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Yes, it sounds like you're Trans. Cis people don't feel like you do.

Are you in eastern MA? Can you access Newton and/or Framingham? You should come to Nexus. It's really awesome and is specifically for LGBTQ+ middle schoolers. Questioning folks, allies, etc. are totally welcome, and you won't be the only kid there who's working through gender stuff. Everyone is really nice and supportive and it's not a big overwhelming group or anything. I think it's typically about ten kids, plus the two adults who run it. They're really cool. And there's a PFLAG meeting for the Nexus parents down the hall, so whoever gives you a ride will have something to do and can get the support and info they need. (There's a lot more to it than "you should support your kid".)

Once you're in high school, you can come to WAGLY (Nexus but for high schoolers) and/or Umbrella (specifically for Trans, gender-expansive, and gender-questioning high schoolers)! Same website as Nexus. Both are awesome groups full of awesome people.

This is more of a general resource dump, but I hope it helps!

The book The Transgender Child by Stephanie Brill and Rachel Pepper is your new bible, seriously. (Yes, it talks about teens, not just younger kids.) Check out Stephanie Brill's new book The Transgender Teen, too. There's also a new book out for Trans teens and their families, called Where's MY Book? by Linda Gromko, MD. I haven't read it yet, but it looks well worth a look.

Check out http://t-vox.org/ and http://camparanutiq.org/ . You'd love Camp Aranuti'q.

Watch this great video too. It's about Trans kids and it's really good.

Your parents should run, not walk, to http://groups.yahoo.com/group/tyfa_talk/ and join it. It's a wonderful parents-only group specifically for parents of Trans and gender-questioning kids who are 18 and under. There's lots for them there, even if they think they're already supportive. And it's as important for them to be talking to other parents of Trans kids as it is for you to be talking to other Trans people. On Facebook, they can join these great groups for parents of Trans and gender-expansive kids: here and here. And here on Reddit, they can check out /r/cisparenttranskid.

Trans Youth Family Allies, Gender Spectrum (and their fantastic conference), and the Trans Health conference, among other resources, will help your whole family a lot.

The nice folks at the Gender Management Services (GeMS) clinic at Boston Children's Hospital can help your family connect with more providers and support networks in your area for Trans youth and their families. They're fantastic. Be aware of Fenway Health and the Sydney Borum Health Center, too. They're great and a lot of youth go to them.

Hey OP! Just wanted to touch on a couple of things that I don't think other people have mentioned.

First off, on the subject of therapists... Here's a bunch of lists of them in various US states, compiled by other trans folks: [New England](http://t-vox.org/index.php?title=Therapists_in_New_England "CT, MA, ME, NH, RI, VT"), [Mid-Atlantic](http://t-vox.org/index.php?title=Therapists_in_the_Mid-Atlantic_States "NJ, NY, PA"), [East North Central](http://t-vox.org/index.php?title=Therapists_in_the_East_North_Central_States "IL, IN, MI, OH, WI"), [West North Central](http://t-vox.org/index.php?title=Therapists_in_the_West_North_Central_States "IA, KS, MO, MN, ND, NE, SD"), [South Atlantic](http://t-vox.org/index.php?title=Therapists_in_the_South_Atlantic_States "DC, DE, FL, GA, MD, NC, SC, VA, WV"), [East South Central](http://t-vox.org/index.php?title=Therapists_in_the_East_South_Central_States "AL, KY, MS, TN"), [West South Central](http://t-vox.org/index.php?title=Therapists_in_the_West_South_Central_States "AR, LA, OK, TX"), [Mountain](http://t-vox.org/index.php?title=Therapists_in_the_Mountain_States "AZ, CO, ID, MT, NM, NV, UT, WY"), [Pacific](http://t-vox.org/index.php?title=Therapists_in_the_Pacific_States "AK, CA, HI, OR, WA")

Some therapists bill insurance, some work on a fee-for-service model, and some operate on a sliding scale based on your ability to pay. There are also some therapists that work online, like this one and this one - for some discussion of this, you can do a Google search for "gender therapist online", which for example brought up this thread.

As far as processing things goes, I have a standard list of thought experiments that I like to offer people, that I think can help to think about this stuff. Take these questions with a grain of salt, and consider them a tool, not anything ironclad or anything that needs to determine your fate (and remember that at the end of the day, what's most important is what you want or need to do). You can respond here if you feel like it, but you don't have to - just some things to think about. :)

• If I had a magic button that you could press that would make you wake up tomorrow as a woman, with everyone else understanding you and relating to you as a woman, irrevocably but painlessly, would you press it? ("Yes", "no", "I don't know", "I'd want to but I'd be scared" - all valid answers.)
  
  
• Alternatively, if I had a magic button that you could press that would make you wake up tomorrow still as a man, but without any of the gender issues you've been having, not questioning your gender, and able to live happily as a man with zero dysphoria, would you press it?
  
  
• If I had both of those buttons, which one would you rather press, all other things being equal?
  
