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> i hope that your tinder match comes through. she sounds like a satisfying time in many ways

We talked for a half hour on the phone tonight. We kind of let our hair down, each behaving with a bit of abandon, not fearing the other's inner criticism. Amazingly she cursed a lot, but in a dignified fashion somehow. I'm still unsure what she thinks of me, but I think it was good that neither of us was on pins and needles. A good sign; a basis of trust.

> you & i are likely in same age bracket, 40s?

I'm in my 50s but look 5-10 years younger. I listen to metal and post-rock and live in Bushwick, the so-called Brooklyn "cutting edge slacker hipster art world center" haha (though they think I'm an oldster and call me sir, which I hate). But OTOH, I don't really "belong" in the social milieus where most of my high school and college peers ended up (variously, country clubs, gated communities, upper echelon urban professional circles, farms in the middle of the nowhere). But in any case, you and I do seem similar in outlook.

>My mentality is likely different from other women my/our age. once i divorce, i won't eagerly seek an 'ultimate partner' (already found it, but alas, unavailable). is there such a thing?

I think that's smart. I could discuss the query "is there such a thing?" for hours—but not here, not now. It's something I've thought a great deal about, starting around 1977.

>the secrecy is difficult for me, too, though SO and I practice polyamory of sorts, we're not out about it. one of our rules is 'the child knows nothing, meets nobody', and i'd like that to change simply because i hate lying to her about who i'm spending time with or talking to via phone. and lying to her caregivers about why i'm going out of town for a week for work, when actually i'm meeting AP. and my APs/Bfs don't seem real or authentic if i'm keeping them secret.

Yes, all those issues together, ouch, that's complicated and burdensome. I can understand why it's beginning to wear on you.

> how is it that you've practiced poly previously but not in this relationship? and that's not an option? i didn't go through to look at your comment history and don't know if this is something you've touched on before.

I just don't have the time for poly anymore; that was a bit of sea change when I turned 40 and became a more committed artist. As far as my SO, when I met her, she had half a dozen sex partners. For awhile there was a discussion of joining another couple for a weekend of fun, but we determined that I might potentially get jealous to the point of feeling hurt. (It didn't help that the woman I was in love with was banging seven other guys and that it was taking months for her to see how much I loved her.) I don't like my jealous side, but sometimes it's there.

I think a more interesting question would be to challenge me on something I wrote earlier: "QuirkyGuy, just what the hell did you mean by meta-poly?"

In the late 70s I lived in a small west coast town among a tight social circle committed to the polyamory tenets of the short story "The Persistence of Vision" in the book of the same name by John Varley. Although the novella is ostensibly about navigating the transcendent, as well as exploring the question of whether physical disabilities can free people, the setup is that the protagonist of the story visits a community of completely polygamous/polyamorous people to learn more about how they live.

They have "transcended" jealousy by instituting the following practice: whenever someone gets jealous for some reason, feeling that they're not getting enough sex (or love), the rest of the community descends upon the person, usually most of them naked, and the group makes love to the jealous person until the jealousy just melts away. There are some other very sexual details to the story that make it quite the enjoyable romp, but I don't want to give the whole thing away.

In this town that I lived in, we were committed to these tenets—if not completely in practice, then certainly in theory as well as in the spirit of things. For example, if a woman came to visit me and I didn't have time for her because I had to study, my roommate was usually there to make love to her. If I was feeling extremely lonely on a particular night, TWO women would come to visit me and stay the night. But the circle has to be very tight, and all the members well versed in the basic tenets and intents of this lifestyle, for it to work. When a new member joined the circle, we usually initiated them by having a slumber party and reading the entire novella aloud to them during the night while we cuddled and caressed them.

I've always believed that this was in some way philosophically and ultimately different (i.e., more supportive and healing) from the way most groups (I have known about) practice polyamory, and especially different from the lais·sez-faire, free-wheeling practices of NYC sex clubs like Trapeze.

I cannot recommend the book, "His Needs, Her Needs" by Willard Harley enough... Incredible.. as I started reading it I was like WOW.. this is so accurate! Amazing.. .Its a book about the fundamental needs of men and women.. and its written with specifics and a frankness I have not seen elsewhere.. give it a try.. seriously.

https://www.amazon.com/His-Needs-Her-Building-Affair-Proof/dp/0800744233

I am sort of in your situation.. I've been married almost 20 years.. two kids, 17 and 15.... many people would consider me to be the "perfect husband" in that I provide for the family, i'm more or less a "super dad".. i'm fit, funny, intelligent.. treat my wife well..

over the years, though our marriage went to crap. It basically sounded like your's.. My wife became my 'business partner', really only initiating conversation to give me commands or to complain about something.. She had no desire for sex and told me so, directly.. she gained a ton of weight.

