Your girlfriend went through something incredibly traumatic, and her reaction is normal. You don't have to have answers for her, but just be there to help her feel loved, supported and safe, as it seems you are already doing.

First, respect her choice to not report. Instead, focus on maintaining and improving daily life for you both. The better you can keep your lives on track (while not dismissing what she's going through), the easier it should be for her to face what happened, process it and feel like herself again.

Try to get more exercise than usual, especially outdoors... it will help get stress out and might help her sleep. In the same vein, think about activities that you like to do together... a museum, the movies, live music, meet up with friends/family, a mini road trip, going to a lake, whatever - and make plans to do at least one of those things per week.

Plan and cook healthy meals together, chill and watch tv together, maybe go for coffee and chat together. Let her know that you love her and are open to listening to whatever is on her mind, and acknowledge to her that while this is all new to you, you truly are trying your best to be there for her. Ask her to tell you if there's anything she wants or needs.

You might have some success in getting her a bit of help by suggesting she talk to her doctor about medication to help with sleep. For all of the questions she has, you could try suggesting a book like The Rape Recovery Handbook. There's also RAINN.org, and for you there's this Men's Guide that might be helpful.

Remember that it's not easy supporting someone going through trauma, and even if she isn't at a point where she can get professional help for herself, that doesn't mean you can't get it for yourself. You having some support from a therapist during this time could really be helpful for both of you. Thank you for being there for her. Take care.

Someone has already pointed out r/secondary_survivors for you, which might be of help. Just be sure to remember that your wife obviously needs to be comfortable and make her own progress, on her own terms. It's not something that can be forced. Your heart seems to be in the right place.

I think there are many things to talk about with posts like this, but trying to keep on your topic of moving forward in intimacy. It might be helpful for both of you to read or listen to the book Come As You Are , which I believe can be of value to both partners. It covers intimacy in a loving relationship, but goes well beyond in my opinion. Chapter 6 specifically covers the topic of rape and sexual assault effects and moving forward in the context of relationship intimacy and healing. It's not a replacement for counseling by any means, but I do believe it's helpful enough in this context for both yourself and your partner. Specific additional self help resources are also pointed out in the book if she's interested in more help but still doesn't want to peruse a therapist.

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Best of luck to you both.

Absolutely have gone through this almost word for word. I am still in my "never wants sex with my partner" phase. Once in a blue moon, we'll have sex like twice in a day and then months will pass again before we do. In fact, pretty sure there was a year where we didn't have sex at all. It just is. Please be patient with yourself because I know it's hard. How can I not want sex with the love of my life? It's because my mind still doesn't "understand" that sex isn't violence.

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I recommend the book The Sexual Healing Journey. I recommend to read through it VERY SLOWLY as it includes real life case studies that include descriptions of sexual abuse/rape. However, my copy is full of sticky notes when I read something that resonates with me and makes me feel like I'm not crazy. Like --- why is it I can imagine having sex with a random person EASILY but a person I love and am emotionally close is not at all interesting? Rape. That's why.

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If you have the financial resources, I also recommend therapy. I suffer from PTSD so it is mandatory for me -- but it has been life saving.

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Further, there is a huge detachment that occurs between your mind/body when you experience extreme trauma. I often feel as if I've detached from my body and it's prevalent when my body is freaking out (throwing up, sweating, pacing), but my mind is completely calm. To repair that detachment, you have to find a safe way to get back into your body. Yoga is one such way. Check out Overcoming Trauma through Yoga. Dance, exercise, tai chi, whatever it is that allows you to be mindful of your body and your breath is key here. I'm still trying to have the motivation to do this as it's really been the hardest part for me, but I know the small amount I have done makes a difference.

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Lastly, trust yourself. There isn't a fixed formula for any of this, but it can be done. You're stronger than you know. Feel free to PM me if you wish!

We need to recognize how much of a burden trying to overcome things can be. We need to recognize that some people need more time than others before they can go head on into a fix. So patience is key. Many people going through what she is, will experience a conflict between wanting to feel their emotions and not wanting to.

Sometimes people use the doubts and guilt to blame themselves, as sometimes this gives them the “illusion” of control.


There is really no training for when rape happens and many people freeze up. Especially when its someone close to them or someone they love. That love can help betray their real emotions, and nullify the ability to “fight back”, since you don't naturally hit those ones you love.


Being able to deal with it on your own sounds good, but many times you need a third party to catch when the wrong mentalities are subbing in for a healthier one.


“She says she doesn't feel like she knows who she is anymore.”
Dissociation or “splitting off” is a way to control the pain of the abuse. In addition...
Time and memories can also be “lost”. But this is just another reason to attempt recovery.


Why should she aim for recovery? Higher Self-esteem. Improved relationships. Improved sexuality. Greater sense of control. Increased ability to understand , express, and release your emotions. Heightened Self-awareness. Staying grounded in the present. Developing healthier defenses. Peace of mind...


