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Top comments that mention products on r/Christianmarriage:

u/SeaRegion · 1 pointr/Christianmarriage

Hey friend - just to encourage you, I didn't date a woman until the age of 19 and we only dated for 2 months...and that was my total dating experience before college.

I think you might really benefit from reading some biblical manliness books and messages. This will help you understand what a Christian man believes and seeks to practice in marriage. These will help you work on your character and make you a stronger person of greater integrity, if you let them.

First, I'd encourage you to listen to some sermons about biblical manhood. It will teach you how to grow towards becoming what the Bible considers to be a man. I'd recommend these talks

  • Matt Chandler - Manhood Restored
  • Paul Washer - Are you Ready for a Relationship Part I and Part II

    And if you're the reading type, I'd suggest looking at some items from our resources page. Here's some good ones focused specifically on marriage:

  • The Exemplary Husband: A Biblical Perspective - Stuart Scott
  • Disciplines of a Godly Man - R. Kent Hughes

    >How can I as a young man, find a woman with these Christian relationship values?

    I commend you for coming here and posting - this is awesome that you're reaching out for advice! If I could suggest, the best place to find people with Christian values is to consider relationships with Christians. And, I would encourage you to continue to examine the Christian claims and message. In particular, a really good starting book to consider our faith would be The Case for Christ by Lee Strobel.

    Happy to talk about anything you'd like related to relationships, dating, Christianity and all of the above.
u/Gabriel_Aurelius · 3 pointsr/Christianmarriage

> I’ve noticed a lot of these on this sub and on secular marriage and relationship subs

The people that post are the ones that feel everything was going alright and it seemed “all of a sudden” to them. The people that leave generally don’t post, but if they do, it’s usually for a “laundry list” of reasons.

> why is this occurring

Take your pick: bad communication, poor boundaries, unacceptable expectations. I’m sure there are more, but the problem is that divorce happens when one or both parties give up on the commitment made at the wedding and finalize it in court.

> do most marriages that split do so in this fashion

Literally unknowable. The reason given to most under the law is “irreconcilable differences” which is a catch-all for paperwork sake. Even if you have statistics (maybe the CDC), the data would have to be extrapolated, and it still wouldn’t be accurate.

> are the reasons almost always readily apparent, with the writing on the wall being seen ahead of time with time to try fixing things?

In many cases, yes. Most? Unknowable.

> how does someone avoid this, in terms of choosing and a good partner and leading a marriage?

There was an awards ceremony, I think it was back in 2011, where Robert Downey Jr asked Hollywood essentially to forgive Mel Gibson. I think understanding how a person is rooted in Christ has to do with how willing they are to forgive the other persons sins. That’s definitely got to be a central tenet of a relationship.

All the other aspects: communication, boundaries, expectations; these can all be developed through intentional conversation and relationship development. To help with that, I recommend the five love languages by Dr. Gary Chapman. That’s a great starting point for any couple intentional on growing the strength of their relationship.

u/FaithfulGardener · 7 pointsr/Christianmarriage

There's a book called Intended for Pleasure that has some extensive instructions on how you can work on this very problem together. DM me if you are interested in the book and you can't quite swing it atm (health issues are expensive!). But Christ has hope for those who need it.

I encourage you to learn patience, as I imagine he probably feels pretty crappy about the whole situation too. The point behind marital love is not what you get out of the marriage. Marriage is meant to mirror Christ's love toward the church - the love that led Him to sacrifice Himself on the cross for our sins long before we ever loved Him. Love is not only the overwhelming passion you feel when you're dating, but it's the commitment you make to your spouse, whether times are good or bad, easy or difficult. In fact, being married happily is work. You have to do it intentionally - it doesn't come naturally every day like it does when you're dating.

Now, it sounds like you feel alone with your upcoming treatment, and being distanced from your husband. Is there a way you can make efforts to reconnect? Go on a date, or even just doing something together you both enjoy that doesn't have to involve sex. You said that before you were dating, you were close friends - lean back on that foundation, and be forgiving to your husband. I'm quite comfortable assuming that every fight you have, he knows what's at the root of it, and feels the accusation that it's all his fault. Do you think you could come to the place where you don't blame him for the sexual issues? Yes, they have to do with him, but it doesn't sound like he's doing it on purpose. It could make a difference if you look at it from a new angle - his body is separate from his will, and his will is for this not to happen.

