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Hi there. Welcome to the shit mom club. First of all I would like to say congratulations! This is a great start to setting boundaries and flexing your shiny spine. Good job.

Next I would like to point you to some resources and give you some advice/tips:

1. r/raisedbynarcissists - This is another support sub with phenomenal resources. Seriously, check those out.
   
   
2. If you need help building your shiny spine, this book about assertiveness training is excellent.
   
   
3. If you haven't heard of the "grey rock method" of communication you should google it. Pro tip: when grey rocking be sure not to JADE. It is a hard habit to break but I mention it specifically because the stuff about the rocky start was a bit JADE-y (which is fine, practice makes perfect).
   
   
4. www.outofthefog.website has a bunch of great stuff.
   
   
5. This book list has a bunch of wonderful suggestions that I hope you will find useful. (Be sure to read the comments.)
   
   You've already received great advice to keep it simple. When she tries to go off topic just cut her off. Repeat the boundary. There may be a lot of rinse and repeat (you'll sound like a broken record) but that is what is needed to get it through her thick skull.
   
   As for the consequences, they need to be swiftly and firmly enforced. Any lack in enforcement is seen as "win" on her part and then her behavior will escalate (because she doesn't think you will enforce anything).
   
   I hope this stuff helps. Best of luck! :)

If he can't tell the difference he needs his ears cleaned out. With a power drill. From the opposite side.

Cause he doesn't have a hearing problem; he has a listening-to-his-mate problem. And a (lack of) thinking problem.

I'll borrow from WessenRhein's post with this modification: His mommy doesn't think she's the Number Three Parent; she thinks she's the Number ONE Parent. You are apparently a day-care provider, expected to keep her up to date on HER child.

Please excuse my lack of politeness: Fuck that noise.

MIL's expectations are beyond unreasonable. They're beserk. D(u)H is enmeshed, enabling & requires getting his head set straight right now.

1. You grew LO inside you & gave birth. YOU are the #1 parent.
   
   
2. He's #2; his required loyalty is to you and LO.
   
   
3. His Mommy isn't parent # anything. Not 3, not 27, not 203.
   
   Grandparenting (her role) is to assist & support the two of you. It's a privilege rather than a right. She's un-entitled to ANY information; y'all share with her what you jointly agree is appropriate. This means two yesses are required: Y'all agree. Either of you says 'no' about sharing a particular piece of information, it remains un-shared.
   
   Cause His Mate & His Child come before His Mommy. Maybe when he was nine years old, Mommy came first. Seeing as how he's married to you & is LO's father, Mommy is no longer #1.
   
   Speaking directly to DH: Bud, grow the fuck up. Stop expecting your MATE, the woman who has partnered with you in adult life (& who not incidentally shares her heart, mind & body with you) to Keep Your Mommy Happy^tm
   
   Mommy is entitled to nothing. She gets what the two of you, as adults, graciously share. It's not your Partner's responsibility to prioritize communication with your mother over taking care of LO, taking care of herself or over anything.
   
   Your mother's expectations are beyond unreasonable; they're NUTS. One doesn't reason with crazy; one imposes limits. Calmly, rationally, firmly. It's excellent practice for when LO is three, cause Mommy is acting like an entitled three year old. Be fair, friendly & FIRM. If she tantrums, put her in time out - cut communication entirely for a week. Every time a time out is required, it should be double the previous one: 2X, 4X, 8X. This progression tends to, ah, Get the Offender's Attention and to convince them you're serious (you are).
   
   Your mom isn't a reporter or newscaster. It's Not Her Job to find & breathlessly report the details of other folks lives even if she thinks it is.
   
   You might want to look into When I say No I feel Guilty by Manuel Smith and No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover.
   
   They're excellent resources for a guy interested in being a Man.
   
   And love & respect your Mate. She's earned it: Your mother
   raised you; your Mate CHOSE you.
   

For your SO:

"Most adult children of toxic parents grow up feeling tremendous confusion about what love means and how it’s supposed to feel. Their parents did extremely unloving things to them in the name of love. They came to understand love as something chaotic, dramatic, confusing, and often painful—something they had to give up their own dreams and desires for. Obviously, that’s not what love is all about. Loving behavior doesn’t grind you down, keep you off balance, or create feelings of self-hatred. Love doesn’t hurt, it feels good. Loving behavior nourishes your emotional well-being. When someone is being loving to you, you feel accepted, cared for, valued, and respected. Genuine love creates feelings of warmth, pleasure, safety, stability, and inner peace." ― Susan Forward, Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life

 

Here is to many more years with your SO and without the people that call themselves his family.

