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Are we the same person?! Thank you SO SO MUCH for sharing this! Words can't even express how much I relate to and appreciate this post.

A few things I've been loving during this (alarmingly similar) crucial, formative time:

1. Podcasts! [ Dan Savage's Savage Lovecast] (https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/savage-lovecast/id201376301?mt=2) has been a game-changer; his down-to-earth, uncompromising commitment to true love and compatibility has given me a whole new perspective on the scarcity models that kept me in shitty entanglements for wayyyy too long. Non-relationship related ones (when you just need to take your mind off the guilt/regrets/invasive thoughts) are Star Talk with everyone's favorite Neil D. Tyson, The Read (if you're into hilarious & sassy commentary on life, pop culture, etc.) and NPR TED Radio Hour.
   
   
2. Books (and audiobooks)! Self-help types are awesome (This and This are specific to Flea management) and anything by Brene Brown, Pema Chodron, or Eckhart Tolle. BUT best of all: awesome novels with self-determined leading ladies! Just finished Daughter of Fortune by Isabel Allende which was fantastic.
   
   
3. Intentional Self Care: Mindfulness meditation, Yoga, journaling, deep conditioning hair/skin treatments, pedicures, book clubs, working out, cooking/baking, watching documentaries, eating ice cream, ...whatever your thing is, at any given moment, DO IT. Take allllll that love and kindness and give it to yourself. Try new things you've always wanted to but didn't have time/energy/money for because of your relationships. Make that bucket list your bitch, and if you ever feel guilty/foolish, remember that (in the words of Siddharta Gautama: "You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection").
   
   
4. Re-connecting with old friends or people you've drifted away from during the relationship(s). If you're like me, you've never felt drawn to deepening those relationships or investing in them as you would with a dude. Now is the time to change that. Now is the time to create entirely new paradigms about who your support system is, and what relationships help inform/define your reality/sense of self. Letting yourself be really seen by good girlfriends who accept you, love you, and hold space for you is the anti-N.
   
   
5. Develop a very clear checklist of warning signs that you can refer to when you're ready to date again. This does mean taking an honest look into your past and identifying triggers or key moments where you recognized that you were being co-dependent/abused/neglected (for me it's that moment when my adrenaline flickers up and something just feels a little...off/thrilling/romantic/scary, depending on the circumstances). Make this internal forensic investigation a form of self-care and healing, and schedule something fun for right afterwards (ex: sitting and thinking/journaling for 15 minutes and then watching a comedy on Netflix right after). The fact is you will most likely be drawn to N's your entire life, so be prepared! Know your triggers, know what to look for, tell your girlfriends, and get enthusiastic about giving anyone who shows those signs the boot. Not "willing" not "able", but enthusiastic, because every time you shut that shit down, you're defying the odds and giving a big "F U" to the N who made you vulnerable to similar bullshit.
   
   
6. Get a very clear image of what you DO want in a partner. Meditate on it, get very clear on your priorities, and KNOW that you don't have to settle for anything less. This doesn't mean yearning for a man. It means manifesting the love you deserve and prepping yourself for the (rather alarming) experience of letting yourself be loved by someone amazing, whenever the universe is ready to provide him. Don't put a time frame on it. Just believe in it as an inevitability.
   
   Whew! That's it for now, but I shall return. Again, thank you so much for opening up this topic. :)
   
   
   
   

I'm not sure how recovered I am, but here's what's happened so far!

• Before learning about narcissism (from age 18 till 2.5-ish years ago): depression, anxiety/panic attacks, suicidal ideation, procrastination/workaholism (two sides of the same coin), total codependent & people pleaser, hated my life situations but thought it was me being stupid and turned it inwards.
  
• (2.5-ish yrs ago) Went to therapy for the depression. Learned about how mean I was to myself in my head. Read this book, and began to learn how to talk to myself kindly. Learned that it was okay to like/want things just because, and that me having needs doesn't have to hurt others. This was mostly in very superficial ways, like pursuing the desire to learn how to knit.
  
• Moved, went to another therapist who, after a month, gave me tons of book suggestions to read on narcissism. My world was CHANGED. (Many of these books have been referenced on RBN... is there a list somewhere?) Read read read read about narcissism. Started to pull back from communication with parents. (Had talked more than once a week at that point.) Felt uncomfortable but I was realizing how I felt when I talked to them.
  
• On a visit with Nparents, got up the courage to act differently and notice what happened. They threw tantrums. Within 2 months I was NC with both of them. I was terrified. Kept going to therapy, kept reading, then switched to group therapy that's focused on dealing with interpersonal conflict within the group and overcoming your conditioning.
  
