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I have had my own struggles with a large variety of addictive behaviors.

I have also spent a very long time learning about how to help people w addictive behaviors.

My guess is, as I see this a lot with a broad variety of people, that you have never given meditation/mindfulness a real shot. The fact that you conflate them with asmr and warm milk isn't helping your case.

for meditation to work, it requires deliberate, consistent practice over extended periods of time. daily practice.

The addicted brain makes us believe that we need our vices/other drugs and that nothing else will do. This, I believe, is mostly a trick our reward-obsessed neural circuitry is playing on us.

This book by Jud Brewer completely blew my mind about all of this. This book about habits is also awesome and super relevant.

I'm not pretending like meditation and deliberate habit change are easy or magic, but with time they are enormously helpful for virtually everyone, in my experience/opinion, and that of many people with a lot more experience than I have.

And you were asking for something that provides a nice, euphoric calm without ataxia. I can't think of a better answer than meditation. The coolest thing about meditation is that it works better the more you do it.. which is quite the opposite of most psychotropic chemicals.

You can keep meandering down the poison path, friend, but I doubt you'll find what you're looking for there. Might want to trust those of us who've walked further down that path already and found it quite lacking.

good luck out there

I highly recommend the book Uppers, Downers, All Arounders as a great intro text about psychoactive drugs. (I linked the most recent version, but older versions are still awesome and are much cheaper.)

Do some research into the active ingredients to find a solvent they are sufficiently soluble in. Crush your pills as well as you can. I suggest you break them down using something hard and flat at first, then use a bic lighter. Rub the powdered pills with the side of the lighter redundantly to create as much surface area as possible. Use a knife, scalpel, or razor blade to scrape the powder off the surface you were rubbing it on. Chop it up for a couple minutes. Warm your solvent a bit if you need to, then mix the powder into it. Shake and stir it for several minutes. Filter off the undissolved binders using a coffee filter, or if you value your time and medication more than money get a manual vacuum filter. You're going to need filter paper for that too.

If the solvent you used isn't an irritant, measure the volume of the solution you retrieved from the filter flask. Figure out whether or not your solution is as concentrated or dilute as you want. To dilute it, add solvent. To concentrate it, evaporate or boil off the solvent. Make sure your medication isn't going to degrade at the temperature required to boil off your excess solvent.

If it is an irritant, boil off most of the solvent and evaporate the rest. Scrape up your dried medication and dissolve it in saline. I suggest you use Snoot nasal spray bottles. God speed, OP.

You're way better off getting something like this:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Jung-Key-Ideas-Teach-Yourself/dp/1444103296/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1527626108&sr=8-1&keywords=jung+the+key+ideas

And then a general overall pharmacological textbook, maybe something like this:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Introduction-Pharmacology-Mary-Asperheim-Favaro/dp/1437717063

or

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Principles-Pharmacology-Pathophysiologic-Basis-Therapy/dp/1608312704

I don't know if I'd go so far as to call it a bible, but "The Chemistry of Mind Altering Drugs" by Daniel M. Perrine is one of the most comprehensive book regarding the pharmacology, history and culture of psychotropic substances I've come across at least. Would highly recommend it to anyone who wants to study the topic with as broad a lens as possible.

Stahls Essential Psychopharmacology is a great comprehensive introduction to the field of psychopharmacology. Will look up other stuff when off mobile.

Not a TV show, but a book I bought that I really like is Stahl's Essential Psychopharmacology. Not a light read, but very accessible without already being knowledgeable on how drugs work.

You should look into Dopa Mucuna. It's not strong or anything but it does help.

For example : (NOW Foods Dopa Mucuna 15% L-Dopa, 90 Vcaps https://www.amazon.com/dp/B001QG5F0W/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_oCopxbPE3VEH0)

I wouldn't take Ray Peat's ideas on serotonin too seriously. For heaven's sake, the man is afraid to eat bananas because he thinks they contain too much serotonin!

If you want a good summary of his ideas in terms of practicality, this ebook is only a few dollars:
https://www.amazon.com/Peat-Survival-Guide-Understanding-Realistically/dp/1517511941

Smart Weigh GEM20 High Precision Digital Milligram Scale 20 x 0.001g Reloading, Jewelry and Gems Scale https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00ESHDGOI/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_VJt0DbC3FRR9N

Sasha Shulgin suspected that there might be interesting compounds in the isoquinoline class, and they happen to be a wide ranging class of compounds found in many flora. I think he even wrote a book about it, but I haven't read it and don't know much beyond that.

Edit: The Simple Plant Isoquinolines

https://www.amazon.com/Drugs-Dreaming-Oneirogens-divinorum-Dream-Enhancing/dp/159477174X

https://www.amazon.com/Pihkal-Chemical-Story-Alexander-Shulgin/dp/0963009605/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1481918174&sr=1-1&keywords=pihkal+a+chemical+love+story

This is the collagen hydrolysate I meant https://www.amazon.com/Great-Lakes-Gelatin-Collagen-Hydrolysate/dp/B005KG7EDU

this is the gelatin https://www.amazon.com/Great-Lakes-Unflavored-Gelatin-16-Ounce/dp/B001ELLBJS/ref=pd_sim_325_1?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=B001ELLBJS&pd_rd_r=967Z4EXCEA5DKMADYHT8&pd_rd_w=BQYp4&pd_rd_wg=FHtsU&refRID=967Z4EXCEA5DKMADYHT8&th=1

https://www.amazon.com/Encyclopedia-Psychoactive-Plants-Ethnopharmacology-Applications/dp/0892819782

Here is the desktop version of your link

This product doesn't contain any of those, would you avoid it so? https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/71ofXXS1Y5L._SL1000_.jpg

https://www.amazon.co.uk/BULK-POWDERS-Magnesium-Bisglycinate-Tablets/dp/B00IZD37CW/ref=sr_1_21_s_it?s=drugstore&ie=UTF8&qid=1543521234&sr=1-21&keywords=Magnesium+glycinate

Ketamine doesn't really paralyze you but it severely impairs movement in a similar way to alcohol. It also doesn't selectively numb pain like you describe. I don't really know of any common drug that causes conscious paralysis without complete amnesia. It could've been another anesthetic like Propofol, though I don't know about its effects enough to say for certain.

There is also the possibility that you were put in to a dissociative state because of severe trauma. It can occur weather or not you have a history of psychosis or mental illness. The initial black out could've been caused be a benzodiazepine, GHB, or simmilar drug. Though, how you wrote this it seems you were in this state even before you were assaulted, so I don't know.

Id recommend getting these, they only test for benzodiazepines but there are similar products for ketamine and GHB.