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Hi, Azalea! It sounds like you guys are in a really tough place right now. I'm on the other side, and have been for 3 years now, and I just want to say, don't give up quite yet. You're only four weeks in, and many things can change over the next several months. Counseling and taking some time to do some reading might help you work through what you really need. It certainly did for me.

It sounds like you married your best friend, which sounds an awful lot like my situation. I met my wife our senior year of high school, dated through college and grad school, and married after 7 years of dating. 5 years in, when I was about 31 and right after our third child was born, she came out to me as transgender. I have to say, I reacted badly. In my case, I was stuck at home with two preschoolers and a baby, and I found out that she was using business trips and after work activities as excuses to dress in secret and go to support groups. I was, frankly, pissed. And I didn't know what she really meant by transgender. At the time, I didn't really know a lot about people that weren't gender typical, but I did understand that gender was a spectrum, and that I was completely straight with zero interest in women. And I had 3 children under age 5, out of state from my family, and hadn't worked in my field since moving out of state.

My wife saw how hurt I was and did not want to hurt me again, so she put off transition for quite a while. She went through a long phase of "If I just attend support groups, I'll be fine...." and that slowly ramped up into fully transitioning, with my full support and with a very strong marriage.

At some point, I realized that no one really cares what you do in your private life except the people in the marriage. No one can decide for you, even your parents, what you want to do with yourself. If you need to leave, then do it. If you need to help her through this very hard thing, do it. In the end, the thing that matters most is that you are happy with yourself and the decisions you have made. You only get one chance to go through life, so try to live it the best way you can, right?

For me, that meant staying. It took a bit, but I discovered that I married a person because he, then she, was that particular person, and not because she was a particular gender. I married my best friend. and now, almost 9 years since this all started and about 3+ years since transition, I still have that best friend, still have the physical relationship, and most importantly, still have the emotional relationship with her.

> I wish I could cuddle up next to him and be wrapped in his arms and know he's my world and our relationship is going to stay the same, that he's going to stay my wonderful husband.

This resonated with me, but looking from the other side of the bridge, the only thing that changed for me is that I now say "she" and "wife/spouse". She's still my world, and she's still my wonderful spouse.

Some of the reading that really helped me was a blog written by someone who went through the process about a year before us, and the Jennifer Finney Boylan books. In Boylan's story, I really identified strongly with what Grace (her wife) was going through. Here are the links:

She's Not There

There's a followup book just published last year called Stuck in the Middle with You that talks about their lives 10 years later.

And the Permission to Live blog series starts here.

Permission to Live has since written two more blog series. One is about life in the opposite gender, guest written by her transitioned wife, and the other is a story of their lives of the year between coming out and resettling in new lives. If you want those links, I'll look them up for you.

I hope you find something helpful in what I wrote. I'd be glad to chat more if you'd like.

Books: I'm reading She's Not There and my wife has found _Transgender 101_ to be very useful too.

Videos: I liked How do I know if I'm Transgender? and the series from "The Transition Channel" (like with Are You Transgender?) was quite good too.

Personally I really liked this article: Transition Deconstructed as it showed a positive story coming out of a spouse transitioning. I find that there are so few of those, and would really love more resources showing a positive outcome for families!

I'm really looking for resources about how to transition with young children (toddlers) and books to help them understand what's going on. Definitely not sure of how to go with that other than _I Am Jazz_, which is aimed at children a bit older than toddlers.

What else has helped you? Thanks so much for sharing!

My ftm spouse came out to me about 3 weeks ago. Well, actually we were separated for about a week because he had grown angry and distant after almost 10 years together. He moved in with a roommate he found and I was sure it was over. Then in the process of talking via text (I was broken-hearted and missed him so much) he told me that he had something that he just couldn’t tell me. I asked if I could guess and he agreed. I asked if he was trans. I was right. We had never talked about it. He had never alluded to it. I guess I just knew.

Fast forward about a week and I asked him to come back home to me and the kids (I have 2 teenagers from my first marriage to a cismale and actually self identified as a lesbian at the end of that marriage). My now husband agreed to come home.

It’s hard. I feel sad, relieved, worried, protective, and so much more. But I do know that I will be staying with my husband. He is still the person I fell in love with. He was a man when we met, he just didn’t reflect it outwardly.

