
I'm going to get this and start learning.
I suggest reading the book I wrote on helping people be empowered to think for themselves. it is called Freedom of Mind I think making friends with other folks, ex members from other groups, other activists.
There are many, many ideas for how to help.
I have tried time blocking and it was just not helpful for me. Two things have really helped are Bullet Journaling and Miracle Mornings.
Bullet Journalling is awesome because it is so flexible that I can make it work with anything. It can be creative, or minimalist, and it works with everything. I'm not kept to a rigid format, and it can hold anything from tasks/events/plans to goals/reflections/journalling. It's definitely worth a try.
Miracle Mornings are awesome because they really focus on getting what matters into your day in the span of a morning. I need to feel more meaning in my life and the Miracle Morning really centers you. It focuses on the Life SAVERS:
I would absolutely recommend at least reading the book to find out if it's something that you could commit to. It changed me from wishing and hoping to do all of those things, to actually doing them every day. I would strongly recommend even just reading the book to see if it's for you.
This [book] (https://www.amazon.com/Miracle-Morning-Not-So-Obvious-Guaranteed-Transform/dp/0979019710/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1474760507&sr=8-1&keywords=miracle+morning) has helped out a lot of people...
Read the Miracle Morning (quick & easy read). The author has pulled the best morning routines in 6 steps:
Silence - Meditate
Affirmation
Visualize
Exercise
Read
Scribe - Journal
Apart from changing your life, the book introduces you to a 70k strong community that only inspires and encourages. Every single person has been in your position.
I read the book over a year ago which ultimately lead me to complete 4 triathlons so far and help me focus my mind through meditation.
https://www.amazon.com/Miracle-Morning-Not-So-Obvious-Guaranteed-Transform/dp/0979019710
Switch
And also similar, but more broad in terms of ideas (by the same author):
Made to Stick
Before you worry about budget, you should work on your craft. Look, I make my mistakes too, but here's some things about that video that I point out and if you can take the criticism, you'll be an even better filmmaker. I really hope you take it that way, or else the point is moot.
Other than that, I feel you need to continue practicing your storytelling. This story introduced me to a girl picking up a friend coming back from traveling in Japan, to her going to sleep, to her having autoerotic asphyxiation sex with her boyfriend/fuckbuddy. I'm left wondering what the hell happens after this and what it has to do with the Baku. To me, there's more of this story in your head that I didn't get to see. Don't fret though, this is a problem all of us have to overcome along the way. This book helped me get over the hump.
Wanna dig deeper and see how your video is being lost on people? Use YouTube Analytics. Because you uploaded this video after 9/1/2012, you have a goldmine of info to tell you what you need to improve. Look beyond the views, which I can tell you are at 3K because you have a influential network on Facebook.
The key parameter would be Audience Retention. First, look at the "absolute audience retention". This will tell you where people are stopping the video, giving up, and so on. Then look at the "relative audience retention", which will then put your video up against other videos like it. I'm not telling you to go back and fix it and reupload it, I'm telling you this so you can improve with every video you make.
Even after you've mastered all of that, I'd still say that you should put your budget - shoestring or multimillion - worries on hold and read up on project management and the project management triangle. This will help you create the best film/video you can for whatever budget you have.
If you've made it this far, thanks for reading and I look forward to saying I knew you back when you were just a guy on Reddit.
> Okay, first of all, my mom is a psychotic, nagging little bitch. She ALWAYS tries to find the littlest of things to criticize me, even when there's nothing to criticize about. For example, I would eat dinner upstairs. Just me sitting quietly and eating my food. Suddenly the bitch would instigate an argument. And bam, I start to feel like shit for the rest of the day. Thanks for ruining my mood, fucking bitch.
This behaviour is a request for validation or acknowledgement, but she is having difficulty expressing it positively because of the level of resentment she is feeling. Find out what she is doing for you or others that she expects gratitude for, and then give her said gratitude. Once you do this, the nagging should at least start to ease.
David Hawkins wrote that people start nagging when they do something for someone, expect praise for doing said act, and then don't get it. They set up an expectation within themselves, and the nagging is triggered by the resulting feelings of emptiness, exhaustion, and resentment. The other thing to understand here is that the nagging and resentment will be in direct proportion to the amount of gratitude or acknowledgement that the person expects to receive for the service they have rendered. If she was expecting a lot of praise from you, then she will feel a lot of resentment if she doesn't get it.
> I'm sorry for being so angry. This is what happens when you're constantly surrounded by negative people. As a result, it's making me really negative as well. The negativity is contagious. It runs like wild fire.
Anger is in fact a relatively positive condition. It is two emotional steps below the tipping point for stable positive emotion; the next two being Pride and Courage. Get from Anger to Pride by finding some achievements that you've made which you feel proud of yourself for, and then get from Pride to Courage by realising that, because you're capable of achieving things you can feel proud of, that means that you are sufficiently competent that you can cope with living as a stable, independent adult. The major developmental hurdle is getting to the point where you believe that on a long term basis, you have the ability to consistently survive. Once security in the ability to survive is established, negative emotion will largely cease, and you'll be able to continue to higher levels.
Get Transcending the Levels of Consciousness, and Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender. They will outline a very concrete method of elevating yourself emotionally, and potentially helping others rise as well, through active listening and providing positive acknowledgement.
Love is acceptance. Surrender.
I would recommend reading this
Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender
Great answer, the second paragraph especially! Just one thing to add about how you do metta:
Usually we give metta to ourselves, and then to others. We send it to those we are close to, then those we are neutral to, then those we have difficulties with, and then finally all people, and the universe.
Bear in mind that sending metta to different types of people can bring things up from the past that need to be purified, and therefore might end up affecting your situation. This occurs to me particularly when sending it to people I have difficulties with, so as you can probably imagine, they are sometimes pretty intense. You get better at dealing with this though.
A good idea is to avoid sending it to those you have difficulties with for now. Maybe even only send it to yourself.
Oh - and one more thing - Letting Go by David R Hawkins will be good for your current situation. It is basically an entire book on purification!
It sounds like you may have a problem with boundaries, which is a common symptom of social anxiety disorder. I had SAD very bad when I first left, I would literally cry in front of people, just spontaneously break out into sobs... it was not a great strategy for making friends. Some of the opinions people expressed would just upset me so much. My best friend (worldly friend that I grew up with) had an abortion when we were 18 and I just couldn't handle it. I would share very personal information to strangers and then be devastated when they didn't give me the support that I needed. If I hadn't gotten some help dealing with it it would have actually driven me back into the organization because my behaviour was so negative it would've reinforced their teachings that the 'world is bad' and 'real friends love Jehovah' by pushing people away from me.
It sounds like you could really benefit from some therapy. And if you can't afford therapy these two books really helped me. first and second. The second book is considered to be 'spiritual' but I chose not to look at it that way. It is about practicing 'mindfulness' which is really just being aware of your own internal dialogue. What is your mind telling you about yourself and the world? Sometimes figuring that out is the hardest part, and for me it vastly changed how I interact with others.
Good luck OP. You're not crazy.
Goals are based on time, which is an illusion created by our mind so the ego can exist...there's only now. Start watching your thoughts, and you'll notice just how often you spend outside of 'now' (past, future). Time is always haunting us, your ego will continually punish you for mistakes in the past..but only if you let it.
This book really helped me...might help you too:
http://www.amazon.com/Power-Now-Guide-Spiritual-Enlightenment/dp/1577311523
I am no expert by any means, and you may have a different lesson to learn than me...so what works for me won't always work for you.
Edit: Here's a video I've always liked that relates to this subject (short animation):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d2afuTvUzBQ
70 copies of this book. Keep one, read it, then give it away. Ego is the Enemy
Might help to read this book Ego is the Enemy. Dude is not a psychiatrist, psychologist, or anything to do with Science. Hell, don't even buy his book, just find it online somewhere for free. The value of the book is that he talks about a lot of now famous and successful people, past and present, who went through similar issues, or who were in situations where they could've done something really, really regrettable and stupid. He talks about their failures and dark times, rather than their glories.
The reason is their anger, their ego that doesn't tolerate things happening any different than what it wants. Some are really hard hitting stories. Men in wars, or racially discriminated, women oppressed by the system, people who lost it all and then had to rebuild from scraps. And yet, somehow they persevered. Besides persistence in their work, the other crucial element was taming their ego, which is the source of anger, especially when young.
It took me a long time to calm myself. I used to lose my shit at your age too. Alienated a lot of people, and those relations are gone. There is no recovering that, but at least I can save me from myself.
It's crucial to know why you get angry. Why you demand that things be as you want, or feel irritated at how unfair life is. My anger became manageable when I accepted that others don't have to comply to my point of view. They can have opinions exactly opposite or even inimical to mine, and that's it. I won't let them sabotage my life (that's self assurance, lack of which can be a source of anger too), but I don't have to force them into my perspective, or feel frustrated if they don't agree. Hell, be here long enough, and you might get exhausted by the n number of times you'll lose your temper.
Ego is the Enemy https://www.amazon.com/Ego-Enemy-Ryan-Holiday/dp/1591847818
This is a really good summary - https://www.rainn.org/articles/self-care-after-trauma
I love this book, it explores the concept of shame in a very helpful way - https://www.amazon.com/Thought-Was-Just-but-isnt/dp/1592403352/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1497624119&sr=8-4&keywords=brene+brown
I found a lot of the things in this post helpful, although they obviously pertain to BED specifically - https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/3dqkpe/bingefree_for_1_month_after_8_years_of_an_eating/
Mindfullness & meditation are great ways to practice self care - https://buddhaimonia.com/blog/mindfulness-tips
Exercise, eating well & dressing nicely almost always make you more in tune with your body and as a result more centered and happy with your appearance. These are all self care activities.
I'd also take sex out of the equation for awhile, it doesn't really tend to help in this kind of situation unless it is with a person you can feel safely intimate with.
It might be more than frustration: it might be shame as well. She might feel ashamed of how she's inherited her family's lack of responsible financial habits. (As a side note, she may also worry that spending in a more thought-out way will take all the fun out of life.)
On the topic of shame, you may benefit from reading I Thought it was Just Me (but it isn't) by Brene Brown. The book gives an insight on how people react defensively when they feel ashamed and how to connect with people who are experiencing shame (and how to not make it worse).
I know it seems like a tangent from talking finances--and maybe it is, if I'm wrong that she feels shame about it--but I think it's worth looking into after 8 years together. Also the book really changed my life and how I handle relationships overall.
I just finished this up and found it to be profoundly and fundamentally applicable to my life: Willpower: Rediscovering the Greatest Human Strength
The most important thing you get out of it is how much your decision making is affected by your current mental state, rather then reason, and how important will power and self-discipline is to a successful and happy life. It's extremely easy to read and approachable as well.
Science agrees with you on your thoughts about willpower: here is a great book that was extremely informative to me on the subject.
There is one thing I would caution NoFappers against, that I have learned personally and had reiterated by this book, is that self-control is a finite resource, so we should try not to create too many new habits at once. Meditation and cold showers are great for building willpower, but we shouldn't try to go on a strict new diet at the same time as starting NoFap; you will use all of your willpower avoiding the temptation of the doughnut shop down the street and then end up fapping like a maniac when you get home. I would say you should let NoFap get to the point where it isn't a day to day struggle (90 days?) before you make any other drastic changes.
THIS. If you really want to be a filmmaker, then start filming.
What do you mean by "never got to shoot my own"? Were people supposed to set up your shoot for you?
You have to make the work, you can't expect it to come to you. Read the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. Then read it again.
Watch movies with the commentary on. Watch shorts other people have made on vimeo and youtube. Get inspired.
Talk to the people around you about wanting to film something, see who else is interested. It might surprise you how many people are willing to throw themselves in front of the camera for fun, as long as you have a concrete vision of what you want to film.
But like /u/madism said: dig deep within yourself to remember why you want to be a filmmaker. Nobody's going to make you one.
There was a video on here that I can't find again, it was a guy giving a pep talk to creative people and he said something along the lines of "you'll never get full-time results by putting in part-time work." That's what finally got me off my duff and filming.
Edit to add another great, inspiring book: [The Magic of Thinking Big] (http://www.amazon.com/Magic-Thinking-Big-David-Schwartz/dp/0671646788/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1406073375&sr=1-2&keywords=think+big)
Hay mate, that way never works, you'll probably get a head of a lot of the nicer people out there, but people who lie, cheat and steal to get ahead it always ends up catching them in the end and becomes their biggest downfall, honestly never been the best course of action.
I think its why usually people are looking for other ways in creating successful businesses and why many are doing much better lately. Maybe its best to check out:
Remember any group/class/religion that claims to teach you about lying, cheating or stealing, is probably lying, cheating and stealing from you instead :p.
Just be careful, it's easy to fall down the rabbit hole of 'thinking you're being productive' but working ON things instead of "In" things. (Meta-procrastination is reading a book about getting organized instead of getting organized.) You should strive to have the simplest, most boring system that actually works for you. It's very easy to get caught up in the trap of researching the latest and greatest fad rather than actually doing the hard tasks that need to be done.
The 'classic' is "How to take control of your time and your life" by Lakein. This is the most generic, 1970s version of time management possible, but is helpful to understand as it is kind of 'responded to' by multiple other authors, even if they don't call him out by name.
Another frequently referenced work is "7 Habits of Highly Effective People" by Covey. This gets mentioned in a lot of places. It is a 'top down' style.
For a completely different perspective, try "Getting Things Done" by Allen. This will lead you to realize how many commitments that you have made. It is more 'bottom up'.
Finally, some of the most interesting stuff in this space that I have read is by Mark Forster. His latest book is here. And his blog is here.
At a high level, it is always useful to think about the utility of what you are doing - that is, making sure you are doing the right things, even if you are doing them slowly (working on your most important tasks), rather than doing low value tasks efficiently (man, I can read email quickly). Peter Drucker, Tim Ferriss (Four Hour Workweek), etc.
Other ideas/Books to research: JIT/Kanban, 80/20 'rule', "Eat that frog" by Brian Tracy. Smarter Faster Better by Duhigg, The Power of Habit also by Duhigg I also very much enjoyed. The Magic of Tidying up by Kondo might also give you some insight into cleaning out your commitments.
Hope this helps. I have read all of these so let me know if you have questions I guess...
Here's the amazon link. I've done my wardrobe and plan on continuing. I come from a line of hoarders and am terrified of hoarding as well.
She also believes that once you tidy up your home, you are open to changing negative routines in your life. It's a lot at once, but I've just done the wardrobe category and I already feel so much better. And I've stuck with keeping things in their place as well. No more sweaters tossed on top of my dresser!
I quit in September of 2016. At the time, I'd been a smoker for over a decade and was smoking almost 2 packs a day. And I went from almost 40 cigarettes a day to 0 and never looked back.
I highly recommend Allen Carr's Easyway to Stop Smoking book. It is life changing! Link!