Also, you mentioned your temper - I know that feeling. But I've also learned that anger like that is sinful anger - and to overcome that, I had to practice taking control of my thoughts. So, for instance, when my spouse does something "typical" that usually leads to me being inconvenienced in one way or another, instead of just getting upset, frustrated and enraged, I have to counsel myself. "The anger I'm feeling right now is completely unjustified; my spouse has not offended me - I'm angry at a future slight that I'm simply anticipating." We have the power to direct our emotions, although it's not commonly utilized in society. That being said, you can CHOOSE to love him emotionally again. You have to look for qualities that are positive, even if it's the smallest thing ("He takes out the trash without me asking", for instance). They add up, and you'll find he is lovable. But you have to be loving and choose to look for it.

u/ReformedBelle · 8 pointsr/Christianmarriage

There's a lot going on here.

  1. Go to Amazon and order Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend immediately. I think you need this for both your relationship with your fiance and your parents.
  2. In the long term, pursue counseling. It does sound like there's a lot of enmeshment going on with your parents, particularly regarding finances. What your parents wanted was inappropriate on every level. These issues will affect your marriage. On top of that, you are trying to merge two religions. I hate to tell you this, but the religious issue will continue to pop up over the course of your life (ie baptizing your children RCC.) My father's family is Catholic. My mother's isn't. It's caused decades of drama. You and your fiance absolutely need counseling to get on the same page about religion and traditions. (Will you name your kid after a saint? How do you feel about them getting rosaries? First Communion, etc. ).
  3. Your fiance was very, very wrong to take Eucharist. In every Mass I've ever attended, the Priest has clearly said that only Catholics in good standing should take Communion. In your father's shoes, I would have freaked out as well. This is a widely known rule, so your husband owes your family a HUGE apology. My dad was baptized Catholic. Technically, he's allowed to take Eucharist. My grandmother recently passed away, and he still refused to take Communion at her funeral because he is not in good standing. This is a BIG deal and deeply offensive to your parents. (I'm a hardwired Calvinist, who has major disagreements with the Catholic Church, and I'm offended for your parents.)

    Regarding the elopement:

  4. Get married now and plan a ceremony later. You can either do a civil ceremony or have your pastor privately marry you if you want a religious service. This happens far more often than people realize for both civil and religious vows.

    People frequently get married legally because sometimes life logistics demand it. If your spouse is in the military, you need insurance, a lease is running, etc. A friend got married at the courthouse because the cruise she wanted to take for her honeymoon wasn't offered AFTER the wedding. She had a small ceremony with immediate family at the courthouse, they took their honeymoon and then they had a the big church wedding afterwards.

  5. Plan the closest wedding to your dream that the two of you can afford.

    There's no reason to limit yourself to an elopement. In your situation, I would avoid accepting any financial or in-kind assistance from your family. Pay for everything by yourselves. THEN, invite your parents as guests. If they don't have a hand in hosting the wedding, the message is clear that they are guests and expected to behave.

    You also have options for integrating both religions. You could ask a priest to offer a prayer or have a ceremony described here. You are limiting yourself when there's no reason to. Use your imagination and figure out a way to fulfill your dreams while following God's word and making an effort to respect your parents' faith.

  6. Reconciliation is possible with your family. This is not a one-time action but a long process. Your fiance needs to apologize and demonstrate respect for their religion. Next, the two of you need to get married and show your parents that you respect God's commandments. If they are upset about him not being Catholic, they can't be happy with you living together.

    Before pursuing reconciliation, start counseling. Get help in learning how to rebuild the relationship with healthy boundaries. This doesn't have to happen overnight. It's a long-term goal. However, you will regret not having a wedding to celebrate and not inviting your parents.
u/jaimedieuetilmaime · 1 pointr/Christianmarriage

Check out the book Intended for Pleasure .

Otherwise, general tips I can give:

  1. Take your time. Both during the act (long kisses and lots of warm-up) and in discovery (women can take up to two years before even experiencing an orgasm with their husband, especially if they have been taught that sex is all bad or that their pleasure wouldn’t matter in marriage).

  2. Stop using a toy altogether. That’s cheating! Try to explore your wife’s body with your own. Use all your senses. Listen to her responses, and encourage her to get more vocal as she gets more comfortable.

  3. Make sure you’re not slacking in other displays of affection: non sexual physical touch, the Five Love Languages.

  4. Help her get comfortable before. Maybe she should take a bath and use a bath bomb. Maybe she should throw on a bit of makeup or some lingerie sometimes. Maybe give her a non sexual back massage.

    If I think of anything else, I’ll comment again!
u/procrastinationfairy · 2 pointsr/Christianmarriage

First of all, are you living with them or are you out of the house? Are you married, employed and financially independent?

My mom and I have gone through a lot of ups and downs. Our relationship has gotten much better as I've gotten older. I'd now consider her my BFF. However, it took a lot to get there.

