(Part 2) Top products from r/dating

Let’s talk reality here. You are not this man’s equal. To him you’re a pretty girl he can ‘break in’ and fuck, manipulate, and control, because you’re naive. He’s got money and experience, hence all the control in this potential relationship. Said he got divorced but you don’t know why do you? Not really. Could be this is a pattern and his wife found out.

Facts here. You are his coworker’s very young daughter. He’s only been working there a couple years which is a very short amount of time. This dude who waited for your dad to leave to hit on you is exhibiting Extremely Poor Judgement on so many levels. He’s risking you telling your dad which will probably fuck up their friendship, which is already fucked, your dad just doesn’t know it yet. Even if you do nothing or all the things with that guy, he is still the guy who went after his friend’s daughter behind his back.

I mean honestly, there’s no good way this will play out here. This dude is telling you want you want to hear (so mature and smart). Point is to make you feel good and valued, it’s the beginning of what’s called grooming. How will your dad feel if you say yes? Would you reject your dad for this man you honestly barely know? Btw the odds of your dad staying friends with this guy no matter what are not high, but you gotta decide who you want to be loyal to.

This isn’t going to last even if you do go. He’s 50+, in 20 years he could be in an assisted care facility. In 30 he will probably be dead. In 20 years you should be living your awesome life, maybe have kids or working a career you love or traveling or who knows… or you could be wasting your key years of young adultness on this old ass who is gonna manipulate you as long as he can.

I’m in my mid 40s, and young adults like you are very attractive. Y’all so filled with life and excitement, and there’s a thrill about beginning your life that many of us would like to re-experience. But people your are are basically baby adults. You have spent the majority of your life as a child. Your early 20s are key years where you learn what it is to be an adult. They may not be the best years of your life but what you do now will be the foundation of what will come. Because of that people my age should be mentors, not lovers.

I would strongly advise you not use this precious time and sabotage your relationships with your family and friends for some old dick.


So, IF YOU’RE GONNA DO IT ANYWAY, here’s my advice.

Do this only on your terms. Do not give him power over you. He wants what you are, that gives you bargaining power. He may offer money or gifts, be clear that if you accept that you don’t want to feel obligated to him for sex or time. Prioritize your life above everything. Don’t quit college if you’re in school and don’t quit your job if you have one. Even if he offers to pay for everything. The moment he does that for you, you lose all agency. Best advice my G-ma had was you should always have ‘mad money’ to get you out of any situation/relationship. Keep in contact with friends, don’t let him isolate you from everyone who loves you.

May/December relationships rarely last. Anything is possible but that doesn’t make it probable. Maybe this dude is legit and just happened to get a crush on a girl old enough to be his adult daughter and otherwise he’s healthy and stable. From the other side though, people who date young adults generally go through them like tissue leaving emotional damage wake behind them. You’re not on the same level, he has practice and knows exactly what to say to you to get you to melt. Sounds appealing until you figure out he’s just using you.


If you have any twinge of doubt, listen to it.

There’s a book I think all young people should read called The gift of fear. It covers situations like this.

Honestly if this dude was legit he would have talked to your dad, his friend, before making a pass.

Good luck.

Age does not matter. I think a relationship can workout anytime but the probability is low because it is a young age and the people involved might have not thought through lots of aspects and maybe lack the maturity to have a successful relationship. You might feel the pressure to get into one but you should first try to understand why you feel that pressure... is it for the closure? the social image it projects?...etc

From a guy's point of view, I can't tell you what to do but I can definitely tell you what not to do as I have had some pretty terrible relationships. If you want to read more about those, I wrote a book named "10 Rules to A Happy Relationship" https://www.amazon.com/Rules-Happy-Relationship-Shanka-Jayasinha-ebook/dp/B07WZPNDNB/ref=sr_1_2?keywords=shanka+jayasinha&qid=1567936241&s=gateway&sr=8-2

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This is the summary:

Did you ever live the perfect love story only to see it transform into a horrible nightmare?


Based on true stories, 10 Rules to A Happy Relationship delivers the comedic point of view of Michael, a pragmatic, male, feminist going through an abusive relationship.


Twenty-year-old Michael is a college athlete in Los Angeles with big dreams of pursuing a professional career. When the young man suffers a career-ending injury, he decides to go back to his hometown for rehabilitation. While in France, Michael meets the beautiful Veronica, a seemingly kind blond girl with whom he rapidly falls in love and begins a relationship. The newly-formed couple faces the challenges of a long-distance relationship when Michael must return to the USA to finish his degree. After going to great lengths to please Veronica, he returns to France for the greater good of his romance. Unfortunately for him, Veronica turns out to be abominable. From lies to threats and violence, Michael finds himself quickly overwhelmed by the French woman and her entourage.


