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I don't think you refuse to let go. Sounds like you're just in the process of figuring out your feelings and how to deal with the traumatic situation in a way that feels worthwhile to you, and you're frustrated. It was definitely rape btw. He was attracted to you, saw that you were trusting and in a tough situation, and took advantage of you. Repeatedly. He is...scum of the earth. You are...blameless, STRONG, and likely a good person. A lot of abusers were once abused themselves, and perpetuate the cycle. It sounds like you're stronger than this abuse in that way. He definitely wasn't! Again, he is scum of the earth and you were so young, so impressionable, and blameless of what he did.

However, the weed/anorexia/bad people seems to indicate that you take out your negative feelings ON YOURSELF (unlike him and his friend, who took it out on an innocent person!). I really hope you see the good and the beauty and inherent worth you have, and act on it for self care.

If you could get him on rape charges, I think that could be helpful. Seeing him get rightful punishment would likely make you feel better. You'd be verbally defending your own worth, and punishing him for trying to deprive you of what you were born with (the right to self worth and dignity). I understand you might not feel that you're in the right place to pursue such aims, which is a feeling I empathize with; I type this only out of care and concern.

Stop directing your feelings inward, at least. You probably already know this, but the cutting/anorexia/bad people are ways to indirectly express your inner pain. Some people lash out when they're angry; you partially take it out on yourself, likely because this is the method you've become accustomed to. Find ways to express your emotions positively, without resorting to these methods that clearly are not working with you. Like: making art, looking at art, making music/poetry/etc., listening to music/poetry, journaling, reading about emotions. It's fun.

Think about how you want to be treated. Write a list even. Don't allow people into your live who cross those boundaries. Volunteer at a nursing home or volunteer anywhere, to escape loneliness and help others. Practice setting boundaries and demanding the love you need and deserve. Practicepracticepractice

One other piece of advice: eating disorders are strongly tied to not knowing or understanding personal feelings. Maybe because you have to deal with such strong, poignant, hurtful feelings, you've numbed yourself from experiencing them, to stop the pain. Completely understandable. Please, explore your emotions more, and in healthful, constructive ways. Begin journaling, join a support group, read about emotions (http://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Intelligence-Matter-More-Than/dp/055338371X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1406344677&sr=1-1&keywords=emotional+intelligence+by+daniel+goleman, emotions of loneliness:http://www.amazon.com/Loneliness-Human-Nature-Social-Connection/dp/0393335283). Take care of your physical well-being, because that will also affect how you feel. Take up some mindfulness meditation, to understand your feelings and not let them overwhelm you.

Even the abuse is a sign that you are worth it. Abuse is like thievery. Abusers are trying to take something worthwhile, and giving less than nothing for what they are taking. If you weren't worth something, your abuser --the cretin!-- would have been a cretin elsewhere.

Take what your worth, and get something for it. Get love, get girls and guys who you'll be proud to hang out with, find a life where you never have to rely on just One person again. Get what you are worth.

Sending lots of internet love <3

Keep strong, girl. I have a good feeling that you will be able to overcome this.

This is riveting. My dearest sympathies to your girlfriend. Thank you for being there for her. I hope she gets all the help and support she needs. A dear teacher my brother had published a book of poetry documenting her experience with it as well. I hope one day, she'll write or do something creative and cathartic to cope as well. Much love to you both.

Honey, you are NOT in the wrong here. You don't have a "victim complex." She took advantage of you. People like her know exactly what to do and say to groom whomever they're abusing into thinking they're helpless and have no other options.

None of this was your fault. None of it. Repeat that to yourself if you have to.

I'm so so so so so sorry that this happened to you, and I hope that you can start working through this somehow. Seek a therapist if you can.

https://www.amazon.com/Cant-Get-Over-Handbook-Survivors/dp/157224058X

Barring that, check out this book. You can get it super cheap, used. There might even be a PDF online somewhere. The exercises and sentiments in this book have been really, really helpful for me and some of my close friends who have PTSD.

You were not in the wrong. You're a young trans woman trying to navigate the world, which is really, really difficult. You just wanted to have a significant other, which is very common. You're going to get through this. You're going to get stronger because of this. You'll have very, very rough days, but some days will be better. One day you're going to meet someone who will love you no matter what, and who won't be abusive and manipulative.

You didn't deserve any of this. You didn't ask for it, you didn't bring it upon yourself. You weren't in the wrong. She's a manipulative shitstain and I'm sorry you happened to get caught in her web.

You will be okay. Please, be safe, and be kind with yourself.

There is a Secondary Survivors subreddit: http://www.reddit.com/r/secondary_survivors. It's not as active as here, but it is a community to help friends/family of those raped/sexually abused. There aren't many books on the subject, but one I like that was written by someone who understands the inner world of survivors is: Secondary Survivors by Namid,
http://www.amazon.com/Secondary-Survivors-Namid-ebook/dp/B001GMAT9S/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1407739442&sr=8-1&keywords=secondary+survivor.

There are some good posts and support communities on RAINN and pandys.org for Secondaries. I encourage you to check those out as well.

All my best!

This is deeply upsetting and I wish could help in some way. I had a friend who also had something like this and I researched some ways to make a door lock that doesn’t lock and found some products on amazon usually listed as “travel door lock” for hotel room doors and stuff. Is it a swing door or a sliding door? Can you buy off of amazon? I haven’t used these and can’t vouch for them.

Examples:

Portable Door Lock Replaces for Addalock Compatible for Travel Lock, AirBNB Lock. https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07LCDPP7T/

Door Security Devices Portable Door Stopper Jammer Door Lock Brave https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07QQS7CQ4/

No-Rinse Bathing Wipes by Cleanlife Products, Premoistened and Aloe Vera Enriched for Maximum Cleansing and Deodorizing - Microwaveable, Hypoallergenic and Latex-Free (8 Wipes) https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00008QQN2/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_n3vLDbKXF2KDK

OGX Extra Strength Refresh & Restore + Coconut Miracle Oil Dry Shampoo, 5 Ounce https://www.amazon.com/dp/B076RXVCWV/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_03vLDbXPSZND0

I’ve been there and I’m sorry you’re going through it. I had anxiety induced seizures and I was terrified one would happen while I was in the shower. My sister would sit in the bathroom until I was done to make sure I was okay. ^ Those can be really helpful for in between showers.

You may want to post this in secondary_survivors as well for additional feedback.

I recommend the book "The Sexual Healing Journey" by Wendy Maltz (https://www.amazon.ca/dp/B0083DHILK/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1)

I hope that the two of you can work through this together.

The Gift of Fear is pretty good. Plus, although not a book, loveisrespect.org have an "is my relationship healthy?" quiz which is a handy checklist to see if you've found yourself in an unhealthy relationship.

I really recommend getting this book ASAP. It's called If She is Raped and is specifically for male friends/boyfriends/husbands/fathers/etc of female survivors of sexual trauma. Just be there for her. Ask her what she needs — every survivor's experience is unique. Don't blame her in any way.

You're doing good.

Definitely check out Matt Atkinson https://www.amazon.com/Resurrection-After-Rape-transforming-survivor/dp/0615209661/ref=sr_1_1?hvadid=78134114095683&hvbmt=bp&hvdev=c&hvqmt=p&keywords=matt+atkinson&qid=1557685310&s=gateway&sr=8-1 This book helped me a lot.

Belleruth Naparstek - Invisible Heroes

Bessel Van Der Kolk - The Body Keeps The Score

And if you're looking for something more scholarly, this, I believe, is still the state of the art, although it's now getting just a little dated.