(Part 2) Top products from r/AskWomenOver30

He is only very minorly hearing impaired, but it's likely to get worse, as his mother is almost completely deaf. For him, the main drawback is that he has to listen to music loudly. He works by himself (driving) so he can do that all day, every day. Thank god, because it's too loud for me.

As for how he conducts life as a person with intellectual interests:

• All of his friendships are conducted via email. I am not joking. We've been together 5 years, and he's gone out for coffee with friends exactly three times. With acquaintances/coworkers he partly lipreads, partly just reads the situation well to decide what's appropriate. He does not, as you seem to, crave human interaction, so he doesn't feel like he's missing out on some greater connection if he just makes the appropriate polite noises and moves on.
  
  
• He has what might be termed 'intellectual pen pals'. This is how our relationship started. He writes to his friends about what he is reading, and they (we) discuss it. Text is an amazing medium for this because you can fully expand your arguments and you never get sidetracked or interrupted. I actually miss that since we took our relationship IRL. Conversations lack rigour! lol He also writes to authors whose books he enjoys. He just had a good conversation last week with Anthony Kronman. I think he's angling for an early review copy of his next book ;)
  
  
• He devotes himself to a few, close relationships. By a few, I mean three, not including me. He tolerates my desire to go out and interact with people but rarely participates. His three people are spread across the country, so a strong text-based relationship is a strength, not a weakness.
  
  I asked him what advice he would offer you and he suggested that you were most likely fishing in the wrong pond-- that the concentration of people you'd enjoy spending time with is likely to be particularly low on Tinder (he's never used online dating, though, so don't take that as gospel)
  
  Instead, he thought you should simply "do his thing" and "follow the Tao" -- meaning, seek to fulfill yourself intellectually, live your best life, and if a relationship happens, it happens. When I pointed out that "doing your thing" consisted of reading a book at home, alone, he said that at the very least you could probably find a philosophy club at a university or take Adult Ed classes at the local college.
  
  We both agree that if human interaction is important to you, then you'd be better off concentrating on going where people with active "lives of the mind" gather, rather than pursuing a relationship per se. When I lived in rural Canada, that place was the internet-- there was nothing for me, locally. In fact, before meeting my husband, I simply assumed that intellectual pursuits were simply going to have to be a personal quirk or hobby; I had no expectation of ever finding a dateable person who also wanted to read deeply and discuss things and push out the edges of his understanding. So I quite empathize with where you're coming from, and I hope something in here helps.

The most useful thing I have found is to cultivate a habit of smiling whenever you greet someone or pass someone you recognize, whenever they're speaking to you about something neutral or positive, or any other time that you're at a loss how to express happiness or friendliness. (I developed this habit because my resting face apparently looks forlorn, and I was tired of people asking me what was wrong.)

Smiling makes you seem more approachable, and it tends to be infectious; seeing you look happy helps other people feel happy, and people who feel happy around you will naturally gravitate to you, even if you're quiet or shy.

Practice realistic smiles. It's not enough to curl your mouth; you have to smile with your eyes (in fact, you can do almost anything with your mouth and still have it read as joy if you smile with your eyes). There are different muscles involved with real smiles and fake-looking smiles, too (for example, showing your lower teeth is indicative of a fake smile).

If, like me, you struggle a bit with understanding facial expressions and the muscles involved in making them, this is a great resource (not just for artists, despite the title). This book can also help you read other people's subtle expressions, which aids being more empathetic and likeable.

36 here, and going through POI/premature menopause myself. No fun. I know you're not there yet, but it's great that you want to arm yourself with info so that you're prepared. One really helpful resource is the Menopause Taylor channel on YouTube. Barbie Taylor is a retired OB/GYN who has created a series of videos to help educate women about ALL aspects of menopause, peri- and beyond. She's a little quirky, but soooo knowledgeable, and has been a lifesaver for me with her one-on-one consultations. Most doctors have no clue when it comes to this stuff. (Hang around /r/menopause long enough and you'll hear that again and again.)