Honestly, 72 hours of shitty symptoms and your body will be nicotine free. I recommend buying some tea tree oil toothpicks to chew on for something to do to replace the hand to mouth motion, continue exercising, try yoga or other mindfulness measures to help with the mental side. It sucks, but the only way is to bite the bullet and get through. Also, even though it’s meant primarily for cig smokers (which I was), try reading Allen Carr, easy way to quit smoking
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01EVMK0H0/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_t1_YFT6BbFZT24AF
GOOD LUCK AND YOU ABSOLUTELY CAN DO IT
Yes, and it’s literally called Letting Go
https://www.amazon.com/Letting-David-Hawkins-M-D-Ph-D/dp/1401945015
Dude - what part of the country do you live in?
On top of anything else you do, try getting some Sun if possible to increase Vit D. and reduce SAD. Also, I read about a study that indicated that dirt could help depression, like soil, stuff in the soil - so planting, gardening, etc.
Try reading: http://www.amazon.com/Power-Now-Guide-Spiritual-Enlightenment/dp/1577311523
Stop by my place, I have no one to lavish attention on...
Well... good question. How do you know any strong sensation of peace, love, joy, rapture, inner quiet - comes from the Holy Ghost, or is of God?
I've never felt this sensation before either. Totally new to me. I've felt a good many different sensations when feeling the spirit. I do feel that particular sensation repeatedly when I visit this particular entry on that website, though. Even thinking about it right now is making just my fingers tingle.
Lots of exmos think that feeling good, or feeling emotionally touched, is the same as feeling the spirit. I've never felt that way. There are very distinct differences between when reading a touching story or watching a touching movie scene makes me cry and the spirit.
One time I went for a walk while thinking about the interrelatedness of things in the natural world, metaphysical stuff. As I contemplated, I had this incredible spiritual experience come upon me where everything seemed in perfect harmony - the trees, rocks, water, sky. Everything seemed just as it should be.
But I did not feel, nor believe, that experience to have been of the holy spirit. It was spiritual in nature, but not of divinity. Rather, a spectacular communion with nature and its cycles and hums.
This happened twelve years ago and just this year I read Eckhart Tolle's The Power of Now. I recognized the vibrant, living, in-the-present feeling as being conscious. It was nice to finally put a label on this experience! And know it was a well-known and desirable phenomenon.
But Being Conscious is not the same as feeling the Holy Ghost, even though it is a wonderful, peaceful feeling. When you feel the spirit, or God moving in your life, you feel a sense of something higher, something guiding you, something that loves you and wants good things for you. A power well beyond what is within.
I'm not in your situation so I probably can't tell you what to do. I can just share what helped me. First of all, I was in a place where I wanted change really badly. Like really badly. I was upset with my life, my relationships and just my outlook and decided it had to change. I read a lot and I asked a lot of questions and worked at it. Eventually, I read three books which helped change the way I approached everyday things, and specifically relationships.
They were
http://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-Language-Marshall-Rosenberg/dp/1892005034
http://www.amazon.com/True-Love-Practice-Awakening-ebook/dp/B004SII6JWe
http://www.amazon.com/Power-Now-Guide-Spiritual-Enlightenment/dp/1577311523
But yeah, definitely not a quick fix.
A lot of people are really turned off by the "spiritual" aspects of the third book. I don't understand that, when I read it it just seemed like an practical way to go about living your life and not religious at all. All three of these books offer physical activities, like very basic "an idiot could do this" things that make you better at listening, especially the first two, which is what I was looking for. And the suggestions they gave definitely worked. If you only read one, I would read the second one for your situation. It's not as "Buddhist" as it seems.
What I eventually learned: Listening and being present is really hard first of all. Your mind wants to jump in all the time and pick apart, dissect and analyze... And then there is the other part of your mind that wants to react, like "Oh she said this, that's not right." Once you get there though, you're just calm and it's a great thing because you can always go back, and people just tend to relax around you more.
Learn to talk, and how to see their perspective (this is a must read for everyone who is in any way a professional):
https://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People-ebook/dp/B003WEAI4E
Recently I started also reading some books from McKinsey. Super great stuff. What I love about them is they really emphasise how to structure your thoughts, separate yourself from ideas, and to do what's best for the project.
https://www.amazon.com/McKinsey-Way-Ethan-Rasiel/dp/0070534489/ref=pd_bxgy_14_img_3?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=0070534489&pd_rd_r=YBVH0X91FMM7TK9XSYG5&pd_rd_w=AJ3XR&pd_rd_wg=8J07f&psc=1&refRID=YBVH0X91FMM7TK9XSYG5
https://www.amazon.com/McKinsey-Engagement-Powerful-Efficient-Effective/dp/0071497412
Finally, some of your trouble might be that they're questioning your "strategy". They might be right!
https://www.amazon.com/Good-Strategy-Bad-Difference-Matters/dp/0307886239
EDIT: one more actually, and this is NOT a must read, but for some of us... it can be. Some of us need to learn how to get over ourselves:
https://www.amazon.com/Ego-Enemy-Ryan-Holiday/dp/1591847818
One day at a time. One step at a time.
In the end, the only way to appreciate your progress is to stand on the edge of the hole you dug for yourself, look down inside of it, and smile fondly at the bloody claw prints that marked your journey up the walls.
Here you go
You can make 100 great points, but with an attitude like yours, you will undermine yourself and never make any progress. The trick to this is knowing when it isn't worth your time.
Here's a parting Norse Proverb for you to think about:
> “Brawl with a pig, and you’ll leave with his stink.”
Jacko is awesome.
I highly recommend Ego is the Enemy.
Here's my rough notes I made while reading, but you should read the whole thing. Essential reading, particularly if you're going into business.
I came across this engaging TED talk from a researcher named Brene Brown that talks about the power of vulnerability. I think you might find it insightful.
She also wrote a bunch of good books that I think will really speak to your current situation. Take a look at them and once you get to Montreal/Toronto or if you have a Kindle app on your phone/tablet, take the first step to self-improvement by reading lots of books like these (including suggestions above). Ebooks from Amazon are quite affordable so there's no excuse not to start a reading list for changing your mindset and improving your quality of life. If you want to go free, there's r/freeEBOOKS too if you want to look around.
It looks pretty obvious right now, but a lot of people in this sub believe in you, myself included. Take one of those jobs and take that big step to a new life. Use your meds as a crutch for the time being and I'm sure things will improve. You'll have to give it time.
EDIT: Links
Hmm, I think I Thought It Was Just Me might be an effective combination of research, psychology, and self-help for you. I read it and did a group therapy course on the subject. I have a lot of shame issues and fear of embarrassment issues as well.
Also, your "rather how to stop being so arrogant" comment raised a little flag for me, because I have often battled with that. I have to keep telling myself "Nobody actually cares!" because they don't. And if they do, they shouldn't, you know? Someone once told me I was a "closet narcissist" for feeling that way, and I'm not sure I'm on board with that yet, but if you're interested you could Google it and see what little you find and if you can identify with it.
i would highly recomend reading this book as you start your journey. it will give you a lot better insight into stopping then just white knuckling it... biggest advice is focus on one thing at a time. you only have enough will power to diet or stop smoking. overloading yourself will result in relapse. you are young and have plenty of time for self improvement. take small well planted steps and you will be amazed at how far you can travel. GOOD LUCK
I recommend the book Willpower (
http://www.amazon.com/Willpower-Rediscovering-Greatest-Human-Strength/dp/1594203075/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1341226157&sr=8-1&keywords=willpower )
In it, the authors explore the current scientifical knowledge about willpower, what influences it etc. It's mainly a book about research results, not a How-To-Guide, but there is a lot of interesting facts and I found it helps to know why one lacks self-discipline if you want to train it
If you're the science type, you should definitely check out Willpower. It's a collection of studies done by Roy Baumeister, a heavy hitter in the realm of social psychology. I've been reading it and it just gets me thinking about how I can use the scientific knowledge to change the world around me, making it difficult to do anything but accomplish my goals.
So, uh, yeah, check it out.
I guess my place is a bit of an organized mess but I don’t let others even use my personal things and never have—one of the first things I bought as a kid was a safe for my toys.
If cleaning for others was one of my chores then there is no doubt it would be a problem. I got this book Willpower for this type as well as more important things I should be doing.
There are links throughout to the sources.
http://www.psy.fsu.edu/~baumeistertice/research.html
http://www.amazon.com/Willpower-Rediscovering-Greatest-Human-Strength/dp/1594203075
http://www.fed.cuhk.edu.hk/~lchang/material/Evolutionary/Brain/Self-control%20relies%20on%20glucose%20as%20a%20limited%20energy%20source%20willpower%20Is%20more%20than%20a%20metaphor.pdf
http://youarenotsosmart.com/2012/04/17/ego-depletion/
I actually own a marketing agency that exclusively deals with distilleries and wineries, and there's a lot of research behind the psychology of this. A must read for anyone in sales/marketing/advertising
Ugh, this should be higher up the list. Not sales specifically, but the skills translate frictionlessly and also useful in life. In this same category I would put
I recently read Influence by Dr. Robert B. Cialdini and based on that reading, yes, absolutely.
There's a chapter on the concept of Social Proof, which basically boils down to saying that when people are making decisions, they are strongly influenced by what other people are doing. Have you ever gone to a party and asked a friend what he's planning to wear because you aren't sure how to dress appropriately? Have you ever asked a waiter what dish is the most popular? Have you ever followed a crow, assuming that they know the way to an exit? Those are all examples of social proof.
​
Coming back to fantasy novels, reviews and recommendations are social proof that we all use in making decisions. The appearance that a book is widely read and well liked makes us more likely to read it ourselves. Some books reach critical mass and snowball in popularity because they're already popular and therefore are considered a safe pick for someone who doesn't pride themselves in finding a diamonds in the rough. We pick books based on best-seller lists, editor's choices in book stores, and recommendations from friends, bloggers, and social media.
​
So in general, yes, a book which has accumulated a sufficient number of positive reviews has gathered enough social proof that it becomes easier to market. It will be less common for a book to become popular due to a single review, but books can get a bump from an enthusiastic, popular blogger.
Are you giving away a story free to subscribers? Where in your front matter / back matter do you put your CTA (Call to Action) to entice them to sign-up? Do you use images or just text? For every 100 books you sell (or give away free), how many subscribers are you getting on average? It's work, but it's soooo worth it.
ETA: Throwing some power words into your CTA/headline might help too. The Lust column on that page, for instance, has some juicy words to use for your CTA/headline. Have I mentioned the importance of your CTA/headline enough yet? ;)
ETA TOO: If you want some homework, read Influence by Cialdini and/or Tested Advertising Methods for some basics on marketing. For even more author-specific newsletter tips, check out Mark Dawson and/or Nick Stephenson.
> There are so many offers and specials for ebooks outside of the Amazon marketplace that you will not notice any difference.
Can you provide some pointers? I usually see the best deals on Amazon (such as $2.99 for this book in today's daily deal) and I thought those couldn't be beat.
What makes me feel better is having a cuddle party with my friends and kitties, watching movies or TV show reruns together and eventually falling asleep in a huge heap of warmth and love. <3
I love this book and have no idea why I don't own it yet.
I am not a mom but I have some advice :) (pardon my language but I am going to refer to your kid as the pronoun him)
Watch this video first, hell watch it before reading the rest of the post
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Things you need to do (these are the inbetween steps 1 and 2, 2 and 3, 3 and 4, 4 and 5)
Marie Kondo's book The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up is well worth reading. I thought reading your post that you would be helped by it.
This book changed my life it sounds dumb, but I'm such a fucking slob, but my room is the neatest it's ever been, and getting rid of stuff has never felt less stressful. I've been at it for about 4 months, and when I backslide a bit it takes no time to get back... Also, I never thought I'd be into folding my clothes, but I love how neat and tidy my wardrobe is... It feels like I'm honoring the clothes I love to wear.
Oh, buy a plunger before you need it. Look at the cost of cleaning supplies at lowes or home depot and by everything but windex off brand.
Buy a stack of washcloths and hand towels. You'll save a bundle on paper towels by having reusable.
And buy a all in one tool kit with hammer, wrench, multi screwdriver, measuring tape, etc. It's amazingly useful and compact.
A flashlight is also not a bad thing to own.
I recommend reading The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up..
I saw this thread earlier and thought I should reply, saw all the other posts and moved on. While out running just now, I remembered how I was in your spot (and maybe a bit worse?) and wished I had some help starting out or staying on track. So here I am, telling a really long story on Reddit. Maybe I’ll remember to save this and reshare later.
Mike’s Guide to Deciding to Fix Your Life, Lose Some Weight, Quit Smoking and Run the New York Marathon 5 Times (and eventually buy a Peloton).
At 33 years old I decided that smoking a pack a day, working 70 hour weeks and being overweight wasn’t what I wanted to be as a parent. I was driving to Oregon for work and got a double quarter pounder with cheese at McDonalds (and you know it was super sized) in the drive through. As I finished my burger and it up a cigarette (Marlboro Lights…because LIGHTS! I’m going to quit one day), I noticed my pants were tight. Not normal pants. My fat pants. For anyone who has ever been fat…you know what I’m talking about. I don’t know if this is still a thing, but at the time, I never remembered seeing sizes about 42 (which was what I was wearing). I realized I might need special pants—and not utilitarian pants…but pants because of my size. I hit bottom (mine…).
The next day I was at work, and was outside smoking with people half my age and thinking…wow this is what looked like smoking at 18. I looked around and then saw someone about 10 years older than me smoking…worse skin, stained clothes from it, etc. I didn’t want to become him…but was still stuck as that kid.
I devised a plan. I stuck to it, and went from 205 (all fat) > 165 (All skin bones) and now 180 currently, but stronger than I’ve ever been.
A bit of random commentary before I start:
• Quitting smoking is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Ever. Looking back, however, it was the best choice I’ve ever made. I have never missed it.
• Second thing: You have to change who you are and how you do many parts of your life. This isn’t easy. Your family needs to understand why you are doing what you are doing and support you. They don’t to have to come along, but they can’t take you off course.
• Do it for you. Don’t do it for anyone else. If you do it for someone, you’ll resent them. Quit smoking to live longer or to be a better role model for your kid, not because your family wants you to.
The order this goes in, I’ll explain why:
Fix Your Diet
Note that this does not say ‘go on a diet’. Going on a diet is temporary. You got where you are today based on ‘not being on a diet’…so as soon as your diet ‘ends’ you’re right back on the road. I read Atkins, Keto, all of them. They all say the same thing: Eat less of (thing), Profit! At the end of the day, I figured I’d be bad at any conformist diet. I like bread. I like meat. I like milk. Hell, I even like cake!
My diet is simple. To maintain my weight, I have 2000 calories a day. If I want to drop weight I eat less calories. 3500 calories = 1 pound of fat. What no one ever explains when you are a kid is that it is a net sum game. Over course of a week/month/year/life, going over calories gains weight, under burns it. If you eat 14,000 one week (2k/day) and 17,500 (2500/day) the following you will gain a pound. Even if you go back to 14k the next…that pound is still there.
Track your food with apps like lose it or my fitness pal. Find what your healthy diet is…what the right serving size is (WEIGH YOUR FOOD), do the math and run tally. It doesn’t matter if you only eat Snicker’s bars all day every day. Stick to this and you will lose.
I did 1500 calories a day to lose a pound a week without making changes to my exercise.
