Top products from r/abuse

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Top comments that mention products on r/abuse:

u/purelyparadox23 · 2 pointsr/abuse

I'm so sorry for what happened to you. I was also emotionally abused by my mom and I know how deep that pain runs, it comes up in all sorts of places you don't realize or expect it to. It effects just about everything, really. People might tell you to shake it off but the reality is that to some extent it never goes away, it's always going to be a part of you. Or rather it's something that will always be missing - the experience of having a loving and supportive mom - and telling you to get over it is just as helpful as telling someone with a missing limb to grow it back.

But the good news is that it's only a part of you, it's not all of you. It might not be something you can completely erase and it might make certain things harder for you than for others, but it's something that can certainly be managed and improved on. It does take a lot of time and work, however.

If you are not already seeing a therapist or counselor I would strongly recommend that you go to one asap. Your college should have free counseling services on campus so that would be a good place to start looking. Another thing I've found helpful is that my therapist gives me a chapter from the Self-Esteem Workbook every week (I'll post the link to it on amazon at the bottom). It's just a nice eli5 way of learning about building healthy self-esteem which, unfortunately, people like you and me did not learn the basics of as children. I'll also note that therapy can sometimes be enlightening, sometimes stagnant, and sometimes take you to really dark and difficult places, but I promise it's worth it for all that you'll learn about yourself.

I am still working through my abuse but it's getting better, and I am learning a lot. I've been seeing a therapist for over a year now (I'm 27) and I wish I started seeing one a long time ago. I have an extremely hard time forming and maintaining relationships with other women because, well, mom, but I am very happy that I chose a female therapist because it's helping me to trust in fellow females a little bit more. Something I would like to do but have not done yet is join a women's support group. I think a big chunk of my wellbeing would be improved by the ability to have close female friendships, and if this is the case for you too, practice opening up to other women would be huge. Opening up to other people in general is important but be careful with guys. When I was your age I was way more inclined to open up to guys because I was more comfortable around them, but learned that I got taken advantage of this way pretty quick. Make sure that the guys you're opening up to are not just looking for an easy sex buddy, because while there are guys who will genuinely love and care about who you are as a person, there are also shitty ones who pick up on your vulnerability and trick you into doing all the work while they get to be lazy and suck your energy dry. You don't need to be closed off, but just take note of whether a guy is being patient/respectful/really trying to get to know you or if he is laying on the flattery and rushing you to bed. Also the amount of time and effort he puts in is a big one. He can tell you all day how much he's into you but is he there by your side when you need him? That is what makes a good partner.

Anyway, that is the best advice I have to offer. I'm not even that much older than you but a lot changes in 6 years, hell even 2 years have held big changes! You're still pretty young and I know that when I first started college that was the first time I lived away from home and stepped back from all the abuse. That was when it all hits you like "wow, I have been seriously living in hell all that time." So just remember you're still reeling and collecting yourself, everything up until now has been survival mode. These are the years when your identity will really start to form and you will be able to figure out what you actually like and dislike without your mom controlling everything. Some of the best experiences for me have been simply doing things by myself, going out to eat at restaurants alone for the first time, bringing a book with me as my "date," treating myself to little day trips, etc. Just follow your interests and do little things for yourself for you to enjoy, your identity will show itself to you through doing those things.

Ok, final thought! You mentioned apologizing about every little thing, and I take it that you grew into being a people pleaser because of your abuse, as did I. Here are a few new rules to try and live by: 1) Resist apologizing all the time. Whenever you have the urge to, stop and think about what you are actually apologizing for, and whether it even warrants an apology. 2) Practice saying NO to people. This was a big one for me, because I was raised to feel obligated to please everyone. Boss asks you to come in on your day off? You have a right to say NO. Flaky friend asks you to go out of your way for them? NO. Creepy guy asks you for your number? NO. That little word is about the most liberating thing in the world.

I hope some of this was helpful. You're not alone and things will get better if you work at it a little each day, and don't be afraid to ask people for help when you need it. You don't have to be strong all the time, we all need a little bit of help now and then. Hang in there and good luck!