• 7-8 months after NC, admitted to myself that my career wasn't a good fit for me, started researching what would fit me best, looked into going back to school. A huge burst in my vitality and joy. Stopped worrying about my parents, despite the NC. In the meantime, kept working on changing my communication style, saying what I need, not worrying so much about what others think and controlling for their approval - I was practicing this with my husband and with my friends.
  
• As of January 2015: started school, and my world opened up being amongst my peers again (adults in a 10-year span around my age, mostly). I am seeing how wonderful many people are. I'm paying attention to discerning what I like and don't like about others, and am trying my best to not worry if others like me, and am worrying more about being authentic to what I value, because I now know that by doing that, those who are well-matched for me will self-select. This has all caused me to peel back the onion again, and now I'm realizing how incompatible my husband and I are, and how much I chose to be with him because I was desperate for love, and needed someone to love me. I'm thinking about this a lot, and also continuing to pursue what feels good in other areas of life, so that I keep listening to myself.
  
  I'm not sure if you're asking for advice, but here are the things I think are most important in recovery:
  
  
• find some way to put what you learn into action. Think of concrete ways to test out new ways of relating at work, or with your friends. Join a support group that encourages self-reflection and personal responsibility (not the kind where you take responsibility for MORE than your share, but for your own behavior). It will feel super scary and risky, but the reward for the risk for me has been bountiful.
  
• pay very close attention to your own feelings when interacting with others. Think more about your own discernment than about what others think of you. Trust that you'll love yourself and you'll be loved even if you aren't perfect.
  
  And yes, I need to take my own advice, and yes, I need to say those things to myself every day. :-P
  
  I hope that helps! I'm not sure if there's a post with all the great RBN book suggestions, but if there isn't, just tell me and I'll try to comment here with some that have helped me.
  
  (edit: formatting)

Hi CaseyD123,

I'm sorry to that you are struggling right now. It looks like you've had a lot of good advice in the other comments, but I wanted you to know that you aren't alone.

I am also raising a very intense 3-year-old with only the help of my husband. We moved away from our home state 5 years ago to start a life away from my toxic family and we have no help here. I am a SAHM but I also work from home and run the house. My husband helps as much as he can, but IT IS HARD! Our child is very challenging and it's difficult when there is no break, it's either him or me. We also don't have a normal support system and I often fantasize about living in the type of familial community where everyone is watching everyone's kids, then at least you can have a minute to yourself. Unfortunately, that is not the reality.

I also have Complex PTSD which, I think, is what you might mean about being "haunted by terrible memories." Those are called flashbacks. If you aren't familiar with Complex PTSD, I highly recommend reading Pete Walker's book or checking out his comprehensive website. Understanding and getting treatment for the PTSD has helped a lot with that helpless/struggling feeling.

You are also doing a great job by asking for support!!! Please feel free to PM me if you'd like. I'd be very happy to talk with you some more. What you are doing is so hard, but try to remember that you are very capable and that you can make good decisions. And we are here for you.

Hugs if you'd like them!

Lurk Pinterest (moderately)

Clean as per UFYH's guidelines: http://unfuckyourhabitat.tumblr.com/

For more advanced cleaning: http://www.amazon.com/Boyfriend-Barfed-Handbag-Things-Martha/dp/0142196932 <-- this author posts stuff on Jezebel / Deadspin every now and then, so you can read some tips for free

Watch Hoarders & do the opposite of what the subjects on the show do (my folks are hoarders & this show helps me recognize that and how to not fall into the same patterns)

We lost a lot of storage space moving into a new place so my boyfriend & I had to buy some new goodies for storage and we're still working out the kinks. Everything we bought came from Ikea, basically, but if Ikea stuff is too pricey you can probably get knock-offs for the most common organizational furniture (specifically the Expedit/Kallax unit. That is particularly useful, and some diverse storage boxes will fit inside. I am particularly fond of the Rubbermaid Bento boxes. http://www.rubbermaid.com/Category/Pages/SubCategoryLanding.aspx?SubCatId=Bento&CatName=Storage Target sells a couple of knock-off Expedit/Kallax imitators that work just as good although I think they fit smaller sub-containers.)

I keep a lot of small knick-knacks in the expedit units; we have some drawers for them that organize smaller goodies. I get like, little decorative boxes for the coins & our glasses wipes & keys.

Boyfriend found that installing shelves was actually not too hard to do. I didn't expect that!

This can all get very expensive though.

Measure your storage space though - I'd really like to upgrade my clothes storage but I can't right now because I can't seem to find that perfect fit.

