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Thank you for responding. I do have someone now that I love and trust and that treats me with respect, we are just going through a tough time and were discussing separating (our 4 yr old has Autism and it is very stressful to balance everything).
I swore I would block him, no access, no explanation, goodbye, or closure.
Then, the last thing I did (I know it was dumb after the fact) was tell him that I should have walked away when he told me he had lied and he WAS seeing someone exclusively. I apologized to HIM for HIM lying to me. I feel like such a fool now but thank GAWD for the internet. I found that their was a book called: http://www.amazon.com/Mr-Unavailable-Fallback-Girl-Understanding/dp/1450540392
and I didn't even read the book, just clips from the 2nd edition, and it all made so much sense that I could FINALLY see that it was my own self esteem that kept driving the responses.

It has been 2, almost 3 days since my little "walk away" message, to which he responded he was "sorry". I still have that pit in my stomach...like I want him to try and contact me just so I can go out on my own terms. But, like you said...giving him NO access IS my own terms. I kept my heart guarded for so long, and I used to refuse his advances and flirt chat. But something about this year made me realize I hadn't heard from him in a LONG time and I excused trying to hunt him down as "making sure he was ok and happy". Pffffft. I set myself up for that one.

I found him through LinkedIn and it started off chatting, talking about meeting up (he is, luckily 4+ hours away) but then it got to "old times" and before I knew it I sent him a picture of my in lingerie I had bought 10 years ago WITH him. #1 because I have worked really hard to get my body to wear it is and I'm proud and get no recognition other than from people who haven't seen me in a long time, but also #2 because I was trying to tempt him. And I ended up exposing myself and walking away with nothing. It's totally degraging.
How do you "Guard" your heart? Maybe I live with my emotions on my sleeve too much or maybe I just jump into old bad habits because that is all I know with him, but I just can't seem to close the door AND LOCK it.

I would love to chat, I am sorry that you have been through this too. No one deserves to be treated this way and I need to stop convincing myself that I can turn the tables and be the one in control. I can't believe that 15 years have gone by and my heart still sinks when I think of this guy. Does it ever end?

XOXO and thanks again for sympathizing.

Your boyfriend was extremely cruel to you. I don’t believe you need to be better. I’ve been in similar situations, and it sucks to be the person who is trying while the other is disengaged, dishonest and disdainful. I truly believe you deserve better, but I understand that life is imperfect for many of us.

I will say that the following site and book helped me think about and calibrate my situation and what behavior I’d accept from people: https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-blog/

This book described my power dynamic even in a “steady” relationship: https://store.baggagereclaim.co.uk/product/mr-unavailable-and-the-fallback-girl/

I don’t think the blogger who maintains the site is a certified therapist, but she’s real and gives good perspective and advice IMO. She offers paid consults as well. Among the most useful advice she gives is about boundaries.

After i started reading her blog, i began to try to understand why my behavior around boundary setting was so fitful. That led to a book called Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejectin... https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00TZE87S4/ref=cm_sw_r_sms_c_api_i_rlOzCbF2XNC0T

... which helped to lead me to a subreddit i do find very helpful: raisedbynarcissist.

Have a wonderful nighr!!

Did he acknowledge that he remembered it was your anniversary?

Did you tell him that you had some surprises in store for him for your anniversary?

What everyone is saying is

DO NOT MAKE ASSUMPTIONS.

COMMUNICATE.

I have been married to my husband for 10 years and we have been together for 16! I am 32 years old so we have been together half my life already!. We have had our ups and downs. What got us in trouble 99.9% of the time was poor communication. Him thinking one thing, or me thinking one thing. Me making assumptions that I later found were wrong. Him having expectations for me that were left unsaid but he held in contempt. (sounds alot like you)

Please talk to him, I am sure he is in the dark about how you are feeling at this moment.

> Of course I said it was ok, it is also your birthday and if that's what you want to do on your birthday who am I to be the bitch that didn't let you get your way.

Why Lie and say it is OK when obviously it is not OK. Your SO is the person you should feel most comfortable being honest to. You would not come across as a bitch to voice your unhappiness especially so since this is your anniversary. He would be a real dick if after you being honest with him, he still leaves and goes plays poker. But you let him go and he had no clue how hurt you were.

Some really good reads I would suggest.

Five Love Languages

Lies at the Altar

I see your perspective, but you should also see his. Does he even have a clue? What's your idea of quality time might not be his. Are you guys even speaking the same "love language"? (for real good book)

Birthdays and Anniversaries are celebrated, I always ask my hubby what he wants, or I at least tell him I have a surprise in store to give him the heads up. I no longer (in my younger days yes) make silent assumptions about things of this nature. It just ends up with hurt feelings, disappointments and misunderstandings.

The exhaustion and drainage you feel is the proof - the receipt, as it were - of the strength you have at your command.

If you need to do anything, you need to find a means of recharging that strength without having to worry about the ugliness submerging you while you rest & recuperate. At the risk of sounding trite, Julia Cameron's The Artist's Way has a laundry-list of methods of recharging one's creative batteries, most if not all of which are transferrable skills when it comes to recharging one's mental health. Found this of interest too.

Fingers crossed in your favour...

Nope. You have a unique challenge - save other people's lives.

You and only you could talk to someone like me - a recovering alcoholic - and show me why i shouldnt drink again.

That will save lives.

This book by ex SEAL who saw some shit, did some shit, is about how to live with unforgivable guilt.


“People who think you weak will offer you an excuse. People who respect you will offer you a challenge.” (112)

Resilience Eric Greitens book here

I hope you are staying with us.

I'd suggest the new cord get a good spray of Bitter Apple Spray. Do NOT get this stuff on your hands.

Look's like it is.

Check out this book on Amazon or your local library.

https://www.amazon.com/Dont-Want-Talk-About-Overcoming/dp/0684835398

he is on amazon! here is a link backscratcher

(i feel like this is piece was a giant ad but i promise it wasn’t, i was just feeling particularly angry in the moment)