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My husband and I are in an open relationship, also both 27. but we just got married last month so we're still super into each other, just also into other people :) We have been reading The Ethical Slut together and I think it's a wonderful introduction to an open lifestyle - it covers all the possible permutations of an open relationship and it's a funny read.

Relationships, open or not, are completely different for everybody, but I will tell you our "rules" in case they are helpful to you. We only consent to having safe sex with others, and we immediately tell the other person if we fuck it up (like a condom comes off in the heat of the moment.) I don't get mad if this happens - I just care about keeping us both stay safe and healthy. Also, if either one of us decides to "veto" something, like a new lover or a situation that for some reason makes us uncomfortable, they have that right. As a culture, we don't really have a vocabulary for discussing these things with each other so it takes a LOT of talking to help work through why something feels wrong, or feels great, or makes us worried or makes us excited in a new way! I have found that these discussions have really turned up the heat just between my husband and I as we discover new things about each other.

Lastly, there's a concept in the polyamorous community of "new relationship energy." When you have the hots for someone you just met, it's often more juicy than your existing long term partners. Enjoy it! But don't mistake it for a greater love than the one(s) you already have. Lust is lovely, but it isn't love.

I hope that this is helpful to you and please feel free to PM me if you want.

Yay, good for you! It’s so hard to make choices about our bodies without knowledge and it’s so frustrating when people around us won’t talk about it or only use euphemisms or whatever. Happy for your future daughter :)

FYI, there is another option that for me has been even better than tampons and I wish someone had told me about earlier. Menstrual cups (like diva cup, Lena, etc) are reusable silicone cups that you insert and they catch the blood, then you dump it into the toilet. It sounded super gross to me at first, but it’s not actually that different from using tampons in terms of how much blood you touch and see and everything. They last like 10 years and only cost around $40, you boil them to sterilize in between periods. They are way cheaper than tampons in the long run, and safer (no bleach/chemicals, for one), and you can go twice as long without changing it because it can hold more blood. For me it’s also way more comfortable and easier once I got over the hill of learning how to use it. An idea for the future!

I also want to offer some perspective on hormonal birth control because, again, I wish someone had told me. It can change your body and periods in awesome ways in the moment (help with cramping, decrease heaviness of flow, etc) but in the long run your body can suffer aftershocks from it that you might not anticipate. After being on it for a decade I stopped and my skin is terrible now. Also, I was so out of touch with what a real period was like for me because I was having pill periods that I feel like I didn’t know my body well enough to know what was healthy especially when dealing with pregnancy and postpartum and nursing. I won’t go back to hormonal methods. Not that it won’t be right for you, but just another perspective because all I ever heard was that it was totally fine and super safe with no lasting effects.

Last, if you’re looking for information about your body you might want to read Our Bodies, Ourselves. It’s going out of print but it’s an amazing book by women for women about women’s bodies and health needs. If nobody is talking to you about this stuff, you should definitely get this book!

This is what worked for me, more than once: It's Called a Break-Up Because It's Broken. To cheer you up in the mean time: Hyperbole and a Half: God of Cake.

And as just a probably-too-soon postscript here: no man who doesn't want to be with you, for any reason, can possible be the perfect man for you. And as to feeling complete with an SO, I stopped getting crushed by break-ups (though they always hurt) after I started to look into being complete on my own. This, for me, was a big change, but it doesn't have to be. I followed all my dreams: to get in shape and be stylish and beautiful, to be a writer, a dancer, to get my PhD in Biology. I also worked on myself as a person so that I learned to take more risks, not to fear information or stay willfully ignorant, tried to be empathic and kind to people who were suffering even if I didn't understand it completely, and try to live with as little bitterness and judgement of others as possible. I learned how to forgive without an apology, to have conflict without fighting, to stop talking all the time and listen more.

I have been with my partner now for 5 years, we are both 40 and no spring chickens. I love him madly, and know he is a special man for me, and we have a relationship that can never be duplicated. But with all that, even though I know a break-up would be really hard for me, even with all the time behind us, our ages, and the life we've built together, I know I would make it if things had to end. I am my complete self with him and without him. I love him, but he is my partner not my other half and not my identity.

Wow, that got long, all I meant to do was recommend the book! Sorry for all the too-soon advice, I went someplace weird inside myself, your post clearly touched me a great deal.

OK, now for some more appropriate advice. Go easy on yourself and take it day by day. Do not turn people away who want to support you, accept it -- you deserve it. Be kind to yourself the same way you would a friend in your situation: do things that are good for you, but not self-destructive (e.g. two bowls of ice cream is a special treat, two gallons might have you hating yourself; sleeping late is indulgent, staying in bed all day....probably not the best idea). Cry! Cry A LOT! It's good for you and totally appropriate. Don't keep trying to force yourself to look into (anything but the very near) future. You really can only be reasonably sure of what will happen this week, so there's no telling what will be going on months from now. Call all your besties back home and whine and complain all you want, this is your big chance! You deserve it. Good luck, hon, and all the best.

This is so relevant to me right now it's insane.

I had been using hormonal BC off and on since I was about 15 years old. It started with the pill, which I used for probably about a year or two, and then I switched to the NuvaRing, also using it for about a year or two. But after using both methods of BC, and after feeling plummeting self esteem from weight gain, a killed libido, and just feeling "artificial," I decided to just be done with hormonal BC. I was set on getting Paraguard (non-hormonal and no babies for 10 years? Who wouldn't want that?) So I went to the doctor, and talked to her about my options. I explained my desire to get the IUD placed, and she told me horror stories about the IUD (perforated uteruses, snapped IUDs that required surgery to retrieve, etc.) and that she didn't think I would be a good candidate simply because I haven't been pregnant before. The whole experience was debilitating and for the first time in my life I felt truly trapped and defeated. I wanted birth control that wouldn't screw with my hormones, was effective, and didn't require a barrier, but it didn't seem to exist.

I did a bit of research and also came across Lady Comp. Honestly, it sounded too good to be true. But $500 is a hefty one-time payment for birth control, and I have yet to make the commitment (though I honestly think I will within a few months). However, while researching Lady Comp, I saw a lot of talk about the book Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler and it instantly drew my attention. The book explains how you can use the Fertility Awareness Method for BC by simply tracking your Basal Body Temperature (which is exactly what Lady Comp does), your cervical fluid, and/or your cervical positioning.

I'm nearly done reading the book, and I honestly feel so much more comfortable and aware of my own fertility.

I haven't used the FAM method yet (husband is active duty and is away at the moment) however I have been tracking my BBT and cervical fluid and hopefully will be using it when he comes home. That's the plan, anyway. I don't think I would feel comfortable using Lady Comp without supplementing with the book, simply because several things can affect your BBT (alcohol the night previous, not getting adequate amount of sleep, sickness or fevers, etc) but the book helped explain how in addition to my BBT, I can examine my own cervical fluid and cervical positioning to identify my fertile window.

My suggestion would be to at least look into the book a bit before buying the Lady Comp so you can understand your own personal cycle, and understand how BBT works, as well as your cervical fluid and positioning.

Based on your edit, I think you are doing 100% the right thing. It really sucks that this guy can affect your life so much with something as small as a letter, but it happened and now all you can do is deal with the situation in front of you. And you're doing great.

I want to highly recommend that you buy and read [The Gift of Fear] (http://www.amazon.com/Other-Survival-Signals-Protect-Violence/dp/0440508835/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1395939077&sr=1-1&keywords=the+gift+of+fear) by Gavin de Becker. It's a very interesting and well-written book, and also incredibly useful if you happen to have a stalker. I work at a domestic violence shelter, and I recommend that book to many of my clients. And all my friends. And basically everybody.

This is a scary situation, but you're doing awesome. Even if the police don't seem to think it's "threatening," it IS. What he did is absolutely a threat. He said, "I know where you live, I know what you look like naked, and I think I have ownership of that." Even if he's wrong (about it being you in the pictures) that's still a warning, so take it for what it is! Trust yourself, and listen to your instincts. Instincts can be incredibly useful, and yours are telling you to run far away. So run away. There's nothing dishonorable about running to protect yourself. Run away this one time, and hopefully you won't ever have to deal with him again.

Good luck! Message me if you want to talk about anything. I have some experience dealing with stalkers and scary people, so I'm definitely happy to talk with you if you need it.

A great book on trusting your instincts is The Gift of Fear, that you might want to read/go over with them.

I also liked what another commenter said about emphasizing the positive sides of sexuality. Sex should be two people enthusiastically choosing to be together! Sex should be fun! Both people deserve to enjoy sexual activities!

Further, talking about other aspects of sexuality that can involve vulnerability, such as STIs, sharing of photos, etc, in the broader context of what makes a strong relationship (or even just a safe one-night-stand!) is great. I always recommend Scarleteen as a resource for parents & teenagers on a wide range of issues.

