Top products from r/CounselingPsychology
We found 2 product mention on r/CounselingPsychology. We ranked the 1 resulting product by number of redditors who mentioned them. Here are the top 20.
We found 2 product mention on r/CounselingPsychology. We ranked the 1 resulting product by number of redditors who mentioned them. Here are the top 20.
Good afternoon. First, you're not a mess any more than your boyfriend is. His anxious attachment is just as messy as your avoidant. Don't put yourself down, because you deserve better from yourself.
There is a well-established relationship pattern found in studies on attachment, wherein an anxious individual and an avoidant individual partner up. The anxious is attracted to the avoidant because the anxious has learned that love has to be earned, that it isn't readily doled out, and that those who love you may up and leave with little warning. In other words, anxious finds all of their romantic expectations in the behavior they receive from avoidants (this is all coming from someone who is 1.) a counselor, and 2.) an anxious attachment individual.
For avoidants, it is all about autonomy because they have learned along the way that if they do not meet their needs on their own, then their needs will forever go unmet. So they see in anxious and are attracted to someone whom they can essentially use for their own benefit. This is not to say that the feelings aren't real. Most often, they absolutely are. But anxious are easy to take advantage of because we love deeply and quickly, and are deathly afraid of abandonment, so we will subjugate our own needs and wants for what we perceive to be the good of our partner.
So, anxious and avoidant start getting close. Anxious wants more than avoidant, so avoidant pulls away. Anxious knows something is off but will not speak up for fear of driving the other person away (which is already happening), so they allow the avoidant to call the relationship shots. If anxious tries to do something about it so that their needs *are* met, avoidant pulls further away and most likely ends the relationship, thus confirming in anxious' mind what they already perceived to be the nature of love and commitment.
To answer your question, then, it isn't fear and it isn't that the relationship is wrong. It is that you have learned maladaptive relationship patterns that you need to educate yourself on, learn about, and become conscious of. I would recommend the following book: https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139
Best of luck!