Top products from r/DeadBedrooms

We found 269 product mentions on r/DeadBedrooms. We ranked the 292 resulting products by number of redditors who mentioned them. Here are the top 20.

Next page

Top comments that mention products on r/DeadBedrooms:

u/TantraGirl 路 5 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

> #9 (never orgasmed from sex) What should I do.

I was able to orgasm with a vibrator, although it took a lot of time, but I never could get off with a guy until my (future) husband and I got seriously experimental about it. I'm very glad we did. It has made a HUGE difference! So if you want to make an effort to change this, I encourage you to get serious about exploring alternatives.

Trying lots of things is important, because women who are slow to get aroused differ so much in terms of what works that it's really hard to give specific advice, except this: don't stop trying new things just because the first ten don't work!

Fortunately, most of the things you will want to try are interesting and enjoyable, even if they don't work the first time, so the journey can be fun even if it takes a while.

This is a good place to start:

  • How Women Can Become (More) Orgasmic.

    It has a bunch of links to other resources, including this classic book, which I recommend:

  • Becoming Orgasmic: A Sexual and Personal Growth Program for Women, revised edition

    It's out of print, but Amazon usually has used copies for under $10, shipping included. It's a classic for a reason. It has helped many, many women have their first orgasms.

    If you're like most couples, you both came into your relationship with a set of preconceived ideas of what "having sex" consists of, in terms of the steps, the techniques, and the amount of time devoted to each one. You've tried that and it hasn't worked, and you've tried some minor variations on those themes without success. But you almost certainly haven't explored all or even most of the possibilities.

    A good example of that is the website OMG Yes!!!, where you can learn many variations on about a dozen basic ways to stimulate a woman's vulva and clitoris with your fingers. (It's $39, but definitely worth it.) I recommend exploring it first and experimenting on yourself, and then telling your partner what you want him to try.

    I also recommend the book She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman, by Ian Kerner. It will help a great deal if you have a "slow to warm up" problem or if your partner needs help with oral technique.

    More generally, I would urge you to:

  1. Get an inexpensive folding massage table. (Under $100 on Amazon, the best investment in good sex you'll ever make!)

  2. Do sensate focus therapy together for at least three months. (This is the program described in the second half of "Becoming Orgasmic".]

  3. Read the relevant articles from the SO30 Wiki and from this collection for tips on oral and manual technique and advice on increasing sexual arousal during foreplay.

  4. Adopt a longer, more sensual script for sex that includes a lot more cuddling, deep kissing, and foreplay before PIV, and follow that script at least half the time.

  5. Specifically, learn sensual/erotic/tantric massage and do it a lot.

  6. Try an air-pulse type vibrator (e.g., Satisfyer Pro 40) and a regular vibrator with a different strength/pitch. (I.e., if you already have one that is high-pitched and buzzy, get a deep rumbly one like the magic Wand, or vice versa.)

    On that last point, try using a folded cloth between the head of the vibrator and your labia or clit if the vibrations are too strong.

    Good luck!
u/ToughKitten 路 2 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

Thanks for the page, u/Toodark2Read.

Hey, u/garbageposts. I am going to pour out some words and thoughts on you here. Sorry they're not more synthesized.


Number one. Have you gone to Al Anon? Go to six meetings. If at all possible (and most places at least in the US it is quite possible), go to a few different meetings. I'm not into everything they're into at Al Anon, I have some philosophical disagreements, and you can sit there and feel like WTF am I doing, but something happens when you make going there a habit. You get some perspective. You get some encouragement. You can steady yourself and you can do some of that cycle of grieving with some support. If you go to six meetings, and try out three to six different groups in this process and you hate it and you get nothing from it, feel free to take this tool out of your toolbox. For me it took five different groups before I found one that was positive and genuine enough for me to feel catharsis.


Second up, therapy. The first time I left my husband, he suddenly found it with in him to agree to counseling, after a year of me pleading. And it was somewhat helpful. Our therapist asked that my husband go 30 days without drinking so that he could get a feel for his mental state without the brain chemistry fuckedness of steady alcohol consumption. My husband couldn't or wouldn't do that. Along the way we made a little progress, moments of vulnerability and clarity. We both behaved better with a third party present. In the end though, I found myself sitting on the couch alone, calling him every five minutes and looking out into the parking lot, only to realize that he'd gone to the bar and shut off his phone, intentionally skipping our appointment. And I cried. And I had a solo session that day. There's a hundred little moments where we were over, and I let them pile up on top of me before finally accepting it and leaving. This was one of those moments.


Next, a few words on the terminology you hate. My husband is a very high functioning alcoholic. He doesn't miss work, he earns six figures. He's gotten fat on beer, but doesn't have major health problems. He drinks and drives very frequently, but has never gotten caught. The term high functioning alcoholic provides something very important as the understanding of alcoholism has shifted over the years. In our not too distant past, and still in the presumptions and unconscious of so many people today, if a person wasn't missing work, they weren't an alcoholic. If you didn't puke on yourself and pass out in the gutter, you were fiiiiiiiiiine. Now we know that you can go days or weeks without a drink and still be an alcoholic. You can only drink weekends, you can only drink beer, you can be successful, professionally, academically, personally, whatever and be an alcoholic. But living with a high functioning drunk makes that term scathing, I know. Blood-boilingly frustrating. But the terminology is serving a purpose as the understanding of alcoholism evolves, regardless of how maddening it is. Keep in mind, functional alcoholic isn't a nice word.


Regarding brain chemistry and the hard truth. Alcohol fucks brain chemistry so hard. And addiction fucks brain chemistry so hard. Yeah, both can kill libido. There is nothing you can do about addiction or alcoholism or brain chemistry. You can mitigate, you can create boundaries to protect yourself a little better, you can try and change your focus so as to create a little more happiness, but you cannot fix this or change him. Not even a little bit. And it has nothing to do with love. I remember writhing and crying, wondering if he loves me so much, why can't he chose me? It's a false dichotomy. Addiction doesn't care what or who or why you love, it doesn't care about the promises you've made. Maybe you know this. It's something I had to relearn and reaccept a thousand times. It sliced me open every time. I think it's important for me to say. If you want a little uplifting or a resource to leave around for your partner, here is a great webcomic telling the story of a fascinating study of addiction. (From here you can go down the rabbit hole of learning about the Sinclair Method, which is a whole other can of worms about which I could talk for ages.)


Next up, codependency is something that you should read up on. I don't really have any go-to sources. I'm a research maven, if that hasn't become abundantly clear, lol. Intellectual understanding helps me process emotionally. But codependency can happen to anybody, and when addiction gets added to the mix, it is nigh impossible to avoid falling into codependent pitfalls.


