(Part 2) Top products from r/raisedbynarcissists

I feel you. This happened to me so many times, but with each relationship I was able to recover a little bit more of myself and establish more of my own boundaries. The fact that you have realized it is getting you much closer to those relationships that you want to have! Nice work.

This is what I would recommend; TLDR, it is very important to take care of your self and your esteem. After this, all will follow. I wrote a gigantic post because what you've described above is pretty much what I've been battling against most of my life.

Self-care

1. Do you like yourself? What do you like about yourself? Try celebrating this every day, or whenever you can. Doesn't have to be every day.
   
2. Make a bucket list. What are the things you want to do by the time you die? This could literally be anything; my bucket list includes items like "master a particular skill" and "have an orgy". Doesn't have to be "serious", it's just what you want to do with you life.
   
3. Spend time dressing yourself up. Find clothes that make you feel good, make you feel attractive. Pay attention to your body. If you haven't updated your wardrobe or your hair in a while, try and do those things. Find some kind of exercise that you enjoy, and try and stick with it: it will make a change in your body before long! If you have problems with nutrition, do some reading and figure out where you should make dietary changes.
   
4. Try to revisit your hobbies, or any kind of thing that makes you feel happy; relaxing, sitting on a park bench on a nice day, etc. etc. Doesn't matter if it is "time wasting", just that it makes you feel good. Do anything that gets you back into your body: take a nice shower or bath, breathe deep, take a walk.
   
5. Think about whether, in addition to co-dependency, you may also be battling either anxiety or depression (if you were raised by a narcissist, chances are high). Do some reading, I recommend these two books: http://amzn.to/1pipLrF ESPECIALLY, also http://amzn.to/1zfgOnb Both books teach you about self-care, managing your boundaries and emotions, and breaking out of familiar patterns. I found the co-dependency book relevant even though I'm not a person who is actively trying to control other people; I still had the other behaviors, like taking care of people too much.
   
6. Read Alice Miller's The Drama of the Gifted Child (available free here: http://bit.ly/1gJPQPk). This book is about how kids raised by narcissists generally have a lot of trouble seeing themselves and seeing their own needs. They construct a false self for their parents, and then learn that the false self -- nice, accomplished, supportive, always there, without expressive impulses (including "negative" emotions like anger or boredom) -- is more valued than their True Self -- i.e. who they are, as a human being, with their complete range of emotions, impulses, and desires for expression.
   
7. Learn about how to communicate assertively.
   
8. Learn to not apologize for existing, for taking up space, having needs. There's nothing to apologize for you, because you are, you are a human with Maslow's hierarchy like all the other humans!
   
9. Do things for yourself every day, just because you want to do them.
   
10. Make sure you're getting adequate sleep, food, exercise, sunlight.
    
    
    Now, as for setting boundaries:
    
    1.) Hang out with the friends that you like (or mostly like). Think about why you like them.
    
    2.) Think about moments where your friends do things that make you feel uncomfortable. Don't dismiss your feelings, explore them. Examples:
    
    

• Friend seems like she only wants to hang out whenever she decides.
  
• Feeling third wheeled by two or more friends.
  
• Always letting others decide activities because you don't think they will value yours.
  
• Friend does something which makes you angry, or says something that makes you feel uncomfortable (like hitting on you, or maybe making an off color joke, or condoning something you don't like)
  
• Feelings of tagging along, or side kicking, or taking care of other people
  
• Feeling like you have to be the "loyal" one
  
• Being made to feel guilty, or pressured into an activity; being made to feel like your time is less important
  
  3.) Think about why these moments (or others) make you feel uncomfortable. Maybe make a list of past moments. Think about what you would do if you were being assertive -- not aggressive, but accurately and forwardly communicating your feelings.
  
  
• Suggest activities to your friend who wants to control the situation/only wants to hang out when she decides; if she declines, or continues to act uninterested, be up front on how her behavior makes you feel.
  
• If feeling third wheeled, hang out with different friends. There are other people around, and it is definitely hard to expand social structures, but it's possible!!
  
• Make a list of activities that you prefer, and then propose them. If your friends aren't interested, find a meetup for people that are interested in those kinds of things, and then do them! You will find one or two people that you like.
  
• Tagging along, or side kicking: remember that you are valuable. Take value in yourself. Don't hang around with people who may see you as less; meet new people and then set boundaries with them. I.e. if they are late to things and you don't like lateness, let them know that you are a little upset. If they treat your personal possessions with disrespect, let them know it. If they make assumptions about you that are wrong, or say things to put you down, let them know it and that you do not like it. Doing this helps set healthy boundaries with people for the future, and sets up respect. When people need your compassion later, for the REAL issues, you can be there to take care of them. But in the meantime, no need to be their butler or the ever sympathetic person. And if they try to make you feel bad about asserting yourself or having these feelings, rest easy, laugh at their behavior, and find other friends.
  
• Friends who do or say things that make you angry or uncomfortable: confront them about it assertively, as soon as it happens. Don't be nervous about it: if you are concerned that this person will threaten physical violence, then I wouldn't be friends with them anymore. Don't worry that they will leave you: if they leave you, oh well! You still have Team yellowpencils. Team yellowpencils is who you have now and it's who you will have until you die, and it's the most important team in the world. Learn to love your team and always be on your own side. (For the nitpickers, this doesn't mean turn out to be a sociopath or never know when to own responsibility for one's actions and mistakes; just that you must, at the end of the day, love and care for yourself).
  
• Feeling that you have to be the "loyal" one: forget this feeling. If someone is manipulating you and putting you down, while still asking for your sacrifices, tell them how they make you feel and then, most likely, leave. People like this assume you're easy to victimize, or will never confront them. You have more power than you know.
  
• Feeling pressured, being made to feel guilty: no one has a right to your time above and beyond you. You don't owe anyone an explanation for wanting to spend time by yourself or to do activities with other people. If someone wants you to do something which is against your personal code of ethics, remember that the social costs of doing so are most likely outweighed by the personal benefits of staying true to Team yellowpencils.
  4.) Consider ending friendships with people whom you really like (for their personality, for instance) but who obviously do not value your time or do not respect you as a person.
  
  
  Making NEW friends:
  
  1.) My personal strategy is, follow the energy. If I am getting positive vibes from people; if I am enjoying their company without feeling compromised; if there is a give and take in the relationship from BOTH sides; I continue it. If there is not, I drop it quietly before I'm in the friendship/relationship too much.
  2.) If you are noticing old patterns show up in new friends:
  
  
• try and recognize old patterns, first off.
  