Get Active
I was perhaps more out of shape than you, but I couldn’t walk a mile without wheezing. Get a treadmill. Get a peloton (!) and get on it every day. Every. Day. 30 minutes. Every. Day. If you say ‘well I don’t have 30 minutes’ you are lying because you are on reddit right now. Find what works for you to be dripping sweat at the end of 30 minutes. Maybe that’s walking. Maybe its running. Add incline/speed or whatever every time it gets ‘easy’. (note from prior commenter: It never gets easy. My comments: its always rewarding)
Prepare to be the slow go at the gym. Or low on the leaderboards. Or have one of the hyperfit instructors talk about 90 cadence and 60 resistance when you can’t even breathe. Do your best effort 100% of the time and it will come. The smoking will make this harder and hell, after you get off the bike/run/treadmill have a cigarette, I did. You’ll start to notice something though….breathing is important.
Quit Smoking
So, quitting smoking. Early commenter recommended vaping; I’m not a fan. Cigarettes are an addiction and saying that (to me) is like saying ‘Heroin? oh man those needles are bad for you, check out meth!’. I personally recommend a book called the Easy Way to Quit Smoking by Allen Carr:
https://www.amazon.com/Allen-Carrs-Easy-Stop-Smoking-ebook/dp/B01EVMK0H0/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1518225081&amp;sr=8-2
I never looked at smoking like an addiction nor did I understand how that cycle worked. Read the book, and just decide to quit and fight it. It isn’t easy. It’s the hardest thing you’ll ever do. I promise its worth it.
Side tips to this: make yourself uncomfortable while quitting. Hang out with smokers. Go outside on smoke breaks with them. Drink! Go to bars! Don’t smoke. These temptations don’t go away—learn early that you can win.
Wait a minute? Why shouldn’t I quit smoking first? Great question reader. You will, as a side effect of quitting smoking lower your heart rate (which is a good thing) but it will mess with calorie burn a bit. In addition, while quitting you will be hungry like never before. You will want to eat EVERYTHING to ease the nerves. You will probably gain weight. If you fix your diet first and don’t go over (EAT ALL THE VEGETABLES) you won’t gain as much. If you’re exercising you’ll see breathing benefits fast and can use it as a stress burn.
Get More Active
The world is your oyster. Run a 5k. Run a 10k. Run a Marathon. Get Peloton crazy. Climb a mountain. Do some shit. Its fun. 😊
First, congratulations!
It's different work and while it's still technical it's now about people but it can be learned. Find a mentor who is not your boss. Seriously. It's good to have one or more advocates in the organization because there are limits to what "push" vs "pull" can achieve but it's their advice that you need to reduce your mistakes and effectively review them afterward.
I'll add to the book recommendations already here (The Phoenix Project, Team of Teams, Leaders Eat Last) and suggest:
Good luck!
Newp. Amazon referral links always have "-20" somewhere in the link. The entire string will be something like "tag=repulsor-20" but scanning for the "-20" is easy.
Here's an Amazon tip for linkers, too. Everything after the long strong of numbers is fluff. So the OP's link, which starts as:
http://www.amazon.com/Influence-Science-Practice-5th-Edition/dp/0205609996/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1377360710&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=influence+science+and+practice
Also works as:
http://www.amazon.com/Influence-Science-Practice-5th-Edition/dp/0205609996
or even:
http://www.amazon.com/dp/0205609996
But you don't really have to go that far.
This may also help avoid confusion regarding referrals.
If you really truly want to learn how to human, and/or effectively interact or get things done. I highly recommend the book on influence and science education here.
http://www.amazon.com/Influence-Science-Practice-5th-Edition/dp/0205609996
I think you'd find this one fascinating.
https://www.amazon.com/Influence-Practice-Robert-B-Cialdini/dp/0205609996/ref=pd_sbs_14_img_2?_encoding=UTF8&amp;psc=1&amp;refRID=NHDYPV45QR5BHE13DHGK
For the adaptive thinking skills area, Tim Pychyl, the procrastination researcher, has some resources including the book, Solving the Procrastination Puzzle: https://www.amazon.com/Solving-Procrastination-Puzzle-Concise-Strategies/dp/0399168125 , or his rarely updated, but very useful Podcast: http://iprocrastinate.libsyn.com/
Since it's a mental thing, the only way to address it is by filling your mind with material to help counteract your natural tendencies. Read (or listen to) Napoleon Hill's Think and Grow Rich and then keep reading self-help/motivational material. There's a reason motivational speakers are always in high demand: people need motivation. There's nothing wrong with needing motivation, it just makes you normal. But you've got to address the problem at the thought-pattern level. (And in fact, I believe it was on this sub that someone recently posted a YouTube vid of a professor who researches procrastination - I watched it, it was a good vid. He has a book, too.)
A book you can find from, ahem, other sources online is Solving the Procrastination Puzzle
Nice, thanks for posting! This is the related book that he mentions: Timothy A. Pychyl - Solving the Procrastination Puzzle: A Concise Guide to Strategies for Change.
> I'm not even sure where to start sorting myself (and my place!) out
Peterson won't tell you exactly how to clean up your place but many people have had good luck with Marie Kondo to get in the right mindset for that. Maybe that's a good place to start in the meantime. There's even a frikkin manga version because why not (which I may or may not have ordered a second ago >.>).
It most likely won't tell you anything you haven't heard before but sometimes it can help to hear it in the right words for it to finally click. There are also free 'cliffnotes' on peoples blogs if you look for it, but I think it loses its impact that way.
Other than that I can recommend Bite-sized Philosophy if you don't have the time to listen to Peterson's complete lectures.
This won't give you the same structured approach as the Self-Authoring Suite, the idea is more to keep yourself surrounded with the ideas and concepts that Peterson promotes. I'm the kind of person that has to be surrounded by a new idea constantly and hear it again and again for it to completely sink in, perhaps this will help you too.
Link for the lazy like me.
I'm sure Marie Kondo's philosophy has shown here in the past, but if it doesn't bring you joy, you can discard it.
I had an external monitor and it allowed me to play a competitive game at a higher framerate and play the game properly. As an avid fan of the game it brought me much joy and still does now as my new rig's main monitor. But does it do that for you? If not, you could discard it after you take a moment to think of what it's done for you.
If you really love cooking and those pan make you think happy things, keep them. But if they remind you of the excess you feel you have, or your inability to use them effectively, then it's fine to discard the ones you don't always use. The one you do use will be a joy. Cooking a big meal on Sunday and saving it for the week can bring you joy, but if it hasn't so far, maybe it's not for you
Again though, if you really like something then don't feel the need to do it. But lemme tell you, a lot of things in my space don't spark joy.
Source material
I second the jazz piano book, jazzadvice.com, and all the rest of this advice.
My two favorite music books are Victor Wooten's The Music Lesson and Philip Toshio Sudo's Zen Guitar. They contain wisdom that a lot of other music education misses.
As far as playing the piano goes, I recommend really exploring the piano as an instrument. Find the piano's strong and unique points, and be pianistly (in this sense). Conversely, target the piano's weak points, and learn to imitate other instruments: playing long unbroken lines like a sax will make you "light on your fingers" and help you to decompartmentalize fingering patterns you have learned.
I'm a big fan of this video right now. Download the pdf too, and practice the scales listed. The idea of chords being fragments of larger scale families (and being able to hear the entire scale families going by) is important. This is easiest to wrap your head around by playing modal chords on a C major scale. Allan holdsworth explains it better. This also ties into the "find which notes can be added to round out the standard chords" thing- if you hear the entire scale, then extrapolating which notes can be added is fairly intuitive.
Also, listen to great players. I like powell, monk, tatum, george shearing, and marian mcpartland, Mccoy Tyner, Kenny Barron, Esjborn Svensson Trio, Keith Jarrett, and Bill Evans. These are just a few mainstream examples. Also, learn from other instrumental traditions. If you like something, try to extrapolate a principle or lesson that you can bring with you from that song, and likewise if you dislike something, articulate what it is you dislike, then you can learn to play the opposite. John Hartford says "style is based on limitations", so choose carefully how you learn to play. If you don't like something, don't learn to play like that just because it's part of the jazz aesthetic cannon or some nonsense.
Also, play with someone. Play with bandinabox, which is easy to steal and fairly cheap to buy, and has many many many song files freely available online. Play with a metronome, at least.
Learn to adjust your technique to different pianos. Not every piano you play on will be good or even fair, so being able to get a feel for a new instrument and its limitations quickly is a great skill. On your home instrument, focus all the more strongly on finding technique compatible with that instrument. On a related note, let your mind step back and lead with your hands, letting fingerings and reflexes show you the way forward. On the other hand, let your technique fade into the foreground and practice bringing out the ideas in your ear, even if they navigate unfamiliar territory (do this slowly or it won't work and you'll revert to reflex) Both modes have their merits, and the more you get comfy with both, the less of a distinction there is between them.
Also, practice singing and playing. Meld your understanding of harmony on the piano with your ear and voice. Also, practice thinking big (long musical fragments, specific complex voicings, etc, etc) at & away from the instrument. If you can't think big, your creativity will never have good macro structure & flow. I really believe that our creative impulse is a divine gift, but it often builds on our existing experience and abilities.
https://www.amazon.com/Music-Lesson-Spiritual-Search-Through/dp/0425220931
It's available pretty much wherever anywhere that sells books.
Go out and buy the book The Music Lesson, by Victor Wooten. I can't tell you how much this book has impacted my life.
Late to the party, a lot of good responses already. One thing you may want to try is get a copy of The Music Lesson by Victor Wooten.
It's a good read and can probably help your (and possibly your teacher) build a course of study that is more than the "classical" training of reading music, scales, etudes, modes, etc. I just finished it, and after some 30+ years of playing, has changed my approach to practice and performing. Good luck!
Try reading this book:
Victor Wooten - The Music Lesson: A Spiritual Search for Growth Through Music
It reflects a lot on what you've written and how to really listen to music. It's narrated in a somewhat spiritual way, but the messages are pretty clear.
Book description:
> From Grammy-winning musical icon and legendary bassist Victor L. Wooten comes The Music Lesson, the story of a struggling young musician who wanted music to be his life, and who wanted his life to be great. Then, from nowhere it seemed, a teacher arrived. Part musical genius, part philosopher, part eccentric wise man, the teacher would guide the young musician on a spiritual journey, and teach him that the gifts we get from music mirror those from life, and every movement, phrase, and chord has its own meaning...All you have to do is find the song inside.
General practice and exercise: Bass Fitness
Theory, technique, ideas and concepts: The Evolving Bassist, Bass Method: Volumes 1, 2, and 3
Fun, interesting reads: 101 Bass Tips, Standing in the Shadows of Motown, The Music Lesson
Your frustration is perfectly natural. The same questions and doubts arise in all of us at all levels. The standard answers you noted are true, but only in your context and when you are at the right place in your journey.
A few things come to mind that might be of use.
Seek out a mentor. We all need guidance and teachers. Find someone who has had the type of succeses you are looking for. Ask questions and learn from the wisdom of their experience.
Seek out a collaborator. One of the most rewarding aspects of what we do is sharing it with others. Sharing the creative process and bouncing around new ideas with someone else is fun and creates an environment where new ideas and avenues can flourish.
Take time to be introspective without being reactive. Be real with yourself. What are your goals. Really think about the why and the outcome you hope see. Successful people are not successful by accident. They work incredibly hard to achieve their success - we are only seeing the end result.
Sometimes the best thing to do is take a break. Walk away from it and give your mind and spirit a rest so when you return it is with renewed exuberance. As odd as this may sound, when I take a break, my brain tells my it's time to come back through dreaming about playing and being on stage or jamming with others.
Something else you might consider is [Zen Guitar] (https://amzn.to/2IO4IfU) or [Victor Wooten's The Music Lesson] (https://amzn.to/2GbuyJf), both of which are fantastic and inspirational reads.
I hope this helps my friend!
I'm sorry. That sounds horrible. I'm glad you're posting here because it sounds like you do actually want to recover. I recently read an interesting book called Brain Over Binge and a lot of what she writes sounds similar to what you're sharing with us. She isn't diabetic but it's the same concept of accidentally starting terrible habits and the desire to be skinny and feeling shame over your choices. She also mentions the book Rational Recovery which is about alcoholism but covers a lot of the same concepts.
Being honest with yourself about why you're in therapy is important. It's time to turn that honesty on its head and ask yourself if you want to really get better. And if you do...you can get there with help. Bulimia is a very serious problem, and you know this...you know that you can actually die from it. Please be kind to yourself and your future life. Good luck!
NA isn't for everyone. If you don't like it, I suggest reading Rational Recovery. I was able to kick booze (admittedly, not as hard as heroin, but I was getting wasted every night for years) after reading that book.
Why do you feel so alone, when you have good friends? Maybe you should nurture those friendships? Do something good for someone. I always feel better when I'm helping people...
You need to change the things you tell yourself in your own head.
"I am a junior in college with no direction, still no motivation and an increasingly less promising future."
"I am not stronger enough to put off instant pleasure in order to achieve future happiness."
"I know I'm a screw up."
Put a post-it note on your bathroom mirror. (Or someplace else you'll see often.) Something about yourself that you want to be true but don't yet believe. Single sentence, statement of fact. "I work hard." "I pursue things that interest me." "I dedicate my energy to improving myself." Not I WILL or I'LL TRY or I'M GOING TO but I DO. You can rewire your internal brain patterns this way. Also, get your hands on a copy of this book: http://www.amazon.com/What-Say-When-Talk-Yourself/dp/0671708821/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1314110587&amp;sr=1-1
"what to say when you talk to yourself" by Shad Helmstetter.
This book can change your life, assuming you do what it teaches. Also therapy is great.
https://www.amazon.ca/What-When-Talk-Your-Self/dp/0671708821
If I have to select one book, I would go to "[What to say when you talk to yourself](https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0671708821/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1469995285&amp;sr=8-1&amp;pi= SY200_QL40&keywords=what+to+say+when+you+talk+to+yourself&dpPl=1&dpID=51uyR7wv8tL&ref=plSrch)" by Dr. Shad Helmestetter. It is a fast read, and you will never forget it.
A hint? Do exactly what he says, follow the exercises and start enjoying your wonderful life.
I'm nearly finished this book and I love it. Honestly have only taken a few concepts on board but still felt a difference.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0671708821?pc_redir=1408677214&amp;robot_redir=1
I've had similar problems with procrastination/perfectionism and the depression that goes along with it.
You need to make a massive effort to do SOME exercise and eat some good food. They will kick start the body to slowly get back into balance and will make the next exercise effort a little easier to motivate yourself to do.
Also I highly recommend this book on procrastination:
Procrastination: Why You Do It, What to Do About It Now
http://www.amazon.com/Procrastination-Why-You-What-About/dp/0738211702
On procrastination, I recommend this
https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/0738211702/ref=oh_aui_search_detailpage?ie=UTF8&amp;psc=1
There's perhaps more of a focus on the "why you do it" than "how to beat it", but I found that very useful.
Steven Hassan (who has created the BITE model) has several books about helping family members in high control groups. I think Freedom of Mind is the most resent.
