(Part 2) Top products from r/Divorce

Hey there, I feel like I'm in a good place to respond to you. I'll give you my story and then some advice. I hope this helps. =)

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My Story

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I'm 27M, my wife of 7 years told me back in May that she wasn't happy, didn't know what made her happy, and that the best time she remembered having was while I was in Afghanistan. Within 3 weeks, she moved out, and that very same day she moved out, she got into a relationship with a guy. She moved in with him a couple of weeks ago and might even move out of state with him. She initially blamed it on me. I'm not abusive, I'm not a cheater, I did a lot of stuff for her. It just wasn't enough, or maybe it wasn't in the right love language.... As time went on, I've started to learn it was really a fundamental incompatibility between the two of us. That's a hard pill to swallow, because in a lot of ways, we made an excellent team. We met in high school, JROTC, I joined the Army, we dated through my basic training, and my tech school. A year after coming back, we were married. 5 Months later I was notified I would be deploying to Afghanistan. I was overseas for our 1 year anniversary. It was hell on me, so much so that in 2015 I signed the paperwork to leave the active-reserves, and in 2016 my contract expired. I left because I wanted to focus on family, on her, and on getting ready to have a child. In April of 2017 we bought a house. I was so happy. The end of that year we started trying for a kid. It never panned out before she asked for a divorce. We're filing "pro se" no lawyers. We agree on everything, the cars are paid off, and as long as the house sells for enough, we are just going to split the proceeds 5050. She doesn't want support from me, she just wants a clean cut. Because she was having trouble figuring out the forms and such, I went ahead and filed. It was the toughest week of my life. I always said "I will never file the paperwork, I'm in this in the long haul and I feel like we can overcome whatever is thrown our way." It felt like I was going against my own ideals. But as time went on, I found that it made less sense to force her through that gauntlet when I'm better suited to knocking it out. It certainly didn't make sense to keep her around, she clearly didn't want to stay.

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First of all, take a couple of breaths. You're going to be alright, I promise. Since she told me we wanted to leave, I've put the house up on the market, set up an apartment lease that I move into the end of November, and I've got a better outlook in general.

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Secondly, and I can't emphasize this enough. No guy worth his salt, worth your time, and your love, is going give a damn that you were divorced. I'd like to think that I'm a smart enough dude to know that divorces are multi-faceted, complicated as all hell, living nightmares. Divorce doesn't define you. It shapes you into the person you are going to become. That being said, it's entirely up to you weather the person you become sees this divorce as a springboard for growth, or an opportunity for self-pity. That's a big deal, at least for me. I could care less if you are divorced or not. It's how you handled it that will matter to me.

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You will be able to love someone else again if you approach this with introspection, positive growth, and even a little bit of kindness to the world (including your ex.) Hell, I didn't want this, she blindsided me, but the other day she reached out when we put the house up on the market, and I was able to have a decent conversation with her, without it going sour, and without getting a rush of the "couldhavebeens." It felt like a huge stepping stone for me, she said a lot of stuff that really hurt, but using some of the tools I've learned over the last few months, I was able to understand that was simply her talking from her perspective, and I can't really take that personally.

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Remember, the love you felt was in your own head, and in your heart. While it feels like some kind of ethereal connection, it's created from within you. What you are going through right now is a lot like a drug withdrawal, your brain is telling you that you need him. You don't. Not because he's necessarily a bad person, or couldn't give you what you needed, it just means that you are a human being, completely and totally capable of providing your own happiness. It will be tough learning how to do it on your own, but your potential for happiness, love, and a rich life, expand exponentially when you learn how to love yourself and generate your own happiness.

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I'll leave you with this. I'd highly recommend this book; The Storms Can't Hurt the Sky by Gabirel Cohen. It's tagline is "the Buddhist path to divorce." I'm not Buddhist, but there is some seriously good stuff in that book, and it really did give me an "aha" moment with my situation.