10 Rules to A Happy Relationship uses a humorous first-person narrative to give an in-depth look at the transformation of Michael’s initial utopian view of love into a more accurate depiction of love in the 21st century. After touching several subjects from gender equality and personal identity to depression and narcissism amongst others, Michael outlines 10 rules to live a healthy relationship.

Hope this helps!

I wouldn't lie to her, but I also don't think you need to force the issue. If the topic comes up naturally in conversation, then I think that's fine to say it. Speak about it with confidence but don't go overboard. Be sincere. Usually, being a virgin is a choice. Maybe you had an opportunity earlier in life and didn't go for it. Also, you could have hired a prostitute and didn't, and, you're STD-free. All good things.

I'd also recommend educating yourself. Being great at sex is usually a combination of education and experience. I'd highly recommend this book.

Finally, something you can say (if you've done a little homework):
"I haven't done this before, but I've taken time to learn and explore what it takes to be a great lover. I'm here to do the best I can, and I'm excited to be here with you."

We can all struggle with that, so it is a normal thing to question our own value in my opinion. It's not normal in that situation to "realize" you are of "no value" and then trust that realization without reference... This is the equivalent of asking a dog about quantum theory and trusting the answer, but inside our heads this is what we in effect do. The emotional feeling of being worthless barks at our intellect, and our intellect interprets this as a truth, absurd when analyzed, so disregard it.

The Drama of the Gifted Child may be a good book to look at for you, interesting perspectives.

The moral emotions is an interesting read about why anger (or despair) can be so addicting and seem so "right" when it is happening.

The Happiness Hypothesis also by Jonathan Haidt is a great read about our emotions vs our intellect...

Tribe is a good read on finding where you fit, more related to soldiers and post combat, but apply it to your current situation and find your tribe.

Glad you are still with us, and no matter what you feel, you are not alone.

Edit: authors name from autocorrect purgatory...

Again, by belittling and dismissing the information we give you do yourself no favors. You don't need to agree with it. You don't need to follow it. But admitting that is our experience will help you.

> but to be able to gauge a guy's real feelings for me. I have very little actual interest in committing to a guy who's with me because he has NO better option. I want to find something REAL, not necessarily a relationship.

Empathy will help you understand/gague his perspective. Baring that ask him directly (words are awesome like that). Just understand that from his perspective you are asking for a commitment from him. Even if you don't see it that way.

> So I want to know when a guy hesitates, why? He cannot trust me yet? He doesn't feel all that much for me yet but doesn't want to lose the sex? He doesn't even know what he feels yet because he's not in tune with his feelings? Is there someone else he prefers and would like to be with but he doesn't have the chance with her?

You will need to ask him, and listen. I'd reccomend The good man project for some reading. It's targeted at men, but it might illuminate some of the s.h.i.t. we have to deal with on a daily basis, things that haunt us for years even when we don't realize it. Things that simply doesn't exist for you. It may help you bridge the gap of understanding why he's hesitating, and how difficult it is for us to handle feelings.

And to say it simply: Yes, it is entirely possible that he can't trust you. Possibly through no fault of your own - but through the experiences he's had up until that point. The Speed of Trust for more on trust.

> My mind makes up a million different reasons, and the course of action for each is different. If a guy doesn't feel that much yet, I could maybe stick around and work on our bond. If a guy just sort of wants me around because he cannot get what he really wants yet, I would like to hightail out of there.

Communication is key. Relate those things to him, and listen when he responds. Also understand that your wants and needs will change over time. The you of 10 years ago is different than the you of today, and is different than the you of 10 years from now. And the same applies for him.

You sound like you are throwing in the towel, which I did for two years after 22 years of no action and much, much frustration. So I'm just gonna recommend three books that helped me out. I highly, highly recommend the first. The second is what got me out of my funk. These two books helped me understand women where before I frankly didn't know shit. The third one is great for confidence/self esteem, which can help anyone.

The Way of the Superior Man

How to be a 3% Man

6 Pillars of Self Esteem

I am aware of how cringey/snake oil'sy some of these books come off as(especially How to be a 3% Man), but they are good.

Edit: And if you aren't going to read any of this stuff, at least do yourself a favor and work on improving your posture. It makes a huge difference in how people respond to you.

This books gives me a good perspective and practice on how to feel balance and healthy while being single. All the best :)


How to Be Single and Happy: Science-Based Strategies for Keeping Your Sanity While Looking for a Soul Mate

https://www.amazon.com/How-Single-Happy-Science-Based-Strategies/dp/0143130994

Holy fuck dude why'd you hit her up so much?

I know if I went to a wedding, on a saturday night too the next day I probably would be all over social media on sunday, posting pics, looking back on vids, etc.

