(Part 2) Top products from r/introvert

You're welcome. Having my own history of social anxiety and being hurt, I can see a little of myself in both of you which is why I want to help as well as I can.

Regarding the virtual hug thing, I'd say you're definitely overreacting. It might just be that he didn't want to just exactly copy you, as that might imply him not having his own personality. It might be that he does not really feel such virtual signs affection are that important, since they are nothing like the real thing but just pixels on a screen. What is a virtual hug, anyway? And don't you think him reciprocating a virtual kiss far outweighs him not reciprocating a virtual hug? How is a virtual kiss a way of holding back?

Don't focus on little things that might be missing (the virtual hug), but on the big things you do actually have. You two are in touch everyday. You are one of only very few people he confided his childhood trauma to (that he had for a very long time not even talked about to his mother) and he sought your emotional support when he had a bad day. Plus he actively reached out to you for that. Don't you think these are huge signs he feels really close to you, that you very likely already are the most important person to him? I see his opening up as a big step forward. Telling you how "fucked up" his life is already requires a lot of trust and your continued support and affection following his confessions will boost his trust in you even further. Do you also confide in him? That will show him that you trust him as well. I think it is important that he knows that he also is an important source of support to you.

About whether his feelings for you are of a growing and romantic nature: Of course you never "know", but as your relationship already has a physical intimacy component to it, I highly doubt he sees you as "just a friend". And I wouldn't share deep feelings with someone I don't feel very close to and also see being close to in the future, so I'd also rule out that he still sees you as a temporary dating partner. Maybe he is just as anxious to "seal the deal" with you but thinks he might seem too desperate coming forward too early. Maybe he first wants to make sure you know about his flaws before he's comfortable to do so, so that you know what you are "getting yourself into" and will not get the feeling of being tricked into something. I can imagine he would be just as destroyed if he was left by you, as you would be if you were left by him. So don't be afraid, but patient. Patient with him, patient with yourself. Take the time to reflect on your own feelings for him. What exactly are they enforced by? Is it genuine happiness you feel when being together, or is it only alleviation of pain? Do you want a relationship with him (and why him) or do you rather need it (a need that could just as well be fulfilled by someone else)? The better you understand your own feelings, the better you can deal with and act on them.

Of course you can't see the future, nobody can, and you might fear that one day he might not need you any more. Remember that he might fear the same about you (he probably does). And the only way out of this fear is to work on your relationship and, to that end, on yourselves. As I said, the most stable relationships are those that both partners don't absolutely need, but want anyway. That's what you (and anyone else, for that matter) should strive for. Right now you both desperately need each other and that is okay, but in the long term you need to think about the question: If we were both happy about ourselves and didn't need permanent validation and emotional support from each other, what would make us want to be together anyway? At the latest when you have helped each other to defeat your self-esteem issues your relationship cannot simply be based on helping each other in bad times, but will have to thrive on the good times: the fun you have together, the compliments for achievements, the interesting conversations. For that to happen, you need to know yourselves. Know what brings you fun, know your goals and work towards them, know your interests. And as I already said, as long as you do it for yourself and not for anyone else, working on yourself will pay off in any case. It will help you with relationships and it will help you when being rejected. You said that you already have great conversations with your partner, that you both have similar goals in life, and that you try to work on yourself in therapy. That's great! You're moving in the right direction.

Do you think philosophy might be something that could interest you? You seem to worry a lot about the feeling of being worthless, especially upon being rejected. For a long time, I thought it would be impossible to see my life as intrinsically valuable; I thought that I would always need validation by others to be able to enjoy life in the first place. Learning about philosophy has helped me with that. I'm not yet where I want to be, but I'm definitely less anxious. If you feel like you could be interested, you might give this playlist a try and/or read Sophie's World by Jostein Gaarder, a book written for young adults as an introduction to Western Philosophy. Another book I can recommend is Anne Frank's diary. Learning about her dreams and interests, her love of life and nature, and on the other hand her fears and her loneliness, and the sheer fact that she didn't get the chance to live the life she dreamed of, this all made my own problems seem somehow... less severe.

In any case: Chin up! I'm optimistic things will work out for you!

Have you ever seen the film Little Miss Sunshine? You might enjoy it if you happen to find a spare minute. There's a character in it who's a teenager like yourself who takes a vow of silence, for political reasons in his case. You might expect that the film might take the attitude of making fun of him, and occasionally it does, but it also takes a very human and understanding attitude towards him. If I recall correctly he's really one of the best characters.

Keep in mind this film is what you might call black humor; please don't blame me if you watch it and it offends you. But it might also make you smile as it has made me smile. I hope you enjoy it if you do watch it.