• Try to figure out where the other person is bending or crossing boundaries. Think about what kind of person you're being routinely attracted to: do they look like your narcissistic parent? Remember that in order to get new friends, you do NOT have to offer a "perfect" friendship where you are never mad and always attending to their needs.
  
• Start calling out these new friends on their bullshit earlier: you just may turn the relationship around.
  
• Move on: If you feel like this person may just be too similar to past narcissistic friendships, or they are crossing too many boundaries, even though you have tried to talk to them about it.
  
• Try and act like how you want to be treated from day one. This doesn't mean, waiting to call someone out on their bullshit until you know what to expect from them: this means doing it immediately. Your survival skills that you learned from your narcissistic parent, like controlling your feelings now, observing, waiting, hiding, confronting when things are "safe" (let's be honest, they were never safe) are no longer necessary, because you are in a new phase of your life where survival no longer has to be the top priority: your happiness is.
  
  3.) Accept good will. Wherever someone wants to support you, or help you, and you're getting the good energy vibes: be not afraid, explore this a bit. Learn to extend your trust to someone who wants to help. People get quite a bit from helping others out. Let someone help you for a change.
  4.) Act in a friendship how you want to act, not how you think others will like. You'll meet people who like what you are, that you never expected! Accept that not everyone will like who you are or will like your choices.
  5.) Sometimes you're still gonna get burned.
  
  Since I've made the above changes, I've been happier and have seen a definite increase in the quality of my relationships and the quality of the people I meet and hang out with. I have a better sense of my own boundaries and sense of self. That isn't to say I've totally battled away anxiety or depression, or falling for narcissistic relationships: just have to keep my focus and keep working on my self-care. The more I practice this stuff, the more it becomes instinctual; this will be true for you too.
  
  Hope this helps!

Good news! You know what is pretty much THE defining characteristic of a narcissist? Being unwilling to admit that they might have problems or to seek treatment for them. With this post, you've made the first steps toward both.

Now, for the bad news: you probably do have problems. They're probably going to take a lot of time and effort to fix. There may come a point where you think you've fixed all your problems, only to realize you've been practicing another unhealthy attitude or behavior all along that you didn't even notice. It can take determination to keep working to improve yourself through potentially-demoralizing incidents like these.

More good news though - you don't have problems because you yourself are bad. We call them "fleas" here, from the saying "If you lie down with the dogs, you're going to get fleas." I like to use the analogy of a plant. If you have a plant that's growing nicely, and then you set a rock down on top of most of it, and put some walls around it, so that the only way to get any sunlight or nutrients is to grow in some twisted crazy way... that plant is going to do what it needs to do to survive. The reason you almost certainly have issues is only because you're a survivor who was trying his or her best to get physical, mental, and emotional needs met. Once you are "transplanted" into an easier situation, a lot of the ways you grew are now detrimental to you instead of helpful - but they were helpful at the time, and you can now retrain yourself to act and think in ways that are more helpful to you now.

Others on this sub can offer you advice on finding a good therapist. If you can find a good one, it can really speed your path to recovery. In the meantime, you may find this book helpful in recognizing where you have adapted to living with crazy people, and what a healthier way to live might be.

Best of luck! post as much as you want with any questions or needs for support. This is a very helpful and friendly community. We all want to help each other lead healthy and happy lives.

Hey! I'm also working on recovery. Some books that I've really found helpful are Feeling Good, and Complex PTSD. Moodgym is also pretty awesome. The first book and the website show you how to use CBT in your own life, and this has really helped me out in terms of everyday anxiety and depression. The Mentalpod is a cool little podcast, and while it doesn't only cover childhood abuse, it helps me feel less alone with all of this stuff, and makes me more aware of my feelings and struggles. Hearing your story come out of another person's mouth is such a healing experience. Episodes 131 and 126 especially are useful.

I think the rest of the work though really has to do with trauma and grief. The second book is invaluable for that. I need to grieve my lack of a childhood. I need to grieve my lack of an available mother. I think this is what "the hole in my heart" is really related to. Sometimes I'll cry about it but do my best to be compassionate with myself. Though these realizations are fucking awful, they are also freeing. I didn't deserve any of it, and I'm not bad for standing up for myself. While my upbringing taught me otherwise, most people are generous, kind and forgiving, and more open to love than I believed possible. I'm able to see myself breaking more and more out of my old survival mindset, and I'm able to see that the world is a beautiful place. It's all a process and we'll both do better and better as time goes on.

Best of luck in your journey! :)

I had that happen as well, though I didn't realize it as much at the time.

First, since you asked, some books:

Will I Ever Be Good Enough?

Toxic Parents

Why Does He Do That?(still applicable if you change genders)

If you're able to move away, you should. You need to get as much distance as you can to build your own life and personality. I think I took five years before I started becoming the person I am now, and I'm still a ways to go in building my self-esteem.

If you can't move, like u/LuluThePanda said, you should still start doing daily affirmation habits. Little steps matter, even as little as saying "why yes, I do look pretty awesome today." You need to start "faking it until you make it" - it won't come naturally at first, but the more you do it, the better it will feel, and the more it will feel like it's really you.

Also, you may want to stop telling your mother about successes you have. It's your call, but I found that my mother didn't actually have any interest in my doing well, more that I could act as her council when called on. That and she doesn't understand what success means in my field. I stopped talking about any luck I had/goals I reached, and it helped me stay calm more often.

Good luck, and stay strong! You're doing great!

edit: formatting

Don't send it. You don't owe her anything - let alone being obligated to JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain) that she will just use to pick apart and further engage you. I read your original post, and honey, it sucks. But she doesn't deserve the care, attention, and energy you poured into this. YOU DO. If this made you feel better, save it. Keep it to reflect back on. But take more time to heal, and pour your energy into processing the pain it caused you, to have your kindness dismissed and thrown back in your face ... and then stop casting your pearls before swine. Pour that energy into YOURSELF.

If you haven't read Becoming the Narcissist's Nightmare yet, please get yourself a copy. It goes into the cycle they use to actually addict victims to them, pulling them in and pushing them away. That original e-mail was a total guilt trip, meant to ensnare you, because you set some healthy BOUNDARIES. Explaining it, sending her more contact... it only FEEDS her Nsupply.

Block her completely on all media. Give yourself permission to take a true and complete break from this dynamic for a full year. Start looking at your calendar now, and make plans for the other holidays that don't include you sacrificing your emotional health on the altar of homage to Mommy Dearest. There are people who would LOVE and APPRECIATE you giving to them - be it as a volunteer at a community center, or painting a mural, babysitting children while their parents go to work or Christmas Shopping, or reading to elderly people in a nursing home, or helping out at your local animal shelter. But go, make plans that make YOU happy. Make sure you give to something that leaves you feeling hopeful and like you make a difference to make the world a better place - the black hole of a Narcissist's ego will NEVER be filled, so there's no point in trying anymore.