  
• If I had a test that could tell you if you were a man or a woman, which answer would you be hoping for as you took it? Which way would you try to skew your answers, if you did (consciously or not) try to skew them in either direction?
  
  
• If you washed up on a desert island, by yourself, but with any amount of both male and female clothing, with no hope of rescue but otherwise everything that you needed for a relatively healthy and happy life, would you choose to present as male? female? neither? a mix of the two? one way some of the time, the other way the rest? If for some bizarre reason a lifetime supply of hormones washed up with you as well, do you think you'd take them? What if you washed up with the button from the first thought experiment - in a situation where you were by yourself, would you press it?
  
  
• Let's say I had a test that asked about all of the things, very thorough, and at the end it would tell you, with 100% accuracy, whether or not you were trans. So you take it, and it tells you, "Well, you've got some mild gender confusion, but you're definitely not trans, and you shouldn't transition." How would that make you feel? "Sad", "disappointed", or "relieved" are all reactions that suggest that seeing the aforementioned therapist might be a good idea.
  
  
• On the other hand, what if the test told you "Yup, you're definitely trans all right, and you should probably start planning your transition." - how would you feel about that?
  
  
• When posting threads like this, I think a lot of people are hoping that others will be able to tell them whether or not they're trans (speaking personally, at least, I sure did). I suspect that you might have expected people would draw conclusions or at least make guesses one way or the other. If so, which possibility were you hoping people's responses would suggest or support (and, I suppose, why)?
  
  Penultimate point: if you want some further reading, I hiiiiiiiighly recommend Julia Serano's book Whipping Girl.
  
  Last point, relevant to that book and also any other lurking, talking, asking questions about other people's experiences, and whatever - I want to caution you that as easy as it is to get caught up in comparing yourself to other people, and to the Standard Trans Narrative ("I've always known, I've wanted to transition since I knew what that was, I hate hate hate everything about my body, I want SRS as soon as possible", etc. etc...) - you should know that there as many trans narratives as there are trans people, and to the extent that your story differs from the stories of others (and it will, since everyone else's differ too!), that does not invalidate anything about you or your needs or desires.
  
  Oh! I lied. ONE MORE THING
  
  As far as your relationship with your fiancée, my girlfriend sort of already told her this, but I want to emphasize it because I think it bears repeating: communicate. We went through a really, really rough period after I came out to her, in part because she reacted kind of negatively and so I pulled away, hiding everything from her and just not talking about stuff... finally one day in the midst of a fight of sorts she told me that a big part of the problem was that she didn't know what was going on in my head, didn't have any idea what I was thinking - and when I let her read the journal I'd been keeping, everything made a lot more sense to her and she felt a lot more comfortable about things. It sounds like your level of communication is way better than ours was, but I just want to reiterate that it's important to keep that up.
  
  Anyway, good luck to you - I hope things continue to sort themselves out in your head, that your relationship stays on a pretty even keel, and that things go well for you overall. :)

Here's a bunch of stuff someone gave me. Enjoy!

The book The Transgender Teen by Stephanie Brill and Lisa Kenney is your new bible, seriously. Read it, then give it to your parents. There's also a new book out for Trans teens and their families, called Where's MY Book? by Linda Gromko, MD. I haven't read it yet, but it looks well worth a look.

Check out http://t-vox.org/ and http://camparanutiq.org/ . You'd love Camp Aranu'tiq.

Watch this great video too. It's about Trans kids and it's really good. (Ignore the line from one mom about how blockers are "brand new". They aren't. They've been used for decades. The books I mentioned above explain a lot more about all that.)

Your parents should run, not walk, to http://groups.yahoo.com/group/tyfa_talk/ and join it. It's a wonderful parents-only group specifically for parents of Trans and gender-questioning kids who are 18 and under. There's a lot more to it than "you should support your kid". There's lots for them there, even if they think they're already supportive. On Facebook, they can join these great groups for parents of Trans and gender-expansive kids: here and here. And here on Reddit, they can check out /r/cisparenttranskid.

Trans Youth Family Allies, Gender Spectrum (and their fantastic conference), and the Trans Health conference, among other resources, will help your whole family a lot.

To find a therapist who gets Trans issues (most don't, and are unhelpful at best and actively harmful at worst), see http://t-vox.org/medical and http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/ . For the second link, enter your location and then select Transgender from the Issues list on the left.

The nice folks at the Gender Development clinic at Lurie Children's Hospital in Chicago, the Gender Management Services (GeMS) clinic at Boston Children's Hospital, The Center for Trans Youth Health and Development at Los Angeles Children's Hospital, the Genecis clinic at Children's Medical Center Dallas, the gender clinic at Seattle Children's Hospital, BC Children's Hospital in Vancouver, and/or the Trans youth clinic at SickKids in Toronto can help your family connect with more providers and support networks in your area for Trans children and their families, even if you're not near any of those clinics. They do a lot of networking with groups and providers across North America and around the world.