Being the spouse is hard because I feel like there just aren’t many resources or support for me. We have found him a support group that he goes to on Tuesdays (he started last week) and we found him a counselor who is a mtf so my husband has someone who knows exactly what he is going through. Me, well, I haven’t found that kind of support and it feels very isolating.

We are talking... a lot. I am researching more than I researched while obtaining my Masters degree. I am have to figure out as a self identified lesbian what being married to a man means for me. There are a lot of very emotional moving parts on both sides of this transition (he doesn’t know how much or how little he will transition and to what extent).

Counseling will help. Although I have yet to find one I am quite comfortable going to yet. I also bought a workbook that seems great. I did the first 3 exercises in it last night and it had me in tears because it helped me to identify feelings I am having that I had not realized were there.

The Reflective Workbook for Partners of Transgender People...

Best of luck to you and your wife. Make sure she knows that she is not alone.

Yes, waiting can be hard. It took 4 months to get into a gender therapist in Boston. It is worth it though. In the meantime there are some books that may help them to better understand their feelings and options. There are two workbooks that I read that were okay:

• You and Your Gender Identity: A Guide to Discovery
  
• My New Gender Workbook: A Step-by-Step Guide to Achieving World Peace Through Gender Anarchy and Sex Positivity
  
  A Guide to Gender - The Social Justice Advocate's Handbook and the author is great and this Ted Talk he did is awesome.
  
  Some others are:
  
  
• The Queer and Transgender Resilience Workbook: Skills for Navigating Sexual Orientation and Gender Expression (New Harbinger Self-Help Workbook)
  
• How to Understand Your Gender
  
  Perhaps these will help them and even yourself find your answers.

The thing about poly is that it is not a get out of jail free card for one partner to do all the gallivanting around they want to do without concern for the other person's feelings. To really work, it needs to work for both/all people involved. There needs to be communication and compassion. Ditching your partner at a bar to make out with some else is super shitty behavior, and not a normal part of healthy poly.

More than two is a great resource with tons of articles about polyamory that was super helpful to me when I first started exploring it. The Ethical Slut is a good intro book as well.

Edit: formatting

This link worked for me.

As I am not a trained therapist, would you be willing to provide quick insight into:

>views assessment and treatment through a nonpathologizing lens that honors human diversity and acknowledges the role of oppression in the developmental process of gender identity formation.

nonpathologizing sounds good - positive

but does that stuff about the role of oppression mean that therapists and family members both can benefit from understanding how the cultural deck seems (at least at certain times and in certain ways) to be stacked against trans people?

Thank you in advance, and I believe I've seen your username before, but if not, welcome to MPIT!

I know that in the Trans IRL episode "The Spouses' Take" they all mentioned how they helped explain things to their kids of various ages, the bumps along the way, and books they used to help tell the story. It might not be quite what you're looking for, but adding here in case it is helpful.

https://youtu.be/iqAuLuDjU8o?t=3774

Red: A Crayon's Story

Introducing Teddy

I am Jazz

I also know that when my spouse first came out to me I went to our local LGBT centre to find out about their support groups. Most probably don't have anything specifically for young kids, but maybe they could help you come up with a solution.

One thing that my wife and I did that I think was particularly useful was to read this book together. Most of the book is about cross-dressing spouses, with some later chapters mention how relationships changed when one spouse transitioned.

What we would do is spend some time reading a few chapters, then talking them over. It was a useful exercise, as it helped to see that 1.) there are couples that have been through this and ended up okay 2.) there is a whole range of emotions that are brought up throughout, and having them articulated in written form and from many perspectives was a useful conversation starter ("This women thought 'this', is this a concern that you have? Why do you think that is? Is there anything we can do to help that?).

This paper by Anne Vitale PhD is readable and covers some of the most important topics concerning a person who desires to transition.
The Gender Variant Phenomenon--A Developmental Review I got a nice epiphany out of reading that one since I clearly fit into her group 3 category.

I've also been reading "Transgender Emergence: Therapeutic Guidelines for Working With Gender-Variant People and Their Families " by Lev. It's been helpful.

I've been in an open relationship for about 9 years.

