Top products from r/Marriage

It's tough to offer any kind of advice for your situation because you talk in a lot of generalities.

However, my wife and I have struggled quite a bit over the last few years and it sucks. I feel like things are getting better, but there are always mis-steps even on the up-swing.

If your wive really has checked out, there's not much you can do. It takes two to make a couple.

However. You can work on yourself. In so doing, you might find that it helps your relationship. Or it might not. But even if your relationship falls apart, you will be in a much better space to cope with that and move on -- as difficult as it seems right now.

So, here's my suggestions ... things that I have been doing and reading over the last couple of years that have really helped me.

1. Stop looking at all the things she is doing wrong. Focus on what she is doing right. This is tough and requires a huge shift in thinking and an even bigger thinking around letting go of your ego.
   
   
2. Every day do something to show some appreciation for someone in your life. One person every day. Say thank you and tell them what they mean to you. This will help you focus on more positive things overall. Include your wife in this, though she doesn't need to be the focus of this every day.
   
   
3. Be honest with yourself and her. Can you give her what she wants. There are some things that I just can't give my wife. And some things she can't give me. How important are these things? And are there other ways to get them?
   
   
4. Adopt a meditation practice. Download the Headspace app. It has a nice introduction to meditation. It has helped me immensely.
   https://www.headspace.com/
   
   
5. If you don't exercise, start. Personally, I enjoy weight lifting. Try Strong Lifts if you can. It's a simple program that will show fast results.
   http://stronglifts.com/
   
   
6. If you don't eat healthy, start. There are so many diets out there. Even if you just start eating smaller portions and cut out snacking, you'll see some positive results. That's where I started. I eventually started doing the Alt Shift Diet. Yeah, you can call it a fad diet or whatever. I don't care. It works for me and that's the key -- find a diet that works for you.
   http://altshiftdiet.com/
   
   
7. Read How to talk so your kids will listen and listen so your kids will talk. Great advice that applies even when you are talking to adults.
   https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1474568476&sr=1-1&keywords=how+to+talk+so+kids+will+listen+%26+listen+so+kids+will+talk
   
   
8. Read People Skills. This is a great book on active listening and conflict resolution. Helpful in so many situations.
   https://www.amazon.com/People-Skills-Yourself-Resolve-Conflicts/dp/067162248X
   
   
9. Read this post and some of the posts that follow it. Incredibly insightful
   https://np.reddit.com/r/sexover30/comments/538uat/mismatched_couples/d7r5hys
   
   
10. Read Never Split the Difference. Another great book that is geared more toward business negotiation, but has been a great help in my personal life. I can take the time to understand someone else's perspective without letting go of mine. Also great to help assert myself better in my relationship. His description of active listening was also helpful.
    https://www.amazon.com/Never-Split-Difference-Negotiating-Depended/dp/0062407805/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1474568493&sr=1-1&keywords=chris+voss
    
    
11. Read Come as You Are. A great book on women's sexuality specifically, but it's really about sexuality in general. It's backed by a lot of research. Has a lot of insight into human sexuality. Great reading. Helped me understand myself and my wife better. (Goes beyond the typical High Libido and Low Libido stuff that I always found less than helpful.)
    http://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1436544375&sr=8-1&keywords=come+as+you+are
    
    
12. Do stuff on your own. Go out with friends. Go to the movies by yourself. Make sure both of you get breathing room away from each other.
    
    
13. Be honest. If you feel something tell her. You don't have to be mean. But do be honest. "You are making me angry right now, can we talk about it later when I have calmed down." "Your tone sounds rude and condescending. Please talk to me like I am an adult or we can wait and talk later." This one is tough and statements should be made from your perspective rather than made as statements of fact.
    
    Anyway, those are my suggestions and have helped me immensely. Take what you think will work for you. Ignore the rest.
    
    Best of luck!
    

I am also a newlywed and this seems extremely odd.