In terms of books, I would say stockpile all the ones from your library and see what resonates with you. There's Suzanne Somers, who is not a medical expert but shares her experience on bioidentical hormones; Christiane Northrup, for a very integrative approach on women's health; and countless other books (can't attest to most) that will at least prepare you, even if their proposed solutions aren't up your alley. For other women under 40 who may see this and who are going through it early, the best book I've read is Kathryn Petras's The Premature Menopause Book.

And yes, there are podcasts, too! I haven't listened to any of the ones I downloaded yet, since I've been taking a breather from my incessant research, but just search for perimenopause and give a few a listen. Good luck!

There is a book called Feeling Good by David D Burns. It's an older book, but one of the best out there for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Not all chapters will be relevant to the issue, but there are a lot of good exercises in the book for when you're stressing over it. I do a modified version of one of the techniques where I write down my "hot thoughts" or automatic thoughts, and then my "cool thoughts" which are the more rational truths to the situation.


So if you're thinking "Our relationship is spoiled because he was with another woman" you can sit down and write out things like, "That's not true, many relationships go through all kinds of rough patches and it doesn't mean they're spoiled." "We're both doing a lot of work to make sure we're honest and open with each other." etc etc

Have you considered going to couples therapy?

I think that the next time she tells you something like she feels like she's putting in 100% of the work you could just tell her that you want to be a better partner for her, maybe you could do therapy together to be sure that you properly address her concerns.

You can go with "Obviously I'm just not understanding, but I would like to and I think this would help us communicate about what you want from our relationship."

(You have your own problems but suggesting going to therapy isn't a good time to bring up your problems lol.)

You could also consider reading the 5 Love Langauges, maybe somehow you're just not expressing to her in a way she resonates with: https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2OGN6I57BGLOY&keywords=5+love+languages+by+gary+chapman&qid=1557866049&s=books&sprefix=5+love+%2Cstripbooks%2C161&sr=1-1

There's also a free quiz you can both take: https://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/ (IMO you can learn just as much to imrpove your relationship from both taking the quiz, both reading about the different styles of love languages conceptually, and both committing to knowing each other's primary languages AND your own.)

I haven't read this book, but a mentor of mine says it saved her marriage: https://www.amazon.com/Fighting-Your-Marriage-Best-seller-Preventing/dp/0470485914

I think every woman's "normal" is individualistic.

I shave everything off (legs, armpits, pubes) once week; legs and pits every other day during the summer. Twice a month I shave my arms and face because it feels really good, I like the exfoliation, and my hair grows slowly and soft. I pluck my eyebrows and upper lip when need be, so maybe like every couple of weeks or so.

I don't wear any makeup at all; I think the last time I did was maybe 4-5 years ago.

I only use bar soap with minimal ingredients in order to lessen the toxic burden. I try to treat my skin as delicate fabric, not a dirty floor to be scrubbed with harsh chemicals.

In terms of hair care, I have thick, wavy hair that I simply wash; no products, I just set my waves while my hair is wet so that it's not frizzy. I use diluted lemon juice a couple times a week to clarify my hair.

Always clean and fitted clothes, teeth flossed and brushed.

Two well-balanced meals per day, no snacking, 99% of my meals are homecooked with whole foods and full fat, nothing ever bottled/packaged or processed. I only drink black coffee, unsweetened tea, wine, beer, or water. I definitely allow myself dessert when I crave it, or eat junk food at parties/other people's homes if offered, but I do not buy it and keep it in my home. Michael Pollan's In Defense of Food: An Eater's Manifesto is a good one to abide by. I walk everywhere (I live in NYC).

Basic philosophy: minimal, clean, natural, and groomed.

I probably sound like a shill for this book, but The Beauty Myth positively impacted my body image. I can't recommend it highly enough to anyone feeling down when they compare themselves to the images prevalent in our culture.

