(Part 2) Top products from r/aspergirls

> I don't want a diagnosis via internet forum, but does it make sense to go against my therapist (who won't ever diagnose me with Asperger's because I can communicate OK with him one-on-one) and pursue a diagnosis from a specialist?

Yes, it absolutely makes sense. I've seen so many reports from others who have been in a similar situation, diagnosed multiple times with various conditions, with the possibility of Asperger's/autism repeatedly dismissed on superficial grounds, as if the mind isn't full of layers, many of which are hidden beneath the surface.

> Could it be that I flew under the radar for so long?

Indeed. Especially as a woman, there's a strong bias to attribute your behaviors and qualities to anything other than Asperger's. This bias exists both in general culture (for example, hormones are used to explain away so many female behaviors without any real consideration) and in the culture of the mental health profession (largely due to the original research decades ago focusing on male children, almost completely ignoring both females of any age and adults of any gender).

I'm a male myself, but it wasn't until recently, when the profession started to wake up to the possibility of Asperger's being just as prevalent in women as it is in men, that I started finding resources that I really connected with. Thus, I suspected I had Asperger's when I was 24, but it was only once I was 32 and revisited the subject that I found all the stories by other "under-the-radar" aspies, many of them women, and could truly connect with those experiences, learning from them and learning about myself more deeply. I certainly have some male stereotypes too, but the stereotypes have done a lot of harm, causing many people to go unrecognized for so long.

> And does anyone have tips for pursuing a diagnosis?

I just got done reading the book I Think I Might Be Autistic: A Guide to Autism Spectrum Disorder Diagnosis and Self-Discovery for Adults, and I think it could be a useful read for you. Some of the details of the middle chapters are US-specific, so their usefulness will depend upon your location, as the diagnosis process differs quite a bit throughout the world. It's also a quick read. (I should have gotten this book a while ago; I had read the author's second book on the subject, Nerdy, Shy, and Socially Inappropriate, over a year ago and loved it, as well as many articles on her blog Musings of an Aspie, and her first book indeed had the same quality.)

A somewhat longer book which I'd also recommend, with more of a focus on the reflective and emotional side of the diagnostic process, and less on the concrete details, is Very Late Diagnosis of Asperger Syndrome (Autism Spectrum Disorder): How Seeking a Diagnosis in Adulthood Can Change Your Life.

I'd also recommend considering finding a therapist/counselor who specializes in adult Asperger's/ASD, without necessarily focusing on an official diagnosis, at least in the short term. If you can relate to the experiences shared by adult aspies, and you feel like you are obtaining deeper self-understanding and highly applicable advice from books and online, it only stands to reason that you could find similar help from a counselor who is willing to approach your situation from that angle. I found a great counselor by very cautiously reading through the descriptions on the Psychology Today therapist search page. Might've gotten a little lucky that my first pick was a good pick, but it worked for me. Also, insurance might complicate this; I paid out of pocket, so I was free to go wherever for whatever reason.

So yeah, that's the essence of my advice: Self-directed research through books, blogs, and online communities, a sympathetic counselor regardless of current diagnostic status, and plenty of time and space for introspection. Also, be liberal with the self-love; when a person internalizes the perceived expectations of the society around them and feels like they are always failing to satisfy those expectations, it can be brutally debilitating, and can easily become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Learning how to wisely choose and live by my own expectations was one of the best things I've ever done.

My major advice would be to keep in mind that autism is not a linear condition, especially as a person goes through childhood. In my personal experience, it always seemed like just when I was getting the hang of things, everything would drastically change. I struggled a lot socially in early elementary school, but by the end I had made a solid group of friends. Then middle school came and suddenly everything changed, and recess was gone and replaced with lunch. My friends started to act differently, and suddenly everything was about socializing instead of playing a game or something. I lost my social group, and didn't really figure anything out until senior year in high school. I eventually stopped trying by Sophomore year, and my parents just assumed it was a choice because I had gotten 'past' my problems in Elementary school. Which really wasn't the case. Even at 26, on a smaller scale, I struggle with changes in social environment and it can take me months to begin truly making friends.

