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oh man, i’m sorry. i’m chasing the younger (neurotypcial and just as much as a challenge as the ASD one lol) so this may be a half answer but:

I’m so sorry. it is kind of a shit hand in a lot of ways. there is a mourning period. it’s normal. there are stages. anger at his different behaviors and developmental challenges, sadness at the dreams YOU both had for him that may not (or they might still, don’t give up) happen. but IT WILL GET BETTER. there is also joy. and God help me I’m a bad person but it helped to be reminded in support groups: someone always has it worse.

ASD kids are HARD on marriages. they don’t mean to, they don’t even know but even the greatest, best communication-sex all the time-always in sync ones should be labeled as immediately at risk once this diagnosis comes in. fight for yours. two partners are better. you NEED one another. AND you both NEED a regularly scheduled break. but it if you have to go it alone he’ll still love you too.

so sorry about the friend and family situation. we’re in a similar boat. my parents are nearby but they’re a little old school and limited physically so we use them sparingly. we can’t afford a babysitter on one income.

i hear you on therapy. it was a blessing we found ourselves in a very resource rich school district. but contact yours immediately. we did and we’re quickly accepted into an Early (intervention) Childhood School that was part of the public school system (free) and provided speech and social/emotional (and occupational therapy but he didn’t qualify for that) therapies. he was at a church preschool but he was miserable. bless them, they were untrained and clueless. but at the ECS he blossomed. became a leader and gained so much confidence.

btw, check your local library for some “sensory friendly programs.”

last thing, reading. you’ve found tons I’m sure. this helped me and my family kinda get oriented with my essentially new son. God bless you. hit me up with questions or just a need to bitch bc that’s important too. lol

yeah our little guy was late as well. We went in to be induced, stayed the night, and then the next morning shit got real fast and they had to do an emergency c-section. I was freaking out cause I wasn't sure what was going on and if my wife and/or unborn baby were going to be ok. On the plus side everything went fine and we didn't have to do any labor.

As others have said day 1 is awesome. The baby is super sleepy and you can just cuddle them. The following days are a bit crazy cause baby is hungry and mom's milk is still slowly coming in.

Also if y'all are breastfeeding, whenever you start introducing bottles avoid any of the ones that claim they are like a boob or good for breast feeding. The ones that best for breastfed babies are the cheap ones like these https://www.amazon.com/Evenflo-Feeding-Classic-Tinted-Bottles/dp/B00N9X4YZW

The reason why is that they allow the baby to latch on like the breast(our lactation consultant informed us after we had already bought all those other bottles. Doh!) Also Gerber bottles and Dr. Brown bottles with the same nipples work as well, but Dr. Brown is rather expensive. Ok I'll shut up now. Good luck I hope all goes well! Keep me posted!

My daughter is six right now, and I was (and still am) the main stay at home/work from home parent ever since my wife’s maternity leave ended when she was five months old.

I’ve long called her “chaos with a pony tail”. She was sprinting soon after walking, and at times on the playground I felt like the word I was saying most to her was “Careful!” She’s had tons of spills and I always felt like my reaction to those spills would teach her how to react to scrapes and falls, etc. I likened her falling down to a coin that landed on its edge, and whatever I did in that moment would dictate which way it would fall.

Now she’s in kindergarten, and has had a ton of scrapes during recess. Visits to the nurse are common for her, but nothing too serious, we usually only hear about them from her that night. One time just two weeks into her school year I got a call from the nurse, as she had collided with another kid by accident and ended up landing in a shrub with her neck getting scratched. After I talked with my daughter during the call (who told me she didn’t want to get picked up, and wanted to finish the day, bus ride home and all), the nurse got on and assured me that she’d be fine to continue at school but remarked that she was One Tough Little Girl.

She definitely loves dresses and princesses and pink sparkly girly stuff, but she also flips over rocks and revels in finding bugs we’d rather she avoid, like grubs and slugs. Her aunt gave her the book Not All Princess Dress in Pink, but she didn’t need to be taught that from a book. She figured that out on her own.

Our favorite was Joanna Cole's I'm a Big Brother. It will be too young for your 5yo, but probably about right for your 3yo. The language is pretty simple, but it introduces the sorts of things babies do and don't do, and what big brother can do and how to treat the baby.

I use three gallon plastic pails and fill them with common toys (duplos, Lincoln logs, potato head, barbies, etc). They have lids and stack easily. I store them around the side of the couch. It’s easy to sweep large swaths of toys into the container.

Also a hand sweeper with upright catch. It sounds stupid but half of the issues with cleaning up toys is the impending doom of throwing your back out.

For house keeping just rotate bathrooms through the week and clean before you leave.

Sweeping takes no time. I always do dishes when dinner is done before I go off and do anything else.

If you have a local neighbor kid who will babysit for an hour while you clean, it can be the best $15 you spend.

Also babywear the little one while you do house work. The older one can fend for themselves while you work for a few.

We followed the instructions in the book 12 hours' sleep by 12 weeks old. Sure, we bent the rules, but I'd say we stuck to it around 80% of the time. And, instead of 12 weeks, we probably ended it around 4 or 5 months. At the end, our kids were down to one wake up incident per night, so we furburized (spelling?) that out. From 6 months on (my kids are 6 and 3 now), both kids go to bed when we tell them, sleep through the night with zero issues, and never have a single problem getting up in the morning. Things in that department worked out better than I ever hoped for.

We had our second around the two year mark and Pirate Pete was the favourite book of the time (exciting new things, focus on the child not the baby)
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Im-New-Big-Brother-Princess/dp/1409313743

But these days (age 5) the Osborn series of lift the flap books would be better received (i.e. whats happening inside) - Ive not read this one, but we have others from Osborn
https://www.amazon.co.uk/How-Babies-Made-Flip-Flaps/dp/0746025025/ref=cm_cr_arp_d_product_top?ie=UTF8

Note:
The Osborn book has been flagged for inappropriate language by one reviewer, to which I would say, "What world do you live in where you can skip the body parts that having a baby requires?".
Also, one review says the "See inside the body" book contains the same pictures, but ours does not cover pregnancy (but is a worthwhile book to buy in any case)

I didn't even know those were a thing! Something like this?