Avoid being too confrontational about the JW beliefs. JW will teach that new converts might face persecution by the family members and that that will show them that the religion is the truth.
Ha. Ok then there is always this book to help you prepare. Steven Hassan is the creator of the BITE model. His insights are world renown on the subject. One thing the video and his books tall about is to not go in wanting to get them out. The key is to try to get them to think for themselves. The rest will follow. Maybe
Freedom of Mind: Helping Loved Ones Leave Controlling People, Cults, and Beliefs https://www.amazon.com/dp/0967068819/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_ZczQBbHC8BKSF
Bitterness is definitely something to be avoided. Of course your wife is none the wiser and getting angry and bitter at her will only make things worse. I highly recommend Steven Hassan's books. Buy this one and read it at work: http://www.amazon.com/Freedom-Mind-Helping-Controlling-Beliefs/dp/0967068819/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1368043209&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=steven+hassan
Check out Amazon's site for the book. Click the Look Inside and then First Pages; pages 2-4 (starting with What Is A Destructive Cult?) could easily describe the Mormon church.
Steven Hassan recommends reading his newest book first, he said he learned a lot since his first book that you linked to. Both are great of course .
Yes, this is one of my two goals (will post my cards soon).
Make sure to head to /r/getoutofbed
Reading and implementing "The Miracle Morning", while being nothing new actualy helped me too.
This is a pretty popular book about morning routines
> how does anyone make it without routine? How to master anything without it?
It's hard to. Humans are creatures of habit. You described it well enough in your post.
http://www.amazon.com/The-Miracle-Morning-Not-So-Obvious-Guaranteed/dp/0979019710
Henrik: Yeah, it's fascinating how few people are in fact swayed by facts alone. It's important to tell stories.
Interestingly, the imagery and stories that is "anti-LSD" has a been extremely effective. Almost everyone I have talked to about LSD inevitably mentioned the old (mostly mythical) stories about "people on LSD think they can fly and jump out a window". It's such vivid imagery, it's an idea that is Made to Stick.
I believe books like Acid Test really does a good job of doing this kind of effective story-telling. I very much recommend it.
I also recommend videos like this, which has a good chance of breaking peoples programming, especially for people which score high on Care/harm on their moral foundations.
Great advice here. For me, focusing on what you want to say takes care of any nervousness. So choose a short message you really believe in and use the little time you have to dress it properly, for which I recommend this book: http://www.amazon.com/Made-Stick-Ideas-Survive-Others/dp/1400064287 but there are free summaries online.
> I just assumed that the reader cares who I am and what I think. It might sound silly, but that really was an eye-opener.
It doesn't sound silly at all!
In fact, this is probably the single most common mistake that people make -- in all forms of interaction with others. We assume that people want to know what we are thinking, what we are doing, what we have done, etc. It is pretty much the basic bias that we all have.
This is also why the simplest hook in non-fiction is to show the reader how they are impacted by what you are discussing.
Of course, I should make it clear that this not the only approach. People read biographies all the time, and so you can get them to care about other people -- provided those other people are interesting. Or, even, perhaps the other person has a problem they find interesting or care about.
For example, another good hook that might draw the reader into a story is:
"I escaped death today."
Even though I don't really care about you yet, I might care that you were about to die. Though it is a bit salacious, it is something that people are interested in (see: rubbernecking at a car accident, where people have no idea who the people involved were, but care deeply about what happened to them).
Anyway, the point is you must make the reader care about what you are going to talk about. Same as in fiction, there are many ways to do this, but it might still be done well.
Regarding the more specific points, arguments, I am happy to discuss these further too!
>objectively most of technology couldn't be directly tied to violent motivation
I was using violence in the less common definition:
"strength of emotion or an unpleasant or destructive natural force."
I was also thinking about not just man v. man, but man v. nature, which I would maintain is the primary motivator for technological advancement.
The idea is that it is the survival instinct that provides for the 'curiosity' drive. However, the vast preponderance of 'curiosity' is linked to survival still.
Take your essay itself. By your own admission (if I am reading the story right), a major motivator for your thoughts was the idea that your survival was threatened, and could end at any given time. You then had to decide how you could live under such conditions, and this motivated the rest of the thought process. Thus, the 'curiosity' that you exhibited was inspired by a direct need to understand how one lives within a possible scenario.
Anyway, that is just my read on things.
>Yes, ultimately the simulation would be governed by the laws of physics but this places no direct limitations on computational complexity other than of course in regards to resource constraints which would impact performance, but not complexity. For example, a Turing machine can compute anything that is computable
A theoretical Turing machine can compute anything, but a real world one cannot.
The Second Law of Thermodynamics ensures that this is the case, but you can also explain it with computation as well.
If there is a finite amount of energy in a system, then their is also a finite amount of information. I am thinking of Shannon entropy at this stage, which appears to be the most direct linkage between energy and information.
Given a finite resource, if one were to compute anything, the computation would need to be reversible, as you could not afford to discard energy/information. Of course, a reversible computation requires three bits per computation (in terms of logic gates), and so this means that for every bit of information you wish to compute, you need three bits of information to compute it. (Here I am working from memory of The Feynman Lectures on Computation, which I read a while ago. I may have some details wrong, but the principle is the same).
The point here is thus, this: if we used all the energy (including mass energy) to store the computation, the simulation that results could only be approximately 1/3 as complex as the universe in which it is run, given the needs to run reversible computation.
Of course, you could get rid of the reversible requirement, but then this places a more fundamental limitation on the system, in terms of # of computations that could even be performed.
And, of course, reversible computation (at speeds less than infinitely slow) are also impossible, and so we run into the heat death problem anyway.
I think that is where I was coming from, when I said the simulation would, out of necessity, be simpler than the universe in which it was stored.
Anyway, I do hope that the all this is helpful. But even if it is not, at least it might be fun!
I would encourage you to keep writing stuff like this. This piece definitely shows that you have promise, you just need to practice the elements of writing non-fiction in a way that leverages the aspects of story telling to make it as engaging as possible.
I will be excited to see what else you write!
**
PS. I thought of some other books that I found useful, when I was first learning to write non-fiction.
[Tell it Slant](http://www.amazon.com/Tell-Slant-Writing-Creative-Nonfiction/dp/0072512784): A book more generally about how to write non-fiction (not just science-based non-fiction). It is more about how to weave a story, and leverage many of the basic tricks of literature/language to your advantage.
[Made to Stick](http://www.amazon.com/Made-Stick-Ideas-Survive-Others/dp/1400064287/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1463315481&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=made+to+stick): A book on marketing, but one that shows us how important it is to keep a message simple and engaging, if we want people to remember the message. And if you are writing non-fiction, remembering the message/information, is often the goal.
[Don't be such a scientist*](http://www.amazon.com/Dont-Be-Such-Scientist-Substance/dp/1597265632/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1463315517&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=don%27t+be+such+a+scientist): If you want to concentrate on science/technology writing, you will eventually run into the problem where you are giving too much technical detail and caveats. This will bog down the writing. This book shows why this is a problem, and why (many times) you will have to accept saying things that are not 100% correct, in service of the story/message you are trying to get across. I know this sounds crazy, but I am a firm believer in this now. If you write something that is 100% correct, but boring, no one will read it. You might not have even written it. If you right something where the core message is correct, but the details are not necessarily supported strongly, but it is engaging, this is more useful. It is hard to do this justice, without going through the entirety of this book, so I would just encourage you to read it.
great guide to viral/word of mouth communication skills/marketing: made to stick.
Here are all the books with amazon links, Alphabetical order :)
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You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay
Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender by David R. Hawkins M.D. Ph.D
Here's a book you might like. Maybe not what you're used to, but you said something is missing so why not try something new?
Go read Influence: Science and Practice to understand why so many people do the "us/we" thing...
Really they are to be pitied ... the poor things are just trying (desperately) to connect with something/anything that can give them a pseudo-self-esteem perception of success, however false or contrived or even non-existent their connection with it really is.
Basically the best response is to say (in your mind anyway, if you don't have the confidence/standing to say it out loud) something similar to what the OP's rage comic said... the whole "I'm not the one looking at other guy's arses in tight pants/shorts..." etc -- but rather than a voice of "rage" (which just plays into their game) -- to instead use a voice of humorous-pity (similar to the kind of voice one would use to say "well, that's nice dear" as praise for a 3 year old child who is proud of having make a "mud pie" or some scribble-drawing/finger-painting piece of "art" that looks like crap).
"Inlfuence" by Robert Cialdini
Take a look at the push and pull of the world around you.
http://www.amazon.com/Influence-Science-Practice-5th-Edition/dp/0205609996
"The Lord of The Rings" by JRR Tolkien
Every man should have ideals and legends to sustain him, and that's what these books have done for the men in my family.
George Orwell, you pick. His autobiographical stuff is plain heroic and brave. His fiction gives you a look at the 20th century and the way men treated each other in it.
Human rights has been outlined by the UN declaration on Human Rights. Holding a person accountable would not be against human rights since they've likely violated someone else's personal liberty.
Morality is subjective and goes through lengthy processes of trial and error. Every single moral system that derived itself from a book that couldn't change with modernity has utterly failed.
Human reciprocity is an innate social norm within the human species and anthropologists and psychologists find it is universal in humanity. For a source on that, if you're interested. Moreover, according to Psychoanalyst Erich Fromm's work on human behavior from his book, humans have an innate drive towards submission to an in-group. The in-group is arbitrary though. It could be religion, but it could also be the nation-state, an ideal, a social group they're part of, and so forth. So, for my argument, it should be human rights and the ability to freely challenge all beliefs with an emphasis on evidence-based research.
I'm personally of the opinion that the Abrahamic faiths are especially harmful, I use to believe ardently in religious tolerance and I had believed New Atheists to be extreme in their arguments about how religion poisons everything, but then ISIS being a second-generation of terrorists, Catholic rape scandals stretching as far back as the 1870s all the way to our modern times, numerous other Christian groups having their own decades history of rape crimes only revealed last year, Zionists and other Jewish extremists supporting horrible policies that abuse Palestinian children, the resurgence of Christian fascism with horribly abhorrent physical attacks on innocent Muslim and Sikh civilians throughout the US, and the horrifying lived experiences of Ex-Muslims in Islamic majority countries has convinced me to become a strong proponent of Anti-Theism insofar as supernatural beliefs are concerned. I think religious culture is fine; but the supernatural beliefs are dangerous for human rights and must be thoroughly questioned and repudiated with strong critiques. I view Free Speech as non-violent resistance for said purpose in defense of human rights for all.
Copywriting is all based on psychology. You are gently, pushing all the trigger points that makes humans act in the manner which you want them to act. You are using words that brings out their inner desires and then you channel that desire into the products that you are trying to sell.
This book is a great book to read: https://www.amazon.com/Influence-Practice-Robert-B-Cialdini/dp/0205609996/ref=sr_1_1?crid=1O0SWRP4XCVJ7&keywords=influence+robert+cialdini&qid=1570820644&sprefix=influence%2Caps%2C169&sr=8-1
it came to my attention for a while (went through this, which contains much less "science" than what the cover might lead you to believe), but found that there was nothing that I really needed that other people could provide, so I moved on to other things.
Friend, I don't normally recommend books to posters, but I'll make an exception here.
I read this book a few years ago and found it useful throughout my career. It's called "Influence" and it focuses on how to be persuasive. It may save you a lot of headaches in the future if you can learn today how to be influential tomorrow. Telling people to do something and using "because the CEO said to do it" is rarely going to make a positive impact.
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0205609996/ref=oh_aui_search_detailpage?ie=UTF8&amp;psc=1
Cheers!
I'm higher on some testing for ADHD. I have really good success with pink noise. Listen to it at a level where you can barely hear it.
Overall, take breaks when you need to. It sounds silly, but when you do go for a quick walk around the office, take a file folder with some papers in it. Again, it sounds cheesy, but it at least gives the impression that you're doing something instead of taking a quick break.
For me, I make a lot of lists and break everything down into ten minute chunks. It works for me, but its definitely not universal.
Fidget toys are ok, but also not perfect. I have a few fidget cubes and like them, but I find that they only work once in a while for the restlessness.
Overall, I've found that lists broken down into chunks works best. Get into the habit of just doing it.
Its worth checking out 'Solving the Procrastination Puzzle: A Concise Guide to Strategies for Change' by Timothy A. Pychyl.
Parli inglese?
https://www.amazon.it/Solving-Procrastination-Puzzle-Concise-Strategies/dp/0399168125
Tim Pylchyl is a leading researcher on procrastination. He has helped me a los. Here is a link to his "practical" book:
https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&amp;source=web&amp;rct=j&amp;url=https://www.amazon.es/Solving-Procrastination-Puzzle-Concise-Strategies/dp/0399168125&amp;ved=2ahUKEwjc6v3W2NLjAhXr6eAKHcTdBCAQFjAIegQIAxAC&amp;usg=AOvVaw3w28XGhRB1y9_MHr4Wuly8
You are just starting!!! Cling to small habit changes and sustain them.
Yeah I know, been there, done that.
Like i said, order Solving the Procrastination Puzzle: A Concise Guide to Strategies for Change, meanwhile install habitica, start drinking water, find some community for bonus kicks in the ass, and stop finding excuses :-)
oh and of course: start meditating :-D
(insight timer is a good app, plenty of free guided mediations, a basic course .. later you will use only the timer)
It's an effective way to deal with procrastination. Check out this book, definitely worth a read: http://www.amazon.com/Solving-Procrastination-Puzzle-Concise-Strategies/dp/0399168125/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1457316388&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=solving+the+procrastination+puzzle
Get his book then, for your own sake at least: https://www.amazon.com/Solving-Procrastination-Puzzle-Concise-Strategies/dp/0399168125
There are plenty of good procrastiantion recourses at /r/getdisiplined.
A good overview of procrastination: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mhFQA998WiA
Personally I have good experience using the tools from the book:
https://www.amazon.com/Solving-Procrastination-Puzzle-Concise-Strategies/dp/0399168125
For those interested his name is Dr. Tim Pychyl. I had to google images 'procrastination professor'. Here is a link to his book with decent reviews.
Archives for the links in comments:
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As an adendum, the Life Changing Manga of Tidying Up is a great addition to the original text, and a perfect starting point for those looking for a more entertaining way to learn about her principles.
https://www.amazon.com/Life-Changing-Manga-Tidying-Up-Magical/dp/0399580530
Ah, I suppose for me it has been a recent thing. I've not finished it yet, but I've been reading this book and it's taught me a lot about music and inspired me to approach it differently. It's an incredibly bizarre book too. Written by a really great bassist!
As tidesofblood88 said music is a language. This bit from Victor Wooten also speaks of music as a language, and elaborates a bit more on that. If you like what you hear in the clip, I'd recommend reading his book The Music Lesson. While it is a novel and a work of fiction(?), it provides a different way of looking at music, rather than looking at it from the POV of scale and theory.
Also, definitely check out this book by Victor Wooten
Most of the way through Victor Wooten's "The Music Lesson". Pretty good read that's also an easy one. His approach to music is interesting. Amazon
Quite appropriately, you aren't the only one to have that idea! Victor Wooten, one of the most respected musicians in the world right now, talks about that same principle of an aether of ideas in his book The Music Lesson.