Agree with everyone here but on the sunscreen note- I’ve been using Avene tinted facial sunscreen and it’s amazing! Mind you I don’t wear makeup but I feel like I don’t need to with this!

And drink lots of water!!

https://www.amazon.com/Eau-Thermale-Sunscreen-Resistant-Non-Greasy/dp/B07RGT9YTK

This super cool nonfiction book called The Butchering Art about Joseph Lister and the advent of germ theory and antiseptic.

It's kind of graphic so if you're not cool reading about guts and pus then maybe it's not for you. But I love it.

Not decades because I was only 15, but I once said I wish I’d met my paternal bio-grandfather and my mom suddenly tells me “No you don’t because he (did something bad I don’t want to put on the internet).” Just dropped it on me.

Anyway, welcome to the tribe. I totally understand why families hide that, and a lot families did. "Just easier for a kid to be part of the majority, right?" Everyone wants what they think is the best/easiest life for their child. I disagree with the tactic, but I understand the motive.

You might be interested in this book by a Scottish Jew. His situation was much...more horrible, but still. I met the guy and he's a total sweetheart, but seems to still have identity issues. Quite understandably.

The Secret Keeper by Kate Morton ( The Secret Keeper: A Novel https://www.amazon.com/dp/B007EECSFA/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_6lnJDbXKCNBKK )

The Secret Life of Violet Grant by Beatriz Williams ( The Secret Life of Violet Grant (The Schuler Sisters Novels) https://www.amazon.com/dp/0425274845/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_agnJDbGQCZSZS )

(Actually, any book by these two authors. They are wonderful)

The Magic Circle by Katherine Neville ( The Magic Circle https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00YTFTB2K/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_4mnJDbT5PRE0K ). This is on sale right now at $2.00

Garden Spells by Sarah Addison Allen
( Garden Spells: A Novel (Waverly Family) https://www.amazon.com/dp/055338483X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_uunJDb2P5VPHX )

The Cuckoo's Calling by Robert Galbraith (which is a pseudonym for J.K. Rowling) ( The Cuckoo's Calling (Cormoran Strike Book 1) https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00AA20E5Y/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_WwnJDbGFGZNJP)

Another book recc: Why Does He Do That it is by no means a perfect book, but it sounds like your dude fits the bill for what that book describes seriously well.

His behaviour as you described it sounds abusive. I can't comment on whether your behaviour was or not because the only things listed in which you, specifically, did something wrong are:

>One day when he was telling me that he didn't regret cheating on me, I hit him. He told me I was crazy.
>Another time when I told him I was glad his ex cheated on him he slapped me on the stomach and told me I made him do it.

And if both those things happened in the middle of the abuse you describe, well, Im not qualified to say what that means. Definitely agree with everyone that the best thing for you right now is to pursue therapy, to help you parse this.

Please check out the book Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud. Fantastic book for understanding relationships between family members, regardless of the circumstances.

I read this book and found the exercises incredibly helpful, both regarding career/hobby choices and relationship choices. It breaks down all the different flavors of noncommittal, looks at the different reasons/fears/etc that might be lurking underneath, and talks about more productive ways to engage with those feelings.

That's a cute way of saying "I cant dispute anything you've said, so I'm going to pretend to know better, mock you, and then run away".

Go read "The Red Queen". You'll learn a lot on this subject and I think you'll begin to understand where your mistakes lie.

Unfollow by Megan Phelps-Roper

She was a member of the Westboro Baptist Church, born into it, and participated wholeheartedly in its shenanigans for 25 years. Then she left.

As someone who also went through a rough deconversion experience (though from a denomination decidedly less whackadoodle than Westboro), I could relate to so much of what she wrote.

Irvin Yalom - Staring at the Sun. He was very preoccupied to ease people's anxiety over this. I particularly loved Love's Executioner, but that's not that much focused on death.