(Part 3) Top products from r/JUSTNOMIL

A quick note- "MIL, it seems you've forgotten that we don't feel comfortable with you dropping by unannounced. Right now DH and I are both incredibly busy and haven't had time to mention it.

I know you meant it to be a sweet gesture but it feels invasive, like I'm not an adult with my own home. I pay rent, and would appreciate it if you only used your landlord's key like a landlord- you know, give us 24 hours notice if you're coming over to take care of something on the property, and otherwise call and ask permission to come and visit like my parents do. You agreed to this before and it is kind of upsetting that you have forgotten what you agreed to.

It feels disrespectful when you don't call ahead like everyone else in our lives. And, like I mentioned, invasive and as if you don't respect us as adults. Neither of us have time for this right now, but I wanted to remind you of our request and your agreement.

Since you seem to have a problem remembering this, I can get a keypad lock for the house. It will increase the value of the home, and when you call or text to come over I can create or unlock a code for you on my cell phone. They are rather nice and I have a friend who swears by them for their rental properties (I'm your friend here, I swear by Schlange keyless locks).

Thanks."

Is there another way out of the house than the front door? Perhaps getting a rubber stopper like this and putting it on the front door will help.

Or you can get something like a really loud door alarm. https://www.amazon.com/Window-Door-Alarm-Kit-Pack/dp/B007RUGANC/ref=sr_1_6?s=electronics&ie=UTF8&qid=1496664917&sr=1-6&keywords=loud+door+alarm

These go off every time it's opened, but you can get one where you or DH have a remote and it turns it off. If she's short, you can put it at the TOP of the door frame so that if she comes in, she can't turn off the shrieking alarm. That's perfectly legal for you to put on your rental units, by the way, it just sticks on.

That way she's up for a loud. unpleasant surprise the next time she drops in uninvited. :D

>How can I start nipping that behavior in the bud with her? Any advice is welcome.

You can't change her. Thankfully, you can change you(ie your response).

To poorly quote another redditer,"Boundaries are something you do FOR yourself, not TO someone else. ". It sounds like you are primed to set some boundaries. I would highly recommend reading the book, but here is some advice based on my experience.

It is good that you are done. That is a great starting point! Sit down and make a list of what you don't like about interactions with your Mom (this can also help later if the fog decends). Then make a list of what you are willing to give her (time, money, energy, social engagement, etc), and what is too much. Decide on these boundaries when you are in a calm and clear headspace.

Next, comes the hard part, enforcing those boundaries. Don't let your self give in, especially when the heat is on. You have set rules for your self and will follow them. Support your own good in following these healthy boundaries that you set. Have compassion for yourself as you struggle with this. Remember that humans can change, but it takes time. You can do this.

OP, in addition to reading this link that /u/motherkos provided, please read these as well:

• My SMIL thinks my daughter is the child she never got to have. Help!
  
• My SMIL thinks my daughter is the child she never got to have. Help! UPDATE PT1
  
• My SMIL thinks my daughter is the child she never got to have. Help! UPDATE PT2
  
  TL;DR version: The SMIL (stepmother-in-law) kept trying to usurp the role of the mother, due to her own unprocessed grief around not being able to have a child. Her attempts to step into the role keep escalating, and when confronted, she had a serious meltdown/possible psychotic break.
  
  I'm NOT suggesting that your MIL has mental issues. But based on your post, I get the sense that:
  
  
• she seems very determined to be viewed as the Mother, rather than the Grandmother, to LO,
  
• she also wants to be the authority on your LO (hence her determination to ignore LO's food allergies--she's probably decided that you and DH are just being trendy or silly, like those gluten-free people, and wants to prove you wrong),
  
• and she wants to assert a certain amount of control over you, in a must-establish-dominance kind of way (hence the clapping).
  
  I don't know what's going on with her. The good folks who post here will have a ton of good advice for you based on their own experiences, and it would be a good idea to give their advice careful consideration.
  
  My own suggestion is that you get yourself a bound notebook that you can write in (something like a composition notebook), and start noting down every single time she does something that troubles you, along with date, time, place, who was present, what she did, how you responded, and her reaction to your response.
  
  Why? Because (a) it will help you see what patterns of behavior are there, (b) it can help you explain very specifically to your DH what you're seeing and why it troubles you, and (c) if--God forbid--her behavior escalates to the point where you feel the need to take legal action, you now have a record of your behavior (that's why you use this sort of notebook, by the way--if someone rips out the pages, it's obvious).
  