So don't assume that she's just plain 'got better,' keep a realistic eye on her progress and possible challenges as major changes occur throughout her adolescence.

I think it's awesome that you want her to learn to be ok with her autism, I never was really taught that and my parents never tried to properly explain what being autistic meant. They knew I was probably somewhere on the spectrum, and had numerous assessments done across the first couple years of my education. By the end, the school psych had confirmed that I did appear to be autistic but needed to do a bit more observation sessions to rule out other possibilities and figure out where on the spectrum I fit at the time(PDDNOS was likely). Eventually I was told that they thought I was autistic, and whenever the idea of finishing the process came up I apparently would literally run away screaming "I'M NOT CRAZY" because I thought that's what autism meant. No one took the time to sit me down and tell me about it, my parents just sort of caved to my tantrums(meltdowns? I dunno, can't remember honestly) and shoved it aside after that.

So it is AWESOME that helping her accept it is one of your stated goals. I dunno when you're planning on explaining to her what autism is, but you might want to consider this book as a way to help her figure it out when the time comes later down the road. I came across it a few weeks ago, and almost cried because I wish something that direct, clear, and positive had been around when I was 9 and terrified of the idea.

Oh My, I had forgotten this thread. Let me reply anyway!

Improve your Social Skills
This book is written by a man with Aspergers. It has a lot of useful advice. Needless to say, as I'm forgetful and absent minded, I used a highlighter a lot!

What Every Body is Saying
It contains a lot of info on body language, and I have found it helpful. There are some tips to come across more confident. You can also check videos on the web.


How to Talk to Kids So Kids will Listen
Don't misjudge the book! It may seem as not suitable for adults. But it contains a lot of tips that can help improve adult on adult relationships. There are some parts that talk about how we deny people their right to experience a certain feeling. For example :
Person a: My dog died. I'm so sad.
Person b: Oh, but cheer up! you'll have other dogs in the future! don't dwell on it, it's no use! vs.
Person b: I see. It must be tough. You really cared about your dog.

It really makes you ponder.

And of course the most well known books, "how to win friends and influence people", etc. I have been also looking for books on how to hold a conversation, but haven't had much luck yet.

sorry for the late reply

Best of luck!

If you want to get a diagnosis, for whatever reason, you should. I got my diagnosis last year at the age of 42, and it was life-changing for me. I am now finally able to not only accept myself and my differences, but take care of myself better now that I fully understand what my challenges are. Good luck!

Some resources that might help you in the meantime:

• Aspietests.org: for the Ritvo Autism Asperger Diagnostic Scale-Revised test, the Friendship Quotient test, the Autism Spectrum Quotient test, the Empathy Quotient test, the Systematising Quotient test, and more.
  
• Aspienwomen: Moving towards an adult female profile of Autism/Asperger Syndrome
  
• Day 62: Females With Asperger’s Syndrome (Non-Official) Checklist
  
• I am AspienWoman: The Unique Characteristics, Traits, and Gifts of Adult Females on the Autism Spectrum, book by Tania Marshall
  
• Temple Grandin, the film
  
• How People With Autism Fake It: words from behind the mask

Yes. If you're on the spectrum (or heck, even if you're not), you may be prone to over-stimulation. And if you have to logic out social situations that other women can effortlessly intuit, that may also drain you.

So comparing your anxiety to various Aspergers symptoms might help you identify triggers and figure out ways to mitigate them.

For example, if I work in a crowded office, I'll spend my breaks taking short walks outside. The fresh air and physical activity clear my head and it's excellent alone time. Or if I'm at a party, I'll clean up after other guests so I have something to focus on besides aimless socializing.

Though I doubt your GP would flag you as anything, there's a good chance she's simply not knowledgeable about this simply because she's a GP and not a specialist. You'd do better to see a therapist with experience on the spectrum.

At the very least, you might address anxiety by teaching yourself Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

I only have the Kindle preview of a book called 'Spectrum Women', but I like what I've read so far of it and it's quite a generous preview. https://www.amazon.co.uk/Spectrum-Women-Walking-Beat-Autism/dp/1785924346

I have read the Cynthia Kim book and a few Sarah Hendrickx books. I like them!