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I'm more than happy to keep chatting with you, feel free to shoot me a DM if you want to keep it private. You got this girl, your life is far from over, and in reality it's just getting started. Turn this situation on it's head and make this the beginning, not the end.

Hope you don't mind some unsolicited advice.

I struggled with some of the same things in my new relationship that you are, I hope you don't mind me sharing some things that helped when I started to worry about whether this relationship would be any different. I really did stress about it for years.... the feeling of "Well, last time i thought it was great, too" or "I've proven I can't pick a partner well at all" was overwhelming at times, almost leading me to decide that I'd be better off just not pursuing a relationship with anyone, ever.

Here's some things that have helped me get past that fear.

First, make some lists. I'm not really a list person, but these lists helped in a big way.

1. Make a list of everything about your previous partner that led to the failure. Mine had things like "never put my needs ahead of her own" and "Got mad when I spent time with friends instead of her" and "Overly-emotional responses to little things." Then, think, long and hard, about your new partner, and take a fat red pen and cross everything on the list that just doesn't apply to your fiance off the list. When you have a page full of red, you'll feel a little better.
   
   
2. Make a list of all the warning signs you ignored because you're an idiot. You know they were there, I still kick myself for ignoring them, there were so many red flags that I just walked past, I saw them, rationalized them... in my case "wasn't willing to wait for me to be ready to get married, delivered ultimatums about "now or just go" and "completely freaked out at me for still e-mailing with an ex" and the like were on the list. Then cross off everything that doesn't apply. Another page full of red made me feel better.
   
   
3. Make a list of everything YOU'VE learned that makes you a better partner than you were. Top of my list were "you can't count on someone staying with you because you're married, you have to work to make sure that every single morning the person that wakes up next to you wants to be with you." Also on my list, things like "Some things are just not worth fighting about" and "it's really important that both people in the relationship keep their own hobbies, their own friends, and their own interests." Don't cross these off, just use the list to remind yourself that even though there's damage and scarring from the old relationship, that you also learned a lot, grew a lot, and that you'll be a better partner this time around.
   
   Second, do some real, tangible things to make sure the relationship feels different. I'm sure some of the things we're doing will help the relationship, but more than that, the fact that we're both doing so much to make sure this is going to work just provides me a level of comfort that we're both committed to making this work and that we're thinking about the right things. They also make me feel, a lot more, like if there were a dealbreaker, that we'd have found it by now.
   
   
4. Saving your Second Marriage Before it Starts is a book and a his/hers workbook that has been kinda cool. It doesn't all seem useful, and much of it seems common sense, but again, much of the value has been that we cared enough to do it, and that through the course of it we didn't find anything that was really scary or too much to work through.
   
   
5. Joint counseling. My fiance and I attend church together (which, on its own is new, and helps) but we're getting premarital counseling from the church. I'm not a 'religion is the fixer for every problem in the world' guy, but I do think a shared faith is important (not that I've had it before in relationships) and I think a situation where we're encouraged to talk about that faith and grow it together can help. However, because the church has a tendency to try to be 'more' than it is, we are:
   
   
6. Getting pre-marital counseling from a real psychologist/counselor. They're very happy with us, apparently most couples wait until the problems are deep and the baggage is piled up and the stress is absurdly high. We haven't, honestly, found a single thing that really needs to be dealt with, that we haven't already talked about and worked through, but the comfort that comes from knowing that we talked, together, with a professional, for 6 or 8 weeks is cool.
   
   and, finally, simply have the hard talks. Make sure you've brought up all your damage. When we finally decided to make this relationship real, to change the nature from 'right now' to 'forever' we had to open some doors to conversation that I didn't really want open. I had to basically hand her the tools to break me... the things my ex did that eviscerated my emotionally, the things she said that still sit in the back of my brain and burn... she needs to know these tripwires are still there, that there are things she should be able to do or say that won't be interpreted as "Wow, my new wife did this once" but rather as "Wow, my partners ALWAYS do this to me." She did the same. Things I wouldn't have thought would be a big deal (and, really, for most people wouldn't be) will destroy her, and I know why, and I know how to avoid them.
   
   And, finally, and I don't know if I recommend this, because I hate it every damn day, but we stopped having sex. We'd had great (better than great) sex for 3 and a half years, and I stopped it about 2 months ago until we're married sometime this fall or winter. It wasn't a religious thing, though I am Christian, so it does make me feel better in some ways, but it was because I realized how we were using sex to avoid some things and I wanted us to have some more tools in our toolbox. Sex was being used as "I'm sorry" and it was covering "I don't feel very emotionally close to you" and even, occasionally, for 'I don't want to talk about this stressful thing, so I'm going to start sex instead." We've actually been forced to come up with more ways to connect, more ways to apologize, more ways to comfort each other me when things are going rough, and that's helped too. Plus, as a side bonus, since it was my idea, her friends think I'm the most amazing man in the world, and the 'man club' showed up, took away my man card, and left me with a tutu and a chihuahua puppy in a sweater. Plus, I think the cable company swapped out NFL this fall with Ice skating finals. sigh Oh well. (Plus, down the road, when my daughter asks, I can honestly say "Well, your step-Mom and I had sex some, then realized it would be better if we waited until we were married.")
   
   Wow. A book full of advice you didn't ask for.

No doubt this isn't going to be emotionally/spiritually easy, but logistically it's a total cinch! in my case, I had to continue to communicate with my STBXW because we have a 2 year old daughter. it was fucking hell for a long time, until I finally let go. in my case, my STBXW is (in her words) mostly gay, and it dating a woman. I happen to think that she rationalizing it by using the word mostly because of how society and her mother tells her she needs to be, but that aside, I made it. I'm here. I'm OK. This is after feeling like I was literally having a heart attack every day/night. The only thing that kept me from stepping in front of a city bus and turning my computer off for good was my little daughter. Even time with her was murder, because I felt so very alone with her because she reminded me of what (I thought) I had fucked up (my marriage). After time had passed, my STBXW started communicating again, and the truth came to pass. I began to let go. I began really really bonding with my daughter in a way I never had before. My love for my daughter grew deep and strong, and in a way the love I have for my STBXW transformed into a deep respect for her being finally honest with herself and honest with me.

Now? I love waking up and going to my job and I look forward to my days with my little girl, and the family time me and my STBXW have carved out for the three of us. Will I have my weak days? Yes. We all do. Will this flow I'm feeling last? No. It never does.

My point isn't to bore you with my story. My point is your road to feeling like this seems much less treacherous and difficult versus the one I walked/am walking. That's not to minimize what you're feeling. I know you're hurting. It hurts like fucking hell to think that you are missing out on true love ever lasting and all that tripe that the greeting card industry sell us.

Go no contact. Eat well. Go to the gym. Leave her alone, and if I were you, I would refuse dinners/fake dates/movie nights/cuddling. You're on your own now. Enjoy it and build yourself back into the man that some lovely woman out there is looking for. She's there somewhere, but you've got a huge blind spot right now in the shape of your STBXW that you have to clear out.

Good luck and PM anytime if you need help. Plenty of people helped me when my divorce process started, and I'm happy to pay it forward. Trust the process and trust that it takes time to flush out the cortisol (stress hormone) and get over the toxic shame that you fucked something up. Remember, it takes two.

In the meantime, read this book.

Right there with ya, bud. From 18-31 I was in a relationship all but a year and a bit. Honestly, this is the best part of being single. There are no rules, other than treat others as you want to be treated. I separated from my ex January 2017, but only really became "single" January this year as I was living under the same roof as her last year while separated. Focus on you and your child, first and foremost. Take the time to enjoy being single. Make sure you're connecting with friends and family, take up hobbies, and just enjoy this time. The day will come when you will find someone else, but until then, figure out the life you want and make a plan to get there. Also resist the urge to jump straight into another relationship. It's your life, but generally it's a good idea to work on yourself and figure out what went wrong in the marriage before you get involved seriously with another person. Again, it's your life, and you'll know when you feel ready, but when the loneliness hits it is far too easy to feel the urge to get with the first person who might give you attention.

I wish you luck. It can be scary, sad, lonely at times, but it is SO worth it. Sending you love, brother. You've got this. One more thing; my therapist recommended the book below to me, and I am slowly working my way through it and wish I had found it sooner. Hope it helps.

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https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01CFGRH52/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1

Congratulations on the beginning of the rest of your life! Your wife sounds like a NARCISSIST! I know I was with one for 22 years only realized it after he left. You are not at fault nor are you crazy, narcissists are master manipulators. Im happy you did not take your own life, she is not worth it.

 

Here are some resources that have immensely helped me get through my divorce sanely and without hurting anyone nor myself:

Check out the criteria for a person to be considering as suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder or NPD:

To be classified as suffering from NPD the person must meet 5 of the 9 criteria, I have included some links below:

-[Mayo Clinic] (http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/basics/symptoms/con-20025568)

Mayo clinic has a nice concise description

 

[From Halcyon] (http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/dsm-iv.html)

They provide detailed information

-[American Psychiatric Association] (http://www.psi.uba.ar/academica/carrerasdegrado/psicologia/sitios_catedras/practicas_profesionales/820_clinica_tr_personalidad_psicosis/material/dsm.pdf)

This one take a bit more searching thru.

 


If this is your situation consider reading:
["The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists" by Eleanor Payson] (https://www.amazon.com/Wizard-Oz-Other-Narcissists-Relationship/dp/0972072837)
This has helped me immensely navigating through my divorce from an NPD and understanding my life with him.

 

REGARDING YOUR MENTAL WELL BEING:

Go walking, easiest form of exercise and great to help you think and clear your brain. I started walking on my doctors orders and it was the best advice. I also heard from a psychologist that exercise is an antidepressant.

Post on this sub-reddit, just like you did. It has helped me get through the most difficult days.

 


I highly recommend finding a therapist who specializes in [EMDR therapy] (http://www.emdria.org/?page=2).
EMDR therapy has helped me immensely, it is amazing I would go in broken in with in 24 - 48 hrs I was so much better. I can't say enough good things about it.

 


ON THE LEGAL SIDE:

Even if you are going to go through mediation lawyer up. If you do not have enough to hire a lawyer outright see if you can hire one to guide you through the process. Even if you go through mediation it is recommended that you have a professional to provide guidance through the ever changing legal landscape.

 


Best of luck.

California Family Law attorney here.

I guess the question really is - does it matter? Your wife's behavior has an effect on your children; that it might - MIGHT - be Narcissistic Personality Disorder really is irrelevant. If it were to have some bearing in a custody case, a judge is less likely to be interested in whatever label a psychiatrist might assign, and more interested in what she is doing and the impact on your children.

However, if you would like some piece of mind, may I recommend a book to you? "Stop Walking On Eggshells" is an excellent resource and was recommended to me by a counselor whose opinion I value. You might want to get a copy.

Best regards,
Stephanie A. Richer
Author of "California Divorce: Plain and Simple"

Absolutely. My wife told me she wanted a divorce 2 months ago, and it was awful the first couple of weeks. I kept running to help control my emotions, and saw a marriage counselor several times for advice on what to do to save my marriage. It's been really hard, but it's getting better. Where I was 2 months ago vs today... I'm a better me. It's so easy to fall into self-destructive behaviors. Being aware is one thing, but gathering that inner strength to build the willingness to change and be strong... That's a whole different thing altogether.

I read a couple good books over the last two months:

The Divorce Remedy

You Will Get Through This

I keep recommending it, but Storms Can't Hurt the Sky helped me the most thus far. Keep an open mind and read it. Your story sounds like it may ring more clearly with the author's story, but I still easily related to he book in my situation. Hope it helps. Kindle version is only $10.

https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B003P9XDKC/ref=tmm_kin_title_0?ie=UTF8&qid=&sr=

You might want to try meditation/mindfulness. Read the book Mindsight, it will teach you how and why this will help.

Think of your mind as the hub of a wheel. Imagine the spokes moving out in all directions, connecting to our sensations (our five senses & the external world), our internal body (heart, lungs, etc), mental activities (feelings, thoughts, memories), and interconnectedness (with other people and our surroundings). The rim.

At the center (the hub), we are at peace. Everyone has a hub. But often times we get stuck on the outer parts of the wheel (in your case, feelings, thoughts, memories & maybe interconnectedness) and we can't find peace. Meditation can teach you to recognize when you are on focusing on the rim instead of being at the hub. Being your thoughts instead of seeing them for what they are.

I'd also recommend "The Way to Love: The Last Meditations of Anthony de Mello". It's a very short book with solid advice. You've attached your happiness to your STBX. Any time we attach to something for our happiness, we can't be happy because we become anxious of losing it. In your case, you have lost it. I'm in the same boat, so no judgement. We have to learn that we don't need them (or anyone or anything else) to be happy. It takes time, and mindfulness can help with this as well.

Maybe these can help you.

You want to know why she's doing this and you are asking for resources.

Pal, today is your lucky day because I have a book that has all the answers that you seek. I warn you though, the truth is horrible and will make you rage like you have never raged before. Once you let it sink in, you will be liberated and in a stronger position to select a new long term partner based on truths.

Here it is:

https://www.amazon.ca/Rational-Male-Rollo-Tomassi/dp/1492777862

Good luck.

If you unplug, make sure you pass it forward and save another man. It's why I'm here.

Ahh OK. Well good luck. This book might help Divorce-Poison-New-Updated-Bad-mouthing

https://www.amazon.com/How-Can-Forgive-You-Courage/dp/0060009314

This book! It discusses forgiveness and that not all things should be forgiven (yes, it's true) but how to move on from that and get to a place of acceptance and peace.

>I suggested as much at our joint counseling sessions and the counselor seemed to think that I was trying to shift blame.

That's unfortunate.

You are now learning how much society pushes co-parenting, no matter the circumstances. Newcomers like your girlfriend are convenient scapegoats for any conflict, since they are new on the scene. The popular culture opinion is that the relationship between the parents remain the central one in the parents' lives "for the good of the children." In reality, there has to be a shift where the focus of both parents is on the children, not one another. If just one parent refuses to do that, it isn't possible to co-parent and less-involved parenting becomes what is best for the children.

Many parents do make it work. Take a look around at the people who are parenting minors while not in a relationship and you will notice a pattern. Those who get along, even maintaining friendships, have had one or both move on with their lives and the ex/exes is/are able to accept this reality. Or neither has moved on with their lives and started a new relationship. If you have a situation like yours, where one of you is moving on and the other refuses to let go, having that ideal friendly co-parenting isn't going to be possible.

Even with counseling, co-parenting isn't possible if your view is toward separation and unemotional co-parenting and your ex's view is toward using parenting as a vehicle of continued control over you and your household. And if the counselor is working to keep the co-parenting relationship as the central relationship in your lives, then I think you may want to reconsider counseling. It's a great idea in theory; in the real world the conditions have to right for it to work.

You can't control your ex's choices and behavior, but you can adjust your your behavior to help create less conflict for your son's sake. To move forward, you may want to shift to parallel parenting with low contact.

/r/stepparents is a great resource for how to move forward with your relationship with a co-parent who won't let go. There are plenty of people (including myself) trying to co-parent or parallel parent with a high-conflict ex over there.

There is also a book (Custody Chaos, Personal Peace) which may help guide you from here.

Edited to add: Counseling for yourself is a great idea. I know that my SO had a grieving process to go through once the reality of his ex hit. He had so wanted to believe amicable co-parenting was possible, having held onto to the inherent security of that concept throughout the divorce process. Having to let go of hope that they could get along and place the kids first left him feeling alone and frightened. He was also extremely upset about his ex putting the children in the middle and, at times, hating him more than she loved them. It made him feel guilty that his kids had her as a mother, because he really got a taste of some of her ugly personality traits that he had been in denial about for many many years. There were some things that he needed to work through, and I imagine it's the same for you. Get yourself some support. (Make sure to ask any potential counselors about their experience working with blended families and high conflict exes. You'll need someone who understands all the complications.)

Gonna start with my regular checklist for family members, and then move into some other stuff, understanding that you've already checked some of these off:

Fundamental issues first:

1. Have a look at the CoDA website to try to grasp some of the interpersonal dynamics in play.
   
   
2. Take a look at these article on the KDT to see where you and they fit on the triangle (because everyone in this culture is on that thing).
   
   
3. Have a look at the five stages of therapeutic recovery to see where they are... and get a sense of whether or not they can move from the stages they are in to the next one.
   
   
4. Are they abusing drugs or alcohol? If so, will they go to rehab or to AA, MA or NA? Because if they are substance abusers and will not go to rehab or a 12 Step program, they are firmly at stage one of the five stages of therapeutic recovery, and the only thing you can do is walk away and protect yourself.
   
   Advanced issues second:
   
   
5. If they seem caught in the consensus trance, are they capable of understanding that? And are they motivated to dig out?
   
   
6. What financial resources (e.g. health insurance or savings) do they have? Are they sufficient to get them into a kick-start for their problems that may be as (relatively) inexpensive as a few visits with a psychiatrist (med prescriber) and/or a clinical psychologist (assessor and treatment suggestor) and/or a psychotherapist (who has experience with the therapies appropriate for her specific condition).
   
   
7. Will they go to (and stick with) ACA, EA and CoDA to get an at least somewhat educated support system around her?
   
   
8. Will they dig into the information on the Internet, and in thousands of excellent books one can easily find online (there's junk out there, as well; one will need to learn to discern the chicken pooh from the chicken salad), to enlighten her as to her condition and what to do about it? (See all these links: the CBTs including REBT, collegiate critical thinking, CPT, and schema therapy, as well as EMDR, DBT, MBCT, ACT, MBBT, MBSR, [SEPt]( https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Somatic_Experiencing, HBCT, NARM, SP4T and 10 StEPs of Emotion Processing.)
   
   
9. Will they use what they learn to dig into and do workbooks like these, and these and these and these?
   
   If -- after all that -- you're where I think you are, the best thing you can do is get everyone else on board with The Facts by reading books like these:
   
   Nina Brown's Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents
   
   Eleanor Payson's The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family
   
   Lindsay Gibson's Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents
   
   Elan Golomb's Trapped in the Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in the Struggle for Self
   
   Susan Forward's Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life (a bit long in tooth now, but still useful) and Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You
   
   Kimberlee Roth & Frieda Friedman's Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds & Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem
   
   Naomi Feil: The Validation Breakthrough: Simple Techniques for Communication with People with Alzheimer's (because, Alzheimer's or not, he has to be treated as though he is demented).
   
   Because there's almost nothing worse than a dry -- but actually untreated -- alcoholic defending himself with the very common distortions of the 12 Steps & 12 Traditions one sees in the rooms of AA among the self-righteously narcissistic. He has his defense mechanisms for a reason, and if he is not experiencing emotional pain himself, that reason will remain outside his consciousness.
   
   You can try the intervention route with someone skilled at motivational interviewing, but based on what you wrote -- and almost 30 years' experience with this sort of thing -- the prospects do not look good for anyone but those of you who do what I suggested.
   
   Call the police, and run all this down, especially if you have personally witnessed him being abusive and or violent with your mother, and be prepared to testify in court. Get an attorney to do a TRO and PRO. Tell the police as soon as the TRO is in place. Get your mother safely moved.

She's 6. We just recently moved into separate homes. These are the two that we used for her. We read "Two Homes" and then asked why she thought we read it to her. She answered, "Because you love me?" <3 We told her that we did and then discussed how things would be similar. She's asked questions since then and been emotional at times, but I was just telling her last night how proud I was for how she's been working through it.

https://www.amazon.com/Two-Homes-Claire-Masurel/dp/0763619841/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1542133270&sr=8-3&keywords=books+for+kids+about+divorce

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https://www.amazon.com/Standing-Own-Two-Feet-Affirmation/dp/0843132213/ref=pd_bxgy_14_img_3?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=0843132213&pd_rd_r=e8ff9f63-e770-11e8-aacc-dbdecc11c105&pd_rd_w=xWf4n&pd_rd_wg=HKcBs&pf_rd_i=desktop-dp-sims&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_p=6725dbd6-9917-451d-beba-16af7874e407&pf_rd_r=BCPVNK1E7ANB66SZK0AV&pf_rd_s=desktop-dp-sims&pf_rd_t=40701&psc=1&refRID=BCPVNK1E7ANB66SZK0AV

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I found the 'How Can I Forgive You?' book supremely helpful in answering this question, personally: https://www.amazon.ca/How-Can-Forgive-You-Courage/dp/0060009314/

Sounds like you might be a "nice guy" (like me)

Read or listen to the first chapter of No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert A. Glover and see if it might apply to you.

My five year-old really loves [Standing on My Own Two Feet!] (https://www.amazon.com/Standing-Own-Two-Feet-Affirmation/dp/0843132213)

I've not had to deal with this (yet), but what you've described with friends doesn't seem uncommon from what I've read in:

http://www.amazon.com/Divorce-Consequences-Current-Perspectives-Psychology/dp/0300125933

I know this feeling, I've been there often and occasionally still find myself there.
One thing that really helped me when my divorce first started was this book. It's Buddhist but that may still work with your scientific, atheist beliefs? And they have it on Kindle now so you can start it immediately.
https://www.amazon.com/When-Things-Fall-Apart-Difficult/dp/1570623449
Things start to slowly turn around but it takes a really long fucking time and you don't move forward linearly, I see it more like a spiral of concentric circles.

same thoughts here. I went through that journey. Now I have kids, and am single. Read the book, "Why Men Are The Way They Are" by Warren Farrell, it just might save your life!

http://www.amazon.com/Why-Men-Are-Way-They/dp/042511094X

It's called Rebuilding. Also the 10-week workshop I did with a group was based on this book. There are other books out there, but I recommend this one.

When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times (Shambhala Classics) https://www.amazon.com/dp/1570623449/ref=cm_sw_r_awd_X-BMub1S4SS9B

• Podcast: Esther Perel : https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/where-should-we-begin-with-esther-perel/id1237931798
  
• Book: Rebuilding https://www.amazon.com/dp/1626258244/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_t1_5.bXDb02G7AMZ

Non-mobile: You Will Get Through This

^That's ^why ^I'm ^here, ^I ^don't ^judge ^you. ^PM ^/u/xl0 ^if ^I'm ^causing ^any ^trouble. ^WUT?

“Rebuilding” by Bruce Fisher. Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends https://www.amazon.com/dp/1626258244/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_UokRCbKTVVCE2

This really helped (and is still helping) me.

Attached

You want to know why this happened to you? The answers are in this book.

https://www.amazon.ca/Rational-Male-Rollo-Tomassi/dp/1492777862

Knoledge is Power, insulate yourself from this in the future.

There is an opportunity here for you to unplug and see the world for what it really is. This is not your first rodeo, you have a daughter from a previous failed union.

Now is the time for you.

Be GAY FOR THE DAY!

1. Get this book https://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254 read it, and follow the instructions
   
   
2. Get a lawyer who understands the behaviour patterns. My first one didn't and kept expecting XW to be reasonable. This failed. My new lawyer took one look at her communications, said "you will never, ever reason with this person" and has helped me get it to court asap. Mediation etc is fine for two normal people who are having difficulties communicating because they are dealing with the emotional fallout of a marriage ending. If one of those people has a PD, it's generally a total waste of time (unless you have a specialist mediator, I suppose).
   
   
3. Get a counsellor who has experience helping people recover from narcissistic abuse. The sooner you start seeing her the better.
   
   
4. Expect hell. Your STBX will lie, cheat, blame to a far greater extent once they know the game is up. But as Churchill said - if you're going through hell, keep going.
   
   
5. Take notes and evidence constantly. Cross reference things. N's are quite convincing liars on the surface, but they have trouble maintaining consistency . That's where you trip them up in conjunction with your lawyer
   
   
6. NEVER, EVER suggest to them or the court that they have a PD. That will go very badly for you. You're not qualified to make that diagnosis, and it may turn the court against you. Instead just focus on patterns of behaviour.
   
   
7. I found this book very useful - it's a book on philosophy which is great for dealing with situations where you have very little power. https://www.amazon.com/Guide-Good-Life-Ancient-Stoic/dp/0195374614
   
   
8. Get your family and friends and support network in place before you make your move. Warn them that your STBX may play the victim and try and manipulate them. My XW took to messaging and calling my business partner's wife constantly in an effort to turn him against me. It caused me some problems initially, but we have it sorted now.

No one deserves to be cheated on. That's the worst type of hurt. My thoughts are with you. She sounds like a very difficult person to be around, in spite of the ruinous cheating mess she created.

A self-improvement book that really helped me understand the relationship dynamic is Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find - And Keep - Love The parts on "Distancing strategies" of "avoidant" types were especially enlightening.

Best of luck to you. Stay true to your intentions.

Read stop walking on egg shells: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B004DNXGFQ/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1
It describes living with a borderline personality disorder partner -which yours sounds very much like in a lot of ways. She has some sort of mental issue, has she ever had counseling / therapy? Either way, even with therapy and medication (which she likely won't stay on, in my experience anyhow) your life won't become livable. Don't wait, start the process now. Perhaps explain to your folks that you hate to cut the visit short, but some things have arisen in your relationship that need to be sorted out, I really doubt if it is news to them. Make your escape plan, then execute it. Get a lawyer, file for divorce, start therapy to get your mind straightened out from all this abuse, get moved out, then go no contact so she can't continue to abuse and torment you.

Hey sorry to hear you're going through this :(

I went through something very similar (except I knew at the time that's what she was doing as well, because I caught her lying to me numerous times).

One of the first things I did was unfriend her and all of her friends that I wasn't also good friends with. TBH most people who were kind of friends with both of us took my side completely (obviously) and knew what was going on, and even if they were going to spend time with her they sure as hell wouldn't have posted Facebook photos of the two of them. I figured out pretty quickly who had my back and cut out anyone we had in common who didn't. I have plenty of friends and a great support system, so I don't need people in my life who are wishy washy and couldn't see what she was doing was wrong.

In terms of stopping hurting so badly, I dunno it's tough, and takes time. I still have bad days, and I know if I saw the two of them together I'd probably lose it as well. I found this book to be very helpful. At some point you're going to look at your wasband and think that he's a tragically flawed individual who didn't deserve your love in the first place. Some people will always think the grass is greener, and it might happen again in his life even if it's quite far down the road. It's not a reflection on you, it's a reflection on him.