I think what your therapist is recommending is that you read books and other resources about the two conditions to help you understand how to not enable her behavior and also to help you heal from her abuse.

And you are right, it isn't the same as a diagnosis. But ultimately, your response will be very similar with or without a diagnosis. My jusno's do not have any formal diagnoses that I know of. Originally, I thought that they might be this or that, and it felt like I needed to know. Ultimately, I came to the conclusion that I would never know, and furthermore my course of action wouldn't change even if I did know. Which means, for me, the precise condition is ultimately irrelevant. You will have to determine relevancy yourself. Your therapist has given you a generalized area to research that will hopefully help you to find the right path forward for you. I personally would also look at books on narcissism - not because I think your therapist is wrong, but rather because the conditions are similar enough that the books are helpful. Sometimes this is more about finding an author who speaks your language than it is about the precise condition.

Please take the time to understand the differences between Bi-Polar and Borderline Personality. My understanding is that they are pretty different in terms of their source, presentation and how to treat them. I have done way more research on personality disorders than Bi-polar.

Book options (based on your therapist suggestion) to help you on your way:

https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Caretaking-Borderline-Narcissist-Drama/dp/1442238321/ref=sr_1_5?keywords=borderline&qid=1568749104&s=gateway&sr=8-5 - have read this one - it is good

https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901/ref=sr_1_2?keywords=borderline&qid=1568748960&s=gateway&sr=8-2 - have heard good things about this one, no personal experience.

https://www.amazon.com/Understanding-Borderline-Mother-Unpredictable-Relationship/dp/0765703319/ref=pd_sbs_14_19?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=0765703319&pd_rd_r=1df02639-93bb-4407-a19e-09f71cb173bc&pd_rd_w=8tGI6&pd_rd_wg=FsKic&pf_rd_p=d66372fe-68a6-48a3-90ec-41d7f64212be&pf_rd_r=7J859K8ZGXEKBHVS3EW5&psc=1&refRID=7J859K8ZGXEKBHVS3EW5 - have also heard good things about this one.

> I'll write more about DH's childhood soon but in his case, placating his mother is how he survived.

That sounds awfully familiar to me, it's how I survived my childhood as well.

One of my favorite psychology/self-help books (https://smile.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842/) postulates that rather than just a "Fight or Flight" response in people, that's there's actually a "Fight, Flight, Fawn, or Freeze" response to things perceived as threats. Fight and flight are obvious, fight back or try to escape. Freeze is just sort of giving up and shutting down. And Fawn is trying to be super accommodating to try to defuse the threat "Here's my wallet, take my money, just please don't hurt me."

And that's how us "Fawns" get through childhood with a narcissitic parent. Not fighting back or trying to get away, just trying to give them what they want in the hopes that it'll make things ok (Hint: It won't).

It'll take time to break the cycle for your husband, it's all been ingrained since childhood. But as long as he's showing promise (And it sounds like he is), that's a great sign!

> I don't even know where to continue.

I think I can give you a few places to start. First off, what your mom was doing to you is sometimes called "emotional incest". I've found in my personal experience that having a name for my parents' dysfunctional behavior helps me to realize that I'm not the crazy one, it helps me to find resources, and it helps me to heal. If you Google "emotional incest" as your search term, you'll find a lot to look at. There are also a few books out there about the topic, but I haven't gotten around to reading them yet and I wouldn't feel comfortable giving recommendations for something I haven't read myself.

Unfortunately, most of the writing I've found on it assumes that it's an opposite sex parent/child, but I think that my mother also forced emotionally incestuous relationships on children of different genders. You're not alone. She used me (female) as her main emotional support for years, but not to the same extent as your mom. Then when I up and left, she switched to targeting my brother. It's tough to talk about and I can understand why you'd feel extra crazy because of it, but you're not. I think that my mother's demented emotional usage of me in addition to other factors harmed my ability to connect to other women for a while.

> She constantly called me a lesbian because during these years, I didn't date or have a boyfriend. I want to vomit thinking about this now, because it makes me think she considered her behavior towards me romantic.

You might also want to use the search term "covert incest"- you'll find info that way too. I think your mother was ashamed of her behavior and was projecting her shame onto you.