I was where you are now. I split with my ex of 7 years in November 2009, and IMMEDIATELY jumped into dating a string of other guys. This stemmed from low self-esteem; I was looking for love and appreciation from external sources. I met my current boyfriend in July 2011, and initially was the same way...all "I don't want a Relationship...I'm not looking to get married, etc. etc." Fortunately, he feels the same way, and we're able to maintain our independence. We live separately, and get together on the weekends. Neither one of us want children, and there's nothing "wrong" with living independently or not wanting kids. :) We both realize that the relationship will end at some point, but as long as we're both happy, we'll stay together.

Personally, I don't think you're being a "colossal bitch." You're figuring out what you want and need after a HUGE upheaval. I think you're on the right track by being upfront with him about your wants, needs, and desires. To paraphrase Dossie Easton, "let each relationship seek its own level." Don't try to force yourself (or him) into a mold that doesn't fit.

I'd recommend that you read The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy. It's somewhat polyamory-focused, but there are many valuable anecdotes that I think you could relate to.

Feel free to PM me if you'd like. :)

Condoms and spermacide used together is an effective contraception and its very unlikely that she is pregnant, especially as she is now getting some more bleeding.

It sounds like pregnancy is a frequent concern of hers each month, made worse by her irregular periods, Because of that I strongly recommend she talks to her doctor about what other contraceptive methods are available to her. Some methods like the pill, patch and ring will help regulate her period as well as protect her, to give her peace of mind. Other methods like Injections, Implants and IUDs are administered by a health care professional, offer 99% protecten and can't be misused. If she had one of these other methods and you continued to use condoms, her uterus will be damn near impenetrable.

I recommend she read up on female fertility, how it works and how she can understand her own. Taking charge of your fertility is one of he best books on the subject, But wikipedia can be just as good.

If she needs help keeping track of her irregular periods, I love the phone app Kindara Its designed for women with irregular cycles who are trying to understand their body. It will enable her to track her periods and understand how her body works. This app uses fertility tracking (temperature, cervical mucus and cervical placement) to determine which phase of the menstrual cycle you are in. (Folicular, ovulatory, Luteal and Menstrual - You can't get pregnant during the luteal phase, and if you enter the luteal phase, you know you aren't pregnant)

But the main thing is that she gets herself on a third method of contraception to feel as safe as can be, and maybe even talk to her doctor about the anxiety itself if she is still very stressed after implementing a third method.

Okay, here we go. First of all, good job having safe sex but let this scare be the motivation to have safer sex, i.e. get on some birth control on top of the condom use. There are a variety of options and is cost/parents are an issue go to your local Planned Parenthood to go over your options. :)

That being said I understand what you are going through right now. A lot of what you're describing is what I suspect not pregnancy just because it'd be crazy early to be getting signs of being pregnant. I'm thinking you're just being hypersensitive to things because you're stressed and worried. Google is hell for people who suspect unwanted pregnancy, haha. If it would make you feel better, take a test, but I'm not sure it'd pick up on pregnancy this early so it may be a waste of time.

http://www.amazon.com/Wondfo-Pregnancy-Test-Strips-25-count/dp/B0002YIQEQ/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1342981043&sr=8-1&keywords=pregnancy+test

I would buy a pack of these for the future to have on hand for possible scares like this one down the road. They're cheap, work, and it's nice to not have to worry about picking up a test at the store when you're already stressed, especially with you being so young. I would also pick up the morning after pill to have on hand. Not now because it is not an abortion pill and will not work if you're already pregnant and you can only take it up to 72 hours after your sexual encounter, but again, good to have on hand.

Overall, however, if your condom didn't break then I'd say your chances are slim to nil that you actually are pregnant.

I would also take this as an opportunity to talk to your partner about unwanted pregnancy. Would you want to adopt, get an abortion? It's your decision, but would you have your partner's support both emotionally and possibly financially? Would he want to keep it? These are important questions that I think it's important to ask your partner.

If you have any more questions, ask. I've been in your shoes before and know how it feels.

I have super sensitive skin and used to absolutely hate shaving – which was especially unfortunate because my paleness rivals Jim Gaffigan's and my hair is very dark.

These are tips I've picked up from 2X over time that have made a major difference for me in getting a closer shave without irritation:

• The right razor helps. I've found that men's razors are typically better, but these cheapo drug-store brand women's ones work really well for me. I recently used my boyfriend's double edged safety razor and I'm considering making the switch (blades are super cheap!), but I'm currently too afraid of butchering my legs by accident.
  
  
• Dry brushing before showering with a body brush seems to help prevent skin irritation for me; failing that, exfoliation beforehand with a loofah in the shower. If I don't do either of those I am pretty much guaranteeing skin irritation.
  
  
• Men's shave cream works better than women's shave cream and is cheaper, but conditioner or lotion works even better than those – with the added advantage that you can easily see the area you're shaving.
  
  
• For the bikini area it's better to go with the grain or at an angle to it to avoid irritation (~45° from going with the grain seems to be good for getting a closer shave with less irritation).
  
  
• On areas more prone to skin irritation (like the bikini area), using a product like PFB Vanish afterwards seems to help, but it's really expensive. Recently I've started using witch hazel as soon as I'm out of the shower instead – it's working just as well, but it's cheaper. Apparently a lot of strippers put unscented deodorant on the area to prevent irritation/ingrowns, too.
  
  
• I dry my razors off after I use them to prevent them from rusting, but I've heard of dipping them in alcohol first or storing them in mineral or baby oil instead (I'm not sure which liquid would work best for this, but I'm curious – does anyone know?). Drying them has made them last way longer while irritating my skin much less.
  
  
  Also, you might benefit from reading this thread in r/reddit.com. I imagine men's shaving tips apply equally to us.
  
  tl;dr: use men's razors, men's shave cream or conditioner or lotion, exfoliate beforehand, shave with or at an angle to the grain, witch hazel after, dry off your razor

> Are people really as naked as the essay says?

I'm 32 weeks pregnant with my first kid, so no personal experience, but from what I've heard, it's not that you *have* to be naked, it's just that when you're in the early stages of learning to breastfeed and your breasts are massively engorged, it's just easier to wander about your house totally relaxed and topless :)

> Is it really hard to go step into a room when you need to breastfeed?

It's not hard, but again, breastfeeding is your number one job at that point - I'd want to be able to do it anywhere and not have to hide away. (FYI, even if I have visitors, they're the ones that'll have to get used to it - my boobs are coming out!)

> the OBGYN said to be prepared for it to not work after 6 months of trying

As someone who took almost a year of trying, don't give up hope. I highly recommend reading Taking Charge of Your Fertility and joining /r/TryingForABaby.

Good luck!

I relish (and sometimes revile) certain sounds as well. I probably never would have liked the word cunt were it not for the imagery of this particular poem, quite frankly. I'm one of those people who has hang-ups about the mouth-feel of certain words (can't stand the way "panties" feels as it is articulated), and I think my studies of phonemes and articulators in my degree program (Speech and Hearing Science) only deepened this tendency. So I definitely understand where you are coming from on this. I've hear the Louie C.K. bit before and I do enjoy it! (There's quite a bit of his stuff that I like.)

I've been told I cuss like a sailor at times. I think it's because of what I held in at work (career with kids).

The poetry anthology is Claiming the Spirit Within and I'll go so far as to say it's worth more than what Amazon is hawking it for these days. Also, with regard to "cunt," there's a book by the same name. If you haven't read it, it's an interesting read. I can't say I agreed with it in its entirety, but it did get my gears turning and introduce some different perspectives in feminism to me.

With regard to medical terms, YES, there are some great ones out there. Although I find some disease names to be excessively impenetrable (particularly some of the spinal conditions which seem to be so similarly named and yet have such long names that it would be a bear to memorize them correctly ... thank goodness for reference materials).

Have you ever read Gavin Becker's The Gift of Fear? (http://www.amazon.com/The-Gift-Fear-Gavin-Becker/dp/0440226198) It is seriously one of the most helpful books I've ever read. It helped me break out of the "I can't let anyone think I'm a bitch/I can't lose weight or men will find me attractive" traps that I was in.

You have no obligation to be nice to people who aren't giving you the respect that you deserve. You don't have to be socialized to be nice to people who are disrespecting you. It's okay to assert yourself and your own needs. Don't worry about being a bitch.

I was mugged at my doorstep a few years ago. I feel the same way as you do, often -- that I can't go out without being harassed unless I have my husband or a male friend around. And it sucks so completely. When I go out, I keep my bitchface in my pocket in case it's necessary. I also always have something to keep me occupied -- iPod, book, whatever -- so that I have the socially acceptable excuse of "sorry, I need to do this right now." I keep a guard up around strangers, which sucks: I'm a harder person when I'm out than when I'm with my friends. But it's what I do to maintain my reasonable boundaries -- the space I need for my own personal well-being and safety -- in the outside world.

Hugs and good luck: this world was not made for us, so we've got to go remake it, one person at a time.