I tend to agree with you, although I think the individual whom the idea inhabits has a very profound impact on the shape the idea takes-- thus you end up with Isaac Newton and Gottfried Leibniz independently discovering the nature of calculus and applying it to the world around them in completely different ways.
Of course that begs the question as to whether the number of ideas flying around is finite. Perhaps that is the case, but I don't think it matters-- as long as there are unique beings to interpret those ideas, we shall not want for perspective.
And with all that waxing philosophical out of the way, you should record some of those musical ideas! Sounds like you've got a knack for it, so why not pursue it?
I recognized this immediately! It is from the "Music Lesson" by Victor Wooten. It really is an amazing piece of literature for anyone who enjoys playing/listening to music.
Read this
I was at a similar mental place with playing music in general a few years ago and a friend recommended this book to me ---
it absolutely changed my life.
I've been reading a book called Brain over Binge by Kathryn Hansen off and on to start trying to deal with my eating issues. I've been finding it very helpful so far, she talks about how she got into these bingeing habits and how she would "purge" by spending hours and hours at the gym the next day trying to undo the damage. She also talks about how traditional therapy and exploring the idea that the bingeing was replacing something or was as a result of some unresolved trauma or emotion wasn't working. Then one day she was in the book store browsing the eating disorder books when she happened to decide to wander over to the addiction recovery section. She ended up picking up the book Rational Recovery by Jack Trimpey. She started reading it and things started clicking into place for her. As she was reading she would basically just replace the words alcohol or drugs with 'food' and it all still made sense. I haven't gotten much farther than that yet but she talks about how this book Rational Recovery explains how to basically stop your addiction very quickly basically by using mindfulness techniques and separating out your primitive, animalistic brain responsible for survival urges and where your addictive urges come from with the conscious, evolved human brain, the part of the mind for acting on those urges. She was explaining how it's important to realize there's a distinct difference between the two and that the animal part can't actually make you act on anything, that's the conscious mind, so you can choose to not act on those addictive urges instead of giving into them or even feeling like you have no control over them. She realized she had been basically just giving into the urges as a way to alleviate the upsetting and uncomfortable feelings they were causing.
I think I might give Rational Recovery a try after I finish Brain Over Binge.
I used to believe that addiction is a disease, but reading this book changed my mind.
I strongly encourage you to check out Rational Recovery, by Jack Trimpey. I quit drinking the day I read this book, and I’ve been alcohol-free ever since.
The book teaches a skill called AVRT: “Addictive Voice Recognition Technique.”
It also contains a chapter on “How to Help an Addicted Family Member.” If you want a sample of the chapter, I’ll actually type it out for you here. Shit, I might just type it out & message it to you (later tonight) whether you like it or not. You gotta read it.
Or you could just buy the book. Read it, or start reading it to see what it’s all about, and then maybe encourage your S.O. to check it out.
Hey so it seems you are kind of new to recovery. I have been to rehab 5 times over the years. Over time it moved more towards cognitive recovery. In fact the last rehab was totally cognitive.
You should look at rational recovery. it might be a good fit for you. [Rational Recovery: The new cure for substance addiction] (https://www.amazon.com/Rational-Recovery-Cure-Substance-Addiction/dp/0671528580/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1522339718&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=rational+recovery&amp;dpID=51y4eFxq6QL&amp;preST=_SY344_BO1,204,203,200_QL70_&amp;dpSrc=srch)
You will be really surprised at some of the angles it looks at. Especially the addictive treatment industry. And author is straight up anti AA.
I like AA because otherwise I am alone in this.
YOu have family and you have people that you are accountable to. Being accountable is a must in recovery.
This is another very good book and it is written for people early in recovery. It has some humor in it.
(Don't Let the Bastards Grind You Down: 50 Things Every Alcoholic and Addict in Early Recovery Should Know) [https://www.amazon.com/Don%C2%92t-Let-Bastards-Grind-Down/dp/0981708803/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1522341799&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=don%27t+let+the+bastards+grind+you+down&amp;dpID=51DnBBtqC7L&amp;preST=_SY291_BO1,204,203,200_QL40_&amp;dpSrc=srch]
Whatever you do, just do something. If you are really an alcoholic, it WILL progress and you will lose everything.
Ain't no mother fucker here gonna challenge me on that.
much love
What to Say When you Talk To Yourself by Shad Helmstetter
https://www.amazon.com/What-Say-When-Talk-Yourself/dp/0671708821/ref=cm_cr_arp_d_pdt_img_top?ie=UTF8
Love that you read the book! Here's a link if anyone is looking for it :) https://www.amazon.com/What-Say-When-Talk-Yourself/dp/0671708821 WARNING it's cheesy as hell but it works.
I would say that we're always open to be acquired...we've turned opportunities down, we've had deals blow up in our face, AND we actually did sell BuluMarketplace.com :)
The answer is that the goal is to grow profitably and create value for all parties and if an acquisition is an option, we'll look at it if it comes along...I would say that I was probably "programming" myself incorrectly talking "acquisition, acquisition, acquisition" all the time because your decisions are based on that end goal. So, yea, we'd sell but we're just building a great company that makes real money right now :)
More than 20 years ago, I read a self help book that eventually changed my life. "What to say when you talk to yourself". I used the examples in the book to make a self tape. One that expressed myself as who (how) I would like to be, as if it had already happened. "I am, I always, My health is ..., etc" The tape is about 20 minutes long. I've since converted it to MP3. I never changed a single word. I am what I am, a completely different person. I listen to it at least daily mostly because it is different from other books because it is the coach that never leaves.
I recommend it highly. Read the reviews on Amazon.
Tldr first; You will stop caring (mostly) about what others think when you realize all that matters is what you think of yourself. everything after that is optional. It takes training of the mind as old habits like these never completely go away. you just learn to make that voice a lot quieter and when it does squawk you recognize it and shut it down. You will listen to the voices of the people you respect so figure out how to respect yourself first and foremost. I know first hand you can bounce back from dark places if you are willing to put in the effort. If you want to know about how I got this life experience read on and feel free to message me if you have any questions.
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I used to have anxiety attacks in junior high/ high school over what other people thought of me. It was crippling. Fortunately, It was brought to my attention that this wasn't normal and I was eventually diagnosed with a form of depression called Dysthymia.
http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/persistent-depressive-disorder/home/ovc-20166590
It took a lot of trial and error but I found a great therapist and have learned how to be happy despite my depression which I can assure you is still with me today. Part of that therapy was being forced to interact with random people. She would have me meet for "field trips" to grocery stores and such and encourage me to talk to people about anything. I was not comfortable interacting with strangers in the least but I knew I had to try if I wanted to change.
Side note, therapy is useless if you aren't willing to commit. Therapy isn't about a therapist fixing you it is about them helping you fix yourself. I highly recommend it. Also, not all therapists are alike so it might take a few tries. It took me 3 tries over many years before I found someone I worked well with.
It's hard to say the exact moment or the exact method because it's an epiphany. It is a moment where thoughts finally click in your brain into something of meaning for you and you alone.
It was a realization that nobody cares and I will most likely never see these strangers again in my lifetime. There is no negative connotation with "nobody cares". It simply means I had no real impact on them whatsoever unless I wanted to.
Back in school I had convinced myself I was broken. More than that, I was a thorn in the side of the universe. A bug in the code. Merely by existing I was hurting the people around me. My head was not in a good place and it happened so slowly I never noticed.
I found this book helpful so maybe you will too: https://www.amazon.com/What-Say-When-Talk-Yourself/dp/0671708821/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1473476252&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=what+to+say+when+you+talk+to+yourself
Sorry if this got too long. It's a deep subject for me and I find it hard to keep it concise.
I was gonna suggest the same as iwbafam1...
READ THAT BOOK. I just finished it last month and working on creating my own self-talk audio, which is different than affirmations. And it's only 5 bucks.
http://www.amazon.com/What-Say-When-Talk-Yourself/dp/0671708821
>I observed that I'm the most productive when I'm happy. I scratch my itches to feel happy, but that just makes it worst. So I guess the question is what could I do to be happy, so I can be (more) productive?
Scratching those itches will only make you happy in the short-term. It sounds to me like "positive self-talk" might be a good thing to look into. The idea is that, all day every day, we're in a sort of conversation with ourselves. We often judge ourselves harshly and think negative thoughts about ourselves, and that creates a lot of anxiety. Through that negative thinking, we can convince ourselves that we can't accomplish the things we want to accomplish. And, the other big idea here, is that it's possible to take control of that inner conversation and teach yourself instead to be calmer and more confident.
My mother struggled with depression and found a lot of help in this book: https://www.amazon.com/What-Say-When-Talk-Yourself/dp/0671708821. But there's lots and lots of links out there if you can't/don't want to buy a book. Just Google positive self-talk. I also have a lot of anxiety about my career, which I am just starting out on. When I find myself anxious and thinking that I'm not good at it, I tell myself instead that I can learn.
Like anything else, negative thinking is a habit, and like any other habit, it can be fixed. I've quit my own share of bad habits (including an obsessive and unhealthy writing habit--violence in my case) and I also have a bunch more bad habits that I really need to quit. My advice in that regard is to take one thing at a time. If you try to quit every bad habit at once you'll get overwhelmed. So I picked one, the one that bothered me most. For me it was my writing. I wiped my hard drive and threw away my notebooks. I let myself have the other things, which were in my case chocolate and gaming. The cravings for the writing eventually went away, and then I tackled the next thing on my list. And I don't feel that it's necessary to cut out all my bad habits completely forever. It's possible to play video games and eat chocolate healthily. A few games with friends in the evening after a day of work is not a problem, which is where I'm at now with my video games. A piece of chocolate cake at a birthday party is not a problem. They are only problems when they become obsessive and interfere with the other parts of your life. The writing I could never make peace with--I can't seem to do that in a healthy way so I don't do it at all. I know a few people who are that way with games. But perhaps you can tame some of your cravings without eliminating them completely.
Another thing to note is that exercise is helpful when you're stressed. When you get anxious, try to take a walk before you do anything else (indulge in any cravings or do any more work) and try to walk off some of the nerves.
Check this out. It may give you a different perspective on your concerns. https://www.amazon.com/What-Say-When-Talk-Yourself/dp/0671708821
"Read aloud Self-Talk cards daily for 5 minutes"
I find this practice to be invaluable for my mental health and well-being. Lacking motivation? Feeling blergh? Not focused? Read aloud positive self-talk cards for five minutes to yourself in the mirror. Holy CRAP does it rev up your whole day.
I am definitely doing this card again because I want the lifetime unbreakable habit. Only change I'm going to make is doing these in the morning because it affects the course of the entire day.
For more information on Self-Talk:
The Self-Talk Solution (my favorite)
What to Say When You Talk to Yourself
I just heard extremely good things about this one but haven't had a chance to check it out for myself: [What To Say When You Talk To Your Self] (https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0671708821)
The cover looks like typical self-help cheese, but apparently it's really held up over time.
The book "Procrastination: Why you do it, what to do about it now" is really, really good. What you are describing is the fear of failure, but that's only one possible fear. There's also the fear of success, fear of intimacy and fear of being alone and the struggle for control/autonomy, all of which can play a role in procrastination as strong as the fear of failure. The book describes all of these very, very well, and is written by two Psychology Ph.Ds, not a self-help guru or what not.
I've never read your book so I can't compare, but I can tell you that there are many strong fears beyond fear of failure that are incapacitating and lead to procrastination as a strategy to minimize expected pain. A lot of people procrastinate on easy things which take time but not really any skill, so fear of failure isn't an adequate explanation. A student might procrastinate on doing some straightforward math homework because of a fight for autonomy with his parents, or because he fears that if he starts doing just 30 mins of homework a night it'll somehow lead to him doing 5 hours a night and having no social life (fear of success). Or he might be afraid that his friends will think he's too smart and better than them, and they will make fun of him and not want to be his friend anymore (fear of being alone), or he might think that if he does well other people might actually start to like him as he improves his life, and he won't be able to be on his own and in his own mind any longer, as he'll constantly have to spend time with his new friends (fear of intimacy).
Procrastination - Why You Do It, What to Do About It Now!
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Procrastination-Why-You-What-About/dp/0738211702
Honestly, I bought this book.
http://www.amazon.com/Procrastination-Why-You-What-About/dp/0738211702/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1300839436&amp;sr=8-1
Been on my bookshelf for years, still unread.
This is one of the best things I've read in a long time. You've crystallized an inkling I've had for a long time but couldn't quite put into words -- certainly not words this cogent and accurate.
So, THANKS!!
For people who want to read more about this: check out this amazing book:
http://www.amazon.com/Procrastination-Why-You-What-About/dp/0738211702
THIS BOOK has helped me out TREMENDOUSLY.
Why does your experience mirror mine and so many others? Because moronism is a cult. It's very similar in scientology, jehovah's witness, seventh day adventist, fundamentalist christian churches, etc. This book helped me find understanding and much later peace. http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0967068819/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_dp_ss_2?pf_rd_p=1944687582&amp;pf_rd_s=lpo-top-stripe-1&amp;pf_rd_t=201&amp;pf_rd_i=0967068800&amp;pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&amp;pf_rd_r=02N0ZFYZNWWWM33FS3RN
This one? https://www.amazon.com/Miracle-Morning-Not-So-Obvious-Guaranteed-Transform/dp/0979019710
That's awesome! If you want some extra motivation, I HIGHLY suggest reading The Miracle Morning. The author talks about how his motivation was started by getting up and running in the morning.
Here's the link, worth the read for sure...or get the audio book and listen to it while your run ;)
http://www.amazon.com/Miracle-Morning-Not-So-Obvious-Guaranteed-Transform/dp/0979019710/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1462543489&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=miracle+morning
($2 for the audio version)
the 10X Rule by Grant Cardone (https://www.amazon.com/10X-Rule-Difference-Between-Success/dp/B005DGW34C) is almost exactly what I am saying in this conversation.
The One Thing by Gary Keller and Jay Papasan (https://www.amazon.com/ONE-Thing-Surprisingly-Extraordinary-Results/dp/1885167776) is a good one for how to achieve massive results, I feel like it also mentions why you should always set larger goals than you THINK you can accomplish.
The Miracle Morning by Hal Erod (https://www.amazon.com/Miracle-Morning-Not-So-Obvious-Guaranteed-Transform/dp/0979019710) is a decent one that touches on the concept but is more about motivation and structuring your day for success and things like that.
If I think of any others and remember, I'll come drop them here, need to go look at my bookshelf / todo list of books when I get home :)
Tons of books (honestly almost every success or wealth book I've ever read) talk about changing your mindset from "I cant" to "How can I" - Rich Dad Poor Dad and Think and Grow Rich come to mind.
The Miracle Morning is a goodie. It really covers every habit / theme that this subreddit recommends on the reg, but the way he really sells you these habits helps the most.
There's quite a good book all about getting up in the morning called "The Miracle Morning" which helped me a lot. I've included the links at the bottom.
