(Part 2) Top products from r/howtonotgiveafuck

TL;DR: practice learned optimism, self-compassion, gratitude.

I - Learned Optimism
> And It's not 'aprroval' that I really wants, It's respect.

Mmmh, I think that's just a way to rephrase it, really. It's ok to want approval, or attention, or respect, or whatever you prefer to call it, because we all do, to an extent.

A lot of people are all about improving self-esteem and being confident in order for your life to come together and for you to start having what you dream of. I don't agree with that. As you said, you "can not see [your] own good quality", and that's the problem here.

I think what might help you accept yourself and feel better in your own skin is looking at self-compassion and learning to reframe your thoughts. Reframing your thoughts is crucial because it is what determines whether you get stuck with a "I'm worthless, I can't do anything and everything sucks" attitude, or if you can switch that around to "Well, this may feel crap, but I can do X and Y pretty well, and if I've managed that, I sure can manage to start on Z and get good enough at it."

There's a couple of books I would recommend for reframing your thoughts: Learned Optimism, by Martin Seligman, who looks at the nature of our thoughts (are we more pessimistic or more optimistic) and in which areas we could benefit from being more optimistic so that we learn to switch our thoughts around and feel better and more motivated to start or carry on difficult tasks.

The other book is Mind Over Mood, by Dennis Greenberger and Christine Padesky, which offers hands-on practical exercises to learn to reframe your thoughts, with a dash of science sprinkled in-between each exercise.

II - Self-compassion

The other point I made about self-compassion is a little more difficult to accept, mostly because compassion can have a not-so-great connotation attached to it, where you feel like being compassionate makes you weak or self-indulgent and you try to avoid it. As a result you can be very tough towards yourself and others, which results in self-hatred, constant self-berating, self-criticism, etc because you think it makes you strong not to make concessions. There's research that shows that these things don't actually really help, and they are what actually makes you appear weak to others.

Self-compassion will help you become kinder to yourself and recognising that those things you're criticising yourself over happen to everyone. You become more understanding of your emotions and mind in the moment, as well as that of others, and it helps you become less harsh towards yourself and others. With less self-criticism to take care of, you have more time to appreciate what you like about yourself, and it will give you a boost to try new things and get better at what you want to practice.

It becomes a strength because you become less and less affected by bad events. It helps you become more resilient as you don't constantly blame yourself for everything, or blame everyone else for everything because you can't accept criticism. It helps you becoming more at ease with your own feelings of failure or inadequacy, which eventually lessens those feelings. Another thing to bear in mind is that it is not self-pity or self-indulgence. True self-compassion isn't "oh I had a crap day, I'll just have this tub of ice-cream", it's more of a "oh, I felt ashamed for getting angry at this person, but this is a normal emotion to have and that doesn't make me a monster. This person also got angry at me, so clearly we're all in this together and that's ok. I will take a deep breath next time and try to be more patient".

Kristin Neff is my go-to person for self-compassion, and she has a great book that explains the science behind self-compassion, as well as exercises you can follow to improve your own. She also has an Audible book with a bunch of meditation exercises to help you become more self-compassionate.


III - Gratitude

> Everything feel like a big hollow for me when I see someone I know 'have their own life', It's illogical to think this way but It's been plaguing me years and years.

Focus on yourself. Focus on your progress, focus on making your own grass green instead of looking at how much greener the neighbour's grass is. Of course yours isn't as green, if you spent as much time watering it as you do staring at your neighbour's grass, it'd probably be as green!

Practice gratitude for what you have, learn to cherish the process, rather than the results. You don't see how much sweat, blood and tears have gone into someone's "ideal life". It might look like they have it all figured out, but you might not see how much they hate their job, or how difficult things have been with their spouse, or the fact that one of their close family member has cancer, or the number of hours they poured into their code trying to fix bugs, or practicing an instrument, etc.

Look at what you have, and cherish the fact that you had a good night's sleep in a comfy bed, or that your favourite author just released a new book, or the fact that it'll be a nice walk to work under the sun. All these small things amount to a lot, and they will help you realise that your life isn't so bad after all, and motivate you to try things or keep at things you are finding difficult.

I'm 30 and still working that out, but have made progress.

For me, the journey has heavily involved psychology books, through which I have come to understand myself and my hangups better. Karen Horney was great for me, Our Inner Conflicts and Neurosis and Human Growth are works of genius. Firestone's The Fantasy Bond has helped me out a lot as well.

At the end of the day, it becomes what everybody else says: you jump in feet first and do your best. Start hitting on girls in more situations. Start being more honest about what you want, instead of thinking you have to be all roundabout. Etc. If a man pretends to be disinterested in sex, a woman will assume he is disinterested in sex.

But getting to the stage where I could even begin to do that has involved a whole lot of fucking psychology, for me anyway.

Realizing I'm a little late to this threat. However, I've long struggled accepting that I need much time alone to reflect. Finally took the courage to write about it. It's interesting to see how much feedback from like minded people I get now. So I guess I agree, stop seeking validation from others and do what you want to do.