Anyway, you sound like you're in a place where you are trying to heal and mourn. I don't know what it's like to experience your mental state, so no one except you can tell you whether it is a healthy place or not. Does that make sense? Human contact is really important to the healthy human experience, but it's not like you're completely forgoing human contact (e.g. you're presumably still listening to class discussion and responding in nominal ways, and here you are, also, talking to us). That's still a lot of stimulation as /u/NotBeth pointed out; I definitely would feel overstimulated if I had to sit through high school again.

You sound like you're working on yourself right now, possibly in a way that you don't fully understand. Certainly it's unlikely that we, from reading 82 words that you posted on the Internet, can understand what's going on.

From noticing your posts elsewhere on this account, it definitely seems like you are struggling with some depression. So, as a fellow stoner, a former teacher, and a person who has also suffered loss and who has struggled with depression, I actually will issue some advice.

• Smile sometimes. Smile at yourself in the mirror. This might sound like stupid advice but it isn't. Smiles make people happy, and it works shockingly well on oneself.
  
  
• Cut the weed to a bare minimum, if not completely out of your life. I say this as a semi-daily stoner myself - but I'm 28 years old and fully physically mature. Weed in teenage years is associated with anxiety disorders in adulthood. That is no joke. While you are still physically growing, you need to let yourself reach physical maturity without too much physical interference. The weed will still be there when you're 22 or 23. /r/leaves is a resource for you; they're committed to quitting weed and they're not too terribly pretentious about it.
  
  
• Find people to talk to about these feelings -- not necessarily on an "every day" basis, but it's important to be able to process them and trying to do so alone is massively overrated. Some suggestions: your doctor (if they are a good doctor), a therapist (always an excellent call; I'm sure your parents would hook you up if you haven't been speaking for two weeks lol), or the web site 7 Cups of Tea, which connects you anonymously right away to a caring listener via text chat, and there are other self-care exercises you can do.
  
  
• None of this means you're crazy/weak/not a man/not a woman/whatever you might be worrying about. Part of this self-care stuff means learning to listen to the narratives that you tell yourself when you're in your head, and pruning the unhealthy ones (not in a violent way, but in a nurturing way) so that the healthy ones can grow.
  
  
• Continue to let yourself grieve in your own way. In a way I think you are wise and courageous to give yourself "permission" to adopt this silence. But don't overdo it, because as I said, going it alone is overrated.
  
  
• Join us in /r/meditation if you want to find a community of others who are all working on ourselves, as patiently as we can. I warn you however that we are very long-winded over there.
  
  Please feel free to message me if you'd like to chat. Good luck!
  
  Edit: One final thing -- there is a book out there called The Miracle of Mindfulness that has helped me more than I can possibly say. I would be happy to pay for you to have a copy -- if you buy one off Amazon and post proof, I would be happy to PayPal you the cost of the book & shipping ($14.48 it looks like).

>How do I continuously be happy and keep up a good mood daily?

Andrew Weil just wrote a book and in it he talks about how we can't expect to be happy every day all the time. Basic contentment is what I work for, and it happens as I just appreciate what I have. Since I hike a lot, I appreciate being home with running water, shelter, and lots of things many take for granted. Appreciation of what we have (food, shelter, medicine, health, etc), over and over again, can bring a lot of contentment.

>How can I stop judging people, and myself?

Notice the difference between judgement and discernment. We always have discernment, as in, "do I want an apple or an orange." It's not bad, it's just the way we make decisions. If you are constantly seeing the bad in yourself, start to look for the good: kindness, humor, awareness, intelligence, truthfulness, gratitude, etc.

We always have discernment, it's necessary, and self-judgement diminishes when we actively look for the positive in ourselves as well as others. We're all a mixed bag, no one is perfect.

>How can I not be jealous?

Learn to be happy for another's happiness. The jealousy may be strong at first, but realize there is no limit to happiness, it's like air. The possibilities are as open as your creativity. So, if you are jealous of your friend with a girl, be happy for him. When your friends are doing better, just be happy for them.

After years of working on jealousy, I've found I really appreciate my life and what I've got. It's weird, but I don't want to be in anyone else's shoes. My life, as boring as it may be (though it's had lots of excitement, just not by movie-worthy standards), I wouldn't trade it for anything.

>For some more experienced introverts, how did you handle high-school, and how did it turn out for you?

In high school, back in the dark ages of the late 1970s, I enjoyed my classes and teachers, but never really related to my peers. Within a year of graduating I was no longer in touch with any of them, and I don't regret it. They are and were fine people, I just never really clicked with them. I never go to any reunions. Looking back, it was a rather dysfunctional time for me on many levels. When I got to college I found people who had similar interests, was relatively social, and I'm still in touch with several friends from that time.