The website I linked to above, http://outofthefog.website/ is a very useful resource for learning more about dysfunctional family behaviors. A commenter elsewhere in this thread recommended Adult Children of Alcoholics, and in addition to a local chapter, you should follow their subreddit. It's over at /r/AdultChildren.

If you want a good book recommendation, Toxic Parents by Susan Forward talks about emotionally abusive parents, and she devotes a whole chapter specifically to the struggles of children with alcoholic parents. It is an old enough and popular enough book that you should be able to find it in local library, from a used bookstore, or off a site like thrift books to save you some money. It's a great book to read at the beginning of your healing journey.

The Emotionally Absent Mother, 2nd ed by Jasmin Lee Cori is worth looking for. It is broken into little chunks that make it easier to work through the book without getting emotionally exhausted. It is also packed with journal exercises that you can work on at your own pace. It talks about good mothers, neglectful mothers, and abusive mothers. It compares them, and it offers help for us to mother ourselves, to move forward, and to heal. A lot of books about abusive parents focus a lot on the parent. This book focuses more on us and the path forwards towards healing.

And finally, for a very unusual book recommendation- It's Never Too Late for a Happy Childhood by Claudia Black, the founder of ACOA. It's a picture book. The first time I read it, I cried, because it's full of affirmations for someone who was abused as a child. I have a hard time doing self-affirmations. I feel silly and have trouble finding words to tell myself that I'm a worthwhile human being. This book does it for you- just sit with it, read it slowly, and try to internalize all it has to say. It helps, and it's worth obtaining a copy to own and keep on your shelf for rough days.

I hope that wasn't too much of an info dump, but you mentioned getting a degree in psychology and you seem like a very self-aware and introspective person who would be interested in that. I just wanted to also thank you- you're the first woman I've heard from who was also tangled up in an emotionally incestuous situation with her mother. We deserved better.

Sounds like you have a narc on your hands, and you married her golden child. And that you should have stayed strong with your first NC, but isn't that true for all of us?

You're in the right place, and we can help you and if he'll let us- your husband. Who should check out /raisedbynarcissists.

Here's the three books I suggest that might really help with getting a good hold on the situation:

Here are the books that I think will give you the knowledge of what's going on, and tools to manage it.

1. Drama of the Gifted Child by Alice Miller. This was THE BOOK that started to set me free. It's a must read book for people with narc/abusive parents and their partners, in my opinion.
   
2. Toxic Parents is a classic about how to see the manipulative patterns from abusive parents and get free of them.
   
3. Wolf in Sheep's Clothing by Dr. George Simon. Man has a PhD in manipulation, and breaks down what the manipulators DO and how to shut it down. He's studied this for 20 years and it's AMAZING.
   
   If you read these three books, you'll be so far ahead of the game it's not even funny.
   

Books I recommend: Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents and Emotional Blackmail.

As for finding a therapist, I would use your insurance provider's search and look up the offices and generally they should have a list of areas of expertise covered by their therapists. You want to look for descriptions like Adult Children of Alcoholics/Addicts, Codependency, Family Issues, and when he calls he can give a brief description like you mentioned in your post. They should be able to direct him to a counselor to set up a first appointment. Also, think of finding a therapist like finding a partner. The first person he meets might not be the best fit, and he doesn't have to keep going to them if he wants to find someone he feels more comfortable with.

Good luck to you both!

My wife's family FUCKING HATES ME. Like with a passion. I am obviously the worst thing that has happened to her, as I make her happy, provide her a good home, beautiful children, a safe environment. But I also laid down the law. I set some serious and strong boundaries with her family. and they buck against them constantly, but all that has gotten them is NC for months/ years at a time. it has been hard for my wife, but the less time she spends with them the happier she is.

I've posted this before, but you should really read this book with your SO: http://amzn.to/1PuoGrQ - actually it should be required reading for anybody who visits this sub. Read it, and discuss boundaries to set with his family. if he is willing to set and follow and enforce them, He might be a keeper, but if he does not then leave.

It took about 3 years for my wife to realize the poison her family was on her, us, and our kids. With boundaries, we can have at least a cordial relationship with them on our own terms.

I do NOT regret marrying my wife, I love her dearly, I regret not setting some serious boundaries before we even got engaged.

Don't give in to her guilting you for attention.

​

You do want is right and best for you. If you don't want a relationship with her then don't have a relationship. If you do then have a relationship.

Look through the book list. The books cover a variety of situations. One that could help is Emotional Blackmail.

Good Luck and stay strong.

First. Get him to read this book: Stop Walking on Eggshells. It helps to understand what's going on with people who have Borderline Personality Disorder. Once he's read the book, the next step is to help him understand that without long term, intensive therapy and a willingness to change, she's never going to change. She's going to be the victim 100% of the time, and nothing is ever her fault. If you also have a moment, look at some of the resources in the sidebar of r/BPDlovedones. The sub is a little more relationship focused than family focused, but there's some solid resources there.

Best of luck

Leave a copy of this book - Natural Harvest cooking with semen - YUMMY! out on the side in a place where she will see it when she goes in the bathroom.

When you come home, tell her you've just gotten a great new cooking book and are looking forward to trying out the recipes and ask if she wants to come over for dinner.

Adult baby play giant diapers are always good.

Find out her favorite TV show and find a kinky version of the main character's signature clothing (if applicable), then hang it on a coathanger in the bathroom.

See if you can get a male friend to pose in bed with you and your husband... and put the pictures up on the bathroom mirror, next to the tube of half empty, sticky finger print covered lube.

Wish you the best in your situation!
I've heard a guy named Dave Ramsey recommend the book Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud a LOT to people dealing with these types of family issues. You/FDH may be interested to read it?
https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454
https://www.cloudtownsend.com/what-do-you-mean-boundaries-by-dr-henry-cloud-and-dr-john-townsend/

Wyze cams are very cheap and reliable as well as highly reccomended. There's a r/wyzecam, because of course there is, LOL...

Wyze Cams are incredibly affordable:

Pan & Zoom model $37.98

Wyze Cam V2 $25.98 plus 20% off now

The cameras are made for indoor use only use only, however can be mounted outside with a skin purchased separately. Both models have birdhouse skins (links below) but they're not as invisible as the ideas posted on the Wyze forum and subreddit.

I also came across this great post on the Wyze Cam Forum to add an extra layer of protection againdt the elements using a trimmed balloon. Lots of ideas for hiding in plain sight.

Pan & Zoom - $13.99

Wyze Cam V2 Birdhouse Suction Cup Mount $12.99 / 1 or $18.99 / 2

I hope this helps!

My husband found super cheap 24 hour cams with sound and color. The Wyze cam is like 30 bucks, works great and has an outdoor housing for about 15. We use one as a baby monitor and have the other in our driveway.

ETA: it also has infrared for night

If FSIL is interested in having a book to read and work through with his therapist, I can recommend this one for sure. I've used it myself and it was very eye opening and reassuring. I've seen this other one around but haven't read it yet.

It sounds like you've got all your bases covered. Silver lining from your stalker experience I guess... if such a thing could be had.

Stay safe!

How about a helping hand:
[snip snip glue glue]

Here are the books that I think will give you the knowledge of what's going on, and tools to manage it.

• Drama of the Gifted Child by Alice Miller. This was THE BOOK that started to set me free. It's a must read book for people with narc/abusive parents and their partners, in my opinion.
  
• Toxic Parents is a classic about how to see the manipulative patterns from abusive parents and get free of them.
  
• Wolf in Sheep's Clothing by Dr. George Simon. Man has a PhD in manipulation, and breaks down what the manipulators DO and how to shut it down. He's studied this for 20 years and it's AMAZING.
  
  If you read these three books, you'll be so far ahead of the game it's not even funny.

I highly recommend the book The Gift of Fear. https://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Survival-Signals-Violence/dp/0440226198
Like everyone else has said, please trust your gut. You are doing the right thing. Better that your MIL hates you than your kids for not protecting them.

ETA: Sorry, OP - I jumped to conclusions and gave you some bad advice that doesn't apply to your situation. You've gotten some good advice in this thread, good luck with everything! I'm sorry for the misunderstanding on my part.

I'm so sorry you're in this position. I've been stuck between a boyfriend and family before, and it's really rough. I don't think this is the right place to post it, but I don't know which subreddit to point you to.

In my case, my boyfriend also had a lot of pride and assumed every single comment was disrespecting him. You don't give a lot of insight into your husband's behavior aside from in response to your parents, but if you are on the fence any at all if his behavior is questionable, I highly suggest this book: (sorry for formatting, I'm on mobile)

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men https://www.amazon.com/dp/0425191656/ref=cm_sw_r_sms_c_api_TwtLxb4A8QQTJ

Although written to discuss abusive men, I believe it might also shed some insight onto your parents' actions as well if they are the abusive ones. I don't have much experience in that regard, but maybe the r/raisedbynarcissists or r/justnofamily subreddits could help out some?

Just a couple questions to ask yourself about both your parents and your husband: are you truly happy when you are with them one on one? Do you ever feel like you are not "good enough" for any of them? Do you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around any of them a lot? When one of them is angry at you, do they discuss issues without making it a blow out fight?

Good luck with everything. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk.

Glad Squish is here and healthy! You were a rockstar.

So, I know getting around is hard right after a little one, but just in case you feel the need for some physical reinforcement to your boundaries, putting one of these in the bedroom, nursery, or wherever it is you'll go to feed Squish during "grandma's" visit will assure you she won't get the chance to just do whatever the hell she feels entitled to with Your Daughter. If she can't get into the room, she can't run roughshod over you.

The fact that you seem to be willing to allow her around you (collectively) after that performance is far more forgiving and tolerant than I would ever be. I'm already establishing with my OH that, if a child should ever happen and I cannot deliver at home, I'd better be bothered by precisely NO ONE and those who intrude at the hospital will be persona non grata after the fact. I have a well-established history of cutting out rotten people and no qualms about doing it again, but the courage it took-- desperation, really-- isn't easy to learn. But my JNGrandmother and JNMother had me so shut down and panicked that I felt backed into a corner where I had no other choice.

When you feel like you have no choices, you find the courage to do extraordinary things. Your only choice now is to protect your child. I hope that woman knows what kind of bear she could be poking with her foolishness.

Good luck!

Buy the book “Will I Ever Be Good Enough” by Dr. Karyl McBride ( https://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436 ) and give it to your wife. It might help her start to understand how her mother will always treat her.

How long until you move?

Do you have the funds to pick up this?

Wyze Cam 1080p HD Indoor Wireless Smart Home Camera with Night Vision, 2-Way Audio, Works with Alexa https://www.amazon.com/dp/B076H3SRXG/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_cGIVCbZ8K1JA6

It'll do the job. You can keep it pointed at your door at all times and then you don't have to worry about remembering your camera.

If possible, have DH send her a text starting she is not welcome at your house and to not come by again or you will call the police. Save it for proof that she was told. Or if you haven't been talking to her at all, send a cease and desist via your lawyer.

When she comes by again, immediately call the cops.

My mother, too, unfortunately. I got a lot of clarity on the 'emotional addict' idea from the book Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers. It was a really helpful and illuminating book.

This is the Home Security post from the sidebar:

https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/7heoal/no_escape/dqqg4ex/

I have seen this at Target: https://smile.amazon.com/Master-Lock-Security-Adjustable-White/dp/B0002YUX8I/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1542929372&sr=8-3&keywords=master+lock+door+security+bar It goes under your doorknob and jams the door shut. There are other varieties. These things are not as secure as the lock, but may be easier to find. https://smile.amazon.com/gp/slredirect/picassoRedirect.html/ref=pa_sp_atf_office-products_sr_pg1_1?ie=UTF8&adId=A01426263P8S8GL1JKA3Y&url=https%3A%2F%2Fsmile.amazon.com%2Fstopper-Flexible-Non-Toxic-Odorless-Doorstops%2Fdp%2FB078ZZD6C1%2Fref%3Dsr_1_1_sspa%3Fs%3Doffice-products%26ie%3DUTF8%26qid%3D1542929438%26sr%3D1-1-spons%26keywords%3Drubber%2Bdoor%2Bstop%2Bwedge%26psc%3D1&qualifier=1542929438&id=4534190909643049&widgetName=sp_atf

> since calls and texts aren't dangerous and we don't currently fear any escalation, we aren't in any rush to make a decision.

When you get a chance, read the book The Gift of Fear. It's geared for women who are being stalked, but much of it is applicable to anyone dealing with someone who feels entitled to a relationship.

I bought my girls theirs off of Amazon, there are tons of different styles and products. This is the one I bought based on reviews and after talking to a local law enforcement officer in my district. Here is their main website that covers all sorts of safety stuff for law enforcement and private individuals.

They come with an expiration date as well, keep in mind, 4 years.

So proud of you. You’ve got this. Stay diligent. Know this: It’s going to get worse. Make sure your daughter’s doctors and childcare know about your mom. Password protect discussing your daughter. Put it in writing, have them sign it. Research grandparents rights in your state. You are clearly resourceful, but I am assuming you do not have the resources she has.

I will get this ball rolling. Your mom was and is abusive. She is likely a narcissist. I highly recommend r/raisedbynarcissists and r/CPTSD. Your mom is relentless. Your mom follows the prototypical pattern of an emotionally and psychologically abusive narcissistic parent.

2 books I highly recommend:

https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842

https://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436

Those books are printed validation. It is so easy to accept that you were abused if you were physically beaten. If can be so much harder to accept you were abused if you weren’t. It doesn’t matter that she didn’t hit you. I grew up with Parents who fed, clothed, and educated me. They never hit me (from what I can remember). But without a doubt they were psychologically and emotionally abusive, and I didn’t figure that out until I was 38, partly because of the conditioning of the abuse.

These reddit communities are strong, experienced, empathetic, brilliant, and present. They will help you see the patterns and develop tools. They will help you set and enforce boundaries. They will listen and give you incredible advice and support, even though they don’t know you, because, in reality, they do know you. And your mom. And your situation. And the patterns. And the way out.

You’ve done so much. You will have to do more. You are not alone.

I highly recommend reading "When I Say No, I feel Guilty". It's really good to establish boundaries and be politely assertive, and not feel guilted by others' manipulations!

https://www.amazon.com/When-Say-No-Feel-Guilty/dp/0553263900

My psychiatrist recommended this book for my boundary issues with my parents, it’s really good: https://www.amazon.com/dp/0553381407

How about something like this:
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B0002YUX8I/ref=mp_s_a_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1500860576&sr=8-3&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=door+bar&dpPl=1&dpID=212PLCmMf1L&ref=plSrch

It can at least secure the door when you're in the room.

Live Ladybugs

Live Hissing Cockroach. Only 3 left, so act now!

Cow eyeballs in bulk!

Liquid Ass. You can always hope it leaks!

r/raisedbynarcissists is an extremely resourceful subreddit.

ETA: Perhaps this book might help too? It was recently recommended to me by my therapist. https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901

This group has helped me the most. What you have is called "FLEAS" - and it's because your personal operating system has been programmed by your parents. Getting rid of those maladjusted operating instructions starts with doing some research. For me, that started with 'CBT for Dummies' and the workbook that goes with it.

Also, this book really opened my eyes. It was my commute read for a month, and now I understand a lot more things about how I was programmed.

It takes time, but if you think of you family of origin as a cult, and understand your need to deprogram, it helps.

Thank you - I'm gonna go read.

Edit: ah yes, memory refreshed. That self-help book... I mean I've been sexually assaulted too and that book would NOT have been welcome!

If you ever wanted a self help book, this one might be more the thing...

My mind added 'Wolves' to it, sorry, it is actually In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People. It has been a fascinating read.

You could use something like this, its much cheaper and you can put it anywhere you want:

https://www.amazon.com/Wyze-Indoor-Wireless-Camera-Vision/dp/B076H3SRXG/ref=sr_1_1?qid=1554872435&refinements=p_36%3A1253504011&s=photo&sr=1-1

Also good are travel door locks.

https://www.amazon.com/When-Say-No-Feel-Guilty/dp/0553263900

This book may help, along with others in the sidebar

I would also recommend "understanding the borderline mother"

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0765703319/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_oBoXzbWB193AK

What about this or something like it?

I really do sympathize with him. I was in absolute terror of my mother. 30 years later, I honestly don't know why. What could she have done to me that was worse than what she was already doing? I didn't know. But I absolutely froze, I was incapable of standing up to her for a long time. Too long. It drove my husband up the wall (because he was rational and I was not). Thankfully he stuck with me. Look at the symptoms of CPTSD. This book is free if you have Kindle Unlimited, and I've found it very helpful since my CPTSD diagnosis. https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842

There's a fad about putting semen into food, too, because it's ... nutritious? I dunno, but here's a cookbook.

Bring one of these, just for fun.

(I know it won't solve the *real* problem though)

​

https://www.amazon.com/Calslock-Portable-Door-Travel-Lock/dp/B00GMPFCNC

This book may be helpful to you. I wish you well, and I'm sorry for your loss.

Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You https://www.amazon.com/dp/0060928972/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_nPxszb4CMGSPZ

I recommend you give your husband the books “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents”
https://www.amazon.com/dp/1626251703/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_w9yLDbYT1K69C

and Stop Walking on Eggshells

https://www.amazon.com/dp/1572246901/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_w-yLDbM2PS9HF

This book helped me A LOT.

https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0310247454/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1501342010&sr=1-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=Dr.+Henry+Cloud&dpPl=1&dpID=41cX7krXwwL&ref=plSrch

Boundaries by Dr Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

You need a fox lock. I use them when I travel.

https://www.amazon.com/Liquid-Ass-Mister/dp/B000OCEWGW

Here's a link: https://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming-ebook/dp/B000SEH80I

In addition to the cameras, I'd be sorely tempted to install one of these https://www.amazon.com/Orbit-62100-Activated-Sprinkler-Detection/dp/B009F1R0GC

https://www.amazon.com/Rarelock-Stainless-Deadbolts-Installation-Convenient/dp/B01GQ8MCJQ/ref=sr_1_2_sspa?ie=UTF8&qid=1517518378&sr=8-2-spons&keywords=travel+door+security&psc=1


https://www.amazon.com/DoorJammer-Portable-Security-Personal-Protection/dp/B00N95IVSQ/ref=sr_1_7?ie=UTF8&qid=1517518378&sr=8-7&keywords=travel+door+security

https://www.amazon.com/Calslock-Portable-Door-Travel-Lock/dp/B00GMPFCNC/ref=sr_1_10?ie=UTF8&qid=1517518378&sr=8-10&keywords=travel+door+security

https://www.amazon.com/Secure-Portable-Door-Safety-Lock/dp/B001IZ7RU2/ref=sr_1_11?ie=UTF8&qid=1517518378&sr=8-11&keywords=travel+door+security

https://www.amazon.com/Secure-Portable-Door-Safety-Lock/dp/B001IZ7RU2/ref=sr_1_11?ie=UTF8&qid=1517518378&sr=8-11&keywords=travel+door+security

https://www.amazon.com/Buddybar-10311-Door-Jammer/dp/B002BQ4VBU/ref=pd_rhf_se_s_cp_0_6?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=B002BQ4VBU&pd_rd_r=8378NCB79XSENRB6VMKX&pd_rd_w=gCuON&pd_rd_wg=vwWjE&psc=1&refRID=8378NCB79XSENRB6VMKX

You can get a motion activated sprinkler that shoots a very intense stream of water; they are used to scare away deer, but it might be a good lawn tantrum deterrent.

> I feel guilty when I say no

Sound like When I Say No I Feel Guilty would be a good read for you.

You should consider getting pepper spray and a taser for when you aren't at home, first step is to check if they are legal where you are.

If you decide to get pepper spray, this kind is a gel, so you don't have to worry about where the wind is coming from. As for a taser, this one appealed to me because it is designed to make it difficult for it to be taken from you.

After the incident, we installed these. We no longer have stranger cats in the yard.

I recommend this book to you. It will guide you how to establish boundaries. The more time DH spends with your mom maybe the more he will see what a shit person his own mom is. You can even use yourself as an example. Point out how you parent your own kids and how its not how MIL parented him.

I have a husband that also downplays or brushes off shit his mother does. I just mostly put distance between them and made it so we barely see her.Its the only way for him to have clarity.
https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454

• Applications for jobs in Yemen!
  
• Adoption papers for Chinese children
  
• Put her birthday into a calendar on your wall on the wrong day.
  
• Find out what she wants for christmas, leave an open catalogue with the item circled several times and then don't buy it for her.
  
• Nursing home brochures ordered in her name.
  
• Buy this book leave it out and then invite her to dinner.
  
• Or this book and leave it on your bookshelf.
  
• Buy a Koran.
  

So, this site design is just... it's just the worst. And it's become all about selling books, but this particular page might strike a chord with you.

If it does, you might try listening to/reading this.

Sauce: Have a Boomer mother, I needed that book sooner than I found it.

Is it too cold to hook up hoses where you are? Maybe a wildlife sprinkler, motion activated with day and night modes? Then when she gets a stream up her ass you can tell her how there's been aggressive strays hanging around...

Points:

• she kidnapped your child and this "school" allowed it to happen
  
• this "school" was incompetent, complicit, and negligent in allowing someone NOT registered to pick up your child
  
• I found it hilarious once you said that you're going to the board SUDDENLY the principal was no longer "busy"
  
• a R/O is MUST at this point, no more fucking around
  
• a police report MUST be filed, it's time to build some paper trail or add to the paper trail
  
• if you haven't already, LAWYER UP! it's time to bring EVERYONE from the teachers to the principal to the school district to whoever into that court room and drag their asses through the fucking fire
  
• consider relocating completely and radio silence for EVERYONE until your family feels safe (or maybe not even then). pretend you're in the witness relocation program
  
  your MIL is reaching for power and control. you know the stories. you know how these cunts play the game. she's already shown you that she gives ZERO FUCKS ABOUT YOUR CHILD AND MORE ABOUT BEING THE ONE IN POWER AND CONTROL
  
  you haven't yet, read The gift of fear
  
  REMEMBER WE ARE HERE FOR YOU. WE WILL DO WHAT WE CAN FOR YOU. ANGER IS A HELPFUL TOOL. USE IT.
  
  

>Buying a gun is not a spur of the moment decision, not everyone is cut out to be a gun owner.

Thank you! This cannot be understated! You are more likley to be harmed or killed with your own gun. Every time the gun is loaded and drawn it must be understood that there is a potential for you, the person wielding the weapon, to shoot. If you shoot in self defense you must shoot to kill.

It's not a wishy washy subject, it's a go big or go home you need to be 100% in and make a careful decision and commit to the training, and do it well.

It's easy to forget those details and just make an off the cuff remark when it's something you grew up around and just 'knew'. So thanks again, Notmykl for the reminder.

OP would likley be in close quarters and need to carefully determine caliber, etc to ensure no walls are pierced, innocent bystanders struck. Tons of varyables to consider. Doubly so with a pending adoption.

You bring a good point especially considering that OP is from the UK and most likley didn't grow up around firearms as many of us in the USA and other countries did.

In that case Tactical Pepper Spray Gel is a better option. Gel is much safer than spray. I've had several police officers suggest this as an alternative to a firearm.

Invest in the Vulcan. Also I, personally, dual-wield a set of Barricades that have yet to let me down. When they run out of bullets, I just switch to a Marauder, but I don't think you want to do that...

... now that I'm thinking about it, if I start a chapter of the Order, my weapon is going to be Liquid Ass plus Airzooka Air Cannon because I am the family's Chaos Child and this is how I roll.

http://outofthefog.net

Issendai

Drama of the Gifted Child

Why Does He Do That? (not limited to abusive males, btw)

As for taking her in? That should be a dealbreaker. She will absolutely force him to choose between you, overtly or covertly. She will make your life hell. You have to make that choice now; if he can't side with you, walk.

Your mother is a Narcissist.

She's not just "selfish", or a "pain in the ass", or "high maintenance" or "perfectionist"... she has a Personality Disorder. The most key red flag of that personality disorder is that she has zero empathy whatsoever - and it's not something she can learn, or grow, in Narcissistic Personality Disorder, having no empathy is like being born without legs - she wont' regrow them. Not ever.

So let's get you resources for understanding this:

First, of course: /r/raisedbynarcissists If you go by PC, not mobile, they have a wonderful sidebar with TONS of resources to understand Narcissists, to see what kind of manipulation tactics they use to control people and get their way, and how toxic they are.

Out of the FOG

Personal Bill of Rights Print this page out a dozen times and hang copies by your phones, on your fridge, on your bathroom mirror, in your car, in your wallet - and MEMORIZE it. Until you can recite it at stop signs and red lights without looking. THIS IS THE BARE MINIMUM for all healthy adult relationships. Your mother is an emotional abuser. What she has been doing is ABUSE. You survived a childhood of ABUSE. She is not mentally healthy, she is toxic to everyone around her. So memorize that Personal Bill of Rights, and start setting boundaries up to protect yourself from when she violates your rights.

A good book for you AND your father and your brother: Becoming The Narcissist's Nightmare

A good book for you: Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers.

Since you mentioned she's "becoming your JNGrandmother": Children of the AGING Self-Absorbed


But read everything you can on Narcissism. And look for a good therapist, because the only maternal role model you imprinted on is a toxic one - and when you are a mother, a lot of her abuse is going to become much, much clearer in your mind, and it's a lot to process - having a professional to coach you through it, and who can give you the toolbox of skills to deal with her, helps tremendously.