Best parenting & relationship books according to redditors
We found 2,138 Reddit comments discussing the best parenting & relationship books. We ranked the 762 resulting products by number of redditors who mentioned them. Here are the top 20.
We found 2,138 Reddit comments discussing the best parenting & relationship books. We ranked the 762 resulting products by number of redditors who mentioned them. Here are the top 20.
It's been happening on an industrial scale in England for over 30 years now.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Easy-Meat-Britains-Grooming-Scandal/dp/1943003068/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1520941831&sr=8-1&keywords=easy+meat
> Peter McLoughlin spent years believing the Leftist narrative, namely it was 'a racist myth' that organised Muslim groups in Britain and the Netherlands ('grooming gangs') were luring white schoolgirls into a life of prostitution. But in 2009 he first encountered people who said their children had been groomed like this. These informants had non-white people in their immediate and extended family, and were thus unlikely to be racists. So McLoughlin dug deeper and what he found shocked him: there were mounds of evidence that social workers, police officers, Muslim organisations, journalists and even some Members of Parliament must have known about these grooming gangs for decades, and they had turned a blind-eye to these crimes. He also came across references to incidents where any proof had since vanished.
This book, written 7 years ago, goes into great detail about how public education is very much rigged for female success. The author is a feminist that had a son and became dismayed by the double standards and lack of support for boys in school.
The War Against Boys: How Misguided Feminism Is Harming Our Young Men
http://www.amazon.com/War-Against-Boys-Misguided-Feminism/dp/0684849569
Hello! Cei here. Thank you for your question and for your willingness to learn and grow for your community!
Question 1.a. If you are providing a space (a group, a confirmation class, a retreat, a bible study, a weekly potluck, a movie night, etc) for these young people to be themselves- to use they name they choose, to use the pronouns that fit for them, and to create norms where the other youth in the space must be respectful of these identities- then you are creating a safe space for the youth to go through the process of self-actualization in their identity. Ideally the church congregation would also be asked to affirm these youth in their identity. Depending on your comfort level, you could address the congregation and explain that you would like the church to be a sacred and safe space for all, and that in the interest of achieving this goal, you would ask them to respect names, pronouns, and gender expressions of all congregation members. b. One of the best ways to advocate for young people to their parents is to explain that the young person is happy, responding well, and thriving in environments where they are allowed to be themselves. If you have a young person who comes to your group/bible study/etc. who is using the name they choose, the pronouns that fit their identity, and is affirmed by the group around them and they are thriving, tell the young person's parents so. It may be that at home the parents see a kid who is struggling and sad and they are scared that being gender diverse will make things harder for their already unhappy child. To show that gender affirmation can radically improve a kid's quality of life is often the best motivator for parents to adopt affirming language.
2. Here are links to a few resources that we've found helpful over the years: Trans Bodies, Trans Selves, The Transgender Teen, The Genderquest Workbook, Confi's Article on Gender, Families In TRANSition.
I hope this helps, and thanks again for advocating for the gender diverse people at your church!
Hi, I'm an adult who came out and transitioned as a teen, and now works with Trans youth.
Support for Trans youth matters. Support doesn't mean saying "I support you" and then not letting him get a binder, or not using his name and/or pronouns, or telling him he has to wait until he's 18 to pursue medical transition. That isn't support. If he doesn't feel supported, he's in the stat group of unsupported youth.
This is more of a general resource dump, but I hope it helps!
The book The Transgender Teen by Stephanie Brill and Lisa Kenney is your new bible, seriously. There's also a new book out for Trans teens and their families, called Where's MY Book? by Linda Gromko, MD. I haven't read it yet, but it looks well worth a look.
Check out http://t-vox.org/ and http://camparanutiq.org/ . Your son would love Camp Aranuti'q.
Watch this great video too. It's about Trans kids and it's really good.
Run, don't walk, to http://groups.yahoo.com/group/tyfa_talk/ and join it. It's a wonderful parents-only group specifically for parents of Trans and gender-questioning kids who are 18 and under. There's a lot more to it than "you should support your kid". There's lots for you there, even if you're already supportive. On Facebook, you can join these great groups for parents of Trans and gender-expansive kids: here and here. And here on Reddit, check out /r/cisparenttranskid.
Trans Youth Family Allies, Gender Spectrum (and their fantastic conference), and the Trans Health conference, among other resources, will help your whole family a lot.
The nice folks at the Gender Development clinic at Lurie Children's Hospital in Chicago, the Gender Management Services (GeMS) clinic at Boston Children's Hospital, The Center for Trans Youth Health and Development at Los Angeles Children's Hospital, the Genecis clinic at Children's Medical Center Dallas, the gender clinic at Seattle Children's Hospital, BC Children's Hospital in Vancouver, and/or the Trans youth clinic at SickKids in Toronto can help your family connect with more providers and support networks in your area for Trans children and their families, even if you're not near any of those clinics. They do a lot of networking with groups and providers across North America and around the world.
There has been a trend, though. Long story short, it's related to the rise of the Sunday Night Movie and "White Women in Peril" and the ascendancy of stranger danger as entertainment. "America's Most Wanted" accelerated the trend with the constant presence of Adam Walsh's son's ghost.
Lenore Skenazy documents the collapse of outdoor play and its reasons in a couple chapters in Free Range Kids.
My $0.02.... don't try and ban religion/god from your kids. The only time you need to step in is if they are scaring your kids with hell/etc, which is totally inappropriate for children.
http://www.amazon.com/Raising-Freethinkers-Practical-Parenting-Beyond/dp/0814410960
I'm not sure if your niece's first language is English, but I found this book to be very helpful as a young teen.
https://www.amazon.com/Deal-Whole-Approach-Your-Brain/dp/0671041576
I was way too embarrassed to ask questions of my parents about a lot of things. I would also have been too embarrassed to purchase period supplies so know that she may be embarrassed as well and you may have to buy them.
You'd be surprised
>In Selfish Reasons to Have More Kids, contrarian economist Bryan Caplan argues that we've needlessly turned parenting into an unpleasant chore, and don't know the real plusses and minuses of having kids. Parents today spend more time investing in their kids than ever, but twin and adoption research shows that upbringing is much less important than we imagine, especially in the long-run. Kids aren't like clay that parents mold for life; they're more like flexible plastic that pops back to its original shape once you relax your grip. These revelations are wonderful news for anyone with kids. Being a great parent is less work and more fun than you thinkso instead of struggling to change your children, you can safely relax and enjoy your journey together. Raise your children in the way that feels right for you; they'll still probably turn out just fine. Indeed, as Caplan strikingly argues, modern parents should have more kids. Parents who endure needless toil and sacrifice are overcharging themselves for every child. Once you escape the drudgery and worry that other parents take for granted, bringing another child into the world becomes a much better deal. You might want to stock up
Compra este libro, YA! Es muy bueno para padres de familia ateos.
Here's just a few reasons as to why it bothers me.
>http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/number-of-muslims-in-prison-doubles-in-decade-to-12000-9222237.html
>https://www.amazon.co.uk/Easy-Meat-Britains-Grooming-Scandal/dp/1943003068
>https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2016/apr/11/british-muslims-strong-sense-of-belonging-poll-homosexuality-sharia-law
Why doesn't this bother you?
Still waiting for that benefit. There are plenty of non-Muslims in the world that could fill those roles you speak of.
Happiest Baby on the Block
My sister got me this in 6th grade! I get really excited whenever I see it in stores!
There was also a bigger thicker one by the people at gURL (remember that site?) that had a whole chapter on masturbaton, my sister regretted getting it for me when I transcribed some of it onto AOL message boards and got banned lol.
edit: the gURL book
Peter McLoughlin the author of Easy Meat seems to keep a sort of record. He was pretty much banned from all social media years ago for speaking about this.
Edit; He’s also on Gab which seems to be down just now for some reason.
Have you read The Happiest Baby on the Block? https://www.amazon.com/Happiest-Baby-Block-Harvey-Karp/dp/0553381466
I thought this was a really useful book for advice on dealing with toddler meltdowns: http://www.amazon.com/Happiest-Toddler-Block-Cooperative-Four-Year-Old/dp/0553384422/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1377481709&sr=1-1&keywords=happiest+toddler+on+the+block
Basic advice is that your first reaction when a toddler starts a tantrum is to mirror back to them what you think they are feeling in language simple enough for them to understand and with enough emotion to communicate that you really get how upset they are. Basically, it's "active listening" - a technique used by professional mediators and psychologists, among others. It works on people of every age. The idea is to convince them that they have been heard, so they will be more open to hearing what you have to say.
Also, my advice for a working woman coping with a period of SAHMhood: get out of the house as much as possible. The day goes faster and problems seem more trivial when you are out and about. Yes, I know it is a hassle to take them both out. I have twins. It can be done!
>Bad habits are hard to break, and I want pur daughter to be happy and healthy.
You cannot form bad habits in children at this age. For the next 18 months at least, you two are in absolute control of what she eats, and the only habit you might form is that she'll be picky and prefer sweeter foods.
You have a hang-up: you think that infant time is like other parts of life. It's not. Your baby is a healthy weight and it's almost impossible to overfeed a child at this age. You need to calm down and read a book about child health and wellness.
This book, from the American Academy of Pediatrics, is outstanding: Birth to Age 5
Read it, and calm down. Your wife isn't doing anything terrible, but you're poisoning your marriage. Read, and be cool.
PS - freaking out about nursing your child after vaccinations is ridiculous. You should definitely apologise for that.
I think you should read :
Free-Range Kids, How to Raise Safe, Self-Reliant Children (Without Going Nuts with Worry) https://www.amazon.com/dp/0470574755/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_FVy1DbJ9CFZ5C
There’s a lot of data in there that supports the idea that we are living in one of the safest times in our nations history. Child abductions by strangers (not friends or family) is extremely rare.
It is my personal belief that the majority of humans in this world generally like kids and want to help them and not hurt them.
As far as molestations and that kind of thing- my solution is that from the beginning I’ve been very open and honest with my kids about the human body and sexuality. They know the correct anatomical names for body parts and they know that they are in charge of their bodies and no one has the right to touch them without their permission. We’ve talked about consent. We’ve talked about people who act like your friend but really want to hurt you and keeping an eye out for them.
At the beginning of every school year we talk about people touching in the places covered by bathing suits and how it’s not okay. We talk about screaming at the top of their lungs no matter what and running away if they can. We talk about how even if someone says they’ll hurt you or your family for telling they absolutely will not be able to do that and that they MUST tell a trusted adult immediately. Then we talk about who the trusted adults in their lives are that they’d feel comfortable going to.
You can’t control who’s out there walking around in the world but you can take appropriate steps to make sure your children are (age appropriately) aware of the risks and know what to do if something happens or doesn’t feel right to them. You can foster loving and open relationships with your children so they feel comfortable coming to you about the big things. You can teach them what to do if someone tries to touch them in a way they don’t like. You can teach them about autonomy and consent.
I know it sounds like a lot but remember this is over the course of 10 years. This isn’t all at once so don’t get bogged down by the amount of work. Really it’s small aspects taught maybe a few times and reemphasized regularly. It’s curating a loving relationship with your child, which you’re going to do anyway, and making sure they feel safe and cared for so they can talk to you about the big or scary things.
Take a deep breath, Mama. I know it’s hard but try not to let your anxiety run the show.
She is emotionally abusing her kids, your SO and you.
1/ Get a solicitor/lawyer now!
2/ Document EVERYTHING
3/ ONLY the BD should communicate with the BM
4/ All communication should be written - it’s evidence
5/ Send an email explaining the terms that were informally agreed and ask for it to be maintained
6/ Send an email stating that you ONLY want to hear about issues relating to the children, any other emails/texts/phone calls will be seen as harassment
7/ if the harassment continues, call the police. Communication about children is fine, comments and berating you/SO is not
8/ If she calls, voicemail it, no message, no response. The rules I use are email for all normal (not urgent comma), texts for important things that need a response quickly, phone call for absolute emergencies. Give examples in an email to her. Always respond to texts, if the voicemail isn’t urgent then respond with an email
9/ Set boundaries with her, you control the boundaries. She will learn them
10/ Read this book:
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B014W0587S/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_kR4CDbGZ9H4K9_nodl
11/ In ALL communication, keep it business like and do NOT stoop to her level, regardless of what she’s saying
12/ If she’s not civil - no response
This approach is slowly working for me. I’ve been through exactly the same thing. It’s got so bad that I’ve filed for residence of my children due to her emotional abuse of the children.
>When it comes to intimacy and stuff, don’t really mention it.
>
>If you want to be more educated then that’s cool but talking about it with your kid is a bit weird haha.
Hard disagree. I'm totally with you on offering an environment with affirmative support and love, but we're also talking about parenting, and sometimes parenting is about having awkward conversations that are still important.
Gay kids don't get sex ed. By and large, their issues aren't addressed at school or any other environment in an honest, factual way. These kids find out by experimenting, sometimes by making stupid mistakes, and occasionally by making mistakes that they'll have to deal with for the rest of their lives.
Dad, it's time to read up. You don't need to completely re-do the talk, but you need to reinforce the most important parts (condoms always) from a new perspective, and reiterate that you're available to answer questions now that y'all have a better understanding of each other. Also, consider getting some books! Even if your son isn't super excited to come to you with a particularly . . . graphic question, a good book might have the answer. There're lots of great books, like maybe this one. And consider getting this one for yourself! You don't need to know everything, but you need to be prepared to learn anything -- sounds like it'll be a great journey for the both of you!
Books
Books
and books.
The main stressed point to raising secular children is teaching them HOW to think rather than WHAT to think.
Focus on giving them tools of skepticism, on questioning authority, on doubting claims without proof, etc.
but most important: just be there for them. Love them. Respect them. and they will follow suit
Lead by example and let it go from there. Let him ask questions when he's ready. If he asks why doesn't he go to church like his friends do, you can tell him that you don't really believe in God, that you think you and your family are still good people, but would he like some information? Encourage him to ask questions and develop his own opinion.
Here are some resources for you, too.
Website: Atheist Parents
Books: Parenting Beyond Belief and Raising Freethinkers
Good luck, and congrats on your new family! You'll be a great parent. :)
1 2 3 magic
Spoilers: You teach them that there is consequence for their actions.
I strongly suspect the argument that "having children increases your carbon footprint" is just totally specious. Bringing one less person into the world doesn't decrease your carbon footprint, it decreases the number of people. The carbon footprint in question isn't your carbon footprint, it's your child's carbon footprint.
Similar reasoning concludes that one way to decrease your carbon footprint is to just murder more people. In fact, if you murder more than one very young child, you've just offset yourself plus some number of your friends!
Of course there are other reasons to not murder people, and it would be silly to not take those into account! Likewise, there are many good reasons to have children, and so it would be silly to not take those into account also. If you want to think very seriously about those, I recommend Bryan Caplan's book on the subject.
OP should read Free Range Kids by Lenore Skenazy. It really opened our eyes when we had our child.
I took back my downvote, to comply with reddiquette and came back to post an explanation as to why you might be being downvoted: [Babywise] (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/On_Becoming_Baby_Wise#Criticism) is criticized in the mainstream medical community and my daughter's pediatrician's office specially recommends against it.
Also, there is a chance you may change your opinion once your own child arrives. Most babies just naturally fall asleep during/after feedings, so not to nurse them to sleep would mean having to actively wake them back up. Which makes no sense during nighttime and overnight feedings. But you'll see how things go with your own baby!
If you are reading up on sleep habits during your pregnancy - I highly recommend [The Happiest Baby on the Block] (http://www.amazon.com/Happiest-Baby-Block-Harvey-Karp/dp/0553381466).
While not geared specifically for Dads, I thought Happiest Baby on the Block was the most insightful and helpful.
I'm also signed up for BabyCenter.com emails. You put in the due date and it emails you weekly with updates on how your baby is developing in the womb. You still get emails after the due date explaining new developments.
Rehash of a previous post of mine:
For a secular view on child raising, check out the books "Parenting Beyond Belief" and "Raising Freethinkers" by Dale McGowan: http://www.parentingbeyondbelief.com/ (site seems to be down for the moment). I have heard that they are very good.
The site has also a Youtube channel, and judging by the videos the contents of the books seem excellent:
The, uh..."Genesis" of Parenting Beyond Belief
Why religious literacy is important (Parenting Beyond Belief #2)
Religious literacy done right...and wrong (Parenting Beyond Belief #3)
Influence without indoctrination (Parenting Beyond Belief #4)
"What if your child becomes religious?" (Parenting Beyond Belief #5)
I think that even only watching the videos gives you a good introduction in how to approach religious issues with your kids.
Get this book.
One of my favorite activities from it is to write these following types of choices up on our little board and discuss each of them.
> I also dearly wish there were a way to encourage wealthy and educated people to fucking reproduce
Cutting education is a promising start. Not only does school directly delay family formation, but the whole premise of education is that successful people are made through an expensive, arduous training process, when all the evidence shows that genes are more important.
You can't pay a 30-year-old MA enough to settle down and have kids in the next few years, when she's just been through 25 years of school, and been brainwashed into thinking that she has to put her kids through the same, as well as act as their personal servant for decades in order to instill the "love of learning" responsible for her own success (because it definitely wasn't genetic!). You especially can't pay people with high earning potential enough to do this.
We should reassure people that their children will turn out similar to themselves, due to genetics, with no special effort on their part. See Bryan Caplan's Selfish Reasons to Have More Kids. And while you're agreeing with Bryan Caplan, you might also want to check out his case for open borders, especially the part focusing on IQ heritability.
Also on a more hopeful note: Free-Range Kids, How to Raise Safe, Self-Reliant Children (Without Going Nuts with Worry) Paperback – April 19, 2010
> Would a baby that gestated for 12 months be 'on par' with a 3 month old baby? further along development?
To address that specifically, you might look into Karp's Happiest Baby on the Block. Something he discusses at length is the "fourth trimester" and how underdeveloped our infants are because of when we birth them. He specifically focuses on self-soothing mechanisms and sleep, but the research is pretty interesting and does a lot to suggest the difference those 3 months would make.
I read "Oh Crap! Potty Training". The author's recommendation is to not start until they are at least 20months and can sing their ABCs. My kid was speech delayed at that age and definitely couldn't sing her ABCs (and still can't, at 2.5yrs), but we dove in right at 20m and she trained super easily compared to most of my friends' kids, even training for naps and nights. It took us like 2w to get to where I felt like I could leave the house without accidents. And she learned to say "pee pee" when she had to use the bathroom, so that was a plus.
My second born will be 20m in 1 week and I can't decide if I want to dive in and go through 2 weeks of potty training accidents to get the sweetness of never needing diapers again. It's a tough call to make!
Anyways, we used the little separate training potty at first, so that she could put herself on her potty and go pee, and then eventually moved up to setting her on the toilet with an insert which was necessary for using the restroom during outings. By the time I potty trained her, she was also sleeping in a big kid bed already which was super helpful.. I would sit her little potty on a waterproof mat on her floor and if she woke up from her nap, she could quickly sit herself on her potty before I could even get in there. She rarely had accidents in bed.
We read a lot of books about toilets... "Everybody Poops", "Potty Time", and "Once Upon a Potty". Some other books I liked were "Diapers are Not Forever", "Potty", and "Let's Go Potty, Elmo!".
I agree with your general concerns about people keeping kids too safe. Check out this TED Talk video 5 dangerous things you should let your kids do.
Also - Free-Range Kids
I'm currently reading Dude, You're a Fag: Masculinity and Sexuality in High School. It's an awesome book about gay theory and how out environment can shape sexuality and our perceptions on sexuality and masculinity.
Happiest Baby On The Block literally saved my sanity. I could quiet the little man down in seconds, felt like magic. lol
So... movies, tv and other works of fiction are seriously NOT where you'd want to get childcare or healthcare advice. Even if they're correct, it's a coincidence. Even internet research needs to be read with a critical eye.
Google and read about SIDS. Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. And talk to your OB and/or Pediatrician when your child is born if there are special circumstances involved.
Generally, the advice nowadays is to always have the baby sleep on its back. With no blankets, a firm mattress with just a fitted sheet and no bumpers, even. The idea is to keep airflow open at the baby's face.