> I kind of tend to date really sweet stable guys that are also not particularly interesting to me (I dont mean as people; they are usually great) but I just dont feel that spark with.

In the awesome book Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthough Program to End Negative Behavior...and Feel Great Again, the authors talk about how if you've grown up with an entitled, self-absorbed, emotionally distant parental figure, you're bound to initially feel un-excited by partners who treat you well, like something is missing. Their advice is to avoid cold partners with whom you generate high chemistry and to give it a chance with partners who treat you well. I can't help but wonder if that's your situation, except somehow you've managed to avoid the cold partners? Does it resonate with you at all that you might be primed to feel maximal attraction to Ns (or antisocials or other uncaring partners)?

Regardless, I second AMerrickanGirl's suggestion to get therapy. As she writes, this is the kind of life situation that therapy can really improve upon.

Here's a recent post about not loving our N parents that might help show you that you are not the only one who feels this way. I HATED my mother growing up. She was and still is a very unloving, brutal person. Why would I love her? The guilt is probably just societal programming, where not loving and honoring your parents is blasphemous. But if you look at it logically, it makes total sense why we feel this way. How would a dog react to being hit every time it came close to you? Would it love you and try to be affectionate with you? NO. It would probably cower in fear around you or any person, and would snap and attack. Why should we hold ourselves to a different standard than we would any other animal? You get what you give, and what have they given us?

If I were you, I would emancipate myself entirely and ASAP. This is close to what I did. Right at 18, I moved hours away and mostly paid almost all my own bills. My parents really didn't support me too much. I think my mother took out one small school loan and my dad sent me $100 a month, but I could have easily survived without that. I removed ALL ties with them as quickly as I could, because they used anything for manipulation. This really isn't too hard to do.

If you can't do that right now, it sounds like you're detaching emotionally which is good. Maybe you can just keep to yourself and try to survive until you get some physical distance from them. Don't engage them in any way. Only interact with them when you HAVE to. If they hassle you, maybe you can just agree (in principle or even just to placate them) and exit the situation ("yep you're probably right about that, OK gotta go!"). But DO try to get out ASAP. Don't jump into another shitty situation though. See if you can find a female roommate you can stand living with. I wouldn't move in with your boyfriend or another male just out of desperation because I find this usually ends BADLY. But obviously this is up to you. Try to find a place that's SAFE for you and don't just jump from one shitty situation to another.

Then as far as rebuilding your self-esteem, for me I had to get into therapy. If you can do this it could save your life. If that isn't possible, here are a list of cheap books that have helped me immensely (which I recommend reading and working through with or without therapy):

• Feeling Good and Ten Days To Self-Esteem by David Burns
  
• The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle
  
• Toxic Parents by Susan Forward (I don't agree with her recommendation on confronting your parents but the rest is good.)
  
  I believe there are a list of resources including a full list of books on the right sidebar too. If you don't like any of these resources, you can ALWAYS find something that will appeal to you if you keep working at it. There is SO much out there for us if we keep at it. Be sure to take breaks too. This work can be exhausting.
  
  If you can get into Al-Anon that might help too. I personally don't care for 12-step programs, but many people seemed to have been helped by them and Al-Anon is specifically recommended by many books. They say it's for people who have dealt with alcoholics and drug addicts, but I tell you I went to six meetings like they recommend, and it's NO DIFFERENT for those of us who have dealt with narcissism. I've read that all alcoholics are narcissists, so maybe that's why it was so relevant to me. One slogan I picked up that helped a lot is "You Didn't Cause It. You Can't Control It. You Can't Cure It." We didn't cause our parents to be the way that they are, we can't control it (no amount of letter writing, talking, setting boundaries, etc.) and there is nothing we can do to change them. The literature is pretty dismal when it comes to curing narcissism anyway (NPD). Either way, they'd have to want to get help and help themselves, which rarely ever happens. So we have to focus on ourselves and forget about helping them - this is not selfish! We were often groomed to take care of them and our feelings, wants and needs were completely inconsequential. We were just extensions of them. This is probably why it feels so selfish at first to start taking care of ourselves.
  
  >I'm currently depressed and see no good in life.
  
  I've been working at this for a LONG time and still feel this way sometimes. I think it's partly due to growing up where "you lose" is the name of the game. Getting your needs met is completely hopeless with N parents, so perhaps that feeling of hopelessness extends to all of life. Plus, hopelessness is a classic symptom of depression. If you feel hopeless, just know that it doesn't mean it's true. Feelings are NOT facts.
  
  Aside from my other recommendations, I would continue to come here and post and read all that you can read. Claw your way out of this bullshit if you have to. Journaling helps. Get a secure journal NO ONE ELSE will read and just free flow write your thoughts down. If you're feeling terrible, give your feelings a voice. It's like draining the poison from you. Plus if you're doing the work out of Feeling Good, you'll need a good journal to write in daily. My first therapist recommended this for YEARS and I never did it, but I tell it just free flow writing out shit does seem to help tremendously. If you have a Mac, you can use MacJournal, or for Windows there is "The Journal", both of which you can encrypt and password protect. If you want to just write on paper or if you already do just make sure you hide it well.
  
  The other night I had a bout of terrible depression and you would not BELIEVE the shit that I wrote down about myself ("you're a piece of shit!!!" and stuff like that). I wrote until I just felt "deflated", like I had drained myself. It helped a LOT. I then realized that I hadn't been doing several things for myself that I know have helped in the past, and I have rededicated myself to doing these things daily. Many of these actions I have recommended to you here.
  
  Hope this helps even in the slightest and good luck to you.

>She raised me as a single mom, never even dated another man, and dedicated her life to raising me. We had a great relationship. The first time she met this guy, she immediately did not like him.

As others have said, it's about the betrayal of, in her mind, your deep, otherworldly bond to think something is important enough to break away from her, be it college or a BF. It sounds like she's enmeshed with you. That's how it was between my mom and me.

This book is AMAZING:
The Emotional Incest Syndrome
http://www.amazon.com/The-Emotional-Incest-Syndrome-Parents/dp/055335275X
It really helped me to get my head on straight about my mom, and how fucked up it was, even though it was all done under the guise of sacrifice and love. If you can get it out of the library over winter break, it might be an interesting read for you.

So many other commenters have given great advice. Listen to yourself, and choose whatever feels like freedom, not like fear.