Truth be told, I spent a couple years learning to understand and trying to cope with my husband's alcoholism. I left him about a year ago and I know he's started getting help. Started trying to address his issues. He's looking for help. The AA crowd would say that he had to lose me to hit his rock bottom. I don't agree with that. I would say that I was propping him up the best I could in a very codependent fashion, and instead of falling apart when his support walked away, he put his feet a little bit on the ground. Seemingly as if he could have done it on his own all along. I do resent that. But on the other hand, I'm glad he didn't pull it together with me. Because I realized that he's mean and closed and cruel of spirit. And he probably doesn't have his shit together really! Because I've been on the inside. I know how it can look fine from where I'm standing, it can look functional, even highly functioning, when it is a shit show on wheels in the home and in his heart.


This one gets it's own bullet point. I think you need to read this book. It's not a book that says GTFO, it's a book that helps people think about and see their relationship. It's called "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay." Read this. Read this twice. I had to read it twice. I had to do a lot of things twice. This is not easy shit, my dear. But this book isn't about addicts or people who aren't getting laid, this is a book for people who are having a hard time figuring out if their relationship is working, or is right, or is making them happy, all in all. If you do nothing else, read this book.


To conclude, I know this has been bossy and multidirectional and incredibly long winded, but I could go on for much longer. I think I'm giving you a helpful starting point though. Go to Al Anon. Learn a bit about addiction. Learn a bit about codependency. Read that book I linked. It's probably at your library. Come back after you've done those things. Tell me how you feel then. Feel free to PM me along the way. I know that your relationship isn't my relationship, and that you guys might work it out and be happy and I would be so glad for you. I am not telling you to leave. But use some of these resources. Get some perspective. And I'm here for you.

u/clanofthethrowaway 路 4 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

So, I'm not a doctor by any means, so take it with a grain of salt. But sex is a mental experience just as much as a physical one, and it sounds like your mental experience of sex is that it is universally a failure, so any sexual encounters you have will always be a failure. Arousal always equals disappointment, so you can never stay aroused because why? Ruling out a physical cause, which you should not do yet until you see an OBGYN, I think you would greatly benefit from a redefining of what it means for you to be sexual. You may need long, slow, patient sex with a lot of foreplay and sexual tension buildup to make the arousal strong enough to last you through sex, and that's ok! Hopefully your boyfriend is willing to go through this journey with you.

I very much recommend a sexual therapist, but if you want to try reading up on some stuff, I have some recommendations that may put you on the right path: - Sensate focus is the practice of slowly, deliberately getting to know your and your partner's body in a sensual, not sexual way. It takes away the pressure, and just lets you explore eachother until you are ready. You could spend hours on just touching if you wanted to, and pet me tell you, it is a lovely feeling. - It can feel unbelievably isolating and embarrassing when you feel like you can't cum for someone, even yourself. But it's so much more common and normal than you think. And when you figure out what it is that does get you there, it's easy to feel like it'd be too much of a hassle for your partner to learn. But they love you, and they want you to feel the way you make them feel.

Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life - This sounds like a clickbait title, but it really is the real deal. This book can help you identify your sexual mindscape and behaviors and teach you how to navigate it for maximal satisfaction. Everyone is different, everyone has a normal that works for them, all they have to do is release their shame about it.

Also, I cannot stress this enough, servicing him is not making him happy, so don't do things you don't get anything out of just to make him happy. He said he doesn't want you to just do things for him, he wants you to like it. I'm not saying that to pressure you; I'm saying that because the last thing you want to do if you ever want to have a healthy outlook on sex and have a healthy sex life is to resign yourself to being a sexual servent for your partner's amusement because your fun factory is out of order. You want to see yourself as a sexual being deserving of pleasure, and have your man in your corner doing everything he can to find your happy place so you both can get there together.

Best of luck with everything 馃挏

u/DB_Helper 路 2 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

>For the princess thing I very strongly recommend reading a book.

Amazing book... I used to do the same
thing you describe of not listening to my wife's body language when she is clearly not in a receptive mood. After 20 minutes of what you see as "giving", but she experiences as "bothering" or "just looking for sex", she's annoyed, and you're horny and feeling rejected. The book gives concrete actions to avoid this situation and drastically increase your odds of successfully initiating sex, while giving your wife the non sexual reassurance and affection she needs.

On a side note, it sounds like part of the problem is that your wife just doesn't feel sexy. Are you able to talk honestly with her about her weight? Do you prefer her at her current weight, or would you prefer if she was smaller (or bigger)? Dr. Jason Fung's blog, IDM, had a lot of information on intermittent fasting that can be very helpful if losing a few pounds would help her to feel better about herself.

My wife has always been very toned, athletic and curvy. After three kids she was feeling like her body was sagging, despite the fact that she still looked fantastic. I tell her almost every day how sexy she is, but she consistently brings up how her boobs are not as big as they were while she was breastfeeding (she's a solid, perky B cup) and her core just isn't like it used to be (she was a swimmer in high school, has great muscle tone, and has a small waist compared to boobs and hips). Lately, we have both been doing more exercise and a one day a week 24 hour fast, and she has lost about 5 or 10 pounds. Honestly, she looks great now, but she looked equally great 10 pounds heavier. But now when I look at her and tell her she looks great, she checks herself out in the mirror and says "yeah I do!". She is now much more confident, and I'm sure that has something to do with her starting to initiate far more frequently in the past few months.

u/Jennynot 路 3 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

I know where you're coming from here. I'm HL, (my guys is maybe he's LL-ML perhaps actually) but we haven't been intimate in god I don't know.. months? maybe over a year at this point. And that's typical... months if not years between attempts. Some weird pattern of complacency. Like... it's not going to get better if you never try but what you going to do.

Something broke somewhere and we haven't been abel to fix it. It was my first 'proper' relationship and his second, so that has a real big part to play in it too I think. And I've certainly tried to fix it - I lost weight, found loads of stuff online, books from here etc Sadly he found the books 'crass' so that wasn't helpful - but - I've collected loads of tips and guides and things to try and figure out how to fix things. HAsn't helped though... there is a gear to this and we've definitely both fallen out of it. We'd periodically talk about it - I'd always initiate these and he'd say that he agreed completely, that "things would change" and then nothing ever does of course.

