(Part 2) Top products from r/hoarding

> I moved out a few years ago and I couldn't figure out how everyone else kept their homes so tidy. I'd clear up, mop, throw away rubbish, bleach everything and within a week it was back to tiptoe-ing over bags of things and empty food packets and cat litter.

One of the things I realized when I first moved out on my own was that my parents had taught me how to clean, but not when to clean.

Actually, that's not quite accurate. I was taught that when it all became too much (usually about once every two to three months), to devote an whole weekend (or as much as a week during summer vacation) to an all-out, full court press approach to cleaning. Starting on Friday night there would be hours and hours of non-stop sorting, organizing, throwing away, dusting, sweeping, mopping, etc.. It meant giving up an entire weekend, was utterly exhausting, and was extremely demotivating. When I moved out on my own, I never wanted to clean when things got bad because I learned this was how you clean house.

What I eventually figured out is that the best housekeepers--once they have their house where they want it--spend somewhere between 10 and 30 minutes a day maintaining the state of the house. So rather than spending two to three days on one huge deep-cleaning rampage, good housekeepers break cleaning down into small, manageable tasks that only take a few minutes every day. Essentially, they do a handful of daily cleaning tasks, and one slightly larger cleaning task, per day.

It was like a light bulb turning on in my head. I would much rather spend 15 or 30 minutes a day tidying up than three or more days deep-cleaning every two or three months.

If you ever read the classic children's book Little House on the Prairie, you might recall Ma Ingall's housekeeping schedule:

> "Wash on Monday,
>
> Iron on Tuesday,
>
> Mend on Wednesday,
>
> Churn on Thursday,
>
> Clean on Friday,
>
> Bake on Saturday,
>
> Rest on Sunday."

If you've ever read any books on the history of housekeeping (Home Comforts by Cheryl Mendelson is a nice introduction to it), you'll know that the above was the traditional housekeeping schedule for much of American history. Some folks have come up with modernized versions (example), and of course I just posted one here yesterday.

The point of schedules like this is three-fold:

1. Houses don't just magically stay clean. The best housekeeper you know works a little bit every single day to keep their house in shape.
   
2. The reason that they only have to clean a little bit every day is because they have a routine to keep ahead of the cleaning and clutter.
   
3. Once you develop a routine that works for you, staying ahead of cleaning and clutter is trivial. Seriously, you'll kick yourself for not having gotten a routine sooner.
   
   And here's a secret that I learned when I adopted a housekeeping schedule: If something happens and you can't do your routine for a day or two, your house doesn't immediately descend into utter chaos. Trust me when I tell you, it's a LOT easier to recover from missing a couple of days of small tasks that from a giant hoard.
   
   "Wash on Monday" is, at it's essence, the same thing as the "Starting Small" approach mentioned in the Hoarding Resource List in the sidebar. It's breaking down housekeeping into manageable tasks, saying "Today I will work on X, and only X."
   
   What ultimately worked for me was this:
   
   
4. Using a housekeeping schedule very similar to the one I posted. (I don't recall where I found the one I use, but there's only very minor differences between it and the one I posted).
   
5. I bought the book Speed Cleaning by Jeff Campbell. You can by the book used for pennies, or order the PDF version from his website.
   
   Campbell has owned/run a professional housekeeping service in California for decades, and their service is known for being able to clean a standard-size 1-story home in 15 minutes or less. This book breaks down their cleaning method for the homeowner--Campbell tells you what cleaning tools and chemicals to use (and why), tells you what rooms to start in (and why), tells you where in that room to start (and why), and literally walks you through how to clean an individual room. It is NOT a book of housekeeping "tips", but actual instructions on how to clean in a certain way, and why that way is both effective and efficient.
   
   Campbell's method is now how I clean my house, and I absolutely recommend this book to any recovering hoarder who's gotten past the retaining-items stage and is now trying to develop housekeeping skills. I will state that the very first time you try his cleaning method, it won't take 15 minutes per room because obviously you're starting out learning it. But as you continue to use it and get used to it, you will speed up considerably.
   
   It sounds like right now you have a lot of clutter to get rid of, but it also sounds like you know how to get rid of it and are able to let go, and that puts you WAY ahead of a lot of hoarders. Once you get your apartment back where you want it, I suggest that you:
   
   

• get a copy of Speed Cleaning,
  
• learn Campbell's cleaning method for each room,
  
• and then use the housekeeping schedule above (maybe combined with this one from Molly Maids) to develop a housekeeping routine that works for you.
  
