Top products from r/OneParagraph

Credit-where-credit's-due Department: My inspiration for this one was a small episode in Paul Bowles' novel The Spider's House, which I'm reading now.

you should read this.

> The sun killer arrives twice every generation looking for our people.

Could this possibly work as the first line? This line coming first might set up the impending sense of demise that your great, last line "I think again about how it’s likely the three of us will die." works towards. I think it might make for nice bookends to this piece.

Also, and this isn't any fault of yours, but I just got through reading Revelation Space and there is a nefarious "character" called Sun Stealer that is used all through the book as a malevolent force. Your entity called Sun Killer really reminded me of this since they seem a little bit similar. Might be something to think about since the book is quite famous and other sci-fi fans might also be aware of a slight similarity.

I guess the only other thing I noticed was that you start off with some descriptive action but then as it continues we get some back story that's hard to feel the weight of given that all we have experienced so far is a rock slide. I suppose what I'm not feeling is the power of the sun killer because we're only being told about it, and not shown.

"Show, don't tell" is the #1 rule of writing. Any chance you get to show something and not tell us about something is where the writer earns his paycheck. By showing us you are letting us, the readers, do the work of imagining the events and characters of the story. But when we are told we are forced to have to just sit in the passenger seat and not be allowed to let our imaginations run with your words.

EDIT : Show, don't tell is a really hard rule to abide so don't sweat it too much since you will have to tell from time to time and depending on the story - it's just something to be aware of.

Still though, I really like the blunt and heartfelt last line "I think again about how it’s likely the three of us will die." There is such an inevitable finality to this and if you can link this up tighter with the character and the power of the sun killer then you'll have gold here.