And I say similar to you because he spends all his free time with a headset playing games (he's literally sitting next to me right now doing this), chatting to other people... awake till 4am online and mouthing me a "goodnight" while shooting some guy on Rust while I go to bed alone. I am pretty certain he 'takes care of himself' after I've goner to bed too... and really that sort of does its own damage. Not gonna lie, I do the same thing myself now... and that's the weird pattern we've fallen into. We're affectionate and caring don't get me wrong, but there's a giant black hole where physical intimacy should be and that is so so damaging. It's like our relationship is quietly eroding from the core and no amount of hugs will fix that >_>

Our issues likely like in several places - but one of them is the mismatch between how you get in the mood and how he does. Like you I prefer some sort of build up - it would be nice if we spent time doing something together for example - and like your guy, my guy just sort of occasionally jumps on me all guns blazing and expects instant reciprocation. And by instant I mean if I don't want him inside me after 2 minutes of a back massage "I don't find him attractive" which isn't true but he's 28 now - and teaching him foreplay is a legitimate thing is proving surprisingly difficult. I guess that's both the cause of and the result of 5 years of nothing and porn ironically (like I said, we were both new to this whole Relationship thing when we started). Deadly spiral, don't do that.

Anyway... gosh intimate ranting, the worst kind of ranting... sorry!

So, told, my guy does tech - right. He plays all hours, he spends more time chatting with online people than me, more time with them than me by a long long margin. I get it... and I imagine it's a replacement pure and simple. A distraction. And, like you, I've had enough, too. So... we have a choice here. We have identified we are unhappy - that's step one, and it's important. And very very likely we're not alone - our partners are also not happy. So we have two, well actually three options.

  • fix it
  • don't fix it, continue as before
  • leave

    Having established you're in the "fix it" camp you really need to talk to him. Honestly and completely about what you just told us. Because sure you may have had these conversations before but that didn't change anything so you need to have another. And it needs to do something different, because last time didn't work.

    In my case I had the latest one of these about a week ago. I laid out everything (again) and he quietly agreed with everything (again). Key thing. Realism.

    In one way or other I said this: "look we need to fix this because we're both unhappy and I don't want my future to be like this. I can't imagine a future like this". He agreed (he felt the same too.) "nothing we tried before has worked" he also agreed. He said he was afraid of trying and failing - because failing would mean it couldn't be fixed and that scared him. Part of the inactivity and complacency was actually procrastination. The outcome: we need to go to a councillor. All the reddit archer advice and internet help and chats have done not one thing. I don't know where to go from here, I just don't - so we need to run this by somebody who does. He did actually agree to doing this in the new year. I'm not entirely convinced - like the promised dates and time spent together it's likely to be forgotten I should think. But it's worth trying.

    Time is a precious thing. It's a finite thing. You either spend time fixing it or you call it quits and find somebody who makes you happy. Ideally you fix things, of course, and marriage counsellors exist for a reason. But it's worth looking at it like that - and mentioning to him that things are this serious - because they really are. Something fixable now might not be fixable couple of years down the line. Take if from somebody 6 years down the line more time does not solve anything (only perpetuates it) - but only actions will change things.

    Two books I found helpful you may also find useful.

    Come as You Are: the surprising new science that will transform your sex life - I am reading this atm, though this sub I think - and it's really really interesting. From what you've said I think you would find it really insightful too and highly recommend it.

    The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts - this might be useful for you too - you can find summaries online that tell you the basics though. This is such an important thing - and might be a useful way into the deeper conversation you need to have.


    You mentioned feeling resentment about rejection and I totally see that. Rejection cuts both ways - and does its own sort of damage. Time only deepens those wounds, so be careful of that. What this boils down to though is that you both need to be putting 100% into fixing things. This isn't some "you need to do this so he will do that" stuff. That just causes resentment - you feel you've been hurt and are still expecting to put your heart on the line again - and I imagine that's how he feels too. This is your relationship which is the combination of you both. You can't fix it with imbalance - imbalance is what broke it. You need to get off the ride (communicate openly) and restart it (councillor for example) and both go back into it together. Spend time together (for your side of things) and intimate time (for his side of things). even if it doesn't end... completely... if you see what I mean - sometimes these things need ramping up and the intimacy you both need should be built gradually. I'm almost looking at it as trying to see it as a new relationship - because those are the sort of things you're rebuilding.

u/41mHL 路 1 pointr/DeadBedrooms

Okay, from what you've said, I think you are experiencing the effects of sexual abuse on this man, whether he remembers it consciously or not.

Since separating from my wife, I got involved in a relationship with a woman who is a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, which prompted me to do a lot of reading on the topic.

One of the most confounding things I learned is that, being the most comfortable in their primary relationship tends to bring a survivor's sexual issues to the fore -- they finally have a safe time and place in order to process the trauma.

One particularly profound thing that I learned is that, for the survivor, the ability to say "No" to sex actually indicates that they are very comfortable and happy in the relationship -- I don't mean in the typical LL/HL dynamic sense, but rather, "I am comfortable enough and secure enough and confident enough in this relationship that I can say no to sex, and it isn't the end of the world, or the end of the relationship."

It sounds like he's finally reached that place of comfort:

>He has a new car, owns a cute house, and has a good job.

Especially if we reverse the sentence just after that,

>He is I am affectionate and I he knows I am he is loved.

Unfortunately for those of us who are partnered with them, most survivors then swing extremely far to the "No" side, before coming back to find a healthy balance. You may get some real value out of visiting /r/secondary_survivors, which is the reddit community for redditors whose spouses or significant others are dealing with past sexual trauma.

I strongly recommend finding some reading on the topic. Wendy Maltz's The Courage to Heal (link to is probably the best book on the subject. Even though it is aimed at the survivor rather than the partner, it was very eye-opening.

The irony of my life is that, the process of separating from my wife, and getting together with a different survivor helped me to recognize that the issues in my marriage stemmed from unresolved childhood traumas: hers, sexually, and mine, more complex and not relevant here.

None of that tells you "what to do", but -- just know that you aren't crazy.

u/swansongofdesire 路 3 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

I read that as well as Intimacy & Desire a few years ago, so my memory may be a little rusty.

There is a fair bit of overlap (same author) but PM was much more focused on sex than I&D.

I didn't find PM was that useful because I felt that there was almost a presupposition that both partners wanted sex, they just had an emotional disconnect. PM was about overcoming that emotional disconnect and using sex as a bonding experience. Useful for some maybe, but not when your partner is put off by anything related to sex.


I&D found much more applicable to my situation, for one key insight:

If both partners find validation in love from their partner, then the relationship can't be sustained. At some point compromises have to be made. When that happens the compromising partner feels that they are unloved by the other. If both partners do this, then a disconnect & distance inevitably arises. Paradoxically, to feel loved by your partner then you have to not need to feel loved by your partner.