I can highly recommend the book "Rethinking Narcissism" by Craig Malkin. There are some excellent recommendations in there for identifying Ns along a spectrum of N behavior, and how to deal with those that aren't full blown psychopaths. The ones that aren't too far gone do have the ability to empathize! But you have to be the grown-up and gently shepherd them in that direction.

https://www.amazon.com/Rethinking-Narcissism-Bad-Surprising-Good-About/dp/0062348108

Maybe it will be possible for you to return to work with this Nboss (using coping strategies from the book) while you are still looking for other work.

Whatever your decision, good luck to you, and internet hugs if acceptable. :)

Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach (Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With the Heart of a Buddha) get the audio book - I’ve found this great for people who are afflicted by anxiety. I have the audiobook and then loved it so much I got the paperback version as well. She’s just great in general and there’s a section on dealing with a parent with NPD.
Op, you are worthy, you are loved and you matter.

I highly highly highly recommend this book. If you can afford it get it from Amazon or go to the authors website message boards. This book is what finally helped me understand narcissism in a relationship.

That’s great that you blocked her on Facebook. Block her everywhere and go no contact. That’s the only way I got over my narcissistic ex. Now I’m in a relationship that’s 1 million times better. Better is out there but you have to cut your emotional ties with her!

I picture it like this. If you have tendrils of energy reaching out toward her, it’s going to prevent you from meeting somebody great.

I made a calendar and crossed off for every day I did not contact him. It was really really hard for about eight days and then it got easier. I gave myself a reward every five days I went NC.

We’ve been broken up 2.5 years and I STILL sometimes feel a strong urge to stalk his social media and see what’s going on with his new wife because I really want them to have problems! Which is so selfish because she’s a kind woman and she deserves better. But I distract myself by coming on Reddit or doing something else!


Psychopath Free (Expanded Edition): Recovering from Emotionally Abusive Relationships With Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Other Toxic People https://www.amazon.com/dp/0425279995/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_tJB3AbK2355YY

Lots and lots of therapy. I've been in therapy for awhile now and have turned out pretty Okay. It was a lot of hard work to stop those narc actions in their tracks and try to reform what I was doing or saying in a non-narc way, and begin to think like the gentle person I know I can be.

I too, have some pretty awful behaviors. I discovered that my parents were pretty racist and while I thought I wasn't, I had some pretty awful thoughts about certain groups. So I've tried to subscribe to a few subreddits to change my ideas. I won't give any examples because I don't feel like getting roasted in my inbox.

I've mostly stopped being entitled. This has come more with learning to budget and being able to buy stuff for myself. That way nobody owes me anything, I just get it for myself. My husband and I have even eliminated our system of chores so that there are no points or "I did more than you did" or "you owe me these dishes". We just picked chores and only do those.

I think the bitterness is less Narc and more C-PTSD. I could be entirely off base there though! I've found the more aware I am of the situation the less I do it. I still have my bad moments.

I would read Pete Walker's book on C-PTSD if you haven't already. Not everybody who experiences abuse will develop C-PTSD, but some do. Also I've found /r/CPTSD to be particularly helpful.

Most of all, though, I wish you luck. The journey to not being a narc is full of self-doubt and struggle. But the mere fact that you recognize these behaviors as bad usually means that you're on the right path. True narcs will find nothing wrong with anything you listed. I know for myself it has been a struggle of paying attention to certain things that seem "off" and trying to be more self-observant. But I'm way better today than I was a year and a half ago when I left my family. Which was already much better than say, when I graduated high school. And good lord, if I can escape the clutches of narcissism, I think anybody can.

Ooh, this is the post I've been waiting for! I've found bibliotherapy to be very helpful in my healing.

For understanding abuse: Understanding the Borderline Mother

This NPD website

For healing yourself: Will I Ever Be Good Enough?

Adult Children of Abusive Parents





And, what you were really asking for: Full Catastrophe Living

Complex PTSD



You wrote:
>Still, I can't maintain a positive or calm feeling state for more than a few minutes, I feel constant anxiety, I am easily provoked, I get easily upset or angry, and I stay upset for hours or days to come, despite all the work I've put in.

This sounds familiar. What I've learned is that it's hard to build new neural pathways when you're stuck in the old feelings of panic. Re-wiring the brain means practicing being in a state of calmness, and the more time you spend there, the easier it will be to get back. So anything that makes you feel calm, even momentarily, is something you should practice. It's ok if you can only feel it for a short time!

My therapist used to tell me, "Get yourself calm, by ANY MEANS NECESSARY!" I think he was suggesting I get high. ;-) What worked for me was to a little meditation, yoga, and spiritual practice, and a lot of locking myself in my house alone with all the blinds drawn. It was the only way I could feel safe for a long time. I wonder if all the activities you've been doing are, paradoxically, stressing you out more? Maybe giving yourself permission to do less would help?

Hope my super long post is helpful! Good luck, OP.