I want to say so many things but I feel like it's better to just beg you to read the book "Gift of Fear" by Gavin DeBecker. I also encourage you to put your restraining order goals on hold until you hopefully read the book. You can skip chapters to what is relevant if you want.

Hope this link works, Im on my phone: https://www.amazon.com/dp/0440508835/ref=cm_sw_r_other_apa_fdbQBbPAGGSYP

I genuinely hope this helps!

So sorry for your loss but it's great that you're helping her get through this.
When I was younger, I had the American Girl book everyone is suggesting. It really is a big help!
As for periods: if she uses tampons for the first time, make sure she remembers to change them regularly and watch for symptoms of Toxic Shock Syndrome. Some girls experience them immediately after putting them on and they should be removed and should get to a hospital. Pads are the safer way to go, IMO. Good luck to you two!

Edit: typo.

Yes, that's possible. I have friends who had periods the entire way through multiple pregnancies - everyone's different. I've had several losses, and I know exactly what you mean as far as how it feels. We might all have different experiences, but I know what my body feels like when something's up, and it's very different from anything else. Best thing to do is test! =)

FYI, tests are super cheap. http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B004AOMAOG/ref=oh_details_o02_s00_i00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

We're not TTC yet (soon! can't wait!) but I have a couple of medical issues that necessitate weekly testing. Holy fuck, if I had to pay $10/test, we'd be in the poor house! =)

Good luck!

Here are 13 ways to support a survivor from Rape Victim Advocates.

I've also been raped (and sexually assaulted a number of times) and here are some additional sources I found helpful:

• https://yesmeansyesblog.wordpress.com/2011/03/21/mythcommunication-its-not-that-they-dont-understand-they-just-dont-like-the-answer/
  
  
• https://yesmeansyesblog.wordpress.com/2009/11/12/meet-the-predators/
  
  
• https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexual_assault#Emotional_effects
  
  
• https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Acquaintance_rape#Motivations
  
  
• Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
  
  You might also benefit from reading the Wiki on Rape Culture, so you can actively fight against it.
  
  Don't push your sister to do anything she doesn't want to do (she's had enough of that to last a lifetime) but let her know you're there to support her in any way you can. You can also find out if her school partners with Callisto, which would allow her to report without having to talk to anyone about what happened. She would be notified if he had other victims that also reported on Callisto, which would make it easier to win the case if they decide to go that route. Here's the TED talk: https://www.ted.com/talks/jessica_ladd_the_reporting_system_that_sexual_assault_survivors_want
  
  Also, RAINN is a great resource.
  
  Good luck to you and your sister.

My book list focus both on theme and authors. Obviously I went through a pretty depressed phase (hence all the deeply brooding novels). Still, I think that these female authors gave me a sense of empowerment in my young age by the sheer genius of their work. It was refreshing to read books by women I admired as well as for themes I was interested in.

• Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
  
• The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath (*journals and Ariel are also favorites)
  
• An Unquiet Mind - Kay Redfield Jamison
  
• Girl, Interrupted - Susanna Kaysen
  
• Prozac Nation - Elizabeth Wurtzel
  
• Speak - Laurie Halse Anderson
  
  And the book that taught me the most about sexuality and my body?
  
  
• The Ethical Slut - Dossie Easton
  
  In defense of this book, I am not poly-amorous. I really think every female should read it. Great advice on overcoming jealousy, loving your body, and enjoying your sexuality.

There’s a book I recommended often on Reddit. I think all young people should read it


The Gift of Fear: And Other Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence

It’s an easy read, and you can find it on audio. It covers a lot. How to deal with stalkers (and why restraining orders can make things worse). Abusive relationships, signs you could be in serious danger and what you can do to help survive.

It’ll be a more comprehensive answer to your question OP than a short armchair Reddit answer. But I can give you the gist.

Trust-your-instincts. People who abuse don’t appear as monsters, not at first. They are often funny, smart, even kind seeming. When a new relationship gets comfortable, little things may happen. Some negging, some control, little things. Things you may not like, but he’s great most of the time. Maybe he was tired or grumpy, or maybe you did something to upset him... but he loves you. He don’t mean it. Maybe he even apologizes and everything is right again.

But things escalate little by little. Maybe he tells you your friends are bad and you don’t need them. Each little argument gets a little more intense, until one day he just slaps you. He apologizes though. Maybe he even begs for your forgiveness. Says he never did that before… but you made him so mad you see. It’ll never happen again.

Until it happens again. And in time that’s the normal. These intense fights, often physical, followed with maybe an apology or something that makes you kinda remember why you stay. You’re isolate now, you haven’t seen close friends in a long time and anyone you do know, you don’t tell them everything. As bad as it can get sometimes, you love him. He’s a good guy. Sometimes you make him mad or he just takes out his anger on you. Maybe you justify it by fighting back sometimes.

All the red flags and twinges of doubt have been ignored, because you can’t possibly imagine the worst happening. Until it does.

This kinda thing can happen to anyone. Doesn’t matter how smart you are or how savvy. Anyone can get sucked in to an abuser. The key is to recognize the signs early and to put your instincts over your emotions. Listen to the inner voice that tells you to run, not the emotional voice that says it’s ok because love. Love shouldn’t make you feel like garbage or leave brushes (unless part of a mutually consensual kink done in a safe sane manner).

I’m sorry about your friend.

Good luck

I've been on a generic version of Lybrel for almost a year now. I had some break through bleeding for the first few months, but since then it's been perfect. No cramps, no bleeding, no pregnancy. No weight gain for me either. I absolutely love it and it's totally worth having to take a pill every day.

Like /u/CreakyTom mentioned, i would definitely recommend the bulk pregnancy tests. Link.

And just think of all the savings on tampons and pads!

Good on you. You showed a lot of courage in handling things yourself and not caving in when he tried to coerce you into believing you were being too dramatic, or trying to keep things too secret. Some guys try way too hard to normalize the sort of behavior that this guy was exhibiting out of fear of being perceived as similar, but it is NOT similar behavior at all.

A worthwhile book to read if you want some confirmation that you're taking the right steps is The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. He talks about the sorts of boundary-questionable behavior that problematic people engage in and how we pick up on it on a gut level.

And, yeah, guys who claim it's typical are absolutely deluding themselves and ugh. It's objectification in the truest sense to forget that a woman has her own thoughts, wishes, capabilities, and instincts for things beyond satisfying a man's sexual desire and ability to feel important/powerful.

I got a Mirena IUD in October 2010, and stopped bleeding in January. From what my gynecologist says, it's a pretty common thing.

I did have a scare a couple of years ago in college. We were using condoms, but my period failed to make an appearance one month. I also started getting really bad waves of nausea, breast tenderness, etc. so I was just SURE I was knocked up! After awhile I got up the courage to buy a test, and wouldn't you know it, 20 minutes after I took that test my period came!

Sometimes women have a little bit of irregularity in their cycles, especially if something has happened. After my scare, I bought a bunch of these and take one when I feel things are out of the ordinary. Really helps me to feel at ease, especially now that I don't have that monthly reminder.

I hope everything works out well for you! Kudos for being cautious. Here's a really excited cat for you: squee!

Your situation is complex, and other people will never know exactly how it is. My recommendation is to read this book and reevaluate it all for yourself. It saved me from years of heartache. I'm not saying it applies to your (former) relationship, but it will help shed some light on things and help you decide what to do next. Best of luck! https://www.amazon.com/dp/product-description/0767921968

I know you asked for tampon brand suggestions, but I'd also like to suggest getting a menstrual cup once you get used to tampons. They can be reused indefinitely (meaning you save thousands of dollars over a lifetime), they hold more fluid than tampons, there's no environmental waste, and they're healthier for your body. Of course, there's a learning curve, so you might need to wait until you're able to take the time to learn to use a brand like the DivaCup. However, there are also Instead Softcups, which seem similar to tampons in some ways.

I will probably get downvoted by some people for talking about cups in a post about tampons, but I just want to make sure you know all your options to help you out in the future. I'm certainly glad I found out about cups!

You said you're looking for something like a modern "Feminine Mystique," but I'm not sure what that means as regards sexuality. The Feminine Mystique didn't have a ton to say about sexuality and is rather dry.

I'd rather recommend a body-positive guide to sexuality like the classic Our Bodies, Ourselves. or The Joy of Sex: Ultimate Revised Edition. (Be sure it's the revised edition; the older edition of Joy of Sex is written from a male perspective and largely ignores the female perspective.)

Yes! Get all the American Girl books. There's a whole series on how a girl's body develops, how to deal with peer pressure, etc. Here's an Amazon link so you get an idea of what they're like. Start with this one, and get as many as you can where they are listed as "Customers who bought this also bought". I'm a female and have daughters, and I feel comfortable talking about this stuff, but it really helps if I forget to talk about something or if my kids forget what we've talked about.

p.s. You're an awesome person! Best wishes to you and your niece!

I got them so I wouldn't have to buy expensive disposable blades anymore - I also heard that they might cut down on razor burn. I have mixed reviews. I still use a disposable for my armpits because it's just too lumpy in there - you can go a million times faster using a disposable.

For my legs - the razors themselves for a safety razor are INSANELY cheap and come in bulk. The problem is - you need to go very, very slowly, even on straightaways like your legs. Press very lightly - let the movement and sharp edge do the work for you without applying much pressure at all. I learned my lesson by taking a pretty sizable strip of skin off my ankle the second time I was shaving because I tried to go too fast. The shave is very close and leaves you crazy smooth, but I do get razorburn (I have keratosis pilaris though so I don't know if there's any avoiding that). Lotion works. I have trouble with my knees, especially after the cutting incident, I'm scared of cutting myself there. Usually leave some hairs and often go over it with my disposable. And I always do have a couple tiny bloody spots afterwards that I didn't feel when I was shaving, but they're very small and go away quickly.

Bottom line - would I buy it again? Maybe. I think it's better suited for someone who shaves their legs very regularly. I shave maybe once a month or even two months, because I hate it, so making it even more time consuming is bad for me. But if I did it daily I think the safety razor would be awesome because it really cuts down on waste/cost and the shave is SUPER close so you could shave less and still have crazy smooth legs. Works pretty well in the nether regions also, actually. Just go slowly :)

Here is what I bought:

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000NL0T1G/ref=oh_details_o00_s00_i00
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B004SGKMA0/ref=oh_details_o00_s00_i01

The razor handle is good, but my boyfriend has one that is really easy to replace the blades - you twist the bottom and it opens up the top and you just pull out and plop in the new one. Mine you have to almost completely take it apart, which is dumb. Spend time looking for the one I describe where you can just easily replace the blades.

The blades are good and cheap, I spent some time reading reviews so I believe those are the best quality/price combo.

My niece hit puberty early - 9. Although she knew she could ask any question she wanted, sometimes it more comfortable to get it out of a book. We got her "The Care and Keeping of You" and I really recommend it. It goes through body hair, shaving, periods (tampons and pads), deodorant, other hygiene question, and I think it even talks about healthy foods. It's aimed towards these young girls so it's written in a way that is very easy to understand and has a lot of great pictures. It doesn't go touch on sex, but it has a lot of really good information about how to take care of your self and what can be expected.

First of all, I'm so sorry. I know the pains of not being able to eat, being anxiety ridden, on the verge of tears, and feeling like I'm going to jump out of my skin from a terrible break up. After 4 years of dating, and our last year being on and off, because I kept finding out about all of the times he had cheated on me, and the final straw was when I walked in on him making out with the town slut. I had tried to make it work, and was devastated that my efforts were just shrugged off like I was nothing.

I cried for what felt like forever, and drinking wine at night was the only way for me to get any sleep. THANKFULLY, a girl friend that I wasn't so close with at the time, but had also gone through the most traumatizing break up I've ever heard of, messaged me and said we need to meet up for beer. I did, and the first thing she did was whip out a book called, "It's Called a Break Up Because It's Broken". After she said it was by the same guy who wrote, "He's Just Not That Into You", but convinced me to read it, and I thought, what the hell, it seemed to help her to be strong after her bad break up.

LET ME TELL YOU, I laughed out loud, wept and cried, and found myself whimpering in a heartbreaking voice, "Yeah I know..." It helped me build myself back up, gave me a set of rules to follow, and I couldn't be happier that I "left" that relationship completely.

Some Key Points that I followed from the book that really helped was the No Contact for 60 Days (at the least). It goes more into detail about how to go about this, and this was always the hardest for me, since I am so stubborn, and wanted to fix the problem with the problem.

Another one is, after being sad for a little bit, you have to stop being sad and get out. That means go travel to other cities, and switch up the scene a little bit. After about 3 weeks of crying, I planned out the next three weekends to be out of town, and that was the best decision for me. The first weekend I went to Key West, FL, the next I went to see my best and oldest friend (and ended up having so much fun that I was laughing in my sleep), and then NYC to see friends up there. I met so many people, and remembered, "Oh yeah, I'm awesome, and a happy person.."

The thing that sucks about break ups the most is that it takes time. Just remember it's all so temporary, and that this you are just in the thick of it right now, but you are strong enough to get through it.

Good Luck, and please post us with any progress in the coming weeks!

http://www.amazon.com/Its-Called-Breakup-Because-Broken/dp/0767921968/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1405871724&sr=1-1&keywords=it%27s+called+a+breakup+because+it%27s+broken

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Cunt-Declaration-Independence-Live-Girls/dp/1580050751

This book is seriously helpful. Even friends reading it in their 30s have been like "Ooooh!" Highly recommend it - don't be put off by the title. Honestly you'll get more out of it than you would ever imagine :) Be gentle with yourself OP.

To the OP... and every other person reading this thread....

Please go out today and get a copy of Gavin de Becker's book, "The Gift of Fear".

The information in that book is as valuable as any strike or self-defense technique. Maybe more.

• The other book that should be required reading for anyone interested in staying alive in a worst-case scenario is "Strong of Defense".
  
  Get those books today and read them.
  
  OP, as far as your anxiety and paranoia, they are completely normal and expected. These feelings will likely fade pretty quickly. I might also suggest you look into Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for some practical strategies you can use to help you cope and conquer.
  
  I wish you well.

Interesting, that certainly seems to describe my situation. There were many times when I wanted to leave the relationship but I was told by my ex that I would never find anyone better, this was as good as it would get for me, did I really think I was worth it, "good luck with life, honey," and so on. It was pretty awful, actually.

I just checked out the book and I am intrigued but I was wondering what you think of reviews such as these?

Ok so a couple things:

1. I totally recommend you read Emily Nagoski's Come as You Are - it completely changed the way I think about sex, my sex drive, etc. I cannot recommend it highly enough.
   
   
2. It sounds like you and your husband have other issues that probably need to be addressed, such as your communication. Have you tried saying all of the stuff you shared here to him? The fact that you're having regular screaming matches needs to be addressed or to be honest, you're probably not going to want to have sex with him any time soon (given what you said about your past - your guilt is likely to consume you long before you want to just jump into bed).
   
   
3. There's always the possibility that you two aren't compatible in this. It's actually pretty much average to have sex once a week and if he can't live with that, and you can't do it more than that, that's an incompatibility you're going to have to address. Is he comfortable with other things like handjobs? Are you? Is that something you can work towards and come to an agreement about together?
   
   I'm really sorry you're going through this. My husband and I have been in a very similar situation w/r/t my sex drive (you and I have similar histories, on paper at least) but we were able to work through it with respectful conversation, confronting our wants, needs, fears, etc., and working out a solution for both of us. I hope you can, too.

It looks like others have the anatomy part detailed in their posts, but I also want to recommend a book: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1476762090/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o06_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

It goes in to great detail about body positivity and women's sexuality.

There are steps you can take to try and reduce the potential that you are assaulted. But to be clear, nothing you can do will ever prevent assault 100%.

Like, being a defensive driver can reduce the likelihood you will get in a car accident. But it can't really prevent you from getting t-boned by a car running a red light that was entirely in your blind spot, you know?

And whatever steps you take will have trade offs. You say you've been burned before, so you will likely be more cautious with new relationships, but this prevents you from forming deep bonds with other people. Part of putting yourself out there means that sometimes you do get hurt. You can certainly not put yourself out there, but then you deprive yourself of the opportunity to create new friendships and relationships. You can certainly not walk around at night or not walk around alone, but you will be depriving yourself of a moonlit walk in solitude.

People will likely tell you to get a gun, and if you do, I urge you to look into the rates of homicide and suicide of those who live in homes with guns versus without in your region. I would also urge you not to get one unless everyone you live with is okay with it, and it is okay with and covered by your insurance. It's very important that everyone living in the house is aware of it, it's also very important that you do not tell anyone else about it. Guns should live in gun safes. Their ammunition should be kept separately, and the gun should not be kept loaded. Even if your state does not require, take as much firearm training and safety as you can before purchasing and bringing a gun home.

If you feel like you are somehow responsible for your assault because you didn't take enough action before to protect yourself, know that this happening to you was not your fault, and there is likely little you could have done to protect yourself. Part of growing older is having shitty things happen to you. This was likely one of those things for you. It's great you want to learn from the experience, but please don't blame yourself for it.

As for "protecting" yourself, Carolyn Hax recommends The Gift of Fear pretty often. I haven't read it and don't necessarily agree the whole premise of the book, but it seems to be what you might be looking for.

As user Fleaslayer punted out, shaving too close can result in a hair growing askew, causing inflammation.

Always shave with the grain, not against it. Forget those multiple bladed plastic razors that are dirt cheap but shave way too close. The best shaves are done either with straight razors (which take a lot of time and resources to sharpen and maintain) or with the old double-edge blade safety razors.