I posted this a few days ago. Hope it might be helpful for someone else. :)

> I'm a planner and a plotter by nature...so when I wanted to come out to people, I wanted to have this big speech laid out and a massive carpet bomb of information ready for everyone once I told them. I even wanted to tell people at the right time...not around anyone's birthday or holidays or anything, but when the moment was just right. It was just hindering me coming out. So, first tip: RELAX. Some planning is nice, but don't overdo things. You can take notes in, but don't write a letter or an essay. :)

> The good points I'd take from my experience thus far:

> let your family members know you wanna talk to them before you do. It's a thing they need to make 15-20 minutes of time for and not something you may wanna just casually throw in after dinner while watching TV.

> divide and conquer. Separate out the family members you think will be most comfortable (for me, it was my mother and sister over the phone) and speak with them first in private about it. It's a lot harder to come out to several people than just one.

> when you talk, talk to them about how you've felt first. Tell them it may be an awkward conversation, tell them that you're nervous talking to them, tell them how you've felt uncomfortable or dysphoric or how this has manifested in you. Put the 'I'm trans' near the middle/end.

> they may ask questions about it. You may not know all the answers just yet. That's fine. Stand firm, it's okay to not know everything or where things will end up.

> give them some time to wrap their head around things and don't push them.

> If everything goes well...bootstrap. ask the people you've told to help you with the people you haven't. I told my father and brothers, who helped me talk with my aunt, who helped me talk with my grandparents.

Addendum - good resources on trans stuff that I found:

The Praeger handbook of transsexuality. I was so lucky to have a copy in my local library, has some of the few studies/surveys i've seen, covers a lot of ground, trans guys and trans gals. Kinda technical though and a few years old, but I loved it. Learned so much!


Whipping Girl by Julia Serano. I think it really helps you understand society's fascination with trans ladies, but more mtf and activism focused of course.

PFLAG booklet I think it covers the basics okay for friends and family.

WPATH v7 standards of care Lots of fancy documentation about treatment of trans* individuals, expectations of HRT, etc.

I also read She's not there by jennifer finney boylan. i thought it was okay and I think it provides a more personal narrative to the whole thing, especially for me and my family because she's a fellow Mainer. Also mtf focused. Sorry trans guys, hopefully someone else can get you some cool resources. :(

edit: added some links. Also remember that while books are expensive, library cards are usually free and interlibrary loan is the coolest thing ever. :)

Hey there. I hope I can help. I'm kinda a nerd about sex toys. First I have a great site for you to check out for toys. It's my favorite to check reviews and such. It's Smitten Kitten. It is a woman owned, feminist sex store. All their products are safe for the body, and they have all kinds of things. As far as prostrate massages go I would try this. It's a toy from Aneros designed just for the prostrate. That should help with working on the "hands free" orgasm. I would also look into getting a dildo as well. This is the one I'm looking at. Yes it is expensive, but it is really fun and really well made. As far as the Magic Wand goes, as some have said it is amazing, and I agree. For me, I do use it on my penis, but like it is a very awesome clit. It is really fun. I would approach it from that direction because of your dysphoria. Also as ImKira recommends, having panties on could help with the dysphoria, but it will also cut the intensity back. One of the main compalaints of the Magic Wand is that it has two settings, "Oh my god" and "Time to take a wall out." A inline dimmer switch can help with that. I love that on Amazon that the dimmer is listed as bought together with the Magic Wand. Again I hope this helps.

Here are some of the resources I've read, and what I think about them:

• Transgender 101: A good introduction covering a lot of what you mention above. It's more focused on the transsexual experience, though. Non-binary identities and others under the "transgender" umbrella get their own chapter, but it's stuck at the back of the book. Chapter 6 has a really good section on whether transgender should be considered a mental disorder, and talks about the insurance issue.
  
  
• Whipping Girl: Although it's not too hard to get through, I'd consider this to be "advanced reading" for those who already have a grounding in basic trans thinking/terminology. I really enjoyed it and agree with many of Serano's arguments, but it's less textbook and more opinion piece (although Serano has also written a number of academic papers for respected journals). It's mainly focused on the MTF transsexual experience.
  
  
• True Selves: You might hear this one mentioned in lists of good trans books, but it's now 20 years old, is very heavily weighted toward a limited view of the transexual experience, and it defends the gatekeeper mentality. I'd honestly avoid it, unless you're interested in reading about how things used to be, in which case I'd highly recommend Harry Benjamin's The Transsexual Phenomenon (who knew that people used to be arrested just for crossdressing?). Don't show that one to your professor!
  
  
• WPATH Standards of Care v7: Presents a good overview of gender non-conformity and dysphoria with references to contemporary research. Written for a medical/academic audience but easy enough for a general audience to understand too. Focuses significantly on mental health aspects of transgender and medical transition options. The standards of care seem to have become more liberal with each new version, to the extent that they're now presented as guidelines rather than hard rules and are approaching the "informed consent" approach. Still, they're an example of the gatekeeping approach, which some people are dead against.
  