If she is willing to read books about relationships then I have a couple for you.
http://www.amazon.com/For-Couples-Only-Eyeopening-Insights/dp/1601422482 This set of books "For Couples Only" is also known as a 2 book set "For Men Only" and "For Women Only"

These books have a lot of great information but they mostly explain how men and women view romance differently. For men love and respect are directly tied. However for women love and respect are different.

Another great book is http://www.amazon.com/Sex-Begins-Kitchen-Creating-Intimacy/dp/0800731174/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1408654197&sr=1-1&keywords=sex+starts+in+the+kitchen

This book at a glance looks like a steamy sex book but it isn't exactly what you think. This books basically talks about for men and women both a sexual relationship is more then just actually having sex. It talks about how all your actions will effect your sex life.

There is a famous saying "Women need to feel loved to make love and men need to make love to feel loved" I don't think she may understand that you are not feeling loved.

The true secret to a great relationship is this. Love isn't necessarily always about lifting the person up but its about not tearing a person down. Her actions are tearing you down.

If you want more advice feel free to PM me.

>My wife and I have been married for 16 years.This April my wife told me she wasn't sexually attracted to me anymore and all intimacy has stopped. I didn't know how to take this as I am in good shape, better than when we met. I have my hair still, I haven't lost my sense of humor, I still work hard make good money and take care of our kids. I don't drink, smoke, gamble, cheat, blow money, or abuse of any kind. I have tried making life really special for her for the last six months with lots of dates, trips, gifts, compliments, surprises, back scratches(all normal activities for us but i increased the frequency)...etc you name it. None of this seems to be working to help restore her attraction.

None of that creates any sexual desire or attraction, it only provides comfort.

Look, you are doing EVERYTHING the world tells you to do and none of it is working. You are the picture perfect husband, the world says they are attractive and their wives want them but here we are. She dosent and it's getting worse. She wants you even less.

>Here is what I want to know. Has anyone else gone through this and come out with a better marriage, either with therapy or without? I especially want to hear from the wives

This is a problem. You don't ask fish how to catch a fish. You want the wives to answer? How about you ask a man who has turned something like this around.

>reading this so I can better understand. And the second part is, what can I do?

stop trying. You come across as needy and sexually thirsty. It's very unattractive.

>I am in love with this woman and have been since the first day I met her

And yet she cares so little for you a task that takes less than 30 min, is important to You, and feels good is out of the question.

>and although she tells me she loves me too, this cannot continue like this

That's because she dosent love you. Love is when a person's interest and desires match their partners. If she loved you and desired you she would be fucking your brains out. Her desire is to stay married because she wants to maintain her lifestyle

>Any advice or experience please! I can answer any questions as well.

Yes read this book. You might hate some of the stuff in it. It will explain why your wife lost her desire and attraction to you and how it's your fault. The good news is you fucked yourself that means you can unfuck yourself.

https://www.amazon.ca/Married-Man-Life-Primer-2011/dp/1460981731

Linked this like 5 times today. This is a very common problem. I have been on both sides of a deadbedroom.

>Telling him to be romantic just ruins the purpose..
>it has to be spontaneous and natural and he has to use his initiative.

I understand why you think that way, and wouldn't it be nice for him to spontaneously do everything you like. However this is a factually incorrect response to human psychology.

Here's why: all of our brains process and respond to stimuli differently. Honest truth. There will be some things in life that are incredibly obvious to you, and yet he won't be aware of them at all. And vice-versa, and THAT can be one of the most powerful things in a marriage where each complements the other. You sense what he does not, he senses what you do not.

So the little romantic things you're dreaming of? I'm sorry, but his brain didn't serve them up as a response he should do. But that doesn't mean it's a fatal problem, it only means that this is something to tackle in your relationship. He's not a mind reader either, so yes, you literally need to tell him the things you like, while carefully listening to the things he likes. Not in a nagging way, but in a "we're better together" way.

To help you, there is a popular book titled The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Gary Chapman that points out which of the 5 each of us want. You appear to desire 'words of affirmation' while he might desire 'physical touch'. So here's some homework for both of you to get started: there is a free 5 Love Languages Online Quiz or else a paper Downloadable PDF that both of you can do to learn what each of you craves. With that knowledge, he and you can begin to work to fulfill those needs for each other.

