(Part 2) Top products from r/BDSMAdvice

A great place to start is to take these quizzes:

https://mojoupgrade.com/

https://bdsmtest.org/select-mode

BDSM is really an umbrella for many overlaping things, and these little quizzes can really be helpful to understand what kind of stuff you might be into, and what kinds of roles you're most drawn to.

After you take the Mojoupgrade quiz, you should have a list of exciting new ideas and things that might be fun to explore. If your partner also took the quiz (they totally should!), you might have one big list or two separate lists. Either's great. Use this to create a "menu" of stuff you like, putting some of the most exciting and 'want to try' stuff near the top. (Doesn't have to be perfect)

Next, plan out a scene. Look at the menus and pick, say, three things to try. Maybe choose a favorite of yours, one of theirs, and something you'll both like. But don't stress, you've got all the time in the world later on.

Have a fun, casual conversation where you talk just a little about what you're going to do together. "We're going to do x, then y, then maybe some z." Or whatever. Make it fun and playful, not super serious. This is called negotiation, and we typically do it "outside" or dynamics, meaning no-one is the dom or the sub during the convo, those roles come in the scene itself.

Decide on a safeword. An easy option is the 'stoplight system':

Red for "let's stop right now" and

Yellow for "I'm at my limit, we don't have to stop but let's take it down a notch."

Green means "all good, let's keep going."

(It's a two-word call and response: "Light?" "Green!" Super easy.)

Start the scene and try the things you discussed. Allow yourself to be a little silly and make mistakes if they happen. Strive for "most fun wins" rather than "I have to do this some specific 'right' way." It's okay to laugh; it's okay to take breaks, slow down, stop, or move to a less-intense thing than you planned.

Afterward, cuddle and spend low-key time together reconnecting. This is called aftercare, and it's critically important.

Later, talk about what worked well and what didn't work well, for next time.

Websites

https://www.xruniversity.com/ (free and great!)

https://www.kinkacademy.com/ (some free stuff, some paid content, all great!)

Books

I like The New Topping Book and The New Bottoming Book to get you started.

SM 101 is also a good place to start.

Reddit posts

Here are my favorite reddit posts for women who want to be dominant.

This is a great thread of simple ways to be dominant for beginners.

This is a great and practical guide to helping get a sub into subspace

ROPE BONDAGE ADVICE

TL;DR

Here are some great videos to get you started.

Here is a free online class when you have time and want to dive deeper.

Bondage - Online Courses

Crash Restraint an extensive, free, online rope bondage course. It can be a little tricky to navigate, and you need to make a free account, but once you understand how the site is laid out, it's really an incredible resource. If you wanted just one resource to take you from beginner to expert, this would be a great choice.

The Duchy, a chill rope bondage resource with free content, and paid content that costs $3-$5

Bondage - How-to Videos

Twisted Monk's How-To Videos Talks you through the ties out loud, which I find really helpful. (Also on youtube here.)

Two Knotty Boys How-To Videos Great basics, but a lot of the videos don't have verbal instruction, which I personally don't prefer.

Zed Ropework has a handful of good, clear videos on youtube

Watts The Safeword is a little goofy -- but that can be good! And their videos are simple and straightforward.

MorganThorneBDSM has some good beginner bondage videos (and a ton of other non-bondage BDSM content)

Epic Rope is low-key and enjoyable.

Bondage - Books

(Note, I linked to amazon but a lot of the books can be found MUCH cheaper elsewhere)

Douglas Kent's Complete Shibari: Land: 1 is my favorite, I think the instructions and photos are the clearest and most detailed, and there are a ton of useful ties.

Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage a beautiful book you could put on a coffee table, with tons of useful stuff, and steeped in history and culture, which I love. The line illustrations are, in my opinion, not as clear as a ton of photos would be.

Two Knotty Boys Showing You The Ropes, a chill, fun, approachable book. The choice of ties is a little all-over-the-place, and it doesn't feel like an extensive course so much as a small buffet of options.

Here are some great books on how to become less anxious and create healthier habits, which are full of specific, actionable advice.

The Upward Spiral (costs $10, but EXTREMELY worth the money imo. There is also a workbook that just came out.)

Hardcore Self Help: F**k Anxiety (free to read for Kindle Unlimited)

I would suggest creating a self care routine that you make a daily habit. Start with a small morning ritual and a small evening ritual, and gradually build it out from there. Things like walking, yoga/stretching/exercise, hydrating, cleaning your space, etc. can be game-changers if you do them consistently.

A really great book on creating habits like this is Atomic Habits by James Clear. For me and my partner, life-changing. (The book is worth it, because it is systematic - perfect for 'checklist people', but you can get a lot from just browsing his website too.)

Can second the idea of you coming along to the Pro Domme at least the first time to watch and maybe understand some, even if it feels super uncomfortable. In my marriage, I'm the kinky one, and he's vanilla. HE actually arranged for us to go see a Pro Domme together... so I could experience irl submission (yummy) and he could watch, learn (get hard, LOL). If she's a good Pro Domme, you can each talk to her in advance, if you like, and tell her some of what is going on. This context was helpful for our session, and she was almost like a sex therapist, too.

Going forward, the good thing about him seeing a Pro Domme is ... that she's a PROfessional. She isn't interested in stealing him from you, building a relationship with him, etc. From a fidelity standpoint, I think it's the safest option for him to fulfill these needs within your marriage.

There are a number of good books about carving out some sort of poly arrangement in a marriage, much like your husband described. One that I thought was good was "Designer Relationships" by Michaels and Johnson.

