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This is the book. I hope it helps you as much as it did me. Best of luck!

Agree with the other poster. You need new friends so you won't stifle your other friends.

You might want to read Feeling Good by David Burns. It shines a light on this kind of predictive thinking.

https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336

I'm so glad it was helpful to you!

You might also want to check out the book, The Enabler: When helping hurts the ones you love.

If that's something that you are considering doing with him, you might also want to check out The Jealousy Workbook. I've heard that it can be helpful in preparing for and heading off issues before they happen.

There's a book about the separate domiciles thing:

Living Apart Together

Yes, this was cheating.

Many of us here have had this happen,. It happened to me. My ex-husband turned a "friendship" into more. It shattered my heart into a million pieces because the lying bothered me more than the affair (which later turned physical). We'd been together 15 years, so I thought it was a one off. Then I found out about more as we proceeded to divorce.

If you want to save it (or even just understand more), then I highly suggest a book called "Not Just Friends". My therapist suggested it, and it ultimately helped me decide that divorce was the right answer in my situation.

Also, don't believe a word of her remorse. Pay attention to her actions.

I'm going to say this as delicately as possible, knowing that you're probably not ready to hear it.

What is going on is emotional abuse.

I fully understand that he is not a monster. Abusers rarely are, despite how people talk about them. They are usually fun, charming, witty, caring, and vulnerable. The key is that these are all tools that they use to draw you in.

Then they flip the switch. They set goalposts, and then move them when you comply (such as the snuggling.) They pull up old fights so that when you argue about something, you inevitably find yourself defending something you may not even remember doing, and probably didn't intend to do. They haggle over your meaning, insisting that you said something and not taking your explanations for answers. They try to keep you from spending time with friends, often through expressing jealousy.

They do all of this to keep you on eggshells. If you never know what you expect, you are more compliant to their demands. They can keep you off base, and thereby ensure that you will do what they want.

If you want to learn more, you can start with "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. You can listen for free with an Audible trial. You can also head over to a few subreddits such as r/LifeAfterNarcissism or r/NarcissisticAbuse.

I'm guessing he also spends money without warning you, but gets upset at you if you do the same. He probably has you doing most of the caretaking of the children, the emotional labor of keeping track of events, etc. He probably also doesn't like most members of your family. Maybe he doesn't go to your friend or family events, and if he goes, he isolates himself. Or he dominates the conversation with stories about himself.

These are all common traits of a narcissistic abuser.

I'm sorry.

Are you the same guy who keeps triggering his PTSD wife by being thoughtless and disorganized, and losing items and expecting her to help you, then becoming frustrated at her when she reacts how you know she will?

You seem to take her behaviour personally when she's clearly having some kind of disassociative episode.

You really need the book Love Busters because you're doing all of them.

>Control is ultimately behind every angry outburst. And when a spouse does not do what is expected (selfish demands), recriminations usually follow. Then, when she didn’t respond properly to his accusations, his angry outburst was justified as punishment for her attitude. An angry outburst is usually an effort to teach a lesson—the one partner feels hurt and angrily tries to show the other how that feels.

Now, you're behind on work (your problem, probably because you're disorganized), you take her shopping when you know she'll slow you down, and can't control your own anger. Wow.

You both need professional therapy.

You and her mother have ganged up to dismiss her very real, very deep mental problems with the idea that she "drowns in a teacup" (you just loooove that phrase don't you). She is drowning. To her, the teacup is an ocean. Instead of throwing her a life preserver of therapy, you've jumped in with her to mock with sneering contempt. You've painted yourself as a long-suffering, saint of a husband, but really you're incredibly co-dependant and have zero empathy, no problem solving skills and shit for anger management. Neither of you can cope with the basics of being an adult.

At least your stories are a fascinating roller-coaster ride inside a dumpster fire.