  Big hugs to you, OP. I can't imagine how upsetting this all is.

I'm not too surprised she wouldn't think anything of someone taking the car. The car comes and goes, that isn't unusual, and she may have forgotten that it is your car, not the neighbors (not saying the neighbors were the ones that took it, but she may have thought the car was theirs, so it wasn't something she had to worry about). I'm more worried that she might wander out on her own, let someone in the house, or leave the door unlocked. So my suggestions are going to be aimed at keeping her safe.

Door chimes, so she can't sneak out.

Consider the locks:
This does not mean you should change the locks in your loved one’s home so that they can never leave, but instead, have them moved to a higher or lower position on the door. If your loved one has to bend down or stand on their tippy-toes to reach the door lock, they will have a harder time opening doors. This small amount of extra effort gives them enough time to stop and think about why they’re trying to open the door, often giving themselves time to realize they have no reason to leave, and instead deciding to stay inside the safety of the house. Simply put, keeping locks out of eyesight leads to less chance they will wander outside of their home.

Motion sensor lights, both inside and out. Inside, they keep her from getting hurt because she forgot to turn on the lights. Outside, the regular reason for having motion lights.

And become more than passing acquaintances with you neighbors. If they are people you can trust (won't take advantage of her condition), let them know the basics of her condition and invite them over for coffee so she can get to know them. If they know what is going on, they are more likely to check in if they see something unusual, and if she has met them a few times, even if she can't remember who they are, she will be more likely to respond positively if they catch her wandering. Also, neighbors can be great security systems.

Seriously, not a bad mom; you were supposed to be safe, in your own home, you were sleeping. People don't necessarily sense things are wrong and that doesn't make you a bad mother, fuck her with a goddamned soldering iron.

Also, that cop is gr8, holy fuck.

More importantly, if you have a new location you may want to be sure to have some kind of motion sensor that will trip and set off alarms loud enough to wake at least one of you if she sets foot on the property. Have you considered potentially getting a dog trained to at least start barking if someone gets close, if not?

I mean based I'm the fire incident alone I'd be fucking terrified of her doing something whole you slept, again, and a woman willing to burn her grandchildren and their mother alive for calling the cops her pedophilic piece of shit son is not a woman who's gonna think oh no, they have an RO/TO against me I can't get close!! You know? I'd consider getting a weapon, and check state laws. If you're not comfortable with a gun you can get things like pepper spray or a taser, also a security system.

Another way to hopefully at least make breaking in hard in the event she somehow got ahold of a house key is to get a key cover like this, if you're worried. Just an extra layer of security if you need it, made of diecast. https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00BOZBDK6/ref=asc_df_B00BOZBDK65193055/?tag=hyprod-20&creative=394997&creativeASIN=B00BOZBDK6&linkCode=df0&hvadid=198055620944&hvpos=1o1&hvnetw=g&hvrand=17223530890610205033&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9014737&hvtargid=pla-319675819603#productDescription_secondary_view_div_1506742212278

That url cover gore tho. Anyway, yes, I just thought I'd throw these out there, but I'm sure you have covered all of your bases three times by now. But it never hurts to put safety suggestions out there I figure, better safe than sorry. I hope things go smoothly for you and your family, and that you all stay safe.

So ... since her "gift" to you was "her Tribe"... just out of curiosity, how many/what percentage of those people who are HER support system in life have done anything whatsoever for you, DH, and LO since then, outside of attending this Diaper Shower?

Because I'm getting the vibe that the rambling, highly awkward speech made Her Tribe all exchange glances, take some big long gulps of their "fire water", and subtly change her caller ID in their phones to "Don't Answer". Here's the thing OP, that an old broad of 49 sees that maybe a 20-something wouldn't' pick up on - that whole little monologue she did was engineered to EXCLUDE you, entirely. If she had been genuinely welcoming you in to the Tribe she would have talked about YOU in an introduction of sorts. It would have been about honoring you - and she would have started with, "Op is shy, so I'll keep this short" but then she would have praised you, (even if you haven't cured cancer or finished college, she could say how happy you make her son, what a nice person you are, and what a good mom you're going to be and how grateful she is that you are now part of her family). Instead, what she did was absolutely to set in people's heads HOW MUCH SHE NEEDS THEM and COUNTS ON THEM in HER LIFE. (My spidey senses are telling me that before this party she's been running around to the entire "tribe" complaining and howling and whining their ears off, and playing this as the collapse of civilization that you snared her baby boy with your Devil Vagina Magic.) Instead of bringing you into the group, this precisely EXCLUDED you. It honored the past service they have given to her (and reinforced that she expects them to keep it up in the future - because you two are just dumb noobs for getting pregnant and they all know "from experience" how screwed you are). That was the message. She honored herself and thanked her support system. She blamed you to them for whatever leaning on them she'd been doing (I'm guessing a shit ton of Narc supply in the form of sympathy, and bending of ears, has been bestowed on her as a bonus from this whole situation).

So... this is what you do - keep coming here. Polish up that shiny spine. Start reading up on Narcissists, and cover aggression. There was a book In Sheep's Clothing that was GREAT on covert aggression. I read it a few years back, really helped me with my own toxic mother.

I'm thinking her name should be Tribal Tina, maybe?

Okay, I'm a fire sign. I still know how to mind my fucking manners. They're not fire signs. They're rude and out of line.

Since they do not have mental boundaries? Use physical ones. While baby wearing can help? Another great one is the lovely and dead cheap doorstop! And we're talking the cheap kind. Works on all floors and fits neatly into a zip up pouch so you can store one in your diaper bag. If you do not have access to a door that locks? This will wedge a door shut long enough to change a baby or feed a baby in privacy. That means no grabbing the baby. If they try to follow you in? "Sorry, we're teaching the baby that he's allowed to have privacy when he's in vulnerable situations."

Another way to use a physical boundary? Face to face confrontation can be hard. So can causing a fuss. Distance is easier. So, when a reasonable boundary has been crossed? Like, either one of them doing something you have specifically said you do not want done? Would you look at the time? You have to go. If they're over at your house? You've just come down with a splitting "You're giving me a" headache. They have to go. And at the end of this? "Say goodbye to Granny!" exit.

If you are going to start working? The only way you agree to do so is if you and your SO both agree to, and can afford to, put your son in daycare. No, they will not be taking the baby for their own fun. No, they will not be on any pickup forms. No, they are not on pediatrician permissions or anything else. That daycare acts as a physical wall against them. Those professionals will call the police if these two decide to pull anything.

If you like the earrings, or if you find any others you like sometime give these a try? A friend of mine uses and loves them.

>https://www.amazon.com/dp/B000XYWZYW/ref=cm\_sw\_r\_cp\_apa\_i\_IYa4DbKXFEJB9

I NEED these!!

I can't even cut scallions (green onions) without tears streaming down my face. Putting it in the fridge helps a little, but not much. These would be a life saver. Especially since as a half Pakistani half Italian girl who loves cooking, I use a LOT of onions in my cooking.

Best $3.50 you'll ever spend, trust me.

https://www.amazon.com/Shepherd-Hardware-9133-Heavy-Rubber/dp/B00004YOHN

If you go on Amazon.com and search mother in law. The amount of things are funny.

Lie #1

Oh lawdy I dont know if they mean they will take of the MIL or what?

Toxic In-Laws, Strategies for protecting your marriage Lots of good reviews on this book actually!

You need to get some legal paperwork in place that can secure not only your current and future medical care in your partners name, but that also explicitly excludes your mom.

If you do get another dog, service or other, get it microchipped and add in the coding that noone but you or partner are to make medical choices. At least its some attempt of control.

Also, hopefully this gives your a smile. Since everyone needs a chance on the fury road. https://www.amazon.ca/Wilton-710-5521-Silver-Color-Mist/dp/B005KTVG86

Off the top of my head:

The Outlander series by Diana Gabaldon: Outlander

Sarum, by Edward Rutherford: Sarum

Oldest Living Confederate Widow Tells All, by Allen Gurganus: Oldest Living Confederate Widow Tells All

​

Blessings to you!

​

Here's the book:
http://www.amazon.com/Toxic--Laws-Strategies-Protecting-Marriage/dp/0060507853/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1462908809&sr=8-1&keywords=toxic+in-laws

It's Toxic In-Laws by Susan Forward. It was a very helpful book for me. Hopefully it will be useful for both you and your wife.

Edited to add: Another thing that is probably adding to your wife's discomfort is that there is a strange balance of power in a relationship with a MIL. It makes it very awkward as a wife. You are both adults but as the MIL is your spouse's parent, you tend to treat them differently than you would another adult of the same age. And you don't want to start drama, so a lot of times you keep your mouth shut and let the MIL say things that you wouldn't let other people get away with saying to you. Or at least that's how it was for me.

I bought lab goggles for a chemistry class a few years ago, and I kept them for use in the kitchen.

You'll have marks around your eyes for a bit after cooking, but it's well worth it! Here's a link to some.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B000XYWZYW/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_IYa4DbKXFEJB9

For what it's worth there's a way of hiding urls but making it still visible - so you could have your link above like this: security item. The way it works is you put square brackets around the title [security item], then without a space between, put the URL in parentheses (like these).

The code only activates, I believe, if you've got the square brackets and parentheses unseparated.

Also, use a composition notebook like this, where it’s obvious if you’ve ripped out a page, and write in blue or black ink. From what I’ve read this is helpful for legal purposes.

https://www.amazon.com/Wilton-710-5521-Metallic-Color-Silver/dp/B005KTVG86 hope this help

Also something like this or this to keep your deadbolts locked when you're inside.

If your MIL is coming to visit, it probably would wouldn't hurt to have something like this casually laying around.

Edit: on phone, mistakes happen

There is a book called The Body Keeps the Score

It talks distinctly about how sometimes talk therapy can open wounds rather than heal them. Sometimes the body is so caught up in the wounds that the mind isn't ready for traditional therapy. It makes a whole bunch of suggestions on how to deal with trauma in other ways. Perhaps this may give you some of the relief that you desire.

You have every right to be angry. I hope that no-one judges you. And if they do, then they obviously haven't the foggiest notion what you have been through.

Oh let her come over. Just be ready for her. They sell stick on door alarms cheap at Wal-Mart. If you open the door more than a few inches it sets off a piercing siren. See of you can't rig your dresser drawers with them by attaching them inside the front of your drawer. I don't know what kind of dresser you habe but there has to be a way you can anchor the little piece to the dresser itself and the bigger piece to the drawer (or vice versa) so they can be moved away from each other when opened. Put them on the inside of your closet too. Then the second she tries to snoop the entire house will know and you can ask her "whatcha think your doing there in my panty drawer ?"

These are what I am talking about.
https://www.amazon.com/Window-Door-Alarm-Kit-Pack/dp/B007RUGANC/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1523177454&sr=8-4&keywords=Door+alarms

Poor BIL sounds stuck in the FOG, but without more details it's hard to tell. Pass this book along to SIL: Boundaries.

It's a good read for everyone with the possible Narcissist/BPD/nutcase in their lives.

Use this on the cow She'll shut up faster and wonder what hit her.

Look up wedge door alarms. They scream/beep when activated, and they don't require any installation. One for your front door, one for your bedroom.

Just buy a converter set:

https://www.amazon.com/Clip-Earring-Converter-Pair-Turn/dp/B007X5M55I

>I'm not used to dealing with manipulative people

This comment is relevant to your interests

This is the link for the Wolf book though

Do you have one of these?

Here ya go!

Here is something to help - not sure of the legality. You might still need a wedge when you are home, though.

https://www.amazon.com/Prime-Line-4180-Door-Lock-Out-Device/dp/B00BOZBDK6

Actually, I read what you posted in r/legal advice. You got a lot of good advice there. Don't play games with this disturbed person. Get yourselves out of the condo and go NC.

MIL is irrational, and won't react like a normal person. Keep a log of all of her bizarre behavior - you may need it someday for a restraining order.

try getting one of these funky bois in addition to the other suggestions above, like a chain lock and etc. it's a door wedge that sounds an alarm when pushed on! my mom used one in her first apartment and swears by them.

I am normally a lurker here because my "JustNos" are actually my mom's JNparents and have passed away. I'm posting as an adult child of someone who survived abuse, to share a bit of longer term perspective. My JNGF physically and verbally (not sexually I don't think) abused my mom. My JNGM (who was abused by her father, my GGF) did nothing to stop it and was generally an enabler/conflict avoider/rug sweeper. My mom refused to even consider the possibility of having children for a long time because she was afraid that she would subject them to the same abuse that she experienced.

After a lot of therapy, she and my dad decided to have kids (my brother and I). My mom was not perfect. I may have residual issues from her (anxiety which is more of a family trait than just from her). However, she was nothing like her parents. In fact, I've had one of the best/calmest childhoods of almost anyone I know. I have told her this many times, and she still worries that she somehow scarred me irreparably (spoilers: she didn't).

Recently (at around the age of 60), my mom has gone back to therapy to continue to deal with the trauma she suffered. I think it is helping, and I hope some day she will be able to see that she did a great job and to remember that I am lucky to be her child. Until then I will just gently remind her she is great whenever she worries that she is responsible for all the bad parts of me and I am responsible for all the good parts of me.

People are (almost) never all one thing or another. The times you are angry do not invalidate the times you are patient. Obviously we would all love to be all amazeballs all the time. Unfortunately, life doesn't work like that, so we try our best and go to therapy when we need help. Remember that you developed these instincts (of judgement, of going NC) to deal with situations that put you and those you love in danger. It is completely unrealistic to expect yourself to immediately divest of these instincts the minute you don't need them. That, like everything else in this world, takes time

A Happy Postscript: My mom's JNparents did actually reform into Mostly yes grandparents. I'm not sure what changed (I suspect it was that all of their children grew up refused to tolerate their crazy). But regardless all of my cousins and I were able to have good relationships with my maternal grandparents. Now this is not to say that this is the usual outcome, and you are ABSOLUTELY justified in being skeptical of real change. I just wanted to say that people change as they get older, sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse. There may be a time when you are able completely let go of your survival strategies. However, until then, you don't need to feel guilty for having them.

Book Recommendation Post Script: The Body Keeps the Score. I think this was posted on a book list somewhere, but I cannot recommend it enough times to people who experienced any kind of trauma in their lives.

While not as exciting, OP could install one of these in her cabinet in case MIL is every back in her house (or really just because they're cheap and should deter anyone).

Nope. Well not in the US atleast. Not paying rent doesn’t mean you aren’t tenants. You ARE tenants and DO have rights.

Also (really hoping someone comes along with the correct link) but if you have a dead bolt on your front door there is something called the angel lock, I think. It doesn’t allow someone to unlock the dead bolt. I just order one since I’m a security freak. Might be something to look into.

Edit: hope I’m doing this right. Here’s the link

https://www.amazon.com/Door-Angel-Anti-Bumping-Deadbolt-Security/dp/B00BC0ODGO?crid=39X2EGSAVHGZ3&keywords=angel+lock+door&qid=1537289592&sprefix=angel+lock&sr=8-2&ref=mp_s_a_1_2

Also, /u/iamjacksleakyfaucet has a great link to the other thing I order. I might be going overboard.

Yes, they're stops on an L-shaped bracket which allows them to slide around a corner. You install them on the upper window at whatever height you want. When the stops are on the front face of the window, it prevents the lower window from sliding past it. When you turn the stops to the inner side, they no longer block the window.

​

Here's an example: Window Stopper

​

Wow, that's a ridiculously long URl. Anyway, we installed them in all our first floor windows years ago, when we first moved in. Technically we should have them on some of the second floor windows as well, since there are porches.

Whenever she complains, send her links to child-safe cabinet latches, cleaning supplies (mops or floor cleaners) or pet baby gates.

• Applications for jobs in Yemen!
  
• Adoption papers for Chinese children
  
• Put her birthday into a calendar on your wall on the wrong day.
  
• Find out what she wants for christmas, leave an open catalogue with the item circled several times and then don't buy it for her.
  
• Nursing home brochures ordered in her name.
  
• Buy this book leave it out and then invite her to dinner.
  
• Or this book and leave it on your bookshelf.
  
• Buy a Koran.
  

This. Or to keep her at arms length, this.

From a review of the second item: GIVES JUST ENOUGH SHOCK TO LET THEM KNOW THEY ARE DOING SOMETHING WRONG ....

If you really want some indepth historical fiction, look at Edward Rutherfurd. His books are a fantastic read if you like thick books with a lot of detail. https://www.amazon.com/Sarum-Novel-England-Edward-Rutherfurd/dp/0449000729

All of the ones I'm thinking of are named after the area he's writing about. So he's got Sarum, which is around the English city that becomes Salisbury, London, New York, The Forest (another area of England, the New Forest area), a couple set in Ireland, one in France and one in Russia.

It's been a while, but while they tell the stories of different families I do not think there are any explicit sex scenes. I don't remember any sex scenes whatsoever. More like, "they spent a night together" level of explanation.

I also hate crappy sex scenes that are especially crappy when written by men. I don't know why they are so much worse than women in general. This article might explain why. https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/the-womens-blog-with-jane-martinson/2011/nov/25/male-writers-bad-writing-sex

Note: women can write some truly awful sex scenes. It's just been my experience that you get a whole lot more of them from male authors.