My Gottman Soapbox

Personally, I found both Schnarch books far more useful than anything by the ubiquitous Gottman though. Gottman may be great at observing couples and describing behaviours, but:

  • there is almost nothing in his books that deals with underlying emotional issues;
  • I felt that all of his advice was only useful for couples like my parents, who are already in a mediocre/good marriage but both partners want to make it better. If you're already in a marriage that is on the rocks then dealing with outward behaviours and not the underlying emotional issues that cause(d) resentments/distance in the first place is just a bandaid (and if there's anything I've learned in /r/deadbedrooms, it's that by the time people post their relationships are almost always already in major trouble)
u/[deleted] 路 3 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

> Do LL鈥檚 ever change? Do LL鈥檚 ever develop into HL鈥檚 in new relationships? Especially when the new partner has significant similarities to the old one in looks and character?

Yes. People change. They get turned on by other things. You have a little influence over what attracts them insomuch as you can try to appear or act in a way that they find attractive, but you're not in charge of their brain chemistry. Attraction is fiercely personal.

> And most importantly: is she more intimate with him, does she have more sex with him? Or will she treat him like me, meeting him with indifference and neglect once she will have moved on from her loss and his value as a caretaker is gone, like she did with me? I鈥檓 going crazy over this!!!!

Sorry not sorry to be blunt here. This really is not any of your business. She's not connected to you any more. She's not "yours". Unless she's approaching you and telling you about how great the sex is with the new guy, this isn't any of your concern. And if she is calling you with this sort of information, that's just fucked up and you need to block her number.

> 鈥 I just can鈥檛 stop thinking鈥 after all I did for her without ever getting anything in return and after all the emotional abuse, neglect and DB madness鈥 does she treat him better than she did me? Is she more affectionate and appreciative with him? This is so unjust! What did I do to deserve this?

Nice guy syndrome. I only need to act in a certain way and they're certain to fawn all over me. It's dishonest bullshit. And I should know. I'm a recovering "nice guy". I've done this crap in the past. It's dishonest to yourself and it lays way too much responsibility at the feet of the target of your affection. You're off the hook because they didn't read your mind and follow the script you planned for them. That's no way to live.

There is no justice to be had in this transaction. You can't be in a relationship and keep score! There is an extremely high probability that your behaviour contributed to your relationship issues and dead bedroom.

You ask if LLs ever change? That's not the question here. The real question is, are you willing to fix yourself so you can take responsibility for your own happiness? Because you're all kinds of hung up and twisting for this toxic relationship, and you just need to get your head straight.

Read No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover. Someone here has a link to a PDF of it, I'm sure. Read in horror as you recognize yourself on these pages and realize that "nice guys" are anything but.

Then fix yourself. Read David Burns' Feeling Good Handbook. Do the exercises. Here's a handy PDF with the 10 distorted ways of thinking and how to fix them.

Then commit to taking care of yourself. Sleep better, exercise, eat better, get some meaningful friendships, work on that project or hobby that would take you to the next level. Learn to be assertive about what you want out of life because there ain't nobody responsible for your happiness but you.

u/bippodotta 路 11 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

MMSL is about men improving themselves in a way that leads to more and better sex in marriage. He expresses a few ideas better than I've seen elsewhere:

  • Comfort and attraction are related but different. Many men in \DeadBedrooms are good at comfort but not attraction and make the mistake of thinking that comfort generates attraction.

  • Attraction has a big physical and instinctual component. Attraction is triggered by strength, confidence, charm, aggressiveness, status, physical build, when they are displayed in the context of the rest of your relationship.

    MMSL has specific suggestions for a good man in a good relationship to deliver better attractiveness cues.

    No one else is giving advice to nice-guys about the actual practice of a good physical relationship. MMSL advises how to approach their GFs for sex, or how to handle sexual rejection. Consider for example.

    MMSL is often rejected for being unrepentantly pro-sex, focused on men, simplistic, and taking an evo-psych/game view. If that bothers you, skip it.

    There is a book, which is a convenient and better-organized version of the content of the blog plus maybe 20% more.
u/sunnywiltshire 路 2 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

This book was the beginning of our DB recovery. It is honestly unbelievable, along with "No more Mr Nice Guy" by Robert Glover. These two books, I'm telling you...! The titles are cheesy as hell, but the content is genius. The first deals with the underlying psychological reasons for DBs, basically a lack of "differentiation" which leads to an unhealthy network of feeling pressure, obligation, withdrawing etc... By moving to the spare room and feeling like yourself again, you have done a huge step towards differentiation. I think the further details in this book might be of great value for you. And the other book is along similar lines, but while the first is more focused on couples altogether, the latter focuses more on men, and it's brilliant. I have learned from both so, so much. Plus, they are well written and entertaining to read. I go back to them regularly to really engrain the message in my mind and break my unhealthy patterns.


There's a book I haven't read yet and that is more focused on women, and is mentioned regularly here because apparently it is fantastic, it is called "come as you are". It seems to deal with different female arousal patterns which might be useful to know with regard to a woman with a LL. It seems to be about "how to learn what hinders your arousal and what accelerates it", basically, but I think it is more than that.





This one is mentioned a lot as well, again focusing on female sexuality:


Sorry, this comment is massive, lol. :-)

The first book has honestly enduced our DB recovery, that is not said too much. The second - where to begin. It goes even back to unhealthy patterns that one learned from one's parents and then carries into the relationship and such. Very good.

u/RunsIntoHarbor 路 1 pointr/DeadBedrooms

Apologies for misunderstanding your question.

I certainly did experience just that for some years and though not phrased in that particular way it has in times past been the subject of others' writings here. For a long time when I believed this part of our relationship could be improved to some kind of mutual benefit I put a not inconsiderable effort toward it. This was around the time that the spontaneous/responsive desire dichotomy was ascending in the parlance and it seemed like the theory fit for our situation. I brought what she said with words was the proper amount/frequency of spontaneous desire (compromising back and keeping to myself my true desires) in the hope that it would elicit some form of true response. Unfortunately only rarely did I feel this was the case. It was honestly probably even less frequent than quarterly but you know I had to fit it in with the letters. ;)

Eventually I realised that she doesn't actually have a real responsive desire as was posited in that book, at least not for me. At best she has a passive desire; the desire for someone to desire her, basking in that glow with naught effort reciprocated.

u/jbrs_ 路 6 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

Hi, I made a guide that covers why this happens.

