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u/WhereWolfish · 1 pointr/adultsurvivors

I found a general overview of how CSA affects attachment here:
https://www.bridgestorecovery.com/blog/trauma-childhood-abuse-affects-interpersonal-relationships-begin-healing/

I'm sure there's a lot more out there :)

I will say, from my own perspective, that I managed to find an absolutely lovely man, and we had a good relationship that I managed to keep in a holding pattern away from too much commitment, or from leaving outright, for over 10 years before I got married.

When I got engaged, every anxiety I had about being vulnerable and TRULY close to someone (ie, making that kind of commitment) exploded in my face leaving me curled up on my bed seeking solace in every single fraction of a moment I had there.

I didn't know what kind of wall I had up between my hubby and I, but it was pretty impressive. Deep down I knew I didn't let ANYONE close. Even the man I knew I loved. And I didn't know why.

It wasn't until I started therapy for CSA (I'd been amnesiac to it) that I started realizing what was really going on, and the strange fears and anger I would feel towards my husband started to make SENSE.

I'm saying all this because it's quite possible to have a lovely relationship with someone with attachment issues, but you might find yourself unable to go past a certain point. There might be the feeling of being held at arms length. Loved, certainly, but held at that distance because that's all the person you love can handle.

This might not be the case for your hubby. I'm just trying to give you an example of how CSA has affected my relationship. I consider myself pretty lucky. I didn't land in a relationship with another abuser, and it sounds like he's been lucky to find you too.

I would recommend a search for 'attachment issues abuse survivors', and 'partners of abuse survivors', because there are actually a bunch of support groups out there for folks like you.

I did a search for ' books for partners of abuse survivors' and also found:
https://www.amazon.com/Survivors-Partners-Healing-Relationships-Sexual/dp/0962996041

It's very good of you to care :)

u/FreeOppression · 3 pointsr/adultsurvivors

Sorry that you are going through this. I think that every survivor goes through this while healing. It's part of the process. It's a great opportunity to reach out for support and learn from others experiences.

Were you able to identify the trigger? That may be helpful if you can. I suggest that you find a copy of the book "Rewire Your Anxious Brain" (https://www.amazon.ca/dp/B00QG5SW58/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1) It helps to identify where your anxiety is coming from in the brain and the book gives good advice on how to deal with it.

I often saw my progress in healing as climbing a mountain. There will be days when you make great progress and some when you back slide. There will be days when you need to rest and recuperate too. There's a beautiful valley on the other side and an awesome view from the top.

Keep reaching out for support and be gentle with yourself.

u/[deleted] · 7 pointsr/adultsurvivors

So sorry you and your wife are going through this. Look into finding a sexual abuse therapist who specializes in married couples. A general marriage counselor isn't going to have the right skill set to help a survivor and spouse. Your marriage issues stem from childhood abuse, so you're going to need to see someone who is trained and experienced in that specialty.

It sounds like your wife is in a highly aroused (not sexual arousal, PTSD arousal) triggered state. She is dissociating and reacting to previous abuse and trauma that is no longer presently occurring. If she kept in contact with her family, she was probably already triggered and experiencing PTSD symptoms for years. The family reunion was more than her brain could handle. She could have been dissociating for years, which could be why she didn't take interest making the decisions. I'm not a doctor, so I'm just spit balling, but I do have diagnosed PTSD.

Recently, I felt like my entire life was a trigger, and I reacted to my boyfriend in similar ways. I wanted nothing to do with him, screamed at him like he was abuser, and accused him of controlling me and my life. I was reliving the abuse. I just needed a break. Now I'm back to normal. Maybe your wife's triggers reached this breaking point to where she couldn't cope and needed her space.

I learned to be able to identify my triggered and dissociative states, so I was able to recognize I was having a PTSD episode. It sounds like your wife is not able to do that yet. It'd be helpful for both of you to learn how to recognize when she's triggered. Many times, my boyfriend is able to tell when I'm getting triggered and about to dissociate before I am. We've learned how to work through it together, but it took months.

You might want to check out this book: https://www.amazon.com/Sexual-Healing-Journey-Guide-Survivors/dp/0062130730 . The author is a survivor and therapist who specializes in individual and partner healing. It might help you gain some insight into what's going on. And if your wife is willing to read it too, it could help her learn insight into her thoughts, feelings, actions, and behaviors. The book also contains snippets from clients, both survivors and spouses, sharing their firsthand experiences.

Just a piece of advice- it's best not to tell your wife that she's being irrational or not acting rationally. To a survivor, triggers, flashbacks, and other intense feelings are very real. What she's experiencing is real for her, it's just not the present reality of the external situation. Hope you two find the help you each need because you sound like a really loving husband.

u/caterpee · 1 pointr/adultsurvivors

http://www.amazon.com/Body-Remembers-Psychophysiology-Treatment-Professional/dp/0393703274/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1458805403&sr=8-1&keywords=the+body+remembers

http://www.amazon.com/Surviving-Childhood-Sexual-Abuse-Practical/dp/1555612253/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1458805422&sr=1-1&keywords=surviving+childhood+sexual+abuse

http://www.amazon.com/Surviving-Childhood-Sexual-Abuse-Workbook/dp/1555612903/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1458805422&sr=1-2&keywords=surviving+childhood+sexual+abuse (workbook that goes with the above)

These three books have been absolutely invaluable to me as a placeholder for therapy. In fact, when I was in an intensive-outpatient day program specifically for sexual trauma, 90% of the therapy was directly out of the first book. When I could no longer afford to attend, I just went out and bought it myself.

