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It was, at least according to him. It really is some cognitive dissonance that an eminent therapist can think

>But could I relate to Betty? To be frank, she revolted me. It was an effort for me to locate her face, so layered and swathed in flesh as it was. Her silly commentary was equally offputting. By the end of our first hour, I felt irritated and bored. Could I be intimate with her? I could scarcely think of a single person with whom I less wished to be intimate. But this was my problem, not Betty's. It was time, after twenty-five years of practice, for me to change. Betty represented the ultimate counter- transference challenge — and, for that very reason, I offered then and there to be her therapist.

>Surely no one can be critical of a therapist striving to improve his technique. But what, I wondered uneasily, about the rights of the patient? Is there not a difference between a therapist scrubbing away unseemly countertransference stains and a dancer or a Zen master striving for perfection in each of those disciplines? It is one thing to improve one's backhand service return but quite another to sharpen one's skills at the expense of some fragile, troubled person.

>These thoughts all occurred to me but I found them dismissible. It was true that Betty offered an opportunity to improve my personal skills as a therapist. It was, however, also true that my future patients would benefit from whatever growth I would attain. Besides, human service professionals have always practiced on the living patient. There is no alternative. How could medical education, to take one example, survive without student clinical clerkships? Furthermore, I have always found that responsible neophyte therapists who convey their sense of curiosity and enthusiasm often form excellent therapeutic relationships and can be as effective as a seasoned professional.

>It's the relationship that heals, the relationship that heals, the relationship that heals — my professional rosary. I say that often to students. And say other things as well, about the way to relate to a patient — positive unconditional regard, nonjudgmental acceptance, authentic engagement, empathic understanding. How was I going to be able to heal Betty through our relationship? How authentic, empathic, or accepting could I be? How honest? How would I respond when she asked about my feelings toward her? It was my hope that I would change as Betty and I progressed in her (our) therapy. For the time being, it seemed to me that Betty's social interactions were so primitive and superficial that no penetrating therapist-patient relationship analysis would be necessary.

I find this all completely stunning. The arrogance. The using a patient for improving his own skills who is never asked for consent to be used in that manner -- People who are seeing students in training do so with full knowledge and intent to do so. His problem here is not lack of technique. It is sickness for which he should have known he needed his own treatment.

But instead he satisfies himself with the notion he is providing adequate care because, due to the patient's deficiencies in social relationship -- no way those could be projections of his own disgust and hatred for her, of course -- "no penetrating therapist-patient relationship analysis would be necessary" (a parapraxis so laughably obvious a psych 101 student could have caught it).

This is all treated like he is doing her some kind of favor. Because he is the "great man."

And this is the author of probably the most widely-lauded book on group therapy.

I have often thought a foundational problem with psychoanalysis is that, from the very beginning, we only have the famous analyst's account of how successful their treatments were. There is no essay by Betty about her regard of the treatment and what the longterm effects were. But these people are taken as experts and models for practice, without question.

I am no CBT advocate and I do believe healing is through relationship. I am interested and excited by new research linking neuroscience and analysis, for instance by Allan Schore and the late but wonderful Jaak Panksepp. But I wish there was some attempt at accountability or objective review of these historical famous, revered psychoanalysts.

I could TOTALLY see myself being jealous of my friend's treatment if I were in your shoes. Relationships with your therapist is usually really personal and meaningful, and I feel like I would definitely feel similar.

As for DBT, I enjoy it a lot. I don't do a super structured version of it, but we talk about a lot of DBT skills and I study the workbook on my own. I have a few other workbooks that I study as well, I think they have a lot of benefit and I just enjoy them so sometimes I'll flip through a workbook as like a soothing exercise. When I started, though, we did a much looser and talk based approach. I don't know if that's what she thought I wanted, or if she thought my reasons for therapy were better suited for that method, and we stuck with that for a month or two. I tend to have pretty strong ideas about how I want to do things, and therapy was no different so I started finding books and bringing them up in my sessions and generally we sort of work from whatever I bring in, but my therapist will sometimes guide me and say, "hey it seems like you're onto something with this, why don't you do some more exploring with it and we'll see where it takes us next week." Most of the time I follow her guidance, but sometimes it doesn't interest me at the time so I don't until it sparks something.