From my guide:

> 2. Following on this line of thinking, porn, by reinforcing certain desires, makes you want things you otherwise wouldn't want, or would want much, much less; and it does so at the expense of other aspects to sexuality. Part of this is because the excitement of porn is primarily about novelty-- think about why you need to keep finding new videos of different acts with different women. This drive for novelty causes you to watch things that you otherwise wouldn鈥檛 be attracted to, which subsequently become 鈥榳ired鈥 into your 鈥榮exuality鈥. Many people find that they become attracted to violent, gay, or child porn and it takes an enormous toll on their lives; and after abstaining from pornography, many find that these fetishes lose significant power, or disappear entirely. Another component of this phenomenon is that because porn cannot provide intimacy and does not stimulate appreciation for anything but a sex-object conception of a woman, it changes your perspective to value superficial, novel things more. And because you are not reinforcing other desires surrounding sexuality, you gradually lose your ability to have a more balanced appreciation of sex and women. That's why sex becomes less fulfilling, and eventually guys would rather jerk it to porn than have sex with their partners.


This point is also relevant, though not as significant as the first:

> 1. When you watch porn, you are reinforcing the desires it appeals to. Because of this, watching porn makes you crave porn more. A simple argument is that if you do not need it in your life, why create the desire for it? It is for many a colossal waste of time. The idea is that it would be better to spend your time and energy on things that 鈥榞row鈥 your life, rather than on dead-end, fleeting pleasures. A question this raises is whether porn adds anything to your life except a temporary respite from this craving (only to be followed by a strengthened craving). I find that having not watched porn for many years, it does not have nearly the same appeal to me, so it does not appear to me that it does add anything to my life. When you finish to a porn video, don't your feelings immediately switch from excitement to disgust-- like, 'why am I watching this?' ? This suggests to me that the momentary pleasure of pornography is artificially created and sustained by the habit itself.


I am making a post covering Marnia Robinson's Cupid's Poisoned Arrow which I will send to you when completed and is also something you should read.


I'm sorry for the effect that this has had on you and your relationship, and I am sure that underneath his rationalizations he is sorry too. Good luck with everything.

edit: /u/sluttymustache, here is a link to my post about Cupid's Poisoned Arrow:

u/you_done_messed_up 路 1 pointr/DeadBedrooms

You're being a Mr. Nice Guy. Going out of your way to please her and get nothing but bitching in return.

You're putting your needs behind hers and create these covert contracts: "if I'm this nice to her, SURELY she will want to have sex with me!"

Well, she doesn't. She is not sexually attracted to you. No amount of gifts or chores will change that.

> She announced in marriage counseling that I am being mean to her because I didn't get laid.

The right way to look at this is that you decided to not give her time and attention and money unconditionally any more.

If she's acting like a room mate, that's cool, you treat her like a room mate. Set some boundaries. She's acting extremely needy and disrespectful based on what you wrote. But that's because your past behavior thought her that it's an effective strategy.

Time to stop making her the center of your universe. Focus on yourself. Find your own happiness independent of her. Go to the gym improve yourself, spend time with your friends, do interesting/fun stuff.

And read the book.

u/The_Real_Bender 路 6 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

You are sooooo wrong. This might never be seen or get buried but I STRONGLY recommend you read The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman with an open mind. You are doing irreparable damage to your husband, your marriage and your family that will extend further than you can imagine!

There is so much more that I would like to say but much if not more has already been said. I just hope beyond hope for your sake and the sake of your family and husband that you reconsider your stance and empathize and sympathize as much as possible with your husbands point of view. Don't be selfish, be open. Out of love and respect for your husband it's the least you can do.

Read the book and if necessary see a therapist together. Who knows, maybe they will agree with you and maybe they won't but if not then consider for a moment at least that you just might be wrong.

u/ino_y 路 2 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

Did you move into her place?

Sex declining after moving in together is common

New Relationship Energy only lasts 3 months to a year. After that you need a conscious effort to sustain the relationship to keep people viewing each other as romantic partners.

Here's a good TED talk on LTR and desire

If you feel like you two have merged into 1 boring person, you need to read Intimacy and Desire

If you feel like you have both drifted apart and need to 'date' and appreciate each other again, Check out these things to bring her specific spark back

If you think you might have been doing things to piss her off take this questionnaire

If the actual sex is a problem, here's an explanation

Have you both read 鈥淐ome As You Are鈥 to identify her libido brakes and accelerators, and whether she has responsive desire, if context matters, or if cultural messages have been suppressing her desires?

Ask her what sex or love-making means to her. Is it meaningful, bonding, an amazing loving experience, or kinda meh, a fun activity to get her rocks off.

Does she feel loved, respected, cherished, seen and heard, or does she view her role in the relationship as your sex-doll, and she's failing.

Does she have different expectations about the relationship, does she want to get married, is she upset about something else, your job situation, her job?

u/aradthrowawayacct 路 2 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

It means to be with your friends. Either reconnecting with old friends you've neglected for your marriage/relationship, or finding new friends to go out with.

Having fun with friends and finding new hobbies or being active in old hobbies, can improve mood and help people see there is life outside of and beyond their DB.

Your friend might benefit from a copy of: Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship by Mira Kirshenbaum

The books on the sub sidebar recommended reading list are good too.

u/Hotblack_Desiato_ 路 1 pointr/DeadBedrooms

Most of the answers in here are, in all likelihood, completely wrong. /u/Simon121212 accidentally came close to the likely correct answer, but didn't really explore it.

There's likely a combination of things going on here, but the major one is that he likely feels a pressure to perform when he's with you, to make sure that he isn't selfish and that you enjoy yourself. He likely feels this pressure to the point where sex with you actually is a source of anxiety for him. Now, in all likelihood, this pressure is self-imposed and has little to do with you.

That's important to keep in mind here. This has almost nothing to do with you. It's about his expectations for himself and what HE thinks he needs to have a smooth and trouble-free life.

Cam girls are safe for him. They're on the far side of a wire, and it's their job to make him feel good. He has no obligation, self-imposed or otherwise, to try to make sure they enjoy their own experience.

He sounds like a "Nice Guy," as described in that book that used to be mentioned in the sidebar. Sexual "misbehavior" of the kind that you describe, are common in "Nice Guys." Secret pornography and cam-girl addiction, seeing prostitutes, that kind of thing.

So yeah. This is the likely issue. Not that he's a Stoopy Poopy Head, as most of the other posters here think, although I suppose it's remotely possible that I'm wrong and he actually IS a Stoopy Poopy Head.

u/myexsparamour 路 8 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

Maybe you could continue to live together as co-parents but end your sexual relationship, allowing both you and your wife to take other lovers. Or, you could live separately but in adjoining homes.