The double-edge safety razors can be found used, at flea markets, or new from some sources.

http://www.amazon.com/Merkur-Long-Handled-Safety-Razor/dp/B000NL0T1G

http://www.amazon.com/Personna-Double-Edge-Razor-Blades/dp/B01F90ZOCY/ref=pd_sim_194_1/180-4371985-1279064?ie=UTF8&dpID=51KdujfMPYL&dpSrc=sims&preST=_AC_UL160_SR160%2C160_&refRID=1WY1J2YHPY92ANE9EB3Q

My husband and I have a similar issue, though he is the one whose sex drive is higher than mine. It can make it difficult for both parties each in their own way, and I'm sorry that you and your boyfriend are going through that.

I highly, highly recommend the book Come As You Are. It's about this exact problem, and it explains the science behind everything. The author also understands that either party in the relationship can be the one with the higher sex drive, and that there isn't anything wrong with either partner. Neither person is "right" or "wrong" or "sick" or whatever else our culture and media tells you about how your sex life should be.

The book is based on science doesn't just give you general advice, it's very in-depth and made me think about things in a way I never had. I don't think you can work through these issues with just common sense and random internet advice. The problem is much different than that. In order to change something like this, it is immensely helpful to understand the problem, and the book really lays it all out in a clear way.

Most advice on the internet and that you hear from other people will be to "meet halfway" and things of that nature. In my experience, this won't work. You have to understand the real nature of the problem in order to find a solution.

I can't stress enough how helpful the book was. It really helped me to understand what was going on with me and my husband both emotionally and physically, and it gives really great practical advice for how to work through any issues.

I can relate. But from the other side, I want to open up my relationship but my partner hesitates. Well when I say hesitant I mean that he is very afraid and thus sceptic on opening up our relationship.

We have talked and talked about this and I will never go outside our relationship unless I have his consent. But that means that it will be a two way street. If I can play, than he should as well. I know his hesitation lies in his fears that I might find someone "better" (his words not mine) and be more pleased with another mans penis than his. My argument is that if we would open up our relationship he would always be my man, there might be others but he is the primary. As would I be his.

Open relationship have to be built on trust. And if your boyfriend wants to play outside your relationship but not allow you the same than he does not trust you. I think you need to talk to him about this fact and see if you are an equal to him or his conquest not to be shared ( tip, this is not a good option).

If you are interested in poly-amoury or poly-sexuality than I recommend these books to check out : Ethical slut and opening up

I wish you all the best.

I saw that but I think my comment still stands. Most people don't stock up on this - they buy it when they need it and this has a short window to be effective. Plus a ton of things that are same-day prime are sold by other companies, but fulfilled by Amazon.

EDIT: Apparently name brand Plan B is available for free 1-day delivery so that's something - http://www.amazon.com/Plan-One-step-Emergency-Contraceptive-Tablet/dp/B00H2D6WUA/ref=sr_1_1?dd=PqO-uYCrrnKOYqTBwvCaXA%2C%2C&ddc_refnmnt=pfod&ie=UTF8&qid=1451868042&sr=8-1&keywords=plan+b&refinements=p_97%3A11292772011

Go for it!

I liked the comment in the other thread about pairing it with "Our bodies, ourselves" and just leave a note, "Use it or not, your choice. You can always tell me anything you need to" or something along those lines.

If your wife thinks your daughter would like to pick one out for herself, send her to Babeland with a credit card and a limit. They have awesome quality, lots of lelo, and are extremely female friendly and pro healthy sexuality.

As for all those people saying she wont learn to use her hands, bull. I could never get off with my hands until I had been using a vibrator for years. And I get off during sex just fine. A vibrator won't stunt her 'growth' and the idea smacks of 'needing to earn her way' bullshit.

The Gift of Fear is a great book that talks about exactly this! People, especially women have been conditioned from childhood that politeness trumps personal comfort/interests. This is such a good book for all women, I even got the one for parents so hopefully I can teach my kids that it's more important to be safe than polite.

I hope I can get it at the local supermarket :O I'll keep an eye out, for sure.

I think I saw someone link to a huge pack (10-packs, 20-packs, 30-packs?) on Amazon, maybe that's worth a look if you're really paranoid. Ideally, I'd get a 3-pack every time, just to be sure, because what if the first test is sorta iffy, and then the second test is really clear and then you're torn between the two results, so you should take a third one just to be sure?! My wallet doesn't allow that, though.

Edit: Found a link of a pack of 50 tests for the curious

I seriously cannot recommend this book enough, The Care and Keeping of You. It was a great reference and information source for me when I was growing up. Completely age-appropriate for 10 year old girls; that's when I was given a copy by my mum. She let me check it out and then told me that she'd be happy to talk about anything that was in it. Very low pressure, puts the control in your kid's hands :)

There are also two versions, one for younger girls (8-10ish) and one for young teenagers (12+). They address personal hygiene, development, periods, etc. in a very straightforward and positive way.

My boyfriend and I are doing just the pill for BC. If it ever makes you nervous and you want to test to make sure, use these (not the seller):

http://www.amazon.com/Wondfo-Pregnancy-Test-Strips-50-count/dp/B004AOMAOG/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1311182944&sr=8-4

I bought them and they work really well. I also absolutely love not using condoms. It feels really good to just have him inside me :)

I am not on hormonal birth control. We use condoms when I am fertile, which which is a little over a week every month. You can be as conservative with your choices (e.g. no penatrative sex before ovulation is confirmed) as you like to ensure you will not be at risk of pregnancy.

I keep track of my fertility status myself and know when I can and can not get pregnant. I use a Lady-Comp to help me do this. You don't have to spend the money on the Lady-Comp, but I find it to be helpful and worth it for me. I also highly reccomend this book, it will really help you to understand what is going on with your body and make informed decisions about it. Even if you decide you want to use birth control, I still reccomend that book.

I'm also a woman paranoid about getting pregnant. I go through the same shit, every month. FWIW, my cramps and other symptoms vary pretty wildly from month to month. I also found that as I've gotten older, my symptoms have changed. Maybe you're also going through such a change.

FWIW, /r/birthcontrol has a link to some very cheap pregnancy tests on Amazon - I bought a pack of these just to always have them on hand so if I ever feel anxious at all, I can just take a test and not worry about it any more.

The best advice I have is to maybe try one of the phone apps that help you make sure you don't miss any pills. I just started using one and it's been great for the ease of mind that I'll be nagged if I somehow forget.

It sounds like you would love this book. It's the memoir of Norah Vincent, a 5'11" androgynous lesbian who spent a year living as a man to find out what it was like. Fantastic book.

https://www.amazon.com/Self-Made-Man-Womans-Year-Disguised/dp/0143038702

There's a book called The Gift of Fear, which I often see recommended. It teaches you how to listen to your own instincts and overcome the social conditioning women get to "make nice" rather than "be rude" even to predators.

I hope this helps you. Good luck to you!

Read The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. It's all about intuition and how to use it to protect yourself -- it's pretty famous but it honestly changed my life and how I think about personal safety as a woman.

Implantation bleeding is generally very rare. If it does occur, usually it is more like spotting, not a full blown period. Also, implantation would most likely occur at the earliest a week before your next regular period.

I think it's just an irregular cycle - probably anovulatory. Most women have at least one a year.

If your period stops abruptly or just to have peace of mind, take a test after your regular period would have been due.

FWIW, I highly recommend keeping these pregnancy tests on hand even if you're practicing safe sex, but especially if you're not on birth control. You get 25 for $6 and the peace of mind is priceless.

>Okay I see, it's different here, I apologise!

It's alright, there's nothing to apologise for.

>I can understand this from your mother's perspective. Even though I was successful in seeking legal justice, it put my life on hold for years, the process was exhausting and my physical and mental health deteriorated, I was hospitalized repeatedly for physical illness and psychiatric problems - I gave birth to the man's child, and my family had to help care for her in the first few years of her life because of this.

I'm genuinely glad you are better now.

>Yeah, these services are not specialised for this purpose, which is why I think you should definitely continue to pursue some kind of assistance from local sexual assault charities and it may be worth enquiring to see if your school can assist with finding this help. They may not be able to, but it can't do harm to ask.

I'll try!

>This book was most informative to me. Also, I get the impression that you were in a relationship with this man (forgive me if I read this wrong), but I also bought and earlier edition of this book, which has helped me understand how people like this operate and how to move past it. Finally, I haven't read this one but it's very commonly recommended to abused women - Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft, I am told this is the gold standard in self-help for women who have been in abusive relationships with men.

Thanks for the resources, I was in a relationship and I'm glad I'm out of it, I hope someday I will look back and realise I learnt something or gained something from it instead of just hurt and loss. If you haven't already known so (cuz their books are so popular), I find that poetry does a job at showing us we aren't alone and that there is always hope. Poets I read from are Samantha King, Rupi Kaur, Micheal Faudet, r.h. Sin and Lang Leav. They aren't healing in the informative way but I am addicted to their poetry because of how relatable they are. They talk about heartbreak, loss, feminism, strength and sometimes assault. I don't know if it helps to heal but they are enjoyable to read, though the price of the books can be a bit...