I'm so sorry to hear that you've been having flashbacks, that sounds like an incredibly intense experience. And I'm sorry to hear that reaching out and asking for support backfired. If that had happened to me at your age, I just would have never talked to the counselor again. Where I'm at now, I'd probably go back and clarify that my mother was abusive, if I thought that the counselor would "get it." (There's plenty of shitty therapists in the world, same as in any profession, and unfortunately, you're stuck with whoever the school hired.)

A year in an abusive household can be an eternity. I remember being 17. But I did get out. It hasn't always been easy, but it has always, always been worth it. And my life has been pretty amazing since then. I've gotten to go places and do things that I never thought I'd be able to. I've met and connected with people who also have their own unique backgrounds, and their own fire for life.

I don't know how much your mom monitors your phone, but if she doesn't check the phone numbers on the phone bill (Mine did - she had zero hobbies) or if you have access to a burner phone, you might consider calling a hotline for support in the future. Unlike your school counsellor, the hotline people won't talk to your mom.

If you haven't read Becoming The Narcissist's Nightmare I highly recommend it. It might be helpful for dealing with her while you still live at home. (Kindle or maybe don't bring it into the house, though.)

Is there some "safe" activity that your Nmom can't really say no to that would get you out from under her supervision more? Volunteering? Doing some boring task for her? (Even if you aren't supervised, ten bucks says that she'll be tempted to take you up on it on account of laziness.)

It will get better. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Keep the faith!

>but I know that my underlying feelings about myself have not changed and I keep falling into the same bad ruts as a result


I know how you feel. I've been there. Here's my thoughts on what you described and how I got better :

1. Change doctors, change therapists, change medication, change approaches, anything, just get out of there. Two years of treatement with only minor benefits is a definitive red flag. Whatever those specialists are doing, no matter how good or well-intentioned it is, it's obviously not appropriate for your condition. Feeling improvement should not take two years. Also, the shema therapy is a very intellectual approach that's not for everyone. Maybe try a more patient-centered approach so your feelings are allowed to get out unfiltered. The schematic approach failed me consistently. The humanist approach saved me.
   
   
   
2. Stop trying to figure out how your family became who they are and why they treated you the way they did. The longer you do that, the more you play into the narcissistic game : you spend time and energy on other people instead of yourself. At one point, you have to give up on others and focus on figuring out yourself. When you're feeling unhappy or troubled, it's not your job to understand other people. It's your job to focus on yourself. Use what little energy reserves you have to heal yourself.
   
   
   
3. From what you describe, you totally fit into being the child of narcissist parents. Not trusting people, not trusting gifts, the impression of being "too broken" for anyone to love are things that come up often. These are normal feelings to have after being subject to so much abuse and having your feelings so neglected. Here's a book I recommend : http://www.amazon.ca/The-Narcissistic-Family-Diagnosis-Treatment/dp/0787908703
   
   
   
4. "I can't teach my brain to treat myself with love and respect because in my heart, I don't believe that I am deserving of love or respect." YES YOU CAN teach your brain that. It's difficult, but it's possible. The brain is a muscle. Just like every other muscle in your body, it was shaped through repetition. All your life you were probably told you were worthless, so your brain lifted that low self-esteem weight a million times. It's now a world champion in horrible weight-lifting. It's now all reflex actions. Others = bad. Others = pain. Me = unloveable. But it IS possible to calm that muscle down (medication) and teach it new gym routines (therapy). Such as others = good and gifts = love. It's a very long road, but it is possible.
   
   
   
5. "I am wary of letting anyone be "that person" in my life because other people are unpredictable and they will hurt me eventually" Of course, shutting yourself down prevents bad stuff to happen to you. But at the same time you prevent the good stuff from getting in. And you need that good stuff to heal.
   
   
   
6. Give yourself time. We ACoNs start with a huge life handicap. We started "late". We were held back against our will. We didn't have the same support growing up so it's normal that we struggle in adult life. Don't try to burn through lost time to "catch up". Go at your own pace. There is nothing in life that says you must have this career and have slept with that amount of people to finally be at the same level of success of other, non-abused people.

Yes--I can identify although I am sure there are differences. Sorry to hear you are struggling. I have tried to find meaning and connection in relating to others. I run daily. I also try to eat healthily. I wish you the very best. I find alanon meetings helpful and addiction was a part of my family life history. Some friends swear by individual and group therapy as well as EMDR and/or EFT. Individual therapy helps me as do alanon/ACA or ACOA (Adult children of dysfunctional or alcoholic families) meetings

I had experienced a recent traumatic event that was associated with many difficult emotional flashbacks. I wish you the very best and please know you are not alone.

I have read Judith Herman's book, Trauma and Recovery, plus she discusses stages of recovery.

I find Peter Walker helpful.

Also The Body Keeps the Score by van der Kolk has been insightful.

Meditation, yoga and breathing exercises are on my to do list--sonner rather than later.

Sorry it's not so clear but great that you're aware of things though. There certainly is a lot of information around these days to help.
A couple good books that I stumbled on:
https://www.amazon.com/Trapped-Mirror-Children-Narcissists-Struggle/dp/0688140718

https://www.amazon.com/Children-Self-Absorbed-Grown-Ups-Getting-Narcissistic/dp/1572245611

I found both of those at the local library too so might just do that. (There are others as well and probably mentioned on this reddit somewhere, but those are not a bad start)

It's a late response, so I'm not going to include my story, but I'm in pretty much the same boat.

I'm reading 'The Emotional Incest Syndrome: When a Parent's Love Rules Your Life' very slowly because it hits pretty close to home and I end up ruminating if I read too much at one time.

I also have this one on my bookshelf (well, under the mattress) that I haven't started yet, 'Silently Seduced: When Parents Make Their Children Partners' so I can't vouch for it yet.

Hopefully, one, or both, of these might help you out.

Look for reciprocity - any relationship, romantic or platonic, will have its gives and takes. There will be problems, but you should both be willing to work it out. I used to go from 0-100 in relationships and place unrealistic expectations on others. They're not mind readers, and a lot of them don't understand the aftermath of relationships with Ns.

It's normal to be paranoid, but there are people out there who legitimately want to help and be friends. They may just think that you need to hear that you are loved and supported. Some people use "love" flippantly, some don't. It's harder to wait and see where a relationship goes and much easier to cut and run, but running because you're afraid will kill some potentially good relationships.

Ns teach their children to fear others, to fear being known, because everything will be used against you. Healthy relationships are not like that, but you do need to figure out how to identify other people's boundaries and create your own. For me, if friends said "hey, you don't need to pay rent", I'd probably make the offer to pay or chip in every couple of months or so just to be sure, or say something like "if that changes, please let me know". Ns will never "treat others how you'd like to be treated", but others will, and that might be what your friends are doing. At the same time, be aware of manipulation through fear/guilt/obligation by friends. Some know they're doing it, some don't.

These helped me:

Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life

Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life

Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You

Self help books are really useful. Toxic Parents was a good one for me early on, as was Mothers Who Can't Love. But really the combination of NC, this sub, and my amazing therapist have been the primary ways that I have healed from her abuse. Honestly though? Anything you can do to keep moving forward and healing is good, no matter what it looks like.

Also, I'm glad that you have a person in your life who supports you -- that is so important!

Hello there! Stay with that hope, because the journey is long.

I suggest cognitive therapy. But aside from that I think you would benefit from learning about attachment psychology. I feel like many ACoNs had what is referred to as an "anxious" attachment in childhood; "preoccupied " as an adult. The feeling of being unlovable is a hallmark of this, and stood out to me! I do think change is possible, but it's challenging. On the off-chance you or another may want it, here are a couple of related resources:


The test of your adult attachment style is here if you want it. If you find yourself interested in the subject as well and the mechanisms behind it I would heavily recommend reading Becoming Attached

I use many of the tools outlined in this book on a daily basis. Among them are meditation, relaxation techniques, self-talk coaching and breathing exercises. They help immensely and I love this book. I am also in talk therapy and somehow I found a pretty good therapist which I know is not always common. A few years back I was on some meds to help level out the anxiety as I began therapy. I have since been taken off of them because of the continued work I am doing in therapy and out in my life. For me, recovery from this anxiety and from these 90 lb fleas is an ongoing process. I don't think I will ever be "done".

This isn't a perfect solution but there are temporary ways to lock your door. Products like this door security bar can help you lock yourself into your room without leaving a permanent locking mechanism.
Master Lock 265DCCSEN Dual-Function Security Bar https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0002YUX8I/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_uioFybQT1JHDF
You would have to hide the bar when it's not in use, but perhaps if you do what someone else suggested and get a closet that locks, you could keep the bar in there?
I hope this helps! Good luck.

Yes! And I definitely think seeking help (however that looks for you - books, support group like RBN, therapy) can make the difference between continuing the cycle and breaking it.)

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents

Healing the Adult Children of Narcissists

\^I've read the first and am reading the second now. I'd recommend both!

I don't know if this will ring true with you at all, but if it does it might help a bit:

N mothers see their daughters as extensions of themselves, as other people have said; but what makes them suddenly distance themselves is sometimes not a reduced ability to control you (some kids don't grow out of that control at all), but the sudden realisation that you are growing up. If you are growing up, that means you'll become a woman - a younger, prettier, "threatening" woman. It commonly seems to happen around the puberty mark, when they have to start thinking of you as having the potential to be sexually active and menstrual. Then you're no longer an accessory but another rival. If your N made a lot of criticisms about your physical appearance or how you relate to boys (I'd say "or girls", but let's be honest, how many Ns believe in gay), that could be a factor.

​

Source, cos I can't pretend I made this connection myself: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Mothers-Who-Cant-Love-Daughters/dp/0062204343

If you can put some literature describing narcissists in her hands, that might be a good step towards gaining some self-reflection for her. If she can identify her exes in what's described, there's little question she is susceptible, and then maybe she can start to work on the traits that make her that way. I'd recommend "Why is is always about you?" as a good primer written in layperson's language on the subject. (I'm not an expert on the subject myself, so I found it very helpful). It's a quick and easy read, filled with examples, not just clinical talk. http://www.amazon.ca/Why-Always-About-You-Narcissism/dp/0743214285

I just finished Gavin de Becker's "The Gift of Fear" this weekend and your post reminds me of a his chapter on people who seemingly don't let up. He references a situation in which a business owner was being harassed by a prospective biz partner, but I could totally see my Ndad's behaviors in it, as well as the usefulness of the advice he gives. De Becker basically says that the best way to deal with people and situations like this is simply not to engage at all. The person will fume and rant and persist, but if you deny them what they want -- a reaction and attention -- they eventually stop. It's an excellent read not only for how to deal with narcs, but also how to recognize and validate your own instinctual gut feelings.

Please read "The Happiness Trap" - the emotional struggle you are enduring is something I have experienced and this book will help you quickly, it is very inexpensive. You can read the first 32 pages here to see if you are interested link


The other one you may really want is Becoming Attached by Price. My LPC is working with me on attachment issues and I just want to put this link in here as well book

They painted the whole world purple for you from day one in regards to responsibility. When that's all you've ever known or seen, you're not going to suddenly decide to start to fill the interior of your house with green stuff! :)

I'm glad it was helpful - I read a book the other day called The Narcissistic Family that really helped, it has examples of exercises they recommend to therapists to help reframe thinking. It's $30 which is a bit much but I'm buying a copy for everyone in my family and think it's well worth the cost if it's in your budget! http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0787908703/ref=redir_mdp_mobile

It sounds like your NMom expected this to happen or it's happened before which is worrying. Please remember that none of this is your fault! And while you did mention you want to protect your brothers, you might have to make a very difficult decision to include the police, especially if this escalates (there is also a chance he might try to molest your brothers).

For now, I would highly suggest talking to a school counselor (not sure how old you are) or calling child/adult sexual abuse services hotline. It's better to find out your options so that instead of simply being quiet because you are afraid, you can plan. Confide in a friend so that if you need a place to quickly escape too, you can already have that backup. Start planning your escape when you feel comfortable doing so and make sure to get all of your papers (social, ID's, medical etc.)

As for the very right now, improvise a lock using heavy furniture. If you can buy a security bar (https://www.amazon.com/Master-Lock-Security-Adjustable-265DCCSEN/dp/B0002YUX8I/ref=sr_1_6?ie=UTF8&qid=1521393211&sr=8-6&keywords=door+stopper) or buy a door knob with a lock and install it (I did mine just by learning from Youtube).

Parents are responsible for their childrens behavior. This could be a blind spot preventing you from holding your own parents accountable. If you can't emotionally understand this you wont logically understand this following argument.

If a parent needs to get their children to do something or not to do something out of fear of punishment then it's not a relationship. It's dictatorship and you'll never get respect or compliance from your children when you act like you know what's best for them - and this is the reason why abuse escalates.

It's the parents responsibility to teach their children right and wrong by talking and listening to them, helping them understand, and ultimately modelling that behaviour themselves.

Before you have children, it's important to work on yourself because everything you experienced as a child from abusive parents thats lingering in your unconscious will come to the surface when you have your own children.