>Are these all skills that I can acquire with practice or is there something I'm missing?

There are definitely social skills I practiced when I was in my 40s with a therapist and some close friends, but they were not things I could have done on my own. You could do this sort of thing, but it requires another person. Or, if you're interested in "How to make friends" I suspect there are books out there. For me, I had to work on some listening skills as well as validating skills, as well as some other fine points.

I have no immediate advice about hanging out with friends or not. I'd say stay true to yourself. If it's not working with friends at this time, it's just not working. You're all going through a lot of changes, year to year. That settles as you get older, and the changes that do happen are less noticeable outside, but very worthwhile inside.

I recommend reading The Positive Power of Negative Thinking by Julie Norem.

It's been a few years since I read it, so I don't remember it in detail, but the idea, as I recall, is that what you're describing is more of a pessimistic behavior than an introvert one. I would expect the two correlate often, but aren't necessarily linked. Simply put, pessimism is considered thinking before you act/speak, not so much the popular "glass-half-empty" concept, whereas optimism is acting/speaking before you think. When I read the book, it seemed that the research was still relatively new, and somewhat controversial, so there may be better materials available, now.

As a pessimistic introvert, the book very much resonated with me. It doesn't follow the age old idea that optimists are successful because they are optimistic, and if pessimists want to be successful, they too must be optimistic. Instead, the research showed that pessimists acting optimistically were more likely to fail, and it suggests that pessimists should embrace their pessimism, and find ways to use it to their advantage in work/society.

Anyway, it was a short book without too many psychological/research details, and was a good overview/eye-opener for me. While the details have escaped me over the years, the general idea has stuck, and I find it much easier to deal with things like having to think before I speak.

edit: mixed up a few words

I am finding it very challenging. Even thinking about times that I've felt anxious can make me feel anxious, and this method pretty much requires you to look at anxiety and dissect it. There's also substantial 'homework' in the form of one or two page worksheets where you try to identify the individual thoughts, feelings, behaviors, physiological symptoms (heart racing, tingling in extremities, tightness in the chest, and such).

I found a therapist that had some pretty impressive credentials on the internets, met with her and chose her out of the other ones I was checking out. Her assessment was to work on the social anxiety first since it is looking like my largest issue and to see what's left - she claims that often other problems like depression go away when you can handle your social anxiety. I agree with her, and am so far still impressed.

She started me almost immediately on a workbook she's used before titled Managing Social Anxiety. There are a couple of other social anxiety workbooks I've seen, but I'm focusing on this one first. And maybe last! I'm sure it's possible for someone to go through these sorts of workbooks alone, though I find the therapist really helps keep me honest - as in presenting to me things that I hadn't even realized I was avoiding.

The general idea for CBT (as far as I can tell, I'm no expert) is that you learn how to catch these thoughts and feelings and try to cast them in a more objective light to see if your reaction is reasonable. CBT can be effective for many other disorders, too.

I am hoping it will help.

I know most people will recommend that susan cain book, "Quiet" if you asked about something to be uplifting about introvertedness. However I would recommend the book Lincoln's Melancoly, by Joshua Shenk. It's a book which explores the personality/depression of Abraham Lincoln, and made me feel a lot better about being alone and following my own introvert tendencies. Plus you get to learn a fair amount about one of the great leaders of the US.


Here's the amazon page which probably has the ISBN if you want to find it at your local library.
http://www.amazon.com/Lincolns-Melancholy-Depression-Challenged-President/dp/0618773444

Yup that makes three of us, I'm sure there's more people in this subreddit like this.

I know I have lost friends and relationships over this thing, so here's the conclusions that I have reached, please correct me if I'm wrong because I also need the feedback:

• It's all about being social nowadays isn't it? social media, social networks, everything is SOCIAL now, the internet used to be the one public place where we could hide in but not anymore, we're living in introvert's hell in a way, good thing there's places where we can meet where we don't have to take pictures of ourselves and can just write anonymously right? (thank you for this reddit)
  
  
• I think all introverts at some point realize that even though we have been like this since we were born, the world as it is right now is not made for the introvert but for the extrovert. Being social is seen as a quality whereas being withdrawn is seen as a defect of character, I never knew what the world was like for left-handed people until now.
  
  
• We are introverts till the day we die, we are never going to like being social as much as the next guy but that's ok because we hold a lot of wonderful and amazing things in higher regard than becoming socialites. That being said I don't think introverts want to be stigmatized as social outcasts (everyone wants to feel included) so until people become more tolerant about it we have to work on our social skills but without straining ourselves unnecessarily.
  