But yes, you really do need to tell him. If you're in this for the long haul, over time he'll get much better at it, eventually knowing you better than you know you.

Ha! Did you miss my comment about we're both strong willed? ;)

Yes, we still argue. But our arguments are less frequent, and the disagreements are less sharp (most of the time). We've gotten better at recognizing when we're about to have a breakdown, and we both have an attitude of serving each other and seeking compromise.

When we make an inevitable mistake and have another blow-up, we come back to each other much sooner than we used to, with both willing to apologize and start over.

You have to adjust your expectations somewhat. Is it going to be possible to have a harmonious, conflict free, romance filled house? Realistically, no. People are always different--even compatible people. You're inevitably going to see things from different perspectives. Some things are going to be more important to you than him, and vice versa. So instead of seeking the solution to arguing and finding the secret to conflict-free marriage (Let me know when you find it, there should be a Leprechaun riding a unicorn next to it) adjust your expectations. Seek ways to improve your communication, and find ways the two of you can agree to work on compromising with each other. And understand you're both going to make a lot of mistakes along the way, so be prepared to give each other lots and lots (and lots) of grace.

When you do that, you'll find that there are lots of places you'll find middle ground. And there will be lots more places where you just leave it alone, because you've learned that the issue just isn't important enough for you to pick the battle in the first place.

Check out a couple of books, they will give you some great places to start looking at communication:

Love and Respect Probably my favorite book on marriage, and I can honestly say it is the book that was the turning point in our marriage and our communication. If it hadn't been for this book, I don't know that our marriage would have survived those conflict cycles we were in.

The 5 Love Languages This is a really good book for helping you learn to understand how your husband processes things. He will also learn your way. The key to communication starts with knowing the best way to talk to your mate.

One of the biggest things that has helped me in my relationship with my wife has been trying to step back and understand her perspective on issues. When we both see each other's point of view, it is much easier to respect feelings and find a way to compromise.

Dude, your wife just had a baby...it's going to be hard for her to adjust (physically and emotionally) to that. Life will be different, but you can still have a good sex life. Make sure you communicate your feelings to her and tell her it's important to you to have a good sex life because it helps you connect...not just for pleasure.

If she's resistant to that communication then I would suggest some couples therapy. You can also check out the books "[For Men Only] (https://www.amazon.com/Men-Only-Straightforward-Guide-Inner/dp/B0035G04Q6)"
for you, and "For Women Only" for her.

It's a view of men's and women's perspective on life, love and sex. It helped me better understand how most women view sex and how that's different from myself. My SO also found that she understood my needs better and our sex life has improved tremendously.

Just wanted to reiterate some of what CritFailingLife said. As a woman, I've also noticed that the less I have sex, the less I feel interested, and sometimes my boyfriend and I have to sort of "restart" my sex drive. We both know that, though, so it's not too contentious to talk about it or to sort of "go through the motions" to get back into it. I didn't realize other women (or people in general) have this issue until I read this thread, but I'm not surprised.

I don't think anyone should feel like they are obligated to have sex, but at the same time I think sex is an important part of a relationship, and it's not right to go on forever (or for a long, long time) without having sex and expect your partner to just suck it up. I absolutely agree with what everyone else here has said--you should not go looking for it somewhere else because that can be the death knell of your relationship.

However I also really agree with what others have said about how you should wait until a neutral time and talk it over with your wife. Communication is everything. It helps my boyfriend and I understand each other and take care of each other, so it's good in itself. As a bonus, I also feel most likely to want to have sex when I feel my boyfriend and I really understand each other, so that's just another reason to talk things through.

Ask her why she thinks she's not very interested in sex. Ask her what role she thinks sex does or should play in any relationship, and in your relationship specifically, especially over the long term. Ask her if there's anything new she'd like to try in bed, anything she'd like you to do differently. She may be shy or reserved about some of these questions (I have no idea--it varies from person to person) but at least it can get her thinking about it.