If you are still depending on your parents financially or for a home, they will struggle to see you as an adult. As long as you are on their dime or under their roof, no matter the circumstances, they will see you as entitled and not take your problems seriously.

In my late 20s, I was on my own and living hundreds of miles away from my parents. However, they still paid for my cell phone. That extra $20 became a huge point of contention. After I went over on my data (due to my job), I got my own plan. It cost me $50 a month but it was worth it. My parents treated me with respect. They took my problems and concerns seriously. That one bill sent a signal to my parents that I had reached adulthood.
If you can't move out or need to rely on your parents financially, I would advise you to find another person to confide in. It's natural to want to turn to our moms for advice and share our burdens. However, it sounds like you are in a growing pains stage. Your relationship might not be able to handle it right now. Turn to a friend or another woman at church for advice or pursue counseling.

I highly recommend Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. It's a Christian book that is highly respected by the secular world for how to handle difficult relationships.

u/wongs7 · 1 pointr/Christianmarriage

Rest in the pleasure that God has made in marriage.

My wife read "intended for pleasure" ( )

we were both virgins, and it took us a few days of trying to figure out how this works. There is some pain at the beginning, but you will get the hang of it. Be open to exploring, tell your husband what you enjoy, what turns you on, and ask him what he enjoys and what turns him on.

Adventure is out there - go discover together

u/SavvyMomsTips · 2 pointsr/Christianmarriage

If you want to try more things, but don't want anything too extreme these Christian authors provide a great guide for talking through these issues and godly ways to seek each other's pleasure.

It does sound like there could be other factors at play that lower your libido. You mention feeling rushed and the bed being unavailable, so I'm guessing you have young kids. Can someone else watch the kids so you could have some time to yourselves? It may seem like a small thing, but it can make a big difference.

Also if there are a lot of stressful things going on that can also lower libido.

u/Tres-bien-ensemble · 5 pointsr/Christianmarriage

My heart goes out to you, friend. I’m pleading the blood of Jesus over you, your wife, and your family.

My absolute favorite book, that has benefited my marriage in more ways, more times than I can count, is called “His Needs, Her Needs” by Willard F. Harley, Jr. Although the book write-up says “Building an affair-proof marriage”, the book itself is all about meeting eachother’s needs so it never gets to that point.

Lifting you all up before His throne.

u/JESUSonlyWAYtoHEAVEN · 3 pointsr/Christianmarriage

Not directly relating to marriage, but:

Disciplines of a Godly Man

If you become a better man (we all have room for improvement), then you'll be a better husband & this will impact your marriage.

The standard set in the book is very high/daunting, but it shows what is possible & what we should be aiming for.

Sacred Marriage

The main idea of this book is that marriage should make you holy, not happy.

We would all do well to remember that, because he's absolutely right, from my experience (not that I've become too holy!)

u/gr3yh47 · 2 pointsr/Christianmarriage

that's awesome that you do that every night. I wonder if a question-based approach like the one Greg Koukl writes about in 'Tactics' would help you navigate those times when your wife is angry. You could explore her feelings while you invite her to express herself to you. Recently I've done this with a friend who gets into irrational self-hate spirals, and it seems to be by far the best way to interact with them in those situations.

u/jjhemmy · 2 pointsr/Christianmarriage

Take her to prayer everyday!! I did that for my husband when he wasn't a believer (I came to my faith about 13 years into our marriage) and it was HARD. Here is a bookthat might be helfpul. Seriously...God KNOWS all of what you both are going through. His joy would be to redeem it!!

u/MedianNerd · 3 pointsr/Christianmarriage

Have you tried reading anything about it? Has she? Does she see this as a problem, or is she fine with the status quo?

This book is a pretty comprehensive guidebook for sex and how to begin a sexual journey with your spouse.

u/lanierg71 · 3 pointsr/Christianmarriage

Having been in a relationship with a (so-called) Christian woman for 18 mos that in my gut felt 'forced' or 'wrong' - to a relationship with my now wife where we were so like-minded on things and it just came easy to be with her, I realized I probably wasn't listening enough to the Spirit and should have ended it long ago.

If you have to try too hard to make it work, then it's probably wrong. It should come easy and feel like hand in glove. And should be confirmed by family and trusted friends.

"I think she believes in God but does not have a relationship with him, and I don’t know that she’s too keen on trying to live by the Word." 2 years and you don't know where she is spiritually? That's enough to run for the hills - if you want a Godly spouse for life.

I'll leave you with a statement from the book "Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts" which I highly recommend:

"The most miserable people in the world aren't single. They are married people who realize they've made a grave mistake."