Basically, it teaches a routine called S.A.V.E.R.S., which is 10 minutes of each of these:
Silence (Meditation)
Affirmation
Visualization
Exercise
Reading
Scribing (Journalling)
Doesn't have to be in that order, but the "S.A.V.E.R.S." thing helps you to remember it.
One of the best lessons I learnt from it was that if you're having an issue of continually hitting the snooze button in the morning, then you probably hate waking up in the morning. So why do it multiple times every morning instead of just doing it once and getting up. Hope that's useful to someone.
http://www.amazon.com/Miracle-Morning-Not-So-Obvious-Guaranteed-Transform/dp/0979019710/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1458498898&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=miracle+morning
Or the Audible version, which you can get with a free trial:
http://www.audible.com/pd/Self-Development/The-Miracle-Morning-Audiobook/B00CLCNROG/ref=a_search_c4_1_1_srTtl?qid=1458498993&amp;sr=1-1
Read this book http://www.amazon.com/The-Miracle-Morning-Not-So-Obvious-Guaranteed/dp/0979019710#customerReviews and start doing "Miracle Morning" -routine every day.
amazon dot com/dp/0979019710/
That book?
Made to Stick is a great marketing book: http://www.amazon.com/Made-Stick-Ideas-Survive-Others/dp/1400064287
I used to read all kinds of fiction but over the years I have switched to non-fiction almost exclusively. I enjoy reading textbooks more than about anything (how I wish I had that desire when I was in high school!)
The following books are three of the most enlightening books I have read in the past few years.
Honorable mentions include:
Freakonomics, :59 Seconds, The Wisdom of Crowds, Taken Into Custody, Griftopia, The Shock Doctrine, Everything Bad is Good for You, and (probably the most scary book I have ever read) The Coming Plague: Newly Emerging Diseases In A World Out Of Balance
If you like reading btw, here's my top list for teaching yourself marketing:
My favorite marketing book: https://www.amazon.com/Being-Direct-Making-Advertising-Pay/dp/0394540638
Best for creative ad strategy: https://www.amazon.com/Made-Stick-Ideas-Survive-Others/dp/1400064287
Two really good ones on branding: https://www.amazon.com/22-Immutable-Laws-Branding/dp/0060007737, https://www.amazon.com/Positioning-Battle-Your-Al-Ries/dp/0071373586/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_14_img_1?_encoding=UTF8&amp;psc=1&amp;refRID=SAK252T4836CY0G4XYGD
A classic on inbound marketing (not paid media): https://www.amazon.com/Inbound-Marketing-Found-Google-Social/dp/0470499311
Good guide to Facebook advertising: https://adespresso.com/academy/guides/facebook-ads-beginner/
This is more branding than advertising, but it works on the same principles.
http://www.amazon.com/Made-Stick-Ideas-Survive-Others/dp/1400064287
Made to Stick by Dan and Chip Heath has informed my work as a content marketer more times than I care to count. There other work is also great, but this one is my manifesto.
Hit Makers: The Science of Popularity in an Age of Distraction by Derek Thompson is newer and might not be on many folk's radar. In the vein of Tipping Point and Made to Stick, Thompson writes a fascinating story of how culture happens and why things become popular.
I recommend reading the book Made to Stick
https://www.amazon.com/dp/1400064287/ref=cm_sw_r_awd_DZjNwb9X2TEXC
It's about making your ideas and communication more "sticky" (memorable).
It lays out core principles to do this, these being:
You only mentioned the storytelling part here, but all of the concepts would help make you a more engaging and interesting communicator.
Made to Stick and Perfect Pitch are two books about presentations/selling that I've found particularly helpful.
Sorry, formatting. It's three books
http://www.amazon.ca/SPIN-Selling-Neil-Rackham/dp/0070511136
http://www.amazon.ca/Made-Stick-Ideas-Survive-Others/dp/1400064287/ref=pd_bxgy_b_img_y
http://www.amazon.ca/Ziglar-Selling-Zig/dp/0785288937/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&amp;sr=1-9&amp;qid=1426803718
Made to Stick by Chip and Dan Heath
It changed my life.
Hey man, I want to recommend you a book.
Letting Go: The Pathway To Surrender by David R. Hawking
It's not to say this book will cure you, but it can be a good supplement to your therapy sessions.
I've been going through the same conflicts of self-consciousness for years, and this book has helped me start to peel back the layers of emotions that keep my anxiety on high. It does a good job of explaining what is the probable cause of your trauma and what you can do to decrease the emotional strain. I was recommended this from another sub, figured I'd pass the healing along.
Cheers!
Letting Go
Is it [Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender] (https://www.amazon.com/dp/1401945015/) or [Pathways To Surrender] (https://www.amazon.com/dp/1500514861/)?
"Letting Go" by David Hawkins
Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender https://www.amazon.com/dp/1401945015/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_ym9KBb6ZG52Z4
My psychiatrist has me on Prozac, Buspar, and Lamictal. We're still getting the dosage figured out (I've only been on medication since July), but I'm seeing great improvements.
EDIT: I thought I'd go ahead and add that the techniques in Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender by Dr. David R. Hawkins have really helped me a lot, and might be worth a read while you wait for your appointment.
For real! Read letting Go by david r. hakwins!
&#x200B;
Everybody should read this book.
https://www.amazon.de/Letting-Surrender-M-D-David-Hawkins/dp/1401945015/ref=sr_1_3?__mk_de_DE=%C3%85M%C3%85%C5%BD%C3%95%C3%91&keywords=david+r+hawkins+letting+go&qid=1573483023&sr=8-3
Hey Buddy, Sounds like you are having a hard time. Your situation sounds very similar to what mine used to be. The truth is, getting better "on your own" is basically impossible. No matter how much you want to beat this on your own, it's just not going to be possible. Use your friends as a starting point. Tell them about your problems, that you are feeling down. If they are good friends, then they will be there for you. And if they... well... start to judge you. Then Fuck them! Depression thrives on Isolation imo, the more you are on your own the worse it gets. Go outside, socialise, see people. Sometimes Professional help is not always the answer, at the end of the day your therapist will eventually deem it to be YOUR Choice.
Depression can be like an abandoned prison that you are locked inside off. You spend years and years in your cell without thinking to try the cell door because... well... your in a prison! One day you decide to try it, and by your astonishment it's open! All this time, only difficulty is finding this door :) Good luck, I wish you the best!
EDIT: Read this book It has taught me allot
That's the best question I have ever read.
I would try that: https://www.amazon.com/Letting-David-Hawkins-M-D-Ph-D/dp/1401945015/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1429623679&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=letting+go
Or a friend's advice "drink progressively less while trying to maintain the same state with each sip you don't take".
The book letting go is fantastic for this, I would see it's even more powerful than ACIM for me compliments it quite nicely. https://www.amazon.com/Letting-David-Hawkins-M-D-Ph-D/dp/1401945015
I think this book can really help you to heal and get back on track. It certainly helped with my guilt, shame and anger issues. Letting Go
If you ever want to discuss the book just message me. Good luck!
Read this shit:
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1401945015/ref=tmm_pap_title_0?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=&amp;sr=
I used to hurt myself when I'm depressed. Punching walls/myself and stuff, bruised my fists real bad. Then I learned to be constructive rather than destructive with my hands. Write, draw, paint, cook, whatever. To deal with being depressed, I also started reading a book recently. It's called "The Power of Now". It sounds cheesy and just-another-self-help-book and stuff. But it did help me.
I've had about as much sleep as you lately so I'm going to point you to http://altmedicine.about.com/cs/mindbody/a/Meditation.htm, http://www.drdansiegel.com/books/the_mindful_brain/ and http://www.amazon.com/Power-Now-Guide-Spiritual-Enlightenment/dp/1577311523.
What you described reminded me of something I read in one of the two books. Since I read them back to back, I don't remember which one.
I have read many, but this is the best so far The Power of Now.
well. i am a controlling guy, i have done all this, and continue to. I also meditate and am conscious of what i am doing, therefore, i have been able to watch myself do these things and mentally break them down in an attempt to understand why and to create a better environment in my psych, and be a better boyfriend(because believe it or not, he cant help it, and if he knows hes doing it, he feels bad). for me it is an interpersonal thing attached to a fear of change, as weird as that sounds. He probably doesn't want to have to deal with the prospect of loosing you, so he wants to cover all his basis. he is probably intellectual, and his brain runs quick making him paranoid and aware in situations about things that although are in the realm of possibility, are highly unlikely, therefore the unlikely things are still covered(with control - his mechanism, mine to) due to his fear of change. its quite essentially an over sensitivity to a coverup of insecurity, feeling as though that insecurity will push you away bringing on the change that is feared. so what to do? well you have two options - 1, devote your life to him and live esoterically, only live for you and for him and have no friends. that will surely make him less paranoid. however, this is not really a rational idea. so my best advice, introduce him to mediation and yoga. doing this will make him highly conscious if done properly, and if he takes to it. his entire well being will increase and he will have no choice but to observe himself, from a 3rd person view, in his daily life, he knows what is right and what is wrong, so when he is being controlling we will be conscious of it and a transformation will occur. You are not the problem, he is, and until he comes to terms with the insecurities he has locked up, he will forever try to control a situation to keep it as far away from what makes him insecure(in my opinion, change, the prospect of you moving on and not loving him anymore). I could keep typing for the next ten hours and exhaust all my thoughts, but that's a bit to much, from what im learning at this present time with the issue, is that i am 100% guilty of it and that there needs to be an aware presence that is observing while the behavior is happening without making an attempt to change it. he need to watch(be conscious of-) the behavior before it can be broken down and troubleshooted, the quickest way, in my opinion, to consciousness, is meditation. read this book, then get him to read it as well, you don't even have to bring up the problem, this will get him thinking the way u want him to and he will face the problem when its time.
http://www.amazon.com/Power-Now-Guide-Spiritual-Enlightenment/dp/1577311523
(forget the whole spiritual enlightenment crap in the title, thats to appeal to the 40yr old soccer moms, this book is straight up - the essence of what zen meditation teaches)
i hope this helps, feel free to pm me with any question that i may be of further assistance with. have a beautiful day, live love and love life.
Read me. Click here.
Besides the general benefits of being more relaxed, centered and having a better sense of self, mindful meditation helps to train your mind to let go of past events and regrets you can't change and let go of future events you have no control over. It doesn't mean you don't plan for the future but it helps you to live in, and enjoy the present moment while you do it, or whatever.
A lot of people start with this: Mindfulness in Plain English
And then perhaps: Ekhart Tolle: The Power of Now
And of course: /r/meditation
>What is "reaching the subconscious"?. Is this a one on one conversation with it? Can you describe it in a meaningful way?
You can think of it as a kind of training that uses operant conditioning. I'll present a simple example.
>Philippians 4 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
>8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
When a Christian experiences anxiety, the trained response is to pray to God. This prayer is structured. First, we invoke gratitude within our minds. You have to think of something that you are thankful for. It can be as abstract as thanking God for the relationship that you have with Him or as specific as thanking God for the beautiful weather, or the meal that you're about to receive. Whatever it is you focus and find that feeling of warmth in your chest. This is by the way, really important anytime you pray. Then you go over in your prayer what is bothering you. The act of talking out your problems to God forces you to take a step back from them, which is helpful in itself. You then "give" the problem to God. This is well understood in Christian circles, but I'm not sure I could explain to non-believers. If you don't have the concept of a loving God firmly implanted in your mind, a lot of faith and stepping outside of a comfort zone would be needed. Then you invoke the meditative peace that comes along with prayer. The best way I have to explain this feeling to a non-believer would be The Power of Now. Once in that peace, you think about good and praiseworthy things which will then replace the worries that are on your mind. While it takes some effort, I've used this many times to clear bouts of anxiety.
>>For anyone that suffers from an unruly subconscious, or anyone that has ever struggled to modify their own behavior or mood, I believe that religious practice contains some of the best known mechanisms for intervention.
>Well, support that belief with something. Do you have any comparative studies?
Religious inspiration of AA. AA Literature Review. Project MATCH Results. Buddhist Aspect of DBT, Effectiveness of DBT. An article on research in meditation.
>I don't doubt that, but that doesn't mean it will lead you to what is 1) True and 2) Best for you. I'm sure we can both come up with examples, both good and bad, of where emotional influences lead you to. At least being rational can lead you to what is, with the best information available, true.
I agree. Morality and rationality must guide religious development. Absent those things, religion can be quite dangerous.
>Well great, you've described yourself as a subdued psychopath. If you lose your practices what are you going to go do?
I'm a diagnosed borderline. I have dealt with severe chronic depression, suicidal thoughts and self harm for most of my life. There is no rational protection from such things due to the strength of my deathwish. Rationality, unfortunately, can only channel desire, it cannot tell you what to desire. It's just as easy to rationally justify suicide as it is to justify living, actually a bit easier. Religion is the only effective defense I have found against it. The desire itself is irrational and must be countered with something inherently irrational.
>The only thing your post serves to prove is that people can be persuaded by emotions and rituals into doing things, which isn't anything I disagree with, but I hope you agree that people can be persuaded to do anything with the right stimuli, thus it's a tool for morality/immorality depending on who is controlling it.
I agree completely.
>Rationality is harder and less intuitive for human beings, it's something that takes time to learn unlike primal instincts, but it has the capability to be the best thing we can achieve. We should be encouraging trying harder, not giving up.
The problem is that rationality is insufficient for morality. Morality is rooted in the irrational value system of human beings. A means for manipulating these value systems is useful and myth and religion are the only tools I know. I believe that this view is perfectly consistent with rationality and that an aversion to this aspect of human existence is irrational.
I'm not a big expert myself, but yeah, it seems to me that here in the west we focus on the exteriority and kind of abandon our inner development, while in the east it's opposite, (it's a great generalization of course) so I try to take the best of both worlds to my life.
eastern thinking is a very vast term, there are so many different religions and currents (though I guess from our standpoint they are not so different :) ). I guess what unify them is that they all agree a man has higher potential that he can reach in this life, and through a spiritual path can attain "Enlightenment" (and until we attain it we basically live in misery) What I am stressing (and correct me if i'm wrong) is that their theory seems to align with your experience as your current life makes you miserable.
Anyway if you're interested there is this very good book "The power of now", have you heard of it?
here a nice review by the all mighty Steve Pavlina: (more of how reading the book changes one's life).
http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2006/05/the-power-of-now/
the book:
http://www.amazon.com/The-Power-Now-Spiritual-Enlightenment/dp/1577311523
Sry about all the links and public relations, I just want to make sure that the decision you will decide to take is as aware of it self as can be!
So to summarize my understanding: right now, as an average human being, you ARE you thoughts, in a sense that you identify with them 100%. you are sure (as it is the default option and you are doing it for so long) that what you think is the reality, and as the mind have this tendency to gravitate towards negative thoughts, the reality you perceive is a quite evil.
but through attention and awareness - watching yourself, watching your thoughts etc. you can come to a very strong realization: what you think is just imagination, all your thoughts are created in this imaginary dimension, inside the mind, and at their best are only approximation of the reality (like the relation between a good movie and reality) but usually have zero objective truth in them. When you realize this you stop taking seriously everything you think and your emotional attachment to your thoughts decrease dramatically. when you stop thinking and worrying all the time you realize that to just "be", to just be aware of your sensory data, is quite fulfilling and satisfying and you are quite happy, and doing things you enjoy become much more fun - like singing with you favorite song, hiking, or eating delicious food becomes very satisfying. And that just the start...
of course it takes time and it takes effort but the payoff is infinite
So that is my experience, hopefully I don't bore you too much, GL!
