(Part 2) Top products from r/mypartneristrans

Whew! Finally. Kids in bed, not running all over town. I am so sorry that I couldn't really say much earlier.

What is it about our spouses telling us when we're pregnant? It's like the dysphoria really gets to them and suddenly they need to share when we're at our most needy and vulnerable. It seems to keep happening. I swear it's A Thing.

Don't Panic. Are you wearing your towel?

You said you found some of my older posts. Yeah, you're me. Except for the twin thing. But you're also several of my friends, too. I just made a new friend a couple weeks ago that you could have quoted word for word. Another longtime friend (as in, someone I knew before this path started for me) has a spouse in the closet and has no idea what to do with spouse at home, yet it's serious enough that spouse is taking advantage of business trips overseas so he doesn't run into anyone he knows locally while en femme. And of course, I gave you Melissa's tale.

It's been an adventure. But speaking from somewhere near the end of the stressful period, it really hasn't been nearly as bad as I thought from going in.

Right up front, they dump this on us. It may have been swirling around in their brains for weeks, months, years, maybe even decades. But it's totally new to us. And what does it mean? What does it mean for our sexual relationship, our stability, our finances? It definitely takes a while to parse through. So Nemo_87 has it right on. Breathe. This isn't something that's going to happen overnight. You have lots of time to figure things out and to talk and figure out what you both want.

First question to ask yourself: Did you marry your person, or did you marry a gender? It sounds like you married your person. He is worried about hanging onto the relationship, and it sounds like, like us, you married someone that you consider a very close friend as well as a father, breadwinner and romantic partner. Does this change if your person changes gender? It sounds like you're at least on good ground to have a real conversation about the path you're about to embark on.

I'm going to second the suggestion of the Jennifer Boylan books. One is She's Not There, which was written 10 years ago when James Boylan transitioned to Jenny Boylan. It goes right up to after her SRS surgery, and the new version has an additional afterword with an update. The other one literally just came out, like last week. I'm still waiting for it to arrive, but it is Stuck in the Middle With You: Parenting in Three Genders.

I identify so much with Dee Dee Boylan (Grace in the book), and I think you'd find it very helpful.

Remember that this is a very loooooong process. Your spouse isn't going to show up at work one day and say, "oh, by the way, I'm a girl now." More likely, she'll grow her hair out to something gender ambiguous, maybe pierce ears, find some support groups, dress around the house, stuff like that. Sooner or later, she will likely want hormones. That requires doctor visits for the prescription and usually a therapist as well. Once on the hormones, you have to work out the dosage. With a wife and kids and sex drive in the picture, how fast the changes happen will be dependent on what you work out. Boobs get to an A or B cup, but it could take 6 months, maybe a year or two. Erectile dysphoria may or may not be a problem. It doesn't bother some people, and at least in our case, our physical relationship hasn't changed a whole lot. Other people want surgical changes. Without talking, it's hard to know what route your family will take.

As for the kids, you said the oldest isn't even in school yet. They won't know the difference. The oldest one might, a little, but kids are so accepting and loving. They love their person, and know nothing of bigotry and discrimination. Honestly, the kids have been the easiest part.

Family and friends are a mixed bag. We have been overwhelmingly amazed by how supportive the great majority of our extended connections have been. We've had a few that reacted really badly at first - the super conservative religiously and politically friend pretty much freaked at the extended family when he found out, and asked some interesting questions, but after a while, even he came to realize that their relationship and my spouse's happiness was more important than any perceived ick factor that his environment had leached into him over the years. So far, we only have one relative that's been a total jackass about it, but honestly, he could play Archie Bunker without blinking, so we don't really hold his opinion in high regard anyway.

I'd be glad to chat anytime. It's hard, especially at the beginning, to realize that going down this road does not mean your spouse is the next contestant on RuPaul's Drag Race. Real people with trans issues just want to blend in and disappear like every other person, not stand out as a model of Teh Trans, so it's really hard to find support from people that don't have Issues or are early or mid-process.

A lot of people are saying that this behaviour from your partner is unacceptable, and I agree. I also agree that breaking up is probably the best idea.

However, the elephant in the room here is:

a. Your lack of social support and dependence on your partner

b. Your unresolved issues with your dad that pulled you into a toxic relationship in the first place

I would strongly recommend seeing a therapist, and actively working on building a social support network so you won't be totally alone. I know it's easier said than done. It will take time. If you've never been able to make many friends, I'd recommend doing some reading or taking a class on developing your social skills because it's not good for your physical and mental health to be friendless. A drama/improv class might help too. It's also problematic to be so dependent on a partner that you can't leave if they get abusive. Even if you just start by making some online friends, that's better than nothing - one of my best friends is online.

You could make friends on the following subreddits:

https://www.reddit.com/r/MakeNewFriendsHere/

https://www.reddit.com/r/InternetFriends/

https://www.reddit.com/r/hardshipmates/

I would also recommend the following books:

https://www.amazon.com/Friendships-Dont-Just-Happen-GirlFriends-ebook/dp/B07776956H/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1519107518&sr=8-1&keywords=girlfriend+circles

https://www.amazon.com/Frientimacy-Deepen-Friendships-Lifelong-Happiness-ebook/dp/B017QL9P5Q/ref=pd_sim_351_1?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=9DY83C3B2HF2HZFKD9FM

Therapy - for both you and your partner, separately and as a couple (if you can manage it, I know that can be tough) - is my advice for a first step. It sounds like you're trying, but still struggling when you get reactions that you're not used to or prepared for. Communication is definitely a key thing and a good, trans-affirming therapist can be an incredibly helpful first step in overcoming that first hurdle. If you'd like something to help that's more immediately available, I recommend Crucial Conversations - it was incredibly helpful to me long before anything trans-related came up in my life.