  Finally, if you get to a point in your recovery where you want to start exploring different housekeeping systems, please visit /r/messyhomes. The mod, /u/Bellainara has hoarding tendencies herself, and welcomes people with similar struggles. You can contact her with any questions. The intro post for /r/messyhomes is here.
  

I'm sorry that you had to give up things when you didn't feel ready. I'm sure your son was only trying to help.

I think the emotional loss you feel right now is greater than the actual replacement-value loss of the items - but no mistake, your feelings are valid. But maybe it will help to focus on 1) son's good intentions and 2) knowledge that youngest son's needs can be met relatively inexpensively?

Old textbooks really don't hold up, even writing. Your mother's books have great sentimental value for you but I don't think they would do the best job for your youngest. Also, you can get the Herroit box set for $35 from Amazon, if you really need it. But your library should be able to place an inter-library loan request for you, too. Your son's school should also be able to do that and get the books pretty quickly.

Edit: Maybe you can try also recognizing that the value of the books lies in your awareness of them, not the physical shells. Physical items are replaceable. The fact that you had knowledge of certain books relevant to your child's interest, and could tell him -- that's the real value. You might be frustrated that you need to do things a little differently (place a library request, order online) in order to get the physical book, but it's do-able.

I can relate to a lot of this. I grew up in a toxic household that gave VERY mixed signals on cleaning and organizing. Your paralysis in cleaning up and completing tasks on time is quite likely due to being neurally wired that way by a fearful and fraught upbringing. It takes directed effort to undo it (often via a trauma-aware therapist) and sometimes also meds.

I dunno if you've read anything about c-PTSD, but if you don't have the means to regularly see a therapist right now, it might help to read up on trauma and its long-term effects. Pete Walker has some good articles on his site. The book Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life is also very insightful. And have you seen anyone about your depression? For real, antidepressants helped me a LOT with general motivation.

For learning to stay on task, I found ADD-friendly Ways to Organize Your Life to be super helpful. I've never been diagnosed with ADHD; it was just a really good starting point for someone like me. FlyLady is a very gentle, positive site for learning about how to tidy up, so check that out.

Also, I promise not all Millennials are Konmari minimalists who will judge you forever for having stuff. I've seen all levels of stuff in the homes of people my age or younger. Friends were on the whole way more chill (maybe too chill) than I expected about the condition of my apartment over the years.

Apologize to her for trying to push her to get rid of things too quickly (hint: if you work with her on "cleaning" or "decorating" or "decluttering" these will also result, as you go through things together, in at first one or two items and then as she gets more confident boxes/bags of items that she is willing to have go to another "home" ie: to donate or get rid of)

ask her what kind of help she wants

Do the help that she wants. Better with her than for her.

Browse amazon online with her looking for books along the lines of what she wants help with. Helpful hint for her: don't buy everything, avoid the "buy together" promos like the plague, "want list" any items of interest and then narrow it down to two or three when buying. Work with her to set up a want list if she doesn't have one already.

Also "just happen to" browse clutter and hoarding books in amazon if she hasn't already done so above. She can add some of those to her want list.

Come across this book : One-Thing-At-Time-100 Ways to Live Clutter-Free and include this in the two or three books she actually orders.

On your way out, offer to take the items she has set aside for donation/trash to their new destination. Even if it's just one or two items. Respectfully do what she wants with these things, and report same to her next time you connect. hint:Trust will build.

tldr: understand and value her priorities, help her establish the pathways to achieve . Provide logistical support, but don't override her choices.

This is helping my ADHD relative (we have weekly appointments where I go through it with him): www.amazon.com/Mastering-Your-Adult-ADHD-Cognitive-Behavioral/dp/0190235586/

Do you have an ultra-organized friend who can go through it with you? ($40 book = cheaper than weekly therapist appointments)

Have you read Constructive Living?

Here's a quick youtube review of the book.

It's a short, but an interesting counterpoint to your idea that she needs to fix herself emotionally before she can take action.

Dirty Little Secret by Jessie Sholl is another good book on the subject.

I agree very similar to ACOA, ie children of alcoholics. Before there was anything on hoarding, this helped me a lot
https://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Alcoholics-Syndrome-Discovery/dp/0553272799/ref=sr_1_6?ie=UTF8&qid=1526502459&sr=8-6&keywords=adult+children+of+alcoholics+book

Here it is on Amazon. Come back and remind us when it's available in the U.S. http://www.amazon.com/Trash-Innocent-Shocking-Squalor-Neglect/dp/075355559X