Check out a book called Cunt: A declaration of Independence. It's a great fun to read, very sex positive and offers a contemporary re-lensing of women's issues.

http://www.amazon.com/Cunt-Declaration-Independence-Expanded-Updated/dp/1580050751

So sorry this happened to you, honey. I hope you're okay.

I want to recommend a book to you. It may save your life some day. Have a look at the Amazon page, it has a Look Inside option so you can check it out.

You can also google it and read it online, but buy a copy as well, and give it to your girlfriends.

This is Western-centred, but a lot of the main information is still exactly relevant to you.

Good luck. Don't let this creep have you living in fear.


https://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Survival-Signals-Violence/dp/0440226198

I have the perfect book. [Come As You Are] (http://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090) by Emily Nagoski, Ph.D. The book details everything about women's sexuality, from how our bodies work, to how to heal from sexual trauma, how culture and media shape our ideas about sex, and how so much of sex is tied to our mental well being (and how to increase mental health and self esteem to have a better sex life). The title suggests it's a book for spicing up sex life but it's totally not. It's half science and half therapy. Really great read.

I have a ftm tg friend...He does take hormones,but when he first started,he simply dressed as a man...

People see what they want to see and if you dress like a man,get short hair, a masculine name,they will see you as a man.

My friend also had some bottom and top surgery. Those are options as well.

This book,Self Made Man, depicts a lesbian who spent a year as a man..it's an interesting read:

http://www.amazon.com/Self-Made-Man-Womans-Year-Disguised/dp/0143038702

Regarding weapons: you don't need a license if you are in the US and you want to purchase one. If you wish to carry a firearm concealed on your person, you will probably need a license, depending on state law. This website will help you look up your state laws, as well as break down any licensing requirements.

This book has also been recommended elsewhere in the comments. Trust your instincts.

Others have recommended taking a class, and I strongly agree. This person has no right to stalk you or harass you, and you have every right to protect yourself. Having the right mindset is key.

If you're interested in fertility awareness methods, pick up a copy of Taking Charge of Your Fertility - it is THE resource. I went off HBC about 6 months ago, and have been using charting (BBT and cervical mucus) along with withdrawal (added step until my cycle regulates more, then we'll just do that during fertile days). I am in a stable relationship where I can trust my partner to comply with withdrawal. It's actually been shown to be as effective as condoms. I am 100% not trying to conceive.

Aside from the contraceptive information in the book, it is very informative about all kinds of cycle and hormonal issues. A must-read for all women in my opinion.

Congratulations! I'm glad you were able to make that decision for yourself.

You might find Why Does He Do That? to be a helpful read, even just the first few chapters. It was eye-opening for me.

You can actually read a copy here.

I'm going to give you a reading list. He gives some good tips on what to look for and how to speak up for yourself.

Eg. if a man is walking toward you or insists on helping you carry your grocery bags, the author tells you what to do and how to set your boundaries. A normal man will listen to those boundaries, a predator will keep insisting.

If you notice someone stalking you, you can also ask a security guard or an employee to walk you to your car.

You can also partner up with another woman/mother with kids. safety in numbers.

If it was me I would probably tell him off, but that assertiveness is a skill it can take some time to acquire and feel comfortable using.

​

​

https://www.amazon.ca/Gift-Fear-Survival-Signals-Violence/dp/0440226198

https://www.amazon.ca/Protecting-Gift-Keeping-Children-Teenagers/dp/0440509009/ref=pd_bxgy_14_3/134-2609707-8269027?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=0440509009&pd_rd_r=e328d520-7aa4-11e9-985f-5d3a71b469ca&pd_rd_w=IbjEI&pd_rd_wg=v5Doq&pf_rd_p=a62e2918-d998-4bbb-8337-35aac776e851&pf_rd_r=2N8KEQ6YVFF8C8ZAH5BS&psc=1&refRID=2N8KEQ6YVFF8C8ZAH5BS

Amazon seems to have the best price I've seen ($25) and free shipping here. (the link is for the smaller one, they have the same deal for both sizes though)

Read the book "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. It's enlightening. I'm so glad you left, you were being abused. Good luck on your next journey. Go heal. You deserve better! We're here for you.

Amazon link to book It's sort of cheesy, of course, but it actually helped me a lot and I passed it on to a friend who also found it helpful.

You might find the book "Come as you are" helpful.

Good luck!

I second having OP read "The Gift of Fear" . My mom made me read it when I was a teenager, and it was eye-opening and very liberating.
Plus it's a good read, not difficult or boring at all.

Please give it a look, OP. Check it out from your local library or find a pdf online.

I remember going MONTHS without it and I wasn't pregnant... it was glorious! Now, after four years on it, I barely get one. It's awesome.


Since your period can be irregular, you can invest in some of these! I did and I would do one if I was the slightest bit worried.

You need to learn to trust your feelings again. I haven't read it, but I've seen it highly recommended by others The Gift of Fear.

If you think it would hurt her if she knew, then it is probably cheating. But, I'm all about establishing rules for each relationship I'm in. I think you should talk to her and figure out the sorts of things each of you are comfortable with or not in your relationship (like dinner with opposite sex or cuddling or whatever). After you negotiate your boundaries, you will have a lot better idea what she's okay with or not. Don't ask us. We aren't part of your relationship. Even though you aren't looking for an open relationship necessarily this book might be a good read for you. It talks about making agreements and helps with communication. I think that people shouldn't have to ask others whether or not something is cheating because the people in the relationship should have discussed and established the boundaries for their relationship.

I use this one. It's nothing special aside from it has a long, textured handle where as my husband uses one with a standard, smoother handle. The longer handle is, for me, better for getting my legs and awkward bikini areas. Look around online and see what looks best. I've seen razors come with cool wooden handles and colored metals!

Keep an eye on it as it can rust and get dirty after a while (like, I don't hardly shave during the winter so come spring I might have some rust from it being in the shower unused). Just pop the blade out and put the razor in the dishwasher to clean it.

There is a really great book related to this topic called The Gift of Fear. It covers protecting yourself from this kind of behavior. I am so sorry you're going through this and the law offers so little protection from this particular variety of creep.

I cannot agree enough with this. And no need to be brave. I've been using Softcups with amazing results. The fact that my guy can't even feel it, plus that there's no mess at all, makes us two very happy campers.

First of all I'm so sorry for everything your mom went through. I wish her joy in her recovery. First book that came to mind https://www.amazon.com/Bodies-Ourselves-Boston-Womens-Collective/dp/1439190666/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1469747967&sr=1-1&keywords=our+bodies+ourselves+2015

Actually we do, soft cups. Like a menstral cup but soft, much much shallower and disposable. https://www.amazon.com/Instead-Softcups-Feminine-Protection-Count/dp/B000X29GY6

Kind of like a diaphragm but meant to collect period blood.

Spermicidal lube can cause irritation in some but you wont know until you try it. I recommend these pregnancy tests. Cheap, easy to use (though you'll want to get disposable cups or a designated pee cup), and accurate.

The book " why does he do that" is really good and can help you to not fall for the manipulations. it also gives clear guidance on how to avoid and get out of those relationships

http://www.amazon.ca/Does-Inside-Minds-Angry-Controlling/dp/0425191656

Yes to this! It's a great intro to pretty much anything that could be tricky development-wise! There's two versions: one target for girls 8-11 and one for girls 12+

I used this method as bc for about 8 years with my now husband. We didn't use an app, we used a book called Taking Charge of your Fertility and paper charts.
https://www.amazon.com/Taking-Charge-Your-Fertility-Anniversary/dp/0060881909

This book goes into all the details you need, with every question you might have. Basically, you need 3 months of tracking before it starts to make sense and you start to see the pattern in your cycle. You need to take your temperature with a basal thermometer, a regular one isn't sensitive enough. You need to take your temp after 3 hours of sleep, at the same time every day (so if you work nights, take it at noon or smt). I never woke up at 6am, my husband would stick the thermometer into my mouth, and when it beeped, I'd take it out. The temp is saved, then I'd put it onto my paper chart when I woke up later.

It sounds complicated, but honestly once you've done it for a year, you know your body so well. Even 15 years later, after having babies, I still know that if I'm on day 16, I'm ovulating and going to be cranky. 10 days after ovulation, I get my period. I notice that my sense of smell is really sensitive around day 16. Odd things like that. Patterns that you never noticed.

It is really empowering to know that everything you go through during your cycle is predictable and normal.

This book is frequently recommended, if you want to give her a reference. You can (obviously) get it on Amazon, or Barnes and Noble would have it if you want it now.

https://www.amazon.com/Care-Keeping-You-Younger-Revised/dp/1609580834

It sounds like this girl really needs to get a better understanding of how her body works. I am someone who is actively trying to get pregnant, and boy do you learn a lot in that process!

It may stop her worrying if she understands her cycle. A book that is enormously helpful in this is Taking Chart of your Fertility. It is mostly for women who are trying to get pregnant but also talks about tracking your cycle as a form of birth control. So if she tracks her cycle and you have PiV sex with a condom after she ovulates there is practically zero chance she could get pregnant. She could also stop stressing about when her period is going to come because if she knows when she ovulated she'll know when her period is going to show up. The length of time between ovulation and when here period comes is consistent. She may ovulate late in her cycle, making her think that her period is late.

Okay, it's a lot to learn and a good place for her to go if she has questions is reddit.com/r/tryingforababy . Those ladies know all the ins and outs of how a woman's cycle works.

Or... just have her go on birth control.

Read this book, it will help. Also if you're a uni student your school should have therapists on staff, go see them. Trust me on that one, it will save you a lot of pain in the future. Even if you're not most therapists will be more then willing to charge you based on a sliding scale per income.

If you want a good read (or audio book) for both you and your partner read Emily Nagoski's "Come As You Are". It explains a lot about different folks arousal levels through the dual control model and differences and strategies that help a lot. Plus, you know, science.

Okay i am intrigued! what do i need to know? are there different sizes? do i need the special wash or can i just use soap and water? can any woman use them?

here's what i'm looking at

If you do not want children, period, you should probably still use a condom as pills are not a hundred percent guarantee. If you find the level of risk is acceptable then wait until after the first month to get into a routine and see how you feel on the birthcontrol.

You're still probably gonna wanna test, for those "just in case" feelings. My suggestion is bulk pregnancy tests, http://www.amazon.com/Wondfo-Pregnancy-Strips-25-count-medical/dp/B0002YIQEQ like these to give you peace of mind.

EDIT: also the ladies at /r/birthcontrol are always there for you BC questions.

I was recently asking about good sex books in another post. Here were some of the good ones I found:

http://www.amazon.com/Our-Bodies-Ourselves-New-Era/dp/0743256115/

http://www.amazon.com/Guide-Getting-6th-Paul-Joannides/dp/1885535333/

http://www.amazon.com/Sexually-Shy-Inhibited-Womans-Guide/dp/0984057463/

http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Sex-You-Want-Inhibitions/dp/159233301X/

http://www.amazon.com/Because-Feels-Good-Pleasure-Satisfaction/dp/160529876X/

http://www.amazon.com/Complete-Idiots-Guide-Amazing-Third/dp/1592573274/

http://www.amazon.com/She-Comes-First-Thinking-Pleasuring/dp/0060538260/

OP, you are brave! Thank you for helping this poor woman.
If you read The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker he talks about the human brain and what happens when we're in a terrifying situation. I won't try to explain it other than to say that your instincts sort of take over and it's often like you're being controlled by an outside force. Like your subconscious knows what will save you/another person even if your conscious mind is too terrified to think. He is also the person who developed the Mosaic Threat Assessment which is used by police forces and experts to determine who is likely to commit a violent act. It's a free tool that anybody can use FYI. Comes in handy if you have a violent person in your life.

May I introduce you all to Softcups?! Disposable (I wash out and reuse sometimes) 8hr flexible cups like the mooncup, but you can totally get it on with em! I find I have way less cramping with them, and sometimes forget I have my period (and I don't have light ones either). Just trying to help some ladies out! My SO doesn't even notice them, sometimes I don't even tell him!

INTERNET HUGS !! <3

And you can read this : http://www.amazon.com/Its-Called-Breakup-Because-Broken/dp/0767921968 I know it seems super cheesy but it helped me a lot.

I recommend getting this book for your sister, she can look up anything she ever needs to know, lots of good common sense advice, and scientific explanations for everything.

[Our Bodies Ourselves] (http://www.amazon.com/Our-Bodies-Ourselves-New-Era/dp/0743256115)

Before he got to you, imagine how many girls shot him down immediately. Of course he thought you were going to be okay with him because you didn't. This should give you the idea that it's okay to shoot people down right away if you're uncomfortable, or even if you just want your table to yourself. Because everyone does it.

That said, I have (or had) the same problem. Sometimes my judgment lapses and I'm nicer than I should be, or for too long, or just with the wrong guy.

There's a book, "The Gift of Fear", by Gavin de Becker. Download it, read it. It's made me a much safer, albeit meaner, person but I'll take meaner and alive over nicer and a headline any day.

After a horrid break up I actually liked his other book better "It's Called a Breakup Because it's Broken. I found that advice a lot better for long term relationships.

My only issue with those two books is that it seems geared towards younger women and I felt silly reading parts of it. The overall message was helpful-especially the two author's actual experiences.

As another person said, get a double-edged razor. They're much cheaper than Dollar Shave Club and so much more badass.

This one is a top seller, and I've used it for years. I'm a man who shaves my face 2-3 times/week and sometimes shave my torso, and it'll take me years before I go through my $9 100-pack of Derby razor blades.

Why Does he do That? may be a great read for you both.

I'm so sorry you've had to live through this.

When you're ready, I have a book recommendation that I've heard helps people understand the situation you're in and get out https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656

cunt is a great book

Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski is excellent. Sciency enough, but not overwhelming.

Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/1476762090/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_hJSPzbPA9VE9B

I think a huge, huge part of the problem is a lack of good sex education in schools for teens. At 14, girls should be given extensive lessons on pregnancy, how to prevent pregnancy, and I even think they should be taught to use these kinds of cheap pregnancy tests and provided with a few to keep on hand in case they have accidental unprotected sex (condom breaks, or they're just irresponsible). I know the tests only keep for about 2 years but at least this exposes them to the existence of cheap pregnancy tests and how to use them. Many girls would probably take the strips home and use them, just to try it out. I also think they should be given a couple of Plan B type pills to keep on hand as well.

So many of these late term abortions and turnaways could be prevented with some education and elimination of stigma and shame.

Depending on how much she knows, you could look into ordering her [this American girl book](The Care and Keeping of You: The Body Book for Younger Girls, Revised Edition https://www.amazon.com/dp/1609580834/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_bjABxb7HF4TXS) or the second version of it. If you have Amazon prime you can get one day shipping for not that much more. It will tell her all the basics of what she needs to know.

Here they are! I've heard they can come up with some false positives, but when you have 50 for that cheap, it's not really a big deal to take another one. One of my roommates in college had a pack of these, we all used them at one point or another. Only thing is that they are a dip-stick method, not a pee-on method, which is actually handy and cleaner!

$22 isn't terrible if you consider what you would save in a year in tampons / pads.

Gavin de Becker's books The Gift of Fear and Protecting the Gift offer excellent insights on this topic. Despite the book titles, I've found I live with less fear by employing some of the authors tactics.

Order a crapload of pregnancy tests. Using this same one, I managed to get a faintly positive test 4 days before my expected period.

> The Gift of Fear by a guy called Gavin De Becker

It's a free Kindle read with Amazon Prime. Thanks!

To provide an example, here's an affiliate link to the same product. You can see the extra information after the //. The x's are where an affiliate code unique to that affiliate is input.


https://www.amazon.com /Other-Survival-Signals-Protect-Violence/dp/0440508835//ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&linkCode=ll1&tag=xxxxxxxxxxxxx-21&linkId=86ef58c009cc86002120eff00846c68e


However, 99% of affiliate links, especially to Amazon, are now shortened like this:

http://amzn. to/2xX3xxX

I've been reading The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker and he says at one point, if you see a woman alone just leave her alone. Even if your intent is to be friendly, the woman doesn't know that and a lot of times will be apprehensive of someone talking to her. I know I would! Like u/sunkissedinfl says below, do it where it's expected. If someone says something to me on the street they'll get a brief acknowledgement and my unbroken pace to keep walking away from them. If I'm at a party or a social event, I'm there to party and socialize so come up and talk to me if I don't talk to you first.

I do highly recommend this book as a bit of insight into what is expected of women vs. what we're allowed to do and not come off as a bitch. If I engage in an effort to be polite it could be considered an invitation that I do not intend to convey. If I don't acknowledge - which is my right as a person - then I'm a bitch. It's a slippery slope we get to slide all over every day.

Incase you are interested, amazon sells them too a a very cheap price. http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00H2D6WUA?ref_=smi_www_rcol_go_smi&%2AVersion%2A=1&%2Aentries%2A=0&pldnSite=1

I had a bad time with BCPs as well (irregular spotting throughout my cycle, despite trying several kinds over 5 years). My husband and I then exclusively used condoms (SKYN brand are great!).

I'm currently tracking my basal temperature and cervical fluid/position while trying to conceive, but I really like knowing what is happening with my body throughout my cycle. I will likely continue using it as birth control (with condom backup during fertile times) between kids and afterward.

It might be an unconventional option, but check out the book Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Emily Oster.

Also, pick up The Gift of fear by Gavin de Becker sometime and read it, it's interesting and talks about how important your gut instincts are.