  
• National Geographic magazine gender special edition: Has some good stories covering the whole range of transgender people (i.e. talks about non-binary identities as well as the traditional transsexual experience). Also interesting is the wide discussion of gender issues in various world cultures, although this is of less relevance to what you're looking for.
  
  Obviously there's a lot more out there, and I'm sure others can add to this and/or argue with my take on the above list. This is just some of my admittedly limited reading - please don't take this in any way as an authoritative list of the best resources!
  
  I'd be careful relying on websites and blog posts for information. You need to be critical of the authors' credibility and biases, and there is a lot of poorly-researched, poorly-written stuff out there, some of which is downright wrong, made-up, nonsensical or hateful (I've read a lot on Blanchard's typology and the paraphillia/fetish view of transsexualism, and I'd advise you to avoid it at all costs!). On the other hand, I'd say don't stick entirely to books and academic papers, because there are a lot of interesting thoughts/perspectives from those in the community who don't write books or publish papers.

All of this is up to you ... one option might be to try to explain, and to look for support.

Be mindful of your safety in case, try to look for support, try to have resources in place etc.

In any case looking for support may be a very good idea.

Sometimes the kind of explanation can play a role with acceptance.

Some cis people need to understand there are others out there who feel opposite to how they feel. Its called trans for a reason.

Some people think its just an idea that could be suppressed or whatever. Giving a biological explanation may help understand that its nobodys fault, its not just imagination and people do not do this for ulterior motives, and its not contagious.

And it may help understand that a) it does not go away and b) its not the fault of parents upbringing or whatever.

One fear people often also have is they or others could catch it somehow, and that it needs to be contained. Explaining its a birth condition could help see that its nobodys fault and that people really feel different than others who do not have this condition.

Some people compare it to epilepsy, which is along the same lines of brain studies. Decades ago others also presumed all kinds of things. its now accepted its biological.

It has recently been flagged by the UN as medical condition for a number of those reasons. And in international standards it was deflagged from being mental and flagged as medical condition a while ago. As said, its nobodys fault and it does not randomly spread or whatever. And people usually only want to live in the role of the gender they identify with, and blend in.

Some people make a comparison with a twin : decisive for the body are hormones and with the correct setup people can be like their male or female twin, with still the same sense of humour. A few things may be different but its still possible to have fun together regardless.

And a number of things from this post and the links there might be helpful. There are explaining resources there and hints concerning looking for support.




And a few things from this and this post might help you too.

There is a vid there with unobtrusive things that can be done for motivation, there are hints concerning presentation, starting with neutral styles first, there are hints concerning looking for a gender therapist in case, and there are also hints concerning looking for support there.

And looking for support may also be a good idea. PFLAG might also help with relatives.

And if there are no disturbing influences, children can be more accepting than adults.

Some people explain like a can : they are the gender they identify with inside (can) and are about to change the outside ( labels etc).

I know of someone who tried to explain to a kid. Someone else in the room just said : they regenerated ( a Dr. Who concept). The child looked in awe. If the concept is known, it may be easy to explain.

/r/transparents is for Trans parents. There are Facebook groups for Trans parents as well. See https://www.facebook.com/groups/1515829028742767/ , https://www.facebook.com/groups/1501185016619557/ , and https://www.facebook.com/groups/QTPPgroup/ , amongst others.

As book you may like Red: A Crayon's Story. https://www.amazon.com/Red-Crayons-Story-Michael-Hall/dp/0062252070




hugs

If you like reading more, try the trans teens survival guide tumblr, or GLAAD's comprehensive resources (I linked you to the "trans 101" page, but there's a lot around their site). This sub is also a great place to explore and ask questions. If you have the ability to get a physical book and it's safe to do so/can be hidden from parents, Luna and Parrotfish are good reads for fiction, and Wandering Son is a manga about trans kids. Speaking of parents, The Transgender Child or Just Add Hormones would also be a great resource for them when she's ready to tell them.

Edit: Also, just wanted to add. You seem like an amazing brother and she is lucky to have you. But it is totally normal to be confused or surprised by this stuff too, so even if you don't get things or you say or think the wrong thing sometimes that's okay. And it's always ok to take care of yourself if you need it. The important thing is you love each other.

Seconded. Being an owner of the book, I hand it off to my partners as a good read so they understand more about me, how things tend to work in my world, and in my favorite chapter, 'communication', Miranda discusses the keys to good communication and good sex with your partner(s), but makes it clear that you need input from your other half to be an effective lover.

OP, what you have at your hands is someone who has a setup that you (from what I'm aware), have no experience with. Communicate with her. Ask her what she likes, what she doesn't like, her type of language that she likes to use for herself, and her limits (or as the book calls them, "no-zones".)

It might be kind of intimidating or confusing your first time, but just start with the basics. Listen to her. Understand her, just the same as you would do with any other love interest.