One of my favorite books on this subject is The Right To Innocence by Beverly Engel.

http://www.amazon.com/Right-Innocence-Childhood-Therapeutic-Self-Help/dp/0804105855/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1302560826&sr=8-1

They say its for children who were abused. But this book is one of the best ones with dealing with self-gilt and the feeling of helplessness. Only a penny + shipping.

Best of luck....

Try reading the book "The Sexual Healing Journey" by Wendy Maltz (https://www.amazon.ca/dp/B0083DHILK/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1) The author suggests not engaging in sex until you are ready, otherwise it becomes a chore and/or an obligation.

You can be intimate with your boyfriend and not engage in sexual activity. Sharing loving caresses, massages and slowly/gently working up to sexual activity could be beneficial. Communication will be important so you can tell your sexual partner when you are feeling triggered or uncomfortable. It will take time and patience.

Keep reaching out for support.
I wish you the best.

I'm not a rape survivor, but I do suffer from an anxiety disorder and I've found cognitive behavioral therapy to be helpful. Basically it involves training yourself not to dwell on anxious thoughts and to develop more positive thinking habits.

Speaking with a therapist is often helpful just because it can help you feel like you're not completely on your own, but often it's difficult financially. If that's the case for you, I've found Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by David Burns to be a good introduction.

I'm sorry you're going through a rough spot. You're not broken, you deserve happiness, and healing is possible.

Hi and thanks for posting!

Long distance

Maybe you could use a paid long-distance service to make long-distance calls from your computer to a hotline (such as the RAINN hotline) in another country. (I use Localphone.com; it's cheap, but the voice quality isn't always great. SkypeOut is popular too, but I think they charge a per-call connection fee.)

Free vs. paid therapy

A) In many places, you have to wait longer to get free therapy than for paid therapy. I wonder whether or not you might be on a waiting list for free therapy. If so, I wonder if you could go to a paid therapist — at least for one or two appointments — for now.

Self-help books

B) I wonder what are your thoughts about possibly working through a self-help book for anxiety, such as When Panic Attacks. (You could work through it by yourself, but it might be much more useful to work through it together with a friend who also suffers from worry and/or anxiety.)

Self-help groups

C) I'd also be curious to hear your thoughts on self-help groups, such as Emotions Anonymous (EA). In a comment elsewhere in this thread, you mentioned that you're in Germany.
Well, EA has meetings in dozens of countries, including Germany.

That's really difficult. My SO also fetuses counseling (couples or otherwise).

There are workbooks which might be a softer start for him. The societal expectation on men to keep their feelings limited to anger or nothing in most instances is really a big problem in cases like this. It may be helpful for him to contact a men's group about this.
this page has some info

workbook 1

workbook two

He may not be ready for this yet, but it could be worth buying the second one for yourself and if you think it'd help you may be able to go through the relevant sections with him. I believe this might help him realize he would benefit from more support and change his views about seeking it, but that's not guaranteed.

I really hope you can find a way through this, but at this point you need to prioritize you own care above his.

Survivor of childhood sexual abuse and now sexual assault advocate.

Children don't make this shit up. Unless someone teaches them about sexuality they don't have the context to make up lies about it. If your mother has taught her to refer to her vagina as "her bottom" and she is telling you that your step father deliberately tickles "her bottom", your step father is touching her vagina. Please call the authorities that exist in your location to deal with these issues ASAP. If you call a sexual assault hotline (at least in the USA) they are obligated to report the call and any personal information you give them to CPS.

If the post here are not enough encouragement for you to make that call please follow this link and read about the struggles your child will deal with as an adult if this gets swept under the rug.

https://www.rainn.org/articles/adult-survivors-childhood-sexual-abuse

A child who's parents protected them and stood up for them will have more confidence in their adult life. Please give your daughter the gift of emotional security in her relationship with you.

Also, here is a absolutely gut-wrenching first hand account of the experience of being groomed by a sexual predator (and I think one of the best explanations of how that happens.)
https://www.amazon.com/Groomed-Mother-Little-Waited-Justice/dp/0857208276


She will be SO much better off in adulthood if you do this now instead of waiting.

please don't be sorry for sharing. i am appreciative that you did, and i also think it is incredibly brave to share - for the reason you said early on - we worry so much how other people will receive our stories and our pain. one time in our group, we all admitted how scared we were to share - for that reason. you know, early on i also felt like i couldn't use the word rape. i felt like i was taking away something from women who "had it worse" - like because i had known my rapist or because my rapist did eventually stop, i felt like my rape wasn't as "serious". the truth is all rape is serious. meeting other survivors helped me to realize that claiming that word for myself was about my healing and didn't hurt anyone else, instead, it made us all stronger because reclaiming that word fights the shame society puts on us. the sort of mantra of our group is "connections not comparisons." all of our experiences are deeply personal, but there are many things we share. rape recovery is so complicated because the trauma is personal, but the stigma and the culture that permit it are societal. so we end up having to fight society during our recovery. society tells us we are being 'drama queens' but in truth we are strong as hell - and admitting we need help - seeking help - and opening up about our difficult stories and our pain - is not being a drama queen - it's being strong as hell. when we do this - we all, all survivors and all women, get stronger, i think...