• As it is pointed out in this neat little article right there on the right hand side of the screen there's a difference between being introverted and being shy, so we have to work on dealing with the shyness (if we have it) as much as possible, perhaps it is a matter of raising self-esteem or as it is now more aptly called: self-compassion.
  
  
• In some other cases it may be a matter of learning how to trust people more, even strangers (I know it takes me a while to warm up to people) so we can talk to them as easily as we do to the people that we have known for years.
  
  
• We have to work on our people skills, social etiquette, emotional intelligence, perhaps learn how small talk even if we hate it (I know, I know, boring conversations we can't relate to, etc.)
  
  
• BUT we also have to learn the limits of this: first and foremost that we cannot ever become extroverts, so if we can't get it 100% right in social situations and can never learn to enjoy socialization as much as the rest of society THAT IS OK, if we can educate the people that love us into understanding us, they will eventually learn to tolerate what they may perceive as shortcomings. Socialization is not our biggest strength but we have many others and we have bigger fish to fry.
  
  
• Finally, I believe it is important to present yourself as you are, yes "faking it till you make it" is an invaluable tool that can take you very very far, especially if avoiding social situations is becoming an obstacle in your career or love life, but if you fake it all the time (especially with people you are intimate with) and create a false persona, eventually you're gonna get tired and the mask is going to fall off and although it is unfair, people are going to be disappointed.
  
  Better to be with people that know you are an introvert and know that you are trying your best, than with people that only like you because they think you're an extrovert and as years go by, come to realize that you are not.
  
  THAT being said, I wouldn't begin courting someone by stating that I'm an introvert, I might as well say that I'm shy weirdo, not very sexy (of course, this may change in the future).
  
  (I brought enough grammatical errors for everyone, please don't get excited about pointing them out, English is my second language and I'm at work so I can't proofread what I just wrote)

Self help books never did much for me. I personally think reading literature that is more challenging or out of your element is more useful for general self help.
Not really a self help book , but I'll plug Siddhartha by Herman Hesse here if you haven't read it. Did more for me than any self help book I researched.

Wow that is actually hard. I've read 10+ books on it over the past few months and it is actually hard to remember which was which. A few that stick out where a couple by Joe Navarro: What Every BODY is Saying and Louder Than Words.

I also really liked The Power of Eye Contact.

Edit: Oh, also: Crime Signals.

The book The Fine Art of Small Talk by Debra Fine is a nice book written by a former engineer about the nuances of small talk.

I would recommend this book to any introvert just so they know how to properly use it. Whether they end up using small talk or not, its up to them.

If you are anything like my sister, you absolutely are overwhelming him. I mean that in a good way, because you're recognizing it. My sister has been fluff stressing me my whole life, and she's finally dating someone who doesn't know how to filter it like I do. I also have a lot of patience for her because I recognize my weakness in her strength... anyway...

She is reading this book as we speak. Maybe you will find it helpful too!

Extroversion is associated with reward-seeking behaviors, meaning more risk-taking. Depending various factors, this may or may not be advantageous for survival. :)

Daniel Nettle has a very well-researched book that goes into talking about this (as well as the other 4 of the big five personality traits): http://www.amazon.com/Personality-What-Makes-You-Way/dp/0199211434/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1407569635&sr=8-1&keywords=personality

Or for something shorter and scholarly, here's his paper on The Evolution of Personality Variation: http://www.academia.edu/449430/The_Evolution_of_Personality_Variation_In_Humans_and_Other_Animals

Check out this book:

The Emotional Incest Syndrome: What to do When a Parent's Love Rules Your Life.

Lots of answers for the kind of problems you face with your mother.

Go Sports!

Carl Jung was considered an introvert and wrote an autobiography. He also coined the terms introversion and extroversion. https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0679723951/ref=ox_sc_act_title_1?ie=UTF8&psc=1&smid=ATVPDKIKX0DER

http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Anyone-Success-Relationships/dp/007141858X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1371531715&sr=8-1&keywords=how+to+talk+to+anyone

Get this book

"Sooo...what made you agree to this?"

Also you might try these: The Book of Stupid Questions https://www.amazon.com/dp/0446389722/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_byAOCb54F2S84

Eheh...

I once read this book called Heat Wave by Eric Klinenberg. In it, he mentioned how the most vulnerable population during the catastrophic heat wave of Chicago in 1995 was elderly men. This was because women tend be in charge of social affairs in heterosexual marriages, and when older men widow they are less likely to make new friends or reach out to family members for help.

I'm in a very happy relationship with someone who is even more introverted than me (and also shy). I worry about being alone without him, because I would just be sad and miss him, but I worry more about him being alone without me, because I could totally see him falling into that vulnerable group.