I'm not trying to push that its better than therapy but I completely understand where you guys are at and to be honest if it's not the right time, then it's not the right time, and nothing good comes of forcing yourself before you're ready or before being sure that you will have time to open pandora's box, in a sense...at least it feels that way, anyway.

You sound very loving and supporting to be there with your girlfriend through this, and I hope you both can get some peace asap. Sending yall the best of thoughts.

u/not-moses · 1 pointr/adultsurvivors
  1. Where are your spouse -- and her mother -- most of the time on the five stages of therapeutic recovery? If one understands clearly what each stage represents as a process through and out of a mental state in at least one of the Fight / Flight / Freeze / Faint / Feign (or Fawn) Responses leading to behavioral "policies," one will act appropriately to those states.

  2. If your spouse is truly adamant that you stay out of it, and you want to have "peace in the valley," you will almost surely have to do exactly that... and go to some CoDA and ACA meetings, as well as read their basic texts (see CoDA's "big blue book" and ACA's "big red book") which can very reliably be counted upon to help you do that.

  3. Reading online about the "protector" in the Internal Family Systems Model will very likely help you to understand where your spouse is coming from.

  4. Listening carefully in those CoDA meetings will almost surely explain her mother to you... and ultimately to your spouse IF and when she is ready to go to some and read their literature.
u/survivoratx · 1 pointr/adultsurvivors

I found my therapist searching specifically for those that had experience with sexual abuse and trauma. I managed to get really lucky on the first try and even found one that took my insurance.

Based on my experience with my therapist, you absolutely should find someone specializing in this type of subject. They will have insight, experience, and training to properly guide your recovery that other general counselors may not.

As far as time length goes, 10 sessions is a good start, but will likely not be enough. I've been going weekly since November, and still have a lot of work to do. The good news is that most therapists/counselors will work with people who can't afford to pay the full amount.

The fact that you are willing to get help is a HUGE step, and you should be proud of yourself for making it. You have started the path of recovery. It's going to be rough as hell, but in the end you'll wind up a better person for it.

As far as techniques, the main one my therapist is using is a 6 question test when you get triggered. When it happens, answer these questions immediately. Write them down, put them in a journal, whatever works for you:

What am I:

  1. Seeing?
  2. Hearing?
  3. Smelling?
  4. Tasting?
  5. Sensing?
  6. Feeling?

    Do it every time. Even if it's the same answer over and over. You may start to notice a pattern.

    For example: A woman was triggered in the middle of traffic one day, and she couldn't understand why. She did the questions, and she and her therapist figured out that it was the smell of diesel fuel that was doing it. Her abuser was a mechanic.

    Once you being to understand the things that trigger you, and why, you'll start to be able to manage them better.

    And lastly i'll leave you with a book that was recommended to me for couples. You and your husband both should read this book, as it will give you both insight into yourself and the recovery process.

    The book is called Allies in Healing, and you can get it on Kindle or physical copy. It's helped my wife understand what i'm going through, and what to expect.
u/Kenzietheearthling · 4 pointsr/adultsurvivors

You're not alone! It took me a full year to finally verbally say what happened to me. 27f who was also sexually abused by father.

Therapists ARE expensive, but some who really care will work with you. Mine charged me what I could pay and recommended books for me to go over when I couldn't visit.

Facing Codependence by Pia Melody was one that really helped.

Me and my husband just got a book for the partners of the abuse survivor called: Allies In Healing https://www.amazon.com/dp/0060968834/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_lzyszbBKEK35Z

And by the same author there's a highly recommended workbook that I'm also about to start called: The Courage to Heal workbook https://www.amazon.com/dp/B000GG4ZKE/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_aByszbBD5KJW2

Always trust that your mind and body won't lie to you. I can always tell it's real because I get BODY memories, and those can't be faked. Numbness or dull pain/pressure in my vaginal and anal area, throat and breast... Look into "inner child" work on YouTube.

I hope some of this helps!!

You're not crazy! You're a survivor ❤️

u/GabriellaVM · 8 pointsr/adultsurvivors

I think you CAN detect them, at least sometimes. I do. There are certain characteristics that my "spidey senses" pick up on that I feel in my gut.

I'd suggest the book [The Gift of Fear: And Other Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence](http:// https://www.amazon.com/dp/0440226198/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_eiY3Db87WATP1)

u/ProcessFiend · 1 pointr/adultsurvivors

Click on all the links below to get a grounding in how to break loose from the upshots of being raised in what sounds like a pretty sick family:

ACA meetings and ACA's "big red book" even if your parents were not alcoholics

Resolving Causes & Effects

From Bipolar to Borderline to Complex PTSD: The Long Way Around the Recovery Barn (disregarding the diagnoses in the title; the list of things one can do is what matters)

u/passion_fruit1 · 3 pointsr/adultsurvivors

Your family sexually abused you. She violated your body, your boundaries. She ignored your protests. She gaslighted you. She mocked you. As an adult, she failed to protect you. This is not okay, not then, not now, not ever. That is sexual abuse, and it was wrong of her to do. I am very sorry you had to go through this. I am angry for you.

Went through a similar experience with my family, and you’re not alone. Feeling like you’re gross, dirty, nauseated, silenced... it’s sadly all too common with sexual abuse survivors. I’m sorry. I went through EMDR & therapy to work through my trauma which has helped a lot, so I’d def suggest that. Also try to get your hands on this book and this book . <3