I wasn't perfect either.. I started a friendship with a girl half my age who used to be in my youth group that I lead.. she came back to our area after going away to college and asked me for some advice, etc.. we started texting and one thing lead to another and we had a mini affair.. I'll call it "mini" because we never slept together but we did kiss a few times, but mostly it was just conversation all day, every day via texting.. we just loved chatting with each other.. the very thing that my wife and I didn't share..That's the only "affair" I've ever had

anyway, my wife eventually found out about it.. things blew up.. We started going to a marriage counselor and I found that book by Harley... i wish I had found it 10 years ago... its truly an amazing book and could have saved us a TON of problems... It may be too late now for us.. .we'll see... but I would definitely recommend that book...

Yes. I go back and forth all the time. I already asked for a divorce about 3 months ago...then SO wanted so much to work on things. Now, it feels like the whole situation is much better (much improved DB), but it's not like the rest of our marriage is awesome either. We've been together for 26 years...and even though I would be completely financially OK if I left, I still feel too much in limbo to commit to leaving again. If only my SO were HALF as awesome as my LDAP. What's really fucked up is that my LDAP and I are so much in love...and I don't want to lose him...so I feel like if I stay with SO, LDAP and I can still be together...but if I opt for divorce, LDAP won't be enough for me and I will have to say goodbye. LDAP won't leave his wife.

I just ordered a book from Amazon:

Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by- Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether Stay or Get out Your Relationship https://www.amazon.com/dp/0525940693/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_BRCYCb9G23B66

I'm hoping it helps me get some much-needed clarity.

Good luck.

If it means anything, this isn't abnormal - or perhaps it is, but I'll get to that.

Part of the reason I cheat really isn't about the sex, it's about the power derived from it - knowing that the mom I was with chose to be with me instead of her husband or her children. I think what I truly adore is taking something beautiful - vows, a mother's love, and destroying it simply because I can.

As I write this, I'm sitting in a small apartment that I use as an office in one of my properties. One of my lovers is asleep in bed after a night of fucking. I'm about to go to the gym. When I come back to the office, odds are she will have made me breakfast - it can be a good life sometimes.

Last night I choked her with a necktie as I fucked her ass - and then we held each other lovingly as we both drifted to sleep. I treated her like a whore and a painslut. I gave her what her goofy loser husband never could. But before we slept, she was showing me some pictures of her last overseas business trip with her husband and children. And I got to see her smiling husband and smiling teenage child and briefly wondered if the child would go to college and become a dirty painslut like her mother.

Because, you see, I like to win too, and I always win. You and I may be cut from the some cloth. You may get off on knowing that you are desired above all others. Is it normal? No, not to 98% of the population... but you may be different like me. So I wouldn't worry that much. It may be normal for people like us.

Read ["The Sociopath Next Door"] (http://www.amazon.com/Sociopath-Next-Door-Martha-Stout/dp/0767915828) it may open your eyes to your true potential in life.

> She (OW) wasn't and isn't a she-devil.
---
> And I can see the evil she has towards me in her heart.

I think you need to decide (internally) whether you're going to demonize the OW or not. Honestly, though, you're clearly in a lot of pain. Focusing on the OW in any way is not going to help. Trying to empathize with the OW is not going to help, unless claiming that you understand her pain is going to make you feel better. Go no-contact and focus on yourself.

You can work to heal yourself, you can work with your husband to heal your relationship if that's desired on all sides; but you can't control the OW, you can't control your husband or force him to change. You both have to want to have a healthy relationship, and you both have to do your own work for it.

As a random aside, check out The Languages of Love. I'm going to guess you and your husband speak very different love languages. Your husband may reject trying to delve into something like that, but it may help you personally to help with how you move forward. Then head over to /r/survivinginfidelity, because frankly /r/adultery is not the place for you.

Your not the only one. https://www.amazon.com/Sex-Starved-Wife-What-When-Desire/dp/0743266277
I don’t say no to my husband but he mostly wants it on the way to work first thing in the morning it’s a hit and run. I tried playing dominant as a fun way to ask for what I needed and he said I was bossy. Find a friend with amazing fingers.