Have you seen the book The New I Do? It describes some creative solutions that people are finding for their marriages, rather than try to fit themselves into the square hole that doesn't work for many of us. You seem like a highly intelligent person with lots of resources, so I'll bet you and your wife could come to a workable agreement.

I'm sorry, but the physical incompatibility you describe does not sound fixable to me. When a man doesn't smell right to me, it's a dealbreaker.

u/xkcdFan1011011101111 路 1 pointr/DeadBedrooms

I had a bit of success after reading through the Married Man Sex Life Primer

The book is quite over the top, so take everything in it with a grain of salt.

That said, the book uses an evolutionary biology perspective to explain what the typical woman responds to.

For example, a male complaining about a lack of sex is a huge turn-off to most women in addition to upping performance anxiety. The book specifically recommends to not do this. Instead, the book suggests creating opportunities to have sex and confidently asking for it. If she doesn't respond, brush it off like no big deal.

The book has a whole list of things you can do to slowly get your wife more excited about getting back under the sheets. The number one suggestion is to get in better shape. Not only does it make you look more attractive, but it will help you feel better and more confident, which are also turn-ons for typical women.

u/UsedToLoveHer 路 2 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

I would recommend picking up the Married Man Sex Life Primer and reading it twice. After that, continue reading resources on the web.

After reading and continuing my education on this subject I recognize mistakes I have been making as a matter of course in my marriage. I'm now working on making myself a better person and regaining control of my relationship.

Time will tell if I am able to revive my marriage or not, but one thing is for sure: I now have a clear plan towards getting what I need in a relationship, even if that means leaving my wife. Even having a clear path forward is a huge relief, even if the end result seems like a foregone conclusion.

u/Criticalthinking346 路 2 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

Yes actually it she does talk about sex for women being about pleasure seeking and connection. In her book come as you are it goes pretty in-depth. However none of what you鈥檝e stated necessarily equates to love for women. You鈥檙e entitled to your prospective and I will stay with mine. I hope you have a good rest of your day.

u/maryjanesandbobbysox 路 8 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

> that neither of us saw each other like that anymore.

If you don't see each other as lovers anymore, you're just good friends. Keep the friendship. Move on to other partners you're more attracted to, and compatible with.

"Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship" by Mira Kirschenbaum, might be a good book to read.

u/just_sparkle 路 2 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

I feel this... completely! I wish my Husband understood!!!

The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts

Learn more:

This book helped explain how I see love as physical touch. I didn't understand how a man could NOT understand that. His love language appears to be acts of service... which does NOTHING for me.


Sadly I think it is too late for us....

u/ThidwickTBHM 路 1 pointr/DeadBedrooms

If you're in to self help books, The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex may be helpful for you.

We train people how to treat us. It's going to take time to retrain your relationship. Don't freak out that it's taking a while. Emotional resolution follows its own time line.

u/parrot1 路 3 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

This is a classic and long-term DB. I just thought about sharing with you a new book, [The New I Do: Reshaping Marriage for Skeptics, Realists and Rebels] (, by Susan Pease Gadoua and Vicki Larson. There are others listed on the right as well.

If you're seeking to opt out or open up your marriage, such info could be helpful. If you stay you could have a discreet and open marriage. You're being 57, married for 25, your sexless situation is beyond repair. You could stay though for the kids.

The book challenges readers to consider alternate marital agreements in a world where married people are in sexless marriages, more couples are having children out of wedlock and about half of all marriages end in divorce. 鈥淩ather than continue to encourage people to cram themselves into an old model that isn鈥檛 working for many 鈥 about one out of two marriages ends in divorce 鈥 we want to acknowledge what鈥檚 already happening and encourage you to think about new ways to marry,鈥 the authors write. It offers up seven models of alternate marriages for modern couples to consider. Reading the reviews on amazon could be enough.

u/atreyuno 路 2 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

Do you know...

You are worthy of love and affection. You are worthy of a partner who takes an interest in fulfilling your needs. Your value does not have to be proven or negotiated. It is undeniable. Nothing you have done or failed to do changes your worthiness of an equal, interested and supportive partner.

If you disagree with any of that. If you felt any stirring, protest or discomfort... then you probably already know that there's a deeper issue which requires your attention.

Lots of sources out there but I liked No More Mr Nice Guy. Just saw another poster on this sub mention it too.

u/marriedscoundrel 路 4 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

A book that gets recommended around here often is No More Mr Nice Guy. The tl;dr is that being a pushover awards you nothing, especially in a relationship.

What happens is that if the woman starts cutting off sex because she鈥檚 鈥渘ot in the mood鈥 that a hard thing to argue against. Can鈥檛 expect you to want sex if you鈥檙e 鈥渘ot in the mood.鈥 Well then, what would put you in the mood? She rattles off things she wants, he bends over backwards to accommodate them. But not only does this not create sexual desire, it lowers his standing in her eyes, as now he鈥檚 become her 鈥渆rrand boy鈥 as you put it.

Or, to put it another way...

A: I want you to do this. It will make our relationship better.

B: Okay, I did it.

A: I love and respect you less now because you did it.

There are a lot of other concepts at play, but it basically reinforces the idea that women fundamentally want strong, leader-type men, even if verbally she says otherwise.

u/natespizer 路 2 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

Time for him to read "Shes Comes First"

If you want to work on it is there any way you could talk up his manhood if he would make you feel more like a woman and help you to orgasm more often.

I would LOVE to be able to go down on my wife more. Maybe taking this tact might help.

u/drplump 路 2 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

It is so common for how little it is talked about that it is shocking and sad. Based on your other comments in this post you sound like you are in a perfect situation to fix it.
-Solid support system
-Aware of the issue
-Accepts that sexual attraction should occur
-Wants to fix it
-Ideal experimental situation already in place (in a situation where everything is working correctly EXCEPT this one thing with a partner who is understanding)

-Not sexually attracted to partner

Final piece of advice is a often sub-reddit recommended book "The Sex-Starved Marriage: Boosting Your Marriage Libido: A Couple's Guide". You are not married but the person who wrote this book is old so you are pretty much in what they consider a marriage. I have not finished reading it myself but everything I have read so far has been solid advice.

u/Ro-bearBerbil 路 2 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

Even with considerable effort, you are not likely to regain the spark.

