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Top comments that mention products on r/ReadMyScript:

u/evilcleverdog · 2 pointsr/ReadMyScript
  1. Right off the bat, your title. Just call it "June Wedding." Drop the letter A.

  2. Be sure to do your sluglines properly. Formatting can throw people off. Your first slug should still indicate whether it is night or day.

  3. Try to avoid bizarre comparisons. If you compare you should make it simply and understandable. What does it mean "Greek chorus"? Don't be vague and intellectualy superior. You're not writing a novel.

  4. Watch out for dialogue. Make it natural and make it clear. First line you say "2007," where "the year 2007" would sound much better. A number alone could mean many things. This is really just tightening up your screenplay.

  5. You have excessive use of flashbacks and the narrator's voice. Keep it limited. You must make the audience feel like they are not observing a story, but rather that they are a part of it. Too many flashbacks and too much speaking over, while it can come in handy, may suck your audience out of their fantasy.

  6. Honestly. I don't know what MOS means. Probably a good idea to take that out.

  7. Do not do SMASH CUT! No one does that. I've never seen that in a professional screenplay, nor is it something I do. Leave it out. "Cut To:" is fine.

  8. You need to get into the action and tension quicker. As I am reading this, I am finding myself bored. You gotta hook the audience in a little. Make it more exciting sooner. You do have some action, but it comes way later on, and we are not set into it gradually.

  9. Conflict, conflict, conflict, and there isn't enough emotion. You need to push your audience to the edge, you need to jerk 'em around, and make them feel what everyone else is feeling. These characters of yours are talking about what? Not much. Unfortunately, it's too subtle.

  10. Your screenplay first and foremost needs structure. It's too unbalanced. Don't stretch out the exposition and back story so long.

  11. As far as I can tell there's nothing at risk. Risk is a basic part of life, and we all have something to lose. It seems like these characters are living in a world of zero consequence. Sure, some words are exchanged, but not much other than that.

  12. You gotta make your characters more distinct. It feels like there is one person, who is playing everyone. Although that's how real life probably is, your screenplay needn't be like that. Give people quirks. Give them characteristics that help the audience separate them.

  13. It appears that your screenplay really starts around page 72 or so, we find out who is cheating, and then everything starts taking off. You might not want to do this, but if you start from there, and then write about the consequences following you could make a great story.

  14. Every good story has some humor in it. Try and have some laughs to give the audience a break.

  15. Make us care about these people (your characters). Why do we care about them?

    To conclude, your main problems here are: lack of structure, action, conflict, risk, loss, suspense, humor, and unique characters.

    Now, that might seem harsh, but it's not to discourage you. I think you can write. I think you have that ability in you, like most, but what you lack is keeping the audience on the edge of their seats, and making them scared, and happy, and emotionally involved. I highly suggest that you pick up some books on writing and read them. That's my main advice. It's not that you have to follow exactly what they say, but once you know the rules you can break them, and shape them to your liking.

    Anyway, good luck in the future! Keep on writing.

    Pick this up, if you can:

    http://www.amazon.com/Writing-Fiction-Practical-Acclaimed-Creative/dp/1582343306/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1382945522&sr=1-1&keywords=gotham+writers+workshop

    It's just the basics, however, can come in handy.

















u/KCPStudios · 2 pointsr/ReadMyScript

I'm too busy to read the entire script, but after about 4 pages in let me give my two cents:

First the critique. I believe you should invest in buying a screenwriting book that helps you with formatting. Here is the one I have on [amazon] (https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1935247107/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1482011419&sr=8-1&pi=SY200_QL40&keywords=screenwriters+bible)

Beyond that, with the descriptions, there are too many lines and makes it hard to read. Try to combine them. That's my biggest critique.

The good part is I am intrigued by your story concept. Right off the bat, it reminds me of "In Time" where there is some kind of time aging thing, but instead of time being currency, it sounded like you purchased more life. That concept is gold, stick with it.

I think you just need to practice formatting. Use [celtx] (https://www.celtx.com/index.html) which has a free version with a great system for organizing screenplays.

Tl;dr Great idea; work on structure.

u/cubitfox · 2 pointsr/ReadMyScript

This reads like a play. Buy this book, it is completely necessary. Like seriously, buy it now.

Remember, films are a visual medium. They're not all about dialogue like theatre is. Tell the story with your action and description. [Show, don't tell.] (http://thescriptlab.com/features/script-tips-applied/930-show-dont-tell-visual-storytelling-in-black-swan)

I would recommend reading screenplays of your favorite films, see how it is done. Sites like Simply Scripts.

u/AustinBennettWriter · 1 pointr/ReadMyScript

My favorite screenwriting book is The Screenwriter's Bible by David Trottier. It's clear. Concise. A ton of examples.

Into the Woods by John Yorke is my favorite book on structure.

u/leecooperscw · 1 pointr/ReadMyScript

Hello and sorry for my pretty late reply, it’s been a busy day! I've not really celebrated yet, I might do something once its past the first draft. I did read through your feedback and found it all very helpful and will be incorporating it into my second draft. Below are the answers to some of the questions you asked:


P1: Yes, the crescendo just means it gets louder and louder, climaxing with Malcolm getting took out.


P2: Valid point here and along with you other points of needing more backstory I am going to change this slightly. In regards to knowing Malcolm’s name the prison have it on a list but obviously, a prison officer isn’t going to know Adam from Steve with a bunch of new inmates.


P4: Yes, the pace is quick, I’m going to add a little more backstory in the opening pages but getting bogged down in prison is not my aim. Malcolm is purposely a mysterious person, hard to read, an enigma basically. What you need to bear in mind is that he is a beast of a young man, his physical appearance is more of a characteristic than anything else. In regards to your suggestions I think I’m going to pick the first one and show a glimpse of his life before prison.


P7: The guard is just racist and ignorant; a common theme of historical racism is black people are uneducated and lesser people.

I’m not too fussed about historical inaccuracies such as high fives and the body language line because they are fairly minor, the 80 percent line isn’t a scientific fact it’s just his own views. Jimmy’s bookshelf shows the type of man he is and the understanding he has of human psychology. My story isn’t based on real events but it was inspired by reading [a biography of Floyd Patterson] (https://www.amazon.co.uk/Floyd-Patterson-Fighting-Invisible-Champion/dp/1845963326) who was trained by Cus D’Mato, the man who also trained Mike Tyson. Both of these fighters became the youngest heavyweight champion of all time, Floyd in the 1950s and Mike in the 1980s. New York is a conscious choice, it was the centre of the boxing universe before Vegas took the crown so no it wasn’t a random choice in any way.


P31: Malcolm’s main fear is abandonment and getting close to people which (hopefully) becomes apparent as the story progresses. He’s just an angry young man due to being brought up in hard times. I’ll flesh him out a bit more to make this apparent. Boxing is his only option to change his life from poverty to wealth.


P37: Teddy turning racist is a surprising turn inspired by a similar scene in Remember the Titans. It shows the when push comes to shove most people will show their true colours.


Again thanks for reading you have helped me a great deal here.