(Part 2) Top products from r/LongDistance

My girlfriend (of eight months) is at Basic right now. Then she has advanced training. Then she has airborne training. Meanwhile I'm graduating from college and moving across the country. We're dedicated to each other though. We see life as an adventure and while it may be difficult for a time we'll get through it together as partners.

Your college classes will keep you busy. Finding a Summer job (or taking classes) will keep you busy. Spending time with friends will keep you busy. Just make sure you talk with him about how much time he expects from you. It's not healthy to wait around all day for each other. It's also not healthy to feel ignored. Communication is vital in all relationships but especially so in long distance ones because many of the nonverbal cues are missing.

One of the biggest hurdles will be the time zone difference. While he's in Korea he'll be between 13 and 16 hours ahead of you (assuming you aren't in Alaska or Hawaii). You can still do things to feel close to one another. Reading the same books or watching the same TV shows are things you can work through and talk about without necessarily doing them at the same time of day. If you want to talk on the phone or Skype or whatever it'll be early morning for one of you and late at night for the other.

I'll also recommend a book: The 5 Love Languages Military Edition. It was highly recommended to me despite being unmarried, nonreligious, and relatively new to the military SO life. The gist of it is that people feel love most strongly in one of five ways. By learning the specific way that your SO feels love you can really improve/strengthen a relationship (because what makes YOU feel loved doesn't necessarily make HIM feel loved). The military edition has a lot of testimony from military couples and gives tips for dealing with deployments and whatnot.

/r/usmilitarySO has been really helpful and supportive and informative (just all around great really) so feel free to introduce yourself over there as well :)

Hey there! Boyfriend and I have an 8-hour time difference so I totally sympathize.

There's a game we like to play that I've mentioned on here in the past. It's not the same thing necessarily as spending time together, but you have to get creative in LDRs and having lively discussion is how I feel close to my boyfriend.

We take it in turns to ask each other three questions each day. The first question is something you could ask anyone. The second question is more personal. The third question is highly personal; for us it usually relates to sex (gotta keep that spark, lol).

So for example, when it's his turn to ask, he'll send me his questions and I'll answer them, and then he'll answer them, too. The next day, I'll come up with questions that he'll answer, and then I'll answer them. It's fun coming up with questions, it's fun to answer them, and it's fun and sometimes surprising to hear each other's answers.

Some example questions:

1: What's the first thing you'd buy if you won a ton of money?

2: What's the most pseudoscientific thing you genuinely believe is real?

3: What's something that many people see as sexy, that you're turned off by?

If you or anyone else decides to try it out, I hope you have fun with it! If you have trouble thinking of questions you could probably try doing a search for conversation starters or ice-breaking questions. There are also a lot of great question books out there; my favorite is The Complete Book of Questions because it offers a range of depth.

This might sound harsh, but he is probably a little too comfortable and lazy. Or maybe he is just taking the whole situation for granted. "Oh I don't have to talk, since she will do the talking". Sorry honey, it goes both ways.

But! There's always a solution for everything. Have you both sent care packages recently? Maybe add this (found this on amazon) http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/098199461X?pc_redir=1397674301&robot_redir=1

It's a card game for ice breaking at a party and stuff. Send him one and you can both play! It may sound very basic, but there's no harm starting from the beginning. It's always interesting what new things you find out about each other.

(I recently found out my SO likes white chocolate and not dark. I've been with him for 5 years already! I felt really silly when I sent him 1kg of dark chocolate Tim Tams and he texted me saying "I heard they do white chocolate too".)

Try to start dating each other again. Let the sparks fly a little. Keep the communication channels open. I'm glad he took up the idea to call you! Encourage him. Sometimes if my SO forgets to call, I'll text him "I'm ready for your call, anytime now!"

Good luck!

I'm born and raised Los Angeles/Orange County, so it's a little weird at times. I hope you don't mind I kinda skimmed your comments really quick, but I see you're from Oakland. I feel that it would probably be a way bigger adjustment for you than me as far as the pace of life is concerned, southern CA is pretty relaxed in a lot of areas. And I've visited San Francisco/Oakland quite a few times as I have a lot of friends up there, and can see how you're feeling underwhelmed with it.

I remember a few days ago my SO and I went out and, like, went to Toys R Us, the comic book store, and a few other places and I said, "What now?" because I was having a nice day out with him, and he was like, "There's nothing else, really."

The lack of options of things to do is obviously a little foreign to me, so I noticed we're getting into some different hobbies together to enjoy our time at home like building Legos and watching TV series together and filling out this book and this book I brought. I probably spend more time inside here than I did while I was back in Orange County. I'm doing okay right now and I honestly think it can go either way over time - either I start working and get out more and feel more functioning and I'll make friends (maybe), or I actually will just end up being bored, I don't know yet. It's hard to tell!

I'm doing a mixture of the letters and packages for mine. I just got a box of cards to write quick notes in, and each one is going to have a corresponding package with it.

Like open when need a hug has A jar of hershey's hugs.

The whole things is super corny.

I'm also sending him a list of 1000 pick up lines, (because I like to text him randomly with cheesy awful pick up lines. (:

Honestly it sounds like the "great sex" has caused a roller coaster of hormones and emotions that have thrown you both apart, subconsciously. Check out this book. Therefore even if it has unintended consequences that end this relationship, it doesn't have to mess up the rest.