If she was very open and still a decent sex drive, but was basically bored with the relationship, it's possible with things like open relationships and swinging, all of that new relationship energy translates over into the primary relationship, sort of rekindling things. Sometimes just doing more exciting things with a partner can make this happen temporarily.

But this all presupposes that she has any drive at all. It's harsh to accept this. What sucks is that was that if she was with someone else new at the moment, it's more than likely that she would have drive and desire - for a little while. Then it would wane again. It probably isn't you, but more of the familiarity of you. I'm not saying this to be cruel, this is part of the problem I have.

What you are driving at is that some people are not wired to want sex except with what is novel and new. That's part of what monogamy difficult. If, without consequence you could have sex with someone hot and new would you? Of course, that's what we're designed to do. The problem comes into when you are with someone long term. If your partner isn't actively trying to make things interesting, it won't work. And if she has zero drive, well - I don't know how you start from this.

But I would still attack some potential physical problems to try to increase drive. If she isn't working out, she probably should try exercise. If she's on hormonal birth control, get off of it. Have her get a physical to see if there is anything seriously wrong. My wife had Lyme Disease diagnosed recently, which messes with libido, it really could be anything. Eat better, be healthier. These aren't bad things to do for yourself anyway.

I've heard good things about "Mating in Captivity", which seems to be about what you are talking about from a relationship perspective, but I have not gotten a chance to read it yet.

Best of luck.

u/dbconfession 路 2 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

So while she isn't being attentive to your needs (putting out, as it were) you're going two or three extra miles to be the perfect partner in an attempt to "earn" some sex from her. What incentive is there for her to change? The relationship's inertia is in her favor; to have to wrapped around her little finger he just has to do nothing.

I'm currently reading 'The Married Man Sex Life Primer' and it's speaking to me. I can work on myself and get more/better sex by being worthy of more/better sex. If I'm in shape and a better rounded person and she still doesn't take my needs into consideration then I guess I'll have a hard choice to make.

u/NoFucksLeftOver 路 3 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

This is one of my favorite books.

One of their big points is that men deal with shame day to day in a way that women can't really imagine (and the men I know who've read this book are wrecked by it, say someone understands them finally). They say a man's emotions are as sensitive as your clitoris, and it's super important to concentrate for a few moments about how much you love him, think positively about him, etc., before you proceed with something important. If you jump right into it, he will experience a surge of adrenaline, shame that he is not pleasing you, and likely shut down.

How can you approach it so that doesn't happen?

u/TechReader01 路 1 pointr/DeadBedrooms

I might recommend one of the books in the sidebar,

If she can learn to enjoy sex, that would be a win for both of you.

u/AssistantBeast 路 2 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

This book has helped numerous religious people I know, LDS and not, better understand and accept the role of sexuality in a marriage.

The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex.

You may want to check it out.

My wife and I still grapple with the issues you describe, but the advice in this book really did help.

u/Evapor8ing 路 3 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

The full title is Attached: the new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find - and keep - love

u/hornymusings 路 4 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

DB situations can be temporary or can change. Just as there are many reasons for a DB situation to develop, there are many reasons why/how they can be solved. Esther Perel's book, Mating in Captivity contains a few anecdotes of such successful turnarounds.

Now, about your specific case... "Trying" is all well and good, but if you (as a couple) don't understand why your sex life dwindled, if you don't address the "root cause", simply "trying" could be futile. Truly solving your problem requires desire to return to both of you. Blindly trying might work... or not.

u/Halafax 路 5 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

I read it, I thought it was good for me, but I didn't like it very much. He has an aggressive tone that put me off for long stretches. The message was valid, however.

Particularly if you have any tendency toward codependent relationships. What I took away is that a person has, not only a right to, but a responsibility to consider and fulfill their own wants and needs. Which might sound pretty common sense-ish, but really wasn't for me.

u/fucksugar 路 3 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

He definitely sounds uninterested in talking about things. Most men are. I've just started a book called How to Fix Your Marriage Without Talking About It and it's pretty interesting.

Basically, the harder you try to connect or get close to him, the further he pushes you away. You're working from a place of fear and anxiety, and his motivations for treating you the way he does come from shame. Most of this is subconscious but it affects the way conflict plays out.

With your husband being ill, you being his caretaker and the main breadwinner, it's very likely he's coming from a place of shame when he makes those jokes and withdraws from you. Subconsciously, at least, the most important things to a man are being a protector, a provider and a lover. He's failing at all three right now, so he's in a bad place mentally and it's spilling over into your relationship.

You've been so strong for him and your family and it sucks to hear that basically, you're gonna just have to keep being the strong one, but that's pretty much the deal if you're going to stay.

I totally understand how frustrating it is when you truly believe that the solution to your perceived problem is: more talking, more dates, more closeness and affection. That makes perfect sense in your brain. Those are the things you feel are lacking, so you figure you can just keep pushing for them, asking in different ways and eventually he'll "get it."

He won't. You'll keep banging your head against the wall, so maybe it's time to change your approach.

u/trawid2016 路 1 pointr/DeadBedrooms

Did you ever have a good sex life with her?
If so, what changed? Lost the NRE, moved in together?

There is a theory that when men bend over backwards for women it makes you less attractive. Most women are not turned on by you being a door mat.
There's a book that is a really easy read that goes into detail about how to stop bending over backwards for your lady and start taking care of you, how to have a balance of power in your relationship.

Right now you are giving her all your power. And honestly you are rewarding bad behavior. Why would she change when you are killing yourself to make her happy?

I think a lot of men believe that you have to either be super nice or you are an abusive jerk. There is a middle ground of being assertive and having appropriate boundaries.

If you never had a great sex life, it could be that she is low libido or asexual or she has suffered trauma or she is a lesbian. I think it's worth giving that book a try and see what happens.

u/throw11011010 路 3 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

Straight away, I'm going to recommend you first read or listen to Emily Nagoski's book "Come as you are":

A discreet audiobook version is available here, DRM free:

In the meantime if you search online for Emily Nagoski's TED talks, videos, podcasts and blog, she also discusses the key themes of the book.

u/bunilde 路 1 pointr/DeadBedrooms

It is a standoff. She resents you for emotionally neglecting her, you resent her for sexually depriving you. You don't want to do anything because it doesn't feel natural or authentic. How does it get authentic when it comes from a place of score-keeping and resentment? It may feel awkward and forced in the beginning, but as you get more comfortable and used to expressing yourself and being affectionate with her, maybe it will get easier.