I'm posting the link to my book here. Not sure if it's considered spam or promotion. It's free on amazon anyways. I hope you enjoy reading it. Maybe it helps you get started on your journey of not giving a fuck what others want you to do. Here it is: Alone Time

Actually I wouldn't be surprised if the replies are dudes either. Just because it's really easy to armchair quarterback someone else's problems, particularly when they're heavy on feelings.

Telling someone "just get over it and quit being so sensitive" is super fucking easy when it's not your own life, you know?

Also, you'd probably laugh a lot with this book (similarly themed to our discussion). It slayed me: http://www.amazon.com/Fifty-Years-Well-All-Chicks/dp/0307717380/

OP, you need to read "Your Money or Your Life". There's so much more to life than work and money, you just need help to realize that. Figure out what truly makes you happy, and then pursue that instead of status/career/money.

Hey try to get your hands on this book:
http://www.amazon.com/Creative-Aggression-George-R-Bach/dp/0385087462
It helped me a lot. But the words are a bit outdated (he calls black people "Nigger" and so on). Anyway, it's a great book and a used copy is almost for free.

I guess that could be true. I'm really interested in artforms which specifically try to sidestep the give-a-fuck aspect. Automatic drawing etc. Also, this book gave me a whole new understanding of the benefits and process of drawing. I find now that fetishising the artefact (the drawing / painting, whatever) is kind of hollow, and can be quite discouraging during periods of slower progress or experimentation with new techniques.

Those are good book recommendations. Amazon links for the lazy:

• The Invisible Gorilla: How Our Intuitions Deceive Us
  
• How to Win Friends and Influence People

Well, ultimately, your feelings about death are totally irrelevant.
So... maybe it's best to decide to have more pleasant feelings about it.

Or.. maybe you should look into Existentialism? http://www.amazon.com/Existentialism-A-Very-Short-Introduction/dp/0192804286/

There's a book I'd like to recommend off the back of this comment. It's awesome.

I am reading Epictetus' Enchiridion right now and I suggest buying it. $2 on Amazon.

Enchiridion: http://www.amazon.com/Enchiridion-Dover-Thrift-Editions-Epictetus/dp/0486433595

Art of Living: http://www.amazon.com/Art-Living-Classical-Happiness-Effectiveness/dp/0061286052

That AoL book doesn't have the most amazing reviews, but I think it is the only version. Does anyone know of another/better version?

Read this book and then slap her face with it.

‘Nothing Special’ by Charlotte Joko Beck.

You should read The Tracker.

[Yes you can](
https://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/0091906814)

I used to have a pretty severe fear of heights. I got over it in college by playing a year-long game of D&D where I played a bird-like creature that could fly. (Intentionally picked that, actually, for this reason.) I think imagining that you enjoy the outdoors on a regular basis would help.

Also, this: http://www.amazon.com/You-Can-With-Self-Hypnosis/dp/0139766138 I've had this book help so many friends who wanted to quit smoking, lose weight, stop whatever they couldn't get themselves to stop.

(Nothing bothering me was what I'd call "crippling", mind.)

HTH!

You probably should GAF to an extent if you don't want to be a 40 year old virgin and die alone. HTNGAF is for social anxiety, not for giving up on what you want. Improve yourself. There's tons of books and resources on the internet about it. If you truly are hideously ugly, it's almost certainly because you don't take care if yourself well enough.

/r/nofap

https://www.amazon.com/Mate-Become-Man-Women-Want/dp/0316375365

Etc

http://www.amazon.com/Going-Solo-Extraordinary-Surprising-Appeal/dp/0143122770

This is more common than you think. In fact if you have natural traits where being alone is more comfortable than being in a relationship, you are pretty much set for a good comfortable life.


Being in a relationship is one of the most risky thing people do, but they must because being alone is just not an option for these mostly extroverts.


People who are alone are productive in non-relationship related aspects of life such as money, health and more time to pounder in general philosophical thoughts about the world (which feedbacks into more self improvements and understanding). If people tell you you're selfish for nothing wanting to care for others, well, that is one person out of 7+ billions. No one is that significant at all, so that argument is quite meaningless.

We get married, have kids not for sake of helping others, but because most people can't fantom a life being alone and its really of a more selfish act. NGAF to these need for social ties frees you into a life of extraordinary.

I think giving a fuck is the main source of pain, no matter if things are good or bad. When things are bad, people agnonise over it to an extreme degree which just entrenches the problems. When things are good, people become fearful and defensive because they're scared that things will go bad, which leads people to agonise over their life in the same way as when things are bad. I think the main problem is that people experience life and cling to it too intensely. Not giving a fuck is standing back and having a healthy objective perspective.

Western society constantly shoves the idea of positive thinking down everyones throat, if things are bad you just gotta contort your attitudes to fit a fake ideal, and if things are good you gotta keep that positive steam train running full tilt, no matter if you're headed for a cliff. Positive Thinking is exactly the kind of delusional bullshit that Not Giving a Fuck is supposed to resolve. This subreddit is getting hijacked by well meaning people who don't really understand that.

A thorough debunking of the Positive Thinking mind virus: Bright-Sided: How Positive Thinking Is Undermining America by Barbara Ehrenreich