Imagine if instead of texts and fb messages you left her messages on an answering machine back in the 90s. If you came home and some chick you made out with a few times called and left 2 or 3 messages in a row all in ONE DAY. You see where i'm going with this? This is what texting and messages are in OUR era.

I think by sunday night she probably already was turned off by that, and then you sealed the deal with calling, and even more messages. We ALL want what we can't have, so being slightly allusive, i'm not talking bullshit games high schoolers play but just a liiiiiiiiitle out of reach makes us want it even more. So you being so insanely available and desperate for her responses took all the chase away from her.


Honestly I would definitely recommend reading the book Modern Romance, it's partially funny, partially dating advice, just overall a good read, and I guarantee if you read it you'll completely see where you went wrong on this situation.

I had a situation when my wife asked for some space, but I was so insecure and afraid, that I can lose her, I managed to prove that we shouldn't make a break, etc. Finally it happened that we divorced anyway, so if I would get into similar situation, I would give her space this time as sometimes giving space can help a relationship.

Talking about your situation I believe, that you boyfriend can have fear of commitment and giving some space might make him want to get back. You can read more about it in book Yes, No, Maybe by Stefanie Stahl (https://www.amazon.com/Yes-No-Maybe-recognize-commitment-ebook/dp/B00UZKS7VE)

Check this book out https://www.amazon.com/Overcoming-Social-Anxiety-Shyness-Behavioral/dp/0465005454

It helped my brother a lot.

You have to work on you first before you can find and make an "us" work.

Good luck.

>I don’t get off from it and find it painful if I’m not properly lubricated.

Stop messing around with guys who don't know what they are doing and neither of those will be a problem. And I don't mean just in bed,...I mean not knowing what they are doing over all in general. This happens because you are just not that into the guy,...and most of the time that is the guy's fault.

I don't know of any material directly addressing this. But this one book includes some of this. If nothing else it will help you understand yourself better and more importantly will help you know the difference between biological drives and psychological/emotional drives and how the two work in tandem within you. It is important to read the introduction at the beginning of the book to grasp it's purpose before getting into the rest of the book. I am currently working my way through the book right now.

https://www.amazon.com/Sperm-Wars-Infidelity-Conflict-Bedroom/dp/1560258489

This has to be a joke.

The book Dataclysm shows statistics collected from online dating sites. As you can see the chart on the right shows which ages are most attractive to men as they age. Now it's horribly skewed because all of us men are stupid. But, it shows that a 28 year old guy is MOST interested in a girl your age.

So where can you find one? Anywhere. All of us. Just pick one! ;-p

I don't have online source, it's hard to find because, i think, of the new age movement and other bullshit.

Those two are good, i would recommend the first one

https://www.amazon.fr/Inner-Work-Dreams-Imagination-Personal/dp/0062504312/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1551133202&sr=8-1&keywords=inner+work+robert+A+johnson

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https://www.amazon.fr/Meeting-Shadow-Connie-Zweig/dp/087477618X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1551133078&sr=8-1&keywords=meeting+the+shadow

there's a section on that in this book.

Read the book The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck

Spend some time watching Jordan Peterson on YouTube. Also, try reading his book 12 Rules for Life.

Change your life, change your way of thinking.

M30 here
I remember when I had the same issue, I got a book on the history of the Samurai. I brought a highlighter and sticky notes to a cafe and tabbed the hell out of that book. I noted every clan, every distinction of the clan, famous swordmakers, beheading "showings". I took to those stories to heart. Those men exhibited such amazing discipline that I wanted to follow suit.

Aaaaaaand, when I met up with the chick, i would have the book in my bag. Eventually, she saw the book that was tabbed to hell. BOOM. She thought that was sexy as hell (don't stage it/force her to see it). She KNOWS that you have greater ambitions in life. That is pure catnip. ~10 years later and I still have that book. She isn't around, but that book is, and it is still catnip.

The trick is to maintaining a schedule time to devour the book. When she asks to hang out during that time (and she will target that time), tell her that you are a bit busy during that scheduled time. Say, "How about afterwards?"

Other good books about discipline:

Rules for a Knight

Man's search for meaning

Also, turn off your ringer/vibrate on your phone. Put that phone in a backpack. It took me until 23 to figure that one out. Ignore the phone. Why does she need an immediate response? She doesn't.
If she gets frustrated, she will take it out on you sexually. No joke. She will fight for your attention. Just keep up with that book. Even if you do get your intended reaction from her. You put that book down and you'll be worried all over again. Not fun, is it?

If she is really young, she might try to make you jealous. If that is the case, she is bad news. I doubt that you will get here, but it is a red flag to remember. Find another girl who will see that tabbed book. Profit$$$