Humans have a reflex where if they don't get enough oxygen, they wake up or their bodies just force themselves to breathe. But this reflex is apparently not very well developed in infants, so they might be ... just stopping.
That said, babies do seem to prefer sleeping on their fronts and sides - source: Harvey Karp, MD., Happiest Baby on the Block.
Mine is probably going to be a back sleeper, unless there's a reason why she can't... but if I'm rocking her to sleep in my arms, she might be on her side or front.
"Happiest Baby on the Block" by Harvey Karp. http://www.amazon.ca/Happiest-Baby-Block-Harvey-Karp/dp/0553381466 Best book I own, best "thing for baby" I own and voted #1 way to get sleep by my hubby and I. oh and, congratulations!
Material Goods for the baby:
Carseat,
diapers,
wipes,
baby nail file or baby mittens (newborn nails are SO SHARP),
weather-appropriate clothing (go with the elastic-bottomed gowns for the first 3 months (you want easy access to diapers),
old towels/burp cloths/cheapo 10-pack of washcloths,
a way to carry the baby (Ergo/Moby/baby sling is AMAZING or a stroller),
bottles if you plan on formula feeding/maybe a pump/bottles if you plan on breastfeeding (that one is a wait-and-see purchase),
gentle soap for washing the baby (store brand is fine)
place for baby to sleep (cosleeping/pack n play/crib/swing)
Material Goods for the parents:
Box of ultra-absorbent pads for Mom after the birth,
cheap/old pillows to prop up Mom after the birth,
Mom's favorite water bottle if she's breastfeeding,
old towels to go under Mom (old towels in general for spit up/accidents),
extra laundry detergent,
nursing bra if she's breastfeeding,
some LOUD white noise maker (vac, hair dryer, dryer, sound machine, YouTube hair dryer looping track, etc).
A copy of Happiest Baby on the Block.
CONSIDER getting a pair of noise-cancelling headphones for when you're "off-duty".
Material Goods in general:
LOTS of food that's either easy to prepare (boxed) or pre-prepared (precooked and frozen or canned), and a box of dry milk as a backup for the boxed food (tuna helpers and the like),
paper plates,
disposable utensils,
disposable cups,
vinegar for cleaning (helps get baby spitup out of clothing/carpet).
Other To Do:
1- Make sure you've got a pediatrician picked out.
2- Know the normal baby sleep schedule. Here's a good site. They DO NOT sleep through the night early on, they have to wake to feed every couple of hours. That's NORMAL and anyone who tells you differently can shove a sock in it.
3- Consider the 6-on/6-off sleep system... Mom sleeps from 6pm-midnight while Dad takes care of newborn. Dad sleeps from midnight-6am. Sleeping parent gets the headphones.
4- Remember that the first 3 months are the hardest. It gets easier. And Reddit Parents are usually always here for you.
Good luck!
I'd also recommend The Baby Owner's Manual: Operating Instructions, Trouble-Shooting Tips, and Advice on First-Year Maintenance and the Caring for Your Baby and Young Child book by the American Academy of Pediatrics.
Oh... and Happiest Baby on the Block. I didn't read it... we watched the video instead. Really good advice for calming newborns.
Here's a link, buy it if you actually have a son who you genuinely care about and are not just a troll: http://www.amazon.com/War-Against-Boys-Misguided-Feminism/dp/0684849569
I read the book Raising Freethinkers and it helped me feel more comfortable about how to raise kids in a secular manner. My experience was fundamentalist indoctrination. It talks about how to talk to kids about religion without telling them what to think.
Indoctrination of children is one of the things that annoys me the most. Not only because it happened to me, but because it's part of evangelists' strategy to stop the decline of Christianity: the 4/14 window.
If it's not your own kids, there's not much you can do, unfortunately. But here are some thoughts:
Good luck! :)
Hi there. Little kiddos are tricky and too smart for their own good. Mine started after the lock down drills at school, wondering if dying from a gunshot hurt, how long it took, what happened when you died. The death question is a natural part of growing up. When a question is asked, short, truthful answers given at the child's level of understanding. avoiding the questions is hardly ever appropriate.
I've used some of these resources in the past (on mobile, apologies)
http://griefbeyondbelief.org/talking-to-kids/
http://parentingbeyondbelief.com/parents/?p=168
https://www.atheistparents.org/parenting-without-belief/
and a book
Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief https://www.amazon.com/dp/0814410960/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_ZTLTDbD7VCBE3
the first site is really helpful. they have a library of resources on their site. Hope the burden lessens in time.
Ask questions and answer hers honestly. If you don't know, say so, and then help her look it up. Teach her about science -- real science, especially if she's learning about creationism in "science" class -- and especially the scientific method.
If you haven't already, there are a number of books on raising freethinking and atheistic children (or raising children to be freethinkers and/or atheists, though I'm not sure about the distinction). Dale McGowan wrote a couple of good books: Parenting Beyond Belief: On Raising Ethical, Caring Kids Without Religion and Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief. If you look at the Amazon page for the second one, the suggested list has a bunch of books aimed at kids that you could read to her or simply have in your home depending on how much she's been affected by that church.
You might also look into a Unitarian Universalist church, see if there's one near where you're going to be moving to. They don't have a doctrine (there are seven principles that are generally kind of hard to argue with, but you don't have to believe in them to be a member), they welcome everyone, and their Religious Education program is excellent. They teach about all different (major) religions, which turns out to be a nice vaccine for the kind of hardcore stuff she's probably been exposed to by her mother.
At 11, also, I think she can understand that there are some things she might not want to discuss with her mother, but be very careful how you approach suggesting that. Obviously if you go about it the wrong way -- and there are probably a ton of wrong ways and very few right ones -- you'll get her clinging to what she knows and running from you.
First of all, it’s great that your son got the courage to confide in you. What you do next could literally be a life and death experience for him. It’s critical you get this right because so many gay teens self-harm without the support of a loving family. Our society is brutal on them.
Please read up carefully. Here are some links to resources. Please ask him if it would be okay if you talk to his psychologist about how best to support him — maybe you can meet there together a few times. You might need your own therapist to help you work through how and when to approach your husband about this. Good luck and I wish you all the best in creating a loving relationship with your son founded upon acceptance of his identity.
https://www.healthychildren.org/English/ages-stages/teen/dating-sex/Pages/Four-Stages-of-Coming-Out.aspx
https://pflag.org/needsupport
https://www.advocate.com/parenting/2014/09/09/10-tips-parents-gay-kids
This Is a Book for Parents of Gay Kids: A Question & Answer Guide to Everyday Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/1452127530/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_i0tEDbSR8Y32A
Read the book Oh Crap!. It is a super quick read, and dispels the myth of being 'ready '.
My wife is a first-grade teacher, and our own kids are now ages 6 & 9. We've been using 1-2-3 Magic as the basis for our discipline. There's a fair amount that you need to understand, so borrowing the book from the library or Audible would be helpful. But to break it down to you simply, it's like this:
0) Kid does is doing something unsafe/mean/rude. You tell them to stop.
One important thing is that you don't go into long, drawn-out explanations of what they're doing wrong while they're doing the behavior. You keep it very simple. "That's one. Stop".
AFTER the timeout and/or consequences are done, THEN you can try and talk with the kid once they've calmed down. Time-out doesn't begin until the tantrum is over. Edit: The "official" 1-2-3- method says don't even bother reviewing the behavior with the kid after the timeout is over. Just go back to whatever you were previously doing. If the kid really doesn't understand, I feel it's ok to talk about it. But start with the kid: "Why do you think you got this time-out?" Let them tell you.
You also need to make sure both parents are on-board with this system. If one parent is saying "That's one" and the other is saying "Now now little Susie, we don't swing the belt around in the house, you could hurt someone or damage something" --- you're going to fail big-time. Is this system perfect? Not necessarily, but it works pretty good for us.
Oh, and for very serious behavior like hitting or hurting, you can jump straight to "That's 3 - timeout".
https://www.amazon.com/1-2-3-Magic-Effective-Discipline-Children/dp/1889140430
This book is also a great way for new partners to deal with the HC narcissistic ex-wife/girlfriend.
Sounds like an overtly criminal case. I am sincerely sorry for you, and don't quite understand how your SO can possibly be in denial while witnessing something like what you just described. In my case, I had a child with my ex, who also showcases advanced criminal inclinations (referring to my ex, here, not to my little one. These leanings were not immediately obvious. Initially he, too, "appeared normal and healthy"). As the truth about who he was emerged, I resolved to cut him off completely, along with all of his tribe. It was a process, and some people judge me for what I did. But I believe that with certain profiles complete eradication is the only way to go. As we both agree, every case is different.
PS: If you didn't, read this:
https://www.amazon.com/Say-Goodbye-Crazy-Restore-Sanity-ebook/dp/B014W0587S
It deals specifically with new SO of BPD exes SO, i.e. people like you, who became targets by proxy.
Not a bioparent, but my ex-husband is a narcissist. If you let them continue to engage you emotionally, you'll find yourself exhausted. When ending a relationship with one, the rule is no contact - because the number one thing a narcissist needs is attention. If they can't get your positive energy (adoration or praise), then they'll do anything possible to get attention through negative emotions (frustration and anger).
You can go no contact, and it will save you a lot of grief. BD can't, as he has shared custody.
However, he can control how he interacts with BM. Insist on only discussing the matter at hand - custody, child support, etc. Refuse to become emotional in any way. Limit interaction to texts and emails vs. phone calls and face to face conversations.
I suggest the book "Say Goodbye to Crazy." It's an amusing read and has some good advice on how to deal with high conflict people.
If it were me, I'd stop using time out unless she's breaking a rule. If whining is against the rules in your house that's one thing, but putting her in time out because she's upset about something seems counterproductive.
Happiest Toddler on the Block is a book. I liked it. It didn't revolutionize anything here at the Snow household but it did give me a better way to empathize with what Toddler_Snow was going through.
We liked The Happiest Toddler on the Block series.
https://www.amazon.com/Happiest-Toddler-Block-Cooperative-Four-Year-Old/dp/0553384422
I couldn't find any when my wife was expecting. I looked, but everything that turned up online or even in the store was all written with the premise that the father-to-be is some beer-guzzling knuckledragger. I wound up buying this book in the end, and it's actually really helpful for almost everything you can think of.
https://www.amazon.com/Caring-Your-Baby-Young-Child/dp/0553393820
Apparently there is this one and a sequel book that look promising.
https://www.amazon.com/Expectant-Father-Ultimate-Dads-Be/dp/0789212137
Deal With it! A Whole New Approach to Your Body, Brain, and Life as a gURL was a book my mom got for me around that age. It covers a lot of uncomfortable topics that i was too afraid to ask about.
Edit: www.gurl.com is their website.
Read The War Against Boys by C.H. Sommers. It makes your above statement moot and uninformed.
I recommend this book: Raising Freethinkers.
It's less of a practical guide and mostly a series of essays by atheists parents sharing their experiences, but I got some incredibly useful things out of it.
The most useful of which was this. You don't say, Santa isn't real. You say, right from the outset, let's pretend that there's a fat man who flies around the world on a sleigh pulled by reindeer, and he brings presents to children.
In so doing, you invite your child into the game from the get go. They understand, as does everyone else, that this isn't real but that we all pretend it is. Santa thus becomes a far more useful real-world analogy than painfully coming to terms with the fact that you've been lied to. Because really, a large number of people who profess publicly to be Christian (or any other faith, really) don't literally believe, but they go along with it because it's just how the game is played.
If you're subversive, like I am, you start celebrating the holidays of other faiths too, and you give similar preambles. For example, "let's pretend that a man in the sky created the world, and on this day, thousands of years ago, he gave us humans a special book, like a handbook. That's why your Jewish friends at school are having a party." And then you do all the cool holiday stuff associated with it.
Or, "let's pretend that lighting a giant bonfire in the back yard and running around it helps the crops to grow." Beltane is a hilariously fun time.
And so on. Your child is going to encounter religion no matter what, but if they can appreciate all of the different kinds that there are, they'll be in a much better position to see that no single one is more likely to be literally true than any other, and they all involve a large amount of make believe.
Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief
Hi! I'm a cis-gendered (meaning I identify with the gender I was assigned at birth), NT Mom of an autistic daughter (13) and trans son (14).
For you: the transgender teen was such a great resource for me. I bought copies for my autistic daughter's therapists as well, as they started asking me lots of questions about how to talk to my daughter about her brother's transition.
As far as talking to your child about it-- does he know that there are gender options? Does he know about transgender, nonbinary, and genderfluid people? He may not have the vocabulary to go with his feelings. I don't know what his ability level is as far as reading, but there are books/videos to explain these things at many levels of age/understanding.
You sound like an awesome parent. I'll suggest that you check out /r/asktransgender as a semi-safe place to get advice, as well as /r/cisparenttranskid, which is a tiny but supportive group here as well.
(hugs)
What does everyone think about Say Goodbye to Crazy? I've seen it mentioned on the sub a couple times but not read it myself. Helpful? Not helpful?
https://amazon.com/Say-Goodbye-Crazy-Restore-Sanity-ebook/dp/B014W0587S/
I think you would enjoy the book "Selfish Reasons to Have More Kids: Why Being a Great Parent is Less Work and More Fun Than You Think"
http://www.amazon.com/Selfish-Reasons-Have-More-Kids/dp/0465028616
Focus on the later half of the title, not the first.
I skimmed the comments and didn't see this yet, but I apologize if it's a duplicate. I'm in the process of reading this book, Free Range Kids, which is about exactly this!
Parent of a 2 yr old getting ready for number 2 here. I'd say (in no particular order)...
... and now I need to go to work. Hope this helps. May add more later if I think of something helpful.
Father of five here. Can confirm, OP is not wrong.
That said, a couple of thoughts.
Absolutely no issues with flying during pregnancy. Some airlines restrict pregnant women from flying past ~36 weeks, but I think that's because they don't want you going into labor in their airplane cabin at 32,000 feet. After getting thru security, buy a bottle of water for your wife. I was on a 2-hour flight over Christmas and was dying of thirst waiting for the drink cart to come down the aisle. Also, give her the aisle seat if possible so she can walk the aisles periodically to keep the blood moving and access the bathroom quickly if needed.
As for books, I've read a lot of good ones. I've liked the Mayo Clinic Guide to a Healthy Pregnancy, and Elisabeth Bing's Six Practical Lessons for an Easier Childbirth and Ina May's Guide to Childbirth for info on labor and delivery, and The Happiest Baby on the Block and the Wonder Weeks for infant care. Also The Birth Partner is a great book on delivery for both pregnant women and husbands. If you can find a secondhand bookstore near you, check it out--a lot of people sell off these types of books once they're done with them.
I'm not sure if you have heard of Happiest Baby On the Block, by Dr. Harvey Karp, but that has helped me with my newborn and her sleep habits. You mentioned that your LO is 14 months old, so it might not work for you, but he also wrote another book called Happiest Toddler on the Block (http://www.amazon.com/The-Happiest-Toddler-Block-Four-Year-Old/dp/0553384422) . I haven't read this one yet, but maybe there is advice in there that can apply to your situation.
I'm really sorry for what you are going through, and I hope it resolves itself soon. Good luck.
To answer the question you actually asked, I'd say your husband has unrealistic expectations of 2yo behavior. And of people's emotional needs more generally--if you were upset and crying, would he send you to your room alone until you stopped? At that age, kids can't control themselves, their emotions, or their behavior, so we have to help them learn how to do so: sending them off alone isn't doing that; it's showing them that having big emotions is unacceptable.
Harvey Karp's Happiest Toddler on the Block was really helpful. I didn't like the bedtime/sleep section, but the rest is great. Might be a useful read for your husband, in terms of explaining toddler psychology?
(And I agree that your son is likely overtired and perhaps hungry by the time you pick him up. My toddler had frequent (daily) tantrums as soon as I picked him up from school/sitter, until I figured out that he had low blood sugar and started bringing snacks along and loading him up in the car. That helped a lot.)
I'd read a few parenting books just to see the spread of advice, and then do your best. How are you going to raise the child? Attachment parenting? Let them cry it out? If it is a boy, please don't circumsize http://www.nocirc.org/ . Breast feeding or formula? Organic baby food?
Some links:
So you don't go crazy listening to Barney CD's - http://kidsmusicthatrocks.blogspot.com/
Cool stuff for geeks and non geeks - http://www.parenthacks.com/
The Parent Experiment Podcast. Not your mom and dad's parenting show. Very funny with a bit of swearing. Talk about real issues (not just candy-coated ones). Different guest every week - http://www.adamcarolla.com/TPEBlog/
Haven't read this but it looks interesting - http://www.amazon.com/Happiest-Toddler-Block-Cooperative-Four-Year-Old/dp/0553384422/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1248233102&sr=1-4
After reading the few responses so far, I believe I have the moral right to tell you to not get advice on how to bring up your baby from fucking reddit.
Please?
Good God... humanity is doomed.
You want this book and this book. Good luck!
Congratulations!
Since I just recently was looking into what's out there to help parents raise kids to think critically, I'll pass on some of the books I found that you might find helpful:
http://www.amazon.com/Magic-Reality-Know-Whats-Really/dp/1451675046/
http://www.amazon.com/Raising-Freethinkers-Practical-Parenting-Beyond/dp/0814410960/
http://www.grandmotherfish.com
Tommy and his popularity came from Grooming gangs, he began speaking about them in 2006/07, but was obviously denounced as a racist and a liar because he targetted a specific ethnic community, and, of course, being the leader of those plonkers.
By the time these gangs were proven to be true, people began seeing Tommy in a different light, hell, he even co-wrote a book on it called Easy Meat.
His appeal from terrorist didn't really take hold, his main support was from grooming gang families and now mostly poor communities.
He did not make up the problem, the problem is very real. He was convicted of fraud in an earlier crime, He lied about other things, but the grooming gangs were not one of them.
Just to piggyback on this, there's a great book you can use as a resource (/u/confusedfather123) called "This is a Book for Parents of Gay Kids" (if you don't feel comfortable ordering the book in hard copy you can also download the ebook). It has a lot of resources for you.
The reason I bring it up in reply to this comment is that there's a great anecdote in there about one of the author's parents asking if she was interested in dating any girls and her practically melting into the floor! Lol... only ask your son about anyone he's interested in if you would have done it anyway, NOT just to try and seem more accepting/interested. Forced relationships are weird.
(Link to book: http://www.amazon.com/This-Book-Parents-Gay-Kids/dp/1452127530)
I recommend Oh, Crap! Potty Training. I used its methods for my almost 2 1/2 year old, and its been such a success! In fact, she just used her first public restroom yesterday. The process has taken a few weeks, and the first few days are very intensive, but it's overall been a positive experience for both of us. It was so much easier for me to go into it with a plan!
Good luck to you!
Always My Child: A Parent's Guide to Understanding Your Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgendered, or Questioning Son or Daughter - Kevin Jennings
The GENDER Book - Mel Reiff Hill
The Gender Creative Child: Pathways for Nurturing and Supporting Children Who Live Outside Gender Boxes - Diane Ehrensaft
Gender Diversity and Non-Binary Inclusion in the Workplace: The Essential Guide for Employers - Sarah Gibson, J. Fernandez
Helping Your Transgender Teen: A Guide for Parents - Irwin Krieger
The Transgender Teen: A Handbook for Parents and Professionals Supporting Transgender and Non-Binary Teens - Stephanie Brill
Transitions of the Heart: Stories of Love, Struggle and Acceptance by Mothers of Transgender and Gender Variant Children - Rachel Pepper
Bryan Caplan would probably say so.
(He's also written a book called Selfish Reasons to Have More Kids, which (predictably) focuses on the selfish reasons as well.)
>Because much government spending is non-rival, estimates of the fiscal externality of a new baby are positive and large. The highest-quality study is probably Wolf et al (forthcoming).[22] For the United States, it calculates a positive externality of
$217,000$83,000 [figured modified by me to show correction] in 2009 dollars—roughly five times per-capita GDP.[23]However, you might reasonably consider yourself likely to have above-average children, in which case the fiscal externalities would likely be larger. There are many other possible positive externalities too - your child may not become an effective altruist, but they might nonetheless still have a good chance of having a positive impact. There are negative externalities (such as an increased carbon footprint) too, but it's important to not give these considerations undue weight (as some people seem to).