Best of luck!

totally unstealthy edit: OP, I have the physical book, but the digital copy is $5. If you are tight for money or want to get some good excerpts from it or scans, PM me and I'll be happy to help you out. But seriously give Miranda the $5 if you can afford it. The book is worth far more imo.

more edits:
Link to the digital copy ($5): https://payhip.com/b/hRtK

Link to the printed copy ($10): https://www.amazon.com/dp/1492128937/ref=cm_sw_su_dp

Excellent post, and I hope you don't mind if I riff off a couple of your points.

> they have too high expectation for what the procedures can do. expecting to look like Angelina Jolie.

A good surgeon's duties include making sure that their patients go in with realistic expectations. A surgeon who does not talk about the limits of what they can do is usually giving a big warning sign. Dr. O. has a line in his book that goes something like he would tell his patients that he could make them attractive but not beautiful. [Note here that attractive is meant in a different sense than the OP has above.]

> studying the Techniques

I found it extremely helpful to read through Dr. O.'s book, Facial Feminization Surgery: A Guide for the Transgendered Woman (https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1886039933/). It is a little outdated (as you can tell from the title) and some surgeons prefer some different approaches, but it provides a good comprehensive and accessible resource for the procedures in each major area. Though Dr. O. pretty much invented FFS, most of the techniques are taken from craniofacial surgery.

> While it can increase your feminine charm because more feminine normally equals slightly more attractive.

Feeling more secure about your appearance (and especially not really insecure) is a big factor in attractiveness, as quite a bit of it boils down to confidence. It's an argument that is overused by plastic surgeons, but there is truth behind it.

> That goes for doctors too. We have so many experiences now to learn about docs.

I'd love to hear about what steps you've taken to be informed (other than the obvious ones like getting in touch with former patients and looking at past examples of surgeons' work).

One book that may be helpful for answering your questions is Self Made Man. The author spent about 18 months living as a man, in some all-male spaces (the monastery seems cool, but I'm positive that if I went to one of those Iron John camps, I'd be murdered). In the end, she had a nervous breakdown. Along the way she learned totally positively that she is neither a transvestite nor transgender. If Norah (the author) ever comes to Denver, I'd like to buy her a drink.

Two previous links on this subject that I've saved are:

http://www.reddit.com/r/asktransgender/comments/271fnm/changing_sides_in_a_sexist_world_share_your/
http://www.reddit.com/r/asktransgender/comments/2797ax/ftms_how_jarring_is_the_switch_to_the_male_social/
I'm certain that there are others. But I think these anecdotes from people who have been both genders, and the jarring differences that they experience might be something you ought to read. Things like:

> I wouldn't call it the better gender, though things are much easier in a lot of respects. I was recently promoted to electronics at Target. My boss basically said, "you're a guy so you must know a lot about electronics". My female coworker, who obviously knows more about electronics, had to fight tooth and nail to get the same position. She and our boss still but heads occasionally because he treats her as if she is incompetent. I think that's it really. When you're a guy, for the most part you are assumed competent until proven otherwise. With women, the opposite happens. You have to prove yourself competent before you're offered anything.

Another good book that I think you might be interested in is Whipping Girl.

My FTM son came out to me at age 14.

Scene: In the car, coming back from a therapy appointment.

Him: “So... uh... mom... I’m a dude.”

Me (already suspecting he was LGBTQ+): “Oh! Ok. Thanks for telling me! Do you want to talk more about it?”

Him: The floodgates open and it all spills out. He’d been questioning forever and sure for a year, and had already told his friends and therapist.

Me: Feeling sad that he didn’t feel he could share it with me sooner, but trying to hide it. “A year? Did something change that helped you feel ready to tell me now?”

Him: “Well, I knew you’d be OK with it, but you’re very action-oriented. And I wasn’t ready for action. But I am now.”

Me: Laughing, because he nailed it. I would have rushed him. “Yeah. You weren’t wrong. So do you have a plan I can help with?”

He just wanted his correct pronouns at home and school, to talk about new names, and figure out everything else. So that’s what we did.

Now, more than a year later, he has socially and legally transitioned, and just started on T two months ago. All is well.

Good luck! ((Mom hugs))

And if you want to share this with your parents, this book was very helpful for me:

The Transgender Teen: A Handbook for Parents and Professionals Supporting Transgender and Non-Binary Teens https://www.amazon.com/dp/1627781749/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_e44HDbSF620E1

there's kinda two spectrums of beliefs on what is trans. some people adhere to social construction theories to explain trans stuff. some people adhere to peer-reviewed scientific research to explain things. i prefer the later, so i'd suggest searching this sub for research as well as reading the papers off pubmed. here's a nice overview of concepts from harvard: Between the (Gender) Lines: the Science of Transgender Identity. i also like the center of excellence for transgender health care as well as the world professional association for transgender health's standards of care document.. there's also an excellent book available called trans bodies, trans selves on amazon that covers a huge amount of information from the perspective of trans people. i really like this book a lot as it gives a very human touch to us as well as attempts to cover the vast diversity of the transgender experience. lots of people are given a voice in this book and it is very beautifully written. honestly, this is where i'd start with us.

the transgender community is incredibly diverse and it really is one of the best parts of being a part of the community.

My father is a very devout Catholic and is good friends with the priest at his church. My father found it really helpful to get guidance from the priest after I came out. If his parents are close to a leader in their church you could try going to that leader first. Tell the leader what's up and that you would love it if he/she could help the parents deal with it and become supportive.


If the parents feel like someone of authority is supportive of the transition then the parents are going to be more likely to be supportive as well.


It's also a good idea to have information readily available. Bringing a book, or providing websites with information, or movies, etc. can help. Also, offering the parents a chance to talk to specialist and go to dr. visits can be helpful, so look up therapists in the area that deal with family counselling or are LGBT oriented.

Hope this helped a bit.

Essay time! This and this are kind of like the primer essays for 'so you're questioning, now what'. They answer a lot of questions about the experience of gender dysphoria and how it is through someone's life as well as help to reframe the situation in various ways, would strongly recommend.

Books wise, I know Whipping Girl gets recced around a lot - whether you're MtF or FtM, it has a lot to offer and is pretty good. Gender Outlaws is another great read that is pretty current / up to date in terms of what it offers and has a ton of perspectives on the situation that you might find handy. I would also highly recommend Trans Bodies, Trans Selves as a great resource to pursue.

Edit: Couple more! Check out The Genderbread Person for a quick handy look at the different ways to think about gender identity and what it means, and if that interests you then you might also be interested in the accompanying book, Guide to Gender.

I wouldn't say any of them are the best. Some, like the facial team in Spain, are known for being conservative. Others are might not do chin work like Dr. Toby G. Mayer (I think he can't do type III forehead as well if you have a prominent brow ridge). They can also be hit or miss like Dr. Spiegel. They also all tend to have a certain style with how they make the nose, which can be a big deal if you want a certain nose. One surgeon may be perfect for you while another transwomen worst nightmare. So you have to think about what you want or need more specifically than "I want to look like a woman" and who you will trust with your face.

If you haven't read it, I would recommend checking out Facial Feminization Surgery: A Guide for the Transgendered Woman by Dr. Ousterhout (who is consider the father of facial feminization surgery). He goes over all the different types of procedures, who usually would benefit from them, and possible pros/cons. I think it's a pretty good start for evaluating what you need although I believe the book is a little dated (from what I have heard from other people).

https://www.amazon.com/Facial-Feminization-Surgery-Guide-Transgendered/dp/1886039933

>I'm not surprised everything we thought was incorrect. Every time anyone has a discussion about this stuff at my school it turns into a circlejerky who is the most PC contest and I think most of these people get their information from tumblr

Probably. There's nothing wrong with asking questions - it's healthy and wanting to learn is never a bad thing.

>You've lost me a little. I don't understand the difference between gender identity and gender roles. I can understand wanting to identify as another role, but I don't understand what gender identity is without sex or roles.

Okay so to really simplify -

Gender identity: whether you're a man or a woman

Gender role: how society says men and women should act

They're entirely separate and unrelated, although there is obviously a strong correlation between people who are men and people who like to act masculine, and between people who are women and people who like to act feminine. But that's all it is - a correlation. There are plenty of people who are men who don't like to be masculine but do like to be feminine, just as there are plenty of people who are women who don't like to be feminine but do like to be masculine. And there are masculine trans women and feminine trans men. At the end of the day, though, a feminine man is still a man and and a masculine woman is still a woman. Preferring a particular socially constructed gender role doesn't change your innate gender identity. Liking dresses doesn't make a man not a man, you know?

This would be much easier to understand, I think, if we didn't use the term "gender identity". It leads to far too much confusion of exactly this type and I think something else would be a better term (Julia Serano - who writes brilliantly - uses the term "subconscious sex" as in the sex of your subconscious, which I quite like), but the important thing to take away is that although they happen to be similar phrases they're very much not the same thing, or even similar. One is who you are, the other is how society says you should act based on that.

(Also in terms of gender identity there are non-binary people who don't feel themselves to be men or women but something else or both, and there are agender people who don't feel any gender at all)

>Okay you're starting to make me think this is where I lie. I really don't understand feeling a certain gender in context outside of social roles or genetics. I hate periods/the ability to get pregnant/having a uterus in general. I hate that my friendships with males always fall apart when I don't want to fuck them. I hate feeling unsafe walking around at night. I hate feeling worth less than male and socially would definitely DEFINITELY rather be a dude. But all of this is just out of convenience. I'd never transition because if I did, I'd never be treated like a cis dude

You probably would, though. Most people greatly underestimate the power of hormones (and other things such as surgery) and their potential to change someone's appearance from undeniably female to undeniably male (or vice versa). Most trans people end up blending back into society eventually and being treated just as cis men or women. Trans people that you see who are obviously or visibly trans are usually early in transition (or are just unfortunate) and aren't representative of trans people generally.

>and half the inconveniences would still be there + new ones would be created. Basically, how I feel about this is basically "let's do whatever is most beneficial/convenient". In the same way everyone wants to be rich instead of poor since it's simply the better option. IDK.

In an ideal world would you rather be male or female? Or neither, maybe?

If you started growing thick facial hair tomorrow how would you feel about it? If your voice dropped how would you feel about it?

>I just don't think I'm going to understand, as much as I'd like to. I feel like a lot of that comes from being a cis female though.

No, I don't think this is the case. A lot of or even most cis (or nominally cis) people - I think those with a stronger sense of their own maleness or femaleness - get it instinctively when it's explained to them, some don't. The latter tend to either be people who have just never thought about it and can't imagine that it would cause any problems to just switch sex because they don't know what they're talking about, or people who - like you, I think - just maybe don't have a particularly strong sense of their gender, or even might have no gender at all.

It might be really helpful for you to read about non-binary identities or agender people - if they don't resonate then fair enough, but you might find they do. You might even find out that you're not quite as cis as you thought you were. But that's entirely up to you.

> For some reason I just can't wrap my head around genders having feelings though

So it's not like genders have feelings, it's that you innately know and understand yourself to be one gender rather than another.

When I think about myself I think "woman" or "girl" or "female". When I look around at other people I subconsciously group myself with the other women rather than the men. I want to fit in and be accepted as a woman not as a man. When people mistake me for a man it makes me uncomfortable. Having a body that is more female feels right in a way that having a body that was more male never did. That's how it works for me, roughly, if such an abstract concept as gender identity can ever be put into words. It's kind of like trying to describe hunger to someone who doesn't need to eat, it's always going to be difficult to properly get it across.

To repeat everyone else, treat it like any other date and her like any other woman. If/when sex comes up don't be afraid to ask questions straightforwardly. Admit your own inexperience and desire to get it right (so hot!). Regarding being bi, others have pointed out the potential to put your foot in your mouth there. Whether or not your orientation comes up, reassure her that you think her parts are beautiful and you're comfortable with them whatever they look like. (Do this especially if she expresses concern that you might do the whole straight dude "does dis maek me gaaay?!" thing.) As others have mentioned, generalizations don't mean much when it comes to individuals, you need to know what matters to her.

Key points I can think of:

• get enthusiastic consent every step of the way
  
  
• make sure she feels safe at all times
  
• are any areas no-go zones?
  
• what terms does she use to refer to her parts? (ask this delicately)
  
• if her genitals are going to be part of the fun, what do they like?
  
• oh and be gentle with her breasts; if she's only been on hormones for a few months they will be small and tender
  
  Lastly, I recommend Fucking Trans Women as a resource for you now or in the future. Again, its generalizations may not be a fit for every girl, but it's a great manual.

Here is what Christ said about transgender people:

>Matthew 19:12 For there are eunuchs who were born that way, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by others—and there are those who choose to live like eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it.”

Christ was cool with trans people. Tell the "Exodous International" guy that he needs to stop committing medical malpractice against transgender people. Go get yourself a real doctor like Norman Spack.

• Pausing puberty aged 12 saved my life: Transgender beauty queen praises her amazing family ahead of BBC documentary on her mission to become Miss England
  
  
• How Norman Spack transformed the way we treat transgender children
  
  
• Whipping Girl: A Transsexual Woman on Sexism and the Scapegoating of Femininity, Serano 2007
  
  
• Gender Orientation: Intersex Conditions Within The Transsexual Brain
  
  
• WPATH Standards of Care v.7 (2011)
  
  
• The Gender Variant Phenomenon--A Developmental Review
  By Anne Vitale Ph.D. 2003
  
  
• Biased-Interaction Theory of Psychosexual Development: “How Does One Know if One is Male or Female?” (Diamond 2006)
  
  
• Surviving a Gender Variant Childhood: The views of transgender adults on the needs of gender variant children and their parents. Riley 2012
  
  
• The Needs of Gender-Variant Children and Their Parents According to Health Professionals. Riley 2012
  

This may help

A helpful way to visualize it might also be to consider it this way. Sexuality is a spectrum, similarly gender identity, and gender expression are also two different spectrums. While these three spectrums influence each other, no single one is completely influenced by another. One can even make the arguement that physical sex is also a spectrum given intersex people and other variations in physical sex.

A person who is Transgender is someone whose gender identity doesn't align with their physical sex

Transsexual is more of a medical term to describe transgender folk who have made steps or are making steps to change their physical sex to correlate with their gender identity, whether through hormones or surgery.