I can't speak to the breach of trust, but I'll share some poly resources with you: not all will apply to you, but I don't know what will and what won't.

A Guide To Hunting Unicorns: By A Unicorn
https://fetlife.com/groups/107/group_posts/1775830

https://www.unicorns-r-us.com

couples privilege
https://tacit.livejournal.com/578925.html

10 rules for good Polyamory
https://sexgeek.wordpress.com/2007/06/10/10-realistic-rules-for-good-non-monogamous-relationships/

The Polyamorist Next Door
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-polyamorists-next-door

https://greatist.com/live/learn-your-monogamy-style

If you're a straight man this book is supposed to be decent:
Playing Fair: A Guide to Nonmonogamy for Men into Women (Thorntree Fundamentals) https://www.amazon.com/dp/1944934383/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_EDXDCb95FBK5K


Podcasts:
Poly Weekly
http://polyweekly.com/

Multiamory
https://www.multiamory.com/

Erotic Awakening: (kink and poly podcast)
http://www.eroticawakening.com/

Loving without Boundaries
http://lovingwithoutboundaries.com/podcast/

events list:
https://polyevents.blogspot.com/2014/08/upcoming-events.html?m=1

This is a really great question.

I'm seeing a lot of service type answers in the comments, and for that aspect, I think it depends upon the style of service that you and your dom enjoy. For my Dom, he has a very stressful job and would rather I just "make it so" with a lot of the assignments/tasks he gives me, so he can relax and think about other things. The tasks can be anything from making dinner, doing laundry, buying household items before we run out(tp, medication, lotion, etc.) to things like plan and prepare international trips including things like airfare, hotel, activities. Other people may assist their Dom, by providing them a choice of options and then the Dom would get final say. Of course, as with anything, there are lots of ways to provide service. If you're inclined towards service, I would recommend the book Real Service as it helped me and my Dom have the conversation of what kind of service do we like, what style do I tend to do, what is acceptable for us, the mindset behind certain styles, and gave us ideas on what is realistic for us.

More importantly how do you define soft or subtle dominance? How subtle are you wanting?

Take a look at r/DDlg and r/littlespace (if you’ve not seen them already!) 🙂

Also, this book The Big Book for Littles: Tips &... https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1535100818?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share is really good. My Little has it, and I’ve read a bit of it, and it’s useful for both Littles and Daddies 🙂

You can use any thickness of rope, actually, but natural fibres excluding cotton are ideal. It really depends on what, how and who you are tying. 4-8mm is normal, and the most common is 5 or 6mm in several lengths of 8m each. Any less and you struggle to complete a tie component, any more and it gets too unwieldy but really it doesn't matter either way since that is why the goddess invented the hitch knot. This is a good book to start with, but ROPE CAN BE VERY DANGEROUS. The first time I ever got tied I got nerve damage because I was playing with another beginner. The BEST advice I can give you is get down to the rope workshops run by your local rope group. :-)

Also it sounds like you have the makings of a real dom. Good luck on your journey. I got a lot out of

The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play and the Erotic Edge https://www.amazon.com/dp/157344779X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_bzLTCbAMV27R9

When I developed my agreement template it was many many moons ago. I did a web search and looked at a variety of different approaches, formats and verbiage. From there I picked the format I liked, the approach that made sense for me, and individual paragraphs on language that resonated with me.

My application, I use the agreement terminology rather than the term contract, is mostly as a communication and negotiation tool that documents what each persons agrees to as far as responsibilities and commitments to the other(s) involved.

If I were to start fresh now, I’d leverage the insight from The Devil in the Details Trilogy of constructs and philosophy in general and more embraced the ideas especially in structure and format at for a contract or agreement at least.

Also, I appreciate that for you in your relationship level 2 submissive has meaning, for others that terminology, if used, would likely have different meaning, and for others it is completely meaningless.

Another vote for erotic hypnosis! Would highly recommend the book, Hypnotic Amnesia, by LeeAllure and J.D. Pynchon, which has guidance specifically on memory and forgetting (which can be used for CNC things, like you’ve described being interested in).

I’ve heard this book is excellent.

Here are almost 50 tying tutorials.

I use 3M microfoam tape. It works greats and looks really nice! Molds to the mouth and has a smooth look.This guy

You two don't sound very compatible. It sounds like her attachment style is anxious, while yours is avoidant - a sure recipe for angst on both sides.

As /u/LadyLilithStJames mentioned, metal handcuffs have some risks associated with them. That's not to say you should never use them, just that you should be aware of the risks and learn how to use them properly (not too tight,always double lock them so that they don't tighten on their own during a struggle, etc)

You definitely shouldn't go cheap when it comes to handcuffs. I like the S&W Model 100 Lever Lock handcuffs. The main selling point for me is that the double locking feature uses a small lever instead of a pushpin or internal slide mechanism. This means you don't need to fumble around with the key to double lock them - you just slide the lever. They're a bit more expensive than standard police handcuffs, but worth every penny.

Where I am Led by Christina “slavette” Parker

Listen to your gut, if things feel off there is a good reason for it.

This book isn't specific to BDSM but it does help a lot with recognizing red flags and avoiding bad people before you get involved with them.https://www.amazon.com/How-Spot-Dangerous-Before-Involved/dp/0897934474

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Some other warning signs would be getting too sexual too quickly, no discussion of boundaries, likes, dislikes, limits etc. Automatic assumption of dominance/ownership without allowing time for the relationship to progress organically. Or just generally being a jerk are also good signs that you should run away fast.