(Part 2) Best personal transformation books according to redditors
We found 7,422 Reddit comments discussing the best personal transformation books. We ranked the 1,495 resulting products by number of redditors who mentioned them. Here are the products ranked 21-40. You can also go back to the previous section.
Eating the frog first.
Basically I do the thing I really don't want to do first and then the rest of the day is awesome! Plus that thing is usually not as bad I think it is.
For me, two things.
First, meditation strengthened my ability to watch the process of a negative behavior or unwanted thought pattern unfolding in the first place. This is important. I was able to track the behavior back to a decision, the decision back to rationalization/bargaining with myself, and before that the initial temptation/craving, and ultimately, the start of it all - the wounds I was carrying that I had been leaving unmet, uncared for. If you learn to better observe how your own mental machinery works, then you can more easily tend to its inefficiencies and/or begin to reconfigure it entirely.
Second, meditation helped me to learn to slow down and really sit with those wounded and unheard parts of myself once I had become aware of them. This is critical. I can’t emphasize this enough - before you can bring about lasting change, you have to completely accept yourself exactly where you are. This may seem counterintuitive at first, but trying to “fix” unwanted behavior or trauma with “the will to change” will only bring disappointment and more frustration. The key is in learning to see and accept yourself just as you are, without self-criticism and the need to be “better”. Strangely, this frees you up to move forward in a healthy and honest way. I liken it to parenting - addressing a child’s behavioral problems or trauma with anger or urgent pressure to straighten up will only make matters worse. Instead, it’s best to listen, and meet them exactly where they are, and tend to their real wounds. We can do the same for ourselves.
That second point is pretty nuanced and there’s a lot to unpack, but Tara Brach said it better than I could in her book, Radical Acceptance.
I'm not at all trying to be a dick here but those are exactly the feelings that lead me to get an ADHD diagnosis. Not caring almost feels good until said problem bites you in the arse.
If life is going well and you are happy then don't worry. If the tendencies you described are messing things up then maybe go get a test. My life is so much better now.
Edit:
Shoutout to /r/adhd!
Also, video dude wrote a book: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Taking-Charge-Adult-Russell-Barkley/dp/1606233386
Edit 2:
Here is an informative and adorable video for anyone unsure if they have ADHD. It's great. Go watch it.
https://youtu.be/cx13a2-unjE
A few thoughts to get your mind going:
I hope that helps jog your brain a bit, I find empathy and asking the right questions tend to help me understand the world around me better, especially when my own biases get in the way.
Edit: Here's a great book that explores a lot of cognitive biases and explains the points I made much more eloquently. https://www.amazon.com/You-Are-Not-So-Smart/dp/1592407366
> Do your thing, the way you want to, and I promise you no one will judge.
This is a component of the most important thing I've learned in my 20s, so far. I learned how to be truly happy:
These are things I've heard and been told my whole life, and it turns out it's actually super easy to put them into practice. You just have to start. I cannot overstate the benefits. I struggled with depression, insecurity, loneliness, and a handful of other afflictions for years. I will always have occasional bouts of sadness or loneliness, but over the past few years they have become less and less frequent, and when they do happen, they are mild and short-lived.
Discovering Stoicism changed my life. This book is a good entry point, if anyone's interested.
> What, in your opinion, is the psychological experiment that through misreporting and/or failure to replicate has produced the most detrimental misconceptions among the public at large?
IATs are pretty bad, but the Standford Prison Experiment is pretty detestable and it's more into the actually-counterproductive rather than merely superstitious ritual side. Zimbardo presented the experiment as showing how Ordinary People, even the best-natured, given the slightest amount of power would naturally gravitate toward severe abuse. He (or possibly students of his ghostwriting for him) wrote a book, The Lucifer Effect talking about the innately corrupting influences of power.
In reality, Zimbardo coached the 'wardens' and 'guards', presenting them with descriptions of fictional or historical prison abuses and encouraging them to emulate them, in at least one case with the specific stated goal of presenting a display that would encourage prison reform. He repeated framed the guards not as participants in research, but as research assistants, and actively directed at least some of their abusive behaviors, with a full 'orientation day'. He gave them a schedule, and then used parts of that schedule as evidence of abusive behavior. Unlike normal experiments, he paid volunteers only at the end, and limited ability for participants to leave.
He had a press release on the second day of a six-day experiment.
Now, that still shows terrible behavior on the part of the 'guards'. But rather than discover bad acts rooted from mere structure or organically evolved from intragroup interactions -- what Zimbardo calls "situational forces" -- the answer was instead that people would act badly enough when directly commanded for a claimed good purpose. Zimbardo (and Jaffe) planned out a wide variety of abusive behaviors to start with, and encouraged their 'guards' to come up with more. You had people following a sadistic authority, and then only until someone who could challenge that authority (a PhD student Zimbardo later married!) spoke up.
Which is a rather significantly different response when considering Zimbardo went on to act as an expert witness for the defense at Abu Ghraib, and The Lucifer Effect speaks not merely in defense of the abusive prison guards there, but even gives exoneration to their command structure. Zimbardo's version holds that everyone is 'responsible' for producing an environment where prisons exist, which would make even a random selection of normal people turn to evil... and so no one person is really responsible for the individual abuses. It's not hard to think about what behavior this would excuse from civilian authority figures.
This issue has been studied at length. It in fact does have that potential.
I’ve got politics, and almost only politics, on my mind. This is the last weekend before midterm elections on Tuesday. I am feeling a little freaked out.
I think many people are placing all of their hope on a blue wave. I know I am! But I’m worried we’ve been lulled into this false sense of security about how realistic a blue wave is. When in reality, voter suppression and gerrymandering and general lack of political involvement is going to make it REALLY hard for progressive candidates to actually win.
I think it’s really important to spread the word about voting, but merely telling people to vote can quickly turn into gaslighting for minorities (see: voter suppression, gerrymandering). A lot of people are touting the old sentiment that if you don’t vote you can’t complain, which totally glosses over the fact that for a lot of people, it’s really hard to vote. Progressive candidates are often working for those minority groups that face high levels of voter suppression, so I’m worried... We need the votes of the people that have a difficult time voting.
I really encourage everyone to take some active steps this weekend to engage in the election. I signed up to phonebank. I hate talking on the phone but it’s too important to sit back and let others do the work, so I’m making calls on behalf of Beto all day Saturday. If anyone else wants to take action, I suggest connecting with indivisible. I’m a person who posts political articles and memes on social media but is otherwise kind of quiet about politics... but moving into the last few days of the election, that feels like it is nowhere near enough.
Also I am currently reading this book and omg, I want every white person I know to read it. I am learning so much.
Here's the thing. The Nazis were virtually cartoonishly evil, when you look at them from high up, yet they were real.
A lot of it is the motivation of the people doing the dirty work - usually, it was "I'm just doing a job - it's an ugly job, but I'm sure it's necessary." There's some denial "I didn't put people into ovens, I just did the paperwork." And there are a smattering, say about 1-4%, of genuinely machiavellian, sadistic, psychopathic individuals who do behave in ways that are just plain evil, and are fine with it. Often, the organization recognizes how these people behave, and use them, or even promote them.
Some reading that I've found useful:
Phil Zimbardo: The Lucifer Effect http://www.amazon.com/The-Lucifer-Effect-Understanding-People/dp/0812974441 - this is the story of the Stanford Prison Experiment from the person who conducted the experiment.
Here's a TED talk from Zimbardo: http://www.ted.com/talks/philip_zimbardo_on_the_psychology_of_evil
Robert Altemeyer: The Authoritarians, free to read here: http://home.cc.umanitoba.ca/~altemey/ . It describes a personality type, called the Right-Wing Authoritarian, which scores highly in the personality traits of authoritarian submission (they look to strong father-figures, latch onto one, and will follow him no matter how badly he behaves), authoritarian aggression (they want to make YOU follow their daddy figure,) and conventionalism - they have an idea about how things should go in the world - God, America, apple pie, that sort of thing, and get upset with people who deviate from their conception of how they should act.
Unmasking Administrative Evil, by Adams and Balfour http://www.amazon.com/Unmasking-Administrative-Evil-Guy-Adams/dp/0765623315 . This one is academic writing, so it gets technical, and is a bit of a challenging read. But it describes how big organizations, such as governments, go bad. The big characteristic is that evil organizations have a way of sucking good people into them to do evil things, and masking their evil (remember, "I didn't put those people in ovens. I just did the paperwork." or "Sure, I guarded those concentration camps, but those people would cause all sorts of mayhem if we let them out.")
Another common thread in organizations and governments that do the really evil shit: dehumanization. Take a look here: http://www.beyondintractability.org/essay/dehumanization . When leaders and governments start referring to enemies, or ethnic groups, or whoever as not just bad, but not even human, that's when behavior gets really fucked up. Look at Rwanda, where a mass genocide was instigated by Radio Rwanda talking heads saying "They're murderers! They're cockroaches!"
I think one of the biggest things spurning that kind of faulty thinking is the belief that smart people don't get caught up in it.
"I'm smart, it won't happen to me" style thinking - that is to say, thinking that is riddled with confirmation bias and post-hoc rationalization, is very common among the well educated.
Being smart does not magically make your brain immune to the invisible gorilla and other phenomena. Sadly, there are very few people who actually study failures in thinking and perception, and even less who make it a habit to be mindful about their own thoughts on a regular basis. It is much more comforting to stroke your own ego than to believe things that may imply you are somehow flawed.
If anything, people who are used to being right most of the time will probably not spend as much time self-analyzing their beliefs. This gives very long windows in which infectious ideas can take root and the meme machinery in our brain takes over. By that point, it may be too late to reach them, the circuitous nature of the arguments in their brain are probably too big to dissect or even point out as being flawed.
It is very hard to argue with a crazy person who is smarter than you.
You don't know how right you are. Zimbardo finally published his thoughts on his Stanford prison experiment a couple years ago. Well worth the read, and it really is striking the similarities between TSA management and policies and the Stanford prison.
http://www.amazon.com/Lucifer-Effect-Understanding-Good-People/dp/0812974441/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1290603523&sr=8-1
Well, we hit the 10000 limit. Reserving this comment for the misc. section.
FREE TIME/FUN/MISC.
The Art of Deception: Controlling the Human Element of Security
The Art of War
Steal This Computer Book 4.0: What They Won't Tell You about the Internet
How to Disappear: Erase Your Digital Footprint, Leave False Trails, and Vanish without a Trace
The Best of 2600: A Hacker Odyssey
Super Crunchers: Why Thinking-by-Numbers Is the New Way to Be Smart
Casting the Net: From ARPANET to INTERNET and Beyond thanks sjhill
A Quarter Century of UNIX thanks sjhill
A Reading List For the Self-Taught Computer Scientist thanks zinver
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk thanks segamix
The Black Swan: The Impact of the Highly Improbable thanks AgonistAgent
Snow Crash thanks AgonistAgent
Cryptonomicon thanks Mirple
What Taison says here is almost a pretty direct quote from the beginning of the latest book by Ibram Kendi. The book, called How to Be an Antiracist does a pretty nice job of clearly describing some of the issues with structural racism that we see today.
If you think Antiracism is a topic that is really interesting to you, I would recommend that book and also White Fragility by Robin Diangelo.
(Source: I work on a Structural Racism task force in my city in America and have done a lot of work in the field of Antiracism for the last 5 years or so.)
If you're interested, there are two books that answer your question:
TL;DR
You don't have to go far to see modern-day examples. While we can blame ISIS as some far-away, backwards group of people, we have no such excuse for what happened in Abu Ghraib.
Recently I got a very interesting book called White Fragility by Robin D'Angelo. Now I do not live in the US, but I was horribly surprised how many points this book raises applied directly to me.
Then you'd love You Are Not So Smart!
The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg.
PDF version here
I urge anyone to read [Oliver Sacks' "Musicophilia"] (https://www.amazon.com/Musicophilia-Tales-Music-Revised-Expanded/dp/1400033535) which goes into this topic of people visualizing music.
Heck, read ANY book by the late Dr. Sacks. Dude did a wonderful job exploring the mysteries of the mind and writing down all the weird shit that can come from it.
Here are some good “starter” books to go through. Starter in the sense that they give a good overview of generalized modern western Witchcraft along with a basis for Wicca is that so interest you. It also has some supplementary guides for those interested in alchemy, mirror work, spirit work and the like.
Buckland's Complete Book of Witchcraft and Buckland's Book of Spirit Communications are good books for getting a decent understanding of what could be (subjectively speaking) considered “traditional” witchcraft. I myself am NOT a fan of the Llewellyn branch of magick, as it is heavily based around forming structured groups and covens and much of the information seems more ceremonial than anything. That being said, these books give a great basic rundown into alot of different styles and tools you will most likely be using or want to use.
Wicca: A Guide for the Solitary Practitioner is great if you want to go down the Wicca path AND it’s made specifically for solitary practitioners along with having some of Scott Cunninghams own spells in it as well.
Cunningham's Encyclopedia of Magical Herbs is a good rundown of many common and uncommon reagents used in witchcraft along with their metaphysical uses. Reader's Digest Magic and Medicine of Plants despite the name is a more practical and scientifically written book on the historical and medicinal used of many N. American plants.
Inside the Mirror Box: Spells and Theory for All Practitioners was actually written by a friend of mine. His book gives alot of information on actual spellwork, along with a large selection of Mirror Box spells and a short section on other uses for mirrors (such as divination).
And finally the Encyclopedia of Spirits is a great reference guide for those of us who want to work with specific entities. The author covers the full gamut of spirits and deities from the ancient gods to christian saints and archangels to lesser known spirits.
Have you heard of Negative Visualization?
Pause now and then to consider the state of your life. Think of the people you love and the things you value. If you love someone, consider how you’d fare without them. If you have a great ride, think how you’d do on a bicycle or bus pass. Think of how bored you’d be if you could no longer do whatever hobbies you enjoy. Ponder the changes that a sudden loss of health would bring. This can help prepare you for an unexpected loss or change, although nothing will ever really prevent grief. More importantly, it should help you appreciate your circumstances and the people around you more, and make you content with the life you already live.
You seem dismissive of meditation and books, which seems odd for a question like this, but the first I’d recommend would be A Guide to the Good Life.
You will never get rid of it entirely, but you can learn to be happy even as it's part of your life. I truly don't think there's a human being alive who doesn't experience existential dread in some form (unless you are literally fighting for survival everyday).
This book helped a lot for me: https://www.amazon.com/Guide-Good-Life-Ancient-Stoic/dp/1522632735
To summarize very quickly some of the points:
- we are all on a hedonistic treadmill where as soon as we get something we want we take it for granted and start wanting the next thing. Learn to desire the things you already have by practicing negative visualization, which is basically contemplating how you can lose everything you have and love in life. Sounds depressing as hell but it actually makes you start caring and desiring for the things, relationships, and opportunities already present in your life.
- Divide your problems into 3 categories, things you can control, things you have some control over, and things you have no control over. Worry about the first two categories, and for the second, internalize your goals (you can control how much work you put into a project, but you can't control how much other people will like it). For the third, stop worrying about it (easier said than done but still).
- Practice going without things you like for times to make you care about them more and maintain a healthy relationship with them (unhealthy but tasty food, alcohol, anything like that).
There's a lot more to it, but basically learning to loving yourself and the live you have instead of always wishing for a different one, being healthy and active, maintaining good relationships and recognizing that comparison is the enemy of joy can help you find fulfillment in life.
One thing to remember about ADHD (courtesy of Barkley) is we can't internalize habits like normal people do. Someone with a regular brain could use this to slowly build a habit and then stop using it. If you wanted to use a shock bracelet to make sure you do something, you'd likely have to commit to it permanently.
Behavioral modification for ADHD should include long-term systems, not forming habits--and unfortunately there are no short cuts.
Loved "You Are Not So Smart." Really funny and covers a LOT of fallacies/self-delusions:
https://www.amazon.com/You-Are-Not-So-Smart/dp/1592407366
Hi, not Wiccan, but eclectic druid, which is also a subset of Paganism. There are loads of online communities to check out! Firstly, I'd say browse the r/wicca, r/pagan, and r/druidism (shameless plug lol) subreddits, as they're filled with loads of info and opinions. Be warned on r/pagan, since there are LOADS of different types of pagans, you'll get some wildly different opinions. There's plenty of other subreddits (r/witchcraft, for example), but those were the ones I started with.
I also love the Pagan channel on Patheos, which if you haven't browsed before, is a really interesting conglomeration of religious blogs. While I don't use it very often, WitchVox is also referenced as a really good online hub for finding local groups.
For books, this one is a fucking fantastic introduction to Paganism as a whole. It was my first real read on the topic. For Wicca in particular, Scott Cunningham is typically the one people point to for learning how to practice solitary. I also found Wicca for Beginners to be a super quick but useful intro. If you want a more general history of witchy goddess nature-worshipy religions, I am currently reading Drawing Down the Moon and love it.
Finally, if you have any Unitarian churches in your area, reach out-- they frequently have pagan or earth-centered study groups you can always visit!
Like I said before, I'm way more druidy, so if you want suggestions for learning about that (or just want to talk pagan-y things to admittedly a baby pagan), lemme know! :)
Just read You Are Not So Smart. Seriously, it's a great book.
We tend to get passed down from parents to children the issues and problems that they have until someone decides to break the cycle. Good for you for wanting to do that!
That's awesome that both you and your wife are doing therapy!
I would both talk to your therapist about shame issues that revolve around affection, kissing, hugging. And also read some books regarding shame. One I read years ago that initially got me started down this road of trying to understand myself and undo so much damage is: Healing the Shame that Binds You, by John Bradshaw
Also, a dear friend of mine passed me the following article about shame that she had gotten in a college class that was very instrumental in waking me up further about some of the things that were going on with me internally that I just was not conscious of and started more awakening to uncovering buried ugly baggage and such.
Shame, by Robert Karen
Also, like Maxxters mentioned, reading through this subreddit is really helpful. As I've found it to be what I've heard people talk about group therapy being like. A whole bunch of people chime in about the topic, and then you discover that you are not anywhere near as weird or abnormal as you thought you were.
I hope you are able to find your way through this and find a happier, more content, and peaceful way of being both alone and with your wife. Good luck on your journey. :)
If anyone wants some reading material on this topic, let me know. This kind of thing can be really hard to overcome and damaging to relationships.
Edit:
Hi people! I received a lot of responses about this. I feel bad for not responding earlier, but I was busy, and feeling guilty is part of my own thing that i need to work through. When people talk about this problem of “pleasing people,” what they are often really talking about is shame-bound systems. It might not be obvious at first, but ask yourself, what feelings would you experience if you weren’t trying to please others? What would it say about you if you were just trying to do what makes you happy? What feelings are you trying to get away from when you think about this? In addition to the books mentioned by /u/alpinejonny, I recommend the following:
More on the academic side:
Facing Shame, by Merle Fossum and Marilyn Mason
This is a classic book written for therapists about people in shame-bound family systems. I recommend going here if you want a deep understanding of how and why families create cycles of shame, one manifestation of which is “people-pleasing.” It’s an older book, but it’s still an important one.
Shame and the origins of self-esteem, by Mario Jacoby
Mario Jacoby is an influential Jungian analyst. This book is expensive, but I really recommend taking a look at this book’s table of contents to see how in-depth it is. Amazon’s “look inside” feature has a lot of pages from this book available online, and you can click on table of contents sections to see more information about that section. It might have a lot of the info you need.
More mainstream:
Reinventing Your Life, by Jeffrey Young and Janet Klosko
Despite the ugly cover and horrible title, this is a really, really solid book based upon schema therapy. This book covers a wider range of schemas or “lifetraps,” so it is appropriate for many people. It can be eye-opening. I would definitely recommend it, especially the chapters on vulnerability, dependence, abandonment, and defectiveness (shame).
Daring Greatly, by Brené Brown
Brown is a leading researcher in the field of vulnerability right now and has down a lot of interesting qualitative work in deconstructing the concept of vulnerability, which is something we must experience if we are to say ‘no’ to our people pleasing tendencies. I’m not the biggest fan of Brown’s mainstream writing personally (I’m more on the dense/academic side of things), but her key points are dead on and her writing works for many people. I really appreciated her famous TED talk when it came out.
Healing the Shame that Bind You, by John Bradshaw
I haven’t read this one, but I have heard really good things. Again, Amazon’s look inside feature is helpful here. A lot of the book is already online.
Hope that helps! Other users have been recommending to me books about codependency. I haven't read any books about codependency specifically, but I can see that being super helpful.
/u/eirelav09 /u/brigadierNasty
I struggle with this too. Most of us here have been diagnosed with ADHD and attention disorders, including myself. Finding the ability to focus often involves a lot of self discipline. I personally believe that our phones and shit contribute to our weak attention spans. Just do like 10 pages today, 11 tomorrow, 12 the next day, etc.
Do it for yourself. Your future self will be grateful. Here are some good books to help you on your journey to better health:
https://www.amazon.com/Hardwiring-Happiness-Science-Contentment-Confidence/dp/0385347332/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1538822946&sr=8-1&keywords=hardwiring+happiness%2C+rick+hanson
https://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-Eight-Week-Finding-Peace-Frantic/dp/1609618955/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1538822965&sr=8-3&keywords=mindfulness
https://www.amazon.com/Introducing-Mindfulness-Practical-Tessa-Watt/dp/1848312555/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1538823015&sr=8-1&keywords=mindfulness+a+practical+guide+tessa+watt
think positive.
This may sound a bit pretentious, but it may help someone, so here we go.
A couple of key things you mentioned; the slow adaptation to a higher-than-normal standard of living is sometimes referred to as "lifestyle creep" and is really easy to fall into.
A related topic is that buying things sure does feel good...for a moment. Unfortunately, this "hedonic treadmill" doesn't endure, and is just as you say: a momentary happiness or sadness doesn't last.
There's a lot of people talking about stoicism, or Stoic philosophy, and it's an interesting mindset to follow. Parts of it boil down to "be comfortable being uncomfortable". One of the major writers was Seneca, and a favorite passage is in this letter:: " Set aside a certain number of days, during which you shall be content with the scantiest and cheapest fare, with coarse and rough dress, saying to yourself the while: "Is this the condition that I feared?" "
This is supposed to remind you that you don't need luxury to survive; lentils and hamburger helper is fine, not buying new clothes is fine, staying home and reading a book is fine, etc. A reset, an antidote, to being aggressively marketed and pressured to consume ever more.
That philosophy kind of intertwines with Buddhist non-attachment, Krishnamurti's sense of self, and a Spartan ideal of hardiness that many people find useful. A lot of Seneca's work is available for free from a podcast guy you may have heard of if you're interested. Irvine also had a book you should be able to find at most libraries.
Side note, everyone should have a spreadsheet tracking finances; use Google Sheets if you have to, or Mint or YNAB, but you have to be honest with incoming and outgoing streams. Treat debt like an emergency..
Thanks for your post, I hope it helps people realize that most of us were never taught good habits about money, and we're constantly told to spend our money; for instance, everything can be financed into monthly payments to satisfy our short-term wants but we pay so much interest it's usually a bad idea...
Encourage everyone to try out this card. The idea is based on the Brian Tracy [book] (http://www.amazon.com/Eat-That-Frog-Great-Procrastinating/dp/1576754227)
The premise of the idea:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-W6ZBVsmCpw&feature=player_detailpage#t=606
> "If the first thing you do every morning is to eat a live frog you can then go through the day with the satisfaction of knowing that its probably the worst thing thats going to happen to you all day long. Your 'frog' is your biggest most important task. its the one your most likely to procastinate on if you dont do something about it right now. Its also the ONE task that can have the greatest positive impact on your life and results at the moment."
You can listen to the full audio book on youtube [here] (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-W6ZBVsmCpw)
Eat that frog!
This is the 101 in stoicism. If you want to be happy, you have to learn what you can control and what not. This book is a goog starter: A Guide to the Good Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy (English Edition) https://www.amazon.de/dp/B0040JHNQG/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_taa_EouqDbTJH6VM7
Hey friend, first off - go easier on yourself. Part of the process of making progress comes when you believe you're worth the effort and start treating yourself as well you would someone you love. It sounds corny, but really it's huge because it shifts your priorities pretty drastically in the direction of making positive changes.
I've been exactly where you are. I'm still working on getting better everyday. By posting and asking for help to change you've already gotten better today. Now get a little bit better tomorrow. Than again. Marginal, consistent improvement eventually adds up to exponential change. Just like your bad habits took years to creep up and form, your good habits will take time to establish.
Sometimes understanding how your brain works can help you to change the way it works. Check out: The Power of Habit.
Model yourself after people you admire. If that's not anyone you know personally right now, look to your cultural heroes. Read/listen/watch about how they started out, what choices they made and habits they formed early. If you can't think of anybody to emulate start here: 7 Habits Of Highly Effective People, then start browsing related books from there. Educate yourself on HOW to change.
Figure out your WHY. Why do you want to make these habit changes? Write it down. Look at it everyday, and put it in your mind. Let it affect your choices and shape your habits into better habits.
​
There's tons of motivating material out there in the world - if you find it helpful, put it in front of you more often. Recurring bursts of motivation can get you over the initial hump of building discipline to form new habits. Also, this video from Will Smith genuinely inspires a different way of thinking about yourself and the world (seems like a joke, but Fresh Prince is inspiring as hell.) That's all I'll list, go out and find your own inspiration.
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Good luck.
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TL;DR - Every *morning tell yourself...
“You are going to start working out, stop smoking, start a new hobby, and most importantly become a man.”
Then do it in the smallest way possible. Next day, add to it. Repeat. Repeat. Prosper!
​
EDIT: fixed some typo's.
https://www.amazon.com/Grit-Passion-Perseverance-Angela-Duckworth/dp/1501111108
I recommend Musicophilia: Tales of Music and the Brain by Dr. Oliver Sacks. Sacks is a neurologist and his book "explores the place music occupies in the brain and how it affects the human condition". A very interesting and at times bizarre read.
This pretty foundational textbook on Modern Magick.
IIRC this book (intentionally) left out the inner order rituals of the R.R. et A.C., as did Cicero's "Self-Initiation" book on the GD, which I would also recommend. These inner order rituals can be now accessed, at least the amended version used by the subsequent Alpha et Omega group (one of the few true G.D. lineages) in "Secret Inner Order Rituals of the Golden Dawn" by Pat Zalewski, much to the dismay of contemporary G.D. groups. You can also find a more novel and elaborate (and equally exclusive) reproduction of the Whare-Ra version of an Enochian manuscript from their Inner Order known as "Ritual X" once you've gone over the other material, or should you wish to add it to your collection.
Whether these will be of any use to you is debatable. If you feel a particular connection with the G.D. current and curriculum give it a shot and see how it resonates with you. If it does not, you can always go the A.A. route and see if Thelema (or your take on it) is your thing.
For a more practical approach, I would recommend "Initiation Into Hermetics" by Franz Bardon first, followed by "Modern Magick: Twelve Lessons in the High Magickal Arts" by Donald Michael Kraig. Then decide which path, or lackthereof, you would like to explore from there.
These books helped me:
Yeah! It's called Taking Charge of Adult ADHD. It's one of the most helpful things I've read since being diagnosed a couple years ago. Really explains how executive dysfunction works, as well as a lot of other helpful info. https://www.amazon.com/Taking-Charge-Adult-Russell-Barkley/dp/1606233386/
I don't know if those links will work. Let me know if they don't and I'll try to find another.
So, there are a few books that I think all indie game developers should read that really have nothing to do with game development. However, they will help you understand habit and discipline. Really, everyone should read these books.
[Grit] (https://www.amazon.com/Grit-Passion-Perseverance-Angela-Duckworth/dp/1501111108/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1487005711&sr=8-1&keywords=Grit), by Dr. Angela Duckworth, Phd.
Mindset, by Dr. Carol Dweck, Phd.
The Power of Habit, by Charles Duhigg
The ideas in these books and research behind them are very powerful.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Healing-Shame-Binds-Recovery-Classics/dp/0757303234#aw-udpv3-customer-reviews_feature_div
Check that out OP
I commend you for exploring different paths. Examining other religions is a very valuable process for self-exploration.
My favorite "Wicca 101" book is Scott Cunningham's Wicca: A Guide for the Solitary Practitioner. A lot of people here will recommend that one as well, but that's certainly not the only good one out there.
Two things that I want to emphasize: You do NOT need to arbitrarily choose dieties and paths, and you really shouldn't. Do your research. Wiccans and pagans are frequently self-proclaimed life-learners and meditating on what you truly believe will help you filter out some of the paths that don't work for you at all.
Give yourself some alone time, go on a walk, meditate. Your dieties will come. Just make sure you're not randomly picking out of impatience. It may take you a while to really get it right, and there's nothing wrong with not getting it right the first time. Don't feel "locked in" to your gods if you decide they are not correct for you. (Important: don't perform ANY kind of dedication ceremonies until you're absolutely sure. Then you might actually kind of be locked in :P)
Second, and I mention this only because it's a big part of your post, absolutely no one is going to take you seriously if you're just in it for the "witchcraft." Believe me: every person on this subreddit has seen people who pretty much just want to pretend they're on Charmed. I very rarely perform any sort of magic myself. It's not just for funsies. It's serious stuff. Everyone has to learn and if you're interested in more than just "witchcraft," magic definitely has its uses. As far as learning goes, there are plenty of books that will help you with basic rituals but most of it is grounding, raising energy, and focusing those energies on a specific outcome. But please educate yourself first.
As a caveat to that, I just want to say that I was absolutely one of those dabblers who was attracted to the religion by "magic" nine years ago. However, I discovered a spiritual path that really called to me and magic factors into my spiritual pracatices very infrequently at this point. If this is sort of the case with you, it does not mean you can't grow from this learning experience and it definitely doesn't mean that the pagan/Wiccan community won't want you. We'll just be glad you learned!
It is very possible, and there are a lot of people who practice as solitaries.
There are also a ton of books out about it. My favorites include:
What you are doing, though, is a fantastic start.
There is a ton of very cool practical and anecdotal information on this in this book: [Musicophilia] (https://www.amazon.com/Musicophilia-Tales-Music-Revised-Expanded/dp/1400033535). This was the text we used in one of my graduate classes "music and the brain," it's a very complex and not fully understood area. Almost miraculous in some instances. I highly recommend giving a look if the subject interests you.
Everyone experiences the things you are describing some of the time. However, it sounds like you experience all of these things a lot, and it also seems like these experiences are getting in your way at times. When your everyday experiences are interfering with your day-to-day life, it is a great idea to see a specialist. You can start with your regular doctor, or you can go to a psychologist or psychiatrist. If neuropsychological testing is indicated, your doctor or psychologist will refer you if needed.
It's not a good idea to speculate about diagnosis via the internet. But it is perhaps worth mentioning that you spontaneously self-described many of the symptoms of Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder. It may make sense to bring up this possibility with your doctor or psychologist.
If you are looking for more information, you might try:
Good luck! If you need more books or websites, let me know and I'll do my best to direct you to good resources.
Thanks.
Also recommended: Peace is Every Step, Thich Nhat Hanh
It sounds like you are feeling guilty about having thoughts which are judgmental. Have you ever heard of Tara Brach's RAIN method?
R-Recognize (you've already done this; way to go, it's very hard for many people to even become aware of their habits of thought.)
A-Accept (this is the stage you seem to be stuck at. You're judging yourself for having the thought, feeling guilty, etc. This is hard but you need to accept that it's just a thought, it's out of your control, that it doesn't make you a bad person. Hold it with care, love the thought, respect it.)
I-Investigate (How does the thought feel, what is the thought that comes right before the thought, what happens at the level of the body when you have the thought?)
N-Non-identifying (remembering that the thought doesn't belong to you, doesn't define you, it is not you or yours; A thought is its own thing, it's a thought, it's just out there, it just is--thoughts happen of their accord.)
You might find her book Radical Acceptance helpful. I struggled (and, lord knows, still do) with more or less the exact same problem you described.
Best of luck.
Super well written and useful post. Thank you. Saved.
I've also read Brene Browns thoughts on this and it's pretty clear that shaming is one of the most powerful ways of breaking someone down. If you're a man, or woman reading this and feeling shame about yourself, your personality, looks, interests, ideas, sexuallity etc.. I highly recommend reading Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach. Not only will this teach, relieve and inspire you te be kinder to yourself but also to others. I'm a man who would never read new-age books like this but got it recommended and it's one of the most important books in my life.
Now back to the subject: Yes, shaming does not work and just like women revolted against being shamed for voicing their concerns, so will men.
My best recommendation is harboring a new practice based on radical acceptance. It’s one of the components you will learn about in DBT. All we can do is accept what has happened has happened and that we cannot change or alter this. All we can do is be present and stay present. When we look to
The past we aren’t living, when we look to the future we aren’t living. Only in the present can we find our peace of mind. It’s not easy. I’d recommend this book by Tara brach called
Radical acceptance. She has a lovely free podcast as well. You don’t need to be Buddhist or any particular religion to learn from this so don’t let that keep you away from reading it.
Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With the Heart of a Buddha https://www.amazon.com/dp/0553380990/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_9YtOBb3R2C86K
But just so you know it’s been about 4 years since this all started for me and I too struggle with learning to accept the things I’ve done. Nothing about it is easy you just have to keep going. You’re not alone I promise.
Do's:
Do not's:
The term "racist" can be very loaded and charged, because some people (especially white people) view the label with such fear and dread that they will vigorously defend themselves against any hint of an accusation of being racist. The defensiveness masks for them the systemic racism within the culture into which they were born.
It's not always as simple as saying "X person is a racist" or "Y person is not a racist". There aren't just two options. Outside of people like white nationalists, who are overt and admitted racists (and who Trump regards as "fine people"), for everyone else, the label of "racist" is given out by others, and when it is, people usually run from it as fast as they can.
The reason I like to use it only sparingly when directed at an individual is not because it isn't true that the person being accused isn't a racist, but because the label halts any possibility of either person shifting from their position. A person labelled a racist becomes blind to even their own actual views on race, and blind to the larger existing cultural problems involving race.
Trump supporters will often respond to accusations of Trump being labelled a racist much in the same way as if they themselves were being accused, so we encounter the same problem.
If you really want to know the ways in which Trump is racist, you can just Google it, read about it on Wikipedia, or read one or two of the numerous, well-documented, thoroughly researched articles on the topic.
What I recommend instead is that, if you genuinely want to understand race in America, these three books are a pretty great place to start:
White Fragility: Why It's So Hard for White People to Talk About Racism by Robin DiAngelo
Between the World and Me by Ta-Nehisi Coates
The New Jim Crow: Mass Incarceration in the Age of Colorblindness by Michelle Alexander
Been through the same. Got quite depressed because people just couldn't see the harm they were doing, or didn't care. But then someday I wondered why didn't I see the harm I was doing sooner? Why didn't I go vegan years earlier? I could have saved dozens of lives, not to mention taken better care of myself and the planet. So I dove into the currently available literature on human psychology which explained why people are so susceptible to social norms[1], why we so often can't reason ourselves out of a position were in [2] and why it is so difficult to come up with an idea like going vegan on your own [3]. After having read that I still get frustrated from time to time but much less so than first. I feel it's a bit like being angry at the earth shaking every now and then and tearing my house down. There is no one to be angry at, not really. You've just got to build a better house[4].
https://www.amazon.com/Wicca-Solitary-Practitioner-Scott-Cunningham/dp/0875421180/ref=mp_s_a_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1542770876&sr=8-4&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=wicca&dpPl=1&dpID=51j%2BwKpACML&ref=plSrch
This book has been my bible! I love the freedom it gives me and there’s just so much love in here. I was doing most of these things before I even knew people had been doing them for a long time lol. It opened the door to a lot for me:) also look on Meetup.com. I found a spell discussion at an apothecary. Was truly amazing.
This is something I've been thinking about too! I've been reading this book about the "Internal Family Systems" method of therapy, and it's so encouraging. The idea is basically that our even our "bad" and "self destructive" parts are just pieces of self doing the best they can for us, because (however misguided their efforts may be) they are just trying to protect a wounded part of self.
I used to feel bad about how frustrated and panicked I'd get when my husband was telling me about something complex. I knew cognitively that he was just trying to share some interesting thing he learned, but I couldn't stop the amygdala reactions. Eventually I realized that I was reacting this way because of my experiences as an ADHD child and teen, not being able to pay attention and feeling the intense embarrassment of not "getting it" like the other kids. So my feelings of anger and fear about these conversations weren't bad, they were just screaming "Get out!" to try and protect me from feeling embarrassed again. Realizing that has helped me stop guilting myself for the feelings, and instead I think to myself "Thank you, frustration and anxiety, for trying to keep me from reliving embarrassing situations. But I'm okay! I'm safe, it only feels unsafe."
That's just one example of many I could share, as I am something of a walking ball of triggers lol. It's been hugely helpful for me in my healing 💕🤗
Edit: I've also realized that by soothing these "dark" reactions, I'm able to stay in the moment and let my wounded selves experience safety. Now when my husband wants to tell me something complex, I find that I can listen and learn just fine, which is healing in itself.
There’s a therapy based on this idea called Internal Family Systems. It’s very helpful for anyone who has had interpersonal trauma or had a rough childhood. A good book on it that you can use to practice it yourself is Self-Therapy by Jay Earley.
For more in-depth stuff, a great book about habits.
Excellent read for one and it helped me quit smoking (more than the drugs even). It's amazing how much power habits have, positive AND negative.
* Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance by Angela Duckworth
The book is about the subject of deliberate training and explains how spending a long time on specific kinds of training develops your skills. Not a research paper, and the tone of book is casual. Many pages are about the author and people around her, and those explained the motivation of studies about the subject and added real life examples to apply those studies, for example, to parenting. In general, the book is hopeful to motivate you to start training towords your goal.
Peak: Secrets from the New Science of Expertise
Another book is about the subject of deliberate training. I recommend you to read this book after Grit. This book is more like a research paper. The tone of this book is drier than Grit but the book contains the details of the studies and advises you how, when and how much you should practice.
Love Does: Discover a Secretly Incredible Life in an Ordinary World by Bob Goff
This book is about activism: love the world and do something instead of preaching gods. Although it is categorized as a Christian book and it certainly mentions god a lot, the message of the book is having the faith in people and the world. One of good things about this book is that the author started out as an ordinary person, who did not have his calling in his teen and was not found by a millionair to assist his business. His life story seems to be much more familiar to me compared to other famous people. Unexpectedly, the story includes the life of an inventor of popular products, and the book served me as his little biography too.
Pema Chodron - http://www.amazon.com/When-Things-Fall-Apart-Difficult/dp/1570623449/ref=asap_bc?ie=UTF8
She motivates Buddhist philosophy through lessons she learned during difficult times. Probably similar to reasons a lot of us like buddhism...well at least me!
You may have a look at When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times by Pema Chödrön. The product page at Amazon.com offers a preview of that book. You may also look for some of her talks being available online.
> started giving up the hobbies
> First it was weed
> shortly after the painting (so she could focus on music)
> then the music (so she could focus on writing)
> and then that too, because she was tired of it.
> got really into fashion, wasting hundreds of dollars on designer clothes/accessories.
> quit her job to do office work for a factory to make more money
> spits out a kid, and becomes a stay at home mom.
Honestly, this sounds like the typical U.S. "growing up" timeline. She grew the fuck up.
> some no bullshit insight I'm missing.
Yeah, your memories are mostly fiction - get this book and read it cover to cover several times.
The thermonuclear fusion reactor neutron star oneitis you keep comparing other women to... is fiction.
She wasn't the way you remember her. That's why dwelling on the past is so alluring and so self destructive.
Move on with your life by recognizing this as the unhealthy habit it is and conditioning yourself out of it.
Extra videos for you to watch.
Books and CBT
Barkley has two books about this and he is considered the leading ADHD book author on Adult ADHD. Barkley actually has far more than 2 books but the below two are the ones meant for normal people. He has 200+ scientific journals articles/medical textbook chapters to his name and his treatment handbook for ADHD has 6136 scientific cites of his treatment handbook for medical practitioners that came out 10 years ago (2005), and only 1 paper on his theory of Executive Function (1997) has 4898 scientific cites. A very old book on his about ADHD and self control (1997) has 2220 scientific cites. To put this in context there is about a 1000 scientific research papers each year on ADHD
The other authorative author on ADHD is Dr. Hallowell (Driven to Distraction, Delivered from Distraction) are considered the authoritative books on Adult ADHD
Barkley recommends 3 CBT programs by these people. They have books on amazon (I have not read them). I recommend you read these with a therapist for much of it is geared not to you but the therapist who then practice these techniques with yout.
I'm assuming you read grit,
For other people, highly recommend Grit: The Power of Passion and Perserverance. Professor of psychology at UPenn describes her research on "grit" and how it predicts success and expertise.
On violin: this OG Frank Yang video is fantastic
Everything at a top level is ridiculous effort than talent. Everything.
Talented people are born dime a dozen, but only the hard working prevail.
https://www.amazon.com.au/Grit-Angela-Duckworth/dp/1501111108
LULW https://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-Prescription-Adult-ADHD-Strengthening/dp/1590308476
Mindfulness. It can be practiced without meditation but meditation is how a lot of people explicitly practice it. It can feel like the meditation isn't working but you have to stick with it. Meditating and noticing how your mind wanders then recentering is practicing mindfulness. When you start your mind will wander A LOT but it'll get better over time.
A book like this could be helpful: https://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-Eight-Week-Finding-Peace-Frantic/dp/1609618955
Here you go, in case you actually want to understand how normal people can be so easily made into monsters. Or you can choose not to understand such things and probably live a happier life, your call.
Hah! This just came up for me! I'm just reading the IFS book Self Therapy by Jay Earley and recently got the workbook (written by Earley's wife) u/wherewolfish mentioned.
Basically the resistance and criticism comes from a Protector part. I've gotten as far as ch. 2, so not far yet. But there are Exiled parts, the parts that were wounded in childhood; and Protector parts, the parts that protect the exiles.
The Protector parts are basically the behaviors you take on in a flashback, they tend to act on an unconscious level and protect you from feeling pain when you do something that reminds you, also often unconsciously, of a past.
For example someone once told me a story about how their sister could not be around open flames. If someone lit a match, she'd feel profoundly anxious. If someone lit a fire or stove, she would leave the room. Often she had excuses without really being consciously aware of her anxiety around flames. Finally it came up that when she was really little the house caught on fire. Her mom ran into their bedroom and grabbed her older sister, leaving her, the younger sister, in her crib, while the house literally in smoke and flames. Once her mother got the older sister to safety she ran back and got her. But for that time she was left as an infant, abandoned. I think when she realized this she finally was able to light a match and she burst into tears.
The resistance is usually a protector, doing these things likely brings something up for you. Also the Inner Critic, where you beat yourself up, is often also a protector. Both protectors are doing something. One is preventing you from being hurt if you take action, the other is trying to prevent you from being hurt by not taking action. They're like protector siblings and may be protecting the same or different exiles.