I have the Marsha Lineman version, but this book is the one my therapist recommended when I expressed interest in DBT.

It sounds like it would be beneficial to bring up using DBT in your sessions. It's your therapy, so it can be whatever you want it to be! I understand feeling frustrated that your friend is doing a more technical strategy. That would be something I would also talk about in your sessions. Your therapist might have a reason they were doing it that way.

I too had been diagnosed with DID and worked with a therapist who had never encountered it before. It definitely was a learning experience for both of us. Fortunately my T was willing to learn and stick with me as we work through a lot of my sh*t. It definitely was a rough ride at times, and my T didn't always make the best or most helpful decisions over the years, but what I ultimately learned was to trust my gut and to speak up when something in the therapy or in the relationship didn't feel right for me.

Have you asked your T how much experience that her supervisor has had in regards to working with DID clients? Do you feel comfortable that your T will be getting some good support and input from this super? I would encourage you to have that conversation with her if you are not feeling good about this.

Also, in regards to your fear of having to address your trauma, you don't have to necessarily do that at this time. I would hope your T is focusing on getting you and your system to be more connected and co-concious so that you and your alters/parts are learning to acknowledge and except each other and their particular roles so they can work together as a unified system. After this is achieved, you may feel more comfortable about facing your particular traumas. And who knows, the trauma may naturally come up and be worked through as you get to know each of your alters/parts better.

Also, don't be so quick to write off other modalities or alternative therapies just yet. Body centred therapies are quite helpful for addressing complex traumas. When I got stuck in a rut with doing talk therapy and wasn't improving, but in fact slipping backwards in progress and worsening in my trauma symptoms, I started doing neurofeedback therapy in conjunction to my talk therapy and it was incredibly beneficial. It helped to calm many of my trauma symptoms, including my overall anxiety, emotional dysregulation, and dissociation unlike anything else to where I could finally start doing my talk therapy without becoming severely dissociated or triggered. I started to make a lot of positive progress in therapy and my healing after I started neurofeedback. Neurofeedback also helped me internally to become more connected with my system.

Also, if you haven't read these books yet, I highly recommend you get copies of them. You may like to share them with your T:

https://www.amazon.com/Dissociative-Identity-Disorder-Sourcebook-Sourcebooks/dp/0737303948

https://www.amazon.com/Coping-Trauma-Related-Dissociation-Interpersonal-Neurobiology/dp/039370646X/ref=mp_s_a_1_3?keywords=dissociative+identity+disorder+books&qid=1562834073&s=gateway&sprefix=Disociative+&sr=8-3

Not all therapists are the same. It does help educate yourself about the different types of therapists out there, and different degrees. Someone with a PhD is going to have different training and approach than someone trained as an MFT (marriage and family therapist). There are a ton of different degrees, and knowing the differences can save you a lot of time in finding someone who is a good fit for you.


I agree with the other commenter finding a therapist who you feel comfortable with is most important. A good therapist can help you wade through all the stuff/feelings/barriers you described and help you narrow down some goals and give you the skills you need to get there.


It's never a bad idea to call potential therapists and ask them about their approach, how they might work with you, what their availability is. Just by talking with someone you can usually get a good sense of whether or not you'd feel comfortable with them. Therapists can be busy, so don't be afraid to leave a message and they will call you back.


I wrote a whole book about how to find a therapist who is a good match for you, it's called Talk It Out (here is the link).


I'm happy to answer more questions about how to find a therapist here.

The goal of therapy is to process how you're feeling in a productive way. You don't need an external goal outside of that. It's tough to find a therapist who's a good fit for you, regardless of what you're going through, but it's so worth it.