25/M

He loves to cook so I was thinking about getting him themed recipe books. Since almost everyday he says he doesn't know what to make I was initially going to send him this cookbook. After searching I realized that some of the recipes require ingredients you wouldn't see on a day to day basis (and him not having the right ingredients to cook with is something complains about lol). So in the end I'll be sending him this cookbook instead since he loves bobs burgers and the recipes look reasonable :)

The way you describe it as losing your other half... You should read Plato's Symposium. Specifically the translation done by Alexander Nehamas. As that is the one I have read. There is a lot of great insight on love and its different forms.
http://www.amazon.com/Plato-Symposium/dp/0872200760

I'm a meat lover, and I've been presented with this book. I think I'm cooking from it tomorrow - every recipe looks really tasty!

Here's just a start.

I've seen this book, and I think I'm going to try it out. I've noticed that some of our phone conversations have silence snags. Want me to tell you how it is? :)

For those interested

https://www.amazon.com/CHOROY-Deployment-Military-Keychain-Relationship/dp/B07HDZCQGC/ref=mp_s_a_1_60?keywords=long+distance+relationships+gifts&qid=1563762260&s=gateway&sprefix=long+distance&sr=8-60

>hoping that one day he’s going to change

(from 10 Reason You Have to Stop Trying to Change Someone, copied here for accessibility)

Trying to change someone is deadly to an intimate relationship. It dawned on me recently that even though I don’t think of myself as a controlling person, my fix-it attitude about changing my partners has been problematic throughout my life. Dr. Lisa Firestone writes, “The focus needs to shift away from how to “fix” the other person and toward a broader view of how to repair the relationship.”

10 reasons why you have to stop trying to change someone:

1. Your partner is not going to change. In other words, you can’t change a cat into a dog. Love just isn’t enough to change a person’s basic nature and upbringing. If you fall in love with someone who is reserved and you are more outgoing and need outward signs of affection to feel secure, you’ll feel chronically dissatisfied. Most likely, these differences will probably eat away at loving feelings over time and erode positive feelings in your relationship.
   
2. Rather than trying to “fix’ your partner, focus on improving your own life. Many people stay in dysfunctional relationships with the unconscious desire to change their partner. According to codependency and relationship expert, Ross Rosenberg, this pattern is common and couples often stay in highly dysfunctional relationships to their own detriment. Rosenberg notes, “The inherently dysfunctional “codependency dance” requires two opposite but distinctly balanced partners: the pleaser/fixer (codependent) and the taker/controller (narcissist).”
   
3. Focusing on changing your partner can prevent you from focusing on the issues at hand. Ask yourself: what am I trying to accomplish? Avoid name-calling and don’t attack your partner personally. Remember anger is usually a symptom of underlying hurt, fear, and frustration so keep things in perspective. Avoid defensiveness and showing contempt for your partner (rolling your eyes, ridicule, name-calling, sarcasm, etc.).
   
4. When you change your perspective the way you look at things will change. This doesn’t mean you should tolerate any kind of abuse or disrespect. It means that your expectations impact the way you feel about your partner and his/her action. In general, you will be as happy or disappointed with your romantic relationship depending on how well your perceptions of what is happening match your expectations.
   
5. It can prevent you and your partner from communicating honestly about key issues in your relationship. Be sure to be forthcoming about your concerns and express your thoughts, feelings, and wishes in a respectful way. Stop the “blame game” and examine your part in disputes or conflict.
   
6. Focusing on changing someone allows wounds to fester. Challenge your beliefs and self-defeating thoughts about your partner’s behavior when you find it to be negative. Listen to your partner’s side of the story. Are there times when you feel mistrustful or hurt even when he/she presents evidence to the contrary about your grievance?
   
7. Trying to change your partner interferes with your ability to practice forgiveness. Forgiveness isn’t the same as condoning the hurt done to you but it will allow you to move on. Try to remember you are on the same team. Accept that people do the best they can and try to be more understanding. This doesn’t mean that you accept your partner’s hurtful actions. You simply come to a more realistic view and give them less power over you. If your relationship is basically healthy, develop a mindset of acceptance and forgiveness about daily disappointments. After all, none of us is perfect. Don’t let it impact you greatly and you try to let go of small annoyances.
   
8. Take responsibility for your part in the conflict or dispute and you will promote good will. One person’s ability to do this can change the dynamic of the relationship. Julie and John Gottman write: “one person’s response will literally change the brain waves of the other person.”  Apologize to your partner when appropriate. This will validate their feelings and promote forgiveness and allow you both to move on.
   
9. Trying to change your partner can lead to the end of your relationship. In Dr. Gottman’s acclaimed book, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail he posits that criticizing your partner is one of the main causes of divorce. It is different from offering a critique or voicing a complaint. The latter two are about specific issues, whereas the former is an attack on the person. Consequently, you are cutting to the core of their character when you criticize. For instance, a complaint is: “I was worried when you were late. We agreed that you’d call when you were running late.” Versus a criticism: “You never think about me, you’re so selfish!”
   
10. Focusing on changing your partner doesn’t allow you to be vulnerable. While self-sufficiency and autonomy can help you weather the storms of life, it can also rob you of true intimacy. For a relationship to be balanced, partners must be able to depend on one another and feel that they are needed and appreciated for the support they give. Trying to change your partner can prevent you from influencing each other and achieving true intimacy.
    
    Fortunately, even if you’re in a relationship that’s heading in a bad direction, there are strategies that can set you and your partner on the right path again. Taking responsibility for your part in negative patterns of relating to your partner is the hallmark of a successful marriage.