Basically the path out is using curiousity and conpassion, being emapthetic to those parts, which likely developed in childhood and have a logic that comes from that. Kids develop solutions to survive as best they can from their developing understanding of the world. These parts, both protectors and exiles tend to be frozen in time and don't have access to adult logic. You will have to 'interact' with them to bring them up to date, and it may involve being patient and compassionate as you would be with a child, or someone learning something conpletely new. Basically you root why you're resisting and why you're criticizing yourself, and later find out what the exile is about and comfort them. Once the exile is safe the protectors no longer have to protect them. The IFS books discuss the process in more detail. I don't know it well enough yet to describe it.
The argument against that comparison is that those upper atmosphere reactions consist of particles traveling at or around light speed colliding with ones that are relatively stationary. Whatever bad stuff may happen (MBH's and strangelets, presumably) gets careened away from, or through and away from, earth due to high residual momentum.
The LHC will collide particles directly into each other, possibly cancelling the momentum of some of the resulting particles. If MBHs are created, don't immediately evaporate due to Hawking Radiation (which we're not certain exists), and aren't careened off anywhere, they will eventually fall to the center of earth's gravity and aggregate there. Do this long enough, and eventually Earth gets sucked up.
I know nothing about this and hate to talk about something I am completely ignorant on, but the critics are worth reading. They're apparently not all a bunch of quacks.
Having recently read Nassim Taleb's works on the impact of the highly improbable, I find myself sympathetic to the desire of some physicists who want to require LHC to do a full safety analysis before going online. I know the entire global particle physics community is waiting in breathless anticipation, and I myself have long lamented the shortsighted cancellation of the even more awesome SSC, but would it kill us to delay a half year or whatever to do a full, formal risk assessment?
I'm not sure about essential to every occult library (and I realize some of these aren't necessarily considered primarily 'occult' texts), but here are a few I've found useful:
Fetishizing self-degradation because of low self-esteem is not healthy. But ignoring the issue once that urge passes will not solve the root of your problems.
Two books I can recommend that might be helpful in confronting these issues from your past:
https://www.amazon.com/Healing-Shame-Binds-Recovery-Classics/dp/0757303234
https://www.amazon.com/Im-OK-Youre-OK-Thomas-Harris/dp/0060724277
As someone in a VERY similar situation, I'd recommend checking out this book.
You should check /r/Stoicism.
You can start by reading the FAQ. This book also is a great start.
My perception as a fellow 28 year old is that you might be a bit too hard on yourself for calling your life a mess when you can't stick to a diet/gym schedule. I do plenty of things my 13 year old self would be jealous of (weekly Halo with friends, ComicCon outings, visiting the heart of geeky Japan, and even occasionally eating a whole pizza solo), and I don't see any shame in that.
Also, be wary that even if you succeed in all those things, they won't necessarily make you feel like you're much less of a mess. They'll help, but I found that once I got myself on track a bit, I started to feel small and purposeless if my only goals were around me and my physical state.
That said, (and I only started this a year or two ago), I would recommend a two-fold approach for achieving what you said.
First, Tim Ferris' Four Hour Body for diet and exercise. It's relentlessly focused on the absolute minimum things you can do and still get results. The gym time is minimal, and the diet is mentally simple enough that I've stuck with it for a few years. If you've tried other things and lost motivation, simplicity is a great tool for making sure you don't fall too far off the wagon.
Second, I recommend some in-depth reading about habit formation. I've read a lot, but I think The Power of Habit is a decent overview along with this podcast episode. Basically habits are the hack you can perform to level up your routine with minimal effort. It can be tricky, but this is the method I've used to make sure I floss regularly, keep my apartment clean after meals, and do the minimal cook prep I need to do each week.
So... chill out and take a deep breath. There's plenty of time to improve, and I agree with the others that the best approach is to try one thing at a time.
The Derek Scott videos get a huge huge vote from me! I recommend starting this playlist of several 20-minute-ish videos he made called IFS For Therapists.
Yes the name sounds sort of confusing, cause we're not therapists, but it's the best video description of IFS I have found.
Also Jay Earley is a therapist who champions the idea that IFS should be done on your own. He believes that 1) this will give many, many more people access to help and 2) the IFS process is simple and formulaic enough that pretty much anyone can do it without a professional. He wrote Self-Therapy: A Step-By-Step Guide to Creating Wholeness and Healing Your Inner Child Using IFS, A New, Cutting-Edge Psychotherapy which is specifically designed to do on your own.
For full disclosure, I haven't read the book yet, but I probably will if I ever hit a wall. Even my therapist agrees that she doesn't need to help me with IFS, though she supports me doing it and is always happy to hear about my findings.
I found the following book to be really useful on integration; almost the entirety of the last third of the book is dedicated to integration.
Another reddit user on this forum, 'liquidrome' has made some interesting points about integration; namely the idea that in his view one of the most potent methods of integration is to 'go for a long walk in a forest, around a lake, and to listen to the same music playlist I used for the session. This evokes the material from the session again, and integrates it into normal waking consciousness. Often this walk will also bring up more feelings and continue the healing process — sometimes more powerfully than the session itself.' Here's a [link] (https://www.reddit.com/r/mdmatherapy/comments/d1d861/getting_worse_after_taking_mdma/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share) to one of his comments on a post where he explains this in a little more detail (it's his second comment on the post) . I've read a few of his posts and comments and whilst I may disagree with some of his views on maps, he has undergone 100s of psychedelic therapy sessions so I personally value his opinion highly in this area even though it doesn't come from a book. I personally haven't tried this method yet and as I haven't had a session since I came across it but I intend to try it following my next session.
Here are a couple of other books I've found super useful in general for psychedelic therapy.
They also talk about integration, although integration isn't a main focus:
[Psychedelic psychotherapy] (https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0963009656/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_t1_1jUDDbX3B0XE3) - I made a post about it here. Honestly one of the most useful books I've read in my life. It's very much a practical guide to me on to how use psychedelics to heal from trauma, rather than many other books in the arena that appear to focus on why psydhclics can heal from trauma.
Internal family systems - I'm reading this book at the moment, and being someone who doesn't have a background in psychology its been super useful so far for understanding my mental landscapes, in a way that a layman like me can understand. This in turn I feel will help me to navigate my defences and other elements and psychological concepts that come up in my experience, and thus help me to heal efficiently and integrate effectively.
Hope something in this post is of help. Good luck on your healing journey :)
Yeah actually, most of the dancing I've done has been at weddings. It's a lot easier to just "let go" when you're half drunk on red plus it's easier when you know the songs already and the rhythm and can anticipate the vocals and musical shifts, etc. Although besides that and dancing alone in my living room sometimes I don't really seek it as recreational activity.
ETA: If anyone gets the chance I would recommend Oliver Sacks' book Musicophilia where he discusses the neurology of music as well as disorders of the brain and how they affect musicality; mainly it's a collection of case studies with some being quite profound and rather odd. He also discusses how music is something of a neurologically unique phenomenon in how many of the different parts of the brain are recruited to process and enjoy it - including the motor cortex. There is an aspect of musicality that is culturally transcendent, that it moves, animates, transports, even if only minimally physically. Good book, Sacks was a good guy.
I like this question.
Beginner:
Student:
Expert:
Oliver Sacks wrote one as well. I haven't read it yet, but Sacks is always solid.
> Knowing what you don't know is really useful in life. And business.
There's a lot of truth in this single sentence alone. Counterpart quote from Mark Twain:
> It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
I can recommend everybody to read the book "The Black Swan: The Impact of the Highly Improbable" if you are interested in getting better at these things.
Thanks once again for this amazing write up Molly. While I've never crunched these numbers to the full extent I realized pretty quickly how bad these convertibles will hit ACB in the future - this was one of the main reasons why I stayed away from them all the time. Crazy how high they've run still.
Have you read Nassim Taleb's The Black Swan or his Fooled by Randomness?
If not, go and order a copy of both now.
I think Brian Tracy also wrote a book on this...
Amazon link to book
I hate drugs and therapy too. It sounds schlocky, but mindfulness based meditation is really helpful. This book is my favorite because it's based on slowly building up over eight weeks and comes with guided tracks that focus on relaxing your body and refocusing your mind. You can just stick to doing the little five minute ones once a day or you can progress through the longer ones.
It really does help because it forces to you redirect your attention and correct your breathing. There's also stuff that teaches you how to deconstruct anxious thoughts and accept that it's all stuff you literally can't do anything about. It's definitely worth a try if you're at the end of your rope.
Modern Magick will teach you basic magic rituals/practices.
>One night I accidentally discovered masturbation when I stroked it and ejaculated everywhere. This was a huge shock to me and it scared me enough that I didn't do it again for a few weeks at least. But then I got curious enough to try it again, and continued doing it almost every day until recently.
This brings me back to the first time I discovered masturbation. I did this weird thing in the bathtub where I let the stream of water hit my penis. Haha, it's funny to think about now. I thought I had discovered fire or something, lol.
>I never considered myself an addict or considered my masturbation a problem, though. I thought that actually having sex would be like the ultimate form of porn and be so much better.
It's so crazy to consider this, but I thought about sex in a very similar way. No wonder our sexuality turned out to be so screwed up. If porn is the #1 and sometimes only model for sex then we are going to treat it like the bible for sex. What a sad thought. Traditional porn sets such a ridiculous standard that no man or woman could live up to.
>An interesting thing happened around day 80. I had a wet dream. The first wet dream I've had in probably well over ten years. This is the only orgasm I've had since three months ago when I relapsed. It was so extreme that I woke up immediately and had to change my pants. I remember the dream and I wasn't dreaming of watching porn! I was really happy about that.
Dude, I have been having wet dreams like a mother fucker. I honestly don't know the science behind it 100% and haven't taken the time to research this topic, but I'm guessing this is just the body's way of getting rid of excessive semen buildup. I think I've had one wet dream every week of nofap so far. I used to wake up trying to will the orgasm away, but really there was so way to stop it. Now I just let myself ejaculate and go back to sleep. I wish I was conscious enough to at least wash up before I fall asleep again, but most of the time I am just barely awake. I have never remembered the contents of any of these "wet dreams."
>Last night, on the eve of my 90th day of nofap, I actually got hard enough to put one on and I actually penetrated her for the first time. I guess that was losing my virginity. I went soft very quickly, but it felt good for a short time. This is progress. I just wish I didn't have to put her through this, though. As a man my instinct is to look after her and take control, but I feel that she is having to do that for me now. And I'm afraid that she will lose interest in helping me through this. I love her and she's so beautiful and perfect but I'm afraid that I can't show her this.
This worries me. I am not a doctor or a therapist, but my unofficial diagnoses is that you might be suffering from an underlying issue. Because of your age, it most likely is not a medical issue. I would recommend at least seeing a doctor to make sure that nothing is going wrong behind the scenes. In my experience a couple of weeks is all that I needed to achieve erection during sex. But everyone is different and I don't mean to say this so that you will worry unnecessarily.
I would also highly recommend therapy for everyone in recovery. I am seeing someone who is $100/hour, once a week, but after insurance it's really only $30 per session. That eating out 1-2 per week. I can make this sacrifice for the sake of my recovery. A problem shared is a problem halved. I would also say there is a good chance you are dealing with a lot of unresolved shame that resulted from your addiction and your past.
This book is great for dealing with shame.
http://www.amazon.com/Healing-Shame-Binds-Recovery-Classics/dp/0757303234
It has helped me greatly with my own struggle to deal with my past and make peace with my mistakes and accepting myself as a person.
>I feel so much better in the "real world" now than I ever have in my life. I'm never going back. Onwards and upwards!
Congrats on 90 days of recovery. You say that there have been a few relapses so I am unsure of whether this 90 days represents 90 uninterrupted days of recovery, but either way it is an incredible achievement and it is obvious that you are dedicated to healing yourself. Best wishes to you on your road to recovery.
Oh gosh. Oh boy. Absolutely the book Radical Acceptance. It's a mixture of psychotherapeutic techniques rooted in mindfulness and buddhist philosophy but it's so in line with BTS's recent concepts and slots in so well with so many of the values they stand for as a group. It's just really, really good.
Also, my favorite non-BTS band, Sakanaction. They're a music group that I've always felt has a worldview and purposefulness very similar to BTS. Much of their music consists of musings on all the pain and melancholy and loneliness in life but done in such a way that brings it all together and reminds us that we're not alone, we're all searching for something and doing the best that we can.
Some recs: Eureka (imho the spiritual brother of Seoul from Mono, except the song is about Tokyo), Aruku Around (about the relentless search for meaning in life), Music (about the creative drive to create music & its power to move and delight in spite of human suffering), Native Dancer (literally cannot understand what the lyrics are trying to say but it's such a great song). I think Namjoon would dig them, bigtime.
Also, The Dispossessed is a great recommendation!
Regarding seeing fat: It's not unusual for a person in our culture to have a misguided perspective on how one looks. We've been brainwashed from an early age to think we have to look like models in magazines as well as in any media such as movies or TV shows.
It takes effort to not succumb to that brainwashing. Females can't look like 14 year olds our whole lives, even though that's what the media portrays. Remember, movies and magazines want to sell their product, and sex sells, and so for females, 14 year old body sells.
Go to a public place, such as a shopping mall or any place where there are a variety of ages of people. Notice how women over 22 appear. Notice what they look like. This is natural. We are not supposed to retain a 14 year old's body our whole life.
Regarding guilt from eating: Clearly, not everyone feels this way. This guilt from eating is part of the disorder, which is why it is a eating disorder.
Regarding weight: Being preoccupied with weight is part of the disorder as well. Most people with EDs are not underweight. You do not have to be underweight to have an ED, and skilled professionals know that.
Regarding liking yourself: It is not unusual in our culture for people to not appreciate themselves. For me, I spent a lot of time learning to appreciate myself. It is work, and it is very worthwhile. Our self-talk seems to fall into comfortable ruts, and depressed mind likes depressed thoughts. Depressed mind does not want to change. It took me years to work through, and it made a huge difference. You can change your self-talk and learn to appreciate yourself. Here are some links that explain this further. Refuge Center, Mayo Clinic, or if you search for "affirmations" that could help.
Learning to be grateful for what you have right now (ability to see, to walk, to breathe easily, etc) can help create positive thoughts, which, if nothing else, means you're not spinning out in negative ones. Learn to appreciate your inner qualities, such as your kindness, your sincerity, your creativity, your generosity. Train your mind to tie in a specific example of your actions showing this, such as. "I gave my dog attention and this is one way I am kind." "I spontaneously sent my aunt a postcard and this is one way I demonstrate my generosity," etc. A book, Reflective Journaling (free pdf version) has some good sections on learning to appreciate yourself. Also, Radical Acceptance is quite good, too.
Regarding help: Most people recover with professional help. Recovery is essential because by undereating, you are not nourishing your brain, and an undernourished brain doesn't work right. And, others may be able to tell that you're not thinking clearly, but you may not be able to see it yourself. This is part of the disorder. Over the course of time, an ED will ruin your physical strength and can even cause premature death. If it ruins your health, you may have to live with your parents because you'll need help like an old person does. My sister, who has had an ED for over 30 years, is in that situation.
Please seek help, if not your parents, then a teacher, a medical doctor, or perhaps some of the links in the sidebars and the numbers they provide. More power to you!
Shame is self-hate and while you have a point, it's not so simple. Check this book out.
https://www.amazon.com/White-Fragility-People-About-Racism/dp/0807047414
Start reading, I’m paying too much money for this Sociology degree to give you the answers for free.
The title of this episode is so clear, Jeff has a very easy time calling it. As Dan comes to realize, his initial race rant kind of doesn't have a point, but it's still interesting.
While they shockingly didn't say "Eat that mike," Spencer's "yeahhh ..." is impeccable.
When Tim Talbot relays how he was able to get a writing job on South Park without a credit or a script, I was struck by the sheer privilege of having that connection to their assistant. It sounds like the sort of thing Dan would talk about on Whiting Wongs; in fact, they do discuss the (apparently) famous writers' retreats, but I can't remember on which episode.
God, the Stanford Prison Experiment is just so fascinating, though. The ramifications extend so far beyond college studies and even prisons -- into any uneven power dynamic or label given to a person. If you want to read Zimbardo's firsthand account, check out The Lucifer Effect.
I haven't watched The Stanford Prison Experiment or Accidental Courtesy, but now I really want to. Daryl Davis also did a TEDx talk. As a white person, I'm at the point where I question the value of this approach in the short term; our priority should probably just be to defeat them politically to start with, and then we can worry about rehabilitation. I guess we can do both, but we can't lose sight of the ground we're in danger of losing.
The discussion about who would be good as a prisoner or a guard is pretty fascinating; of course I assume I would be a humane guard, but I can also be pretty demanding when I'm in charge of things, so there's a streak there that worries me a little. Also, these themes were brought up pretty heavily in this final season of Game of Thrones with the notion of "breaking the wheel."
I really can't believe this is the first time Jeff has told his Hollywood story on Harmontown, but I can't find any evidence to the contrary. Apparently he tells it a little more extensively on an episode of A.D.D. Comedy.
The talk about how people are affected by the roles and labels they're assigned reminded me of an incredible episode of This American Life in which they follow a blind man who appears to have fewer limitations because of the different expectations placed on him as a child. They frame the story with a study in which rats randomly labeled as "smart" perform better in mazes when their handlers are told which rats are "smart." Again, the implications are huge. Entire populations and categories of people are held back by what they are told about themselves.
The word "voluminous" took me to a different place than it was going because of Erin McGathy on Doughboys -- I even misheard the next word at first (to be fair, I had a faucet running).
"I am a guard because I've been given the microphone ... well, I took it -- with a lifetime of talent ..." Jeff suggest this should be the title instead, but it's not as charmingly pithy.
"You named a sad fat guy from your heart." What a moment of Serendipity -- without realizing it, an audience member gives Dan the same nickname as one of the characters in Monster House: Chowder.
Here's an archived version of the Balls Out script. The Black List podcast reading appears to be for subscribers only.
They merely tease their D&D character creation and the move to Starburns Castle, which keeps the episode length under (about 11 minutes short of two hours -- at least the edited time). At least Spencer got in a few of his brief but inimitable and incomprehensibly hilarious moments, which is sometimes just enough.
The Lucifer Effect: Understanding How Good People Turn Evil, Phillip Zimbardo
About he famous Stanford Prison Experiment, and how the findings relate to behavior today.
I'd recommend the book Self-therapy. It's an accessible introduction to Internal Family Systems Therapy. It's come up a few times in the rationality community - in particular in this post by Kaj Sotala.
There are a couple of really helpful books out there that I can link you when I'm home and not on mobile.
One thing that I think is helpful is to pay attention to parts in the moment when they are activated and you notice their presence. You can take a moment to notice them, internally say hello, and ask them what their role or job is.
Another way to find them is to think of a situation that activates a lot of parts, called a trailhead, and then think about what parts you've noticed tend to show up during that sort of situation.
Remember in IFS you learn about parts by communicating with them, not by intellectualizing about them. So always be sure to be asking the part directly. There are lots of good questions you can ask to learn more about your parts.
Edit: I'm reading Self-Therapy: A Step-By-Step Guide to Creating Wholeness and Healing Your Inner Child Using IFS and using Self-Therapy Workbook: An Exercise Book For The IFS Process. If you get the digital editions of both, it's under $20 for the pair. I've found them really helpful for filling in between therapy sessions and preparing for therapy.
Earworms are so frustrating! There isn't a lot of research on what causes them or how to get rid of them because it is such an individual experience. One study I read suggested that some participants were able to stop earworms by chewing (food, gum). Oliver Sacks has an interesting chapter on earworms in his book Musicophilia.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/1400033535/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_ioTNzb0FDWJP3
Man, I'm sorry, that sucks.
A few things to keep in mind:
Remember, lesbians have healthy sex lives without a penis at all.
https://www.amazon.com/Guide-Good-Life-Ancient-Stoic/dp/1522632735
Right now, you're focused a lot on what you don't have. This book will help you learn how to be content regardless of what you have.
I highly recommend a book called "Mindfulness: An Eight-Week Plan for Finding Peace in a Frantic World." It was a great starting place for me if you're considering taking the plunge (and I think you should!)
https://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-Eight-Week-Finding-Peace-Frantic/dp/1609618955/ref=sr_1_4?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1540520886&sr=1-4&keywords=mindfulness
I practice mindfulness everyday. I started with this guide:
http://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-Eight-Week-Finding-Peace-Frantic/dp/1609618955
I believe it's fundamentally transformed who I am and how I live.
Hi, I'm sorry for your loss.
I would advise a practical approach at this time because the philosophical side of Buddhism can be a tricky path for beginners seeking comfort. It can easily be misinterpreted and lead to nihilism rather than relief. You may find your grieving and depression lessens the more you follow simple Buddhist practices and ethics. Try to stick to the five precepts as best you can and look outward from yourself with compassion and the intention to help others. Depression and grief are very 'inward-turned' emotions, as in they make you think more about yourself and your own situation than about others. Actively trying to not think about yourself eases them, as paradoxical as it may seem.
For meditation you can try a regular routine of Vipassana and Metta. You don't have to be amazing at them, just do them. A few minutes each day, and if you can't manage a few minutes, try a few seconds and build up from there. Set a mindfulness bell app on your phone to go off randomly once every hour or two and commit to doing 30 seconds of vipassana or metta each time you hear it.
A good book for mindfulness practice that avoids trickier philosophy is John Kabat Zinn's Wherever you go, there you are.
For grieving, there are some nice books that can help without getting too into the weeds of Buddhist metaphysics. Pema Chodron's When things fall apart and Thich Nhat Hanh's Fear.
You may also find it useful to join a local school. You may be drawn towards more traditional schools such as Zen or Theravada but I would recommend, since you are grieving and experiencing depression, that you first start with a more secular school, such a non affiliated meditation center. You can look for groups in your area using Buddhanet's World Buddhist Directory
Finally, you may find some sage advice and comfort in Gil Fronsdal's wonderful free mp3 talks over at Audiodharma.net.
Hope this helps and I hope your pain eases soon. be gentle on yourself.
These books were extremely helpful for me during a period where I was recovering from a botched suicide attempt and clinical depression.
When Things Fall Apart
The Places that Scare You
I hope this is what you're looking for. I feel like the first book is most relevant. They're great books, and I get more out of them every time I reread them.
You can certainly support him in this, but you can't do it all.
His primary doctor or oncologist should refer him to a psychologist or social worker or to an integrative care specialist who can can do the same. They can point you to programs and classes to help people facing illness handle stress, e.g., meditation, yoga, etc. Anti-anxiety medication like lorazepam can be pretty effective.
Also, he should consider joining a cancer support group. There is something about sharing with other people going through similar things that is very powerful.
If he is actively religious then you may want to speak to his clergy person. You can do this even if you are not religious yourself.
You can do your part by simply being there, listening, and not judging or correcting him. What he is feeling is part of a natural process. In fact, it is a healthy sign that he is sharing his fears with you.
Some specific books that you may want to take a look at both for yourself and for him include:
Those are just off the top of my head. I will let you know if I have any other ideas. Both my parents died from cancer and I went with them through it pretty much every step of the way.
Make sure that as you go through the process of helping your father, you also take care of yourself. The more mentally and emotionally centered you are, the better you can help him. It is like when they tell you on the airplane to put on your own oxygen mask before helping a child put on theirs.
Peace and good wishes to you.
Dan
EDIT-fixed a link
Sounds like you are making great progress. Here's a couple of things to try:
​
*If you are interested, there are two other books that may be of use on your journey. Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach and Lovingkindness: The Revolutionary Art of Happiness by Sharon Salzburg
Are you a person that's into crafting, painting, woodworking, etc.? If so, studying a little about Thelemic symbols or magickal tools could give some ideas on how to create a unique item for using in a magickal ritual.
If not, Etsy is a fun place to find occult gifts like magickal tools (wands, pantacles, cups, swords, robes, tarot cards, talismans, crystals, art) from craftspeople that specialize in this kind of thing. Almost all aspiring magicians need some or all of these things for ritual in the Thelemic system.
You could also get 'blank canvas' type tools for the magician to create their own talismanic work: a nicely crafted blank notebook as a grimoire/magickal journal or large format blank art paper (and paint/markers/pens) to create sigils, seals, and pantacles.
The books of Thelema are nice for collecting as well, if she doesn't already have these:
Start with Stoicism.
https://www.amazon.com/Guide-Good-Life-Ancient-Stoic-ebook/dp/B0040JHNQG is a good place to start. You can find the audio book online too...
The one person in the world who gave the fewest fucks was Diogenes of Sinope. You can read up on him in https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lives_and_Opinions_of_Eminent_Philosophers
How do you measure the success ? Wealth ? Fame ? Both are not worth pursuing and you already know that, since they don't bring happiness to life. Two things come to my mind:
Hope this helps man, good luck ! You are already doing a massive good job by being super honest with yourself and sharing this problem and all its details. This is not an easy thing to do and requires a lot of ego-gymnastics.
The only way to escape procrastination is to keep a to-do list and routine. Set a deadline for each task you need to do and create habits.
Good apps helps a lot, I use School Planner and TimeTune to do that. Books also helps, read Charles Duhigg's "The Power of Habit".
I'm not sure if it was Charles Duhigg's "The power of habit" or an article, but it helped me accept that habits are not mundane or boring. The idea is that by making your wake-up routine a habit you don't have to waste willpower and energy on thinking about it. Instead of going "Where do I run, what do I eat, what do I wear, Where are my keys, Why am I doing this" you just do the routine and save this mental energy for more important questions or activities.
After this I changed my wake-up routine to 07:00 out and about, regardless. Subsequently I go to sleep a bit earlier... it's quite nice.
Learn what a habit is, how they form and how to create new habits
This book is also good on how to stay focused on the 'one thing' it is that you want to do.
At the end of the day, it comes down to working on whatever it is you're interested in EVERY SINGLE DAY. Even 15 minutes is better than 0. I have new ideas that I come up with all the time, will work on them for a bit then nothing. But if it's an idea that I'm really excited about I will just keep trying to work on it at least once a day. This will most likely mean sacrificing 'fun' and time with friends/family so there has to be a 'WHY' for whatever it is that you're working on.
I've had a lot of ideas that were exciting at first but at the end of the day the WHY wasn't that powerful so they would fall through but this current project I'm working on has the potential to make me insane amounts of money which is a huge 'WHY' and is why I have been not hanging out with anybody and just working on the project every single day. Some days I don't feel like it but I just get started and then the ideas/motivation will usually flow from there. Also, listening to motivational videos when you're feeling lazy or even working on it will help too.
Working while playing videos like thiswill usually light a fire and give me tons of energy to keep making progress. I can recite almost all motivation videos/speeches on youtube at this point haha
No, I don't have a degree in Sociology, which is why I listen to the people who do and have dedicated their lives to the subject.
>And what do you mean by "modern research in Sociology"?
Try:
Robin DiAngelo. White Fragility.
Caleb Rosado. The Undergirding Factor is Power. Toward an Understanding of Prejudice and Racism
You can read much of this one for free: Don Operario and Susan T. Fiske. Racism Equals Power Plus Prejudice. A Social Psychological Equation for Racial Oppression
Every definition is "made up," racism as an equation is the one that makes the most sense because it describes problems that go beyond crude racial prejudice. Also, as Fiske and Operario said, power has a direct influence on the nature of prejudice, and racial categories are constructed through societal power.
To use your poor rural folk example, imagine they belonged to race B and race A was oppressing them. Race B can hold racial prejudices against race A, however only race A can be racist because, beyond prejudice, they hold socioeconomic power through which they can create a system to enforce it. For sure, you could say "they're both racist," but considering the inequality between them that is a pretty useless statement. That's why academia has been increasingly adopting the new definition. Racism without power is incomplete.
White Fragility: Why It's So Hard for White People to Talk About Racism
I'm reading this https://www.amazon.com/White-Fragility-People-About-Racism/dp/0807047414/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1539617425&sr=1-3&keywords=white+fragility&dpID=51x-m%252B9MYPL&preST=_SY291_BO1,204,203,200_QL40_&dpSrc=srch
You're asking both a very simple and very complex question. The reality is that there is no way to accurately explain the cause of cruelty in a reddit post. People have devoted entire books and articles to it.
14 hours after you posted this there are 58 comments in this thread. After reading through the parent posts, I see a number of very good explanations. Feelings of power, rewards, structural brain differences, lack of empathy/anti-social behavior/psychothapy, people were victims themselves, evolutionary reasons, etc. And these are just the first couple of parent threads in your topic.
The point I'm making is there are a LOT of reasons people can become cruel. I'm not saying this to discourage you from asking this question, but to encourage you to read up on some of this research. Phillip Zimbardo (of the Stanford Prison Study [<- 2 links here]) spends much of his current research examining the nature of human cruelty. His most recent book, "The Lucifer Effect: Understanding How Good People Turn Evil" examines this problem.
The reality is that there is no easy answer to your question. People become cruel/do cruel things for any number of reasons. This is a much a philosophical question as it is a psychological and neuropsychological one. That said, if this is an area you're really interested in studying, I'd encourage you to read more of Zimbardo's work (knowing the prison study isn't enough - I'd guess most people in this subreddit are at least somewhat familiar with it. I mean that you should actually read some of his books, as this will give you a much clearer picture of what you want to know).
You seem to have a balanced perspective between your needs and others capabilities. ;)
Some may think you cynical, but I see pragmatism and clear reality.
>The fact that they don't want to talk about it or apologize tells me that even though my aunt divorced him, they still don't really believe me.
From experience, when there is a sexual predator in a household the spouse denies any knowledge and acts as a cover. Your aunt is probably very guilty for her past complicity in not protecting you. She will flip and flop from believing you to believing what she did was right to believing it was all a nightmare...to flipping out and going shopping.
Until she has it straight in her head and can handle reality she will just scapegoat you as the trouble maker.
Abuse survivors crave and seek reassurance that what happened to them has been recognised and yet the people who knew will run the other way. Never underestimate the levels to which folks will delude themselves to quell cognitive dissonance and escape from the reality that they have been Evil and Wrong.
You may find it helpful to read Philip Zimbardo's book "The Lucifer Effect: Understanding How Good People Turn Evil".
Peer pressure is a big issue, as is authoritarian pressure. They can make angels into devils and they will swear that what they have done could not be wrong because ... angel!
I would hazard a guess that in the past your Grandmother was about and no one wanted her upset, but now she is either dead or reduced markedly in her status, probably in an old folks home?
Shifts in the status of an Alpha Figure can allow change such as divorce to happen easily, and leave many dealing with past complicity in keeping the Alpha Happy at the expense of others.
My betting is you are dealing with many dynamics that always put you out on the edge, and frankly, you have every right to be pissed.
Getting passed the pissed stage often comes with understanding the dynamics and how others have been playing chess with many players. Forgive and forget is often a bully defence and delivered whilst standing on a rug with 10 feet of detritus supposedly hidden under it.
Remember, Understand and Be Vigilant and not be held back is the best motto.
Reminds me of the Stanford prison experiment, specifically Philip Zombardo's take on it in The Lucifer Effect. I have to wonder whether they were just being plain ignorant to let her "drugs" wear off, or if they knew she had type 1 diabetes and were just mistaking it for type 2, which is not a disease that one up and dies from overnight (unless they consume enough sugar to be poisonous I guess).
Have you seen their Highlights for High School feature?
Also, there are sites like Academic Earth that might be useful.
Here are a few blogs with potential. You'll have to decide for yourself if they have inappropriate content.
Here are a few book recommendations covering various fields, in no particular order (though they should all read #1):
And here's a video interview with Richard Feynman they might enjoy.
I think there are a lot of factors here that make a perfect storm that probably exists in most facilities like this:
My guess is that if someone is personally treated like shit by those around them, and is in a work environment that is already both shitty and cruel, that a person could snap and become a monster. It's kind of like if you have a bad day at school with bullies, come home crying, and you take it out on the dog. Watch the movie Food Inc to get a sense of how many such workers are treated, as I think it shows fairly clearly that such conditions are common.
Next there are issues of authority. (Think Stanford Prison Experiments). Here one is given authority over others, in this case chickens, in shitty conditions and naturally becomes abused. All the more powerful since in this particular case the victims are absolutely considered inferior by most of society, and are already placed into cruel conditions of death and suffering.
Add to that a permissive atmosphere with few and poorly enforced regulations, and a generally permissive public that chooses to turn a blind eye.
Finally, the people working there themselves are likely not the kind of people who meditate on the nature of consciousness and suffering.
I'm sure there are many other factors.
A book I might suggest reading that helps explain a lot of such behaviors is The Lucifer Effect by Dr. Philip Zimbardo. It really can be an eye opener about answering questions about mass murders, prison abuse such as Abu Ghraib, police behavior in the Occupy movement etc.
> Basically, provide proof that the animal behaves like an animal, because it is treated as such. The closest I can recall to this in play is the Stanford prison experiment. Basically, some students were set up as prison guards, others as inmates, and the whole thing deteriorated to the point of unmanageable in a couple days.
And on related note, I'd recommend the Stanford prison experiment guy's book The Lucifer Effect: Understanding How Good People Turn Evil. The corresponding website also has a fair bit of useful information - see particularly Resisting Influence and Dehumanization
I recommend having a look at the side bar as well as maybe try picking up some reading material this book is a excellent start for some 101 informational! This sub has a excellent group of people so people for the most part are very happy to share their wisdom!
I myself am a Wiccan and could imagine myself any other way and a just recently started down the path of becoming a green witch! If you ever have any questions and your shy about posting feel free to message me and I’ll help the best I can! ☺️
I'm a fan of Cunningham's A guide for the solitary practitioner which seems to have a nice starting point for most people, solitary or not.
http://www.amazon.com/Wicca-Solitary-Practitioner-Scott-Cunningham/dp/0875421180
geez! that's some negative self talk you have there. are you in therapy at all? if not, you should be! if you can't afford actual therapy try an online program like MoodGym, or self help books like this one maybe. also, as someone who is very introverted/reclusive, i totally get the inability to function in a (presumably open plan) office space. my advice is to change jobs. might take awhile to work it out, but it can be done- look for remote jobs on a (fee-based but worth it) site like Virtual Vocations. alternatively, propose that you work from home one day a week to start, doing video calls if you need to and generally kicking ass... until you can slowly transition to more days of the week or all of them remote (i work 100% remote, and can say that this is possible as well).
I recomend a book called self therapy by Jay earley . It deals with a new type of psychotherapy called Internal family systems. I have been in therapy for almost thirty years and this is the most useful therapy I have found. I will give you a few links that explains the system.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Internal_Family_Systems_Model
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ibMlGs6Q4kk
https://www.amazon.com/Self-Therapy-Step-Step-Cutting-Edge-Psychotherapy/dp/0984392777/ref=pd_bxgy_14_img_2?_encoding=UTF8&amp;pd_rd_i=0984392777&amp;pd_rd_r=ee07706a-bb07-11e8-85dd-873fcc9bd247&amp;pd_rd_w=BCT7s&amp;pd_rd_wg=zewXm&amp;pf_rd_i=desktop-dp-sims&amp;pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&amp;pf_rd_p=3f9889ac-6c45-46e8-b515-3af650557207&amp;pf_rd_r=5051NST9VZQF7K5K73ZF&amp;pf_rd_s=desktop-dp-sims&amp;pf_rd_t=40701&amp;psc=1&amp;refRID=5051NST9VZQF7K5K73ZF
I hope it helps
Sure. EMDR is a PTSD treatment. It works by providing alternating stimulation to both sides of the brain, either through alternating eye movement or a buzzing stimulation through your hands, while you revisit a traumatic memory. Why it works is still a bit of a mystery but for me it has the double effect of 1. dimming the intensity of the traumatic memory while you work on it, and 2. opening up the non-rational parts of your brain to process through the trauma.
Part of my CPTSD is that I am too left brained and don't have much connection with my emotions or body. EMDR allows me to connect with those parts of my brain so I can work with the trauma that is 'stuck' in the places that I normally cannot access.
IFS stands for internal family systems or 'parts' therapy. People with CPTSD typically have a less solidifed ego that is split into more disparate parts that play overdeveloped protector roles. IFS works with these individual parts to help identify them and change their roles to improve behaviors and outcomes.
Here is a typical IFS session. If that interests you, I strongly recommend the Self Therapy book to look into doing IFS work at home. It's pretty straightforward and can be really powerful.
I personally like the combination of EMDR and IFS. I feel like EMDR heals the trauma and IFS is good for rebuilding your ego/identity once that trauma is lessened. They work hand in hand.
Glad you found it useful!
Literally most important is a tough question. A few years back, I made a list of ones that felt most influential to me: https://kajsotala.fi/2017/05/books-that-have-had-the-biggest-impact-on-my-lifethought/, though that doesn't necessarily make them important for other people to read.
Books that would also go on that list if I were to write it now would be Transform Your Self, Self-Therapy, and of course Unlocking the Emotional Brain.
I don't think it has that much to do with how much time has passed. At least not in terms of "x number of years".
Every art form is never completely new, and simply builds on what came before. To say that Citizen Kane took us roughly 50 years from what one might call the "infancy of film" is somewhat misleading. Film builds upon a foundation of theatre, which has existed for thousands of years(greek comedies/tragedies, etc). All of the storytelling, character development, etc has been with humanity much longer than the discovery of motion pictures.
If you take games purely for what they are (mostly leaving the narrative element aside since the mechanics are what make games unique from other medium (flim, novels, etc)) then we have plenty of games that have never been truly usurped. Elite, Master of Orion 2, and others still have elements that haven't been expanded upon much (obviously this is subjective, like all art opinion).
The other comment about the game of Go is very applicable, as it alludes to just how much we build on previous forms of media. Elements of gameplay have existed much longer than computers have. Thus, every art form is simply a culmination, a constantly outward-expanding realm that occasionally reaches new territory.
To say something like "It took over 100 years of humanity developing the art of filmmaking before we had the breakthrough 'found footage' that was the Blair Witch" is completely off base. Someone could have made something similar in 1941, but didn't. Why? Who knows. Creativity is strange like that. We may yet see another breakthrough genre in the next decade. It has less to do with the 'maturity of the medium' and more to do with just random chance.
We always try to look back on events and think we have a better explanation for them than we actually do (hence the black swan event).
This phrase gives me pause:
>The way to trust again is to shake yourself free of your irrational mind
OP, please know that your thoughts and feelings are far from irrational. They are, in fact, very reasonable and justified. It is important to know that your feelings are okay, and that despite these feelings - you are okay too.
I often recommend the book "Radical Acceptance" by Tara Brach to friends. It has been very useful in teaching me to be compassionate to myself, which has been my foundation for coping with past traumas.
I'm glad I suggested something new! I hope it helps.
Yes I mentioned the Buddhism part because in a group I was in I had a woman who was uncomfortable with it because she was Christian. At first I thought she was possibly being intolerant, simply not wanting to read something just because it was influenced by another belief system that was not actually religious or preaching, just used metaphor. But I did learn later that I was wrong and a lot of the book uses Buddhism so heavily it could conflict with her religious worldview. Again you can read it and it's not going to threaten your faith, but I could see why depending upon her level/style of faith or time she wanted to put in why she would find it difficult to extract what would be applicable in her worldview. EDIT: For the record the books and techniques are completely secular.
That said, it does speak to a wide audience and less specific to BPD than other DBT topics. If I could have one critique from what I have done so far and maybe I"m a cynical hardass but I get tired of the 'accepting yourself' emphasis. Skills of practicing radical acceptance in a moment of stress are more valuable to me, we'll see.
> I didn't really know about the critiques, but I remembered raising an eyebrow at the parts you mentioned and you put to words my reaction.
You have to dig far into the reviews because a lot of people who use the book are BPD patients who use it after DBT (many say it's better POST DBT) and as said before, because there wasn't really anything of it's type until recently. Many of my therapists believe that DBT isn't a self help program but I would agree... for people with BPD because they need the group therapy to relearn social skills and empathy. Otherwise, well there are successful CBT programs online too. There are a few online DBT programs, not covered by insurance of course.
NTA. He's fishing for validation and trying to manipulate you. He may not realize it's manipulation, but it is. Over the long term, behavior like this can really drag down a relationship, as the partner who is constantly having to give validation has to pour so much of their energy into this emotional labor. Your BF really needs to work on himself and find a way to feel OK about himself without constantly needing to hear it from you. If he can't afford therapy, there are a zillion self-help books out there that may be useful. One book I really like is Radical Acceptance - I struggle with low self-esteem, and found this book really helpful.
Modern Magick by Donald Michael Kraig
A bit of daily practice goes a long way. Keep a record of your activities. Make it fun !
I'm so glad you asked! There's actually a really affordable book called Modern Magick which I recommend to anyone starting out. In this book, Donald Michael Kraig gives clear and well-sourced information on the high magickal arts including a history of the tarot, a history of the Qabalah, magickal techniques, philosophy and much more. This book has been essential to my learning and understanding what magick really is. Within its pages you will also find many references to source material which you may find interesting as well! He encourages the reader to explore and form their own opinions based on scientific experimentation. The reader is also encouraged to take their time. I've had the book for a little over 2 years now and have only made it through the first 3 lessons..
I guess the main question for you would be, what are you interested in? There are so many books for so many veins of magick. You may be interested in black magick, spiritual growth, historical or philosophical curiosity, or perhaps you are interested to tip the scales ever so slightly in your favor. Whatever the case may be, there are many books with which you will find what you are looking for. I prefer the occult vein of magick myself.
I'd reccomend getting books or pdf's like Modern Magick 12 Lessons in high magick http://www.amazon.com/Modern-Magick-Twelve-Lessons-Magickal/dp/0738715786
Or Franz Bardon's Initiation into Hermetics http://www.amazon.com/Initiation-into-Hermetics-Franz-Bardon/dp/1885928122/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1449847399
Those are quite practical
Great quote
Grit
When I interview candidates, it's of the utmost importance. The best employees I've hired are never the most talented. Give me a coach-able employee with persistence and good things will happen. I actually have them rank persistence, talent and knowledge then tell me why they put them in that particular order. How they answer that question is usually the deciding factor between candidates.
A Guide to the Good Life describes number 2 and 3 pretty well (along with a lot more). Don't think I saw it mention the view from above strategy though.
it is worth noting that I am not the person who made the root comment you originally replied to.
Other than that, yea, sometimes, I try to leave emotion out of my decision making as much as I can, I also try to engage with those in my life, at least over things like this, with as much calm and rationality as I can summon.
If you are curious about why that is I invite you to read Bill Irvine's Guide to the Good Life on Stoicism as it was originally intended, and how it can help lead a more joyful life, if you so desire. It also serves as a fantastic practical primer for starting to institute Stoic practices and attitudes into your own life today.
Jumping otters often lift my mood.
The book When Things Fall Apart has also helped, quite a lot.
Generally I just keep on plugging through the bad times because I've found that they often don't last (relatively) long. Stuff that you're worrying about today often isn't going to be a blip on your screen at this time next year.
Good luck.
books can be very helpful. This is a great one on procrastination. I admit I do not utilize these techniques to there max but I do use a few of them. The Title is Eat that Frog and that philosophy works pretty well. If the first thing you do in the morning is eat a frog, the rest of your day can't be that bad. Do the hardest thing first, it gives you confidence that you can do it, and also makes everything else easier. That and habits, start good ones and KEEP THEM.
Mindfulness has helped me with a lot of problems. Part of mindfulness is observing and discerning feelings, in this case repulsion, and knowing is half the battle. (G.I. JOOOOOEEEEE)
To paraphrase this book:
If you find yourself repulsed by a wall of text, take a moment to observe the sensation. How do you know you're repulsed? Do you notice any particular thoughts or feelings? Can you challenge yourself to stick with it a little longer and study the discomfort further?
Do checkout the inspiration for the article you are not so smart. Great written articles in addition to the podcast. Do buy the book You are Not So Smart. Do be conscious of the time you spend reading it. After reading every day I nearly melted down from the lack of control it points to.
My political opposition isn't along a left/right axis but people who are dogmatic in their thinking. Left, right, middle; I don't care so long as you can recognize and temper your own biases. (I'm such a "neutron.")
Therefore, I like You Are Not So Smart by David McRaney. It's written (appropriately) for the general audience and is affably conversational in tone.
If they're hungry for more, the next book would be Thinking, Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman for the way it breaks down fast and slow systems of thinking.
Either book should be part of a Neutral Politics recommended reading.
Address the root cause, not the symptom. They have misunderstood science, the scientific method and sprinkled conspiracy theory on top. They probably harbor a distrust in science as a whole.
Luckily for you, the topic at hand is more accessible to laymen than physics; it's introductory philosophy of science, but you can avoid the academic jargon.
You have to establish trust in science first. Questions you need to raise and discuss are (in no particular order):
Obviously you need to learn these topics first. Use a book on philosophy of science or equivalent. In my country it happens to be a mandatory very short course for all engineers.
How you go about introducing these topics to them depends on their personality. You can discuss IRL, motivating them to take a course or, if they'll read it, give them an book such as the one above or something simpler. Regarding conspiracy there are plenty of fun books, especially on self-delusion, like How we know what isn't so or You are not so smart. The latter is also a podcast.
In general avoid using youtube as a source, but if they won't listen to anything else there's a ton of videos raising the topics above, see the veritasium channel for instance.
I also recommend You are not so smart
Does he know how much you struggle with those tasks? He could give you a hand sharing his way of dealing with them. Even on meds, I had a hard time dealing with some bureaucratic matters and I couldn't have done it without my wife, who did not have ADHD. All it took was her pointing me on the right direction.
In general, what I realized works best for me is writing down less than five daily to-dos on a piece of paper that you keep in front of you. Be humble and don't aim high at first, start with three things like cleaning one bathroom (even just buy the cleaning supplies) or replace a lightbulb. As you complete them, mark the to-dos as completed. Not just a tick, cross-out that motherfucker, you owned it!! You'll get addicted to the satisfaction of getting things done. I keep my lists on a notebook and, whenever I run low on confidence or self-esteem, I flip back and there they are, tasks after tasks crossed out, some of them several times. It's a great morale boost.
Taking charge of adult ADHD is full with little tricks to help dealing with house chores as well as being in a relationship. The book itself is written in a very ADHD-friendly manner, with short chapters and multiple summary boxes.
Learn how to use mindfulness techniques. I personally found a CBT (cognitive behavioral therapist) who specializes in anxiety and uses mindfulness, yoga, and meditation in her practice. It works so well.
introduction to mindfulness meditation if you are unfamiliar.
A book I enjoy
Reddit communities:
r/mindfulness and r/meditation
It may be worth it to check out Mindfulness. It's a westernized form of meditation that focuses on being a third party to your thoughts and realizing that your reactions to your thoughts are more destructive than the thoughts themselves. I've personally found it to be incredibly helpful in dealing with anxiety and stress in my own life and it's pretty straightforward too. The book I used is this one here - https://www.amazon.com/dp/1609618955/ however there are tons of different approaches to it.
It's a good system because it teaches how to deal with negative thought spiraling and gives many strategies for giving yourself breathing space to collect yourself and re-center on the present moment. A lot of stress and anxiety come from worrying which gets triggered by overthinking things. Mindfulness has helped me notice when I'm overthinking and stop it in its tracks to get back to the present moment and what I can actually do about a situation.
May not be for everyone, but it works for me :)
Similarly the book The Power of Habit is pretty good about learning how our brain created habits and how to break that.
Life is pain, your highness. Anyone who tells you differently is trying to sell you something.
I think the next step in that stoic realization is that everyone feels that way, that existential angst. I think that's part of the reason why we stay in shitty jobs, shitty religions, shitty relationships. So, be nice, be kind, create something good for people to believe in (like Frosted Corn Flakes, or Google, or the Scientific Revolution). No need to freeze in the face of the existential headlights, find your own story.
As a side note, I recently read A Guide to the Good Life, which discusses practical applications of Stoic philosophy. Turns out Stoics have gotten a bad rap since the Middle Ages. Stoicism is really the Western flavor of Zen Buddhism. I also heard that there was an Ancient South American version of it too, but for the life of me I can't find the article.
From this sub's recommended reading list: A Guide to the Good Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0040JHNQG/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_v6.SCbARK8ZNG
I deleted my Steam folder 3 weeks back. All 560GB of it. Been the most productive ever since, when compared to the last 3 years. Created a new 3D engine from scratch since the old one I was using was not scaling well in iPhone and started working on the game code
I read this book: Will Power Instinct that helped me realize a pattern.
Identifying and updating your habbits help enforce more self control and keep you focused. Currently reading this book: The Power of Habbit
The Daily Stoic: 366 Meditations on Wisdom, Perseverance, and the Art of Living: Featuring new translations of Seneca, Epictetus, and Marcus Aurelius
The Practicing Stoic: A Philosophical User's Manual
A Guide to the Good Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy
I've enjoyed these.
Train up as an Architect instead ? Would you be interested in doing that ? Can you put your current degree towards it ? Can you study and work at the same time ? Or do you want to do sommething completely different.
The porn and alcohol are displacement activities. You are unhappy and they momentarily dispel that unhappiness. Fix the unhappiness and you won't need them.
For myself, I would lreturn home, where you have more support. I would use this as an opportunity to break all those habits you don't like. Delete the porn (and your bookmarks). Delete Facebook. Stop worrying you're gay. I like watching lesbian wrestling and I'm not gay. Hit the gym. Or take up running. Or rock climbing.
And do some of the visualisation exercises - you know the old "If I won $50 million, what would I do with the rest of my life if I didn't ever need to work for money again ?". This will help point you in the direction that you want to go in. For me, the one which works best is "Who makes you sick with jealousy ?" Who's life would you steal in a heartbeat ? Find out more about them - how they got where they are; read their biography. Work out if you want to emulate them.
Lastly, some good old fashioned self motivational books don't hurt at all. I'm reading Brian Tracy Create Your Own Future at the moment, and also reading up on Stoicism - /r/Stoicism has an excellent FAQ and Stoicism is what CBT is based on. Its a useful and accessible philosophy for life and I highly recommend it. A Guide To The Good Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy is a good place to start.
I drifted from 25 to 35 in a job I Didn't really like, but which I was really good at. I drank a lot. Smoked a lot of pot. Used to cry on the way to work, even though I made good money and had a brilliant manager. Then I had children, and when I tried to go back to my old job, my health collapsed completely. Its taken a long time to rebuild it.
You know why ? I want to be an Artist. Batshit, hey ? But I have realised I can do this or I can be sick and miserable for the rest of my life. So for the last two years I have been going to classes and workshops, looking stuff up on youtube. All part time as I have special needs children... And slowly slowly I have built myself up to the point where I have my first exhibition in just under a month and received my first commission the day before yesterday.
You are 17 years younger than me. If you start now, by the time you're 30 you could easily be doing your dream job. Or be close to it. Unless you want to be some kind of medical specialist :) Don't wait unitl you hit 40 to realise that if you don't do it NOW its never going to happen. Its all a lot harder with a mortgage and kids.
I think you should read this book. My mind immediately went to the story of the new CEO of Alcoa, his great emphasis on safety, and the downstream effects of it.
First and foremost, if you are ever, EVER feeling suicidal, please reach out to somebody:
Sorry to hear you're having a rough time. I've been there. I'm there frequently. A lot of us are. A lot of people who seem to have amazing lives and tons of friends are feeling just as much pain and loneliness as you. You are not alone. Sometimes it can feel like no one cares. Yes, lots of people are selfish and/or busy with their own stuff, but people do care.
Know that your situation will change. Everything changes. Everything passes. You're feeling crappy right now, but hold on. Be strong. Be brave. Make some changes. If you do, you might blink and it be six months from now and you're having an amazing time in your acting classes, hanging out with a few people you really love spending time with, have forgotten all about your ex, etc. Everything passes. Bad times pass, so try to just ride the wave, roll with the punches, and know things will get better. But also good times pass. So when you're doing something you enjoy, or spending time with someone you care about, try really hard to be present and appreciate every moment, every detail. That's the beauty of life. It's transient. Nothing is permanent. Our species is not permanent. Our world is not permanent. It's a ride. It's a game. It's whatever metaphor you choose, but the point is things go up and down and round and round and in the end nothing really matters other than the fact that we have the gift of the present moment and the ability to try and enjoy little things here and there.
I know you mentioned having seen a therapist and it did nothing. Hopefully that was just that one therapist. Sometimes it takes trying a couple months with a couple different therapists before you find someone who you really like. You just have to be open, honest, and trust that they are there to listen to you and there to help you. And give them time. There are very few quick fixes in life.
There are things you can do for yourself, too. Things that will have a huge impact on your happiness, contentment, confidence, loneliness, motivation, etc. Most of the below is scientifically proven to help a lot. You don't have to do all of this at once, and you don't have to be an expert at all of this all at once. The important thing is to try. Bit by bit. Each day try one new thing on this list, and try to make a habit of it. Do it at that time, every day. Start small, with easier things, like doing stuff for 5 minutes, then next week up it to 10 minutes, and so on:
All of the above should be the priority here. Your health is #1. If you look after yourself emotionally and physically, you'll be way better set up to deal with all the BS in life and enjoy yourself and form and maintain good relationships with people, and to be motivated and energized about working on acting (or anything else).
Acting is amazing. But it's very fucking hard. For most actors, it's a tough lifestyle. To pursue it, you have to be cool to roll with the fact that most of the time it's hard work. It is a job. You have to work at it. Actors get rejected all the time. It's part of the job. You have to work hard to be in a good spot emotionally and physically in order to help deal with that. So, like I said, for now, it may be worth putting a lot of energy into that stuff.
I hope some of this is helpful. Sending you love and good vibes from the other side of the world. xxxx
If you're interested you should check out the book "The Power of Habit": https://www.amazon.com/Power-Habit-What-Life-Business-ebook/dp/B0055PGUYU
In it he talks about how the best way to overcome bad habits is to replace them with other habits (ideally good ones, or less bad ones). Something about how the brain can't just be cut off from a habit altogether but it's more healthy for our brains to adjust to have or do something else in place of that habit, and then eventually you can phase any such habit off. It sounds like you are naturally doing this and it's working out well for you so far. Whatever it takes!
I'll be honest, those first few weeks after the accident I drank A LOT. I still hit it harder than I should, sometimes.
But things are still the same when you wake up. Eventually you have to choose to feel the pain and come to terms with what has happened, and that's not possible when you put it off with drinking.
Not saying you have to stop immediately. I didn't. Just that drinking won't make that hurdle any smaller, or avoidable.
Ultimately we can't do anything about our circumstances. All we can do now is try to figure out a path forward from here.
/r/stoicism and this book have been good resources for helping me with processing the loss.
bagus sih, tapi menurut gw mending baca "The Conquest of Happiness" tulisan Bertrand Russell, karena formulanya mirip The subtle art tapi lebih analitis dan filosofis. Menurut gw ini masih the OG of "self help book". Ditulis tahun 30an tapi masih sangat2 applicable buat jaman sekarang. Apalagi yang nulis salah satu filsuf & mathematician paling brilian di abad 20.
Ato bisa juga baca buku tentang Stoicicm kaya ini ato ini
I really liked is one:
https://www.amazon.com/Guide-Good-Life-Ancient-Stoic-ebook/dp/B0040JHNQG/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1511377367&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=a+guide+to+the+good+life+the+ancient+art+of+stoic
Perhaps reading this can help you more than an app.
I have read it once personally and reading it again second time a few months after. It's been pretty useful to help me understand many aspects of myself that I thought were beyond or within my control when it's in fact the opposite.
I honestly believe you can not have a discussion about mindfulness without referencing Thich Nhat Hanh. He is truly a master at this stuff, and I've learned so much from his books and recordings of his talks on youtube.
I recommend starting with Peace is Every Step and the Plum Village youtube channel
Shambhala Sun is a Buddhist magazine and they frequently have letters from prisoners saying how much there articles have helped them deal with and see there incarceration in a new light.
I found it was easier to digest then an entire book when I was first exposed to Buddhist teachings.
Also they give "mercy subscriptions" to people in jail that cant pay.
http://www.shambhalasun.com/
But yeah, Thich Nhat Hanh is good stuff.
This book: http://www.amazon.com/Peace-Every-Step-Mindfulness-Everyday/dp/0553351397/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;s=books&amp;qid=1239318446&amp;sr=8-1
helped me learn to be mindful and consequently thankful for the things I do have. In jail I could imagine that would help if you could make a meal a great joy. </hippy>
I got to a point in life where I was pretty chunky and, in my opinion, unattractive. I'd been made fun of for my weight all of my life, and it got to a point where I just assumed no one would find me attractive. Even when I did have a relationship where I was told I was wanted and sexy, I never truly believed it; it was just a thing they were saying to make me feel good, because the boost in my confidence was sexy to them.
I lost 60 pounds and I look pretty good now, but I still haven't "accepted' myself, and still don't love myself. If I gain a couple of pounds, or I see a little scrap of fat appearing, the same feelings that I'd have at my heaviest pop up. My anxiety isn't centered around my body as much as it's centered around my perceived lack of personality, or my loneliness.
This is what people are talking about when they say "Love yourself". Accepting you for who you are, for all your flaws, is the key to being truly happy, lonely or not. This isn't an excuse to not attempt to improve yourself-- Losing weight has tremendously improved my life.
A path that I've been taking to quell my self-critical, anxiety-ridden mind is meditation. An excellent book that I think would help you in your situation is Radical Acceptance.
You've realized that you're coping with sadness with food, I was at the same place not long ago. At this point, changes in your environment, be it a hot boyfriend or a hot body for yourself, probably won't change much for you unless you also confront the underlying cause of your sadness, and sometimes that source isn't as obvious as it may seem.
The teaching I always received when dealing with strong emotions that arise is to lean into it. These emotions are part of us and we are encouraged to accept them as they are, including the anger, the despair, the fear, and the vulnerability. Getting in touch with our inner feeling is a phase a lot of practitioners go through, though what arise is usually different for each of us. I would like to encourage you to sit with these feelings. Allow yourself to feel them all, to surrender to them, to die in these feelings - as one teacher put it. If these emotions are too overwhelming though, it might be a good idea to meditate with a trusted friend or a partner, a counselor, or a spiritual teacher. If you can, I would also recommend checking out "Radical Acceptance" by Tara Brach and any book/teaching from Pema Chodron about getting to know fear. They talk about what you are experiencing. I wish you the best with your practice. May you find peace and light at the end of the tunnel.
INTP/ENTP "spiritual person" here. Your routine and motivation is not the root issue. The self-hate is the root issue. The way you view yourself and how you relate to yourself (and by extension, the world) is very very dysfunctional, and I guarantee it's fucking up your life in more ways than one.
The negative self-talk is not reality, not objective, and not who you really are. The voice in your head is not only wrong and destructive, it's not even you.
You have a disconnect between different parts of yourself. You hate being "grounded" because when you're in that state, your ego isn't in charge, and you're forced to look at everything inside you you've been fighting. Learn to sit with that pain and not fight it... just let it happen, and watch it swell and then recede. This is, in essence, mindfulness meditation.
Try reading some of these, based on what stands out to you. They are all helpful.
Tl;dr: Learn to be kind to yourself, love yourself, and accept yourself just as you are right now, flaws and all.
Nice post. Some secular takes on the same grace idea you're describing:
This book helped me.
Here is the mobile version of your link
I suffered from this very affliction my whole life. It sounds like your issue, like mine, isn't about skills but mindset.
Two tools that have really helped me in recent months:
Good luck!
Modern Magick by Donald Michael Kraig has got sections on this - explaining the spheres and also giving practical techniques for using them.
From what I've heard the book is one of those "omg I can't believe I read that X years ago" type books that people cringe about, lol. So maybe don't take it all at face value and be prepared to use it as a starting point.
i can't help you with making rituals as i'm pretty new to the practical side myself. i haven't read these, but they've been highly recommended by multiple people:
[modern magick by daniel michael kraig](http://smile.amazon.com/dp/0738715786
)
advanced magick for beginners by alan chapman
> How do I undo the conditioning that causes me to irrationally fear/reject/recoil at any mention of the Devil, Serpent/Snake, Baphomet, and other spiritual concepts that would go against my Pentecostal upbringing?
practice, both in the sense of trying repeatedly and developing a practice. the more educated you become about the significance of these symbols, the less the perverted pentacostal interpretation will appeal to your instincts or even stand out.
knee-jerk reactions from ingrained beliefs are a function of the lower emotional and animal body. you (your reason) are riding a horse that gets spooked whenever it sees a snake or a goat, and whenever it gets spooked, you get spooked and attribute significance to the horse getting spooked. someone with mastery over their horse would calmly allow the horse to be spooked and simply rein it in.
Modern Magick - Donald Michael Kraig.
This is without a doubt the best instructional book in Ceremonial Magick I could recommend. I have personally given dozens of copies of this book away to friends over the years.
If there is any magick 101 book, it's Modern Magick by Donald Michal Craig. I've been practicing for years and this is one of the best books I've seen. It's pretty all encompassing without missing important details. It's mostly hermetic principles, but covers a wide range of practices. If I were to get an apprentice this would be the book I taught them by.
https://www.amazon.com/Modern-Magick-Twelve-Lessons-Magickal/dp/0738715786
It sounds like you are wanting some usable ritual work. Some books that do a good job of easing you into ceremonial magic are:
And to lesser extents
Any therapist. I don't think a specialist is needed. Compile a list of therapists who accept his insurance and who appeal to him based on age and gender, assuming that matters to him. Don't be afraid to try a new therapist if the first one doesn't work out. He's got to build chemistry. But also don't just give up after a session or two because there are no immediate results. It takes time and commitment to get anything out of therapy.
You could also get him Healing the Shame that Binds You. It's highly regarded. Really digs into the root cause of shame, how it builds up, how it controls our lives. It can help him understand why he feels the way he does and how to overcome it.
If he has issues with reading get him the audiobook version. Audible has it.
Man, you really did a great job seeing clarity in this and encapsulating something incredibly similar to my experience in the early years and even today.
Like you, exactly in fact, I waited TWO years without a relationship. Prior to meeting my wife and taking that two year break I was always in multi-year relationships with very codependent women (I realize now, looking back on the cutting, INSANE neediness, suicide threats, etc etc.. that they were likely were pwBPD or heavily traited.. seemingly more than my wife in some ways or spectrums). I waited two years, focused on myself. Grew out of debt, made a good career, got in really good shape, felt GOOD about myself and no longer lonely while single. I finally thought I was ready for a healthy relationship- but I was wrong. I picked someone and married them after 3 years, it wasn't until the first day of marriage that the red flags lined up or got so extreme in the more binding/intimate relationship that I could see I picked another woman not unlike my exes.
I found myself desiring quoting many parts of your well written account to respond to.. I won't do a line by line, but understand that I and many of us can deeply relate. This stuck out to me though as something I must:
>I yelled at myself in the car, "fucking break up with her dude you need to do it right now". But my reality, my identity, my hopes, and my dreams somehow became intertwined and bonded from this woman.
The part in bold is where it's at man. Insightful of you to see it when you did. I think that is where the hooks to guilt and longing remain. I'd like to ask you, when you were with her, did she do things or say things that if you were watching it play out as a third party, you would be shocked the man did not explode, get angry, walk away from the relationship? Those were clues to me in myself that I had myself slipped into codependency. In truth, to 'make my marriage work' my wife demanded codependency of me, she would rage and abuse to heightened extremes otherwise, while divorce threatening. She didn't 'make me' though, I chose it. What I saw looking closer and it took me much longer than you, was that my identity had become intertwined with a woman that wasn't real. Or at least who doesn't always live in the same reality as me. You recognize your guilt. For myself I would say it was even tied to what I quoted of you, that my identity itself hid or defended core shame. That was what tied me there, the lynchpin I pulled myself into codependency at her beckoning. That core shame was exactly the reason, when if watching as an invisible and objective third party, I would see a man who had his emotions bound- who didn't get angry when he should or walk away when he needed to.
You aren't broken. You aren't lost. You aren't bad. You aren't weak. But you are human. It's okay to be hurt, it's okay to have and feel feelings, it's healthy to get angry or sad when you should be, be offended by something done entirely to offend and hurt you..
I seriously suggest that you find a good therapist. You also aren't crazy, but they are helpful, I go to one myself. Our goal is to get to a place of balance. To come to accept ourselves exactly as we are today (that takes genuinity and vulnerability) to break down any denial that may be hidden from you as to your identity or any remnants of shame. If you base your opinion and view and identity on 'what you do' then people like her will be able to (or rather you will go along with people like her to) get dragged into these unhealthy relationships, not quick to leave when maybe you should, and perhaps likely to accept what is to you unacceptable behavior. Rather than basing your self-worth on 'what you do' I suggest honestly accepting, knowing, valuing, and loving 'who you are'. That is the thing that really helped me to heal and unbind my emotions. To not need to be 'more than' human, because I could never be anyone's savior or fixer or martyr. There was no reason for me to keep breaking my back to bend over a little farther for their neediness and emotional soothing and it was only ever, at best, counterproductive.
I highly suggest the book 'Healing the Shame that Binds You,' it was incredibly helpful to me on the topic you posted about.
I'm sorry if this comment reads kind of weird, it's a hard thing to talk about 'shame/guilt' and a different way of accepting yourself, but I truly feel like those were the gravity holding me onto my cognitive dissonance in codependency, trying to save a person from themselves, and wait for 'the woman I loved' to come back- when she never existed as I knew her if I had truly accepted her and myself as we really were at all times.
I just realized this last weekend, last Friday to be exact, that I was in an emotional incest relationship with my mum growing up. Mum turned to me for emotional support when dad emotionally withdrew, most because of health reasons that he covered up for years.
How did it effect me? Profoundly!!
I learnt to put others needs before my own. I repressed any needs I did have until they went away. It's left me living life feeling I'm missing something but didn't know what.
I put so much effort into being mum therapist. I didn't learn how to emotionally care for myself. As long as everyone else was happy that's all the mattered.
Being so close to my mum as a teenager I started feeling sexually attracted to her. Because that's such a huge taboo. I repressed any sexual needs or desires I had. That's had a huge impact, I'm still a virgin and almost 40.
I learnt that relationships were about keeping the other person happy and my happiness didn't matter so I became fearful of getting close to people and afraid of intimacy. So I've never had a SO.
Living so disconnected with myself has lead to huge self-confidence, self-worth and self-esteem issues, which lead to depression, anxiety problems and massive loneliness issues. I retreated from the world so I didn't have to see others happy together.
Life makes sense now, but damn what a mess. :( I feel it's going to be a long road to recovery.
I very highly recommend this book on shame it was very eye opening about how shame and childhood adversity affects people throughout their lives.
Wishing you all the best, it's tough to work through but you will get there.
>I agree with you here. So does this mean you disagree with TRP's stance on this topic?
I've never been one for towing the party line.
> Interesting. I still don't really get it honestly. women are emotionally trained to place responsibility for their feelings onto their partners? What does this mean, and what leads you to believe that?
There are 2 parts to this. One is well explained by Women's Infidelity by Michelle Langley, and is also it's a common criticism feminism makes of popular culture. Society conditions women that marriage or a relationship with a man will make them happy. That they need to find the right guy who will complete them (the implication that without a man they are incomplete). This is bullshit of course, no one can make anyone else happy. You have to learn to be happy yourself.
The second part is that while society conditions men to be stoic (avoid and suppress their feelings) girls are taught to over identify with them. Women who aren't emotionally whole often surrender to their feelings, rather than simply accept them, while understanding the distinction between their being and what they feeling in any given moment.
TRP accurately observes that women end marriages (and probably relationships) more than men, but concludes falsely that this is because women cannot love the way men can. In reality, it's the combination of what I described above. Women enter into relationships thinking that will magically make them happy and they will feel whole and complete and loved. When this doesn't happen because it was never realistic to begin with, they begin to feel sad, anxious, and often angry. While a man would probably bury these emotions until he explodes (or becomes depressed) women both act on them and blame their partners due to how they have been emotionally conditioned.
>There is an huge amount of psychological evidence to support this assertion, and anyone who has spent any time working on emotional healing and therapy will quickly see that I am correct.
Here are some links, but these are books not easily digestible articles. The important thing to understand is that core emotional problems are the same amongst all people. It's the external expression of that pain that is often gendered. Reading about the difference between NPD and BPD will shed some let on this.
Women's Infidelity
Facing Co-Dependence
The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion
Healing the Shame that Binds You
Healing Your Aloneness
Neurosis and Human Growth: The Struggle Towards Self-Realization
>I don't really see what this has to do with gender. Both partners need to feel that expression of love. Dread Game actually seems to be based around purposely withdrawing love and affection, which seems irreconcilable with the idea of unconditional love.
What tends to be gendered is the preferred expression of love (love language). Different people need and express love differently, and sometimes couples don't have compatible styles of showing affection. In cases where one partner will not work on the issue, that partner is withdrawing their love. I agree that dread game is not compatible with unconditional love, and I don' think I ever said it was compatible.
It's so absurd and if you aren't in therapy people just say you're not trying hard enough or don't really want to get better, like being a victim, etc. Fuck 'em. They have no idea what's going on or what it's like.
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I love therapy books now, haha. I hated the idea of self help but these aren't selling anything, they're fairly clinical approaches and written by actual health professionals, not gurus or 'personalities.'
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Toxic Parents by Dr. Susan Forward
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Healing the Shame That Binds You by John Bradshaw
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Healing the Incest Wound by Christine B. Courtois This one is pretty good but the language focuses heavily on father/daughter incest which is limiting, unfortunately.
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The Tao of Fully Feeling by Pete Walker Don't let the full title mislead you, it's absolutely not about forgiving your parents, it's about learning to accept the shitty feelings that linger even after treatment.
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Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker A life changing book, really. I'm particularly fond of Pete Walker because he is a therapist AND an abuse survivor himself so he's not just talking from the ivory tower, he's been through it and the compassion and empathy he has for other survivors is evident in his writing.
Great post.
This is called toxic shame. It's like a deeper level of shame.
Normal shame: I did something bad.
Toxic shame: I am something bad.
This is the book on it:
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Healing-Shame-Binds-Recovery-Classics/dp/0757303234
Would long reddit threads help? If so, these three seem valuable:
And here are some books:
>I don't see white person written over it
Funnily enough, this mindset is born out of drumroll
>fragile
Something called white fragility! I recommend reading this book:
White Fragility: Why It's So Hard for White People to Talk About Racism https://www.amazon.com/dp/0807047414/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_Sn5lDbJC4T56B
That should have all the answers you need.
i would and have, I grew up in an extremely racist environment...Alabama
And yes, I am white.
Sharpen your arguments with this:
Well, if there's anything I've got in my toolbox, it's bluntness! HA!
When I mention the bitterness, I'm talking exactly about the self-determination mindset that you talk about a couple paragraphs later; that you believe in humanity's right to free choice without external interference. I would find that most people do, including the SJW's you mention. People just define 'external interference' differently.
So, if you view self-determination as a foundational core to your ability to be free, than any social construct (views on race or gender) runs counter to that and you may view 'compliance' as a direct violation of your liberty. However, if you are one of the people who is seeing external interference as a direct RESULT of systemic racism, you see self-determination in a very different way. (Not to go too far down that rabbit-hole, but individual autonomy is reliant upon social views and/or actions regarding your right to that autonomy- which has historically been denied to people of color aka. systemic racism).
You, then, may become bitter at the constant onslaught of 'SJW' forcing conversations and wonder why others don't do what you did, and 'hard-work' their way out of it, without recognizing that there are roadblocks that exist for others that you did not encounter by virtue of your race. Just because you may not see those roadblocks, or agree, doesn't mean they aren't there. This also doesn't mean people affected by racism are victims but again, diminishing a very real experience to victimhood status so that it can be dismissed is self-serving at best.
To follow that, defaulting to the 'empirical evidence' standard, to me, is an easy out. It seems to be an 'I can't smell the sunflowers, and no one can prove what they smell like, and I don't see them anywhere, so they don't exist'. In the meantime, your back is to the field of flowers and despite people trying to give you directions, you do not turn around.
To me, it's just not that easy or simple. Which is why, I urge you, if you are feeling defensive about some of what you heard, don't dismiss it out of hand. Figure out if there was some truth there that will be useful for you. If you feel dehumanized by the conversations you've been having, imagine how dehumanized the people who have experienced some of these struggles may feel, knowing that you categorically deny their reality as propaganda. (I'm referencing your comments on systemic racism).
To your point, it's hard to recognize someone else's humanity if you feel it's THEIR boot on your neck. For you, it's the SJW's, for everyone else- it's you (and not because you're white, but because you refuse to take your blinders off). The difference is, your boot causes actual harm, while an SJW's boot causes you inconvenience, anger, feeling of being unduly criticized, and potentially outward capitulation and/or withdrawal instead of an eyes-wide-open confrontation of the realities of racism.
I may not have said all of this in the right way, but hopefully the intention came across. With that, I'm exhausted!
Edited to add: This is a good read that you may be interested in. Ironically, it is actually called White Fragility. There's a review in The New Yorker on it here.
> “The most effective adaptation of racism over time,” DiAngelo claims, “is the idea that racism is conscious bias held by mean people.” This “good/bad binary,” positing a world of evil racists and compassionate non-racists, is itself a racist construct, eliding systemic injustice and imbuing racism with such shattering moral meaning that white people, especially progressives, cannot bear to face their collusion in it
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> As an ethical thinker, DiAngelo belongs to the utilitarian school, which places less importance on attitudes than on the ways in which attitudes cause harm
In case you need, there's a whole book she wrote, telling how it's bad that you're white.
Ekman is awesome, as is Gardner. Milgram's Obedience To Authority is pretty good, in my opinion, for someone interested in human emotion and motivation. As is Zimbardo's The Lucifer Effect. Those kind of look into the darker aspects of motivation and conformity.
One of the more positive books I've read is Thoughts Without a Thinker by Mark Epstein. It looks at psychotherapy and general human behavior through the eyes of Buddhism. Oh, Eckman also co-wrote a book with the Dalai Lama on human emotion that you might find interesting.
I wish I had more time to read these days (and more money to spend on books!). Those are the only recommendations I can really give for your interests. Good luck to you!
Maybe The Lucifer Effect, though it might be the opposite of what you are looking for (how good people turn bad as opposed to how bad people turn good).
Well, I would have to say I disagree ...
Buckland's book is huge and essentially reads like an encyclopedia. You might not subscribe to a subset of the material, but it's great to get ideas.
I can attest that Wicca: A Guide for the Solitary Practitioner by Scott Cunningham is a good read. That might have been the one you read. Also, Wicca for Beginners is pretty good if you're still looking for intro material.
I've also found Full Contact Magick to be useful, though there isn't really anything about altars in there.
If you are interested in paganism, I recommend Wicca for the Solitary Practitioner. Goes into the reasons and rituals of it, without going crazy. (Some Wicca/Pagan books? Absolutely cuckoo!)
If you just like saying prayers, Celtic Devotional is also good.
Source: atheist who likes looking at the world in a pagan way.
I recently fell into the Occult world as well. A was given a deck of tarot cards. It was the Rider-Waite deck. I started reading about it and a spark lit. Now I am consuming everything I can get my hands on.
I like MindandMagick as well. Also, I found this video on the Hermetic Principles very helpful and well explained.
As for reading, I have started reading the Liber Null by Peter Carroll and Condensed Chaos by Phil Hine. Recommend both if you're interested in Chaos Magick.
Some of the seminal works on Wicca are Wicca: A Guide for the Solitary Practitioner. by Scott Cunningham and Buckland's Complete Book of Witchcraft by Raymond Buckland.
Good luck on your journey. Personally, I am starting small by working on my meditation, mindfulness and single-pointed thought. Also, studying the tarot a few cards at a time.
First: Not every wiccan is a witch (though most are) and not every witch is wiccan.
Next: For more detailed and objective explanations, see the resources in the sidebar.
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Now, to answer your questions. Wicca belief on the afterlife varies based on the tradition. To my knowledge, most believe in reincarnation of some kind.
For this, I'll define rituals as the entire process of magic work, and spells as simply the words spoken during the ritual. Think of rituals as a more involved form of prayer. In prayer, you ask a higher power for help with your problems. In magic, you perform a ritual in which you do the same thing. Rituals, however, often involve herbs, crystals, physical motions, invocations, etc. Same concept, just more involved.
Magic is not required to be wiccan, but is a large part of the beliefs and practices.
Human sacrifice is not involved in Wicca. Wiccans follow a Rede (think The Golden Rule). It says "An' ye harm none' do as ye will." That means you can do whatever you want as long as you harm no one in the process (including yourself). Believe it or not, this is actually quite difficult to do and takes a lot of mental discipline.
For reading materials, I will assume (based on your upbringing) that you are starting off solitary. Wiccans often join covens. they are like a church group, but generally smaller (less than 10 members) but fuction in much the same fashion. I recommend this book by Scott Cunningham. While Mr. Cunningham can be a but of a controversial topic here, this book will give you a brief overview of the views of Wicca. If you like what you see and want to continue, we can provide numerous other readings.
If you are interested in Wicca because of the magic aspect, may I suggest you also look into other forms of witchcraft. Some a theistic (wicca is generally duotheistic), and some are secular. It is all about finding what calls to you, and we are more than happy to help.
I came from a similar background like you did. I had the whole falling out thing happen to me. And like you I existed, just living life. And then I found Wicca, and it really called to me. I feel more connected then ever before. I never felt anything when I went o church (Roman Catholic and later Methodist Church).
To put it simply, religion (no matter what kind) will always be viewed differently by everyone. Just like free thought people have their own opinions. And you're right when you said that there seems to be no set rule book. And that's true, there are basic guidelines but you are free to follow what works for you and change things to better suit your needs.
I do ritual work by myself to help cleanse myself and my surroundings. I use it to help ground me to the earth and nature to make me feel whole again. We tend to lose sight of what Mother Earth provides for us and not thank her enough. Now this is strictly my belief. Others do things for different reasons and use different methods.
I am curious what books you have picked up on the matter. And from what I understand you are doing just some R&D on Wicca. I would highly recommend Wicca: A Guide for the Solitary Practitioner, he did an amazing job with that book. In my opinion it is a great book to start with!
If you have any questions please feel free to PM me and I will get back to you accordingly.
Blessed Be )0(
I would suggest going to "The Witches Voice". This is where I went when I first started learning about the Craft about 9 years ago. On the main page, there are new articles published every Sunday, with a lot of wonderful resources all over the site. Their facebook page is also fun and informative to follow!
Wicca: A Guide for the Solitary Practitioner is a wonderful and inexpensive resource to consider! Scott Cunningham is so experienced and informative, and he has authored a whole library of great books. I am also quite fond of The Complete Idiot's Guide to Wicca and Witchcraft, though I do not fully agree with everything it teaches. And that's okay! Remember that a resource is just another tool. Read all that you can, but don't follow things just because you are told that you have to. Wicca is a very personal faith, though some may claim that there is more dogma. Maybe dogma is right for them, but it could be different for you. Or maybe it isn't. Either is just fine. And like the others have been supporting, tools are just there to focus your energies and to encourage ritual consciousness. You are the most magickal tool of all. And I understand not having the funds. The library and google are both the best suggestions anyone could give! I can't tell you how many hours I spent hiding in a corner of the library, reading anything I could get my hands on regarding the subject!
Anyway, I hope this helps! If you have any other questions, just post here and I'm sure that one of us will be right there to try and help you out as soon as we can! I've never posted on here before, but I've been following the subreddit for a while! I would love to welcome you fully, but I feel that as this is my first post, it may sound oddly pretentious to do such. Let's just feel welcomed together! Blessed be, Merry Beltane, and happy seeking!
Wicca for Beginners: Fundamentals of Philosophy & Practice https://www.amazon.com/dp/0738707511/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_GDiRCbZM2GR98
And of course Wicca: A Guide for the Solitary Practitioner https://www.amazon.com/dp/0875421180/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_JEiRCbRB1D0XX
This site has a home page for each state and lists events and resources available Witchvox.com.
This is a great book for learning the basics. http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0875421180?pc_redir=1396628049&amp;robot_redir=1
I've also found this site to be informative http://paganwiccan.about.com/od/faq/f/GetStarted.htm
Good luck on your path. Blessed be.
This is what I started with. It gave me a nice base to develop from.
Wicca: A Guide for the Solitary Practitioner : https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0875421180/ref=as_li_qf_sp_asin_il_tl_nodl?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=wiccaliving08-20&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=9325&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;creativeASIN=0875421180&amp;linkId=86753d633c25959ecf4da6d42d6aa919
If your just looking for basic descriptions of the philosophies and rituals, a few good google searches would be suggested as well before you spend money on books.
Best of luck and feel free to reach out to me if you have any questions.
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Thanks for your post.
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I too experienced some less than ideal side-effects from meditation (many actually, over the years), some of which have a similar feel to what you're describing. When I took the 10-day Goenka/Vipassana course, I was told that if adverse effects started, I should stop meditating. So I think it's great that you stopped meditating. That's a great first step.
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It's impressive to me that you haven't reverted back to your original state (as in, it makes an impression on me; not that I think it's good). You must have had some very powerful meditations (and I see that you referenced that in some of your reply posts). So the good news is that you have some mana, or concentration power, that when used wisely will be a strong tool for you.
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Also, this does not sound like the dark night of the soul, in which circumstance you would be advised to simply keep going. The dark night of the soul, as its classically understood, is much more understood to the subject. That is, the person experiencing the dark night is aware of the fact that life has lost meaning for them, and understands their negative emotional state to be a result of this.
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What you're pointing to, anhedonia, aphantasia, poor long-term memory, stillness in your mind, dullness, etc. These are different symptoms, and they require a different approach.
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I don't know what will work for you. But I can tell you some of the things that have worked for me and that have been advised to me. I can also give you my perspective on what's most likely going on. I'm (36M) a life-long off-and-on meditator, with lots of different experiences from the very intense to the very mundane.
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What's Going On?
It appears that you've effectively suppressed various levels of mental and emotional activity. In your intensive samatha and vipassana sits, you've effectively QUIETED your mind, allowing you to hit very deep levels of absorption. You mentioned that you feel like you may have been into one of the Jhanas, or stages of absorption. That's neat. It shows great mental strength and power and capability.
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What Is The Solution?
I believe you need to unwind it, to start *inviting* chatter back into your mind. It seems like you've already tried to do this, through simply not meditating. I'll list some other ways that have been recommended to me, what's worked for me, and finally, what my gut instinct tells me might work best for you in this situation.
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At the basic level, you are looking for a major state shift, one which will allow that "spark" of energy back into your mind, and which will remove the dullness.
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"Standard" Recommendations From Meditation Teachers:
Eat meat
Take cold showers
Exercise vigourusly
Masturbate to the point of orgasm
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Things That Have Worked For Me:
Got married to someone who didn't believe in personal growth and eschewed all things spiritual for 10 years, focusing on career and fun, on "samsaric pleasures", on thrill sports, etc. Eventually, my thirst for meaning returned however...
Some Qigong, especially the still poses held for a long time can help to shift an undesirable state.
Some breath-work, including breath-of-fire, 4-7-8 breathing, etc
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"Morning Pages" journaling, to kick start the creativity (this may be all you need to start getting creativity back...)
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Ketamine treatment. Just started this recently, and Wow! It's like a physical re-set for your mental and emotional pathways.
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Internal Family Systems therapy work. This book is a great starting place for one of the most powerful therapy systems out there, which you can do with a practitioner, a skilled friend, or even with yourself.
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Somatic Experiencing therapy work, which is best done with a skilled practitioiner.
I reccomend learning Internal family systems therapy and bioenergetic trauma release beofore rolling and you can probably do it alone even
https://www.amazon.com/Self-Therapy-Step-Step-Cutting-Edge-Psychotherapy/dp/0984392777
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W7f92fscxUQ
I would strongly recommend looking up the book Musicophilia: Tales of Music and the Brain by the late and inimitable Dr. Oliver Sacks. Also the book This Is Your Brain on Music: The Science of a Human Obsession by Prof. Daniel J. Levitin
People who have perfect pitch report that pitches are perceived similar to how colors are perceived. They just know it instantly. If you play a note, they know what note it is (although if they don't have any musical education then they wouldn't know it's named an F# or whatever). It's like if I showed you a piece of paper that was red. You would just know it was red, instantly. Even if you didn't know the color was named 'red', it would still look red to you. If I showed you a yellow piece of paper you would then know that that was a yellow paper, and that it is distinctly different from the red paper. People with perfect pitch see people struggling to name or guess what a note is the same as you or I would see someone who, when showed a red paper, couldn't guess that it was red, or tell that it is different than a yellow paper. It seems completely natural for us to just instantly perceive colors, and we could scarcely imagine a world where we couldn't tell them apart. That's how natural perfect pitch is for those who have it.
Oliver Sacks, neurologist and author, discusses in length this subject in his book Musicophilia. Another term for what people call "perfect pitch" is also known as "absolute pitch". People with absolute pitch seem to have connections in their brain that normal folks don't have. It could be that
theirthere is genetic predisposition to developing absolute pitch. But if you think of what actually happens in the early years of human brain development there's another theory that makes more sense. When we are born, each of us has far more brain connections than we need. Part of development is a serious pruning of these connections. In fact, it's necessary for our survival to obtain a working useable brain. The method of early neuronal pruning seems to be a 'use it or lose it' sort of phenomenon. Where, as babies react to their environment and learn, they're brain figures out how to best adapt it's resources to getting what it wants. So in this sense, most or even all humans are born with the capacity for absolute pitch. The reason we don't all possess absolute pitch is because our brains decide we don't need the neuronal connections vital to the skill. It seems this lost connection is part of that pruning effect that is basically irreversible. One piece of compelling evidence for this is in the rates of absolute pitch in those who are raised learning a tonal language, such as Chinese. Starting music education at a very young age also affects absolute pitch rates. And how much the rates drop off as exposure to music education and tonal-language exposure starts at later ages.I'll give you some books to use as a starting point. You want to start out as generally as possible and then follow what interests you. Someone can give you a list of top books, but if they don't fascinate you enough to really dig in deep and reflect on them to sate your own curiosity, you'll just be scratching the surface. I don't care what it is, you can make money anywhere in the markets. So starting generally will help you find out what direction to go.
So, that said, these are the ones I'd recommend starting out with
https://www.amazon.com/Market-Wizards-Updated-Interviews-Traders/dp/1118273052
https://www.amazon.com/Reminiscences-Stock-Operator-Edwin-Lef%C3%A8vre/dp/0471770884
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1400063515/
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0684840073/
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0809045990/
Some less conventional ones I really liked
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1578645018/
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1422121038/
Chaos theory describes some properties that pop up again and again in markets. I really liked this one.
https://www.amazon.com/Deep-Simplicity-Bringing-Order-Complexity/dp/140006256X
I also highly recommend finding a few good books on behavioral investing, just to get acquainted with the common mistakes investors make (how you can avoid them, and how you can exploit them). I don't have a lot here because the books I read are outdated and you can find better. So one example:
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0470067373/
But in general reading about psychology will help you understand the world better, and that's always a good thing.
https://www.amazon.com/Flow-Psychology-Experience-Perennial-Classics/dp/0061339202
I had the same thought when reading the title. That book and The Black Swan are two of the most thought-provoking books I've read in recent years, not to mention containing ideas the apply to everyday life.
Economics:
Sciences:
I know this doesn't directly address your questions, but I think that this information might be more useful, since you're thinking about your "parenting" skill.
First of all, I don't think you should be on a subreddit where people share stories about parents for actual parenting advice. Parenting styles, and their effects, is an active field of research and there are some evidence-based resources. In particular, I would recommend the Marshmallow Test: Mastering Self Control. If you don't want to read the whole thing, skip to the last chapter for steps to implement these practices. A great counterpoint to Amy Chua is Angela Duckworth, who is also Chinese-American, raised by strict immigrant parents. In particular, Duckworth is a psychologist who has studied resilience in children, so she is actually qualified to comment on parenting from the perspective of a researcher, as well as a parent (in contrast, Chua is a lawyer). Some of Duckworth's early research is in the Marshmallow Test, but she also wrote Grit: the Power of Passion and Perseverence. If you're just interested in a very simplified description of parenting styles, here's a nice webpage from Vanderbilt University, but there are multiple sources online. I would recommend sticking to websites affiliated with universities and medical organizations for advice.
In particular, the American Psychological Association has written about "tiger" parenting:
> Tiger parenting is a little different than authoritarian parenting in that tiger parenting includes high levels of negative parenting (e.g., strict rules) and high levels of positive parenting (e.g., warmth and support)...
> Using samples of Hmong, Chinese, and Korean American parents all aimed at testing the new theory of “tiger parenting.” ... Overall, these studies showed that parenting in each of these cultures is a mix of power-assertive type parenting and supportive parenting. The purely power-assertive type of parenting described in Chua's book was not common.
In other words, Chua's self-described definition of "tiger" parenting is considered "purely power-assertive" and actually quite rare among Chinese Americans and Asian-Americans in general.
> Although there is a popular perception that the secret behind the academic success of Asian American children is the prevalence of “tiger moms” like Amy Chua, we found that children with tiger parents actually had a lower GPA than children with supportive parents. In fact, children with supportive parents show the highest GPA, the best socio-emotional adjustment, the least amount of alienation from parents, and the strongest sense of family obligation among the four parenting profiles. Thus, our findings debunk the myths about the merits of tiger parenting.
Hey Doctor B86 thanks for reading! Will check out the book :) The idea of leaving social media is to out yourself in an uncomfortable position - to see how much you can tolerate the "pain" of going without something that is of convenience. I define grit as one's ability to endure these pains. After all, anyone who is successful at anything as you say requires that perseverance, and perseverance goes hand in hand with going out of your comfort zone.
Edit: NON-AFFILIATE LINK TO THE BOOK
I have a copy and waiting to read it after finishing another great book on getting good at stuff.
Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance by Angela Duckworth
Duckworth dives into the common traits of people who excel in their field or hobby. She agrees on the point that time invested is crucial, but also the components of how to continue improving. The problem is many people get excited about learning/trying something new, but quit after a short period. Or others who only see the top performing people and think they could never get to be like that when really those top performers just did behaviors anyone can do over a long period of time and with good feedback and a specific set of behaviors to continuously improve.
And the truth is, very few people will be the best at something. For most people, just being better than average is an accomplishment.
great audio book https://www.amazon.com/Guide-Good-Life-Ancient-Stoic/dp/1522632735
I have a fluffy hippie piece of advice. Try reading up on the Stoic philosophy and slowly start putting their advice into action.
I know it sounds outlandish but reading the Stoics and doing some mindfulness meditation have done wonders for my confidence and quieting that inner Bojack Horseman voice that tells you you suck. In a nutshell they offer actionable advice on how to take a proactive rather than reactive outlook on life.
Here's a good book on it (https://www.amazon.com/Guide-Good-Life-Ancient-Stoic/dp/1522632735). Some Stoic experts have called it watered down but I say it's a great starting point. The primary literature on Stoicism is often written in flower overly formal language that can be hard to follow, but this is very approachable.
Well, never thought I'd be recommending philosophy or religion for someone on Patient Gamers but here goes.
Difficulty enjoying the present is something I've struggled with and hope I'm getting better at.
I'm no expert but Buddhism seems like a great system for more emotionally driven people to get over this problem.
For more analytic types, and as for myself, studying what the ancient Stoics wrote has been super helpful (like, SUPER). Here's a really good starter: https://www.amazon.com/Guide-Good-Life-Ancient-Stoic/dp/1522632735
Here are some things to consider:
Finally, there is also the standard response taught by the Stoics, in this case from Epictetus: “another person will not do you harm unless you wish it; you will be harmed at just that time at which you take yourself to be harmed.”
Epictetus has some solid advice about handling insults:
>Remember that foul words or blows in themselves are no outrage, but your judgement that they are so. So when any one makes you angry, know that it is your own thought that has angered you. Wherefore make it your first endeavour not to let your impressions carry you away. For if once you gain time and delay, you will find it easier to control yourself.
(Enchiridion, 20)
>If you hear that someone has criticized you, don’t try to defend yourself, but say instead: “He doesn’t know all my faults, or he would have had more to say.”
(Enchiridion, 33)
Essentially, words cannot hurt you unless you allow them to. It is not the words that hurt us, but rather our reaction to those words. So if you wish to experience less negative emotion, you need to stop and challenge your impression by considering whether it is rational to let yourself become upset. If you value your happiness, the answer will be no.
The ability to reason yourself out of experiencing negative emotions is something that takes practice to cultivate, especially so when your instinctual reaction is to get upset. But with time, you can achieve peace of mind. If you want to learn more about the Stoic perspective consider reading the book "A Guide to the Good Life" by William B. Irvine
Got an interview today, and setting up interviews for the next few days.
From Stoic Joy, on an asshole insulting you:
Suppose that I take him to be a thoroughly contemptible individual. Under such circumstances, rather than feeling hurt by his insults, I should feel relieved: If he disapproves of what I am doing, then what I am doing is doubtless the right thing to do. What should worry me is if this contemptible person approved of what I am doing.
/r/getdisciplined.This reminds me of the book by Pema Chodron, When Things Fall Apart. I read this when I was going through college and it changed the way I dealt with adversity from a young age, and carried over into how I deal with insecurity and jealousy as well.
did you read the book?
There's also a book, which is largely centered around this school of thought. It's called "Eat That Frog!: 21 Great Ways to Stop Procrastinating and Get More Done in Less Time" by Brian Tracy. (ISBN: 1576754227). A decent read, IIRC.
Disclaimer: I am in no way associated with the product linked above. Mods, feel free to remove this post if product links aren't allowed. I've also included the ISBN for consumers wishing to check out the book via means other than Amazon.
I think it's a phrase but Eat That Frog! brought it to my (and probably others') attention.
One popular method(TM) is "Getting Things Done", but there are others as well. The main idea is often to try to shape your daily habits so that you don't have to rely only on self dicipline when you feel that you are struggling to focus.
Discipline and focus are for most people limited resources, and with neurological conditions like adhd it's even worse. Depression, fatigue and substance abuse problems will also drain your cognitive resources.
Good habits are the ones that work on the same team as self discipline, and bad habits work against your discipline. The big catch 22 is that it takes a lot of discipline to change your habits in the first place.
In addition, you might want to look into mindfulness meditation. There are many studies that show that this is one of the most effective treatments for ADD, either as a supplement or alternative to stimualant medication.
This book gives a good overview of mindfulness meditaion both from a scientific and practical perspectiv and there'a also a supplemental audio track available on Spotify and several other places that helps you try it out for your self.
http://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-Prescription-Adult-ADHD-Strengthening/dp/1590308476
Cognitive therapy or coaching can also be worth investigating.
It doesn't? Remember seeing Santa as a kid?
People are inherently delusional in a great many ways. Perhaps you should read this book: You are not so smart
We as a species suck balls at perceiving reality.
Try
You Are Not So Smart:
http://www.amazon.com/You-Are-Not-So-Smart/dp/1592407366
Trust Me, I'm Lying: {the second part of the book}
http://www.amazon.com/Trust-Lying-Confessions-Manipulator-ebook/dp/B0074VTHH0/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1374416648&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=Trust+Me%2C+I%27m+Lying%3A+Confessions+of+a+Media+Manipulator
And this are not books but they will open your eyes {I strongly suggest you dont watch this if you can't stand blood or violence }
Interview with a Cannibal
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BosZxa1bYcE
Karachi
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xgIl1vmIchA
Slaves of Dubai
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gMh-vlQwrmU
Just piggybacking to add that if anyone is interested in starting to learn the basics of fallacious argument tactics/logical fallacies that we’re seeing running rampant among politicians/propagandists for the past few years: the series You Are Not So Smart is a great place to begin.
podcast
YouTube
Book 1
Understanding the basics (even just knowing that these actions/thought patterns have been identified and have names) reeeeally helps to recognize and unpack tactics that are more complex and/or the use of multiple tactics simultaneously.
Highly recommend this guy’s work in general, but especially if you have the misfortune of encountering this shit irl and want to better prepare yourself to navigate, “disarm”, or deescalate bad faith discussions or tense discourse at work or during upcoming holiday gatherings.
God speed y’all.
Here are a couple that come to mind....
Games People Play is a classic. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Games_People_Play_(book)
This one was less clinical and more entertainment.
http://www.amazon.com/You-Are-Not-So-Smart/dp/1592407366
Neither have a yellow cover though.
This one for executive functioning: https://www.amazon.com/Taking-Charge-Adult-Russell-Barkley/dp/1606233386
https://www.amazon.com/Taking-Charge-Adult-Russell-Barkley/dp/1606233386
It's Taking Charge of Adult ADHD, my apologies.
Honestly, it's going to get easier, and then it's going to get harder. Expect to take a few months (at least) to figure out the appropriate meds and the right dosage for you, to learn what the meds can fix and what they can't, and to learn how to deal with side effects like insomnia and irritability. Then you'll need to come up with strategies for stuff the meds won't touch, because as half the people on this sub will tell you, Adderall can just as easily be used to keep you focused on homework as it can be to spend seven hours sorting everything in your living room by color. It helps. It helps so much. But it's not magic and you have to point it in the right direction.
If you've got any kind of student health coverage, you might have access to a therapist who has ADHD-specific experience who can help you explore coping mechanisms like planners, calendars, checklists, etc. and sort real tasks from small distractions. (In my experience, therapists who don't have ADHD experience aren't much use. If I had a nickel for every one who told me to study harder, I'd have at least 15¢.) If not, read the books Taking Charge of Adult ADHD and Driven to Distraction.
Source: I was diagnosed halfway through college, and even with medication, it took me an extra two years to get my undergrad degree. (The meds also fucked with my sleep something fierce.) My undergrad capstone project came out all right, but I ignored all my other coursework and scraped by with a 2.3 in-major GPA. Years later, I'm working in industry and have put together a suite of checklists and calendars to get me through the day-to-day, but long-term planning and prioritization are still rough.
Oh, I forgot to add something. If you're specifically wondering along the lines of "I have these symptoms, but most people have them anyways, do I even have ADHD then...", I have a book I want to recommend. Russell Barkley's How to Take Control of Adult ADHD.
Russell Barkley is one of the leading experts on attention disorders in North America. At the end of his book, he lists ~96 symptoms that are connected to ADHD. It's not for diagnosis (you need far less), but he includes what percent of ADHDers have the symptom "often" (that's important, since everyone has the symptoms from time to time but aren't ADHD) versus what percent non-ADHDers have the symptom "often". This last category also excludes people with disorders like anxiety or depression, since they can affect attention. It compares ADHDers to healthy individuals then.
When I was officially diagnosed but having trouble accepting it fully, this part of the book really quelled my doubts. It's easy to assume certain "quirks" we have are normal or just quirks, when in fact they may be ADHD related (doesn't make them "bad", just we know the connection now). I assumed that with some of my symptoms, but I was able to see it they were actually very common among ADHDers. That helped me accept my diagnosis fully, to see a comprehensive list of otherwise benign symptoms, that showed I had a lot in common with ADHDers.
tl;dr: I suggest a book that I linked to above, since the back of the book lists about 96 symptoms. It says what percent of ADHDers versus non-ADHDers have the symptoms. This may help you accept ADHD more, if you see where you have more in common with ADHDers than non-ADHDers for symptoms you may never have even considered.
Edit: for length and clarity
http://www.amazon.com/Taking-Charge-Adult-Russell-Barkley/dp/1606233386
BOOM
I was diagnosed w/ ADD roughly 3 months ago. I say ADD instead of ADHD because I don't have much in the way of the "hyperactive" part. A week ago I ran across a video where Russell Barkley explains ADHD. It gave me a new perspective on ADHD. It even convinced my father (who is a doctor) that ADHD might actually exist. I was more than blown away by Dr. Barkley! So, I looked into everything else he had done. I found my way to his book "Taking Charge of Adult ADHD"; so, I immediately put in a request at my local library. I started reading two days ago. It gave a goodly amount of thought to diagnosis for the first five chapters of the book. And the whole time I couldn't help but feel that I wasn't truly ADHD; a number of pieces were missing. Then I saw it!! A heading titled "When You Don't Quite Fit the Picture of ADHD". The subsequent pages and paragraphs gave some cursory diagnostic material before giving a potential diagnosis of Sluggish-Cognitive-Tempo. Sadly, nothing more was said about SCT since so little research has been dont; so, I went to Wikipedia. Eureka! Socially withdrawn, lethargic, depression, ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder)...It all fit!
And the "what" problem happens far too often. Anxiety it one of the biggest things that comes up during therapy. I hate going out 99% of the time. I would much rather stay home and keep to myself. My therapist has given some assignments to just go out and strike up small talk w/ random people. But it's too much for me to do, and I have yet to successfully complete an assignment.
I'm never happy about the prospect of going out w/ friends, or even having them over to my place. I'd rather keep my solitude. I'm worried that I'm going to eventually ruin the good friendships that I have. But the more worrisome part is that I don't care as much I should. I really just want to be left alone.
I have the best ideas for doing stuff. I have my future all planned out...until I start. Then I lose any passion that I had, or I quit after I get frustrated enough.
College was a bust for me. I never had an interest to go, but I was eventually coerced to give it a shot. I started w/ just 3 classes, but I still ended getting so frustrated that I walked out of class one day and never went back.
I'm continuing to research, and I plan on bringing it up w/ my therapist on my next visit.
To add on to the excellent advise above:
Ironically, the random ADHD book I got from the library is by Dr. Barkley: Taking Charge of Adult ADHD
I'll look into the books you suggested.
Hi there /u/kungpowchick_9! Super happy that your husband is in remission! You're awesome for supporting him and continuing to do so!! Seeing a therapist helps, especially one that's had experience with cancer patients. I had a great therapist, but she retired.
Post chemo, for a good year or so, I was taking (daily) 2Mg of Xanax, 20 Mg of Lexapro and for insomnia 20Mg of Ambien. I had Hodgkin's Lymphoma and the 12 cycles of ABVD chemotherapy that cured me also did a number on my body.
Although these meds made my anxiety go away, I was numb to the world. I was going through the motions of life but I wasn't ever really there. My memories of the year or so post chemo, in my minds eye, is very hazy... it's a lot like looking through a window smeared with vaseline.
At a very low point in my life I decided to wean off the meds and get some control over myself. I can't say that I wasn't terrified of that feeling of dread that would take over my body without warning.
In addition to the stabbing pain I'd feel in my chest, my body always felt "noise". Picture a television set on channel three... that's the closest I can get to describing it.
I had issues getting back into the swing of things at work, and life in general... the routine of chemo, office visits, scans, were comforting to me. After I was done I found it difficult to acclimate, the new normal wasn't what I was expecting it to be.
My job at that time consisted of going to people's homes and repairing computers. As I was waiting on a program to install, on a particularly rough day, I saw a book on my client's desk called, ["Mindfulness" An Eight-Week Plan for finding peace in a Frantic World."] (https://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-Eight-Week-Finding-Peace-Frantic/dp/1609618955/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1523081157&amp;sr=8-3&amp;keywords=mindfulness)
I asked my client about it when he came in to check on the progress of his machine and we had an hour long conversation on how the book helped him, what mindfulness was. He pointed me to some videos on YouTube that described the science behind it and I was intrigued. I completed the service call and went on my way. When I looked in my bag at the end of the day, he had placed the book in there without my knowledge, along with a note saying that he knew it would help me and that he hoped that I found the peace that I was looking for. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I find it easy to discuss what I went through. So, I felt obligated to try it and I'm glad I did, as cliche as it sounds, it changed my life. I currently meditate twice a day, 10 minutes in the morning, 10 at night before bed. The book has instructions on how to download some audio tracks that you can use to follow along with the exercises in the book. If they aren't available please PM me and I can get it them to you. I have the ebook as well. I don't listen to the tracks anymore, well, from time to time I may... meditating is second nature now. Like /u/unicorn-81 I listen to Pema Chodron guided meditations every once in a while. Mindfulness taught me live in the moment. It feels as if life has slowed down for me and not a lot of things bother me like they used to. Most importantly I don't feel that heavy burden anymore. When I do get overwhelmed, taking a walk helps, before I was diagnosed we adopted a Labrador named Charlie and he was with me (and continues to be) for the entire experience.
I also came across a breathing technique (which is ultimately what meditation is fundamentally about) called the [4 - 7 - 8] (https://youtu.be/_-C_VNM1Vd0) it helps reset your nervous system, [here's] (https://blog.spire.io/2017/08/09/use-4-7-8-breathing-technique-reduce-stress/) a great blog post that describes it. The more you do it, the more it helps. I do it from time to time to get a grip on things if I'm feeling wonky.
The false positive happened to me as well. I can't say anything really helped me climb back up. Time did that. After going through what we did those scans are very stressful, you run the gamut of joy and despair as you wait on those results. Having to go through all of the treatment again isn't something any of us want.
Although, I did save a ton of money on shampoo... =)
I really hope these suggestions help you guys!!
Something I haven't seen mentioned is to have him to come and take a look at this sub, /u/unicorn-81 created something very special here. I've been visiting for quite some time, lurking here and there, just recently decided to contribute to the conversation. The community here has reminded me that although I may feel alone sometimes, I'm really not. Good luck!!
You sound like me. Here are some helpful resources I've found on reddit and elsewhere. Obviously, this is just my personal list so please ignore anything you don't think will help you.
Self-improvement subs: like most subs, there is a lot of junk but sorting by best all time/year/month leads to some good articles and posts.
Self improvement books
Fitness Subs
Fitness App (free)
Sites You Might Find Helpful
THIS IS AWESOME !
I agree with every word, too…….the healing DOES continue. In my case I had a minor emotional set-back around a month ago when I lost a close family member unexpectedly……I started to delve right back into depression.
It was then that I decided I had to do something. because while I might be 'kratom-free'-----I was still a slave to bad emotional habits. And if I keep on stuffing shit down? I knew I'd end up using again……
So lo and behold…….all this forum talk of MEDITATION finally grabbed hold of me…….I decided to give it a real girl scout try. I tried during the week of my acute symptoms and had failed miserably (I couldn't sit still back then and had to constantly pace).
I said fuck it, what can I lose? I googled 'mindfulness meditation for beginners' and then after reading for around an hour or so (I am still obsessive as hell) I ordered this book on Amazon (it was $10 and I figured it had to be worth at least that) :
http://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-Eight-Week-Finding-Peace-Frantic/dp/1609618955/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1448978170&amp;sr=8-2&amp;keywords=8+weeks+meditation
I have been faithfully meditating once per day for two weeks……and this is going to sound bat shit crazy…….but I feel like an entirely new human !
CONGRATS WORDY…….( and also I want a signed copy of your first book, too, BTW ;-)
Have you read "Grit" by Angela Duckworth? Our administration gave each of us a copy during pre-planning and it explains why and how some people "make it" and most people don't, regardless of how smart they are.
Grit and determination are mandatory to make it in this biz - not to get all weird and shit, but I found this book to be helpful. I'm 32, and I'm just hitting my stride (in terms of output, my shit still blows) and part of getting to a place where I can write 30-40 pages a week was by learning how to buckle down and fucking get shit done.
EDIT - There's no secret, you just gotta fucking crank pages. BUT I do find the Pomodoro method helpful where I write for 25 minutes, take a 5-minute break and repeat. Its nice because I spend those 5 minutes on reddit which I love :)
I think it's mutual mate although ikuto's more reserved personality i.e. he puts chiyuki on a pedestal and chiyuki being the more mature (mindset) will end up as the first to realize her feelings and give it a proper name
> Ikuto once again being the beacon of hope shining through the endless fog in Chiyuki's future.
I am delighted people are giving ikuto credit for helping chiyuki pick herself up when she'd feeling down but it goes both way a lot of ikuto's current success/growth is as a result of chiyuki in a direct/indirect manner and he gives her due credit
I made me feeling on her clear in the reply to your comment on the thread of previous chapter, I will quote parts of it me self to save people's time
> just as ikuto saved chiyuki, he was saved indirectly (this time) by chiyuki (and directly in the past. The problem is because the manga is focusing more on ikuto people seem to forget his original opportunity came as a result of chiyuki's inquisitiveness and drive. She created the situation that led ikuto to her father, who led him to yanagida, followed by kokoro, ayano and other. She opened up an entire world for him that he didn't have a shot at from outside on his own
> coincidence...luck is opportunity + preparation, ikuto was talented, had spent a lifetime making clothes so much so he plans it all out in his head but his talent would have gone unnoticed if chiyuki hadn't come into his life like a hurricane
ikuto's right about her being like the wind (of change/reassurance), chiyuki's best attributes is her personality...she is an inspiration to regular people (like that editor for the magazine) which is often overlooked by people who are too set in their with how the fashion industry works and reject her because her height. She'd be successful in any other field that doesn't require her to be tall because she's got all the qualities people value in the professional world - looks, extroversion, grit, confidence (and a healthy amount of narcissm) for ex. she'd kill it as presenter or a youtuber who earn a lot in the era of social media, fuck she'd kill it in a lot of fields
sure ikuto will get more screen time/page space (?), because he has more growth potential because chiyuki is an insider and more or less realized as a model (skills) with only her height holding her back
Give yourself permission to write complete trash without shame or embarrassment. And then make sure to repeat this on a regular basis. Do it deliberately! Mess up on purpose!
The contrasting approach would be to wait until all your ideas are perfectly formed in your head and then write down your perfection. But this is a more difficult and stressful approach.
> I literally just have not completed putting the thoughts together
Seems like this is you trying to finish the product before doing anything. That's a bit backwards don't you think? Writing complete trash over and over is the process with which the ideas are vetted and organized, is it not? Once you have the non-complete thought, that's enough to get you started. Going beyond that and trying to completely finish your ideas in your head is what will stop you from actually doing any writing. Remember the 80/20 rule? That last 20% will take much longer than the 80% of completion you've arrived at in your head.
Babies.
Babies can't walk or talk when they're born. But they spend years and years progressing from newb to expert, they are committed.
How come they can do that, for years, but you as an adult can't write a paper that doesn't take half as long? Because you fear doing a poor job, being embarrassed by such terrible work, feeling like a newb because your first stroke wasn't perfection, and whatever else.
Babies are comparatively gritty and persistent without fail because they haven't yet learned to fear all the things that adults do.
Babies make amazing progress because they have no shame. It's not until kindergarten they start slowing down - and they start progressing much slower because they see the negative reactions to their failures in adults who judge them without discouraging words, faces, actions when they mess up.
Like this:
> I still feel incredible shame thinking about it
For a baby, that would be water under the bridge. But for adult, that could wreck their entire world! Very interesting stuff.
Baby's have a hyper-growth mindset because they haven't been polluted by the slow world of adults.
So I'm hoping that talk about babies made the point of this reply more appealing. The advice is to pardon yourself of all shame and embarrassment and to fail early and often so that you can actually make progress instead of waiting until the very last minute only to crap your pants. Don't save your first draft for the last minute.
Note: None of these ideas are my own, I'm basically regurgitating what I learned in a part of this book called Grit. In addition to that book, I'd also recommend parts of the book called The Now Habit which has some great analogies and advice in it.
In general I wouldn't worry. More specifically to your question, I enjoy "How I built this" from NPR very much - and I don't think it appeals to a certain personality type (at least not across different episodes).
Listen to it here:
https://www.stitcher.com/podcast/national-public-radio/how-i-built-this
You might also enjoy reading this book:
https://www.amazon.com/Grit-Passion-Perseverance-Angela-Duckworth/dp/1501111108
It really helped me get my head around some things...
Good luck!
Is there some other field that you are more passionate about? For everything in life, it doesn't really matter how much natural born talent you have with something, but how much work you put into learning it. Yes you'll never be as good as the person with natural abilities, but they also didn't get there without a lot of hard work.
I recommend reading http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1501111108/
A Guide to the Good Life is a book on Stoicism that helped me out a lot when I was depressed and nothing was doing my way. This book also helps out cope with loss and failures. I know your situation is way more fucked up than a book can help, but this is a good book to try.
The empty feeling isn't likely to go away. But if you maintain a consistent practice, you're likely to develop a sense of deep peace that will pervade the depression, loneliness, and all the rest of it.
Your intentions aren't wrong. I think that a lot of people turn to meditation in times of difficulty. I went through a very difficult breakup last year and went much deeper into my practice as a way to work through it. It wasn't easy, but I think it helped me to start to develop some self-compassion which is something that was missing from not just my practice, but my life as whole.
Consider picking up a copy of When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron.
Hi. So first, an anecdote: I was clinically depressed with major anxiety and manic-depressive episodes. After dabbling in a sitting practice (two sessions a year at most), I started a regular sitting meditation practice. It's simple to do (in some ways), but specific. I'd seek out some guidance on that. I started with 5 minutes a day and eventually worked my way up to 30 minutes a day. It's been
lifemind-changing.Second, here's a book I sent to someone when their life was on the rocks. I'm sure you're probably looking for a little immediate relief and inspiration, so it's less a foundational Buddhist text and more, for lack of a better word, self-help. The name of the book is When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron, who I believe went through a messy divorce herself, and eventually found peace and enlightment.
Hope this helps
When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times (Shambhala Classics) https://www.amazon.com/dp/1570623449/ref=cm_sw_r_awd_X-BMub1S4SS9B
Is it good so far? Another two that helped me a few years back when I was struggling with similar issues were Pema Chodron's When Things Fall Apart and the Dalai Lama's The Art of Happiness, if you might like to check those out :)
I'm currently reading Frank Herbert's Dune. I'm trying to read more this year... I used to read quite a bit, and then fell off when I was in college. So my goal is a book every two weeks.
I'm not currently in a position to offer much advice, but i can recommend a book that helped me immensely during a similarly difficult time. The book is based on Buddhist philosophies when dealing with difficult times. I hope it can offer you the same peace that i found in it.
When Things Fall Apart
https://www.amazon.ca/When-Things-Fall-Apart-Difficult/dp/1570623449
You can do it if you have good discipline and manage your time efficiently. DO NOT SKIP ON SLEEP. Do not wait to until two days before a test to start learning. Spend 1-2 hours everyday on each subject.
I really liked this book. It helps to understand how your mind works to be able to form good habits and work efficiently. It takes 45 days to form one simple habit.
Engineering is hard but it's also not that hard. If you dont like the textbook or proff, find a better source to learn the material. Go to your proff office hours, find productive study groups and join them.
Eat That Frog!
Interesting.. but it doesn't work for procrastinators like me.. I loved the book Eat that Frog! and it did have a very positive impact on me
http://www.amazon.com/Eat-That-Frog-Great-Procrastinating/dp/1576754227
It talks a great deal of procrastinator psychology and how to get things done
Late to the party but:
Spartan Up!: A Take-No-Prisoners Guide to Overcoming Obstacles and Achieving Peak Performance in Life by Joe De Sena
Eat That Frog!: 21 Great Ways to Stop Procrastinating and Get More Done in Less Time by Brian Tracy
Eat That Frog
http://www.amazon.com/Eat-That-Frog-Great-Procrastinating/dp/1576754227/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1373522101&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=eat+that+frog
I've long suffered with procrastination, and honestly, my suggestion is going to sound kind of ridiculous. No special tips or tricks---- just what's worked for me. Every time there's something I should do, I just do it.
I always wanted to be one of those people that just got things DONE. No hesitation, no procrastination---- as soon as a task presented itself, I wanted to be one of those people that just tackled it. I've slowly been trying to mold myself into one of those people by simply just doing things instead of thinking about doing things.
Some things that I've found useful:
-If I find myself thinking "Oh, I should really do x, y, z....", I try to shut down the "I should" process and jump immediately into action. Staring at a dirty dish in the sink? Looking at a pile of paperwork that needs to be sorted? Instead of thinking "I should do this", I immediately shut down the "thinking" part of my brain and just DO IT. Try to make it impulsive. Impulsive can be positive.
Great ways to keep a to do list: Trello, a note-taking app on your phone, Dropbox. (Do some google-fu if you've never heard of Trello or Dropbox--- such great tools!).
Mark Twain once said that if the first thing you do each morning is to eat a live frog, you can go through the day with the satisfaction of knowing that that is probably the worst thing that is going to happen to you all day long.
Your “frog” is your biggest, most important task, the one you are most likely to procrastinate on if you don’t do something about it. It is also the one task that can have the greatest positive impact on your life and results at the moment.
There's a really good book on the subject called Eat That Frog that addresses the subject.
Seriously though. Don't think about doing it. Just DO IT.
Hello!
I wouldn't worry too much about you not being taken seriously with your daughter. Girls are not generally diagnosed because they typically have more issues with attention and it may not be as noticeable, while boys are typically more hyperactive and it is more obvious and disruptive. When it comes to "testing" they will more than likely talk with your daughter's teacher as well, so if this is something a teacher has noticed then it will help you out in your reasoning!
It is very common for people with ADHD to be all over the place but be able to focus hard on something they are interested in for hours. I know I am like that!
So according to the DSM-5, which is basically a list of criteria to meet certain disorders, to be diagnosed with ADHD you have to shown symptoms before you were 12. If you are over 12, you have to have some sort of proof of these symptoms before then. Sometimes doctors will "diagnose" anyway, but if you are looking to get prescribed medication I would suggest you try other things first. A psychology professor of mine suggested this book to me. I haven't bought it yet (keep forgetting- ADHD lol), but it may be worth checking out!
http://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-Prescription-Adult-ADHD-Strengthening/dp/1590308476?ie=UTF8&amp;ref_=cm_sw_r_cp_awd_Q3iywbMZ72CPQ
It's basically an evolved form of Freud's psychotherapy on a couch. There are other types of therapy - mindfulness, cognitive behavioral therapy, dialectic behavioral therapy, others. I've tried many and have found a mix of mindfulness and psychodynamic most helpful. There's actually a good workbook on mindfulness for ADHD (http://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-Prescription-Adult-ADHD-Strengthening/dp/1590308476) - it's something you can do on your own. But if you have the resources, find someone you can talk to. It really helps.
i withdraw my entry, because a certain someone is absolutely amazing.
I want this self-help book for ADHD because in a few months, I'll have to stop all of my meds while I try to conceive a baby. I'm pretty damn ADHD and it's hard for me to function without the meds so I'm hoping I can learn to manage ahead of time. I'm kind of scared for how I'll do in my job if I don't get the ADHD and anxiety I have under control but I won't put my baby at risk unless I 100% absolutely have to.
Disclaimer: I'm not a mental health professional, so don't just take my word for any of the following! DBT has actually been tried for ADHD with decent results, even though it's far from the most popular or well-known treatment. Edit: I see now from the other replies that it's likely to be a medication/dosage issue. I hope you can sort it out that way, would be easier.
Since emotional outbursts are a big issue for your SO, you could tip him off about DBT? Especially if there are some basic, fundamental techniques that you feel confident you could teach him.
Or better, talk to your own therapist about maybe getting your SO in the same kind of therapy with her/him or someone else. Ideally it should be a therapist who is really knowledgeable about ADHD as well, though that may be a tall order. But someone who's open-minded and willing to look at some recent research should do fine.
There's a good chance I'm stating the obvious here and you've already tried this, but I thought I'd mention it just in case.
Alternatively, mindfulness training has been adapted for ADHD and is also supposed to help with emotion awareness and regulation. That may be easier to learn on one's own than DBT skills.
Sample papers on DBT for ADHD:
Hirvikoski et al. (2011). Reduced ADHD symptoms in adults with ADHD after structured skills training group: Results from a randomized controlled trial
Pierre et al. (2016). CBT/DBT skills training for adults with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD)
I second meditation! I've been reading the [Mindfulness Prescription for Adult ADHD](https://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-Prescription-Adult-ADHD-Strengthening/dp/1590308476 "link to Amazon") to supplement medication, and I've found it to be very helpful - plus the book itself comes with a CD & digital downloads for meditation guidance. Here's an interview with the author, if you want to check it out.
There's a good book on mindfulness for ADHD. Unfortunately, no one with ADHD has ever read it. I use it (in modified form with my post-secondary students) with tremendous success.
Pairing it with Calm (app) - attention meditations or Muse has been a big boom to my normal procedures as well. The bonus with Muse is you can monitor progress and compliance, which then actually increases compliance.
Book: https://www.amazon.ca/Mindfulness-Prescription-Adult-ADHD-Strengthening/dp/1590308476
Muse: http://www.choosemuse.com
You seem pretty self-aware abt it so it should improve with a little bit of time. Otherwise, this degree of impulse control difficulty is characteristic of adhd. Maybe play with these exercises:
https://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-Prescription-Adult-ADHD-Strengthening/dp/1590308476
Yeah for sure!! When I was in High School I took Concerta when my parents were finally fed up with my grades lagging and me not knowing why (common in ADHD, "Why didn't you do this?" "I don't know"). For me Concerta worked essentially immediately, I had more energy, more focus, and of course I did as I was taking low doses of speed every morning.
After a while the Concerta stopped being as effective, I could feel it wearing off after an hour or so instead of at the end of the day. In addition I was losing a lot of my appetite as, again, speed. So I decided at the end of High School, in addition to finishing up with my current therapist (something I'd recommend to anyone anywhere, ADHD struggles or not), that I would stop Concerta as well. My doctor gave me some Ritalin to take on an as needed basis, I used it once my first year in college to write a paper. Wrote the damn thing in 20 minutes and felt miserable the rest of the day.
So last year (this is about a decade later at this point) I ran into a very difficult time and felt like I couldn't control my thoughts, the speed at which I was thinking, my mood, it was bad. A major depressive episode exacerbated by having to come to terms with the real basis of my ADHD. My father had taken Wellbutrin for years so I went to my doctor (as I was describing what I was going through he essentially recommended it before I did, lol) and picked up a prescription.
I felt the effects almost immediately. I used to have this feeling of tiredness when I would get home from work, not a body tired but a bigger more abstract tired (drove my wife nuts and me too). All of a sudden I didn't have that anymore. I felt genuinely lighter through out the day. Turns out the men in my family just have entirely too much serotonin floating around and that did the trick for me (upped my dose once about a year ago, 300mg now). So far I haven't experienced any side effects, if anything I'm more aware of what I'm feeling and so anything negative I've felt has come from that.
tldr; would recommend trying, maybe it'll work for you, do some mindfulness too (https://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-Prescription-Adult-ADHD-Strengthening/dp/1590308476)
This is a meditation guide for ADHD: https://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-Prescription-Adult-ADHD-Strengthening/dp/1590308476/ref=mp_s_a_1_3?keywords=adhd+meditation&amp;qid=1554991547&amp;s=gateway&amp;sr=8-3-spell
Mindfulness Meditation I'm just starting, but this is supposed to be a viable, med-free option. I too am concerned about life-long use of medication, so I hope that this ends up being an effective way to cope with ADHD. Good Luck!
it's all about perception not reality plus most decisions are made by senses not rationale. i strongly recommend to read about cognitive biases especially for youngsters who are about to begin career or graduate. this great book found a funny way to cover the basics
This question gets asked a lot! Good on ya for reading outside your field of study.
Best recommendation for easy readability:
https://youarenotsosmart.com/
"You are Not so Smart", and possibly it's follow up (*which I haven't read)
https://www.amazon.com/You-Are-Not-So-Smart/dp/1592407366
https://www.amazon.com/You-are-Now-Less-Dumb/dp/1592408796/
https://www.amazon.com/You-Are-Not-So-Smart/dp/1592407366
Here's a link to it, it's really terrific: http://www.amazon.com/You-Are-Not-So-Smart/dp/1592407366/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1451495188&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=you+are+not+so+smart
My husband does not want help either. Also thinks he can do just fine on his own. But what he doesn't understand is that he is making progress because, I am encouraging certain conversations to happen which allows him to make connections in his own head about how his ADHD effects him and how he can manage better. So there is a lot of self help books / audio books, tips. Those things do help if you have a good understanding of ADHD, they really can help day to day life go a lot smoother.
My first baby step was increasing my own knowledge and understanding of exactly how ADHD effects someone. Little tips and tricks I passed on, things are a lot better than they were. There's a lot of casual reading material out there as well as lectures and stuff, I have not personally read some of the ADHD books (I think may be detailed on the front page), but other's have said they are very helpful.
Maybe you could encourage your husband to get an audio book version or just to read a few pages. Chances are it might interest him so much he'll hyper focus his way through it.
If I were buying a book today though, I'd start here: Taking Charge of Adult ADHD by Russell Barkley
I hope this helps!
It's actually called Taking Charge of ADHD
https://www.amazon.com/Taking-Charge-Adult-Russell-Barkley/dp/1606233386
Yes, it does. Everything I had to do as a kid but didn’t want to was harder and induced tears and breakdowns and took 20 times longer than it should have. Later on, I just avoided or procrastinated to an extreme extent.
I struggled to remember and elaborate well during my assessment and received a subclinical diagnosis due to no early history but presenting issues in adult life.
After the diagnosis my psych recommended Taking Charge of Adult ADHD which covers how ADHD is in childhood as well. Of course this brought up more memories of things I did as a kid. If you have time before the assessment I’d recommend reading it as I think it’ll help frame your mindset to better explain how ADHD affects you now and did when you were younger.
Taking Charge of Adult ADHD has a symptom form on page 145 called "ADHD Symptom Tracking Scale" to track medication effectiveness. You might reference the book for ideas.
Section 1 is 18 symptoms to rank from Never/Rarely(0) to Very Often (3). Section 2 asks how the set of symptoms affects different parts of your life.
I just started with guided meditations on youtube.
This one is quite good:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1vx8iUvfyCY
books are not required in my opinion, meditation is very easy to learn, the hard part is constantly doing it (like exercise)
But if you want a book, this one is good:
https://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-Eight-Week-Finding-Peace-Frantic/dp/1609618955/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1510155649&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=Mark+Williams+Danny+Penman
I read a book on mindfullness a while back that had 8 week program with meditations. I made it about halfway through. It helped calm my mind in the moment but didn't seem to have any long term benefits for me. I want to try it again because I still got a lot out of it and it was a great read.
Exercise never seemed to help much if at all and I can't see how nutrition would do much of anything.
Whatever I got going on in my head, I feel like my brain is hard wired incorrectly. I talked to my aunt in Colorado last month who is a social worker and does family counseling and other stuff. She knows a lot of our family history and informed me that my mothers side of the family has a history of mental illness. Several of my cousins deal with anxiety, panic attacks and/or depression. I knew of a few cousins that were dealing with something but I was not aware of the extent of not only them but others in my family.
I do have occasional problems with depression, but I think it's a side affect of anxiety and how it's affected my progress with my work and social life. I doubt medicine alone will be enough. I haven't taken any but I'm pretty sure I'll need to talk to someone at some point.
I sped through this really fast. Sorry if my thoughts jumped around a bit.
I believe myself to be more optimistic than OP, but I'm still going to read that book you listed. I'm sure it has some solid info in there worth reading.
To OP. A lot of your "shortcomings" are only shortcomings because you're making them just that. As I'm reading here I'm just thinking. Whats so bad about that?... Stop being so mopey and make an effort to improve your life. I cant I cant I cant.. You need some good mental advancement to get your head right. Personally, I'm not big on meditation, but I've heard it does wonders. Maybe you can give this a try Amazon.com - Mindfulness: An Eight-Week Plan for Finding Peace in a Frantic World
Many, many things actually. I like the following books. They contain tons of helpful information and techniques without fluff:
edit:typo
Mindfulness: An Eight-Week Plan for Finding Peace in a Frantic World
I'm only partway through it but good so far. I checked it out because it came highly recommended from another thread like this one. Very practical and hands-on, written for Westerners. It's big on the callouts with lots of different meditations.
I do the yoga breathing techniques and meditations during the session. Since I have a daily practice I don't need to add a separate time for meditation anymore. It's very similar to mindfulness. I highly recommend this book if you want to add meditation to your daily life. https://www.amazon.com/Peace-Every-Step-Mindfulness-Everyday/dp/0553351397/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1465396345&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=peace+in+every+step
Most of these bring to mind Thich Nhat Hahn, but with more Western-friendly wording. Though, I did very much like Peace is Every Step.
Give "Peace Is Every Step" a try
http://www.amazon.com/Peace-Is-Every-Step-Mindfulness/dp/0553351397 In fact I first opened my copy when on a 'plane.
Though, I would add that I'm rubbish at meditating in the mornings; if I'm going to do something in that vein of a morning it's reciting a mantra (in my head) for 5 to 20 minutes. Maybe try that on the mornings that you're not feeling up to simply sitting?
My sister also has disassociative disorder. She calls it "unreality". I recommended the book "Peace is every step" to her. A few days later she called me and told me she that just reading the book gave her an enormous feeling of relief and happiness. It may be worth checking out.
"Siddhartha" by Hermann Hesse
I read it before I started college and it made me VERY idealistic. I looked at myself as some sort of Boddhisattva and was kind to everyone even my enemies. MOving to the city kind of took that out of me, so I often read it just to remind myself how I should treat others. It's the most beautiful story I've ever read. The philosophy that this book showed me is this: We are all brothers and sisters and we came from the same matter. With this belief, how can one ever truly hate anyone?
Non-fiction: Peace is Every Step by Thich Nat Hanh
Thanks for following up. I just ordered the Thich Nhat Hanh book based on your suggestion. Peace is Every Step is the book that introduced me to mindfulness & meditation.
I have to actively practice just being myself and hoping that it's good enough, because any effort to pose in any way (facially or bodily) for the sake of a picture is just gonna make it worse. But if I can get my default to naturally be pleasant, that works out both for the pictures and for my normal demeanor away from a camera.
A couple of recent quotes I ran across about smiling that I really like, from Thich Nhat Hanh's book Peace Is Every Step:
> "Wearing a smile on your face is a sign that you are master of yourself."
> "How can our smile be the source of joy and not just a diplomatic maneuver? When we smile to ourselves, that smile is not diplomacy; it is the proof that we are ourselves, that we have full sovereignty over ourselves."
So as an experiment, consider trying to smile to yourself, and for yourself. Forget the camera. Forget smiling for the sake of your friends even, but know that when you smile for yourself, they will nonetheless benefit as a side effect. Otherwise, if you're always trying to smile for others, you'll likely wind up feeling the following (from Emerson's essay Self-Reliance).
> "...the forced smile which we put on in company where we do not feel at ease in answer to conversation which does not interest us. The muscles, not spontaneously moved, but moved by a low usurping wilfulness, grow tight about the outline of the face with the most disagreeable sensation."
I'm sure we're all regrettably familiar with that "most disagreeable sensation". :-)
Breathing exercises work great.
They’re very simple and very effective. If you’re by a computer/phone you can save this link:
[calm breathing tool] (https://www.google.com/search?q=breathing+gif+anxiety&amp;rlz=1CDGOYI_enUS820US820&amp;hl=en-US&amp;prmd=isvn&amp;source=lnms&amp;tbm=isch&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=2ahUKEwjsrIH40afgAhVxm-AKHYkKANcQ_AUoAXoECAwQAQ&amp;biw=414&amp;bih=620#imgrc=K5GS00UJu5tG0M)
Sync your breath with the shape and try to stick with it for 3-5 minutes.
If you’re not around a computer you can focus on your breath. On the in-breath think to yourself, “breathing in, I know I’m breathing in” and on the out-breath try thinking “breathing out, I know I’m breathing out”. Stick with it for 3-5 minutes or as long as it takes for the feeling to pass.
The more you do it, the more it will become habit and you may find yourself going into the breathing pattern automatically when stressful situations arises. Let me know if you’d like more info or if I can help in any way. Best of luck.
Here’s a book if you’re interested: https://www.amazon.com/Peace-Every-Step-Mindfulness-Everyday/dp/0553351397
For recommendations there is this recent thread. Of the first few posts, I just finished 10% Happier, by Dan Harris. If you're interested I can mail it to you. It was a quick and interesting read, that was a good introduction for a westerner. One of the other books on the list is by Sam Harris, who is mentioned in 10% Happier, and is a pretty big name atheist. So, if you want to go the non-spiritual route he might be a good read, but I haven't read his book. I've also read The Joy of Living and Peace is Every Step, but I'm by no means an expert meditator. Like most things, it's easy to talk about, and read about, and say you'll do, than actually practice daily. Best way to start is to jump in.
Using my best arm chair psychology I'd attribute your lack of motivation to lift as being a part of the larger issue, which is that you're feeling stuck. I don't think you'll find the answer to any of the manifestations of that feeling until you treat the cause. And if you're just going through the motions, you might be right. Maybe you aren't benefiting, but that doesn't mean the activity is to fault, it means you're not mentally and physically applying yourself to the activity. That's where goal setting comes back into play, being happy doesn't mean stop striving, which is something Dan Harris talks about and struggles with in his book. There are always places to improve. So, no, there's no way around it, only through it.
In the context of parenting, the essential resource is Nancy Bardacke's Mindful Birthing: https://www.amazon.com/Nancy-Bardacke/e/B007NQOTSI
Otherwise, there are so so so many books its hard to choose - so I'll list just a few favorites:
Thich Nhat Han's Peace is Every Step: https://www.amazon.com/Peace-Every-Step-Mindfulness-Everyday/dp/0553351397/ref=la_B000AP5YRY_1_2?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1503002019&amp;sr=1-2
Mindful magazine: https://www.mindful.org/mindfulness-meditation-guided-practices/?gclid=CjwKCAjw_dTMBRBHEiwApIzn_K9o5yuMoHlCdC_ReLMd5ULpXKD9XSwZ0QJ3a7bfY9naiPTFXccAchoCX2oQAvD_BwE
And the two books that are next on my list to read:
Robert Wright: https://www.amazon.com/Why-Buddhism-True-Philosophy-Enlightenment-ebook/dp/B01MPZNG63/ref=sr_1_15?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1503002286&amp;sr=1-15&amp;keywords=mindfulness%2C+science
and Dan Goleman and Richie Davidson: https://www.amazon.com/Altered-Traits-Science-Reveals-Meditation-ebook/dp/B01N3BUE70/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1503002507&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=richard+davidson
For me personally, mental awareness, more clarity and acceptance of who I am was not my initial goals of yoga. I certainly knew that was a possibility, and I appreciated everything my yoga teachers had to say on the subject, but it wasn't a priority. Through the physical aspects of yoga - taking care of my body through exercise, watching myself evolve and become stronger - I suddenly came to a place where I had more space for the spiritual aspects to take hold.
I have been practicing just over a year and a half, and I'd say the last 3-6 months have been the most game changing in terms of my mental health. I can look back now and see how the physical practice became a gateway to what others deem the "true practice" of yoga.
There is a lot of empowerment that you feel when you make your physical health a priority. In comparison to the struggles of your mental health, this is something that you can control and work towards, and see real results! You begin to respect the vessel you've been given, and treat it much better than you may have before.
I soon found the need to become mindful of not just my exercise, but the food I was eating. I went on a restrictive 30 day diet (Whole30) and before that was cutting out processed wheats. The slow transformation of my body suddenly led me to a place where I was more aware of myself mentally, of the habits I had, the way I was reacting, etc. It gave me space spiritually and emotionally and I suddenly knew - now was the time to begin truly meditating, to find time to sit in myself and just be.
I've still got so much work to do, but it's been an amazing journey so far. I recommend that you continue with your physical practice, begin to open your awareness to the other things in your life (habits, diet, relationships, etc), and approach everything with an open mind.
You may find reading a bit more on Yogic or Buddhist philosophy will help. I've just begun reading Tara Brach's Radical Acceptance. She's a renowned Buddhist meditation teacher who has some amazing insights to share.
Good luck, your journey has just begun, and there is so much to look forward to :)
One of the most profound and meaningful moments of my life was when I realized that there was nothing truly wrong with me, and that nobody was any better or worse, for we all share the same Buddha Nature and potential for enlightenment. It took quite a lot of good therapy + meditation + other spiritual development to get there.
You may want to check out a book called Radical Acceptance. It's maybe not the source I would turn to for an explanation of Buddhism per se, but I found it super helpful for building a sense of inherent worth based in compassion.
Checking in and going strong. Also, currently reading and implementing practices from Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach-an excellent book on overcoming shame, guilt, and self worth issues https://www.amazon.com/Radical-Acceptance-Embracing-Heart-Buddha/dp/0553380990
Meditation I think should be the first ingredient. Learning to calm the mind first, then getting to know the mind and why it does what it does would be a great foundation as you continue to build yourself up. Gaining some insight as to WHY you shame and hate yourself can open all kinds of doors for you. Most people just want it all to go away, which is not a long term approach. Keep in mind, this is the long game, so if you are looking for quick fixes meditation will not be appealing. It is a true test of your commitment to bettering yourself. Be up for the challenge, and be patient!
I would really highly recommend checking out some books, one in particular that is very helpful for people in your spot : https://www.amazon.com/Radical-Acceptance-Embracing-Heart-Buddha/dp/0553380990
It is also important to have support. If not from friends or family, from reddit strangers :)
I'm not knowledgeable enough to really expound on the differences, but I'll throw down some resources that helped me:
If this all piques your interest, I really recommend attending a MBSR class to learn a bunch of different techniques and to discuss it with other people who are doing it at the same time. It's similar to exercise in that you can get started on your own, but if you want to get more "skilled" you should look to find a mentor to help you process and suggest new techniques that might help you improve.
Real quick. I’m 27, and I’ve personally got SA, GAD, and Depression. Probably dealt with them all in differing levels of intensity for the past 15+ yrs. I personally feel just putting myself out there (exposure), buddhism/mindfulness, and a couple self-help books ( Self Compassion & Radical Acceptance ) all really helped, but learning self-compassion and acceptance were the real game changers.
I feel one of the biggest reasons we are so hard on ourselves is because we fundamentally feel unworthy. The reason we’re scared isn’t the simple act of talking, it’s the fear of judgement/rejection. Compassion helps me be gentle with myself, and acceptance allow me to accept what is, and not what I wish was. If that makes sense.
Also, mindfulness. This teaches me to be present in the moment. Not in the future worrying about some conversation I’m going to have, and not in the past worrying about a convo I think I messed up on. Mindfulness teaches me the beauty of the now. Meditation specifically helps teach mindfulness, and is something thats helped me, but I’ve heard has really helped others.
and CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy). Basically retraining my brain. Teaches me to reframe and re-approach my negative thoughts, in a more compassionate and realistic light. In all honestly, I’ve got my good days, and I’ve got my bad. I’m not 100% recovered, and maybe not even 50% but I feel much better, and I have some great tools at my disposal.
To refrain from writing an entire book I made this really brief. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask!
The book, "Radical Acceptance," was written by Buddhist psychologist Tara Brach. Here's the Amazon link for any who are interested. I've listened to the audiobook of it a good half dozen times. By midway through the first chapter, I'm usually starting to tear up, because she just has a knack for illustrating how unnecessarily hard we are on ourselves in our society, for very little reason. Her podcast is also top notch, and she's covered about every topic imaginable.
If you're dabbling in this stuff anyway, try getting yourself a copy of [Modern Magick](Modern Magick) to get ground to stand on. Pretty much all magick is mind/psycho magic anyway.
The book includes thorough explanations of rituals that might help you right now (relaxation ritual, magick attack reversal, & I.O.B. style self-exorcisms) and later once you get both feet on the ground.
I see that there are many great answers below so I won't repeat them. I will however suggest a great beginner book, Modern Magick by Donald Michael Kraig that will answer a lot of your questions and give you some good material to start out with. It covers a lot of the basic material and explains a lot of the jargon and terms you might not know if you start off with something more advanced like Crowley. You can also browse /r/occult, it seems to be more active than /r/magick, and there's a good bit of info on the sidebar there.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0738715786?pc_redir=1396384841&amp;robot_redir=1
This is my favorite.
Read http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0738731536/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1464459207&amp;sr=8-1&amp;pi=SY200_QL40&amp;keywords=practical+sigil+magic&amp;dpPl=1&amp;dpID=41PJ07r82dL&amp;ref=plSrch it's a great primer for Modern occult approach to magickal workings.
Also this book is an outstanding primer. Don't get the kindle version, go with the real deal http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0738715786/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1464459573&amp;sr=8-1&amp;pi=SY200_QL40&amp;keywords=modern+magick&amp;dpPl=1&amp;dpID=51203F9fNtL&amp;ref=plSrch
> What the fuck do I do? Do I see a psychologist/therapist/counselor? How do I acquire one/pay for it? Any book recommendations that can help me?
Yes, ideally see a psychologist/therapist/counselor. If you go to school, there is likely a free option that you can access. Otherwise, you will have to pay for one yourself. If funds are low, look online or ask around for low cost options. Consider checking with the social workers you came into contact with for example, to see if they have any suggestions.
Reading recommendations:
Anything on cognitive behavioral therapy
Healing the Shame that Binds You - John Bradshaw
Early Maladaptive Schemas and Schema Therapy
Google search anything relating to impacts of abusive childhood
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>how can I be a better old brother/ how can I enforce my authority without being a dick?
Start by speaking to your brothers about what they're experiencing. A major aspect of exposure to abuse during childhood is the inability to verbalize you're experiencing and how it makes you feel. Pull up a long list of feelings from google search and use it as a guide to help them identify what they're feeling. For example they may have a hard time recognizing that they feel abandoned by their father, and probably by you/your older brother when you leave.
It may help to do some reading on child development/behavior for your brother's ages. That way you have a more informed understanding of their mentality/behavior that is appropriate for their ages. You may have a tendency to be authoritative and a strong disciplinarian just because of your upbringing and you don't want to be reinforcing any dysfunctional behavior you picked up from your mom.
Men with compulsive patterns have one thing in common: abandonment trauma from a very early age. This requires constant medication through a hijacked reward circuit see: www.yourbrainonporn.com. Because of early conditioning an addict believes himself to be a flawed human being; the worst worst. Toxic shame as an identity becomes dehumanising and increasingly unmanageable.
Recovery involves making contact with this primal pain. It's ugly work. There are many tools available:
https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf
http://www.amazon.com/Healing-Shame-Binds-Recovery-Classics/dp/0757303234/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1398108453&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=healing+the+shame+that+binds+you
http://www.amazon.com/The-Revolutionary-Trauma-Release-Process/dp/1897238401/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1398108520&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=david+berceli
Good places to start. Nofap is a great platform but the flavour is often day-counting, minimisation, rationalisation and denial.
Unconditional self-acceptance is the big win.
This is older than I am, but still has plenty to offer:
Facing Shame: Families in Recovery
Without knowing specifics, maybe some of these could be useful to you as well:
Shame Faced: The Road to Recovery
Counselling Skills for Working with Shame
Coming Out of Shame: Transforming Gay and Lesbian Lives
Healing the Shame that Binds You
Treating Sexual Shame: A New Map for Overcoming Dysfunction, Abuse, and Addiction
Asian Shame and Addiction: Suffering in Silence
The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man's World, Second Edition
The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma
Healing Through the Dark Emotions: The Wisdom of Grief, Fear, and Despair
Yeah that therapist is a dick. Don't go back and see her even after you are sober a year.
You (like so many of us here) have an addictive personality. I am the same way with food weighing and tracking, I get obsessive about it and cut my calories so low it is dangerous.
Do you have other options for therapy since you have the tendency to get so intense about things? The possibility that cycling becomes your new running is very real. I'm literally copying and pasting a response someone left me on the thread "Day 2 & grappling with permanency" because it addresses the addictive personality that underlies the behavior. Hugs to you!
Wisdom from @thisismisterl:
Here's the thing: I've come to believe that marijuana was not my problem, but only a symptom of it. My real problem was numbing - and marijuana is a very effective numbing agent. I finally realized that what was behind the impulse to pick up and smoke, was the impulse to numb and avoid feelings and uncomfortable mental states.
I think it can be helpful when trying to let things go to explore what is underneath the urge to 'check out' and smoke.
There are those in the mental health field that suggest that shame is actually at the root of all numbing/addictive behaviours. I tend to agree. Here are a few resources that I've found extremely helpful in getting to the root cause of my numbing impulses and truly healing myself:
https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability?language=en
https://www.amazon.com/Healing-Shame-Binds-Recovery-Classics/dp/0757303234/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1473347900&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=healing+the+shame
https://www.amazon.com/Inner-Bonding-Becoming-Loving-Adult/dp/0062507109
Here's my take on things. I'm in a similar position to you. I'm clean now, but spent way too long smoking way too much and still accomplishing plenty, being seen as a high achiever, etc.
Every time I would quit - for a month or longer, I'd eventually do the same thing you described. Think I could moderate and before I knew it, I was out of control again.
Here's the thing: I've come to believe that marijuana was not my problem, but only a symptom of it. My real problem was numbing - and marijuana is a very effective numbing agent. I finally realized that what was behind the impulse to pick up and smoke, was the impulse to numb and avoid feelings and uncomfortable mental states.
I think it can be helpful when trying to let things go to explore what is underneath the urge to 'check out' and smoke.
There are those in the mental health field that suggest that shame is actually at the root of all numbing/addictive behaviours. I tend to agree. Here are a few resources that I've found extremely helpful in getting to the root cause of my numbing impulses and truly healing myself:
https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability?language=en
https://www.amazon.com/Healing-Shame-Binds-Recovery-Classics/dp/0757303234/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1473347900&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=healing+the+shame
https://www.amazon.com/Inner-Bonding-Becoming-Loving-Adult/dp/0062507109
Good luck!
> Oh boy you should read Nietzsche.
Also, Carl Jung:
> In sterquiliniis invenitur
—Carl Jung
Which literally translates to: you will find it in a cesspool.
^ literally OP's quote.
Also, relevant story:
The Prisoner In The Dark Cave
> There once was a man who was sentenced to die. He was blindfolded and put in a pitch dark cave. The cave was 100 yards by 100 yards. He was told that there was a way out of the cave, and if he could find it, he was a free man.
>
> After a rock was secured at the entrance to the cave, the prisoner was allowed to take his blindfold off and roam freely in the darkness. He was to be fed only bread and water for the first 30 days and nothing thereafter. The bread and water were lowered from a small hole in the roof at the south end of the cave. The ceiling was about 18 feet high. The opening was about one foot in diameter. The prisoner could see a faint light up above, but no light came into the cave.
>
> As the prisoner roamed and crawled around the cave, he bumped into rocks. Some were rather large. He thought if he could build a mound of rocks and dirt that was high enough, he could reach the opening and enlarge it enough to crawl through and escape. Since he was 5’9”, and his reach was another two feet, the mound had to be at least 10 feet high..
>
> So the prisoner spent his waking hours picking up rocks and digging up dirt. At the end of two weeks, he had built a mound of about six feet. He thought that if he could duplicate that in the next two weeks, he could make it before the food ran out. But as he had already used most of the rocks in the cave, he had to dig harder and harder. He had to do the digging with his bare hands. After a month had passed, the mound was 9 ½ feet high and he could almost reach the opening if he jumped. He was almost exhausted and extremely weak.
>
> One day just as he thought he could touch the opening, he fell. He was simply too weak to get up, and in two days he died. His captors came to get his body. They rolled away the huge rock that covered the entrance. As the light flooded into the cave, it illuminated an opening in the wall of the cave about three feet in circumference.
> The opening was the opening to a tunnel which led to the other side of the mountain. This was the passage to freedom the prisoner had been told about. It was in the south wall directly under the opening in the ceiling. All the prisoner would have had to do was crawl about 200 feet and he would have found freedom. He had so completely focused on the opening of light that it never occurred to him to look for freedom in the darkness. Liberation was there all the time right next to the mound he was building, but it was in the darkness.
–Parable found via John Bradshaw’s Healing the shame that binds you
Its a really good book that my therapist recommended for my addiction issues. It helped me to understand some core reasons behind my behavior and where it can lead me if I don't get it under control. Its more of a addiction recovery book but it I believe some of the principles are related to the behaviors of these monsters.
https://www.amazon.com/Healing-Shame-Binds-Recovery-Classics/dp/0757303234
I was going to ask whether you were Mormon, or had grown up Mormon. I grew up Mormon myself, and it's now 15 years after leaving the church that I'm realizing that there are still some latent issues I carry from growing up in the religion.
Your own experiences are yours to explore with compassion for yourself to get to what might be the underlying issues behind your compulsions / "addictions". It won't be easy, especially where your wife is an active member. If your experiences are like mine, you'll be happier and healthier when you find your own voice with respect to who you are, what you believe, and how you want to live your life... and I'm confident that you'll find the compulsions around porn simply fade away without much specific attention given to them as you grow into yourself outside of a Mormon identity.
I might suggest a book to help you move down the road a little: Healing the Shame that Binds You. It did a lot for me. Taming Your Gremlin also was a good read.
Individual therapy helps a lot too - and it may take you a couple tries to find the right one for you. Group therapy might help as well. Explore different things! There's no prescription here.
Don't rule out revisiting medications. I took only Lamictal for a long while, and recently added an antidepressant (Latuda) - which has helped.
AND be nice to yourself!!! Try to look at things objectively, removed from the shackles of religious (aka moral) understandings of porn and masturbation.
Journal everyday by putting pen to paper - just word vomit - get everything out of your head you might be internalizing - you'll know when to stop writing, something will just 'click' - look at your thoughts written down on paper - just observe - no judgement - let's give the negative critical thoughts a little less power - is there a specific voice where these are coming from? - some specific church leader? - just give him a "seat at the table" so to speak, a table you might sit around like at a Thanksgiving family gathering - just let him run his mouth - you DON'T have to listen to him - take his power away - treat him like a crazy aunt that's always spouting bullshit - just tune this person out - find your own words of encouragement - be your own best friend - what, after all, would an ideal best friend say to you - he certainly would not have horribly discouraging things to say - he'd probably just chuckle and confess, "everyone masturbates and looks at porn from time to time - let's get out of the house and go for a walk."
Hey, I have the same problem that you have. Yeah, it's pretty insane when the monster surfaces. Sometimes it stays through the day. The guilt feeds it through. I can't speak for you but I can tell you what I've been doing.
I started seeing a therapist and a few things became clear very early.
I had shame that I needed to deal with. Anxiety that I needed to control. Finally, I need to learn how to eat again.
I'm doing pretty well so far. I've learned not to judge myself. I have hard days sometimes. It's learning to pick yourself up from those hard days that is the challenge right now.
I suggest getting a therapist that specializes in eating disorders. Also, find a registered dietician that deals with eating disorders. If you can handle it, try mindfulness. It is particularly helpful when learning to eat properly again. I found a lot of help with a book called End Emotional Eating. I'm sorry, I can't link to it at this moment. I'll try an add it in an edit later.
Edit: Here is the link to the book and a few others.
For dealing with bing eating:
If you have problems with shame:
Healing the Shame that Binds You by John Bradshaw: http://www.amazon.com/Healing-Shame-Binds-Recovery-Classics/dp/0757303234/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1453094655&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=Healing+the+shame+that+binds+you
A little disclaimer about this book. I had my doubts going into it. I'm not very religious and this author talks about religion and god right from the beginning. Whether you are religious or not, it may come on a little strong. Later on, I realized that he was more into the spirituality of it than anything else. He even speaks about how you can associate this with whatever belief or non-belief system that you have (belief because his religious passages are mostly based on the Judeao-Christian belief system). What I really liked about this book is that it helped me understand how the shame I felt in life affected me. It was like an epiphany. What's great about this book is that he examines shame at the family level and you won't believe how powerful those revelations can be. The reason I suggest a therapist is that these revelations often need a guiding hand to help you along the way. I hope that you are able to find the help you need, despite living far away from possible treatment centers.
You have to learn that you, in this present moment, are beautiful.
We're all in a low place at some point in our lives. But life is a wave, & when we reach that crest we will cherish it more than anyone who's never been to the depths we have
This book is a must read :)
http://www.amazon.com/Healing-Shame-Binds-Recovery-Classics/product-reviews/0757303234
I’m white. It’s not racist to expose the crimes of my own race. White fragility is real & white liberals suffer from it...
Original essay by Robin DiAngelo: "White Fragility," International Journal of Critical Pedagogy, 2011.
Abstract: White people in North America live in a social environment that protects and insulates them from race-based stress. This insulated environment of racial protection builds white expectations for racial comfort while at the same time lowering the ability to tolerate racial stress, leading to what I refer to as White Fragility. White Fragility is a state in which even a minimum amount of racial stress becomes intolerable, triggering a range of defensive moves. These moves include the outward display of emotions such as anger, fear, and guilt, and behaviors such
as argumentation, silence, and leaving the stress-inducing situation. These behaviors, in turn, function to reinstate white racial equilibrium. This paper explicates the dynamics of White Fragility
.
.
Bestselling book on Amazon: "White Fragility: Why It's So Hard for White People to Talk About Racism," Beacon Press, Reprint Edition (June 26, 2018)
“Robin DiAngelo demonstrates an all-too-rare ability to enter the racial conversation with complexity, nuance, and deep respect. Her writing establishes her mastery in accessing the imaginal, metaphoric mind where the possibility for transformation resides. With an unwavering conviction that change is possible, her message is clear: the incentive for white engagement in racial justice work is ultimately self-liberation.”
—Leticia Nieto, coauthor of Beyond Inclusion, Beyond Empowerment
“White fragility is the secret ingredient that makes racial conversations so difficult and achieving racial equity even harder. But by exposing it and showing us all—including white folks—how it operates and how it hurts us, individually and collectively, Robin DiAngelo has performed an invaluable service. An indispensable volume for understanding one of the most important (and yet rarely appreciated) barriers to achieving racial justice.”
—Tim Wise, author of White Like Me: Reflections on Race from a Privileged Son
“Robin DiAngelo’s White Fragility brings language to the emotional structures that make true discussions about racial attitudes difficult. With clarity and compassion, DiAngelo allows us to understand racism as a practice not restricted to ‘bad people.’ In doing so, she moves our national discussions forward with new ‘rules of engagement.’ This is a necessary book for all people invested in societal change through productive social and intimate relationships.”
—Claudia Rankine
I recently read "The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business" and found it to be illuminating. It's not really a self-help book; it's mostly a series of case studies about how we form/maintain habits as individuals and collectively, and what it looks like when we change them. I'm a chronic hobby jumper and this book is starting to reshape how I look at what I do and why. Can't recommend it enough.
I recommend "The Power of Habit." by Charles Duhigg It is a great book and really gets to the core of how fapping can become just a daily habit. If you are analytical like me this will explain why you are doing it like you do. When you break a habit, you need replacement habits that take it over, or you'll slip right back into your old habits. We are kicking a dopamine addiction. A good replacement for dopamine are endorphins. A great endorphin rush is working out.
http://www.amazon.com/The-Power-Habit-Business-ebook/dp/B0055PGUYU
Take the time to watch the video I posted - The material below is also worth reading/listening to:
http://www.amazon.com/Guide-Good-Life-Ancient-Stoic-ebook/dp/B0040JHNQG
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yXcmkSqAqTI
It’s great your looking for more information. I started 5 years ago by reading “A guide to the good life: the art of ancient stoics”. Link https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0040JHNQG/ref=cm_sw_r_em_tai_c_QPmvDb39K7AHE
Or just check out the stoic subreddit
I've had similar goals based around fitness and diet and also relationships. I've had stretches of good and stretches of bad, but the thing that helped was changing my mindset (and it is still a daily struggle)
I have read some good books on these topics as well for self-awareness and highly recommend them, though some are pretty dense.
If you really want a wake-up call, for me it was a close-relative who had a heart-attack (smoker, and unhealthy eater and at a young age (late 40's) he survived and recovered fully, but being much younger I discovered it is not too late. I look at it not like your investing only in the future self, but that my quality of life is going up as well. As Shaw-shank-redemption says "Get busy living or get busy dying" , Once you start making positive changes they will keep you motivated as well.
pm me if you have any questions or need some help.
I haven't read it myself, but I have seen support from other subreddit members. I liked "A Guide to the Good Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy" for an introduction. Its been criticized for being a tiny bit Epicurean, but so am I so it worked good for me. :-) I've suggested it to a nephew and a few friends.
Either one will do a good job launching you into the few source texts we have remaining. That is where you want to be, so you can form your own personal stoic practice.
Pro Tip: Check out subreddit FAQ, it is really useful.
edit: word
Try A Guide to the Good Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy
Spent three mornings this week in the gym. This is a near impossible feat for a man of such a weak will as mine. Many thanks to The Power of Habit which has been a recent catalyst in producing change.
It's a very personal topic so it's hit & miss to be honest. In particular I've found that it matters greatly whether you're religious or not.
For the purposes of this discussion there isn't a right/wrong there...but you need to get it right because the two involve very different paths to "tranquillity" so to speak. It's a bit like an atheist going to a psychologist that is very christian...it just doesn't work. (and vice versa).
Personally I've found value in the Stoic teachings:
https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B0040JHNQG/ref=oh_aui_d_detailpage_o03_?ie=UTF8&amp;psc=1
(Note - that's more a philosophy book that a 5 easy steps to stop caring thing). You're probably better off reading Marcus Aurelius' meditations first (yes the guy depicted in the Gladiator movie) - which are free...just to get a feel for whether it's for you.
> I maybe can get a swim in around twice a week but most days I am absolutely dead after work.
I used to feel the exact same way. Working out in the morning will completely transform the rest of your day. You need to form the habit first, which is the hard part. I recommend reading The Power of Habit to help with that.
I don't know about the greatest, but here are a few I've found enlightening:
Not specifically tailored to divorce, but were helpful to me in general reorientation of approaches to life:
"Extreme Ownership" by Jocko Willink
"A Guide to the Good Life" by William Irvine
Denne: https://www.amazon.com/Guide-Good-Life-Ancient-Stoic-ebook/dp/B0040JHNQG
OK, chiming in here for the first time.
In his book "The Power of Habit" Charles Duhigg talks about "cornerstone" habits.
There seem to be habist that draw a host of others with them, and improve the general life.
That one is sports.
As soon as people pick up the habit of exercise, their diet improves, they often reduce drug usage such as nicotine, etc..
With 400lbs+, this may seem daunting.
A friend of mine did this with walking at night. Just started walking around his neighborhood when no one could see him.
Link to book (no promo code)
https://www.amazon.com/Power-Habit-What-Life-Business-ebook/dp/B0055PGUYU
As for the other stuff - facebook has been shown to be a bad influence on mental health.
https://www.theguardian.com/society/2017/may/19/popular-social-media-sites-harm-young-peoples-mental-health
https://www.theguardian.com/technology/2016/dec/22/facebook-break-can-boost-wellbeing-study-suggests
So at least take a break from it.
Good luck!
Aslo: Feel free to message me directly.
Seconded. Recommended a good starter book for you. Focus on what you can control(your actions), not what you can't(i.e. your friends).
https://www.amazon.com/Guide-Good-Life-Ancient-Stoic-ebook/dp/B0040JHNQG
I am going to try your challenge! I will see how many days I can go with reading 20 pages a day. I'm not saying I will be able to go a whole year, but I will shoot for a week. Seven days of reading at least 20 pages.
Right now I am reading The Power of Habit. Honestly, I can say this book is life changing so far. It is just an eye-opening read. I would highly recommend it.
I am actually thinking of starting a collection of physical books. All of my books are digital. I thinking putting the phone down and stepping away from the computer can be beneficial. /u/NotYourMomsGayPorn mentioned this on Day 1:
> 1) Find a pattern to give yourself some consistency, something easy for you to hold yourself to. Maybe that's waking up an extra half-hour than you usually do and making yourself some coffee before work. Maybe that's sitting down at 6 pm every night and reading a (physical, not digital) book for an hour. Find something in your day that you know you can do, no matter what. Stick to it.
> - /u/NotYourMomsGayPorn (Day 1: Consistency)
You know what. That is exactly what I am going to do. Tomorrow I am going to stop by Barnes and Noble and grab a hard copy of the Power of Habit. Once I finish it, I will ship it to whoever wants to read it next. Just let me know if you want it. I really recommend reading it. Very powerful book.
Please consider learning about Stoic philosophy. It's been immensely helpful for keeping an even keel and when it's out of my life for too long is when I typically start slipping up. Drinking more, more anger and generally negative outlook on life.
One of its central tenets is that there are some things up to us and some things not up to us. We can't always avoid shitty things in life but we can control our actions and with practice our thoughts. This can be empowering!
I'm not religious or been to AA but I've heard that parts of Christianity and the serenity prayer were based off of Stoicism.
This book is a great read and a good place to start. I hope you give it a shot: http://www.amazon.com/Guide-Good-Life-Ancient-Stoic-ebook/dp/B0040JHNQG/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1459400864&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=a+guide+to+the+good+life
Bear with me on this, but I think this article may benefit you. The focus is on how we can be manipulated through habit, but I've never seen this information on habit formation anywhere else. The author of the article has written a book and now that you mention it, I could stand to learn more about habit myself, so I just bought it on Kindle and I'll let you know what I think of it.
In short and according to the article:
Human behavior is often governed by sets of habits that are stacked together to create habit chunks.
>the brain converts a sequence of actions into an automatic routine, is called “chunking.” There are dozens, if not hundreds, of behavioral chunks we rely on every day. Some are simple: you automatically put toothpaste on your toothbrush before sticking it in your mouth. Some, like making the kids’ lunch, are a little more complex. Still others are so complicated that it’s remarkable to realize that a habit could have emerged at all.
So these chunks are awesome because they let us save energy and be more efficient, and they suck because when things are different from our expectations (we've been fooled) or don't go as planned (as we've rehearsed them so many times before) then we get into trouble.
>we’ve devised a clever system to determine when to let a habit take over. It’s something that happens whenever a chunk of behavior starts or ends — and it helps to explain why habits are so difficult to change once they’re formed, despite our best intentions
>the process within our brains that creates habits is a three-step loop. First, there is a cue, a trigger that tells your brain to go into automatic mode and which habit to use. Then there is the routine, which can be physical or mental or emotional. Finally, there is a reward, which helps your brain figure out if this particular loop is worth remembering for the future. Over time, this loop — cue, routine, reward; cue, routine, reward — becomes more and more automatic. The cue and reward become neurologically intertwined until a sense of craving emerges. What’s unique about cues and rewards, however, is how subtle they can be. Neurological studies like the ones in Graybiel’s lab have revealed that some cues span just milliseconds. And rewards can range from the obvious (like the sugar rush that a morning doughnut habit provides) to the infinitesimal (like the barely noticeable — but measurable — sense of relief the brain experiences after successfully navigating the driveway). Most cues and rewards, in fact, happen so quickly and are so slight that we are hardly aware of them at all. But our neural systems notice and use them to build automatic behaviors.
>Habits aren’t destiny — they can be ignored, changed or replaced. But it’s also true that once the loop is established and a habit emerges, your brain stops fully participating in decision-making. So unless you deliberately fight a habit — unless you find new cues and rewards — the old pattern will unfold automatically
After reading Blink by Malcolm Gladwell, I wonder if what we call our intuition might even be these chunked behaviors in effect.
The whole article is definitely worth a read.
Not one I really have seen either, which is why I am making it. It seems ridiculous that a generation ago and before, most North Americans used the term "country" more to refer to Indigenous lands and Aussies do to this day, and "country" is a more apt and politically charged and important term than "territory" any day and like... every ... map ... ever ... is blank from 1492 and back. Even if it is not blank, hardpressed to get any Indigenous presence on the maps at all. And like folks talk about their own countries, folks have names for their own countries, folks know how their own countries can/should/have been run. It is just not talked about in the public or casual sphere
Books!
Secwepemc Book
Unsettling Canada
Roadmap to Recognition for an Aussie perspective
An American Genocide
American Apartheid
Indigenous Diplomacy
Indigenous Experience
Aboriginal Rights Claims and the Making and Remaking of History
White Fragility
The Future of Indigenous Peoples
The Other Slavery
I have also read and used Canadian Federalism
Wild Law
Here's a good starting point.
Have you read this book? https://www.amazon.com/White-Fragility-People-About-Racism/dp/0807047414
Start with The Lucifer Effect by Philip Zimbardo.
Edit: My husband reads these kinds of books for fun, and this is easily his favourite. Well written, concise and in layman's terms for the most part.
Strangers to Ourselves: Discovering the Adaptive Unconscious by Timothy Wilson is personally one of my favorites
Anything by Malcolm Gladwell (I really enjoyed Blink)
Anything by Robert Cialdini (He was my social psychology professor and one of my favorite authors / public speakers)
Whistling Vivaldi: How Stereotypes Affect Us and What We Can Do (Issues of Our Time) by Claude M. Steele (Who basically uncovered stereotype threat research)
The Lucifer Effect: Understanding How Good People Turn Evil by Phillip Zimbaro (famous for the Stanford prison experiment)
Older books:
Mindfulness by Ellen Langer (about automatic processes and how mindless we can be)
When Prophecy Fails by Festinger, Riecken, & Schachter (To understand how cults work, a group of researchers infiltrate a join a cult. Mainly about cognitive dissonance but details what happens to a cult when the world doesn't end like predicted)
Obedience to Authority: An Experimental View by Stanley Milgram if you want to know all about the Milgram experiments
Sorry that is all that comes to mind now. . . (edited for formatting)
Any book by Mary Roach- her books are hilarious, random, and informative. I like Jon Krakauer's, Sarah Vowell's, and Bill Bryson's books as well.
Some of my favorites that I can think of offhand (as another poster mentioned, I loved Devil in the White City)
No Picnic on Mount Kenya
Guns, Germs, and Steel
Collapse
The Closing of the Western Mind
What is the What
A Long Way Gone
Alliance of Enemies
The Lucifer Effect
The World Without Us
What the Dog Saw
The God Delusion (you'd probably enjoy Richard Dawkins' other books as well if you like science)
One Down, One Dead
Lust for Life
Lost in Shangri-La
Endurance
True Story
Havana Nocturne
I feel in a case like this, it is likely something along the lines of paranoid schizophrenia. Although violence among psychiatric patients is extremely rare, violent tendencies are more common in paranoid schizophrenia.
A recent review (c.f., Silverstein, Pozzo, Roche, Boyle, & Miskimen, 2015) scholars suggested increased violent tendencies may be due to (1) they tend to have psychotic symptoms (hallucinations, delusions, persecutory ideation) which prompt violent responses; (2) it is extremely common in marginalized populations who tend to have histories of violence; (3) there are a number of brain abnormalities thought to influence systems which manage impulsivity (for example, patients with schizophrenia tend to have increased left-hemispheric fast-wave EEG activity, which denotes overarousal).
However, this may only address the reasons why someone like Evans may have been driven to murder. Being driven to murder is likely a blend of situation specific stimuli interacting with one's own behavioral traits. There are a variety of reasons as to why one may be driven to murder, and even a case similar to Evans would not necessarily denote that other hypothetical individuals involved would even have a mental disorder (I only brought this up as his mental state has been battled in court). Even in the previously cited review, there appears to be no clear distinction between crimes by mental patients and those without any sort of diagnosis, so while this crime may not suggest he has any type of diagnosis, it is perhaps parsimonious to suggest that someone in this situation may have brain abnormalities (to say the least).
One could commit murder for a variety of possible reasons. Likely, in any case, there are a slew of psychological and physiological variables which may result in this behavior. In this one instance, it seems like that Evan's condition may largely be to blame. I would like to state that I do not think this justifies Evan's behavior, nor should it necessarily allow him leniency with the law. But the fact of the matter is that because murder can help for a variety of reasons it may be less useful to ask why (because this really only categorizes murders) and more useful to consider where we draw the line as a society, and how our criminal justice system is to be used to respond to these crimes.
Silverstein, S.M., Pozzo, J.D., Roche, M., Boyle, D., & Miskimen, T. (2015). Schizophrenia and violence: Realities and recommendations. Crime Psychology Review, 1, 21-42. doi: 10.1080/23744006.2015.1033154
If this is a topic which really interests you, I would recommend the following two books:
Evil: Inside Human Violence and Cruelty (Baumeister & Beck)
https://www.amazon.com/Evil-Inside-Human-Violence-Cruelty/dp/0805071652/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1474176881&amp;sr=8-5&amp;keywords=psychology+of+evil
The Lucifer Effect (by the infamous [Stanford Prison study] Philip Zimbardo)
https://www.amazon.com/Lucifer-Effect-Understanding-Good-People/dp/0812974441/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1474176881&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=psychology+of+evil
This same request was made two weeks ago; the best reddit could do was to arrange a brief IAMA of the author of The Lucifer Effect (of the e-mailed questions variety). The request before that got no responses.
Read this book: https://www.amazon.com/Lucifer-Effect-Understanding-Good-People/dp/0812974441
[A fascinating book about the experiment, written by the man who devised it.] (http://www.amazon.com/The-Lucifer-Effect-Understanding-People/dp/0812974441/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1377624341&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=the+stanford+prison+experiment)
part two
> There are three problems at issue with that source
rebuttal then!
> Oh, sure. However, I'm going to say in a very blasé way, white-on-white crime is not frequent enough to be seen as a problem. You might explain this frequency by pointing out arrest rate disparity, but I would suggest a realist position (by which I, of course, mean right-realism) of being critical of that disparity and being more aligned towards the findings of official figures (which you will probably claim I'm not being critical enough towards).
The official figures contradict you. Plain and simple, difference in arrest rate have nothing attributable to stereotypically black behaviors, or anything about their communities.
> The sources you cite here don't seem to really be backing up the claims you're making.First one, sure, high crime areas have higher distrust in police, but that was never in question - the larger question, where we both disagree, is why blacks live in higher crime areas (in which you will likely say discrimination - both in housing allocation, and how spatial [self-]segregation has put blacks in locations with worse provisions etc.).
Wrong on all of my rebuttals, but my rebuttals aren't the ones that matter what matters is what the data says. You don't get to say "my sources aren't backed up by the data" without critiquing what you find wrong, and expect to get respect.
The scientist the published the studies cited by those articles did a lot of digging to find the causes. You don't just get to say "i disagree"
>As for the second link, you follow up "It's the police's fault" with a claim that 911 calls drop after major incidents, but that's an inference I wouldn't be inclined to make. That statement both places the prerogative on police to encourage 911 calls (rather than on civilians), and relies on a rather vague correlation to suggest that people aren't phoning, for example, because they had a bad experience with police. It would have more explanatory power and believability if you were to cite a study that suggested people had a distrust in police, and reasons why. I'm well-aware those studies also exist, but I feel that there is a better argument you could have made with that addition
You obviously didn't read those links well enough because i addressed you point.
>We both know how to criticise empirical evidence (and it's far easier than constructing it). Do you really need to see me ask "Are the samples of the cited studies of a sufficient size?", "Are they representative?" etc.?
> I think it would be more than safe to assume that your "empirical evidence" is predominantly small-scale, qualitative studies - which, as I said from the offset, cannot be generalised. I can say that with some degree of certitude because that's what almost all social science research is nowadays.
Your failure to dismiss studies without investigating such variables, then criticizing on such variables, isn't my problem.
Your self imposed ignorance to back up your unjustified prejudiced attitudes toward these groups isn't my fault. I've given you the sources, your unwillingness to challenge your own ignorance on the subject is only your loss.
> I have "Humanness and Dehumanization" by Bain, Vaes and Leyens in front of me by now - a book I bought years ago, when I was actually interested in the topic.
I was personally thinking more phillip zimbardo's lucifer effect which would be very informative to you on how your characterizations of these groups are indeed dehumanization and depersonalization (depersonalization and dehumanization occurs with BLM also, as you have pointed out)
> I could understand your opposition if I used the term "genocide", which has a very different range of definitions, but nothing about "terrorist" suggests that death is a prerequisite for the label, even etymologically.
It doesn't require death but sit in's don't fit with the common definition of terrorism and your personal definition is not accurate because words are defined communally*
> I don't have the potential or the want to be either of those things and it's horrible that you think all other people could be just like him.
You/they could, though. Research the Stanford Prison Experiment and Stanley Milgram. Both showed that, given the right set of circumstances, perfectly ordinary people are capable of extraordinary evil.
If you have time, read The Lucifer Effect for a more in-depth explanation of how it works.
Phillip Zombardo explained this well with the Stanford Experiment gone wrong.
I have a book on my books WL called The Lucifer Effect: Understanding How Good People Turn Evil. It was suggested to me by someone here and it looks really interesting. And it sounds pretty evil!
If you're into Social Psych:
The Lucifier Effect - Philip Zimbardo
Zimbardo decided to write an update on conclusions of the Stanford Prison Experiment in the wake of the Abu Graib scandal.
Politics and Psychoanalysis:
Leaders and Their Followers in a Dangerous World: The Psychology of Political Behavior (Psychoanalysis and Social Theory) - Jerrold M Post
The Mind of the Terrorist: The Psychology of Terrorism from the IRA to al-Qaeda - Jerrold M. Post
Not really a psychoanalysis guy myself but they may be worth a read if you are into geopolitics as well as Psych.
General Psych:
Opening Skinner's Box: Great Psychological Experiments of the Twentieth Century - Lauren Slater
This one may border on the pop side, I'd call it easy reading. It's a narrative that discusses many of the more famous Psych experiments of the 20th century. Definitely a good summer read, Pop or not highly recommended.
I think I recommended this book when Dr. Zimbardo did an AMA here awhile back, but he has a great book called The Lucifer Effect for anyone interested in reading about this in (much) more detail, and its broader implications.
I'd definitely start with a cheap Psych 101 textbook to familiarize yourself with the field, it's history, and the varieties of interest. This will help you form a good idea where I start your personal research and what areas your really enjoy. You may want to try listening to some Psych podcasts. Here's a recent link that may help with that: https://www.reddit.com/r/psychology/comments/4k34h7/list_of_psychology_podcasts_i_like_any/
The book that made me fall in love with Psychology: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0812974441/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1463813577&amp;sr=8-1&amp;pi=SY200_QL40&amp;keywords=the+lucifer+effect&amp;dpPl=1&amp;dpID=51RaFfGSSUL&amp;ref=plSrch
If you have a good idea of what you'd like to learn about, you need to look for Scholarly articles online. Google scholarly data banks and I'm sure you'll find some good stuff.
Hope this helped some. Good luck with your interest. let me know if you have further questions, I'd be happy to help however I can! Psychology is a wonderful thing to study.
Here is a link to arguably the best introduction to wicca that there is.
https://www.amazon.com/Wicca-Solitary-Practitioner-Scott-Cunningham/dp/0875421180/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1519634712&amp;sr=8-3&amp;keywords=wicca+guide&amp;dpID=51j%252BwKpACML&amp;preST=_SY291_BO1,204,203,200_QL40_&amp;dpSrc=srch
This was the first "occult" book i have ever purchsed/read. I am not a wiccan but that book "opened the doors" for me so to speak. Once I realized that i was interested in much more than just wicca the following book by peter j carrol steered me in the right direction based on the practical exercises in an almost textbook like format.
https://www.amazon.com/Liber-Null-Psychonaut-Introduction-Chaos/dp/0877286396/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1519634960&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=liber+null&amp;dpID=516TsWggnKL&amp;preST=_SY291_BO1,204,203,200_QL40_&amp;dpSrc=srch
Just the average beginner kit xD This amongst others.
There is solitary wicca - Scott Cunningham
I have heard excellent things about this book.
http://www.amazon.com/Wicca-Solitary-Practitioner-Scott-Cunningham/dp/0875421180/ref=sr_1_1_twi_2?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1425214607&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=wicca+solitary+practitioner
> . I just feel like child, I’m lonely (despite the people), negative beliefs, lack of full self love, and hopelessness.
Have you looked into Internal Family Systems theory ? Sounds like you get overwhelmed by your fragmented parts. In case you haven't, give it a try.
Jay Earley's book is highly recommended. https://www.amazon.com/dp/0984392777/ref=cm_sw_r_other_apa_i_By0pDbVZG1B5K
And here's a recent post on the topic.
https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/comments/cjbw9u/parts/
If you're already in treatment. Psychoeducation seems to be the only thing you can do. Learn, gain awareness and tackle your issues one by one.
Before I had access to EMDR therapy, I did some work with the book Self-Therapy by Jay Earley. It uses the Family Systems Therapy approach, and I found it really helpful. It's somewhat difficult to do, and I didn't get through the whole book, but I was really motivated and desperate and couldn't get into therapy, I think the book and the IFS approach is really revolutionary. It involves being curious and compassionate towards our damaged parts, and I really responded to it. Good luck.
I'd recommend "Self-Therapy" by Jay Earley. It's written to be very accessible and Jay is a great writer who has dedicated his career to IFS.
Self-Therapy: A Step-By-Step Guide to Creating Wholeness and Healing Your Inner Child Using IFS, A New, Cutting-Edge Psychotherapy, 2nd Edition https://www.amazon.com/dp/0984392777/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_AdJOCbPSJ1R2J
I don't think there's an English word for that (although I bet there's a German compound word for it), but it's called a "music evoked autobiographical memory". If you're really interested in that stuff, you'll like Musicophilia by Oliver Sacks.
Also, here's some research done on it:
Unfortunately I can't answer your question (and don't have expertise in this subject at all). However, I did watch a documentary called Musical Minds, in which they examine music and the brain. I might be imagining things, but I think they addressed how animals perceive music differently from us (or maybe only primates can perceive it the way we do?). If you can watch it, it might give you an answer.
It also had a related book: Musicophilia: Tales of Music and the Brain
I read a book that had some science of music in it. "This is Your Brain on Music". I don't remember the specifics of it so I won't try to repeat it here because I'll probably say something inaccurate. That book isn't the only one of it's kind (good book by the way). If you are really interested in the subject I'm sure you can find some interesting information.
http://www.amazon.com/This-Your-Brain-Music-Obsession/dp/0525949690
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1400033535/ref=pd_lpo_k2_dp_sr_2?pf_rd_p=486539851&amp;pf_rd_s=lpo-top-stripe-1&amp;pf_rd_t=201&amp;pf_rd_i=0525949690&amp;pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&amp;pf_rd_r=02HTPTSMBADCZZE5BDMV
Music absolutely affects our mind, but that doesn't make it evil. The interactions are very complex and we are only beginning to understand them. If you're interested in this, I recommend these two books to begin:
This Is Your Brain on Music
Musicophilia
Musicophilia by Oliver Sacks. That is all.
There's an interesting book on the subject, written by Daniel J. Levitin. It's called:
This Is Your Brain on Music: The Science of A Human Obsession
Oliver Sacks has an excellent book on the subject as well:
Musicophilia: Tales of Music and the Brain
Both this book by Levitin, and this book by Sacks address it. Both are great reads. Side note: I believe the Levitin book came out before the Sacks book. Sacks wrote a glowing blurb in Levitin's book, and then Sacks wrote a book on nearly the same thing. I found it weird.
Read Musicophilia by Oliver Sacks. He talks about this very thing.
i can't remember all the details but in some cases, this form of amusia went away on its own. In others, it occurred in much older individuals and they ended up just having to adjust to living with it.
And aside from that, it's also a great book all around.
When you're asleep, your mind is less distracted and you may have many kinds of creative experiences. Different brains respond to music differently. Oliver Sacks, the famous professor of neurology, talks about this kind of thing in [one of his books] (http://www.amazon.com/Musicophilia-Tales-Music-Revised-Expanded/dp/1400033535/ref=sr_1_5?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1367444787&amp;sr=1-5&amp;keywords=oliver+sacks)
I have it too though I can control it quite well. I'm a musician and music teacher so constantly listening. Are you always listening too? I find after a deep song learning stages (20 songs in 3 days) it gets worse. That is from the tetris effect. What you do becomes you.
Can you write or sing anything down? It might be a way to get it out of your system.
In addition I find that when I'm over thinking I deliberately start a drum beat to help me relax. To each their own but it works for me.
Oh! Have you read Musicophilia by Oliver Sacks? On music and the brain. Not exactly to do with your case though may explain a few things. http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1400033535?pc_redir=1413335627&amp;robot_redir=1
I am about half way through The Black Swan. I would advise anyone who spends much time looking at economic data to read that book. Few people are willing to face how poor we are at predicting the future.
God's Debris by Scott Adams -- Could change your views on religion and life
You might have already heard a lot about The Black Swan by Nassim Nicholas Taleb but it was a great read that really made me think about economics, fame and knowledge itself in new ways
Good thread
Nassim Nicholas Taleb - The Black Swan
Phil Rosenzweig - The Halo Effect
I'm not well versed on the topic yet, but I just started reading Nassim Taleb's The Black Swan, and the fact that events such as a financial crash is nothing that statistics could possibly suggest, and on top of that the impact of which is far more significant than the typical statistical market fluctuations. He would without a doubt call this crash a "Black Swan" event; whereby the odds of such event are almost incalcuable, and the effect is so broad it changes or affects nearly everything.
So far its been a good read, but I'm only a few chapters in.
http://www.amazon.com/Black-Swan-Impact-Highly-Improbable/dp/1400063515
The Black Swan: The Impact of the Highly Improbable is on my to-read list.
I thought The Black Swan (no, not the movie) was superfluous and pointless. tl;dr: Everything happens the way you expect it to until it doesn't. There, I just saved you 500 tedious pages.
Oops, didn't realize there were more than one.
This one by Nassim Taleb: http://www.amazon.com/Black-Swan-Impact-Highly-Improbable/dp/1400063515/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;s=books&amp;qid=1260477865&amp;sr=8-1
The Black Swan the impact of highly improbable by Nassim Nicholas Taleb. This book will fuck your mind up. It shows how little we are in control and how we try to rationalize and explain things that are beyond our scope.
Amazon!
Or if you would like something even hardcore, then
Sperm Wars by Robin Baker(?)
Read this book: Grit by Angela Duckworth. The idea is that long term passion and perseverance are what make up grit, and grit is the one quality that is present among most successful people – not talent. You might be inspired to find your own project and be gritty about it.
Perhaps one way to go is to keep that long term goal in mind, have some grit (you might like the book - grit ) and to start with, make your posts a mix of your own content, reposts and perhaps a quote? What niche are you in? The other thing is - what hashtags are you using? I'd suggest going with smaller, long tail hashtags eg if you were selling athleticwear, it could be #athleticwear(insertyourcity/country/something else appropriate here) as against #fashion.
Give yourself some time, and now could be good to work out who is in your tribe - who is your follower, who are the people who will champion you, who you look up to and can reach out to, and what you can do to reach those people.
Now is a great time to work out what your own personal hashtag might be, and to start using that too.I started an IG account about a year ago, and whilst others might be all - that's a *tiny* amount of followers (around 1000) - it's exactly the niche that I want (chefs and ceramicists), so I'm happy, and going to continue.
I hope that helps.
probably talking about this type of thing
http://www.amazon.com/Grit-Passion-Perseverance-Angela-Duckworth/dp/1501111108?ie=UTF8&amp;colid=27ZLW0I8BUMZX&amp;coliid=I3JLOQYQHQXWDR&amp;ref_=wl_it_dp_o_pC_nS_ttl
it's not just the Sheldrakes going way, way out there - it's also scientists from brand-name schools pushing small amounts of research (and pilot studies) significantly beyond what the data support - like so:
http://www.amazon.com/Presence-Bringing-Boldest-Biggest-Challenges/dp/0316256579?ie=UTF8&amp;keywords=power%20pose&amp;qid=1465485277&amp;ref_=sr_1_1&amp;s=books&amp;sr=1-1
https://www.marketwatch.com/story/heres-why-black-families-have-struggled-for-decades-to-gain-wealth-2019-02-28
Also take a look at the policies that excluded people of color from social security. The GI bill provided for returning soldiers’ education but the only colleges that accepted minorities were for things like farming. So while white guys came back and became engineers, people of color were still only able to access lower income jobs. Then there’s redlining which prevented black families from becoming homeowners. Homeownership is the main way people gain wealth. So the simple answer to your question is structural racism.
I’m reading this book right now (https://www.amazon.com/White-Fragility-People-About-Racism/dp/0807047414) which I highly recommend.
https://www.amazon.com/White-Fragility-People-About-Racism/dp/0807047414/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1536724932&amp;sr=8-2&amp;keywords=white+fragility
> In the above post, he mentioned someone dressing like that having a predilection to do dumb or ignorant shit.
Why do you think we might think this? Hint: It's racism. We've taken a style associated with minority groups and associated it with doing dumb shit. It's not stereotyping to say that a certain style of clothing is predominantly worn by certain cultural groups. A stereotype is an overly generalized belief about something. Identifying that a certain style is predominately associated with certain cultural groups is not an overgeneralization, but saying that people who dress a certain way are dumb is an overgeneralization. Most people who wear kimonos are Japanese. If we suddenly started saying that people who wear kimonos are dumb, then what are we really saying? And at what point did the overgeneralization take place?
Race is 100% a power relationship. It is advantageous for those in power to racialize certain groups of people in order to maintain order, at the cost of excluding these races. Most white people in America directly (albeit, in the past) benefit from slavery. Because of Jim Crow Laws, white people were able to get redlined into the nice places and the people of color were excluded. Because of the New Jim Crow (eg, marijuana laws and broken windows policies), minority communities have been kept impoverished and white communities have separately thrived. Things that enable and justify this kind of thinking are racist. Finding a roundabout way to say that certain minority groups are dumb function to justify these things. We say that poor, dilapidated neighborhoods need more policing because of crime, we're not saying anything bad about black people directly, but since race and economic status are correlated, then we're really just saying that we need to police black neighborhoods (which is what happened). Even though, if the windows are broken, an effective way to reduce crime is to fix the goddamn windows. If our ideas are that people dressed as in the image are people who do dumb shit, then when we see someone like that we'll be more likely to try and find something bad about them. Possibly leading to police being called on them just for occupying white spaces (like Starbucks).
Racism is very complicated and powerful. It's more that just the KKK, we all contribute to it. The notion that it is isolated, single events of discrimination by ill-willed people prevents us from making progress. We have to understand ourselves as raced people, and that there is an implied power relationship between different races, and that we need to actively subvert this. Pretending that race isn't a think is harmful to progress against racism. Understanding the effects of what we say as racial actions is important to make progress about racism. Moreover, the fact that it is urban streetwear which is (rightfully or wrongfully) associated with urban minorities means that the overgeneralizations we make about the style are actually overgeneralizations about a race.
Your statements about the nature of racism are outdated. I would recommend reading the book White Fragility (pdf), which is a discussion about race for white people who are typically are resistant to contemporary ideas about race because it is associated with ill-intended actions, and we're all good intended so can't be racist, right? But the truth is that we all do racist things (myself included), and the more stop trying to excuse ourselves and look critically about the real racial relationships that enable inequality, the more we can work against it.
It's often helpful to try to gauge whether the person actually has any willingness to listen to a response. Online screamers are often best ignored. But in person (and sometimes online) I find that if I ask something like, "Did you want to hear my perspective on that, or just to state your position?" in an ABSOLUTELY NEUTRAL WAY, most people feel obliged to listen at least a little. It can't come across critical or sarcastic.
I sometimes start by pointing out that we're hearing more about the harm our words can cause. But that doesn't mean the harm is new.
A lot of the reaction is from people's fears that they will be accused of racism or sexism despite having genuinely good intentions. (If you want to read a book about it, I strongly recommend White Fragility.) I usually respond to that with a driving metaphor:
A good driver knows the rules of the road, knows that different driving is needed in different circumstances for courtesy and safety. // A good boss knows how to treat all employees fairly, knows that the "rules of the road" aren't always exactly what they were in 1970.
Just wanting to be a good driver isn't enough. // Most bosses want to be non-racist, non-sexist, etc. but if they don't learn about diversity, they're probably going to handle it wrong.
Occasional small mistakes on an otherwise good driving record are usually forgiven, although they may still cause harm. // If a boss who is consistently sensitive and fair one day accidentally uses an inadvisable word, takes responsibility for it, and apologizes, chances are good that the boss will be forgiven. That doesn't mean that no harm was done, or that the harm was erased.
Laws and expectations for driving change. Drivers have to change with the times if they expect to be safe and avoid fines. If your town adds roundabouts, you have to learn how to use them. Just intending to be a good driver isn't enough. // The boss needs to know about issues that affect each employee differently. Sometimes a new issue will arise, like a transgender employee. Just like you aren't a good driver if you decide to plow through a roundabout, you're not a good boss if you fail to learn how to treat a transgender employee.
Also, there's a few Barry Deutch cartoons that I sometimes use:
https://www.patreon.com/posts/12255982
https://i1.wp.com/amptoons.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2017/03/racists-are-unicorns.png
https://i1.wp.com/leftycartoons.com/wp-content/uploads/sites/23/2015/09/race-card.png
https://i2.wp.com/leftycartoons.com/wp-content/uploads/sites/23/2008/10/bob-and-race-color.png
https://i0.wp.com/leftycartoons.com/wp-content/uploads/sites/23/2018/05/sexual-assault-saying-no.png
https://i1.wp.com/leftycartoons.com/wp-content/uploads/sites/23/2017/01/trans-special-treatment2.png
Agreed. Here’s a book on the topic:
https://www.amazon.com/White-Fragility-People-About-Racism/dp/0807047414
Also check out: https://www.amazon.com/White-Fragility-People-About-Racism/dp/0807047414
This doesn't sound like a truly open mind and heart to me. When he hears marginalized people (where he puts marginalized in scare quotes) asking him to listen to their viewpoints, he thinks he's being silenced completely. He sounds like he's against being asked to be mindful of his privileges and of the way his actions come across to others and the harm they may cause others.
I am still completely baffled that there's backlash against the idea that we should be more inclusive, that we should listen to voices that are often pushed to the margins, and that we should strive to understand the systems that benefit us that others don't have the benefit of.
&#x200B;
>get ready to be told that:
>
>Disagreement is injury
>
>Books can be condemned by people who haven’t read them
>
>People can be condemned for expressing “hurtful” ideas
>
>Those of us who don’t meet the accepted definition of “marginalized” should be silent to leave more “room” for the marginalized
>
>The UU Ministers’ Association can define the meaning of “responsible” in the Fourth Principle about a “free and responsible search for truth and meaning.”
>
>The UU Principles and Sources need to be examined and revised in favor of something more “covanental”
>
>We who are white need to be careful not to welcome persons of color too warmly into our congregations lest they think “our” means white (a “microaggression”)
>
>The UU hymnals need to be scoured for any references that might not be all-inclusive enough (like Standing on the Side of Love)
>
>If we don’t like something, it’s part of the white supremacy culture
>
>We all need to read White Fragility by Robin DiAngelo even though it makes sweeping generalizations not backed by research
>
>We should not bother reading books like The Gadfly Papers by Rev. Dr. Todd Eklof and The Self-Confessed “White Supremacy Culture” by Dr. Anne Larson Schneider because some people’s feelings might be hurt
>
>White people need to acknowledge their “privilege” and their “benefit” they get from racism and white supremacy
> I'm not sure where our perceptions of victimization come from.
The argument is that the narrative on the left that blames all problems on white men, is itself largely to blame.
The left has been pushing the racial narrative, including race-based policies like affirmative action, for decades.
And the right has been railing against it for decades, as you point out with your examples of Limbaugh and O'Reilly.
But the anti-white, anti-male rhetoric has ramped up in recent years, with the rise in popularity of intersectional theory among liberal activists.
I think bell hooks introduced the term white supremacist capitalist patriarchy, but I hear it constantly from my white liberal friends.
Or Robin Diangelo's concept of white fragility - which they all reference, but none of them have actually read the paper.
I first read it maybe 3-4 years ago, when I first heard a very "woke" friend reference it, and it opened my eyes. I really recommend everyone read that one, to see the dishonest way Diangelo redefines common terms to suit her agenda.
She came out with a book on the same topic recently, which I haven't read. IMO you'll get the idea from the paper.
Now, I think white men can legitimately find this kind of rhetoric to be offensive. Certainly if they are students of history they will see how dangerous it is.
And I wouldn't call that an irrational sense of victimization.
Furthermore, this is all coming from a liberal surrounded by liberals, who never watched O'Reilly except when Jon Stewart made fun of him on the Daily Show. I definitely wasn't talked into this perspective by right-wing hacks.
A lot of people are suggesting self-help books, which isn't a genre I recommend to anyone who is genuinely interested in learning about himself and the world around him. You'll be limited to simple paradigms and formulaic models. The world is not simple and no one really understands it that well, so any book that claims to break it down into a a few categories or a comprehensible graph, must be taken with a grain of salt. You will never see lasting personal growth if you latch on to a pop-psychology formula. Maybe you already know this, I'm mostly reacting to the comments. There is no "one book," but maybe you're just looking for a place to start.
I really like The Lucifer Effect for exploring how some people become evil. This is the guy who did the Stanford Prison Experiment in the 70's.
And since I don't really know what you're looking for, Flow is just awesome for getting motivated to be useful.
Add to that The Lucifer Effect and you have my last few months reading list.
These are some of the most important books I've ever read.
This is a great read if you're really interested in that question
For further reading on the Bad Apple/Bad Barrel dichotomy, check out The Lucifer Effect y Phillip Zimbardo wiki, amazon. It largely deals with the Abu Grabe scandal, but also touches on a few instances from Vietnam.
The Lucifer Effect is about the Stanford Prison Experiment. I stopped reading part way through though - can't remember my exact issue with it, but I think it was a readability thing.
For some really interesting studies about the nature of authority, I recommend:
The Lucifer Effect by Philip Zimbardo (the one responsible for the Stanford prison experiment)
Obedience to Authority by Stanley Milgram (of the Milgram experiment)
The Authoritarians by Bob Altemeyer. The book is freely available at his site.
Agreed. Other historically influential experiments have been distorted through time. After having read The Lucifer Effect, I especially dislike how the Zimbardo experiment is usually framed.
However, I think you overstate the importance of these experiments in actual debates. As the blog post points out, these are anecdotes that are found in introductory textbooks. I trust that more advanced textbooks would be more cautious in their retellings.
I think it's more likely that the reason these stories are oversimplified is because it's easier to fit them into a narrative if you leave out all the caveats. That being said, I'm guessing most Intro Psych professors follow up these discussions with more nuance. They begin with these anecdotes to get the students interested but later talk about the counterarguments.
It's for the same reason debaters will begin a speech with a personal anecdote, dive into actual arguments and statistics, then come back to their original anecdote. Humans can remember information better if that information is part of a coherent narrative. If it helps students learn more about psychology, it might be beneficial to keep the stories as they are, as useful fictions.
I would recommend the book ["the Lucifer effect"] ( http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0812974441/ref=redir_mdp_mobile/182-1403865-1508715) to anyone interested in the psychology of evil. It's truly eye opening
:-) all https://www.amazon.com/We-Learn-Nothing-Tim-Kreider/dp/1439198713 https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B0796QV121/ref=cm_cr_arp_mb_bdcrb_top?ie=UTF8 https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Workbook-Mind-Body-Regaining/dp/1623158249/ref=mp_s_a_1_1_sspa?keywords=ptsd&amp;qid=1550856112&amp;s=gateway&amp;sr=8-1-spons&amp;psc=1 https://www.amazon.com/Gone-Girl-Gillian-Flynn/dp/0307588378/ref=mp_s_a_1_2?keywords=gone+girl&amp;qid=1550856163&amp;s=gateway&amp;sr=8-2 https://www.amazon.com/Witch-Unleashed-Unapologetic-Lisa-Lister/dp/178180754X/ref=mp_s_a_1_10_sspa?keywords=wicca&amp;qid=1550856223&amp;s=gateway&amp;sr=8-10-spons&amp;psc=1 https://www.amazon.com/Witch-Unleashed-Unapologetic-Lisa-Lister/dp/178180754X/ref=mp_s_a_1_10_sspa?keywords=wicca&amp;qid=1550856223&amp;s=gateway&amp;sr=8-10-spons&amp;psc=1 https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0875421180/ref=cm_cr_arp_mb_bdcrb_top?ie=UTF8 https://www.amazon.com/Secret-Diary-Laura-Palmer-Peaks/dp/1543643256 https://www.amazon.com/Twin-Peaks-Dossier-Mark-Frost/dp/1250163307 https://www.amazon.com/Secret-History-Twin-Peaks-Novel/dp/1250075580 offering 8USD via PayPal invoice. Please pm!
My wife liked this one.
http://www.amazon.com/Wicca-A-Guide-Solitary-Practitioner/dp/0875421180/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1342732133&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=wicca
Look, I'll recommend you what I did. It's worth a try and it's a solo attempt. If it doesn't work and you don't come in contact with anything or feel anything, then that's fine. Wiccans have no hell. Basically as an atheist you're only losing out on a cool experience.
Try this book. A lot of free PDFs on the web, but whatevs you prefer. I found it for 6$ at my local library and got it paperback. You can probably find it somewhere near you at the same price.
So in our craft, thing is you try the initiatory ritual Scott talks about and the meditation practice that goes before it to clear your head. Again, it's only about yourself, nobody else will give a shit. Costs close to nothing, too. You put in a little work to make an theological experiment.
And, most of us who are in this, we're here because we tried it, got to experience what I described, found our chill place in the world from a religious pov, got our answers and that's all there is to it.
Life's good, you know? Pity not to try and make it as good for you as you can.
If you don't want to try, that's fine too. Whoever wants to try, you're welcome. Religions with no centralised structure are awesome.
Im just starting too. I went to The labyrinth in Dallas and they pointed me in the direction of these books. So far they are really helping me progress. I converted from Atheism recently. I have always been into mind expansion of every kind, and religion was never a cup of tea. The values of Wicca are quite amazing. Treating nature as sacred instead of taking it for granted rings true to me.
Wicca: A Guide for the Solitary Practitioner (Scott Cunningham)
The best books on witchcraft I know of are Buckland's Complete Book of Witchcraft and Cunningham's Wicca guide. Keep in mind, there are different flavors of Wicca, and it actually incorporates a decent amount of ritual.
Alternatively, I can't recommend Christopher Penczak enough, his writing is easy to understand, he knows his stuff, and he doesn't push particular deities or belief systems as superior to others.
Self-Therapy by Jay Earley
Your quote about my logic brain
makes me think about Internal Family Systems- It's a theory that we have several often conflicting opinions about a situation (you want love, yet fear it) and how we can create harmony amongst the conflict. Sounds hokey but I have done it and have found incredible benefit from it, and even talked my partner into doing it! It's a great accessable book that you can do at your own pace, by yourself or with a friend. Check it out!
source- I work in the mental health field, and am very serious about maintaining my own mental health so I don't negatively affect others.
I'm doing IFS therapy. Boy does it help. Internal Family Systems!
You can find an IFS therapist and do sessions with them via skype for about $150/session, many will do the first one pro bono, just to teach the skills. Also you can learn this method on your own and do it for yourself: Self Therapy
That's my method and its changing things for me.
I think its really, really important to not beat yourself up over "inability to function in the world". I've beaten myself up because I can't get a girlfriend, can't keep a social circle, can't have fun at parties... it was not productive at all.
You're absolutely welcome. I would recommend Self Therapy by Jay Earley. There is also a work book you can do! I'd highly recommend YNAB (You Need a Budget) which is a book and budgeting software. I'm 23 and going through this, if I was 18, I'd do things so differently, and it would start with self knowledge (through the self therapy book) and financial responsibility.
I want to make a point here: I had $10,000+ saved up by the time I was 19. I thought of myself as responsible, which I was at the time, I didn't eat out much, didn't buy many things I didn't need, and so forth. But because I lacked the self knowledge (if you don't know yourself, you can make some stupid decisions like buying things for social status, moving out because you are full of more rage than you are full of planning, etc.) and because I didn't know how to make a budget, I shot myself in the foot.
Do you think it would be possible to order those books (assuming you want them)? I'd be worried about your parents opening the packages. However, Amazon lets you order books to a location that isn't your address (basically they are lockers where your package is delivered, usually somewhere safe like outside a Bank)
I don't know to what extent your parents try to control you, examine your purchases, etc. but do you think you could get access to books like those (again doesn't have to be those specifically) so that you can help yourself heal?
Another route to explore is Internal Family Systems. It’s a form of therapy that you can do on yourself or with a partner. I’ve found it’s almost as powerful as MDMA therapy if you put the time in to do it. And together with MDMA and other medicines I’ve seen a synergistic effect.
The book linked below is an excellent place to start. Even after reading the first chapter or two you should be able to start using it. (Just read the reviews if you need to get yourself excited!). Wishing you and your partner the best of luck. You’ve got this!
Self-Therapy: A Step-By-Step Guide to Creating Wholeness and Healing Your Inner Child Using IFS, A New, Cutting-Edge Psychotherapy, 2nd Edition https://www.amazon.com/dp/0984392777/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_HT1YDbYWK2YFG
My therapist works with the method also described in this book https://www.amazon.com/Self-Therapy-Step-Step-Cutting-Edge-Psychotherapy/dp/0984392777/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?crid=15U7E1FOU8Y2U&amp;keywords=self+therapy+jay+earley&amp;qid=1554523698&amp;s=gateway&amp;sprefix=self+th&amp;sr=8-1
For me it is really helpful, especially because it focuses on solution and not on the problems.
Give it a try, perhaps the book is even enough for you, or then you know what kind of therapist can help you. And in the worst case you spent 17$ for nothing.
It took me 42 years to realise, that I can feel better. And seeing some success is a huge motivation for me to continue.
I have half of my life behind me, so at least I want to have the second half of my life a good life. I f...ing deserve it. And so do you, I hope you reach this goal faster than I did.
OP, I bet that this book would help you: https://www.amazon.com/dp/0984392777/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_u-l9Ab2C7R6R1
This is a video of Oliver Sacks talking about the effect music has on Alzheimers. It's absolutely fascinating. The books that he's speaking on the subject of Musicophilia is an excellent read.
This will probably never make it near the top over all the memes and puns but what he is experiencing is likely due to overactivity in the parts of the brain that deal with interpreting musice and possibly even a medical condition. It is too bad 60 minutes didn't even remotely explore that angle. Oliver sacks wrote a whole book about this type of thing
I found The Selfish Gene by Richard Dawkins to be fascinating. A couple of other books I read recently that I thought were really good are The Drunkard's Walk by Leonard Mlodinow (it's about probability in our daily lives) and Musicophilia by Oliver Sacks.
You should read this book: http://www.amazon.com/Musicophilia-Tales-Music-Revised-Expanded/dp/1400033535/ref=sr_1_2/177-3864365-2704134?ie=UTF8&amp;s=books&amp;qid=1265580858&amp;sr=1-2
He does some studies on people who hear music constantly or become instant music savants. It's quite interesting.
If you want more information about this, read This Is Your Brain On Music by Daniel J. Levitin. Another cool one is Musicophilia by Dr. Oliver Sacks, but that one is more about brain disorders that cause very strange music-related phenomenon. Like the inability to detect pitch, or sense melody, and other weird stuff.
maybe check out these books: http://www.amazon.com/This-Your-Brain-Music-Obsession/dp/0452288525 http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1400033535/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_dp_ss_1?pf_rd_p=1944579862&amp;pf_rd_s=lpo-top-stripe-1&amp;pf_rd_t=201&amp;pf_rd_i=0452288525&amp;pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&amp;pf_rd_r=1M279DEH4CSSGMJ08BVZ
Musical experience is the sum experience of many different parts of the brain cooperating. Essentially, the sonic characteristics of music activate many different parts of the brain that are involved in rhythm, pitch resolution, as well as speech, pleasure, emotion, motivation, etc., so it's a holistic effect of many parts of your brain.
However, one of the key areas activated is the amygdala, an area that is deeply involved with a lot of "lizard brain" stuff, like emotional reactions and memory. The chills you get from music (when your "hackles rise") originate from there (as well as a number of other related brain systems).
If you're interested in this topic, you may want to read the book Musicophilia by Oliver Sacks, a neurologist. Interesting stuff.
For a more in-depth, technical look at it, read the Wikipedia article on the cognitive neuroscience of music.
I would read musicophilia and this is your brain on music. I found them to be both fascinating and full of information on earworms.
That is incredible. Have you read Oliver Sack's Musicphilia? I haven't yet but it's high on my list.
The great Oliver Sacks has dedicated an entire chapter of his latest book to this argument, it's very intriguing.
on amazon
OP, I think you'd enjoy Oliver Sack's Musicophilia, it's quite an interesting read. It doesn't talk about music from an evolutionary standpoint (that I remember), but a from psychological perspective. It should be easy to find at a library.
Check out this book, it's awesome. Fascinating stuff on music and the brain.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1400033535/ref=mp_s_a_6?pi=SL75&amp;qid=1347572917&amp;sr=8-6
Really good book on neuroscience. A very easy and interesting read. I would recommend it for any music lover too.
Right, but "imperfect models" do not help us predict black swans (as Taleb calls them), which are highly improbable events which have a huge impact. Trying to predict these events (the Great Depression, 2008 financial crisis, etc.), or trying to prevent them, is arguably the basis for having a field of economics in the first place. Since these events keep happening, it's clear that either 1) economists have no idea what's going on, or 2) they do, but the big/central banks are causing the problems and spreading misinformation through economists.
The great thing about decentralized currencies is: now we'll get to do real, controlled economic experiments where we have access to all the data! These are exciting times we live in.
I am also totally dumbfounded by why some inane things have such a profound societal impact. I stumbled on this book a few years back and enjoyed it thoroughly.
try this one:
The Black Swan: The Impact of the Highly Improbable
http://www.amazon.com/dp/1400063515/?tag=googhydr-20&amp;hvadid=2707650257&amp;ref=pd_sl_43e5taom08_b
I'm going to guess no, simply based on something I read in The Black Swan, by Nassim Taleb. The subject matter was different entirely, but he references a study done by Prof. Sir Michael Berry, which apparently measured the force a single electron located 10 billion light years away, could exert on a billiards table here on Earth.
An excerpt from the book, as well as a link to a .pdf of Berry's paper can be found here. I don't claim to have read the entire paper, nor can I claim to have completely understood what I did read, but it would seem that if there is any effect from something so small at such a distance, there could be no place in this universe where an object was "under absolutely no gravitational force."
I used to read all kinds of fiction but over the years I have switched to non-fiction almost exclusively. I enjoy reading textbooks more than about anything (how I wish I had that desire when I was in high school!)
The following books are three of the most enlightening books I have read in the past few years.
Honorable mentions include:
Freakonomics, :59 Seconds, The Wisdom of Crowds, Taken Into Custody, Griftopia, The Shock Doctrine, Everything Bad is Good for You, and (probably the most scary book I have ever read) The Coming Plague: Newly Emerging Diseases In A World Out Of Balance
I'm almost finished with The Black Swan by Nassim Nicholas Taleb and I'd recommend that one also if you wanted to keep with the sociology type theme. Taleb mentions Gladwell's Blink in his work also. I guess I will be reading some Gladwell next.
I think this is extremely interesting and could have major implications when it comes to predictive validity of selection tests.
I wonder if Herman Aguinas recently read this.
http://www.amazon.com/Black-Swan-Impact-Highly-Improbable/dp/1400063515
That book was really the first time I heard someone articulate the issues with assuming a Gaussian distribution at all times.
Thoughts?
Many, but here's 3:
The Black Swan: The Impact of the Highly Improbable
It sounds like someone has been reading the Black Swan.
Related:
http://reddit.com/info/n9nt/comments
No, I did everything in my head at first. Then, during conversations with friends, I would sort of try out what I was thinking on them without admitting that it was coming from my own introspection. For example, I would make general comments about the way I think people should be. After I gained enough confidence, I told my story to younger friends who were going through shit. This helped me reinforce it to myself (in order to remember specifically what it was that bugged me), but I also applied it to friends' situations when I could. In fact, I think their shitty situations, if similar to my former insecurities, helped me remember certain specifics. (Sorry--that came off like a rant...I hope that made sense.)
I'm a fan of validity and logic, but only if a person is ready for it. People aren't very logical, but it's something I believe is nice to strive for. I read The Black Swan on the cusp of my new-found comfort and there was a chapter about theoretical people who Taleb (the writer) referred to as 'epistemocrats' who are very introspective, and, thus, had more robust knowledge about things and themselves, which made the theoretical society in which they lived much better. I feel like that is what I did, and reading about this notion after my whole 'epistemocratic', psychological housecleaning, was a nice sort of affirmation (not that I needed it.) :)
Do you think your boyfriend might be contributing to your insecurity? How often does he point out nice things you do? I don't know your situation at all, so don't take my words to heart. I would assume you're being a bit hyperbolic when you say he points out everything you do wrong. However, I was in a baaaaad relationship during my mid-twenties that made everything a lot worse than it should have been. (Not to say that you are.)
blink is awesome if you want a popular book by Malcolm Gladwell.
If you want a more obscure and more technical book, buy Fooled by Randomness. The same author also wrote Black Swan but Fooled by Randomness is more technical and perhaps would be more to his liking.
See here or here or read this book, which I am currently reading.
Our brains are wired this way. That's why we vastly overestimate things like stranger rape and abduction, when in reality the vast majority of rapes and abductions are committed by people that the victim knows.
What about those authors who write best-seller books about business theories, treads and stuff? They thought about their ideas for a long time while observing the world, right? They constructed a theory about their observations, right? Don't you think that whole enterprise is philosophical in nature?
I doubt you could say it's "exclusively" philosophy but philosophy and it's methods are quite applicable in this context and the influence of philosophical ideas are certainly there.
Here I found one:
http://www.amazon.com/Black-Swan-Impact-Highly-Improbable/dp/1400063515
This sounds way more exciting than the book!
I agree with your mindset but I guess it all comes down to self-awareness. Everything is relative really. In my shoes though, I believe one needs passion + perseverance in order to succeed. (Also, I'm not sure if you have had any programming experience but assuming you haven't sat down for at least 10 hours and practiced, you'll find out why you need a bit of passion if you try, lol :P) Check out the book Grit for more info on this subject - https://www.amazon.com/Grit-Passion-Perseverance-Angela-Duckworth/dp/1501111108
Definitely not reveling in others' misfortune. More like becoming more empathetic to others' struggles and realizing that suffering is universal, and most importantly, realizing that it doesn't have to break you. I am not religious, but Buddhism has some really great things to say on this topic. Peace Is Every Step by Thich Nhat Hanh was really helpful to me, along with a few other Buddhist books. How to Be Sick by Toni Bernhard has a lot of great tools and practical advice. I read it with someone else in mind but found it invaluable for myself.
Please check out Thich Nhat Hanh. Here are some of my favorite CDs.
http://www.amazon.com/Present-Moment-Retreat-Practice-Mindfulness/dp/159179126X/ref=sr_1_6?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1394927822&amp;sr=1-6&amp;keywords=Thich+Nhat+Hanh
http://www.amazon.com/Mindful-Living-Thich-Nhat-Hanh/dp/1591790891/ref=sr_1_12?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1394927822&amp;sr=1-12&amp;keywords=Thich+Nhat+Hanh
Favorite books
http://www.amazon.com/Miracle-Mindfulness-Introduction-Practice-Meditation/dp/0807012394/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1394928117&amp;sr=1-3
http://www.amazon.com/Peace-Every-Step-Mindfulness-Everyday/dp/0553351397/ref=sr_1_4?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1394928162&amp;sr=1-4
This Book has been great to me. It applies Buddhist philosophy to modern Western living without discussing any sort of dogma. Can't recommend it enough.
Acne - Visit a dermatologist and ask to be put on Accutane. It may take 4-8 months of treatment, but you will probably be acne-free for the rest of your life. If the acne is gone, your social confidence will be greatly improved. I know, because I once had horrible acne on my face, shoulders, and back that crippled my sociability. Accutane changed that.
Working out - Yes, it can be hard creating a workout program and sticking with it. But if you can find a way to motivate yourself into working out every day or every other day, your quality of life will improve. You'll have more energy, you'll have a more positive attitude during the day, and watching your gut diminish is incredibly rewarding. I'd start jogging on the treadmill or an elliptical every day for two miles or so. A few years ago I weighed about 230 pounds. During the summer months, I went about two miles a day on the treadmill and reduced my food consumption. I lost 25 pounds. I had more energy and more drive in life. It may not solve all your apathy problems, but it will certainly target them and make all your other tasks in life more doable. And listen to your favorite music that gets you pumped up while exercising. Seriously, it helps a lot. And consider changing your diet. I have cut out soda and avoid eating fatty, greasy, fried food whenever I can. Substituting those foods for things like fruits and lettuce may not sound very appealing at first, but once you become consistent in a healthier diet the shitty food you once loved will look and taste repulsive. This will help you lose weight and you'll feel better overall as you satisfy your body's need for proper nutrition.
Meditation - Doing this for a few minutes a day has probably been the single greatest thing I've done for myself my entire life. Here's a book I want you to read:
http://www.amazon.com/Peace-Every-Step-Mindfulness-Everyday/dp/0553351397
It's called "Peace is Every Step" by Thich Nhat Hanh, a Vietnamese Buddhist Monk who currently lives in France. This book is short and you could probably read it in a day or two. If you follow the recommendations on how to practice the breathing and mindfulness meditations, you will see benefits that I cannot truly describe with words. Here's a dharma talk Nhat Hanh gave a few years ago (skip to about 30 minutes in when he starts to talk). Practice the breathing meditation while listening to this - it's a great way to start.
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=4018343704501897813
I know it might sound hard to believe, but the reason these traditions have lasted for thousands of years is because there is something real and beneficial to them, a truly tangible benefit in your day-to-day life. If you have any questions about technique, please message me. I'd be happy to help.
Suicide - Do not do this. The amount of pain and suffering you will unleash upon others is too severe for anyone to imagine who has not lost a loved on this way. My older brother killed himself about three years ago when I was 16. My mother still cries every day and has to take anti-depression pills to get by. Killing yourself produces far more pain in the world than trying to live and struggle against your own apathy and depression. I know that these things torture you on the inside, but you have to realize that the internalized state of depression is just that; internal. You have the capacity to change yourself and overcome this. Friendship and love can be had by anyone who is willing to put the work in to transform their self into one ready to both give and receive this love.
Social life - I do not think that this can be achieved simply by trying to "be more social." Becoming more social is not something that one can set out to do; rather, it is a consequence of internal transformation. The things I have listed above have helped me learn to love life, even though I found myself in a similar situation like yours in the past. I cannot guarantee they will work for you, but there's nothing to lose by trying to follow through with them.
I have great faith that you can get yourself out of this rut. Everyone can. It's a matter of knowing what to do and realizing that your life is precious and beautiful and that it's worth fighting for.
I've been getting through a book that touches on how our "minds" or will can change the physical structure of the brain, and has some discussion of this on people with OCD. (Check out the book: The Mind and The Brain) In this book, the people with OCD describe their experience as feeling like there is a part of them outside of the compulsion that sees the whole thing as illogical or silly, much like you do. This part of you is the "mindful observer". Point is, this is something you can work with if it is bothering you, and you may need someone to help you.
Seek out professional help if you think you need it, and read up on CBT and mindfulness. Research on mindfulness meditation (and the Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) Class) and what I read in this book has convinced me that mindfulness work is worth a try and that people can make changes to their own behaviors. See article: MBSR alters grey matter EDIT: Here is a pdf of the actual research on MBSR: PDF
A good start are the books: Mindfulness in Plain English (free online!), and Peace is Every Step
I've taken the MBSR class myself and it has made a big difference in the way I deal with stress and the way I worry about things. Perhaps there is a class in your area? The above books reinforce a lot of what I learned in the class, and I find that when I keep up with mindfulness either formally or informally, it is a great help. The class is useful in that it helps you commit to activities that reduce stress and experience a variety of techniques (ex: sitting meditation, "body scanning", yoga, walking meditation, etc.)
Check out r/meditation or r/30daysit sometime, if you like. It is a little bit of work to learn it and keep a daily practice, I hope you find something that works for you! : )
Thich Nhat Hanh is a great source of wisdom. I've always been a fan of his book Peace is Every Step.
Oh man, I could recommend so many.
Kung Fu and Taoism:
The Making of a Butterfly is one of my favorite books. It is about a white kid who starts learning Kung Fu out of a Chinese master's basement back in the 70s, well before Kung Fu was popularized in the West.
Chronicles of Tao by Deng Ming Dao is excellent, a narrative perspective of how Taoism intertwines with the life of a Kung Fu practitioner.
American Shaolin by Matthew Polly is an entertaining and illuminating story that disseminates a lot of the mysticism surrounding the Shaolin Temple.
The Crocodile and the Crane is a fun fictional book that is basically about Tai Chi saving the world from a zombie apocalypse.
My next goal is to tackle The Romance of the Three Kingdoms.
Of course, I highly recommend the Tao Te Ching and the Art of War as well.
Buddhism: I highly recommend anything Thich Nhat Hanh. Anger and Peace is Every Step are two of my favorites.
Karate and Japanese Arts:
Moving Toward Stillness by Dave Lowry is one of my favorite books, taken from his columns in Black Belt Magazine over the years. A really excellent study on Japanese arts and philosophy.
Miyamoto Musashi: His Life and Writings by Kenji Tokitsu is wonderful. It includes the Book of Five Rings as well as some of Musashi's other works, including many of his paintings.
The 47 Ronin, by John Allyn, a dramatization of the Genroku Ako Incident, is still quite poignant in 2016.
Wait 'til you are 61 and you will feel like your life has gone too fast. However, you might try reading this.
Our brains learn through association. If I say the word "dog", you immediately think of the closest association to the sound or text "dog", it could be your pet, your favorite dog, or a general image of a dog. The more we repeatedly reference these associations, the stronger they become, and can possibly become part of the subconscious mind like knowing how to walk.
Now, I used to have OCD, but not anymore. I'll tell you a bit about how it works since it could help others, and maybe even those with depression.
OCD is a loop where you have a really bad experience and try not to think about it. However, the brain doesn't work like that. It works through association. If you say "don't think about pink elephants", you'll think about pink elephants for a while. With negative emotions, it's even worse because it frustrates you and makes it feel hopeless when you can't forget. The way out is to realize that and just give up on trying to "forget" something. Once you do that, and continue doing what you want to do, OCD quietly goes away. Also, if you're angry at "X" experience, you also need to remove that anger because otherwise that anger will sneak up on you when you least expect it.
I never had depression, but perhaps you can apply some of what I said above.
Also, I highly recommend keeping a physical or online journal of all your virtues, vices, and beliefs. It's basically a list of all the things you believe and want to remember. Humans forget without constant reflection, that's why I keep a list of all my beliefs. It helps me from making the same mistakes in the past. I also keep a list of all the things I'm thankful for, which I update whenever I think of something new.
Finally, I strongly recommend reading this book called "Peace is Every Step: The Path of Mindfulness in Everyday Life" by Thich Nhat Hanh. It has insanely high reviews on Amazon, and it changed my life. It talks about being more mindful in a society that is so busy with stuff. He also talks about how you can be mindful of the present instead of constantly worrying about the past or the future. There's definitely more to it, so please read this book if you need help with living a better life.
Here's a link
https://www.amazon.com/Peace-Every-Step-Mindfulness-Everyday/dp/0553351397
If you want to get interested in Zen, I suggest reading a couple books. Books will give you a good idea of what to expect and probably give you some positive motivation to get going.
I recommend books by Alan Watts and Thich Nhat Hahn. They have been very influencial for me.
Peace is Every Step by Thich Nhat Hahn
The Way of Zen by Alan Watts
The most important thing is practicing. It is easy to see the path but it is an entirely different thing to actually walk the path. Try sitting down on your couch and meditating for five minutes. If you need instructions you can find talks given by Gil Fronsdal that will guide you at Audio Dharma
For regulating emotions I would recommend Taming the Tiger Within: Meditations on Transforming Difficult Emotions also as a primer for meditation in general I like handing out Peace is Every Step
> I've heard of 'mindfulness' but haven't really looked into it.
Mindfulness is basically the act of being present in the current moment. Not worrying about the future or ruminating over the past, but being at peace with where we are right now; present within our body and breath. Given how our minds are trained to work from the time we are children, mindfulness to a lot of westerners is a sort of meditation. But one we can experience as we go about our daily lives.
One of my greatest heroes is Thich Nhat Hanh, a Zen Buddhist monk and author. He writes a lot about mindfulness and does it in a really human, immediate way that feels like sitting down with a sweet, humble man who is telling stories about his life. I highly recommend his book Peace is Every Step. It's one of the most pleasurable reads on mindfulness because it's more of a 'show don't tell' book where he talks about finding mindfulness in everyday life activities such as washing the dishes or listening to the ringing of a phone.
Could read this whopper of a book coming in at 137 pages.
Thich Nhat Hanh's Peace Is Every Step has a lot of nice bits of outlook and meditation and daily mindfulness that are really peaceful and uplifting.
Depression is dangerous though, so if this keeps up make sure to talk about it to people that care about you and seek professional help.
This article was written by my teacher and is titled "Practicing Buddhism in daily life". There's also some fantastic "Related Posts" at the bottom, too.
If you're looking for an actual book to acquire and read, I'd suggest Peace is Every Step by Thich Nhat Hanh
Yeah, I'd suggest a simple book like this. It outlines basic daily mindfulness that a person can do. Great for getting things started!
https://www.amazon.com/Peace-Every-Step-Mindfulness-Everyday/dp/0553351397/ref=sr_1_2?keywords=everyday+mindfulness+thich&qid=1572270253&sr=8-2
Of course. There is peace in every step.
Your ego is killing you. Read this, take notes, and come back when you're done:
Ego is the Enemy by Ryan Holiday
> I feel unwanted, unloved, replaceable.
You have to learn to accept yourself before anyone else in the world will give a shit about you. If you think you're weak, unlovable, worthless... well, why would anyone disagree? I'm not going to lie, it is a long and agonizingly difficult process to accept yourself for who you are without reservations. But it's the only way out of that black hole of self-loathing. Another book that can set you on the right path:
Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach
Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach (Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With the Heart of a Buddha) get the audio book - I’ve found this great for people who are afflicted by anxiety. I have the audiobook and then loved it so much I got the paperback version as well. She’s just great in general and there’s a section on dealing with a parent with NPD.
Op, you are worthy, you are loved and you matter.
Yes, this is a very common occurrence when you begin therapy. You're digging into the places that hurt, like a wound long closed but not healed. You need to open the wound to get the festering parts out, and that is painful and anxiety making.
Maybe you can ask your therapist to help you find another therapist who is in-network? When I started my therapy journey, I had two or sometimes three sessions a week. That only lasted for two or three months, but that initial work was very intensive and necessary.
Also, you may want to ask your therapist if some medication might help. It doesn't have to be forever. I took an SRSI when I was initially diagnosed with what we thought was OCD, but turned out to be C-PTSD and an anxiety disorder. I took it for a year and it did help during that initial period. After that, I didn't need it any longer. Today I take an anxiety medication only as needed.
Also, have you ever tried meditation? I've recently been reading Radical Acceptance, which is written by a woman who is a PHD therapist and a Buddhist meditation teacher. She has some great guided meditations in the book that might help until you can find more resources.
https://www.amazon.com/Radical-Acceptance-Embracing-Heart-Buddha/dp/0553380990
But overall, your fears are reasonable. Your body is reacting as its been programmed. But you can reprogram it to respond in a more healthy way. Listen to your body and try to be as gentle with yourself as you can. Hang in there, and keep us updated!
Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With the Heart of a Buddha https://www.amazon.com/dp/0553380990/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_RAO5AbVQVP06D
> I gave in to these feelings
No, you did not "give into those feelings", they arose involuntarily as a byproduct of factors you have no control over, like the evolutionary psychology and physical body you were born with, the culture you were born into, the individual circumstances of the life you were born into and other people's actions which affect you even though you have no control over them.
>I am still trying to extricate myself
Again, this is the wrong way to look at it, and consequently the wrong way to go about it. Since you're feelings are involuntarily imposed upon you by factors outside of your control, trying to extricate yourself from them is like trying to convince yourself raw broccoli tastes like Nutella and that chocolate tastes like soot & ash. This is the same reason that "pornography addiction" only affects people who have a paradigm of based on shame and guilt which pulls them into a shame-spiral of inadequacy. It's the same way as his when I shout "Whatever you do, don't you dare think about elephants!", of course you're going to think about elephants, and if I can demonstrate anyone in your family and community knew that you were thinking about elephants, they'd be disgusted, disappointed, ashamed and mistrustful of you. This is exactly the sort of situation our involuntary, hardwired evolutionary psychology evolved to avoid, all of the way to the point where even if we can be 100% certain that we are right and our family and community is wrong, we will still outwardly conform ourselves to them in order to avoid rejection and isolation, and sometime even change our internal beliefs in order to avoid the pain of congnitive dissonance.
Now imagine that you had been indoctrinated to believe that you had a sky-father who could see everything you do and hear all of your involuntary thoughts, and you've got the social-psychological foundation of "the atonement". It's a mechanism of social control which is itself a byproduct of evolution.
So the solution is not the fruitless attempt to supress or remove your feelings -that will only intensify those feelings by heightening the focus you place on them, and raising stakes around "succeeding" in extricating yourself from them to the point where you are metaphorically running around in a circle, screaming a mantra of "I will not think about elephants! I WILL NOT THINK ABOUT ELEPHANTS!! IWILLNOTTHINKABOUTELEPHANTS!!!" until you collapse in a sobbing heap and repeat the cycle the next day.
The good news for you is that their is a way out of this trap and forward in your life to greater and better things by acknowledging your feelings as they arise and then allowing them to dissipate, like the cresting of successive waves that you can ride out the flow of them into tranquility instead of frantically paddling against them until you get exhausted and drown. It's called radical acceptance (take a moment and read that link right now). You can learn about it from multiple sources, but I recommend that you listen to this podcast episode and check out this book as good examples. Don't worry, you won't have to accept any supernatural or superstitious beliefs or stories, and won't be encouraged to. It's wholly secular.
Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach is an absolutely amazing book on self love and accepting what is. I picked it up after Tim Ferriss recommended it on his podcast.
You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay is pretty much *the* book on self love.
Radical Acceptance, by Tara Brach, is fantastic and directly on point. She's a Buddhist teacher and a psychologist.
Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy is the most practically helpful book I ever read. It teaches you how to use cognitive behavioral therapy by yourself.
I think I've seen comments before on this sub (maybe another?) about the book Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach. It's a guide to mindfulness and meditation. The general idea is that if you learn to be aware and accepting of how your mental and emotional states manifest physically in your body you can avoid giving in to fear and anxiety associated with pain, discomfort, or negative emotions. I highly recommend it (amazon link there: http://www.amazon.com/Radical-Acceptance-Embracing-Heart-Buddha/dp/0553380990/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1451504299&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=radical+acceptance).
Tara Brach also has a website with free guided meditations that I've found to be very helpful: https://www.tarabrach.com/.
Another book recommendation, for what it's worth - and if it isn't the book for you = only 13 bucks.
https://www.amazon.com/Radical-Acceptance-Embracing-Heart-Buddha/dp/0553380990/ref=sr_1_1?crid=18BLJTWLGH25E
It sounds like you have been mainly "functioning" the past year (a good thing), and with time have now reached a point where you can start "processing".
I found the book hard to read at first because it hit so close to home, however once I got past that it really helped me to open up to myself.
It did not magically fix anything, but I am now occasionally able to sit on my couch and have the mountain of accumulated sh*t sit next to me.
We are not friends, but is also no longer this hidden unseen threatening lurking huge blob. I accept that it exists, ergo it is no longer as much of a threat. Processing it won't be easy, but will be way healthier than having it festering under the scar tissue.
Also - in relation to your kid: My big festering blob did not fall from the sky, I am fairly sure by that I inherited big lumps of it from my parents, and indeed their parents; not intentionally at all - they were all doing their best to survive, but because THEY never got to the stage where they could process their own blob, it wound up in the next generation.
If you manage to make yours a little smaller through acceptance, compassion and yes - unpleasant hard emotional work, you will at least reduce the size of the blob you hand down to your child.
https://www.historynet.com/buddha-enlightened-warrior.htm
Radical Acceptance.
http://www.amazon.com/Radical-Acceptance-Embracing-Heart-Buddha/dp/0553380990
http://www.bipolarsjuk.se/pdf/Handbook%20in%20DBT%20Group.pdf
See page 71 of the PDF.
Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.
The past is in the past. What matters is what you are doing today to improve your life. I'm proud of you. Good luck to you.
Mara is a name/title for one of the lower heaven-kings. He was said to be one of Shakyamuni Buddha's tempters to dissuade him from awakening while he sat under the bodhi tree. In sutras, he's characterized as a being too caught up in desire to practice the dharma in his current life, and at times will try to dissuade others from it as well.
On a micro-level, I'm using his title here to describe beliefs and impulses that drive me to unskillful or harmful behavior, such as the need to imagine what people think about me (it's usually not good). In cognitive behavioral therapy, this might fall under "fortune-telling" and "mind-reading", even though we obviously can't know with 100% certainty what will happen or what people are thinking.
I read somewhere that dealing with recurring issues should be like "inviting Mara for tea"; instead of suppressing bad habits and thoughts, give it a compassionate space to hear it out, try to understand what it believes and why.
Depending on a lot of things, this experience may be too shocking to handle without guidance, though. If seeing a mental health professional is not affordable at the moment, at least try seeing if this book is available at the library:
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0553380990/ref=pd_aw_sbs_14_1?ie=UTF8&amp;dpID=416XVNN6NRL&amp;dpSrc=sims&amp;preST=_AC_UL100_SR100%2C100_&amp;psc=1&amp;refRID=V3T70FYAXD25W0KF59JG
Just like another user suggested, Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach may help here.
I don't really know what to recommend for you as far as practice goes, since it depends on the kind of person you are. A good recommendation was metta, and I'm the type to relate less to abstract concepts and more to qualities I can visualize in compassionate beings, so I recite names and mantras. It's about which practice(s) you have an affinity for.
I tried not to overwhelm myself though. I started with one practice (Amitabha Buddha's name) with one focus (Pureland), which still remains my foundation. Others maintain one practice for the rest of their lives. I would recommend being patient and realistic with yourself while exploring.
Don't worry if you feel like your mind is not disciplined enough yet. Regular practice and study will make you more disciplined. If you have issues with mental illness, that is something to consider. In my experience, occult practice accentuates or intensifies mental health issues and problems in thought. However, at the same time, the practices also make you more equipped to deal with those problems. So there's a balance.
There will be those who disagree with me, but I think that for someone in your position (i.e. concerned about mental stability and potential side effects of occult work), Chaos Magick is not the best choice. Because the system lacks much structure or rigidity, it's possible that things might start happening before you're ready to deal with them. I would recommend a ceremonial system, so that you begin by learning how to protect and stabilize yourself.
I recommend reading through Modern Magick and see how you like it.
In no particular order, I recommend you read
Those should be enough to get you started.
AMORC look really good but I have been told they lack practical magical work. You may also like to work through a book such as Modern Magick by Kraig https://www.amazon.com/Modern-Magick-Twelve-Lessons-Magickal/dp/0738715786
Sure Modern Magick
Cheap too! It’s a large book, about A4 sized
https://www.amazon.com/Modern-Magick-Twelve-Lessons-Magickal/dp/0738715786
Donald Michael Kraigs Modern Magick
Donald Tysons Magicians Workbook
Jason Newcombs The New Hermetics
You can find copies at libgen.io
first post long time lurker I have been following the GD tradition for over a decade so i can shed my own personal viewpoint if that helps. I believe that everyone who practices the occult in any way, shape or form should pick and choose what he or she likes. That being said if you follow the GD system to its conclusion you can and will have a strong base of occult knowledge. You could also join the OTO, AA, BOTA or a number of other groups where you will find credible, proven systems that work for those operating it. No one system is right or wrong. So pick what you like and dedicate yourself to it.
I enjoy the GD work because it provides a strong framework for me when i write my own rituals. There are a number of magical systems within the walls of most legitimate GD Temples which gives you a good platform for your future. If you are blessed to live within driving distance of one you should, if you are interested, seek them out.
The system itself is well put together and incorporates a system that works if you apply it. However, the problem with any social organization is always its members. You will, whether in school, temple, work, sports, or any other group/social activity, inevitably run into assholes. You will also run into amazing, loving, smart, wise, intelligent, caring, powerful people and every other mindset you can imagine in human form. So meet with the group first and see if you like them regardless of its affiliation.
If you are not near a GD temple never fear you can self initiate at home! It does take some work and dedication but you can learn and do everything you need from whats out there in print right now. Some of the books I would look at to begin with are probably from the author [Israel Regardie] (http://www.amazon.com/Israel-Regardie/e/B000APBPWM/ref=sr_tc_2_0?qid=1376711546&amp;sr=8-2-ent). More specifically [this book] (http://www.amazon.com/Golden-Dawn-Teachings-Ceremonies-Llewellyns/dp/0875426638/ref=sr_1_1s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1376711553&amp;sr=1-1) would be a good place to start in conjunction with [this book] (http://www.amazon.com/Modern-Magick-Twelve-Lessons-Magickal/dp/0738715786) as a compliment.
There are modern temples run in many parts of the world but one of the major ones are run by the [Cicero's] (http://www.hermeticgoldendawn.com/) a quick google search will find you everything you need about the major groups in existence today. Try not to get too hung up on lineage and drama within the bubble of GD, there are good occult groups and bad judge for yourself what is right for you.
I apologize in advance for my grammar, lack of reddit know how, and general newness to the community I hope you got something out of my rant.
Initiation into Hermetics by Franz Bardon
Modern Magick: Donald Kraig
The Doctrine and Ritual of High Magic by Eliphas Levi
Words to the wise by Manly Hall
That should keep you busy for a while.
I highly recommend Modern Magick by Donald Kraig. It was recommended to me when I first started out. :)
Also, check out The History of the Occult Tarot by Ronald Decker. It contains plenty of good overview/perspectives of thought.
Lastly, I just recently read Thelema: An Introduction to the Life, Work & Philosophy of Aleister Crowley by Colin Campbell The book is a great introduction to Thelema.
Do all the exercises in this book. Then you'll know more and maybe have some experience. Take it slow.
Therapy is a personal journey and you should find what works for you. Start reading and educating yourself and find out what resonates with you. For me the starting point was reading this book: https://www.amazon.com/dp/0757303234 . I've been doing shit loads of therapy. From one-on-one traditional therapy sessions to intense retreats. Good luck!
Oh god yes. I confessed all the time. I went on my mission without a whole lot of conviction but during it did my best to obey so I could be worthy of the spirit and a testimony. Boy, was this a perfect recipe for psychological distress. I constantly wondered whether my thoughts were prompting from the spirit or not and I always wondered why I wasn't getting the testimony and burning conviction I'd been promised. "Well, better step it up," I'd think. Probably because I spent 45 minutes instead of 30 minutes writing email. Probably because I thought sexual thoughts. Probably because I had Josh Groban on my iPod. And later, probably because I have an iPod. I kept stepping it up. I wanted so bad to be worthy of god's prompting and dod everything I could to merit it. When I didn't measure up to these unrealistically high expectations, I would step it up. I was ALWAYS confessing and whenever I felt a huge wave of relief, I would think it was the spirit. Nope. Just OCD. I would "sin" like maybe seeing something scandalous on late-nite TV that was sexually arousing. But I wouldn't feel guilty about it, true contrition. So I took seriously D&C " 42 Behold, he who has repented of his sins, the same is forgiven, and I, the Lord, remember them no more.
43 By this ye may know if a man repenteth of his sins—behold, he will confess them and forsake them." So I would confess in order to create embarrassment, shame and guilt so that I could feel godly sorry and truly repent of my seems because after all "...our words will condemn us, yea, all our works will condemn us; we shall not be found spotless; and our thoughts will also condemn us; and in this awful state we shall not dare to look up to our God; and we would fain be glad if we could command the rocks and the mountains to fall upon us to hide us from his presence." (Alma 12:14)
OCD/Scrupulosity can be a real bitch but it is possible to overcome.of this, I testify (without hesitation). : ) It will take work. Expect to do a lot of reading. In addition to these books below, I recommend finding a therapist.
Learning about mindfulness really helped. I recommend this book: https://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-Eight-Week-Finding-Peace-Frantic-ebook/dp/B005NJ2T1G.
I also recommend this: http://www.amazon.com/Wherever-You-Go-There-Are/dp/1401307787.
This: http://www.amazon.com/You-Are-Not-Your-Brain/dp/1583334831
This: http://www.amazon.com/Leaving-Fold-Marlene-Winell/dp/1933993235
And this one:http://www.amazon.com/Healing-Shame-Binds-Recovery-Classics/dp/0757303234
That Mormon Stories podcast really helped me. I think there's a few of them. It put a name to something I'd just thought was normal. I just remember thinking "That's me!" If only someone had had the wherewithal to say "Young man, all this confessing isn't ok. Let's get you some help." I was consumed by guilt and shame all the time, never measuring up. So I'd step it up. The idea of "worthiness" was incredibly harmful to me. We are all worthy of love, of respect, and acceptance.
I also struggled with assertiveness so for what it's worth here's a discussion and some book recommendations and a discussion from last week.
Recovery is possible. I have completely gotten over all that guilt. I learned o get over that nagging guilty feeling or even that feeling like "oh shit! I left the stove on". I've had so many of those. But now I don't. I just started ignoring them. "Fuck it. Let my house burn down." What I once thought was the spirit, I now know was just my brain. Now I don't feel that. My brain has rewires so that those feelings don't come up anymore. And now I have done everything I always feared and "far worse"--I've had sex outside marriage (I was never married) and so broke my "covenants" from the temple, I've smoked weed, drank (though I don't anymore). No guilt, no shame. I'm not saying you need to do those things to get better, I'm just saying that if you'd known me a decade ago, you'd have not believed I would have ever done anything so "wicked".
My point is there's nothing objective about that guilt and shame we felt. It's only because it was instilled in us from an early age. It's a learned response and can be unlearned. We just took the Church and its truth claims and hell and punishment seriously.
Best to you. Feel free to PM me any time. Know that there's hope.
I want to second the recommendation for Brene Brown - I love her, my clients love her, I really can't recommend her enough. I'd also like to throw Healing The Shame That Binds You into the ring as it's addiction specific. John Bradshaw has some videos that my clients love.
> The client suddenly falls off the face of the earth after doing well for so long
My supervisor assures me that this is "normal" for our area, but like you I haven't really been satisfied with that approach. I always try to educate my clients that relapse isn't indicative of failure - I treat it like a flare in symptoms and discuss with clients that it can be a learning opportunity because it gives them the chance to go back and figure out a different way of behaving. I absolutely hate counting days sober (feels like an industrial factory sign that says "x days since an injury at this work site") as the client often feels like they need to reset the counter to zero after a relapse. I advocate for the approach that we are always learning, and that a relapse doesn't mean you've forgotten any of the new things you've learned. When my clients do return after relapse, I give tons of positive feedback for returning to the office.
These are my two favorites. They're accessible and to the point. Best of luck in your recovery. It's not any easy road, but it's worth it.
Adult Children of Alcoholics
Healing the Shame that Binds You
Do you have a therapist that you can talk to help you work through these feelings, ideally someone specializing in trauma and/or substance abuse? I was pretty resistant to pursuing therapy and just stuck to meds for my depression/adhd for way too long. Finding a counselor I can trust that really gets me has been a huge game changer for turning my mental health around. I also really recommend reading the book Healing the Shame That Binds You
I relate to you in every one of those ways. Accept safety. I always felt safe. But I never had a real connection with someone. Bad shame that led to addiction. Fear of rejection. Wasn't feeling the love. This was before I found Buddhism that I got myself out of it. So on the Karma bit. It doesn't matter. From a Buddhist perspective, you can't change the past. From a Non-Buddhist perspective. Well. Karma isn't important to think about here. What you need to take action, and do some intense emotional healing. Which is quite simple. Yet difficult.
But if you're still hung up on thinking about karma and trying to understand what all went wrong and what exactly could be wrong... Well that's complex, but easy nontheless. So it's the wrong path, in my opinion.
What's the right path?
It's the path that I took. Which may not work for you, but I'm going to lay it out anyway...
I was seventeen and was getting high all the time. I had "friends" I hung out with people. Occasionlly. But mostly played videogames. Life was seemingly pretty great. It's what all my friends were doing, it's what I'd done for quite some time. But things were just feeling off.
Upon investigation (on the internet) I came across a lot of things that I thought would make me happier. Y'know that Lambroghini in garage guy? I thought for sure I was going to buy what he was selling, but that was just a phase. Then it was Reading. I was going to read the shit out of everything. Afterall, my family would approve of that. Yet still. No happier. Still smoked weed occasionally.
Anyway I hopped and skipped around different hobbies that I thought would make me happy. But then I found JP Sears on YouTube. That guy makes sense. Lots of sense. I don't think he's Buddhist. I don't think it matters. I think you should watch all of his everything. But if that's a bit daunting, at least try his video on shame. Best of luck m8. I promise there's some light at the end of the tunnel, just keep digging.
Edit: I'd also like to mention that you take a big first step when you find out that you have shame, and not much love. Then a bigger step to admit it. So. Yea, I reckon 2016'll be a good year for you. It takes courage to get of shame binds. But when you look back, it almost seems like it takes more courage to sit in that pain for so long.
Also, here's more good stuff. This is John Bradshaw. He wrote a book. 10/10 would reccomend.
then deal with them now! by not sharing these things with your therapist, you are only fooling yourself. try not to feel shame. this is a wonderful book that you might find useful.
http://www.amazon.com/Healing-Shame-Binds-Recovery-Classics/dp/0757303234#reader_0757303234
http://www.amazon.com/Feel-Fear-Do-It-Anyway/dp/0345487427
http://www.amazon.com/Healing-Shame-Binds-Recovery-Classics/dp/0757303234
My situation was very similar to yours. I was a sensitive kid and my emotional needs were not met at home or at school. I was often blamed and shamed for having very natural feelings like anger, shame, and fear. Feeling are not something even most 50 year olds can control; let alone a 5 year old. It made me feel worthless, like i was inherently defective. Like most 5 years old would, i thought that my parents, teachers and later on my peers were all well versed in the art of life. Their "confidence" made be believe that there is something in them that made them function well. I thought i lack this something. I searched for that thing, which would allow me to know the my future and be comfortable; know the intentions of my peers and not be awkward. Now i know that such a thing is impossible. People don't know all the things that are going on socially. You could have 3 persons talking and there might be a covert communication happening between two of them without the third person knowing. Everybody has secrets from everybody and everybody relates with each person differently. There is no universal guide to social interaction. You don't need to know techniques or have a secret mental faculty.
Confidence doesn't come from knowing the future and being able to avoid the messiness and insecurities of social life, it come from knowing and accepting that you can't do shit about a lot of things that is going to happen to you. If shit happens there isn't much you can do that to take it. You could get cancer or be hit by a bus. When you are young and you take your health for granted, someone having a disease or being out of a job would seem alien. You imagine it happening to you. A question strikes your mind, "What would i do if it happens to me?" "what would i do if i am 30 am jobless?". "How would i be able to live if i was a slave?". You ask yourself these questions, but you don't answer them. It is scary. We have all these expectations about our precious life and to even think of a scenario where you are helpless is scary. Your biggest fear is that you won't be able to find validation for your existence.
You need society for validating you. As much as we would like, we can never be invincible and completely psychically self sufficient. You cant measuring and rate ourselves and our worth by yourself. You need somebody to mirror your. All the bargaining and measuring you do in your mind are useless. You are scared to interact with society and gain validation because you fear it will invalidate (shame) you. But you badly need the validation. You are stuck in an endless loop. Only way out is to open yourself up to vulnerability. Allow yourself to be shamed by others. Laugh at how silly it is that you feel shamed by mere words. You will never stop getting the feeling of shame. It is involuntary like for a 5 year old. But you can make it matter less to you and not allow it to put you down.
www.amazon.com/Healing-Shame-Binds-Recovery-Classics/dp/0757303234
I suggest you read this book. Even if you don't read it right now, just remember the name of the book; or atleast "shame". You might want to look into it sometime in the future.
The therapist, Amy Tibbits, who runs the clinic I visit, The Lilac Center, wrote a book to help folks learn the skills of DBT: You Untangled.
My personal therapist, Anna Saviano, co-wrote a second workbook with Amy to help heal the trauma they have lived: You Empowered.
Anna also has me practicing meditation and listening to binaural beats to supplement the EMDR she does with me in session.
I also read The Expanded Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Training Manual by Lane Pederson before I met Anna and I feel it has given me an excellent foundation to build upon.
DBT Skills Training Manual by Marsha Linehan is not a book I've read personally. However, Linehan is who originally developed DBT and the link says it comes with online access to the worksheets and handouts. That looks to me like another excellent potential resource "straight from the horses mouth" if you will.
I am willing to be a chat/support buddy and can share what I've learned and continue to learn from my sessions as it pertains to DBT.
Good luck. :)
Edit to add: A book suggested by Anna that took me nearly a year to read because it was difficult for me is Healing The Shame That Binds You by John Bradshaw.
Further edit: My husband reminded me that you may well be able to get the books by Linehan, Pederson and Bradshaw at your local library.
Buy him this book: Healing the shame that binds you by John Bradshaw
You should read it yourself first, to understand the family he grew up in. You have to get to the root of the problem. Why does he watch porn?
I've got this on hold at the library. I go through library books way more quickly than I read the books I own, because I don't have to return those.
Join the club, man. I'm good at a few things, but greatness is something that's earned through lots of time and work towards a very specific goal. I wouldn't consider myself great at many things either.
You should look into the following books:
https://www.amazon.com/Grit-Passion-Perseverance-Angela-Duckworth/dp/1501111108
http://gladwell.com/outliers/the-10000-hour-rule/
Maybe this will help guide you along to achieving any sort of greatness in a particular area.
https://www.amazon.com/Grit-Passion-Perseverance-Angela-Duckworth/dp/1501111108 I can vouch for grit. The writer is a psychologist or something and it's super interesting.
Also outliers by Malcolm gladwell is one if the more popular books on the subject.
Been looking into this kind of thing lately myself and talking to a few people about a bunch of stuff and one of the things they're talking about that really stuck out to me was the impact that "grit" had on success. Call it whatever you want; perseverence, resilience, grit, or whatever. Lots of scientific studies going on about it.
http://www.amazon.com/Grit-Passion-Perseverance-Angela-Duckworth/dp/1501111108/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1450765581&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=grit
You need to combine that with taking good care of yourself though. Sleep well, drink lots of water, eat well, exercise, lift some weights. That helps give you the energy and stamina to keep going.
I read this book a couple months back and found it instructive in understanding most pursuits:
https://www.amazon.com/Grit-Passion-Perseverance-Angela-Duckworth/dp/1501111108/
Specific to your dilemma, I liked this insight the author gleaned from Warren Buffett (excerpted from another article):
http://jamesclear.com/buffett-focus
TL;DR Make a list of 25 things you want to pursue. Then rank them and eliminate all but the top five. Only pursue those things, and pursue them doggedly. Reassess as needed. :)
I can fully reccomend this book: https://www.amazon.de/Grit-Passion-Perseverance-Angela-Duckworth/dp/1501111108
It sort of touches on what you're talking about. And it's very popular at the moment, so everybody should read it, anyways.
If you're struggling academically, this book in college after I had never studied for anything in school and thus not built any learning skils or habits: https://www.amazon.de/How-Become-Straight-Student-Unconventional/dp/0767922719/ref=sr_1_1?s=books-intl-de&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1504637962&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=how+to+become+an+a-student
But there really are no easy fixes. I know it's a cliche, but it's true.
Grit: the Power of Passion and Perserverence
/u/JeffDujon
If you like the word Grit, you should check out the book Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance by Angela Duckworth
https://amzn.com/1501111108
Read this seriously.
https://www.amazon.com/Guide-Good-Life-Ancient-Stoic/dp/1522632735
I think melancholy in general has to be actively managed. I think building habits that actively manage melancholy when you're feeling good increase your chances of being able to maintain those habits when you're not feeling good.
Here are some things that I believe are important for mental health:
https://github.com/deobald/vipassana-for-hackers/blob/master/vipassana-for-hackers.pdf
https://www.amazon.com/Art-War-Sun-Tzu/dp/1505572835/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_14_t_0?_encoding=UTF8&amp;psc=1&amp;refRID=BG7BH4ZNQ4AQ4EH6S7NA
https://www.amazon.com/Guide-Good-Life-Ancient-Stoic/dp/1522632735
or just do a lot of acid and hope for permanent depersonalization/"ego death"
this is if you actually want to solve the root of your "rage/tilt issues" not just slap a bandaid on it.
I'd recommend "A Guide to the Good Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy" by William B. Irvine. You can skip part one if you're not interested in the history of it.
https://www.amazon.com/Guide-Good-Life-Ancient-Stoic/dp/1522632735
Audio book is cheap.
Author: William B. Irvine
Not sure about the book mentioned in this title, but a great read for new stoics is: https://www.amazon.com/Guide-Good-Life-Ancient-Stoic/dp/1522632735.
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I would read books about Stoicism.
https://www.amazon.com/Guide-Good-Life-Ancient-Stoic/dp/1522632735
https://www.amazon.com/Daily-Stoic-Meditations-Wisdom-Perseverance/dp/0735211736/ref=pd_sim_14_2?_encoding=UTF8&amp;psc=1&amp;refRID=QAEJE4P9QDE1V1KK9BWP
>the guy that wants to sing kumbaya with the trees and whales
Good one.
>So yeah, how can I not let their comments get to me?
Try with this and this.
Male client here. Agree with Remy.
Of course, getting over someone is easier said than done. I recommend "A Guide to the Good Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy" by William B. Irvine for some ideas on how to deal with unpleasant facts of life in a productive way.
You might also find cognitive behavior therapy helpful for stopping obsessive thoughts.
I know this feeling, I've been there often and occasionally still find myself there.
One thing that really helped me when my divorce first started was this book. It's Buddhist but that may still work with your scientific, atheist beliefs? And they have it on Kindle now so you can start it immediately.
https://www.amazon.com/When-Things-Fall-Apart-Difficult/dp/1570623449
Things start to slowly turn around but it takes a really long fucking time and you don't move forward linearly, I see it more like a spiral of concentric circles.
Yes, you need a support group, and so does he. Sending you both big hugs. I wish there were more I could say or do to help you...the one person who comes to mind if you don't know her work already is Pema Chodron, whose book "When Things Fall Apart" has been very helpful to my good friend with terminal cancer. You might find it comforting. http://www.amazon.com/When-Things-Fall-Apart-Difficult/dp/1570623449
https://www.amazon.com/When-Things-Fall-Apart-Difficult/dp/1570623449
Pema is awesome
Wish you nothing but the best OP.
Talk to her just like this. Honest and accepting. Full of love.
Just stay strong if it goes bad. It might hurt a lot man, but you can use that as even more motivation to get your shit together. Times of suffering are the best times for personal growth.
Not sure if it is your style, but i have two book recommendations for you. Each only costs a couple of dollars on amazon(check used section). They are straightforward and easy to grasp beginner buddhist teachings. Written by an american too so it is relatable. Really helpful for times like this.
http://www.amazon.com/When-Things-Fall-Apart-Difficult/dp/1570623449
And its sequel
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1570629218/ref=pd_aw_fbt_14_img_2?ie=UTF8&amp;refRID=1BA33ENK9BCG9ZZQR8E0
Any questions or if you want to talk. Hit me up. Im of similar age and can relate in various ways.
Gotta love an innoculous referral link. Here's one without it:
https://www.amazon.com/When-Things-Fall-Apart-Difficult/dp/1570623449
A friend of mine gave her friend a book whose title escapes me at the moment. Her friend was going through an excrutiating divorce, dealings with an abusive and alcoholic ex-husband who later committed suicide, while keeping her child safe.
It was a book about getting over a very emotional and difficult time, just wish I could remember the title.
Edit: I think I just remembered the title of the book: [When Things Fall Apart] (http://www.amazon.ca/When-Things-Fall-Apart-Difficult/dp/1570623449)
Oh hey, something I can comment on.
Yeahhhh I'm seeking some form of enlightenment, turns out it happens kinda frequently but very few people have ever hit the "end zone" of "nirvana." Let me lay down what I've got.
It's worth reading my other post on meaningfulness, impact, and ability
My life, currently is based around a depressing spiral that lead me so far down the hole of existentialism that I came out the other side. The otherwise crippling dread that comes with nihilistic reckoning is little more than a memory to me. I have, throughout my life, been wrong... a lot. and every time I'm wrong I want to know why. At some point, I jumped tracks a little. Not why I am wrong in a divisive, "this is the real answer" sense but more how I can be wrong. What is wrong? What is right? Does anything do the thing I think it does? The answer is unsurprisingly "this question is intrinsically flawed."
This is what I do. I am Adam, the guy who spends his time trying to learn about how he perceives reality. My most recent mindbitch is Buddhism, with a few dates in learning about ADHD. I've come to a lot of realizations, mostly things that someone somewhere already knew, and a few that are in some way my own but might also be something that someone already knew. Here's one such example.
My goal is to become the god of wisdom. I'm an agnostic atheist so we'll see how that goes.
With that in consideration, let's talk about enlightenment. Enlightenment is, in a traditional sense, effective epiphany. Something you realize that changes you. In a Philosophical sense, it's something that changes your behavior. In a Buddhist sense, it refers to specifically the experience of life without expectation, attachment, desire, or the filtering of any pre or postconceived notion. Your world, unshackled from what you are told/would think/have come to learn it to be, is a much more tolerable world than any you have experienced before. There is much that can be written on Buddhist enlightenment in this sense and indeed, much has. When my arms started getting weaker, when I worked them too hard, a friend of mine gave me a book which really set me in a better way, and this helped me survive 2016, which was personally an extremely rough year. It probably does the best job I have seen of presenting the idea of enlightenment in a digestible way. It comes down to this:
Nihilism is what you get when you peer into the abyss. Nothing has any intrinsic meaning if you think about it, we're all going to die. Buddhism is nihilism +1.
If you allow yourself to be a slave to your thoughts, you will never be content. You can be, but it requires rigorous training, and a detachment to a lot of things that you hold dear
Enlightenment is, from what I've learned extra empty. Making Nihilism look like that bag of chips that still has enough crumbs to eat but not enough to turn into nachos.
That sucks, endless chain of causality or no. I highly recommend the book When Things Fall Apart and wish you the best.
It really is. One of my favorite books that helped act as a catalyst was When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron.
She puts a lot of intensity in such soft terms.
I've struggled with depression all my life, and one time when things were particularly rough, a kind online friend sent me [When Things Fall Apart] (http://www.amazon.com/When-Things-Fall-Apart-Difficult/dp/1570623449) by Pema Chodron, and a few other books by the same author. I found them really helpful. Sending positive vibes your way :).
Wow, cool bike thing.
Regardless of belief system, this kind of loss is not easier or faster to deal with. Faith tries to provide some future redress of grief as hope and as a method of blunting the trauma of the loss and provide some handwaving platitudes about why it happened and the inherent unfairness of life. These might help at a superficial level but they can sometimes make things worse in the long run - why is it god's plan that there be a disease that is incurable and inflicts intense pain? why is it god's plan that your wife is taken in the way she was? No one is able to provide answers to those questions, they shrug and say mysterious ways, blah, blah, blah. Then you end up hating god and still suffering the loss of your wife.
I think the only way is to truly let go of the lost person, easier said than done. Try to be a bit Zen about life for a while, be in the present moment and fully in whatever activity you are doing - when sweeping, there is only the broom and the floor, etc.
http://www.amazon.com/Present-Moment-Awareness-Step-Step/dp/1577314859
Also, there is no linear progress on recovering from loss, I lost my dogs years ago and still find days I can't deal with it (thanks Futurama) - and they were dogs not wives or kids.
Pema has written about loss and her books are supposed to be written for a diverse audience (faith-wise).
http://www.amazon.com/When-Things-Fall-Apart-Difficult/dp/1570623449
Buy her this book.
I have a few book recommendations if you'd like something to read in this time:
On Grief and Grieving by Elisabeth Kubler Ross - I haven't read this one yet but it's on my list of things to read next. It has a lot of great reviews and is a classic.
No Death No Fear by Thich Nhat Hanh - This is one of my favorite books. Birth and death are deceptive concepts and arbitrary notions we use to try to explain the world around us. Life just changes; life is not annihilated and life is not created from nothing. Nihilism and our society's Christian-influenced view of birth and death are two extremes and the truth lies somewhere in the middle.
When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron - This is my other favorite book. We're so afraid of feeling bad. We can't just let ourselves feel shitty about things sometimes. We want to escape and run away from it all, but that just makes things worse. The best thing is to just face your fears and sit with the uncomfortable feelings and be at peace with them. Everything comes together and falls apart and we can try to run away or try to face it. Bad things happen and you feel like the biggest piece of shit on earth but it's not true. Our view is just messed up.
I'm sorry for your loss and I'm sorry you feel like shit. I hope you can make a happier life for yourself :)
I do not bury my feelings. I embrace them with open arms. Life is full of heart break and life is full of wonder and so many things. Burying your emotions trains you to be numb and not really see any of it. It is not a way to live. Are you familiar with Buddhism at all? This is a great book.
inspirational quote
You've had several losses this year. It is totally understandable that you would feel grief, depression, anger, guilt, and a lot of other things. I believe the best thing you can do for yourself is to seek out a therapist to help you through this difficult time. It is possible to start over from seemingly nothing and build up the life of your dreams. It just takes time and work.
Pema Condron speaks candidly about relationships and attachment in When Things Fall Apart.
company of heroes
medal of honor
burntout paradise: the ultimate box
weakness: so far i am a bad procrastinator. i aint eat that FROG because i am a vegetarain. go through the link it will helpful for other people. thank you.
I'm sorry you are going through a rough time! The anxiety you are feeling is totally understandable.
My tip would be to set aside some time early in the morning, if you can. (Even getting up before you usually would.) Do some coursework in a small amount of time, say 15 to 25 minutes.
If you feel like taking on more, great! Maybe get up and stretch, then dive back into it. If not, move on with your day, with a lighter heart knowing you have made progress. No need to anxiously think about it all day - you will have already made an effort, and you can use that fact to soothe yourself.
I hope this helps. For me, getting up and doing something before I have the chance to start worrying is best. (I put off phone calls ALL THE TIME, so jumping out of bed and getting them done helps my anxiety.)
I believe there is a book on this I've been meaning to read - but here the quote the book is based on:
> “Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.” - Mark Twain
READ THIS BOOK! It changed the way I approach everything in life now. I went from a nothing to a manager in my company in six months after reading this book and applying it to my daily life.
EAT THAT FROG!
http://www.amazon.com/Eat-That-Frog-Great-Procrastinating/dp/1576754227/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1313793431&amp;sr=8-1
Congrats on plagiarism. Real original.
It's "Eat That Frog" from this awesome book by Brain Tracy about getting things done with list.
Eat That Frog!: 21 Great Ways to Stop Procrastinating and Get More Done in Less Time https://www.amazon.com/dp/1576754227/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_3.VtxbPVS8MQH
[Eat that Frog!] (http://www.amazon.com/Eat-That-Frog-Great-Procrastinating/dp/1576754227/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1406762967&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=eat+that+frog) by Brian Tracy
Eat That Frog!: 21 Great Ways to Stop Procrastinating and Get More Done in Less Time
Check out the book Eat That Frog
edit: formatting
good one. http://amzn.com/1576754227
Are you getting any treatment aside from medication? If not you might want to combine your medication with ADHD therapy/coaching and/or focus on developing coping skills.
There's this mindfulness for ADHD workbook and also this Cognitive Behavioral Therpay for ADHD workbook. I haven't used them but they look like they might be useful.
The book 4 Weeks to an Organized Life with AD/HD was very helpful to me when I read it several years ago. The second half of the book is a 4 Week program that gives one simple task a day to help build skills to cope with ADHD (you don't have to read the first half of the book, you can just do the program). If you choose to do this, you might want to ask someone to help remind you to do the daily exercises and be your accountability buddy.
As far as reading goes, I find that writing a paragraph summarizing what I read right after reading helps me to stay interested in what I'm reading. I would guess it might help with other hobbies too.
> What options do I have?
I am just educating myself, there are four basic options. None are perfect alone, and best results involve some combination of all four, ideally all four.
Tricky the way that I project you asked this question, but personally I do believe that.
However, the way I hear your question is with the 'just' re-arranged is:
"Do you think that just practicing mindfulness solves this(add) entirely?"
The way you have it written even I project as, "adding this ingredient fixes this." Just add sugar to make it sweeter?
My personal belief, based on observation, is that one who has deeply developed his or her mindfulness will not suffer any forms of add - like at all. However, that in itself is a serious undertaking that one does not 'just' sit down and do (even thought that's kinda exactly how you do it). I am talking about someone who has had a consistent mindfulness practice for the last 20 or 30 years.
I meditate every morning for 20 minutes and it helps a TON, but I still struggle with adhd and executive functions. I have worked with very very experienced meditation practitioners - Bhuddist monks who have lived on a monastery in the wilderness for 30+ years - and they very very well may have been individuals who once suffered from ADHD but definitely no longer do so.
So if one becomes like an NBA level mindfulness practitioner, then yes, I personally do not believe one would suffer from ADHD, but then again, one doesn't just get in the NBA without a LOT of dedication.
Having said that every bit of practice up to that point has a benefit. So there are benefits all along the way.
This book helped me:
http://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-Prescription-Adult-ADHD-Strengthening/dp/1590308476
As well as this text, but it's a bit more esoteric.
http://www.amazon.com/Concentration-Mastery-Mouni-Sadhu-pse/dp/0879800232
Don't actually recommend the second text until one has conquered distractions. Otherwise it can just be demoralizing.
Biggest recommendation I have regarding mindfulness and intention is beware of the effect distractions have on re-wiring your brain. The content of distractions are innocent, but the process of being distracted attacks the adhd mind in multiple ways. There is no such thing as a harmless distraction.
Waiting in a line and bored? Not being comfortable with that boredom and instead checking facebook on your phone is literally re-wiring your brain so it will be intolerant of boredom. When you have to write a paper or something that is boring it will be difficult. This comes from the work of Cal Newport in Deepwork, which has been extremely helpful for me personally. http://www.amazon.com/Deep-Work-Focused-Success-Distracted/dp/1455586692/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1462196019&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=deepwork
Is this the book you are thinking of? Could you give a short review on how you like it and if it's easy to read?
I've also seen this book, which looks really good since it looks like it was made for somebody with ADHD. (i.e. lots of extra blocks with "hints" and stuff that make it easier to read than a book with pages of all text)
Maybe I should just buy both and hope that I'll actually go through with one rather than another book rotting on my shelf lol
The first one I’ve read and found to be helpful. The second one I haven’t read, but I have implemented daily mindfulness practices and they almost singlehandedly saved me during a period of time when medications were failing me. The third I haven’t read but comes highly recommended by trusted sources.
Using CBT to Facilitate Coping Inside and Out The Adult ADHD Tool Kit (Paperback) - Common https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00OKRFQIK/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_UA5WAbKMDPNYF
The Mindfulness Prescription for Adult ADHD: An 8-Step Program for Strengthening Attention, Managing Emotions, and Achieving Your Goals https://www.amazon.com/dp/1590308476/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_pC5WAbSY00SDW
Taking Charge of Adult ADHD https://www.amazon.com/dp/1606233386/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_cD5WAb5JK6M71
this?
Damn, this is really thoughtful of you. I wish more (non-ADHD) people understood how challenging it can be to live with ADHD. I'm sure your care package will mean the world to your friend.
Here's a book I recommend:
"The Mindfulness Prescription for Adult ADHD"
https://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-Prescription-Adult-ADHD-Strengthening/dp/1590308476
> The mindfulness prescription for adult ADHD
http://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-Prescription-Adult-ADHD-Strengthening/dp/1590308476
First off, its important to express the emotions you feel. But I also feel like their is a lot of self-hatred and negative self talk that I relate to from my past. You can absolutely change your life and outlook of ADHD and better live with the difficulties. I would recommend this book, it has helped me deal with some of the issues caused by my ADHD: https://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-Prescription-Adult-ADHD-Strengthening/dp/1590308476 . I got an eBook copy.
&#x200B;
I wish you all the best and hope your problems will resolve soon :)
[This book](The Mindfulness Prescription for Adult ADHD: An 8-Step Program for Strengthening Attention, Managing Emotions, and Achieving Your Goals https://www.amazon.com/dp/1590308476/ref=cm_sw_r_other_awd_Mn8AwbT4BB9PQ) got me started. It comes with a CD with guided meditations on it too. It's a really great intro to mindfulness and meditation. It's been breakthrough for me in my battle for mental health. Therefore I am compelled to help others experience its benefits too. I highly recommend getting that book. It's really helpful to have a firm grasp of what you're going for. A lot of people get discouraged when first trying meditation because they do not. Also check out r/mindfulness. Let me know if I can help any further. I love helping!
I'm not saying you're wrong -- because what you suggest is simply impossible to verify (the scientific term is unfalsifiability) -- but it's worth considering you may occasionally fall victim to confirmation bias.
I believe it's important that all people at least understand their own biases (we all have them) so they can attempt to bypass their emotional, subconsciously-conclusive judgments, and make come to more logical conclusions.
A good place to start is by reading You Are Not So Smart, which was actually written by one of the founders of reddit. It's a fantastic read, and it'll have you questioning all of your previously-unchallenged beliefs (in a good way).
Cheers.
I'm not saying you're wrong -- because what you suggest is simply impossible to verify (the scientific term is unfalsifiability) -- but it's worth considering you may occasionally fall victim to confirmation bias.
I believe it's important that all people at least understand their own biases (we all have them) so they can attempt to bypass their emotional, subconsciously-conclusive judgments, and make come to more logical conclusions.
A good place to start is by reading You Are Not So Smart, which was actually written by one of the founders of reddit. It's a fantastic read, and it'll have you questioning all of your previously-unchallenged beliefs (in a good way).
The GOP hates all democrats. It's no different with Hillary (maybe even worse). Obama had more of a socialist ideology and he was incredibly charismatic and persuasive. Do you think they'd al be best buddies if Obama was exactly the same person with white skin? (It's very possible my bias is leaking through here, but I am aware, and that's what's important).
Cheers.
It's counterintuitive, isn't it? I found that factoid in the book You Are Not So Smart, by David McRaney. It's a fascinating book about cognitive biases and the various ways people delude themselves without knowing. I'm currently reading it and I highly recommend it, BTW.
But yes. Venting does not seem to help. The relevant book chapter can be found in its entirety online here: http://youarenotsosmart.com/2010/08/11/catharsis/
It's an interesting read.
I will admit though I'm not an expert on the topic, and this is just something I recently learned.
EDIT: This is a New York Times article from 1983 with that same premise, that venting anger may actually do more harm than good.
You Are Not So Smart and You Are Now Less Dumb by David McRaney
> So we can rule out that she's doesn't have a choice in this.
hey you didn't reply to my shit (in fact I addressed this very point in my second response to you), but I gotta say you have a wild misunderstanding of how human beings work. The notion that human beings have 100% agency at all times, and that decisions, even those appearing to be self-made (i.e. "I am choosing to do this") are 100% independent or unaffected by the environment around you and your past development is just... wrong. I don't even know how else to put it, it's a gross misunderstanding of human psychology and neuroscience.
Plus, even if you ignore the headier and more philosophical aspects of this, I don't know why you wouldn't consider the very simple and very realistic scenario of her having a troubled home life. Also this weird attachment to her "SECOND TIME" doing this, like people can't make the same mistakes or incorrect judgement twice? Or can't be affected by the same traumas and hardships twice? I've probably cut people off more than once while driving, so what, does that mean I 100% willingly and deliberately chose to it do past mistake #1?
It's like common sense shit, so I have to assume you're being obtuse or willfully blind. It's like for you to accept this you literally have to see her being dragged away in chains and a gag, and THEN you'll go "ohhhhhhh she was in a bad situation".
I don't mean this in an offensive way, but it just reeks of immaturity and inexperience to me (and that's me being charitable and not adding on other elements to it related to sexual frustration / misogyny). Here's a cool book to get started:
https://www.amazon.ca/You-Are-Not-So-Smart/dp/1592407366
The title isn't a jab at you, don't worry.
EDIT:
> “What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?’’
> “Nothing, you already told her twice!’’
dumb fucking slut amirite
Sooo many lol, here are some of my favorites.
ADHD
Smart But Stuck: Emotions in Teens and Adults with ADHD https://www.amazon.com/dp/111827928X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_1.Y9ybCSGW7GF
General Brain Stuff
You Are Not So Smart: Why You Have Too Many Friends on Facebook, Why Your Memory Is Mostly Fiction, an d 46 Other Ways You're Deluding Yourself https://www.amazon.com/dp/1592407366/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_abZ9ybEHGSMEK
You are Now Less Dumb: How to Conquer Mob Mentality, How to Buy Happiness, and All the Other Ways to Outsmart Yourself https://www.amazon.com/dp/1592408796/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_vbZ9ybKY1636G
School/Study Help
A Mind for Numbers: How to Excel at Math and Science (Even If You Flunked Algebra) https://www.amazon.com/dp/039916524X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_gcZ9ybCDM8Q6K
Social/Relationship skills
What Every BODY is Saying: An Ex-FBI Agent&#8217;s Guide to Speed-Reading People https://www.amazon.com/dp/0061438294/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_1cZ9ybQJXS3BK
The Chemistry Between Us: Love, Sex, and the Science of Attraction https://www.amazon.com/dp/1591846617/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_OdZ9ybBFRG9R4
Cosmology
Parallel Worlds: A Journey Through Creation, Higher Dimensions, and the Future of the Cosmos https://www.amazon.com/dp/1400033721/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_GeZ9ybHP9J2J5
Each one of these books has had a big impact on me, as a side note I'm have become a big fan of audible since I normally have a hard time sitting still to read, so I'd recommend giving it a try if you never have. You'll be surprised how much of a book you can comprehend while listening to it as do you other random chores and stuff throughout the day.
Look at banner, NamesNotCrindy! I am dying to read this book because I'm not so smart. Sigh. So it goes.
Seriously this may be a great coming-of-age title for you: Infinite Jest.
Also since you got your first job check out The Wall Street Journal's Guide to Starting Your Financial Life. If you haven't yet appreciated math, I would suggest you do so as you're going to need it for any decent job these days. Detach yourself from Fallacious Thought.
Searched it up and it seems like a very interesting read.
Just wasted $70 on books though so it'll be a while till I can buy it.
Last book I read fully was You Are Not So Smart.
A great book on the human mind.
Not fully was World War Z.
I think my answer to that question is going to be in the form of a book. Read the book "you are not so smart"
Tldr: your brain lies to you about absolutely everything. All your memories cab be fake or faked. It's not hard at all to implant memories into people.
Edit: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1592407366?pc_redir=1411919997&amp;robot_redir=1
I am a forensic psychology major so I'm super excited to see what everyone recommends for you! I love reading psychology books!
this book has been recommended to me so many times! I just started reading it and it's very good so far!
I also really enjoyed this book on criminal profiling which is a subject that fascinates me.
Shaynoodle is damn sexy!
Find a new doctor and then buy this doctor this book: https://www.amazon.com/Taking-Charge-Adult-Russell-Barkley/dp/1606233386
I definitely think CBT with a therapist is something you should pursue. Before I had even made the connection that I might have adult ADHD, I started seeing someone who specialised in meditative therapies, his background being in Buddhism. I was a bit hesitant at first because, well, it sounded a bit hokey to me but it was actually very helpful. Something he said that is the perfect description for our condition (at least for me) is that "your mind is like a stallion running wild. We want to tame it--not break it--so you can take control of it". For whatever reason, that outlook helped a lot. Unfortunately, I had to stop seeing him because my insurance ran out but I would go back in a second.
Fast forward about a month and I have been formally diagnosed and am getting on medicine (its a clinical trial, 3rd phase--so we will see what happens) and until I get back on insurance I plan to use a couple books I found via a video that was actually posted by u/roland00 on another thread. (BTW that video was a lecture by Russell Barkley and was immensely helpful, so thank you very, very much u/roland00) Anyway there are a bunch out there but I went with this one and this one. Check the "customers also bought" section for others. Good luck on your journey!
Taking Charge of Adult ADHD is a great one. I own that one and it has lots of practical tips on how to manage your ADHD.
https://www.amazon.com/Taking-Charge-Adult-Russell-Barkley/dp/1606233386/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1492364641&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=taking+charge+of+adult+adhd
Also, this one explains how and why our brains evolved to have executive functions in the first place:
https://www.amazon.com/Executive-Functions-What-They-Evolved/dp/146250535X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1492364578&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=executive+functions+barkley
It's more for deep understanding of human nature and why people with ADHD are so impaired.
this is the mostly suggested book for adult adhd (no idea about your age)
http://www.amazon.com/Taking-Charge-Adult-Russell-Barkley/dp/1606233386
Adding to what /u/Bookbringer said, I've been listening to Dr. Russell
Barkley's book, and he made an interesting observation. He noted that, generally speaking, the people who were diagnosed earlier had more severe cases of ADHD. On the flip side, people with milder cases and later diagnoses were frequently being treated for anxiety, depression, or both in addition to the ADHD. He argues that this is probably because ADHD either causes or severely exacerbates major self esteem and failure issues, both of which can easily contribute to or even full on cause A&D. In terms of how to deal with your doctor, I would say something like this:
"Hi (doctor) ___, while I agree that I show a lot of symptoms of depression and would probably benefit from treatment, I still think ADHD is worth looking into. I believe I show a lot of symptoms of it, and given the nature of my depression I think that these symptoms might be a contributing factor. If nothing else, exploring the possibility would make me feel calmer, because at least I'll know a little more about how my mind works.
Thank you,
/u/drakeymod."
It has been my general experience that proposing a combination of two conditions gets a better response than focusing entirely on the one that your provider doesn't think is the culprit. Furthermore, any doctor worth their salt should either help you look into this further, or be able to give you one hell of an explanation for why they don't think that's the case. On the off chance that your doctor is in the latter group, seek a second opinion, because if you're right (and I suspect you might be), then ignoring ADHD when treating depression is like trying to put out a fire beside a leaking oil drum by beating out the flames: it's horrifically inefficient.
I should have covered that, you're right. Lack of foresight on my part. Russell Barkley describes it as perseveration. We have it backwards: rather than focusing really well, instead we fail to react to new appropriate stimuli. Getting "stuck", as it were, doing the same thing. I think this is why we (I say "we" because I strongly identify with your experience) don't have a big problem with fiction, which is interesting from moment to moment, while textbooks can prove less straightforward. That's also why Barkley describes it as a "time blindness" in his book. I strongly recommend getting the book, by the way - it really helped me conceptualise how ADHD impairs me.
No problem! It took me a while (years, actually) to realize and to come to terms with the fact that I have ADHD. I've just started down the same road (diagnosis a month or so ago) and am still figuring things out, so I know how rough it is. Finally getting my diagnosis was a tremendous relief, and hopefully will be for you too. It's really empowering, to be honest, knowing this sort of thing about yourself, because you can finally start to deal with it in a healthy, effective way. If you've got time, you should watch these videos by Dr. Russel Barkley, one of the foremost ADHD researchers (and a very nice guy, I might add). He has also written some books that elaborate further into the disorder, covering treatment options, how to mitigate your ADHD symptoms in various aspects of life, and other coping mechanisms This one in particular should be helpful (I'm reading it now and am enjoying it very much): Taking Charge of Adult ADHD.
He has a book Taking Charge of Adult ADHD which would have more treatment information. I have not seen much of this info in videos.
It would probably more helpful for her to be asking the questions if she's willing to be helpful. Complaining is not going to be a successful strategy for her. She needs to help set up the household in a way that
is helpful.
http://www.amazon.com/Taking-Charge-Adult-Russell-Barkley/dp/1606233386
http://www.amazon.com/Stopping-Coaster-Someone-Attention-Disorder/dp/0981548709
> I personally lean towards Dr. Hallowell's perspective because I've found it more helpful in my day-to-day life
Yeah I think I agree - I think Barkley's stuff is phenomenal for explaining the validity of ADHD as a condition/disorder/disability/etc and explaining why and how it's not just an matter of discipline or laziness or know-how. Hallowell's stuff is great because it includes that but, like you said, helps with the daily management and I find it helps me feel validated and stay a little more hopeful.
I do have Barkley's book on managing adult ADHD on my reading list though so I'm very curious to see how it compares to Hallowell's practitioner approach.
> Unfortunately there doesn't seem to be anything I can do every day that helps the stress.
Meditation can be helpful. Even just sitting still, "mindfully", for 5 minutes can be surprisingly relaxing. Sounds hippie-ish, but I found it rewarding.
This is the book: Mindfulness: An Eight-Week Plan for Finding Peace in a Frantic World https://www.amazon.com/dp/1609618955/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_lr3nDb8JVZ1KD
So far so good, I don’t remember where I got the recommendation but it is well written, practical, and easy to implement
Definitely do your best to visualize how excited not only you, but the people who you are going to be attending the events with will be to see you. Anxiety is very close to excitement and sometimes it's easier to flick a switch to excitement than it is to quash the anxiety. I personally keep 2 CDs in my cars stereo, one with a bunch of super mellow tracks that my mind fixates on to keep my chill, and one with some really amp it up blood pumping fuck the world I can do anything music, for when I start flipping over to panic and need to channel some bravery and excitement.
On the other side of things, work on your coping skills, meditation, deep breathing exercises. I particularly like the Rodale book on Mindfulness Meditation.
It was actually incredibly helpful for me with coping with my anxiety, possibly even more helpful than my therapist had been, it gave me the tools to make my therapy worthwhile.
If it helps at all, 4 years ago I couldn't leave my street. This past year I had a wedding that I was CONVINCED for a long time I would not make. It was in an incredibly high traffic area, over a draw bridge (in a shore town on the beach) in the middle of the summer. I told everyone to prepare for the possibility of me not making it, but I did. You can do this.
If you have a problem, just remember, it's not because you don't want it enough or you don't love the people enough, it's because you're going through something, you're sick, and you will get better. It's really important to remember that it's not because of a lack of will, or a lack of desire, sometimes things are just hard to get over and the time frame number crunch isn't in our favor. But you can and will do this.
Hey man I know I'm replying late, didn't forget about you!
Overthinking isn't abnormal; most of us do it.
But it can be damaging and it should be tamed if possible.
I'd advise you practice mindfulness meditation. I think it would help you. It changed my life over the past few years and I wish I knew about it earlier.
This book is the perfect starting point: https://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-Eight-Week-Finding-Peace-Frantic/dp/1609618955/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1492290462&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=mark+williams+mindfulness
I really relate to that 'lost at sea' feeling (and I also think sports is 'rubbish,' generally). I think a great work-around to this is finding structured but doable meditation 'plans' that guide you through the process in a way that will bring benefits.
Many people seem to be doing this with success through the HeadSpace App, but if you want an offline guide, maybe you can try 'Mindfulness: An Eight-Week Plan for Finding Peace in a Frantic World.'
Eight weeks may sound like a while, but the amount of time each day isn't much and the payoffs start quickly when you stick to it. Eight weeks seems to be the rule of thumb for neuroscientists who are looking for the hard evidence of changes in the grey matter, but subjectively, people report benefits earlier. In other words, you can surely get something after eight weeks but will probably get there earlier, if you follow one of these guided plans.
Some people don't like plans, but a structure like that can really help alleviate the 'lost at sea' feeling and it helps put us in touch with the details little by little so we can remember it each lesson, instead of reading on our own and forgetting to re-read later on.
My 2 year old daughter was just diagnosed with cancer this past july.
I have been an open atheist for more then a decade, however, people still try to push their religious paradigms on me and my wife.
The one that really gets me is "You are probably asking 'Why us?'"
No, we are not. These things happen, and without a magical thinking world view of causation, we do not, and have never, question "why us."
The religious minded seem to think atheists should crumble under the pressure of grief and loss with out a god to "help make them strong."
This world view is built on the Christian ideal that humans are weak and powerless, and our only means to strength is through the worship of god.
Strength only comes from within. Christianity tricks people into locking their strength away, and taking only small portions at a time, and believing that it was god who granted them that strength.
Look into your self, see how strong you really are and come through this a better person then you were before.
Give yourself the space to grieve in your own way, but dont ever let anyone tell you what you feel, why you feel it, or what you should be feeling.
Meditate, allow yourself to gain a perspective separate from your thoughts [mindfullness] (http://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-Eight-Week-Finding-Peace-Frantic/dp/1609618955)
I sincerely wish you the best of luck, love, and comfort to help you endure this tragedy. No one will ever know your pain, but some of us can understand it.
Mindfulness: An Eight-Week Plan for Finding Peace in a Frantic World
https://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-Eight-Week-Finding-Peace-Frantic/dp/1609618955
Designed as a jump in and try course which adds theory as you go. Certainly pragmatic, designed with sceptical westerner in mind.
Here are two books that you can use to teach yourself on these therapies:
Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT)
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
If you are really anti-medication, then look into cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) or mindfulness-based stress reduction (MBSR). Both are counseling techniques that are clinically proven to be effective against depression. Regular exercise (ideally at least 30 minutes most days of the week) is also clinically proven to be effective for depression. You might find that to be enough and you may decide that you don't want medication. If not, you'll still have medications as an option.
There are various physical problems that can manifest as depression. You may want to talk to your doctor about those just to rule those out.
Here are a couple good books that explain the counseling techniques listed above.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0380810336?pc_redir=1411719113&amp;amp;robot_redir=1
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1609618955/ref=mp_s_a_1_2?qid=1411750842&amp;amp;sr=8-2&amp;amp;pi=SY200_QL40
If one of those techniques appeals to you more than the other, be sure to ask the therapist you choose if that's part of their practice.
Keep in mind what you want when looking for a practitioner. Psychiatrists are medical doctors who have taken some counseling classes. They are going to strongly prefer medication. Psychologists are completely different. They have a doctorate in psychology and are very good at talk therapy. They can't write prescriptions but can refer you for that if needed. Some work in a practice with a psychiatrist so this referral may be pretty simple. Social workers may not have as much formal education as a psychologist when it comes to talk therapy, but they tend to be cheaper and they also tend to have a lot of good practical experience. They're the best choice if you want practical advice from someone who has probably seen just about everything.
Good luck with whatever you decide.
The idea is basically to notice the cycles of drifting thought. E.g., you brush your teeth. As you brush, your teeth, your mind automatically goes to the fight you had with your SO, or your neighbor's barking dog. You get angry, you get tense. You go out with the same anger, get angry at the barista who is slightly late at delivering you coffee. They look at you and just see a weirdo being overly aggressive.
Now, the final goal of meditation is to basically interrupt the cycle of drifting thought at the start. However, that is hard. Like asking a newbie to deadlift 4 plates, hard. So, in a counter-intuitive way, you start by learning how to focus.
There are multiple ways to do this:
One is to focus very closely as a cycle of thought begins, as it progresses. The very fact of focusing carefully on it, seeing how it automatically evolves and spirals into streams of irrationality, helps you realize that it doesn't define you, it is not you.
Another approach is mindfulness. That is things like breathing in and out, brushing your teeth, whatever. You simply do a task, continue to do it, focusing on it very carefully. Not giving yourself shit if you do get interrupted by thoughts drifting off. Notice that that has happened. Go back to the task.
I recommend this book for more.
I highly recommend this book: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1609618955/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1450641587&amp;sr=8-1&amp;pi=SY200_QL40&amp;keywords=mindfulness&amp;dpPl=1&amp;dpID=41V9Ds-LbpL&amp;ref=plSrch
I suffer from anxiety and depression and it's helped me so much. I recommend listening to the audiobook - which can be done in a day - and starting the program the next day. All of the guided meditations are included and are great. The book and meditation are narrated by the author, who's an expert in the field and professor at Oxford. No BS, it's awesome.
Mindfulness by Mark Williams and Danny Penman is an excellent book with a scientific foundation. Both authors are accomplished psychologists that have used Mindfulness-Base Cognitive Therapy with success.
They specifically approach it with a scientific eye and reference studies throughout the book to back up the theory.
It's really a great book and sounds like it's exactly what you're looking for. As someone who also dislikes the "hippy dippy" stuff, I highly recommend it.
Amazon
Certainly. I'm not sure exactly how you want to develop your thesis, but an interesting point anthropologically is diet over the generations.
My grandfather lived through the great depression and used to eat very similarly - high fat, high calorie but as cheap as he can. My parent then lived in the boom during the 50s and 60s where food became abundant and affordable. Meats were still considered a luxury item and have moved toward a high protein, high animal meat diet. Heavily processed foods also entered at this time. This has led to a significant increase in many of the chronic diseases we experience today. This new generation is starting to pave some new changes to organic, locally sourced, healthy foods.
Of course this is completely over simplified as traditions and culture are slow to change. There's even a great case study about how the US gov't tried to sell less desirable meats (like liver) during the World Wars so the soldiers could have the short supply of better meats and how they tried to instill change. I think I read more about this in the book Power of Habit
Good luck to you in which ever direction you go!
I totally hear you, I do the same thing and it's super frustrating to look back and think of what I could have gotten done if I hadn't spent so much time not starting projects and vegging out.
I recently read The Power of Habit which was helpful if only for helping me realize what is cueing the habit of wanting to veg out and procrastinate. I hope that I can make some headway.
I've started spending the first 15 minutes of work journaling about the previous day and what I want to get done today. It doesn't help me avoid big hard projects, but it does help me organize what I want to do, and if I can make it a habit I think it'll be really helpful.
But really, it's an ongoing battle, and I'm painfully aware that if I could kick this monster, I would achieve all kinds of things that I've been wanting to achieve.
The Power of Habit
This is the book that allowed me to actually fix my habits.
http://www.amazon.com/The-Power-Habit-What-Business-ebook/dp/B0055PGUYU
Thanks for this response. Glad to know I was on the side of the fence looking to the successful groups behaviors and not genetics. The work ethic of new immigrant generations is something that I see repeated all the time in the history of America. The first generation born in America leap above and beyondwhat the previous generation had in terms of education and assets. I think it's any parent's goal for their kids to live comfortably but it can easily cross over into laziness, being in a low energy state is in our nature. Good behaviors and community is incredibly important and I will work towards instilling good behaviors in my close family and friends. Here is a book on habit, it might be an interesting read on the subject.
Just curious. What do you teach?
Thanks for the read.
Absolutely. I saw the post regarding the last book you read Is this new one also a motivation/business/perspective type, or something different? What are your top 3 most life-changing or life-affirming that you've read? What was the last book that sucked you in more than you had expected?
If you truly are not physically addicted (which is highly suspect given you drink every day), your "craving" could have been feeling that you needed to numb a a bad feeling or perhaps the habit pattern that one has to have a celebratory drink when something good happens. I would highly recommend reading Brene Brown's The Gifts of Imperfection as well as The Power of Habit to delve deeper into both of those issues.
Food is tough for many reasons, and some of them is highlighted in your post. Many things can be kicked cold turkey, and that's a pretty damn effective way to handle them. However, given foods overall importance to not starving to death, it can't be kicked cold turkey. Another thing is that in all likelihood, some of those old habits (smoking, drinking, etc) have been co-opted by eating. Habits never actually go away, you just change what action occurs between the cue and the reward. So, I would bet that some of those bad habits were transformed into overeating habits.
Check out this book, it may give you some insight. It's obviously not an end all be all guide, but it could give you a skill set that you haven't yet had in your battle against overeating. Perhaps this one will be the one.
http://www.amazon.com/The-Power-Habit-Business-ebook/dp/B0055PGUYU
Thanks so much!
Where do hobbies and interests go? Below Education somewhere? Sample stuff I could add:
I had sort of planned to put all this stuff in my personal website - write ups of personal projects, a good reads feed, an "About me" section, and maybe a page of my sewing/knitting creations.
I'll certainly look into adding some more personality into the resume design, it is currently the result of a google template, which is pretty blah.
Again, Thanks so much for your feedback! It's been really helpful!
There is a lot of help out there for Freelancers starting out, but I am going to recommend a few unconventional books - that although not directly related to client work or marketing - have helped me with the overall journey (although your mileage may vary)
The /r/Stoicism subreddit has plenty of information, including some recommendations in the FAQ.
I personally recommend the following, in no particular order:
I hope you get better with respect to the mental health. You didn't ask for it but I would recommend this book https://www.amazon.com/Guide-Good-Life-Ancient-Stoic-ebook/dp/B0040JHNQG that helped me in the past.
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I don't think leaving looks bad. And I can understand that it can sometimes be hard to do something you don't want to do. But you said you're in your fifth year so I assume you've done a considerable amount of relevant research work and should be close to getting your PhD. It might be a good idea to take a break (if that's possible) and just come back after a year or two to finish it. Because a PhD is still a huge deal in my opinion.
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Life is very long and a year or two spent not working towards your life goal (whatever that may be) isn't a huge deal. Maybe take that adjunct job. Teaching shouldn't be hard for you and it will pay the bills. And just spend the rest of the time chilling and reading.
Just read this book: https://www.amazon.com/Guide-Good-Life-Ancient-Stoic-ebook/dp/B0040JHNQG/
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It changed my life, I was in similar situation
Hey Dude,
I get the whole Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde (mini-gnar / mega-gnar) thing you experience, and the frustration that comes out in game. I bet you can start a game with all the intention of being nice and kind to veryone, and by the end as things fall apart your raging in all-chat, right? And then afterwards, you're kinda embarrassed, but also frustrated and wanting to jump back into the game immediately to make up for the last game. I experience a lot of this myself, and have done lots to help correct myself.
There's a few things I'd like to mention:
General Thoughts
when playing competitive games face-to-face with friends (board games, sports, etc.). Obviously you aren't as vocal about it, but your competitive nature probably kicks in and you want to win above all else. The trick, I believe, is to re-wire your habitual response (since you are acting instinctually, you need to change your instincts) and perspective (to help you properly evaluate the situation). I'll get more into this in a little bit.
RE: Perspective
There’s a great quote at the top of that subreddit right now:
>“Who then is invincible? The one who cannot be upset by anything outside their reasoned choice.”
>“If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.” – Marcus Aurelius
>“You have power over your mind - not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.” – Marcus Aurelius
RE: Habits
Cue: Your bot lane doesn’t rotate up to help you, while you are getting attacked by their mid laner in jungle in bottom river
Routine: Your frustration builds up because you think about how different the game would be if not for your stupid bottom lane. You start getting angry. You want to relieve this anger by looking to blame the bot lane for their poor play. You start flaming.
Reward: Though temporary, your emotions are relieved slightly. Internally, you feel slightly better because your emotions / anger have come down. At least until the next screw up….
We need to re-write this script somehow. Here’s a basic idea of what I’d do:
Random Thoughts
Yes, the dichotomy of control is an ancient concept of the Stoic domain of physics, referring to the things we have control over and the things we do not. The 'trichotomy' of control was introduced by William B. Irvine in his book "A guide to the good life" in order to account for things we have partial control over.
This idea that God has control of your life is a hard one to let go of. It's like the emotional equivalent to being raised with a cast on your leg. When you get it cut off, there are some muscles in there which are really weak because they weren't allowed to develop normally.
It takes time to learn to realize that there is no guarantee that things will work out. That sucks. But until you learn to relax about it, and to enjoy things as they happen regardless, then the fear that things might not work out will ensure that, at least in some ways, they don't. It's paradoxical and hard.
I read the book A Guide to the Good Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy just as I was deconverting and I found that it had a lot of helpful ideas and practices, I highly recommend it. For example, negative visualization -- as bad as it sounds, imagine that the things you are afraid of actually happen. Play through what that would look like. Generally you'll learn that (a) these things, while they'd suck a lot, are all survivable and (b) it will make you appreciate the things you have more.
Do you feel immature or irresponsible? Based on what you said you aren't doing I think you mean the latter. What you need to do is work on good habits. Good habits lead to responsibility.
I don't believe you're immature because you recognize these faults and want to fix them. Fixing them is hard, though. It's easier to not try.
Try this book out; http://www.amazon.com/Power-Habit-Why-What-Change-ebook/dp/B0055PGUYU/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1413397143&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=habits
Good question, and you're right it does feel like that sometimes. The "why do I even bother" thought is maybe monthly. I see it as partly my way of donating my time for a thankless task. It's a good way to exercise your mental "control what you can, otherwise let it go" and the like too, so I see it as somewhat of a mental challenge. I get enough hate mail and random crap that there's no lack of material to practice ignoring. I'm a big fan of Stoicism as a way to operate (here's a good book on it).
> “Begin each day by telling yourself: Today I shall be meeting with interference, ingratitude, insolence, disloyalty, ill-will, and selfishness"
I do get some out of the blue PMs from people who tell me they appreciate it, so that is nice. Once in a while someone will choose me for a giveaway and I'll get a fun player to use, and they'll say it's because they appreciate my help. Those sorts of things help counterbalance it. Last year I got a MOV Perry I was stoked to use for like four months of the game's cycle.
I don't glamorize the job to people wanting to mod. I like to let them know what they're in for.
Hey guys,
I want to ask how you use techniques daily.
Can you give me examples?
The hardest for me is memento mori.
Also have you use negative vitalization daily.
I started reading A Guide to Good Life what books you recommend me after this?
How much hard is to stoics books, this have explanation and super easy for beginners.
What books do you recommend me after this?
I am having trouble understanding Fatalism on past and how is that related to present.What values stoics want it except for tranquility? I know they are not focus on fame and wealth?
Thank you for answers, this sub is amazing, i learn a lot from here!
I recently read A Guide to the Good Life and found it approached Stoicism systematically and from a more modern perspective. It tries to act as a guidebook. There's chapters that also cover the history and formation of the philosophy. As far as the metaphysics there's a chapter that substitutes evolution in place of God/Zeus explaining we want to accumulate as much stuff, eat as much as possible, and gain social status (fame) because that gave ancient humans better odds of attracting a mate and reproducing. So we're the result of millions of years of these insatiable drives programmed into us. I hadn't actually given that much thought, but it seems obvious now.
It looks like there's many similar books in the suggested section on that page, for what others bought. Including This complete guide to Stoicism that I'm about to buy.
Yeah, we're slaves. We live in a society that encourages self-enslavement via debt. It's a shitty life, spending all day inside and creating nothing of real value to anyone.
I have 10 more years or so. I look at them as an investment into myself. 10 years of slavery for 100 years of freedom. How old are you? Snake People are likely to live for a pretty long time (ignoring the possibility of global warming-related catastrophes and assuming you take good care of yourself).
> How did we get this way?
We are owned. Bought, sold, and bet like cattle. We are fed "food" filled and coated with chemicals and hormones that change our brain chemistry. We drink water that has dangerous chemicals in it. The air is poisoned, too. We're distracted and divided with fake news about nonsense. We got here by allowing other people to make decisions for us. Financial Independence is a way of taking control of our own lives. Keeping the goal in mind is very important to staying the course.
I don't know if this is more helpful or harmful to you, but it's the truth. Knowing the truth has a price. It changes you. You will find yourself more and more separate from those who are willing slaves.
My advice: find people you love, hug them a lot, and do a lot of wandering and talking. Work out a lot. Be a strong person. Read lots of great books. I recommend
A Guide to the Good Life
Island, by Aldous Huxley
DMT: The Spirit Molecule
I create an environment for productivity. For example, the cafe is for productivity and only that. I force myself to go there and get stuff done. Also, I created an area in my apartment for getting work done. I use a standing desk to keep myself from slouching back and being lazy, and also only use that desk for work related things to create that trigger to start the habit for myself.
All habits hace triggers, and for some people, arrive home is a trigger to get comfortable and lay back which is also a habit.
There is a whole book about habits: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0055PGUYU/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&amp;btkr=1
Here ya go:
http://amazon.com/Power-Habit-Why-What-Change-ebook/dp/B0055PGUYU/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1411160944&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=the+power+of+habit
I found it at the library but it was so good I may buy it.
Here's a very good book on the subject of Habits. It really goes into depth with the idea/science of habits and behavioral addictions
You need to know if you seriously got depression, and if you do how serious your depression is. Here's a book that'll give you an understanding of depression and solutions, and if the solutions don't help or if you got something more serious like PTSD, then I would recommend MDMA therapy, there has been good results yielded in clinical trials.
edit: to get MDMA therapy(underground therapy) you're gonna to make phone calls/ email people
Looks like you're "stealing" a book title, there.
This book explains it well:
https://www.amazon.com/White-Fragility-People-About-Racism/dp/0807047414
White Fragility: Why It's So Hard for White People to Talk About Racism https://www.amazon.com/dp/0807047414/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_ScJWCbQ2VCE0D
In the Shadow of Statues: A White Southerner Confronts History https://www.amazon.com/dp/0525559442/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_udJWCb7H07RV6
What was the context?
Some anti-theists like to act as if their beliefs are superior because they're proven by science, but science can only disprove things and can NEVER prove anything with absolute certainty.
"Understanding the world" sounds, to me, like a claim of know something with certainty. All I know with certainty is that I know nothing, so I think trying to "understand the world" is futile...
http://www.amazon.com/Black-Swan-Impact-Highly-Improbable/dp/1400063515
He is consistent in his approach, he isn't a stale zombie stuck on dead ideas. His ideas are part of a growing understanding of the failures of our current methods/conventions. Other thinkers are speaking/writing on relevant and related topics, such as Nassim Taleb - see The Black Swan and Daniel Gilbert's "Stumbling on Happiness".
We cannot turn back time. Any changes in current policy and procedure will have to work with the conditions of NOW. Your arguments/ideas are weak if you rely on false concepts such as someone can enact policies/theories in such a way that could re-create conditions of the past similarly or in some identical way. I do not believe a cutting of spending by the Federal-levels of government would revert us to some previous, less evolved political/social state.
I disagree with your estimation and interpretation of Ron Paul's 'strategies'. I do not think he is for 'burning down the house' as you say, but for serious appraisal and cutting back on a system that is out of control. I do not hear him talking about destroying anything but the false concepts and institutions that are in actuality and quite obviously disgracing and devaluing our country's society, values, and influence. Sometimes, when you leave your garden to be tended by others and forget to care for it yourself, you realize that it's been neglected and mis-used. It is at this time you either walk away or you get up and start clearing the weeds and the trash before you start re-planting and building anew.
>99% of whites are not bourgeois. You are racist scum.
[citation needed]
Might I recommend this book to you
No. No it doesn't. I'm tired of this (very tired) argument.
It is a representation of the desired body image. Read the book You Are Not So Smart and read the chapter about why women flock to rich old guys and why men will fuck a Real Doll.
We want better than what's average or normal, we want the best, so we make it happen. The 70% hip-to-waist ratio is ideal, but we're more drawn to a 50% ratio, which would effectively kill any woman who tried to give a natural birth if she had those measurements.
/rant