My Diva Cup was $23 on Amazon... Where are you getting them that they're $40? o.o

EDIT: http://www.amazon.com/Diva-Cup-Model-1-Pre-Childbirth/dp/B000FAG6X0/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1334764484&sr=8-1 $26 free shipping, if anyone is looking for one!

33 cents a test!

If you need to test often for whatever reason (I did not get a period on Mirena so I took a monthly test just to be sure), these guys are awesome! They're just as accurate as the others, but they don't have the fancy outer casing.

I suggest getting her the book Our Bodies, Ourselves. I gave my copy to my younger sister for one of her birthdays :)

I found CUNT to be a particularly interesting read.

I've heard good things about this book.

Even better: https://www.amazon.com/Wondfo-Pregnancy-Strips-25-count-medical/dp/B0002YIQEQ/ref=sr_1_4_a_it?ie=UTF8&qid=1504660187&sr=8-4&keywords=wondfo

I like The Guide to Getting it On and also Our Bodies, Ourselves, if you're looking for books.

If someone hasn't recommended this book already, let me suggest Our Bodies, Ourselves. It's a hugely helpful resource for tons of women's issues and is one book every woman should have.

Probably our bodies ourselves. It's been years since I read it, but I'm pretty sure it included dick pics.

You can get pretty cheap pregnancy tests online. If it would set your mind at ease, order some.

http://www.amazon.com/Wondfo-Pregnancy-Test-Strips-50-count/dp/B004AOMAOG/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1311182944&sr=8-4

Buy in bulk and keep your mind at ease.

I used these while trying to conceive:
http://www.amazon.com/Wondfo-Combo-Ovulation-Pregnancy-Strips/dp/B00RY8UBNC/ref=sr_1_1_s_it?s=hpc&ie=UTF8&qid=1458407868&sr=1-1&keywords=wondfo

You can get just the pregnancy ones as well:
http://www.amazon.com/Wondfo-Pregnancy-Strips-25-count-medical/dp/B0002YIQEQ

These are the exact same items that some doctors/clinics will use in their office. It's a little messier than the ones you can get over the counter because you need to pee in a cup that you can dip the strip in but that's not a big deal IMO.

Edit: side note, the ovulation predictor strips worked, I had my little bundle of poopy on 2/17. It was nice to have a bunch of pregnancy tests though so every month I could go through one or two when I got impatient.

I had similar issues to yours. So I decided to use no hormonal birth control.
Instead, I bought this book, and started tracking my cycle. I haven't had a single pregnancy scare, and I have no side effects. I also like the feeling of knowing the rhythms of my body. I know this won't be a good option for a lot of people, but I figured I'd leave it as a suggestion anyway :]

I hope you see this one, but I've seen this book recomended several times from women who have experienced situations like yours and worse.

It's about where that creepy icky feeling comes from and why it's important that you pay attention to it.

http://www.amazon.com/The-Gift-Fear-Gavin-Becker/dp/0440226198

Not sure if this violates any rules, but plan B is available through amazon. I try to mention it whenever applicable, so pass it on if you want: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00H2D6WUA

Please read http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656

But stranger danger is scare tactic and not really all that effective or accurate so it's not really taught anymore.

Most people will have to talk to strangers, and not all of them are the real enemy and it doesn't teach between the two. The move it towards teaching them which are a good choice and even towards trusting your gut and tricky people.

That said, I agree it's important to aware of people at any age. And that this has red flags, and it was important to pay attention to those as the OP did.

To that end, I think Gavin de Becker's work on fear should be more widely read, including The Gift of Fear.

> You can also buy 'em in bulk on-line dirt cheap from China, too.

Yep, the [Wondfo]
(https://www.amazon.com/Wondfo-Pregnancy-Strips-25-count-medical/dp/B0002YIQEQ/) tests are really well reviewed and dirt-cheap ($0.50 a test or less depending on how many you buy.) But if you just need a test or two, or can't afford $12 upfront, the dollar store's the way to go.

Isn't it so cool that all of this personal health information is quickly becoming more accessible to us?

If dropping hints doesn't work then you need to work on being more assertive.

"Hey, I'm really busy and can't chat"

"Hey, I have a lot of work to do and these chats throw me off"

I think you can say these things with an friendly tone, but still be assertive.

Also don't ever be apologetic for having an uneasy feeling about someone. Trust your gut, it's signaling you for a reason.

eta: OP, to combat the other pretty ignorant post which implies that you are overreacting and would be "a massive dick" for saying anything... check out this book, called The Gift of Fear. There is a biological reason that certain people make you feel uncomfortable.

It's called a break up because it's broken.

Buy it, read it, know that the reason you feel sad is for the guy you loved and trusted, not for the guy who lied to you and flirted with other girls because you were "on a break".

You are probably fine, but it sounds like you are getting a little crazy over this. There is an easy solution. Keep them in your drawer. Use them whenever you feel a freakout coming.

Plan B is $33.99 on Amazon.

http://www.amazon.com/Plan-Emergency-Contraceptive-Tablet-Contains/dp/B001BKRG46/ref=pd_sim_121_3?ie=UTF8&dpID=413oFci1JAL&dpSrc=sims&preST=_AC_UL160_SR160%2C160_&refRID=1GC62JYBDTNVGETY1385

OR

$38.50 and Prime eligible

http://www.amazon.com/Plan-One-step-Emergency-Contraceptive-Tablet/dp/B00H2D6WUA/ref=pd_bxgy_121_2?ie=UTF8&refRID=0PBQ6H6AAGXC2KJTRW6E

Here's an amazon link!

https://www.amazon.com/Other-Survival-Signals-Protect-Violence/dp/0440508835/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1504112295&sr=8-1&keywords=the+gift+of+fear

You can buy the same pregnancy tests used in hospitals on Amazon for $.33 each!

You can get pregnant during your period because it's possible to ovulate before your menstrual bleeding stops. This is more common in women who have very short or irregular cycles. In rare cases, a woman can release two eggs in one cycle, but this typically happens within a short window of time.

Source: Taking Charge of Your Fertility (highly recommended, even if you use other forms of birth control).

Trust your gut. There's an entire book called "The Gift of Fear" that talks about how your gut feelings are telling you important information that can protect you.

I don't know why you're getting downvoted. Apparently you're supposed to ignore what your brain and body are telling you and get yourself alone with someone who has set off multiple alarm bells. Let me list them.

• 20+ years your senior
  
  
• calls you pet names even though you don't know each other
  
  
• didn't take no for an answer
  
  
• seems to be asking for one-on-one time with you even though he's married and you don't know him (or his wife?) beyond pleasantries
  
  That all screams "You in danger, girl."

They have it on Amazon. Does that count?

I am told Plan B keeps for four years, and it's available on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Plan-One-step-Emergency-Contraceptive-Tablet/dp/B00H2D6WUA

>That being said, my friend's (and many of the relationships I hear talked about here on 2X and elsewhere on Reddit) relationship is not physically abusive.

NakedCave, I'm sorry. I should not have insinuated that the relationship your friend is in is physically abusive. That was irresponsible of me and I do apologize.


>I do understand the reasons my friend is still in this relationship are very complicated. I understand why she feels she needs to pursue counseling.

I have a good friend who, after thirteen years of abuse, still insisted on giving counseling a try before finally throwing out his boyfriend out of the house. It's very, very difficult to cut those emotional ties sometimes when you've invested so much time in someone


>But, I can't stand the fact that she has spent so much of her life being treated terribly by him and now she is prolonging it.


That is frustrating.

This is a long shot, but you might get a copy of Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft. Bancroft worked for fifteen years with abusive men of various stripes (not just physically abusive, but mentally/emotionally abusive), and he really gets into the mindset of the abuser. Your friend might recognize some of the behaviors described in her partner.


> I also feel that a lot of women out there stay in terrible relationships (not specifically abusive) much much longer than they should and I wanted to throw my two cents in (and vent).

Oh, absolutely, we've all seen that. I just have to prompt myself remember that women aren't always as free to leave as many people think. Your friend might be, of course, but in general there are often circumstances like I listed above.

I wish the best for you and your friend. I hope things go well for her, whatever happens.

Ugh, tell me about it. I'm gonna put a link to the book here because I honestly believe everyone should read it. They should teach all of this in fourth grade or something. There's so much we aren't taught about our bodies!

http://www.amazon.com/Taking-Charge-Your-Fertility-Anniversary/dp/0060881909/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1321827479&sr=1-1

Self made man by Norah Vincent

"Our Bodies Ourselves"
https://www.amazon.com/Bodies-Ourselves-Boston-Womens-Collective/dp/1439190666/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1492052773&sr=8-3&keywords=our+bodies+ourselves

cunt

Here you go!

I just bought these yesterday. I haven't used them before though.

Diva Cup

I am trying mine out for the first time right now. So far, so good.

http://www.amazon.com/Wondfo-Pregnancy-Test-Strips-50-count/dp/B004AOMAOG

i use these