Also, there's no need to compare your pain and struggles to hers. What she's going through is incredibly difficult, yes, but you shouldn't feel guilty for not understanding every part of it or having been through something similar. Belittling the experiences that made you who you are today will only make adjusting to all the changes in your lives that much more difficult. Her struggles are different from yours, and that's okay. You're both going to be going through a lot together as she begins her transition.

Be strong and sure in who you are and continue to choose to be there for your partner. That is extremely important in all of this. If the two of you love one another and are willing to put in the work, you can find a way through this rough patch. <3

I agree with what the others have said, it sounds like he has a pretty good handle on who he is. I'd probably recommend reading My Husband Betty which is more from a partner's POV if you'd like different people's stories and insights. I'm about half way through and finding it very enlightening reading :)

One thing that my wife and I did that I think was particularly useful was to read this book together. Most of the book is about cross-dressing spouses, with some later chapters mention how relationships changed when one spouse transitioned.

What we would do is spend some time reading a few chapters, then talking them over. It was a useful exercise, as it helped to see that 1.) there are couples that have been through this and ended up okay 2.) there is a whole range of emotions that are brought up throughout, and having them articulated in written form and from many perspectives was a useful conversation starter ("This women thought 'this', is this a concern that you have? Why do you think that is? Is there anything we can do to help that?).

My favorite I think is Gracefully Grayson. It's a teen-young adult level novel, and by a cis woman, but she's done her homework. It's a very uplifting book. Both my cis gf and I loved it.

You need to get her underbust size, which is probably somewhere around a 45-46 based on that measurement. There's also an AMAB size calculator over at r/abrathatfits now! I decided to buy two packs of these but the max they go up to is a 44 and they run a bit small (my band size is 42.) I love these but they might not be a great option at her current size. Good luck!

I've been in an open relationship for about 9 years.

There's no right or wrong answer. Everyone has to figure out what works for them. We tell each other everything and almost exclusively date and play together. Others do everything separately.

Read this book: https://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X

And maybe this one: https://www.amazon.com/dp/1587613379/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_dp_ss_1?pf_rd_p=1944687762&pf_rd_s=lpo-top-stripe-1&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_i=157344295X&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_r=YCQ4324KQD8W090HRZTG

But absolutely the first one.

You need to be able to talk about everything. Deepest fears, expectations, fantasies. Open, honest communication is so important to making this work. Good, clear, respectful boundaries and guidelines help as well.

Jennifer Flynn Boylan has the book: "Stuck in the Middle With You" I didn't read this book because I fall into the 'our children are grown category'. However, I read her other book, "She's Not There" and thought it was fabulous. Maybe give it a shot! :)

I’ve given copies of “True Selves” to a bunch of relatives. You can get good used copies for only a few bucks (especially if you have Prime) and I think it’s nice to give someone a book that they can read at their own pace.

Great read, couldn't put it down. Started reading it on the plane ride(Raleigh) when I was headed to tell my family about my wife transition. (felt I couldn't tell over the phone) and finished it before arriving in Vegas

"Just Because My Husband's A Woman... https://www.amazon.com/dp/0692955941?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share

Didn't really care for Benvenuto's memoir personally, here's the review I wrote a couple years back: https://travelstogethen.wordpress.com/2017/07/13/sex-changes-a-memoir-christine-benvenuto/

Wandering around a bit on Amazon, I am reminded that I follow Amanda Jette Knox on Twitter and she has a memoir that might also be worth checking out: https://www.amazon.com/dp/0735235171/ref=cm_sw_em_r_mt_dp_U_aIDSDb91ZGHZW
I haven't read it yet myself, but her story is an interesting one.

I've started reading this book:

https://www.amazon.com/More-Than-Two-Practical-Polyamory/dp/0991399706

I haven't gotten that far with it yet, but it's comforting to know that other people have tried this before me and have some advice.

https://www.amazon.com/Silent-Sorority-Barren-Woman-Angry/dp/1439231567 This one was my favorite.

I'm sorry you and your partner are having to deal with that. Rejection in the name of God, or "I love you but I dont support you wholly because it's against God's will" is all too common and I believe is completely antithetical to what faith is meant for. And, it's frustrating, painful and confusing. I'm a trans Christian and I have had family members insinuate that I don't follow Jesus any more because I'm "no longer following scripture." I don't really have much to say in terms of how to talk with them or where to set boundaries, but I thought I'd pass along some resources that have helped me in discussing with my conservative Christian family.

My friend Austen is a trans Christian theologian and educator. His book Transforming: The Bible and the Lives of Transgender Christians takes a look at interpretations of the Bible that do not lead to "I love you but can't support you fully because it's against scripture."

Gender spectrum also has a page responding to the common "clobber passages" used against trans people in Jewish and Christian scripture.

I read this book to my girls. It covers transition and the op. They both liked it and weirdly, my youngest used to ask for it regularly.

It's not a complex book in terms of the issues and really only serves to say "so this is a normal thing that happens to other children" rather than dealing with any of the side issues, but really helped our family at the time when we needed it:


https://www.amazon.com/My-New-Mommy/dp/1482757192

[NSW] this book F***ing Trans Women is very body-positive and informative. https://www.amazon.com/Fucking-Trans-Women-FTW-Book-ebook/dp/B07N5HDW3H