It seems you area already projecting some of this by thinking experimentation like smoking in the room or lying about homework is bad. Wouldn't it be better to foster a relationship where your children can you tell they tried a cigarette or don't want to do their homework? That way you can actually be involved in their lives.

If you raise your children correctly I wouldn't worry about most bad activities because you'll give them the skills to know better. The science shows that addictions, victim of bullying and peer pressure are all caused by child abuse and an unstable home. If you want to know more about this look up Gabor Mate (I have more resources).

Actually as children get older they become easier to parent when you raise them peacefully and being involved because you have built up a relationship.

Here are books I'd recommend:
Why Love Matters: How Affection Shapes a Baby's Brain
http://www.amazon.com/Why-Love-Matters-Affection-Shapes/dp/1583918175

The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self http://www.amazon.com/Drama-Gifted-Child-Search-Revised/dp/0465016901

The Truth Will Set You Free: Overcoming Emotional Blindness and Finding Your True Adult Self http://www.amazon.com/Truth-Will-Set-You-Free/dp/0465045855[2]

For Your Own Good: Hidden Cruelty in Child-Rearing and the Roots of Violence http://www.amazon.com/Your-Own-Good-Child-Rearing-Violence/dp/0374522693[3]

Stefan Molyneux: Real-Time Relationships: The Logic of Love http://www.freedomainradio.com/free/books/FDR_3_PDF_Real_Time_Relationships.pdf

On Truth: The Tyranny of Illusion http://board.freedomainradio.com/blogs/freedomain/archive/2008/09/11/book-on-truth-the-tyranny-of-illusion.aspx

Between Parent and Child: The Bestselling Classic That Revolutionized Parent-Child Communication http://www.amazon.com/Between-Parent-Child-Revolutionized-Communication/dp/0609809881

Playful Parenting http://www.amazon.com/Playful-Parenting-Lawrence-J-Cohen/dp/0345442865

Unconditional Parenting http://www.amazon.com/Unconditional-Parenting-Moving-Rewards-Punishments/dp/0743487486

Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves http://www.naomialdort.com/book.html

Parent Effectiveness Training http://www.amazon.com/Parent-Effectiveness-Training-Responsible-Children/dp/0609806939

The Philosophical Baby: What Children's Minds Tell Us About Truth, Love, and the Meaning of Life http://www.amazon.com/Philosophical-Baby-Childrens-Minds-Meaning/dp/0374231966

What's Going on in There? : How the Brain and Mind Develop in the First Five Years of Life http://www.amazon.com/Whats-Going-There-Brain-Develop/dp/0553378252

Becoming the Kind Father: A Son's Journey http://www.amazon.com/Becoming-Kind-Father-Sons-Journey/dp/0865715823

Connection Parenting http://connectionparenting.com/connection-parenting-book.html

Yes! This! I've been using this (albeit slowly) but it's very easy to understand and helps a lot: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1572248912

I'm not invalidating any feelings.

People are entitled to feel what they want to feel — but there is only so far you can go to be inclusive and tolerate of others' feelings before you find yourself bent too far over backwards on your efforts.

Change will happen in life whether you want it or not. Trying to avoid change is unhealthy.

"Who Moved My Cheese" by Spencer Johnson might be a good read for those that have trouble with change.

"Feeling Good" by David Burns would also be a good read as well, that can help with many other things.

Oh yeah... competing against you in dog affection... why does that sound familiar?

Anyway, I'm glad you have a dog (and don't worry, he DOESN NOT love your mom more) and I'm glad you're doing jiu-jitsu. I didn't realize you're still living with your parents. That's really tough. Are you old enough to move out? If not, I hope you can survive until the day you do. It will be so much easier once you don't have to have daily contact (or any contact) with her.

Also, I remembered one more thing that really helped me. It's this book. Some people don't like it, some don't get it, but if you do get it it's really really helpful.

Addalock might work for you. Has decent reviews, although the common caveat seems to be "it only fits traditional doors, and only when the door and lock fit the frame perfectly" or similar.

I really liked The Everything Guide to NPD just to give me an idea of what the whole thing was, plus books about emotional incest. That topic focuses a lot on boundary issues, which was a big problem in my family. The ones I've found useful are The Emotional Incest Syndrome and Silently Seduced. These three books were all recommended by my therapist, but if you have one, he or she could probably recommend others!

Psychiatrists are mostly medication prescribers now. And college counselors (with bachelor's -- not master's) degrees are usually very limited skills- and concepts-wise. I will suggest looking into the following books for the concepts, as well as some of the coping skills (and then see further below for more).

Nina Brown's Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents

Eleanor Payson's The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family

Lindsay Gibson's Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents

Elan Golomb's Trapped in the Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in the Struggle for Self

Susan Forward's Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life (a bit long in tooth now, but still useful) and Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You

Kimberlee Roth & Frieda Friedman's Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds & Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem

(I've read -- actually deeply studied, using each as a workbook -- all of them, and feel comfortable recommending them.)

For the continuing upshots of having been raised by such parents, I currently use Ogden's SP4T as the 9th of the 10 StEPs of Emotion Processing, but had good results over the years with EMDR, DBT, MBCT, ACT and MBSR. The 10 StEPs, DBT, MBCT and ACT are combinations of CBT with experiential, more-or-less "insight meditation" techniques. SP4T, MBSR and EMDR are more directly experiential and less cognitive (or "about thinking").

people can use the bible to misrepresent so much stuff. (warning: unsoliceted advice) give your parents this book: https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Updated-Expanded-When-Control/dp/0310351804/ref=asc_df_0310351804/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=312425492373&hvpos=1o2&hvnetw=g&hvrand=8455263262124568265&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9028149&hvtargid=aud-643191255296:pla-425385864932&psc=1 your parents are not the boss of you, you are the boss of yourself and this shows how the bible helps put boundaries in place to keep you safe. i am so sorry you are going through this. TOTALLY WRONG.

There's a great book on this called "how to disappear". It's on amazon. http://www.amazon.com/How-Disappear-Digital-Footprint-Without/dp/1599219778

He forced me to talk to him, so I did. I read some quotes to him from Trapped in the Mirror but it didn't phase him at the time. It was among every other verbal punch I could think of; I wanted to make him feel how I felt. He just emotionally checked out.

My brothers intervened and then we all sat down to talk with him. They mostly quizzed him about his spousal support demands, but I continued to poke the bull. I quickly noticed how child-like my father was acting. Shutting down and talking in circles when cornered or caught in a lie. He kept coming back to "there is something you don't know but I can't tell you". He was sitting on a stool and I found it really interesting that he was swinging his feet like a kid. It doesn't seem like an appropriate response, so I figure our inquisition was triggering memories of his (probably narcissistic) mother.


Eventually we pushed enough buttons to bring out his favorite emotion: anger. He stood up, clenched his fists, and tightened his neck. He told me I needed to "man up", so I stood up too and started laughing in his face. He stomped off as I made quips about him going home to drink away his emotions like usual.

It's been a couple of years and he's only tried to call once. Although, he did tell my mom at one of their divorce meetings that he was worried my "therapist was planting thoughts in my head". My mom and I laughed about it, but it's also really saddening that he found yet another excuse to avoid reality.

I am so sorry that you are having to go through this ordeal! :(

You may find this book helpful: The Gift of Fear.

Hi Stalker NMom,

I guess you're not very smart, so this is probably a waste of my time. But I'm going to tell you a few things for your own good anyway.

I'm a 40 year old woman who has not been in contact of any kind with my biological parents for about 2.5 years. It was very low contact for about 4 years before the complete cutoff.

I suppose you think you're entitled to be a stalker asshole. My mother sure did. You probably don't even think that what you're doing qualifies as stalking, but this book explains in a really common-sense way why you actually are a stalker: http://www.amazon.com/Other-Survival-Signals-Protect-Violence/dp/0440508835

I think if you asked my mother about my relationship with her, she'd start whining and go on about some memory about me being 6 years old. Really, I think the only reason she had me was for the "baby" part of having a kid. Right about the time I hit puberty she started treating me like complete shit and regularly talking about how the only thing she was looking forward to now was having grandbabies. That's all I was good for.

But you know what? Now that I'm 40 I really can't remember shit about my pre-puberty years. Just little bits of memory here and there. But I remember my teenage years with crystal clarity, as if it happened yesterday. You have a teenage daughter, and the way that you treat her today is your legacy. That is what she will remember when she's my age.

Do you want to be a part of a potential grandchild's life?
Do you want help when you're old and sick?

No one OWES any of that to you. If you keep acting the way you are acting now, it's YOUR future that you're throwing in the toilet. That 18 year old couple are already here (in an online support group for children of abusive parents). That's way better than I had at their age. It took me years to get to the point that I knew it wasn't my fault. They'll leave and you'll never see them again. Maybe that's what you want, maybe not. But you should think about it before throwing tantrums and getting your daughter in trouble in school. You should really think about it.

Something like this might be helpful to you, unless you think it'll cause her to escalate. Ripping the door open like that is sexually abusive, though. You have a right to your privacy.

Written by an ACON:
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B00HJBMDXK

Fluffy but useful:
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B00TZE87S4
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0425273539

Implementation details:
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0753806703

Together, the above have helped me establish that a lot of my behaviour and painful experiences until the recent past were essentially the fight-or-flight system being triggered by stimuli related to fear conditioning. The painful memories are indelible, but the cortex can train the amygdala to "hold-your-fire" enough of the time that life can be enjoyable and rewarding, even though there will still be times when the cortex is too tired/weak to keep things under total control - but even then, it's possible to "just sit with the pain" and accept it, rather than try to avoid it and cause more problems. Good luck!

I found this book helpful.

Also, look up "grey rock" and "structured contact", in case you are not ready to go full no contact (NC).

Also check out this book: How to disappear by Frank Ahearn.

[here is a book recommendation.] (http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0465087302)

https://www.amazon.com.au/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents-ebook/dp/B00TZE87S4

Try this book as an introduction: Reinventing Your Life

[maybe you could buy a door jam?] (https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0002YUX8I/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_NZ12CbGGKTCQC)

Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life by Susan Forward, she also wrote Toxic In-Laws!


This is still my favorite go-to for any abused person. This book very gently informed me that I was the target child (scapegoat) and it was not my fault. She also walks you thru

• establishing boundaries
  
• letter writing examples
  
• forgive or not forgive
  
• how to talk to your Golden Child/favored siblings about things they didn't see/know
  
  
  Specifically for those of us raised by narcissists:
  
  Why is it All About You?: The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism by Sandy Hotchkiss
  
  The best thing in this book is how she lays out projection and the transference of the narcissist's shame onto the child and how that messes us up. I have dozens of post-it flags in this book.

> Do they have the right to know where their adult child lives;

If you are a legal adult, they do NOT have that right.

> is it cruel not to tell them (they are still parents & people, and would probably worry);

It is NOT cruel to deny a narcissist and her enabler information that can be used to abuse you.

And keep in mind: their 'worry' wouldn't be for you and your well-being. It would their 'worry' that they no longer have their usual punching bag around, and they would use 'worry' as an excuse for extending their control of you into your adult life.


> and would they realistically/legally have any way of finding it out?

If you don't take certain steps, they could find out, yes.

When you get your own place, you'll want to:

1. Get a UPS store address (you didn't say if you're in the US, i'm assuming you are). Give that address freely to anyone who asks for your address (i.e. don't look like you're trying to hide your address). If you're completely consistent about this, its extremely rare that anyone notices its not your real address. (Note it may be illegal in your state for your drivers license to not have your real address on it; YMMV so ask at the DMV)
   
2. Remove your home address from direct mailing lists. Call (888) 5-OPTOUT (567-8688) and request your name and address be permanently removed from their lists. This action unpublishes all instances of your home address in direct mailing lists maintained by the consumer credit reporting industry.
   
3. This Reddit post from five years ago listed the largest data brokers and how to remove your information. The poster is a lawyer with Abine — their DeleteMe service will remove your information for a fee. SafeShepherd will also remove your information. Their premium membership is cheaper than Abine, and the basic membership is free.
   
   (the reason to remove yourself from mailing lists, by the way, is because the companies that send out those mailers sell customer data to each other all the time, and it helps to ensure that your address doesn't accidentally end up online at WhitePages.com or some such)
   
   
4. If your parents don't know where you work, let your job know not to confirm that you work there to anyone, or give out your contact information to anyone, without checking with you first.
   
5. If you live in an apartment, let the management know not to confirm to anyone that you live there.
   
   If your parents escalate, check out How to Disappear: Erase Your Digital Footprint, Leave False Trails, and Vanish without a Trace. The book is strongly recommended for victims of stalking and harassment. The author was the world's top expert in skip tracing prior to writing this book.

Holy crap, neither did mine!

I've been reading through a book recently: For Your Own Good and it's been like reading my parents parenting playbook. Guess narcissism was more systematized.

I've let him know. It's hard to understand something so disordered when he comes from something healthier, which I totally get. He's trying. Someone messaged me a book that they said helped:

http://www.amazon.com/The-Narcissistic-Family-Diagnosis-Treatment/dp/0787908703

At least this whole experience is helping me begin the conversation. I'm not ashamed. You know what? My mom told me throughout my entire life that family matters were SECRET and that I needed to keep them private. That was to keep me under her control and to keep the household sick. I find that talking about it is liberating and healing. FH needs to know about this abuse, but it's going to happen on his time, not mine.

I’m reading Becoming Attached on the recommendation of my therapist. When your primary caregiver(s) couldn’t/wouldn’t/didn’t help teach you how to self-regulate your emotions is re-wires you brain and your fight/flight/freeze/friend response gets messed up.

I’m hyper vigilant as a result. I’m doing neurofeedback to re-train my brain. During my first session my therapist could literally see the evidence of my trauma in my brainwaves and my hand temperature. When my brain adjusted during that first session to the rest and digest phase I felt panicked, not relaxed. I perceive relaxation as a threat. I love my neurofeedback sessions and look forward to them every week. They are really helping me. (I also found hot bikram-style yoga really helped me with my rage issues by learning to be comfortable being uncomfortable.)

I also wanted to pass along another resource (that someone on reddit pointed me to) that has been very helpful in unraveling my symptoms. 50+ Characteristics of Complex Trauma. It’s a long video series, but there are also slides to accompany the talks. I also really like the Shame Lies talk from that site as well.

I saw someone mention a door jam bar, but those are large, these are travel size door jammer and locks, you can hide it in your purse when you leave for school so that he can't take it while you are out.

http://www.amazon.com/Door-Jammer-Portable-Security-Device/dp/B00BZB97AM

http://www.amazon.com/Rishon-Enterprises-Addalock-1-Piece/dp/B00186URTY/ref=pd_sim_op_2?ie=UTF8&refRID=1QVDB8T434V2ZRGGHYAS

I feel this way too. At the same time I also kind suspect I'm just rationalizing my fear, whatever it's a fear of.

It's obviously true that everyone has the right to choose to live alone. But since most people don't exercise that right or they don't want to, I'm afraid I'm choosing to ignore some painful truth.

Every therapist I've talked to has said that having a healthy relationship is satisfying, but I kind of doubt that.

It's probably necessary to work one's shit out in order for that to be the case. If you still have too many fleas, it won't be able to work out ever.

But on the bright side that changes the question: not whether or not do I live alone,
but
whether and how I can get better?

And then after I get better I can worry about all of that relationship crap but I have more important things to do in the present.

Also I like this book:
http://www.amazon.com/Reinventing-Your-Life-Breakthrough-Negative/dp/0452272041

Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
https://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553381407/ref=nodl_

Complex PTSD by Pete Walker
https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1542909721&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=complex+ptsd+from+surviving+to+thriving&dpPl=1&dpID=51fK34oGboL&ref=plSrch

Trapped in the Mirror by Elan Golomb
https://www.amazon.com/Trapped-Mirror-Children-Narcissists-Struggle/dp/0688140718/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1542909765&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=trapped+in+the+mirror&dpPl=1&dpID=41A0QuC3bWL&ref=plSrch

Isn't there a really good book about boundaries out there? Damn, what's it called? Oh here it is.

Why is it Always About You?

This a great and interesting read, written in plain english for laymen.

>In this groundbreaking book -- the first popular book on narcissism in more than a decade -- clinical social worker and psychotherapist Sandy Hotchkiss shows you how to cope with controlling, egotistical people who are incapable of the fundamental give-and-take that sustains healthy relationships. Exploring how individuals come to have this shortcoming, why you get drawn into their perilous orbit, and what you can do to break free, Hotchkiss describes the "Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism" and their origins. You will learn to recognize these hallmarks of unhealthy narcissism -- Shamelessness, Magical Thinking, Arrogance, Envy, Entitlement, Exploitation, Bad Boundaries -- and to understand the roles that parenting and culture play in their creation.
Whether the narcissist in question is a coworker, spouse, parent, or child, Why Is It Always About You? provides abundant practical advice for anyone struggling to break narcissism's insidious spread to the next generation, and for anyone who encounters narcissists in everyday life.

The mental health community is still doing a lot of work understanding the effects of trauma. The DSM V lists two subsets of PTSD: one for the very young, and one called the [dissociative type] (http://www.ptsd.va.gov/professional/PTSD-overview/Dissociative_Subtype_of_PTSD.asp) that is more common in adult survivors of child abuse. The distinctions are only important to ensure you get the right treatment program.

If you want to read more about the current medical understanding of trauma, [Judith Herman] (https://www.amazon.com/Trauma-Recovery-Aftermath-Violence-Political/dp/0465087302) and [Bessel van der Kolk] (https://www.amazon.com/Body-Keeps-Score-Healing-Trauma-ebook/dp/B00G3L1C2K/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1466798803&sr=1-1&keywords=the+body+keeps+the+score+bessel+van+der+kolk) are the leading scholars.

I'm sorry, I don't want to impose, but how can you even interact with this person in any capacity anymore? I'm wondering if she's still being abusive (just not physically anymore) and that you're not recognizing it?

This story goes beyond the typical (but still horrible) N-abuse that gets posted here. I know we're not here to decide who had it worse, but I think in your case, it's important that you know this is far worse treatment than most if not all that I've read on this sub in the last 6 months. She could easily have killed you. I'm not exaggerating.

Please consider reading For Your Own Good by Alice Miller. It may give you some more perspective.

Book free Preview

Book purchase link

This is classic abuser behavior. Intimidate the victim, isolate them, even discredit them by lying about their behavior and mental state (i.e., child "is so dramatic", "exaggerates", "lies", "is abusive to parent", "is mentally ill", "is on drugs").

I see you are trying to wrap your head around how your NDad can be the way he is-- I recommend you read Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft.
https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656 It's addressed to partners of abusive men, but applies to abusive parents as well.

"His valuable resource covers early warning signs, ten abusive personality types, the abusive mentality, problems with getting help from the legal system, and the long, complex process of change. After dispelling 17 myths about abusive personalities, he sheds light on the origin of the abuser's values and beliefs, which he finds to be a better explanation of abusive behavior than reference to psychological problems." Library Journal from an Amazon review

"One of the prevalent features of life with an angry or controlling partner is that he frequently tells you what you should think and tries to get you to doubt or devalue your own perceptions and beliefs," another review quoting from the book

If it is not safe for you to order the book, you can still browse through the 1300+ customer reviews, search the author and title for internet content on the topic, and maybe look for it at a library.