[Since you said you don't like talking...] (

[Oldie but goodie] (

[This is a lot of work, but you have to do it together and it might bring you closer] (

[I haven't read this one, but I've read something else with a similar idea (the writers were an English couple but goddamnit I can't think of the title), and maybe you can try the suggestions] (

u/Poor_Mexican 路 20 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

Your wife doesn't respect you, simple as that. The problem isn't her, its you. Do yourself a favor and read this book before you go see a divorce lawyer, trust me it WILL HELP.

u/db4unme 路 2 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

I use to be a "nice guy" and people took advantage of me. Now am am hyper aware of the relationship dynamics and shit can the ones that are not balanced. You might not realized you do have a expectation of a return of you gestures. You should read: No More Mr Nice Guy

u/CarcinogenicBunny 路 8 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

Ugh. He sounds like a nightmare to deal with.

u/aradthrowawayacct made a suggestion in another thread that I think might be useful for you.

> Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder

> Skip over the personality disorder mention in the title if it doesn't apply, regardless of anyone's actual diagnosis, it's a great book on advocating for yourself in an intimate relationship with a difficult or high conflict personality.

You really need to disentangle yourself from his mess of emotions and make sure you can take care of your needs at home (and elsewhere lol).

I don鈥檛 judge your history btw. Life is difficult to navigate and it isn鈥檛 black and white - we all have our challenges that we need to face in order to get through it relatively unscathed. 馃榾

u/thudicum 路 1 pointr/DeadBedrooms

You would probably find this book to be interesting.

No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover

u/Deseejay 路 1 pointr/DeadBedrooms

Personally I found this book to be more enlightening.

u/vacuu 路 -1 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

This is actually a well-known phenomenon. It is explained in this book.

Free pdf download:

u/throwaway2211009999 路 1 pointr/DeadBedrooms

You are a Nice Guy^tm

You think that by busting your ass to spoiling her that her affection is indebted to you. Codling your wife and catering to her every whim isn't winning her over, in reality all it has caused is for her to lose respect for you. You are a doormat.

Read this Book:
DL Link:

You will be surprised how accurately it will describe you.

u/notmyrealaccount1124 路 1 pointr/DeadBedrooms

> "Passionate Marriage"

Which book is this exactly? And is there an audiobook version?

I think I found it here:

But there is also (same author, very similar title): seems to only have the 2nd one. but this seems to be the first one (right?)

u/throwaway12throwaway 路 6 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

Yes, this is referring to a book. I've read it. It goes through a lot of detail of female anatomy and female sexual response. Then it gets into some specific techniques for oral sex on women.

The book also recommends that the man provide the woman with an orgasm (or more) before having one himself. It sounds like you strongly agree with this approach, as do I.

However this is a subreddit that is all about sexual dysfunction or loss of desire. When you're not having any sex at all, someone stating that they have (at least) 3 orgasms per encounter is going to be a painful reminder of what you're missing.

In my case I used to be able to make my wife cum consistently from PIV, and she would have at least one orgasm before I did. Sometimes I could get her going into a sequence of multiples. But for reasons unexplained she decided that she doesn't enjoy sex and really never did. So now I have sex with someone else, and she gets to have one (or more) orgasms before I do.

u/kenlem 路 1 pointr/DeadBedrooms

LL can be a case of Mating in Captivity.

Best thing is to talk to him. If you have trouble doing that, go see a therapist even if he won't come with you.

u/lespritd 路 1 pointr/DeadBedrooms

> We were having sex approx every 2 weeks in undergrad, but hooking up too, and I was fine. It went to approx 1/month after getting engaged. We moved in together around that time, which if anything seemed to make it worse. So far in 2019, we have had sex 3 times.

It's pretty simple, really: the two of you aren't having sex because she doesn't want to have sex with you. People who want to have sex, have sex, even if they have to overcome various obstacles to do so.

The most likely explanation is that she's just not attracted to you. If that is the case, there are things you can do to try to remedy that: lift weights (starting strength[1] is a good place to start), evaluate your clothes (r/malefashionadvice), and do a behavioral inventory ("No more Mr. Nice Guy"[2] seems to be a favorite of this sub). Doing that stuff may or may not help.

There are other things that could be going on.

She might have past trauma. She might have hormonal issues. She might be asexual. She might have a medical condition that makes sex painful or otherwise unpleasant. She might have too much stress in her life. Etc.

You can't "fix" any of these issues. Only she can address them (and even then, her efforts may not be successful).

There are definitely stories about couples who fix their dead bedrooms on this sub, but almost universally, it's because both partners were committed and motivated to solve their problem.

The only thing you can do on your own is to leave. And be glad you noticed this issue before you got married, instead of after.



u/pyrovoice 路 1 pointr/DeadBedrooms

You might want to read this book, it has a surprising amount of information.

u/dfwbbwgallooking 路 2 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

Why are you staying? What is keeping you in the relationship? I recommend that you read the book Too good to leave too bad to stay:

u/diversionmary 路 3 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

Have you read Married Man's Sex Life Primer, How to Get Your Wife to Have Sex With You, 5 Love Languages and The Sex Starved Marriage ?

I have no idea how to convey the terror that is being in a sexless marriage. I question everything about myself and my life. It is the worst thing that has ever happened to me. If you had a magic button to push, I would GLADLY give you the contents of my bank accounts & 401k.

If you don't have any experience with this, I can't imagine that your advice will be that practical. My wife stiffens if I touch her. Do you understand?

Poor sexual rapport would be something that I'd like to attain, I'd liken our situation to ABYSMAL sexual rapport. Literally, she will speak to her mother our our daughter in a nicer tone of voice, or will hug & kiss them without a care the way I wish she'd do for me.

u/demonaspet 路 2 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

> Over the last few of years I have tried to directly address the situation. It got so bad that at one point, maybe a couple years ago, I confessed a huge amount of guilt I had been feeling because it had occurred to me that cheating on her would be easier than keeping up the fight (not that I actually would). I felt like an awful human being for a long time because I thought it would be easier to get that fix from someone else than to try to keep trying to fix our broken mess of things.

You sound like you could benefit from reading No more Mr. Nice Guy.

u/AdNinja 路 1 pointr/DeadBedrooms

Read MMSL (the book) (this is apparently the only thing I post). I've found it empowering, gives me something to do while on the path to decision making.

u/it_is_not_the_spoon 路 8 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

No More Mr. Nice Guy

It was the most important book for fixing my marriage and getting me out of the dead bedroom.

u/CameBackChanged 路 1 pointr/DeadBedrooms

Your description reminded me of something. This isn't it -- the book I was thinking of is still stuck on the tip of my tongue -- but it turned up during my googling, and according to one review, there are even 7 marriages in it: