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From what you've said above, you went with your instincts, and your instincts were right. You may not have had the language to articulate what was happening, but you could feel something was and you could acted on it when it made you uncomfortable. That is a life-saving reaction.


In case you've never heard of it, let me recommend a book called "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker. He is a security expert, and he travels to schools and colleges now talking especially to girls. He explains when and why to trust your instinct and how to keep yourself safe from predators. It's really eye-opening stuff, and much of it is very simple, we just need to hear it explained to recognise a lot of situations we've all been in.


This is a link to the book on Amazon, and it has a "Look Inside" option.
And this is a link to his website.


I recommend this to all women, especially young women, it can literally save lives. Frankly I'd be more comfortable getting this kind of information from a woman, but this is a very rare man, and I trust his advice a lot. If you get something from it, talk to your friends about it, we need to spread this kind of education widely.


Good luck. And bless that 13-y-o girl still inside you—she kept you safe, even when she didn't fully understand what was happening. That's praise-worthy.

It’s probably recommended here all the time, but there’s a wonderful book called The Gift of Fear which teaches the importance of trusting your gut instinct in these situations. You and OP did that well, and it probably saved you.

The neighborhood watch is a really good idea. If ur able to talk with the people that live directly by you, next door, across the hall, and let them know what has happened, possibly exchange numbers so you have people right by you to call if u get spooked. Maybe some can even step outside their apartment when you get home from work and wait till you get inside.

Also there are many different products like this doorjam hopefully I did the link correctly 1st time I’ve done one but that might help you feel little more secure. This is just an example I haven’t researched them so don’t know which ones are most effective.

Weird situation. I would think if people wanted to break in or do something else they wouldn’t draw so much attention to themselves beforehand but who knows. Glad your husband got some time off to stay with you. Sorry u have to deal with this idiot. I hope it stops and things get better for you guys, be safe.

Thats why its useful to lock your door from the inside. You can use addition locks like this or just a chair wedged under the handle.

www.amazon.com/Rishon-Enterprises-Addalock-1-Piece/dp/B00186URTY/


It takes about 30 seconds to pick the lock on even high end dead bolt locks. Consumer grade door security is garbage.

Here is someone using two bobby pins in less than a minute.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BnS6leHfB2c

You can make bump keys, electric lock picks, manual picks, etc, etc. The locks on your door mean nothing to someone who understands how basic they are.

If you suspect someone is entering your house like this you can set traps to detect them. Place some small pieces of dust or "trash" like paper in windowsills where if someone came in and out they would disrupt it. Remember or write down the exact positions of these items. Similarly, when you leave your house reach inside the door and place a small piece of trash right behind the door so if its opened the trash will be blown or otherwise moved from the position you remember placing it in. Carefully open the door and check your trap when getting home. They might see the trap but it doesn't matter, they already triggered it and you will know no matter what that someone was there.

>I keep a metal baseball bat by my bed now and I will use it.

Make sure you know how to swing it well. If I saw someone with a bat it wouldn't really make me hesitate and in fact would just make me think they were focusing too much on the bat as a useful weapon when its really not, especially inside a house where you'll almost always not have room to generate power.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7JSMEOv4dXQ

I would suggest a Ruger .380 LCP loaded with high quality ammo kept in a fingerprint locked safe. Total cost is under $500.

http://www.amazon.com/BARSKA-Opening-Biometric-Fingerprint-Safe/dp/B004FO37AC/

http://www.budsgunshop.com/catalog/product_info.php/products_id/54585

Make sure you bolt the safe down so your children don't get any ideas later on in life. Also, make sure you teach them gun safety before they're teenagers. The four rules. Treat all guns as if loaded. Never point a gun at something you wouldn't accept being destroyed. Know your target and what is beyond it. Finger off the trigger/out of the trigger gurd at all times until you want to shoot.

Creepster indeed... the T seems to be getting worse of late.

I'm not sure this is the subreddit for such things but I have to recommend carrying one of these with you in future. Tucks right into your purse or carry-all.

As I'm sure you know Massachusetts is rather restrictive regarding self defense implements of any variety so you will need to get yourself a FID... $100 and a few pieces of paperwork is all it takes.

Chances are you'll never need it but should you get in a pinch with any inappropriate person without assistance around such a tool can buy you the time you need to get back to decent people who can help.

Wow! This is infuriating. I am already paranoid and I haven't even had a bad apartment experience yet (fingers crossed!).

There are these locks on Amazon that are an addition to the regular locks, something like this:

https://www.amazon.com/Rishon-Enterprises-Inc-RE1001-Scratched/dp/B00186URTY/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1510271344&sr=8-4&keywords=locks+apartment

My landlords also use something like this on the backdoor:

https://www.amazon.com/Master-Lock-265DCCSEN-Dual-Function-Security/dp/B0002YUX8I/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1510271454&sr=8-2&keywords=locks+apartment

Stay safe everyone!

You would probably enjoy The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker.

It contains a bunch of creepy, /r/LetsNotMeet-style stories about stalkers and murderers and such, written by a security expert who explains why your gut is such a good warning system and how you can use it better to keep yourself safe.

A fun and disturbing read.

There were so many red flags in this situation that she missed. This was a wake up call and a valuable lesson for her; thank goodness she is okay.

I have a book to recommend that she read. I asked my kids (adults now) to read it when they were younger, and frankly, I can recommend it highly to anyone and everyone. It's called "The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals that Protect Us From Violence" by Gavin De Becker. The book teaches you how to identify even subtle signs of danger, and how to trust your gut instincts.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0440508835

You can get a more heavy duty safety bar thing. We have something like this one. It seems pretty snug when adjusted correctly.

Everyone involved needs to go no-contact with this beast. Every time you communicate with him you are fueling his fire by giving him the attention that he desires.

A lot of people here recommend the book The Gift of Fear. I just read it. Good stuff.

Did u tell landlord and demand locks to be changed? Add some manual locks. Like 5 in a row. Or buy this door barricade.

Or, consider putting a security camera outside your door.. This one is good too. And pretty inexpensive!

You can even get window alarm which may deter the thief. Or you can install something like this.

Safety first. Buy yourself a taser and bear mace. Keep a small pot full of sand, you can grab a handful and throw it in their eyes. Keep a baseball bat handy.

I have a flashlight that is extremely bright and will strobe to blind an intruder. It’s called Outlight tactical flashlight.

I’m trying to think of what else you can do.... plant something thorny under your windows if possible....

If you have a way of adding a screen door outside, get one or replace your current one with something storm and burglar resistant.

Pay no attention to them. Too often we don't we don't listen to our gut when it comes to situations like this. I recommend reading The Gift of Fear. Stay sexy, don't get murdered.

You need to get a door security bar. Even if they manage to get the door unlocked that's not going to let them get the door open without a hell of a lot of noise and effort. Most importantly though it buys you a lot more time. I live in a really nice part of town, but I always have that on my door after 5PM. You could also get 2 so if they make it in you can use it on an interior door to buy more time until police arrive. You should be able to find them at Walmart for cheap as well.

Since he was taken in for possible child porn charges, I think you are pretty well off assuming you are out of his interest range.


By what you described, I think he does not remember you and has no actual interest in you, but situational awareness is something that I think should be an effing basic school requirement.


I got that book just to further my education as a security agent, but after reading it, people make more sense.
http://www.amazon.com/What-Every-BODY-Saying-Speed-Reading/dp/0061438294

I'd highly advise borrowing one, at least until you can get a handgun. I don't know about your local gun laws or financials, but based on how tricky it can be to get ahold of a pistol, I'd also suggest you look into getting pepper spray. A friend of mine is 5' 3", somewhere around 115 pounds, and very young-looking despite being old enough to concealed carry. However, she lives in a college dorm at the moment, so she's resorted to carrying a Kimber Pepperblaster II in wake of her usual handgun. It's two-shot, direct, and even has a small handle and sights for better accuracy. If that doesn't seem like your cup of tea, though, I'm sure someone at your local gun store can tell you a lot more about alternative self-defense options than I can.

Just a note for anyone who might be able to use it: You can get a locking (exterior) doorknob from home depot for under $20, and all you need to install it is a screwdriver. It takes less than five minutes even if you aren't mechanically inclined. We had a nightmare 3-story townhouse with like fifty potential entrances so I replaced every doorknob in the place to make it harder to get in from the garage or main-floor sliding door. It was really fast. Also hd (or Lowe's) will rekey them for you if they're compatible with your other locks, so you can choose which keys to use with which locks.

Also there are more temporary things on Amazon like travel/hotel locks and door bars, if you don't want to risk getting in trouble w landlord. https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0002YUX8I/ They are just less robust, I think, and take more vigilance.

You need to notify your building manager so they can reissue your (and possibly everyone else's) key card. And insist that he install a deadbolt on your door. You can also buy an actual security bar that will brace your door from inside, so it can't even be opened. Much safer than the stool. Here's what I'm talking about: https://www.amazon.com/Master-Lock-265DCCSEN-Dual-Function-Security/dp/B0002YUX8I

Edit: missed the part that you called the building manager. Good! But seriously, insist on a deadbolt.

Better overreacting and safe than underreacting and hurt, right? There is this amazing, essential book called The Gift of Fear that would tell you that you did the exact right thing.

I’m a fan of some sort of doorstop too. They even make products like this that you can even take when you travel!

This comment may get lost because there’s so many, but I hope you see it. After reading your account I think you really should read this https://www.amazon.com/dp/0440226198/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_t1_9zXbBbWFZN0PH . I learned enough from it that I believe it saved my life once. Do not ever ignore that bad feeling in your gut, and do not ever think you have to be polite.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B0002YUX8I/

These are what I was talking about. No installation needed and they're supposed to be pretty good.

>I still find myself resisting the urge to stack furniture in front of the doors

Instead of stacking furniture, just get a SECURITY BAR. Much easier, a good security precaution no matter who you are and nobody thinks you are crazy for using one. Plus its a lot less heavy than hauling furniture around.

To save you Googling for it

change the locks if you can, get a security system if you can. get a door jam, too. like this: https://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/B0002YUX8I/ref=ox_sc_sfl_title_15?ie=UTF8&psc=1&smid=ATVPDKIKX0DER

I had a double dead bolt, and it made me happy. if you known maintenance is coming (they have to give you warning in the US in most states I believe) you can leave the deadbolt off, but otherwise, if you can't move, take precautions to protect yourself. something strange is for sure happening and there's no way to know who it is or what they want.

you could always copy paste stories to her if all else fails. Also, you might send her the book The Gift of Fear or Protecting the Gift, Keeping Children and Teenagers Safe

Follow this advice, OP. I also suggest you read Gavin de Becker's The Gift of Fear.

https://www.amazon.com/Ring-Wi-Fi-Enabled-Doorbell-Nickel/dp/B00N2ZDXW2 Ring Doorbell, i pay a couple bucks a month to have all videos saved.

It's possible he doesn't realize his behavior is inappropriate because of either some sort of mental disorder or a weird childhood, and it's also possible he realizes what a creeper he is being, but it doesn't matter. Educating him isn't your job. Your job is to keep yourself safe. If that means ignoring him, cool, if that means contacting the police, cool, if that means explaining to him how inappropriate he was and establishing clear boundaries, cool. It's up to you. Trust your judgement.

I dealt with a lot of guys like this over the years, and my default mode was to try not to make a fuss, and that got me stalked and sexually assaulted. My mode now is to establish clear, firm boundaries from the beginning. As soon as someone does something that isn't cool, I point it out. "You're not allowed to grab my ass. If you do it again, I'm telling a bouncer and not talking to you anymore." or "I want you to stop contacting me. I'm not interested in dating or being friends with you. If you try to come by or break in again I'm calling the police."

Unfortunately, being firm and putting up boundaries can incite violence and make the situation temporarily worse. Remember, you have a right to live harassment free, and you have done nothing wrong. He is being inappropriate. Check out The Gift of Fear.

Have you read ‘The Gift of Fear’? You definitely should. Basically: your instincts are picking up on something that our societal politeness is telling you to ignore. You’re probably dead on that there’s something off here.

Edit: here’s the Amazon link to make it easy -
https://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Survival-Signals-Violence/dp/0440226198[The Gift of Fear, on Amazon](https://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Survival-Signals-Violence/dp/0440226198)

I've already said to another redditor about getting a door stop alarm: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B0000YNR4M
They're a pretty cool invention that will at the very least alert you to an intruder, and most are able to stop the door from opening any further so it stops anyone getting in. It won't be as ideal seen as you have roommates but I guess you could agree that whoever is in last puts it at the door before going to bed? It's a step up from a lock, but not as costly or deadly as a gun?

Shoot, now I feel dumb. There was a fantasy/sci-fi book I read a long while back where people had special powers. The powers were tied to their names, and sharing their true/full name with anyone else also shared their power with that person. So the man character's name was very long, but he was known as Rap by everyone since he didn't want to share his true (very long name). I actually though you might be referencing this with the "Powerword: Real Name" comment.

Google-fu: I found it. What a strange book.
http://www.amazon.com/Magic-Casement-Man-His-Word/dp/034536628X

I might have to go read that again.

Careful with those internet stalkers. They're crazy stuff.

i'd also get a dashboard camera

and probably your own house camera. or just your mom staying home 1 day to catch/video the person from across the field after enticing them to video yall

see the guide on the sidebar.

oh, and maybe one of these (see comments for hacks also)

http://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Gavin-Becker-ebook/dp/B0036Z9U2A/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1394171367&sr=8-1&keywords=the+gift+of+fear

I found the book http://www.amazon.com/The-Passerby-Thomas-Ray-Crowel/dp/0966991761/ref=cm_cr_pr_product_top

> I don't know about a restraining order. They've been known to make situations worse

yeah I read that oft times a restraining order sometimes will set off a violent reaction in a stalker. there's a good book about how to deal with those types of people it was called "The Gift of Fear".

https://www.amazon.com/Other-Survival-Signals-Protect-Violence/dp/0440508835

Yikes! Consider getting yourself one of these for your apartment door -- that way, even if he somehow gets a key for it, he still can't get in while you're home.

If you're able to you can install a floor brace for the door.

Door Stopper

Door Baracade

That's emotional blackmail girlfriend.

Read that link, and then read everything else on that site.

You were not leading him on. He was leading you on. He was leading you on with lies about cutting, with declarations you were his only friend, with manipulation, wheedling, whining, putting himself first before you, and all his other blackmailing antics.

Does he need help? Absolutely. Are you a trained adult mental health professional? Fuck no. Does he know that? Of course he did.

Like you said, he was a lying, manipulative, using jerk. He can be that and still be in need of mental health services. One of these things does not make the other any less true.

Good on you for blocking, getting out, telling friends, and telling your story here.

Needy, manipulative, users will use good people against themselves. That is not the good person's fault.

Get on Amazon, order this book, and read it cover to cover. As a good person and a girl, it can save your life. Even if your future is with other girls. It has saved mine.

Now that you have this experience, you have a set of warning signs and red flags to look for in the future. And you will not tolerate emotional blackmail ever again.

Lots of good advice here.
Don't ignore your instincts, we have them for a reason.

You have every right to feel like you're in danger, everything about what you describe is strange and part of a pattern.

Go to the police, if no other reason than to add legitimacy to any complaints you make in the future.

Tell your ex to sack up.

Buy a security bar for any entrance to your home: https://www.amazon.com/Master-Lock-265DCCSEN-Dual-Function-Security/dp/B0002YUX8I

You ought to read a book called The Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker. It talks about trusting your gut I'm situations like the one you were in at the park. I think it should be required reading in high school, actually, because we (all of us, but women especially) have made being political correct more important than personal safety.

It's something your mom ought to read, too. She shouldn't be dismissive of your encounter. For all either of you know, those men could have been human traffickers. They could have been hairdressers, too, but it is way better to get the fuck out of Dodge than to ignore your instincts and end up in a bad place.

I read the actual book by an actual victim about Ariel Castro and I am just... absolutely disgusted that someone would try to "cash in" on this by making a spooky story about them and him. The story is already scary enough as it is without non-victims taking it and claiming it as their own.

Thanks for sharing this! Much appreciated.

I'm sure you're already familiar, but if not, there's a fantastic book on this animal: Monster by Steve Jackson.

I read a lot of true crime and this story stuck with me. It covers his relationship with Deb in depth.

I have not read the book but I've seen both films and I know the scene you are talking about. Wrong or not the "vampire" is described as female in the descriptions of US version, the original film, and the english printing of the book. I understand your point, but the official marketing material for every available english version of this tale presents the "Eli"/"Abby" character as female in the public facing description.

see the following:

http://www.amazon.com/Let-Me-Kodi-Smit-McPhee/dp/B004LRZ2YC/ref=sr_1_1?s=movies-tv&ie=UTF8&qid=1416675493&sr=1-1&keywords=let+me+in


http://www.amazon.com/Let-Right-One-English-Subtitled/dp/B001V7YJMG/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1416675341&sr=8-2&keywords=let+the+right+one+in

http://www.amazon.com/Let-Right-John-Ajvide-Lindqvist/dp/0312355297/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1416675341&sr=8-1&keywords=let+the+right+one+in

The Ring Doorbell is a video system that lets you see and communicate with people at your door (even if you're not home). It is activated by motion censor, so you would know even if he comes around while you are out of the house.


P.S. Has anything new happened in the weeks since you originally posted this?

being afraid of your reactions and 'making a scene' gets people killed, as they end up being afraid to run away or shout for help.

The biggest lesson that the parents rarely teach is - trust your gut. If something seems wrong, then 99.9% it is. It's amazing that you listened to your instinct that day.

check out this book!