My wife and I looked at Mayo Clinic's Guide to healthy pregnancy. It was neat to look up what was going on on the given week. We also took a trip to Babies R' Us early on to get an appreciation of what we'll need, what we'll want, and how much everything will cost.
For after the baby comes out: The Happiest Baby on the Block and Mayo Clinic's Guide to Your Baby's First Year, also.
I never had a talk either. But I remember my sister had this book in her room, so I swiped it and read it cover to cover. It helped fill in some gaps
Point out to me the big movement of feminists trying to end the anti-male Title IX and all of the efforts to require that women register for the draft. Got some web sites or news stories about feminists fighting the War Against Boys?
Here's one article in which a noted academic proves feminists deliberately corrupted domestic violence research to hide evidence of female perpetrators http://www.avoiceformen.com/feminism/how-feminists-corrupt-dv-research/
Here's an entire book from another noted academic on how feminists are deliberately turning the education system against boys http://www.amazon.com/The-War-Against-Boys-Misguided/dp/0684849569
There are many, many, many more pieces of evidence that show the supremacism of the feminist movement.
The disadvantage that young boys currently have at Primary School. This of course leads the current failure of men in all forms of Education.
The War Against Boys is a term used by Anti-Feminists (read Idiological Feminists) in general. While I don't agree with that, I think that our failure to recognise and deal with the issue is down to some malicious societal context and so I also use the term.
If you like, you can simply reimagine what I wrote as: Primarily I want the disadvantage our boys have at school to end.
-----
Christina Hoff Sommer's book is very good on the matter, if you ignore the anti-feminist rhetoric it brings up many good points
http://www.amazon.com/Raising-Freethinkers-Practical-Parenting-Beyond/dp/0814410960
My friends recently had a baby who would not stop crying and they followed all the tips in this book and it actually worked for them: https://www.amazon.com/Happiest-Baby-Block-Harvey-Karp/dp/0553381466
They have twins. One was quiet and content and the other screamed bloody murder, and following the steps of mimicking the womb made the upset one quiet and calm.
American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) has a GREAT book that my wife and I frequently reference. Here's the Amazon link:
http://www.amazon.com/Caring-Your-Young-Child-Edition/dp/0553386301
Here you go:
http://www.amazon.com/War-Against-Boys-Misguided-Feminism/dp/0684849569
Ah! I can relate to this thread. I have bought a lot of parenting books and mean to get through them when I can. My favorites so far have been
https://www.amazon.com/Peaceful-Parent-Happy-Kids-Connecting/dp/0399160280
https://www.amazon.com/Gentle-Discipline-Emotional-Connection-Not-Punishment/dp/0143131893
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0814437419/ref=dp_ob_neva_mobile
https://www.amazon.com/Raising-Freethinkers-Practical-Parenting-Beyond/dp/0814410960
https://www.amazon.com/Raising-Cain-Protecting-Emotional-Life/dp/0345434854
I own the Whole Brain Child and just can’t finish it. The technical parts about the brain have stumped me and i kept having to reread paragraphs over and over so I moved on to something else.
As a child who was raised with an unbelieving father I have a bit to add. Seems you are doing a bang up job so far! I would like to strongly emphasize him doing a lot of extracurricular activities via school. Sports, chess club, whatever it is! Its extremely important for him to have a rich social life outside of the borg. If he has plenty of worldly friends who he gets to visit regularly then I think, combined with your influence, there is no way he will take it seriously as he gets older.
My personal experience is that I always had some worldly associates but the association was strictly monitored and limited by my mom. But, none of my family except my mother are witnesses so I had quite a lot of "worldly" influence. The only thing I didn't do was the extracurricular stuff, which I sort of regret.
The best piece of advice I have seen regarding raising kids is "teach them HOW to think, not WHAT to think." And you seem to already be trying to do that. If you can expose him to many different types of people, beliefs, and experiences, he is going to understand that all these religions are different versions of the same thing, and that just because someone is different than you doesn't mean they are bad people.
A book I bought when my son was born, which I recommend to any exjw parent: Raising Freethinkers: Practical Parenting Beyond Belief
First off I want to tell you you're an awesome dad. My heart goes out to your daughter. If you think it'll help tell her that a bunch of internet strangers are sending her virtual hugs :)
A quick search for local LGBT resources turned up Stonewall and the LGBT Foundation. TrevorSpace is a private forum run by the Trevor Project, a nonprofit aimed at reducing LGBT teen suicide rates. 7 Cups of Tea is an online therapy site. Hopefully someone in the UK can offer something more specific.
If your daughter has access to a therapist or counselor who is LGBT-positive, encourage her to talk with a professional. Therapy can help develop confidence and coping skills in a hostile environment, and having more support is always a good thing. I struggled with anxiety and insecurity myself (though unrelated to coming out), and it helped me a lot. Do you know if her school has any LGBT resources? Can you talk with teachers or administrators about how she's being bullied? I know that having parents and/or teachers intervening is basically the uncoolest thing ever but anything has to be better than what she's going through. That said, (obviously) talk to her first about what she thinks might help in some way.
See what you can do to minimize exposure to homophobia outside of school. Maybe point her towards some teen-appropriate gay movies and books so that she has some positive examples of lesbian relationships. There are a lot of lesbian couples on youtube who do vlogs - there should be people on this sub who can recommend some channels if you're interested. This book is supposed to be a good resource for parents as well. Best of luck to you and your daughter.
Oh Crap! Potty Training worked well for me, though my daughter was younger. That said, the book very explicitly addresses many of the things you brought up:
It is very adamant that you not use pull ups, since as far as the kid is concerned they are just diapers.
Do not just "wait" for the kid to come around. You gotta be active. The book has a really great plan that worked for us. About 2-3 weeks total to go from not using the potty at all to having almost no accidents. She's been solid since.
You shouldn't over prompt (every 30 min is probably too much) or put that much pressure on the kid.
No rewards.
Etc.
Honestly, I skimmed much of the book, but it's definitely worth the price and a quick read over.
Not diapering advice, but potty training method advice. We're finding the method in this book to be effective, and you completely stop using diapers (except for naps and night time, possibly) with this plan.
My son is 3.5 and fully day-potty trained but we still do diapers at night just in case. Night training is different than daytime - its more of a brain maturity thing because the brain needs to wake the child up in order for them to attempt to go, and this just doesn't happen in some kids until later, sometimes as long as 6 or 7. I'm not aware of my son ever even waking up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night yet. Oh Crap potty training book says its fine to wait longer for night training.
This website says 75% of kids have night control by age 4, so we are not going to even attempt until then.
One thing I've noticed as my son has gotten older is that he is moving around less at night. He used to be a karate ninja all over the place and now confines himself to the corner of the mattress, next to the wall, for the most part. So a training pad would probably work just fine by the time we're ready to night train.
We just used this book, and it was amazing. Throughly dug this lady's approach. The gist of it is, if the kid is giving cues, you're ready. Go all in. There's a whole chapter on special cases, like fear of potty and partial training.
As a whole there are multiple stages:
You're also right at the sweet spot. The older they get, the more resistance.
You might want to get this book! A lot of parents of transgender teens have found it really helpful. https://www.amazon.com/Transgender-Teen-Professionals-Supporting-Non-Binary/dp/1627781749
Did you know Amazon will donate a portion of every purchase if you shop by going to smile.amazon.com instead? Over $50,000,000 has been raised for charity - all you need to do is change the URL!
Here are your smile-ified links:
https://smile.amazon.com/Easy-Meat-Britains-Grooming-Scandal/dp/1943003068
---
Never forget to smile again | ^^i'm ^^a ^^friendly bot
If you enjoyed "The Nurture Assumption," you should check out Bryan Caplan's "Selfish Reasons to Have More Kids."
Guys here have given you excellent advice, but there is another option, for those of us who are still young in the Western World, or ridiculously wealthy in the rest.
>There is no need to despair.
>Look up surrogacy in Nepal and Cambodia. I was exited about India because it is cheaper, among other reasons, but I've been told that single men are not allowed to, by law. Mexico and Ukraine are shit when it comes to surrogacy, so don't go there.
>My research so far indicates that it will cost you about $40,000-$50,000 dollars. I haven't done that much so there may be a way for you to go a little lower.
>This may seem like a lot of money but you are young, and you are MGTOW. This means that you have basically zero expenses for the foreseeable future, in comparison to your non-mgtow buddies. Put $220 in a savings account each month for the next twenty years and affording the surrogacy will be a piece of cake. Here is a good place to start.
>Work hard, get a great job and you will get the family you wanted, without the threat of divorce rape/alimony/child support. But don't kill yourself over it. Even if you fail, kids are not all that great. You won't be missing much.
>On the other hand, should you succeed, here is something to make raising it a whole lot easier and more compatible with MGTOW.
I recommend you lead the charge in solving that supposed problem.
Selfish Reasons to have more kids is a good book on twin studies and what they tell us about raising kids.
"In the 1950s, the Holt family set up a charity to help American families adopt disadvantaged Koreans. The adopting families were unusually diverse: Applicants had to be married for at least three years, 25-45 years old, have no more than four children, and have earnings 25% or more above the poverty line. Decades later, economist Bruce Sacerdote tracked down over 1600 of the Korean adoptees to see how much their adopting families influenced their success. The effects were tiny. If a mother had an extra year of education, her Korean adoptee finished five extra weeks of school; if a family had one extra child, its adoptee finished six fewer weeks of school. Richer families and richer neighborhoods made no difference at all. Another study of over two thousand Swedish adoptees found that moms mattered even less, and dads mattered a little more."
Basically, once a family is into kids enough to want to adopt one, genetics plays a much more important role than parents education or income levels.
The author of the article has a highly-rated book, Free Range Kids.
> FREE RANGE KIDS has become a national movement, sparked by the incredible response to Lenore Skenazy's piece about allowing her 9-year-old ride the subway alone in NYC. Parent groups argued about it, bloggers, blogged, spouses became uncivil with each other, and the media jumped all over it. A lot of parents today, Skenazy says, see no difference between letting their kids walk to school and letting them walk through a firing range. Any risk is seen as too much risk. But if you try to prevent every possible danger or difficult in your child?s everyday life, that child never gets a chance to grow up. We parents have to realize that the greatest risk of all just might be trying to raise a child who never encounters choice or independence.
^ I remember reading about that story a while ago and wishing that my parents had taken a page out of her book.
I'd also make the same criticism of my school/education experience. My education was "touristified," to use a term coined by Nassim Taleb in his book Antifragile, which, in my view, prevented me from being able to learn as much as I would have been able to otherwise.
Utah passed a Free Range parenting law last year which I was glad to see. As others have pointed out here, it's practically nil that a child will be abducted by a stranger. It's much more likely that a child will grow up to be afraid of the world, living with anxiety about her chances of having something happen to her.
https://www.nytimes.com/2018/03/29/well/family/utah-passes-free-range-parenting-law.html
This is a great book about the movement to let kids grow up without irrational fears.
https://www.amazon.com/Free-Range-Raise-Self-Reliant-Children-Without/dp/0470574755
From the Amazon description: FREE RANGE KIDS has become a national movement, sparked by the incredible response to Lenore Skenazy's piece about allowing her 9-year-old ride the subway alone in NYC. Parent groups argued about it, bloggers, blogged, spouses became uncivil with each other, and the media jumped all over it.
Perhaps. Although I hate to generalize a group of people, but that is likely true.
Although I don't really blame them, I blame the environment they grew up in as described here:
How children lost the right to roam in four generations
Helicopter Moms vs. Free-Range Kids
Free-Range Kids, How to Raise Safe, Self-Reliant Children (Without Going Nuts with Worry)
Free-Range Kids - Blog
I see people moving in two directions at once, backward as you describe, not just limited to kids but adults that have desk jobs and work overtime. At the same time we have people pushing the envelop, doing extreme sports or 'silent sports' like biking, kayaking, cross-country skiing, but those people are much fewer in number by comparison.
If you can figure out why exactly your baby is crying, that can be a big help. My girlfriend and I could not for the life of us figure out what was making our daughter so upset. At first we thought nighttime was just her "fussy time", which it is for a lot of newborns. Then we read some more and realized that she had a lot of the symptoms of reflux. We adjusted some of our habits (rubbing her back instead of patting to burp her, keeping her upright during and after nursing, feeding her more slowly) and the difference was night-and-day.
For anyone with a baby that has a difficult time falling or staying asleep, I would highly recommend picking up Tracy Hogg's The Baby Whisperer Solves All Your Problems. She goes over a lot of the bad habits parents pick up when trying to calm their newborns, and gives ideas on how to fix them.
We've also found Harvey Karp's The Happiest Baby on the Block to be very helpful. The "5 S's" method (swaddling, side/stomach positioning in the parents' arms, shushing, swinging, and sucking) worked well for our daughter.
Basically what all of the advice in the books boils down to is to read your baby's cues and fix the root of the problem, rather than attempt to patch it with short-term fixes. Sometimes you might think that you're helping, when really you're just developing bad parenting habits and reinforcing certain behaviors in your child. I was really surprised when reading those books how many bad habits we had picked up in just a few short weeks.
Read The Happiest Baby on the Block for the newborn phase. I haven't had a chance to put it into practice yet (got another 4 months to go!) but I have friends who swear by it. Plus, it seems to make crap ton of sense, science-wise.
As far as newborn, we had some good success with the baby white noise albums. This is just a bare example but it comes with a story I will leave for later. Specifically we bought 1 off of iTunes, it was about an hour and a half and included a heartbeat-type noise on top of the general shwooshing noise.
Later when she grew up a bit (6 months old, 1 year old, whatever) we filled up a 2 gig jump drive with all the smooth, mellow, folksy, hipster music I have in my library (bands like The Capsules, Seabear, Sufjan Stevens, Iron & Wine, etc etc)
Why that music? Cause I AM HER FATHER AND SHE WILL LISTEN TO WHAT I TELL HER TO. Nah, but seriously, I like this type of stuff, I picked the softer of it to give to her while sleeping. Music is important to me, I want it to be important to her. At first it was transitioning her from the white noise album to something that meant something to me. Now she cant' sleep without music playing. I'm cool with that for now.
OK, so on to the story about the loud noises and heartbeat: Before The Happiest Baby On The Block became a franchise with DVD sets and followers and a church named after them... (Did that happen yet? It looks like it will) The Happiest Baby On The Block was a book. We bought it and read it and learned a lot of what seems afterwards as obvious information, but while reading, it was unknown.
the point to THIS story is that the 1st 3 months of having a baby you need to replicate what they were used to in the womb. It's loud in the womb, there is all this blood running through vessels and food digesting (I have no idea what the sounds are in a womb) and there is the ever-present heartbeat, cause that guy lives right next door. Anyway, book explains it's loud in there and replicating the noise will actually help calm a newborn, not disturb him.
I highly recommend The Happiest Baby On The Block. It will be invaluable during the first three months or so, which are some of the toughest.
Also, echoing what others have said, a lot of things will work themselves out. It's not rocket science, and it's pretty easy to learn as you go. It's the hours that are hell. :-)
HOWEVER, that being said, don't let stereotypes, movies, and other parents scare you. They will sleep through the night eventually, and you will get to the point where you can resume normal life activities such as going out to eat. It might not be as relaxed as it once was, but it will still be great.
This book was my saviour during those days, hope it helps you too
https://www.amazon.com/Happiest-Baby-Block-Harvey-Karp/dp/0553381466
This book save my sanity and probably my marriage: The Happiest Baby on the Block https://www.amazon.com/dp/0553381466/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apip_aqOKwmV7zV3AJ
The only other tip I can recommend is have a song. I was lucky enough to stay home more than my wife with my daughter the first 6 months and every day I would rock her to sleep to Uptown Funk on low to keep a rhythm. Every time, every day, multiple times a day and she came to associate that song with love, safety and calm. It got us through her first few rounds of shots (I’d play it on my phone and dance with her after to calm down) and an 8 hour road trip when she was 4 months old. Obviously you have to find a song that doesn’t drive you nuts, but to this day, at 4 years old it’s a special song for us.
Pick up Happiest Baby on the Block (but not the sequel, which got weird). There are lots of different techniques to try and at least one should work for you. I had the most success with tight swaddling and the head/knee jiggle.
I can't recommend this book enough. Worked WONDERS for us, you should check it out. http://www.amazon.com/Happiest-Baby-Block-Harvey-Karp/dp/0553381466
Getting them to put themselves to sleep was definitely important for us. Around 4 months old I started laying down my daughter when she was almost asleep but not quite. I'd still stand over her crib and push her pacifier back into her mouth for about 45 minutes until she was good and out. She'd sleep through fine after that. With my son he didn't even want to be rocked, it was too stimulating. One time I rocked him for an hour and he still wasn't asleep. I laid him down to go to the bathroom and by the time I came back he was asleep. Ever since then (he was about 2 months old) I rock him for a few minutes and then lay him down. At 6 months old the little one should be able to suck thumb or grab onto a pacifier a little easier and not need quite as much help.
That was the recommendation from Happiest Baby on the Block and it worked well for us.
Oh mama...my first baby was like this. My supply seemed to give just enough to keep her going but not ever fill her up to the point of knocking her out for a long bout of sleep...
Are you swaddling at night? Swaddling, a sound machine, no light/blackout curtains...(all the stuff that's suggested in the Happiest Baby on the Block book, basically) these can help you get a little more sleep but you may just not have a kiddo that sleeps at night yet. If she's falling asleep at the breast and not drinking, try doing a diaper change (get her cold!) before a feed - take off her onesie during the feed if necessary so that she's not tempted to doze. Tickle her cheek, toes, back whatever.
After the feed, if she won't take a pacifier (which isn't recommended until 8 weeks anyway if you're breastfeeding), you can try putting her in a baby wrap and walking her around. Have HUBBY do this of course so you can sleep. My first daughter would cry all night unless at the boob or being walked around in the K'Tan wrap...it was rough and it lasted for almost 15 months before she was ready to sleep through the night.
It's like walking, every babe does it on their own, when they're ready. 5 weeks is still really young (you're not out of the "Fourth Trimester" yet!) Set yourself up to do some safe co-sleeping so you can at least doze while nursing at night.
I'm sure you're doing fine - just keep nursing on demand (it seems like it lasts forever but it won't...) :)
Check out The Happiest Toddler on the Block.
(You can preview it on Amazon)[http://www.amazon.com/dp/0553384422]
It's been a huge help with our 18 month old and tantrums.
He may be getting to the upper age limit for this, but I highly recommend the happiest toddler on the block by Harvey Karp. By the way, ignoring him may be somewhat effective in the short term, but could lead to resentment and other underlying emotional issues down the road.
Like others have said, none of this behavior sounds out of the ordinary. My son is about the same age and has experimented with lashing out physically (especially when he's tired). When the aggressive behavior comes up, how are you and the day care staff handling discipline? Time outs (just briefly tell him why and hold him on your lap in a boring area until he calms down) have been working well for our guy. If you don't already have it, I HIGHLY suggest picking up this book from the AAP it's literally the manual for taking care of a kid from 0-5 years and is written by doctors. Good luck!
I picked up Caring for Your Baby and Young Child: Birth to Age 5 - great all around reference from the American Academy of Pediatrics.
Is this the book? http://www.amazon.com/Deal-Whole-Approach-Your-Brain/dp/0671041576/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=undefined&sr=1-1&keywords=deal+with+it
There are a couple great books you should read, the first one just came out and is called 'The Wonder Down Under: The Insider's Guide to the Anatomy, Biology, and Reality of the Vagina' It was written by two medical students and answers so many questions! (I'm 32 and didn't know some things about my own anatomy.) Another one, called 'Deal With It! A Whole New Approach to Your Body, Brain and Life as a Gurl' (please forgive the silly title, it came out around 2001) has answers to not only what is and isn't normal bodywise, but also teaches you about a lot of other stuff teens deal with.
See my flair.
Maybe some of these or books like these will help you explain things to your kids.
http://www.amazon.com/Parenting-Beyond-Belief-Raising-Religion/dp/0814474268/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1326736652&sr=8-1
http://www.amazon.com/Just-Pretend-Freethought-Book-Children/dp/1877733059/ref=pd_sim_b_7?ie=UTF8&refRID=1TST6CPCNP7RGVV1RVT7
http://www.amazon.com/Raising-Freethinkers-Practical-Parenting-Beyond/dp/0814410960/ref=pd_sim_b_3?ie=UTF8&refRID=1TST6CPCNP7RGVV1RVT7
http://www.amazon.com/Maybe-Yes-No-Dan-Barker/dp/0879756071/ref=pd_sim_b_5/175-5906093-8191060?ie=UTF8&refRID=161YVFZQ1AYMJBH8S80V
http://www.amazon.com/What-Do-You-Believe-Publishing/dp/0756672287/ref=pd_sim_b_2/175-5906093-8191060?ie=UTF8&refRID=161YVFZQ1AYMJBH8S80V
http://www.amazon.com/Older-than-The-Stars-Karen/dp/1570917884/ref=pd_sim_b_3/175-5906093-8191060?ie=UTF8&refRID=161YVFZQ1AYMJBH8S80V
Came across this great book:
Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief
http://www.amazon.com/Raising-Freethinkers-Practical-Parenting-Beyond/dp/0814410960
Great book: Raising Free Thinkers
My boys are only 18 months and 11 weeks, so I've only skimmed it, but my wife's read quite a bit of it and it seems great.
There are a few resources for you:
Philosophy for Kids
Junior Skeptic Magazine
I have an 11-year old who is very interested in discussing philosophy, and sometimes talking and learning together is the best approach. There's not as much of a 'right answer' as it is a process of inquiry. Also, if it fits with your worldview, McGowan's book on Parenting Beyond Belief is also really helpful. Good luck and enjoy the ride!
I loved Brain Rules and Brain Rules for Baby
One book that had just tons of awesome resources (and a great bibliography) that we both loved was
Raising Freethinkers
This book has links, places, printouts, all kinds of resources that you can use.
We read that at the same time as Brain Rules for Baby and they complemented each other nicely.
I read Nurture Shock before we started the dive into preparing to be parents and really enjoyed it. As a research scientist (anthropology and medical education, pimpofpixels nailed it!) I was very familiar with the majority of studies they mentioned and was able to access the ones they mentioned but did not really go into deeply enough. It was not conjecture, the research is valid. However, I felt like you could get an a lot more out of it if you are wiling to do some more legwork. For me that was okay, research is what I do, but for the parent or soon-to-be parent who does not have access, time, or wants a comprehensive how-to, to do additional research might get frustrating.
I liked the book as a brilliant starting point, a good way to start multiple dialoges.
For me us it was one of the better pre-parenting books we read (my favorite was Equally Shared Parenting) because it made us dig deeper and start to really reflect on how ready we were to start a family.
The chapter on race was one that I most helpful to us, not in the advice it gave, but by making us both stop and ask some questions that we had not considered.
After reading it I asked my hubs, who is white, (I am Latina) "You didn't talk about race/ethnicity as a kid?" I was a bit shocked that he said no. He did not ever remember talking about race, except on MLK day but that was in school. Even when he transferred to a private catholic school that was 90% Latino and suddenly felt very alone and isolated because he was not part of either Catholic or Latino culture, his parents never acknowledged that this school was any different then his previous one.
He said that he never told his parents about his culture shock because the conversation about race was either avoided or never acknowledged. He felt it was off limits. So instead of talking about it with his family he felt the need to assert his cultural identity. He wanted something to be proud of. Due his family's history of being Irish and Welsh on his father's side and French and German on his mother's side being (his words) whitewashed, he latched on to the only thing he was familiar with, his Southernness. Because his parents never talked about race (they wanted their children to be "colorblind") he assumed that his ethnic identity should be represented by the American Confederacy. It was not until HS that he made the association of the Confederate flag that hung in his bedroom to the fear it evokes in minority groups. He was again confused and upset this time because he felt like he had hurt his friends. He never agreed with confederate ideals, he was just a little kid trying to create his own identity. He struggled with this by himself because his family was "colorblind" and he just didn't know how to talk about it with them.
It even became an issue while we were dating. Various members of his family would make both overt and subversively racist comments. When I finally got tired of it and started pointing it out I was called an "angry minority." I would beg him to speak up, but he was so uncomfortable talking about race with his own family that what he would say was either so neutral that it fell flat or I was left to carry the burden.
He was fine talking about race and ethnicity with friends, my family and with me because it was a topic that was not taboo. It took him years to be able to firmly and confidently articulate how he felt when his family made those sorts of comments. Now he has developed his ethnic identity by studying the German and Welsh languages and bringing in the cultural practices of his ancestors to our family. Slowly, but surely the comments have stopped and a dialogue has started. It is not perfect, but it is better then the inner turmoil that comes with not being open about race/ethnicity.
Because of the dialogue that started from "Why white parents don't talk about race" he went out and searched for resources. Since he was not taught how to talk about race/ethnicity and because our children will be the only bi-racial children on his side and on my side be a part of a multi-racial cohort of cousins, he didn't want me to be the only one with input on this topic.
Sites with practical advice and resources on teaching children about race/ethnicity and religious diversity:
Understanding Race from the American Anthropological Association
Teaching Tolerance a project of the Souther Poverty Law center
Talking to our children about Racism and Diversity from The Leadership Conference on Civil and Human Rights
I am totally going to add pimpofpixels suggestions to our reading list.
TL;DR: As a research professional the research in Nurture Shock is valid. However, I personally feel it is a better starting point then a how-to manual. If you want more research based parenting there are other great books that complement Nurture Shock.
I recommend 2 books.
http://www.amazon.com/Raising-Freethinkers-Practical-Parenting-Beyond/dp/0814410960
http://www.amazon.com/Habits-Highly-Effective-People/dp/0671708635
The first deals specifically with raising them without religion. The second one, he uses many examples of his family and it's quite a good book as far as parenting goes although you wouldn't know it from just the title.
(I have two boys 2 & 5)
"I would highly prefer her to be atheist as well"
I think this is mistake number one. I think you should want her to be rational and skeptical, atheism is typically just a byproduct of these vastly important characteristics. In the end, atheism is right and if you raise a kid to question and be skeptical, religion won't win I promise you. It can't, it ONLY works when people are convinced as children and raised to believe doubt is wrong. Teach Doubt and you will be fine. Right now my five year old tells me he believes in god, last week he didn't. I don't really care because he is 5 and that is what kids do. Don't worry too much about that part is my advice. Don't worry about other people so much trust that you can raise a daughter who is intelligent enough to come to the rational decision on her own. I don't know about you but that decision is still probably the most monumental decision I've made in my personal life and I cherish going through it and getting to this point.
On death, I say just be honest. Tell them about how are bodies break down and go back into the circle of life. All of that stuff that actually happens and is really quite beautiful. Kids can handle reality better than fantasy I think, because kids will naturally have questions and being able to have REAL answers is key.
Here are some good resources that helped my wife and I quite a bit.
Raising FreeThinkers: http://www.amazon.com/Raising-Freethinkers-Practical-Parenting-Beyond/dp/0814410960/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1334847247&sr=1-1
&
Parenting Beyond Belief: http://www.amazon.com/Parenting-Beyond-Belief-Raising-Religion/dp/0814474268/ref=ntt_at_ep_dpt_2
Get this book:
Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief
https://www.amazon.com/Raising-Freethinkers-Practical-Parenting-Beyond/dp/0814410960
Read this book, together with your significant other. Discuss it.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0814410960
The idea that forcing our youth into these prisons until they are 18, because we have deemed them unable to be of use society until then is ridiculous. Don't misinterpret me, education is extremely important, mandatory schooling just isn't the way to go about it. I'd recommend reading this.
The fact that people are downplaying your experience is sad. No, it's obviously not a literal prison, but the fact is that you didn't commit a crime to have to be there, and the years you spend in highschool should be the best of your life, it should be your basic right to not be treated like shit by every adult in the institution just because you are where you're told you're supposed to be. If you or your friends are finding it difficult check out this book.
https://www.amazon.com/This-Book-Parents-Gay-Kids/dp/1452127530
This...
We stayed home the entire weekend, started Saturday and we got the peeing part done in 1 day, but still working on the poop. I kinda wished we had the third day but we both had to go back to work on Monday....
Here's a book I like >>>> "Nothing to do with Islam"
Some lesser known books about the Islamification of Europe that I recommend:
East Meat
Enemy of the state
Dark Albion: Requiem for Britain
Fistfights with Muslims in Europe (better than the title suggests. Basically a travelogue of an American in Europe whom is coming to terms with a continent undergoing profound change)
Sweden in a time of Immigration: How the Sweden Democrats turned the elite into a frenzy
We just picked up Baby Bargains by Denise and Alan Fields. It seems really helpful - lots of product guides, reviews, and suggestions for first time parents. Again, we just picked it up today so take this for what it's worth, but I'm happy we did and already feel like we've gotten our money's worth.
Edit to add I've heard good things about Experimenting with Babies and Be Prepared, but I haven't looked closely at either one.
https://www.amazon.com/Easy-Meat-Britains-Grooming-Scandal/dp/1943003068
Congrats on soon becoming a mom! Since you're already self aware of your pessimism/narc fleas, you'll be able to avoid doing what was done to you. I have two kids but didn't realize my parents were narcs until after they were both born. I've always feared that I would become my father and for the first few years of my first child's life, I basically was. I found myself getting irrationally frustrated at his normal child behavior and yelling at him. My wife, much like your husband, came from a loving family and told me my behavior wasn't healthy. Long story short, I sought out therapy and have made significant changes in the way I parent. My kids are much happier now, my wife is much happier and so am I.
I can offer you a couple of pieces of advice:
• As a parent your goal should be to raise a health, happy human being. The way you do that is by teaching your child how to conduct themselves in the world, how to socialize, how to interact with others, how to apply themselves and so forth. What your parents probably did to you was yell, threaten and use emotional manipulation to control your behaviors. You basically want to do the opposite of this. You want to teach your child how to control themselves so they can make the correct decisions on their own. Let's take your greens example. Instead of yelling at them, you should offer them the greens and explain why eating greens is important. You should also model for them the behavior you want by eating the greens yourself. If they tell you they don't like greens, then offer them several other healthy options and let them decided which one they like. Here is a great video that talks about this and offers more advice on effective, healthy discipline.
• Pickup a copy of 1-2-3 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12. My therapist suggested this book to me and it really is magic. It sounds too good to be true when you read but it actually works! It's changed the entire dynamic of how I interact with my children.
• Don't react to your kids. When they act out or do something you don't like, stay calm, think about what you should do, then respond appropriately. There is a difference. Your child will need to learn how to regulate and control their emotions. They learn that from watching their parents. If they see mom blowing up and losing her cool after they do something you don't like, they will learn that is how they are supposed to respond when something is done to them that they don't like. By staying calm you show them how to appropriately respond to stressful situations.
• Take responsibility for your actions. If you mess up, or you yell at your child for something, admit you were wrong and apologize to them. Explain to them that what you did was not acceptable and that you are working on changing your behavior. Show them you were wrong but that you are working towards fixing it. This will build huge amounts of trust with your child. No one is perfect. They will see that you mess up sometimes too but you take responsibility and do your best to make it better. Part of this is also learning from your own mistakes. You do actually have to take responsibility and make sure you learn from your own mistakes so you don't do them again. If you tell your child you won't do it again, but then you do it again 3 more times, they will get the message that you say one thing but do another. Don't let this happen!
• Kids change every day. What works for you one day will eventually change and you'll have to figure out a new way to do it. That's totally normal and part of process of parenting. As much as your kids will be learning from you, you'll also be learning how to be a parent from them. I know that sounds strange but it's true. Your kids will present you with different challenges and you'll have to figure out how to overcome them.
• Give them praise. Tell them your proud of them. Tell them they're brave. Prop them up every chance you can. They need your love and support through their entire lives. Love them, support them and be there for them. This will mean you'll have put your interests aside at times but do it for them. Build up their self esteem with positive messages, kind words and healthy role modeling. Be the person you want them to be. Be the person you always wished your parents would be.
• Make sure you take care of your needs. You need proper rest, nutrition, exercise, socialization, relaxation and so forth. Take the time to recharge your batteries once in awhile. This will help you stay calm and help you be a better parent. You can't fill another person's bucket if yours is empty.
• Communicate with your husband everyday. Talk about the challenges your facing, the things you find helpful, the small wins you get. Listen to him, talk about his life and his concerns. Be partners in parenting. Talk things through and find solutions to problems together.
• Be present with your kids. Put away the distractions (phone, TV, internet) and enjoy them. They will grow up faster than you ever though possible. Enjoy the happy moments. Take lots of pictures and videos.
• Listen to them. Listen to their needs and desires and help them grow as humans. They will need your guidance as they reach certain milestones in their life (first day at school, first time a friend is mean to them, etc). Be there for them.
• When in doubt, show them love. You won't have all the answers all the time and that's okay. What your child wants more than anything, especially when they're young, is your unconditional love. Even if you're upset with them, tell them you love them. It will mean a lot to them.
One last thing I would say is keep an open mind and work on being the best you can be. No one really knows how to be a parent until they become one. We all learn how to do it as we go. Stay positive, be a good role model and love your child. You'll do great!
closer to 30 years. Sikhs were making documentaries about this stuff in the 80s since the rapey newcomers (read: Pakistanis) moved into their neighborhoods when they first started migrating into Britain.
http://libgen.io/book/index.php?md5=921D3F2BFB16DE275BF2F8409EA07575
https://www.amazon.com/Easy-Meat-Britains-Grooming-Scandal/dp/1943003068/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1467250775&sr=8-1&keywords=easy+meat
You being in the middle is going to be hard on your mental health. Just remember that YOUR feelings matter and do what you need to do to alleviate your stress.
Try reading this book w/ DH. Something has to change before it's too late.
Wow! You are certainly a generous friend!
As soon as Grandpa left after Christmas, I wrote a thankyou card for the gifts he gave, and asked my twins to draw him a picture.
We've also taught them that Santa Clause is a glorified delivery man who just picks up the presents from our friends and relatives and delivers them to us, so they can understand presents were a gift of love and not just careless gestures from an unfathomably rich guy that can give them anything.
But I don't like the way they treat their toys. I wish they could be more respectful and grateful for the things they have.
They like to watch YouTube vids that are made by other little girls, and normally I don't mind, but the episodes after Christmas were sickening! The little girls on the vid were just bragging about the piles of presents they had gotten. So not my kids are not allowed to watch that particular display of greed, but damage is done a bit, I think.
When I was their age, I was lucky enough to get a charity box for Christmas from a local church group. Of course, they gave me one for the wrong gender and instead of a barbie doll, I had a GI Joe with military uniform, and a Planet of the Apes action figure, but at least it was something. And some of my classmates had so many nice toys that they took for granted. I'd just marvel enviously whenever I went over for a playdate, wishing we could play with some of those things, but they were so blase' about it.
Things they took for granted, like being able to eat candy, take-out, spaghettios and even breakfast cereal with the little marshmallows, were an almost unheard-of luxury in my family.
It's not just in third-world countries where people sometimes don't get enough to eat.
Sometimes when the kids are being finicky about their food, I have to put my foot down and either they eat it or be excused from the table. It's hard sometimes doing that, but if I cave, they won't respect my word or understand that consequences actually happen.
My husband would sometimes cave and undermine me and that was a real struggle, trying to get him on board. Still struggle with it sometimes. I've taken to writing rules on the walls of our home in washable crayon: "Rule#1: Meals must be eaten 100% or there will be NO dessert!" and I make everyone repeat it before mealtimes, sometimes.
It makes me feel like such a b---h sometimes, and I hate that.
Maternal overcompensation is something I really struggle with. I feel so guilty sometimes for my own perceived shortcomings as a parent, and I find myself trying to make up for that by buying them stuff. I've tried to restrict myself to thriftstore stuff, but it's not a good habit, so I've constantly got to talk myself out of it.
We've done attachment parenting until they were about 5, and now we're trying to detach a bit and let them be a bit more independant. Two books we found helpful in disciplining them were:
1-2-3 Magic
and
If I have to tell you one more time...
and we do a point system for them to earn prizes/allowance with this reward/chore chart which also has behaviors on it as well as chores.
But even with all that, it's an uphill battle sometimes. Especially since we don't use physical discipline. My mother had no trouble at all in getting me to be obedient because she had a helluva backhand. But I don't want to be doing that with my own kids, so it's harder work. And sometimes I am SO tempted to 'use my hands', so I have to take some 'mommy time-out space' for myself sometime.
Check out 1-2-3 Magic it helped with our 2 oldest when they were in the 2-4 range.
Hang in there I know it can be rough at times and me and my wife are constantly having to pick each other(and ourselves) out of what feels like our own personal mental hospital(when the walls are smeared with feces it really helps complete that image).
Sanity is not easy to come by with little ones in the house. Hang in there though and you will make it through!
I'm not one for peddling Self Help Books - but "Say Goodbye To Crazy" is a good starting place.
https://www.amazon.com/Say-Goodbye-Crazy-Restore-Sanity-ebook/dp/B014W0587S
She had very good day. She proved herself she still has control over her lousy beta ex. This is a "crazy" trait. Read this: https://www.amazon.com/Say-Goodbye-Crazy-Restore-Sanity-ebook/dp/B014W0587S
He had a bad day. His day was so bad, he came over whining on the internet. And, I made his day even worse (unless this fucking piece of weaksauce shit won't bother to read the comments).
It isn't there. Searched it now, and skimmed it back in 2014.
The actual source: https://www.amazon.com/Easy-Meat-Britains-Grooming-Scandal/dp/1943003068
Fell off a truck here: https://www.scribd.com/doc/211485752/Easy-Meat-Multiculturalism-Islam-and-Child-Sex-Slavery
There's a great book called say goodbye to crazy. You are who they wrote the book for.
https://www.amazon.ca/Say-Goodbye-Crazy-Restore-Sanity-ebook/dp/B014W0587S
That's good to know!
A friend of mine suggested the Baby Bargains Book and I'm so happy I followed her advice! It's awesome - full of up to date and incredibly in-depth product reviews, and all kinds of advice on how to save money. The version I linked is the newest. They also have a website and you can get the book/website combo access for a little more than the cost of the book. Totally worth every cent.
I was a walking anger bomb for the first couple months. I'm more in control now. You've got lots of good suggestions in the replies. Here are some specifics that helped me:
We went with Amazon. I think most importantly, buy and use the baby bargain book. It's updated every year , which is why I recommend buying it over borrowing it from a friend. What I particularly liked in the book is that they tell you what the must haves are and what crap you think you need that you actually don't (like baby wipe warmer and such). It also gives comprehensive reviews of items based on your budget.
There is a great baby bargain book that has information on all the important categories and ratings on them to let you know which things are worth it and which aren't. Super helpful!
https://www.amazon.com/Baby-Bargains-furniture-strollers-maternity/dp/1889392448
Everyone has different opinions, but mine are
Sleep: Ferber
Discipline: 1-2-3 Magic
Like a lot of things with kids, routine and consistency are paramount. Unfortunately, he is a little too young for the Discipline and might be a little too old for the Ferber sleep method, but they might be worth looking into. You can find summaries on the internet too. It can be a tough age.
This book has been my lifesaver with registering. So incredibly helpful. As a first time mom I was clueless! The name is decieving bc it's called Baby Bargains but it's so much more than that. It breaks down the items you need and than gives you reviews and grades the different brands and will summarize in the end with what they suggest (based on user reviews) is the best "cheap" product, mid-range product and high end product. So it's not just about getting the bargain...it really helped me with picking out our crib.
I know you don't have a ton of spare time to read up on this but when I was a nanny for children with similar issues, I had a ton of luck with 1-2-3 Magic. I first learned of it when my mom actually used it on my twin brothers when they got so defiant she was having trouble getting them out the door to school andher towork. http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1889140430?pc_redir=1413880689&robot_redir=1
I'm reading Bryan Caplan's Selfish Reasons To Have More Kids. I find the message incredibly heartening and uplifting. He smashes a lot of the myths underlying the modern intensive parenting style, and offers practical, fact-based ways to make child-rearing a LOT less stressful and high-stakes, while offering the refreshing-these-days view that kids are actually fun and worthwhile to have around even from a selfish perspective.
It reinforces a lot of my preconceived ideas (I've always been a fan of free-range, anti-tiger-mom type parenting) but it's nice to have the data to back me up.
​
NPR overview of the book here
GANZ WICHTIG:
Pädagogen/Erziehungsratgeber und ähnliches sind NICHT dein Freund und schon gar nicht der deines Kindes. Sie verfolgen oft ganz eigene Ziele. Auch wenn man hin und wieder faktisch richtige und nützliche Informationen bzgl. Kindererziehung erfährt, wird dies durch die Menge an Falschinformationen ganz schnell wieder aufgewogen.
Lies das hier, wenn du englisch kannst:
https://www.amazon.de/Selfish-Reasons-Have-More-Kids/dp/0465028616/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1501526273&sr=8-1&keywords=selfish+reasons+to+have+kids
Eines der wenigen Bücher zu dem Thema mit "harter", wissenschaftlicher herangehensweise und auch eines, welches dir wirklichen Nutzen bringt.
Falls du kein (gutes) Englisch kannst:
1: Dein Erziehungsstil bewirkt langfristig bei deinem Kind weniger als du denkst.
2: Du selbst auch nicht.
3: Relaxe und hab Spaß bei der Erziehung, Stress ist außer in Einzelfällen unnötig.
Here's a great book that you can use to convince your husband. It is written by libertarian economist, Bryan Caplan.
and here's [your reply] (http://www.amazon.ca/Dude-Youre-Fag-Masculinity-Sexuality/dp/0520271483/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1456965122&sr=8-1&keywords=dude+you%27re+a+fag)
Is the baby too old for the Harvey Karp, Baby on the Block method?
I'm a new dad and this book is working wonders.
Get the following:
When the pediatrician comes to check in on the baby while at the hospital, ask TONS of questions. They don't mind and it will make you feel better. That's what you're paying them for!!
Finally, relax and enjoy. They are tougher than they look.
One of my wife's friends wrote this one...not a bad book, I suppose. Lots of good information about pregnancy, things that are good to know from the dad's perspective.
The one your wife is going to read, and you should also read, is the classic What to Expect book. That's sort of the "pregnancy bible", lots of really good information in there, most women read it.
Another one that I really got a lot out of is If Your Kid Eats This Book, Everything Will Be OK. That's written by an ER doctor who talks about how to tell the normal illnesses and maladies that aren't worrisome from the ones that you actually do need to be concerned about. It's saved my wife and I from a handful of ER/Doctor's Office visits.
The final one is the one I recommend over anything else. If you buy no other books/dvds, buy this one. It might save your life, sanity, and/or marriage:
The Happiest Baby On The Block
I'd recommend both the book and the DVD, but if you only get one, get the DVD. Hell, many libraries carry it.
Any and every parent I know who has watched it basically thanks Harvey Karp for making the first 3 months entirely bearable. It teaches you how to soothe a screaming infant, quickly and calmly...it makes for a happier child, and happier parents. Buy it, or rent it, or whatever...just make damned sure you see it before d-day.
Outside of that, a quality swing that plugs in (not one that runs on batteries...you will spend the difference in cost between the two on batteries) can be great. Our little girl, along with a few of our friends kids, all loved the Ocean Wonders one by Fisher Price...although for whatever reason, it seems to be ridiculously expensive on Amazon. I believe we paid 150 or 200 for it brand new. Worth every penny...cheap swings are just that: cheap. They aren't comfortable, they aren't well made, and they don't work for particularly picky infants (e.g. my daughter). I have a few friends who had more laid-back kids who have said that the cheaper swings work, so if money is tight that's something you might wait on until you meet the child:)
For most baby stuff, you get what you pay for. The stuff that works is going to be expensive because it works. I tell most of my friends that my experience is that you buy the best rated thing you can afford (just because it's expensive doesn't necessarily mean it's good, always find product reviews!).
Anyhow, through the pregnancy, the best thing you can do is just be interested and involved. Try to remember that your wife/partner might seem to lose her mind a few times, and it's mostly hormones...so let the crazy slide a little bit more than usual.
Other than that, just square yourself with the idea that your old life is done, and you now have a new one. Everything changes with kids, and the more OK you are with that, the better you will be as a dad. It's the best change you could ask for, and most dads will say that they wouldn't go back to the life of video games and nightly partying for anything in the world now that they are dads. It's worth giving all of that up a million times over. But don't fight it. Don't tell your wife that she can handle being home with her one-month old alone because you're stressed and need some time with your boys. Don't say that you can't get up in the middle of the night because you have an early tee time. Don't tell her that you shouldn't have to help clean up the kitchen because you worked all day.
That kind of stuff comes naturally to most guys, and I certainly hope it does for you. You find that when you just let the change envelop you, instead of trying to shoehorn your old lifestyle into your new life, things are easier and much more fun. The change is good, and it is inevitable. Fighting it just makes you, your wife, and your child miserable.
This book was recommended to me by my cousin shortly after my son arrived. While I found it really hard to read some times (the author talks in circles, as I recall) the four things to do to calm a baby are:
Now, these four things will depend on your kid. At first, my son didn't care about pacifiers much, but swaddling worked great up until 30-4 months old. Learning the right combination of each for your shild will take a little practice and patience.
He didn't care for actual swings, but if you held him and rocked him back and forth gently, that was just fine.
Shushing can really help when they're upset - just hold them close and gently "shushhhhh" into their ear.
Our son also spit up a fair amount; we ended up using Dr. Brown's bottles to reduce it (a lot of bottles draw air back inside the bottle thru the nipple and this basically aerates the milk/formula and can dramatically increase the amount of air in the baby's tummy and increases the amount of burping you have to do.
Welcome to the club!
The Mayo Clinic Guide to a Healthy Pregnancy was a gift from a friend and my absolute favorite when I was pregnant. I've gifted it to several friends since. "What to Expect" I found surprisingly off-putting, much more "What to Expect if You Are Married and Upper-Middle Class".
For later, I loved Simplicity Parenting, Baby-Led Weaning, and The Happiest Baby on the Block. Those last three I got from our local library.
I found this series of ["Show Me How"] (http://www.amazon.com/Show-Dad-How-Parenting-Magazine/dp/1616281111/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1421526055&sr=8-1&keywords=show+dad+how)
books to be humorous and quite helpful, there's [one for mom] (http://www.amazon.com/Show-Mom-How-Parenting-Magazine/dp/161628112X/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1421526055&sr=8-3&keywords=show+dad+how) too.
Working at a book store I have had several new parents looking for the [Happiest Baby Books] (http://www.amazon.com/Happiest-Baby-Block-Harvey-Karp/dp/0553381466/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1421526423&sr=8-1&keywords=happiest+baby+on+the+block) (there's one for toddler's too). The American Pediatric Association also has a [book] (http://www.amazon.com/Caring-Your-Baby-Young-Child/dp/0553393820/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1421526506&sr=8-1&keywords=caring+for+your+baby+and+young+child+birth+to+age+5) that covers Pre-birth to 5 years. I read a chapter each month to keep me up to speed on the miles stones ahead, my son is 3 now and it was incredibly helpful.
Good luck!
I have used this http://www.amazon.com/Happiest-Baby-Block-Harvey-Karp/dp/0553381466 on my kids and even showed it off to a few of my family members kids. I am not at all associated with this guy at all but holy shit does this work. The first time I did what they said my wife thought that I got rid of our first born cause he was a cranky kid(still is but that is besides the point :) ) However, they really do stop crying in a few minutes as long as you do it right. This dvd saved my sanity until they got old enough to talk back. If you want, PM me and I can give you any tips or pointers for it.
this book made me excited to have a fussy baby! "Happiest Baby on the Block" by Harvey Karp, MD
The Happiest Baby on the Block. It worked wonders for us as well. 5 S's all the way!
I’m reading a book right now called [The Happiest Toddler on the Block] (www.amazon.com/dp/0553384422/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_9dfLAbT9RXDNY). It’s helping me to better understand my son’s developmental stages and how to help him grow into an emotionally conscious person. One thing I’ve learned is the art of listening, not just telling him “no” all the time. My wife is a kindergarten teacher and highly recommends it.
I've been wanting to pick up this book for my own little. There are some very inexpensive used copies!
For your tiny turtles, I recommend the Encyclopedia Brown books. They were my absolute favorite at that age. They're really fun detective books that encourage critical thinking skills while improving reading! Check them out; they won't be disappointed!
I also recommend signing. In addition, check out The Happiest Toddler on the Block.
Sounds good. FYI, I highly recommend "The Happiest Toddler on the Block"http://www.amazon.com/The-Happiest-Toddler-Block-Four-Year-Old/dp/0553384422/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1343327766&sr=8-1&keywords=happiest+toddler+on+the+block
I does a great job of explaining to talk "toddlerese". There is also a DVD they made if you want to watch examples.
First: Congrats!
Sounds good that you guys are already sitting down and talking things through. Fact of the matter is that you'll never be 100% prepared to have a kid, nor will you be prepared for what your kid does tomorrow. They change so fast and it's all new to you. Your instincts to nurture and love should get you a long way, and stay smart/ahead of things when it comes to daycares, school registration, supporting your kid, etc.
When I found out my wife was pregnant I was the same age as yourself. I found that reading books written for "dad" weren't for me because they were too cliched in their approach. I purchased, and read, this book: Caring for your young child birth - age 5 by the APA. Also get yourself a copy of Baby 411. That book talked us off the ledge and kept us out of the ER a number of times.
The other thing I did to prepare was to get consumer reports to research cribs, car seats, etc, etc, etc. That helped me quite a bit to narrow down the field, and then I cross referenced reviews and pricing on Amazon and my local baby stores.
New dad pro tip: Build the crib inside the baby's intended room. Assembled, it probably won't fit through the door so if you build it outside the room, get ready to rebuild it inside anyway :)
Also, take care of your lady. She's going to go through some serious shit for the next 9-10 months. Support her, be there for her, care for her.
https://www.amazon.com/Caring-Your-Baby-Young-Child/dp/0553386301
It had a pretty good breastfeeding section. Everything in it is going to follow AAP guidelines, so just about a safe as possible. Most of the pregnancy books are also going to have some breastfeeding stuff too-- just choose one that is more medical (ie the Mayo Clinic one)
The best thing I did was take a breastfeeding class at the hospital, that was really helpful.
Every parent should get "Caring for Your Baby and Child: Birth to Age 5" by the American Association of Pediatrics. It's our go-to whenever something new or unexpected comes up.
I think it's pretty normal to have some anxiety, especially with your first kid. The first two weeks are the hardest. Just go into survival mode and concentrate on making sure everyone is fed and getting some sleep. Make sure you have a good diaper changing station so you can change diapers in your sleep. Trust yourself, your wife, and your kid to figure things out. Because you'll learn as you go and it will get easier.
There are a lot of resources out there too.
The best all around book I had was Caring for Your Baby and Young Child, 5th Edition: Birth to Age 5 by The American Academy of Pediatrics. It covers all the essentials and was written by pediatricians so the advice is solid. Looks like you can get it for $5 used from Amazon.
For me it was "The Missing Baby Manual."
Good luck. You'll do fine.
The best guide to developmental milestones is the AAP book:
http://www.amazon.com/Caring-Your-Young-Child-Edition/dp/0553386301/
This is what our pediatrician recommend, me and my husband call it "the manual"
Healthy Children is also run by the AAP.
If things get too tough don't be afraid to make an appointment with your pediatrician just to talk. Our daughter was especially difficult at that age she gave really excellent advice that helped.
This book saved my life during puberty. If you're worried about being invasive, it might be a better option, and is definitely an acceptable gift. There is literally everything in there, from birth control to masturbation to homosexual feelings.
> Do you have any evidence that it was feminists who are responsible for the greater knowledge of female sexuality, instead of say, pornographers, or people like Alfred Kinsey?
I think feminism paved the way for our current understanding of female sexuality in a way that pornographers or Alfred Kinsey could not because it brought real female perspectives into the mix for the first time. It's impossible to understand your own sexual organs and desires as a woman when everything you're exposed to is filtered through a heterosexual male lens. Watching porn doesn't teach you shit about sex, and it gives you a skewed perspective of your own sexuality. Over the last 25 or so years, with the onslaught of sex positive feminism, women and girls can talk about their sexuality for the first time without the risk of becoming pariahs. Having a female perspective for the first time in history has drastically changed the sexual landscape.
I should note that there can be a big difference between feminist literature that discusses female sexuality and literature for women that discusses female sexuality. I would not recommend Cosmopolitan Magazine as a resource for young girls. My (sex positive feminist) mother subscribed me to New Moon instead of Cosmo when I was growing up and that gave me perspective that often differed from my female friends who were subscribed to Cosmo. I also grew up with the feminist gURL.com websites for girls. I was a little too old for their sex ed book for girls when it came out, but I definitely think it shaped girls' understanding of their bodies. Jessica Valenti is definitely relevant to this conversation as well—I read The Purity Myth when I was in college, but I think it's an invaluable resource for young girls who are dealing with slut shaming and confusion about their virginity (which is definitely a feminist issue). The website Scarleteen is a sex positive feminist sex ed resource for teenagers that also comes to mind.
These examples don't prove my conjecture that sex positive feminist resources for girls have shaped our current understanding of female sexuality, but I will say this: if you barred a girl's access to these resources and only allowed her knowledge of sexuality to be shaped by porn, popular media, and science, she wouldn't have any close to a decent understanding of her body and sexuality. An alternative lens with which to view these things is necessary and increased access to that lens in recent years has contributed to a completely different understanding of sex.
This book seriously changed my life.
So very informative, and not weird about being informative.
Also, if she has questions, answer them. Don't act like her period is some gross thing you don't want to talk about, or something you wouldn't know about because you're a guy.
I'm not assuming you would do this, just saying it sometimes seems to come across as a joke to some people but it's like.... every year a girl goes through it for the first time ever, ugh. lame.
periods suck.
I had my hymen cut at 13. It was septate and getting in the way of trying to use tampons. I started masturbating before I had it cut, but was ashamed of it for a long time because I was told that it was sinful. However, my mom encouraged it, but I didn't want to hear that from my mom.
I learned from books better than having to listen to my parents or peers about sexuality stuff in general. I first had the American Girl book "The Care and Keeping of You", then I moved up to this book and then I moved to "The Guide to Getting it On" which is huge and incredibly informative. I read a couple chapters in borders before buying it.
Oh, and focus on the clit, most women can't orgasm from vaginal stimulation alone, however the feeling of "fullness" can help. Use your fingers, water faucets, or try grinding against something. I only have a mini vibe, so I don't know what it can do as far as penetration. Also, it is helpful to have foreplay with yourself to relax and get in the mood. I'm also not sure what the laws are, but they now sell vibrators in discreet boxes by the condoms. However, you might want to get more comfortable with yourself before delving into sex toys.
A really good book (it might have some more "graphic" information) is "Deal With It! A Whole New Approach to You Body, Brain and Life".
I would read it before you give it to her, it has great info that you will need too. It does discuss things in a very "no holding back" way.
It goes into body image, a great chapter called "What's in my panties?!?" about signs of infections etc., mental health, masturbation, and a whole gamut of things.
But read it for yourself before you give any book like this to your kids. To see if it's there intellectual level and goes with your beliefs.
Here's a piece she wrote that advocates for a conservative morality and traditional values: http://books.google.com/books?id=tGPYH6dnrEMC&pg=PA248&vq=sommers&dq=%22traditional+values%22+%22Christina+hoff+sommers%22&lr=&source=gbs_search_s&sig=ACfU3U36y2jiv3LaemaskAgGF0gbH9bsbA#v=onepage&q=sommers&f=false
The sample covers all but the last two pages of the chapter.
But it's not just that she supports traditional conservative values, she also argues directly against lots a feminist ideas. She has written that feminism is anti-male student and education is biased in favor of women (http://www.amazon.com/The-War-Against-Boys-Misguided/dp/0684849569#), that the gender wage gap is a myth (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/christina-hoff-sommers/wage-gap_b_2073804.html), and most relevantly that “it is no longer reasonable to say that as a group, women are worse off than men.” (http://www.aei.org/article/society-and-culture/msinformation/)
You can agree or disagree with the things she says, that's not the point. The point is she does not believe the things that almost all feminists believe, so it doesn't make sense for her to label herself a "feminist." Especially because of the last quote. It doesn't make any sense to take up the feminist cause if you don't think that women are worse off than men. Feminism is literally built on that idea. If you think women are no worse off than men, how can you possibly think that a "feminist" movement is something worthwhile?
http://www.amazon.com/War-Against-Boys-Misguided-Feminism/dp/0684849569
I can't believe I hadn't thought of this, because it's important: Find 'The War Against Boys' by Christina Hoff Summers in your local library, or order a copy.
In brief, there was a survey done by the AAUW that painted girls as victims and boys as oppressors / benefactors of The Patriarchy. This report was a major factor in shaping gender policies in schools throughout the late '90s to the present day. She examines the survey and report, and shows its weaknesses and biases.
Oh, my daughter is usually 1-2 weeks ahead of the "leaps" but once I noticed that trend, I just auto-adjust when I read the book and look at the app. I also appreciate that they mention many times in the book and app that no baby will ever hit 100% of the milestones all at once.
I guess I should also recommend "What to Expect: The First Year" - There's a lot of this book that I really don't like, but the most helpful bit of it is how they break down what "a few", "some", "half of", and "most" babies do at each month in the first year. It helps me be logical and not freak out when my daughter doesn't hit some milestones when she's "supposed" to, and feel proud when she's accomplished some things that only "a few" babies do at that time.
For instance, my daughter is almost 9 months and does not crawl at all. I don't think any baby hates the notion of crawling more than she does. She also rarely rolls over, even though she was supposed to have mastered this 3-4 months ago. But, she claps (which she's not "supposed" to do until she's 11 months), waves (same), and pulls herself to standing (1 month "early"). It helps me not worry knowing these things!
The books that helped me the most are these 2.
What to Expect When You're Expecting
What to Expect the First Year
"What to expect the first year"
http://www.amazon.com/What-Expect-First-Workman-Publishing/dp/076115213X
Pretty much a basic baby manual that tells you everything you need to know.
You probably need to get it official that you have 100% custody. This will take a lawyer. It sounds like the mother is very unstable and will need to have zero contact, at least for now.
I found a lot of the books geared towards mums like What to Expect The First Year and The Toddler Years by the same author/publisher to be a little condescending and where I wanted to know how the brain worked and why my daughter thought like she did, these books answered a little too superficially for my taste, and I also disliked the format. I found myself referring to a textbook I had from college (I started as a nursing major but ultimately went a different route when I discovered I wasn't very good with "customer service"). This book is readable but explains more the physiologic and psychologic changes the child, adolescent, and ultimately adult goes through, and I found it way more helpful than the "mommy" books. Any similar textbook would probably work. I bet they have child development textbooks that would be even better.
I try to live by the "treat others as I would like to be treated" adage and I think the same applies to be successful with children. I don't think being INTJ would be a hinderance to enjoying or relating to children. In fact I think their simple, honest, forthright nature is actually easier for us to understand.
I found the first three months very hard (I am the mum) coping with little sleep and the initial hurdles with breastfeeding. But I made sure to take everything one day at a time, and stay well rested and hydrated.
I googled every little thing my baby did, but the best resource was actually this book: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/076115213X/ref=redir_mdp_mobile/188-6777316-8943906.
My year got significantly better as I embraced the change - for instance my baby thrived on routine where me and my husband were disorganized and quite lazy - which was probably the biggest lifestyle adjustment!
if she still wants to stay within christianity, I suggest UU or TEC (the episcopal church) both are fairly progressive non-indoctrinational churches. We go to TEC, and my girls love it the two oldest got to go to their first sleep away camp and they loved it, they are even open to the fact that even tho I am still Christian, my spirituality is more closely align with agnostic theist and my hubby is Secular humanist/agnostic atheist. but as with everything it would also depend on your parish, not all churches are made equal even within a particular denomination. also I suggest helping her develop her own critical thinking. have her read [the magic of reality] (http://www.amazon.com/The-Magic-Reality-Whats-Really/dp/1451675046/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1406185178&sr=8-1&keywords=magic+of+reality), and [Philosophy for kids] (http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1882664701/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o04_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1) also read [Raising Freethinkers] (http://www.amazon.com/Raising-Freethinkers-Practical-Parenting-Beyond/dp/0814410960/ref=sr_1_sc_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1406185579&sr=1-1-spell&keywords=raisin+free+thinkers).. Edited: for grammar and to add one more book suggestion..
I plan to buy this book: https://www.amazon.com/Raising-Freethinkers-Practical-Parenting-Beyond/dp/0814410960, and also now I am away from my country and any muslim communities, which should help a lot in shielding my kid from religious teaching.
Also you might want to read this book: http://www.amazon.com/Raising-Freethinkers-Practical-Parenting-Beyond/dp/0814410960
> the modern church offers a lot of value for raising children
When I first left the church I felt the same way.
But then I ordered some non-believer parenting guidebooks on raising your children with ethics and it blew me away.
One easy reading 250 page book had more valuable and useful information on teaching children to be kind and loving than I could find in all the 1000s of pages of mumbo-jumbo, confusing, contradictory scriptures and church publications put together.
Raising Freethinkers - Practical Parenting Beyong Belief
And then there were brilliant books I found for the kids, I stupidly didn't realize stuff like this existed outside the church.
Maybe Right, Maybe Wrong
What Should Danny Do?
Parenting Beyond Belief —cannot recommend it enough.
I am also eager to check out the companion book: Raising Free Thinkers
Sure, it's something my husband and I have talked a lot about. We don't want to isolate our kids from religion but we also don't want an overpowering, manipulative religious force from our families. Our families aren't into infant baptism, so we didn't have to deal with that one in particular.
We have not addressed religious type gifts specifically yet since our one kid is still young. So far we've just gotten rid of books that are religious and they've caught on that those kind of gifts aren't really welcome. We'll probably communicate some guidelines for that in the future.
A book that was helpful to me is Raising Freethinkers. It's a more practical followup to the book Parenting Beyond Belief. I found it helpful because my only experience is growing up in a very religious environment, and it has lots of ideas on how to approach religion and religious topics with your kids. I like that its goal is to encourage your kids to come to their own conclusions, not just telling them what to think.
Also, our local Unitarian society has an amazing kids religious education program. We're thinking of taking advantage of it for our kids. It helps kids learn about and explore all sorts of ideas about different faiths and beliefs without being dogmatic or indoctrinating.
Hope that informative, and good luck navigating religious ideas with your kids and family!
Yes, Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief
Here's a bunch of stuff someone gave me. Enjoy!
The book The Transgender Teen by Stephanie Brill and Lisa Kenney is your new bible, seriously. Read it, then give it to your parents. There's also a new book out for Trans teens and their families, called Where's MY Book? by Linda Gromko, MD. I haven't read it yet, but it looks well worth a look.
Check out http://t-vox.org/ and http://camparanutiq.org/ . You'd love Camp Aranu'tiq.
Watch this great video too. It's about Trans kids and it's really good. (Ignore the line from one mom about how blockers are "brand new". They aren't. They've been used for decades. The books I mentioned above explain a lot more about all that.)
Your parents should run, not walk, to http://groups.yahoo.com/group/tyfa_talk/ and join it. It's a wonderful parents-only group specifically for parents of Trans and gender-questioning kids who are 18 and under. There's a lot more to it than "you should support your kid". There's lots for them there, even if they think they're already supportive. On Facebook, they can join these great groups for parents of Trans and gender-expansive kids: here and here. And here on Reddit, they can check out /r/cisparenttranskid.
Trans Youth Family Allies, Gender Spectrum (and their fantastic conference), and the Trans Health conference, among other resources, will help your whole family a lot.
To find a therapist who gets Trans issues (most don't, and are unhelpful at best and actively harmful at worst), see http://t-vox.org/medical and http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/ . For the second link, enter your location and then select Transgender from the Issues list on the left.
The nice folks at the Gender Development clinic at Lurie Children's Hospital in Chicago, the Gender Management Services (GeMS) clinic at Boston Children's Hospital, The Center for Trans Youth Health and Development at Los Angeles Children's Hospital, the Genecis clinic at Children's Medical Center Dallas, the gender clinic at Seattle Children's Hospital, BC Children's Hospital in Vancouver, and/or the Trans youth clinic at SickKids in Toronto can help your family connect with more providers and support networks in your area for Trans children and their families, even if you're not near any of those clinics. They do a lot of networking with groups and providers across North America and around the world.
Not a parent myself, but a while ago I read this book because I had some of the same questions. I recommend it.
Both of these books have been recommended to me, but I haven't read either yet. They might have some ideas:
I just got this book, Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief. I have just skimmed it so far (too many freaking books) but it gives some good ideas on how to teach critical thinking, science, and how to introduce religions to your kids. (introducing them to the different religions of the world, and what they think / practice)
We had a very similar experience! 4 years of treatments, when another IUI failed we called it all off for a break. At that point we were truly at the "not ever going back to church" decision. One month later, preggo! Our son is now almost 17 months, not blessed, will never be involved in the church himself, and I have formally resigned. Its AWESOME! May I recommend two great parenting books I've loved reading and that have helped me a lot on my way out of Mormonism and in learning how to raise my boy without the church?
http://www.amazon.com/Parenting-Beyond-Belief-Raising-Religion/dp/0814474268/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1376170920&sr=1-1&keywords=parenting+beyond+belief
http://www.amazon.com/Raising-Freethinkers-Practical-Parenting-Beyond/dp/0814410960/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1376170920&sr=1-2&keywords=parenting+beyond+belief
Best wishes and of course CONGRATS!!!!
Raising Freethinkers and other books like it are a good start.
Kids need to be taught how to think not what to think.
Check Parenting beyond belief by Dale McGowan.
Weapons of Mass Instruction: A Schoolteacher's Journey Through the Dark World of Compulsory Schooling.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/0865716692
Congratulations on getting in on the ground floor so young - I had absolutely no political interest until I was around 21 and learned about libertarianism, but it would have made a significant difference in my life if I had learned about it earlier. Especially since I lived in the same town as Harry Browne, who is often considered to be the best Libertarian presidential nominee (twice nominated, actually) ever.
If I could recommend one thing you do, read Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand. It's a life changing book. If you look around the world to you and see that nothing makes sense and you want to know that you're not the only one who feels that way and you want some answers, Atlas Shrugged is for you. I called into a radio show one time and read my favorite quote from the book (I read a shortened version of the quote but the full text appears in the graphics here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UnDTUF3_8Qg ). If you don't like reading, I understand perfectly - I HATED reading when I was a teenager: all the garbage is was force fed by the government schools made me associate reading books with agony. Schools don't encourage students to develop their own taste in literature, so if these stats are accurate (they actually seem on the conservative side to me), it shouldn't be surprising:
http://hotforwords.com/2011/04/11/42-of-people-who-graduate-from-college-never-read-another-book/
>1/3 of high school graduates never read another book for the rest of their lives.
42 percent of college graduates never read another book after college.
80 percent of U.S. families did not buy or read a book last year.
Anyway, what I was getting to is that even if hate reading (and this is a VERY long book), you might find the audiobook version a lot easier to swallow:
http://www.amazon.com/Atlas-Shrugged-New-Ayn-Rand/dp/1433256193
The MP3 CD (4 discs) starts at $45 here. It lists the narrator as Scott Brick. He's a different narrator than the version I had listened to by Christopher Hurt. I haven't heard the Brick version, but if you can find the Christopher Hurt version I highly recommend it.
And since you're young, perhaps a good fit for you would be to find a nearby chapter of Young Americans for Liberty:
http://www.yaliberty.org/chapters
They mostly organize on college campuses but I bet they would be more than happy to have a high schooler join.
And while I'm on the topic of college, you're parents will probably try to railroad you into college. Don't let them. INSIST they present you with other options (such as learning a trade) so you can decide for yourself what you want to do. Better yet, research this stuff yourself - I haven't read it myself but the Teenage Liberation Handbook sounds like a great place to start: http://www.amazon.com/Teenage-Liberation-Handbook-School-Education/dp/0962959170/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1322208726&sr=8-1
One more name I want to drop is Johnathan Taylor Gatto - he was a mulitple winner of NY teacher of the year at public schools and has since turned his back on the public school system and researched what it's really about. This 10 minute speech might wet your appetite: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C8cr0p9HaG8
You need this book: https://www.amazon.com/Teenage-Liberation-Handbook-School-Education/dp/0962959170
My daughter's 12 and also desiring to be an artist, and I worry about her creativity getting crushed by some jerks. Don't give up to the assholes!
It is in the US, as I am still under the iron fist of the law.
This book will tell you just about everything you need to know.
Here's a PDF, but I'm not sure how old it is.
See if you can get a copy of http://www.amazon.com/The-Teenage-Liberation-Handbook-Education/dp/0962959170
(Googling for the book title + "PDF" or "download" may be fruitful)
Consider unschooling, too! I was unschooled, though my parents didn't realize that's exactly what they were doing. I enjoyed learning on my own VERY much growing up (and I still do).
A great starting place to learn more about home/unschooling is The Teenage Liberation Handbook (amazon) by Grace Llewellyn.
The Teenage Liberation Handbook
Hey, not sure if this helps much, but I thought I could share. I have been out of school since I was 6. I have hippie type parents, so they never requiered any formal schoolwork from me. I do get questioned frequently about it. I usually just try to explain that I spend my time on things I'm actually interested in. (Like programming, screenwriting, etc.) I have health problems too, and I spend a lot of time researching and trying new treatments.
My Mum dropped out of high school in the beginning of her senior year, got her GED, and majored in anthropology. Sometimes dropping out is your best option.
Anyway here's the link to a fantastic book on dropping out, learning on your own, finding work, college, and more. (I think the pdf is available online for free.)
http://www.amazon.com/The-Teenage-Liberation-Handbook-Education/dp/0962959170
Good luck with whatever you decide!
I have a question for you guys - what on earth are you still doing in the gulag of "public schools" (government prisons)? I remember my experience, and it sounds like things have only gotten worse since I graduated ~a decade ago. If I knew then what you guys know now, there is no way I would set another foot inside those perverted halls of ridicule, scorn, bullying, violence, indoctrination, and suffering. They are stealing your childhood, and you are letting them!
Sorry, look, I know what it's like to be beaten down your entire life by these monsters, but you have insight into a truth that sets you apart from 99.9% of your peers. I'm honestly curious, what is preventing you from simply saying to your parents, look, I'm done with it? If you are familiar with and can articulate the arguments of, say, Gatto or Molyneux, are the people who control your life so closed to the truth, or to alternatives to your "education"? If so, what is preventing you from walking away from them as well? I just don't get why you aren't devoting 100% of your excess time/energy to extricating yourselves from these monstrous institutions that do you irreparable harm. If it's a lack of resources (time/money/food/shelter), is this something that we as a community should be stepping up and responding to?
Check out The Parents Project and This Is A Book For Parents Of Gay Kids. Like you mentioned, she might or might not be gay or bisexual, but regardless of what her sexual orientation is, these are great resources that will help you show your support to her. She is lucky to have a dad who loves her the way you do!
We used this book and it was amazing: https://www.amazon.ca/Oh-Crap-Potty-Training-Everything/dp/1501122983/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1484518013&sr=8-2&keywords=potty+training
I highly recommend it and we were able to potty train our daughter in a few days.
The method I use is very similar to the 'Oh Crap Potty Training' book, although the last time I potty trained was over 10 years ago before this was around. Basically, you spend 2 days entirely dedicated to potty training the kid and are then done with it. Since I usually had 5-8 foster kids at a time, I was never keen on letting the process drag out for weeks or months.
The above book details the process, but the bulk of the book is emotionally preparing the parents to potty train (which is usually the biggest hurdle in the process). The steps are basically take the diaper off your kid, and let them pee on themselves. Move them to the potty. Next time they start to go, move them to the potty. Repeat 100x. It has never once failed to potty train one of my kids. Some kids it really only takes an afternoon, others it takes the full 2 days with some accidents for a week or two after.
Kids also vary on the overnight aspect. I myself wet the bed until I was age 10... but obviously I was "potty trained". I put a paper diaper on my kids overnight until they were around 2, just to minimize mess from possible accidents. I'm usually awake until at least 11pm-midnight, and would take the kids to pee before I went to sleep, thus reducing the chance of them wetting overnight.
You can also train your kids to pee on command. It sounds funny but is very useful! While you're potty training, make some noise or say a word every single time they pee. I go "pssss" and laugh and the kids go "psss" as well and love it. Pretty quick they come to associate that sound with releasing urine. You can put them on the toilet before leaving the house, or in the middle of the night, or in the middle of a tantrum, go "psss" and they will pee without even thinking.
I've helped a lot of friends potty train their kids, and it really is the parents who need to be "ready", not the kid. Most of my foster kids were special needs and of course raised in very questionable circumstances, and also not necessarily bonded to me... yet I was able to potty train all of them, and even my sister's son who has cerebral palsy and somewhat limited bladder/bowel control.
Do it when your kids are young and it's just a function. Wait until they can reason/argue with you, and it becomes a battle of wills and emotions.
That's why I highly recommend reading the book linked above, because for most people it's more than just the methodology, it's a new mindset they need to develop.
My only son turns 2 in a couple weeks and we haven't started potty training, so I don't speak from experience lol. But it still seems pretty early in the process if you've only gotten serious the past 3 days. Peeing in a potty is such a big change from everything they've previously experienced their entire life!
Whether you keep at it now or decide to put it off a couple more months, good luck! We plan to start after Halloween. I read the "Oh Crap" book and plan to use their method.
This one?
https://www.amazon.com/Crap-Potty-Training-Everything-Parenting/dp/1501122983
My daughter is 20 months too. I'm reading the Oh Crap potty training book and we've bought a potty, a toilet seat and a stepstool.
This method basically involves going diaper-less over a long weekend. If we haven't done it around her birthday in October, I think we'll look at the Christmas holidays as go time!
Suggesting this book: Oh Crap! Potty Training
Mine wouldn't go on the potty either, he would just sit. I think it feels weird to them before they start to PT to not go in a diaper. They are used to the way it feels.
We PT'd our son around 2.5 and he did really well with it. We left him naked from the waist down for the first two days. We had to adjust the pants off/commando routine in the book because he's in daycare, but we were surprised that it clicked so well. I know some people do not have any luck with that book, but for under $10 we gave it a shot.
Yes, it is probably the most widely recommended book on potty training.
It's early, but some kids can do it at that age. I recommend the book Oh Crap! Potty Training by Jamie Glowacki.
My FTM son came out to me at age 14.
Scene: In the car, coming back from a therapy appointment.
Him: “So... uh... mom... I’m a dude.”
Me (already suspecting he was LGBTQ+): “Oh! Ok. Thanks for telling me! Do you want to talk more about it?”
Him: The floodgates open and it all spills out. He’d been questioning forever and sure for a year, and had already told his friends and therapist.
Me: Feeling sad that he didn’t feel he could share it with me sooner, but trying to hide it. “A year? Did something change that helped you feel ready to tell me now?”
Him: “Well, I knew you’d be OK with it, but you’re very action-oriented. And I wasn’t ready for action. But I am now.”
Me: Laughing, because he nailed it. I would have rushed him. “Yeah. You weren’t wrong. So do you have a plan I can help with?”
He just wanted his correct pronouns at home and school, to talk about new names, and figure out everything else. So that’s what we did.
Now, more than a year later, he has socially and legally transitioned, and just started on T two months ago. All is well.
Good luck! ((Mom hugs))
And if you want to share this with your parents, this book was very helpful for me:
The Transgender Teen: A Handbook for Parents and Professionals Supporting Transgender and Non-Binary Teens https://www.amazon.com/dp/1627781749/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_e44HDbSF620E1
OP, I am about a third through a book called Raising Freethinkers and I highly recommend it.
Raising Freethinkers is a great book. It gives many tips about not influencing your children, making them think and arrive to their on conclusions.
Book
Yes, I do. But understand "kind of immune" and "absolutely immune" are not the same thing.
The best books on the topic are Parenting Beyond Belief and Raising Freethinkers by Dale McGowan.
You might want to pop over into their forums also.
http://parentingbeyondbelief.com/forum/
They are mostly abandoned at this point but still filled with good previous discussion.
I've done many things with my young son like teaching comparative religion, making a game out of lying to him to see if he catches on to tune his bullshit detector, etc. Still, there's no guarente what he'll choose when he's older, and that's fine with me. I've done all I can to help him think well about the world, understand and look for good evidence, etc, and that's the best I can do.
Have you heard of / read Weapons of Mass Instruction? I'd like to know you're opinion on it.
Quite the contrary.
Here are two great reads if you're interested on getting the "abolish the Dept. of Education" peoples take. It's not so much "screw them" as it is "we can give children a better education".
https://www.amazon.com/Dumbing-Down-Curriculum-Compulsory-Anniversary/dp/0865714487/ref=asap_bc?ie=UTF8
https://www.amazon.com/Weapons-Mass-Instruction-Schoolteachers-Compulsory/dp/0865716692/ref=asap_bc?ie=UTF8
http://www.amazon.com/Weapons-Mass-Instruction-Schoolteachers-Compulsory/dp/0865716692/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1301671958&sr=8-1
Haven't read this book yet but it looks interesting. This guy basically complains that the system of schooling in the US is based on principles that advocate "dumbing down" society..
HBD
Darwin’s Enemies on the Left and Right Part 1, Part 2 (Blog Post)*
The History and Geography of Human Genes (Abridged edition) – Luigi Luca Cavalli-Sforza
The 10,000 Year Explosion – Gregory Cochrane
Race, Evolution, and Behavior – Rushton
Why Race Matters – Michael Levin
****
Intelligence and Mind
The Bell Curve – Charles Murray
The Global Bell Curve – Richard Lynn
Human Intelligence – Earl Hunt
Cambridge Handbook of Intelligence – Robert Sternberg
A Conflict of Visions – Thomas Sowell
The Moral Animal – Robert Wright
The Blank Slate – Stephen Pinker
Egalitarianism as a Revolt Against Nature – Murray Rothbard (essay)
****
Education
Real Education – Charles Murray
Inside American Education – Thomas Sowell
Illiberal Education – Dinesh D’Sousa
God and Man at Yale – William Buckley
Weapons of Mass Instruction – John Taylor Gatto
The Higher Education Bubble – Glenn Reynolds
****
​
I didn't really get the bit about water and words. Could anyone explain it?
Here's that placebo effect video they briefly showed bits of. It's really well done.
Also, that piece on education made me think of the book Weapons of Mass Instruction.
Oh god, I can very much relate to this. I was severely bullied as a child too. I strongly recommend homeschooling, especially unschooling. That's what I did since I was 16. It allowed me to learn a great deal in spite of my severe school phobia.
The book Teenage Liberation Handbook by Grace Llewellyn
http://www.amazon.com/The-Teenage-Liberation-Handbook-Education/dp/0962959170/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1395201857&sr=8-1&keywords=teenage+liberation+handbook
"Teenage liberation handbook"
You might want to read this. I don't know how prevalent the type of alternative school you describe is, but you may want to consider homeschooling. You wouldn't have to rely on your parents to teach you, which is a common obstacle for aspiring homeschoolers. You could follow an AP or IB curriculum so that you wouldn't have to worry about how your education would be perceived by colleges. If you can't find the sort of school you'd like to attend, that is what I would recommend.
Check out The Teenage Liberation Handbook by Grace Llewellyn.
Your situation may be different than mine, but here's a story anyway...
I dreaded starting 10th grade. In the week before the first day, I remembered what previous years were like. Sleep deprivation, social awkwardness, sitting with the same people I didn't like every day, and intense fear of disappointing my teachers and parents. I was expected to get straight A's and when I deviated from that, my mom would guilt trip me with intense arguments to the point where I wanted to kill myself out of hatred at my inability to live up to expectations.
My problem was that I couldn't do homework. The harder I tried, the worse it was. I somehow managed to finish it during class before it was due, but it was often late. Usually when I tried to tell myself, force myself, convince myself, do anything I could to just sit down and start writing, an intense sickness welled up in my stomach. Deep down I knew I didn't want to do this routine work, this meaningless excuse for "education". I wasn't learning anything, and I couldn't trick myself into thinking I was. I got no life-benefit out of this homework and for whatever reason I was too stubborn-at-heart to submit to doing it. I wasn't meant for this life.
Not to mention I had no social life. It wasn't that people didn't like me so much as I got along okay with everyone, but connected meaningfully with no one. Couldn't understand people, and people couldn't understand me. The emotionally-traumatic home situation didn't help me be well-balanced.
So that week before class started, I knew it would be the same. I knew I'd always feel depressed, lonely, and stressed out. I knew I wouldn't have time or energy to pursue dreams like making video games. I knew I'd be a disappointment to everyone I loved. And I knew I would hate school, hate everyone around me, and hate myself every minute of it. I broke down and cried really hard.
Then, I thought that maybe things would be different. I can work at it! I can set goals, make friends, find a way to do the work. No problem.
I went to school, and felt happy and confident for the first three days. Then, as soon as real homework assignments started, I died inside again. And I stayed that way until Christmas break, when I remembered how I broke down half a year ago, and how wrong I was about "everything is going to be okay". Everything turned out exactly how I knew it would from years of experience. I was still lonely, I was still depressed, and I still have another semester of this to go.
I dropped out after I finished that year. I've been recovering from depression ever since. It's been difficult, but I've gone on adventures like going to the other side of the country alone with only a backpack, couchsurfing and trying to find a job and failing but learning a lot about life and happiness in the process. A lot more than school could teach me. I'm now happier than most people I know.
Look up "unschooling". Here's a book about it.
I'm a part-time babysitter and I believe raising a child right can be one of the most revolutionary things one can do in this world. Two books I'd recommend
Unconditional Parenting Alfie Kohn is a radical in his field, I would pay no attention to almost any other book on parenting than this one.
And for when they're a little older: The Teenage Liberation Handbook This book is written towards teenagers, but i recommend you check it out too. Mostly about unschooling and general hierarchy challenges.
Buy her The Teenage Liberation Handbook.
There is a really good book full of resources here: https://www.amazon.com/This-Book-Parents-Gay-Kids/dp/1452127530
They use the term 'gay' in the title, but it's a catch-all term. They have a whole section on trans issues. I got it for my parents and it's a great help!
“This is a Book for Parents of Gay Kids” by Danielle Owens-Reid and Kristin Russo is an awesome resource! It is aimed at the parent’s of queer adolescents (I gifted it to my very accepting mom after I came out at 20 and it was still a great resource to help her organize her thoughts and formulate further questions that prompted thoughtful discussions for us!) and provides really great insight into what present and future issues your child may encounter. Also provides first-hand accounts from queer youth and their parent to provide additional perspectives that you may relate to. An overall wonderful resource from 2 queer-identifying authors.
https://www.amazon.com/This-Book-Parents-Gay-Kids/dp/1452127530
Best wishes to you and your awesome kiddo!
Have they tried reward systems, buying her new panties she picks out, reading her books about kids using the potty? There’s a book called oh crap, https://www.amazon.com/Crap-Potty-Training-Everything-Parenting/dp/1501122983/ref=asc_df_1501122983/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=312154663427&hvpos=1o1&hvnetw=g&hvrand=11165367220882139930&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9011702&hvtargid=pla-426474776806&psc=1 I have several mom friends that swear by it.
I borrowed this from our local library and used it as a guide
Oh Crap! Potty Training: Everything Modern Parents Need to Know to Do It Once and Do It Right https://www.amazon.com/dp/1501122983/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_J9eFybACN09E1
And I read this book to her about a week before Day 1 of training
Potty Book for Girls, The https://www.amazon.com/dp/0764152319/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_H-eFybXQC3YPM
We started on a long weekend (Saturday to Monday) and she went back to daycare in undies with only about 2 accidents that week.
We still haven't night trained though.
I've read this book. So go naked or bottomless for a whole day while you watch her intently. If she has an accident, just bring her to the potty to finish, and then have her help clean up(pee is sterile). If you've had a successful day, don't go back to undies yet, go commando. Undies contains the pee, so it's not as bad when you have an accident, but they don't want pee running down their leg, it's uncomfortable. Try to do commando for a week if you can. Skirts work great for girls.
Also, while naked, look out for the pee dance. It can be subtle, but I read everyone has a pee dance or indicator.
Information was taken from this book
At this age, you just need to sit him down at set times for long enough to sing the ABCs. Get rid of the diapers and the rewards. The reward for using the potty is not being covered in poop or pee. [Oh Crap! Potty Training] (https://www.amazon.com/Oh-Crap-Potty-Training-Everything/dp/1501122983) worked really well for my 5 year old. Even now, she still needs to sat down periodically sometimes if we're doing something exciting, like going to the zoo.
Hi! I, too, am looking for some help, though we're not at potty training she just yet. Is this the book you're referring to? Oh Crap! Potty Training: Everything Modern Parents Need to Know to Do It Once and Do It Right (Oh Crap Parenting) https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1501122983/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_1rMODb0Y15RMD
We use the Oh Crap potty training method
Oh Crap! Potty Training: Everything Modern Parents Need to Know to Do It Once and Do It Right (1) (Oh Crap Parenting) https://www.amazon.com/dp/1501122983/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_ENY0DbNNDVR23
It involves taking a Friday and a Monday off and being covered in excrement for awhile but it's worked for us!
This book exists:
http://www.amazon.com/Selfish-Reasons-Have-More-Kids/dp/0465028616/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1346463012&sr=1-2&keywords=bryan+caplan
This looks like the card that came with this book:
https://www.amazon.com/Free-Range-Raise-Self-Reliant-Children-Without/dp/0470574755
But that card is in color. Much nicer.
I think 'free range kids' got a mention:
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Free-Range-Kids-Self-Reliant-Children-Without/dp/0470574755
(or was that Haidt?)
> you end up with a cultural association that manliness = fucking women, which leads to not fucking women = unmanly, which leads to homophobia.
I think that's a remarkably simplistic and rather shallow way of thinking about sexuality and homophobia.
Culture has to have a foundation somewhere. To suggest that basing it from biology [is a bad thing] is to suggest that it have no foundation at all. The problem is when cultures become averse to augmentation and evolution. Cultural stagnation is what leads to homophobia, not the reality of biology.
There is no one single cause behind homophobia, and anyone telling you that is just plain wrong. There are, however, a few bigger causes of it. Now, my focus in research for the last few years has been in homophobia in a high school setting - so what follows is mostly associated with that (specifically, US high schools).
One of the larger causes of homophobia goes way back to our more primal roots: pack behavior. We are codified to align with a larger pack, because throughout history those outside of the pack aren't treated well, and (going way back) end up dying of starvation or exposure.
So, skipping a whole lot of time, let's turn the page to the high school setting - which is probably more like the old pack behavior than any other time in one's life. Many / Most kids haven't an inkling of what they'd like to be - and not just in career trade, but in what sort of person they'd like to be. So, packs form around social custom. Much of this - and this is the point you were trying to make - comes from how they observe others behaving. And, naturally, much of this comes from the media. (Sidepoint: HS is also where the gender divide begins but that's a whole different paper).
The harsh reality is, fucking women does equate to a higher social standing. It is codified into our systems, through centuries of natural selection. There were points in our evolution that said, "If you don't spread your seed, you'll be pointless." That's a pretty important thing to have in the genes when you're trying to establish a species.
We're no longer at the point where we need that in our mentality, but it is still codified in there, like it or not. Social customs and social obligations are two different things. Two hundred, even a hundred years ago, you were socially obligated to pump out a few kids to help in the fields. A few decades ago you were obligated to pump out some kids to complete the Nuclear Family (two children, minimum, generally).
As much as the Conservative Right here in the US wants [you to believe], you're no longer held to these obligations. Thankfully.
But all of this time with these obligations which have now become customs has left us with a bit of generational lag. My mother, for instance, has
aseven brothers and sisters. I've got one younger sister - that's a good indicator of how much generational obligations/customs have changed.Part of that generational lag occupies a large part of the media, for several reasons. 1) Sex is codified, and because of that, sex sells. As the media is discovering, all kinds of sex sells - so this little media lag will be going away in a generation or two. 2) It becomes part of the cycle (we're still seeing what's socially acceptable to the previous generation on TV - we're just now seeing that change, just like it'll change again at the end of our generation / set of generations).
Let's get back to our high school kids, who've been organizing themselves into their little wolf packs (thankfully, the French gave us a better word: clique). They see these social customs in the media, and naturally use them as a boilerplate for their own behavior.
Now, here's the important part: evolution.
Turns out, a lot of people get sick of these social customs in the previous generation, and they end up passing those protests on to their kids. That's why you have a generation of women who, when told to stay in the kitchen, respond with, "Go fuck yourself." Over a few generations, this leads to some pretty profound social change. That's how you go from women's suffrage being proposed in 1878, to proposed as an amendment in 1919, to ratified in 1920, and to having the first woman <insert_pretty_much_anything> about a generation (give or take) later. 96 years between "Women? Voting? Sure, I guess." and "Hillary 2016!" seems likt a lot, but think about it. That's the rough lifespan of one person.
And each time a huge social change sweeps through, it makes the ones that follow even easier. Just look at LGBT rights. It didn't take 100 years for a massive amount of change. It seems slow to those of us who get to see the worst of it - but it's remarkably fast.
The other, and in my opinion slightly more important factor in social change, comes from the "Defense of the Different."
It's easy to lose yourself in the articles about cruelty - and that needs to be dealt with. But what we very rarely take note of, is how often it happens that things go well.
Another natural, codified, part of our humanity, comes from saving face, both of ourselves and for our friends. When we form bonds of any sort with another person, we expect those bonds to stay intact [and will take lengths to defend them]. The act of "coming out" is a pretty big change in those bonds, and the reason the process is so painful is that you know you're changing the relationship, because - in a way - you're changing your character. Most of the time, these things go just fine. Horror stories scare us so much because, well, they're horror stories.
Anyway, without going on that particular tangent for another six paragraphs, I'll get back to the simpler point: people like their friends. So, say you've got our little pack of high school kids. Say one of them comes out. The natural reaction of the group may be to cast out the injured individual and keep moving. This is where our evolution comes into play, and when we're supposed to say, "So what?"
Friends have the ability to grab back onto that person and pull them back into the group. The group changes. The group evolves. And as that group grows up and gets out into the world, that little interaction shapes the way they deal with people in their lives.
All of this is very complex, and I'm leaving a whole lot out for the sake of brevity.
The West Wing addresses this group behavior with a nice little DADT discussion that I'm quite fond of.
My points are:
fuck womenprocreate, be powerful."---
Some further reading:
These are only a few of the papers you could read, there's an absolute mass of research out there on homophobia and heteronormality. All it takes is some patience, some reading time, and the ability to coherently form a message from combining and understanding a mass of other content (which is what I do!).
--
Some edits, noted in
strikethroughor [additions].Answers to this question and many more in: Dude, You're a Fag
Nice that someone agrees with my POV on TRP.
> This is one of the first things I've disagreed with. I think it's pretty clear that shit test are real, although not as common as TRP likes to make out. There are plenty of times when I've been hitting on a girl and she's reacted like a total bitch. When I stay and show I'm not intimidated by it, I've had a lot of cases where you can visibly see them become attracted. I don't think it's a stretch to say other people do this on a smaller scale.
In that setting yes shit tests are very real, I absolutely agree.
But if you read the context for this, I am arguing against the notion that is something primal that people do all the time, and that women do constantly in a relationship. I know some women do it a lot in dating. Hell, some women have outright told me that they test guys. But they're a rare breed in my experience. And they're usually the types who like head games. I think the one case where you'll experience a lot of things as shit tests is if you're not being genuine or authentic. People smell that and will try to call you out.
> I'm not sure your point about scientists holds. Scientists haven't studied banter, but it's clearly an important part of interacting. Likewise, they haven't really studied why some people are are cunts, but it's easily identifiable as a character trait. There's barely any research about human cuckolding, but it's very clear it's an evolution strategy we have evolved. In any case, it's very difficult to differentiate shit testing from just being horrible, not least because "passing the test" would have the same effect in both situations. I don't think it would be easy to identify.
Actually, scientists have studied banter. For examples, here's a book about banter amongst teenage boys.
If shit tests were so common and meaningful, at least one psychologist, anthropologist, sociologist or whatever would have described them as such in my opinion.
I've been reading The Happiest Baby on the Block and it's made me feel so much more confident about dealing with a fussy/colic-y baby. The basic premise is that babies are actually supposed to stay in the womb for another few months, but need to be birthed early because of their big heads. So they're unprepared to deal with the world, and that makes some of them extra fussy. He goes over a bunch of techniques for recreating the womb experience to calm the baby down- swaddling, shushing, etc.
This was the best book my wife and I found: Happiest Baby on the Block
http://www.amazon.com/Happiest-Baby-Block-Harvey-Karp/dp/0553381466/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1410421839&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=happiest+baby+on+the+block
Also, SwaddleMe pretty much saved our lives:
http://www.amazon.com/Summer-Infant-SwaddleMe-Adjustable-3-Pack/dp/B003JHYDIQ/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1410421888&amp;sr=8-2&amp;keywords=swaddle+me
As said in this thread, it gets better. We just got through two months and it feels like a hundred years ago we were at 3 weeks.
Your feelings are completely normal. Infant stage is hard, even without a colicky baby! Have you read Happiest baby on the block? It helped us so much.
Control-Fed to see if anyone had mentioned this and they haven't-- "The Happiest Baby On The Block," by Dr. Harvey Karp. I can't imagine what the first six months would have been like for us without it. I still shhhhhh my baby to sooth her at almost 15 months, and it still works. Find a radio station with the flattest static you can, and play it for her, all night long. It'll sooth her and block out background noises that may disturb her. To be honest, the rest of the book wouldn't be very helpful for you now since it's meant for newborns, but the white noise may still work.
If you're this stressed out, your baby can probably sense it. I'm certainly not trying to guilt you more; it's just a really nasty vicious circle. I'm not nearly as at the end of my rope as you sound, but I also work, so I get a 10 hour break every day from my kid, which probably goes a long way. Like you, our families are not close, and we don't really have any friends in the area; in my case, my husband works a LOT so it's often just me and the baby.
Everyone keeps telling me to join a meet up group of moms. I haven't found one yet that meets on weekends, but you seem to be a stay at home mom and it might be easier for you. Also, if you can afford it, something like Gymboree where you can make mom friends and get a change of setting.
Good luck, and hang in there.
Edit: Re: bottles: Some babies don't like bottles at all, they will drink from spoons, or just go straight to cups. Try a straw sippy cup, like this one-- my kiddo's been on them since about 10 months.
Take a look at "Happiest Baby on the Block" http://www.amazon.com/Happiest-Baby-Block-Harvey-Karp/dp/0553381466
Basically you need to do 5 things to calm the baby. Swaddle, Hold baby on the side, White Noise, Jiggle, and Pacifier. It sounds too easy, but it works. There is a DVD that comes with a book that goes through the techniques and it has saved my sanity!
We also bought a motorized swing and a white noise machine that works great at keeping our baby asleep.
I cannot recommend this enough. I used it when my nephew, interesting family situation, was a newborn and have bought it for two friends. They were skeptical at first but soon began recommending it to all new parents they knew as well.
http://www.amazon.com/Happiest-Baby-Block-Crying-Newborn/dp/0553381466
My daughter is only about a week older than your kiddo so I have no idea what I'm doing, but this sounds pretty normal to me. When my little girl is fussy, a change in position usually helps a lot. She likes to be held up in burping position (like this) and patted on the back, or have her legs bicycled.
If nothing else works we go for the 5 Ss, have you seen/read anything from the Happiest Baby on the Block? If we put her in a good, tight swaddle and then bounce/jiggle her she calms right down, even if she fights the swaddle initially.
I highly, highly recommend the books Happiest Baby on the Block and Happiest Toddler on the Block by Harvey Karp. That man is the goddam baby whisperer and I partially credit him for helping us have a baby who was always really happy, content and secure.
Another thing is that I think your relationship with your wife is THE most important aspect of you two parenting together. Make sure you put you guys first (reasonably of course) and work as a fluid unit.
I'd check out The Happiest Baby on the Block then. I read it before my wife did and for a while she thought I was a wizard when it came to putting our first down to sleep. It's not like other books that suggest some new fad for parenting styles, it just has some ideas for how to comfort a baby in the first 3 months that might not have occurred to you.
http://www.amazon.com/Happiest-Baby-Block-Harvey-Karp/dp/0553381466
http://www.amazon.com/The-Happiest-Baby-Block-Crying/dp/B0006J021C/ref=pd_sim_b_1
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It actually could be very useful for people who like white noise and for helping newborn babies sleep. Though I don't have one yet (until October), I read in The Happiest Baby on the Block that vacuum sounds can help calm fussy babies because it serves as stand-in for the type of noise they are used to hearing while in the womb.
A couple of books were really helpful for my wife and I. Namely: The Wonder Weeks and The Happiest Baby on the Block. They help get into your kid's head and understand how he's growing, learning, changing. Also really helpful for encouraging and enriching his life. I still refer to the first one now and then, and Felix is a full-blown toddler.
But really? No one knows what they're doing when it comes to parenting. Books and classes and things can help, but your best teacher on how to be a dad is going to be your kid. Every child is different, and when yours arrives you will learn everything about being a parent from him or her.
Oh, and PS? You will worry about every hiccup and every cough and when your child is finally asleep you will be checking every five minutes to make sure they are still breathing. It's all part of parenthood!
Congratulations!!!!! I read Magical Beginnings, Enchanted Lives by Deepak Chopra. It's a good book on pregnancy and offers some good tips on relaxation, nutrition, etc. It's kind of a holistic, eastern meets western philosophy book. I really enjoyed this because it treats your pregnancy as a beautiful journey.
For babies, I have read [Secrets of the Baby Whisperer] (http://www.amazon.com/Secrets-Baby-Whisperer-Connect-Communicate/dp/0345479092/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1374606157&amp;sr=1-2&amp;keywords=baby+whisperer) and Happiest Baby on the Block. Both came highly recommended by other moms.
I liked this book:
http://www.amazon.com/The-Baby-Book-Everything-About/dp/1491518235
Edit: Also http://www.amazon.com/Happiest-Baby-Block-Harvey-Karp/dp/0553381466/ref=pd_sim_b_1?ie=UTF8&amp;refRID=0CS7A9MYGEXRD9AJ9SFT
Don't get too caught up in Sears books though. I don't have nearly as much money as they do, so I will not be able to do all the things they suggest. I still know a lot more now than I did before.
so cute! but hang in there, have you read The Happiest Baby on the Block? it was a life saver for me during those early months.
No one has recommended "Happiest Toddler on the Block" by Harvey Karp.... so I will! Teaches you all about the psychology of a toddler so you can understand how to prevent tantrums and how to calm them down when they happen. It's written in a kind of silly way (the whole thing uses the analogy of toddlers being like cave men), but I think it's worth a look.
Have you had her hearing tested? My speech therapist recommended this website, although I haven't personally examined it. Do you think that she might be trying to speak, but has a hard time pronouncing the words? If this is the case, then focusing on simplifying the words is best. For example, grapes is hard to understand and difficult to scaffold because you would go apes-rapes-grapes. So I taught my boys uvas, the Spanish word. We did Vas, then uvas. They picked it up in one session.
Sign language can also help with this. My autistic son's words are very garbled and using the sign language helps me figure out what he's sayin and then build on that. For example, when I wanted to get them to say please regularly last month, I taught them the sign and the word at the same time. My son pronounced it as "me/mease" first and, if it wasn't for the sign, I probably wouldn't have recognized "me" as an attempt at please.
You can also use sound effects. Sound effects count as words and they are much easier to get kids to copy. For example, when they were interested in a violin, I made up a sign and a sound. I'd say, "Violin, wee-ooh" and do the sign. They now call violins wee-oohs. Kitty's were "meow", horses are "neigh", etc. The speech therapist taught me this and makes a little noise and action with all the vehicles (both boys love vehicles).
Exposing them to multiple speakers, especially young children, also really helps. Both of my boys pick up more words when they are around other young children saying those words. Siblings can sometimes end up harming speech if they speak for each other, but stranger children can help a lot. Try to have a bunch of different people say the words.
Are you using Don't statements when you correct your child? 21 months is still young and it's very possible she's not fully understanding you. Instead of saying, "Don't climb on the table", say "Please sit in the chair." If she's looking at you while misbehaving, or runs away laughing then that doesn't sound like autism because she's doing it for your reaction. My son has a NT twin who is very stubborn and loves to get negative attention when I'm not giving him enough attention.
Most studies don't show spanking to be an effective form of punishment, so that's probably also contributing. Check out Happiest Toddler on the Block for tips on how to give her lots of positive attention.
If you need a good developmental reference check out American Academy of Pediatrics Birth to Five. It's awesome, it's like an instruction manual for children. Also, a pediatric physical therapist told us a couple month ago they now don't worry about children not walking until after 18 months. Good luck!
I love this book
Caring for your baby and young child: http://www.amazon.com/Caring-Your-Young-Child-Edition/dp/0553386301
This is the AAP's official book on the topic. You can feel safe about taking it's advice. The same can not be said of several others, including perennial favorite Happiest Baby... http://aapnews.aappublications.org/content/34/6/34.full?rss=1
No matter what, do not read or follow Babywise either. Has been linked to dehydration & failure to thrive. http://aapnews.aappublications.org/content/14/4/21.abstract
I totally agree. We have the AAP Guide (this one: http://www.amazon.com/Caring-Your-Young-Child-Edition/dp/0553386301 ) as well as this "baby manual"
I like both because neither push an agenda, and are very straightforward.
I had this book from the pediatrician and it was invaluable.
It's not geared towards fathers, per se, but is much more towards parents rather than just the mother.
Caring For Your Baby and Young Child is the best and most-used how-to manual in our house. Link. It answers questions like "how high of a fever is too high" and "is this a thing I should take my kid to the doctor over?"
I have the AAP Birth to 5 book. It's been pretty helpful along with the interwebs, of course.
If you’re looking for a general guidance book I like the one from the AAP. If you’re just looking for parenting related reading but not really a guide I’ve started “All Joy and No Fun” by Jennifer Senior and I like it so far. It’s more about our parenting culture though. At least from what I’ve read.
Here’s the AAP book: Caring for Your Baby and Young Child, 6th Edition: Birth to Age 5 https://www.amazon.com/dp/0553393820/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_d9u2AbF23P3G3
I'm with you dude. Eventually we found this book from the American Academy of Pediatrics which is back ally a baby owners manual: Caring for Your Baby and Young Child, 6th Edition: Birth to Age 5 https://www.amazon.com/dp/0553393820/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_mov1xb0E4C6ZP
Helped us a ton. I don't have it handy but 90% sure there is a section on bathing
I would like to second The Baby Owner's Manual for your boyfriend.
I recently got the Caring for Your Baby and Young Child, 6th Edition: Birth to Age 5, which is a great reference for all sorts of "what do I do about this?" questions. It's written by the American Academy of Pediatrics.
I also really like The American Academy of Pediatrics New Mother's Guide to Breastfeeding and The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding for some basic step-by-step suggestions for starting breastfeeding and continuing at different ages.
The signs of postpartum disorder and postpartum psychosis. Baby CPR, how to clear throat obstructions, that vaccines are good and necessary, vitamin K is a must, how to change diapers, how to help diaper rash. How to cook, how and when to introduce solid foods, thresholds for fevers at different ages... not to give aspirin to little kids, proper Tylenol doses by weight, how examine rashes for possible meningitis/sepsis... get in the habit checking for kids in car seats all the time, especially when routine changes...
Get Caring for Your Baby and Young Child, 6th Edition: Birth to Age 5 https://www.amazon.com/dp/0553393820/ref=cm_sw_r_sms_c_api_i_c-oSDbTBDHP1T
... how to properly inspect, install and maintain car seats...
All this but most importantly try to learn everything else the mom knows how to do learns how to do.
I think being a man is learning how to raise someone to the point they can take care of babies themselves and raise them right. So this list is just a start.
I was suggested and have purchased Caring for Your Baby and Young Child, 6th Edition: Birth to Age 5
I recommend this book:
Caring for Your Baby and Young Child, 6th Edition: Birth to Age 5
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0553393820/
It was written by the American Academy Of Pediatrics. My wife and I basically use it as our parenting bible. With that book you can be assured that you have the most up-to-date advice on child-rearing topics, like solid foods.
This is a great book that shows you what is developmentally appropriate for little kids. If you read a book like this, then if there is an issue, like a speech delay, you will notice it earlier and be able to get help earlier. https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0553393820/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1
A pediatrician recommended this book to us from the American Academy of Pediatrics, and I think it is an excellent resource!
I highly recommend [Deal with It!] (https://www.amazon.com/dp/0671041576/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_igbyDbSDNBXEH) It was the first book that I read as a 13yo that said it was okay to like boys, girls, or no one at all. Talked about sexual assault, what no means, what it meant if you thought you were trans, and talked about different kinds of breasts and labia. It was the first time I had heard about breast reductions, and ended up getting one a few years later. This book changed my life, and I cannot recommend it enough.
edit: [A very good article about the site that created the book, and how dope it is.] (https://jezebel.com/the-reasons-you-probably-loved-gurl-com-1621531914/amp)
I don't really think I "dealt" with it any different than usual; I wore pads instead of tampons til I was 16 or so and kept a spare pair of underwear on me after one embarrassing incident where it surprised me and I had to tell my male 5th grade teacher I needed to go to the office to call home for a new pair of underwear.
My mom bought me a YM magazine in the spirit of "huzzah, you're a woman now", and also got me this book, which I HIGHLY recommend: http://www.amazon.com/Deal-Whole-Approach-Your-Brain/dp/0671041576. It's pretty old now, but the information is all still great. I still have my copy and am saving it for my future daughter/nieces/etc. It answered every question I could have had that I didn't want to ask my mom. Just a heads up: it's very thorough and contains a page with some pen drawings of penises and also some masturbation info. If that bothers you maybe you could tear those pages out though or something, the book as a whole was immensely helpful to me, and I passed it among all my girlfriends in HS when they had questions. I wouldn't give it to your daughter now, at 7, but whenever she gets her period is probably a good time. It definitely didn't mess me up to read it 10; all it did was make me the most knowledgable kid in my freshman year health class a few years later.
I didn't go to the doctor or anything, and I turned out fine. The only problems that came from it were my decreased height (but whatever, I'm adorable lol) and the fact that my period was never on a schedule. I kept meticulous track of it and it would still show up whenever the hell it felt like, so at 18 I went on birth control to regulate my cycle.
My best friend knows someone whose younger sister got the puberty-delaying meds and grew to be taller than her older sister, but that's about the only noticeable effect. I didn't even know that was a thing until just now, but it seems weird to me. My parents just let my body do its thing and gave me literature so that I'd know what was going on without them having to awkwardly tell me, and I turned out fine.
I bought mine myself when I was 15-16 online with a visa giftcard. There are enough ways to bypass you and for her to get it herself (assuming she has some pocket money) if you don't.
As for what would be age appropriate, I'd be careful about how good of a vibe you get her. Lots of grown women overdo it with vibes and have trouble climaxing with a partner, and it'd be easy to do that with all the teenaged hormones floating around.
I had this book when I was in my early teens and found it immensely informative and helpful It's not all about sex but the chapters on sex and relationships were of particular interest to me.
Edit to remove Reddit. You guys know that mom can teach her to avoid the bad parts and go with the good parts of the Internet, right? The person in question is at least 13-14, and that's old enough to start making decisions about what content to consume online. Obviously crap like r/incels is bad. I wasn't suggesting she go to r/incels, or red pill, or clop or spacedicks was I? No. Sooner or later OPs daughter will need those skills so that it's not a complete shell-shock in college when she gets free reign of the internet. Both of the subs I originally listed are pretty tame compared to the darker parts of Reddit.
As for books, she's at a tough age right now. This Book is A. MAY. ZING. It saved my ass a lot as a teenager. It didn't keep me from entering abusive relationships, but I at least had the tools to recognize and escape them. It has all sorts of stuff. Life stuff, sex stuff, relationships, how to take care of your body. It's an amazing book.
you might try the war against boys
http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2000/05/the-war-against-boys/4659/
http://www.amazon.com/War-Against-Boys-Misguided-Feminism/dp/0684849569
It sounds like the two of you have talked this through and made a decision. That's good. That itself should help your mental state.
Personally, I'm an information person. If something is changing in my life, I look it up. Internet, books, whatever. In this case, I recommend What to Expect When You're Expecting and What to Expect the First Year. They're pretty straightforward, and have information that will make you feel more informed and comfortable, help you decide what supplies you need and make decisions (breast or bottle, crib or bassinet, circumcision, etc.), as well give you little tidbits about how the baby's developing at each stage and how the mother's body changes (things she might have noticed but not thought to attribute to the pregnancy). If either of you is a worrier, I would recommend you skip the chapter on what could go wrong - every other page mentions the words "hemorrhage and die", and even though a complication that severe is incredibly rare, especially with good prenatal care, it might freak you out again. Personally, I read it, but that's just me.
Support each other, and keep communication very open. You need to be working together on this in every way. Keep in mind she may need physical support, as well as emotional. Morning sickness can be a bitch, or she may be tired all the time. Then again, she may get no symptoms. Every pregnancy is different - even for the same woman. You never know how she'll feel.
Find a good OB/GYN she's comfortable with. It's not fun being groped by and sharing intimate symptoms with someone you don't like. Find out what hospital to go to and if he'll be on call to deliver, and if not, who will be. Try to check the place out - some places offer maternity tours. Basically, plan enough and learn enough that you are as comfortable as possible with the process and confident that you know what you want. Be prepared to change your plan as necessary - it happens, and trust me, it's a significant part of parenting.
As for parenting - Be there for your kid. Spend time together talking, playing, and letting him or her know you love him. Learn to be patient, because you'll need it. Cover those, and you cover most of parenting. The rest is about teaching him to be the person you hope he'll be. Every parent starts with no experience and it's all on the job training, so your not at a disadvantage there. You'll learn as much from your kid as he'll learn from you.
Most importantly, don't worry so much! It will all fall into place, and you're in a much better place to deal with having a child than many. I realize that's futile advice, because even when it's planned, hell, even when it's planned and it's not your first, it's nerve-wracking. Pregnancy is like that. But the panic will subside, and you'll calm down tremendously once you realize that you can handle this - and you CAN handle this.
Congratulations, and good luck :)
GTFO
If you aren't married and have no kids; cut ALL communication That includes changing your phone number, blocking her on ALL social media, and filtering her emails to be deleted. If she changes her email or social media names and attempts contact DO NOT READ or INTERACT with her in ANY way. If you have mutual friends be VERY careful in giving your number to them (I suggest not even doing it.) You may be surprised to discover that mutual friends have seen the BPD abuse and will be very understanding.
I was married and had a child with my BPD ex of 15 years. I am now almost 2 years out and my life is 1000x better but I still have issues to this day mainly due to the fact of having a child with her. It took over a year for her to get the message after I left.
This book is a MUST for you to read as it saved my life/sanity. (Have a friend buy it if she has access to your email or Amazon account)
Say Goodbye to Crazy: How to Get Rid of His Crazy Ex and Restore Sanity to Your Life
by Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, Paul Elam
https://www.amazon.com/Say-Goodbye-Crazy-Restore-Sanity-ebook/dp/B014W0587S
This is a YouTube series done by the writers of the book...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M2KyHtFso0E&amp;list=PLGL4PxshBNxBnIihTluJrJgvhbTQWAOAk
Also, you need watch Terrance Popp, he touches on a lot of things regarding women in a humorous but serious way. Go and look through all of his videos for the ones that pertain to your situation.
https://www.youtube.com/user/redonkulaspopp/videos
If you have a child with here... I can not begin to explain the torture and heartache you will go through... but based on what your original post says you don't seem to have one KEEP IT THAT WAY and GET OUT!!!!
Added comments...
In the end it is up to you to get out she will NOT let you go until she has another to replace you and then will attempt to get you back when that fails (rinse and repeat). Believe it or not you are addicted to "CRAZY" (BPD woman) and only YOU can kick that addiction.
123 Magic has really helped my husband and I with our three-anger. Implementing the strategy was easy and has brought so much peace to our home. How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen and Parenting with Love and Logic are the other 2 we have referenced lots of times. But if you are looking for more of a story Bringing Up Bebe was a fun read.
Actually to me he sounds like he doesn't even know that much. Which is actually a positive thing; if he's ignorant, rather than somebody that knows things that ain't so, them maybe he can be educated. If there's really no other options, I suggest getting him a copy of https://www.amazon.com/Transgender-Teen-Professionals-Supporting-Non-Binary/dp/1627781749 and telling him this book confused you so and you really need a professional to explain it to you. If you can get him to actually read it...
I'd highly recommend getting the book "1-2-3 Magic" (http://www.amazon.com/1-2-3-Magic-Effective-Discipline-Children/dp/1889140430/) for learning about disciplining a 2-year-old. He's going to need rules and structure and so are you. 2-year-olds are amazing, but can be hugely challenging. Consistency from the start will go a long way.
Heck, if you PM me I'd be happy to just send you a copy (it's recently saving my sanity with my 3-year-old).
I haven't read it, but this book is a counterpart to one I did read for younger children (by the same authors), and which is widely recommended for them. I imagine this one is similar, just focused around your age group instead.
I recommend reading 1-2-3 Magic
https://www.amazon.com/1-2-3-Magic-Effective-Discipline-Children/dp/1889140430/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1492625798&amp;sr=8-2&amp;keywords=123+magic
I highly recommend 1-2-3 Magic. You have to be calm and consistent about it, but it's worked really well with our eldest daughter (now 4, started at 2.5).
http://www.amazon.com/1-2-3-Magic-Effective-Discipline-Children/dp/1889140430
Hey look guy, slavery!
https://www.amazon.com/Easy-Meat-Britains-Grooming-Scandal/dp/1943003068
Pathetic traitor.
you cant use library genesis in Britain? or, is it just that anything critical of the regime blocked? the books I linked are:
enemy of the state
britaints great immigration disaster
easy meat
Nothing to do with Islam?: Investigating the West's Most Dangerous Blind Spot
Yeah -- prices can be pretty crazy. My wife has been reading Baby Bargains (http://www.amazon.com/Baby-Bargains-furniture-strollers-maternity/dp/1889392448/ref=tmm_pap_title_0?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1407371517&amp;sr=8-1), which has been really helpful in trying to save some money but still get quality stuff.
I'm in Boston, so it is still relatively cold/snowy -- not quite the North Pole!! Best of luck with everything!
This book helped us a lot. It lets you know what is ok to get used, and what to get new. It also talks about what you need and what you don't need at all. Also goes into which brands / styles are the best value. Bring it with you when you register for baby gifts.
http://www.amazon.com/Baby-Bargains-furniture-strollers-maternity/dp/1889392448
Congratulations!
Ginger Candy
http://www.amazon.com/Tummydrops-Ginger-individually-wrapped-drops/dp/B004BH15K2/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1409768894&amp;sr=8-2&amp;keywords=ginger+candy
UNSCENTED Cocoa Butter
http://www.amazon.com/Palmers-Cocoa-Butter-Fragrance-Free/dp/B000056W71/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1409769047&amp;sr=8-3&amp;keywords=unscented+cocoa+butter
Take the stress/guesswork out of what gear is the best; a fun read
http://www.amazon.com/Baby-Bargains-furniture-strollers-maternity/dp/1889392448/ref=tmm_pap_title_0?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1409769073&amp;sr=8-1
An IOU, wrapped in a pretty little box, for a Body Pilow
http://www.amazon.com/Leachco-Snoogle-Total-Body-Pillow/dp/B0000635WI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=undefined&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=snoogle
As far as being super simple to operate the Baby Jogger's are near the top of the list. The non modular ones have a strap in the seat that you pull up on and it folds in 1/2. The modular ones have push buttons on the hinge. We have a couple of stores near us that carry the majority of the line, so both grandmas have gotten to take a look at them. Both have signed off on them being "grandma friendly" if that tells you anything about their ease of use.
They're not the beasts, as far as weight goes, that the all in one systems are, but they don't feel as flimsy as an umbrella stroller either. What sealed them for me was being down the aisle looking at something else and turning around to watch my wife pull one down off the chest high riser. I can't argue if Mom and the Grandmas think they can manage not only the stroller but getting it in and out of the car on their own.
One of the most invaluable resources I've found for gear questions like this is Baby Bargains it's a great jumping off point for the essential gear. They break down most manufacturers and their models, and give you a great head start on what you'll find when you go shopping for x. We haven't upgraded to the '13 edition, but I can't recommend the '11 version highly enough.
Expecting 411 & Baby 411 are my faves!
And then Baby Bargains for when you start buying and registering for all your baby stuff!
The Baby Bargains book was a God-send!
If she's smart and not enjoying high school, don't be afraid to suggest dropping out, getting a GED, and going to college instead.
The dirty little secret that no high school guidance counselor wants you to know is that colleges are very accepting of smart kids who leave high school early.
The Teenage Liberation Hanbook (http://www.amazon.com/The-Teenage-Liberation-Handbook-Education/dp/0962959170) is a useful book.
Go buy him the book Dude, You're a Fag. It's an ethnographic study of high school students and their use of the word "fag." The author concludes that it essentially has no relationship to sexual orientation, but rather that "fag" is used to police masculinity.
I'm not totally sure if it's really that much different from how "feminine" operates here...
Here's a nice summary: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dude,_You're_a_Fag
Don't forget, you are the parent now, so if you want to raise her without religion and on public school, that is your choice now. Although, it might be wise to not make these changes immediately.
http://www.amazon.com/Raising-Freethinkers-Practical-Parenting-Beyond/dp/0814410960/ref=lh_ni_t
http://www.amazon.com/Parenting-Beyond-Belief-Raising-Religion/dp/0814474268/ref=lh_ni_t
http://www.amazon.com/Raising-Emotionally-Intelligent-Child-ebook/dp/B005HF2VI2/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1344057659&amp;sr=8-2&amp;keywords=raising+emotionally+intelligent+children
Hate the source. This seems to be an argument for free range parenting which I think there is a very good argument for. But it isn't this article.
You need to establish that you mean what you say every single time. This book is good for starting fresh with an effective routine:
http://www.amazon.com/1-2-3-Magic-Effective-Discipline-Children/dp/1889140430/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1377518080&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=1+2+3+magic
http://www.angryharry.com/esWellDonetheGirls.htm
http://www.angryharry.com/es-HistoricalEducational-Bias-Against-Girls.htm?main
the war against boys
http://www.amazon.com/War-Against-Boys-Misguided-Feminism/dp/0684849569
http://www.henrymakow.com/how_uk_destroyed_new_male_gene.html
I'm going to use this thread to rep Lenore Skenazy's book "Free Range Kids".
Skenazy is the former columnist who let her 8 year old son ride the NY subway home at his request with a subway map, a cell phone, and $20. The only problem that he had was some woman who grabbed him, and shouted that he shouldn't be by himself.
I highly recommend the book, it puts childhood in its proper perspective, and not the skewed perspective that the 24-hour news cycle has given us today. Often the concepts that she suggests are met with "but you can't allow kids to do that! Not today at least...". Well, what's different about today? Other people will be more judgemental?
Other people are wrong.
> The questioning of quantitative objectivity by many is not, in-itself, a questioning of the possibility of objectivity, but the form it takes as quantifiable, i.e. as number.
So then how is objectivity possible? (Not being flippant -- I think I'm missing something here.)
> As a structural Marxist it would be very hard to fit him into the paradigm you want: between the quantifiers of objectivity and its qualitative deniers.
> Its fact.
My assertion is that it is not fact. For example, here is a book by a feminist partially about how the idea that men must be big and strong, that they shouldn't have emotional vulnerabilites or rely upon others, is harmful to men.
Economist Bryan Caplan disagrees. If you're on the fence, then just have one. Basically, he says you should have one more than the number you think you want. Selfish Reasons to Have More Kids
Welcome to Helicopter Parenting. Parents today provide no room for their children to grow as people, and it's only getting worse.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/nation-wimps/201401/helicopter-parenting-its-worse-you-think
https://www.amazon.com/Free-Range-Raise-Self-Reliant-Children-Without/dp/0470574755
And if they don't do it, the state usually steps in.
Sad.