While all people who are transsexuals are transgender, it is not the case that all people who are transgender are transsexuals. Given that being transsexual is essentially a medical status it is often more useful for us to simply go with a shorthand when describing ourselves and say that we are trans. After all you wouldn't go around telling people about whatever medical procedures or treatments you might be going through.

Now a Cisgendered person is someone whose gender identity matches up with their physical sex. Being cisgendered is to being transgender as being heterosexual is to being homosexual, just different spectrums.

What your describing in your post isn't necessarily transgender behavior so much as a deviation from the norm of gender expression. You may enjoy stereotypically female behaviors, but you probably still identify as male, prefer male pronouns, present yourself as a male to others ect, ect.
Variations in gender expression is why we can have butch ladies and effeminate dudes, they're not trans necessarily they are just in different areas on the gender expression spectrum. Keep in mind though that since gender expression and gender identity are two separate spectrums you can have people like a butch trans-woman, or an effeminate trans-man, but trans and cis pretty much exclusively describes the relationship between physical sex and gender identity.

If you're looking to do a bit of reading I highly recommend Julia Serano's Whipping Girl for a pretty in depth analysis of these topics, and a fantastic read on top of that.

You may want to ask your mom to take a look at PFLAG's Support Guide for Trans Family and Friends. I see /u/aliandrah has already linked the article on Gender variations, which is a great read - I'd say you should take a look at it too, if you haven't yet.

Another book I often see recommended is The Transgender Child: A Handbook for Families and Professionals. Your mother may find this useful in helping her understand where you're coming from, as it'll probably address specific questions she might have. It's a really good guide, and pretty easy to understand as well.

Best of luck!

I've definitely done a lot of exploring; I am trans, after all. I buried my femininity under many layers of repression and denial, and couldn't properly embrace it until I learned to understand it in positive terms. For a long time I thought "if femininity is a social construction, then my desire for it must be artificial and flawed", and this way of thinking held me back from transition. Once I learned to view femininity as both natural and positive, I easily gravitated towards it.

You can certainly feel free to spread this way of visualizing gender tendencies, and I should also mention that I got this explanation from Whipping Girl, which is an excellent book that I highly recommend.

If you come to these boards often, you know that our first response is going to be to get a good therapist. You have also already heard advice to listen to yourself, confront your inner shame, take small steps, yadda yadda.

It's all very true, and it's the most important advice. But to you (and all the other lurkers out there) I want to address something you mention only in passing:

> every time I come to these boards I always feel like such a sham.

You are gender variant, you belong here.
I can't say that enough, because I felt exactly as you did for years. Heck, I was almost a year into HRT, had basically finished electrolysis and had more or less been living 90% full-time for months, and I still felt overpoweringly apprehensive about posting to a board or forum for advice or empathy. There were real trans people there! I was so alone for so long, and stayed away from exactly those who would be able to understand.

Read Serano, Bornstein, Greene, Bergman & Stryker. Even those you don't identify with will bring you closer to the community. Respect the genderfuckers; by distorting normativity they stretch comfort zones to fit us with room to spare. Love and respect trans men; they will defend you with the aggressive passion denied to us by our own insecurity and systemic transmisogyny. Be fucking proud to associate with some of the strongest and most amazing people you will ever meet (virtually or in person) in your life.

But for God's sake don't pull away because you don't think you belong. No matter where you end up going or who you end up being, we consider you a part of our community regardless, and you'll always be welcome.

(I usually throw in a lot of caveats that I don't speak for everyone, that my posts are just one woman's opinion and YMMV. In this case though, I do speak for all of us, and I'll call out anyone who disagrees.)

Then they may be able to help. I had read your post to say you specifically didn't want the administration to know, and sometimes that's an indication that things need to be approached SUPER carefully. Sounds like that's not the case here; I may have overreacted.

School counselors are generally pretty good about keeping confidentiality about things where suicide isn't involved at all. Even minor suicidal ideation without intent to carry through can get a whole shitstorm started, so basically: never ever ever mention even fleeting thoughts of hurting yourself to a school counselor. Again, sounds like this isn't your issue, but I feel it needs to be said. Gender stuff alone should be something they wouldn't take to your parents.

The biggest issue you're likely to face would be having a counselor who really does want to help, but has outdated training/experience. The Transgender Child is the definitive resource on how to navigate transition at your age. Definitely if they are looking for a resource to help them help you, that's the book I would point them to, and I'd recommend it to you as well. Actually, you might even want to get a copy, read it, and have it available for them as a resource.

To be honest, there's always that risk. It's also possible that, even if they do appear to reject you at first, they may come around later. It took my mother a while to come to terms with it, but then she became super-supportive. Her sister disowned me, though. Eventually, though, it gets to the point where being yourself is more important than being accepted by people who can't comprehend what you're going through.

I believe my mother found reading True Selves helpful, although I don't remember getting on with it myself, as although it's a bit inaccurate and not worded in the most respectful way at times if memory serves, it provided advice for a friend or relative of a transsexual, whereas most books seem to help transsexuals directly.