Finally, awhile back my boyfriend and I read these books (one for men, one for women) together. They are Christian-based, and we are not Christians, but we still found them very interesting. You're supposed to read them separately from each other (hence the titles) but we actually read both together, taking turns reading to each other while we did other things around the house, and it sparked so many great conversations.

We didn't agree with every single thing in the books but they had a lot of good points, and there were some chapters on sex, and how men and women sometimes approach it differently. I thought it was very helpful--I felt like I understood my boyfriend better after reading it. I'm not saying that every man and woman fits the pictures painted in these books, but I expect many do, so maybe that would help too.

Your not asking to much at all. If what you wrote was true you are a high value male.

Guess what! Good news for you! In 2018 with dating apps like tinder and bumble, pussy is worthless, it's everywhere for free.

You know what has value? You know what ALL woman are after? The commitment of a high value male like yourself. A commitment from you is the Stanley Cup of womanhood.

You have all the power and all the value here, you just can't see it yet.

Men are the gatekeepers of commitment, woman are the gatekeepers of sex. Sex is worthless now.

You should read this book, it will explain everything about your wife. It will change your life.

https://www.amazon.ca/Rational-Male-Rollo-Tomassi/dp/1492777862

The person who needs the other the least in the relationship has all the power.

Your so close, look your doing everything the world is telling you to do. You treat her like a queen, yet your life sounds like it's getting worse the more you try and accommodate her. The matrix is glitched already.

Good luck man.

If the book helps you, play it forward like me.

You don't sound like a spoiled brat. You want him to put thought and effort into speaking your love language. To him, gifts are just stuff. To you, they're an expression of love, intention, and care. You want him to care about the thought behind gift giving instead of "here ya go if I remember" and moving on. Talk to him about gifts being your love language. Think about picking up a copy of The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts. A lot of people recommend it and it seems to really help with that kind of communication.

Have you guys tried marriage counseling? When my husband and I have communication problems we go see a counselor even though there isn't necessarily a huge problem because a third party perspective really helps. AND we stop the problem from getting bigger.

There are times when my eyes have been opened to what my husband needs from me, a vice versa.

My husband and I don't have a bunch in common, either, but we really love each other for who the other person is, differences and all. I personally would be bored to death if I was married to a male version of myself.

If you are going to keep trying than maybe instead of just doing the day to day "being present" do something more. Trying to work things out doesn't just mean staying in the relationship...

It might mean going to the library and checking out some marriage books, it might mean talking to a counselor, it might mean hanging out with married couples whose marriage you admire and asking them what they do to keep their relationship fresh.

I really like the analogy of marriage being like a plant; if you don't water it, it dies. What are some ways you can water your marriage?

I personally have found these books to be helpful:

http://www.amazon.com/Sacred-Sex-Spiritual-Celebration-Marriage/dp/1578564611

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1591451876/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1463151033&sr=8-1&pi=SY200_QL40&keywords=love+and+respect&dpPl=1&dpID=41DFeUoMm1L&ref=plSrch

http://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X

Good luck!

Edit: you mentioned her not having many friends, and her forcing you to not have them. Maybe that needs to be revisited. People shouldn't be isolated. We all need friends, so maybe set up one day a week for you to go out, and one day a week for her to go out.

She may not take you up on that offer to go out with friends, but I will say scheduling in the hobbies and friend time every month keeps my husband and I so much happier than the times we forget and don't do it.

> I've tried to be more spontaneous and do nice things and be the best husband ever, but I feel like what I don't do is payed more attention to than what I actually do.

You might try reading The 5 Love Languages.

tl;dr: people express and perceive love differently. You've got to show love in a way your wife values in order for it to be appreciated.

I wish I had read this book and implemented it proactively as it should be instead of reactively how it's almost always done. This should be required reading for all men In a ltr or marriage.

https://www.amazon.ca/Married-Man-Life-Primer-2011-ebook/dp/B004W0IRQ8

You have to maintain your spouse's attraction to you. Your wifes attraction to you is an organic thing, it can become injured, broken or even dead.

And ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. That book was written for men only but athol Kay has had so many woman flock to his blog he had to shut his forum down. He wrote an updated version that's more accessible to both genders. I recommend the fist book but I'll drop this one here for other guys if they want more information.

https://www.amazon.ca/Mindful-Attraction-Plan-Practical-Creating-ebook/dp/B00DINECUU

First habit of a highly effective person:

BE PROACTIVE!

Don't allow your wife to lose her attraction for you.

Also, drop the idea of dysney love. Admiration and respect, that's the Stanley Cup of marriage. Also, unsolicited blowjobs.

And if what /u/uncommon_sense_123 says is true, you need to fix your head before getting married because getting mareid won't fix your head.

I feel for you. I believe if you keep improving yourself, putting your family before you, things should turn around. Keep your chin up!


May I leave you some addiction and marriage resources? I love podcasts and find them enlightening and comforting while I work on my self improvement. (I personally have a /r/limerence addiction. (BTW: Look into /r/limerence. It mayyy apply to you (when you cheated w/o sex.) For me, it stemmed from my issues with: contentment, the need to be "busy" (not still), the need to be constantly gratified and stimulated, etc... to an unhealthy degree.)


ADDICTION PODCAST I ENJOY: That Sober Guy




His Needs Her Needs Book: How to Affair Proof Your Marriage



#staymarried Blog & Podcast


Boundaries in Marriage.



In the future:




Discover your (and your wife's) love languages love language Quiz


Idea of the "Love Bank"-Verbage for how you're feeling within your marriage (helps communication)

Man, I am sorry but you sure have not been getting the correct information and are even twisting others.....

Responsive arousal ONLY kicks in during sexual contact, that is literally how responsive works. So the fact that you said that means you actually don’t know the difference or types.

Now yes your correct if she was to find a new guy her libido would temporarily increase but this is due to peer bonding and attachment base. This has nothing to do with monogamy. I’ve been with my husband 16 years and have always had a really good ex life because we both have spontaneous arousal.

Please read comes as you are

> Spouses who try to be friends are the ones who end up falling out of love

If you're interested in seeing some research in this area, this is a good book. The author is a professor of psychology at the University of Washington who studied something like 700 marriages to try and figure out what makes marriages "work". The marriages with the least amount of divorce and the highest satisfaction had a great friendship at the center of it all. So - keeping up a friendship is very important!

Also, when it comes to love - love is an action, not a feeling. I love my spouse, so I serve her - I prove my love by what I do, not what I feel. Feelings come and go but my ability to make a choice to put her first and put her needs above mine remain.

I literally cannot recommend this book enough! Please read it together! You two will need to establish some boundaries on what interactions with parents look like now that you are married and what each person is comfortable with. His reaction is somewhat justified in that he may see that you are still viewing your parents as your immediate family when your immediate family is now with your husband. Your reaction is also justified in that you love and care for your parents and talking to them keeps you healthy. From there, with the book, you can decide where to draw the boundaries.

I am a stay at home mom and I have two young kids, and it's hard, but dang dude, I really feel for you man. Maybe you should check out Married Red Pill. Do you think maybe she is repeating patterns that her mother may have precedented? I was starting to act like my mother early on in my marriage and I knew I did not ever want a marriage like my parents. I wanted to be happy. On my own accord, I read a book called "why can't you read my mind?"
https://www.amazon.com/Overcoming-Thought-Patterns-Loving-Relationship/dp/1569244758

It helped me learn that I was trashing my husband in my mind to myself and we were ganging up on him and I was lashing out at him because I had made myself think he was this jerk. (Does that make sense?) I would tell you to suggest it to her, but she would probably try to rip your balls off. I also recommend "Boundaries in marriage"

https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Marriage-Henry-Cloud/dp/0310243149

Maybe if you bought the books for yourself, and she saw you reading them, maybe she would be more open to reading them. It wouldn't hurt for you to read some stuff too. She kind of sounds like she has NPD, but that might be jumping the gun somewhat. Good luck dude! If you don't do something you are gonna be miserable.