Edit: Wording

https://www.amazon.com/Self-Esteem-Workbook-Glenn-Schiraldi-PhD/dp/1626255938/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1541564670&sr=8-3&keywords=the+self+esteem+workbook

u/pudimdequindim · 1 pointr/abuse

no problem! let me explain, but first do some research about the 5 love languages, it seems to me that the way you show love is through physical affection, maybe you can explain it to her and also find out why she doesn't like it?

but about the nonviolent communication thing, well sure it's just a book so you need to do all the work, but it offers a new perspective. i used to get angry at people all the time, thinking that they are doing things to hurt me, taking things personally and that made me really mad and hurt, this book changed my views on the situations, to not focus on me, but to try to listen to what the other person is trying to tell me, like for instance if i schedule going out with a friend and that friend cancels at the last moment that would have made me super sad and even mad, but now i understand it has nothing to do with me, maybe their anxiety prevented them from going out, maybe they are going through some other stuff. also during arguments we tend to take things personally, and say things in a way that just creates more hurt, the book can help you learn how to say things in a better way for both people, so that you can convey what you're trying to say in a clearer and less violent approach.

even if you don't want to read the book, take a look at the sample, or even the reviews on amazon. https://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-Language-Life-Changing-Relationships-ebook/dp/B014OISVU4/ref=tmm_kin_title_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

u/DrAudz · 3 pointsr/abuse

I definitely see this as abuse. One book that might help is: The Hidden Abuser: Learn to Recognize Subtle Abusive Behavior.

It talks about different types of emotional and verbal abusive tactics, many of which you mention above. If you are unsure but want to learn more, you can also visit a women’s or domestic violence shelter near you. They can give you the tools you need to make a decision for yourself, they provide free counseling, risk assessments, safety planning and can help you escape/find new housing. They don’t force you to do anything you don’t want to do. Also, a lot of them offer free legal advice from lawyers.

the Hidden Abuser

u/Aanonymousnarc · 2 pointsr/abuse

Have you heard of a book by Lundy Bancroft? “Why does he do that? Inside the minds of Angry and controlling men?”
book Lundy Bancroft
He is an expert on abusive relationships. When i left my situation it helped me to much to read his book and understand the tactics that are used to keep us trapped in that cycle. Also, he describes different types of abusers and the ones who are most dangerous and most likely to get very violent when you leave. What happened with me is I had had enough. I was tired enough. I was scared enough. It was almost just survival. The last fighting part of me gave me the strength to leave. But.. i will say beforehand there were certain steps i took. Like you asking this on here. That’s a step. I started reaching out for help. I went to our local crises center that has a great program called the abused persons program and i forced myself to go there and speak to a counselor. I was gut level honest and told her i was there to say what was happening to me and that I knew that my ex could/ would kill me. I wanted someone to know who it was if i was killed, I also said I knew i wasn’t ready to leave him. But i was hoping that i would get more strength from coming there. I did. One night after a particularly scary incident where he held a knife to my throat for hours. Basically held me hostage, i decided that was it. I drive over to the crises center and said i was ready to press charges. They had an arrangement with local law enforcement where you went to a special domestic violence centered place to do it so it didn’t have to be a male police officer in just a reg station. I did it and I followed through. All the way through a full jury trial and testifying against him. I knew the statistics that the majority of women drop charges and go back. Or don’t follow through. I decided I was going too. So,I did. I was told he was very dangerous by sex/homicide detective but I accepted that and I knew I was going to do what I needed to do. It sounds like if he is injuring you that badly it has escalated to a dangerous level. I was there too. I knew he was likely to kill me if i stayed. So I had nothing to lose. I got help even before I was ready to leave. I educated myself about the abuser personality, and my part in it. I learned about the cycle of abuse and how there is always the honeymoon period where the abuser “woos you back.” After the abuse episode. It made me come out of my denial. I basically took little tiny steps. Bc that was all i could do.. but they added up until i could leave.