i think she put you on the list anyway because she has seen people in our situation feel the safe way. we mitigate our pain. especially when we are ashamed... i really really admire you for seeking help while feeling that way. that takes so much strength. i hope you are able to see someone soon. it's really a pity that anyone would have to be on a waitlist.

it's also okay if you didn't freeze. not everyone's reactions are the same. and having different reactions doesn't make the event any less serious. i honestly was mad at myself for freezing - i thought "if it was really that bad, why did i stay there?" i wish i would have left after, but i was just frozen. i also didn't sleep. i just remember keeping my eyes open and one tear fell. i don't even know if i blinked the whole night. i "forgave" myself for that only recently... and it's been 3 years.

i wish i could convey online the amount of feeling and empathy i have for you right now. i know those awful feelings of guilt and wishing to rewrite the script or wishing to just push the entire event out of my life like it never happened. the good thing, though, is that you are talking about these really difficult emotions and that is the key to recovery and healing. it's going to hurt, some days so much more than other... but it's going to heal too. talking about it (instead of avoiding it) is the only way to heal.

one tool i can suggest while you wait is the rape recovery handbook. my therapist gave me that, and it helped a lot because it made me journal - and the journaling really helped me to talk to myself. i feel like rape splits you into two people sometimes... and you have to find a way to put yourself back together again. if you do start with a book, go easy on yourself, don't try to push through it all in one day. take your time and listen to yourself - if you are feeling too emotional, it's good to take a break.

this sub also recommends resurrection after rape, which haven't read myself, but it also seems very helpful and i think it is freely available online.

there's also this: http://www.breakingsilenceco.org/
that group has helped me to feel less alone - i found that because it came to my community like 6 mo after my rape. after going to their exhibit i sought help for the first time.

i wish i could give you a hug.

we don't have to recover alone. hearing our stories and feelings validated by other people is important, but the most important thing is to validate them for ourselves. other people helped me to get there.

i believe you and support you <3 solidarity, sister.

For nightmares, flashbacks, and a general sense of danger, I found the PTSD Workbook to be very helpful. Safety was a very big issue for me, and I felt this addressed it very well. Then again, that's for working through issues, not necessarily stories that are encouraging/etc.

Maybe check out some of these books which could help her work through the process that is provided in therapy in a self-guided way. What I would recommend is that she set aside an hour or two a week to devote to this to keep herself consistent, but not overwhelmed by over-reading:

the sexual healing journey

overcome trauma and ptsd

the PTSD workbook

the PTSD sourcebook

Then these are not workbooks - but might help provide her insight and healing:

quest for respect

resurrection after rape

I can't offer you any specific advice but wanted to recommend this book if you haven't already seen it.

Years ago I read this book "The Friend Who Got Away," it was many women's stories about close friendships that ended for a variety of in some cases bizarre and in other cases mundane reasons. It helped me as I was realizing that a dear friendship had come to an end and it couldn't be helped. It really helped me let go, even though it felt like a death at the time.

https://www.amazon.com/Friend-Who-Got-Away-Friendships/dp/0767917197

It is a very sad thing when a friendship between women breaks up in such a way, but it happens to all of us, and we do move on.

Here is the mobile version of your link

The Sexual Healing Journey by Wendy Maltz is a book designed to assist people dealing with a history of rape or sexual abuse deal with common problems during intimacy that may arise because of being sexually abused. It would be good for you both to read that as well as work out these issues with the help of a therapist. There are many other books out there as well that can help someone manage triggers and other issues. Here is the link.

https://www.amazon.com/Sexual-Healing-Journey-Guide-Survivors/dp/0062130730

i think i have mine back and i think maybe it's even stronger than ever, though things do fluctuate. it's about 4 years for me. therapy, group therapy, and this sub have been critical to my recovery. writing has been really important... and then sharing the writing... that was some scary and powerful shit for me. i didn't fully start sharing my writing until this year. i am about to self publish a poetry collection that centers on my rape. to me it will be sort of a final stage of healing (if there is such thing as a final stage).

if you aren't in therapy i recommend getting a copy of the rape recovery handbook and working (slowly with self compassion) through the exercises in there: https://www.amazon.com/Rape-Recovery-Handbook-Step-Step/dp/1572243376

and finding more survivors to talk to.

confront your deepest feelings of shame and fear.

take all your fears and put them into the light for you to really see, and see they aren't as scary anymore.

build up a support network whether if be online at first but then in your real life.

i wrote this about my rape: thoughtcatalog.com/velouria-black/2017/10/i-will-no-longer-let-you-invalidate-my-rape/

that was me breaking my own silence this year, probably with help from the gusto of the metoo campaign.

you will get your voice back and you will love yourself more deeply than ever before. it is hard work. it is painful. but you are going to get there. and if you need a friend along the way you have one in me sister <3