I'm not saying the chorus of "man up and move on" is wrong, but to add a different perspective: Have you ever wondered WHY you've felt so trapped, felt the need to escape, and felt the need to get married in the first place?

Oftentimes, I feel like feelings of dissatisfaction have more to do with what's happening internally rather than what's going on in a relationship. If there are some core issues with dissatisfaction that need to be worked out, you'll only bring those into your next relationship (if you pursue other relationships in the future). It's easy to run away from something, but much more difficult to run towards something.

Two things that might be worth doing before breaking the news to your wife, just so you can be sure of yourself:

1. check out the book No More Mr Nice Guy to see if any of that resonates with you
   
   
2. see a therapist to explore the drivers of your dissatisfaction to ensure it's your marriage and not something else going on.
   
   You may find that there are other ways to assert yourself and realize your need for freedom within your marriage. If not, you can at least be confident you've done your due diligence before disrupting your life.

You can go through a book like this one. https://www.amazon.ca/101-Questions-Ask-Before-Engaged/dp/0736913947/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1538347316&sr=1-1&keywords=101+questions+to+ask+before+you+get+engaged

I also recommend premarriage counselling. It can help make sure that you have a plan and that you are looking at your plans objectively. From the sounds of it neither of you have had to financially support yourselves. I would suggest agreeing on a budget and see how that impacts your relationship. Can you make a realistic budget? Can you make a financial plan? Practise living according to a budget as if you were living on your own. If your parents don't charge you rent then put rent money in savings. The savings can be used for a wedding, or down payment on a house.

Sit down together and develop a shared vision based on your shared values of what you want for your marriage, your family and your life. If you are both feeling the same way neither one of you are really hearing the other person or being heard by the other.

I'd also recommend you both read the book His Needs/Her Needs Willard Harley as a part of this process by .

Comparative sex drives is a very common topic over at /r/sexover30. I've recently been learning about a lot of this myself. You can find various different threads on the topic already, but some of the best advice you'll be given is to read Come As You Are. It's very common for partners to have different libidos, and the book does a good job of explaining why, and how to address it. I'm still mid-book with my wife at the moment but we already understand each other a lot more.

>Dates, massages, little cards out of the blue, a glass of wine when the kids are at my parents’, overtly asking ... I have talked with friends, coworkers, a therapist, her friends, anything to try and spice it up a bit. We have a healthy marriage, communicate well

None of that generates any sexual desire. Zero! It's all comfort. This is your problem. You are doing what everyone does and your getting the same result. Your doing it to yourself.

Try this:

https://www.amazon.ca/Married-Man-Life-Primer-2011-ebook/dp/B004W0IRQ8

What do you have to lose?

Two books that are extremely helpful in understanding what other people need are the 5 love languages https://amzn.to/34p8kiz and the 5 apology languages. https://amzn.to/2pAFPj5

Your being used for resources and support you poor fucker. Read this book, it will explain everything.

https://www.amazon.ca/Rational-Male-Rollo-Tomassi/dp/1492777862

Your the beta bux.

That baby daddy is the alpha fucks.

Why would she show any appreciation to somone who kisses her ass and bends over backwards to make her life easier. Would a queen express gratitude to a servant? Would a CEO / business owner express gratitude to a front line worker?

The way you treat her and act around her sends HER the message that you are below her and she's acting accordingly.

A woman will never value a man that dosent value himself.

You expecting and NEEDING gratitude from HER, makes you a low value, needy, pathetic excuse for a man. It's also a covert contract, Google it.

Read the rational male, Knoledge is Power and you need some.

The five love languages is a script that drys out vaginas. Stay the fuck away from it.

No kidding, you need to get this book for both himself and yourself.

He's behaving exactly like a "Nice Guy." If you don't want to get the book, then you can listen to this.

Let me know if you have any questions. Stay strong!

Hey man this book will explain why your wife is the way she is. It's perfect for you right now, you need a distraction.

https://www.amazon.ca/Rational-Male-Rollo-Tomassi/dp/1492777862

Your story is not unique at all man, it's been told a thousand times.

Many men have gone through exactually what you are going through.