I've had really good luck with Acceptance and Commitment therapy, and I think you might as well. While you're sorting out therapy stuff, you might check out [The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris] (the happiness trap: How to Stop Struggling and Start Living: A Guide to ACT https://www.amazon.com/dp/1590305841/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_NiVWDbC8K29Y4). He gives a layman's introduction to ACT, and it's what started me on that particular part of my journey back in 2017.

Edit: not sure what's going on with the format

Idk where they got it from, but I read in this book that the most honest part of a person's body is their feet because they pay the least attention to how it appears to others.

https://www.amazon.ca/What-Every-BODY-Saying-Speed-Reading/dp/0061438294

if you are interested.

Try Schema Therapy - it’s kind of a compromise between skills-based therapy and psychodynamic therapy. I have found it really effective, because it talks about why you have the issues you do and where they came from, and only then uses skills to cope with and help heal the issues. This is a good book to learn a bit about it - just ignore the extremely dated cover and clickbaity title, idk what their publisher was thinking.

These are great gifts. I gave the flip chart to a former therapist and my current therapist already has it out on a table.

• Emotion flip chart
  
  
• Emotionary
  
  
• Colored picture - this one sounds infantile but I found a coloring page that had a mantra that resonated with me (Don't look for happiness in the same place you lost it). I colored it and gave it to her. :)

https://www.amazon.com/Science-Psychotherapy-Norton-Interpersonal-Neurobiology/dp/0393706648/

This book

You are not the cause of his panic attacks, if it wasn't you he'd be having them over something else eventually.

Generally speaking, you don't owe someone a relationship at your expense. If you don't want to be with him then don't. He will be fine eventually if he seeks out help for his panic attacks which is his responsibility. It is not your responsibility to be with him so he doesn't have panic attacks.

If you want to help, get him a book on managing anxiety. My therapist recommended me this one and I found it helpful.

IBS is a diagnosis of exclusion, so not really a diagnosis at all since it doesn't say what you have as much as it says what is happening. IBS has historically and still is often seen by well-meaning physicians as 80% psychological. What were starting to understand is that there's a much higher chance that the anxiety and depression that are associated with IBS are probably caused by the same disorder that causes IBS and this changes gut Flora. IANAD buttttttt Drs are horrible at doing the differential Dx for this.

Look at Mark Pimentel's book

A New IBS Solution: Bacteria-The Missing Link in Treating Irritable Bowel Syndrome https://www.amazon.com/dp/0977435601/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_7jXRDbBT923K8

Also. I'm serious. I've had IBS for 14 years. The food diary along with a structured food elimination diet may change things. Oh and a fecal transplant. Sounds gross because it is, but it's the #1 cure for C-diff according to best practices. It's just never done because it makes people go eww.

There are many scientists who believe therapy is basically a scam and doesn't help in the majority of cases.

https://www.amazon.com/Therapy-Industry-Irresistible-Talking-Doesnt/dp/074532987X

I like to work with a definition of trauma that I read once, which is severe emotional pain that doesn't find a relational home. A key aspect of what has happened to us is that we experienced pain, and nobody really "witnessed" it, at least not in a way that helped.

You want to show him the tangible evidence of how much pain you're in, because somehow you feel like he's not seeing it. That's a real need whether or not it's okay to act on. I personally don't think he needs to see that evidence to make you feel heard and understood on this. But he does need to understand what you wanted and how you feel now.

I'd imagine things suck a lot right now. These sessions hurt. Hang in there.

Bad Therapy: Master Therapists Share Their Worst Failures

https://www.amazon.com/Bad-Therapy-Master-Therapists-Failures/dp/0415933234

Bad Therapy offers a rare glimpse into the hearts and mind's of the profession's most famous authors, thinkers, and leaders when things aren't going so well. Jeffrey Kottler and Jon Carlson, who include their own therapy mishaps, interview twenty of the world's most famous practitioners who discuss their mistakes, misjudgements, and miscalculations on working with clients. Told through narratives, the failures are related with candor to expose the human side of leading therapists. Each therapist shares with regrets, what they learned from the experience, what others can learn from their mistakes, and the benefits of speaking openly about bad therapy.