This book did it all for me. You can get it on amazon or find it in any library.
haven't read it yet but Power of Now
I'm reading an amazing book at the moment that might help http://www.amazon.com/Power-Now-Guide-Spiritual-Enlightenment/dp/1577311523
It doesn't directly address this problem, but it really stops making you worry or ask why or get angry about things. It makes doing easier.
Hope this helps......
Your ego is killing you. Read this, take notes, and come back when you're done:
Ego is the Enemy by Ryan Holiday
> I feel unwanted, unloved, replaceable.
You have to learn to accept yourself before anyone else in the world will give a shit about you. If you think you're weak, unlovable, worthless... well, why would anyone disagree? I'm not going to lie, it is a long and agonizingly difficult process to accept yourself for who you are without reservations. But it's the only way out of that black hole of self-loathing. Another book that can set you on the right path:
Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach
Start With Why [Simon Sinek]
48 Laws of Power [Robert Greene] (33 Strategies of War, Art of Seduction)
The 50th Law [Curtis James Jackson]
Tipping Point:How Little Things Can Make a Difference and Outliers: The story of Succes [Malcolm Gladwell]
The Obstacle is the Way, Ego is the Enemy [Ryan Holiday] (stoicism)
[Tim Ferris] (actually haven't read any of his books, but seems to know a way to use social media, podcast, youtube)
Get an understanding to finance, economics, marketing, investing [Graham, Buffet], philosophy [Jordan Peterson]
I like to think us/you/business is about personal development, consciousness, observing recognizable patterns in human behavior and historical significance. It's an understanding of vast areas of subjects that connect and intertwine then returns back to the first book you’ve read (Start with Why) and learn what you've read past to present. Business is spectacular, so is golf.
To Add:
Irrationally Predictable:The Hidden Forces that Shape Our Decisions - [Dan Ariely] (marketing)
The Hard Things About Hard Things - [Ben Horowitz] (business management)
Black Privilege: Opportunity Comes to Those Who Create It - [Charlamagne Tha God] (motivation)
The Lean Startup: Use Continuous Innovation to Create Radically Successful Businesses - [Eric Ries]
Zero to One: Notes on Startups, How to Build the Future - [Peter Theil]
Right on! Glad you like it. I really enjoy Aubrey Marcus's podcast and I take away a lot of life lessons from him and his guests. I have not heard the Shane Mauss episode yet, but I have now downloaded it and will check it out tomorrow.
Knowing that you liked that podcast... I would definitely recommend his podcast(s) with Ryan Holliday. He's written such books as Ego is the Enemy and the Daily Stoic and he is a really knowledgeable guy.
You should also check out the live DTFH podcast with Aubrey and Duncan that they did in NY back in January.
Lastly, if you've never checked out Aubrey on JRE, I'd go back and listen to all of those. He's probably been on there 6 or 7 times, and 90% of those are after he's returned from Peru and is essentially giving trip reports after spending days in the jungle doing Ayahuasca, Huachuma, Ibogaine etc...
I haven't listened to the Burning Man episode since it was first released, so I'm not sure about the "wind up toy" but I was planning on re-listening to it this week. So if it rings any bells, I'll definitely let you know.
Hope these recommendations help!
The quote is from Ego Is the Enemy.
LOVE IT
(I was just going to leave a quick comment and then...well...theres a lot here haha)
This is exactly why I do what I do every single day. I teach 8th grade science in a title 1 NYC school. Priority for me is helping my students become the best version of them as I make the journey myself. I think that age group is ideal for teaching these concepts as they haven't figured out what type of people to be yet or how to get to be that type of people. My content is the tool I use to give them the perspective they need. I get to do genetics/evolution/physics/space/human impact...lets me cover everything about living well.
I happen to have started around 24 and now that I'm 26 and pretty confident in what I've learned and actually done, I share with as many people as I can. I'm lucky enough to teach with my best friend AND get the same 3 classes he does. We've been tag teaming our kids with personal growth materials and speeches and all sorts of things this year....and it's making a noticeable difference in them.
These are a few of my recent reads that I think carry important lessons and then a link to my actual webpage that I put together so I can share and help regular people. I'm in the process of building one dedicated to my students so they have somewhere to go for answers and encouragement as they age. I don't expose my students to these sources of information, I just absorb and integrate it into what I teach.
Good luck! And keep it up! We need more real teachers, it's not about memorizing facts it's about becoming human.
[The Celestine Prophecy: An Adventure] (https://www.amazon.com/dp/0446671002/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_986UAbV1ES609)
[Ego Is the Enemy] (https://www.amazon.com/dp/1591847818/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_.96UAbDFHSW0S)
[The Obstacle Is the Way: The Timeless Art of Turning Trials into Triumph] (https://www.amazon.com/dp/1591846358/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_W-6UAbZ3NTY0A)
My own webpage [Earthling Healing] (https://sites.google.com/view/earthlinghealing/personal-growth?authuser=0)
Ok /u/ACfireandiceDC, here goes:
I was diagnosed ADD a few years back after I read an account of someone describing their ADD symptoms on a Humans of New York post, of all things.
I read their life story and thought, shit, this sounds awfully relateable.
As soon as I was diagnosed, it became obvious I'd suffered since I was a child, and in-fact my Dad had, too - ADD is often genetic.
In being diagnosed, I was able to start better understanding why I acted in certain ways, and therefore able to start deploying strategies to navigate the challenges I faced.
This included starting on medication, initially Ritalin, but at this stage, I take Dextroamphetamine as I find it's much kinder to me later in the day during the 'crash' associated with amphetamine stimulant meds (note: the effects are entirely personal and vary greatly from person to person).
With hindsight, it's now obvious to me that ADD, and many other similar 'labels' are a general attempt to describe a group of symptoms that can range wildly from diagnosee to diagnosee - what I'm trying to say is that similar to Autism, I believe ADD and other similar disorders are sub-sets of a spectrum.
In my case, and by that I mean my individual 'genetic' traits which are associated with ADD, I suffer from the following things:
There are probably a few more I could squeeze in, but for the most part that's my slice of cake.
Now, at this stage of the game, a few years into the diagnosis, I've spent much time and effort reading books, studies, anecdotes and so forth which have lead me to some interesting conclusions (that I have no doubt will continue to evolve):
Overall, I think most of my symptoms are a manifestation of a type of anxiety, not dissimilar to what I imagine you experience with OCD.
As a designer, if I can't get something 100% spot on within my own idea of 'perfect', I'll quickly end up grinding to a halt and giving up.
Likewise, if I mess up a deadline early on, I'll lose all ability to continue, instead, becoming stuck in a bottomless pit of self-loathing and procrastination.
My point is, I can trace most of my symptoms back to this type of 'anxiety'.
I think, in many ways, this stems back to a conflict between my self-image and the reality of productivity requiring the suspension of 'perfection' in order to get things done.
What I mean is: in my head, I want everything I do to be perfect because my ego constantly tells itself that it's special and unlike everyone else - when I look around, I see everyone elses work that seems mediocore and average, and I 'know' that I am capable of so much better, but then when I am working on something, as soon as I faulter and begin to struggle to get it 'just right', I am no longer capable of working and the procastination sets in - perhaps just a sub-conscious defense mechanism against the realisation that I, too, am mortal, and not as 'perfect' as my ego so desperately needs me to be - a form of cognitive disonance.
As a side note, I've often wondered if this insecurity stemmed from my parents, or perhaps from bullying during my formative years - a question I fully intend on getting to the bottom of as soon as I can afford to see a professional.
With this realisation under my belt, I've slowly but surely been able to make great strides in the last few months towards something that finally seems like an effective counter-attack.
When starting a big project, I let myself spend hours, if not days, engrossing myself in the details and getting comfortable with the task set out before me. I find this helps silence many of the 'voices' (metaphorical) before they have a chance to bring me down and derail the train.
The aim is to understand what I need to do, how I'm going to do it, and importantly, that I can do it, alongside a light but constant reminder that I need to focus on finishing something over lower quality rather than giving up on something nearer to perfection (in my industry, a common phrase is 'Just Fucking Ship It' (ship = launch) and 'Shipped is better than perfect').
Alongside the effective medication, frequent cardio, no longer drinking alcohol, a good nights sleep, meditation and a quiet, healthy work environment, I'm starting to see real change.
I'm no-where near the 'utopia' of productivity I have in my mind, and honestly, I likely never will be - that's okay.
But as someone who has spent literally years hating myself for not being able to command myself into action, the slightest signs of a 'pulse' are incredibly exciting.
It's taken a lot of effort and time to get here, but I firmly believe that if I can, anyone can.
If you have any further questions or think I might be able to share some other useful information, please feel free to message me or simply reply here (this applies to OP and anyone else who might stumble across this reply, at any point in the future).
As much as I hope you find this reply useful in some way on its own, I also want to leave you with some actionable steps:
If you haven't already, take a look at the GTD 'Getting Things Done' methodology. Regardless of whether you implement it or not, learning the 'science' behind it will help you on your journey.
Here's a good place to start: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kOSFxKaqOm4
Then here: https://blog.zenkit.com/a-beginners-guide-to-getting-things-done-3cc1a5123b98
Some brilliant books I'd suggest are as follows - I'm not great at reading a book the whole way through these days, so I find Audiobooks to be a God-send (mainly Audible):
Mindset by Carol Dweck
https://www.amazon.com/Mindset-Psychology-Carol-S-Dweck/dp/0345472322
Switch: How to Change Things When Change Is Hard by Chip & Dan Heath
https://www.amazon.com/Switch-Change-Things-When-Hard/dp/0385528752
Ego is the Enemy by Ryan Holiday
https://www.amazon.com/Ego-Enemy-Ryan-Holiday/dp/1591847818
Principles: Life and Work
https://www.amazon.com/Principles-Life-Work-Ray-Dalio/dp/1501124021
I agree with seeing a counselor who specializes in multicultural issues, if your wife would be open to it. Graduate programs are placing such emphasis on the importance of understanding different cultures.
I just began reading this book http://www.amazon.com/Thought-Was-Just-isnt-Perfectionism/dp/1592403352. I have not gotten to far into it to 100% recommend, but it is worth a try. Your wife sounds like she could use some empowerment.
Does your wife read? Or listen to audio books? If so, I want to recommend something that changed my life and was what ultimately led to me losing weight and keeping it off permanently. BTW I taught for 6 years and lost weight even with the schedule and stress of working in an inner-city school. She can definitely do this but only if she can get past the shame that often comes with being overweight. Please, please, please ask her if she would be willing to check out this book. I wish the both of you the best of luck.
https://www.amazon.com/Thought-Was-Just-but-isnt/dp/1592403352/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1486404531&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=I+Thought+it+was+just+me
I recommend this book
maybe this one
Shaynoodle is damn sexy
Would you care to review even just this thread to look for ways that people have attempted to silence women or people speaking for them?
>Feminists? Again?
>Seems like someone has the picture of an angry feminist in their head...
>omfg not again. Please let this not suck as much as last time.
>I don't get it, why a story can't just be a story? Instead it has to be a game piece in an endless debate about gender equality. Can't we just get back to analyzing the finer points of magical theory?
>Garbage like this should be ignored.
All of which are basically telling feminists 'we have no interest in talking about this, and no interest in anyone else talking about this. Shut up already.' They could have just ignored the thread - these are deliberate attempts to shame people into not speaking. Yeah, its not as nasty as most of the internet, but it doesn't need to be.
Or maybe we should look at the recent shaming of women for speaking up about sexist behavior within the skeptic/rationalist community. This devolved into threats of violence against the women who spoke out (which I will not link, but they aren't hard to find).
(http://www.blaghag.com/2011/07/richard-dawkins-your-privilege-is.html
http://skepchick.org/2013/08/atheism-sexism-and-harassment-the-price-of-speaking-up/
http://blogs.discovermagazine.com/badastronomy/2011/07/05/richard-dawkins-and-male-privilege/
http://freethoughtblogs.com/entequilaesverdad/2013/08/15/some-essential-reading-on-the-sexism-in-skepticism-debacle/
http://www.patheos.com/blogs/daylightatheism/2013/05/some-sadly-necessary-remarks-on-the-wiscfi-intro/ )
And that's just the rationalist community. How about:
http://freethoughtblogs.com/pharyngula/2013/08/06/surely-sexism-is-dead-and-feminism-superfluous/
http://thecurrentconscience.com/blog/2012/03/19/on-womens-rights-blah-blah-whatever/
And so on.
>No, I don't believe that most women believe they're being told that they're inferior.
I'm guessing you're a man. You don't know my gender (which I will not supply on the internet), but I'm guessing you believe I'm a woman. You seriously just told someone you believe is a woman about their own experiences.
http://nymag.com/thecut/2013/06/wendy-davis-scotus-and-speaking-out-as-women.html
>Our [women and minorities] everyday experiences are up for debate. The burden of proof is on women and gay people and nonwhite Americans to justify their lives, to explain to those who have never felt this sort of powerlessness or discrimination that it’s very much real.
And you're doing that. You're sitting in your privilege and telling women that they aren't harassed constantly whenever they speak out about sexism, even when they clearly are. Don't do that.
Women are told they're inferior to men every day. At work and at school and in politics. In their treatment during movies and books and other narratives. That you don't believe that... well, shame on you.
I have a book suggestion for you: http://www.amazon.com/Thought-Was-Just-but-isnt/dp/1592403352/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1376659131&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=I+thought+it+was+just+me
I'm sure there's plenty of other reading you could do. You are part of the problem.
>You are perpetuating a view that women are weak, helpless creatures that need to be protected from reading something that might be offensive. Frankly, this is far more sexist and far more degrading than anything in HPMOR.
Wait, what?
Who's trying to protect women from reading something offensive? Criticism of HPMoR + a belief that the story would be much better served by reaching out to women rather than going out of its way to be offensive to them is not at all the same thing.
You will turn people off by offending them. (That's not a claim about protecting them, that's a claim about failure to persuade, and the ultimate goal of a philosophical tract is to persuade). You certainly won't entertain people by offending them. You seriously expect someone to continue to read after being offended? You honestly believe that someone finding a work offensive doesn't diminish their valuation of the work as a whole?
This isn't about protecting women, this is about protecting the message of the story. Offended women (and men) will just stop reading it. They may even decide rationality isn't worth their time, because the story convinced them that rationality doesn't care about their problems and seems willing to accept that status quo with open arms.
I happen to believe in rationality, but I did before discovering HPMoR. However, sexism is an obvious flaw in the story, because sexism is irrational, and for a story intending to market rationality to include such a blatantly irrational narrative is extremely off-putting. Before Hermione's framing, I gladly recommended the book to friends. I no longer do so.
I think this might help her. I used to be like that too 6 months ago. I am still working on it. http://www.amazon.com/Thought-Was-Just-but-isnt/dp/1592403352 She could also try a therapist for maybe 4 sessions or more that is what I did.
Are you the kind of person that, if they know the "why" and "how" of something, it really helps them to get achieve the "just do it and quit!" part?
This may sound trite, but there is a book called "Willpower" that may help. It is relatively new, written by a respected research psychologist (and a formerly addicted NY Times writer), that may help.
If you're analytical then the book may help you to understand why your willpower wavers even though you are committed to breaking a bad habit. One big factor that took me by surprise: the power in Willpower comes in large part from blood glucose levels. Who'd a thought?
I'll just live this here.
Baumeister's recent book on Willpower is an excellent read on this topic for the layman. Link
Willpower: Rediscovering the Greatest Human Strength and it's amazing.
You need to read this book on willpower. It doesn't work the way you think it does, and you need to cut yourself some slack and learn how to work with what you've got. Go get it at the library if you can't afford the 15 bucks.
Makes sense.
>A person really willing to quit would do things like only carry the amount they need each day, and employ other strategies that are proven to work.
I don't know why it didn't occur to me to read up on methods shown to work. Thanks for the comment, I've ordered a well rated bookon this very subject. Time to quit guessing my way to success and read up on how others have manged to be success full.
It's like what John of Salisbury said about learning from major thinkers:
""We are like dwarfs sitting on the shoulders of giants. We see more, and things that are more distant, than they did, not because our sight is superior or because we are taller than they, but because they raise us up, and by their great stature add to ours."
If you are going to succeed at all these things simultaneously, you are awesome. By all means do this, be like a wolf ... but in case you fail (not to suggest that I expect you do), don't give all these things up at once. If you do not succeed with these high aspirations, do not be afraid to lower them somewhat.
So; what you should not do, I repeat, WHAT YOU SHOULD NOT DO, is use little failures as an excuse for total failure. Also, read this book and you'll understand why I'm giving the advice above.
I never tried audio, I bought the hardback.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Science-Selling-David-Hoffeld/dp/0143129325/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=science+of+selling&qid=1565117814&s=gateway&sr=8-1
&#x200B;
I thought it was quite useful all around guide to sales (buyer motives, 6 Whys people buy, company USP, closing). Interesting was the use of behavioural economics and psychology to inform the different techniques (such as innoculation theory). On that topic psychology and sales, the psychology of persuation and predictably irrational are both really great reads.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/s?k=predictably+irrational&crid=3UWT9GUFOSU8F&sprefix=predic%2Caps%2C151&ref=nb_sb_ss_i_1_6
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Influence-Psychology-Persuasion-Business-Essentials-ebook/dp/B002BD2UUC/ref=sr_1_2?crid=16X7RHAWVI8QH&keywords=science+of+persuasion&qid=1565118078&s=books&sprefix=science+of+persua%2Calexa-skills%2C141&sr=1-2
https://www.amazon.com/Influence-Psychology-Persuasion-Business-Essentials-ebook/dp/B002BD2UUC/ref=mt_kindle?_encoding=UTF8&amp;me=
Not a video but the book Persuasion, The Psychology of Persuasion is a great read to understand how these non-verbal cues persuade people to act.
There's also the classic How To Win Friends and Influence People which discusses human nature and how to get on people's "good side."
You can be far better than me, anyone can. Your unhappiness isn't caused by your shitty situation, it's caused by your perception of your situation. You put value in things that are not essential to your happiness, therefore you've told yourself you can't be happy without a better external situation. In that case, life will always be ahead of you dragging you behind it, instead of you being in front of life and pulling it in the direction you've determined to be the most attractive. The only things in life you should concern yourself with are the things in your control. If something is beyond your control, greet it with nothing more than supreme indifference.
Do you read and learn valuable knowledge every day? Do you do the work that needs to be done? Do you do proactive work that isn't urgent but necessary for your life goals? How much time do you spend on activities that are mere entertainment and don't improve your life tomorrow? I've found that doing the next right thing and being productive is most of what is required to feel great and stand tall.
Two great books that will get you started on thinking this way, which I can't recommend highly enough, are these:
Stoicism and the art of happiness
The 7 habits of highly effective people
I really enjoyed reading "The Subtle Art of Not Giving A Fuck"
It taught me about giving a fuck only for the things that deserve it.
I also enjoyed "How To Win Friends and Influence People" which taught me that it's not about me - it's about being genuine with, and interested in, other people. My pride? Who gives a fuck! I'm embarrassed? Who gives a fuck!
I then read "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People" which talks a lot about how to identify what it is you want, and what you care about, and how to align yourself and your life with that. It's a really positive book that I highly recommend reading!
Edit: I also absolutely loved "Meditations" by Marcus Aurelious which is generally about stoicism. The version I read was all "thou shalt", but I've seen somebody on Reddit quote a modern one which made for much easier reading! But Marcus Aurelious basically kept a journal of things he wanted to remind himself of, about his place in the world and his duty. I really, highly recommend it.
This little epiphany literally came to me in the shower this morning. It is a distillation/unification of one of the underlying lessons taught by all the books, articles, and webinars I have recently read/listened to/watched, including but not limited to:
Willpower Doesn't Work: Discover the Hidden Keys to Success by Benjamin Hardy (https://www.amazon.com/Willpower-Doesnt-Work-Discover-Success-ebook/dp/B073P421QC/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1539392606&sr=8-1)
The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change by Stephen R. Covey (actually I am just barely getting into this one) (https://www.amazon.com/Habits-Highly-Effective-People-Powerful-ebook/dp/B00GOZV3TM/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1539392756&sr=8-1)
Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less by Greg McKeown (https://www.amazon.com/Essentialism-Disciplined-Pursuit-Greg-McKeown-ebook/dp/B00G1J1D28/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1539392939&sr=8-2)
The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing by Marie Kondō (https://www.amazon.com/Life-Changing-Magic-Tidying-Decluttering-Organizing-ebook/dp/B00KK0PICK/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1539393096&sr=8-2)
Just to give some more context, let me list out what I've tried so far:
Anything else I should try?
Keep up the good work and keep moving forward!
I enjoy lots of different kinds of books. Recently I started re-reading the Oz books by Frank L. Baum. Maybe you'd like it?
Or, if you're looking to read non-fiction I can't recommend The Seven Habits of Successful People more strongly.
Thank you so much for your note, and insights.
I believe that I'm doing all of the right things, as well. However, to avoid physical and psychological burnout, which is both painful and unhealthy, and to mitigate my perfectionism, I need to reduce the volume and complexity of my program of introspection, healing, and physical/psychological strengthening.
If I don't, the good things that I'm doing will periodically become bad things, every week, or two weeks, or at best, once a month.
My most recent burnout was intense, and lasted eight days.
In any case, your description of my internalized shame, and how it has manifested is accurate. And it was difficult cutting a number of people out of my life abruptly, and seemingly permanently, but it was necessary.
In the near future, I hope to forgive and make amends with a number of people, though I do not necessarily want to rekindle any past friendships or relationships. I simply want to forgive others, once I go through the process of forgiving myself, which is an ongoing process.
You are also accurate of your description to my inner state and inner monologue, when people ask me, "what's new"? As far as the few friends that I'm close with, who are also artists an entrepreneurs, I can answer honestly, when I speak to them. However, I simply cannot connect on the same level, with some of my friends who aren't artists or entrepreneurs. They don't have the same level of passion and creativity within their lives, they don't know about the ups and downs of working on creative projects within a professional context, they don't know about the fear, despair, and ups and downs of entrepreneurship, they don't know how hard I work in comparison to them (in terms of the sheer volume of hours put in), they don't know about the financial turmoil of not know where your next cheque is going to come from, and they don't know about the shame of living at home with your parents in your early thirties.
As far as continuing on path, you are right; I have to keep going. I simply need to continue down the same path, with humility, with balance, with equanimity, with far more breaks, with far more stillness, and with compassion for myself and others.
You are also right about me dating on the higher end of the appearance spectrum. I went to an arts school with many beautiful women, the university that I went to has a reputation for having many beautiful women which supplement its partying culture, and working in the arts and entertainment industries has caused me to be surrounded by many beautiful women for the vast majority of my life. The combination of the previously-mentioned environments, alongside perfectionism and my other insecurities have caused me to predominantly seek incredibly beautiful women, and unfortunately, it has also caused me to put them on a pedestal. Clearly, that hasn't served me, in regards to experiencing intimacy and connection, within the context of a meaningful, long-term, romantic relationship.
I fully agree with this sentiment, of yours: "Our self-concept becomes conflated with that person, it triggers and manifests are inherent state of emptiness. To feel complete and to remove that anxiety we have to acquire that person. The problem with strong attractions is that they are largely based on insecurity. A confident person does not get infatuated, for the most part anyways."
It describes my codependency, within romantic relationships, within potentially romantic relationships, and within my career.
I have obviously employed a number of tools and experts to mitigate some of these issues, and one involves reminding myself that it's unwise for me to look up to anyone, it's unwise for me to look down on anyone, and it's unwise for me to compare myself to others.
I find that when I enter a relationship or potential relationship with a lot of anxiety and neediness, and with a lot of emotions that I would associate with the confusion, fear, and anger of my childhood experience, it's a sign that I am out of alignment, that I am putting the other person on a pedestal, and that the whole thing will fall apart in one way or another; whether it's through my own self-sabotage, or the other person moving away from me.
Thank you for describing the distinction between healthy attractions and unhealthy attractions, and I hope that in time, I will be able to make the distinctions, and I will be able to see red flags much sooner. I am improving, but sometimes it takes a few weeks, a few months, or even longer to realize how far out of alignment I am, and that I am reenacting maladaptive childhood patterns.
However, outside of my insecurities, and needs for external validation, is it so wrong or maladaptive for me to be attracted to beautiful, sexy women, as a straight man? If I can connect to that strong attraction in a way that isn't needy, and that is grounded in mature sexuality, and non-attachment, wouldn't that be a beautiful thing, especially within the context of dating?
Last winter, I did try dating a woman that I wasn't particularly attracted to, and it didn't go anywhere, simply because she didn't turn me on. There wasn't that romantic spark there, and I couldn't get into her, despite all of her great qualities. So, idealizing the most beautiful women is unwise, but having little to no sexual chemistry doesn't work either.
In the meantime, it's important that I avoid burning out through perfectionism, because when I do, I enter a place of deep shame, anger, and isolation, and my cortisol and other stress hormone levels become unmanageable.
This leads me to have sex with escorts, and to eat far too much junk food, and I want to avoid both. They provide a fleeting form of relief, and contribute to the hamster wheel of shame, anxiety, perfectionism, and the need for control that I have been on, for a long time.
In addition to everything that I have been doing, and the multitude of tools that I have at my disposal, I started working in a more balanced way, as of yesterday, and I am currently reading the following books:
"Tao Te Ching" by Laozi: https://www.amazon.com/Ching-25th-Anniversary-English-Mandarin-Chinese/dp/0679776192
"No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert Glover: https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy-ebook/dp/B004C438CW
"The Power of Full Engagement" by Tony Schwartz: https://www.amazon.com/Power-Full-Engagement-Managing-Performance-ebook/dp/B000FC0SWS/
"The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up" by Marie Condo: https://www.amazon.com/Life-Changing-Magic-Tidying-Decluttering-Organizing-ebook/dp/B00KK0PICK/
Hopefully they will help, and I will also read your blog post, right now. I will comment on it, via a message.
Thanks again! I really appreciate your insights.
What's the 2nd book? Only found the one: https://www.amazon.com/Life-Changing-Magic-Tidying-Decluttering-Organizing-ebook/dp/B00KK0PICK/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&amp;qid=1493614301&amp;sr=8-1
I'm in the process of trying to do the same, been dealing w/ a lot of shit recently and got let go from work b/c of an inability to work/concentrate, now working on reinventing myself.
I found the other two "not giving a fuck" books by another author, though.
Um, YES!! If you are at all interested in getting rid of your shit/organizing, check it the shit out. "KonMari" is the method, and the book is called The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up. I am 100% into it. Maybe check it out at the library & see if you dig it?
Heads up though: There's definitely a lot of Japanese culture that comes through (respect for your things, anthropomorphism, etc) which I personally love, but others find a little weird.
I hate clutter too. I recently purged my wardrobe using the KonMari method.
Making a list of everything you own seems unrealistic. Do I list all my books separately? What about my DVDs? If you're looking to unclutter, this book called "The Life Changing Magic of Tidying up" is gold. If you, like me, watch videos of cats in Japanese households, you know they can be pretty austere. Even if you don't adopt the entire book, learning some tips and tricks has been helpful for me.
Never been a habitual nicotine user, but all my friends that were swear by this book. More specific to smoking but it worked for all of them so might be helpful. https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01EVMK0H0/ref=cm_sw_r_sms_awdb_t1_pyOzDb8W68HV6
There is a great book that helped me quit 15 year ago. The book is called "Easy way to quit smoking" by Alan Carr. The book actually helped millions of people, including a bunch of my friends. Effortlessly. You read it while smoking, and by the end of it you just don't want to smoke any more. It's truly amazing, i suggest you try.
The secret is - try to read it in one sitting.
Found it: Allen Carr's Easy Way To Stop Smoking https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01EVMK0H0/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_BxfFAbSJ47AWR
Everyone has their own way but this is the concept that allowed me to quit and never look back:
Mindfulness. With every inhale ask yourself why you are smoking? What benefit does it have? Is it enjoyable?
As others mentioned, Alan Carr's Easy Way To Quit Smoking was very influential in this process. Highly recommend picking up a copy, if you aren't sure it's worth the price pm me your address and I'll send you a copy.
The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment
by Ekhart Tolle
Have him read this book... it's a life changer and I guarantee negativity will vanish.
I highly recommend the book The Power of Now. It helped me understand how much my unhappiness was related to the amount of my thinking. Basically this book says that a great deal of what we think is crap and it only contributes to our unhappiness: thinking of the past generates pain if we think of an unhappy moment in our live or if we think of a happy moment which we want to relive, but is missing in the present, thinking of the future also generates pain because we are unhappy in the present and hoping that someday everything will be OK. The only option is to accept the present and live the NOW.
http://www.amazon.com/Power-Now-Guide-Spiritual-Enlightenment/dp/1577311523
You lost me, but mentioning her book reminded me that Kondo has another book (a novel) coming out in June.
https://www.amazon.com/Life-Changing-Manga-Tidying-Up-Magical/dp/0399580530
I have two books for you to read:
Influence: Science and Practice
Republic Lost
They both lay out very good reasons for why downplaying the potential sway that dinners, parties, or other favors have on your behavior is not a good idea.
This attitude makes me physically ill. As an apologist, you make the world a markedly worse place for the people you supposedly care about and you should be very ashamed.
All of you people clinging to Facebook's shit products are basically disease vectors. You enable the spread of a particularly dangerous social pathogen with your weakness, laziness and inability to learn how to influence the people closest to you.
I suggest you do the following in this order to stem the spread of the disease and redeem yourself as a human being: