(Part 3) Top products from r/Advice

tldr: You have tremendous opportunities. There are tools to help you move forward more easily.

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Just to be sure I'm understanding, how accurately does the following describe your situation?

• you've experienced lack of compassion, reliability, and accountability with family members;
  
• you continue to live with family for cultural, religious, and financial reasons;
  
• your family isn't emotionally healthy or emotionally supportive;
  
• you haven't found a role in society that you enjoy yet where society sufficiently supports to your lifestyle through compensation;
  
• you haven't gathered a reliable and consistent circle of friends yet;
  
• you believe you're not good enough or deserving enough to have your needs, desires, and dreams satisfied;
  
• you believe that your circumstances won't change, no matter what choices or actions you take, no matter what time, energy, money, and other resources you apply to change your situation;
  
• you believe that enduring suffering is the rational choice since influencing change is impossible;
  
• you experience depression plus loneliness in terms of companionship, friendship, and romance; plus,
  
• you dream of photography, writing, and travel.
  
  ---
  
  It sounds like your circumstances are difficult. At the same time, your current situation is a sign of your incredible wisdom and persistence; you've achieved a lot in a short period of time. You have tremendous potential to move beyond your current circumstances, onto a path where you can meet your needs, experience the things you desire, and pursue your dreams. Most notably, the following:
  
  
• you're in a sufficiently/minimally healthy and safe place with free housing and meals;
  
• you're aware of your struggles and exploring potential solutions;
  
• most people earn their bachelor's degree at 22; you have a Masters degree at 23;
  
• most people are in significant debt, not just college related, at age 23; you have $11k in savings; and, most importantly,
  
• your have incredible wisdom and persistence, very powerful foundations to make change;
  
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  Do you have a life coach or mental health therapist? It sounds like you might experience learned helplessness.
  
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  Have you explored meditation and mindfulness? It might be helpful to either read, listen to, or watch content related to meditation (to quiet the internal negative voices) and mindfulness (to embrace natural suffering of life while inspiring experimentation to use your experiences, talents, and other resources to improve the world around you as much as possible, not only for yourself, but also for others around you). Regardless of your religious and spiritual beliefs, meditation and mindfulness might offer many useful perspectives and habits that are compatible with most (if not all) religious and spiritual communities. Perhaps just start with listening to Acknowledging Suffering by Gil Fronsdal, which is part of The Twelve Steps to Freedom series while your mindlessly browsing the 'nets. Or, Suffering and the End of Suffering Series - Talk 1, Talk 2, Talk 3, and Talk 4. Note the concepts that resonate most with you, then explore those using a variety of mindfulness and meditation resources, perhaps including the following:
  
  
• Common Ground Meditation Center Audio Library
  
• Dharma Seed Audio Library
  
• Thich Nhat Hanh Dharma Talks Blog/Audio
  
• Amaravati Buddhist Monastery Audio Library
  
• Audio Dharma
  
• Shambhala Meditation Center Audio Library
  
• Awake in the World Podcast
  
• The Daily Meditation Podcast
  
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  Have you read Tao of Pooh written by Benjamin Hoff? Imagine you are a block of wood. Would it be better – more compassionate, more wise, and more persistent — to shape yourself to fit into the world as it is, or find a place where you naturally fit in as you are, or a little bit of both?
  
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  Have you read the book The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom written by Don Miguel Ruiz? It suggests that simply doing 4 things will help to slowly improve your life and the world around you, perhaps not day-to-day or week-to-week or even month-to-month, but fairly noticeably from year-to-year, and certainly over an entire lifetime.
  
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  Have you taken the Myers-Briggs personality test? It may be helpful to better understand your personality type and natural tendencies. Granted, personality tests are not 100% accurate. But, even if they are only 80% accurate, having some awareness about your personality and tendencies may be helpful for discovering the best path available for your life's journey. Sufficiently valid and reliable (and most importantly, free) versions of the test can be found via 16Personalities, Truity, and Humanmetrics. Once you identify your personality type, you can learn more about that type on those and other websites. Note that characteristics that resonate most with you. Ignore the ones that don't.
  
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  Have you identified strategies to make the most of your limited time, energy, talents, finances, and other resources with your unique circumstances given the world around you? What are your strengths and weaknesses? What opportunities and threats/challenges exist in the world around you? How might you apply your strengths to the world's opportunities as your unique empowerment strategies? How might you apply your strengths to the world's threats/challenges as your unique improvement strategies? How might you apply your weaknesses to the world's opportunities as your unique assistance strategies? How might you apply your weaknesses to the world's threats/challenges as your unique avoidance strategies? For example, in a table like this with 3 to 5 bullet points in each of the 8 main sections (i.e. not the upper left-hand corner box):
  
  External / Internal | Strengths to Maximize | Weaknesses to Minimize
  :---------------------|:------------------------:|---------------------------:
  Opportunities to Maximize | Empowerment Strategies | Improvement Strategies
  Threats / Challenges to Minimize | Assistance Strategies | Avoidance Strategies
  
  ---
  
  What are your core values? What do you believe is the purpose of life, in general, or better yet: the purpose of your life, specifically (especially if you've identified strategies to make the most of your limited time, energy, talents, finances, and other resources with your unique circumstances given the world around you)?
  
  ---
  
  Have you explored how you might build a decently-paying job or career in light of your limited time, energy, talents, finances, and other resources with your unique circumstances given the world around you? Have you read Business Model You: A One-Page Method For Reinventing Your Career written by Tim Clark, Alexander Osterwalder, and Yves Pigneur? Or, explored ["how might I get started as a travel blogger or photographer?"](https://www.google.com/search?q=how+to+get+started+as+a+travel+(blogger+OR+photographer)
  

I understand your fears. My parents did so many things wrong and I was scared about making the same mistakes and pressured myself hard to make better and different choices with my kid.

I can tell you that you won't make the same mistakes. What other parents told me (before I was parent) was the fact that if I'm even worried about it now, I will already make me a better parent. Shitty parents don't worry about stuff like this.

I would suggest probably getting some therapy to work out whatever fears/issues you have before having kids. I started therapy when my kid was 2 because I was struggling (they're 13 now) because I didn't feel confident in what I was doing. Honestly, I don't know any parent that feels 100% confident, but you can feel like you're doing a pretty good job.

Children need to feel that they can succeed through their own efforts. This is why helicopter parenting is really detrimental. If you never let them strike out on their own, how will they learn and grow from their mistakes and choices? How will they gain confidence when they overcome an obstacle and succeed if you're doing everything for them?

Your kids will always need your help. Your job is to help them realize that through learning, natural consequences, and internal validation, they can and will be successful, capable, and confident adults.

I really liked these parenting books here:

https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/0743525086

And this one: https://www.amazon.com/Mindset-Psychology-Carol-S-Dweck/dp/0345472322/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1504723615&sr=1-1&keywords=mindset

And this one here (and I'd still recommend it to parents of boys as well. Doesn't matter if you have only boys): https://www.amazon.com/Untangled-Guiding-Teenage-Transitions-Adulthood/dp/0553393073/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1504723655&sr=1-1&keywords=untangled

This is also a really interesting read and has helped me as well: https://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_i_1_14?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=the+child+whisperer&sprefix=The+Child+whis%2Cstripbooks%2C139&crid=26CCWQN87K6MP

Also a therapy technique called Inner Bonding. Anyone can learn it and it's easy to teach to kids as well: /r/ibtherapy.

It's just never really taught/learned by non-Indians, so most people would never even think of it.

I started off by buying this great book: https://www.amazon.com/Teach-Yourself-Hindi-Complete-Language/dp/034086687X/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1468899902&sr=1-3&keywords=teach+yourself+hindi

I taught myself how to read and write first (their script is called Devangari) while watching some Bollywood movies to hear how it should sound. After that, I just went through the entire book to learn the basics of spoken Hindi. By the end of the book, I could read/write whatever I want, and had a basic grasp on simple Hindi.

When I finished the book, I took two semesters of Hindi in college under a great teacher. By the end of these two semesters, I was as comfortable with Hindi as I was with Spanish after three years of high school. Again, I watched Bollywood movies and listened to Hindi music frequently the whole time. I had watched over 100 Bollywood films at this point.

Things got a little weird after that. Due to schedule conflicts, I took a semester off of Hindi (skipping 3rd semester), then skipped right into 4th semester Hindi the following semester. My teacher for 4th semester was awful, so I really didn't learn anything. Next year, due to lack of Hindi teachers, 5th semester Hindi was blended with an advanced graduate level Hindi literature course taught by an extremely intelligent professor. I was basically a 2nd-year Hindi student in a graduate level Hindi class, and it was really too over my head for me to learn anything. So, sadly, I ended college with probably 2-3 semesters worth of Hindi knowledge.

Learning Hindi on your own is possible, but difficult. There are much fewer resources than Spanish or French, and even fewer people to practice talking with. With dedication, it can be done. If your university offers courses, they're usually great. The one thing Hindi had going for it was its films and music, which I found entertaining enough to spend a lot of time getting into, and it let me have an masterful grasp on how the language should sound and be spoken. My grammar and vocabulary may not be the best, but my pronunciation is excellent. I actually sang Hindi songs every semester at cultural shows, and Indian parents were always coming up to me afterwards astonished at how indistinguishable my pronunciation was from native speakers.

Toward the end of college, the culture had become more important to me than the language. I spent my time focused on dancing (Bhangra and Bollywood Fusion), singing, and watching films, and my Indian friends didn't really speak Hindi among each other. That said, if I took the time to study on my own more, I could probably be fluent.

Right now, I'd be comfortable going to India and getting around with just Hindi, but I couldn't maintain an intellectual discourse or debate with somebody. I can understand the gist of a movie without subtitles, but I prefer to leave them on so I don't get confused in complicated scenes with difficult vocabulary. I can understand a good portion of what I hear in music, but Hindi sentence structure is much more fluid than English, so it's hard to follow. Words in a sentence can be changed around to almost any order (often in music/poems, less often in written/spoken Hindi), so it's hard to follow sometimes.

Edit: I didn't answer some of your specific questions. When I taught myself how to read/write, I spent maybe an hour per day doing flashcards. I had all their characters memorized in a week. During college, I'd maybe spend 30 minutes to an hour at home doing homework or studying per night. There was a two year period where I watched a Bollywood movie once ever 2-3 days, and they're 3 hours each. I listened to Hindi music as often as I would listen to any other music, so pretty frequently. I taught myself the basics with the book I linked earlier, and during college I used a book our university had made, so it can't be bought. With some googling, there are a few online books/resources you can use to learn Hindi for free. I would recommend not using Rosetta Stone--it's inefficient.

I started learning Hindi 6 years ago, and I rarely use it now, but I still dance, and I still maintain a bunch of Indian friends. I still watch and listen to Hindi movies and music. I frequently attend Indian cultural events (or perform at them). I have a lot of Indian coworkers, and my understanding of their culture has made me get along with them well. I grew up in a small, 99% white town, and learning Hindi was the key to me adopting another culture. It simply wouldn't have happened without starting to learn Hindi. My life is profoundly different (in the best way) than what it would have been if I just took French in college and never got into the culture (because French culture isn't really that different from American culture, compared to something like Indian culture). I feel like I now live in two worlds, American and Indian, and I feel like a much better person than I ever have been before.

Sorry this was so rambling and incoherent--I was too lazy to edit.

You need to go read The Truth by Neil Strauss. Strauss was in the same exact situation as you are now - grew up unattractive, learned how to get girls, became a player, got into a committed relationship but couldn't stop cheating - and, inevitably, he got caught. This book goes through the real reasons why he couldn't stop cheating, how it fucked up his relationship with someone he loved more than anything, everything he tried to address it that didn't help, and what did help. He ended up repairing his relationship with her after spending 3 years apart working through his bullshit.

I know you're good at hiding this - so was Strauss. You're still going to get caught.

You talk about the thrill of the chase a lot, and about how you're your girlfriends second guy ever. I think there's a few things going on here, probably mostly subconscious for you. First off, there's a madonna-whore complex at play. In your head, your girlfriend is a good girl - you love her, desire her, and want to protect her, but there's a line in your head between madonna-archetypes like her and the whore-archetypes you hook up with, and on some level you take it for granted that you'll never experience the thrill of the hunt with a "good girl" you're in a committed relationship with. You believe that nobody can be both. I'm pointing this out because this is a belief, not a fact. Second, and again I think this is a subconscious belief, I suspect that you intermittently feel trapped when you're in a committed relationship, and cheating is an outlet that lets you feel like she doesn't have all of you. Cheating becomes a way to hold a part of yourself back from the relationship - you build walls by lying and withholding information from your girlfriend, by going on sexual adventures with other people instead of with her. People tend to avoid intimacy in this way because true intimacy - giving their partners "too much" of themselves - feels suffocating. This suggests a deep insecurity about boundaries - possibly you don't trust your partner to respect them, possibly you don't trust yourself to set and maintain them. Third - because you're constantly throwing up walls, you've never experienced the absolute thrill of intimacy within a committed relationship. You're chasing the thrill of novelty and random connection and cutting yourself off from a thrill that, I can tell you from personal experience, is even more powerful.

I feel a lot of compassion for you, and it's commendable that you're reaching out. You said that you know this doesn't feel right, and hopefully some of what I've written is close enough to your truth to get you closer to understanding why that is. Please go read that book. It made a huge difference for me, and if you can commit to working through this I think you'll be living a much happier life than you are now.

How much debt? Anyway, I'm with you - any amount is bad.

If she gets upset at you for giving good advice, I hate to say it but take it as a real cue about how long term your relationship is going to be - you're trying to help her and it doesn't sound like she respects your opinion, and it's not about a small insignificant thing. How she hands her money might affect you in the future because if you get married it will become your debt as well.

It also sounds like she feels like her options are limited and that piling on schooling will automatically result in success, regardless of the mound of debt that's accumulating. Maybe start by trying to talk to her about the motivation behind what she's doing, and where she things it is going to go. Sounds like she wants the easy path and doesn't admit to her failures.

On money, if it is the issue (I don't think it is) you might consider these books for her, which she could also take as a total slap in the face, but worth maybe a try:

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0310337429/ref=dbs_a_def_rwt_hsch_vapi_taft_p1_i2

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1937077594/ref=dbs_a_def_rwt_bibl_vppi_i1

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1937077977/ref=dbs_a_def_rwt_bibl_vppi_i1

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Also, consider attending Financial Peace University (https://www.financialpeace.com) together. Tell her it's something you're interested in, and you'd love it if she attended with you as a couple. I'm sure you'll hear plenty of other people talking about student loans and how they were saddled with debt. Maybe it would help her to hear from other people's stories.

I'm not an artist, but I'm sure it depends on what kind of art you're talking about. Becoming a graphic designer is likely wayyyy different from becoming a painter.

There are probably a million books you could read about this, like this one:

https://www.amazon.com/Becoming-Artist-Reinventing-Yourself-Creativity/dp/0345456300

There are probably a million subreddits and forums specific to art. Consider posting / searching on there for more information.

It's never a bad idea to have a good core education. Many artists need to supplement their work with "real jobs," so you ideally want to have a solid basis and understanding of business, etc. Business in particular could help you manage your own art as a business too.

Consider whether to apply for / attend an art school.

If you have particular artists you look up to, consider trying to reach out to them for advice/mentorship.

More than anything, PRACTICE YOUR CRAFT. Study art. Visit art museums. Try different mediums. Learn different techniques. Art, like most things, takes a LOT of hard work. There are a LOT of talented artists out there, and only a small percentage of them make careers as artists. It will take dedication and determination. But it can be done!

Good luck!

I would recommend reading the book "On the shortness of life" by Roman stoic philosopher Seneca.

http://www.amazon.com/Shortness-Life-Penguin-Great-Ideas/dp/0143036327


In this short book, Seneca shows us that if we take a step back and look at how we live our lives, we will see that we waste A LOT of it doing useless activities. By the end of our lives, we are saddened by the fact that we have little time left to live, and are regretful of things that we chose not to do. The point of the book, in my opinion, is to wake up the reader and to show him/her that they should live everyday like it's their last because we are never 100% certain that we will be alive the next day! Having this knowledge about the fickleness of our lives gives many of us MOTIVATION to get up and do something! It's kinda like when people say YOLO (or at least, used to say :D) You will be more motivated to do something if you know that the clock is ticking and that your time on this planet is quickly coming to an end. Think about the potential uses of this knowledge: Afraid of taking to that cute boy or girl? If you know that you're time is limited on this planet, this might give you a bit more of a reason to talk to that person, right?

In regards to your recent case of loneliness and boredom, I would recommend that you improve yourself (your character) by reading as much helpful information as you can about how to live the best life possible. I think a great place to start is to read some Stoic philosophers and understand their ideas (go to the subreddit /r/stoicism for more info). Self-help books are always nice too.


Hope this helps, message me if you ever need someone to talk to, i'd be glad to do so!

Oh wow. As to specific books. Hmm. That's sort of all over the place but each one had something to offer. The ones I remember are:

• Conversations with God books 1 and 2.
  
  
• The Power of Now
  
  
• Sacred Heart Yoga
  
  
• Change You Aura Change Your Life
  
  
• Children Who Remember Previous Lives
  
  
• Old Souls
  
  
• Dreams, Evolution and Value Fulfillment
  
  
• A New Earth
  
  
• Practicing the Power of Now
  
  
• The Chakra Deck and The Walking Deck
  
  
• Some books by Doreen Virtue
  
  
• Some books by Deepak Chopra
  
  Books on my list to read:
  
  
• The Mind Made Prison
  
  
• The Untethered Soul
  
  
• The 7 Ancient Keys to Happiness
  
  
• Zen and the Perception of Happiness
  
  
• Making Sense of People
  
  
• The End of Your World
  
  
• Flow
  
  
• Starting from the End
  
  
• Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Dummies
  
  I have also dabbled in the study of Zen and a few types of Buddhism, Tao, other Eastern Religions and philosophies as well as some Western religions, ho'oponopono, mindfulness and reiki.
  
  Deepak Chopra and Eckhart Tolle have some good techniques for separating yourself from your ego.

I mean things that allow her to hit her lowest point Something that helps her wake up to the fact that her actions have serious consequences to herself and the people she loves. Usually that means some form of tough love. Take a look at the link for specific examples.

With her background, it sounds like she is dealing with a lot of really heavy stuff. Has she seen a therapist to help her work through all of her emotions?

I'd also recommend this book about mother/daughter relationships

I think many people experience this feeling to a greater or lesser degree.

Social norms change from group to group and with age and for a lot of other reasons, and just when you think you have got it right someone changes them again.

There is a fine line between trying to fit in and trying to have a mind of your own and be your own person.

Personally I prefer being me, not what someone else wants me to be. The people I attract are those with a bigger view of the world. Those that I put off are generally the ones I would want to steer clear of (in my mind insincere and shallow).

A good book to look at is How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie.

I've just released a short ebook on using vaping to quit smoking.

It's free at the moment, give it a quick read!

This is the US link but it's available across all Amazon sites 👌

https://www.amazon.com/Vaping-cking-Stupid-within-weeks-ebook/dp/B081J98MDX

> they’re bringing in an independent HR consultant soon to do an evaluation of our practices

Good. How soon?

> if she had done this to someone else, I would talk to her about it

That's a great way to frame it. I recommend this be your approach. If the HR consultant is slated to come within the month, I would wait for them. Otherwise... yeah, you will need to have that difficult conversation.

This book is a good resource for that:

https://www.amazon.ca/Difficult-Conversations-Discuss-What-Matters/dp/0143118447

Clearly explain what you mean by emotional abuse (vs. physical) and you'll get more valuable advice here.

​

If you mean your parents were too controlling and critical bringing the police into the scene is simply ridiculous and will simply make things worse. (How could you do that to us etc.)

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Slowly read a copy of Bloomfield's Making Peace with Your Parents and you'll get a handle on your mixed feelings. (I love my parents but they treat me poorly) You don't have to do anything with your parents but you must do the resentment lists to truly benefit.

​

Give a copy to your therapist and work through it together. It'll slow his rapport wrecking hair trigger approach.

So, the author of this book had a very similar thing happen. She saw a doctor and discovered that she had a pinched nerve in her pelvis that was preventing her from achieving a full sexual release. Please consult a doctor, review your medical history, and make sure that everything is OK neurologically with you.

On the rare occasion when I have little to do (cough), I purchase a book on Kindle and read it on my monitor using my browser at http://read.amazon.com . I'm currently reading The Vikings: A History. The last one I read, which I highly recommend, was Letter to a Christian Nation.

The Purpose Driven Life: What on Earth Am I Here For?
by Rick Warren

I hesitantly recomend Jordan Peterson to anyone, but his psychology is very sound in self help. He's shit a politics, so dont fall into the rabbit hole of those beliefs. Anyways his self help book has helped many many peoples. 12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos https://www.amazon.com/dp/0141988517/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_.jpEDb78ZTXMS

1. Stop watching horror.
   
2. Read a rationalist book: https://www.amazon.com/Demon-Haunted-World-Science-Candle-Dark/dp/0345409469

Your man is under crazy stress right now. What he could really use is a nice warm cup of love from his wife. Are you the kind of person you would want to come home to, if you were in his shoes? Could you make an effort to be, if you are not?

I don't want to come across as if I'm dumping all responsibility for relationship troubles on you, but you haven't mentioned any especial stress in your life except that he is unavailable. Remember that when he is out doctoring, you are unavailable as well. He can't come home and get a hug when he needs it. He probably misses you a lot. Then he comes home tired and stressed and his wife is grumpy? This is not a recipe for marital success.

>I am afraid you are going to leave after your boards. Tell me you intend to stay and I will try to not (insert sub-optimal behavior). I'm so scared of losing you that it is messing me all up. Tell me you love me and you are not leaving.

Give that one round. Do it a bunch of times and you're saying you're not trusting him when he says he's staying, which sucks for him. After that, try to be pleasant. It's hard to be married to a dr. and it's hard to be newlywed. Hell it's hard to be a family where both people work outside the house - but remember why you got together.

Not everybody likes the author, but this has helped my own wife to understand her husband a bit more. You might have a look at: https://www.amazon.com/Proper-Care-Feeding-Husbands/dp/0060520620