I really like Sam Craft. She is autistic with an autistic son. She does a lot of blog work and has a lot of resources on the site she's with. She also wrote a book that is really good! I'll put the link to her original blog, the site she now runs with others and her book on Amazon.

Many things that I struggled with after getting my dx, Sam covered somewhere on her blog. I spent days reading her articles. Hopefully, they help in some way for you!

​

https://everydayaspergers.com/tag/samantha-craft/

https://the-art-of-autism.com/ (All the contributors on this site are on the autism spectrum :) )

https://www.amazon.com/Everyday-Aspergers-Samantha-Craft/dp/1610058054?ie=UTF8&%2AVersion%2A=1&%2Aentries%2A=0

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The two I found the most useful are This one which is the first one I started with. Once I went through that book I then got This one along with the manual. I then got myself this diary to keep track of using the skills.


I didn't find all the activities helpful, I think it's about picking and choosing what feels good/works best for you.

The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome by Tony Attwood they have a kindle version! I have loved his lectures/videos and has a LOT to say about how it's different with girls. Book seems more like a study/university class material, but good info!

I honestly believe you can not have a discussion about mindfulness without referencing Thich Nhat Hanh. He is truly a master at this stuff, and I've learned so much from his books and recordings of his talks on youtube.

I recommend starting with Peace is Every Step and the Plum Village youtube channel

It might seem like an odd suggestion, but check out the book PCS to Corporate America. It is written for people getting out of the military, but as a result it has a lot of information about what recruiters are looking for and how to answer common interview questions. I found that having a framework to understand why I was being asked a question helped me develop and practice answers. It made me more confident when I couldn’t read someone’s response.

My therapist recommend Loving Someone with Aspergers for my husband after I was diagnosed a few months ago. It has read about 75% of it & has said it's been very helpful in understanding my diagnosis.

You can volunteer to meet new people and practise social skills. There's a huge range of volunteer jobs you can do. It is also great to put on your resume and to refine other skills you can use in the work place.

Another book you can read is Superhuman Social Skills, which I am reading atm. It's written by a man who used to be very introvert so I hope he will address the insecurities of not being interesting enough or not knowing what to say.

Here are the guided meditations that have helped me most:

https://www.amazon.com/Meditating-Body-Buddhist-Meditations-Enlightenment/dp/1591790387

And this is a book that, while not explicitly about meditation, is very much about changing your mindset in the same way that meditation does and has been very helpful in day to day life for me:

https://www.amazon.com/Power-Now-Guide-Spiritual-Enlightenment-ebook/dp/B002361MLA/

https://www.amazon.com/Encyclopedia-Breeds-Caroline-Coile-Ph-D/dp/0764157000/ref=mp_s_a_1_41?keywords=dog+breeds&qid=1558473655&s=gateway&sr=8-41&utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app

This was mine lol

I feel for your daughter. I struggled so much growing up because of this exact reason. I would recommend the WetBrush brand. A few months ago, WetBrush released a Limited Edition with Disney Princesses! It's still available on Amazon. I hope this helps.

WTF. I found the book too. It's this one from 1993! https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1564581799/ref=ox_sc_act_title_1?smid=A2XW5XF2P0K6EZ&psc=1

It probably sounds stupid, but for as long as I can recall, worrying about injustice in the world used to keep me up crying more nights than not. It still makes me mad and depressed when I think about all the people hungry, in pain, depressed, etc, because there are reasonable solutions towards decreasing human suffering. Meds and learning healthy boundaries (including the realization that the best way to help others is to first care for myself) both helped me deal with it.

I can't understand aggressors either, because I tend to absorb pain and anger of others, so causing harm is unfathomable. My assumption is that people who are aggressors act that way because of a deep hurt or shame that they try to ignore or hide by lashing out, usually because that's how they've seen others cope with their own pain. When I do lash out, inability to deal with my own pain is always the cause. Daring Greatly helped flesh out that theory.

Schadenfreude is not something I experience.