Your husband's reaction is not unusual, but what is unusual is his continued resentment over three years. Usually, harboring that much bitterness leads to a rapid deterioration of the marriage until it is unsalvageable. How did he catch you? What were the circumstances of you being discovered? And how emotional did the affair become?

There's a great book I recommend for partners learning to forgive their unfaithful spouses, entitled (interestingly) "After the Affair":

https://www.amazon.com/After-Affair-Healing-Rebuilding-Unfaithful/dp/0062122703/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1474551400&sr=8-1&keywords=after+the+affair

But bottom line, we are here to support you. Your husband either can, or cannot, accept who you are. There's no going back - there is only moving forward.

Please, tell us more about what happened.

You must order this book about female ejaculation.

Biologically most women can.

You can thank me later :)

OP, I know exactly what you are describing. ^^This is how most of us deal with this situation if we feel guilty, by repressing it. /u/Philandrasarus has it right down below, try to calm yourself down, but if you are as worked up as you sound, you should probably not wait nearly that long to find a therapist to speak to. A good therapist will be completely unbiased, unjudgemental, and will help you talk through what YOU want. I can also recommend this book, someone very close to me actually recommended it to me when my shit started started to go down.

And then there's the community here. You will get lots of answers for how we all deal with adultery, no one of them will work for every person or every situation obviously, I think it's important to bring that up every once in a while.

The Guardian didn't do the research, they're reporting about someone talking about it.

The guy making the claim is Head of Department and Professor of Behavioural Science in Psychological and Behavioural Science at the London School of Economics and Political Science, who recently wrote [this book](http://www.Happy.com/ Ever After: Escaping the Myths of the Perfect Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/0241284449/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_7o56CbJB2BKZ6).

I think you should upgrade his morning library trip with new material. I recommend https://www.amazon.com/She-Comes-First-Thinking-Pleasuring/dp/0060538260

Sometimes it takes a different perspective to get the message home. I learned some new tricks from the book myself! :-)

https://www.amazon.com/Nuts-Bolts-Life-William-Invention/dp/0750928964 << one of my absolute favourite books. Fascinating in every way.

Here's what you need to do....find some time in your schedule 2 maybe 3 days and go away. Tell your family and friends you need time off and to not come looking for you until a week has passed. Leave your cell phone, leave your computer, leave your iPad, all of it behind. Get in your car and drive far away. Pack a backpack,maybe some fishing gear and drive. Drive you think you've gone far enough.


Once you're there go into the woods or the park or the lake sit and enjoy the view. Talk, actually talk and make conversations with strangers and passerbys. Take in the scenery, go fishing. Just unwind and let your mind wander. Talk to yourself and address your problems. I highly suggest you read this book

Read that book, "Why Does He Do That?", both enlightening and totally depressing. TL;DR it's about power and control. If someone brought up an issue with your behavior you'd probably work with them to solve that problem because your top goals are a quality relationship where the other person is happy. But when your top priority is power and control (because your ego is too weak to let yourself be real, you equate being giving with "pussy whipped") then you'll manipulate, deny, do whatever it takes to not own up to your behavior because the smallest admission of fault weakens your position.

Also, he projects/assumes you're like him, that your issues are just a power play, that you're looking at others, duplicitous, because he is. If he'd let himself be at all self-analytical he'd see how irrational and counterproductive his behavior/jealousy is, but self-reflection is too risky for his ego. And he wants to have some distance, too, to be free to see other women and even blame you for that ("we were on a break!")

Don't fall into the trap of demonizing his other women. He pulled the same crap with them.

This is why even after I'm divorced AP'll stay my lover, never a boyfriend (which is fine bc after marriage I don't want a man's dirty socks on my floor any time soon again if ever).

I curse my sexual needs. Were it not for them I could still be married to a good guy and I wouldn't put up with AP's antics for 5 minutes.

All the Fucking Time [Explicit] by Loote on Amazon Music

https://music.amazon.com/albums/B07YXJ56Q4?trackAsin=B07YXJ6RGK&ref=dm_sh_0yVPXmazi1qIXEKHxzY86aOLg

You might want to check out Mating In Captivity by Esther Perel.
https://www.amazon.com/Mating-Captivity-Unlocking-Erotic-Intelligence/dp/0060753641

Buy her this book and start a "book club"
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0743258533/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_K-cFDb02PZCYZ

Ridiculous.

Why does this even exist?

https://www.amazon.com/Big-Book-Revenge-Serious-Getting/dp/0806521414