Read that book.

Good luck.

So far as I can tell, u guys got a whole lot of problems. I love how you see it as "our" problem instead of just "his." You guys also seem very committed to your marriage, which yields nothing but respect from me. Therapy is definitely a great step, CBT and mindfullness training helped me and my marriage a ton. My best advice is to keep at it, and to set hard boundaries. This is a problem that you can overcome, but you have to let him know where the line is and stick to it. Him throwing temper tantrums in front of the kids seems like it should be over that line, so make it so. I know it's hard, but you guys are taking the appropriate steps to solve it. It will take time, pain, tears, and a host of uncomfortable converaations. But I promise you that you all will be the stronger once it's over. Here goes a couple of resources that helped me and my wife out through a similar situation. I also read a few PTSD books, which although he may not be diagnosed with, it is a very well established branch in psychology with great resources and tips on how to identify and control anger outrages, depression, and a breakdown in self confidence. Hope this helps!

https://www.amazon.com/Clinicians-Guide-Mind-Over-Mood/dp/0898628210
https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454

I think your wife needs a wake up call. It sounds like she's in a funk and letting the stresses of life get to her and she's taking you for granted. Something is bothering her and it likely has nothing to do with you. The fact that she is a different person on vacation without the everyday life is very telling. She may need counseling to uncover what her issues are and make peace with them - I know this is much easier said than done. To me, it seems like she's hurting somehow and taking it out on you which is affecting your marriage.

I read this book and it was eye opening for me. I got married fairly young to my college boyfriend so I didn't have a ton of experience with men and especially mature men. My boyfriends had all been teenagers when I met them. For Women Only. I think your wife needs to be scared you're going to leave (assuming that would crush her) and then read this book. There is a version for men regarding women as well if you both wanted to read them at the same time - For Men Only.

Have you read anything by John Gottman? His research on which marriages last and which end in divorce is pretty solid. He is able to identify specific behaviors which, if done often over time, lead to divorce.

This book sums up the core of his findings, and will give you (and your fiance) concrete tools to determine if you have a solid foundation with each other. It might provide you with a more objective lens with which to view your relationship.

This is a good book: 101 Questions to Ask Before You Get Engaged https://www.amazon.com/dp/0736913947/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_ITewDb5PQ4HJX

A doctor named John Gottman coined this phrase. His book is excellent:

https://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0553447718

He did research to see if he could identify couples who would divorce based on how they interact. Spoiler: he could.

If a person has a toxic interaction style, they either need to change or to find someone who can tolerate it. Criticism is a hard one to change because it's about feeling powerlessness and greed, two very powerful human emotions.

Once you see it that way though, it makes it easier to avoid.

You should read MMSLP.

I think it will help.

read His Needs/Her Needs . It will give you a good idea of how affairs start and you will realize that, in the journey towards an affair, they are starting at the halfway point. When your marriage has a rough patch, and it will as they all do, she will be there to offer him an ear and sympathize. It doesn't take much to imagine where that ends up. I would suggest you both read the book and discuss it, maybe even lead him to place where cutting her out becomes his idea.

Just make it clear that you and your daughter will be going no-contact. His mother will not be welcomed in your home when you are there and you will not be going to hers. When you've been raised in a highly dysfunctional home you are forced to normalize extremely toxic behaviors in order to survive. It can take years of therapy to overcome these coping behaviors if you are lucky. Your husband may not yet be capable of taking the steps that you want. I found this book immensely helpful in starting my journey to discover that the way I was raised was neither normal nor acceptable.

I would start with this book:

Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship https://www.amazon.com/dp/0452275350/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_5yrQBbDGX7TAG

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0553447718/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_t1_lgIaBb372YD2T
The seven principles for making marriage work by John Gottman

Make him read this book
http://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X

Here's her website. You can order the book on amazon

I might also take a look at r/https://www.amazon.com/Love-Respect-Desires-Desperately-Needs/dp/1591451876

It sounds like he is on the wrong path, but it's not irreparable.

Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/0553381407/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_fnk1DbZVPQFK0