Much of my knowledge about this is from reading good stuff on the subject. Relationship principles books and such. As I've done what I can to identify specific instances of each book's content in people I know, I've been able to build a better understanding of how people "tick."

Here are some examples of good ones, likely you've heard of one or two:

http://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/0671027034


http://www.amazon.com/The-Laws-Power-Robert-Greene/dp/0140280197/

http://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0609805797

http://www.amazon.com/The-Habits-Highly-Effective-People/dp/1451639619/

I've also read a whole bunch of Christian-authored material on the subject (both high and low quality) but I think some of the language/theological content gets in the way if it doesn't match a person's life-philosophy going into the book. I can share those if you're interested though. =)

Hugs, I do that all the time. Healthy parenting is supposed to instill a jiminy cricket-like inner voice in the child, full of positivity and reassurance to help them thrive as adults. Unfortunately Nparents do pretty much the opposite, creating a toxic inner monologue of criticism and negativity. The key to fixing it is to identify the negative self talk and work on replacing it with the positivity and reassurance over time. There's a book, From Surviving to Thriving and a website both by Pete Walker that really helped me work on the negative self talk that may be of benefit to you.

Positive Parenting: An Essential Guide (The Positive Parent Series) https://www.amazon.com/dp/0143109227/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_MnDmDbY5NG61G

Have you ever looked into cognitive behavioral therapy? It helps change the tone of your negative inner narrative but it does take some work on your part. I'm not 100% better, but it helps.

Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy https://www.amazon.com/dp/0380810336/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awd_oAdAwbYB9BHWR

http://www.loveisrespect.org/healthy-relationships/setting-boundaries/

Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud

There is a whole series by Dr. Cloud about boundaries in all aspects of your life, as well as how to identify healthy and abusive people. His books have a definite religious tone to them, but they are valid resources nonetheless.

Hope this helps.

Barbara Colorosa’s Kids are Worth it.
https://www.amazon.ca/Kids-Are-Worth-Responsible-Compassionate/dp/0143175432

This book gives you a theoretical framework for raising kids and practical examples you can use in day to day life. It’s more applicable to children over two. It’s an easy read, very accessible.

http://www.amazon.com/The-Grape-Escape-Board-Game/dp/B000U3L1EG

Hope you guys get it!!

This happens to me too. --hugs-- all the time. Have you read the book 'Will I Ever Be Good Enough?'

https://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436

The Emotional Incest book

Adult Children of Alcoholics (surprisingly relevant regardless of alcoholism)

https://www.amazon.com/Breaking-Cycle-Abuse-Beyond-Abuse-Free/dp/0471740594

https://www.amazon.com/Reinventing-Your-Life-Breakthrough-Negative/dp/0452272041

http://www.amazon.com/gp/offer-listing/B000U3L1EG/ref=dp_olp_collectible?ie=UTF8&condition=collectible

Hmm that's a pity. What about a travel lock or door jammer?

https://www.amazon.com/Addalock-Portable-Travel-AirBNB-Lockdown/dp/B00186URTY/ref=pd_bxgy_201_img_2/131-7125635-5147059?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=B00186URTY&pd_rd_r=7d062530-a7fd-11e9-a041-afcf3c2cca71&pd_rd_w=7ZBar&pd_rd_wg=Rvl7J&pf_rd_p=a2006322-0bc0-4db9-a08e-d168c18ce6f0&pf_rd_r=X8P5Q4NEJ7EBS5W7V6EA&psc=1&refRID=X8P5Q4NEJ7EBS5W7V6EA

​

https://www.amazon.com/Streetwise-Door-Jammer-Portable-Security/dp/B01KDB2L2K

Shameless plug for you guys to check this book out. My counselor recommended it to me. It's so simple and forward and has totally simplified my life.

I'm NC with my nMom.....and I'm allll out of fucks to give for anyone who wants to give me their 2 cents on the issue.

So there are lots of good posts already here, but I just want to say that you are living in this world as a traumatized person. This is the book that can help you understand why you feel like you're stuck in the same patterns over and over again, that you're lonely and empty inside - it's trauma working within you.

Because of what trauma does to the brain and to our nervous system in general, it makes it very hard to just dust ourselves off from our traumatic past and move on. That trauma gave you a blueprint for all your other relationships - how you assert boundaries, how much you value yourself, how you form new relationships and break off old ones. All of that is influenced by your traumatic past.

But here's the good news. You can get help. A lot of the best trauma therapies are body based (see the book I linked to) but talk therapy is good too. You can't control other people's behavior, but you can control your responses to their behavior and the feelings they "trigger" within you. This is how you start to heal, by having a box of tools to work with when things get hard. Is my life awesome? Nope. But do I have 10 things I can think of at any given time to help me work on my problems? Absolutely.