There's no right or wrong answer. Everyone has to figure out what works for them. We tell each other everything and almost exclusively date and play together. Others do everything separately.

Read this book: https://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X

And maybe this one: https://www.amazon.com/dp/1587613379/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_dp_ss_1?pf_rd_p=1944687762&pf_rd_s=lpo-top-stripe-1&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_i=157344295X&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_r=YCQ4324KQD8W090HRZTG

But absolutely the first one.

You need to be able to talk about everything. Deepest fears, expectations, fantasies. Open, honest communication is so important to making this work. Good, clear, respectful boundaries and guidelines help as well.

Jennifer Flynn Boylan has the book: "Stuck in the Middle With You" I didn't read this book because I fall into the 'our children are grown category'. However, I read her other book, "She's Not There" and thought it was fabulous. Maybe give it a shot! :)

I’ve given copies of “True Selves” to a bunch of relatives. You can get good used copies for only a few bucks (especially if you have Prime) and I think it’s nice to give someone a book that they can read at their own pace.

Great read, couldn't put it down. Started reading it on the plane ride(Raleigh) when I was headed to tell my family about my wife transition. (felt I couldn't tell over the phone) and finished it before arriving in Vegas

"Just Because My Husband's A Woman... https://www.amazon.com/dp/0692955941?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share

Didn't really care for Benvenuto's memoir personally, here's the review I wrote a couple years back: https://travelstogethen.wordpress.com/2017/07/13/sex-changes-a-memoir-christine-benvenuto/

Wandering around a bit on Amazon, I am reminded that I follow Amanda Jette Knox on Twitter and she has a memoir that might also be worth checking out: https://www.amazon.com/dp/0735235171/ref=cm_sw_em_r_mt_dp_U_aIDSDb91ZGHZW
I haven't read it yet myself, but her story is an interesting one.

If they press further, it's also ok to say "I don't want to discuss this with you anymore. Let's talk about something else. "

It helps to practice boundary setting phrases and scenarios as I'm learning from this book I'm reading:

https://www.amazon.com/Queer-Transgender-Resilience-Workbook-Orientation/dp/1626259461/ref=asc_df_1626259461/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=312154648235&hvpos=1o1&hvnetw=g&hvrand=11765078087879172305&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9028310&hvtargid=aud-801381245258:pla-448396653582&psc=1

I've started reading this book:

https://www.amazon.com/More-Than-Two-Practical-Polyamory/dp/0991399706

I haven't gotten that far with it yet, but it's comforting to know that other people have tried this before me and have some advice.

https://www.amazon.com/Silent-Sorority-Barren-Woman-Angry/dp/1439231567 This one was my favorite.

May i recommend "Fucking Trans Women" for all your questions and advice on some new things to consider?

https://www.amazon.com/Fucking-Trans-Women-FTW-1/dp/1492128937

https://www.amazon.com/dp/1492128937/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_t1_BEwTCb7V8873Z

This book, it will change everything.

[NSW] this book F***ing Trans Women is very body-positive and informative. https://www.amazon.com/Fucking-Trans-Women-FTW-Book-ebook/dp/B07N5HDW3H

Really old book called Talking to Depression might help you. https://www.amazon.com/Talking-Depression-Connect-Someone-Depressed/dp/0451209869
It has actual sample conversations and language that is known to be helpful in reaching out to depressed people and things that often are hurtful. It has a lot of ways to talk about different things, day to day, getting help, and keeping yourself ok.

I see you said you're with a ftm so this doesn't really help much I guess but there is a zine called Fucking trans women so maybe there are other things around that are similar for trans men.

Hey! I'm in the same boat, rowing in the same direction. My spouse and I have been together for 11 years, married for 6. I was just as pissed as you at first. Felt just as deceived. I got into some therapy, and that's been helpful to work through my feelings. Another thing that has helped is this book - Workbook for Partners of Transgender People

I am also a lesbian and so was he (I guess) and I had some serious feelings because I came out later in life and left a straight marriage before I met my current spouse. Lots of internal conflict about what his transition meant for me etc.... I guess over the last week or so I decided to just love him, and hold on to our marriage. But it's still a struggle.

Anyway, me too, you are not an asshole, everyone has different reactions, and no matter what you will be ok.